(forgive my rambling im autistic and feel the need to overexplain my identity due to transphobia) im transmasculine and genderqueer/genderfluid, and am a lesbian. i used to think i was a trans man and medically transitioned a bit and i pass as a cis man, which is totally great! as much as sometimes i feel like a "woman" (moreso a butch lesbian specifically than a "woman," though im always a butch), ive known since i was a little girl that i wanted to be masculine, and transitioning to male is a pretty masculine thing to do. im comfortable with myself and dont see myself ever detransitioning, in fact im hopefully getting top surgery this year (:

however, i do pass as a cis man. i also dont present feminine at all. im very much a hard butch. and when i post selfies in lesbian subreddits that arent butch-centric, i usually get downvoted. and i know no one comments anything (because its against the rules), but i know its because im trans and transitioned

it makes me pretty upset because these places specifically have rules against transphobia and theres still transphobes there. i dont think random people online have the right to feel uncomfortable because of the way i affirm my gender and present myself, especially if i dont know them and am not talking to them

idk, i have a lot of experience with people being weird to me as a hard butch lesbian. and i know it doesnt really matter because its just online, but it makes me feel really unwelcome in the community

I decided to go pretty last minute and definitely don’t have time or money to get a suit I’d actually like now. Any ideas?

I've been looking for a good strap on/dildo for awhile now. A few years ago I got to see and touch a dual density vixskin one, and fell in love, but it's more than I want to spend. TPE is not an option for me, I am super health conscious and sensitive to things. Dear Rabbit seemed too good to be true, and I only found one other reddit post that said it wasn't a scam. All of the other reviews are only on their website. It's dual density 100% silicone, and super realistic looking! I took a chance and bought the harness and dildo set for less than $60! I was a little nervous, it took a few days for them to ship it. Once it shipped I got it within two days, less than a week after I ordered it.

I love it! I can't believe how realistic it looks and feels. There was zero odor out of the box. I bought an inexpensive 100% silicone STP years ago that still smells so I was super relieved. I read that things can be 100% silicone, but there can be harsh chemicals used in the mold making which is the odor. Anyway, this has zero odor and feels so real. The balls are the least real feeling part of it- they're a little hard, but everything else really feels close to flesh. I am so excited!

Now I just need a girlfriend, lol.

Howdy! Ive been dealing with pretty gnarly chest related dysphoria like issues for most of my life. I’ve been pretty set on the idea of getting something done for a few years, but now that it’s going to be something i can do in the next couple of years, I wanted some opinions.

I currently have C/D cups depending on band size, and i would like to be an A or smaller. I would be equally happy with very small or no breasts. Based on things like recovery, cost, and complications, would it be better to look into a reduction or top surgery?

Thanks!

As the title suggests, I am wondering if I could hear from other stone butches if I could hear about what that means for you. I feel like I resonate with being stone, however I havent been able to talk with anyone else who also identifies that way, so maybe my interpretation is off. Basically my favorite part of sex is pleasing my girlfriend. Going down on her, using the strap, etc. On the receiving end, I will absolutely not do any penetration of any sort. While I am comfortable with my current girlfriend of almost 7 years touching me otherwise, if I ever were to have sex with someone else I wouldn’t want that at all, and I don’t know if I would even want to open up that way again. Do any other stone butches feel similarly?

Hi all! I'm reaching out for advice on this question because I'm sure you'll know best about this. I recently started my first relationship (I am deliriously happy about it, she's a very smart and interesting person and also beautiful and I could go on for hours, I feel very lucky) but my girlfriend identifies as femme and she considers me butch. I never thought of myself as butch though, so I want to know if I should correct her or if she's right about this. The truth is that I do wear men's clothes almost exclusively, and I will cut my hair short as soon as I find someone I can trust to do it well, and I generally try to be "chivalrous" in some sense which I know is masculine. But I'm also pursuing a very stereotypically feminine job, which is teaching, and I have never put any real effort into being masculine (I know people perceive me that way, but I'm really just trying to be comfortable in my own skin and this is how I feel comfortable in my skin). I have always been this way. So do I "count" as butch or not?

I'm seeing my long distance girlfriend for the first time in THREE LONG YEARS right now and I'm so absolutely over the moon. I'm hanging over her so much with hugs and arms around them and tons and tons of cuddling. Feeling like a total teddy bear butch 🥺. Any other butches absolutely looooove cuddling/physical affection?

