It feels silly, but for context, a dear friend of mine who I also have a deep crush on just canceled plans and said he was sick. Now logically, I can assure myself that he is telling the truth, but emotionally I feel rejected or as if they don't want to see me. I'm validating the #FEELING in my body but logically I know it's irrational. This is where the real attachment wound work comes in, because I can rationalize the truth of the situation but it's difficult to shake how it feels in my body and reassuring myself that the doubtful chain of thoughts are not true! Looking for any tips or guidance on how you manage your emotions/reactions when you feel triggered by an action

Anyone else watch Love is Blind? The breakup scene between Ramses and Marissa was so painful to watch. Curious to hear everyone’s thoughts.

I 25F have been told in multiple relationships that I can come off as being secretive or mysterious. I have even been told I am very private by colleagues in the past. I think it is true.

I guess it’s hard for me to understand what it looks like to truly be open. I have a lot of feelings and thoughts in my mind but a lot of times I am unsure what is acceptable to share and what is not. I am not the type to voluntarily share information. I usually base my engagement with others on what they have going on. I don’t always feel comfortable when the topic is about me. I also noticed that when the topic is on me, I give vague answers. I guess I really don’t know how to be open and personal.

My partner mentioned today that it feels hard to trust me when I don’t share things with him.

What does being vulnerable or open look like on a daily basis? Especially in a relationship.

I feel emotions very intensely. I love to show love when I feel that there is interest. When there is disinterest, I feel very overwhelmed and anxious but somehow my way of acting is distant and drier, and I start to have chaotic patterns between showing interest hoping to receive it back and dryness once I feel it doesn't work. It is as if somehow the disinterest activates fear in me to express love and a very intense desire to express it but I will not do it unless that person shows more interest again and even in that case I'd be cautious because I feel that if I start showing too much love again, I'll feel pain and he'll act drier.

Today I talked with my boyfriend about how dry can I act when someone not trying hard enough in a relationship despite the intensity of my emotions, but I crave for love.

He told me that at the beginning of his relationships he acted nonchalant and not as interested but that as time went by it was common for his partners to lose interest. He told me that he had the self-destructive attitude of going for more when the person he loves acts distant and that he was usually the last one to fall in love of both because when he did, it was too late.

Curiously, since I was much more dry and distant, he began to express a lot of love to me, although I was afraid to show him love so I could only act dry while he continued to worry about whether I was okay or if he was good enough. I have a hard time talking to him about my emotions and I have hated having asked him for love on some occasion because I fear being misunderstood.

He insists that I should talk to him about my emotions and whenever I feel sad, but past traumas affected me because my ex broke up with me after expressing him my emotions so I work on this as best I can. Today I dared once again to tell him that I felt bad, even though I was having a terrible time while doing that but I felt that if I didn't do that, I couldn't stop crying at the thought of not being loved enough.

Hello everyone,

I am now 90 days no contact after priorly breaking no contact at the 75 day mark. I thought I'd share some points of wisdom that I had to learn the hard way throughout my healing journey. Some of this I'm sure most of you will be familiar with. However, for those who are struggling with thoughts of breaking NC and giving in the fantasy of having their ex back, I imagine you'll find this post useful after reading my situation.

Context

This post will cover, particularly, the typical NC period when dealing with an ex who has a Fearful Avoidant or Dismissive Avoidant attachment style. This is not to say that Anxious exes are better or worse, but for the most part the general theme is an Anxious partner seeking to re-establish a connection with an avoidant ex. Hence the names, right?

My Experience - A Brief Summary

After a seven month relationship, I (36M) was slow-faded then discarded by my Fearful Avoidant ex (35F) after we had spent an intimate two weeks together. I was not perfect during the break-up as I caved to protest behaviors (those being behaviors of having my own attachment wounds triggered). However, in many cases Avoidants will cause a fight, stop replying to texts, revoke communication and closeness, etc., to create emotional space and reduce intimacy leading to a break-up. This causes Anxiety in the anxious (or secure) partner who then protest the behaviors of the Avoidant. The Avoidant will then leverage the protest behaviors as their ticket out of the relationship.

I chased on-and-off for two weeks which went no where. I then entered a strict no contact for 75-days. Originally, I planned for 60 days, however I extended this as I had other things going on my life that I did not want to disturb with a potential emotional set-back. Notably, I was also encouraged by some YouTube "experts" that waiting beyond 60 days has diminishing returns with getting your ex back. I would strongly, strongly encourage those reading this post to not subscribe or take advice from "experts" who encourage the breaking of no contact with an Avoidant ex.

I was intentional during my NC period. I obtained a new, higher paying job. I went to therapy. I learned to understand and forgive my Avoidant Ex. I got into the best shape of my life. I did these for me, but of course for increasing the odds of getting my Ex back. My thought was that I would do everything I possibly could to be ready for rekindling the relationship.

The 75-day mark came and I visited my Ex's Instagram page for the first time since I started NC. We had met abroad and Instagram had become our main channel of communication. What I saw surprised me - not because I wasn't aware of what Avoidants typically do after a break-up, but because the reality of my Ex's issues truly were were overcoming the fantasy of them I had in my mind.

