What are your confessions/secrets? No limits

I’m being super annoying and talking to them a lot today (even if they aren’t interested and it seems forced) and then barely answering tomorrow.

It worked before it’ll work again

I picked him up from the airport and he was telling me how he teaches martial arts… we drove 2 hours to his hotel and I was being flirty but didn’t think anything was going to happen. When we got there he classically said, “if you want, you can come up and I can show you some moves.” He paid to valet my car, I followed him up to his room. He immediately starting doing all these moves and my panties were soaked. I was wearing a dress too. He lifted it up and we fucked raw

Back in June 2024, I was just goofing around with my best friend. We were texting random strangers on Instagram with fake accounts, totally just for laughs. It was supposed to be harmless fun—until I stumbled across him. This guy who, out of nowhere, messaged me back. He seemed cool, easy to talk to, and to my surprise, he was actually really cute. We kept chatting, and I thought it was just some random conversation with a stranger. Nothing serious, right?

Then things got weird. A few days later, I saw him in real life. We were working at the same place! I had no idea he was the guy I’d been messaging. We crossed paths a few times, and I swear, there was this moment when he looked right at me. We made eye contact, and I felt this shock ripple through me. He didn’t know I was the one behind the fake account, but I knew exactly who he was. On the outside, I played it cool, but inside, I was freaking out. How was this even happening?

Fast forward to a week ago. I hadn’t heard from him since June, and suddenly, he messages me on that fake account again! I didn’t expect him to reach out, especially since we hadn’t seen each other in over a month. This time, I decided to come clean, at least a little. I told him the account was fake, and that the profile picture wasn’t really me. And then he asked the dreaded question: “Who are you, really?” My heart was pounding. I couldn’t bring myself to answer, so I just left him on read, hoping he’d drop it.

But he didn’t. He double-texted, saying I should forget about our past conversation and just tell him who I was. He asked again, and again, but I still couldn’t reveal myself. I wasn’t ready to face that reality—what if he thought I was just some weirdo?

The thing is, the moment I saw him in person back in June, it hit me—he was totally my type. That’s when I started catching real feelings. But, of course, I kept it casual and didn’t make a move, trying to seem nonchalant. I didn’t want him to know he’d somehow gotten under my skin.

I eventually forced myself to move on. But after he texted me again a week ago, it all came rushing back. That night, I even dreamed about him, and just like that, all the feelings I’d pushed down were right back in my face. Now, I can’t get him out of my head. But here’s the kicker: we’re not at the same workplace anymore, and he even told me he left too. So, it feels like we’re just two people in completely separate worlds now.

So here I am, stuck. Part of me feels like I should move on and let this go, but another part of me is wondering what could happen if I just… took a chance. What should I do now that we’re completely out of each other’s worlds?

I just want to confess that I feel empty. I just can't get over with the thought of nothing makes sense. There's no reason to keep moving. Actually it's hard to live that way. Because most of the time you have to tell the things you don't believe or you don't feel. By the time, you start disgust almost everything and there's no coming back from that.

Last confession: NO, I DIDN'T LOVE YOU. (At first I was about to love tbh)

Ive been depressed since I was born, i dont mean to be cringey about it but ever since I could remember I was always deeply sad. When I was 14 I cut myself for the first time, it was wonderful I immediately stopped crying and it felt like I was at peace.

Now years later I cant help it but I'm not ashamed. I've always been a attention hog. I'd never go out of my way to expose them, I might get in trouble, but when someone notices my cuts or scars I get a happy feeling. It makes me feel cared for.

Even after I cut after the blood comes and I get the rush of endorphins I'm still happy. Feeling the burn on my long sleeves/gloves fills me with joy and even when there almost healed leaving just a warm bump I love rubbing my hands up and down them.

I've even brought them into my intimate experiences and have had other partners cut my legs.

