Hello everyone, I hope all is well. I recently started a relationship with someone who has FASD, and I have noticed some challenges. Despite this, I think he is an incredible person, but there are times when he snaps or vanishes without warning. I have researched and read testimonies to better understand FASD and how it affects individuals. I want to help and be there for him, but I am looking for advice on how to navigate this relationship.

Hi, I've known for a couple of years that my sister has fasd. No one has told her and she struggles with school and friends. Our mother drank in the first trimester and went to rehab after she decided to keep my sister. She is scared of the shame that comes with admitting to her past alcohol abuse and of emotionally harming my sister by getting a diagnosis. We're instead seeking a diagnosis of ADHD since she has symptoms associated with it. Now the question: will my sister be able to get the appropriate help with just an ADHD diagnosis?

I understand the huge amount of guilt my mother feels but I don't want my sister to go through life thinking her problems are her fault and not getting the right care or understanding herself. I'm really conflicted. Puberty has made things definetly more difficult. What should I do? Try to convince my mother to get the right diagnosis or see what happens?

UPDATE: we got the referral for a neurpsych test. His baby pictures do indicate the common facial characteristics associated with FASD. I also connected with FASD united who was able to give Mr some amazing resources in our area as well as making me feel validated and preparing me so I can be the best support person I can be as we navigate this. ♡

This is long, but there's a lot and there's really no resources that I can find currently and I am desperate for help and guidance.

I have been with my partner since September of 2022. We got pregnant with our daughter pretty much right after meeting (miracle tbh, I was told I could never have kids and was on the pill) and we moved in together as his living situation at the time was beyond abusive. Pretty early on, I noticed that my boyfriend thinks and operates in a way that is just different. After my daughter was born, his mother came up to stay with us for a bit, and they reconnected after having spent years not really talking or interacting. His mother informed me that when she had been pregnant with him, she had been drinking. She was not aware that she was pregnant until she was 5 months along, but whether or not she did is neither here nor there to me. It didn't really click at that moment when she told me, let's blame it on postpartum brain and not being able to process everything at once, but recently, it has.

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My partner is in his 30s. One of our biggest issues we've had since getting together is that he cannot for the life of him seem to notice when things need done. I.E. dishes in the sink, I should wash them. There are no clean towels, let's do laundry. So on and so forth. This man has straight up walked through trash that was strewn across the floor by our dog and did not notice it. It was and is a pretty huge sticking point in our relationship because not only am I the default parent to our daughter and his two kids when they are around, but I also am having to constantly "nag" him to do things, and it was exhausting. He has poor money skills, is unable to do basic things like make doctor's appointments, follow up on health insurance inquirings, file taxes without extenious nagging or me just sitting down and helping him. I work with individuals with disabilities and mental health disorders finding them community employment and previously was a dSP -- but FASD isn't a common one I've seen so I had no real hands on experience with it. I thought maybe he was on the spectrum for autism and sometimes I still think he could be. However, I randomly one night remember his mom telling me about drinking while pregnant and I did a deep dive into FASD and honestly, he checks pretty much every box. Even to the facial differences that those with FASD can have. I read off the symptoms to him one day and he quietly said "I feel like you're going to scroll down and see a picture of me."

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I finally feel like I'm on the right track and I've been trying to research as much as I can so that I can be a better support system to my partner. I realize now that my expectations for his role in our partnership will never be met at 100% and I think knowing that is honestly a relief because I no longer feel like I'm begging him to care, and a part of me feels guilty because I feel like he's been trapped inside himself unable to explain to me that it's not that he doesn't care: he just doesn't know how to do certain things. I know that there is no cure or medication that will make FASD itself better, and having to explain that to him broke my heart; I know we can treat the symptoms like depression and anxiety. But I am genuinely worried for his future if something were to happen to me. I am genuinely worried for our daughter's future and his other two kids if something were to happen to their mom and then me.

