hi all, i’ve been a lurker in here for months but never had the courage to make a post myself. i’m going to try and shorten things as much as i can. i’ve been with my PA for around a year and a half and we have a 3 month old daughter. i always knew he was watching porn and it did bother me but i tried to shove it to the back of my mind and not think about it. any time i turned him down he would go in the bathroom and i knew what that meant. i would wake up in the middle of the night to see porn videos displayed on his computer monitor and him jerking off while i was asleep. one day i found out he had dozens of videos from reddit saved of thirst traps/soft porn whatever you want to call it and it was my last straw, he admitted to me he knew it was an addiction and he wanted to stop. i told him i was understanding if he had some slip ups with porn videos but i wanted no thirst traps no matter what they just really feel even worse somehow.

since then, he has made tremendous progress but it still hurts more and more. he has gone from watching it five times a day to one slip up every 2/3 weeks after 5 months. but some of those relapses have been thirst traps and some have been straight lies when i ask. i was still having sex with him because i knew it was “important” for his recovery but i can’t handle the relapses anymore. he doesn’t have social media except for youtube and reddit but downloaded twitter a month or two ago for news and i told him how nervous it made me multiple times because of all the OF advertising and he assured me it was okay, but guess where his recent relapse came from. he’s offered to delete reddit and twitter but i don’t want to have to control him and no matter what i do if he wants to watch porn he will find it, although i have installed adult content restrictions on his phone. i told him i cant be intimate with him anymore as i feel sexually broken. he keeps apologizing everyday and saying he’s worried i haven’t forgiven him (it’s been a week since it happened) and that if i cant have sex with him we need a break (him staying at his moms) so that i can heal and that if we can’t have sex it would be less triggering to watch porn if he wasnt around me i guess so he doesn’t get turned on by me then rejected? i feel like this would give me even more anxiety not being around him and im okay with being around him romantically i just can’t have sex with him but he brings it up multiples times a day how i don’t kiss him the same and that we should move on. would a break be a good idea that im being too codependent and stubborn to accept? sorry for the long essay i promise i did try to keep it short lol

My husband shared his addiction with me six months ago. He told me it started in high school before we ever knew each other, manifesting in the form of chatting with people online through various apps. I forgave him and we want to move forward but I have asked for a full disclosure conversation and am in need of advice on what I’m even supposed to ask specifically. I just have no idea what kind of questions I need answered. If there is anyone that can help me or give me a list of good questions to ask so I can be informed I would really appreciate it. We have been seeing a therapist but are in the process of looking for a new one who is CSAT certified, among other treatment options.

I've been going back-and-forth for months on whether or not I want to ask my partner for a polygraph.

A big part of my hesitation is I know I only get to have 1 or 2 questions asked, and I don't know how best to phrase them to get the answers I'm looking for.

I want to know if the last time I'm aware of his cheating, was actually the last time it happened. And if, to the best of his memory, he has told me all the details about the porn and the cheating during our relationship that he can recall. And if there's anything he's knowingly hiding from me or lying about currently.

How should I phrase that? How did those of you who got polygraphs phrase your question(s)?

Thank you

My husband and I have been together for 4 years married for 2, we have a daughter together. I had a miscarriage in December. In February he cheated on me with a cross dresser on grinder. He claims he did nothing with this person except plan to meet with them. In my opinion it’s still cheating whether he virtually agreed or actually met them and physically did anything, it doesn’t matter because he still planned to do it whether he went through with it or not. My husband says all this has happened due to his porn addiction escalating. Not being able to sleep with me, not being able to touch me. So he resorted to porn. He had problems with porn since before we met which he was honest about, he admitted he watched very taboo things and apparently has led him to escalate to trans porn, which led him to questioning his sexuality. I know he has cheated on me when I was in a very vulnerable position, I think im going to leave him regardless of anything, but I just want to know has anyone experienced anything like this. I am treading very lightly as I almost lost my brother to suicide due to my parents not being accepting of his sexuality. So because of this I want to try and handle it in the nicest way possible because even though he has hurt me, I want him to feel he has a safe space to express his feelings.

So frustrated and hurt. My PA has been seeing a CSAT weekly for 2-3 months now, going to meetings, and I’ve been starting to see him develop some empathy. I’ve see a lot of changes within the last few weeks that made me hopeful.