I've never wanted tobhurt another person or anything, only myself so I think I'm pretty sane and mentally well maybe it's just a super weird fetish idk.

I know there’s a recount going on for the election, but do you think anythings gonna change? Like does anyone know when we will get the results or if it’s even possible for Harris to win? I’m so nervous for the future with trump and I just want to know if it’s time to accept or if there’s still a fighting chance.

It felt like a bold adventure. I left everything familiar behind to start fresh on the opposite coast. But now the reality’s hitting hard. I've never felt so isolated and second-guess every decision brought me here. It's not that the place is bad; it's just incredibly different from what I expected.

I've been forcing myself to explore and meet people, but the connections feel shallow, almost as if I'm watching someone else live my life. The worst part is when I call home, I end up painting a picture that everything is perfect here, but truthfully, I crave the comfort of my old routine.

Leaving was my attempt to find myself, but I'm afraid I might be losing more than I'm gaining. Maybe in time, I’ll find the balance and purpose I’m craving. Until then, it's been a challenging journey.

Hello. Just as the title says. I feel my stepmom is poisoning me. I put the question mark cause she’s not TECHNICALLY my step mom.

So there’s so much history I can go through. This is basically a baby woman we’re dealing with. Step mom (late forties) has had it out for me since I (f22) was like 12.

Right now I think she is putting something in my detergent. I have specific wash days in the house two days of the week. (Because she throws a fit every time I have to do my laundry and it starts a big fight, she settled on me being allowed 2 days a week). Every Monday and Thursday when I go to do my laundry there’s a different container of detergent. Same looking but it’s always WAY lighter than the day before and then the day after it’s always way heavier. I’ve seen her switching out the bottles as well. I assumed at first it was her wanting a fuller one and not wanting me to use too much from one bottle. The thought she was putting something in there crossed my mind but I blew it off as an over anxious thought.

Well for a few weeks, over a month now, I’ve been really itchy. Mostly my under arms, but it’s now spreading to the rest of my arms a bit. My legs and anywhere I usually have tight clothes is kinda itchy in general. I thought maybe it was my new soap but it recently disappeared off my shelf. She tends to take and hide my stuff for no reason. My shampoo was recently filled with water (expensive shampoo at that) after I got home. I had left the bottle in the shower by accident and she hates when I leave any of my stuff in the shower.

Anyways with her switching out the laundry detergent bottles on all of my days, like I said, it raised my anxiety and suspicions about it. So I talked to some friends today. Before I could even finish explaining they asked if she was poisoning me. It makes me feel a lot less crazy. Then I talked to bestie about it and she thought it wouldn’t be out of reach of what step mom would do.

I don’t know if this is the right place to share this but I had to get it off my chest. I’m tired of being itchy so I’m taking my clothes to my grandmas and I’m gonna do a few cycles at her house and see if the itchiness gets better. If it does then I’ll suspect step mom even more.

About a year ago, my mom was a heavy drinker. I went on a car ride with her, and she almost crashed. I had to stop the car manually, and the cops arrested her for a day. She is no longer allowed to drink if she wants to see her kids again. She was required to do daily, random drug tests at random times. Her fiance also drinks, but he hasnt been required to stop drinking, since he wasnt apart of the incident.

About 6 months later, im able to talk to my mom and visit her without supervision again. Immediately, i started to see signs of drinking. (Her slurring her words, getting rude for no particular reason, being very emotional.)

I searched the entire house, and saw an empty fireball bottle at the bathroom trash. Then i saw one in the dash of her car, that she very obviously was trying to hide. Then, one in a drawer in the bathroom of her fiances boat.

But today, i went to her house. She had a cup filled with fruit juice. I taste all of her drinks that arent in named packages, so i know it isnt alcohol. This drink tasted like a cocktail, but it was apparently fruit juice, so i rubbed it off. My sister took a drink from the carton and promised me it tasted normal.

