I see so many sad posts in this sub and feel for everyone. Sibling estrangement is so difficult.

I have been estranged with my sibling for some time. I was no contact for about a year and I decided to break the silence in an effort to reconcile and move forward but it did not go as I hoped :(

Normally we would go to my parents place for Christmas Eve for a fish dinner and Christmas Day. We would listen to music, enjoy drinks, play Christmas songs together, Secret Santa with our cousins, etc. Because of this estrangement, we have not attended any major holidays at my parents' place.

I have a wonderful husband and a little one. I would like to start my own traditions with my growing family. What are some new fun traditions you've started to celebrate?

Wishing everyone all the best this Christmas season

I've only posted once before but find great solace in reading others posts. I'm no contact with my sister. I've never spoken it aloud but haven't been in contact for 4 years with one brief interval in that time. I've seen her at funerals. I'll speak but not anything more than this. I'm a Christian and I've had a real hard time believing it was ok to be no contact in God's eyes. It's been made very clear that in this circumstance as long as I'm not holding bitterness and working on my heart it's best for me overall not to be in relationship more that necessary. Well a lot has been happening since this summer starting with my mother's fall this summer. I'm the one local and though I'm in relationship with my mom it's not easy. Honestly it's rather difficult but I feel I'm to be in her life. Anyway my husband has been corresponding with my sister about how to move forward in my mother's care. I was reminded that I'm my mother's daughter and my sisters sister and no my husband. That I need to be present at these discussions moving forward. My therapist and I have been working on the inevitability that I'd need to start speaking with my sister to care for our mother better. So I've been praying about it,. working through my shit and gaining strength. I get so much anxiety about her that it's been really difficult. Even in the challenges I finally went no contact after twice in two years she was so very disrespectful to me that I chose not to accept that in my life again. The first time I wrote her to try to express and resolve our conflict of many years. But alas she never responded and acted "normal" when I saw her after. Anyway she texted me Friday asking 4 me to call her when I had time. My first thought was it was a power dynamic by having me call her instead of her calling me. I felt petty...I waited and prayed about it. I sensed to call her and hear her out being clear I'm willing to communicate about mom, come up with a plan but if she raises our "issue" to not let her gaslight me. Well I put my big girl panties on and called ( I was sooooo nervous, belly in knots,.heart racing and wlquite anxious). I let her speak for over two hours. She was cool but her perspective about some things were not mine. The only time she mentioned our estrangement other than how we.now.need communication to help mom was when she said "if your feelings were hurt or you felt like I disrespected you I'm sorry" well this felt off to me but I held it for another hour and a half while she.vented. I finally said after.2.+ hours ok I have a couple of points before we get off. Earlier I had to ask her to be quiet so I could state a point so I say "I'm cool for us to text and touch base about mom, I'm willing to buy her a ticket to visit (plan is for her to move with my sister to another state) we should ask friends about a good realtor but that I would start my research and I then said "earlier you apologized if my feelings were hurt and if I felt disrespected. I said my feelings were hurt and I didn't feel disrespected I was disrespected. She starts again that she will accept my truth that I felt disrespected but that she wasn't trying to be disrespectful. She says when was I like this. I referenced some stuff from the past but brought up the event from 2 years ago. She's always speaking about how.spiritual she is, how she is psychic/perceptive/highly favored/emotionally sound. For 2 hours she went on and on about mostly my mom how are estrangement is affecting my mom negatively because plays us off each other. So I say "you are to emotionally mature to not no disrespect. It's cool we don't have to talk about it but it was disrespectful. She starts to raise her voice about this incident and then snaps saying my kids told.her.children that they are spoken of in my house and not positively. She brought up something she said i.said.over.l 20 years ago and she's now yelling and really hyped. I said.calmly "are you really yelling like this. I didn't speak against your kids, that's when she brought up the 20 years old incident that I don't remember. It probably happened but I truly don't recall. I hang up. I text her "I'm good to text about Mom's move. God bless". She writes back "you can dish it but can't take it". I sat for over 2 hours and listened. I don't agree with half the shit she says but didn't yell, scream DISREPECT her. I'm sorry I was so pissed. I had to share with others who might understand. I want to help my mom but truly don't want anything to do with her 🥺. How to navigate our mom when it's like this. Thanks

It's been 2.5 years and I walked past my NC sibling today.

It took me a minute for my mind to catch up to my body, I was about to wave.

It hurts, seeing him. A stranger.

I voluntarily went NC to put an end to the campaign of abuse started by his wife and facilitated by him. It was not an easy decision.

