I confronted my PA a few months ago, he really seemed to take things seriously this time, he went to therapy and said he'd stop the porn. Our sex life improved dramatically, the ED issues have gone and he actually seems attracted to me. He's very considerate in bed, it's almost too much and I've asked him how I can improve things for him but he's said everything is fine. But his porn use was very different to what we do, its the opposite of vanilla, it involved extreme sizes and the women look like they're not particularly enjoying things and in pain. This contradicts everything I know about him and it's probably why he didn't want to have sex with me because he's too nice to me to satisfy his kink. Last night he was really up for it, I've never seen him be so enthusiastic to get to bed early, it was completely out of chatacter. It started off great but then he said he wanted to try something out on me, I was asking what he was doing, I must have sounded nervous but he said nothing and I couldn't really see what he was doing. I don't want to go into details but I was scared and lets just say it felt like he didn't have his usual care that I was OK. I hid my reaction from him but I'm honestly a bit shaken. We've been together 18 years, I've never felt unsafe with him. The problem is I've spent so many years feeling rejected by him that I don't want to say no and I don't want him to think I'm just the frigid, boring wife and porn is better. I know there's other stuff he's into that I'm absolutely not up for but I'm worried it's just going to happen to me. I'm starting to think the porn served a purpose for him and I'm not up for the task of replacing it.

So my husband had been watching porn for a while. I tried not to let it bother me, but the uneasy feeling just grew and a couple months ago, I had told him I didn't like it. His response was, "I've been wanting to stop. So I will."

Well, last week, I caught him with it on X (used to be Twitter). And it immediately shattered me. I cried, felt ugly and insecure. I'm a bigger girl and those beautifully sculpted asian women did not make me feel as if my husband really liked me. The thing is, I have sent him pictures and videos of myself. I have OFFERED to make our own porn. And he still chooses the pictures of these Asian women. When I said I didn't like it, his response was, "I hope you get over it because it's not that big of a deal. Sometimes you're not home." I don't leave home often, I am a stay-at-home mom. And the day he told me he watched it, we had sex that day. There are days where he's tired from work and doesn't want sex. But when I'm home, he only wants it once and then can choose to get me but watches porn instead?

He got really defensive and angry when I asked why he had to have it. That's how I knew it was an addiction or at least a habitual problem. The next day, I told him a little about how I felt when he was calmer and I think I got him to understand how I felt.

I didn't say everything that I wanted to, but I saw in his face that he understood why I don't like it. I told him it made me feel small. And that I sent him stuff but he was looking at pictures of other women made me feel like he didn't find me, his wife, the best to jerk off to. I told him I felt cheated on. Then I asked him how I felt if I was looking up buff dudes with ginormous dongs to get off to. The shift in his facial expression and attitude was all I needed to feel relief.

And this group helped me voice that, so thank you.

TL/DR: I beleive I got my husband to understand why him watching porn hurts me.

I’m wife to a porn addict, we will be married 6 years December 21st. We have 3 kids - one by a previous relationship and a young son and daughter together. They are preschool age.

He has been PA for decades, he said he first started watching porn at 10 or 11 years old, he just turned 42 yesterday.

I spent the majority of his birthday yesterday curled up in a ball on our couch, sobbing while he and our kids were at his parent’s house. He signed up for Migiri November 4th. Yesterday morning I checked my email and had an alert from Wednesday that he tried accessing explicit content at 9:47 AM. When I confronted him about it, he denied it, said that the app made a mistake somehow. I was gone from home around that time getting a mammogram and he was home with our three kids.

I’ve known about his porn use the majority of our relationship. It’s just been within the past couple of years that I’ve been aware of the extent of it.

There was one day we were sitting at the breakfast table and one of our kids wanted to watch a video on his laptop, and when he pulled up Internet Explorer a video popped up in front of our then four-year-old.

There was another time I was in the grocery store and the kids were in the car and when I came out of the store and jumped in the front seat I glanced over at his phone before he closed out the screen, and he was checking out some tranny.

He used to work in a porn shop down in Florida in his early 20s. He’s a bisexual male and has done porn videos with a transgendered woman. I knew about it when we first started dating. I accept that he is bisexual and I don’t have an issue with it, and I accepted that he is in some porn video floating around out there because it was in the past many years before we met. I knew he watched porn still, but I did not know in the early stages of our relationship, that he is PA.

He does admit to being a porn addict and anytime I’ve asked him about his porn use he has been at least somewhat honest as far as I know, in terms of admitting that he’s using.

