I (36M) started dating my ex-FA (35F) for three months in late 2022 which ended in late February of 2023.

The relationship moved steadily and we would hang one night a week during the first two months. Date nights were fun and intimate and we started to become physical after the three week mark. Our values and vision for the future aligned and I felt I had met my person.

She told me she felt safe and secure and started asking for more time with me. She invited me to meet her brother and sister-in-law and everything felt cozy and natural. She was very texty and present when we would spend time together.

The next week was her birthday and she invited me to her parents' house to celebrate (she lived with them). During the invite, she trauma dumped about her abusive ex who she had filed a restraining order against which was unexpected but I supported her through it.

The party went great, her family loved me, and all felt right in the world. The next morning she ended the relationship via text, became cold and distant, and gave me no closure (not even a phone call). I was devastated and chased for a few weeks which resulted in heated exchanges. She re-wrote history and said that I was "narssistictic" and "didn't listen to her." She also said that it was strange that I found her attractive because of how "sickly she was" at the time.

Anyway, nearly two years later, we ran into each other and she text me after. She said she hadn't dated since me so she could "get her life in order" and wasn't planning until dating until she healed from a scheduled surgery in January. She invited me to a coffee and I agreed under the pretense of it being a "friendly catch up."

We caught up and didn't get too deep or anything, but it was nice. Afterward, she started to become more flirty and suggestive of romance. She invited me out to ice-cream a week later and we were more touchy and flirty and made out. She asked me out to a hike and we agreed to continue forward.

A few days before the hike, I was in her area and we agreed to grab dinner. We spoke about the past (I brought it up, per conversations with my therapist) and addressed what happened the first time. She stated she was "so lost" back then and apologized for hurting me. I also apologized for any hurt and we agreed that we were both at a better place. She then invited me to Thanksgiving at her parents' which I accepted.

The next Sunday we hiked together which was a lot of fun. We grabbed dinner after and she was vulnerable again and stated that her surgery was a partial-hysterectomy and that she would not be able to conceive children. I supported her and told her it wasn't a deal-breaker for me. She talked and opened up a lot and it was a nice conversation.

We spoke more about the future and expectations of how to do better this time. Everything felt so great. She then asked if we could be exclusive again, to which I agreed (*internally hesitant, I might add). She committed to being "open, honest, present, and communcative - always" with me. We then agreed to have a movie night the Sunday after Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving went great and it was a lot of fun seeing her family. The deja-vu anxiety was creeping in. After, we hugged and kissed in her driveway and I drove home, praying that things would be different.

The next morning, she text and all was well. Phew. Texting continued throughout the day and I felt a bit more relaxed. She was chatty and inquisitive and I truly felt that we were re-writing history. On Saturday, however, she ended things via text in the same fashion as before, even making note of how "this will feel like deja-vu."

The reasons? She made a "promise to herself" not to date someone again who had "hurt her in the past" and that she didn't feel we were compatible for a slew of nit-picked random reasons. Though she pushed for our initial hangouts, a relationship label, and Thanksgiving, etc., she said that the thought of being in a relationship with me "after the past we've had" felt wrong and that although we both may have changed, the timing "still didn't feel right" and that we should "close the book for good".

I asked for a phone call, bringing up our promise to be open, honest, and communicative, and she said, "we're not having a phone call. I never promised one, and I don't want to." The exact same reaction she had nearly two years prior. When I said we could work through this by communicating, she said, "Why would I talk to someone else when it's a personal decision not to be in a relationship?"

Once I saw the fangs coming out again, I sent a final text, which was:

"Had you raised your fears and concerns with me earlier and granted me a voice so we could collaborate, we could have worked through this.

A unilateral disregard of our commitment to one another, after inviting me into your home and welcoming a relationship with me, is not simply a personal decision; it is a breach of trust and integrity with respect to what you had told me when we had our dinners together.

However, I do respect your soveriegnty over your life and decision. Thank you so much for dinner and the hike and everything. THat was very kind of you, and I enjoyed our time together. Best wishes, <name>.

With care, <my name>"

She simply responded with, "Thank you. Best wishes <my name>." And that was that.

So there you are, folks. That's what rekindling with an unhealed/unaware FA is like. She is enjoying her separation elation, and I'm beginning to heal.

Dear all,

I'm looking into attachment theory more deeply, & I'd like to try to understand more the perspective of the avoidant. Does the website freetoattach offer an accurate explanation of their point of view?

Thanks,

-V

I’ve scoured this sub and read many comments from those with an anxious-avoidant/fearful avoidant attachment style, and many of the comments mention that they don’t want people to pity them if they share their childhood trauma. Hugs to you

For context: I’m dating a wonderful man. He is a fearful avoidant. I am one of the very few people who knows he experienced childhood trauma. He hasn’t revealed the extent of it, and I do not intend to actively seek more information.

He had told me many times that he feels safe with me, so I believe he will eventually share more about it. If and when he does, I don’t want to come across as though I’m pitying him. He doesn’t want to be seen as the child that this happened to.

My default would be to say “I’m so sorry this happened to you,” and to listen and hold him. Is that considered “pitying”? It feels like it.

Maybe there isn’t a correct answer or an answer at all. I’d love to hear the perspectives of those FAs who share similar feelings.

I want to jump right off and say I do not want to generalise or jump to conclusions regarding the person I'm dating, I just want to understand whether his behaviour is a sign of DA and if so, how I can approach the situation while not neglecting my own needs.

