Today marks 1 year since her Leukemia diagnosis and 16 weeks since she was taken from me, so the void is making all sorts of racket tonight.

I keep thinking about the fact that she only got 38 years out of life...and that we never had the chance to build our future together. As I lay here looking over at her empty side of the bed, I am trying my best not to be the victim in all of this. My fiancé was the one cheated out of half of her life, not me. But tonight I am having trouble shaking the feeling of anger that I have to be the one left behind. I much rather it had been me to die...I would have been spared this crushing grief. I know she would have handled all of this much better than I have.

May we all find the strength to make it through and keep going. Im trying to stay strong, but I can feel my resolve slipping away day by day.

Looks like this is going to be yet another sleepless night. Good thing I'm getting used to it.

It's been 3 years since he died, and tonight, it feels similar to the first night without him. He died at 29 from a head-on auto collision (he was not at fault). I was 27 at the time with our then 3-month-old. We were married for 8 years. I'm tired. I want to be done with this, but I have our son. Family and friends literally told me that they wouldn't be able to be there for me from the very beginning. So here I am, 400 miles from anyone that I know and trying not to drink till I pass out. I've been at this alone for far too long, and I just needed to share, finally. Thank you for reading.

Those who I’m not really close to and don’t feel like having the conversation — some clients who ask “how’s your boyfriend” and I just talk about him like he’s still here.

It doesn’t feel right but it’s sort of nice to live in that fantasy for a moment

We have been together since we were 16. I was looking forward to this day all autumn but now that he’s gone it’s like an impossibly hard slap in the face that I’m alone and he’s never going to come back. No matter how hard I wish or cry or scream or pray or dream or beg I’ll never have him in my life again. All I have are pictures and videos left. But nothing can fill the void in my soul now. Why is life so cruel?

Anyone else have any anniversaries coming up or recently passed? Or any ideas how I can celebrate?

here I am on Saturday night, having a few drinks and vaping some THC. laying on the couch in the fetal position, listening to Blue October. our favorite band. One of the most spiritual and emotional experience since my wife went home. One song I'm crying and the next song right after laughing and smiling.. Love you forever, can't wait to join you my love ❤️

As a 24 year old widow it’s annoying because it’s always “you’re so young” “you’ll find someone new” “you have your whole life ahead of you”. Actually no, my life is fucking over. I don’t want anyone besides my husband. I don’t want to live this life without him. I pray every night I die in my sleep so I don’t have to suffer. No one can help me, not even a therapist. Whenever I try to do something fun I’m always feeling dirty and guilty and end the night sobbing. I’m over this life. As soon as he said he was going on deployment I knew I would never seeing him again. I just fucking knew it.

I wanna be where he is but I don’t want to hurt myself because he has never done this to himself even tho he has been through a lot.

Also I do not want my parents, my sister, and her son to be in pain.

There is no reason for me to be here anymore.

Running helps me but it is a cover up. I am running a Phily marathon in 3 weeks so that’s what keeps me occupied but after that I don’t know what’s going to happen.

I was watching Steel Magnolias for the umpteenth time. There is a great scene where Sally Fields losses it over the loss of her daughter and when she declares that she just wants to hit something (something that went through my mind many times), Olympia Dukakis pushes Shirley McLaine forward and say "Hit her". The scene then dissolves into laughter.

I was missing my wife a lot today. This scene wiped away my grief for the day.

All.thanks to those magnificent Magnolias.

Today I had an asthma attack and refused to go to the hospital. I just feel like if I die, I die. I’m ready to go anyways. This is my first sickness without my husband and it’s complete torture. I’m just ready to go, but today wasn’t that day. I know I should get therapy but what’s the point of getting better when my life is over? I’m just done.

