Im sitting here, chillin with the pup, and my SO comes downstairs and asks me when I’m crying? I don’t know man, it’s just something that happens? A lot? No particular reason, just caught a case of the morbs? Anyways, SO got me a drink so now I can cry while drinking water. Yea.

Good times.

They are too old for anything to be done and there are few readers here. I like

From going to school to studying to apprenticeship to corporate Management.

From living with my parents, to roommates, to living alone to living with a spouse.

From Single to relationship to married to fatherhood.

No Hobby sticks, no enjoyment sticks, just Depression and suicide.

Its always going to be there and life is always going to be dull, so why not give in to it.

with the kitchen scissors. wouldn't even say it's that bad. that's a coping mechanism I can't do again for a while lol

I'm not ok right now. After running from conflict and people who wouldn't talk directly with me, it has followed me to my family I'm staying with and I'm just beyond done with myself and the other adults I'm staying with.

We've all got issues within ourselves to deal with and things to be grateful for and external problems to deal with too. We've all stopped talking to each other about anything relevant to the issues between us. I was trying to keep talking about other stuff to try and build some kind of bridge and well I'm a pretty genuine person when I do talk. I like to be vulnerable to people I'm close with but that seems to lead to opening myself up to judgements and connections being made that I didn't anticipate, just making the emotional landscape more and more treacherous. But real isolation isn't an option for me right now anyway.

At this point I'm offended and feeling judgemental myself. I don't get angry when I could reasonably confront anyone. The small periods of time where this could be done I'm usually finding something to distract myself from my anxiety. But then once it's time for bed, my thoughts are racing and I feel just how bad things are. Without sleep I don't know how I'm going to in terms of my experience attack a lion. I need to move but it's complicated and I can't really control when I'll be able to do that.

It's obvious we need to talk and honestly it would probably work out fine if we did. But there's such a limited window for it and it's basically just a couple hours before bed time so it's really not ideal and so easy to let slip by. We are all so tired.

I have a strong urge to live, to reach out and make connections. To be genuine in the face of communication breakdowns and forge a way forward. I am a strong person. I've been the strong person in a lot of ways at a lot of points in my life. I'm tired and worn at this point. I'm disappointed in myself but I also accept it's what's going on. I just need help but there's no one to help me more than a little because they're also struggling. I think it's reasonable to give more of myself to try and get the good vibes flowing but I'm already struggling to keep up the bare minimum to not be utterly shitty.

I really want to live my life in a better way but I get so frustrated with the way that people are. The way that people take advantage of the way that I am. I'm not stupid I'm just severely cowed and even as I walk around with my head bent down I do ultimately have a sense of fairness for myself. I struggle to assert that and then get angry at people for taking advantage. I really don't want to walk around assuming people will treat me poorly unless I tell them not to. I try to do the same for others, look out for them not just based on what they say or present themselves as but also based on what I think is fair and what I can sense about their emotional state. I do worry that I'm not as good at that as I want to be as well.

I often try to just accept people without further discussion based on that. I tell myself that I'm misinterpreting things and their behavior has more to do with their own issues but things don't always get better that way. Things just get worse and I lose the ability to excuse their actions and then I get angry and act out in little ways myself. It just spirals.

I have a hard time both accepting that people can be so immature and vindictive or just irrational and that I need to make communication happen. I do think it's been one of my strengths but I'm in such a vulnerable and marginalized position. I've had major parts of my life break down and I've been pathologically isolating myself because I am so uncomfortable thinking and feeling that I make everyone else uncomfortable with my sad lonely self centered way of being.

I don't know how I'm going to get the courage to make things better but it's reaching a point where it will be absolutely necessary. It's just ridiculously hard to take up the amount of space required to feel sane when the people closest to you keep pushing the walls in on you. I try to give myself a pass when I know I'm going through a rough time but at the other end of that rough time, I'm the only person whose been willing to do that and I have some serious shit to clean up. Otherwise I'll just keep losing ground and I'll cave in on myself. It just makes me really angry. I want people to be direct with me and tell me what I'm doing that makes them feel it's ok to treat me this way. I do not like to play games and just throw pebbles back and forth instead of just asking for what you want and need. I guess I'm naive somehow and still expect people besides myself to make efforts at real understanding. I'm resentful that as broken and tired and unfulfilled as I am I'm still the one to make this work. I just want it to be ok that I'm the way that I am while I slowly work past it. I want others to be strong for me sometimes. Not a strength of using dishonesty to paper over conflicts that are not being addressed properly but to make real communication happen and move forward. I'm so tired.

I've dealt with depression as long as I can remember and in my adult years anxiety has become a frequent problem as well. My life has been a low key dumpster fire for about the last 7 years with a couple years where things were almost ok, then back to low key dumpster fire. I mean, it could be so, so so so much worse but everything is just difficult. Family, work, social life, love life. Right now I'm staying with family due to issues at my apartment that were causing me to have increasingly intense panic attacks, and I'm just too damned awkward and broken to fit in anywhere it feels like. I don't ask for what I need if I think the response will be less than enthusiastic. I need people to constantly reassure me in order to feel comfortable. I know that's not normal. I know it's ok for people to be annoyed or just not thrilled about something mundane but it hurts when I don't feel some warmth or kindness out of nearly any interaction.