About 30 minutes ago, my mom told me to refill her cup with fruit juice, so i did. But, i drank the juice from the carton and it tasted absolutely nothing like the drink in her cup. Now i think my sister has been lying for my mom, and my mom has been drinking.

Please give me your thoughts. I dont know what to think anymore. This is sensitive content, so im using the NSFW tag.

I’m adopted. After 18. I had this MASSIVE crush on my now brother by adoption. Prior to the adoption ofc. But he was in a serious relationship. So I never thought about it or acted on it or even had much contact with him. Now though he’s single and I still feel the same way only now I’m adopted into his family. I know I can never tell him but how tf do I get over these feelings?!?

I always dream of someone I knew as a teenager.

I have frequent dreams of someone that I met when I was 14 and he was 12. I’m now 41. I can’t comprehend why this happens. He is a Native American and said that we are connected in the spiritual world. He told me that we’ve been connected in his previous lives. That I’ve helped save him. He said this when he was 15 and I was 17. This was the last time I saw him in person. We initially met in a treatment facility in Florida for teens with mental illness. I will go years without thinking about him or dreaming about him. Sometimes 4-5 years then bam - night after night of dreams sometimes for months at a time. Almost every time that happens, I can Google him and sure enough, he’s been in trouble with the law and landed himself in jail. He still struggles with mental illness and drugs/alcohol from what I read in news articles. We live different states and know no one in common. I’ve never even told anyone about him in my past or present. This creeps me out and fascinates me at the same time.

I fucked up lol in no situation to have a baby right now, whether it’s financial, my lifestyle, my career, the guy I fucked up with…

My period is hella late I’m terrified and I know I need to go book an abortion once my fears are confirmed, I feel bad. I’ve wanted a baby since I was a freaking baby but ugh

I was maybe 11 years old. My aunt had been incarcerated for parental kidnapping and had been on the run for about 3 years. She got parole and had to come live with us, we lived in a little trailer and everything she did made me so angry. She would start arguments with me, act threatening, and be inconsiderate. We have a cat that we had then that I love so much still, and about 5 months into her staying with us my mom allowed her old dog to be moved to our house without thinking about my cat or asking me. I feel like she should’ve, I lived there and we barely had enough room for the cat. I remember my cat was always so stressed, it made me so mad. He’d always cower and cry in my room and hiss at the dog but nobody would do anything. A few weeks in my cat seemed so lethargic and depressed, he wouldn’t eat lots or play. One day they left me at home to go out for the night and I watched the dog snap at my cat. I remember getting just so angry and upset that nobody ever defended me from her, that nobody defended my cat or asked me what I wanted so I wrapped my hands around its throat and choked it. The dog was so old and we expected it to die so I left it in the living room and when they got home I acted like I had been sleeping. I don’t know if she ever suspected me, I’m 17 now and she lives like 4 blocks from us. I don’t care, I’d kill the stupid thing a million times over it was hurting my cat. Sometimes I feel weird that I don’t even feel bad but I’ve never been a really emotional person. I’ve never really been able to catch the appropriate mood at funerals so I could frown or act sad, sometimes jokes and happy moods just seem dull to me. I don’t know, I guess I’ve always just been wired differently and it’s always creeped me out a little. When I was a kid I was always so confused why people were crying or happy or disgusted. I’m better at masking now, but it’s so exhausting to pretend all the time 24/7.

Edit: I decided to do a social experiment. I was going to post this and see how many hate comments or butt hurt people in the comment section cry racism about this post. If you wouldn't date a black person just because they're black and black people are bad people (which isn't true) you're racist. This was a post for my fellow white people to open up their damn eyes. As a white person that's an ally to marginalized communities I've heard so many racist comments shared to me by other white people. I call them out because I think their comments are disgusting. I heard about 5 different white people say the N word to me in private and I'd call them out. I heard white people tell me Hispanic neighborhoods are dangerous even though Hispanic people commit wayyy less crimes than white people. I also had a white person tell me yesterday say they hate Indian people because they are taking up their space and smell while waiting in line. I also had a white person tell me when they saw a black lives matter sign saying "Are you fucking kidding me?" I call these people out all the time and I'm sick of it.

