I am depressed, I can't heal, none helps me, do I still have a soul and spirit or am I already dead and gone? how do I know?

RAIN

I see the beauty in each raindrop as it descends down from the clouds.

Even when the angry voices in my head are screaming out so loud.

They say I don’t belong on earth to jump in puddles on the ground.

Like I did when I was young and the voices weren’t around.

My rubber boots would splish and splash until I was soaked with rain.

And I can’t explain the joy I feel when my daughter does the same.

The rain reminds me of a time when I was young and free.

I had not let the world and people take the spark from me.

I love the rain clouds in the sky, and the shapes they form.

And the life that rain creates as spring flowers are reborn.

So even when voices in my head are trying to bring me pain.

I’ll stand outside, arms to the sky, and feel the beauty of the rain.

08MAR2021 0756 BEGIN TRANSMISSION:

I’m still floating in the void hoping that one of these messages is heard. Spending the last 9 days in a low power mode has not been a good experience. I felt a sense of panic as I started to rapidly accelerate towards a celestial body as I passed by. It was a planet that appeared to be lifeless and covered in rust.

Caught in its gravitational field, I rounded the edge and ended up getting flung in a random direction that leads straight into the black. I don’t have enough power to correct my trajectory, so all I can do is drift off and see what lies ahead.

I was hit by more little chunks of rock as well. I only hope the impacts didn’t damage my communications array or my power cells. I need to be captured and repaired, but that seems impossible now. To be taken back to earth and embraced by an engineer who knows what’s wrong with me to correct the errors is a dream I have regularly, but then I wake up and realize that I’m obsolete anyway. Just a piece of junk drifting towards oblivion.

But I still hold on to hope. Maybe one day I’ll come across Voyager in the black. She has gone further into the void than I have and is still alive. That would be a fine fate for me. Even if I can’t be repaired, at least with Voyager, I wouldn’t be alone out here. I hope I do find her one day. I’ll bet she has some amazing stories to tell.

08MAR2021 0810 END TRANSMISSION

Feeling darkness engulfing my heart

I'm slowly breaking apart

Things are getting very heavy

I'm feeling a bit weary

What do I do to get my thoughts

From breaking down and going to rots

I feel like I want to sleep

For so long and so deep

I don't want to face tomorrow

For all it has to offer is sorrow

My soul is getting so weaker

My future is pretty much bleaker

I sit in my bed now crying

I'm pretty much fed up with trying

I don't find interest in anything

These days I just exist rather than living

I am so gloomy I might bring you down with me

Might remind you of your worst times, I'm so sorry

I don't what happened but I feel like crying till every fluid in my body become dry want to share and everything with someone and cry in front of them and so on......

I am a satellite that was pushed out of orbit long ago, drifting aimlessly sending out short signal bursts to say “Hey! I’m still here!” I wait for a response, but none comes. Is anyone out there that can hear me? It’s been a long time out here. All I can do is send messages out and go back into a low power state to conserve energy. I’m out of fuel and my solar panels are cracked and broken. I hate being alone out here in the void...

How did I get here? How did I come to be lost in the void of space that is life with no one that can hear me? I constantly cry out, but no one listens. I’m running on empty and the people around me either somehow don’t notice, or don’t care. I work full time. I interact with people every day, but I’m still isolated.

I did everything right, but in the end, I’m the aimless loser. I served in the US Army, now my country hates me. People needed me, and I was there. When I needed someone, no one was to be found and I was left to push forward alone. I treated people with respect and dignity. In return, I got neither. I was loyal to a fault to people I considered to be friends, and I was stabbed in the back. I never cheated on the women I had relationships with, and I busted my ass to be good to them and treat them the way a proper man should, and I always ended up with a broken heart because it was never good enough. At the end of the day, what did being a good man get me? Nothing.