He cannot remember to pay bills, he cannot remember to make doctor's appointments. He had health insurance since 2019 and we just learned about it this past week because he didn't know who to call or how to follow up on anything. He lost his license because he drove without insurance thinking it was being taken care of, I don't know how or why he just thought it was. If I were to die tomorrow, I genuinely do not know what he would do without me. He does care for our daughter during the day while i'm at work and he does a wonderful job most days, but now that she's getting older I'm having to remind him that he needs to feed her meals each day, I'm having to remind him to get off his phone and watch her with the fan and the cords and so much more. I'm starting to become concerned as to her safety and his ability to manage stress like it. With his other two kids he said that he wasn't allowed to do much of anything with them. Their mom did everything, so my daughter is almost like his first experience at really hands on caring for a child. With his other two kids he'll play and stuff but I've had to be responsible for baths and meal times because he just isn't aware of things like that. He does have a job and is a GREAT employee, he's actually a manager at his job but he did have a bout of time where he was really underperforming and struggling to meet their performance demands but he never calls off. For real, this man would work dead on his feet before he called off. He has since turned it around performance wise. The thing that confuses me is that he is expected to notice things as minute as a speck of dirt left in a sink, and he DOES but doesn't see it at home. We are trying to trouble shoot solutions because I believe the social expectation of work and their use of end of night task lists helps him remember what to look for. But I digress.

So, here's what I'm trying to find out. I want to know if he was diagnosed as a child because it opens up so much more possibilities for him in our state. The board of DDs only takes cases that were diagnosed before 21. I don't know if it will also cover things that would have had to OCCUR before 21 and were just missed or not. But his mom doesn't recall much from that time period, and my boyfriend can recall basically nothing. His father was incredibly abusive and his mother got a lot of it too but my boyfriend really really was the emotional, mental and physical punching bag, so I understand that a lot of it is probably blocked out but if he does have FASD then that could also add to it. I have no idea, if there are any records of him being diagnosed with FASD as a newborn / child. I do know he had an IEP in school, but neither him nor his mother can remember the details or what it was for. If we can't find old medical records and anyone tell me what the process is like for an adult to get tested for it, is there a specific test or a chain of referals for it? Though I have a very strong feeling that he does have it, I don't want to misdiagnose or approach it incorrectly, I feel like it would help me help him more if we had a better understanding of what exactly the areas that he's struggling with so I can help mend how things are done and explained.

I have no interest in leaving him, though it was brought up before I put two and two together. I love him very much, he's a very sweet partner he cares so much for me and our family and he loves with his whole heart. I realize now that the way I was wanting him to be was an expectation that he was not going to be able to meet with the way I was asking for things. I believe that there is a way to promote some growth and independence in certain areas but first I need to know WHAT and HOW he learns. I am frustrated by the lack of information and viable resources, as I'm sure many are. I am frustrated by the lack support from his parents. I am frustrated that this is something I don't know how to help with immediately.

But mostly, I am frustrated that my boyfriend has been left to just figure things out, and when he couldn't, people have treated him like it's his fault and he has not had the support he needs. I want to find the support, I want to set things up in place so that if I died tomorrow, he is okay.

I asked about some things in here a while ago, and didn't get very many responses, so I'm going to try to be less verbose this time and only ask one thing:

I'm in a college program where we have to do some stuff that's *really* taxing my already screwed ability to reason spatially.

How do I compensate/deal with /work around this so I can pass my classes?

(Keep in mind: complete lack of institutional support, don't suggest it or help from a caregiver cause there ain't one, I'm on my own in that sense).

So, recently, I got the diagnosis of FASD. However, I got the disgnosis on the basis that my mother was on drugs while pregnant. I can find very little information on this, as all that comes up is alcohol. Does anyone have any resources on this?

Hi there. I didn't see a lot of sub reddits for my particular question. So I apologize in advance if this is not the place for this. I'm seeing this girl who has fasd. She appears normal and I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary. She holds a job just fine.

