This will be very hard for me but I hope to help someone in the same situation. I lost 2 great men in my life due to suicide. They were both very proud and would never ask for help. On January 21, 2011 my uncle went out to his garage, started his snow blower up, took a hose and hooked it to the exhaust and ran it through the window of his truck where he got in and shut the door and had the windows up. There is where he fell asleep for the last time. My uncle was the happiest man I knew. He was always smiling and never showed any signs of depression. We will never know what was going on in his mind that night. I got the call at 5:30 am the next morning that he was gone. I couldn’t grasp the reality that was being told to me. I wouldn’t listen. It was like my whole world was flipped. I lost it. For the next week I stayed with my dad and helped with the arrangements. I felt so numb. The whole reality didn’t hit me fully until hit me until I was standing at his funeral and I saw my Mammaw and Pappaw (his parents) completely heartbroken and unable to compose themselves. At that point I lost it. This is real. This is forever. At the time of my uncles passing I had just started dating My husband. We had only met 4 weeks prior. And when we met it was instant love at first site. We never left each other’s sides. He helped me go through all the steps of grief. He was so supportive and caring. We fell madly in love in a short time. I had never felt the type of love that he showed me. I had already been married twice so I told him it would take a lot if I was to ever remarry. But I’m July 2012 he proposed. And I said yes. We planned and had our wedding on March 9, 2013. Our lives were going so smoothly. We didn’t fight. We weren’t poor. Our house was paid for and our vehicles were paid for. Now My husband was an alcoholic. He did drink beer everyday. But he didn’t drink to be drunk and I only seen him in the “feeling good” state a handful of times up until now. On November 25, 2013 i came home from work and was going to hang out with him when he decided he wanted to horse play. I was tired and didn’t want to play. But he was on the floor and pulled me down on top of him. We busted out laughing. I got up off him and sat down. He tried to get up but said his leg felt funny. I pulled his pants up and his leg looked funny. I knew it was broke. I helped him to the car and we went to the hospital where they confirmed it. His tibia was broke in 2 places and he would need surgery. His surgery was on December 2, 2013. They put a plate and 11 screws in. They gave him strong pain killers. When he ran out he was still in severe pain. So he asked me to get him vodka. That seemed to help a lot. Then I noticed he was drinking more and more. He was up to a half gallon of vodka a day and 30 pack of beer. 6 months he was able to walk without cast. 3 days after he got the cast off he fell outside our house while painting the outside and broke his leg in the same spot again. So his drinking continued. That went on without problems for a few years. He would have days he was so drunk he couldn’t talk. But in 2016 things got bad. I had to have emergency surgery to remove my appendix. I was off work for 8 weeks total. He was stressed and so wasn’t I. He would start fights with me when he was drunk. It wasn’t long it turned violent quick. He would leave bruises all over me. The next day he would wake up and see them and ask where they came from. When I would tell him he did it. He had no idea. I asked him to cut down on the liquor. I didn’t care about the beer but the liquor was making him mean and apparently black out. He said he would. But he never did. On June 18, 2017 Father’s Day I told him I couldn’t handle the situation anymore if he didn’t cut the liquor out. I was giving him until Friday to make the change. On June 23, 2017 I told him I think it will be best if I went to my moms for the weekend. And give him the chance to get rid of the remaining liquor. He wasn’t sober so he thought I meant I was leaving him. I reassured him over and over that’s not the case. I just wanted him to see what it would be like without me and to get rid of the liquor. We talked on phone Friday night. Saturday we talked and talked. Things seemed like they were going good. Until June 25, 2017 when he text me and told me he needed me there to communicate with him. I told him no he needed this time to think about our family. And what he would be losing just because he didn’t want to stop the liquor. We text back and forth all day. Now I’m these texts I was telling him how much I loved him and didn’t want a bottle to come between us. He sent me this one text and said he didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. And he needed me. But not one time threaten harm to himself. He tried very hard for me to come home and talk to him but I stood my ground. Then an hour went by and he hadn’t text me. And hadn’t answered my texts. So I drove to our house. When I pulled in first thing I see is our inside cat was outside. She was never allowed outside. Then I went to unlock the screen door but it was unlocked. Then I tried to unlock the main door but again it was unlocked. All things that were so unlike him. When I stepped in the house was dark. When he was home he had every light on no matter what and music playing and tv on. But this day no lights, no music, no tv. I called out no answer. I walked towards the couch thinking he was napping. I got closer and that’s when I found him he was laying on the ground on his right side. He looked like he had rolled off into the floor and was sleeping. I called his name again and took a step closer that’s when it hit me. The smell of copper. And I was close enough that I could make out his face. Well what was left. I started screaming and ran outside where I called 911. I had to be taken to the hospital and drugged to calm down. The following day my mom told me what had happened. He had taken his own life with a shotgun with buck shot. A strong ammunition. I blamed myself. I asked myself why over and over. All these scenarios were running non stop through my mind. I still have no answers. I have no idea what made him do it. Since that day I have not been me. I not only lost my best friend, my other half, my soul mate, my partner and my husband. I lost myself. I lost my kids. I lost my life that day. I became unable to care for myself let alone my kids. So they moved to my moms. I started having vivid nightmares. During the day there were flashbacks or day terrors. I became unable to go out in public I felt like everyone was looking at me and talking about me. Paranoia took over my mind with thoughts that everyone thought I did it or pushed him to do it. That has been over 4 years ago now. And I would like to say things are getting better. And some days they are. But then there’s days I am unable to get out of bed I’m so depressed. I am with someone that understands and supports me I’m my healing. And he listens if I have a mood where I want to remember him. I have videos of him playing guitar and I watch them when I’m feeling bad. I have triggers that make the nightmares and day terrors worse. I have been put on medication and therapy. But so far they only help for a week and then it’s like I’m eating candy. I’m trying to heal and I am not sure if I will ever be able to function fully by myself. I feel I’m a burden to my mom, my kids and my boyfriend. Because without them I would not have food or shower or stay awake all day.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and pulled through? The images of that day in my head. They are there all the time!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