Today sent shockwaves through my body, made me question why I am doing all of this. Was it all worth it. He looked miserable and I did not take pride in seeing him like that.

He didn't notice me and I could watch him from afar and saw him as a vulnerable human, he just looked... Sad.

I wished he said hello, I wished that he would change and try and build a relationship with me.

I kept walking.

I went home and cried.

I hate this.

There is no grief like estrangement, nobody prepares you for it and tells you how to process it.

Just venting.

I have one sister, older. We’re both grown now and my parents had a messy divorce in the 90s. We’ve both gone to therapy separately through the years and many years ago we were talking about our experiences in therapy. It wasn’t an in depth conversation but it came up. I suggested she might have talked about me in therapy because we definitely had falling outs through the years. She said, “I have more important things to talk about in therapy.” On a side note, a large part of what I talked about in therapy was how my sister acted toward me, spoke to me, manipulation, etc. how she treated other people, lashing out, no apologies or accountability for the way she acted. I remember feeling relieved that she didn’t talk about me in therapy at the time, but why would she? I didn’t traumatize her. I felt guilty at the time because I was perpetually being blamed by her and my mom for things I didn’t do. Sigh. If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self that I didn’t have to feel bad for being me and guilty for things that I didn’t do.

Why did we fall apart I remember so many memories of us being close Where did it go wrong I have 2 sisters

So my mother in law has stopped contacting us (me and my husband) this summer. We don’t know why. We have not reached out because she has behaved exactly as she has done in the past and my husband (her son) decided that enough was enough and he will not be „parenting“ her anymore. He has set a boundary and told her to voice her opinion face to face or leave it be but to never passive aggressively walk away mumbling as she’s had a habit of doing. Well, she did just that this summer and both of us are unaware of why. We are sure she has „reasons“ but unless she speaks up, we are not going to solve this for her. We do not want to be no contact but will accept it, if she continues.

Now to my problem. As to be expected, she has sent our son a Christmas package with a letter attached. He’s 10 months. So she knows we will read it to him. The letter goes „dear grandson, I am sure you must be crawling by now. Wish I could see that. Miss you very much. Your grandma“

I hate the letter. It’s bullshit. She chose not to be in contact with us. She’s the one who hasn’t seen her only grandson in months. I feel it is very manipulative. It’s not addressed to either of us, just the grandson. She’s the one with a problem but sends a package so that she can blame us, if we do not respond.

What would you do? I know this is not the correct sub, but am I overreacting?

How do you handle Christmas gifts to nieces and nephews when siblings become estranged?

My (30F) husband (35M) cut contact with his sister and her husband (BIL) after years of putting up with toxic narcissistic behavior. The BIL made a horrific comment that there was no coming back from. My husband immediately blocked the BIL and then a day later, his sister, and refuses to engage with them in any way and also refuses to attend any extended family gathering if these two will be there. I totally support my husband in his choice. Things have been so much better and more peaceful this year since the estrangement.

My question is about Christmas gifts for the children. Do we get our nieces and nephews Christmas gifts? If we do, we would mail them, but what? A check? I am leaning toward no gifts because we don’t have a relationship with their parents and trying to go around the parents is weird. But I also feel bad for these kids knowing their parents are selfish narcissistic people (who literally gave their child a “joke” name and laughed about it). In the future, maybe these kids knowing they have an aunt and uncle out there who remember them and thought of them at Christmas might be a good thing? I don’t know.

The what do we do about gifts we anticipate his sister and BIL will give to our children? In the past, “gift giving” has been used as a one-upmanship flex thing in their family. Gifts are not about the recipient, but rather about the gift giver looking good in front of an audience. So we’re expecting them to send some expensive gifts to our children and have them talk it up to others. If they send gifts for our kids, do we keep the gifts? Refuse the gifts? Return the gifts? My hope is that they won’t gift our children anything and we can avoid this, but I don’t think that’s how it will play out this year.

Please share your advice on what to do.

She's 14 now, in her phase of not wanting company from her big sister anymore. I can feel the distance between us grow bigger and bigger. And I'm so scared of it. We used to be the closest. Us against the world. Just like everybody else, they start pulling away out of nowhere. It's a natural part of life, but it's a painful one.

How does everyone deal with kind of pain? Because I can't stop this shitty feeling. I miss her, and she's only going to get farther and farther away from her. I can feel it in my bones. The relationship that was once so close, became so far out of reach. She sees spending time with me as a chore now.

