Hello, I have posted here before, but now I am wondering if I am a non-binary lesbian or if I am simply just a butch lesbian.

If you consider socialisation I feel I have been ousted of my assigned gender at birth, but I do not feel at home with men. So essentially on Christmas, I sit at the kids table. I may have been born a girl but I do not feel that I have become a woman, or at least in the way my other female family members have. Yet at the same time I do not feel that I am a man, because I think a lot of men love women for the love of other men, I love women/lesbians for the love of other women/lesbians.

This has also meant that I feel too young, when I actually am not, I have my own thoughts and desires but I keep looking for permission to act upon them, as if I am not of age as I do not think the majority of mainstream society see me as a woman nor a man but rather a third other thing that invites horrible attention, in all the ways you can think of.

I get mistaken for a man and a woman, a lot of people don’t know who I am and I get sir’ed then ma’am’ed and then just ignored. I also find a lot of people are intimidated by me or think that I am hitting on them, when in all actuality I am just trying to make friends. Is this a case of just straight people thinking everyone likes them?

I don’t feel at home in the traditional sense of womanhood nor manhood. But I do not feel that non-binary belongs to me as I do not present androgynous, nor do I feel inherently androgynous with no connection to either sex nor gender. My connection to womanhood is important to me in the sense that my proximity does make me affected by misogyny and I do fight for equal rights. My connection to manhood comes from the root of wanting to take up space and being allowed to be myself without being considered boisterous or aggressive, but still taken seriously as masculine without my sex being taken into the equation. But since I am not aggressive about my masculinity, it is watered down or just called a tomboy.

As for my physical body, I feel rather neutral towards it, I couldn’t care less if I had breasts or not, but I do think if they got bigger I would opt for a mastectomy. I do remember feeling sick as a teenager at the thought of them growing and wanting to ignore it, but eventually I had to accept them as part of my body. I remember mimicking my father in shaving his beard, I still secretly crave for that feeling, even if it did nothing to my actual face. Sexually I do not like penetration, if I were to be penetrated in any way, I would almost have to be forced into doing it either through power dynamics or actual physical restraints. It is a thought that makes me uncomfortable.

I have a lot of questions and a lot of confusion, I am okay with wandering the world as I am right now, but I do wonder if there is more, because I do crave the feeling of the sun on my chest, without it covered at all like when I was a child pre-puberty. Is this just puberty and its effects on my body? And as a consequence how society treats me? Does this mean this is how people will treat me for the rest of my life?

I only ever really feel comfortable or at home when I am amongst other queer people, where it is up to us to define who we are, and no one asks questions. I am just wondering if anyone has ever felt this way? I am not sure if I just need to seek out some elders.

If you got this far and have anything to say thank you.

So I'm relatively new to both butch-ness and sex, and I've been having trouble navigating that. Not to box myself in so soon, but I'm fairly sure that I'm stone. I have always kept my clothes on. I don't enjoy being touched. The few times I've tried it, I have ended up feeling terrible afterwards.

I've noticed that I often also feel bad during and/or after sex where I wasn't touched at all, though. Not as bad, but still bad and it puts a damper on the day. I'm not unwilling, I even initiate and I like being dominant. Recently, we were going to try something new (it doesn't involve me being touched, and I've been wanting to do it), but I stalled for a while and ended up crying, which is kind of embarrassing. I have no idea why, I just think it's related to being butch somehow.

I'm 20, I have a very long-term partner, and I don't have any sexual trauma. I don't think I'm asexual. Any advice?

Im considering maybe beeing seen as one but I have body dysmorphia and I think I would look bad with shirt boyish hair etc.

What is the sorta ideas of a butch and what could be one if you know what I mean?

and wow what joy! im literally so smiley about it. like i feel so good and happy

but also i didn't think i would be so turned on. woof.

anyway i dont have anyone to share this with irl so im posting here :3

confused orange cat masc? 🤠 i sent this to my friends and gf with zero context and they all said something along the lines of “you really do look like that” 😭 i just thought it was a funny meme not a call out lmaoooo

Something my therapist has repeatedly told me to do is write down the qualities I want in a partner.

I somewhat have a list done and some of the qualities I myself need to work on (how can you expect something you aren’t willing to give yourself?) but when I look at it: it’s just traits and never having been in a healthy relationship I don’t really know how those traits are exhibited or shown in a healthy relationship. Ie. Loyalty, Honesty, Being Desired, Psychological Safety

I tend to confuse shitty behavior for love, and generally seem okay accepting way less than I deserve. Like that song: “he hit me and it felt like a kiss”.

