First, I want to apologize if I used the wrong flair, I don't post too much on here. But basically, I've been ftm for the past 5 years, I've never medically transitioned. I've only cut my hair, which is now getting longer because I'm kind of dreading cutting it now, in fear I'll screw up and feel worse. I've recently (for the past 5 months) I've been feeling weird. I wish I was a girl now. I long to feel feminine and just be a girl again, it's hard to describe, so I'm sorry. (Yes, ik boys can also feel pretty, but it just doesn't feel the same to me I think.) But I still look at some guys now and wish I were them. I've been told that I'm genderfluid or nonbinary, but that doesn't feel right to me, It doesn't fit how I'm feeling. I'm just so confused, I keep going back and forth. It's like I'm running in circles, and I hate it. If anyone has any advice, or if anyone knows what to do or what this feeling is, PLEASE let me know, I need help. Thank you!

I’m having generalized fears and doubts on whether I am doing something wrong in terms of continuing transition. I am a MTF now 3 years transitioning. In the beginning it was very difficult for me and have found it much easier as time has passed but a generalized depression set over me. Sometimes it hard for me to understand whether I am dysphoric - bc there are times that I feel very powerful and amazing in pursuing my transition and other times feeling an overwhelming need to stop on estrogen because I get brain fog or feel stressed and overwhelmed and depressed. My doubts creep in now and then and I wanted to write about this to see if anybody else have had experiences like this? Is this a sign for me to get off HRT? I am very self punitive and transitioning has been a difficult process for me and I feel sometimes the world closing in or doubt my authenticity. But I feel like I oscillate and I want to feel grounded and at peace. Can anybody relate or have similar experiences? Perhaps I am not but I want to be able to think it through. I feel more non-binary but definitely love the changes that hrt have given me and continue to see. I love feeling feminine and having boobs have been a gift from god lol. I feel like it has been a dream come true to have a more feminine body and face but I feel as if finding a job - and my mental clarity sometimes has declined and I wonder if his is just the difficulties of being non passable trans but also if I am doing something wrong. These doubts always creep in and I want some guidance on what you all think.

Why most trans people claiming almost everytime someone de-transitioned it's for social issues... but on de-trans sub, youtube and all that doesnt seem to be the majority at all, actually they seem to be a minority. Most people I saw seemed to have detransitioned for health problem reason and realizing they are actually not trans

Am I not looking correctly? Is it just me? Am I missing somthing? Is there misinformation of detrans in trans communities? Is that because alot that de-transitioned from social issue speak up less? Why did you guys and girls detransitioned?

So as the title says I have socially destransitioned over the last 6 ish months. Tbh I never really passed as male despite being on T for 6 years, but up until this year the idea of being considered a woman or using women's spaces made me really uncomfortable and unhappy and I was dead set on fully transitioning. This year I started to grow thicker facial hair and suddenly was faced with the realisation that I didn't actually want to pass as male, nor have to use men's spaces etc. Even though I very much consider myself agender, I am happier to be associated with and considered a woman, use women's spaces etc so unless non binary identities become legally recognised I have decided to live as legally female instead.

The thing is that I much prefer how I look when I'm on T, in most ways. I love how my body has become more masculine, my shoulders became broader just on their own and my thighs slimmed out as well, I love how I gained more muscle without even really trying, I love not having a period, and I have overall had more energy and felt happier whilst on T. Thinking about going off T, getting a period again and my body becoming curvier makes me incredibly unhappy.

The only things I don't like about T are growing facial hair and hair loss. Pre T I had a pretty uneven hairline and a widows peak, so once my hairline masculinised in the first few months it looked receded which I dislike and I wouldn't want it to get any worse. It hasn't changed since those first few months when it did masculinise, but I also have no relationship with my family so don't know if hair loss runs in the family. This year I also went from having very little facial hair to having to shave daily, and I really dislike it as it makes my skin so sensitive.

This is how I look now, still actively on full dose T for the moment. I don't have any issue passing as a woman, my voice is low and sometimes people double take but I also just get told I have a low voice for a woman. I'm with a GIC in the UK who are really good about everything, there's been no judgement from them when I said I might want to stop T or that I no longer wanted to fully transition. I brought up with them that I wasn't enjoying the new changes that had happened this year and they have given me different options and I'm now trying to work out what path to take.

