This is about a story of a boy and his brothers delivering cows and wood to there uncle but it takes a turn when the grinning man approaches them but what is approaching them dont seem human or is it

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-DcbSqxEnIEXWNUOLPDvFu4UdflMRCQPTe9CNSRtrSk/edit

• Look, I'm not good at writing a blurb for this yet, so please bare with me and use your imagination. Ever heard of the biblical apocalypse? Well, there's some crazy sh*t in it, and I've always wanted to write a romance story with angels. So, take an 18 year old girl, make her the key to opening something called the Abyss and unleashing hundreds of thousands of humanoid "locust" monsters to torture humanity for five months, and then deal with the weight of having that much power suddenly thrust on you while surrounded by very attractive angels.
• Content warnings primarily consist of graphic violence and sexual material, sometimes with dubious consent.
• I would love an involved alpha reader as I finish the rest of the first draft, but I really need to hone in my opening 10k words. My FMC starts off as a rather immature girl in the "real world," and I do eventually evolve her to be much more bad*ss, but I don't want my STORY itself to seem immature. I'm worried about setting the right tone to keep readers interested and continuing to the next chapters.
• Happy to just hear your feelings as you read. Structural advice would be nice, especially with pacing. I'm decent with grammar, so line edits would be minimal.
• Available to critique swap for similar genres, with discretion.

Looking for all kinds of feedback! Would you read this? Based on the title? What's somewhere I could improve that would draw you in? What have I done so far that could disturb the immersion? All advice welcome!

Trigger warning: Violence

The Wonderful and Often Underwhelming ABCDe Guild

By A.M. Foxx

Chapter 1

Towering maples sway, swishing loudly. The cool sweeping breeze of the still night sky belied the carnage below. The moon casts an eerie glow on a man. His posture is domineering. His chained armor gleams and his sword drips red, crusting clots to the dusty cavern at his feet. His milk white eyes glare pompously at his fallen prey.

"Hm, all that planning and for what?" He snorts, wiping his sword on the back of a long dead victim nearby.

"How dare you..." His opponent, reduced to his knees, growls out glares back at him.

"Come now, Alfie. Don't be prudish. It's not like he'd mind anymore." The man chuckles, sheathing his weapon.

"I'll kill you," he grinds out, his voice wavering and choppy as he uses his sword to push himself to his feet.

"After what you've done to us, you'll die by my hand, Aldmyr! I swear it." The sword slips and he's subdued by his wounds, crumpling to his knees again.

Aldmyr's hearty baritone chuckle bubbles from his thin lips. "Well I'd certainly like to see that," He plods toward Alfie with no more fear for him than a garden snake.

He sends his reinforced heel into Alfie's chest. Alfie's brown eyes dilate. Shooting pain radiates through his bones and he falls easily. He claws his aching chest and tries to force his lungs to take air.

One of Aldmyr's enchanted gloves clatter to the ground. "I doubt I'd need these now. They'd just spoil the fun."

Alfie heaves a desperate gasp, his head spins as he finally pulls in full breath. Finger laces through around his horn and the left side of his face is smushed into the red earth. The familiar sound of the smack of fists off his face is deafening.

His head bounced and his eye began to swell shut. The black mass of bruises only serves to goad more fierce attacks.

Alfie lay motionless. An overgrowing puddle of blood soaked and muddied the earth beneath him. Aldmyr rears back, his jovial tone never wavering and sighs, winded and panting. A wide, imperious grin playing on his lips.

"You know what?I used to think you were tough. And it's true,"he wipes the blood from his fist on Alfie's shirt. "You are."

"Against someone like that boy I was? Unbeatable physically, but you're so weak-minded... it comes to mean nothing."

I could have killed you then, but I was so fraught with this idea of life getting better for the nebulalis. That we could change things. The right way. I realize now I was merely trapped running the track of your weakness." He sends a boot into the horned man's jaw.

His hair is plastered in blood and dirt. His face battered beyond recognition on one end. He'd bitten his tongue during the beating and could barely move his lips, though he still forced the word.

"Why?” he draws a harsh, wet breath. He tears through the pain to turn his head marginally.

Aldmyr frowns and shrugs his lip. His jaw winds tight and strokes of rage crease his brow. His cotton eyes burning brightest in his portrait of malintent.

"You want to know why? Whyyy?!" He roars, grabbing Alfie by the throat and hoisting him high.

Alfie choked and gagged, holding the elf's wrist to keep from breaking his neck.

"Because it's what you swine fucking deserve.' Aldmyr meets Alfie's eye. He stares triumphantly the glazed sheen of dizzying loss, and a stomach churning beating seeming to have broke him.

A glint flashes. A soft 'plp' and the thud of Alfie battered body. A flinch.

"Wh-" Aldmyr reaches to his side, his fingers glide over a wet stump and stinging nerves.

Aldmyr screams. Alfie stands fool heartedly, stumbling quickly toward the treeline. He cant help turning his head to seeing his betrayer brought to his knees writhing, to await the satisfaction and for that to be enough for him to die happy.

Though the feeling never comes.

In the end, as he trudges headlong through the thicket into the brisk night, he's just a scared boy who'd just lost his family to his only friend.

Chapter 2

Alfie pushes through the dense woods, every step an eternity. His body weighed down by exhaustion and pain. The squelching mud clings to his drenched boots, threatening to drag him down with each sluggish movement. Ankle-deep and suffocating, it's relentless as it has always been.

Stray roots reach out like grasping fingers, snagging at his bruised skin and torn clothing. Fallen oaks are shapeless in the darkness. Each bump against his knees is cripplingly agonizing and forces him to detour through the thicket. Every half-stride sends a jolt of agony through his rending muscles.

Syl’velrasi, his haven, now a black labyrinth. The rhythmic thump of his heart reverberates in his pointed ears, a deafening drumbeat that forces him forward, even as his breath comes in ragged gasps.

The strain bears down and Alfie drops to his knees, the weight of his despair a crashing tide. A primal growl escapes his lips, echoing through the dense foliage, a raw expression of his anguish and frustration. He drops and painstakingly rolls to his back with an agonized weak shout. His only reprieve is the searing hatred and stinging betrayal bubbling in his gut. His tribe, his people, his family. All overpowered and reduced to limbs and nightly flesh for the buzzards. The months of planning, building, and growing shorn to tatters by his confidant.

‘All because of me. Our revolution. How could I ever?’

Darkness creeps into the corners of his eyes. Floaters and blood swirling and making it impossible to see. His vision is reduced to pinholes and then nothing.

Hi all!

I'm looking for some beta readers for my MM PNR novel. This is the first in a three book series (each will feature different relationships, but an over-arching plot connects them) and I'm planning to release in June of this year. I'm looking for a turnaround preferably by ~28th April because my editing deadline is 8th May.

The book's already been through one round of beta reading; I'm looking for a second round to judge if everything comes together and makes sense, especially with regards to the worldbuilding and growing relationship between the MCs.

I'm open for swaps in the (gay) romance genre, too. I'm best suited for PNR but can give feedback on just about anything (just, if it's a sports romance, please don't expect me to understand the sport!). I also occasionally read RH/MF PNR, so if you've got a novel along those lines that needs some help, hmu!

