And I am nowhere as honest in real life as I am on the internet.

... and please, for the love of god, abstain from using the word "hobbies".

This is the void I will throw my words into as I go along.

I'm now over a decade in total into M.E., 9 years consistently. Around half of that, including the last 3 years have been bed-bound. I've got nothing to give to my many passions in life currently, so I will write. Little bits.

I've been descending and descending and descending. With guidance I'm discovering meaning, insight and wisdom in the darkness. My path and my decent is personal to me but details aside, it's all just very human. It's the human experience.

What is the meaning of life? To enjoy the passage of time. How do you do this? Is doing hard things enjoying the passage of time or should you strive to do easy dopamine releasing activities like hunting girls, having sex, playing computer games, eating, walking? Is a life with an easy job such as delivering mail or selling coffee better than a hard one like being a doctor, a lawyer or an engineer? People say that you should do what you love, but how do you know what you love? Why do you start to love things? Is it because you are good at them or because you have something in you that just decides what you love? Doesn´t this really come down to if a person feels like they need to prove themselves? A person who feels like they have no self-worth needs to do hard things to prove to others (but mostly to themselves): “see what hard things I have accomplished, I am capable”. While people who have settled in quite easy jobs feel self-worth? No, that´s not it. They probably just grew up hating school and decided that they couldn´t do it. That is pursue an academic career. But why would one want that? Because society tells you to want it. It is status. But should you follow status? Wouldn´t that be a life where you live more for others then yourself?

So far in life I´ve found careers that I dislike and those that I dislike even more. Why do I dislike them? They are simple not fun? But should work be fun? I think it should. Work takes up most of your waking hours. But most people just work so that they can earn money so that they can continue on living that is to work even more. There must be something out there that I would like doing. Maybe I just don´t like the education? But I feel like this can´t be the case. When you are in university you learn about the thing that you are later going to work with. Take medicine for example. If you don´t like it during med school how on earth are you going to like working with it? The only difference is you get paid and you get responsibility. By walking down a path that leads to Rome, the thing you can expect further down the road is more of Rome.

This frustrates me quite a bit. My constant quest for finding the right fit but failing every time. This leads me to think that maybe I should just go back to medical school, why? Because the things separating the different paths I´ve tried is status and money. I´m thinking if I dislike every single road I´ve tried why not just go down the one where I at least get money and status?

You know how space is infinite and that there may be infinite universe each with their respective space being equally or larger infinite I’m no where smart enough to fathom the infinite infinities and feel like I would be happier if my tiny little monkey brain wasn’t cursed to be able to think about how big stuff is this may be just some proof of how little I understand and some smarter person can comprehend and not have a freak out of agoraphobia

hello everyone. i grew up with an adoptive mother with borderline personality disorder. my childhood was filled with verbal aggression, public humiliation, physical aggression, threatening looks (not to mention monster looks). i've lived in fear since birth. two years ago, she told me to "go hang yourself", which unblocked some OCD. my psychologist tells me that my thoughts are the result of the violence I've experienced, which I haven't been able to deal with out of "paralysis".

that's what's happening to me today : i'm obsessing but my brain tells me that it's pointless to do it, that it won't change anything: and at the same time, i want to. i want to do it so badly, to maybe prove to everyone that i'm not the model nice girl i've always been. then i say to myself "but am i doing no harm because i'm afraid of prison or because i really have empathy?" and after that, i say to myself that it's empathy but i'm very angry to have it. i don't understand the laws anymore, i'm angry at the fact that i can't express myself and do harm. it's as if i wanted to do harm even to the stranger. in 21 years it's never happened to me to have this idea. but now it's happening to me. i don't believe in anything or anyone anymore. i don't understand why everyone's practically living as if they're not going to die, and i'm the only one who feels that it's all pointless, because i know i'm going to forget everything (so why bother doing good). and when those close to me say "well, because it's satisfying to do good for others", i ask them "but why? and i’m obsessing over an existential question: why are there so many of us on earth? i'm lost in this ocean of mortal people and i, along with you, find no use in living, in letting others live. why do we have to let others live? what's the act? why is every life important? what stops me from hurting someone? i see the other as an enemy. i'm disgusted that others live with me, because they remind me how insignificant i am in this world. when i see a crowd, i wonder how the people in it do it. and i wonder why we all live with empathy, why have empathy if we're all going to die? why let other people live? i don't feel any sense of justice at all. i don't ever want to meet another human being on earth. i'm so angry with him. i'm 21 and these are the thoughts i have on a daily basis. about death, about existence, about the impression that everyone has a veil and that i'm the only one who doesn't find it normal to pretend. to repress our impulses all the time. nothing holds me down on earth anymore. nothing makes sense i hate it. please help me. i finished my antidepressants (Fluoxetine) two months ago because i had already been taking them for 3 years and they did absolutely NOTHING to change my obsessions. my parents don't want me to change shrinks, and my current shrink says it's just obsessive thoughts but i'm convinced it's OCD. i don't know what medication would make me see the world a little more happily? THANKS. 🧿❤️

I have suffered from dissociation all my life. I only learned about that recently.