The person I'm dating has, like me, a very complex upbringing where his emotions were neglected from one side of his family. He took a took a long time to open up about this. In person, he is lovely and we have a good time together, but when we are apart (long distance currently) he doesn't communicate at all, only to set up plans for when we meet up next. I'm okay with this since I don't like texting or talking all the time either. When we have disagreements or I question his intentions, he runs away (quite literally sometimes).

A recent situation has made me really question our relationship. We were set to meet up this week, as if it wasn't this week we wouldn't see each other for quite some time (I'm leaving to my home country for a surgery) and he said he would be so, so disappointed if we didn't meet up. Anyway, we set the date and started looking at hotels and flights, and then silence. Nothing. I had a bad feeling in my stomach and it took me a lot too text him (I usually don't reach out first due to own fears) what was happening. He said he was super busy, wasn't sure if he could make it, and I said I understand, but to let me know over the weekend if our plans were happening. He told me he would, and said he still hopes that we can do something, and then abruptly said he needed to go to bed at like 9 pm.

The weekend comes and goes, and I haven't heard anything. I am so hurt because I was so understanding if he couldn't make it, but that he just had to let me know. He didn't.

I haven't texted him, and I don't plan to. Honestly I am not sure if I can move past this as in my world, it is plain disrespect, and not DA.

Is this something that could be DA behaviour?

Because I read different things everywhere. One website says that a DA wants a partner who is consistent, understanding and patient and the other website says that a DA feels safe and thrives with someone who is toxic and emotionally unavailable.

These things are completely different.

Does it differ per person? What does a DA actually want?

Wherever I go, I keep developing attachment/minor crush/fantasies about the men in my life. Sometimes multiple men in the same time. And I am always hyper conscious about random strange men walking past me, sharing space in the subway, etc. I am so, so tired, and I feel like a f*cling creep.

And I am annoyed by what might be these random crushes: my social anxiety, my parent's expectations about marriage, society's pressure on women to look attractive to men, my maternal instinct around immature men, daddy issues created by avoidant dad, and desperately wanting to be approved and loved by men because of it.

I have been working on my anxiety and disorganized attachment for some time. My social anxiety around myself and friends have become much better, but I still struggle with romantic attraction. Because of this, I had dating issues and nothing ever developed into a relationship.

Once I start developing fantasies, it takes away energy and focus from what I do around them... at work, classes, meetups and gatherings. Even when I travelled with a friend who brought her boyfriend. I want to be present and enjoy my activities, but I can't help losing myself when these feelings come up.

Maybe it's because I never talked to boys growing up, and it makes me tense to be around them. I used to avoid people in general and men were the last people I would talk to. So by exposing myself to more platonic meetups I am hoping to 'casualize' being in the presence of men.

During my late 20s life, I made two guy friends whom I don't fantasize about (I did when I first met them), but it was only possible because they are both taken and unobtainable romantically. And I hate that I can't get to know single men without developing fantasies about them.

As a previous anxious preoccupied earned secure attachment theory has become my special interest and I'm interested to know other people's journey. I know avoidants are less likely to seek therapy and self reflect (no judgement! Totally understandable why!) so I'm super curious to hear what made it become a priority to you and why.

Background: I previously shared about a long distance severe DA (both in our 30s) who pursued and love-bombed me 1.5 years ago but then said he wasn’t ready for anything serious, claiming he’d be a terrible boyfriend and suggesting we stay friends, that he could see himself with me he just wasn’t there yet. Despite this, he wanted daily contact and avoided talking about other girls. I asked him to talk about it early on so I’d stop seeing him romantically but he refused and eventually I developed feelings.

This March I started to develop deep feelings and I said maybe it was best we cut contact so he was free to date others but he didn’t want to so I said I would need him to visit here so I didn’t feel like I’m just wasting time and he was investing in us too but I did say obviously you are single so if you get into a relationship (he said very doubtful) let me know as it wouldn’t be appropriate to visit me. This led to back-and-forth conversations where he’d agree to visit but nothing would be booked with him eventually admitting that he found it easy to see others but with me he knew that we were more than just friends and he felt a lot of pressure, overwhelm and unsafe, worried he’d say or do the wrong thing if he saw me and with me he’s reminded how bad he is at relationships, yet he didn’t want to lose me because ‘I’m so great’ and it was his perception rather than reality and then to forget he’d said anything.

Update: To ease his anxiety, I suggested booking a concert and on the approach I’ll text less to give space. He said at the time he was single and no plans to date. After 3 weeks no contact I sent him a birthday message and straight away the inconsistent messaging started, asking me questions but leaving me on read but double messaging me if I didn’t respond quick enough. One day he brought up the concert asking the date for it so I responded and it lay on delivered, 2 days went by so I asked him if there was a reason he’d asked, a week went by on delivered before I finally asked if he could please open the message as the inconsistency was leaving me a bit confused. He opened it and all it read was: “I understand. I think I can still come if you want me to. I’ve met someone.”

I was so upset that he ghosted me for a week, then sent a short message saying he’d met someone, knowing I had feelings and wouldn’t want him to come. Later, he admitted he’d been dragging out having this conversation, that he didn’t mean or want this to happen and he was conflicted due to the complications it would cause. That the whole time we’ve been ‘friends’ he’s felt too bad to date because of our situation. When I asked how this happened, he said it wasn’t planned and acknowledged he shouldn’t be dating with commitment issues, but “it is what it is.”