The only reasons I would ever go off T are the hairline and facial hair, and I'm perfectly happy to just get laser hair removal and stay on T, but I'm not sure if going on finasteride would be enough to stop any more hair loss. Losing my hair is where I draw the line really, even if I'd be unhappy with everything else going back to the way it was. The other option is to go to a low dose of T, but idk if having a low dose would be enough to completely reduce the risk of hair loss whilst still maintaining the benefits of T that I do like?

I guess this post is just me asking for any advice, has anyone else been in the same position or asked themselves the same questions, has anyone else detransitioned but stayed on T, am I deluded in thinking I pass as a woman and can continue to do so without coming off T? etc.

i started out fine and never really had any doubts until now, but my mind has been drifting to detransition every so often. Mpstly ehile at work because i guess o have nothing else to think about. I dont know if i actually want it and im terrified of outing the feeling to anybkdy. I dont think I really feel like anything and am generally very confused because it feels very sudden.

So I've been identifying as a trans dude for 3.5 years now but I'm not on t so I don't even know if it counts here. Basically Ive never really felt dysphoric about my body or voice or whatever. And ever since I came out I've been wondering how I'd look in makeup or long hair again. It's so weird I met a guy who thinks I'm a girl and it totally doesn't bother me. I think I like it, actually. But I don't know if I wanna go back cause that just feels like all of the effort I put into coming out and making myself look like I do would just go to waste. Also I just know it would be easier for me to live because of the country I'm in. It took a lot of effort to make my parents accept me and not lose friends so I'm conflicted

hi all. i’m mostly into men, and am detransitioning to genderfluid from being ftm. i wanted to know if any other ftmtx people have had male partners have any kind of issue with their “parts”.

i feel like i should just avoid intimacy entirely… how do i warn someone that it’s not exactly what they’re expecting? should i bother? help!!

I (26, afab) have been having an ongoing gender identity crisis since the summer of 2021. I started T and transitoned and been through hell and back. I moved in with my mom and met a woman who is now my girlfriend, and both did not want to see me transition. I was also feeling conflicted and unconfident in myself, so i de-trans after being on T for about a year. I doubled down on being female.

One year later... I am now unsure if that was the best choice to make. My girlfriend was talking about reasons why my BIL doesnt like me and she said she thinks it is because i "was" trans. Was.

Everyone assumes i realized im not trans. Maybe i thought that could be true at first. But now i am seeing in real time how gender dsyphoria wrecks havoc in my life. It affects me socially with the fake persona i put on instead of actually having a personality. It affects me mentally because i really would prefer my brain to be on T. It affects me emotionally to see images of myself looking this way. It affects me sexually in a severe way... and that has caused a lot of issues in my relationship. Embarassing ones... sad ones...

And i sat there at dinner realizing the person i want to spend the rest of my life with is unaware that i still feel this way. Ive become so, so good at pretending im okay and not verbalizing how i feel. I think im actually lying to her now. Im almost 27, im too old to be this unsure of myself. Everyone i talk to honestly about this seems to agree i am trans... i just really thought living as a woman would be easier. I look like an attractive one... I am short and small so living as a man would truly kinda suck in that way, but it is doable. Vainity aside, nothing changes the severe body dsyphoria i feel and wanting surgery so badly...

The main thing is that if i pull this trigger again, there would probably be no going back, and i would likely lose my girlfriend. But i should be honest with her. As much as i would love to continue ignoring how i feel, there is a huge internal struggle she doesnt even know about because i dont tell anyone. Ive already committed to her for life, she wants to marry me thinking im ok living as a woman...

"I can forget" i tell myself. I can deal with it. I can make it work. I can do this. I can keep "doubling down".

But it's doing something to me. It's affecting me in all kinds of weird ways. I dont feel connected to myself. Im sorry honey im so so sorry. I told you from the start my gender is mostly male. I really, really thought i could do this. Im sorry that i dont think i can. No matter how you react know i will always love you. Im sorry.