Ever since I’ve moved out of my parent’s house I’ve been exploring my gender expression and how I really want to dress. Growing up my father would make snide comments towards me whenever I would dress masculine, so I had stopped completely. I enjoy dressing as masc and fem, but I’ve always felt uncomfortable in my skin whenever I would have the desire to dress masc and I felt like I couldn’t. Now I’m trying to find my style by changing my makeup routine and how I dress, but I still feel I do not look masculine enough and it’s making me feel a bit dysphoric. I want people to see me and confuse me as a pretty guy sometimes ya know ? I’ve been struggling with it a lot recently and I’m not sure how to make myself look more masculine. I’m also going to be lifting weights soon so I hope that helps ! Also if I can send someone how I do my makeup for more tips and advice that would be great ! If anyone has any suggestions to leave in the comments please do :)

I can’t bind because it’s extremely hot where I live and my mother also wouldn’t let me (I’m 19 but I live with her so. Her house her rules.) my hair is short but my friend said it still looks feminine when it’s curly and my hair naturally is. I also have a baby face and really ‘soft’ features which sucks. I’m 5’3. I wish I was taller. I feel like I never look masculine no matter what I do and it makes me really sad. I feel hopeless sometimes. Is there anything I can do to feel/look more masculine?

I usually prefer binders, but I do seasonal work that gets pretty sweaty and physical so it would be very uncomfortable to bind. I have a few sports bras for work, but I dislike most of them for different reasons. In order of priority, here’s what I’m looking for:

1. Doesn’t ride up into my armpits. The fruit of the loom sports bras I have all do this, and it’s the WORST.

2. Reasonably priced. I’m a broke college student, so anything that comes in like a 5 pack on amazon for $50 or less is ideal.

3. Decent compression. I have a smaller chest so most sports bras help a bit, but some of the really high cotton content ones just don’t flatten me as much as I’d like. A cheap sports bra is never gonna be as good as a binder, but I’d like some bras that have a bit more compression to keep everything from bouncing around.

I’ve looked through some of the old posts on here for sports bra recs but I haven’t seen anybody talking about whether they ride up in the armpits, and that’s a big issue for me. Any help is appreciated!!

Just came across to a video saying this type of thing. How "In the future, when there will be no gender roles, everyone will be bi/pan", and it was kinda putting being multi as more evolved socially.

I don't know, it's just weird.

Dear all, I literally have a luxury problem – I recently invested in a nice suit and loafers, but am struggling to find a suitable bag that would work with my masc style. I've been looking at small / nano designer bags for men; vegan would obviously be a huge plus, but I will consider leather if necessary.

The best recommendation so far (from a gay male friend):
https://www.ysl.com/en-en/camp-small-camera-bag-in-grained-leather-647179DTI0Z1000.html

My budget is max. 1100 USD, although I'm in Europe where some brands might be more accessible / expensive.

I went on an awesome date with a femme woman and showed up to our second date really feeling myself — I felt charming, masc, myself… first thing she said when she saw me was, in fact, “aww look at your cute little blazer!” And I just wanted to sink into the floor. It just made me feel like the opposite of how I want to be perceived… small and cutesy.

I’m seeing her again because the first date was so good but I’m sort of wary even though I know it’s such a small thing... Have you guys ever had a girl just not “get” how to compliment you and affirm you at the same time? It feels so goofy to bring it up to her. Maybe I’m hoping the person for me just intuitively “gets” my gender presentation vibes.

Edit: thank you everyone for all the advice! I am seeing her tonight and I’m going to mention it to her in a really light way. She definitely was trying to be kind, it just isnt what feels good to me.

But im afraid the straight world will say i'm ugly again as they did before. Idk i'm also kinda scared to be treated diffrently but than again i really want to be myself and express my true self. A bunch of friends of my narcisstic mother where saying i was 'bald' (it was just a pixie cut), or that i now looked like my brother (i don't) or they started being offended and ask why i had short hair. My brother said it didnt looked good on me and my parents where really akward and uncomfertable when i came out to them and they made it a taboo topic. Even tho my own father is a closet bi/gay man 🤷🏻‍♀️ all those ppl arent the right environment for me. I just want to be myself and just believe in myself. And actually have friends who don't make me feel like a outsider. And i still want to get a short hair cut and just wear trouwsers/pants, tshirts, hoodies, and button ups. Jackets, speakers. I just really hate have to look feminine or having to wear a dress so now i become 36 i decided i only want to do what i want to do.