For those of you that are in happy, healthy relationships: what green flags did you see on your first few dates and how did your partner exhibit them in their actions?

Hey everyone, I’ve noticed I’ve struggled a lot with comparing myself with other mascs, studs, butches, etc, especially if they are really attractive or just interesting. It does make me feel insecure about myself.

If anyone else experiences this, how do you handle it?

I’m 21F and have been dealing with a lot of complex identity feelings for awhile now. Currently butch identity has been really resonating with me, but I’m struggling with feeling that I “can’t” be butch because I consider myself frail and weak. I don’t think that people would look at me and immediately think that I was butch, and I feel very insecure — constantly thinking that I’m “faking” (whatever that means) or am secretly cis/straight. I have pure O OCD and know this imposter syndrome is probably borne from that, but I’m wondering if anyone has any advice for feeling “not butch enough”. Is this a common problem? Can anyone relate? Can you self-describe as a butch or does someone need to like, anoint you??? Any help is appreciated 😭

I feel bad complaining about my mum like this bc she is great in most ways & we are v close. She has had a v difficult life w a lot of coercive abuse from various people, especially my estranged father. Bc of this, she worries a lot about me, & this can spill over into suffocation. Since I was v young, she's always thought I look best w long hair. Otoh I agree it can look nice long, but it isn't me. I've got a bob now, & she moans about it all the time, the way she talks you'd think I'd shaved my head. She knows I'm bi (but not that I'm febfem) & her attitude zigzags between being cool w it & sad that I didn't tell her before, and giving quite an icked out vibe (which she'd sporadically displayed before, the reason I didn't tell her). I still give the impression that I'd consider a relationship w a boy, as I'm trying to ease her round slowly.

I think her discomfort is a bit like other straight women who suffer in relationships w men, & then in some way seem to envy their daughters getting by happily without men. & also resenting not having a mini me? She's not even that feminine herself, & she has actually dated women before I was born, it's all v hypocritical..

When I go to uni soon, I want to get a really short & recognisably wlw haircut, not sure which yet. She's repeatedly warned me not to cut it any more & I have no doubt there will be a .. reaction if I do.

A further issue is that she has got v heavily into mainly US conspiracy videos (we're UK), incl homophobic & esp transvestigation ones. She sees all celebrities as secretly trans & believes a trans cult is going to take over the world. She fears esp they've invested the unis & keeps worrying I'll be recruited through being drugged or something (I don't even drink!). I'm honestly lost on the details. I know this makes her sound awful but she's v vulnerable from trauma, the real fault lies w the video hucksters making money off her imo. I've confronted her about the homophobic ones, & she said she didn't agree w them but thought the same people were right about transvestigation 🙄

I generally like butch/masc or at least tomboyish girls. As you might guess, I want to take a break from all this & just focus on making friends at the start of uni. But eventually I do hope to get a gf, & there's no q that my mum will have to get over herself at this point. I can imagine a reaction if I turned up at home w an obvious Sapphic haircut, but w another girl w similar haircut, I dread to imagine what the reaction would be..

So anyway, I'm thinking that before I go home, I'll save up money for a high-quality long-haired wig just my shade. My mum is v used to spotting wigs- or, ahem, thinks she is- & I can imagine that if she noticed it was a wig, this would convince her the trans cult had got me. But if she didn't, it would solve all the problems. One of my friends is training to be a therapist.. at this rate perhaps I should ask her for a session..😀

Tldr : So I guess my question is :1. Do you think she would notice it was a wig if it's a good quality one? & 2. Is this worth the effort? I know it sounds a ridiculous charade to go through, & I should try to bring her round. Arguably it would make it far worse if she saw that I was concealing the haircut. But otoh if it worked, it would solve the issue for the time being.

I live in a conservative state, but I generally stay within a large, urban part of the state where most folk are accepting. I’ve received some rude comments before and many of my friend’s families and parents do not accept me, but generally I have no issue.

However, there is a town about 20 minutes from where I live that almost feels cursed. I’ve had a few incidents there. Generally, when I visit, I receive a few stares and maybe some disproving comments (which is normal) but in the past I’ve had a person slow their car down to point at me on the street and loudly say “What are you?” before driving off, and in a different incident I had two men follow me through a store snickering and cackling whilst using a few choice words that I don’t feel the need to write out.