It doesn't help that our mom hates my guts. Talks shit about me all the time to my little sister. Nothing I say will make my sister not believe what she says behind my back. It's like when our mom called me the 'black sheep of the family", I didn't think she was right when she called me that, but deep down I might've believed her words because I was young, and she was the woman who gave birth to me.

So basically, we're dealing with a Nmom, who wants our sibling relationship to end permanently. And my little sister can probably feel my desperation to fix our relationship and that's why she's pushing me away lately.

Reading all the estrangement siblings' stories here made me realize that I don't want that for my sister and I, but I can feel it coming. I don't know what to do about it.

Think about it. It's always placed on us, who were victims of abuse, and how many people told and expected you to be the bigger person to repair the relationship let go and apologise and and never once did your sibling? Funny if you think about it

Hi,

I would like to know how do your parents act with you when you estranged sibling.

My brother lives with them for 2 months now and the discussion about Christmas is coming. He lived far or was in jail for the last 12 years (NC), LC for 10 years before, and now, he's with them, always present.

I used to see my mom every week, with one or some of my kids, and dad every 2 ou 3 weeks. Parents told me they would like me to come with the kids, so brother feels loved, accepted, etc. I asked for time but I still have this bad gut feeling. He didn't change, just sober now, and if in the future I'm more comfortable, it will still be very LC. He's not violent (with us, he has been with others), but is always the victim, lazy, no efforts, cheating at school, the perfect "not a role model" for the kids. I've seen him few times without the kids and I'm annoyed about this "we should develop a relation because it's my brother, so my mom and him would feel good". I don't want to encourage contacts between my kids and him. But, it looks like my parents don't want to come to see us if he's not invited, and I don't want to go cause he's there. Poor brother rejected.

We could discuss of the validity of the reasons, but I feel like even if I had no reason to have LC or NC with him, why can't they just respect my choice? How is it in your families?

A couple memories of my (31F) sister (33F) from when we were grade-school age have stuck with me. One was when we were playing some trivia game and she asked me a question that required knowing the name of the girl in Charlotte’s Web. I hadn’t read it, and she said it was a plant that starts with F. “Flower?” “Fern” spoken with total contempt

Another time was when she was showing me long divsion (I hadn’t learned it yet). She asked me how many times a number went into another number. I didn’t understand what she meant by that and rather than clarify, she just got mad at me for not knowing

There are plenty other examples I can draw from but those are two that really stick with me. I doubt she remembers them but I sure do!

My sister cut us out from her life at few years ago. It stemmed from a point after she met her (possibly) current boyfriend, and she slowly became more secretive at home and irritated when we tried to ask about her life. During the height of COVID and pre-vaccines, she flouted government regulations to be out for long periods of time doing unknown things despite being unemployed. My parents got very worried (they were vulnerable to COVID) and in a fit of anger, threatened to kick her out if she refused to obey rules. She upped and left that night and we never saw her again.

I really resented my parents for how they handled the entire situation, and I still kind of do. If they hadn't been so hot headed, maybe they would still have their daughter with them today.

From here on things get complicated. Soon after she disappeared, her friends reached out to me. Friends that she knew for decades and also cut them out right before she cut my family out. They revealed to us that she had cut out almost everyone in her life, and the ones that still had contact barely knows what she's up to anymore.

One of them worked with her current boyfriend and let me know that he was extremely abusive and a shady person. He works as a life coach and advocate for mental health, and is quite a well known figure locally. When her friend was working for him, he would cuss her out and at times was physical on her. Even now, there are frequent reports from ex staff and participants of his courses mention how predatory and abusive he can be.

I found one of my sister's notebooks, in it contains a written memory of her when she was with him. He yelled at her publicly on a crowded street because she wanted to make a career decision that he did not like. She writes how pressured and humiliated she was. My sister had always been a fiercely independent woman who always lived by her rules. My heart sinks but I don't know how to help her.

Now, many years since going no contact, my sister makes public content about how she endured childhood trauma and neglect from her family. Some things she mentioned did not happen at all, or not entirely truthful. I sit in a room I shared with her, full of her things that I don't know how to throw away. My mum breaks down frequently at the stuff she tells the public about her 'childhood'. I don't know what to feel anymore.

This is super lame compared to others so apologies in advance for that.

So I’ve been almost estranged from my two siblings for many many years. However, we still exchange perfunctory email birthday greetings (one line. No personal info or update. “Happy birthday” “thank you”.. ) and no other forms of communication outside that. Before when I shared some information with our remaining parent that was shared to siblings and that resulted in emails I didn’t want. So parent is now on info diet of nothing. Ok. Weather. I provide weather updates...