it’s with such a heavy heart and with a lot of shame that i’m typing this out. in january, i matched with a very gorgeous woman on hinge. at the moment, she lived 3 hours away in a different city but was currently in my city for a couple of days. as we started talking through Facetime and getting to know each other through text, she decided to move to my city permanently. at first, everything was great once we started going on dates once she was here and we’d see each other very often. soon though, it became very apparent that she’s very mentally ill and it seeped through our relationship quickly. within weeks, it felt as if she was extremely dependent on me.

for context, im a 20 year old butch lesbian who lives with their homophobic parents and cannot completely exercise their autonomy. i have a family who depends on me financially and i also have college, and work, and just a lot on my plate overall. my partner is a 19 year old who lives alone and unfortunately does not have a support system. this is a significant problem in our relationship. family and friends are just as crucial to me as romantic connections, if not more, but my partner does not feel the same way. within a month, they’ve claimed i’m their entire world and a huge reason why they’ve moved to my city in the first place. this was really scary to hear as someone who’s actively working towards not being avoidant, but i know she’s being genuine and not love bombing, she’s just lonely.

because my partner does not have a support system, they want to spend every second with me. i have stretched myself thin to attempt to see her everyday for a couple of hours but it’s not enough for her. she complained i only see her 4 hours a day but even that is a bit of a sacrifice for me in terms of responsibility since i have to neglect other areas of my life to make time. i thought it was normal to see your partner 3 times a week but apparently it’s not, and she wants constant contact. we’d argue if i can’t see her one day and it’s a huge stressor. she’s constantly vocalizing how alone she feels all the time and how she believed moving down here would help her escape depression and how disappointed she it hasn’t. but it’s been less than 4 months. i know a person can’t single handedly cure someone’s illness but i feel so guilty it feels that she moved down here for me and i can’t provide what she needs and she feels miserable because of it. i also feel so under appreciated for all the effort i’m constantly giving despite my own issues at home.

recently, she’s been expressing her constant suicidal urges and it’s been taking a toll on me. i’m scared constantly it’ll be the last time i hear from her after we argue over the smallest things. i can’t be there at night to protect her from herself and it kills me to feel so negligent and incompetent due to my own familiar issues that make it difficult to be with her often, even if we only live 20 minutes apart. i know my lack of availability plays a huge role in her declining mental health and i’ve decided to end the relationship. it’s also for selfish reasons as well, im always worried and anxious now, worried that the smallest inconvenience will lead to my partner considering ending her life every night. she goes on rants discussing how she feels unloved and alone, even as im right there. i suffer from depression as well and have been suicidal for most of my life up until a year ago where i learned to find happiness and have been extremely content, until now. i feel my own thoughts coming back as i hear her express her feelings, and the sense of self hate is creeping back in my mind. im losing hair and my face has completely broken out.

but yet, ending the relationship is the last thing id like to do. after only four months, i truly do care and love her, and don’t want to be with anyone else. as a butch, she makes me feel on top of the world when she’s in a good mood and i feel extremely loved when she’s not plagued by her illness. she’s the most kind, beautiful, loving being but the downs are consuming our relationship. we have had so many arguments for such a short period of time and im quickly reaching my breaking point. it’s so hard to have come to this decision knowing ill never find someone as perfect as her, but i can’t give her what she deserves. i can’t stay awake all night every night wondering if it’s the last time ive heard from her, or if she’s hurt herself. she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but im afraid i don’t have the capacity to be the person she needs me to be, and im so extremely drained. i know im a shiity person for thinking i can be with someone suicidal and then letting them down and leaving them alone, but i also can’t keep living like this. im afraid if i break up with her she’ll end her life, and just the thought of it devastates me to no end. i’m in such a predicament, it’s so hard loving someone who’s suffering so much. knowing all the love that’s being blinded by depression.

am i a horrible person for wanting to end the relationship with a sweet loving woman who’s extremely sick and dependent of me? i feel like a monster but i feel that i need to put my health first as well. any thoughts?

Being physically disabled I can't do heavy lifting or most physical activity and have to ask for help (emasculating honestly). I'm nearly 200 pounds so it's not a matter of being frail or skinny, just weak and chronically in pain. I also feel self conscious about not having more traditionally masculine interests. I'm transmasculine so there's an element of dysphoria there enjoying more "feminine" interests and having a "girly" room. All of that comes together to make me feel lesser as a butch, despite presenting fully as one. I look up to and wish I could be more like the strong down to earth butches I see.