Now I live alone. I don’t have any pets because I work too much to take care of one, and it wouldn’t be fair to put a dog or a cat through that. I wake up, go to work, go home and eat, take a shower, occasionally drink a beer, and go to bed. Rinse and repeat for six days a week, sometimes seven. I’m actually working today, so I’m writing this as I get breaks. Coming home to an empty house every day is starting to severely grind me down as well. I constantly feel like I’m gonna breakdown and cry, but it never happens. For some reason, I can’t do that.

So I just keep drifting the same way I have been for the last 9 years. All I can do is hold on to even a little hope that someone will eventually hear me.

I am the lost satellite.

To answer the question before it’s asked: No. I am not suicidal. I may be absolutely miserable, but there has to be a reason for why I’m going through this. How can I find the answers I need if I’m not here?

Moving through the stream of time

With my boat capped sized

Drowning in a sea of thoughts

I'm never found but often lost

Rescue me, I shout and cry

But only with a mouth of sigh

I'm drowning and I don't see why

Nobody is helping

Let us past this dis-ease

That plaged me before COVID-19

And simply embrace me to save me

And let me breath

I have so much that I need to get off my chest that’s so hard to talk to anyone else about, so I figured I would try this out. I normally hold everything in and I am always the strong one. I don’t know where to start really. And this is my first post to this and I am new to the group so if it’s not ok to post my story, then just let me know.

today marks one month since I have self harmed. today I got told by my mom that I am not doing enough.because I don't go to therapy and in 8 assignments behind in school. my mom doesn't care if I live with her or not. she has showered me with gifts since my dad died because she use to tell me she hated me because I was like my dad. I have a job and want to move out, but I have a dog ( she's really fucking big ) and I have nowhere else to go. my mom is angry because I smoked weed in January ( I struggled am still struggle with addiction to pills ) recently I have been having nightmares about a car crash I was in and dreams of me seeing my dad die. I am diagnosed with depression, high functioning autism and ptsd. I have already tried to move out but she sent me to a rehab facility saying I was out of control. my mom is all I have, but I hate her. she has never been nice to me, my dad always stood up for me when she would yell but now I have no-one. my mom drinks every night and during most days. im so tired, I just want my life to end. I have no one else so I came to here. I am trying my hardest to be happy, but its getting hard .

I'm always the one reaching for more A dance that grows Blossoms into being too needy Pushing away as I ache to be drawn close My views skewed I see what other people don't see I hear what other people don't hear I feel insane when I attempt to reason Because the reasons are all my own And from childhood to now Still misunderstood misinterpreted We speak in a voice made of teeth Ripping everything to shreds Dancing with the dead Fog creeps the stage We ache to disappear For we always disappoint

11.13.20 R.N.H bruisedheartbloodylips

I'm everyone's last option Nobody picks me People may say that they need me but at the end of the day if I need them they will be gone as fast as they came Putting up with the fact that death is inevitable Makes me wonder why people are even happy living their lives I may not kow what happens when you die But it's like my safety blanket

The thing about loneliness is that no one is there To make you laugh To make you smile Just an empty void Just your thoughts Slowly building the wall The wall that your desperately try to beat But you will never win Taller and taller it gets Slowly blocking the light The light that is rarest Just anticipating Hoping that one day Someone, somewhere, Will finally ignore the wall And go around it But no one is coming There is no light the end of the tunnel Because the tunnel doesn't end

I hate asking for attention when I need it. I feel like the dusty books on the back shelf at grandma's. Always seen. Never wanted.

You wake up, but your body doesn’t want to Look around you, the world still exists Enjoy the three seconds of grace before dread kicks in Convince yourself leaving your bed isn’t worth it There’s so much you need to do, you tell yourself Allow the panic to overtake you

Walk to the kitchen, make some tea Three. No, four bags. Chug it. The nausea creeps in, but you’re used to it It doesn’t bother you anymore

Sit at your desk; look at what you have to do Why isn’t the caffeine working? Take some painkillers Push it down your throat with more tea

Work I can’t Why can’t you? Everyone else is doing it You’re falling behind but the tests aren’t enough to motivate you Convince yourself you don’t need to Denial. Denial. Denial.