The amount of validation seeking posts (including those encouraging people to follow them on TikTok) were astonishing. Tiktok trendy posts that twenty-somethings and teenagers would post, trips with friends, memes about dating. In the 3-month since our break-up, they had nearly doubled their post tally.

Nonetheless, I sent my Avoidant Ex a message stating that it had been a long time and I had been thinking of them and how they were doing. I apologized for my share of what lead to the break-up (which, admittedly, was taking on accountability I shouldn't be taken on), I told her that I'd like to hear how she's been doing with regards to intimate going-ons in her life that she would share with me before, etc. I kept it mature, intentional, and positive.

I was blocked within an hour.

Words of Objectivity and Caution

For those dealing with an Ex who has unhealed trauma, low self-esteem, family system issues, a lack of communication skills, or otherwise, and is unaware or unwilling to hold themselves accountable for healing, then there is absolutely nothing you can do to salvage the relationship.

I repeat. There is absolutely nothing you can do salvage the relationship. In fact, you trying to be more empathetic and a better partner will only push them further a way. The reason for this is that, at their core, they fear closeness and intimacy. The mere act of giving in to your reaching out creates intimacy. It presents a chance of them being rejected.

Avoidants are afraid of communication. The relationship with you was great because of the honey-moon period. That is when it is easy for Avoidants. There are no expectations, no emotional intimacy, and no fears of abandonment or closeness. Once the relationship becomes real, the Avoidant will deactivate and quickly distance themselves from you. You might make mistakes during this - most people do (and who wouldn't when faced with emotional abuse).

When the relationship develops and intimacy is expected, they will sabotage the relationship. This is not a reflection of you. As I said, the better you are for them the faster they will run. The NC period is for you to heal and move on from them. In 99.99% of cases, they will not reflect, learn from the break-up, grow, seek therapy or healing, or otherwise. They will simply engage in maladaptive strategies to avoid accountability and seek validation in the form of dopamine hits like an addict.

This means monkey branching to new dating prospects, posting more on social media, going on trips, spending money, etc. They are prolonging and avoiding the hurt from the demise of yet another failed relationship by repeating patterns they have engaged in their whole life. In my case, my ex is 35 years old. Her only long-term relationships were with unhealthy, toxic partners. This is because unhealthy partners do not trigger their fears of intimacy or closeness. They feel safe with unsafe partners.

If you were a healthy partner and had realistic needs, even if you did make mistakes, do not let your reaction to their traumatic responses guilt-trip you into wanting them back or to reach out to them. You deserve so much better. And, like me, if you give in to the fantasy of having them back, you will be met with coldness and be discarded yet again.

To add, even if they did accept your invitation to try again, you simply be enabling them to do this to you again. And trust me, they will. You have developed a trauma bond to the fantasy that you thought this person to be. Because you are a good person who values intimacy, you will put up with incredible disrespect as to respect the future of the relationship.

Closing Advice

Move on and let go of the fantasy of ever having this person back. You want a fantasy version of them that does not exist and will never exist. Whether they are 25, 35, or 45, it does not matter. Do not listen to YouTube Gurus who simply want you to book them for $400/hour sessions and give you false hope to "win your Avoidant Ex back". This goes against all therapeutic and psychological wisdom. When people emotional abuse you and show you who they are, you must let them go.

Keep. Healing. Do no break NC under any circumstance. I thought I'd be the different one. In 2.5 months I become the 10/10 version of me and trusted the that the universe would take care of the rest. Despite working on myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and forgiving my ex (which I do - she did not ask to be the way she is), it was not enough. I was blocked and dismissed without even an acknowledgement. Why? Because, simply, I became too healthy for this person. I out-grew her. You have to do the same in your situation otherwise you will become stuck seeking a fantasy or keep finding yourself with unhealthy, unhealed people. I know it's hard, but you have to keep going. Trust the process. Cry, be sad and upset, and be mad even at times, but not invite this person back into your life.

I would say throughout my 20s I was secure, with some avoidant tendencies. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for a couple of years. Gaslighting, double lives/infidelity, freezing out etc. It has been over 3 years since that marriage ended. When I initially started dating I certainly had walls, something of an avoidance phase. A had a couple of short relationships, learned from them, etc.

Now I am in a relationship of over a year. I am dealing with a lot of anxious attachment feelings and behaviors. Consistently worried about what my partner thinks, how their/my/our behavior and mood reflects on where the relationship is, analyzing mistakes we’ve made for months, etc.

I am really concerned about how they perceive me, which has never been an issue for me. I would say my partner is a critical person- open about positive and negative critiques. Personality wise they are more direct and I am more empathetic, and we come from different cultures. I find that I get fixated on the critics. Yes sometimes it needs to be checked, but other times it is small and I still feel defensive/concerned what she thinks of me, vs just being secure in who I am. Sure it is annoying when someone says how they prefer something to be cleaned, but it’s not something to be either defensive or insecure about. I think much of this stems from the emotional abuse and manipulation I experienced.