Our remaining parent doesn’t respect my wish to never see my siblings again. My last two visits had a sibling turn up when I was there. This was against my express wishes communicated in advance. For context. We all live on different continents. It’s not like people can just accidentally pop round. Anyway. I’ve fixed that by not visiting parent since or making any more plans to visit...

As an aside, I’m treated as I was as a child by all concerned. (I’m actually a rather at least work-wise successful C-level type person.) But I’m clearly not to be trusted with important stuff/information by “family”..

Oh. We share power of attorney for the parent in case she gets dementia or whatever. But in such a situation my opinion won’t count for shit anyway. I’m also ok to be written out of any will although I hoped for any inheritance to pass to my kids as I made huge efforts to keep them close to their grandparents as they grew..

A bit more context. We were raised by a narcissist and pitted against each other well into adulthood. Remaining parent is also happy to use triangulation it seems. Due to a divorce she has extra attention from one sibling and might be content with that. Who knows. No one in this family has ever had an honest or open conversation that I’m aware of. Anyhow. There is no path back as far as I’m concerned.

So what do I do formalize at least the sibling estrangement without making things worse in the long run? Basically I want to stop the dumb birthday emails and be able to visit the parent without others being there.

I suspect parent will live another 10-20 years and I’m just about to start my own retirement and should be chilling..

Thanks for reading this far..

names are changed for privacy reasons

When my (27NB) mom (47F) was 16, she got pregnant and had my half sister, Bridget (31F), who was given up for adoption. After meeting my dad, Mom had me when she was 20, and my little sister, Anna (23F), when she was 24.

Anna and I had no idea that Bridget existed until I was 18 when Bridget reached out to me on social media. Bridget apparently tried to reach out to Mom in years prior, but in not so nice words, Mom told her that she didn't want anything to do with her. When I asked about Bridget, Mom denied that she had any other children and called me crazy, but Bridget and I did 23 and me kits, and she is infact my half-sister.

For the past 9 years, Bridget and I have talked often, shared intimate details about our lives, and have even met in person a few times (we would have met up more but we live on opposite sides of the country). Pretty often Bridget raves about how she was adpoted only months after being given up by our mom, about how her adoptive parents loved and cared for her and about how she had a great childhood (her words not mine). I, on the other hand, told her about how my parents abused Anna and I. I won't go into detail about the abuse on here, but I am a survivor of childhood torture, and I had to raise Anna from an infant, basically on my own.

In our most recent conversation, Bridget admitted to me that she was jellious that Anna and I were raised by our biological parents and how she always felt out of place in her adoptive family. I was honest with her and told her that she was lucky that she was adopted and wasn't raised by our biological mother. She argued with me, saying that I was an asshole and that I would never understand the struggles she had to go through as an adopted child. I told her that she was right, and I would never understand what being adopted is like. However, I pray that she never has to go through the literal torture that I endured during my childhood, and that I would rather have been given up for adoption and raised by a safe and loving family, like her. Bridget is no longer talking to me or Anna. It's been nearly a year.

So, am I the asshole for telling Bridget that she's lucky that she was put up for adoption?

I am estranged from my bio father and as a result estranged from my youngest siblings. It hurts my heart everyday and I think of them often. Their mother (fathers second wife) was abusive to me and my other sibling before they were born, and just straight up tried to get rid of us once she had my younger siblings. I.fought hard for years to stay in their lives and be a good sister. But for my.own wellbeing I had to distance myself from my bio father. My life is so much better since not continuing to have a relationship with our father but the sacrifice of a.relationship with the younger siblings is too much to bear sometimes. This time of year is particularly difficult.

Two years ago, my brother cut off contact with me and my mom, and it’s been a tough pill to swallow. Growing up, we went through a lot together—our parents’ messy divorce, financial struggles, and dealing with my dad’s narcissistic and verbally abusive behavior. My brother and I were like best friends despite sibling arguments, but things started changing when he went to college. He became severely depressed, attempted suicide, and went through cycles of trying medication, getting better, then spiraling again.

After graduating during COVID, he moved to Charlotte with no job lined up and started working at Domino’s. He has always been incredibly hard on himself, calling himself a failure, even though we’ve always supported him and never once said anything like that. We encouraged therapy and medication, but he distrusted therapists and refused to work through his issues.