Hey. Does anyone have any tips for how to make shorter hair look more feminine. I've tried most things but my face is just pretty masculine from previously being ftm. Thank you

To some extent it doesn't matter and I accept that, but I often find myself preoccupied with labels.

I'm still trans, was somewhat right, and I think given my circumstances I even did the right thing by transitioning, but the fact is that I'd do things really differently now, and I have to reverse some of what's been done.

Maybe it's time to stop saying I have a lot in common and just say it is what it is, that I'm detrans, or maybe I shouldn't. Most AMAB trans people don't have dysphoria over their breasts from HRT. Most don't seem to have gotten their identities as wrong as I have, pressed themselves into a restrictive sense of who they are and stubbornly forged ahead anyway. I don't know what else I could've done, but that's what I did.

Sure, my particular unlucky brand of dysphoria has no simple solution, but this has not been at all linear. I am different from most trans people and feel alienated from them. I went about transition watching other trans folks' lives improve while I only got more confused. I knew I was too envious to be near them so I avoided them for a long time. I avoided a lot of people.

I don't feel a deep sense of regret. I feel shame, unfairly, and I feel bitter that the tools I had to define myself were so limited. I feel afraid that even after thirteen years after starting HRT I still don't know what the fuck is up with me. I feel like I don't belong anywhere but this is the closest I have.

I'm grateful at least that queer folks are more accepting than they've ever been. I'm pretty isolated generally owing to disability, but I can generally trust that most people won't be hostile, even if they don't understand. I don't want to seem ungrateful. Things were so much worse when I was little.

I’m honestly wondering this. I’m a detrans man, middle-aged (30s), dejected after a disappointing transition and a society that has turned against all things GNC. It’s still hard to live as a man, to try to pass as a gender that has never felt like mine. But it’s what society demands, and I’m too old for games.

The “other” detrans sub advises people like me to just repress harder, throw ourselves into heteronormative masculinity and “man up.” But every time I do this I just feel more and more alienated from myself. And to be honest, I’m not sure going out of my way to repress my personality to fit arbitrary social norms is anything more than self harm. Living as a gender non-conforming, feminine man is easier but still doesn’t feel entirely right.

In an ideal world I’d be a butch AFAB person, but I’m well past old enough to know that’s impossible, at least with technology that will exist during my lifetime.

So how do I live with this for the rest of my life? It’s painful to repress, but re-transitioning would just open me up to all sorts of trauma (see my post history if you’re interested) that I truly don’t want to face again.

It also wouldn’t get me to my goal—I want to be AFAB, not transfemme or a cis man, and that just isn’t possible. Accepting this reality seems like the healthiest way forward, but it still hurts. Being a cis man is better than being transfemme for me, but my god…it still aches sometimes.

Not even sure where I’m going with this post. Everything just hurts, and writing this helps me feel a little better. Probably gonna delete this in the morning, lol.

Happy holidays :).

https://www.reddit.com/r/trans/s/CDOfihPQns

Some great conversation in the comments, and a great show of support for those amongst us who can't, who are doubting, who are questioning, or who find their story doesn't include this as part of their journey.

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I’m 19 and was AFAB. My whole life i’ve knew there was something off about being AFAB, but at a young age I obviously didn’t know it meant I was ‘trans’. I’d always look at the other boys and be confused as to why that wasn’t me, and why I was like this. Fast forward a few years and i started to explore my gender and I always felt like I should have been born a male. I always get thoughts like “I’d love to be a husband, and a father one day, never a wife or a mother” or “I wanna be someone’s boyfriend not their girlfriend”. And I do get sometimes quite severe dysphoria around areas to the point it damages my wellbeing. I couldn’t picture myself growing old as a woman, but as a man I could. I’m putting a long story short there and there is other factors but I guess my main point is that, I was not able to get affirming treatment on the NHS because of the list. I went private, and my testosterone gets delivered today. I was so excited to be who I am truly, but all of a sudden I have these awful thoughts that “I’m lying to myself” “I’m not actually trans” “I’m deluded and I know i’m a women” and my mum doesn’t help either by thinking ive been “influenced” I mean i don’t know by who lol but yeah. “What if you regret this”. All of a sudden these thoughts have popped up out of no where and I feel like i’m lying to myself and now i’m scared to take my testosterone for the first time.