He’s been working on his disclosure with his CSAT and last week my CSAT sent his my questions. He went over my questions with his CSAT this week and was really upset after his meeting. His CSAT had previously mentioned the polygraph a few weeks ago and he basically said he wouldn’t do one. I hadn’t really put much thought into it, but after he had such a strong reaction, it made me think that maybe I should. My therapist recommended to just let his discuss this further with him.

After going through my questions this week they discussed the polygraph again and how this is commonly utilized with a formal disclosure. He told his therapist he wasn’t doing it.

I had my appointment the day after his and my CSAT and I discussed this most of my session. She said that him having such a big reaction is very telling and that there’s something he doesn’t want to share, which also makes me want to ask for the polygraph. She talked about being firm on this and letting him know that this is what I need in order to feel safe and move forward. Also mentioned setting a boundary of potentially him staying somewhere else until he can give me what I need. Idk if I’m at a place where I can ask him to move out… we had a long convo about this and she feels that he will likely agree to it when confronted with a hard boundary…

I had planned to discuss this with him on a day the kids are all gone (we have 4 kids 6 and under). And he often pulls them into our stuff- has said things before like “mommy doesn’t love daddy anymore… mommy wants daddy to leave” etc…

He keeps passive aggressively bringing the disclosure and polygraph up. He brought it up Thursday night and said he wasn’t doing it. I asked why. He’s a very stubborn person, so I think once he initially decided he wasn’t going to do it, then that’s that. He’s not changing his mind. He made comments like well I would never disclose anything illegal like if I killed someone (even though he didn’t & he’s just trying to be dramatic). He knows that my CSAT won’t do the disclosure unless he passes it (if I ask for one), so then says I guess we won’t do a disclosure then. I told him I need one to feel safe in moving forward. Then he says well I guess you’ll just divorce me then.

Over the last couple days he keeps bringing it up. Now says he’ll take it once but if he fails he’s not doing it again, not changing one word of his disclosure… multiple comments like my wife can’t be with me without polygraphing me. Said he’s worried he’ll resent me for it and won’t love me the same if I ask him to do it.

I have basically almost said nothing when he says this. I don’t say anything about separating or wanting a divorce as he’s been triggered by that in the past. I told him I need the disclosure to feel safe and that his reaction is making me feel like he’s not wanting to be honest in his disclosure.

Today he blew up at me (we were supposed to be celebrating Mother’s Day today). Said he doesn’t want to be on this earth anymore. I ruin everything. A Mother’s Day ruined… we will probably ruin every other holiday this year. He’s starting to resent me. To go ahead and leave already so he can move on with his life. Today is one of the worst days of his life etc. I broke down crying. No comforting me. Never any apology… just stuck in his shame spiral for the rest of the day.

Honestly I can’t survive on my own right now. Im pregnant and due in a few weeks. I don’t have help here. I make a descent salary but not nearly enough to survive. I’ve invested everything into helping him make it to the top of his career. And logistically I can’t take care of 5 kids on my own. I work odd hours and so it’s hard to find help. My family is over 12 hours away. I feel stuck. And sadly, I really love him and desperately want this to work, but I also can’t keep living this way and want someone for once in my life to give me what I need too. I also don’t want to devastate my babies…. I don’t want to break up our family.

I hate this.

Edit to add: TRIGGER WARNING…I should also mention that he has mentioned hurting himself many times over the last year. His PA escalated to online affairs (over a two month period until DDay) one of the reasons he gave me was bc he was so depressed and thought about hurting himself and used it as a distraction.

I have some trauma from childhood and my old marriage, but man oh man I never expected to be treated the way I’m being treated. His whole family is ganging up against me at this point. I’m at a loss. I’m having to live with all of them, and I physically don’t know how much more I can take. Now we’re doing an in house separation because I can’t physically control my crying. I’ve been told I am not worth celebrating on Mother’s Day although I’m 10 months post partum and had my son unassisted. Nothing to be celebrated. My heart is destroyed. He’s sleeping away from me tonight. I’m not going to get cuddled in the morning or anything special. He said it’s going to be like any other Sunday. Lord, have mercy on me!

My(21f) boyfriend(23m) said he had been addicted to porn for years, he recently "quit on his own." I found a collection of porn sort of in the beginning of our relationship , and him looking up stuff here on reddit about a month ago. But I'm noticing he's super temperamental, gets frustrated over simple things and his whole next few hours are ruined if something simple happens. I had to move in with him months back because I was escaping an awful family situation. Since I've been here, I feel like we've done nothing. Today and last night I asked him on a drive just out of the city to try and see the northern lights here in michigan. He said he would "if he has to," but then it turned into yelling because I felt like he and I never get out and do anything together, he'd rather be at home apparently and if he didn't have it in his plan to go out it would basically ruin his mood (and mine) for the whole night. Is this because he's sexually frustrated? Could it be because he stopped watching porn cold turkey? Genuinely I feel lost and his temper/anger is scaring me.