TLDR: Stop being racist especially white people

I've (F22) only ever been in relationships with white people. They've all done shitty things to me. I went on a couple of dates with this really great guy who isn't white and he was the only one that didn't treat me like garbage. The only reason I couldn't go on any more dates with him is cuz I moved away to work on my mental health and get a change of scenery. I'm bisexual and I've dated a white woman and she traumatized me as well. So it's not just white men it's white women too. Especially since the majority of white people voted for trump ya gotta be a white quaker (my religion) or just not christian to date me. I can't deal with my race anymore. All us white people do is rape and stalk and have the nastiest fetishez and pressure others into it. I can't deal with the disrespect anymore. I probably won't date a man again unless he's a quaker or just not Christian or he's not white. But preferably not white and quaker. I'm most likely going to end up with a girl but she can't be white unless she is quaker or not Christian. I can't do this anymore. This is a fuck you to every white person that voted for trump. I know I don't sound the most quaker rn but that's cuz I'm hurt. I'm hurt big time. Thank you for reading my rant.

EDIT: I hate that you can’t edit a damn title here. It’s supposed to say CAN ANY OF THIS BE REAL?

I’m an older guy, married, grown kids. I have a professional job, and most people think I’m an upstanding citizen.

But marriage is completely stale, and i come on here every now and then and look for women to chat with. Some’s been pretty hot, indulging some of my secret fantasies, but, of course, these things burn hot and fast, and before you know it, she’s ghosted me or I’ve ghosted her.

Lately, though, I met this woman on here I just can’t shake. She’s so fun and intelligent and kind and, dammit, hot.

I’ve caught feelings for her, and while it’s fun and exhilarating, it’s scary as hell. First, because what if I decide to pursue this in person? Second, what if she just disappears?

I know how stupid this sounds. I was looking to get off, and now it’s an emotional affair. Am i crazy?

So this has been brewing and has made me less happy and more depressed for a while and I wanted to get it off my chest. So we met in sixth grade and hit it off and since then we have been inseparable but the reasons we hit it off were the fact that both liked anime, and video games and had similar humor. But maybe a year or two ago he started to change from liking anime and games to never playing, only watching shows when he was sick, and getting more focused on girls he also started to drink more be out, and hang out with others more and me only being someone who stands in the shadows watching and waiting until nobody else is around for him to be with. Now this is where the problems started i have always been introverted and shy/weird around girls so when he starts hanging out with a ton of people I don't know and dragging me along I get scared and don't talk and seen as "weird" so he never invites me. But the problems sorta started in ninth grade but rocketed when we went off to gymnasium so I went from hanging out with him every day to maybe seeing him once a week and whenever I would plan something he would show up late or cancel at the last minute or do something the day before and be too tired to hang out. An example of this was about 2 months ago when I had planned a sleepover with another of our common friends and I had bought booze I had gotten my parents out of the house which is super rare and everything was supposed to be great then he pulls up to my house at 16 when I had told him to be here 13 and his excuse was that he was too tired our other friend had already been there for 3 hours so I put on a movie and then I leave too cook food and from out of nowhere another one hsi friends pulls up to none of my attention and as we're eating he tells me he's gonna go to a party for one of his friends and will be back at about 02:00 so I tell him that I had planned this and bought booze and he came up with a bullshit excuse so I ask if I can join which I was allowed and when we arrive and start drinking I get 1 sip from the booze I paid half of so I leave early. But the reason I am writing this is that today we were supposed to have a scream marathon which I have been planning since late September and was supposed to happen at Halloween but instead, he left for some party that some random girl was hosting and so we shot it up to the weekend which he couldn't do either. So today he arrived at my house 1 hour late then we got to watching the first then we went to buy pizza then we got back we each had 6 cider he wanted to drink them all now immediately and when I told him we should save it and that this night was not for us to get really drunk and watch a movie we were supposed to relax and have fun witch he said but now when I told him we should drink all in one go he got mad then I turn on the second movie 20 minutes in he falls asleep so I wake him up then he starts to text his girl and says their meeting later then goes back to sleep he slept through the entire movie and I let him thinking that he would be refreshed and ready for the next one same goddamn story for the 3rd which I turned off 1 hour in and just left.