My only concern is her mother. She's 24 and lives at home and literally needs her mother's permission to do anything and everything. See friends, leave the house for any reason. Just wondering if her inability to make decisions for herself a typical symptom of fasd or is her mother the problem. Her mom treats her like a slave. Makes clean the entire house daily, cook for her and rarely let's her out of the house besides going to work. Her mother takes all her money that she works for and collects on disability and is constantly pampering herself.

Thanks in advance.

Hello, I’ll cut to it. I’ve suffered with functioning lcoholism and binge drank close to daily until I found out I was pregnant at 7 weeks. I went cold turkey and at the time, thought it would be okay until I did research during my pregnancy and found out those weeks were crucial. I decided not to terminate as I was told it would be okay and I believed everyone. However due to this I experienced e pre partum depression, suicidal thoughts which carried on after I gave birth. My little girl is now 2 and I am convinced she the features. I have seen a doctor which reffered me to a pediteicuan and genetics and they have told me I am suffering from post partum anxiety. I do not believe it. For the past 2 years, every baby I see I compare and notice the differences. It’s driving me insane.

Development wise, she’s been fast. Crawled at 5 months, first steps at 8 months. She can count 10 and has been able to since 16 months sing along and knows her abcs. However I aware new issues can arise once she’s older. I am currently in therapy and been prescribed meds but these thoughts will not budge. I am also close to a year sober. Is anyone experienced/ have knowledge to evulate features privately?

Thank you in advance.

I'm considering buying delta 8 (which I've never used before). But I have fetal alcohol syndrome.

In addition to fetal alcohol syndrome, I also have generalized anxiety, health anxiety, and tendencies that points to OCD. I'm also a maladaptive daydreamer (an addiction to daydreaming). And I'm also addicted to screen time (being on my phone too much). So I suspect I have an addictive personality.

Is there anyone else here who has fasd and who uses weed or delta 8? What effects and impacts does it have on you? What are your experiences? Do you think you have more of a likelihood to become dependent on weed or delta 8 (which isn't usually addictive to most people) due to your fetal alcohol syndrome?

Hi Im 15. Basically doctors have told my dad that they have suspected I have fasd since I was little. I know my "mum" drank during pregnancy, not as much as usual (she is a severe alcoholic with BPD) but obviously any amount is too much. I am also diagnosed with high functioning autism.

I don't have the facial features, when I look at pictures of little me I believe I had some fasd features but I know its possible to grow out of them. But I have basically been thrown aside by the nhs.i have very bad mental health, Going private is unaffordable, and tbh i am past caring about anything now but im curious, so I also have a few questions about fasd

Why is the life expectancy so low?

Does the amount of alcohol consumed by the mother increase the likelihood ?

What happens when you get diagnosed?

Are there any treatments or anything promising for the future?

Please throw in as much information as possible as I'm curious to learn about it. And of course i don't have a diagnosis only suspicion so im not trying to act as if I do have it. Thank u

Hi everyone,

I was diagnosed when I was 13 years old with FASD by a neuropsychologist and neurologist and since then received accommodations in high school. I remember at that time not fully understanding the diagnosis or what it even meant. I remember going to IEP and 504 plan meetings with the school psych, social worker, guidance counselor, and my family and reviewing the current accommodations that were in place, along with what was or wasn't needed for the next school year. During those meetings the school staff would often discourage me from applying for college and instead, really pushed me to do the trades. I did have a lot of trouble in school especially with more abstract things such as math and science. Fast forward I'm 28 now, doing my PhD in Public Health, have 7 publications with 4 first-authored, and am working full time as an epidemiologist. I've been thinking about getting a second opinion on my original FASD diagnosis and was wondering if that is something that can be reversed? My current PCP and therapist do not think that I exhibit any signs cognitively that point to FASD. I've set up an appt for this coming July to with a neuropsych to see if my old diagnosis is still pertinent.

Long story short, do you think it was possible I was misdiagnosed as a child?