I’ve never asked him about what sort of content he watches, but I have asked him if he uses only fans or pays for content, which he denies. He also denies any sort of live video chats, but I did see a message from a woman on IG come across his notifications one day when I was using his phone for something. It said, “Hey baby.” He claims it was a bot.

I think I am at the point that I want a divorce. I have hesitated because of how young our kids are and I worry about how they will be affected having to move, and because of the split. We live on a farm in the country and it’s always been my dream to have a place like we do. We bought our pancetta together in 2020. I don’t think I can get him to leave, he said today that he refuses to leave and if I am going to divorce him that I am the one who can go.

I love him, but I don’t think I can forgive him. Even if he stopped now, the damage from betrayal is done. I’ve always been very fit until my last two pregnancies that were very close together. The extra weight that I am carrying really affect my self-esteem, and his actions are like salt in the wound. I feel so rejected because he chooses to get off to women half my age with bodies like I used to have when we met. I haven’t been intimate with him for a while because I just can’t bring myself to do it. I’m disgusted by his actions. Today he tried blaming me for his PA by saying I am not “helping” him not use porn because I’m not having sex with him.

I’m thinking the truth and the extent of his usage is probably far worse than what I know or have imagined. My mental health has really been in decline, and I’m hanging on by a thread. I have some other stuff I’m dealing with too, health related. Just recently diagnosed auto immune, so there’s that weighing on me too. Yesterday I contemplated self harm, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it because of our kids.

Sorry for the long post and I don’t even know what I’m really looking for, except to vent. If it wasn’t for his PA, he would be an excellent partner. The weight of all of this just feels crushing, I have barely been able to function since I saw that email and the thought of leaving scares me. I’m so sad and depressed and everything feels so hopeless right now.

Is it mean if I don’t get him anything special for Christmas?

My heart isn’t in it anymore. I thought we were almost at a year since sobriety, but he’s been doing it on Spotify since September. The searches are all teen related and “jerking off instructions” known to the addicts as “joi”.

I am very giving, it’s my love language, and I usually go all out and buy him very nice gifts. However I don’t feel the need this year and think a jacket will suffice.

However is that a form of reactive abuse and just petty/passive aggressive? Every year I make it a big deal, try to surprise him, etc. He’ll know I’m doing it out of spite I suppose. But I’m also doing it because my heart isnt in it this time around, which also feels disingenuous.

But still has an X account that keeps getting installed and deleted.

X is notorious for being trail free in my experience, so I figure the only way I can catch anything on there (if there is anything to catch) is through the Safe Search feature that must be disabled for 99% of lewd content to be viewed. I’ve turned it on, if I go back and its turned off, then I’ve got my answer

I’ve trusted he only uses it to check up on his client’s progress, but the patterns are still concerning to me unfortunately.

I apologize if this is a double post I got an error message so I don’t know if it worked.

We are currently separated he’s at his parents house. We were supposed to be in between fixing and trial separation? I don’t even know how to give it a name.

As soon as he went to his parents he admitted “to get back at me” he thought about watching porn and getting off and sending me photo evidence he did it again.

He swears he didn’t do it but I don’t believe him. It feels like he said something to feel less guilt. But the reason we reached here was he hid something (which he denies) with his text messages.

He disabled the trash so he could delete messages and they wouldn’t be stored. And he’s had an issue with emotional affairs in our relationship.. so I know he did something. He says he didn’t do anything “yet” he just planned to and didn’t want there to be evidence.

I don’t believe him at all on anything. And I don’t know if I don’t believe him because he’s lying or my own trauma. But I felt sick and it’s before my period has been missed so I didn’t think I’d see anything on a test just yet but I didn’t feel normal.

I got a faint positive and now I feel so stuck and confused. I don’t know if I want to be tied to him forever right now.

Hi all, I really appreciate everyone on this forum. I am no longer in a group therapy but continue to be in professional therapy. So it’s good to have input from others who have experienced the same or similar. I had my first DDay 2.5 years ago. But this is into a very long marriage. I don’t feel like I am getting any better or that I will ever get over this enough to make it okay to stay. I can be okay for a couple days and then I go back into intense resentment and anger. It’s not possible to ask a therapist if they think you should leave the relationship. They won’t answer that. I am so afraid that I will regret it if I make a move to divorce. But staying when i know that I will always feel this way about his issues is not an option. My question for all of you is, is PA enough of a cause for divorce? Do most people try to stay and work it out? Trust my gut that says this is unacceptable and he would never have accepted it from me. I would appreciate any advice. I’m so tired of feeling this way. Going forward with him while my mind is tormented by thoughts of him seeking out hot young women does not seem like I am being authentic to myself. Thanks!