How long did it take for people to be comfortable being around large crowds of people again? I’m 2.5 months out, and I cannot be around large crowds of people. I can’t go to places or events I used to go to like sporting events, bars, large restaurants, beaches, airports, bowling alleys, etc. I get overwhelmed by a lot of noise and seeing people live normal carefree lives and being happy while I just had my life go to the gutter and get turned upside down after my wife and my unborn baby she was pregnant with died. I was at a meeting at work and everyone was talking about how their Halloween went and weekend plans and I had to leave the room. I don’t like this!!!!!

How long did it take for people to be comfortable being around large crowds of people again? I’m 2.5 months out, and I cannot be around large crowds of people. I can’t go to places or events I used to go to like sporting events, bars, large restaurants, beaches, airports, bowling alleys, etc. I get overwhelmed by a lot of noise and seeing people live normal carefree lives and being happy while I just had my life go to the gutter and get turned upside down after my wife and my unborn baby she was pregnant with died. I was at a meeting at work and everyone was talking about how their Halloween went and weekend plans and I had to leave the room. I don’t like this!!!!!

Next month (12-21-24) will be nine years. I (55F) still cry. I have a life, but I can't say it isn't drastically different than what I thought it would be. I miss him. Cancer took him and in those 9 years there have been advances that would have allowed him to live. I'm not bitter, I'm just sad, but also grateful that others get to live because of the drug trials he did to help advance science.

I miss him. I miss him a lot. I've dated, but nothing has ever really fit. I'm ready now, I think, for a real partner, but I don't think anything will really take away this deep sadness. It's not like I go through my days with a frown, crying at every little thing, like I said, I have a life, but still.

I did just get sober. I started drinking the day after he died and drank heavily for 8.5 years. I'll be six months sober on Nov 11. Today I'm 175 days. I know that I drowned the pain, there's no denying that, but I also did therapy and a group and a lot of healing even while in the bottle. Now that I don't have anything to dampen the pain, I'm feeling it all. I don't love it, to say the least.

So how long does grief last? Will this be forever? Will I have tears most days? I don't sit home alone and cry, it's not like that, but when I am home, and it starts to get dark, I start to get tired, the tears come pretty easily. They don't last long, but they're still there.

Thanks for reading. I hope you all are finding some comfort today.

Obviously with friends, it's simple - cut them out. But when it's family.. What are you supposed to do? When people say the worst things? I was only with my husband for 5 short years, I'm still only 37. And my biggest fear has always been that to the outside world, that our relationship wouldn't matter or count, that I'm not a proper or even deserving of the title 'widow'. And that fear has been vocalized - not to my face, but still, it shows people do think it about me/us. That I should just be able to move on and make a new life. That it wasn't really that significant- after all we never had children, we never lived a full life together. What are you supposed to do after hearing that?

A few weeks ago I posted about my brother in law’s upcoming wedding. Because I’m too stubborn for my own good, I still attended. There were various reasons why, but the main one was that my son was in the wedding, and I wanted my BIL to still have that piece of his brother.

It was hard. I ugly cried. They had a beautiful memorial set up. But I survived. It was nice to see some light in the constant darkness.

I've been here, off and on, (and had to change usernames at least once because of contested will nightmare litigations) for nearly 10 years, since my person died.

Y'all have been great, and I've tried to post back by being here for new arrivals to our club.

But now... I'm struggling with a friend, but not a close friend, I care for her deeply, but really I met her as the mother of a dear friend. Her husband died suddenly, no warning (just like my loss) in his mid 50s. And all of a sudden, I forget what to say.

...

I see in her face that childlike thing... Someone says, "you're doing great" and she looks up with big hurting eyes and says "I am?" And oh, I remember that thing.

But I forget what to say.

Friends, remind me, please. They were married their whole adult lives. She's drowning. Of course she is.

What do I say?

Title says it. I’m noticing it more and more. I’ve always needed to get out of the house to cheer myself up, so that’s normal. I’ve rearranged a lot and started making it “my” space, although I have a lot to go. Sighing at the never ending housework seems normal. But I’m out in a decent mood, come home, and I’m not happy to be here. I haven’t had that “ah, I’m home” feeling in forever.

