Hello

I came here some time ago due the ideas that my little brother had (and probably still) to transitionate in a women. My parents are really concern about this, both are doctor an nurse and they are aware of all the health problems that we will have if he uses hormones or a surgery. Six month ago my brother claimmed he is heading to it to my parents and from that day, I think we all havent sleeped well since that day. In my case, as his elder brother, it has been a big rock in my shoulders to carry, so I cant imagine how awful he is feeling rn and even when he cant see it, Im trying to prevent him to ruin his life.

I have an elder brother, who is aware of this and we are planning to talk with him (my elder 33yo, Im 29yo, my little brother who is struggling is 23yo) since we understand better the social topic than my parents who are +60yo. We have read a lot of articles, a lot of storys from popular detransitioners and not so popular, documentals etc... Bu I have been looking for someone who wen down trying this type of life to sit to talk about the experience and how all of the promises the trans lobby has done and were merely a lie. Maybe talking with someone who went and came back could give him a better perspective from all the negative things that trans lobby doesnt talk about.

even when we have a good understanding of the inglish, I would rather have someone in our mother lenguage to speak with for fluenty purposes. In fact, I had contact in here with a lady from Puerto Rico but she didnt reply my messages anymore.

So, if you are a latino/a detransitioner and you want to help my brother, I would be extremely grateful. Im not a rich guy, but I would gladly repay one hour of your time speaking with him.

Hope someone in here can help me with it. I will keep looking for this person.

Keep fighthing, we all nee you in this Earth.

Even not being a religious person, I know God love every one of you.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be in peace.

I wish you all the joy of the world from the bottom of my heart.

Thanks.

I do not look like a woman right now. I don't think I ever looked particularly feminine - I passed as male pre-T as a teenager with just a haircut and a sports bra binder. I have an old ID photo from when I was 15 and everyone I've ever shown it to has guessed that I was at least 6 months on T when it was taken, but I didn't even start T until I was 17. I started keying into my weird relationship with gender in the first place because I cut my hair short as a teen and people on social media suddenly started asking me if I was 'actually a boy.'

I've been experiencing a slow-rising level of dysphoria with the increasing masculinization from testosterone over the past year and a half, and eventually I decided to detransition. It wasn't just 'internalized feminine beauty standards' or whatever, I just got what I came for (certain aspects of masculinization, the deep voice, the experience of living as a man) and did not want to continue living as a man. I hate being perceived this way. It's not for me and I want it to stop. I'm now 1 month, 2 weeks, and 2 days off testosterone.

I don't pass as a woman. I can't. Some people gender me correctly if I present overtly fem, but I'm sure that's just people figuring out what gender presentation I'm aiming for and being polite about it. I have visible facial hair stubble and very suspicious beard acne. My voice is on the masc end of androgynous. My jaw has always looked manly, people have been commenting on my huge adam's apple since I was in middle school, my chest is basically flat in most outfits. I'm so hairy, down to my hands and fingers. I get they/them'd while bra shopping even when wearing a dress and makeup. I get stared at in public and I barely feel safe presenting fem outside the house anymore. Last time I went out in a femme presentation, a nazi commented on my outfit. A literal nazi selling swastikas and other nazi memorabilia in the back corner of a local market. He singled me out to say 'I see you,' and that's fucking terrifying to me.

Part of me wants to chalk it up to being barely 6 weeks off T, but I still can't stop thinking about how masc I looked pre-T. I even had little darkened mustache hairs when I was as young as 15. I'm scared that presenting fem just makes me look like a Ben Garrison caricature of a trans woman, and it makes me feel unsafe and ashamed to be seen in public. Nothing will make the changes move faster. All of the facial hair removal methods are expensive and painful, and I like my facial hair, I just feel so deeply unsafe being perceived as an AMAB person while presenting fem.

I still don't regret my transition, but I am becoming bitter at how I was made to feel like wanting to stop T and detransition was invalid or a misinterpretation of my feelings. It took me a year and a half to feel comfortable admitting that I just wanted to detransition. No external pressures, I didn't transition because of misogyny or trauma or autism or whatever, I just wanted one thing then and a different thing now. I wish I'd felt supported and embraced in that decision a year and a half ago.