Hi all,

I’m fairly certain my cousin has FASD. My aunt is currently an alcoholic, but she would never admit to it. Ever since I can remember she’s depended on alcohol. I did a presentation on FASD when I was in elementary school many years ago, and it hit me then that my cousin had all of the physical identifying factors, a speech delay, and he was significantly thinner and shorter than his peers. At the time he was probably 5 or 6 when I had the realization. As time went on, he always really struggled in school and in his social life. Obviously I didn’t have any kind of proof that my aunt was drinking during her pregnancy so I kept my thoughts about it to myself as to not offend anyone, but did tell my mom (my aunts sister) about my theory and she absolutely agrees. Recently, we were watching home videos and there is a clip of my aunt on Christmas 6 months pregnant with a glass of wine in her hand. While watching the videos, she had said something along the lines of, “after the first trimester it doesn’t effect the baby because they’re already developed.” This was the confirmation I needed, and ever since I can’t stop thinking about how much she has made my cousins life a living hell because he was so “difficult.”

He very obviously isn’t as mentally developed as other kids his age (he will be 19 this year.) When talking to him, I feel like I’m having a conversation with someone who’s closer to 13. His teachers have always raised concerns about him to my aunt, but she always shrugged off the concerns. He spent a lot of time in the hospital as a kid for stomach issues that ended up being diagnosed as a physical reaction from anxiety. My aunt is also incredibly mean to him and hard on him for not being as successful and as easy of a kid to raise as his older brother. It makes me really sad that she puts him through that when his challenges are most likely a result of her irresponsibility in the first place. I feel like he is owed the truth, and obviously I’m not a doctor so I’m not certain that FASD is even the answer, but in the chance that it is I feel like there could be more support for him so he isn’t made out to feel like such a failure, and I think it’s also important for him to know that it’s not his fault that he faces these struggles.

What do you guys think? Would you want to know that it’s a possibility, or do you think you’d rather not know since you’ve lived most of your life oblivious to it anyways? I also don’t know how I would approach it without his mom intervening like she always does. I don’t want to put more of a strain on their relationship, especially because he’s a codependent.

Hi all. I'm so excited about finding this reddit. I'm a 53 year old woman. I've been diagnosed by a neuropsychologist as having ADHD, cptsd and extremely poor executive functioning. I've known since childhood that my mother had to go into a long term detox and alcohol treatment program when I was 6 months old. I had heard of fetal alcohol syndrome and the facial features infants have with it. I've never heard of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder until a week ago while watching a documentary on Netflix about Cyntoia Brown. Then it dawned on me. Holy crap, everything makes sense now. I'm 99% sure I also have it. It seems like the symptoms mimic ADHD and cptsd. My issue is that neuropsych testing I had says that I have an IQ of 75. I looked it up and read that an IQ of 75 is borderline retarted. I can't get over the shame I feel about that damn number. Everyone I've spoken to says I'm intelligent. I know in my brain that there are many different forms of intelligence but having that number over my head makes me feel sick and embarrassed all the time, like everyone knows or when I do something stupid or I forget something important which I do all the time it really bothers me. I double book myself all the time, I can't keep shit straight. I've lost so much money by buying tickets for a show and buying tickets for a different show on the same night. The one time that comes to mind is when I bought tickets for myself and my daughter to see Rent, my favorite play. I looked at the ticket stub and got it mixed up in my head that it started at 8. It actually started at 6 and the date was the 8th. We showed up 2 hours late to a play that I paid good money to see. You'd think I'd learn my lesson but this shit happens almost weekly. I have calendars all over the place but you have to put things on a calendar and you have to remember to look at the calendar too.

Anyway, has anyone gotten a neuropsych test and if so what is your IQ and how do you feel about it? How do I get over this shame.

I am fostering a teenage girl and she really gives me a run for my empathy and patience. Everyday is harder. I deeply care for her and I know it’s not her fault. However, she is so volatile most days and really doesn’t understand the impact of her consistent words and actions.