​

I had been getting close and romantic with a good friend which was pretty amazing and awesome but staying with family has driven a wedge between us. I'm too neurotic trying to please my family to be able to just relax and spend time with them and of course everyone around me is going through a hard time. Everyone. My family is struggling with emotional stuff and my close friend is struggling with work stuff and living situation stuff and emotional stuff. Work is constantly changing and everyone is working a big hard right now. I don't have any more people I am close enough with to feel comfortable leaning on. I feel like if I talk to a person, it will just be to complain endlessly about my feelings and how hard everything is for me.

​

I was going to therapy but it wasn't a super great fit, then I changed therapists and was too scatterbrained to be able to get it to work with them either, now I'm stuck far away from the clinic I've been going to so it's a big deal to try and get back, not to mention I need to do more than just show up.

​

I need my own place again but that is a huge ordeal to coordinate, and it doesn't help that I don't have my own transportation so I have to rely on my already overwhelmed support network to get anything done. I'm stuck in a way that CAN be unstuck, and things could be great ... after I go through a whole lot of difficult messy annoying not fun stuff and I don't feel I have it in me.

​

I am fighting with myself to stop saying I want to die etc. I know it's 100% worth it to keep trying, things are not so bad to justify giving up, but there's just so much unpleasantness to slog through to get there. I've gotten through a lot of my life by just persevering and I just desperately need a break. All I can do is keep going, dragging my lame self along the way.

I'm about ready to block my mother in law's texts because she likes to take every little mess in the house like a personal attack on her. Unfortunately, my fiance and I live with her and I can't block her. It's draining both of us to a point where we're miserable all the time. We both have an hour and a half long commute to and from work each way every day (so 3 hours each total) and we both work 40+ hour work weeks. We had to move unexpectedly a few months ago so she offered to let us stay at her house but at this point I think I might prefer to be homeless. We don't have enough time in the day to do everything she asks of us. She invited us to live there but won't let us live there. She wants zero trace of us in the house. We can't even leave a jacket out (we live in New England mind you) without her bitching. She sends these super long winded texts about all the stuff we don't do but we literally get home, eat dinner, and go to bed. That's all we have time for. Admittedly our room is messy but we try to fit in what we can. We don't expect her to clean up after us at all nor do we want her to. Our mess is confined to our room with the exception of leaving shoes or jackets out by the door because it's fucking freezing out. She's very "my way or the highway" as well as a completely illogical and unreasonable person. We can't afford to get our own place right now because both of our cars have had problem after problem and we've been broke because of it. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped in this miserable living situation with this miserable woman and we can't even afford to get a hotel for the weekend to escape. It's getting us so down and making me so anxious that I constantly feel like I have to throw up and I'm on the verge of tears every day. My fiance is becoming a miserable person because he can't get away from her either. She was borderline abusive to him when he was younger and I hate that we have nowhere else to go right now. I'm becoming passively suicidal and she's wreaking havoc on both of our mental health. She wouldn't care or change even if I told her that. She's an unreasonable person and I can't take it anymore. I'm always on edge, my blood is always boiling, I'm irritable, I'm having stomach problems, my blood sugar has been crazy high. I feel like I'm going to end up killing myself (either on accident or on purpose) living with this woman.

This will be the first time I the nine years that I’ve been struggling with depression that I have been able to say the words out loud. She immediately booked me for another appointment next week so we can talk in depth more, and gave me some print out on affordable therapy options near me. I am proud of myself for finally being able to ask for help, but I wish I felt... I don’t know, like progress was being made, or as if there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Instead I just felt more numb than usual, and exhausted by the whole exchange. Did anyone else have a similar experience when they first reached out for help?

Ugh. Trolls. I have been debating getting a new car for 2 years now and I finally pulled the trigger on Thursday night and was SOOOO happy about it. Friday night on the way home from dinner a woman stopped at a green light to let someone in and I got in a four car accident. The front of my car has to be replaced entirely, but thankfully no one was hurt and the engine is in-tact.

People keep telling me "at least this" and "at least you", which I know are all true things, but it still hurts so bad and I'm trying not to spiral out of control and over-focus on the small things that have all gone wrong lately (e.g. I've developed cystic acne at the age of 26).

Thanks for listening.

What a horrible feeling. I can't help that I'm not better yet.

I've always suffered from anxiety, along with bouts of depression. But this week, I experienced something new. After about 10 days of interupted sleep cycles (awake every 2-3 hours), I began experiencing odd taste reactions. Certain foods started tasting bitter or "unpleasant". This comes and goes, but it is very new and very disconcerting. I believe that it comes from a surge of norepinephrine, which has always been high for me (due to an abusive childhood). I'd like help identifying what drugs to take for this, and am open to both psychiatric and natural medications. I'm not on any other medicines, other than occasional nootropic stacks, such as phenylpiracetam + choline or noopept + choline.