I’m not stupid. Instagram isn’t desperate for your views by throwing in a thirst trap into your reels. It’s all caused by an algorithm based on your interests and screen time.

He swears it was just random thrown in there, I don’t even know how to begin to explain how that’s such a load of sh*t. Can someone help me out here? I know it’s things like likes and time frequency on a post… anything else that causes this?

Because I don’t get those in my feed/algorithm, for obvious reasons (not a porn sick male).

We’re hitting about a week after the biggest dday of our marriage, though it’s not bc of what he did… it’s more bc I can’t hold in my feelings anymore to protect him from additional guilt and shame.

I communicated one of my boundaries is he needs to get help either from a counselor or a group.

So what does this look like? I’m hearing horror stories of mood changes, drive changes, etc. I read online that a 45 day abstinence is common, if not 90 days. That would be tough for me bc I have my own drive, and if it doesn’t work, I’d be resentful.

What can I expect if he really does the work to be clean for 3 months, 6 months, a year? (Seems impossible right now)

Through more convos I don’t think he’s been clean for more than 3 weeks in 10+ years. He’s right now (before dday) in harm reduction, so he has images on his computer so he doesn’t go for videos online. I’m pushing that this isn’t the end point. So he’s not in the deep end, but also has been here for 25+ years with very few long periods of being clean.

The other day, I gave my boyfriend the ultimatum. Minimum 6 months porn free or we are not getting engaged.

He's deleted all social media, he's made a promise to be open and honest with me. I know his personality, so I am not worried about him lying to me or being disingenuous.

However, i want him to go beyond sobriety and go into full recovery. This is just my opinion, but I find porn disgusting, degrading, and I wish it just didn't exist. I do not want him to relapse because I know it's will break me. I know if he is honest, even if I can handle it okay with my reaction, i will be internally destroyed.

I am going to be healthy about it and work on myself, focus on my prayer life and relationship with God, and work on my own goals and ambitions.

I want him to work on himself and recover so that our children won't have a porn addict as a father. I will not marry a porn addict.

I want to introduce him to CSAT, do couples therapy, and do SLAA (although he hasn't ever cheated on me in the traditional sense of sexting or entertaining other women; just the porn so I don't know if SLAA is a bit overkill...same with CSAT). When he isn't horny, I know he finds porn disgusting and reprehensible. Maybe i am lying to myself though.

I know we are on the same page regarding porn and we have the same beliefs on boundaries and guidelines....he just has a problem with porn.

I know he won't do anything in person to aid his recovery, so what can I suggest to help him that is an online source? Are there online CSAT therapists that are affordable? Neither of us are wealthy, and I don't want to make his addiction the centre of our relationship.

What should I do? He's open to talking about stuff but I don't want to push him away by being overly naggy. Any help would be great.

Hi all.

I posted a while back about being a newlywed. I got married in April, and found out on our honeymoon that my husband was a PA. He bought content during our engagement and chatted with creators on Onlyfans, as well as made dating profiles during our engagement and talked to women on there. He says he never physically cheated (who knows!). He completed a therapy program with a CSAT, says he hasn’t touched any porn since I found out, and we’ve been attending couples counseling. We still have our fair share of problems, and it just seems like things aren’t getting any better. We made the decision to end our marriage this week. We’re telling our parents this upcoming week. It’s been so hard. I’m 26 years old, I’m a Muslim. If there are any other Muslims here, you know how frowned upon divorce is. I’m struggling with it, but I know it’ll be for the best. I’m just terrified of life after my husband. I’m terrified to move out, live on my own in my own apartment, make new friends, and become more independent. I’m also going to miss him a lot. This was not what my life was supposed to look like after just getting married. I’m so disappointed, angry, and just sad.

Not sure why I’m making this post exactly. If anyone has any words of encouragement or any insight on how their lives have changed post divorce or leaving their PA, please share some kind words. Thank you all

Like the title says; he’s 10 months clean (I know for sure), but he’s just not himself anymore. He’s selfish, “working on himself like his therapists tells him.” But has no respect for my boundaries, nor eyes for my pain. Is it getting better? I miss my best friend, we did everything together for years. Kind of moved out almost a month ago, but he just keeps convinced it’s all me, not him that has the problem. It’s like he needs an excuse to not feel the pain of what he did to me. Does it even get better? Of do I have to leave for good, because I really don’t want to. All I want my best friend back and the pain to stop….