I am incapable of trust anymore, out of 7 relationships I had, 2 cheated on me (confirmed), 2 cheated on me I am sure at 90% and the 3 remaining were PA how do you start believing people again it's impossible whether they are partners or family/friends?

I know this is completely irrational and so I’m so here seeking some ‘I hear ya’s’…

Not actually my first post but reads like it.

As the title says he’s on discord with his friends for the first time in a while. I’m struggling with feeling just desperately anxious purely because he has this space, and unsure what to do myself a little bit

He’s been doing well lately, a lot more open with communication, it’s been a few weeks since a search slip, more attentive, doing really well in therapy and understanding himself and me more and more each week.

I am unfortunately waiting a few more weeks until I can get into my therapy and so feeling a bit left behind I guess for the time being, and just hoping that he’s moved forward enough to not abuse this time

We don’t have any kind of accountability between us other than he’s supposed to tell me within a certain time about a slip, and he seems to understand that it’s the hiding and lying that is the worst part. But I guess as I don’t check his accounts (I only ever did upon first finding out after many ‘I don’t know why I still get those OF emails, I swear’ and ‘you need sex more than me’, and for a few weeks following when he was still trying to hide) and I have said I won’t check anything unless I let him know when I’m doing it. It’s not really something I’d like to do though. I really feel the pain shopping, and finding absolutely everything that was not that hidden at all, fycked me up. he should have really been the one to tell me I guess, but I don’t believe even he’s aware of the full extent because of the strong hook. 🪝

Just needing a bit of support/advice as to how to make myself feel better? What do you do to distract yourself so you’re not just overthinking? I’m here with my sister who’s doing college work so I can’t really distract her too much and we can’t really talk about it due to the nature of the issue anyway… we’re watching trashy TV

TL;DR: need help distracting my anxious brain from overthinking whilst PA is on discord with friends first time since DDay. Or help sitting in my feelings.

P.s. haven’t finished betrayal blind yet

boyfriend has previously had issues with social media and porn consumption, we had an argument over him lying to me about something small (domestic) that triggered me because he has lied to me about his porn consumption on many occasions. He invalidated my feelings of being hurt by the lie, saying i should acknowledge that he even told me, and then proceeded to masturbate in the shower (without porn) after shifting the blame onto me somehow and hurting my feeling to the point that i cried. Is this an overreaction, like am i crazy for being hurt by this??? Hes also asking me to detail every reason why it hurt my feelings but i cant exactly explain why other than it felt really uncaring and cruel that he was able to do that right after making me cry.

Sorry for the long post everyboday. I could use some SERIOUS support. I am truly going through it right now.

We were separated for two weeks. I moved out yesterday into my new place.

Before this, during the separation, I THOUGHT my PA and I were getting somewhere. He seemed genuinely remorseful and receptive at times. For reference, he goes to 12-step meetings and sees a therapist. We have Truple and Google Family Link, he deleted social media, and I have all his passwords. However, as of a few days ago, he’s been flip flopping. Saying me having all his passwords makes him uncomfortable (when I found a slip-up). Makes his THERAPIST uncomfortable. I fought him hard as hell on that, and the next day he apologized and agreed he wants me to feel safe and like I have a sense of control. That he agrees he needs to come to me first to talk about things that would potentially make me upset if I saw.

On May 9th, when I had to pack all of my things from the house, I saw he had left out his little notebook. My CSAT, friends, and I think it was on purpose. He ripped out two pages from it, left ‘em on top, and they all said mean things, seemingly from a therapy session. Saying he wants a partner, not a parole officer. That surveillance of his accounts doesn’t help him heal and doesn’t breed trust. Calling me obsessive and vindictive. That he wants to block access because it feels counterproductive to healing. AFTER AGREEING WITH ME THAT IT WILL HELP REBUILD TRUST, AND THAT HE IS WILLING TO DO WHAT IT TAKES TO EARN MY TRUST AGAIN.

I responded to every single bullet point. Saying he’s manipulative, that LYING destroys trust, losing the access to the only source of truth is what will break trust, and that I want a partner, not a manipulative porn addict. I have pictures of it all if anyone wants to see them.