I start a training program pertaining to FASD next week and have an education in child and youth care. I have personal experience with a long line of addicts and mental health issues, however I am struggling. I am strong and tolerant but I am human and my mental health is in a rough place.

Any advice on how to REALISTICALLY AND HUMANELY approach the constant backlash, mood-swings, emotional and physical aggression is what I’m looking for.

If you entertain it and reason it escalates, it you ignore and use statements like we can talk when you’ve calmed down and walk away it escalates. How do we keep it from escalating?

I know you guys aren’t medical professionals who know my intimate details, but my child’s father thinks I shouldn’t carry my pregnancy to term because I binge drank at what was likely the following time periods: conception-4 weeks, 10 weeks, and 17 weeks.

I scheduled a scan that’s upcoming to do a detailed look at baby but they basically told me that can’t really diagnose prenatally?

Having a hard time deciding if I should follow my heart or the father’s logic.

I am currently active in AA because I know I have a problem.

I'm a hypochondriac, and FAS is my latest worry. I asked my dad if my mom drank when she was pregnant with me, and he was pretty sure she didn't. I haven't asked my mom yet. Here's why I think I might have it:

I'm 20 and female. I'm caucasian, but I have epicanthal folds and a low nose bridge. I DO have a philtrum and a cupid's bow and my top lip is not significantly thinner than my bottom lip, though I do have naturally thinner lips (which is normal because my parents both have thin lips too). My parents and my brother do not have epicanthal folds. I don't know anyone else in my family with them. Aside from my face, I don't have any other physical abnormalities that I know of. My parents tell me I was very healthy when I was born. I was on the cover of a magazine with my mom when I was a baby, so hopefully that means I looked normal lol.

I did not have any learning disabilities growing up. I learned to read at an early age, was a great verbal communicator, and did well in school (struggled with math though, mainly because I just didn't like it). I do have some sensory sensitivities, but nothing too crazy. I'm kind of a picky eater and don't like certain textures. I don't believe I have a lower than average IQ, and I don't have any attention difficulties or ADHD. I don't have any hearing problems. I do have mild astigmatism, but my dad does also, so it may just be genetic. I do struggle with mental illness, specifically anxiety, but this is most likely not due to FAS and rather genetic and from the way I was raised.

The only reason I suspect FAS is because of my facial features (epicanthal folds, low nose bridge, thin lips, smaller eyes, short nose, and soft jawline). I told my dad about this, and he thinks those features are just genetic and not indicative of FAS. I'm so scared, I really hope I don't have it. What do you guys think? Is it possible to have the FAS facial features and not have FAS?

I’m looking for another birth mother for a bit of a support. I’m sick with grief and I need help before I cause more trauma to my family by failing apart. I binge drank before I knew I was pregnant up until 4w 5d…like a lot of nights. My beautiful girl has a sp delay and behavioral issues to name a few. No provider will take me seriously because it was before the 6 week milestone. Please don’t send me any FASD AA type support links — I have them all. I would like to either email/DM or talk with someone directly that has lived this or is living this and is in my situation too. Kindly asking and thank you.

So me and my sister were adopted as babies thankfully…she however has fasd from her birth mother. Growing up it took me a long time to understand her and how she perceives the world. When we were younger she was raped by a family friend at the time…I knew he was acting weird but was young and stupid so I didn’t say anything (and never saw or noticed anything) , that said I still cary a sense of guilt as I feel I failed to protect her, from him and my abusive father but that’s then. Anyways I’m older now and would like to understand her better now that we’re both adults. I’ve learned allot and have the privilege of working with an adult day service my mother has since started that offers people with disabilities a chance to have a job and learn new skills so I get to interact and have friends who have many different abilities and mental differences ( I’m genuinely trying to word that respectfully) but how can I better talk with her when she’s going through times of anger and trouble expressing herself, or understanding her comforts like talking about zombies and death allot, and both having a relationship with god but also resenting him I just would like to understand clearer…for context she is very high functioning and my mother has worked tirelessly to get her as close to independent as she can be…just would like some guidance or if someone else has fasd who could explain in their words; anything would be appreciated THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME 🙂