Warning: long read and TW

Hello everybody! It's been almost a month when I decided to leave my PA husband after 7 years of our relationship (almost 3 years of marriage). I decided I'm going to post here more since going through a breakup/separation with an addict is difficult and I want to share more about my experience.

You can read my previous post where I shared my emotions after attending a couple therapy with him. After that, I went into a no-contact mode. He helped me to move out, payed cheques for carriers, that's it. I started missing him 'cos it's another loop of my attachment type, but I'm staying strong and keep reminding myself of what he did to me and how I lived in emotionless relationship.

During this week I've experienced talking with three other different men and I've noticed they all have something in common and I brought it up as a therapy topic this week.

So, here we go. First, is my ex with whom I recently started communicating (actually, our tangled relationship after 8 years of the split reminded me that men who do not watch porn do exist, however, it's a different topic). The downside of our relationship always was that when we used to date, he usually put responsibility over his emotions to me. We both were young and experienced different kind of shit TW! (Suicide attempts, self-harm, toxic relationship, etc). Sometimes he was very supportive but during his dumps I felt like he's wayyyy too depressive. I tried my best to improve my life but I always felt he was kinda...weaker then me? Wasn't a provider man type? 8 years later not many things have changed. He became wiser but I still feel how he tries to put the responsibility on another person (by saying he needs a girl to believe in him and support, while being not very capable of earning himself, and he actually asked if I would be able to lend him money if something bad happens to him).

Second man, is a person with whom I work. He started texting me not a while ago and this week I learnt from him that he split with his GF because she had been some months without job and he dumped her. When I questioned him why, he said: "because she wouldn't be able to materially and emotionally support me in case I have some issues". Do you notice something in common?

Third one, is my old acquaintance but we kissed a couple of times and I had a huuuge crush on him but we were not meant to be together. I think he felt something and he texted me recently right several days after I've announced my decision to leave to my husband. This man is quite rich (he owns several apartments, trades and helps his parents with their family business). And...I've been listening for several days how it's complicated to find a girl who would love him not for his money. I said I used to feel very emotional bond with him and he says that too (however back then it was him who rejected me lol).

My husband would be the last one. During this couples therapy session he mentioned that he's not very emotional and he can't buy me flowers, presents out of his joy and generosity and initiate these things (same with sex btw).

So I find it's very interesting that all 4 can't share emotions and be open enough with women, always expecting something more they are willing to give (I guess, it's just how I feel). And all of them want something from me! Attention, acceptance, support, etc.

So when I came to therapy to discuss this sensitive topic (money, sex, initiative), I noticed that I myself feel guilty/ ashamed when I'm next to that type of "strong", "provider" man. I feel super anxious if I only imagine that I'd go on a date with a new man and he pays for dinner (or buys me flowers/presents). I don't think I'm avoidant. I think just from my experience I attach to this type of shit who uses me as their narcissist source of energy lol. To those who usually do nothing to initiate the contact with me. Then I start feeling disappointed because I don't receive a nice treatment which I believe, I more than deserve. Finally, it was my choice to be with them! However I often put the guilt to these man, but I decide to stay blind till the end!

We also talked a lot about my feeling of guilt and the "debt" when someone does something good by their initiative for me and I noticed that I experienced this feeling with my mom (I project her to almost every relationship that I have), and she used to say when I was a kid that she didn't want to gave birth to me or that my dad wanted her to abort me, or that I'm the reason of their divorce. She also emphasised that she spent a lot of money (literally it was bare minimum) for me. So all that resulted in self harm/severe depression and my suicidal attempts when in my late teen years.

Do you notice how putting the blame for her life and her own decisions correlates with what I experienced in my relationship with men and my PA husband? He put responsibility for his addiction on me and blamed me all the time when I wanted to leave him! It felt like I don't have the right to feel my own emotions (first years of our relationship he did everything to make me cry and then forbid me to cry).

Same with my mom. When I decided to move out when I was 17 y.o. she made everything to make me feel guilty about my decision and I had several suicide attempts afterwards.

To conclude, now I see the progress in my therapy and I will work on noticing these first red flags in my communication with the people who surround me now and cut down my circle of people who surround me (I'll start with this, and then see if it affects my relationship with men in general).