Two years ago, after a family vacation, he completely shut us out—changing his number, ignoring us, and vanishing from social media. The last time I saw him was last Christmas when my mom and I tried to visit. He opened the door, saw me, slammed it, and went back to bed. It was heartbreaking to see him like that—lifeless and withdrawn.

I miss him so much, but I also resent him for abandoning us. I have always been his biggest supporter, but I feel like he’s never reciprocated. He missed my graduation and hasn’t been there as I’ve gone through dental school. It hurts because I know he’s struggling mentally, but he refuses to take accountability for his actions or seek help.

At this point, I’ve accepted his decision, and therapy has helped me work through some of the guilt and anger. But I can’t stop wondering how he’s doing. I love him, but I also hate the way he’s treated me and my mom. It’s a constant battle between worry and resentment, and I’m not sure how to move forward.

I’ve been estranged from my parents and siblings for several years. With my sister for maybe 8years. I’m estranged because my parents are abusive and manipulative and I feel safer with them not in my life. I’m estranged from my siblings to further disconnect from my parents. When I spoke to my sister my parents came up in conversation often and I felt like I couldn’t get away from them. My therapist recommended the estrangement. But I miss my sister. I’m also very lonely. Should I reconnect or will I get sucked back into issues with my parents? My therapist doesn’t think I should reconnect but what if they’re wrong? I sometimes regret the estrangement but know I can’t undo what I’ve done. Like I should be able to handle the downside of a relationship, right? All relationships have pluses and minuses. Or am I better off without that contact?

I’d ask you what you want for Christmas, mom, except I’m afraid of the answer. I’ve had young children for years, mom. Santa has been visiting for almost a decade. When I was a kid we took turns every year putting an Angel or a Star on top of the tree. Sometimes we were at home Christmas Eve and sometimes we were at Nanny’s. It was always a magical time! I’m so happy to carry it on as an adult for my babies, but you’ve never been here for it. Maybe you’ve visited on Christmas Day once or twice? Up until a few years ago we invited you to spend the night and be here for every bit. You never came. And when I got engaged on Christmas Day, you were happy to celebrate with me until you weren’t. You told me it was time to go. Your son just got off work. Shake a leg and skidaddle. The thing I want you to know is that my family deserves a grandma, but where have you been????

I’m looking for support. I feel like an absolute worm. I can’t leave my sibling behind and I can’t take them along.

My sibling is just on that line where they could live by themselves but are having trouble holding down jobs, in order to do so.

Our relationship is complicated. I am the parentified sibling who raised this sibling and I feel massive guilt for running away from them. Mostly because I fear that they will become homeless, if our DNA Donors kick them out.

Our DNA Donors have convinced my sibling that something terrible will happen if they get a diagnosis. I suspect AuDHD.

I don’t think Adult Protective Services will help because my sibling looks normal and doesn’t have a diagnosis. That lack of diagnosis means that my sibling doesn’t qualify for disability.

I have offered to pay to have them tested but they refused.

My sibling’s plan in case of failure is to come live the rest of their life, with me, forever taking care of them-instead of having my own life.

I am not willing to do that.

I feel awful admitting this but I don’t much like my sibling.

It’s hard to remember the last time I had a positive interaction with my sibling. I can’t tell my sibling anything because they will tell the estranged family members.

Shortly after I had been helping them get through their last semester of their associate degree, I became extremely ill and asked if they could pick up groceries for me, with my money, and they laughed at me and told me that wasn’t part of their duty as a sibling. They have to drive by my house in order to go to and from the store, and they were already going anyways.

Previous to those incidents they would make regular 2-3am phone calls to me, so that I could play therapist when I needed to go to work in the morning. I was working 60-80 hour weeks at the time. My sibling was aware of this but I question their ability to understand how they effect other people. When they stopped needing something from me-the phone stopped working.

The dynamic between us is one where they are always taking and I am always giving-regardless of what giving costs me. They see nothing wrong with this dynamic and to be fair it’s the only one they have ever known.

The rest of my family is telling me that sibling being forever care-taken for by me is the plan. Our DNA Donors have smugly informed me that they have spent the inheritance that I originally had planned to use to provide care for my sibling.

Years earlier, the sibling who I am already estranged from, but don’t leave family gatherings for, informed our disabled sibling that they had plans to throw them out of the house before our DNA Donors were cold in their graves. My disabled sibling began to cry because apparently they thought that living in the house meant that they got to keep it after our DNA Donors passed.

They pleaded with me to stop our sibling from selling the home, because I am the executor. I told them that the only way to stop that was to buy the sibling out of their share and it was unlikely that enough money would be left behind to do so.