I don't know what to do. He's the only friend I hang out with since my other friends are online or don't go outside. I don't laugh much when I'm with him anymore, not unlike my other friend at the gymnasium. I hate myself and think I'm selfish because he's made new friends and developed as a person, but it's just that he developed away from me. I do know what to do because I don't want to lose him.

P.S Sorry if there are any misspellings english is not my first language and I am kinda frustrated

I go about my day under a huge blanket of dread. I have TRD and have exhausted all my options. I refer to this as terminal depression. I frequently contemplate just ending things, but I'm a bit of a chicken. I just go to bed hoping I don't have to wake up in the morning.

I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about this. Can't talk to my sister because she's battling health issues and trying to regain strength. Can't talk to my friend because between taking care of various family members and being the only one holding the household together, he's already overextended. Yeah, there's always my doc or therapist. Since they are mandated reporters, all I'm going to get out of that is a week in the hospital. Besides, the therapist I had been seeing left the practice. I was warned it would be happening, just not when. Just one day she didn't log into the virtual meeting and that was it. I recently found another therapist. After two sessions he's now reported as unlicensed in my state.

And yeah, I know I'm whining and that other people have it worse. I just don't have anyone else to tell that I'm just pretending to be ok.

I've been married for 12 years, we have three children, everything is going well but for over a year I've been sleeping with a girl from work... I literally can't keep my hands off her, she's really nothing special apart from big boobs... She's getting married in a few months so maybe it will have to end

I’m 17, I’ve known Im not straight for ages, I always just considered myself bisexual because it felt easier than saying I was gay. But I have only ever felt attraction to older men for as long as I can really remember. I used to get “crushes” on my dad’s friends and that just continued on as I got older. I’m so fucking angry at myself for being like this and I’m just fucking angry at myself that il never be able to have the same relationship experience that everyone else around me seems to be having because im not a normal straight boy

if someone would be so kind to dm me so I can share it with them rather than posting it. it is a nsfw confession if that means anything to anyone

I miss him. I’ve had other lovers since but no one compares. I still want him back. I wish I knew how to find him

Women said abortion rights were their biggest concern on Tuesday. They said Kamala would protect them even though Roe v Wade was overturned while she was in office and Obama refused to codify abortion rights when he had several chances.

Women demanded that gay men like me vote for Kamala to protect abortion rights even though women are of no use to me. They are more of a nuisance that gets a smack from me every now and then. Women said that they are special and they come first.

Yet they ended up voting for Trump. It's very typical woman behavior. They try to get men to do their dirty work for them and for free. It didn't work though. Even women are willing to put a price tag on their the very same sex organs that they want me to protect for free.

It's all good though. It's a great feeling seeing two feminist bitches getting their ass beat by a noted misogynist like Trump. I bet even Taylor Swift voted for Trump too.

But keep it up. Keep sitting in the corner of the room crying that you deserve respect and that men won't do your dirty work. You all are just getting fatter, broker and older with each day.

I just want to write this out, my confession, no one would confess such things but I confess, I am such a terrible person.

I know there no other man in this world can love me more than my husband loves me. I used to abused him so bad, had it another man I would have go to jail.

I have stop abused him.
And this was the last time I abused him too. I think back about it and I still scare, I have PTSD everytime I think back of this incident.

IED is Intermittent Anger Explosive Disorder.