CWs: genre-typical violence, mid-spice (open door scenes but nothing too kinky ;)), and mentions of (past, off-screen) domestic violence.

POV, tense: First-person (alternating); present

Tropes: fated mates, found family

Description:

Kieran Robinson has tried to leave the supernatural world behind. Why shouldn't he? He's human, so it's got nothing to do with him. But fledgling vampires keep threatening to shatter the peace he's found in London, and he's not the kind of guy to stand back and watch as others get hurt.

Only, interfering gets him dragged before the vampire clan and into the orbit of the reluctantly fascinating vampire Lucien. After an explosive end to his last relationship, Lucien knows better than to get involved with humans. So, why can't he fight the draw he feels to Kieran, especially considering it's obvious how dangerous he is?

The fledglings are only the beginning, and as Kieran is targeted by a vampire bent on revenge, he and Lucien will have to fight their attraction before all their buried secrets come to light.

If you want a better idea of what's in store, there's a link to the first chapter here: Bad Blood - Chapter One (Kieran)

I also have a form you can fill out with your email/name if that works for you, or feel free to leave a comment if you're interested! https://forms.gle/SHy4c51fiwyHcoXb6

This is a story about a cautious South Asian young woman who is raised on fantastical lores. She is whisked away to a fantastical realm filled with the creatures from her grandmother's tales. Thrust into a perilous situation, She steps forward to protect her family. She has to rely on her resourcefulness to navigate challenges and unravel the world's secrets and finds out what is at stake. As she confronts unexpected love and grapples with her self-doubts, She undergoes a remarkable transformation from an unconventional young woman to a heroine embracing her destiny. Please DM me if interested.

Looking for people to read my novella called “psych ward crush”. I finished it a bit ago and have been looking for more beta readers. A summary of the story is - “it’s Viennas last day in the psych ward, while talking with some friends she made there a boy named Isaac comes up to them and gives Viennas a note. The note wishes her luck but also has his number on it. But what will happen next? It is a bit graphic (bloody) in some chapters, but besides that it’s mostly cute stuff Some warnings - suic!de, murder, graphic gore, mentions of drugs, mentions of self harm

https://docs.google.com/document/d/166S28DywpdvTdVH_9NGv-yqiNdIoIRtuaP2CwA30aJY/edit

Essentially, my story is a retelling of Jurassic World (2015) and the following events from the perspectives of the dinosaurs involved. It’s far from a direct rip of the film, and deviates quite heavily from it, but it does adhere to what’s established in the first three films and certain ancillary material. Happy to give more details upon request. As for content warnings, it does get fairly dark at points. Also, naturally dinosaurs lend themselves to some violent imagery, but it’s nothing overbearing or too frequent. Themes include survival, self-worth, vigilantism (though kinda on the side), and of course the ethics of cloning. I’m looking for constructive critique on my writing, both to make sure the plot is airtight and the themes land. Don’t go easy on me just because it’s fanfiction, I want it judged like a real novel. I would also appreciate having someone to bounce ideas off of. I don’t have any clear timeline in mind, this is just a hobby. You’re free to read on your own time. I’m also happy to give feedback on your own writing as well, even if it’s a bit “out there” like my own.

Reply or DM if you’re interested. Thank you!

​

Summary: In the war-torn nation of Reldar, a band of foreign mercenaries are hired to serve as peacekeepers. A series of disappearances and deaths begin to occur, and the new arrivals are forced into a deadly investigation to protect their new lives from hostile townsfolk, political plots and supernatural horrors they are forced to believe in.

Hello! I am looking for beta readers to delve into at least the first half of my book [66k], and potentially the whole thing. I am mainly looking for feedback on characters and the coherence of the plot (with pacing etc), though suggestions on prose and any issues would be greatly appreciated also.

The book itself has quite a few POVs, and embraces a few different genres (horror, mystery, fantasy) as well as some darker and more mature themes. This does mean that there is adult language and violence.

I'm happy to do a critique swap, as I understand the book is quite long and will be an undertaking.

​

Here is a link to the first chapter, so you can get a feel of what the book is about - https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TndLHJt58rRl_Jp9nkhjlsJVLiZ60dwvj1gqH1yDuJM/edit?usp=sharing

Thank you!

​

Looking for Beta reader for the first act (25K or so) of a completed novel murder mystery (90k) and perhaps eventually or entire novel.

Commercial murder mystery set in the English countryside, but more Tana French/Kate Atkinson than Agatha Christie.

​

On a golden September afternoon in 1969, the bones of an unknown young woman are discovered on the roof of St Cassian church in the quaint market town of East Wolton. Thirty years later, Charlie Blewitt’s girlfriend Maggie vanishes into thin air.

After suffering a stroke and with his career hitting rock bottom, Charlie has returned home. But not everyone in East Wolton is pleased to see him. There are still those who believe he knows what happened to Maggie.

Can he find his long lost girlfriend? Can he discover the identity of the Skeleton on the Roof? And are the two cases linked by the dark secrets at the heart of his home town and his own buried past? Charlie will pay to find out, and East Wolton will never be the same again.

A story about a college sophomore named Jonathan who realizes he's in love with his best friend of many years, Emery. As he grapples with his newfound emotions for her, he must also traverse the other difficulties of college life, including his mental health, other friendships, and other relationships.

TW: Depictions of domestic violence and Depression/ Panic Disorder

I would like any feedback possible. Specifically regarding anything else I could include to make the characters and the story more complete.

I am currently unable to swap.

Docs link here! If you'd prefer an EPUB for kindle let me know and we can work something out.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1IeQEQ7mP-HidMHGok60dDtfXmjn0GQs-tm6A5-FkAoM/edit?usp=drivesdk

I'm looking for beta readers for my book Invaders. The story is about the people of Alazora that fled their homeland after being defeated in a four-year war. Collin, a surviving wizard, must find ways to help his people survive in this new world. New threats emerge and the people must gather their resolve and fight the danger that seeks to destroy them.

A disgraced baron and his son on a path to reclamation. An upstart politician with skeletons in his closet, and his love who does not quite fit into the conventions of her time. A magistrate who despises authority who is forced to choose between clemency and punishment.

I would like feedback on characters, prose construction, pacing and themes. Thank you!

Summary: Orbitting addiction, violence, and cybernetic modifications, the world for Tripp and Ronan exists on a knife edge. Implanted with a ‘doll/chip’ capable of wiping his memory, Tripp’s the dream toy for corporate sadomasochists. Yet, the chip is failing; Tripp is forced to re-live brutal sessions with his clients in graphic detail, while Ronan can only sit back and watch. In .Tripp/Hazard., extreme coping mechanisms become central to a reality saturated by transgression.

Graphic, yes.

Reaching out because stylistically and content-wise, this piece is very much out of my comfort zone. I've been sat on it for a while and have really struggled to read this objectively, so would love to see what people think.

Mainly looking for feedback on:

- Readability. This piece was kind of written off the back of Last Exit for Brooklyn, The Sprawl Trilogy, Burroughs, etc. While I wanted a sense of disorientation in the story, I'd still like it to make some kind of sense.

-Edigness. I'm a big fan of transgression done right, and by that I mean - having a purpose. Worried that some of the horror bits might come across as amateurish and for shock value only.