I called him out for being dismissive of the emotional impact dragging this out had on me, and he switched to saying we don’t work, it’s draining and takes up too much emotions and energy, but I’m a very kind person who will find someone and all he wants is me to be happy, as if I’d been forcing him to stay in this situation. It turns out he’s not even in a relationship, he just met someone who he doesn’t intend to be in a relationship with so likely using this as an excuse to avoid visiting.

So the moral of the story is I need to work on self love and respect that when people are wishy washy, the answer isn’t to keep showing love and understanding but to walk away and protect yourself from wasted time. I’m not entirely sure he ever had any feelings for me or if it was just convinient to have a girl there show him care until it became too much of a headache for him because he’d be expected to invest at some level. I said we were better stopping contact, he agreed and tried to continue for a bit but I stopped responding and that’s it done.

See title. Did it get removed, or am I just not savvy enough to find it? If removed, does someone remember the name? Asking for a friend. Thanks!

I think my experience could be useful so share here. I also would like someone to be witness of my story. It will also helps me remember if I get activated in the future. It's long.

So in march 2022 I (AP - 38) was ghosted by my girlfriend (FA). One day I found myself blocked on whatsapp and telegram and that was it. In the following 3 months, I sent her a couple letters, I went once to ring at her door, then I resigned.

It's was by far the hardest and most damaging break up I lived. Dealing with her absence, the grieving of my future life with her, and missing her in daily life was tough, but dealing with the wall of silence and contempt was impossible.

It led me to discover attachment theory and to therapy though, which as improved my life hundredfolds.

During the beginning of the year, I noticed she had unblocked me from both whatsapp and telegram. At the time I was still opening the apps from time to time to check, as well as checking her linkedIn (neither of us have insta or facebook). I don't know how long I had been unblocked, but the fact she unblocked me on both app seemed purposeful. I started to hope she would eventually reach out to me and give me the explanations I needed. She didn't.

Somehow, being unblocked was reassuring because it meant that from now on I could reach out to her if I needed to. However, when I was feeling well, I didn't feel the need to reach out and talk to her. I only did when I was having occasional epsiodes of intense sadness, anger and anxiety.

A couple months ago I realised I didn't have these anymore. I had somehow forgiven her. I felt I was now safe enough and could reach out to her, and deal with her reaction whatever it would be. I wanted to do it for 2 reasons:

1. She has been a very important person in my life and I don't like to be entirely estranged from her, I would like to have an amicable to friendly relationship with her. If I met her randomly in the street, I would like to be able to walk to her and say hello rather than be paralyzed and pretend she didn't exist. I have friendly relationships with two other important exes and I appreciate that a lot.

2. I got used to go on without any explanations and without closure, but I still prefered to have one if I could. I learned a lot already, but I think I could learn more if we could talk together, about we did wrong in the relationship to lead her to decide to leave and ghost.

I also thought she might also like to talk, but maybe didn't dare to reach out due to guilt and fear of my reaction. (Also because I had ghosted someone when I was 20 and it had hurt me. Later, I wished to talk to her and understand with her what had happened, but never dared to do it (until...15 years later!)).

Feeling calm and centered, I thought I was sure to get the closure I had desperatly wanted for so long.

So I texted her a short message, something like "hey I though of you and decided to reach out, how are you doing?" I went to bed without answer. I was dissapointed but ok.

When I woke up I had one. She said she had also been thinking about me from time to time and considered reaching out, that she was doing all good and asked how I was doing.

I answered with another short message giving couple of news about me, handles for her to ask more questions if she wanted.

She hasn't answered after that, it was a week ago.

It has been more upsetting than I expected. I have been unproductive at work and struggling in the evenings. I don't understand why she answered the first message and said she too had been wanting to reach out only to stop the conversation there. I don't take it personnaly anymore.

But I got what I wanted. I wanted to check if she wanted to talk, and I now know she doens't, or can't. I will probably have a few episodes of pain in the coming days, but I can close that book.

Thanks for reading, comments are welcome.

Hello,

My ex (35F) broke up with me (36M) 1.5 years ago a day after her birthday. We spent it at her family's house.

She broke up with me via text and wouldn't speak to me on the phone. Pure avoidant deactivation style at the peek of our relationship. I chased for a bit, but threw in the towel and began to heal.

Fast forward and I spent the last 1.5 years moving on. I'm in a masters program and doing great other than romance. My ex reached out to me and apologized last Tuesday. She seemed sincere.

We exchanged texts and caught up and she seems to be in a better place. She said she hadn't dated at all since our breakup. She lives at home due the housing market and her lower earnings (she's a hairstylist).

She asked me out to coffee Sunday and we had a fun time together catching up. I was excited to see her, but my guard was up. She didn't know that, but it was. I was hesitant to accept the coffee date, but I'm glad I went.

She was more open and vulnerable with me. She seemed comfortable. Since then, she's been texty and invited me for a long hike (6+ hours) this weekend. I feel this would be a great opportunity to catch up more and feel her out. However, I'm a bit ambivalent.

I was discarded so quickly and out of the blue that I'm scared it will happen again. I believe her that she's worked on herself, however attachment is such an automatic trigger when it happens. She won't even know when it hits.

I also don't want to overload her with too many heavy topics. I just want to enjoy her company and see where everything goes. I'm finding my feelings for her coming back which is scary given our history.

Any advice for anyone who has been in this situation? I believe her to be an FA. Prior to me, she has a history of toxic partners. She acknowledged her poor choices and said she wasn't at a place to accept me because she didn't know how to. While I do believe her words, I'm not sure if she does if that makes sense. Again, attachment is automatic.

Her family approved of me. I got along with them well. She met mine too, and I felt she was the one.