AND OH YEAH - He LITERALLY had two pages in his notebook on how to reset the parental locks on the living room Smart TV, and how to erase the cache/history on the TV. WOW. And he’s claimed he’s been sober for over a month! Adamant about it, proud of it. There’s just no way, right? Then I wrote a long note. With that “how to delete the cache” page next to it, basically saying this is why I cannot trust him. He has lied from the very beginning and I won’t let him cross my boundaries anymore. That I won’t let him view me as a parole officer and his addiction and recovery are no longer my problem. To get his shit together, he knows what to do, he knows honestly is a must, he has all the tools. I told him to fix this himself and to not contact me. To only contact me when he he legitimately is taking recovery seriously.

So here I am. In my brand new apartment. Waking up the first day. Haven’t heard a word from him. I’m almost upset he’s respecting my boundaries. And feel so pathetic that I instructed him not to contact me when really I am DYING for him to talk to me. It is so difficult not to see and talk to him. I am lonely and depressed, and he’s out doing whatever he wants and pleases. While I’m miserable.

*edit left a part out*

There is just so much damage. SO MUCH. Can it ever be put back, or made whole?

What about the kids? My daughter is an exact copy of his personality. The selfishness is strong with this one. She just graduated HS last night. It's been a long couple of weeks preparing. She needed things done, like pictures but didn't want to take any of HER free time to do it when I too had time. Instead, she would text me frantically while I was at work or school wanting to know if we could get that done RIGHT NOW the sec I get home. Like... I offered on Sat and Sun, but she was too tired. I then offered on another day when I would have time, but that would be when she was off work and she had plans. So, I gave her my availability and told her to let me know. There is already a lot going into the planning for her party. All of this while going through the hardest months of my life, because PA/Husband. Pictures did not get done before graduation. Among other things that SHE put off and I think used me as an excuse to not get it done. GEE GOLLY this feels familiar. She has been angry at me for being angry at her dad. I know she has no idea exactly what I'm going through. Unless you have been on the receiving end of this, you just can't even know.

At graduation last night, all the seniors gave their mom a flower after they walked the stage. She climbed the steps to where the whole family was sitting, mine and his. Leans in toward me with the flower, I start to reach for it, she is looking right at me, then hands it to her brother. (23m)

On the one hand, I'm happy they are getting along and love each other. On the other hand, it felt like a dagger straight to my heart. It felt like Dday all over again. I instantly became hyper-aware of my stomach which isn't perfect. I became hyper-aware of the number of young females that were present. I felt humiliated. As she walked away, I excused myself to the bathroom. My husband, son and mother followed me. Even her brother knew she had just been a complete ass.

She knew what she did. She tried to backpedal and tell me she was going to say something to me, and tried to give me her little plastic duck that was the "class animal" She did anything but say I'm sorry.

I lay in bed last night thinking about everything. Thinking about how HE gave the flower to anyBODY but me. I could have written most of our posts here, we all could have. My daughter hates me and I didn't break the family. I felt so kicked while I was down, and it brought up all the emotions of HIS behavior. I see him so clearly in her. (minus the porn) Thanks for reading, feels good to just ... talk.

My PA is 75 days clean from masturbation, and 60 days clean from his last porn slip. He had pulled up ASMR videos on discord. I discovered them. You can search through my post history of the ups and downs I’ve been on. Recently things have mellowed out, I feel like we’re less in crisis management mode and can now actually start to address the past without it escalating to panic and depressive episodes. Just last night we were sitting on the couch watching It’s always sunny In Philadelphia- having a great time- and then it hits me. He has sat in that very spot, while I was napping, or sitting with him completely unaware of the messages he was sending to all of the different women he was having online sex with. My therapist asked me to genuinely ponder on if this is something I can handle in the long term. Can you withstand being traumatized everyday when you remember those moments.

Yes- he’s made progress- and I’ve made progress. I don’t know if it can make up for everything I lost. I don’t think I can ever forgive him for what he was doing. How he made me feel. I’m still devastated over the loss of what I thought our relationship was. I’m happy with myself and I know it had nothing to do with me. All that being said, I just feel like it’s all ruined. There will always be a part of me that doesn’t forgive him and doesn’t completely trust him. I don’t know if that could ever be repaired- even if it was at 99.9999%. It’s devastating.