However, I'm scared to get acquainted with new men now since I believe I'm going to meet the same weak/harmed/sick men as I described above.

PS. Everybody needs healing, so if I say "sick, etc" men, I don't mean they're wasted, I mean, they don't have the will/courage to work on themselves and that's what makes them weak in my eyes!

If you could share your revelations/thoughts, I'd appreciate that a lot.

We downloaded qustodio the other night after he deleted all social media. I did notice if he clicks on a reddit link on safari it will log as him going on the reddit app despite it being deleted. He cant delete history or use incognito mode. I see this morning he has two minutes on twitter and he swears up and down he did not redownload the app and he hasnt clicked any twitter links on his phone I can see. How would this get here?

I've been with my husband for two years and we recently got married over the summer. Just found out two weeks ago that he has been watching porn our whole relationship. I've also found him liking thirst traps photos of girls he knew and watching/ viewing profile of girls bodies on TikTok.

He says he doesn’t believe he is addicted. I have put an accountability app on his phone and I check his phone randomly throughout the day. Because of the holiday we have been together pretty much 24/7 for the last week and he has stopped completely as far as I know. He has told me he will never do any of it again and that he loves me. I am just having a really hard time trusting anything he says.

One thing that I keep coming back to is I feel like you can't truly love someone if you are looking at other people. Like they say "if you're looking at the menu, you are still hungry." I have a hard time understanding why he ever did it in the first place. I feel like if he actually respected, loved, and cared about me he would've never done what he did. I also feel like I wasn’t enough for him in some way so he was looking for something outside of our relationship. Do you guys have thoughts like this and if so, how do you get around it or stop thinking about it in that way?

This is a rhetorical question. Just wondering how strongly others feel this.

For background, we're several years past D-day. Did IC (CSAT for him and trauma for me) and couples counseling. The whole full disclosure/emotional impact/amends process.

On and off over the last year, I've been in situations with my SA where I don't know if I'm engaging with the addict or my partner. He's in recovery for the SA but there's still an emotional black hole. Things like me being blamed for things and not knowing if it's the addict criticizing or if this is my partner honestly bringing a concern to my attention. Wondering if my giving him space to immerse in other activities is support for healthy outlets or am I enabling new addictions. This includes adding more 12 step meetings to his schedule, where he can attend and have wisdom and years of sobriety and doesn't have to face the people at home for whom he is emotionally unavailable. Wondering if I'm supposed to be following Brené Brown's advice to be more vulnerable to build relationships, or if I'm supposed to disregard that in order to detatch.

And it's not just black or white. I feel like in any encounter, I'm going to have some percentage of a healthy person across from me and some percentage of an addict and I never know what those numbers will be or how to engage.

Anyway, that brings us all to this week. In our recent couples counseling session, I tried to explain this. Since then, my SA served me a golden example. One evening this week he did something he was embarrassed by. He was embarassed enough about it without me making a big fuss. I just said tomorrow is a new day and went to bed. The next morning he tried to initiate sex with me. I don't know if this is a healthy connecting experience from someone who is looking for security from their partner, or if this is the addict using sex to mask the shame for him. I declined.

Not really looking for an assessment of my particular situation, but would love to hear if other partners deal with similar confusion.

so before discovering my bfs PA, we tried to do OF for a little bit to make some extra money… during this we made a ton of videos and did some nude photoshoots of me for my profile. he has all of this content on his phone, and i considered deleting it but i figured if he’s going to relapse it’ll be easier to look at that content than to jump through hoops to find actual porn, so id rather him relapse to me than anyone else. but i find that he’s watching it or looking at it in private and not telling me about it, which is the same pattern of behavior he had with porn.

scientifically speaking looking at pictures of your SO releases oxytocin and creates a feeling of bonding and love, while porn pretty much only releases dopamine and acute amounts of oxytocin which are eventually over-rided by the dopamine.

he’s not masturbating to it, he says he’s just edging or admiring my beauty when i’ve said something about it. which i find sweet, but the concern is that it’s the same pattern of behavior he had with porn….so i don’t really know how to feel…should i just be grateful it’s not other girls?

I am a PA. I realized this after years of my wife telling me that. May sound stupid to realize so late, but I have been treating it for over a year.

I am lucky to still have her by my side. And I hope to not lose her. And trying to make every effort towards it.

