almost a year without purging and barely thinking about it, i did it again. i feel like everytime i'm about to fall again, and i fell. i promised myself i wouldnt, i believed from the bottom of my heart that it was over. i feel ashamed.

I'm 17 years old and I hate my life, but I think that if you're bulimic it's normal. Currently binging and purging 4 times or more per day since April 2023. I feel like there's no going back, even if a stop now, there has already been a lot of damage done to my body, so what's even the point of recovering. I'm currently taking 0,5 mg of risperidone a day, which helps with absolutely nothing. I'm 163 cm tall, bulimic, probably the only decent thing I have is my face, but apart from that I feel so worthless even if a recover. Today I just found out that my girlfriend would have wanted me to be more taller since the very beginning (obviously) thanks to some old chats I read, but what disappointed me more was how dumb I was to believe the dumb statements she had in order not to make me feel even more worthless. We're 7 months in, but I cannot get rid of the thought that even if I recover, I will still feel like a worthless piece of shit due to my stupid height, something I cannot control. I started going to an institution in order to recover because of her, but know I may not want to recover for the same reason. Wish all of you the best for recovery!! ❤️❤️

Not really sure why I feel this way but, basically, I’ve had a much better week than usual. My food intake has been higher (not perfect as breakfast is really difficult) and I’ve managed two meals and a large snack (a cookie) on most days when I’ve not binged - and I have only binged twice in the last 12 days (on evenings when I had restricted and over-exercised during the day). This is actually such a big improvement from previous months when I’d be stuck in binge/purge cycles for up to 5-6 days, and unable to break out. I made it 7 straight days without bingeing, and wasn’t as restrictive as previously either - that hasn’t happened in ages, except for times when I’ve been on holidays.

I told my therapist that I thought I’d had a better week even if the weekend (when I slipped into bingeing) was difficult, as I was able to return to better eating patterns on Monday, and continue that. But, I just felt my therapist focused on the fact that I wasn’t changing things enough, that I B still really struggled with breakfast, and that I had to be honest with myself.

I know I’m not recovered, there are lots of things to do and to improve on but I’ve definitely become more confident in my ability to break cycles and be more consistent with regular eating. I just went into my session feeling proud of myself and left deflated and like I hadn’t really achieved anything. My therapist is really nice and she said she feels a bit stuck on how to help me today… But the main thing I need is confidence that I can recover and make better decisions during the day, and now I just feel down.

On Recovery Record, my dietitian said I should felt really proud of the 7-day streak, even if I had a slip afterwards. I kinda needed that validation and positivity today - instead of concern. Not sure if anyone has any advice or can relate?

If I’m gonna be in this for life I look forward to the day where my own actions don’t shock and appall me anymore. Let me know when I can expect to get numb to this

I'm caught in a vision cycle of binge purge and starve. Yet I'm overweight and have to lose weight according to my doctor. How do I tackle this dilemma

hi everyone, i am not sure how to open this discussion up however i will give a bit of background before i dive into my current struggle.

I have struggled with binging/purging for about 10 years now. I’m 25 (about to turn 26) and for the last 5 or so years i have been bingeing 1-3 times a week. while this is quite the decrease from where i was at years prior, i have had a really hard time quitting completely.

i have been with my current partner for about 4 years now. i’ve opened up to him about my ed history however i’ve never been fully honest with him about where my struggle lies as of now. he’s wonderful in every way - gentle, loving, supportive and i have been carrying a tremendous amount of guilt surrounding the fact that i haven’t been honest with him about these habits. i have such a hard time quitting and i think it’s because it’s almost a habit now, like it’s just a part of my life and it feels like it always has been. i’ve been trying really hard lately to stop in the best ways that i can (some tips would be appreciated as well) but i feel like my not being honest with him is making it hard on me as well.

that being said my question is, what is the best way to communicate this to him? has anyone else dealt with this with their current partner and if so how did you communicate it to them?

i know he would be supportive and do anything to help as he’s never given me reason to think otherwise however something is holding me back from being honest with him and it’s weighing dearly on me.

i want so desperately to able to say i am in active recovery and i feel like my not being honest is holding me back. i have been journalling a lot and honestly it has been helping quite a bit, and ive been sitting with my cravings and making sure im fueling my body in a way that makes me feel good and i find that helps as well. there’s just some cracks in my system that im still trying to heal is all and im looking for some insight.