While I’m experiencing these anxious thoughts, I’m having a hard time moving forward in the relationship. For example, we’ve been talking about moving in for a few months. I’m finding this anxiety is keeping me from feeling secure about that move.

So, I am wondering if a significant unhealthy relationship can shift someone’s attachment style. If so, how might folks shift back to a secure attachment. I am in therapy which has helped, but I find rumination to be an ongoing challenge.

Thank you for any advice or resources.

Hi everyone,

Some context- For most my adult life I was secure, with some avoidant tendencies. After an emotionally abusive marriage, I have been dealing with a shift to anxious.

I have been with my partner for a year. In many ways, I feel very aligned and understood on a deep level. As with any relationship, situations and conversations happen where we have different interpretations and perspectives. I have found that when these interpretations relate to me, I feel misunderstood and judged. I want to explain to my partner their misinterpretation. If their perspective does not shift, I can ruminate on it.

I like that I am with someone who is honest with their thoughts. I also think having a partner who is open with their perspective and observations of you leaves room for reflection and growth—there have certainly been situations where this has occurred. But when we do not end up aligned in some way, I struggle not to let it affect me.

How do folks let go of misinterpretations of themselves from people close to them? What are some common root causes to explore that may be leading to ruminating on this?

Example: I have been learning their first language. I did a class over the summer, which took a lot of time. As an adult with a full time job and various priorities, there were weeks when I was stressed or not able to give as much attention to the class. Additionally, I was overwhelmed trying to balance the class with work, hobbies, friendships, personal time, family, and relationship. For me, this is just the reality of being an adult learner. I am ok with the choices I made to prioritize other parts of life over the class some weeks, and that I become stressed during the busier weeks.

For my partner, they feel I did not fully own my choice to take the class. That I become resentful of the class because it was pulling me from other parts of my life that bring me joy. They also felt I was not doing quality work during the busy weeks.

We have talked about it more since. I expressed that I do not feel fully supported, which helped. They did not change their perspective on the situation. They said themselves- only you know and this is your life. That it is their perspective they are being honest about.

I struggle not to perceive the comments as judgment, and to accept that their perspectives on a situation can differ from mine. I become concerned with making them see my perspective.

Though I think my response is normal, I would also like to be someone who doesn't care so much about what their partner thinks. That if I am ok with my choices, to just let go of critiques and accept we have different perspectives. I see this pattern in other situations in our relationship.

Hi y'all,

I wanted to reach out regarding some anxious tendencies I'm experiencing and finding better, more efficient ways to self soothe. For context.. I'm gay 26M who has serious feelings for one of my newfound best friends who is straight ( or claims lol ) but regardless. He has actually helped my attachment style (AA) in the sense of responding quick, giving unwarranted reassurance of our friendship and his interest in me platonically.

Even still, there are times where if he doesn't respond for hours or maybe doesn't respond at all, I convince myself that I must have said something or done something to make him do xyz. Or act in a way that I personally perceive as distant or disinterest. The icing on the cake is even in those moments, when I do see him in person, I'm quickly reminded and self assured that nothing is wrong and nothing has changed within the dynamic. He still treats me the same and loves me the same despite what my brain is trying to convince myself. I'm not sure if it's coming from a place of fear of abandonment / in turn being a way to protect myself by feeling such anxiety.

Somethings I have done to help self soothe is literally writing down countless moments where he has shown interest, connection and treating me in a way that counters what my brain is thinking. Just curious if others have tips or tricks that have also worked for them?

I am a secure (though sometimes anxious-leaning if my partner is an avoidant) mid-30s female. I have been dating a mid-30s man for a couple months and things are going super well. As background, he hasn't had a serious relationship in ~6 years and describes himself as quite introverted.

We haven't had a discussion about exclusivity/etc. yet but today I said I'm really enjoying our relationship and getting to know him so far and asked how he's feeling.

He said he also feels it's going well and then said "sometimes when things are going well, I feel like I kind of "freeze" and go into a mode of almost like...trying not to make any sudden movements or do anything differently...because I feel like if I do, things that are going well might suddenly end or fall apart."

I can understand what he means, but I personally have never felt that way and am wondering if the feeling he's describing might align with any particular attachment type?

It sounds stupid to hold onto this after all these years. I know we were just kids when all this happened. But let’s just say that I was getting harassed by a classmate at school. I was trying to defend myself against the classmate, but it was really stressful for me and I wanted to cry. My best friend was right next to us hearing every word. But she didn’t say anything.

There’s been times at school where she’s gotten nervous about exams. There would be times where she would literally cry if we heard that we had a pop quiz. Everybody would be all comforting and reassuring to her. Don’t get me wrong, I was scared, but I don’t get why she gets sympathy, but I don’t.

I'm so proud of myself I have to share: After a year of trying to stay friends (I'm FA he's DA) I finally got the courage to ask him for radio silence.

It took me this long to ask him for this because I knew as soon as I asked him not to contact me again he would not do it untill I reached out first.

We dated for 2 years, I broke up with him as protest behavior (which I was completely unaware of at the time) he agreed and later told me he felt like a weight had been lifted off him– which sucked to hear, but tracks.