Does anyone else struggle with not feeling "butch enough"?

I’ve recently began dressing more masc and was wondering if anyone had recommendations on sports bras that will help my shirt lay flatter? Specifically for 34 DD or around that size pls :)

Hi everyone, this is my first post here.

I'm an older teenager. I've known I was a lesbian since I was around ten. I learned the word for it when I was 11 or 12 and came out to my mother. She had no issues with me being gay, neither did my dad.

Obviously, as a teen, I've changed my style and appearance a lot over these last few years. Recently, I've realised that I really feel like myself in "mens" clothes. And I like wearing aftershave rather than perfume, and am interested in more masculine things, for example I spend a lot of my time doing DIY, or lifting weights--I want to look strong.

I'm not sure weather I Identify with the term "butch"-every person who calls themselves that has short hair, and It might sound silly, but I love my song hair, so I don't know if I could call myself that. I hope it's okay that I'm posting here.

Anyway. I recently went shopping with my mum and bought some black cargos from the mens section. My mum made a passive comment; "you're not gonna turn into one of those 'butch lesbians' are you?"

I laughed it off and said no, and have since felt really guilty for not liking many "girly" things anymore. I feel so terrible about being myself.

And what's more ironic is my mother's other passive comments, "would you not wear something like this?" "oh.. You're not wearing a dress to insert family member's wedding?"

She's built her brand around being "unapologetically you".. And now because of her I feel guilty for expressing myself?

Any similar stories or advice would be appreciated :)

When I first came out I was 15 years old. I realized I was gay when I first entered high school and was amazed by how beautiful the women were. Even as a kid I felt that I had something for girls I just didn’t know what it was. I really had no interest in guys(besides a crush or 2) but, pretended that I did to fit in lol. As a kid I always seen myself as the guy or the more masculine figure. No idea why I just did lol. Fast forward to now at 21 and it’s like I’ve unraveled my process. I’m more ashamed that I’m this masculine presenting, non-binary person. On top of that I deal with sexual orientation ocd. I was bullied and isolated because someone outed me. I think some of that trauma still resides.

I guess due to how society views me I never feel attractive. I don’t care about how guys feel because I’m not into them. However, I feel so self-conscious with women because I don’t feel like I’m enough for them. I try to imagine myself with a guy but, in my visions either I feel like the guy energetically or i can’t envision it at all. Then, I’ll say how would it feel to be with one romantically? Honestly, I feel like he would be my home boy. In my mind it’s like how could I not like guys I guess? I can wholeheartedly say someone is handsome but, I think the attraction is more so admiration. In a way I wish to embody that masculinity. Yet, guys tend to fall for me and I want to be taken seriously lol. It’s like no youre my friend. It’s not a lot of masc/butch people that talk about stuff like this so I feel alone.
Deep down I don’t think I want to end up with a man. I could do it but, Is that what i truly want? I don’t think so. I feel like Im hurting myself in a way. I always question why. Am i running from misoygny? Why do I want to “play” this masculone role? Am I just afraid to date guys? All of these questions man lol. All of this turmoil has caused me to forget my attraction to women because there’s always a storm happening inside. :/

It’s getting to be that time of year and I’m dying to get some swim trunks. Thanks to my beautiful thighs and butt, I have never had success with men’s bottoms of any kind. I usually wear around a women’s 18-20

I know tomboy x has some but I’ve heard the quality is lacking, and I’m a bit hesitant to order humankind as their return policy is store credit only. But if you love these, I’d love to hear it!

Fat butches, what are we wearing??

So. I’ve got a friend that I fell out of contact with for a good few years but reconnected with. And since then I’ve ended up PAINFULLY attracted to her. She was with me through the darkest parts of my life. She’s insanely funny and smart and pretty and I just wanna be around her all the time. But I’m pretty damn sure that she doesn’t like me the same way, and it’s really hard to get over that.

I think the biggest barrier is that it feels fated? I’m not even someone who really believes in fate, but we got back in touch via me accidentally texting her after YEARS of not reaching out because I was worried that maybe we’d grown too different/distant. I admitted that I’m crushing to her, but nothing came of it, so I’m currently planning to follow up on that by asking her directly if I should try to move on. I think that’d get me to stop fantasizing that maybe things could go somewhere. She’s just been crazy busy and it feels like something to not do via text, so I’ve been holding off on it.