thank you 🧡

I have anorexia with purging sub type. I am underweight and can’t really afford to lose more weight at this point. I’m experiencing fatigue and dizziness at times For the last two nights I have somehow gotten my purging down to one time. When literally every night usually I am purging 2 times. But the only reason I have been able to get it down to one purge a night is to restrict more. So I have to literally lean into my anorexia in order to fix the bulimia. This is a mind fuck and I’m fucking exhausted physically and emotionally and mentally. So I have to eat less to make the purging lessen, it’s one big fuckkng paradox because if I eat less I am just falling into my anorexia further. I am fine with maintaining my weight but I am not okay with weight gain, I have trauma and sensory issues and neurodivergent stuff that makes weight gain cause severe panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore. I try to eat more and “nourish myself more” and it just backfires to purging. I know I should eat more and I know if I eat a little more it shouldn’t cause weight gain because I would still be in a large deficit, but trusting my body feels impossible. Especially because I have colitis and I can literally have a flare up from safe foods and end up on the toilet 20 times a night with water shooting out of my ass. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired and I’m hungry and I want to eat and I enjoy eating even though it feels chaotic and terrifying I do enjoy food and eating. But it doesn’t feel safe 97% of the time because I know I’m going to want to purge. Anyway thanks for reading my mind fuckery of thoughts here.

So I’m better now healed I guess? I throw up when I’ve eaten so much and think about it a lot but I can eat without thinking of calories now or without binging and throwing up. Before I eat, if it’s a quesadilla, chicken nuggets anything I rip it up into smaller pieces before I eat it. It could be something bite sized and I’ll rip it up before I eat it I can’t eat it whole just feels wrong. I wonder if anyone relates or if it’s related.

Im such a disaster and I wish I could just be normal but I just can’t! I get out of the b/p cycle then fall back into it every time !! I am the heaviest I have ever been I’m miserable and disgusted at the way I live / spend my money… today started off so good but I had to f* it up by binge eating soooo much food at night.. 6 toast with peanut butter and chocolate chips+ 1/2 a pint of ice cream .. like why do I do that to myself??? I’m trying so hard not to purge rn but it’s so hard because I did eat properly today before that binge so I’m going to probably gain a bunch of weight from eating all that 😭 i actually hate myself so much I can’t do this shit anymore! If anyone has advice let me know because I’m at my breaking point

I keep wishing I could just cry to deal with stress instead of purging. Today I cried to deal with my stress and then b/p to deal with my stress some more.. um, thats not exactly what I was wishing for but ok¿ 😭

My therapist & dietician swear I need a higher level of care. We have been looking for IOP’s but none take my insurance. My therapist said it’s unethical for her to not send me on to higher treatment (this was when I didn’t want to go). Do you think she will drop me as a client since I can’t find an IOP!??!?

I used to be very scared of throwing up. Now it seems like everytime I drink alcohol I force myself to throw up even when I dont feel nausea. I think to myself “I should throw up after everytime I eat this is so easy.” But I never end up doing it. I only make myself puke when I’m not thinking straight.

Hey guys i really need your help, so the main thing that made me recover was the fat cheeks, i’m 4 days purge free but my face is still swollen so if someone passed through this, could you please tell me how long it took you until your “normal face” came back?

How long does it take to go away if I start recovery tomorrow and stop purging? It’s making me feel very insecure 😞 any tips to help?x

why did i vomit so little after eating so much food? around 30 min after eating

I'm currently back and forth to the dentist. I'm having to have 6 teeth removed. I need 3 fillings. 1 root canal treatment and 2 of my teeth crowned. I use to have amazing teeth. I always got nice comments about my teeth. Even during being bulimic I tried everything to keep them good. It's impossible. Also. All this damage just seemed to appear so quickly aswell. I genuinely thought I was getting away with it. Nope. Apart from completely destroying my smile it's costing a fortune. I don't binge/Purge anymore but I've still done so much damage.

Try and do everything in your power to stop. This illness isn't as guilt free as some seem to think. My digestive system is also completely destroyed. I had to use drugs and supplements and probiotics to get my digestion working properly again. Your also throwing your potassium levels off also. Not just potassium but every nutrient and vitamin needed to sustain you. I feel alot better since nourishing my body. If your using an anti depressant to try and fix your mental health your probably just lacking the nutrients to sustain your brain chemistry.

This illness will eventually make you lose everything from your looks to your friends and family. You just become a recluse that hides inside all day just to binge and purge.

Recovering was tough but it can be done. I honestly thought I would never stop and I have. It took discipline and willpower but it can be done. Just gotta accept that you won't feel good until you finally nourish your body. You only get one chance on this planet and this isn't living.

Good luck

I haven’t binged or purged in 4 or 5 days and it’s messing with my sleep. I used to b/p every single day. Just needed to vent I guess. My routine has been thrown off which is part of it. It’s also making my medication way more effective, which I am not used to. I’m just wondering if it gets better. I’m trying to practice good sleep hygiene but it’s hard because it never actually feels like the day ends. The day typically ends with me throwing up, and going to sleep. I feel like my body is just waiting like “okay well when are we getting actual food, when are we throwing up” and anticipating it.

Hi! I’m struggling not to relapse which is a frustrating feeling— been recovered for a long time.