Anyway, we stayed friends as best we could, there's still a lot of love (too much love maybe), but he can't get over his issues, he doesn't trust me to get over mine (even though i am actively going to therapy and working on my overall well-being away from him), and the idea of being in a official commitment still gives him anxiety (he doesn't call it that, but if it quacks like a duck....) Not being able to have him but still acting as if we were together whenever we were was killing me, it's like we were dating except with no physical touch, we got together a lot less as friends obvi, once a month or so, but i felt like I was only pretending to be his friend and I wasn't being fair to me either by not allowing myself to move on.

So that's what I told him, I told him I wasn't being a good friend because I was riddled with second intentions, until I could fathom the idea of him dating someone else I couldn't be there for him properly just as a friend. He hated the idea of losing me, but he really admired how I got the courage to do something that hurt so much but would be best in the long run. He said he wished he had that strength. He asked me when he could contact me again, I told him I didn't know, I would have to be the one to do it first. He asked me not to let it be forever, I told him it wouldn't be. Probably.

We kissed one last time for old times' sake, and parted ways.

I cried all the way home, fell asleep with tears still falling, but now it's been a couple of days and, even though I still wished he had fought for us/gave us a fair chance now that we're aware of our dynamics and attachment theory, I'm glad I did it. I feel free! I feel like I'm finally taking a real step towards healing!

I'm so proud of myself!

I’ve been reading about Gottman’s bids for connection which is essentially an emotional bid that can be verbal or non-verbal, in which a person attempts to connect with their friend/partner. The friend/partner can turn towards the bid (positive, interested), away from the bid (dismissive) or against it (argumentative, rude).

An example might be if you share good news. Turning towards would be the other person enthusiastically congratulating you, asking questions about it. Turning away might be them responding “oh cool” in a flat tone of voice and not asking any questions, and turning against might be them saying “why are you telling me this? It’s not THAT amazing”.

It got me thinking about friendships, specifically why some people become close friends and others stay acquaintances. I’ve noticed that people who almost always turn towards bids for connection I make go onto become close friends, whereas people who usually turn away from bids for connection stay acquaintances. It also makes me mindful of how I respond to others’ bids for connection. If an acquaintance that I want to be closer with shares good news to me, I always try to make an effort to respond enthusiastically and to ask them about it.

What I want to know is - could you give me some more examples of bids for connections you might make in acquaintances/early friendships? Maybe specific examples of them turning towards/away from/against those?

She is a therapist so she knows all about attachment styles, and has already told me that she knows she has a very anxious attachment style. I have been working towards building a secure attachment for a long time, which is hard for me as a recovering fearful avoidant. I’ve been doing really well, and one of the reasons for that is because I’ve been holding firm to my boundaries. Though I like this friend as a person a lot, I know that insecure attachment styles often trigger me, so I have been trying to take our friendship slowly.

Though this friend has acknowledged she has an anxious attachment style, she honestly doesn’t seem to be doing anything to fix it. We had a bit of a disagreement last week… Seriously, I hesitate to even call it a disagreement because to me it didn’t seem like a big deal. But to her, it is a big deal. She describes it as an argument.

Over the course of the past few days, she has repeatedly told me and other people of issues that she has while hiding her feelings and minimizing issue at hand. When we respond in kind as if it isn’t a problem, she gets very hurt. For me specifically, when I try and resolve the problem or ask her follow up questions or ask her what she needs, she accuses me of being invalidating, criticizing her, and “only telling her what she wants to hear, not what’s in my heart.” It’s exhausting. To resolve our conversation, I told her that I was not trying to invalidate her or criticize, that I understood her feelings and thought that they were valid, but that I have a different perspective than her and therefore a different emotional response. I told her I was not going to apologize for my perspective, did not consider this to be an argument, and just thought that maybe I was not the best person to be a sounding board for her at the time. I told her there was no hard feelings. She is furious and is going to other people in our friend group saying she feels invalidated… I don’t even think she’s doing it to turn people against me, I just think that she is so desperate to be told she’s doing a “good job” in relationships that she doesn’t realize how damaging her actions are. I already tried telling her this in a more sensitive way, but got nowhere. I don’t know what to do.

The long story is that she and I met when I was working at a restaurant and she was a regular. I quit and we are both regulars now, but we have mutual friends who still work at this restaurant. She is also friends with the owner. The owner tried to date me after I quit, but his investors did not approve. So he and I became close friends with a lot of sexual tension, until that situation began to take a toll on my mental health and dating life and I ended my friendship with him. When I told her about what happened with the owner and me, she was hurt that neither of us had talked to her about it and felt like he and I had been excluding her, but I think she got over it. She considers all these people her friends, even though they do not spend time together outside of when she is visiting their workplace (I see them all outside of work regularly). She was at the restaurant the other day when none of our friends were present and she was injured. No one took a report. This is a big deal because her injury indicated unsafe working conditions for employees, an unsafe environment for customers, potential liability for the owner, and also made her feel disregarded and unimportant as someone who goes there almost every day and has been for the past five years. That’s fair. She asked me what I thought she should do. I told her to tell a manager in a professional way and then talk to the owner as a friend.