I told my sibling that the best thing that they could do was to take their share and buy their own home.

I have no idea what my sibling is going to do but I wont sacrifice my life, for someone who doesn’t even treat me well.

I am also in denial about how much I resent them for their refusal to get a diagnosis and therefore treatment.

I also have serious doubts if my sibling would even talk to me, if their housing situation wasn’t precarious. I feel like they don’t see me, they just see a resource provider.

My brother (30) and I (32M) have had a strained relationship for the better part of a decade. He has bipolar disorder and narcissistic tendencies which have historically made things difficult, but things have rapidly deteriorated over the past couple of years. For starters, he and my sister were married within two weeks of one another which generated a ton of conflict. My sister-in-law claims there was a lack of communication surrounding their preferred dates, which my sister denies. In addition to this existing tension, my sister-in-law is an atheist and was adamant that there be no religious component to the wedding ceremony, which is perfectly reasonable, but was then furious when I said that I wouldn’t be able to participate given the secular nature of the service (I was going to become a priest.) I told them that they were free to do as they pleased, but that my conscience wouldn’t permit me to attend. This triggered a gargantuan melt-down during my sister’s wedding reception, where my sister-in-law drunkenly freaked out in front of my entire family and refused to speak to my sister and brother-in-law. They then drunkenly stormed off into the night without telling anyone where they were or if they were safe. Even after they sobered up, there were no apologies. Needless to say, things were pretty icy after that.

Less than half a year later, our Dad unexpectedly passed away in his sleep. He was only 59 and it was extraordinarily traumatic for everyone involved. My brother and his wife responded by going to my Dad’s apartment without me or my sister and going through everything. We found out hours later that they had opened all of his mail, gone through his possessions and taken whatever they wanted without even telling us. We have reason to suspect that they stole money as well. After the funeral, my brother refused to help pay for lawyer’s fees, funeral expenses or a headstone. My Dad hadn’t been in the ground 24 hours before my brother and his wife were screaming at me and my sister that they wouldn’t help pay for a lawyer. Even after all this, my sister invited them to dinner so we could at least eat one meal together as a family and share our grief as siblings. 2 hours before dinner, he texted us and said he wouldn’t be there. That was a year and a half ago and we’ve barely spoken since. My sister has since had a beautiful baby boy and they didn’t even show up for his first birthday.

Just found out today that my sister-in-law is pregnant and it has sadly dredged up a bunch of negative emotions. God knows I haven’t handled everything perfectly, but am I right in thinking that their behavior seems narcissistic? My Mom (whose favorite child he has always been even though he barely speaks to or sees her now) is adamant we keep inviting him to things and keep forgiving him. Am I unjustified in wanting to go no contact? I love him and miss him but at this point he just hurts everybody.

Before my child was born my brother and his wife got into an argument with us.

Things for me really haven't been the same since. His wife deleted me off all socials and when other important events have happened I don't call or even really text him to let him know.

My brother and his wife are some of the most competitive people I have ever met. He gets upset when I hear from our parents and he doesn't

My wife thinks my brother is trying to mend things with us, but it's just so difficult for me to not wanna keep things simple.

I have just been keeping conversations very basic like weather, how his dog is doing, etc. Our argument was so bad, I just don't know if our relationship will ever be the same.

Is there anyone else out there like this? how do you navigate seeing your low contact sibling(s)?

I’m just wondering who else in this sub has experienced this? My half sister is ten years older than me and she was such a mean horrid bully to me when I was little, mentally and definitely on occasion physically hurting me when alone. I don’t remember it really calming down until I was secondary school age but by that point it shifted to dominating bossy behaviour which felt like a relief but was still horrible to grow up with. It left me feeling numb and unable to connect with her later on. Now following our mums death 3 years ago, her poor behaviour & jealousy returned and I’ve gone no contact, but obviously she’s acting like she’s never done anything wrong and I’m being treated as the bad sister for distancing myself and protecting my peace.

I find the excuse “all siblings fight it’s normal” crap really outdated and doesn’t fly with me but it feels even more ridiculous when someone is 13 bullying a 3 year old for instance. It crosses a line and is beyond the ‘norm’ when a child is so defenceless.

I don’t feel like sibling abuse between siblings with age gaps gets discussed a lot so I’m happy hear other people’s experiences.

I’m low contact with my sister who is 4 yrs older than me. I’m also low contact with my mom too because she created and encouraged the type of relationship my sister and I have.