I seriously need help, I can't keep going on like this. Binging every time I eat the smallest thing, all day, every day. Purging minimum 3 times per day, eating double or even triple my required calories in one day. I'm gaining weight rapidly, friends and family are noticing my eating habits and weight gain, its insanely expensive for my family because we don't have a lot of money for food to begin with and I go through entire boxes and packages in a few days . Like genuinely I am asking for help, what do I even do here? I eat until I am about to throw up naturally, then go purge, and go straight back to eating, and the cycle continues until I finally go to sleep, I literally stay awake late at night just to continue binge eating. I think I've conditioned my body to puke after eating literally anything too because after even the smallest snacks I start to feel the bile rising in my throat and will often throw up a little bit entirely naturally no matter how little I've eaten or what it is I've eaten.

I've tried making meal plans, I've tried learning intuitive eating, tried fasting, eating only at certain times, avoiding foods that may trigger a binge, embracing cravings in moderation. Whatever I try though, I always fail, nothing seems to help. What do I even do in this position? Professional help isn't an option and my family couldn't care less about my purging the few times I have tried to open up about it. I'm just sick of feeling sick all the time.

i’ve been doing way way better recently (have only had 4 episodes in the past 3.5 months!) but it’s still so hard almost every day to not binge. like does it ever get easier? i went 10 straight weeks without bp but it felt just as hard at the end as it was at the beginning.

why is the need to eat so strong? am i lacking something emotionally/physically?

I've relapsed about 3 months ago. The most I've gone with out purging has been 4, even though I really don't want to get too far in again. I'm already getting the unpleasant side effects that I don't remember having so soon before. Dry persistent cough, sensitive teeth, red eyes, dizziness going up stairs, and shedding. Do you have any tips for lessening any of these?

BTW this sub has been so relatable and I really appreciate the nonjudgmental content here.

My friend has been struggling with bulimia for several years and before then she was anorexic. After a depressive episode where I severely starved myself and a breakup with a bulimic ex I became reliant on counting calories and restricting to have a sense of control in my life, something which I inadvertently learned from my ex. This has been going on for over two months now and my friend became aware of it a few weeks ago and believes im developing anorexia. She's not doing well but she's in recovery nonetheless, and on top of that she now feels the need to constantly make sure I'm eating enough. She's mentioned how my problem has been stressing her out a lot recently and she briefly mentioned that it's triggering her but she quickly went back on her word. I'm worried that I'm hurting her by talking to her about it but I know she won't let me just stop talking to her about it altogether.

And he doesn’t understand it, just found out his compulsive urge to throw up and stuff himself with food has a name for it, Just wanna know what causes people to want to throw up? It is an urge or something to stay thinner ? He says it’s pleasurable for him. I just want to know the motives and cause so i can understand better. Thx!

When I binge, I eat till I literally can barely taste the food. When it gets to that point I know that it is time for me to purge. It is so weird and I wonder if it’s just me. I eat so much that the food taste so bad and I just gag and hate that i’m even eating it.

Hi everyone, just a discussion about it if you're okay to share your experience?

For myself, yes, on diet. Start from around 10 years ago, but at first it's okay, just a normal "on diet". My diet plan was, Sunday dinner-Thursday, one repeated small meal per day like a small pasta bowl. Friday-Sunday noon, eat whatever I want to eat. Around 75kg that time. After one year struggling, reached 60kg. Then I stopped, it was a nice time. No Bulimia.

The success encouraged me, okay after rest for around half year, second round. But the second was harder than the first. Start to regularly go out for buffet and usually fast one day before or after. Then reached 55kg. Paused again, though that time I think it was a stop.

Third round, due to high academic pressure, spent a lot of efforts for paper publishing at that time, it was near COVID, and you know, less interactions with people that time... And with the lower weight, you know it getting more difficult to lose weight. So more fast, more binge, over exercising. Paused and resumed and paused and started again, until around one year later, have to start more strictly purge...

That's how it started. But for me, when I back thinking of it, I feel it might be. Parents, boyfriends, classmates, told me I was fat?

Anyway, I was thought things could be better with the fact that I'm now not fat at all, but seems it getting worse. I'm getting crazy of "I need to be more skinny", though actually everyone now starting to tell me, hey, you need to eat more to gain weight

i’ve been wanting to recover ( ive been purging multiple times a day for a long time now) but i feel like everytime i try to stop i get these intense urges i can’t focus the second i eat i feel compelled to throw up the thought of digestion makes me nervous and even when i don’t have urges, i get bored and i somehow convince myself that ill just bp one more time…. any advice? personal stories? do any of u relate? help?

I’m hosting and we already have a few people. Reply here or text me if you’d like to join

This was the first time I saw blood in the toilet, what does this mean? What could this mean? I’m freaking out