Hi! I‘m ftm and I‘m sorry if this is not the right place for me to ask this. I‘m just at a breaking point and I don’t know where else to ask these questions.

So basically my hair has been thinning and I‘ve been thinking about stopping testosterone. I started January 2020 at 16yo and had periareolar top surgery in 2022. I live happily as a guy so I‘m really worried about a few things.

I asked my endocrinologist about stopping T and she advised against it, because I could get issues with low bone density. I know that Testosterone increases bone density and sex hormones are important for it. Menopausal women can have bone density issues, because of the significantly lower estrogen levels.

I tried looking everywhere and of course there are no studies on this subject, because it’s so specific. I only read one paper on trans women whose bone density lowered after HRT and trans men had the opposite effect.

Now to my question: Did anyone here have issues with this after stopping testosterone?

I really don’t want to live the rest of my life with osteoporosis, because I didn’t want to go bald… I still have my ovaries and uterus, so my natural hormone production should pick back up after a while. This should technically be fine or not?

Now to my second question: How likely is it for breast tissue to grow back after periareolar top-surgery? I already asked this in the FTM subreddit, but they keep telling me that it’s impossible. I know it isn’t though. I‘ve seen a few cases where it actually did grow back a little bit. (Which I personally do not want to happen at all)

Has anyone in a similar position experienced this? I‘m so worried about this.

These are basically the only two things that are keeping me from stopping T, so I would really appreciate some honest feedback 🙏🏻

(Also my endocrinologist said that she won’t prescribe me Finasteride. So I really feel hopeless here 😭)

I’ve been out as FTM since my early teens and am now in my 20s, it’s been about eight years. I got diagnosed with gender dysphoria soon after coming out and have been on T for a year. I’m happy with most of the changes on T and feel dysphoria looking back at old videos where I had a higher voice and a more feminine face shape. I started telling people I was a boy as soon as I could talk. As a toddler I was allowed to pick out my own clothes and picked both “boy clothes” and “girl clothes” and I did have gender non-conforming women in my life. I don’t remember encountering much misogyny as a kid either. In pretend games and school plays I always played a boy character, and as an older kid I wore “boy clothes” almost exclusively. I wanted a short haircut too but my dad wouldn’t let me. I told people I wanted a male body, both in terms of genitals and no breasts.

But for months now I’ve been having almost constant scary thoughts about gender and whether I’m doing the wrong thing and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m worried that I’m going to want to live as a “normal woman” one day and I won’t be able to because of T and any surgeries I get. And I’ve been seeing a lot of transphobic content on the internet (bad idea I know, but it seems hard to avoid) and from my dad, and what if they’re right and doctors are wrong that transitioning is the best treatment for gender dysphoria, and I have no right to live as a man? I socially transitioned immediately after coming out, so I never got to experience having a short haircut or binding/wearing a constricting bra to keep me flat while identifying as a girl. In fact I barely experienced identifying as a girl at all, because I never really did as a kid, no matter what others were telling me. And now I’ll never know if that would have given me a happier life. I feel like I’ll never be happy now because of the imposter syndrome I feel, and because I’m never going to get to have heterosexual penetrative sex due to dysphoria and atrophy (I never wanted this before, I was virtually asexual, but on T I’ve been craving it and it’s really hard). And since I’ve been having those sexual thoughts I’ve wanted to be in a “normal” hetero relationship as a woman, with a man. I’ve identified as an asexual gay man for years and had no problem with it until now. If I keep living as a man I think I’m going to have to go off T because of this which is confusing. Being trans and gay in a bigoted society and when having sexual feelings centred around having a female body is exhausting and stressful, and I don’t want to do it anymore if I don’t have to.

Does anyone have any advice? I struggle to find people like me who detransitioned, it seems like most FTMTF people had some internalised misogyny going on which caused them to transition which I don’t think I did. I also have OCD so it’s possible I am actually FTM and this obsessive worrying is coming from that. Also should I seek a therapist?

It's so humiliating to have a masculine face juxtaposed to female breast tissue. I always have to dress in a way where my figure is not wholly conspicuous, just so nobody notices. I miss being able to swim shirtless, and I despair at the thought of this remaining on me once I am ready to start dating.

What short of a mastectomy do I do? Are they just here to stay permanently?

FTMTF, I was on T for about three years and my voice is very deep, 100% male passing.