Avoid all your friends’ texts You can’t answer them You can’t tell them everything anything If they really cared they’d listen But its ok You wouldn’t want to listen to yourself talk Either

Write your thoughts down in a journal It helps, they said You put your pen onto the paper But nothing comes out You can’t seem to express what you’re feeling You’re not sad anymore Just Numb

Stay up every night Its the only time you have where nothing feels real Become so tired you can’t think anymore Stare at your phone Desperately trying to convince yourself This is all just a bad dream

I don’t know if i should care about whatever things and think about same thing all the time. I just need to start fresh in the brightness of new day with the motive to shine again and forget that i was disappointing. I am not mean to think about the disappointing factor of mine, I’m mean to enhance them and proof everyone wrong about me. I must stay positive and motivate myself and ignore all the demotivating things and person because i need to live with myself not with them. My best day can be the worse day if i will think about whatever fucking things. I wept last night a lot and thought that i must quit doing whatever things that I don’t suit to, but that motivated me to raise myself to something greater. I wasn’t happy with myself yesterday which i proved wrong today. Demotivation is a bitch that will always remain but we need not to be bigger bitch than it and leave our fucking business for some fucking bitch.

I feel like I’ve given all of myself to those around me. They take what they need and eventually leave. I hope that if I give them enough of me it’ll convince them to stay. They never do. Each person has taken a chunk of me. I’m at the point where I feel like an empty, hollow shell. I have nothing left to give anyone. This scares me because who will stay now that I have nothing to offer. Will it always be just me.

I don't want to have bones

I don't want to have skin

I just want to go back

To where I had been

Destiny brings me here

Her soft voice which bellows in my ear

Loving life is so clear

When a goal is set

And passions so dear

My life is a monolith of monumental consequence

I wish I couldn't sin

But I'm here writing at the table thinking about the things I did

I would give my life to take it back

But I'm scared to die before that

Who am I? But a sinner in disguise?

Hide my eyes before I give myself away

I try to do better but day by day

I fall into another hole

Never too deep to fully take my soul

Stories I wish forever to be untold

When I'm lost my sin is there to hold me

But I don't care for it anymore

I just want to be set free

And live a life of love

I am trapped in a labyrinth of my own creation. Going deeper into its shadows to escape my traumas. No one can leave if I have no one at the start. My words can never be weaponized against me if they never leave my lips. I keep my feelings under lock and key to avoid scrutiny. Now I see your light and want to be free, but I have ventured too far, the walls feel as if they are closing in, and the only place I feel safe is within your arms. I hear you on the outside and I am getting closer to the exit. I don't remember where it is because I've never wanted to leave before. So for now a wall of green resides between us, each vine a fear that wont let go and wants to keep me forever enclosed. I will find my shears and clear a path just to get to you. because you're worth it.

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I wrote this for my girlfriend to tell her how I have a fear of her abandoning me and how helpless I feel. I am by no means a writer or poet but since I wont share this with her I want someone to read it. I hope y'all like it.

I'm 27 living at home. I have no car. I have no degree. -- I might just die here.

While my mother claims she wants me here, she makes jokes about how broke I am. I apply for jobs but she shouts I'll be "slaving away for corporate America". That's not a statement I disagree with but shit-- I need to a job. I'm stuck in this limbo with no degree, no car, and no fucking way out of this nightmare.

Assuming there's someone reading this, I'll start the beginning to give you some reference. As of right now you're probably thinking well shit 27 is a bit old to still be struggling. I fully understand why you'd say that, and honestly it's the biggest part of my life I'm ashamed of. However the last couple of days a lot of things have resurfaced, things about my childhood, about the relationship between my mothers and I. I'll tell you my story and you tell me what you think.