Nine weeks has not been a day that I haven’t cried, walked around in circles, and asked every question about what could’ve been done differently. How can this happen to us? Now that my in-laws have flat out blamed me, I guess because I was not a good enough husband or father, that’s why she is no longer here, even though it had to do with medical issues. My side of family Only reached out a few times over the last several weeks. And their support was to tell me be strong, you have to get over it and move on, that’s what your wife would want you to do. So, I changed my number, set boundaries, and pushed people away. As they get used to not having me part of their lives, it’ll be easier when I’m no longer here and I’ve joined my wife. so I cashed out my 401K, quit working, working on getting the house situated and I’m moving to Las Vegas. I’m trying to finish this love story off like Nicolas Cage and leaving Las Vegas! May each one of you who are on this journey of grief of losing a spouse, best friend and soulmate. May you find strength encourage to keep moving forward. I’m pushing filthy and my cards have been dealt. I’ve played them to the best of my ability, but this hand the only option I have is to fold. May peace be with you.

Something about looking at my husband's pictures and our pictures together just makes my heart drops. I miss him more than I can put in words. Reality is so cruel. It's been 7+weeks but I don't know why I still forget that he's gone gone sometimes. The moment I realize he's never coming back is when I get so miserably sad. Sad to the point where I'm confused what I'm feeling. I can't cry but it's just a weird feeling in my chest. I truly truly hate this reality that I have no control over.

I'm so desperate to communicate with my husband (I just want to know if he's still around spiritually) that I'm considering going to a medium but I also don't want to fall victim to scams because of my grieving brain. Everything I've been reading either points to them being a scam or people love them. Every time I read about good experiences, i start questioning if it's just a product of cold readings. I want to dissect their readings. Are grieving people just feeding the mediums information without realizing because they so desperately want to connect with their loved ones. I don't want to do something rash. Thoughts/advice/recommendations?

I lost my wife last March. She worked from home. So, by the time I got home, she was already in her chair watching some loud silly show (RuPaul's drag race, etc). We have two dogs, and of course she would give them attention all day, as work would allow. After I lost her, I took the dogs to work with me. I work for an dog-friendly firm. We have 8-10 dogs there sometimes.

The point is, coming home with the dogs to a silent, silent home is heartbreaking every day. There's no one waiting for me, and there is no joyous noise. Hell, there is no joy at all. The silence is overwhelming.

Last year, though, after the time change, I suddenly came home to a silent AND BLACK house. I pushed the front door open and it was pitch black. Nothing. Just black. And it was so, so very crushing.

So, I started leaving a lamp on in the living room. The bulbs are LED, so the cost is near nothing.

It’s been 143 days since he died and I can still see the indent in my finger from where the ring sat. I moved to a new state. I’ve tried to start over. This is all so complicated and awful and I can’t help but blame myself. He should still be here. I celebrated my 30th without him first time in 8 years I didn’t have him around for a birthday. Idk if I ever want to love someone on this level again. This grief is a void threatening to take me with it. I love love…. But the thought of losing someone like this again, its terrifying. To know someone else on the same level, exchanged looks meanings only us to know. Things only we understood about each other no one else will ever get.

Please someone tell me theres more after this. Please someone tell me it’s going to be ok.

My need for human connection, and touch took over all commen since. It's too soon for a relationship. I'm only 9 weeks post d-day.

I brought our toddler to gymnastics and all of the parents are watching and enjoying and I am sitting in the back of the room on a folding chair alone. I am trying to wave and smile to our girl but I am crying and wiping my tears so no one sees me. It’s one month today. The only person that could help me through this is not here anymore. I miss my husband and I feel so alone sitting here. I ran out to the car because I couldn’t stop crying. I just needed to tell someone. The weekends are very hard especially with our young daughter. Thank you for listening.

Edit: Thank you all so much for these heartfelt and thoughtful messages. It is not an exaggeration to say they have helped me get through the day. I am sending you all strength as well.