Obviously I can normally avoid this town, but my parents have actually begun talking about moving there. We even have a house that we are currently talking about with a real estate agent. At first I was excited, but after visiting again today and receiving the same intense glares (and even the occasional “God bless your heart!”) reality has set in. I am scared of living there. I don’t know how I’d settle in. I’ve never had to live under this level of scrutiny in public. Does anyone have any tips for dealing with this? I don’t want to change the way I dress and present to avoid harassment, but I am legitimately afraid of this place.

Honestly I feel like I'm overthinking majorly so I'm mostly looking for a listening ear.

My (27F) relationship of almost one year with my girlfriend (24F) has been a dream come true--it's my first real relationship with a woman and it happened completely randomly at work, very romcom with a lot of hangouts and twirling hair kicking feet moments etc. Honestly teeth rotting stuff.

My girlfriend is a soft butch, grew up doing sports and pretty decidedly masc. Coming from a more conservative country, I have had a more arduous journey with my sexuality and gender identity. (For context, for most of my adult life I was in a long-distance relationship with a man from back home out of feeling like I have to and that will square away a responsibility, a self-imposed cultural constraint that I slowly unpacked over the years in therapy.)

Coming out for me was incredibly liberating, but also a process of grief. I don't believe in "lost time" (in fact, I think focusing on my studies and professional development over this time was ultimately a good choice). But even after I had come out, I started recognizing a deadlock in myself re: gender expression and identity. Feeling like, despite being very comfortable accepting my attraction to women and gnc folks, I could less so accept or fathom my own gender nonconformity and masculinity.

More than anything I think I feel queasy about my desire for a butch4butch dynamic. Even before I started thinking of myself under any labels I was deeply into mlm erotica and yaoi, had crushes on effeminate gay men and masculine women, etc. things that made me really uncomfortable with myself.

This brings me to my current relationship with my girlfriend. She has a very butch4femme kind of history, having always identified with the male role in that dynamic. I quickly learned all her past crushes have been on straight girls. All these girls are very traditionally feminine, artsy types. My girlfriend, an avowed loverboy, even got into Taylor Swift for this crush in the past, meanwhile we often joke she almost got the ick when I told her about my Dorian Electra obsession.

I often feel like I'm "too gay" for her. I often try to feminize myself when going out with her. I even like it, which makes me even more confused and self-hating. We had a hard conversation about this at some point, because she wanted to get me this gift, an incredibly gorgeous ring that unfortunately made me queasy (to clarify, I do wear feminine stuff too so it wasn't an asshole move of her; just have very weird hangups over certain things). I told her I feel unconfident over certain things--she said if she's being honest she doesn't want to date someone more masc than her but she loves me and she wants to support me. I think this was a correct response on her part.

So overall I think this is all me. I have to admit the thought that I might deep down want a butchfemme relationship where I'm the femme makes me really nauseous. I wake up at night and do all sorts of "checks", OCD-style, about my gender nonconformity. Am I just changing for this person to be who they want, etc. Whenever I see someone who is her type at work (long hair, traditionally feminine, artsy etc) I die a little inside lol. I keep thinking she is confused and she might only be with me because I'm the first ever person to return her attention. That she might leave me the moment someone who is exactly her type hits on her.

Anyway, is this anything. Has anyone had the experience of dating someone and you aren't exactly their type. Feeling too gay in a gay relationship lol. What did you do to get over it etc. I feel insane typing all of this btw

Pointless post here but I had such a weird day yesterday, and I need to get it off my chest.

In an attempt to get in shape, I joined a local league a few weeks ago and it’s been rough. I almost hurt my legs from overexerting myself in the first couple games and thought about giving up. I decided not to quit only to come back last night and find out that one of my girlfriend’s exes plays on the same league and was filling in for someone on my team. And on top of that, this guy is apparently some sort of god who is actually really fit, really tall, really fast, and really good at this sport.

Thought about quitting again, but I got my spirits back up when I realized there are some other butches on the league too. I actually got to play against one of them yesterday and she was super nice. Guess I have and reason to show up again

Hey y'all, "new" butch here (I've been butch my entire life I just didn't find myself until recently). My first lesbian relationship just ended, partly/mostly because my ex-gf was no longer romantically attracted to me as I stepped into and embraced my butchness. We were each other's first lesbian relationship, and we were gifts to each other: she gave me a safe place to step into myself, and I gave her a safe space to explore her agency in a relationship. I am so proud of her. It was beautiful, and I am so sad and thankful. My question for my fellow butches is: how do you pick yourself back up in your identity when it was discovering your butchness that contributed to your relationship ending? I know I have a long life ahead of me (25 yo), and I am excited to discover more things about myself. And I feel like I just lost the love of my life. Any words appreciated, thanks y'all.