I wouldn’t mind having a deep voice if it at least sounded feminine.

I don’t know if this makes me sound like a bad person but I don’t want to sound like a trans (mtf) woman. I feel like that’s more confusing for people and would make me feel even worse about not being able to pass as a woman anymore.

I’m also not interested in voice feminisation surgery.

Tldr; does voice training really work? I mean is it’s actually possible to somewhat get rid of that “raspiness” that makes a voice sound male? If anyone wants to share their progress with this method I would love to hear it! Thanks in advance for any advice. :)

If I detransition what will my breasts end up looking like?

I am having detransition thoughts because I think I look good as a girl, I have been socially trans for almost 4 years, but nothing legal or medical I don't like being called a she or my deadname (not sure if it's out of habit or its something else but I feel like that is wrong) but I do think I have a good looking body and that I shouldn't 'mutilate it' which is ironical because I have self harmed since I was like 12 but lol. I am also really short to be a guy (5'0) and i don't want to be an eternal 13 year old if that makes sense ? I just shaved off my prepubescent moustache because I just felt gross with it. Anyways I would be a really ugly guy but a pretty woman, is it a normal thought? or maybe I'm not really trans?

Hey everyone, I’m just wondering if when you detransitioned if you went back to your birth name or went by a new name entirely! Or if you want to change it at all!

I’m still figuring myself out but if I end up being FtMtF then I will definitely not be going by my birth name, for two reasons. 1) I never felt like the name fit my personality, and 2) (the main reason) is because I don’t feel like I’m going back to that same identity/person that I was when I was using my birth name. Its a whole new stage of my life, it feels like a rebirth almost.

Ironically, the name I’m trying out right now has the same meaning and root name as my birth name!

I'm far from restarting my period, just stopped injecting testosterone 3 months ago (and it was Nebido so it'll take some time), but I actually cannot wait till I restart my period again after not having it for 5 years. I got some pads to be ready when I start again (and also I think it's nice to have pads at home for your friends) but I was wondering what else I can do to make sure I'll be fine when it comes back? And what was your experience like getting it back? Were you able to tell it was coming?

Anyone else have intense ovary pain?! I feel like I’m going crazy but I’ve been cramping so bad on and off for weeks now, sometimes so bad it feels like I’m being stabbed repeatedly. I’ve had ovary pain like this before, but I don’t know if this is something I should go talk to my doctor about 😭

She told me to come see her if my emotions got too hard after T, which they really are with the crying spells. So maybe I schedule an appt for both things??

I don’t really have any family to talk to, so I’m sorry if this isn’t allowed !

i was planning to ask someone out yesterday, then he accidentally called me he, no biggie, it's ok. I tell him i'm not trans, i'm just a woman, who made a mistake, and i was going to ask you out for a coffee. he said he thought i was trans because of my voice and that i'm confusing for him. all very much on good friendly terms, but... ouch. as a 20 year old woman with normal desires to date men, ouch. i mean it's more than an ouch, it's i've ruined myself irreparably and now can never find love because no man is going to see me as a real woman, even though i just am one. it really, really hurt. and i can't talk to anyone about this in real life so here we are. my friends are asking how did it go, did you ask him? yes i did, and it turns out the worst thing he could say wasn't actually no.

I’m currently ftm, stealth. I’ve been living as a man for 10 years, have been on hormones for about 9, no surgeries. I was fairly masculine looking before transitioning (this is important for later.) I’ve come to realize I’ve made peace with parts of my body I wasn’t comfortable with before, and I am less dysphoric about being called a woman. I realized I may want to have children, I’m 31 and have no idea if I am able to, and I can’t really see myself as a man if I am giving birth. I know some trans men can do it and still feel male but I don’t, these thoughts and feelings feel very female to me. The idea always used to make me recoil, but now it does not. I a lot of things about being female do not bother me anymore. But I’m not really sure if I’m ready to give up being a man, and it’s all very confusing.