Any advice on how to support her? Reading some of the contents here, it's clear that stopping porn is not enough when she is so hurt. Ideas to help her heal would benefit us a lot, probably more than the discussion "I stopped porn, see me. I am doing stuff, see me".

Also, the general support her idea, I get. The difficult part for me are the details. Understanding she is hurt will be done, but what other things would you like? Couple examples would be:

• A hug while talking?
• A kiss? Where would not be uncomfortable in that sensitive situation?
• What would not be appropriate to mention? Obviously sex, but what else?

Another use case... I see her crying:

• What should I say?
• Do I keep distance or approach?
• Topics I should avoid? Topics to focus?
• Should I bring something? A cookie? Would that help if it were you?

Last example, that we all know:

• Should I bring her flowers? That's very cliché, so I would like some suggestions for different approaches that partners would like.

I hear her asking for support. Trying to gather little ideas to make her more comfortable and happy (or less sad, at least?). Btw, I will gather everything and do it all. A single kiss or hug is never enough, that's not obvious for many PAs. But I believe stacking many things on top of each other has more effect, while creating more empathy and helping learn how to give more breathing room to talk, to heal, to support.

Thanks in advance for any tips.

I have stopped porn and focused on doing it right, cleaning the house, taking care of our dog and solving all our household problems/tasks, while trying to give her as much love as I can. But the focus has been wrong. I should also help her heal and not ask her to see I am doing it right.

H in good recovery but I can't get past that he watched that filth. Abusive, violent, demeaning porn...how do you get over that? How do you get over 20 years of him getting sexual pleasure from watching women and teenagers get raped, degraded, humiliated? What kind of person must you be to want that? Yet, that's the kind of person that 90% of men are? This is a crappy world.

Looking for advice here: For those of you who’ve decided to stay, made your peace that your partner is not getting help/doesn’t want to get help and won’t ever change.

How do you “turn it off” for yourself? How did you make peace with living in this broken state?

I caught him one month back for the first time in our 3 years of relationship. He had been an addict the entire time, I never knew. At this point, I wouldn't have minded if it was just porn. There were a lot of unspeakable things. Sexting with guys about cuckold fantasy, talking vile things about OF girls and models, he even got black mailed at some point. I was shook. We had a long conversation about everything. He seemed to understand the gravity of the situation.

Within two weeks he relapsed. I caught him two days ago. This time, things were much worse. He had several other accounts that he did not mention earlier. He had email IDs that I never even heard of. This was a brand new guy standing in front of me. Again, he is apologetic. Promises and shit.

I know what I am supposed to do. But I cant. Deep inside, I hope for him to change and be the person I first fell in love with. But i know that person doesnt exist. He never existed. It was all lies.

Last night we were chilling in bed together and I showed him this new feature in Instagram dms where if you have reels sent to each other and scroll within them there will be a button where you can automatically send them to the chat you’re in. He was trying to see if this function worked on his Instagram and had his phone out in front of me to see. The first reel he scrolled..? A girl showing/shaking her ass. He scrolled past this very quickly but I saw what I saw. He didn’t say anything but my heart sunk into my stomach when I saw that.

A few minutes later we are going to bed and I am withholding my end of physical affection because I am honestly just in shock from what I witnessed. I also became very silent and he said “I feel like you’re mad about the reel. I haven’t been on Instagram in like a week, it was nothing but random” I just stayed silent because I don’t even know how to respond to that. I did say that I did not want to talk about it. Because what the hell, I know how algorithms work. That was not random. It’s so obvious and you got caught red handed. That, and seeing my so hurt by this, should be enough sign that you need to change your ways.

Hi! First post here although I’ve lurked on this sub for years on a previous account! I saw a post the other day that made me realize that I felt like I was being cheated on when PA partners would use porn. I have been blatantly cheated on multiple times by another ex PA so I never really considered porn use cheating till now. It sparked a bunch of negative feelings towards my current fiancee who has been clean off porn for a while now and in therapy.

Instead of shutting down I’m going to talk to him about it later and see what his response is. He’s been doing soooo well to regain my trust and be a better general person so I feel really bad for feeling like this but I think it would be a good conversation to have. :(

I just hope he doesn’t dismiss that I feel all the porn usage, sexting women, dates were acts of cheating just because nothing was ever physical. Although he’s extremely apologetic for the pain he’s caused and has made changes to his behavior part of me is still scared of a response like that and not sure how I would take it. Fingers crossed. ..