When I was young I trusted my parents.

"You can be anything you want to be when you grow up."

But they didn't tell me that it would be beneficial to develop the skills to be that person as I grew up. So I never attempted to develop skills that matched my desires. I had "the rest" of my "life, because" I was "still young".

My view of the world has suffered a similar disjointedness.

Isolated from outside problems, I'd been conditioned to think of everything happening in the world as "not my problem." Like most American's, I'm sure.

​

Here's where I'm going with this:

There's a wall between my feelings and my brain. That wall is made of concrete, but it has windows in it that allow me to see the other side. I'm dying/yearning to knock down this wall so that I can experience life the way it's supposed to be experienced. The way it could be.

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However, confronting those feelings is probably way, way, way too much. I have dreams sometimes where I'm confronted with those feelings, and there are tears in my eyes before I even shoot out of bed.

But I never cry in real life. Only when people die, really. And like, just once.

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I've heard people say that the world would be a better place if either of these things happened:

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1. Everyone actively cared about everyone.
2. Everyone actively cared about themselves.

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But I live in a world where Russia is committing genocide, mass-murder, rape, kidnapping, ecocide, torture, and other war-crimes against a country, and there are plenty of people who are totally chill with this. Who are those people? What do they know? What would they think if it was happening to them? In my country, it's not even on the news. No one talks about it at work. You don't bring it up to your friends.

How can anyone live in this world and not go insane?

I dissociate. But I drink until the window to the other side allows me to walk through for a few minutes. I let the circumstances of the world flood through me. I take it all in. Then I sober up and pretend it doesn't bother me. The concrete wall gets thicker. The window to the other side becomes narrower.

How do we fix this?

Anyone want to read

Kierkegaard's Writings, I, Volume 1: Early Polemical Writings

Just respond to this post and we can set up an zoom schedule.

I don’t know if eating meat is okay, but me being vegan wouldn’t make much of a difference to the universe. I think about the butterfly affect often and how humans are such hypocrites. People shout “pro life” for some beings because of their sentience as their reason, but harm other creatures who are just as sentient. Turning around and contradicting their point. In the end, it’s natural for bloody horrific deaths to occur in the food chain. Nature isn’t always good, and good isn’t always natural, but I just wonder if there’s a point to all of this. I don’t know why hatred would exist if there’s a god that created it. Almost all religions don’t give me a good enough answer, they’re all pathetic. It is hard.

I have recently taken a course on ancient Egyptian civilization called Egypt before and after Pharaohs, and researching about the details of the historical period is an interest of mine (5500-650 BC). However, seeing how the periods follow one another, all for the struggle for power, I cannot help but think what the point of all this is. For ancient Egyptians, it was probably upholding Maat, harmony and order of the cosmos. But what is the overall point of existence? It is all an impermanent struggle. The pyramids that represent solidity, stability and permanence emphasize even more the fleetingness of everything surrounding them. What can we hold on to amidst this fleetingness? Can study of Ancient Egypt fill this void? Even if I study and master knowledge of Ancient Egyptian civilization, my memory will start failing me soon and I will forget some of the things I have learnt. Even if I try to transmit the knowledge, others will only retain it for a finite period of time. I can't help but think everything is empty, impermanent, suffering and meaningless.

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If you are familiar with Schrodinger's cat, you may be aware of this.

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There is a way to summon matter into existence from nothing. It is not practical, safe, or reliable. But there is a way. You must simply construct an unknowable zone.

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What if we did bring forth matter from nothingness, and our minds break at the impossible attempt to reconcile existance with non-existance in order to proccess what we are witnessing? We must not allow our human eyes to see such non-possibilities. We must hide the place where it will become. We create a hollow ball of solid synthetic leapordite. No camera and no microscope can see in. Or out. We must not hear the pop and roar as something both exists and does not exist each on the very border of eachother. We insolate it with glass fibre hundreds of metres thick in all directions, to silence the loudest possible noise. We must not remember it should it be horrible enough to continue to persecute us for the rest of our lives. We must create a system where our children continue on what we have started, and yet not know what the purpose of their task is. We must not allow them to know about it. We control the work of our children, as they construct the machine. We will need it to be in an unknown place, lest it be comprehended, and so we will construct hundreds of duplicates. Now, if someone knew which one was the real one and which were the fakes, including US, then it would not be unknown. We must move the machine periodically. But what if someone keeps track of the correct one? We must create so many that there is no way of keeping track of them all. We must make so many that there is no way of keeping track of The amount of individual things that exist. Creating industrial units of machine prop FASTER than the most knowledgeable person in the world can even fathom the number. We must activate it and deactivate it randomly so that even if someone knew it existed, they would not know if it was on or not. We must create so many false truths and media conspiracies, that no one, including the conspirators, will even know if the machine is real or even possible.

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And at that a b s e n c e of time and a b s e n c e of space, where it will be percieved by no one, that is where the new matter enters the universe. But there is no telling what matter it will be.