I don't know if this is a healthy copeing method or not but so often I find myself talking to my husband (1year passed/married for 8 years/together for 10) he was my best friend, he was the healthiest relationship I ever had and he saved my life more than once. I live all alone and don't have a car to get around so all I can do to occupy myself is video games, YouTube and Reddit (Sad life I know) but at least 3-5 times a day I'll talk to his ashes like he's right there and crack jokes and of course cry my eyes out like he can hear me and everything. I know there is no "wrong" way to grieve but I wanted to see if anyone else dose this or if anyone else knows how healthy this is to do.

Of course in the modern day, anytime is cartoon time, but I let the kids watch cartoons in the mornings on the weekend. I drink coffee, read, and just bask in the warmth of my family. I’m sad and lonely and miss my wife so much, but mornings with the kids make it a little better.

On Saturdays in late summer the local farmer’s market would be going. We loved to go get some fresh veggies and some fresh home baked goods. We didn’t go every weekend but we went often enough. It was a nice way to pass some time while getting healthy food to eat.

Did you and your lost love have a Saturday ritual you did together?

Miss you so bad now.😔🥺🥺🥺🥺

You may not be able to feel my physical presence, but my love for you is everywhere around you. It's in the warmth of the sun, the beauty of nature, the laughter of friends, and the comfort of your favorite things. My love is in every moment, every thought, and every memory we've shared together. It's in every beat of your heart. And whenever you feel that, you'll know that I'm here, always and forever.

I always had trouble getting up in the morning, my whole life. But since she died on 6/6 I wake up at 5 or 6 a.m. EVERY DAY. And I mean AWAKE. Like let’s go mother fuckers what ya got? I’m ready!

I’m so done with it!

After my 76-year-old husband of 37 years suffered intensely from unending complications of bone marrow cancer for 12 years, he was in ICU on a ventilator (again) after unexpected upper GI internal bleeding. His cancer treatments had stopped working. His ICU physician said he agreed with me "one thousand percent" to discontinue life support so my husband would no longer suffer; we had prepared advance directives and medical power-of-attorney years earlier after discussing this potential scenario. Two days earlier in the hospital my husband said he "wished he were dead" so he did not have to face what was ahead. He died about 9 hours after the unexpected onset of upper GI bleeding that led to intubation and multiple other "life support/death prolonging" measures.

As he died with dawn approaching, I held his hand, stroked is hair, and hoping he could hear me, softly sang "Over the Rainbow" and "Love Is A Many Splendored Thing" into his ear.

I was his sole carer for those twelve years of endless treatments, hospitalizations, decline, and suffering. Making this decision for him was the most sorrowful experience of my life, but I did it to honor his wishes and to prevent him further agony. His longtime oncologist for those twelve years told me it was the right call because my husband would have had "a rough road ahead." Still, I am crushed and heartbroken, while grateful his suffering is over.

From those of you who made a similar decision not to prolong your loved one's suffering and dying process, I would appreciate, if it is not too painful for you, learning about your experience in coming to this decision and coping with it afterwards. Thank you with my wishes for your peace and comfort.

Almost 4 years and my heart still hurts. 💔

The song I sang at his funeral came up today and my heart is still just as broken as the day I sang it. But I'll keep singing it until the day we meet again. I'll always love you. Forever 27, my love. ❤️

My husband passed several months ago. My life is insane right now, but I still am so freaking lonely. I downloaded the apps thinking I just need to get something out of my system, but just…. No.

I feel I can only lean on my friends so much, than it’s just too depressing. I don’t feel comfortable telling people I’m lonely.

I have two kids, both pregnancies pretty much ruined my body, I’m in my 30’s, and don’t even care to do anything to myself. I don’t feel I’ll ever be ‘wanted’ again anyways. I just can’t see a future with anyone else. I’m having a hard time coping with the deafening silence of the rest of my life.