Day 5, Night 6

750ml of Vodka is lasting me a little over two days. Eating a little more each day, can keep down water and the intense fog from the SSRI is lifting I think. Or at least, the window of lucidity is getting wided and wider.

Woke up early this morning feeling pretty good. Had a bit of the jitters in my hands and not my legs. Had a burst of energy so I cleaned up my room, took out the trash, did a bit of laundry and played some videogames and watched a couple podcasts.

Anxiety hit super hard though by around noon. I held off as long as I could before taking my little baby sips from the vodka bottle until it went away and I stopped pacing. Suffered with through the light sweats and mild anxious thoughts.

Realized I was doing the Sinclair Method which has been helping a lot and now I'm just waiting until I get too tired to stay awake and sipping on claws until maybe I get the light buzz that helps let me stay asleep. Anyone else tapering, we got this 👍

Also thank you all with the kind comments on my last post ☺️

I stumbled across a post on the askdoc sub and a doctor was talking about malabsorption and vitamin b deficiency apparently causing hallucinations. Got me thinking about the random pills I take. Used to take the fun kind, now I take

Multi vitamin B complex Serrapeptase (apparently helps sinus issues) Some hippie kidney pill with rose hips and glitter or whatever Milk thistle Magnesium (citrate, I think since yall always be yelling about it has to end in "ate") Apple cider vinegar

Anyway. Idek what the fucks going on anymore.

Guarantee a 90 day rehab is in my future.

Fuck Me.

Fuck this.

Ion wanna.

I need to.

I’ll prolly go nuts in there.

I’m already nuts.

Anyway. How yall doin. Imma WD until 6 pm starting now. 1 am. I hate myself.

I hate this life.

I hate everything.

Anyway. If my bf didn’t GIVE AWAY a beatbox and DROP AND BREAK a mad dog. I’d be okay. :)

Anyway. Life sucks. My stomach is in shambles.

Kill me. Kill everything.

Good morning. Chairs. Oh what’s that? A pill that’ll knock me out but will give me creepy ass dreams? Jackpot.

We flock together;)

I can usually handle the anxiety, the shaking, the shits, the vomiting, the gastritis, the pancreas hating me, the dehydration but my god the mental confusion is the worst part. Its like all my executive function to make decisions goes out the window. I dont remember what the fuck i was gonna do or cant make simple choices anymore. It scares me.

Anyways. Here in about 30 minutes all that should go away with a few drinks in me. Damn. This is what i get for trying to cut back. And this is what i get for breaking my "dont drink 2 days in a row rule" its now been 2 months of daily drinking and i am so pissed at myself for not being able to taper. Blaaaaaah just eanted to vent and commiserate

It’s Friday guys.

Do as you will.

Stay good.

Homeless again? Check!

Gastritis or some shit again? Check!

Can’t keep water down this morning ? Check!

Don’t have a tent? Check!

Don’t have a physical ID so can’t even buy drinks again? CHEEEEEECKKKKK!

Got a blanket. A fiancé, 200$ and a will to survive and overcome.

Idk if I got this, but I probably do. Just need tent. Charger thingy. Yeah. I can do it. Some way to heat up too ? Idk how imma do it.

I'm going to be needing naltrexone stat and don't know what to do. How fast do those box kits work? From what I understand, you sign up, pay, see virtual doctor, then are mailed the medicine in a discreet box. Apparently this process can be speedy but you know ads.. Fill me in or suggestions?

Another option is urgent care but they normally don't comply with detox drugs in my experience.

Trying to be "good" 😁🙄

Chairs

Homeless or abusive mom time.

To all my fellows in the UK. It’s late for me but it’s early for you:) large it you beautiful dirty pretty things;)

I drank a fifth of fireball in less than 24 hours, obviously I don't care. It's not even that bad, but my husband came home and explicitly point this out. Which means he's either concerned or being judgy.

I've been trying to moderate. I've adopted some silly little hobbies that distract me from the booze, but I can't do it anymore.

It's not that bad of a marriage, but I have trauma and I can't cope with being alive in this society. I've never been able to cope sober. I tried. I guess this is a relapse, but I hate that it implies sobriety in the first place.

Fuck me, got to the point couldn't keep anything down, went from green to brown to be like hospital time. I really can't thank them enough, I was in withdrawals by the time I got there, severely dehydrated and pretty much fucked. Give me enough librium to take the edge off, got me hydrated back up, sent me home with some supplements and finally sober again. Still feeling pretty fucked, just thankful that month of hell is over. Whether your pissed, sober or somewhere in between I love you all 🩷 only we understand this madness

Yall ever jump when a door slam to hard ? Most of the reason I jump is cause trauma but the jumps been worse prolly the alcohol :,(

I think I've successfully tapered off Vodka. The scaries haven't necessarily shown up but the SSRI I started is kicking my butt. I look and sound drunk on it, but I know me when I'm drunk. I'm not drunk. I feel chemically lobotomized.