She was incredibly consistent and affectionate with me during our relationship until she wasn't. But she did acknowledge her shortcomings and apologize. I'm just not sure if her discard of me was entirely attachment based or due to her prior trauma (when we had started to date she had only been 3 months removed from a toxic relationship which involved a restraining order. I was unaware at the time).

She's been more flirty and eager to see me via text. I wouldn't call it love bombing per se as we have history. But I sense her excitement. I just don't know when the appropriate time is to have "the future talk" so she knows my boundaries. We have similar values, views for the future, and hobbies and interests. Everything is there, except the attachment/trauma question mark.

I forgave her a long time ago. If she has healed and won't leave me again, I'd be overjoyed to have her in my life. I'm at a place now where if I did bring up the convo and she ran for the hills I'd be at peace, but have some doubt that I made the wrong move by not taking things slow.

On the other hand, falling in love with her again and being discarded I just can't have happen again. I have therapy scheduled for next week to discuss this all with my therapist as well.

Thank you all.

I (28F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (30M) for a year and a half now, and it's my first-ever stable and healthy relationship. Prior to this, I was stuck in a toxic on/off cycle with someone for three years, and the intensity of emotions just made everything feel so exciting all the time even though it wasn't good for me. Everyone I was involved with before that just never committed to me.

While I am happy in my relationship, now that we've been together for a while and have been sharing our lives with each other, I sometimes struggle with how normal and not exciting it can feel. The first few months were super exciting because we were just getting to know each other, and every time we saw each other felt like a big deal. Now, we are together more than half the week (don't live together yet), and it just feels so normal seeing him all the time instead of a rush of emotions.

I should add, we've both been struggling A LOT in our jobs. His is really demanding of his time and he has to travel and talk to people a lot, and mine is really mentally demanding but I work from home. So by time he comes over after work and after we both work out, we eat dinner, clean up, shower, watch TV and sleep. I know that that's normal and healthy and how most relationships are, but the routine sometimes makes me feel worried.

The moments of silence don't feel natural to me and sometimes I get uncomfortable and anxious, because I'm not used to just being with someone like this and I think it triggers me to think that the person is withdrawing. I haven't completely opened up to him about how my past relationships have affected me, because it doesn't ever really cause problems between us and is something I would like to try and work on myself without having to make it about us if possible.

It feels silly, but for context, a dear friend of mine who I also have a deep crush on just canceled plans and said he was sick. Now logically, I can assure myself that he is telling the truth, but emotionally I feel rejected or as if they don't want to see me. I'm validating the #FEELING in my body but logically I know it's irrational. This is where the real attachment wound work comes in, because I can rationalize the truth of the situation but it's difficult to shake how it feels in my body and reassuring myself that the doubtful chain of thoughts are not true! Looking for any tips or guidance on how you manage your emotions/reactions when you feel triggered by an action

Anyone else watch Love is Blind? The breakup scene between Ramses and Marissa was so painful to watch. Curious to hear everyone’s thoughts.

I 25F have been told in multiple relationships that I can come off as being secretive or mysterious. I have even been told I am very private by colleagues in the past. I think it is true.

I guess it’s hard for me to understand what it looks like to truly be open. I have a lot of feelings and thoughts in my mind but a lot of times I am unsure what is acceptable to share and what is not. I am not the type to voluntarily share information. I usually base my engagement with others on what they have going on. I don’t always feel comfortable when the topic is about me. I also noticed that when the topic is on me, I give vague answers. I guess I really don’t know how to be open and personal.

My partner mentioned today that it feels hard to trust me when I don’t share things with him.

What does being vulnerable or open look like on a daily basis? Especially in a relationship.

I would say throughout my 20s I was secure, with some avoidant tendencies. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for a couple of years. Gaslighting, double lives/infidelity, freezing out etc. It has been over 3 years since that marriage ended. When I initially started dating I certainly had walls, something of an avoidance phase. A had a couple of short relationships, learned from them, etc.

Now I am in a relationship of over a year. I am dealing with a lot of anxious attachment feelings and behaviors. Consistently worried about what my partner thinks, how their/my/our behavior and mood reflects on where the relationship is, analyzing mistakes we’ve made for months, etc.

I am really concerned about how they perceive me, which has never been an issue for me. I would say my partner is a critical person- open about positive and negative critiques. Personality wise they are more direct and I am more empathetic, and we come from different cultures. I find that I get fixated on the critics. Yes sometimes it needs to be checked, but other times it is small and I still feel defensive/concerned what she thinks of me, vs just being secure in who I am. Sure it is annoying when someone says how they prefer something to be cleaned, but it’s not something to be either defensive or insecure about. I think much of this stems from the emotional abuse and manipulation I experienced.

While I’m experiencing these anxious thoughts, I’m having a hard time moving forward in the relationship. For example, we’ve been talking about moving in for a few months. I’m finding this anxiety is keeping me from feeling secure about that move.

So, I am wondering if a significant unhealthy relationship can shift someone’s attachment style. If so, how might folks shift back to a secure attachment. I am in therapy which has helped, but I find rumination to be an ongoing challenge.

Thank you for any advice or resources.

Hi everyone,

Some context- For most my adult life I was secure, with some avoidant tendencies. After an emotionally abusive marriage, I have been dealing with a shift to anxious.

I have been with my partner for a year. In many ways, I feel very aligned and understood on a deep level. As with any relationship, situations and conversations happen where we have different interpretations and perspectives. I have found that when these interpretations relate to me, I feel misunderstood and judged. I want to explain to my partner their misinterpretation. If their perspective does not shift, I can ruminate on it.