She sent a manager friend of her’s a message and told him that she wasn’t mad, it was no big deal, she didn’t think it was his fault because she knows he’s very busy, she didn’t want anyone to get in trouble, and was going to follow up with the owner strictly in a friendship capacity. I told her she needed to be more formal and professional, but she decided not to. The manager responded with a pretty generic “thanks for letting me know, sorry that happened” message. She was furious at her manager friend and started crying. She showed me what he had sent, saying that he was a fake friend, that she felt belittled and invisible, that he should have been more considerate of how upset she was, that he was stupid for not knowing she was upset. I told her that her message did not make her seem upset, and if she wanted to repair the friendship or wanted a different professional response, she should follow up and ask for that specifically. I said direct communication is empathy, this is a matter that affects her friend’s livelihood while it is just a matter of friendship for her, no one is a mind reader, etc. I was in problem-solving mode. I had been injured there at work in the past and had immediately emailed the owner about it- that was actually how he and I started talking and flirting. I reminded her I had been injured there too and recommended that when she talked to the owner, she should be super direct about her expectations and the fact that she wasn’t going to go after his business, and she would probably get a better response. I even said “I’m not saying this to criticize, just sharing what was effective in the two years I worked with this guy.”

This is when she accused me of gaslighting her, that I was blaming her communication style and therefore blaming her for her own hurt feelings. She said she wasn’t going to talk to the owner at all because he would take “my side” (??) She said she was triggered from her childhood and that I reminded her of an uncaring parent…she even said “I try so hard to anticipate other people’s feelings, but no one does the same for me and it hurts when people don’t act how I expect them to.” I told her that was an inauthentic way to communicate and she immediately ended the conversation, saying I called her “dishonest.” She said she didn’t want to talk to me until she could talk this over with her therapist.

For a secure person, this whole scenario would just be too much. It’s simply a matter of sending two emails, one to a manager who is your friend and one to the owner who is your friend. If you don’t feel like the issue is resolved, just communicate that! Literally, both of these people are just trying to do their jobs and she is the customer so if she says she is not happy they will say whatever she wants. But as a recovering avoidant, I am completely turned off by this friendship. Her emotions are all over the place and affecting her rationality. Since she is a therapist, I worry she thinks she knows best and can never be wrong about emotional issues. I feel like I don’t have the space to express my perspective or have constructive conversations at all, and she just keeps me around to regulate her own emotions. Barf.

Because I've posted a bit in here, I randomly get private DMs asking how someone who is AA (anxious attachment) leaning secure can work with a DA (dismissive avoidant) in a successful relationship, and how they can work things out with their DA partner. We've been together for almost 9 years and are getting married this fall, so I wanted to create a post on how we maintain a healthy relationship.

1. Self-Awareness

About 5 years ago, we were going through a rough patch and just weren't seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. There were certain behaviors between the both of us that neither of us understood. One thing about my DA partner is that they enjoy learning about themselves, so one day I sent them an article about attachment styles and had them take a test.

They recognized a lot of their own behaviors, as well as some of mine, and began to understand why we were acting in certain ways. This became the starting point for better understanding ourselves and each other. Being more open also led us to couples therapy, where they learned they tend to be controlling (not in a negative sense) and struggle with negative emotions. I learned that I tend to overreact and don’t handle ambiguity well.

2. Working on Ourselves and Communication

With self-awareness came the ability to work on ourselves. One key point I need to stress is that we were both willing to work on ourselves. One tool they found helpful was an emotional wheel. When they feel something, they go through the wheel, identify the emotions, and talk about them. I’ve learned to better self-regulate, avoiding the urge to respond immediately like it's a game of hot potato.

If I had to list the biggest areas of improvement:

Them:

• Taking time to process emotions rather than blocking them.
• Taking time to understand my point of view.
• Not projecting their emotions onto me.
• Faster self-regulation, resulting in much shorter shutdown periods, sometimes as brief as one day.
• Being more open to being wrong, and separating actions from their ego.

Me:

• Slowing down my reactions.
• Not making assumptions about others' feelings and thoughts.
• Staying rooted in facts and speaking from my perspective.
• Avoiding manipulation to control the situation.
• Setting and holding firmer boundaries, clearly communicating them, and sticking to them. When I communicate, I speak from an “I” perspective without putting the other person down.

One exercise we use (that they love/hate) is that one person states how they feel and what they think, and the other person has to repeat it back. The original person then decides if the repetition was accurate, and we try again if needed. This works great for DAs, who may think they’re communicating effectively when they aren’t. Here’s an example:

Them: "When you have late meetings, it's not good for me."

Me: "I think I understand—my late meetings are not good for you because... you have to eat late?"

Them: "No, your late meetings aren't good for me because I don't know where you are."

Me: "When I work late and have meetings, you want to know where I am? What are you feeling? Do you need something?"

Them: "Kind of. When you work late, I feel anxious not knowing where you are, and I’d appreciate updates and an ETA for when you'll be home."

For DAs, it sometimes takes a bit of drawing out to fully express what’s happening. We've learned how to effectively and constructively communicate.