A while back, there was one time my IED episode outburst happened while we eating on dinner table, he was eating vermicelli noodle so we use chopstick. No, it was not disposable wooden chopstick, it the melamine hard material chopsticks that you use to cook rice and wash and reuse, it a HARD chopsticks and long.

My IED episode outburst, I shove the chopsticks while he was eating noddles down his mouth down his throat. You know the body natural reactions is the tongue will try to protect the throat, so the chopsticks cut a hole in his tongue, massive bleeding from his tounge.

omg his tougue just flow out red blood out his mouth, you know the tongue is sensitive alot of nerves. Right there I went into PANIC attack I started shaking and cried. I am sure it hurts, he was bleeding out of his mouth red blood, but he not even care of the pain, he just hugged me while blood were coming out of his tongue and mouth, and he said it is okay. I was shaking like a leaf, I was scare of jail.

I use a whole box of Kleenex tissues try to stop the bleeding but it won't because the tongue has alot of sensitive nerves, it easily bleed, it took a whole day till it ceased bleeding. He called off work that day. That night he has a 103 degrees fever, from the tongue bruise and bleeding.

Next morning his tongue was bruise and there a dent hole. He can't eat anything but soup for a week.! And his tongue still has a scar. I gave him this scar.

It painful I am sure, your tongue is sensitive, I poke a hole in his tongue from me shove the chopstick down his mouth while he eat noodles. I type this again I just want to cry.
That night he has a fever due to his tongue were bleeding so much. It took one day for his tongue stop bleeding, but he couldn't eat solid food for a week.!

I was so scare, I no longer abused him, nor let my outburst flare up, I still got PTSD from this incident of how I abused him. This was the incident that got me to stop abused him. I still get PTSD flashback from this.

He loves me so he always kind to me, and I took his love and his kindness for granted.

I did apologize to him and told him I don't want to abuse him anymore, and asked if he mad at me. He said he never mad at me, and what is there to be mad between and a husband and wife, he said thank you (for not abuse him anymore) and he said it is not too late, he said he still alive so it not too late.

I regret my abuse, it was so bad, I'm indeed a very lucky woman to have such a man who can endure this abuse from me.

And this is a man that makes over 200K a year, debt-free, pay off his house in cash with his working money, and drive a luxury SUV, and born in USA, so he citizenship the day he born. He can go find another woman easily. But he stays with me out of love me. My lucky here is not he has money, but I avoid jail time, because he loves me.

I don't know why I feel the need to do it. I just had this anger in me for the past week and it all boiled over. I feel ashamed, embarrassed and a failure. I'd be dead by now if it wasn't for the fact I don't want to hurt the people who care about me

Thanks for all you’ve filled me in on. Really appreciate it. Smfh

Hey so sometimes I have dreams in which people hurt my gf or family or just people I love in general and I do inimaginable things to them like twisting their legs off or ripping their jaws off and stuff like this. However i never have these thoughts when I am awake. The most I think of is slaping someone that really annoys me but thats it. I dont want to hurt people but I know I could if i had to, however I couldnt murder someone as long as they dont murder someone or love i guess. Any thoughts on this?

Obudziłem się dziś rano i znalazłem mojego sześcioletniego syna na kanapie, w pełni ubranego i gotowego do szkoły, godzinę przed tym, zanim miał wstać.

Zapytałem: "Hej, kolego, co robisz tak wcześnie na nogach?"

Odpowiedział: "Przez przypadek zmoczyłem łóżko dziś rano, około czwartej, i próbowałem cię obudzić, ale nie mogłem. Więc zdjąłem pościel, położyłem ją przy pralni i przebrałem się. Potem przyszedłem tutaj."

Podziękowałem mu za to, że się tym zajął, i powiedziałem, żeby się nie martwił. Wszystko wyczyścimy i przygotujemy jego łóżko później. Następnym razem upewnij się, że pójdziesz do toalety przed snem. Wypadki się zdarzają. Bla, bla, bla, itd.