I like that I am with someone who is honest with their thoughts. I also think having a partner who is open with their perspective and observations of you leaves room for reflection and growth—there have certainly been situations where this has occurred. But when we do not end up aligned in some way, I struggle not to let it affect me.

How do folks let go of misinterpretations of themselves from people close to them? What are some common root causes to explore that may be leading to ruminating on this?

Example: I have been learning their first language. I did a class over the summer, which took a lot of time. As an adult with a full time job and various priorities, there were weeks when I was stressed or not able to give as much attention to the class. Additionally, I was overwhelmed trying to balance the class with work, hobbies, friendships, personal time, family, and relationship. For me, this is just the reality of being an adult learner. I am ok with the choices I made to prioritize other parts of life over the class some weeks, and that I become stressed during the busier weeks.

For my partner, they feel I did not fully own my choice to take the class. That I become resentful of the class because it was pulling me from other parts of my life that bring me joy. They also felt I was not doing quality work during the busy weeks.

We have talked about it more since. I expressed that I do not feel fully supported, which helped. They did not change their perspective on the situation. They said themselves- only you know and this is your life. That it is their perspective they are being honest about.

I struggle not to perceive the comments as judgment, and to accept that their perspectives on a situation can differ from mine. I become concerned with making them see my perspective.

Though I think my response is normal, I would also like to be someone who doesn't care so much about what their partner thinks. That if I am ok with my choices, to just let go of critiques and accept we have different perspectives. I see this pattern in other situations in our relationship.

Hi y'all,

I wanted to reach out regarding some anxious tendencies I'm experiencing and finding better, more efficient ways to self soothe. For context.. I'm gay 26M who has serious feelings for one of my newfound best friends who is straight ( or claims lol ) but regardless. He has actually helped my attachment style (AA) in the sense of responding quick, giving unwarranted reassurance of our friendship and his interest in me platonically.

Even still, there are times where if he doesn't respond for hours or maybe doesn't respond at all, I convince myself that I must have said something or done something to make him do xyz. Or act in a way that I personally perceive as distant or disinterest. The icing on the cake is even in those moments, when I do see him in person, I'm quickly reminded and self assured that nothing is wrong and nothing has changed within the dynamic. He still treats me the same and loves me the same despite what my brain is trying to convince myself. I'm not sure if it's coming from a place of fear of abandonment / in turn being a way to protect myself by feeling such anxiety.

Somethings I have done to help self soothe is literally writing down countless moments where he has shown interest, connection and treating me in a way that counters what my brain is thinking. Just curious if others have tips or tricks that have also worked for them?

I am a secure (though sometimes anxious-leaning if my partner is an avoidant) mid-30s female. I have been dating a mid-30s man for a couple months and things are going super well. As background, he hasn't had a serious relationship in ~6 years and describes himself as quite introverted.

We haven't had a discussion about exclusivity/etc. yet but today I said I'm really enjoying our relationship and getting to know him so far and asked how he's feeling.

He said he also feels it's going well and then said "sometimes when things are going well, I feel like I kind of "freeze" and go into a mode of almost like...trying not to make any sudden movements or do anything differently...because I feel like if I do, things that are going well might suddenly end or fall apart."

I can understand what he means, but I personally have never felt that way and am wondering if the feeling he's describing might align with any particular attachment type?

I'm so proud of myself I have to share: After a year of trying to stay friends (I'm FA he's DA) I finally got the courage to ask him for radio silence.

It took me this long to ask him for this because I knew as soon as I asked him not to contact me again he would not do it untill I reached out first.

We dated for 2 years, I broke up with him as protest behavior (which I was completely unaware of at the time) he agreed and later told me he felt like a weight had been lifted off him– which sucked to hear, but tracks.

Anyway, we stayed friends as best we could, there's still a lot of love (too much love maybe), but he can't get over his issues, he doesn't trust me to get over mine (even though i am actively going to therapy and working on my overall well-being away from him), and the idea of being in a official commitment still gives him anxiety (he doesn't call it that, but if it quacks like a duck....) Not being able to have him but still acting as if we were together whenever we were was killing me, it's like we were dating except with no physical touch, we got together a lot less as friends obvi, once a month or so, but i felt like I was only pretending to be his friend and I wasn't being fair to me either by not allowing myself to move on.

So that's what I told him, I told him I wasn't being a good friend because I was riddled with second intentions, until I could fathom the idea of him dating someone else I couldn't be there for him properly just as a friend. He hated the idea of losing me, but he really admired how I got the courage to do something that hurt so much but would be best in the long run. He said he wished he had that strength. He asked me when he could contact me again, I told him I didn't know, I would have to be the one to do it first. He asked me not to let it be forever, I told him it wouldn't be. Probably.

We kissed one last time for old times' sake, and parted ways.

I cried all the way home, fell asleep with tears still falling, but now it's been a couple of days and, even though I still wished he had fought for us/gave us a fair chance now that we're aware of our dynamics and attachment theory, I'm glad I did it. I feel free! I feel like I'm finally taking a real step towards healing!

I'm so proud of myself!

I’ve been reading about Gottman’s bids for connection which is essentially an emotional bid that can be verbal or non-verbal, in which a person attempts to connect with their friend/partner. The friend/partner can turn towards the bid (positive, interested), away from the bid (dismissive) or against it (argumentative, rude).

An example might be if you share good news. Turning towards would be the other person enthusiastically congratulating you, asking questions about it. Turning away might be them responding “oh cool” in a flat tone of voice and not asking any questions, and turning against might be them saying “why are you telling me this? It’s not THAT amazing”.