Thank you!

​

Link to text

Ideally the text would be read before all my disclaimers and questions that will get in the way:

• This is heavily based off 'A Lady's Story' by chekhov which I loved. A few parts are pretty unoriginal but I was inspired to write my own story from the same premise / apply some of the emotionally resonant bits to a familiar context and see where it went

• I was doing my best to do appropraitely use a few long and clunky sentences a bit like those geniusly written by David Foster Wallace or even Kafka. The kind that tumble over themselves and keep going beyind expectation. Did this work? Or does it just seem dumb? Did i intersperse the long clunky sentences with enough clear ones to not piss off the reader?

• Is the emotionally journey of the protaganist clear? What did you think of the two main characters?

• Is the pacing of the ending too fast?

• Is the romantic imagary too on the nose? too cliche/cringe?

• Any other thoughts or comments appreciated

Thank you!

This is my first creative writing task, and I am basing it off true events. Curious as to first impressions. I am new to writing and open to any criticism.

James sits in the psychiatric clinic’s waiting room, patiently expecting the calling of his name. For the past week, James has been dealing with psychotic symptoms, to the point of feeling as if he would be better off dead. As a patient of Dr. Hashmi, James has been dealing with psychosis for over 5 years now. Schizophrenia is the diagnosis given for someone struggling with long term psychosis. The term psychosis means “a mental condition consisting of false beliefs, hallucinations, and mood shifts.” One of the original psychotic symptoms James manifested was a delusion that the world was ending. He believed he possessed divine knowledge about the world’s alleged demise. James developed these thoughts slowly over time, with them becoming more gradual and overtaking. It was not until a girlfriend of James took him to the hospital to be evaluated by a doctor, did he discover he was suffering from a mental illness. Today, James is seeing his psychiatrist for a routine checkup.

Link to story

Joanna, 17, just wants to leave her former best friend and neighbor Andrew behind in favor or her new, more popular friend group. She's busy partying and becoming a star athlete and has outgrown their childhood interests and "Inventor's Club." Then, phones and internet stop working and school is cancelled indefinitely. This leaves her stuck with Andrew and her faithful dog as her only companions once again. He suggests they solve the problem and figure out a way to defeat the strange lights that are flying around, disrupting life as they know it and causing people to disappear. The secrets that tore them apart will come to the surface as they try to save the world.

If you have something to swap, I can potentially do that, depending on size and genre.

Here is an excerpt - the beginning of the book (it should make what I mean by "lights" make more sense!):

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v0PuXfdFYvb1m0HniYSiXEcIA4egh9faPPpxKoqTqsQ/edit

​

Sometimes love is closer than you think.

Ophelia James Clarke has one goal: finish her senior year of college and finally reunite with her long-distance boyfriend, Tanner. Unfortunately, her roommate graduated last semester, and she can’t afford rent on her own. That empty room needs an occupant ASAP.

Morgan Hall is starting over. Again. He stalled long enough, it's time for him to finally take action and make his dreams of a law degree come true. The only thing he needs to do first is find a place to live. Luck is on his side when he finds an ad for the perfect apartment with a seemingly cool guy named James.

When they meet, it's immediately clear that neither is what the other person expected -- in more ways than one. Unwilling to break the lease and lose her apartment, James knows that keeping Morgan at arm's length is the best course of action. Morgan’s sweet and caring nature only highlights the growing cracks in her relationship with Tanner, but keeping her guard up means she doesn't have to think about it.

For now.

Tropes: Forced Proximity/Roommate Slightly Starcrossed He falls first College/School Friendship Group FMC in relationship at start Mental Health Issues Marshmallow MMC/Porcupine FMC

Content Warnings: Drug use (not MCs) Abusive relationship (not MCs) Emotional Affair/Cheating (not between MCs)

• I am looking for feedback withing 30-45 days. I will send you a feedback form wivth questions similar to those asked here.

• I am open to critique swap in the same genre

Synopsis: In the last year of the Trojan War, with doom and desperation looming over the once great city, a king and queen receive calls for aid. One is the Queen of the Amazons, the warrior women whose life is battle. The other is King of the Aethiopians, the far-off African race whose exotic legends surpass those of even Greece. On the road towards their destiny, they will be forced to grapple with themselves, each other and the struggles of this mortal world. Troy awaits their liberation. Achilles awaits their sword. Legends awaits their myths.

I'm open to readers ranging from mythology experts to total novices and would love to hear how those different perspectives inform your reading experience.

Content Warnings: Suicide

Snippet:

Spring was being born, and winter was dying.
The snow from the mountains and hills had become the rushing of the treacherous river. The placid creatures of the wilderness had once more become craven beasts in the wrestle of life and death.
The sun was shining on those who could no longer hide in the dark.
To Hippolyte, wise Queen of the Amazons, the change was a burden. No longer could time act as a buffer between her and destiny. Now, time had become an hourglass. Now, the fate of her people was in her hands. She wrestled night and day, yet her decisions could not be made. They attempted to conquer her mind like the waves attempt to conquer the shore. Every time she inched towards finality, doubt would drag her back. Each time he opened her mouth to give an order, fear clamped it shut.
In truth, no one doubted her wisdom, not her people, not her soldiers, not even her enemies. From Carthage to Thebes, men told her tales, bore her scars, and immortalized her deeds. Artwork bore her golden hair, her regal visage and her aging face of firm command. But she doubted herself. It was the place of a queen to doubt herself.
And so she'd left. She'd left her capital, her advisors, her friends and all those who could add more muddying perspective into her own.
It had been her hope that isolation would draw forth an answer, that solitude would force her hand in one direction. She needed to be alone, to think. And so she brought only one companion as she journeyed into the wilderness. She brought Penthesilea.
The two sisters walked through the catacombs of trees within the thick forest, surrounded by beasts, walled in by the edge of their trail, and entirely alone. Yet they feared nothing. Each one felt that their only equal was the other, and nothing in all their battles, journeys and adventures had shown them any different.

Critique Swap? Potentially, but most likely not. It would have to be something I'm really excited to read that fits right into my wheelhouse. My work schedule is really ratcheting up so otherwise, I just wouldn't have the time.

One final note, I'm probably going to need a few days to do another spelling and grammar pass before I send out a draft to you guys. So no rush.