Hi everyone i just wanted your take on this. Tonight we went to a comedy show called "kill tony" because my husband loves his show. I thought why not. Although very innapropriate they jokes didnt bother me. What bothered me was in between switching comedians, girls in lingere , show thier bits. Would come out to annouce . He wouldnt look away. I asked him to out of respect look away and he refused saying no one else is having this issue. It turned into a huge arguement. I sucked it up the whole show knowing he was fantasizing about this girls for the sake of keeping the peace on the car ride i tried to talk about it and he shuts me up bringining up something old i never did. Where hes done many things to hurt me. So theres no talking to him about any of this. Right now we are not speaking but i am here becuase we have kids. In advice i ask am i wrong for what i feel? What would you do?

I'm visiting family, my time away from my partner has made me reflect more on our relationship.

For the longest time I've said to myself that I truly want to break up with him. But I go back and forth, romanticize the good times, remember we've been through so much together and feel scared to take the plunge. I've tried breaking up twice already but we always reconciled. I love him, but the resentment his behavior has caused is insurmountable. I suggested therapy but I'm not longer interested.

I rented a storage unit. The day after I come back from my trip I will begin to move my things. In the past, the prospect of separation and moving out felt daunting. So I'm taking baby steps in hopes of being able to leave.

I'm also playing a game. I feel deranged, but I was not like this before... Every time he is mean to me, or every moment I realize we're not compatible I will take 1 item to the storage unit (or keep a list and then move in bulk in secret). If I get questioned I'll say I'm selling things. I'm estimating it won't take long for me to finish this little game given the fact that on a daily basis I seeth in anger remembering how this all began.

He left me because "there was no trust between us", like I've said in previous posts. He said he didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night with me looking at his phone ever again, or a girlfriend or anybody to be policing his socials. He also said he didn't trust me and that I was codependent. When he said that I felt like all the love I've felt for him was reduced to nothing. For him, my love wasn't real, but just codependency, I suppose? But I loved him like I loved no one else. Beyond stereotypes and a checklist. I loved him in his good times and his bad times.I can't even explain it. I loved him for being him. I was so sure I'd loved him for the rest of my life. It's been now about 9 months, and despite moving on and accepting his not coming back, here I am 9 months later, crying because I miss him so much and I feel like I lost my soul mate. Crying because I don't know if he's OK or not. If he's relapsed on drugs and prostitutes or is he healing and happy. I'm crying because he did not believe in my love, which is both absurd and selfish of me, I think.

I haven't dated nor I'm interested in dating anybody, which I think I'd be doing if I really was codependent.

My [F41] boyfriend [M35] of 10 years came clean to me about seeing strippers and watching porn and now I can’t look at him the same way. After 10 years together we have finally decided to move in together to start a family (working on IVF) and he told me while we were talking about how we can manage our differences, that over the past 10 years he went to strip clubs to get lap dances and he has porn subscriptions online (to personal accounts for one on one) and he has hidden all this from me to protect my feelings. I don’t know what to think.. He says it’s not a big deal, every man does it and we should continue our relationship as it was but I feel so betrayed; lied to and deceived as to think I knew this man so well. Am I making a big deal out of this? I’m considering breaking up with him.

Hi everyone,

First post here. Recently found out that my fiancé hid this addiction from me and that he had crossed one of my boundaries (subscribing to OnlyFans models). He decided to come clean to me, but I don’t know what triggered it. I cant help but feel so worthless, not enough, and heartbroken. I can’t even look at him without wanting to break down and cry.

I’ve been crying non-stop and haven’t had anything to eat. I just feel so, so sick to my stomach. I just want to run to someone and be held while I sob uncontrollably, but I can’t help but be embarrassed by my own situation.

My partner is a pa and I found out over 2 months ago, he had been watching porn our whole relationship, said he started when he was very young. I already went through all the motions, I am at the point where I am forcing myself to believe that he has stopped. I caught him 2 times after he said he would stop. This time I told him I would leave him. I am so done putting in the work to see if he is still watching or not. I have always been extremely attracted to my bf. We have been together for 4 1/2 years and before finding out about his addiction we were in the healthiest state we have ever been. Not taking in account his addiction, I was ready to marry this man. It’s so weird to me how he kind of lived this double life, I can say we were so happy, we had gotten past really rough parts in our relationship. Life was just so bliss. But then this all came to light and my world was flipped totally upside down. But like I said I am at the point where I am just going with the flow, whatever happens happens, I will be okay in the end. It’s really hard to bring myself to leave him, we are so entangled in each others lives and I truly have no other friends but him.