It got me thinking about friendships, specifically why some people become close friends and others stay acquaintances. I’ve noticed that people who almost always turn towards bids for connection I make go onto become close friends, whereas people who usually turn away from bids for connection stay acquaintances. It also makes me mindful of how I respond to others’ bids for connection. If an acquaintance that I want to be closer with shares good news to me, I always try to make an effort to respond enthusiastically and to ask them about it.

What I want to know is - could you give me some more examples of bids for connections you might make in acquaintances/early friendships? Maybe specific examples of them turning towards/away from/against those?

She is a therapist so she knows all about attachment styles, and has already told me that she knows she has a very anxious attachment style. I have been working towards building a secure attachment for a long time, which is hard for me as a recovering fearful avoidant. I’ve been doing really well, and one of the reasons for that is because I’ve been holding firm to my boundaries. Though I like this friend as a person a lot, I know that insecure attachment styles often trigger me, so I have been trying to take our friendship slowly.

Though this friend has acknowledged she has an anxious attachment style, she honestly doesn’t seem to be doing anything to fix it. We had a bit of a disagreement last week… Seriously, I hesitate to even call it a disagreement because to me it didn’t seem like a big deal. But to her, it is a big deal. She describes it as an argument.

Over the course of the past few days, she has repeatedly told me and other people of issues that she has while hiding her feelings and minimizing issue at hand. When we respond in kind as if it isn’t a problem, she gets very hurt. For me specifically, when I try and resolve the problem or ask her follow up questions or ask her what she needs, she accuses me of being invalidating, criticizing her, and “only telling her what she wants to hear, not what’s in my heart.” It’s exhausting. To resolve our conversation, I told her that I was not trying to invalidate her or criticize, that I understood her feelings and thought that they were valid, but that I have a different perspective than her and therefore a different emotional response. I told her I was not going to apologize for my perspective, did not consider this to be an argument, and just thought that maybe I was not the best person to be a sounding board for her at the time. I told her there was no hard feelings. She is furious and is going to other people in our friend group saying she feels invalidated… I don’t even think she’s doing it to turn people against me, I just think that she is so desperate to be told she’s doing a “good job” in relationships that she doesn’t realize how damaging her actions are. I already tried telling her this in a more sensitive way, but got nowhere. I don’t know what to do.

The long story is that she and I met when I was working at a restaurant and she was a regular. I quit and we are both regulars now, but we have mutual friends who still work at this restaurant. She is also friends with the owner. The owner tried to date me after I quit, but his investors did not approve. So he and I became close friends with a lot of sexual tension, until that situation began to take a toll on my mental health and dating life and I ended my friendship with him. When I told her about what happened with the owner and me, she was hurt that neither of us had talked to her about it and felt like he and I had been excluding her, but I think she got over it. She considers all these people her friends, even though they do not spend time together outside of when she is visiting their workplace (I see them all outside of work regularly). She was at the restaurant the other day when none of our friends were present and she was injured. No one took a report. This is a big deal because her injury indicated unsafe working conditions for employees, an unsafe environment for customers, potential liability for the owner, and also made her feel disregarded and unimportant as someone who goes there almost every day and has been for the past five years. That’s fair. She asked me what I thought she should do. I told her to tell a manager in a professional way and then talk to the owner as a friend.

She sent a manager friend of her’s a message and told him that she wasn’t mad, it was no big deal, she didn’t think it was his fault because she knows he’s very busy, she didn’t want anyone to get in trouble, and was going to follow up with the owner strictly in a friendship capacity. I told her she needed to be more formal and professional, but she decided not to. The manager responded with a pretty generic “thanks for letting me know, sorry that happened” message. She was furious at her manager friend and started crying. She showed me what he had sent, saying that he was a fake friend, that she felt belittled and invisible, that he should have been more considerate of how upset she was, that he was stupid for not knowing she was upset. I told her that her message did not make her seem upset, and if she wanted to repair the friendship or wanted a different professional response, she should follow up and ask for that specifically. I said direct communication is empathy, this is a matter that affects her friend’s livelihood while it is just a matter of friendship for her, no one is a mind reader, etc. I was in problem-solving mode. I had been injured there at work in the past and had immediately emailed the owner about it- that was actually how he and I started talking and flirting. I reminded her I had been injured there too and recommended that when she talked to the owner, she should be super direct about her expectations and the fact that she wasn’t going to go after his business, and she would probably get a better response. I even said “I’m not saying this to criticize, just sharing what was effective in the two years I worked with this guy.”

This is when she accused me of gaslighting her, that I was blaming her communication style and therefore blaming her for her own hurt feelings. She said she wasn’t going to talk to the owner at all because he would take “my side” (??) She said she was triggered from her childhood and that I reminded her of an uncaring parent…she even said “I try so hard to anticipate other people’s feelings, but no one does the same for me and it hurts when people don’t act how I expect them to.” I told her that was an inauthentic way to communicate and she immediately ended the conversation, saying I called her “dishonest.” She said she didn’t want to talk to me until she could talk this over with her therapist.

For a secure person, this whole scenario would just be too much. It’s simply a matter of sending two emails, one to a manager who is your friend and one to the owner who is your friend. If you don’t feel like the issue is resolved, just communicate that! Literally, both of these people are just trying to do their jobs and she is the customer so if she says she is not happy they will say whatever she wants. But as a recovering avoidant, I am completely turned off by this friendship. Her emotions are all over the place and affecting her rationality. Since she is a therapist, I worry she thinks she knows best and can never be wrong about emotional issues. I feel like I don’t have the space to express my perspective or have constructive conversations at all, and she just keeps me around to regulate her own emotions. Barf.