I think I am confused about my gender after all and maybe I’m just afraid to admit to myself that I am just an effeminate gay man. I never had this gender confusion as a kid and I know I’ve had weird feelings about attraction since high school, and I rarely felt attracted towards women since then. I’m not comfortable with masculinity at all.

I'm not ready to tell anyone in my life my complicated feelings about my gender now. They are all under the impression I am confidently binary ftm.

Once I say something, things change. I can't take it back, that illusion people have of me having complete confidence and conviction in my identity shatters and can never truly be repaired.

I just can't do it. But living with this burden on my mind constantly and never sharing it is really weighing on me. Trying to work through this essentially alone is really fucking hard.

I think I was possibly going through a manic episode at the time and continued transitioning after hoping I'd become content. I can't say nobody ever tried anything to help me, but they were always too cruel and transphobic for me to believe. Maybe if someone told me things like "transitioning will not make you stop wanting people", "you don't have to prove yourself", or "people are still going to be transphobic even if it's not to you" and that I should fix those problems first it wouldn't be like this.

I feel like it is too late and I ruined the rest of my life. Every time I open my mouth I think about it. I wish I could wake up and be how I was. I don't know how I'm supposed to live like this. I lost nearly everything about myself just to be called a "he" sometimes and still be in pain. I'm trying to think maybe I will sound and look "normal" enough in a couple years, but it's hard. I wish I didn't have mental problems like that. Just existing feels awful. Most times I think of myself I think of some moment from the past year and a half and want to cry.

It especially hurts that my father disregarded my transition, which increased my wants to prove myself. I was initially happy when my voice was deeper than his. I knew he wouldn't love me no matter which gender I was, so I had nothing to lose. He was transphobic but didn't do anything about me buying and using testosterone. He said my voice didn't change at all and refuses to do anything but talk to himself out loud about how he dislikes me.

On a positive note, I was on T for 7 months and after two weeks I can make some sounds I wasn't able to before. Never lost the ability to sing alright either. I've been testing singing at higher pitches and it's becoming slightly clearer and less strenuous. Not sure how much better it could get from there but maybe it's not the end of the world.

I greatly miss nipple sensation to the point I lowkey regret my top surgery, or at the very least the type I got (double incision) I know I can’t dwell on it but it makes me sad sometimes. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you deal with it?

Im more confident with my body than I ever have been but I have zero sensation and it does bother me, It’s been 3 years.

My family is proud of me of advancing in my career and everyone loves me as Thomas at work and I’ve been progressing well with my medicine for ocd. And if I could just be a man I could get financial support from my parents to go to pharmacy or med school. I would be able to make more friends as a man and people won’t want to avoid me if I could just be Thomas. Being Madeline at work cost me the respect of my coworkers and people didn’t want to be around me or be interested in me socially. My career could be ruined if I turn out to really be a girl and my relationship with my family will continue to be tense, my parents would be more relaxed and not upset of I could just be Thomas. I need help.

It's like in the queer community acceptance of my detransition is contingent on me never describing my transition in a negative light ever. It's exhausting.

It's always framed as "It was nice to explore things but now I'm moving in a new direction".

The second I say anything to the affect of "I deeply regret the permanent changes I've made to my body" "I frequently have complete dysphoric breakdowns falling apart crying because of the tits I decided to do" — or god forbid "I came across trans communities online at a deeply lonely point in my life, and the everyone-is-an-egg culture in them, combined with my lack of positive masculine influences and vilification of masculinity influenced me."