Hello! All of the lies and intuition finally were confirmed. I am a 26F and my husband is a 28M. We have been together 7 years, and married 1 year.

2018 - While we were a year into dating, I cried my heart out telling him I think watching porn in a relationship is cheating. He told me he stopped. He would always confirm that he wasn’t watching it.

2022 - Fast forward to pre-marital counseling 2 years ago, we had to take a test and a section was on porn and he reinforced to my brain and the priest that he doesn’t watch porn (phew).

July 2024 - 1st DDay, I found out this was all a lie. He did the trickle truth with me and drove me insane. I became someone I was not.

-I am a calm quiet loving person and I was breaking things, becoming catatonic and having MAJOR panic attacks where I couldn’t catch my breath.

-He promised he would stop. He went to counseling alone, and with me.

-Because of the lies, I continuously asked him from July to Nov are you still watching it. He said no and would plant evidence to make me think he wasn’t. He even lied to the counselor that he stopped, just like he lied to the priest during pre-marital counseling.

November 2024 - 2nd DDay found out it was all a lie and instead of watching in the bathroom at home, he was watching while driving on his commute to work for 30 mins and would finish in the work bathroom.

-My body has now suffered so much stress I am physically ill and feel like I will get a terrible disease.

-Because of the reinforced lying and I am a pure innocent minded person, the lying and betrayal has wreaked havoc on my mental health.

-I am seeing 2 therapists a week to bring me out of this reality split.

Here is where it really affected me (minus betrayal and lying)

My husband has admitted 4 terrifying things that have ruined my sexuality.

1. He said when we have sex, 50% of the time he is closing his eyes and imagining someone else or a perverse scene.

2. He always liked it when I would suck on his fingers during intercourse. He has admitted he was imagining me doing things to another man’s penis.

3. We used to sleep on the phone together before we were married for comfort. He has admitted he would mute his mic and watch porn while I was sleeping because of the adrenaline rush of me potentially finding out and being on the other end of the phone line.

4. He first told me he never watched it while I was home. Multiple lies and prying later, come to find out everytime he was in the bathroom in the morning or night, he was doing that while I was innocently in bed. I feel extremely naive and taken advantage of.

Now I’m remembering all the times I wasn’t enough for him. Why wouldnt he just leave me and be with one of them? It’s so easy in my head.

These lies and not feeling like a precious flower to your partner have cut my soul and I feel as if my brain is slipping away into another reality.

I feel like I was used as a nasty perverse human in these acts in his head. I am a very pure person who loves Jesus so I feel very unclean myself.

I guess this is just a rant or letting feelings out.

So, I made it clear at the beginning of the relationship that I feel and have felt insecure when guys I’m dating seek outside sexual gratification. My relationship is otherwise healthy, but on my birthday we got super drunk & out of no where he starts going through my phone. I don’t react but when I wake up I’m like, “wait a minute!” so I go onto his phone. Before the privacy police show up, we have Face ID on our phones so they are always accessible to either of us.

Well, to my surprise, I find his IG fyp is full of sexually suggestive women & digging deeper found he interacted with OF women. I confronted him & he shut down & it was almost a break up as I felt insanely insecure (as these women look nothing like me) & I had expressed it’s somewhat of a boundary for me. I also felt betrayed because it’s not like we don’t have sex & we share explicit photos (mainly me). The caveat is we are in a “long” distance relationship (I live in NJ, & he lives in CT.. but, only 1hr 10min apart).

Tonight I come over after time with family & he’s drunk & being all “I missed you yatyat.” Falls asleep. I got a weird itch to check his phone again. Sure enough, links on links clicked to OF, personalized links redirecting to explicit content, & his IG fyp still filled with big curvy women making sexually suggestive content. I’m crushed.

In a way, I’m starting to feel like I need to get over myself. We are in a time where it’s really hard to get away from that type of content. At the same time, I feel insecure & like I’m not satisfying whatever makes him seek outside gratification. I know he’s not spending money on the sites so that’s a small relief. But, I made it clear that it was a personal boundary in a relationship for me.

Am I being too insecure? The relationship is otherwise healthy. We are in the talks of marriage. But, if I were to leave, would I be losing an amazing bf to another guy who would potentially do the same thing?

I just don’t know how I would approach talking about this again given he got so defensive & it nearly made us split? Any opinions would be super helpful, thanks!

(@toocritical55 referred me to post here for help, thank you!)

Does anyone know what photo vault is?