My sister is the aggressor and when she’s confronted about her behavior or when she’s feeling bad about her life and wants to take things out on someone else things quickly become tense and scary. Having any form of a relationship with her into adulthood left me depleted. I was often scared of expressing how I felt to her and was constantly walking on egg shells.

My mom and sister worked as a team making me doubt my reality when I was treated poorly by either one of them and confronted them.

The good news is that by keeping my distance from both my sister and mom , while focusing on my marriage, child and career I took my life and power back.

It’s been sad and lonely from time to time, but the absence has helped me heal tenfold. Day to day I don’t fear what kind of mood my sister will be in or how she might retaliate if I express my boundaries with how I’d like to be treated or spoken to in our relationship.

I live a life of freedom now not caring what my sister or mom say or do and know if they push too far against my boundaries I will tell them and if they push harder, I will need to go no contact with them.

Today I had an odd feeling though, like it was weird not to be a ball of nerves around the holiday season. Not to be dreading the small interactions with them on the horizon because I feel in control of what I choose to accept from them. If they are out of line, I’ll tell them, then physically leave and remove myself from the situation. I realized that for so many years I walked on eggshells feeling anxious and dreading the holidays because of the control I allowed them to have over me.

Anyway, I wanted to share that it made me sad to think that this was the norm for me for many YEARS, dread, fear and walking on eggshells. I wouldn’t have been able to understand the abuse if I didn’t have the space to heal. Now I’m free but it dawned on me today that I put up with so much BS for so many years worrying that I’d lose the connection I had with my family, but it wasn’t a mutual relationship, it was based on manipulation, shame, fear and abuse.

If you can relate I’m giving you a huge virtual hug and want you to know that it gets better.

My sister tried to give me some rules to follow in order to maintain some contact. I said no because it was bullshit and I deserve to have better relationships than that. About a month later she accused me of ending the relationship with her. I said I wasn't going to be in a relationship where age tells me what to do or say so age tried to rename her rules as 'having boundaries'. When a 'boundary' is worded as a threat, is it really a boundary or more of an ultimatum? And whenever ive given someone an ultimatum and they did it, i think i lost some respect for them. Why would i want a relationship like that?

So you grew up in a family that was not emotionally nurturing. It wasn't safe to express your emotional needs or maybe psychological needs.

Time went by, you knew your environment and your family.
Then one day something traumatic happened.

And because your family were the way they were. They weren't there for you emotionally. They maybe dismissed your emotions needs when you communicated (through behaviour or verbally) that you needed help.

You felt abandoned.

My older sister moved to another state with her boyfriend a few years ago and visits about once a year. She just posted how she’s falling in love with the new state she’s living in and falling in love with life. Meanwhile we don’t talk anymore (just send memes) and I’m the one who visits our parents (5 hours away bc I’m in college). Our parents were very strict and argued a lot, I get why she left. But I grew up and realized they’re not here forever and I should enjoy my time with them. It’s not always terrible. I know leaving was what she thought was best for her but it has felt like she left and cut everyone off including me. So when she says she’s happy it feels like I was a problem and now that I’m not in her life really, that’s been good. I guess to flip it, now she’s not in my life so much, has my life been better? Kinda?

I have just recently blocked my younger sister for the first time ever, after an explosive months long fight about how she hurt me. Let me make that clear…she created a disgusting lie, I caught her, confronted her, she acknowledged it was a lie, but laughed it off saying it is “such a good story to tell”, (she has said this story many times over) and when I told her how much it hurt me….she called me “crazy” and “need church”. After she acknowledged that she lied!? For the first time in my life, I just could not allow her to treat me like this anymore. It happened so many times and I have been through so much therapy to heal from this kind of stuff I stood up for myself l, and I did it in the most kind way I could. I thought about every word.

It didn’t matter to her, she turned it into now she is suddenly the bigger victim here. I feel gaslit! It bizarrely turned into how she is the one who is hurt by me?? By confronting her how her behavior was so wrong, now I have hurt her by speaking up….how backwards is that. And she started throwing in lies about me to family that I was closest to, not her, in an attempt to turn them against me. I had to finally block her because of her disgusting relentless texts. And as a retaliation she has now blocked me from my niece, whom I practically raised while she was out on random dates!! It’s maddening. All this while I continued to be kind, and used by her. It’s like she just turned on me the second I finally stood my ground. I’m tired of being a doormat!!

I have been heart broken through this. It is hard to accept. Sometimes it’s hard to even focus on things. How do you deal…how do you cope with family who you have bent over backwards for can be the cruelest? I’m at a loss. But I had to block her, I still beat myself up about it but it got so bad.