Okay. So since I was 13 I identified as trans and genuinely believed that I was a boy and everything. At school no one even knew I was afab. At work a few people did. But only because I told them. I went to trans pride and everything and truly felt that must be the answer to my disconnection with my body. I'm 24 now and for the past month I've been living as a woman again. And I'm happy. Well not happy but you know. I've been on testosterone since I was 17 and I have a top surgery conciliation scheduled for Easter next year but I canecllled it since I realised. I don't want this. But I posted like "oh I'm thinking about detransitioning" on like the normal Ftm subreddit I used to go on a lot when I was transitioning still. But they told me I was a troll and to get out the group. I'm just feeling really conflicted about this. I am in no way transphobic. I literally was trans and I'm just feeling really confused about this matter. I have a few trans friends too. Real life people I've been friends with for years. But when I told them I was detransitioning or even thinking about the idea they said I was a traitor and that no I'm still transgender and not a woman. They were very close friends to me. People who told me id be their best man at their wedding and now I'm just blocked and removed from their lives just like that. I'm just feeling very seperate from the community that once accepted me greatly. Has anyone else experienced this?

I've been identifying as trans for about, nearly two years. But I've been having problems with my identity from the past 3 months, I feel like I'm a guy pretending to be trans, or that, if I HAD a female gender identity, it'd be good. Sometimes, especially more recently I've been finding that I feel good as a female, using female pronouns. Not that I didn't before, I still feel like I'm faking being trans. I'm srsly confused.

I'm FTM and 20, socially transitioned when I was 13, and have been on Tfor a year. Throughout my time in stealth I felt comfortable and "right" being a guy and developed a better relationship with myself.

But for many months now I've been having moments where I'm scared that I "feel like a girl" (although I still have moments where I feel like I normally do) or just don't see the point in transitioning anymore. I never feel like an adult man. I don't think(?) I feel like an adult woman either, but I'm not sure. It feels less inaccessible than being a man. I feel like either a boy or a girl, usually a boy, but idk if that's just out of habit. For context I still live at home and am resitting exams so my uni is delayed, I don't drive, I don't drink, I've failed to get a job, and I'm asexual and uncomfortable with my genitals so still a virgin. So there's nothing really adult about me. I also identify as gay romantically, but have recently been struggling to imagine myself as a man in a relationship with another man.

I am happy with how my voice has deepened on T, and my jawline has got squarer and shoulders broader, but I feel ambivalent about facial hair and bottom growth. I have also realized recently that I might not want bottom surgery despite having bottom dysphoria, which is confusing to me as I always saw myself as someone who would "fully transition". If I could wake up with a male body tomorrow I'd probably say yes, but having to get surgery that might go wrong when I'm already used to how I am is scary, and tbh l'm not sure I like the idea of having a penis hanging down like that. I also feel a bit betrayed that when I came out no one explained to me the bottom surgery options, or the theories behind being trans beyond "male brain, female body"; I get that they try to keep stuff simple and kid-friendly, but I feel like I didn't have the full information even though I would've been smart enough to at least somewhat understand it. I still want top surgery, I hate my chest and have since it started growing. But now I'm thinking I should stop T and not get top surgery because it seems like I might not be as trans as I thought I was.

I'm really confused because I got diagnosed with gender dysphoria when I socially transitioned, based on signs of gender dysphoria that went as far back as when I learned to talk (the first major one was straight up telling people "I'm a boy"). So I was definitely “gender incongruent" as a kid, but what if it would've gone away naturally as it does in some cases, and transitioning was a mistake? I know internet strangers can't figure this out for me, I'm just looking for some advice or reassurance. I will then talk to my mum and my doctor about it (I have severe anxiety and my mum helps me with doctor's appointments) but I'm scared they'll blame themselves if I turn out not to be trans for encouraging me to transition immediately after saying I thought I was trans, when it's actually the gender services I feel were irresponsible if anyone.

I'm posting this on both the ftm and actualdetrans forums, hope that's okay. I'm also not trying to say that detrans people are scary or disturbing, it's the fact that I'm struggling so much with my identity that I find scary. I don't care if I'm a trans man or a detrans woman, I just want all the confusion to stop.

I can’t decide what my next step should be. I have been considering two things: lowering my t dose and also getting a breast reduction.

I’ll mostly speak about the breast reduction thing for now:

I have pretty much made up my mind about getting a breast reduction—I specifically want to get one which is as small as they can go without a free nipple graft, so I can preserve sensation as much as possible.