https://discord.com/invite/EUYksJJ8 it hadn't been made so I'm wanting developers to help Make it

hey, I’m a 15 yr old who possibly suffers from FASD, I have intrusive thoughts most of the time and i’m very narcissistic person, everyone i’ve tried talking too either laughs at me or ignores me, i’m also very random when i talk to ppl which causes them to not wanna hang out with me anymore, anyways i wanted to know if ppl with FASD can grow muscle working out. i started yesterday and i wanna know cause i saw on google that were known to have muscle weakness and i’m scared i won’t be able to grow a lot of muscle so am i gonna be able to? pls lmk and thanks.

As the title states. Little girl was adopted, been with us since birth we found out recently she most likely had FASD. I listened to some podcast with expert in Canada and many resources there and she mentioned having to send her 13 year to one because of her lashing out tantrums. Just trying to wrapped my head around everything and all the what ifs…any advice appreciated on anything.

Anyone here that's both super religious and also a parent of someone with FASD?

What are the pros and cons? I know it’s not an easy process. I’d love to hear from many others what are the benefits of receiving a diagnosis? What are reasons it might be safer to remain self-diagnosed? Thank you!

He’s 43. I’m 28. Both male. I noticed since I’ve knows him he has outbursts, anger issues, he seems to have some memory problems and just a lot of mental health issues that ends up getting taken out on me. His mother is a heavy drinker. She drank when she was pregnant and she also has a lot of mental health stuff going on. He’s never been diagnosed with anything but bipolar disorder, but I was looking at his baby pictures and they look a lot like the reference pics of babies with Fetal alcohol syndrome..small eyes, low set nose, small head..can he have fetal alcohol syndrome but look like a “regular” person now? Like those physical features are not very present anymore..it’s all just the mental stuff I notice about him..if he probably does deal with this then that would explain his erratic behaviors and things like that..

My 8 year old FASD son hates school. He thinks it is boring. He wants to fight other kids because it gets his mind off of how boring school is. He hates math especially. He gets irritated very easily and explodes into tantrums often. He has an iep that gives him breaks regularly at school.

What is it like for a FASD brain to go to school? What is life like in general? I want to learn more so I can know how to support my son be tter. Pls help me understand. Thank you!

I don’t really know what to say here, besides I can’t afford to live on disability and I am falling into deep depression. I feel like one side of me is a damaged person that can’t complete basic tasks in a day (like getting out of bed and showering) but I also feel like I’m just being an entitled little prick. I cry myself to sleep most nights because I. Am scared. I’m scared of the commitment that work is, having a schedule to keep, being on time and just functioning normally I’m stuck right now and I feel helpless

I never really knew what FASD is, until I got pregnant and read about it. The more I read about it, the more I think that my older brother (who’s 38) has FASD.

His face looks normal, but there are many other signs. He’s very short, even though no one in my family is. He’s about 5’5 or 5’6, while all men in my family are over 6 feet (I’m 5’7). The biggest indicator is the psychological part though. He was pretty normal as a young child (besides being slightly more misbehaved than other kids, being a bit hyperactive and getting into trouble frequently), but he has completely changed ever since becoming a teenager (so 20+ years ago).

He has never been able to have a romantic relationship or a job for longer than a few months. He had terrible grades, didn’t finish school, and he lied about it for months. He has been through countless jobs, in different field, only to end up quitting or getting fired every single time. He’s bad with money, and doesn’t understand consequences. He often seems withdrawn, found solace in video games, and gets angry when you try to have a conversation.

My mother got pregnant with him at 21 while in college, he was not planned, so my guess is that she probably didn’t know for a while, and kept drinking (she was a pretty big drinker in college).