if i could tell him anything right now, i would tell him that i love him, that i’ve always loved him, and that i’ve always been waiting for him to come back to our state to try to get back together because i love him and i always regretted breaking up with him. i would tell him that he’s so important to me, and that i’ve always wanted him to be happy and healthy whether i was with him or not. i’d tell him i’ve always cared so much about him and always wanted to protect him. i’d tell him i’m sorry i failed to protect you and keep you safe.

my wife of 30 years died a month ago of liver cancer, loved by everyone,but im finding it hard to think of the good times, but only the arguments , yet im at a lose theres this hole inside, its just so un fair as it was our time as all bills paid, free to do what we want, then shes gone , and i feel i owe her so much i always tried to please her and now i can't , i wanted to make her happy but feel i have always failed

A couple years ago, I developed a pretty severe panic disorder with some agoraphobic features. It started with some isolated panic attacks and then grew into a full-fledged disorder. It was hard for me to leave my apartment because I lived (and still do to some degree) in fear of getting a panic attack. I do go to therapy and am working through it, but the most helpful person in my life was my great aunt. She lived in the same city as me, and I called her up one day when I felt like I needed help, and from that day on, she was beside me every day for the next 2-3 years. She helped me get to work, she hung out in the neighborhood where I worked in case I didn't feel well, her phone was always on her in case I needed to call. I have a boyfriend who worked late hours, and when things were really bad for me, she stayed over late until he got home. More recently, I had been getting better. She and I worked together to start to wean me off of this level of support, but we did it slowly. I got to the point where I only needed her for a few hours each day. I felt thankful to have her every single day, but I only told her a few times how grateful I was. I wish I had told her every day. Two days ago, she was hit by a car on her way to see me, and she didn't make it. I am not sure if she suffered, but I do think it happened pretty quickly. I am completely beside myself. Not only did I lose someone who did so much for me and who became one of my closest companions, but I also feel responsible for what happened. She was on her way to see me. If she hadn't been, it could have been a normal day. She was an older woman but very strong and in good health. She was not ready to die, and I hate that she had no time to prepare for this. She never thought that would be her final day here. She never got the chance to say and do whatever she would've wanted to say and do had she known her time was coming. She did not deserve this. Though I'm not usually a spiritual person, I hope more than anything that she is in a good place, that she feels my love and gratitude, that she doesn't feel alone or afraid, and that she knows how much she meant to the people who were lucky enough to have her in their lives. I have been crying so much in the last two days, that my eyes are starting to sting. I can't imagine being able to move forward. I think the hardest part for me is knowing that she didn't live her life to the end. I was also hoping that as she grew older, I would beat my condition and be able to take care of her, like she did for me. The way she died feels so premature and unnatural. It feels like she was taken from me and robbed of the remainder of her life.

I'm sorry for the lengthy description, but I wanted to be thorough, so you can understand why this grief is particularly complicated and challenging. Does anyone have tips for how to grieve in a healthy way? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I know the pain might live on in me forever, but I hope time will heal a bit and I hope there are ways to manage these feelings as I eventually move forward.

Thanks.

My dad died today after a long illness. It's a relief, but still, it's weird that he's gone. We weren't even that close. Can't sleep, I guess I just needed to tell the internet.