🚀 Join The Escape Crew 🚀
I am looking for Alpha - and Beta readers who want to give feedback on my book "Escape From Somalia". I have written 7 chapters out of 29 and the first 4 are live.
This is the first paragraph of the book:
"The explosion rips through the silence of the night, a deafening roar that tears the President of The United States, James Harrington from the depths of troubled sleep. The aircraft shudders violently, metal grinding against metal in an unholy chorus that drowns out the screams echoing through the cabin. James clutches the arms of his bed as Air Force One lurches, a sickening drop in altitude that sends his stomach to his throat."
The Escape Crew would:
📘 Read and comment on chapters before anyone else.
🔍 Dive deep into the story and provide valuable feedback.
💬 Engage with fellow readers and discuss plot twists and character arcs.
🌟 Get credited in the final book for your contributions.
🚀 Join the journey from manuscript to bestseller!
🎥 Can the book become a movie?
I am a first-time author, but I have produced 8 low-budget independent movies and am very skilled when it comes to storytelling, particularly The Hero's Journey.
This is my attempt at writing a "big budget" movie. I promise to share every step of the journey. I can wait to chat with you.
Join The Escape Crew Community on Skool - https://www.skool.com/the-escape-crew-8373/about

I'm taking a deep breath .... I've finally finished my first book, and it's about a topic that's both deeply personal and universally relevant.
I'll be honest, I'm incredibly nervous. Pouring my thoughts and experiences into these pages has been a journey of self-discovery, vulnerability, and, at times, overwhelming anxiety. As someone on the autism spectrum, translating the intricate tapestry of thoughts and feelings into words that others can connect with has been both challenging and rewarding.

https://bookpreview.io/book/preview/the-autistic-through-my-eyes/6eb9a49b-9b35-415c-b11e-44b6f05ea5d7

Hello all, I’m looking for a read over of my story The Isle of Those Dearest. I’m looking for ways to fill plot holes and cut down my word count. I’m kind of tired of looking at it by myself. I have a send out goal of June. Here’s the blurb:

In Saldaria, the witches, known as Wyclathi, face hatred and distrust. Were it not for the powerful yet hidden city of Faldan, the Saldarian Imperial Republic would almost certainly hunt them down and destroy them. Even now, Lightseeker extremists try. When Emmelyne Grenbol, a Wyclathi, returns to the island where her mother was murdered a year before, searching for answers, she finds herself in trouble with the devout Lightseeker Principal family of the region, the Lacoans. Prince Cedar, the crown prince of Saldaria is on a family visit to the Lacoan estate where he finds Emmelyne’s life in his hands, and not for the first time. Political intrigue meshes with magic and mystery as the fate of both families becomes intertwined and the mystery of a string of disappearances slowly unravels before Cedar and Emmelyne.

Seeking beta readers of my light fantasy romance novel. It takes place in our age, with angels, demons, and deities.

Synopsis:

Lucille, the lonely librarian, lived wrapped up in a world that lives inside her head. Lucille has been gifted by the Mother. Mother Nature has awarded her dreams that she can hide in, heal in. She has gifted her wicked intuition, but she never saw him coming.

Aydrious, the nomad, traveling his way across as many women as he could manage, didn’t see her coming either. Not until he crashed into her, on purpose. She was his mate, his little prize. He planned to take her, to play with her, until he realized she had been kept prisoner by the same deity that traumatized him all those years ago.

He had to have her, her energy of unexplored oceans and tantalizing power was a prophecy that would bring forth the end of the War of Souls, but he didn’t give a shit about the prophecy. He didn’t give a shit about the war that had waged on for centuries. It was her power that called to him, to his fire. He had to save her, before Lilithi consumed her entirely.

Lucille is plagued with the realization that the world was never as it seemed, there is something greater beyond her relationship with her silent salvation and her world was turned upside down. Angels and demons and deities were real…but could she trust Aydrious? The man that terrorized her but also made her feel alive for the first time in her miserable existence.

Can Aydrious stop the world from taking what is his? Can he trust his crew to protect Lucille as if she were already one of them? Even further, can he trust himself to save her before the weight of the real world breaks her completely? Can Hades simultaneously keep the goddess of spring while unleashing the queen of the underworld?

Tropes:

Prophecy / fated mates

Enemies to lovers

Secret hidden powers

Touch her and die

Dual pov

Content warnings:

Graphic sexual scene, mild violence, unaliving, abuse

I'm looking for:

Pacing critique, romance critique, and overall interest critique. Does it keep you wanting more? Are the breadcrumbs visible and understood? Are my characters deep enough? Are there any holes?

​

I'm willing to trade works! No timeline.

Hi, I'm looking for beta readers for a draft of my first ever novel. It has 12 chapters now.

One MC is a 15 year old boy who has a half-awaken grim reaper bloodline. It makes people around (except his grandpa) ignore his existence. His mother died since he was a kid. His dad left. His grandpa also died since he was twelve, so he has been living alone since then. He lives like a shadow among the livings. Struggling but independent kid. Terrible at communication since he has literally no one to talk to.

The other MC is also a 15 year old boy who grown up in a rich family, confident and popular among others. Brave. Massive sweet tooth. He plays a horror board game with his friends in Halloween and gets his soul captured by a demon.

The novel has Greek mythology and Dante's Inferno references about gods and demons, hell.

What I'm Looking For: Any feedback about character design, world design, pacing. When you start losing interest. Which part doesn't make sense. Which details you like and which details you find cringe. Any kind of plot hole. No need to give feedback on all of those aspects. Even just one feedback on one aspect is good enough.

Warnings: Mild gore. My grammar is bad, and I haven't checked for grammar mistakes yet, especially punctuations. Maybe kind of childish/young adult/teenfic with a prince vs commoner trope at the beginning :)

Some excerpts:

"There are many legends and stories about werewolves and vampires, dragons and elves, spirits and demons, but why he couldn't find any record about a being who lives, yet seems not to exist in this world?

Is this ritual dangerous? Summoning demons? Sacrificing his soul?

Luther closes his eyes tightly. Deep down, he knows what his decision is.

He needs an answer to his fifteen-year-long question."

***

""Make way! Make way!"

Suddenly, a shout rings out. Then, a few warriors escorting a chariot pass by.

"Princess Eurydice!"

"Eurydice, I love you!"

"Truly a beauty blessed by the goddess Aphrodite. No, this beauty might even make Aphrodite herself jealous." The people around discuss.

"Such ignorant mortals. Comparing a mere human woman to Aphrodite. Do they even know what they are talking about?" Orpheus mutters.

Right then, the chariot passes by Orpheus and Aaron. As if feeling something, the girl on the chariot turns and looks toward Orpheus with a shy smile; the gentle breeze causing her hair to flutter slightly.

As soon as Orpheus sees her face, his mind goes blank.

‘I absolutely mustn't let grandfather see her!' is the first thing that comes to his mind."

***

“Because of the nature of their job, hell messengers often appear at nightfall and leave at dawn. Therefore, they are also called nightwalkers, or, in ancient times, known as 'those who return at dawn'”.

Link:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vT5UeejRvzJrKii0Axhuus39e0nA9wbeOXYivnllAKhPxKjIqD0dA\_d3YGjhvThuS3HBiLHb-wzxdOG/pub

Here are the first two chapters of my first (in progress) novel. I am looking for feedback on readability, character development/likability, flow, and appropriate use of tense.

prologue Charlotte

The door to our room slammed shut and we both plopped on the huge, plush, king sized bed; our laughter bouncing off the walls and warming up the room. Olivia and I were still on a high from skinny dipping in the hotel pool just a few minutes before. Who were we? Clearly not Olivia and Charlotte, two of the most socially awkward people on the planet. This new wild spontaneity was foreign to us. There was a tension in the air, a heat I couldn’t quite identify.

I kicked off my trusty Teva’s near the foot of the bed and we both started shedding layers. By now, the wetness from our bathing suit had made our clothes wet and uncomfortable. Olivia took off her white, lacy swimsuit cover up and threw it haphazardly on the dresser.