The thing is I have no idea how to really be a woman. I have spent almost my entire adult life living as a male. I don’t know how I would feel being seen as one by everyone. I also do not think I will ever pass again. I have a giant adam’s apple, a full beard, a very deep voice. My breasts almost completely went away on t, off of T I was an A cup so it’s unlikely that they will get bigger than that. All of these changes I welcomed and currently they do not bother me in my current life. But if I were to detransition I would not really be able to be read as female again, I could not really put my transition behind me. My face had a lot of masculine features before and I had a very boyish figure, I looked like a girl in womens attire and makeup but I passed fairly easily pre-T once I started my social transition. With these changes I find it unlikely that I will pass as female at all if I detransition. I am not a bad looking dude but I could not see myself being a pretty woman, or even female-looking, without a lot of intervention, if at all. I wonder if I will end up being dysphoric about them if I detransition.

I feel like I am going to be alone forever. My transness makes it very hard for me to get a partner who sees me as more than a fetish, and if I detrans I will likely be seen as a trans woman (not that I have an issue with trans women) and I will still attract fetishy people just in the opposite direction. I will also probably have to perform a lot of femininity that I’m not comfortable with in order to pass. I will always be a genderfuck and people don’t like that.

I don’t know if I should continue taking hormones if I am debating if I am ok with my fertility, I have been on them a long time and I don’t know if my fertility is impacted. Continuing to take them only heightens that risk, and I’m in my 30’s now and I know if ai was cis my biological clock would be ticking. Sometimes I look at girls and wonder what my life would have been like if I had stayed one, would people look at me like the way they look at them. I don’t think that’s really possible now. I don’t want to start looking more feminine though and start getting clocked in situations like work, and I don’t want to have to deal with coming out again. Overall I’m very on the fence and very confused and could use some guidance on how to make this decision and explore my feelings about it in my own head.

Thank you for reading.

I know it's not possible, but that doesn't make me feel this any less.

I want to start over from a young teenager and make different choices.

Especially in relation to my health, not just transition.

I was very depressed and struggled (and still do) with sensory issues so I neglected my oral hygiene for years and now my teeth are fucked, I can't bring myself to smile anymore.

It's the things that I can't fix that bother me the most now. I can't make my teeth what they used to be. I can change things affected by the testosterone, but I can never make them what they used to be. Some things I can't completely reverse at all, some things I can't reverse without great difficulty, pain, and money (such as laser hair removal).

I wish I hadn't had such tunnel vision on medical transition and instead tried to explore self expression in different ways, or tried to work on body neutrality, or explored how my neuro divergence might influence my connection with my body, gender, and social role. I can't say that would have prevented my transition, I may have gone on to do it anyway, but I wish I was at least open to trying.

Me and my childhood friend started in the same place, but our paths diverged and I think I should have taken the path she did too. She came out as ftm at 13, I came out at 14. She desisted around 15, but I continued and started T at 16, top surgery and legal document changes at 18, and now we're both 20. We lost touch years ago, back around age 14, but I heard through the grapevine about her desistance. Two years ago we crossed paths again, and though I knew she desisted all those years back, it didn't really set in until I saw her. She had long hair down to her lower back, full face of makeup, dressing in really femme alt clothes, and was even wearing Venus symbol earrings (the female symbol). Seeing her and how well she was doing was kind of the trigger that caused me to self reflect and ask myself what I really want, because I looked at her and I thought "God, I wish I looked like that". Which surprised and confused me quite a bit. That was the beginning of my questioning.

Nowadays all I want to do is be able to freely express myself and experiment but I am so afraid of harassment as I would currently be perceived as a trans women or effeminate man if I did. And I really don't want to have to explain myself to everyone in my life about why I'm presenting differently.

I keep seeing girls in my college who dress alt, kind of gothic, with natural gothic makeup and I want to look like them but I know right now if I try I won't look like them, I'll look like I'm in drag. It's going to take a lot of work and maintainance to look female again and to be honest I'm just a really fucking lazy person so the thought of that gets me really down. I want to be able to wake up in the morning, role out of bed and just go about my day and still look like a woman but I can't, it would take considerable preparation before my day even starts.

It's just frustrating, and it feels like I can't talk to anyone about it in my real life.

I'm not really sure on whether I'm asking a question; I guess I'm looking just more for perspectives.