Because I've posted a bit in here, I randomly get private DMs asking how someone who is AA (anxious attachment) leaning secure can work with a DA (dismissive avoidant) in a successful relationship, and how they can work things out with their DA partner. We've been together for almost 9 years and are getting married this fall, so I wanted to create a post on how we maintain a healthy relationship.

1. Self-Awareness

About 5 years ago, we were going through a rough patch and just weren't seeing eye to eye on a lot of things. There were certain behaviors between the both of us that neither of us understood. One thing about my DA partner is that they enjoy learning about themselves, so one day I sent them an article about attachment styles and had them take a test.

They recognized a lot of their own behaviors, as well as some of mine, and began to understand why we were acting in certain ways. This became the starting point for better understanding ourselves and each other. Being more open also led us to couples therapy, where they learned they tend to be controlling (not in a negative sense) and struggle with negative emotions. I learned that I tend to overreact and don’t handle ambiguity well.

2. Working on Ourselves and Communication

With self-awareness came the ability to work on ourselves. One key point I need to stress is that we were both willing to work on ourselves. One tool they found helpful was an emotional wheel. When they feel something, they go through the wheel, identify the emotions, and talk about them. I’ve learned to better self-regulate, avoiding the urge to respond immediately like it's a game of hot potato.

If I had to list the biggest areas of improvement:

Them:

• Taking time to process emotions rather than blocking them.
• Taking time to understand my point of view.
• Not projecting their emotions onto me.
• Faster self-regulation, resulting in much shorter shutdown periods, sometimes as brief as one day.
• Being more open to being wrong, and separating actions from their ego.

Me:

• Slowing down my reactions.
• Not making assumptions about others' feelings and thoughts.
• Staying rooted in facts and speaking from my perspective.
• Avoiding manipulation to control the situation.
• Setting and holding firmer boundaries, clearly communicating them, and sticking to them. When I communicate, I speak from an “I” perspective without putting the other person down.

One exercise we use (that they love/hate) is that one person states how they feel and what they think, and the other person has to repeat it back. The original person then decides if the repetition was accurate, and we try again if needed. This works great for DAs, who may think they’re communicating effectively when they aren’t. Here’s an example:

Them: "When you have late meetings, it's not good for me."

Me: "I think I understand—my late meetings are not good for you because... you have to eat late?"

Them: "No, your late meetings aren't good for me because I don't know where you are."

Me: "When I work late and have meetings, you want to know where I am? What are you feeling? Do you need something?"

Them: "Kind of. When you work late, I feel anxious not knowing where you are, and I’d appreciate updates and an ETA for when you'll be home."

For DAs, it sometimes takes a bit of drawing out to fully express what’s happening. We've learned how to effectively and constructively communicate.

3. We Are Secure in Our Relationship but Not Perfect

In our relationship, we are secure. We trust each other completely and know how to work with one another. For example, when they shut down and don't talk, I joke, "Well, when you're ready to talk, I'll be waiting for you to return to secure land with me." They chuckle at that and come back in a few hours, and I don't get anxious because I know they will.

Notice I’m not saying they are perfect. Some DA qualities still exist, but they exist in a range that's tolerable for me.

Outside of our relationship, we both show anxious or dismissive tendencies depending on the situation. They might have a minor argument with someone and dismiss them as irrelevant. I don’t do well with people who actively choose not to communicate, so I avoid those types of interactions. We’re not perfect, but we’ve learned how to be secure within our relationship.

4. What Should You Do About Your Own DA or AA Partner?

I’m not claiming to be all-knowing or that I have all the answers. I’m just sharing my thoughts based on my own experiences. So, when people DM me about their troubles with their DA partner, I’ll point them here.

1. Is the person self-aware, and are you self-aware as well? One thing I’ve found DAs do is project their emotions onto others and make them feel like it’s their fault. AAs are particularly susceptible to this. Both parties need to be self-aware of their own emotions and differentiate them from the other person's. Without that, you can't have an honest conversation, and you might need to walk away from the relationship.
2. Is the person actively working on themselves? Self-awareness is essential, but there also needs to be motivation to improve. Some people are self-aware but have no desire to change. If that’s the case, you may want to consider walking away.
3. Are you communicating healthily and respectfully? Healthy communication, to me, involves vulnerability, clearly stating how you feel from your own perspective, articulating your needs, and setting boundaries. Anxious people often have loose boundaries, which we need to firm up.
4. Understand that it won’t be perfect. AAs and DAs will likely retain some traits. The important thing is recognizing whether those traits are tolerable for you and if your needs are being met. It's okay if things aren't perfect.
5. Be okay with walking away. This is especially for anxious people who stick around long past closing time. Be okay with recognizing when your needs aren’t being met and likely never will be, and walk away from the relationship. It’s not that the other person is bad or evil—they just aren’t meeting you where you need them to. Don’t sacrifice yourself for who the person may become or how they were in the beginning. Live in the reality of now and act accordingly.

And that’s it! Hope this helps some people.

We’re running circles, chasing ghosts,
You pull away, I’m holding close,
You’re scared of love, I’m scared to lose,
We dance in shadows, but it’s always you.

You build your walls, I break them down,
I’m drowning here while you don’t make a sound.
Texting all day, then silence overnight,
I ask what’s wrong, you say “I’m fine” like it’s alright.
One day you’re here, the next you don’t care,
You flip the switch like I was never there.