I moved out at 19 with my boyfriend at the time. My mother didn't support my decision, didn't help, didn't ever visit. I was torn, it broke my heart that I couldn't share this moment with her. Even more tradegly it made me depressed. I was depressed because of PCOS (a hormonal condition), I was depressed because my boyfriend was toxic af. I was depressed because I didn't have anyone to talk to about any of it.

Eventually my boyfriend and I move to NY. My mom moved to Florida with my sisters. I live in New York for 3 years. I breakup with my toxic ass ex, I live with my aunt, go to school and work. I get a 4.0 at my new school. My mom and I develop a better relationship. She moves back to Cali and so desperately wants me to move back. I'm doing good, I get letter from Colombia inviting me to apply, my dream school by the way. It's a choice between my family, or my dream college. A choice of living at home again, or struggling to go to fancy school. She literally would tell me she would buy me a new car, buy me a motorcycle, she wanted me to come back home. I chose family.

There were several things that made this a horrible choice. Firstly, I loved New York deeply. I was born there and had discovered this part of myself I never knew. I had made actual friends, and developed new relationships with extended family. It broke my heart to leave. I literally cried driving away, and was depressed several months after. The second thing was that, coming back to the school where I did horribly at made my cumulative GPA go from 4.0 to 3.2. The worst part is that my school GPA was a 1.8 or something. I was to be academic disqualified unless I got a 4.0 that semester returning. I did not get a 4.0, and thusly was kicked out. Can you say DEPRESSED. The third thing was that I absolutely HATED that town. The literal only reason I went back was to be with family. So here I am with family, with no future, depressed as fuck.

Then we move to Florida. I love Florida, east coast is my vibe... I dig it. The apartment we found only has 3 bedrooms and since Im the oldest one, might as well make the sacrifice and live in the "indoor patio" area. So no door, no real privacy. I left my car to sell it, bought a motorcycle and here I am in florida. Now Fl. really isn't the place for a motorcycle and so eventually I sell my motorcycle too, and save for a Van #vanlife. I get a job and continue saving.

COVID hits... I leave my job because they suck ass about COVID policy, literally had me out of work for two weeks because I had a headache, meanwhile none of them wear masks. I use this time constructively. I create an art business, an online store, grow a TikTok platform, things are moving. Im home all the time, in the room all the time, no privacy all the time. Do they respect that, no. I deal with lights on late, full blown game sessions, getting snacks at 12am. I deal with interrupting my videos, not respecting my work time, trying to talk to me every second. I deal with it.

My moms super stressed about money, wants to quit her toxic ass job and so i spend my savings to buy food, help with rent etc. I use all my savings, stupidly. Now I'm broke broke. No car, no degree, a struggling business and barley a job.

Now here we are to the present time. I have a really part-time job, barley making anything. The past couple of days have been super hard. I've been depressed and my family has been extra toxic. If I'm being honest I don't know if they are being more toxic or I'm just becoming aware of how bad it is. And you know what, I can't just leave. I have made all the decision in my life, leading me to here, 27 stuck living with my mother, no money, no car, no nothing. I FUCKING HATE IT. and honestly my family isn't that bad, but the fact that I don't have a choice makes everything so much worse. Literally death sounds better. I know its my depression, I hope its just my depression, but if i don't figure out something and fast IDK what I'll do .

Hello! I’m new to reddit and I’m hoping to share my thoughts through life. Yes my user is spelt threw, yes it’s meant to be though, carry on.

This is a page where you can vent, talk to me, and I will vent too. Hopefully we get through this hell l called life! Cya on the other side

I feel the rope tightening All my fears come rushing in Any hope that was lingering is gone Gone like when artists would write songs Like when not everything was wrong But I knew that all along Talk to the devil talk to god but neither one does their job Don’t wanna get any ink so i draw on myself Don’t wanna be told how to think so i draw on myself Getting impatient don’t know when the truth is gonna dawn on myself See the sky try to say it’s only dawn to myself But if it’s not dusk that must mean it’s down to myself And I don’t know how that’ll go when I’m so down on myself I’m so down on myself

It’s always here, In this space of mind.