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It may be a cool dust of opal, a boiling hot chunk from the heart of a star, a radioactive purple liquid, half of a sandwich and a few fingers slices cleanly like a scperical disection of a clay model, or even a frozen cube of milk. It could be any thing, any state, any temperature, any pressure, any density, any radioactivity, any improbability. But it WILL exist, as it did not an i n s t a n t before.

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There is a way to summon matter into existence from nothing. It is not practical, safe, or reliable. But there is a way. You must simply construct an unknowable zone. However, now that you know about it, you will not be able to construct it.

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I just invented it. And now that I know about it, It will never exist.

Have you ever thought about what it would mean if time was infinite, I have thought about the idea for over a decade and found myself in a rabbit hole of deep existential dread. I will explain to you why I think time is infinite and how that effects you personally.

How could time be endless? ''Matter can not be created, nor destroyed'' a famous quote I'm sure a lot of you have heard before, but what does it mean for matter to be constant, to never truly decay and how does that effect time. Think to a black hole, one of the most powerfully an awe inspiring objects in the universe trapping even light in its strong grasp. It being so powerfully it bends time itself. Matter in large quantities has a clear effect on time, so with matter being a constant to always be there to bend time does that make time also a constant?

So lets say yes, time is a constant there will always be a moment after the next, how would this effect you, well to take you back to the earlier quote matter is also a constant and with you being made up of matter that means the very building blocks of you will always exist somewhere and with the endless flow of time presents the certainty that this matter will take endless shapes and forms spreading to the farthest edges of the universe but with it being endless means it has an infinite amount of time to reform back into you.

So lets say you are now immortal through the endless flow of time, you will die and reawaken endless in many different ways in many different forms, some knowing who you where before and some being something new entirely but what of the ones who are aware of the person before them reawakening endlessly through the never ending tragedy and joy never truly being able to rest, trapped forever in the chaos of time.

This is a deep topic for me and I truly hope time is not endless, for the consequences of infinite time is a real and true existential horror.

If I cannot practically live the life I want, what good is it to be alive?

Heyy,

Recent college grad experiencing burnout and existential sadness here, wondering if the idea of happiness is overrated and fake. I've heard all the therapized material on how "some days are mundane! and others are amazing! and it all evens out to a baseline level of whateverness and that's life!" so spare me. I'm talking about this deep identity to my unhappiness, to where I see happy, attractive, rich people and im like FUCK YOU!!! WE ARE NOT THE SAME AND YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME!!! I feel weird for feeling like this--I'm privileged, I'm attractive and surrounded by attractive happy people, I have the potential to be rich and the opportunities to be happy--its just, not my vibe right now. I learned too many sad things in college and I dont want to be happy when the world is fucked up. I want to do something about it and find people who care about fixing things. I like the idea of accepting perpetual sadness if it means Im doing something purposeful. I want to do real work that progresses society and assists the hypothetical revolution and not continue to slave away at my 9-5 while preparing for grad school just so I can continue to be a cog in my machine with more pay. I don't fucking care about making lots of money or being young and going out and catching a rich man while I'm at it. I care about the fact that the only reason I feel like this is because I am exploited and overworked. I want to keep my anger. I want to use it. and I want to find people that feel the same way. I just don't think anyone actually feels like this thats actually healthy. My therapist recommends antidepressants so I'm gonna try those out and see what happens. I also feel the need to also say that I am so grateful for my opportunities and I am grateful I have more than enough to survive. I just don't want to continue living like this. Anyways, thanks for letting me yell into the void!

Hi you,

Not sure if this is the right group to discuss this but has anyone ever felt that there is some larger purpose, some task of exploration, which relates to finding why we exist, as pending and calling out at each moment but it gets ignored at each moment. This is a mindful ignorance. I sometimes feel a strong pull towards an unknown as if calling me out with full force to pay attention to something inexplicable, to pursue the reasons fo existence, instead of being caught only in daily chores! Anyone in the same boat??

Thanks

TW - Drugs

I (25F) had a pretty bad acid trip the summer after I graduated high school and I almost slipped into the void after realizing that there is literally no point to any life at all. There is no greater purpose, and if there is a purpose greater than yourself there's nothing beyond that, and if there is a purpose beyond that....and so on. There is always an ending to everything. I've even thought about being immortal, like how boring would that be? There's no actual purpose to anything. None of this is to say I'm suicidal by any means. I've flirted with the idea in the past but I have a daughter now and it's not an option; I have to take care of her. Maybe that's the purpose you say. Nay, because her life will also come to an end. It all does. There is absolutely no point to any life whatsoever. I still keep mine because I do care about my family. If it were up to me everyone would die before me so that no one else would have to carry the weight of being the last. Melodramatic, I know.

for the past few months, i haven't been able to go one day without thinking about death. it hurts, it's scary, and it's incredibly taxing on my mental health. but i just can't shake it. all i ever think about is the horrifying truth that is mortality. in my attempts at turning to religion, i only find myself growing further and further from the belief of any afterlife or spirituality. i really hate to say it, but i feel like this is really all there is.