I started going back on HRT in February (I used to be on HRT from 2016-late 2018) and lately it seems that I've been getting sick more often than I did when I wasn't on HRT. When I was first on HRT, I quit because I was having health complications. Now, I'm not facing the same issues that I had then, but I've now been sick for about 3 weeks now with constant "allergry-like" systems for over 2 months I'd say. But now, my throat is incredibly sore and tore up. My parents have been asking the question if perhaps the HRT is affecting my immune system and it's ability to work properly. I know that there is limited research, but I really do feel better in many ways on HRT. There are a few things about going back on T that I absolutely DREAD... But at the same time, I don't really know if I'm willing to risk my life over this just to have the meds.

I'm seeing my family medicine doctor tomorrow and I'm hoping to get a blood draw and maybe this will help give me some answers. But I'm also scared that they might eventually say that my body just can't tolerate HRT. What should I do if that's the case? Anybody in here have any insight?

I'm going off masculinising HRT and right now my levels are though the roof, even higher than they should be for a ftm. I got my last Nebido shot 12 weeks ago.

How long does it usually take the body to return to baseline female testosterone levels after stopping? (While ignoring that mine are super high)

I was supposed to get a new shot today, didn't inject it and am now wondering when I will slowly see changes reverting back to female? And what to look out for first? I also wanted to try weight cycling to ensure having a more female fat distribution. When should I start with that?

Hello people, so did research about hrt for about 1-2 years before finally starting. Im also speaking with a really good psychiatrist. for a few months now. So everything is getting better slightly.

I've taken hrt for about 2-3 months now. And I have a very tiny, like AAA cup breasts. And very sensetive nipples. Needless to say for I have no clue why this is, but Im feeling extremely bad while feeling my boobs.

around 4 months ago, I started with 4 pills of E per day sublingually. Im not really sure how much I kept that, but I stopped it at some point since it was so inconvinient doing it 4 times a day. 48 days ago I took 0.32ml of EEn 38 days ago I took 0.18ml of EEn

I was feeling my boobs growing till this monday, and that gave me so much bad feeling I took 1ml of Sustanon yesterday.

How reversible is nipple growth? How reversible is boob growth? Do you have any suggestions? What were your experiences with boob athropy?

Thanks for all advices you may throw at me. Much Love ❤️🐦

I've been on masculinising HRT for 5 years and had an endo appointment today. I didn't really say I was quitting but I made the switch to gel and am just not taking it. Since I was on Nebido I don't have to taper off since it will do so naturally.

Now, i have one slight problem though: they want more bloodtests in 12 weeks to see how I am doing with gel instead of shots. Would it be possible to use the gel 3 days prior to spike T levels on my bloodwork and then continue to not use it? Did anyone try this before? (I know it will confuse my body but it's worth it) [Also: I live in an area where you can't just say you wanna get off, so that's not an option]

Hi! I’m just freaking out and would love some thoughts and kind words. I was AFAB, and for 14 years I lived as a girl. Then I came out as trans masculine, and I lived as a boy behind my parents back until 18. Then they accepted me and I have lived completely as a male up til now, at 23. So thats a total of 9 years of identifying as trans masc. I had no nipple top surgery Oct 2022, and started Testosterone 3 months ago. My family is pretty conservative and it took a lot of backlash for my identity to be taken seriously.

Now, for the past month, I have had this. feeling. That I should have boobs again. That I’m a girl. These feelings have done nothing but grow, and it’s to the point I’m trying a new femme name and she/her pronouns with my closest friends and my partner. I’ve been wearing a bra and stuffing socks into it, and it makes me feel good. I even shaved my legs again after not having done it since I came out. I started wearing makeup.

Now this is all just experimenting and I pray it stays that way almost. I am SO scared of detransitioning. I feel like a woman but I don’t understand how I spent 9 years happily as a male just for me to dislike it now. I don’t want to go to everyone I fought for acceptance from and tell them that I’m actually not trans.

But I still feel trans too, after being a teenage boy? I don’t feel like I’m returning to myself, I feel like I’m finding myself. I don’t know. I have therapy tomorrow and we’ll talk about all this but I’m just scared and confused.

I no longer experience dysphoria or what I thought was dysphoria. So that means I should detransition right? Some say that means I was never actually trans. It’s not like I want to be trans but the identity I created for myself during those years is a big part of me. It was formed during my formative years where I was trying to figure out who I am. But now I have to give that up just because I no longer hate my body?

It feels like I have to become a different person now but I liked the way I was before. But if I don’t detransition I’ll just be considered a trender and a fake. I don’t know what to do.