My sister and I haven't spoken in years. We had a falling out because she had no respect for me or my husband when it came to my son. She would shamelessly disregard our instructions (don't go in his room when he's sleeping, don't put him on your shoulders, don't bother him while he's eating, don't walk off with him without permission, and many other instances of going against our wishes.) So, in the time we haven't been speaking, our family went through a huge loss as well as many health issues with our mother. In all this time, we never spoke. She got married and had a child, all without reaching out. Haven't seen eachother in years. When we last spoke, I said we have a lot to talk about. She said "yes we do but I'm not ready", so I let it be and moved on. It was hard and painful but I tried to mend our relationship and she wouldn't work with me.

Flash forward to this week. She texted me "can we talk". I said yes, when? So we're going to have a phone call tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect. Anyone have any advice???

Some background: My father-in-law passed away this year, and before he died, I managed most of the responsibilities. My husband’s sister lives about three hours away, while my husband and I lived six minutes from him. We had considered moving out of town, but my husband’s sister expressed that she preferred us to stay until he passed, so she didn’t have to worry about her dad. My husbands sister and I also had a great relationship, and I often visited her without my husband. Both my husband and his sister are not very experienced in managing tasks needed when someone is sick or after death, and since I had experience with such matters, I took on these responsibilities. They are also not paper work people and don't work desk jobs, as I do.

However, I am not perfect and made mistakes. I still have a job and was not officially the executor, which added stress and led to multiple breakdowns. My husband’s sister was also dealing with relationship issues, along with grieving her dad and was happy to have me managing everything. I maintained an almost annoying level of communication with her to avoid potential issues, but often, she would dismiss our efforts, and we proceeded with what needed to be done. All she had to do was sit back and be sent money.

Regarding my father-in-law's house, my husband and I decided to buy his sister’s share. The house required significant repairs, and we started work without obtaining an appraisal first. We’re not familiar with these things and didn’t think the work we would do would have that much of an impact. We also started work because we knew the house would continue to incur costs and we needed to move in as soon as possible. Eventually, we got an appraisal, which showed a higher value due to the improvements we made. However, my husband’s sister demanded a higher amount, asserting that our work could not have raised the value significantly. We did a retrospective appraisal, which confirmed the work we completed did raise the value.

I also performed comparative analyses and got realtors to do the same, concluding that the house would not have sold for more than $190,000 in its original state. It is important to mention that my husband’s sister was not involved in any of the post-death work and only participated in decorating for the wake and organizing food. I handled everything, including paying bills, communicating with people, and even writing the obituary and coordinating the funeral.

She is also a very paranoid person with a violent past, and I knew we had to tread lightly when we discussed our offer, but this didn't happen because she backed me into a corner and I was forced to tell her information quickly. This set off a series of events. She dragged other people in, bad-mouthed us to the whole family, and even got a family lawyer involved. We have yet to explain our side to any of these people and while we want to, we don't feel it's their business and it was in bad taste for her to drag them in.

But remember, she had no information, except the appraisal, and didn't give us the opportunity to explain in detail how we got to that amount we offered. She jumped to conclusions and was so emotional and irrational. She even told my husband that all this was my fault, and she wished I was never around. She claimed my husband would have moved in as the house stood, which is not true and reflects her lack of information regarding the state of the house.

Regardless, we apologized and told her we had no intent to mislead her and provided all the information via email, which I know she never read.

In the following months, she began falsely claiming she told us things she never did, including that we should get an appraisal before doing work. If she did, why didn’t she say anything to me every time I sent her pictures of the work being done? I also have a vivid memory of explaining to her that we would have to pay for two appraisals if we got one done before we secured a lender. So why didn’t she suggest paying for the appraisal from the estate? She also took a share of money she was not entitled to until we paid a final debt. The check was $100 short of bouncing because of this. But she again claimed that my husband and she agreed to this. If that were the case, why did she not say anything when my husband told her he was paying that debt using said account?

We eventually agreed on an amount, which was still more than she would have received if we sold the house. During Thanksgiving, she avoided interacting with us, which was fine considering we were expecting her to get violent. With Christmas approaching, the smaller setting may not allow avoidance, raising concerns about potential confrontations. My husband wishes to maintain a relationship with his sister, but there remain unresolved issues. I am uncertain whether a conversation would resolve the matter, given past conflicts. I am not sure what to do and am considering not going. All this has caused a lot of strife in our marriage and I am not sure how to proceed with this.