I’ve managed to get over crushes in the past in a pretty healthy manner and reasonable time frame, but this one has been going strong no matter how much I tell myself to move on. If anyone has experience with this kind of thing, how have y’all managed to move on from super stubborn crushing? Any ideas other than my current plan?

I’ve been binding for a while and starting to notice that 1) my time-while-binding-before-pain is diminishing, and 2) my work schedule means I’m often out of the house and therefore want to bind for long period of time.

In an effort to avoid long term health problems, does anyone know a sports bra or compression top that isn’t a binder but provides decent hold and flattening power? The ones I have are just not doing it for my dysphoria.

I have a medium to large sized chest fwiw—probably double Ds.

And like, I don’t even pass as a guy like, whatsoever. Too short, curvy, etc for that. ( yes I’m bitter and dysphoric about it, lmao. Wish I could trade spots with a butch who wants her womanhood respected!) but oh my god whenever I wear shorts and have my hairy legs out all of a sudden I’m apparently too much of a “man” to be in the women’s restroom. But like, i sincerely doubt my hairy legs apparently make me too much of a guy. IMO it’s just condescending me. They think I’m too ugly to be a girl. Cus like, I try my damned hardest to at least be theyd in public cus I just genuinely prefer he/him and they/them to she/her. Like, I had this one dude talk smack and say he thought so was a “little girl” but when I wear shorts I’m now a little boy. I was literally older than him by a year.

I fucking hate being treated this way I’m apparently a child to my peers and also really ugly. Like, just today I had this lady be really rude and passive aggressive to me just for asking SOMEONE ELSE a fucking question. Probably cus I’m a dyke and autistic and it makes her uncomfortable or something.

Also, I get the bathroom shit is way more scary for trans ladies. So if any of yall read this I have so much solidarity and love for you all.

But, yeah I feel more safer and prefer family or gender neutral restrooms. Even though I prefer he/him I don’t actually like being around men much. But most women outside of queer ones want nothing to do with me and I’m just sick of this shit I once heard statistically people will treat butches like shit and damn if that doesn’t describe my life! I hate pitying myself or hyping up social anxiety but is it even a lie? I literally got made fun of today for asking a question like, my anxiety was correct. I’m just losing a will to be nice to others anymore because I feel like they see me as a pushover and why should I bend over backward for people who would likely treat me like shit anyways. I’m barely seen as an equal cus of my height

I'm looking to get a nice, casual bomber jacket for the spring/autumn seasons, but i'm failing miserably at finding places where I could get one that would actually fit me. men's jackets fit me perfectly - until my hips get involved and I can't even attempt to get it closed. with women's jackets, I'm struggling to find anything that isn't cropped or sparkly at this point. Where do you guys get your jackets? Any brands/stores that'd be reccomended? I'm in Europe but really I don't care where the shops are at this point.
edit: thanks for all the answers, i'm sure i'll find a nice one now! :D

I don't know if this is completely the right place to post this, but I was really hoping for some advice from older butches. I'm 24, nearly 25 and I've been out and very present in the queer community in my city for about 4 years now. And lately, I've been having a hard time in it. Throughout this time I've had relationships, situationships, flings, queer friends and big gay friend groups. And some of them have ended, some friendships have waned, I had a falling out with some people in the big gay friend group. And sometimes I just feel so much shame and guilt for the way things ended, I worry so much that there are people talking badly about me, about mistakes that I've made. Sometimes I feel more like an amalgamation of all my worst mistakes than a person at all. I can't seem to forgive myself for anything I've ever done wrong. I'm finding it hard to go out and enjoy my community because there's always someone that I'm not dying to see at an event, or an ex that makes me feel some kind of way, and it just sends me into this deep spiral of shame. I think about every instance that I've ever put my foot in my mouth, and it feels like pretty damn often. It makes me scared to develop deep connections with people because I just feel like I'm gonna screw it up. I don't know how to deal with these feelings, or even just accept that there are people out there that don't like me, whether it's because of me or some misconstrued conception of me. It makes me feel so unsettled and sad. I live in a big city but the queer scene isn't nearly as big as I just sometimes feel like I'm in high school again and I've been struggling with how to handle it all.

Usually i look for them and it's like neuron activated for seeing another butch but it feels like in the last month, month and a half I've seen tons more dudes with them on their belt loops than I had seen anyone wearing them previously. Has anyone else noticed this uptick? I'm in the UK

Hope everyone is having a fantastic Sunday. Resting and enjoying good food!