Going back to present day, I am now questioning if porn was the reason for his sex drive? Okay I get horny around him what, I am attracted to him but like the thought of having sex with him gives me the ick now? I have had sex with him after healing a bit but after this last time I found out and wanted to leave, I am thinking he really stopped? Mostly because he is no longer interested in having sex, I asked him what happened he is saying he thinks its a good thing that hes not horny all the time anymore. He used to treat me so flirty, and we would tease each other all that fun stuff, it has stopped, he wont even touch me in bed. It’s all just turning me off because it makes me feel he isn’t attracted to me anymore, I understand this whole “its good I am not horny all the time” but that’s not really what I wanted, It doesn’t feel good not being able to make your partner horny. Now I am trying to piece together if this is because of the absence of porn. Without porn does this man have no sex drive?

Also, I don’t know if this is an internal problem I have. Or if its because I feel my partner is no longer sexually attracted to me which turns me off. I have never been one to be a revenge type of person, but I am starting to be sexually attracted to other males? Like today I was giving an injection to another guy in my class that I was partnered with, and feeling his arms and being so close to him turned me on. I would never cheat on my partner although it feels like he has to me, but I am starting to fantasize being with other men. This guy I gave an injection to is also no where near my typical type, yet feeling his arms and him feeling mine made me feel excited.

What the hell is going on with me. I am not familiar with this feeling. My head and thoughts are all over the place. Someone please tell me I’m not going nuts. Or maybe I am and I need help.

I will also add that I am a constant lurker on this page. Everyone here is incredibly strong for going through this and extremely brave for sharing. You guy’s stories have reminded me that I am not alone.

I need some advice on a situation I’m going through in my marriage!

My (F24) husband(M23) and I have had a bunch of issues in our 6 year relationship. We got pregnant and married at 18/19. He began emotionally cheating a few weeks before we got married and continued it for a few more weeks after. He didn’t stop until I found out. I was 6 months pregnant. I stayed and he joined the military. During that time and up to 1.5 years postpartum with our first baby he had a pretty bad porn addiction. He barely touched me when I was pregnant and went several months turning me down or going soft during sex after I had the baby. I lost all the weight and looked pretty similar to before so I didn’t understand why. Then I found out he was watching porn almost every single day AT WORK and sometimes another time in the shower at home. For months! I was devastated. It absolutely wrecked my self-esteem. Fast forward 2 years later, we had gone through counseling and things felt much better. I felt safe enough to try for another baby. We conceived and the entire pregnancy was great. Our relationship was great and I was happy. Then I had the baby and he started watching porn again but hid it this time. It was apparently at this time (2022) where he was out with a guy friend of his and they started talking about porn. My husband started talking about how he was unhappy with my body. He showed his friend many of the nude pictures I’ve sent him over the years and asked him if he could ever find me attractive. (Spoiler: the friend did find me attractive and that pissed my husband off for some reason) I had NO IDEA of this until this past week. I am HORRIFIED. This time last year we also had a problem with him attempting to cheat at a bar while he was away for work for a few months. At this point my trust is completely shattered, bruised, broken, and set on fire. I have no idea what to do. I’m a SAHM that’s 900 miles from home with nothing to my name. He is an amazing dad and our kids are obsessed with him. My heart aches at the thought of divorcing him simply because it would hurt my kids and somehow I still love him and am so afraid of change. He’s all I’ve known for the entirety of my adult life. I’m so sad and lost. Is there anyway to come back from a situation like this? Has anyone ever been able to restore or fix the trust?

Trigger warning: suicide

Ok. This has been happening a lot lately but it’s been increasing and I’m starting to get quite worried.

I made a post awhile back that my husband would say things like, “I’d rather have died then have hurt you” or “it would be better if I just wasn’t around” ect ect” it’s been a common pattern that if our fights escalate he will end up Shame cycling and talking about his suicidal thoughts and ideations. He says he struggles with it daily. He has had a couple different “plans”

Usually things escalate if 1. We have been talking about my feelings for “too long” he can only handle so much. Or 2. The topic we are discussing is extra shameful for him. For example I feel unsafe around young women because of the 18 year olds in content he watched. He feels like I’m calling him a pedo because I don’t feel safe with him around teens. Or the fact that I feel like our sex from when he was having explicit online relationships was non consensual because by lying to me he was taking away my ability to give him an informed “no”. I now say I would have said no during that time. Now he feels like I’m calling him a rapist.