Re: male socialization:

I've been off of feminizing HRT for 7 months after being a stealth transwoman for 8 years and I'm starting to look male-presenting again if I don't wear makeup. When I go on walks or out in public as my androgynous/male self, I'll inevitably make eye contact with a guy.

After being out of the game for so long, I kind of "forget" how to treat this interaction. My gut goes immediately to being scared or intimidated. Like eye contact is an implicit foreplay to conflict.

For MTFTM folks or FTM folks or cis males lurking here: am I making this up? I know a polite, though not smiling, downward head-nod is the move, but not everyone is willing to do that. I just can't get rid of the idea that any guy I come across has motives. I know this is some kind of phobia. I'm working on it!

I want to share my experience but not entirely sure where to start so ask me anything you want to know.

Some mild context to work from:

• female to male to female
• Legally name and gender change in 2019 (currently fighting to get it reversed)
• took T for 3 years
• lived stealth for 6 years
• started my detransition at 22 (currently 23.5)
• not American (I don’t want to disclose my actual country tho sorry)
• currently pregnant

I am both grateful for my transition but also incredibly thankful that I found myself detransitioning. I never thought it would be something I’d do though

Hi, im MtFtNB, ihave been on E for 8 months, i think? It's not like I care about penis shrinkage but I've recently thought about testicular atrophy and I'm panicking a little, I wasn't planning on stopping hormone therapy, since I thought that what I feared most, which was developing breasts, had already happened, now I am very afraid if this is a stalemate. Even if I stop the hormone therapy, I won't produce testosterone in the same way again? What effects will that have on me? Maybe a specific hormone therapy could help me?

I'm not a male, i hate men's clothing. I can't find anything feels good, looks good. It was good when i was younger no one cared about what i was doing or wearing but now.

Whenever i want to wear something cute im just becoming the freak. I hate gender roles. I can't do that shits. No. Sorry. I don't know what is "handsome", i don't know "male sexuality", i don't know how to act as a male. I can't continue transation because middle east is the shitties part of the world for this. Ill be alone all my life. Not a single woman will love and that's just normal. I'm not the "male" they're seeking for. I can't act the way they want from their partner.

Im just a freak who should die. I can't deal with things anymore. I even don't want to go outside because whenever i see a woman im just going nuts. Want to kill myself, want to cry on the middle of the road.

I tried mom. I literally tried to be male after u throw my pills away but no i can't be one. I wish i was normal.

So I identified purely as a trans woman for a couple of years and was on feminizing HRT. I was happy but deep down there was a pit in my stomach because I repressed my male identity. I now identify as bigender and I am still on HRT because I like having a feminine face and body but I really miss having a flat chest. Before I transitioned, I didn't really mind my chest and was quite happy with not having boobs but I still wore fake boobs sometimes for presentation. I like presenting female but I also like being shirtless and not having to wear a bra. I miss how my chest use to look and I want to get keyhole top surgery

Even though I am bigender, I present femininely pretty much all the time. Few know my true gender identity, most only see me as a cis woman because I'm stealth. I prefer using female spaces because its safer and I want to be accepted and welcome in them. My biggest concern about getting top surgery is that it would make me pass less. Having boobs makes me pass better and I don't want to have to go back to wearing nasty and expensive fake boobs. I still pass pretty well, though. My face and body read as female and so does my face.

The last thing is that I might regret it. I only get to have these boobs once. If I get rid of them, then that's it. Maybe I could get implants later but those won't be the same. If I got a breast reduction, I would still have boobs but maybe I would regret not going all the way. I think I enjoyed having a flat chest more than I do having boobs but I am so scared of the regret.

Can anyone please give me advice? Thank you.

Pretty much what the title says. The question is open to everyone who used puberty blockers and HRT as a minor. It doesn't matter if you detransitioned or not, I'm curious to hear about your experiences, stories and opinions.

Marked as spoiler because this is just a vent and putting my thoughts into more than the void. I want to scream and cry and just curl up into a ball and hide under a blanket and not come back out.

I'm just. Deeply upset with the state I'm in tonight and I can't shake it.