A potem wstał i przygotował śniadanie.

Zrobiłem kawę i gdy tak siedziałem, przeszła mi przez myśl pewna myśl. Jestem zazdrosny o tego dzieciaka.

Ten moment przeniósł mnie z powrotem do czasu, gdy byłem w jego wieku, przypominając sobie, jak sam moczyłem łóżko.

Ale moim pierwszym instynktem nie było budzenie rodziców. Skądże, oni by mnie solidnie ukarali.

Zamiast tego poszedłem do łazienki, wziąłem rolkę papieru toaletowego i próbowałem wysuszyć przemoczoną pościel.

Ponieważ wiedziałem, że jeśli rodzice się dowiedzą, będę miał duże kłopoty, a byłem ich przerażony.

Mój syn nie musi żyć z takim strachem.

Zamiast tego próbował mnie obudzić, a kiedy mu się nie udało, sam się tym zajął.

I chciałbym, żebym w jego wieku czuł takie bezpieczeństwo i pewność, jakie on teraz czuje.Obudziłem się dziś rano i znalazłem mojego sześciolatka na kanapie, w pełni ubranego i gotowego do szkoły, godzinę przed tym, zanim miał wstać.

Zapytałem: "Hej, kolego, co robisz tak wcześnie na nogach?"

Odpowiedział: "Przez przypadek zmoczyłem łóżko dziś rano, około czwartej, i próbowałem cię obudzić, ale nie mogłem. Więc zdjąłem pościel, położyłem ją przy pralni i przebrałem się. Potem przyszedłem tutaj."

Podziękowałem mu za to, że się tym zajął, i powiedziałem, żeby się nie martwił. Wszystko wyczyścimy i przygotujemy jego łóżko później. Następnym razem upewnij się, że pójdziesz do toalety przed snem. Wypadki się zdarzają. Bla, bla, bla, itd.

A potem wstał i przygotował śniadanie.

Zrobiłem kawę i gdy tak siedziałem, przeszła mi przez myśl pewna myśl. Jestem zazdrosny o tego dzieciaka.

Ten moment przeniósł mnie z powrotem do czasu, gdy byłem w jego wieku, przypominając sobie, jak sam moczyłem łóżko.

Ale moim pierwszym instynktem nie było budzenie rodziców. Skądże, oni by mnie solidnie ukarali.

Zamiast tego poszedłem do łazienki, wziąłem rolkę papieru toaletowego i próbowałem wysuszyć przemoczoną pościel.

Ponieważ wiedziałem, że jeśli rodzice się dowiedzą, będę miał duże kłopoty, a byłem ich przerażony.

Mój syn nie musi żyć z takim strachem.

Zamiast tego próbował mnie obudzić, a kiedy mu się nie udało, sam się tym zajął.

I chciałbym, żebym w jego wieku czuł taką bezpieczeństwo i pewność, jaką on teraz czuje.

This isn't for sympathy or pity. Honestly, that just makes me uncomfortable.

This is to vent. I can't afford therapy, so maybe getting my thoughts out there will make me feel the tiniest bit better.

Also this isn't at all about the election, so I'd appreciate it if you could keep out anything political if you feel like commenting.

I've thought about ending my life near daily since I was eleven. Even on days that are going well or when I'm having a good time, it lingers in the back of my mind. All it takes is a second or so of silence, and I'm put right back into that way of thinking. It's pervasive, like a dark shadow looming over my brain. Kind of like when you put part of a paper towel in water and it just takes it over completely. There are times when I can't think about anything else.

My life hasn't been too bad, or at least I don't think so.

But sometimes I wish that I had it worse.

I feel like I'm a burden. That everyone hates me on bad days, and merely tolerates me on good ones. I can't help but feel like everybody's mad or annoyed at me all the time, because it genuinely feels that way.