I’ve told him he needs to talk to his therapist about his suicidal thoughts. That I’m not the person to have the conversation with and I can’t really respond to that type of talk. He said he did mention it to his CSAT but that didn’t change much of anything.

Today we had another fight and I broke down and comforted him. I’m scared he might be serious. He struggled with depression for a long time I just always assumed it was part of the porn addiction? How could anyone be happy with their dopamine all messed up. He said he only had two goals. For me to heal and be happy and for him to die. We have a child together. What should I do????

For background he will be at 7 months sober in a few days. Addiction therapy since january or February. But can only go about twice a month. He’s in support group. Doing podcasts and books.

My ex husband is a sex addict which is why we divorced. I love him but I’m not sure if I can ever trust him again.

His issue is plentiful but biggest is masturbation to online content (dating sites, chat sites, OF). If he couldn’t find consenting adults he would exchange content with teenagers. I’m appalled and reported him (went nowhere) and don’t think I can ever look past this…does anyone have similar experience they can share?

What do you do about resentment? I have so much anger and pain still and it's spilling into other things. Part of it is very justified... ex him not being an equal parent or not cleaning or the fact that he kept hurting me with his addiction over and over and over. Some of it is anger at myself for allowing this shit to happen to me again. But I also know the relationship can't be fixed if I snap over something every day/week. Or if I end up hospitalized for my mental health. I do think he's trying. But he's not doing enough. How do I tell him I need him to do more or do better... be more productive or more thoughtful of me... how do I forgive and move forward and let go? Can I even? I have set boundaries. I've been trying to be upfront but I suck at this and I end up just being angry and yelling.

Me again. Things have settled down around here a bit. I've had some thoughts that I wanted to get out and right now this place is my only outlet for little rants/thoughts at the moment. So here I go.

1. She lied to the women she was cheating on me with too. She told one she has only ever cheated once and "felt terrible" and confessed right away. Not even close to the truth. It's almost laughable. Even worse when I got upset that she was confiding in these women and not me she used the logic that they were strangers so there was no risk to telling them things. Okay so why lie to them then?

2. She didn't think talking about graphic sex scenes in depth with another woman was inappropriate. Umm what? I wouldn't tolerate it before she came out so why does she think it's fine now that she's trans? The answer is that she's full of it.

3. She feels it's unfair that other addicts get to relapse but she's "not allowed". I can't believe I had the patience to speak to her about this. I explained that the other addicts in her group (SMART) may have a relapse that does not in anyway hurt their spouse. Doesn't put them at risk. Doesn't at all negatively impact them outside of maybe worrying the lapse will continue and then cause problems. Some might lapse and blow up their whole marriage but hurting other people doesn't always happen in addiction. But if you have a partner and you are acting out in your SA or PA you are inherently hurting your partner with your use. There is no way not to unless you have an open marriage. Which we don't. So NO BABE you don't get to relapse. Sorry not sorry.

Those were my mini-rants of the day feel free to share any of your own!

I haven't been so 100% sure about a decision since Dday 9 months ago when I found out what my best friend, my person, had been doing behind my back. I've decided to ask my PA/SA for a 90 day reset. I feel this is the only way I will be able to regain my agency, voice, and self confidence in this relationship. He will be in charge of his recovery. Completely. At least I will try hard as hell to let him. He will sink or swim. I know it will be hard for both of us, but it's gotten to the point I can't trust his motivations for having sex, and I'm not going to be an avenue for his addiction and I feel like crap about myself everyday, every time he looks at me. I don't beleive a word that comes out of his mouth when he compliments me. It's to the point I feel more comfortable when we are apart because then I don't worry that he is judging me and my appearance. I guess he will either be receptive or....not. And then I will know, he either thinks we are worth 90 days, or not. I'll find out tomorrow!

Just the title. I’m 22F and he’s 25M. We broke up a little over a month ago, we both lived in the house I own. He went back to his parents’ house and I stayed to pick up the pieces of our relationship. We’re cordial and have plans with friends in the future.

It’s weird, seeing him again. He got a hair cut and is learning new hobbies. He lost weight, but I know that’s from not eating to punish himself for losing me. It’s good to see him focus his energy on things he enjoys, but I can’t help but feel bitter. What am I doing? Feeling entirely alone in an empty house?

I threw my entire self into this relationship and lost my entire self in the process. What have I used to enjoy? What games did I play? What music did I listen to? I’m trying Sims 4 again today and accidentally booted up an old save where him and I were Sims. Deleted that save immediately.