3. We Are Secure in Our Relationship but Not Perfect

In our relationship, we are secure. We trust each other completely and know how to work with one another. For example, when they shut down and don't talk, I joke, "Well, when you're ready to talk, I'll be waiting for you to return to secure land with me." They chuckle at that and come back in a few hours, and I don't get anxious because I know they will.

Notice I’m not saying they are perfect. Some DA qualities still exist, but they exist in a range that's tolerable for me.

Outside of our relationship, we both show anxious or dismissive tendencies depending on the situation. They might have a minor argument with someone and dismiss them as irrelevant. I don’t do well with people who actively choose not to communicate, so I avoid those types of interactions. We’re not perfect, but we’ve learned how to be secure within our relationship.

4. What Should You Do About Your Own DA or AA Partner?

I’m not claiming to be all-knowing or that I have all the answers. I’m just sharing my thoughts based on my own experiences. So, when people DM me about their troubles with their DA partner, I’ll point them here.

1. Is the person self-aware, and are you self-aware as well? One thing I’ve found DAs do is project their emotions onto others and make them feel like it’s their fault. AAs are particularly susceptible to this. Both parties need to be self-aware of their own emotions and differentiate them from the other person's. Without that, you can't have an honest conversation, and you might need to walk away from the relationship.
2. Is the person actively working on themselves? Self-awareness is essential, but there also needs to be motivation to improve. Some people are self-aware but have no desire to change. If that’s the case, you may want to consider walking away.
3. Are you communicating healthily and respectfully? Healthy communication, to me, involves vulnerability, clearly stating how you feel from your own perspective, articulating your needs, and setting boundaries. Anxious people often have loose boundaries, which we need to firm up.
4. Understand that it won’t be perfect. AAs and DAs will likely retain some traits. The important thing is recognizing whether those traits are tolerable for you and if your needs are being met. It's okay if things aren't perfect.
5. Be okay with walking away. This is especially for anxious people who stick around long past closing time. Be okay with recognizing when your needs aren’t being met and likely never will be, and walk away from the relationship. It’s not that the other person is bad or evil—they just aren’t meeting you where you need them to. Don’t sacrifice yourself for who the person may become or how they were in the beginning. Live in the reality of now and act accordingly.

And that’s it! Hope this helps some people.

We’re running circles, chasing ghosts,
You pull away, I’m holding close,
You’re scared of love, I’m scared to lose,
We dance in shadows, but it’s always you.

You build your walls, I break them down,
I’m drowning here while you don’t make a sound.
Texting all day, then silence overnight,
I ask what’s wrong, you say “I’m fine” like it’s alright.
One day you’re here, the next you don’t care,
You flip the switch like I was never there.

One day you’re warm, your heart in my hand,
The next, you’re a stranger I can’t understand.
You shut down so fast, like a door slammed tight,
From holding me close to fading from sight.

The love in your eyes turns distant and cold,
Like the story we wrote just suddenly untold.
I stand in the silence, left wondering why,
How can something so real just turn into goodbye?

Resolving Complex Trauma Meditation Workshop.

This Sunday, the 8th, workshop on understanding the mental states (dismissing-avoidant and anxious preoccupied) that block trauma resolutions with guided meditation to employ the insights covered.

The course is available on a donation basis. If you can't make a donation just sign up for the scholarship under the 'register' button.

The course draws from Mentalization Based Treatment/Interpersonal Metacognitive Psychotherapy, Ideal Parent Figure Protocol (IPF), Attachment Theory, etc

Please not this isn't therapy or group therapy. It is a guided meditation and psycho-education program

https://attach.repair/2024-09-resolving-complex-trauma-cd-rd

I got into a car accident a few days ago. I was really upset and I texted my friend that I got to an accident. She kept insisting that she wanted to see me. She wasn’t being too pushy or anything. I didn’t want to see her because I like coping with things by myself.but I finally agreed to see her day after. And I was just annoyed with the whole thing. I guess that has different way of coping. Maybe she would like to be comforted like that. But I need my space when things like that happen.

We broke up 4 months ago. It was a blindside breakup and he said I did nothing wrong but just didn’t think I was the one (despite us being super well matched in all levels and wanting the same thing).

It was super hurtful and I went no contact for a few months. At the time he said the relationship door was closed and I said I couldn’t be friends.

3 weeks ago he started reaching out daily. It’s generally been light and playful banter. As that’s how he talks usually. I also think there’s a chance he’s dating someone as he is now off the dating apps but hasn’t actually confirmed this with me.

I don’t really want to ask directly what’s going on, since when we last talked about it months ago he said the relationship wasn’t going to happen and I want to be respectful and will likely push him away and make him shut down if I do.

But I am confused and still love him. He knows this too and admitted it the other day.

Anyone know what’s happening? Or how to navigate this?

I don’t want people to feel bad for me. Because I don’t want to throw a pity party and I don’t want any guy that I’m dating for themselves. Not being said, I worry that if I tell them things that I went through as a child, they wouldn’t care. I worry that if I told them about how my mom would threaten to give me away to another family, they wouldn’t pay much attention to it.