I’m not sure if it’s allowed to ask here if my guess that he might have FASD is correct, since you guys aren’t doctors. But if he does have it - Is there anything I can do? I love my brother, even though our relationship hasn’t been great for years. I would love to help make his life better and get him the right help, I just don’t know how.

Thank you.

I was contacted by a cousin who has been rejected by family due to drugs. I know she was adopted from Russia as a little girl. I just discovered she has FASD. She has disclosed she is legal trouble for possession of meth. She said she was holding for her boyfriend. I’m hearing some pretty awful stuff about her situation. My question is what resources available for me to be in a position to advocate for her health and recovery. She’s an adult and officially homeless about 8 hours from me, so advocacy will be remote. I do have her court docs and contact info for what she’s required to do and who her contacts are. Right now, I don’t want to make things worse by charging in, but want to see she gets proper services to address her needs. Any guidance (and prayers) are appreciated

Hi, question for all of you, you guys have helped me out before. I’ve shared that he’s not gotten a job AT ALL since 2 years ago. He is my stepson and my husband constantly gives him money for gas, fast Food, presents for his girlfriend, his oil getting changed. It literally never ends. He’s going to a community college (he just started) for welding. All he does is go to school for about 5 hours a day. Comes home, makes food and goes upstairs in his room, door closed and watches YouTube for about 4 hours, works out and then gets home late, like midnight and then does the whole thing g over the next day. Weekends he sleeps in until 11:00, and repeat, food, you tube, gym. The last job he had he got fired from it. So, as a parent naturally I feel natural consequences should occur but my husband never let it get that far. We have been telling him he needs a job for over a year and still he has made 0 effort. Just says things like ,I am looking for a job. He refuses to try at fast food…says he’s not good at that type of thing. This young man has literally 0 drive to get a job. Why should he at this rate? His needs are all met? His car is paid off (by us), he has a cell Phone, 2 tv’s in his room. Doesn’t need money at all gas. Has full coverage car insurance. Am I the jerk bc every fiber in my being says we are doing g a disservice to him by supplying him w everything he needs? My husband and I bicker about it all the time. This morning he gave him money so he could go to Walmart and get her a card and flowers for gf birthday……am I wrong? How do we navigate this?

Back in 2014, my sister and niece ended up accidentally telling my 21 yr old self about my FAS. We were talking about family, my deceased father, my mom & they assumed my mom had already told me and brought this up at thanksgiving dinner, imagine their surprise to find I had absolutely no clue what FAS was let alone that I had it. My niece felt awful, but I spent the next 2 months gathering any and all info I could & then confronted my mother in January about this. Keep in mind EVERYONE on both sides of my family knew about this, a family friend who was like a father figure & his family knew, my ex bf at the time knew & I remember him trying to tell me something a few years prior. Everyone knew, except me. So confronting my mother, she tries to convince me everyone’s lying to me, that I’m crazy and that there’s NO WAY I could be diagnosed with this and her not know. It answered a lot of questions I had about myself since I have the facial features, my thought process being slower than most, my physical deformities from it and the pain I endure because of it. Finding this out and my mother never owning up to her mistake put a wedge in our relationship. Fast forward 5 years to 2019, my aunt comes to town and I start telling her about things of my life she’s missed, and my mother gives me a look to not mention my FAS. I leave it alone for the time being but once my aunt was gone I go back and talk to mom about why she didn’t want it discussed we get into it, and she tells me if it hadn’t been for “whoever told me” (I never revealed who it was) she never planned on telling me & was gonna take it to her grave and has always been convinced that I only have FAE & not FAS, that I “outgrew” my diagnosis. This resulted in me not speaking to her for 6 months. After that our relationship took on a whole new strain and we agreed to never speak of my FAS together again. Fast forward to the present day I’m 31 now, she has since passed on 14 months ago, less than a month after my daughter was born. And I can honestly say, I will always feel some way about the whole thing. I think I’ll always be angry at her in some fashion. It’s one thing to pass on a disability from drinking, it’s a whole other low to consciously choose to keep it a secret.

How would y’all feel?