“Dude. You just knocked my Llama bobblehead over- he’s fragile and he’s my friend. Be careful, will ya?.”

“You’re really weird, you know that right?” Olivia deadpanned, “I cannot believe we just did that.”

I smirked, “C’mon, you’ve known me long enough to know that I would never turn down a dare. But I was not expecting you to jump in with me.”

I laid on the bed and looked at Olivia. My best friend. Seeing her laugh was my favorite thing ever. I would do anything to elicit the silly, giggly, carefree side of her that she rarely let out. I was lost in thought when Olivia jumped on the bed next to me, her leg brushing up against mine. A fire erupted in my cheeks immediately, and I quickly pulled my leg away to change positions. The mere feeling of her skin on mine was enough to elicit a physical response inside me; making my heart race and my stomach flutter. Slowly, she inches her leg back until it is touching mine again.

Eventually, her hand found its way to the top of my leg, the upper part of my thigh right above my knee. She playfully tapped my knee as if trying to tell me something in morse code. I looked over to her and intertwined my leg with hers. The morse code stopped and her fingers slowly inched up and up until again they rested on my leg, this time on the inside of my thigh.

"I think I have a crush on you," Olivia whispered.

I smiled and looked up at her, anticipating this moment coming based on the sexual tension that was palpable all night. Secretly dreaming about this moment since the moment I realized I was in love with my best friend. Unable to stop myself from her, my fingers trace the outline of her hips and I get lost in her.

Chapter 1. Olivia One Month Earlier

I pulled up to Charlotte’s apartment, my old, junky Saturn rattling to a stop. It was unbearably hot outside; thank God the A/C in my car decided to work…today. I took a moment to revel in the barely cool stream of stale air hitting my face, taking advantage of every moment before I had to go outside and bear the heart again. Once I got as cool as I was going to get, I reached in the back seat for my phone and composed a text to Charlotte.

'I’m here.'

I waited a minute and nothing.

'Char, you better get your ass out here or we are going to be late!'

I looked around at her quiet, quaint apartment complex. There wasn’t a soul in sight; this Washington heat wave effectively deterring all of her neighbors from being outside. Charlotte was notoriously late. She was one of those friends that you had to lie and say dinner started at six, when really it started at six-thirty. Then, maybe you would have a chance of her arriving on time. Maybe. She had an air of floating through life. Not really concerning herself with time frames, schedules, agendas, or plans. She treated every day like it was an adventure, and her job was to show up and have a good time.

She was the one who insisted we go to a workout class at the ungodly hour of 6:30 am. On a Saturday. I tried talking her out of it, but she insisted on an early morning workout before the engagement party we were going to later that afternoon, because endorphins, or something like that. Early morning workouts were not typically in my wheelhouse, but Char was my best friend and we did everything together, so eventually I succumbed to peer pressure and agreed to go with her.

My phone rang.

“I hate you.” Char’s voice was hoarse from sleep. I could tell that I had just woken her up.

“You hate me? If I remember correctly, this whole workout at 6 am thing was your idea. If I had it my way, I’d still be cocooned under blankets in my king size bed with the fan going at full blast.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be out in two minutes.” She croaked into the phone with a big sigh. Five minutes later, she strolled out of her apartment. Her long brown hair was styled in pigtail braids that were pinned up into little buns on the side of her head, her long bangs left hanging down on either side of her face. She was wearing only a sports bra and workout shorts with her backpack, that she never left home without, slung over one shoulder. She had her forest green Patagonia workout shirt in one hand and a protein bar in the other. I couldn’t help but notice her overflowing cleavage. It was a rarity to see her in just a sports bra, since she typically wore men’s T-shirts.

I saw her struggling to find her keys in her backpack, which was a very normal occurrence for her. A couple years ago, for Christmas, I bought her 5 AirTags so she could keep track of all of her belongings. But, clearly, she also misplaced those. She looked out at my car, held up her finger as if to say ‘one minute’, and disappeared back into her apartment. A few seconds later she reemerged with keys in hand and this time she also had half an Eggo waffle in her mouth. I smirked and thought, “where the fuck did she get a waffle from?”

Finally, she made it to my car and plopped into the passenger seat with a loud, exaggerated sigh. She had sweat running down her forehead and her bangs were matted to the side of her face. “Glad you could grace me with your presence, Princess. We’re going to be late for our class and the gym babes are going to be pissed.” I said with a straight face.

She opened up the visor mirror and soothed her hair back into place.“Shut up. I’m tired. I was up all night playing Zelda, trying to beat the fire temple and resisting the urge to text Sam.”

Her and I were different than most girls. I think that’s why we got along so well and had an instant bond when we met five years ago. It was Sophomore year of high school when her family relocated from Indiana to Washington. The girls at our high school were crazy about boys, frequented Sephora on the weekends, consumed with TikTok, and did anything they could to blend in. Char and I loved a vast array of music, wanted to be outside in nature any chance we could, played a lot of video games, and didn’t care one iota about blending in. We had each other and have been inseparable since we met. Because of this, neither of us dated much in high school. Char and her recent boyfriend, Sam, broke up a week ago.

I watched her fix her hair in the mirror and took a deep breath before asking, “are you going to be ok seeing him at the party tonight?”

“We don’t really have a choice, because Ava would kill us if we missed her engagement party. Thank God Caleb will be there; maybe he will help distract Sam and keep him out of my sight.”

Caleb was my ex-boyfriend and just so happened to be Sam’s best friend. We broke up about eight months ago so it’s not as fresh as Sam and Charlotte’s breakup. But, then again, I was never delusional enough to think Caleb and I had a future. Nevertheless, here we were about to attend a party with both of our exes. Great.

Our newly engaged friend Ava and her fiancé Carlos were having an engagement party later that night. Ava was the exact opposite of us. Ava was the prom queen of our class and was as preppy as they came. And she was absolutely gorgeous. At a whopping four foot eleven, she was one of those people who demanded attention when she entered a room. She had short, curly hair and dark flawless skin that she attributed to a 45-step skin care routine. She was an expert makeup artist with a loyal TikTok fan base, about 10,000 followers. She was a violin player, so her and Char met each other in high school band. Char was an amazing percussionist and played in the school jazz band and orchestra, so she has a solid group of friends from that lifetime. She introduced me to a lot of these people and I developed relationships with them as well. Ava was one of Charlotte’s closest friends and we wanted to be there for her. Even if it meant Charlotte puking on her ex out of nervousness, we would be there. Char's saturn screeched into the gym parking lot and we entered the studio as the class was starting. We received a few glares from the dedicated regulars. Suburban moms decked out in Lululemon leggins with Stanley cups next to their mat, who used this class as an escape from their screaming children; they wouldn’t dare be late for Bootcamp. We might as well be on a different planet than them.

“Told you,” I mouthed to Charlotte.

She smiled and winked as me as she rolled her mat out in the corner of the room, jumping right into the workout as if she fit right in. If only I had even 1% of her confidence.

Synopsis: Ever has only known Muntrogue's Lower Ward. Has only known the bakery and tea shop that provided her sanctuary. Has only known her basic, poor, human existence nestled within the forgotten corner of the larger, and more dangerous, world of the Devine. A race of humans with abilities gifted to them by the gods.