My femme girlfriend is always so confused why I enjoy wearing baggy denim jeans all day. She thinks jeans would be uncomfy, but I think it's so comfy? Any other butches love wearing jeans all day because they look good?

I avoid regular bras because they make me dysphoric but all sports bras leave me with top spillage that’s shows through my shirt. I’m not sure what my exact size is so I’ll just say they’re massive.

I’ve tried the Nike ones that everyone wears, reebok, several Walmart brands, woxer boss flex, the tomboyx compression racerback and it happens with them all. I don’t want anything fem and it really sucks that none of these work for me. I’ve thought about trying the tomboyx one with adjustable straps but I don’t want to waste my money.

Any recs are appreciated, I’ve thought about a basic bralette (I hate that word) so if anyone knows any good ones pls lmk.

I am feeling really warm and fuzzy today. I was fortunate to get to marry my wife (!!) on Saturday in a perfect backyard ceremony officiated by my (queer) brother.

Our bridesmaids represented at least four different genders of people and all are dear friends of both my wife and I to the point that we didn’t even pick sides, just had a large pack of “equal opportunity bridesmaids.”

Both my parents and her parents were in attendance enthusiastically, and hers after initially being super unsupportive and homophobic.

I know it’s a rare and special thing to be able to tie the knot with the one you love surrounded by family and friends who love you as you are. I keep tearing up today bc I just can’t handle how happy I am. I hope that all of you out there that want this get to experience it someday bc boy is it great.

So this girl from work, whom i met about 1.5 years ago and have teased and flirted with before while at work in friendly way and also maybe in more than that way a couple times but i didn’t really got hot for her until that night, where she wore a tight one piece for one of our other colleagues birthday.

And I am pretty sure she is straight, all she talks about is her ex boyfriends, despite that I believe she enjoys my playful and teasing nature and finds my masculine demeanour somehow attractive as i believe straight girls are attracted not only to guys but their masculine nature.

So at one point that night at the party as I was being playful I asked a little girl (daughter of one of my other friend) to call her aunt which she didn’t took as offence to my surprise, so again to tease her, I asked the little girl to call her grandaunt instead. Then the “straight” girl replied back to me by saying that the little girl should call me granddad then. So yea it took me by surprise and I got flustered by that comment and walked away😳. But I must admit, I really liked it. So yea ever since, all i am doing is dreaming of sleeping with her 😩😭.

So a year ago I finally bit the bullet and tried a packer. I loved it. I was feeling euphoric, feel confident and great about myself. Until my partner took advantage of it. They were supportive at first and then I realized why. That I was becoming more outwardly masculine and could pass more and more as a guy. That was never my goal with it, my goal was to help with my gender identity. I stopped wearing them shortly after our break up, and here I am a year later searching for myself once again and diving back into this journey. I bought myself another sex store packer and the moment I put it on I was instantly smiling and feeling myself again.

How can I explain this feeling to my new partner without scaring them off, and hoping it's not a repeat of the last.

I’ve been trying the gym for two months to masculininize my figure exept I’m extremely unathletic and have shit genetics. Gaining so much muscle that my body actually looks masculine feels so impossible. I would have to be so much stronger than all the women I know who have been athletic all their lives and work out a lot and still have a very feminine figure. That just feels like such an immense effort that I can’t reasonably put into this. I work out 3/4 days a week I can’t reasonably do more than that and do the whole gym bro diet. I already have a life that I can barely hold together. (Okeyy this sounds so defeated I’ve actually been enjoying going to the gym, I’ve just noticed how far away my goals actually are)

And the more I think of this I just want the gym to give me the effects of testosterone and that’s why I’m disillusioned. What are your experiences? Any unathletic butches?

First of all women’s clothing often focuses on revealing as much skin as possible, tshirts having shorter sleeves simply because they are for women, shorts that expose your your entire thighs, and of course the typical boob window because men gotta have visual access to that.

Dresses which of course are not made for comfort or function but instead to almost present you like a trophy while men wear functional clothes even on events, not that I ever plan on wearing a dress but based on what I ve read, they are definitely not very comfortable or convenient to use.

And of course, the domination of high rise clothes because god forbid women have belly fat or love handles, though I guess that’s more of a fatphobia thing than anything else. Though I did read that is because it creates the illusion of longer legs which are seen as sexually appealing so once again, we got clothes not designed for function but for men’s eyes.