The meds + sipping and suffering have me curled up in my chair. Only thing keeping me going is the fact I can keep down food and have the desire to eat, getting good night's rest and my friends and family giving me support.

Completely ruined my health and life. Barely anyone with speak to me. Drunk morning to night and talk to random internet people.

Wish I could end it but don’t have the courage. No family to speak of. Just a drunk unemployed middle aged woman who pissed off everyone I know and ruined the best relationships of my life. Nonstop panic attacks.

How does one find the anyway to make any of this okay, yet again good again? Any thoughts appreciated because I’ve cracked right. The fuck up and am terrified all the time. Thanks.

Wake up about 5 something.

Its my daughters 15th birthday. She's got me blocked and so does her mom.

im dressed by 7 and walking to the store.

grab a 10 pack of fireball shooters (was going for my bad day usual pint but this is cheaper and i need more weed at some point today)

clerk mentions how the burnt weed smell smells good.

crack my first shooter and half gag it down before i make it back to my aunts apartment.

Today is not gonna be a good day. I'm either gonna hole up and cry and blackout or I'm gonna get black out and crashout in the most severe ways possible.

Hurry the fuck up with that Eval, treatment. I'm literally hangin on by a thread at this point.

lol I know I’m not the only one here. But at least I passed out before one singular big sips box. Is noon gonna suck? Yes. Do I have to wait til night shift cus the government is way too damn lazy to send my ID? Yes. Will the morning shift ID me? Idk not taking the risk.

Night shift all knows me. They know why I’m there and that I’ll be back the next day. They even say be safe see you tomorrow.

Is that not fucking embarrassing ? Jesus Christ. See you tomorrow ?? I’m 22. Been in a worse hole somehow before I was even 21. Started? 14. Worst? 18-19 with a handle a day. Withdrawals? Have had a literal seizure.

The fuck am I doing to myself? I could be somebody but I chose to be this?

Love yall. Chairs. Imma suffer til the evening starting in like… prolly before noon. Gonna do 50mg vistaril to survive. Makes me sleep. Are the dreams on that shit some weird ass shit? Yes. But do I have nearly 400 capsules of 25 mg? Yes.

Jesus Christ remove me from this planet. :)

Just sitting here. Everybody seems to be looking to get me, but i have many hours to go. I hate them.

I rarely eat any solids when im on a bender, so i need to be creative. Today i got a 500ml yogurt drink and i added oats in the bottle. It seems to go down well and its tasty. What are your go to foods when you are struggling?

Used to be a bottle of vodka a day alcoholic (750 ml in my country and if you’re American about a bottle of wine but it’s vodka).

I tapered and fixed my shit. But still now? Alcohol is the only thing that fixes my pain. I’ve been in pain for 14 years from the minute I wake up till the minute I fall asleep.

It hurts so fucking bad, my country doesn’t prescribe anything for chronic pain apart from anti-inflammatories.

So I drink sometimes because otherwise I never enjoy anything.

Yes ive been months and months without alcohol and found a way to be mentally happy but sometimes the physical pain is so severe that I need help.

I’ve tried pain based therapy to try to accept the pain and it helps somewhat but it doesn’t make me okay

San Diego. I drank way too much.

That you are still a human being worthy of love, honor, and respect!? If you didn’t Now you know. I love you all. From the bottom of my heart. It’s not a single worry, my dear. Don’t you dare give up. Don’t fall into the hype. We are all in the same storm Sailing to our rainbow. Xoxoxoxoxo SuperManShell!

It’s only been like… well a little over a month of dranks.

And I can’t continue like this. Especially now that I’m consuming my day dranks at night. Can’t even hide em from myself.

😩 it’s time. It’s time to suffer. Hopefully I have enough pillow medication… or else… 😅

My family noticed again. Got that bad last night. 🫠 I’m gonna slip away into the void for a bit yall. The void of sleep pills and shit to sleep through the WDs. Shouldn’t be too severe this time around. Good luck to everyone and 🪑 s.

Yeah, I'm aware it's bad and I should seek medical help. It wasn't a ton, like less than half a pint. It came at the end of a few heaves that consisted mostly of food stuff. I'm imagining a duodenal ulcer or something. If it was varices it would have been first or sececond heave and it wouldn't stop. Fuck. My. Life.

But god do I love them… whoever made these 8%+ fuckers must’ve been a CA too.

I’d say this wasn’t a shit post but well.

Uh oh… there goes the grumblies again.

PSA guys make sure you have some fiber in your diet and not just hops and carbonation. Chairs.

Just smoking cigarettes, drinking more than I allowed myself (as I’ve been doing for ages), looking at the sky and waiting for the rotisserie chicken in the oven to cook (2 hours out). Best wishes my friends:)