Just found this app on my boyfriends phone for the first time which is password protected.

Does anyone have more information about this?

Hi,

Can people let me know what were the signs that your partner was looking at porn.

For me, my partner stayed up late and get up early. He would go out to the shops at lunch and then always had to go again when I was putting our child to sleep. I don't know what he was doing but I now I know about his porn use assume it was related to it. He always had reasons why he couldn't join us on a family holiday. After I left the house for work he would go straight away go to his car and then go to the bathroom. I am wondering what was happing there. Now I think he may have had a second phone with OF etc on it.

He took a long time in the toilet, was always groping me. Made sexual jokes. Is immature.

Prolonged ejaculation problems.

What are signs that you have noticed?

I’ve been w my bf for about three years. early on he told me he previously had a porn addiction but he went to therapy and it wasn’t really an issue. i believed him. he totally love bombed me in the beginning, which i also believed. i thought we really had some special connection bc i don’t usually feel connected to ppl so quickly. i reciprocated his overly affectionate actions. i now feel super embarrassed by that and wish i kept my guard up.

so a few months into our relationship (after he’d been telling me that he was in love with me and felt really happy w me) he told me that he spoke to his ex and now he was unsure if he loved me.

for context at the time we’d both recently left serious relationships so i kind of understood where he was coming from. it’s weird to be with someone new after really being w one person for so long. of course it still hurt me.

the next three years have been a rollercoaster. he would act like he was deeply in love with me but then reject me, when we did have sex i thought it was really great. he was super attentive, made it seem like he really wanted me. and i really wanted him. i never felt like an object to him which is super ironic now.

apart from sexually he started just becoming distant to me every few weeks, but would always come back like nothing happened. eventually he told me things like he wasn’t that deeply in love with me, and he was happier when he was with his ex and he was thinking about porn. he felt bad saying these things but said it was the truth and wanted me to know.

his ex basically “fixed” him. she’s the first person he told abt his addiction, she made him go to therapy, made him stop watching porn and made him stop masturbating. he respected what she wanted and listened. for a while she would jerk him off just to make sure he didn’t do it himself…

but she wasn’t that into him and treated him like an option, called him stupid often, and judged him for his addiction. he’s later claimed mommy issues, w/e. but he always said their connection was better than ours. and here the most devastating bit, maybe 6 months ago he told me, sex with me doesn’t always feel like love but it did with her every time. he said sex with me resembled porn so it felt weird. and that he didn’t really do anything other than just regular sex w his ex, we have done some non regular stuff i guess but nothing crazy.

i’ve been trying so hard to not have my self esteem completely depleted by the addiction alone. but that has really messed me up. he went to therapy for about 9 months and he hasn’t watched porn in the last year, he tells me he loves me and sees a future with me, married with kids. but at the same time says he’s unsure and is just thinking about what it would be like to be with other girls. he said he doesn’t think about his ex much anymore.

i don’t know what to believe with him. all my memories where i thought we were meant to be together feel fake. i feel absolutely crushed but i still feel so attached to him. i ask for security from him and he can’t really give me anything concrete. he won’t reciprocate my affection and claims too much affection from me is the problem also.

we’re both pretty anxious people and there is a lot of nuance to this that i’m leaving out but still. anyway he’s so sweet, really attentive, really similar to me, and does at times make me really happy so i feel so so conflicted.

not to mention the conflicting feelings of being with someone whose hurt me. i have a hard hard time forgiving and letting things go.

i just don’t know what to do and i feel like i’m going crazy trying to get some security from him.

Hi. Me and my bf of 2 years had problems with ig soft prn accounts. I had been trying to let him know the extent of the pain it causes me. Yesterday it all blew up. I found some msgs of him and his friend saying nasty things about going to strip clubs and seeing women. I found he kept following girls private accounts after I had told him it hurt me and he "wouldnt do it anymore". Yesterday we almost broke up, but je admitted finally he had an addiction, that he just realized how much he was consuming. He told me he wanted to change, and he would keep distance from those apps (he still has them downloaded". This addiction and everything about it it's new to me, I believe he wants to do better. But I'm scared and afraid that it will happen again. It's like knowing you are gonna get hurt but you never know when, it's terrifying. I want to feel reassurance that we IS getting better, that he is actively trying to get better. But I have no idea what can be done with this addiction, the levels of it and what steps he has to do. I want to ask him to do something to keep checking he is actually better, bc I cant trust his word anymore.