I had GREAT boobs. There wasn't any grand trauma, there wasn't any harrassment or comments. I didn't have cancer. No one touched me or bothered me. Hell, when I worked UPS and stopped binding because it wasn't safe, no one even made any comments. There was no reason for me to NEED top surgery like I felt I did. There was no real reason for me to go through with it, when people were pretty much leaving me alone. But I asked for it and got it and throughout the whole process not once did anyone stop and ask if I was okay. Plenty of "are you sure"s and "you're valid"s and "good luck"s, but not once did anyone take a look and see something was wrong and point it out to me.

I had top surgery in Jan 2021. I started T in June 2019. I'd been officially transitioning for all of a year and a half before I went through with it.

I hadn't left the house for more than walking the dogs from ages 15 to 17.

I had NO social circle offline. I was scared of ordering my own fucking food; I can't blame my parents for getting frustrated with me thinking this was some fault I could fix rather than a deeper issue. I was just anxious! I was just a little shy! Surely if we push her enough it'll just get smoothed over and swept under the rug.

And so it went for 10 fucking years. Just sweep it under the rug, just sweep it under the rug, surely nothing bad will happen if we just sweep it under the rug. It's much easier to deal with if it's just swept under the rug. Don't worry about why so much shit is constantly getting swept under the rug; we can just keep sweeping!

My problem solving skills became dedicated to maintaining the rug rather than figuring out why the house is so fucking dirty to begin with. Surely getting a new rug will make this easier? And it did for a time! I had no issues living as a man for 4.5 years. It was a lovely new rug that I bought! So many people online recommended it! Sure, my parents asked if I was sure, but all they'd ever fucking shown me was sweeping things under the rug, so them questioning my taste in rugs felt a bit silly and was easily dismissed. But I'm 23 now, and I got tired of sweeping shit up, and now that I've looked under the rug there's nothing I can do to fucking put it back.

I like my voice. I like my thicker brows. I like the confidence I speak with now. Testosterone wasn't a mistake, it was more of a fast track to building social skills because I simply didn't fucking have them before. But top surgery? There was no need for it. I'd "fixed" all of the issues that made me think I was trans in the first place. Fat redistribution made me capable of looking at myself in the mirror. I could sing songs and not cringe with the sound of my own voice. If there's an argument and I need someone to back off I can shout from so deep in my stomach it feels like my torso could shake apart.

But top surgery was just. A fixation. Something I latched onto because that was the progression of things. I started T; so that meant I had to change my name, and my gender, and get surgery. That's the Way Things Go. That's the rules for buying this new rug. I didn't have to think about how dirty the house was if I just focused on the rug.

I'm angry that all of my choices have led me here. I'm angry that no one saw how fucking obsessed I was with rugs, and took my hand and told me the rug is not important. I'm angry there was no one around me who could do such a thing. I'm angry that I was in such a strange, passive household, that I never thought to go out and find them.

I wish the phrase "I'm being tormented by jiggle physics" could be as funny as it is at face value, but it's fucking haunting me. I can remember exactly how things felt before top surgery and I am so painfully aware that NOTHING will feel that way again. That, now that I know myself better, now that I want to go out and kiss and hug and hold and have sex with other women, I will NEVER have breasts like I used to. Just gone. Poof! No getting it back. It's just a memory now and it's driving me fucking insane.

I'm alive because I couldn't die if I was maintaining the rug. But I'm so, so deeply sad, that I sacrificed so needlessly for that illusion.

I have a consult to discuss reconstruction options with the surgeon who did my initial mastectomy. I scheduled it because aside from like, 3 detrans women on this sub specifically (and only one of which has posted 1yr + out photos), I just can't find resources on this shit. I already know that it's not a solution that's gonna fill this hole I've carved out of myself. I don't even know if I want a reconstruction yet; I'm in a better place now. I don't feel like I need to follow the Steps to the Process:tm: just to make it through to tomorrow. I have what feels like the luxury of chewing my food before I swallow, even if I should've been doing that since the start.

I don't know what she's going to tell me when we sit down for that conversation. My results were objectively good for what I got. I don't want to get implants; they terify me. But I don't know if DIEP is right for me either.

I wish I could just pay her the cost of the surgery and then she could go back in time and tell me to wait. To tell me that, I needed to pause, to look at the situation I was in. To clean the house before looking at rugs.

Hey i am searching for german speaking detrans people to talk and exchange thoughts :)