I guess I just want someone that will validate my feelings and will sympathize with what I went through. But I wonder if people are just innately evil. I genuinely don’t think that I’ll ever find someone that will recognize the pain that I felt.

I meditate on my feelings and mental thoughts a lot because I know I can’t trust my own knee jerk reactions. Sometimes I challenge misconceptions I have about the world and people.

One misconception I have right now is that if I find a girl attractive she’s automatically not going to value me, but I’m aware this is just a Survival mechanism. I’ve also learned it’s cruel to date women I don’t genuinely want to be with.

Now I force myself to only date women I’m Attracted to. It’s interesting because dating has become more challenging, but I’m learning how to stop fearing the women I actually wanna be with.

I feel like I can never trust anyone I’m dating. After the worst break up my life with a self-proclaimed FA, I’m hyper vigilant. Always giving the person I’m dating a chance to temper expectations or let me know how they feel but I just never fully believe them. I’m very communicative and have received really good feedback about it but I still feel like people are just afraid to hurt my feelings or something.

I was so clear with my ex and asked her if she was happy with the relationship. I often reassured her everything would be fine even if we broke up (she was constantly worried about the future of our relationship and her intense feelings for me) and she always told me everything was great and there were no issues. Even doing things to reassure me, only to blindside me with a bunch of issues she had never brought up and her resentment towards me for these things and then monkey branch to someone else while telling me she just wanted to take a break. Once I found out about her new partner, she insisted she broke up with me and I just didn’t realize.

This has really traumatized me cause for the longest I blamed myself for not being better and thinking of all the ways this new person was better than me. I realized there’s no way I could’ve shown up for someone who was not communicating truthfully with me but I still feel terrible.

Of course it has carried over into my new relationships and I just constantly feel inadequate and that I’m just being humored. It’s starting to really drive me insane because I was so secure before this. I never would have thought twice about these kinds of things and would only pity the person who lied to me and stayed in a relationship they didn’t actually want to be in.

I miss my secure way of thinking and fear dating is ruined for me forever as I’m only getting older and the dating pool is shrinking.

Anyone else dealing with this and have any suggestions?

Dear all,

Continuing the events reccounted here

I reached out to the person, & probably made things worse. After two and a half weeks, I got my friend to reach out to them & say:

"I'm so sorry to disturb you. He [me] just wants you to know that none of what happened was your fault whatsoever. It seemed to him [me] (though his perception of what is happening isn't always accurate) as though you, partly, blamed yourself for not being able to do what he wanted.

His demands were unreasonable and no-one could have fulfilled them. He needs to work on himself and nothing you did was wrong at all."

According to my friend they were overwhelmed by this (which I'm slightly baffled by, if I'm absolutely honest, but, I accept that they were & that that's bad).

Then, a whole month later, a friend of theirs phoned me up & tried to mock me. They (sarcastically) said I was extremely attractive, posh, & remarked that I was attracted to younger women (she was 18, I'm 23) & that they, themselves, were always available.

I was very polite and just said I was extremely sorry for my behaviour, & I felt regret and shame about it, & I felt that I'd handled everything badly. They hung-up & didn't call me or contact me again.

Then, a month later, I tried to follow them on Instagram, but, was blocked & rejected etc.

I'm just venting, to be honest, but, how bad is this behaviour? Am I an unsafe person? I've since turned down dates & just told people I'm not ready for anything, because I just can't handle anything at all romantic etc. etc. without going insane.

-V

Received it about a week ago. He was pretty explicitly asking to get back together, and then sent another email 6 hours afterward begging me not to read his first email. I replied anyway, basically asking if he'd be willing to work on himself to avoid self-sabotaging. If you look through the other posts I've made this summer, you can get some background info, lol. Any thoughts appreciated!

UPDATE: I replied with some basic questions ("how would you regain my trust," "how would you work on yourself/ show up to ensure the same thing doesn't happen again"). He replied with three emails, expressing a wish for us to reconnect but also doubt that he could meet my requests. He said he wrote out detailed answers to how he would do better next time, but didn't include them because writing it made him feel bad about what he did last time. I'm contemplating asking him if he wants to meet up and talk, because it seems like it might be easier to get clarity and figure out what we're doing here from one in-person conversation.

Everyone's aware of the cliche: after a while, the more anxious partner wants a deeper relationship; the more avoidant partner feels threatened, insecure, or unable to cope with this demand, & cuts things off.

Usually, the anxious person is pretty badly hurt, & blames themselves for this (& is probably pretty expressive about it).

But, what does the avoidant person feel? Do you feel relieved, or, defective? Or, does it just not bother you much because you weren't heavily invested in the first place?

Obviously, there will be some variation, but, I am just wondering what the typical feeling / response is?

Thanks,

-V

I guess this could be from a close relationship perspective, or not, but has someone said something kind to you that genuinely made you pause or rethink an avoidant/dismissive action or thought?

Dear all,

I'm pretty severely AP in romantic relationships. I delude myself into thinking whoever I'm dating is a goddess.