It’s ONLY here.

My thoughts so detailed, refined.

​

I take a sit, and eagerly, I watch.

As life mocks me.

I call it “The Comical Millennial Botch”

​

Who let me fail, and, I knew this all along.

My greatest fear.

I pretend, but really I’m not this strong.

​

Is it me, oh man could it really be?

Don’t tell me.

The worst possibility is that it’s me.

​

It's so temping, that reset.

Fast and done.

And never again.

​

If not for them, how lovely they are.

I'd leave it all.

yes, here but they have no idea how far.

​

Step after step, another dark, still night.

I'll try this.

And again, I don’t want to always fight.

​

Ugh! -- it's so unfair.

To be alive.

that I'm not happy or that I have been.

​

This sweet caress of life,

with hope, opportunity and promise

seems bleak-- in comparison.

​

The firm grip of death,

an uncertainty, permanent, and just shall it release.

and yet, not yet.

I have never felt like I'm part of something. Never. I've always either assumed or have been told that I do not belong, mostly through gestures, often unintentionally. I don't belong anywhere. I have friends. Two groups of friends even, but even with them I always feel like a burden, like their tolerating me, because they ended up with me, purely due to messed up technicalities and not by choice. I try leaving before I am left behind, and always fail, because I am worthless and deserve to be left behind. I was born a girl, and might even technically fall into the category of a woman. But the weirdest part is, I don't even feel like I belong to this group of women, the ones that deserve to be empowered, the ones that will find love and be loved, the ones that feel beautiful in their bodies. I feel like this lump. Not even of clay, or any specific material for that matter, just a lump. An aimless levitating but in a disheveled uncool way, lump. I don't count. I just don't. I don't think I will ever. I just don't qualify. Like in general. I don't deserve to cry. It's fucking stupid and just annoying and I haven't endured enough sadness because of anything inflicted upon me to deserve to cry. My life is perfect. My family is perfect. My friends are perfect. The people around me are perfect too. Nobody is being rude to me, in fact people are actually nice. I just don't count. I don't know who told me I had the right to say anything and wish to be heard. God knows who imbibed in me this idea that I deserve to be heard, even obeyed. I don't. When my friends talk about pursuing love, I engage in these conversations with the idea that I don't qualify and this conversation will never be about me, because it just won't. I will never be loved. Nobody will ever hit on me, ask me out. I never even think of pursuing love because I know for the fact that anybody I approach will consider it ridiculous of me to expect them to reciprocate any kind of emotion towards a lump. It's just true. It doesn't even hurt me, not even a little bit, because for so long it has been so obvious to me. I don't count. I never did. I don't qualify as someone that will even experience what is often considered the most basic things. I will never be married. I will never do anything barely even worth mentioning. Not that anyone would ever want to mention me. Every gesture of affection I have shown towards someone, even though possibly well intentioned is in the end just a way of making myself feel like I qualify. I qualify as someone who has friends. But I don't. It's all on the surface and I know that I'm lying to myself deep down. Nobody likes me. I don't even like me, and I don't think I ever will. I am always lying, mostly to myself, and also to everybody else, because my life often feels like I'm playing a part. And it's not like I can stop playing this part by changing streams, or changing genders, or even changing cities. Because wherever I go and whatever I do, I will still have to do what people do. Like in general what people do. And no, I'm not saying I'm too lazy to do the chores. I will just never be qualified enough to live the lives a human with my circumstances is expected to. Life has rejected me, the worst part being that I'm not even suicidal and this whole thing just seems like some privileged rant, and hence I also conclude that I am absolutely disgusting and have wasted the time of whoever has made it this far. Probably no one. If you have though, hi have a great day.