But I’m scared about my looks, really. I’m on a low dose of t so my body shape is what I’d describe as “masc, not quite male”—and I’m fat. (My t levels are actually in between normative male levels and female levels, leaning slightly closer to normative male levels). I’m worried that with small boobs I’ll look like I’m between having boobs which are disproportionately small, permanently making me look extremely stomach heavy (men keep more fat on their stomachs than women, and so I am belly heavy), and having huge moobs.

I just feel so…not confident? Like, I want people to be into me, but I don’t know how to handle that, because I don’t fit into male or female body norms.

I wish I could take my boobs on and off, in a way—like, have a mostly flat chest most days and have my normal boobs (maybe somewhat smaller) on other days.

Idk what to do. I want this—but I’m worried that I just want it so that passing will be easier and so I don’t need to wear compression bras all the time and so that my clothes will fit right. I’m worried I don’t want it to feel like myself in my body.

is anyone here german? i would like to know what the legality of detransitioning in germany is, stuff like laser hair removal and vocal feminisation surgery - normally health insurance should cover this, but i would like to know what kind of therapists do you have to see? or how many? if you transitioned in germany you know what you have to go through to transition, but i would like to know if anyone went all the way back and what the legality was like? l

Hi everyone. I am in therapy and the like, but I continuously struggle with the amount of anger I have towards my situation and being so ostracized for detransitioning. How do you cope? Was there anything that helped you make peace with your journey or build better relationships after detransitioning?

For some background, I (20's F) have been slowly finding answers to my chronic pain/bone breaks/neurological issues. Just this year I got a diagnosis of a rare genetic disorder that also caused me things like fucked up periods/hormonal imbalances that I am positive contributed to my gender dysphoria. However, I was able to get a gender dysphoria diagnosis and get top surgery covered by insurance before I was able to get any sort of specialist to see me so I could address my actual issues...and I'm kinda bitter about it having a brand new diagnosis.

So I'm 15 years old. II haven't been to school or outside my house in 4 months due to mental health issues and just not wanting to be seen. Since I was eleven. I thought I was trans. Ftm. And have been fully living as a boy called dexter. Boys pe, boys bathrooms, boys clothes. Everything. But recently. I've just been really questioning if I am actually trans and the stigma around transgender people. I believe I was given the option to transition without proper therapy or anything way to early on. I mean I told my mom and she said okay. And then told my dad and he was just unbothered. So I started being like a boy and having a boy name and he/him. But I never once went to a therapist that specializes in gender identity or anything like that. I mean yeah for depression and stuff I did. But no one ever has genuinely spoken to me about my identity and why I feel this way. I think lockdown with covid was also a big thing. Social media access and just being a bored kid and looking at social media. I saw things like being trans and stuff. And I thought well I DONT feel like a girl either so this must be it. I also believe that like the stuff I was seeing never showed the negatives of it. It was all just being happy to get on T and then like top surgery and ‘trans joy’. I think this has just messed with my head a lot. Because when it was negative it was like oh if your trans you need to hate your body. So I thought like “oh my body must be disgusting then and it needs to be changed”. I mean I genuinely thought I was a boy. And if I could've been born a boy. Yeah I'd probably do that. But if I could've been born like a successful woman. I might choose that too.

I also with the like body dysphoria thing I believe it like links into past eating disorders I've had. I won't detail them but I think when I had a ‘sick body’ I obviously had less curves. But now I'm recovered I'm not sure if I DONT like my body because of its shape or because it is ‘wrong’.

I think I've been thinking more about this because I've just been like alone with my thoughts and genuinely able to contemplate everything I guess. Also I've gotten to the top of a waiting list for testosterone and if it was like even last year. I'd be overjoyed and so ready. But now I just DONT think I want it. No one at school knows that I was born a girl. But now I want to be a girl again. But I don't even know how to do that or present like that. And I don't want to go back to school. Because then I'm a girl and its just I DONT want to. To be honest I just want to move towns. A fresh start. But that's not possible obviously. My hair is still like boy short too and I just don't think I experienced being a girl enough to present that way. I mean yeah when I was younger. But other girls now are so ahead of me. Like insanely.

I'm just really unsure of how to go about this and if anyone will even like accept my detransition or even the questioning of my transition.