She has also only known stories of the war. How Muntrogue fought bravely against the terrors of Tortura. How the people had been protected against the villainous horrors of the Prince of Nightmares. How, while ruthless and vile, King Rhett of Muntrogue had somehow spared them from the hell of bloodshed.

After an unjust arrest for defending herself, Ever finds that the world she known is gone. If it ever even existed. Alongside some surprising allies, what is left of Tortura, she is thrown into the heart of a prophecy with one mission: find the Queen of Night and the Weaver. Two mythological, ancient people who may or may not even still exist. Along the way, Ever is challenged to question who really is monster that started the twenty year war. And why fate has placed her on the path she has found herself.

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Content Warning: S/A, Abuse, Language, Graphic Sexual Scenes, Violence

What I'm Looking For: This is my first completed novel, so I'm looking for general feedback. Primarily grammar, making sure the story can be followed, characters don't seem too shallow, and that it doesn't have too many lull spots. This is book 1 of 4, so a lot of this book is laying foundation.

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Timeline: No real rush and would even be willing to work out a timeline arrangement with readers individually. I'm still writing books 3 and 4, as well as working two jobs so I understand time constraints. I would just really like to move this forward to be published.

Beta Critique Swap: I would definitely be interested in a beta swap with loose time frames!

First Chapter Teaser:

[Flashback] Silas - Fall, 21 AF (After Angatha Fell)

The world seemed still as I ran towards the temple. People stared, wide eyed and frozen, at the beam of light coming from the sky that illuminated the temple southwest of the small town. Nothing could be heard aside the crunching of the frozen ground beneath my boots as I sprinted. My sword’s sharp edge caught the light of the heavens above as I unsheathed it. A growl echoed within my throat as I neared the gathered group outside the temple. Their outlines a washed blur within the beam. Capturing them with the blinding light.

I shoved people out of my way. Not allowing my guilt of being rude preventing me from protecting them from danger. They would forgive me later when they were safe. When the threat was gone.

That’s when I heard it. When we all heard it. The scream. Like nails dragging across glass. Penetrating deep into my chest and attempting to separate my soul from my body. The crowd around me quickly clutched the sides of their heads in unison, covering their ears and cowering back. Blank stares of confusion met me as they searched for answers. Guidance.

I moved faster. Thoughts raced through my head faster than I could run. Who was hurt? Who had dared to threaten my lands? Who wielded this power? What did this power do beyond blind those surrounding it.

I allowed my own magic to surge through me. Preparing to strike. Preparing to destroy. To break this enemy from the inside and watch them suffer. I would become the nightmare needed to be to protect my people. My family.

But I stopped once I broke through the small gathered crowd. I watched in horror at the young priestess sat before me. Her knees, neatly tucked under her, glowed red from the cold of the ground. Dark brown hair swept down and covered her fair skinned shoulders. The light surrounded her, engulfed her. No. It was coming from her. Turning her usual grey and brown speckled eyes pure white. The tattoos around her arms, neck, and face glowed with it as the ink appeared to dance along her skin. She kept her face toward the sky above. Her mouth was slightly opened though I wasn’t sure if she was breathing.

And the screaming. The screaming wasn’t coming from her. It was as though the light itself was emitting the noise. Filling my chest. Ripping me apart. Cascading an ethereal breeze throughout the crowd that circulated around her and caused her slate blue dress to whip around silently.

I lowered my sword and stared in horror at my youngest sister sitting before me. Unsure of what to do, or say. A similar movement mirrored me to my right. The look in my Commander’s eyes told me he was also suddenly questioning the right move to make. He and I both took a tentative step forward toward the young priestess. The warrior’s hand stretched out slowly, braving the wind and scream to touch her arm.

As he did so, the young priestess shot up into the air, floating a foot above the ground. Her back arched slightly as if presenting her chest to the gods above.

“The dawn of war approaches.” Juni spoke. Her voice sounded otherworldly; both loud and quiet, distant yet near. “The King is almost ready.”

I looked at Axton. Through the light, I could only assume that his expression matched my own. A mix of confusion, anger, and fear swirled in his hazel eyes. The tanned skin on his hand stretched tight as he kept a firm grip on the hilt of his sword. I knew he would make the tough call if he had to. If we had no other choice.

Then her voice echoed out again over the crowd, “The dawn of war approaches. The Weaver must take oath and sword. The Queen of Night shall reclaim what is her’s. Blood sealed bonds. Love written in stone. Rivals turned friends. Magic long hidden. Forgotten.” Juni, or rather whatever had possessed her, looked down at me. “Blood will be spilled. Lives lost. He must not find her.”

Just as swiftly as she rose, the beam light lowered her back onto the icy grass. Her body collapsed into mine as I fell before her. The blinding light faded, first from her eyes, then slowly from the space around us. The priestess gave a few rapid blinks before staring up at me. The gray speckled eyes glazed in confusion. I searched her for any remnants of what power had just erupted from her. Whether she had any recollection of what had just happened. What those of us gathered had just witnessed. The priestess’s eyes darted between me and the warrior, equally as confused, assuring me that she was just as startled and taken back as we were.

A pair of blond twin males stepped forward from the crowd. Their own alarm tucked away as they examined the scene before turning back towards the crowd in unison.

“Get back to your homes.” The first twin, Fynn, said forcefully. His voice boomed over the crowd and over the growing murmurs of questions and concern. “A lock down will be issued until dawn. Guards will patrol the streets and be stationed in every neighborhood.”

The twin who had not spoken, Jaspyr, began surveying the area. His eyes darting around from roofs and walls to the trees surrounding the perimeter of the city.

Two women joined him, one pale with similar features to the priestess and another with tawny brown skin and breathtaking wings. The latter, assessing the area, grabbed ahold of the silent twin’s wrist and shot to the air. As swift and fluid as wind itself.

The second turned to us gravely. She only allowed herself a moment of worry before she rushed over to the priestess in my arms. The warrior and the remaining blond male flanked her in defensive positions, ready to strike whatever threat might still be lurking. Their blades, twins to my own, at the ready.

“Are you hurt? Any pain anywhere?” Taryn asked, her eyes and hands scanning lightly over our sister’s body. A softer light shining from her hands as she worked.

Juni shook her head. I wasn’t sure if that was her answer or if she was still trying to separate herself from whatever power had just held her.

“It wasn’t an attack.” The priestess said softly. Her voice still sounded distant. “Call off the lockdown.”

I stared at her blankly. Her dark brown hair was loose under her hood. The charcoal speckled eyes glimmered.

“It was the gods.”

Synopsis

Sixteen-year-old Karna knows no one believes his mother is alive. Not his grandparents, not his godmother, and especially not his estranged royal father, who refuses to acknowledge Karna's existence at all. Karna himself has begun to believe, fifteen years after her disappearance, that Rhea Kumar really is dead. Until an injured stranger stumbles onto their doorstep and brings with him the name Antonio Morales.

In a town where everyone knows everyone, Antonio is a fearful rumour- a former friend of Rhea's who’d left to seek his fortune in the dark-magic-dominated criminal underworld. A place notorious for making people disappear. Reluctant to believe that this is a coincidence, and frustrated with the evasive non-answers from his grandparents, Karna sets out to find Antonio. But Antonio is an elusive man, and his trail only leads Karna to more questions- ones that cast everyone around him into suspicion. Including his godmother, the detective who’d let Antonio walk in the first place.