One day you’re warm, your heart in my hand,
The next, you’re a stranger I can’t understand.
You shut down so fast, like a door slammed tight,
From holding me close to fading from sight.

The love in your eyes turns distant and cold,
Like the story we wrote just suddenly untold.
I stand in the silence, left wondering why,
How can something so real just turn into goodbye?

Resolving Complex Trauma Meditation Workshop.

This Sunday, the 8th, workshop on understanding the mental states (dismissing-avoidant and anxious preoccupied) that block trauma resolutions with guided meditation to employ the insights covered.

The course is available on a donation basis. If you can't make a donation just sign up for the scholarship under the 'register' button.

The course draws from Mentalization Based Treatment/Interpersonal Metacognitive Psychotherapy, Ideal Parent Figure Protocol (IPF), Attachment Theory, etc

Please not this isn't therapy or group therapy. It is a guided meditation and psycho-education program

https://attach.repair/2024-09-resolving-complex-trauma-cd-rd

We broke up 4 months ago. It was a blindside breakup and he said I did nothing wrong but just didn’t think I was the one (despite us being super well matched in all levels and wanting the same thing).

It was super hurtful and I went no contact for a few months. At the time he said the relationship door was closed and I said I couldn’t be friends.

3 weeks ago he started reaching out daily. It’s generally been light and playful banter. As that’s how he talks usually. I also think there’s a chance he’s dating someone as he is now off the dating apps but hasn’t actually confirmed this with me.

I don’t really want to ask directly what’s going on, since when we last talked about it months ago he said the relationship wasn’t going to happen and I want to be respectful and will likely push him away and make him shut down if I do.

But I am confused and still love him. He knows this too and admitted it the other day.

Anyone know what’s happening? Or how to navigate this?

I don’t want people to feel bad for me. Because I don’t want to throw a pity party and I don’t want any guy that I’m dating for themselves. Not being said, I worry that if I tell them things that I went through as a child, they wouldn’t care. I worry that if I told them about how my mom would threaten to give me away to another family, they wouldn’t pay much attention to it.

I guess I just want someone that will validate my feelings and will sympathize with what I went through. But I wonder if people are just innately evil. I genuinely don’t think that I’ll ever find someone that will recognize the pain that I felt.

I meditate on my feelings and mental thoughts a lot because I know I can’t trust my own knee jerk reactions. Sometimes I challenge misconceptions I have about the world and people.

One misconception I have right now is that if I find a girl attractive she’s automatically not going to value me, but I’m aware this is just a Survival mechanism. I’ve also learned it’s cruel to date women I don’t genuinely want to be with.

Now I force myself to only date women I’m Attracted to. It’s interesting because dating has become more challenging, but I’m learning how to stop fearing the women I actually wanna be with.

I feel like I can never trust anyone I’m dating. After the worst break up my life with a self-proclaimed FA, I’m hyper vigilant. Always giving the person I’m dating a chance to temper expectations or let me know how they feel but I just never fully believe them. I’m very communicative and have received really good feedback about it but I still feel like people are just afraid to hurt my feelings or something.

I was so clear with my ex and asked her if she was happy with the relationship. I often reassured her everything would be fine even if we broke up (she was constantly worried about the future of our relationship and her intense feelings for me) and she always told me everything was great and there were no issues. Even doing things to reassure me, only to blindside me with a bunch of issues she had never brought up and her resentment towards me for these things and then monkey branch to someone else while telling me she just wanted to take a break. Once I found out about her new partner, she insisted she broke up with me and I just didn’t realize.

This has really traumatized me cause for the longest I blamed myself for not being better and thinking of all the ways this new person was better than me. I realized there’s no way I could’ve shown up for someone who was not communicating truthfully with me but I still feel terrible.

Of course it has carried over into my new relationships and I just constantly feel inadequate and that I’m just being humored. It’s starting to really drive me insane because I was so secure before this. I never would have thought twice about these kinds of things and would only pity the person who lied to me and stayed in a relationship they didn’t actually want to be in.

I miss my secure way of thinking and fear dating is ruined for me forever as I’m only getting older and the dating pool is shrinking.

Anyone else dealing with this and have any suggestions?

Dear all,

Continuing the events reccounted here

I reached out to the person, & probably made things worse. After two and a half weeks, I got my friend to reach out to them & say:

"I'm so sorry to disturb you. He [me] just wants you to know that none of what happened was your fault whatsoever. It seemed to him [me] (though his perception of what is happening isn't always accurate) as though you, partly, blamed yourself for not being able to do what he wanted.

His demands were unreasonable and no-one could have fulfilled them. He needs to work on himself and nothing you did was wrong at all."

According to my friend they were overwhelmed by this (which I'm slightly baffled by, if I'm absolutely honest, but, I accept that they were & that that's bad).

Then, a whole month later, a friend of theirs phoned me up & tried to mock me. They (sarcastically) said I was extremely attractive, posh, & remarked that I was attracted to younger women (she was 18, I'm 23) & that they, themselves, were always available.

I was very polite and just said I was extremely sorry for my behaviour, & I felt regret and shame about it, & I felt that I'd handled everything badly. They hung-up & didn't call me or contact me again.

Then, a month later, I tried to follow them on Instagram, but, was blocked & rejected etc.

I'm just venting, to be honest, but, how bad is this behaviour? Am I an unsafe person? I've since turned down dates & just told people I'm not ready for anything, because I just can't handle anything at all romantic etc. etc. without going insane.

-V