I know that, if someone was apologising to me after having hurt me, I'd want them, mainly, to acknowledge how their actions made me feel & apologise for doing them.

But in the past when I've tried to apologise to someone who's more avoidant, they just accepted my apology by sort of brushing it off, & then said that they hadn't been hurt by my actions, just disrespected & overwhelmed, & confused as to why what they had been giving wasn't enough. (It seemed to me, that they quite clearly had been very hurt & frightened). Unfortunately, I, in a major error, tried to point this out & my apology totally backfired & seemed insincere, & probably hurt them even more.

So, it got me curious. Avoidants, what do you actually want from an apology? Something simple and low in emotional depth? How should it be phrased? Do apologies feel .. restorative or repairative (of a relationship) to you?

Dear all,

I'm A.P. & a bit too emotionally open / vulnerable. I find it hard to understand the perspective of those on the avoidant spectrum.

I was recently reading the r/AvoidantAttachment subreddit, which I sometimes do to try & understand that perspective. One poster said that they felt 'emotionally colonised' when their partner expressed strong emotions / made emotional demands of them.

I read the comments of that post, & it seemed that that precise phrase, 'emotional colonisation' struck a big chord with ppl. on that sub-reddit.

I couldn't quite understand it, but, I was curious about it. I wondered if anyone wouldn't mind trying to explain, if they feel it accurately reflects how they feel.

-V

This woman and I have been extremely close friends for two years. We've known each other for longer, but reconnected at that time. We talked and messaged throughout the day every day for over a year. We traveled together several times. We spent time together with friends and at live music venues, family stuff, just things that best friends do. Then out of nowhere, about six months ago, she started distancing herself from me. Four months ago, I sent her a message to ask her if there was a problem, if there was something that I said or did. She replied emphatically that I hadn't done anything, just told me She was busy with some things and overwhelmed, but did not go into details. I was satisfied with that, but she did not increase contact. She would occasionally send me a short video or meme about once a week or every other week, but we never really had any in-depth conversations.

After two months of not hearing from her, a friend of mine told me that she saw her at a bar in close physical contact with my abusive ex. The three of us had worked together a few times, but generally she really never had anything particularly nice to say about him. She was with me throughout the entirety of his abuse, my breaking away from him, and the post separation abuse. It was very traumatic, and unfortunately being a DA, she doesn't believe in childhood trauma affecting adult behavior, doesn't believe in therapy, doesn't understand narcissistic abuse, would always tell me to just move on and get over it. Her romantic patterns were the same, she would act like a girlfriend but tell them they were just friends, if things got too close, she would just say that there was too much negativity and cut them off, only to go back to them a few months later. Anytime I would try to point out her behavior as either harmful to herself or potentially harmful to them, she would get angry and tell me she didn't want to hear anything about it.

Coincidentally, the following evening, another one of my best friends ran into her, told her that she should probably reach out to me because I was missing her and hurt that I hadn't heard from her. We started to just catch up, but I heard an edge in her voice. She has some business dealings with my ex, and she started getting defensive about it when I hadn't even brought it up and didn't plan to mention it. I asked her about the bar situation, which was already suspicious for several different reasons. She exploded, and because I knew a lot of the details about the circumstances already, she lied about a few of them. Then she started attacking me, telling me that she pulled away for things she supposedly had issues with from over a year ago. I asked her to give me examples, and she couldn't. She gaslit me about events 18 months ago, and I was able to pull up old messages disproving everything. She went on a litany for 30 minutes about all these things she said she didn't like about me. I asked her why she had kept this all to herself for so long and acted like everything was great, and even reminded her I gave her an opportunity to tell me what was wrong several months earlier. She never explained why she waited so long to unload all this.

By the end of the conversation, I was the one apologizing and in tears, and it took me to a very dark place of when my abusive ex-husband would do this anytime I brought up the slightest concern or complaint. We sort of agreed to work on repairing the friendship, but after thinking about everything, along with Several concerns I've had about problematic behavior over the last two years, I'm ready to end the friendship. I don't know if I should call her or send her a message addressing her behavior and disproving her accusations because I feel like they would only make her more angry and wouldn't resolve anything. or if I should just stop contacting her and let the friendship fade away. It makes me sad, but I feel like a close friend who really cared about me wouldn't engage like that with someone she knows abused me so badly, wouldn't gaslight me, wouldn't blow up on me and accuse me of things that weren't true.

ETA: She's now hoovering me, sending me funny memes and videos like nothing happened, liking my IG photos, something she's never done since we've been friends.

ETA: Some events transpired last night that lead me to believe 99% that there is something flirty or physical going on between her and my abusive ex. I've explained to her how this hurts me, I've questioned why she would engage with somebody she knows is a bad person. Her reply is that he never did anything bad to her. Who does that?!?

I’m an FA, and I need a lot of alone time. I enjoy my solitude. I have a friend who is currently unemployed, and she has time on her hands. She wants to hang out a lot, which is fine. We hung out for seven hours today.

She then asked if I was free tomorrow. Tbh, I didn’t want to hang out. Because today and tomorrow are the only days I have off, and I just want to chill. Not have to worry about anything and everyone.