As the conspiracy surrounding Rhea unravels to involve more and more powerful players, Karna must decide what the truth of his mother’s fate is worth to him. If she’s dead, he risks the wrath of his father and revealing his own hidden identity for nothing. If he dares to believe she’s still alive, Karna may yet have a chance at escaping his ill-fated destiny, as a bastard prince who should have never been born.

Content Warnings

Leans heavily into themes of abandonment, prejudice/discrimination, and emotional abuse from a parent. A character has a history of panic attacks. Mild physical violence and mentions of blood.

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Looking for beta readers (not available for swap right now). Would love any feedback (plot/pacing/characters/ prose especially). The timeline is flexible!

Looking for a few beta readers for my debut novel. This book is pitched as a standalone with series potential. It has the theming around the seven deadly sins like Kingdom of the Wicked, and the complicated parental relationship found in The Serpent and the Wings of Night.

Synopsis:

Twenty-four-year-old Mya doesn’t trust easily, not since she was abandoned at the headquarters of a group of assassins when she was five. Since then, she’s only trusted the leader of the Blades, a man she calls Dusk, who took her in and raised her to become a ruthless killer. But Mya has always wanted to see the world, not kill innocents, and is determined to forge her own path without the overbearing protection of the man who saved her life.

One night, a mission to steal information from the Capitol is thwarted by a rival assassin group, the Shadows. Mya was told her entire life that the Shadows are not to be trusted, but when Mya is saved by Cade, one of the members, she’s left to wonder why. Dusk sends Mya to spy on the Shadows, learn their secrets, and discover why they were at the Capitol on the same night as the Blades.

Pretending to be a Shadow, Mya experiences freedom for the first time and realizes there is more to life than being a Blade. The Shadows are different, they aren’t ruthless killers like she was raised to be, they are the opposite. Cade wants to save the seven cities, and to do that, he needs to protect the Chancellors who govern them from an enemy keen on stealing their magic for themselves. It’s been 500 years since the seven Virtues punished the cities with their curses, which morphed them into cities of sin, and Cade is determined to save them from a repeated history.

But when Mya discovers that Dusk is behind the attempted murders of the Chancellors, she questions everything she thought she knew about her world, and the curses that plague it. Mya realizes the tactics Dusk used to keep her safe were all a ploy to keep her from finding out the truth and she is forced to choose between the man she once trusted, or Cade and the new world he wants to build.

The truth that might destroy them all? Greed is lethal, and death can never be undone.

Content Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, death, one graphic sexual scene that is easily skippable (just let me know ahead of time and I can take it out)

Tropes:

• Missions, assassins, heists
• enemies to lovers
• slow burn romance
• found family

What I’m looking for:

I'll have a google form to fill out with some questions but mostly looking for feedback on:

Pacing, specifically the amount of time that passes between big plot points. Do things happen too quickly? What kinds of things would a reader want to see in the in-between?

The magic system. What makes sense? What doesn't?

When do you as a reader get bored?

Do you connect to the characters? Is the romance believable and natural?

Timeline:

The dream would be to have feedback by end of April 2024, but I'm flexible!

The Mythos Wrestling Federation pits gods against gods, filling arenas with bloodthirsty fans all across the globe. Through their superstardom, the Greek gods have recaptured the worship of the world. With a return to power, comes a return to debauchery and drama in modern times. Cvil war brews as a god is found missing.

Marcus, a war veteran and combat photographer, takes on a job in the MWF’s media department to infiltrate the organization. He and his crew of vigilantes search for the gods’ weakness so they can level the playing field and exact revenge on those who lord their power over humanity.

I have a first draft of this novel and am seeking beta readers!

I am seeking a few Hindu beta readers specifically, either practicing or those who grew up in the culture. The story contains references to Hindu gods and I want to make sure it is not offensively represented!

I am willing to do a swap if you have a book you want feedback on as well. I'd prefer the feedback within 2 months time if possible. I'm looking for general feedback about the story and characters. Thank you!

Trigger Warning: Violence, Sexual Content

Synopsis: At 16, Millie Arenn is an outcast. Abandoned at birth by her mother and bullied for being the daughter of the Betrayer, Millie suffers in isolation as her people's lands are occupied and oppressed by a rival kingdom and its sadistic proxy ruler Nylian. Millie can only dream, a dream devoid of hope, that one day she might be embraced as an equal by her peers.

Everything changes when she becomes the first in the 7th Kingdom to inherit magic in over a decade. Posing a new and unexpected threat to Nylian’s tyrannical rule, Millie is whisked away by her newly-discovered grandfather, a foreign royal, and seduced by the promise of a fresh start.

She quickly learns, however, that palace life isn’t all it’s promised to be. Danger lurks behind the veneer of opulence, and there's something sinister going on with her ‘mind magician’ grandfather. To make matters worse, she finds out that Nylian has imprisoned her father, provoking a return to the 7th for a fateful and perilous showdown.

But Millie’s ‘spirit magic’ is weak, her spirit weighed down by the anger she bears in her heart. To heal, she’ll need to find out why her mother left her as a baby. Why her father betrayed their kingdom. And to come to terms with her need for acceptance, even from the very kids who had tormented her throughout her childhood.

The fate of her father - and the entire 7th Kingdom - will depend on it.

Content Warnings: Violence (battles), death of a main character, description of a hanging.

What I'm looking for: Any and all comments. I've had a couple friends read it already and they both said they really enjoyed it, but you know... Who can trust em?

Timeline: Whenever works for you

Beta critique swap: Definitely open to it, but with a baby and a toddler at home, I'm pretty busy these days so my feedback might be slow.

Chapter 1 (to see if you're interested in reading further...)

When I think about it now, I know it’s impossible that these memories are real. I would have been far too young to have formed them. After all, I was just a baby when she left. I know I must have made these thoughts up in my head, to fill in the blanks. I picked up the scraps of her features - the shape of her eyes from one story, the sound of her laugh from another. Fragments of a persona that I carefully stitched together to make a memory.

But the memory is there anyway, and there’s no sense in trying to ignore it. So, my friend, I want to tell you about my earliest memory, real or not.

It’s a memory of my mother.

She had long auburn hair, I think. She had a warm, reassuring smile. She was slender and tall. And when she held me I didn’t cry. I think I remember. Or maybe I don’t.

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“Why did the 7th Kingdom fall?”

A boy stood at the front of the classroom, ears turning red, one hand scratching nervously at the other. He began to mumble but stopped mid-sentence, hindered by the pressure of the classroom’s attention – and the Ruler’s – focused solely on him. He looked around at the familiar faces of his classmates, who stared back with sympathy.

Of course, he knew the answer. It had been drilled into him since he was a young boy. Drilled into everyone in the 7th Kingdom. But there, at the front of the class, this poor boy - Pascal was his name - was drawing a blank.

Sitting silently in the back of the classroom, Millie closed her eyes with apprehension. She ran through the dictum in her mind, wishing she could relay it to the poor boy. But he remained silent. And even with her eyes closed, she could feel the Ruler’s patience running thin.