I can’t help but wonder if he’s using again. What kind of girl is he looking at? Lord knows he’s throwing himself into hobbies to avoid therapy.

I hate late nights and I hate how everyone in the world is asleep and I can’t even mow the lawn to take my mind off it, that would be rude to my neighbors.

Could anyone commiserate? Is anyone single and throwing a pity party? I love you all, and this is just me picking up the pieces and finding myself again. One day I will smile at my reflection in the mirror again.

Update to my “Still no sponsor..” post a couple days ago. So, he was fine for a few hours, our area was having really bad weather and so we sat in an interior room with the pets and watched the weather updates. Then basically as soon as the weather got to a point where we could leave the room and go about our night, he all of the sudden gets frantic about finding a sponsor, talking about switching from his 12 step group to SMART Recovery so that he doesn’t have to find a sponsor.

He was obviously upset so I asked him to tell me what specifically was upsetting him so much about getting a sponsor and starting the steps, and he basically said that he felt like I was rushing him to find a sponsor and start the steps and he wasn’t ready yet, and that recovery was too hard with him also having to go to work and pay bills and that he was stressed. That was upsetting to me so I told him that things are very hard for me as well and that I’m going through my own recovery but I still have to work and pay bills too, and I told him that his actions make me feel like he doesn’t love me.

He freaked out at that and starting yelling and swearing, I told him not to yell at me and to get away from me if he’s going to yell, but he moved closer to me so I got up and ran in the bathroom and locked the door. He tried to follow me and was upset to realize the door was locked, so he decided he was going to run out of the house (into a tornado watch and severe thunderstorm). I called him to ask where he was going and he wouldn’t tell me, then he wouldn’t answer my subsequent phone calls.

He came home and apologized and cried about how sorry he was that he yelled at me and that he upset me by running out, but didn’t want to continue the conversation we were having before he yelled. When I told him I would be sleeping on the couch, he started crying and freaking out that I “was scared of him now”. I hated seeing him so upset so I went and got in the bed with him and calmed him down. I wish I hadn’t and had stuck to my boundary.

The silver lining is that when he ran out of the house he did call one of his fellows from group and talked to him about it and he told my PA that it was not appropriate to get upset with me for expressing my feelings about his addiction, his fellow gave him a video to watch and some pages to read and my PA has started going to meetings daily instead of twice a week. I did get a good and productive therapy session discussing the events, so that’s positive. Sorry this is so long, I’m still frustrated.

Also, trigger warning just in case- body image/comparison/suicidal thoughts

Again, Idk where to even begin or if I'm even ready. I've been looking at this groups post for awhile now and it has contributed both to saving my life and sometimes it's hard to read. I guess one of the main things that has bothered me the most along this "journey" is that no matter what he says, I don't ever feel that he is attracted to me, honestly at this point any "compliment" he gives me makes my skin crawl and disgusts me. I don't want to feel this way, especially since we're trying to stay together (married and been together almost 15 years now & yes, this has been an issue all these years, but he didn't admit to the betrayal until last July and that was over 10 years of lies)

So all the times he looked at porn, pics of random girls, even normal "profile pics" of women just existing to get off to, not ONCE was it ever me? Now hear me out, I think I'd still feel like shit if it were to me, but also it really has effected me and how I feel about my body, severely, to the point I'm struggling to even want to live anymore. I even did a boudiar photo shoot, which was out of my comfort zone completely, I had just had our 3rd child and it wasn't long after that, gave him a photo book. I've sent him photos of me too a lot. So if he had all of this, hell even to the thought of me, why not? Because to me, anytime I've seen things he's looked at they are extremely skinny or "fake" bodies (I'm all for having the body you want for you, whether that's surgery or not) but the BBL type or curves like Kim K, petite, blondes, just everything that is so opposite from me.

He thinks I'm crazy for letting this bother me, he doesn't understand, but wth. Am I crazy yall? Cause I just can't understand how he is attracted to anything about me when I'm so opposite from these girls. I'm struggling to even want to be touched at this point, but also know that if I want to stay with him, physical touch is his main love language and it's not fair to withhold that from someone. There is so much more I could add, but I'm feeling a bit all over the place atm, also this is my first time ever posting on reddit and I hope I'm even doing it right *face palm*.

Why bother asking?

I’m sick of being with a robot.

Actually, I think modern robots would be able to show more care and emotion…