I'm going insane. I can't have a conversation with anybody without it turning negative or turning into some kind of lecture. I try to be optimistic, just so I can keep my head on straight. But with the way people respond it always makes me feel like an idiot. Like how dare I just want feel better about one of the various unfortunate things happening in my life right now—even if it is just a placebo.

I get this crushing feeling that I'll never be happy. Ever.

And it doesn't help that I never thought I'd make it this far. I never envisioned a life after High School because I thought I would have taken my own life by now. And now, nearly 5 years after graduation I don't know what to do with myself. People would ask me what I wanted to do for a job—I never had an answer. I still don't.

I graduated in 2020, and I know many people feel stunted because of covid. But honestly I feel like I would have felt like this the either way.

I want to have kids someday. But I really can't imagine making it that far. Feels like I can't see past the next couple of days without my sight being clouded.

I feel like a final destination character—like I somehow cheated death and I shouldn't be here. Like somewhere along the way I should have died but I didn't. Feels like by simply living, I'm doing something wrong.

I don't like feeling this way, I don't want to feel this way, but I don't know what other way to feel. I don't remember feeling anything else.

My life's not good, but sometimes I wish it was harder. If my circumstances were different, it wouldn't be so hard for me to end things. Because my mind tells me that's what would be best for everyone. That I should just get it over with.

I don't know how the people in my life really see me. I don't know who would really be affected, or who would be sad for a day and then move on. My mind tells me that everyone would feel like, "Oh, at least I don't have to deal with her anymore."

But I still feel guilty. I still feel selfish for even thinking about committing suicide. That I'm just overreacting, or that I never grew out of that teenage phase of being overdramatic.

I wish that I didn't have any friends or family in my life, so I wouldn't feel that guilt. I'd just be able to do it.

But I can't. Because that would be selfish of me.

My cousin had one of her family members that she was really close too, commit suicide when we were young. I remember how that affected her. She was the one that gifted me the gun that I would use. We're not as close as we used to be, but I can't do that to her.

My younger brother is slowly recovering from his own mental issues—suicidal ideation and self-harming behavior. I know for some odd reason he looks up to me. I don't deserve it. I love him though. I wouldn't want him following my example. He has a lot of great things ahead of him. True potential that I've never had.

Both my dad and my grandmother have dealt with a lot of loss but if I'm being honest I think they do better without me. Maybe, truthfully, it's not how they mean it, but often it feels like they wish I was dead. I think I'm just a burden to both of them. Physically and emotionally. They wouldn't have to worry about me anymore. It's gone so far that I don't know if that's my delusion or if that's the truth.

I haven't talked to my mom in years, and I don't think she ever really loved me. She married a man and has four children in a different state. I don't even know if those kids know they have a sister that's almost a decade older than each of them.

I think the one that would be most affected will be my best friend. I'm supposed to be the maid of honor in her wedding. It doesn't have a date yet, but sometimes I don't know if I'll make it that far. It feels selfish to think that I make that much of a difference in her life. That things would be worse for her if I was gone.

It doesn't feel right to say that I matter to other people. It feels like I'm being over dramatic about my importance in the world. That people would say that I'm a bitch for having that much of an ego. I don't really matter. I don't think anybody really cares about me.

It feels weird to post this, but I'm going to force myself to anyway. It feels wrong. Like people will just make fun of me for thinking that anyone would give a shit. I've felt like that my whole life. That my pain and anxiety is just me being a child.

I used to be scolded as a child for "crying at everything", but I can't cry unless I'm shut up by myself. I can't share my feelings with anybody without feeling like an idiot. I could never share my true feelings with my own father or even my best friend. It feels like I'm just vying for attention. That I'm being fake.

I wish this was easier. I know that if I really was to go through with it I'd be dead so I wouldn't care anyway, but I can't help it overthink every little detail of it. I don't think I'll ever feel any different.