She heard the screech of the Ruler’s chair as he motioned to rise. She covered her closed eyes, trying to remove herself emotionally as much as she could from what was undoubtedly to come. But just then, the boy’s high-pitched voice broke through the silence, and Millie’s eyes popped open. “King Erod broke the Harmony of the Councils by preparing to attack PeaceKeep.”

Pascal let out an audible breath of satisfaction, looking very much pleased with himself. But Millie filled with dread. She knew that he had forgotten the curses.

She glanced at the Ruler, who was sitting at the front of the classroom next to Pascal. He had a lanky, almost emaciated-looking body, and he was looking at Pascal with his stern, condescending gaze that made Millie shudder.

After a few seconds, he rose from his chair and approached Pascal. And with that silent advance, Pascal finally realized he had missed something. He tensed up again, and the rest of the class watched as he tried desperately, visibly, to remember.

The Ruler stopped a foot away from Pascal and looked into his eyes, shaking his head in disapproval. He turned back towards the class and scanned the students. Millie ducked her head and tried to look as small as she could - something that she had been used to doing her whole life. But her efforts were in vain, and the Ruler settled his gaze on her. With a grin creeping onto his face, he called to her and repeated his question. “Millie - why did the 7th Kingdom fall?”

Millie felt sick to her stomach as she looked back at the Ruler. She felt her heart pound in her chest, her palms growing clammy. Breathing a heavy sigh and, left with no choice, she began to recite.

“King Erod broke the…”

“Stand up,” interrupted the Ruler, holding down a laugh. “Stand so your classmates can see you.”

The Ruler's grin widened, his eyes gleaming with a cruel amusement as he waited for her response. Millie stood and surveyed the faces of her classmates, the kids she had grown up with since childhood. They stared back at her, every one of their faces filled with a burning hatred. Expressions that sadly she had become all too familiar to her. Tears rose to her eyes as she began the recitation again, her voice quivering with every word.

“King Erod broke the Harmony of the Councils by preparing to attack PeaceKeep.” Millie looked compassionately at Pascal, who stared back with the same expression exhibited by the rest of her classmates. She lowered her gaze and continued, forcing the words past the lump in her throat. “Curse be to Erod, enemy of the Councils. Curse be to the 7th Kingdom.”

The Ruler smiled widely, clearly pleased with how this lesson was turning out. “Very good, Millie. I knew I could count on you to answer this question correctly.”

The weight of her words hung heavy in the air. Even with her eyes focused downward, she could feel the loathing intensifying within her classmates.

The Ruler turned his attention back to the front of the room. He was wearing the foreign robes of the 3rd Kingdom - deep maroon, with a lone black wolf emblazoned in the center. But they were too big on him and they sagged at the shoulders. The man was skinny, his skin pale, his face long, his nose small and pointy.

Without warning, he punched Pascal hard in the face. As he stumbled backward, the Ruler struck out again – another punch to the face and one to the gut. Pascal hit his head hard on a nearby desk, blood pouring slowly out of an ugly gash that had opened up on the side of his face.

“That concludes our lesson for today,” the Ruler stated nonchalantly. “Do not forget your curses. I’ll see you again tomorrow.”

He strolled out, leaving the kids alone in the classroom. They crowded around Pascal. Two lifted him to his feet, one rushed to wet a towel and rest it on his head, two more ran to find an adult who could help. Everyone crowded around him - everyone except Millie, who stayed silent at her desk. She knew her compassion would not be welcome; any expression of concern would only remind the others of how much they hated her. But walking out would only confirm their opinions of her. So for the second time that day, she tried to look small, to be forgettable.

And for the second time that day, she failed. As Pascal regained consciousness, he fixed his gaze on Millie. Their eyes locked, drawing the attention of the rest of the kids. Then he spat - a mixture of saliva, blood, and derision. “Of course you’d remember the curses,” he said weakly, wiping away a spot of blood from the side of his mouth. “Father’s a traitor. Daughter’s a traiter too.”

He began to walk slowly with the help of his friends. And one by one, as they moved past her desk and out the door, they looked her in the eye and spat on the floor in front of her.

- - -

Millie made her way through the cobbled streets of Veridian, the once mighty capital of the 7th Kingdom. All around her were fresh signs of desolation and despair - storefronts with shattered windows, beggars lining the sides of the roads, drunken men stumbling and mumbling outside busy taverns.

She walked past the palace - once a mighty fortress of the 7th, now appropriated as a military headquarters for the Ruling Administration. It was an imposing building, taller than any other structure in the area, turrets brimming with archers and swordsmen. In its courtyard, an old man was being whipped in the back by a Ruler who wore a sadistic grin, while feeble onlookers tried their best to pretend it wasn’t happening. It had been 12 years since the Great War, but the kingdom had not recovered.

Millie didn’t see any of it - she walked with her head down, replaying the scene of the day’s class over and over again in her mind. Sunlight dimmed as she made her way past the city gates, retreating further and further from the urban district. The road she followed wore down with each step until it was not really a road anymore but a dirt path, if that. It was nearing dark by the time she entered the forest leading to her home. Tall cedar trees surrounded her as she sidestepped branches and vines dangling in her line of sight.

She walked like this, her head down, her mind distant and detached, not even registering that merely a few feet away stood a boy, maybe a few years older than she was, staring at her. His skinny body was poorly hidden behind the thin trunk of a nearby tree, his freckled face peeking out the side, dark reddish-brown hair flowing tangled over his searching brown eyes. The boy stared fixedly at her - at first scared of being noticed, then puzzled as to how she could get so close without seeing, as she trudged inattentively past him.

A day later, she would finally register what had transpired in the forest, the face of the boy she had earlier failed to notice. She would wonder how long he had been staying there, where his family was, how he ended up alone, how he was surviving. And most importantly, why he was there in the first place. But for now, still oblivious, she marched through and eventually outside the forest, up a small hill, and entered her home.

Standing at the door, she heard sounds she hadn’t heard in years - the voices of strangers in her house. Voices filled with anger.

Like everyone else in her world, Selena is too sickly to create life the old-fashioned way. In the near future American southwest state called Algodon, the only way to do create life is to print it, and only those approved by the jurors, the elites of this world, can access the printers. From her remote home in the middle of the Sonoran Desert, Selena journeys to the printer in Phoenix, unaware that antinatalist terrorists have decided to stop her at all costs.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/10LiC-sGIKQclyIxORUIDGv8WZKjL8ZhcmFNELRaLNhE/edit?usp=sharing

CWs: A book appropriate for an adult audience, Arizona Kenopsia features brief scenes of nudity, cybernetic violence, suicidal terrorists, and genocidal mayhem.

I would love to know any and all impressions that the story leaves on you in the comments of the Google document. Tell me what you feel about the characters. Tell me if everything makes sense to you. Let me know if I have any recurring bad habits as a writer that need to be addressed in my next revision of the novel. Tell me anything you can that might help me improve this novel. I really need a beta reader who can commit to reading and commenting on the entire novel.

I’d love to start right away. Can we accomplish this within a couple months? I’d love to do a critique swap, too. It wouldn’t be fair, otherwise!