I like my tight elastane sports tshirts, I use them for everything except work and wanted to get some near knee length tights/shorts, oh only options are mid and high rise. Pretty much had to go to the male section to find something appropriate.

On the topic of tights, while male tights have some patterns and cool shapes, women’s tights are often extremely plain so it looks like you are barely wearing anything, it completely exposes your body which again, seems to happen for sexual appeal reasons rather than function.

It feels like most women's clothing is sexualised to a degree, focusing more about how it ll make women sexy/attractive rather than function, and let’s not even mention the fact that they are often of lower quality fabric.

I know there’s women aware of this but it seems so extremely rare it might as well not exist since it isn’t rly part of the mainstream issues.

Hiya Uk based baby butch. I've lost weight recently and really want to treat myself to a nice pair of jeans. Wherever you look it's skinny jeans or Mum jeans, neither particularly flattering for me with a big belly, and also don't really meet the aesthetic I'm aiming for. Men's jeans don't work for me.

What shape should I be looking at?
Any specific brands I could take a look at? Size 18, 5'10", thank you!

At this point I’m thinking about the possibility of taking T, which is making me wonder what I’ll say to my doctor if I ever decide to go on T? Has anyone (especially those who identify as women) ever experienced any awkwardness from medical professionals over taking taking T?

hey all this might be a bit of a weird question but ive been going back and forth on getting a brow piercing for a while now and im just curious about something: do you feel like getting one has had any impact on how masculine/feminine people read you? i might just be overthinking it but i feel like its a little more popular among women than men so im a little worried getting one will make it easier for people to gender me, i like being androgynous and like being sir’ed here and there so id really hate it if i did something to make that happen less frequently. would love to hear any perspectives on this

https://preview.redd.it/ok5emrcgpexd1.png?width=1178&format=png&auto=webp&s=4dab04aa34fdf17d7568496fe3c30ac9ba28b37d

(also desperately need a haircut yikes)

CW - brief menstruation mention. There's a TLDR at the end since I rambled on.

Hiya dudes & dudettes. I've been waging a bit of a mental war with myself recently, and I figure some outside input could help clear my head.

I've been on hormones consecutively for the past year, and during that time I figured out I am a lot less trans man and a lot more butch lesbian. Not an uncommon experience by any means, but now, I'm realizing how much euphoria I get from throwing people off with my gender. I am completely content with the fact I present as a man to the outside world, and only indulge those I can trust with how I actually am. However, I also feel euphoric at the moments where strangers assume I'm a woman, albeit an extremely masculine one, or just can't tell what I am at all. Part of me is afraid that pursuing further hormone usage will have that experience go away, and I'm not sure if I'd be too keen on giving that up.

That being said, I do NOT miss PMSing/the dreaded sharkweek. I am quite happy with my emotional regulation, and all the ways testosterone masculinizes me physically. My goal isn't in the slightest to present as an exclusively cis man, just a man in my very, very lesbo way. I suppose I'm afraid I'd reach a certain 'point of no return' where everyone who sees me will 100% assume I'm a male without a shadow of a doubt, but... I also figure a lot of that fear is due to the transphobic rhetoric I've been fed most of my life. I'm looking for responses from people who can relate to my struggle in any way, hormones or otherwise.

To summarize, TLDR; How would you navigate wanting to be perceived as masculine, but not exclusively male? Would secondary sex characteristics play a larger role than tertiary (such as accessorizing more "femininely") would?

I’m non-binary, have had top surgery, but do not want to go on T. I think I have dysphoria related to having a uterus. I have had terrible menstrual cramps most of my life. They tend to come and go, and have been really bad for the last 6 months. I cannot handle it anymore. The only option I have ever been offered is to get an IUD.

A lot of pain medications that work really well for people for cramps have antihistamines in them, which I cannot take because I have epilepsy and they can lower seizure threshold (this comes from my neurologist, the risk is minimal but my seizures have been triggered by antihistamines in the past). So I’m basically stuck with acetaminophen and NSAIDs, which both do absolutely nothing for me.

I have an appointment to have an IUD inserted next week. I don’t think I can do it. The thought makes me feel physically sick. There’s something about it being “birth control” that makes me feel awful, and I cannot explain it. I know people have IUDs for all kinds of reasons, and that for some lesbians they might be on birth control if their woman or non-binary partner is able to get them pregnant. But for me it feels wrong. I have been grappling with this feeling since I was a teenager, and I have been suffering because of it.

I feel very alone in feeling this way. Does anyone else have similar issues with dysphoria? Or have had a hysterectomy for gender-affirming reasons?

Thank you.