Moved to Massachusetts about a year and a half ago. I have some friends but they're more friends by proxy (my fiance's friends, I moved here from Florida to be with him), rather than my own friends. I like them all but feel weird asking most of them to hang out without him. I've made a few friends myself through work and stuff but every time I try to make plans with them there's one reason or another (or none) why they can't make it and no one ever offers to reschedule. I feel lonely and shitty like I have no escape from anything. When I'm having an argument with my fiance I have no one to vent to. I have no one who's house I can go to for some time away. I have no one to go shopping with or really go out and do anything with but my fiance. Don't get me wrong, I love him and I love spending time with him but I need girl time too and friends outside of him. I feel like I have a really hard time connecting with people because I always feel so awkward all the time like no one really wants to be around me. I'm also often really broke and can't go out and spend a lot of money on stuff due to the fact that I'm currently the main breadwinner in our relationship so I have double my normal expenses.

Today we're having roommate drama and I don't even want to go home after work. I don't feel welcome or comfortable there right now, but again I have no one to do anything with. I messaged a mutual friend of ours and the roommate and was met with an unusual coldness and lack of response after a hello so I have no idea if the roommate in question got her involved or what. To make a long story short, fiance and I clean everything in the house whether it's ours or not and roommate only cleans his stuff and thinks we never clean anything. He had a big blow up about it last night/this morning.

I don't know if this is the place to ask but do any of you live in/near Middlesex county in MA that would want to do something? I'm tearing up at the thought of going home after work today. I don't really want to go drinking or anything like that though, just something low key like window shopping or getting our nails done or whatever. Have my own transportation as well. Also I'm 27 for reference.

A couple of things made me realize I was struggling with depression recently (it tends to creep up and I don't notice it right away). This time I knew it would be an issue as my most recent and best relationship I've ever had, just ended.

These are a few of my current feelings, I would like to know if these are similar to yours when you struggle.

• When I wake up I am immediately looking forward to going to bed that night.

• I dread the weekend - it feels like a vast open space for too much alone time and thinking.

• Afternoons are my hardest time - I'm basically counting down the hours until I can acceptably get into bed. The closer I get the "better" I feel.

• I don't want to burden my friends by asking if they want to hang out and when the thought of actually hanging out comes up, I really don't feel like doing it.

I'm glad this community exists and I hope you all are having an okay day.

I love my husband, if I had dreamed up a perfect guy, it would be him. He’s amazing, wonderful in bed, and yet, now I feel like sex is just another chore to be added to my to do list. And I hate that. I hate it so much.

I guess I just want to know if this gets better too. Or if anyone else gets this. I feel like a terrible wife.

Felt okay in the daytime. Until my Dad called to tell me how great his Christmas is going and that he misses me. They live several states away and have never come to visit. No family where I live. I don't work anymore, so I tried to do some art to distract myself but didn't get much done.

No food in our fridge except for frozen french fries. No food in the pantry. I ended up eating fries for my first meal of the day at 10 pm. Meanwhile I sit here and just rot. I'm a pointless waste of space. I have tried really hard to be friends with my upstairs neighbor. I really needed her after going to the ER twice last week. It's been a week now and she hasn't responded to any of my messages.

Once 6 pm hit the paralyzing anxiety set in, as it does every night. Didn't want to bother my SO and I couldn't communicate, so instead of lashing out at him I curled up in bed, crying, drifting in and out of sleep. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore, so I took a bunch of pills and desperately scraped together the very little, already partially vaped weed I could find. Combined, they knocked me out in about 30 minutes and I felt much better.

Why am I still here? I owe my SO so much money and I make so little, through side jobs and selling my art. It's almost impossible for me to pay my own, simple bills. I would sooner kill myself than work at another job. People on the outside would think I'm overreacting. That's fair of them. But I'm the one living with my stupid fucking brain. I know why I can't. But my explanations sound like excuses to them. I'm literally a burden on everybody I know and with nothing to offer them for their terrible experience knowing me. Sorry for forcing you to read this. But thank you for doing it.

My boyfriend: 'no it's not, you just haven't been out in daylight for months.'

I’m quitting my job before the end of the year. I’ve been here since mid 2012. It’s been a long time. I’m comfortable here, but I’m not doing well. I’m struggling with this because I need to stay long enough to get some medical things sorted out, but my resentment towards my boss keeps growing.

My boss is a person. I keep reminding myself of this. She and I’s working relationship started out seemingly okay. But it changed somewhere along the way and now it’s Toxic with a capital T. This makes me sad, angry and frustrated.

She gave me a chance when she hired me full time in early 2015 (I was previously part-time). She hired me with expectations that I was unable to live up to and when I was struggling it felt like she began to despise me. I stopped receiving even the smallest of validation for anything. Nothing I do now will ever live up to her expectations. Even when I gave my best all I received were criticisms. So I gave up. I should have quit then. I tried to be happy with myself and set myself smaller goals for improvement, but the write ups and negative evaluations chipped at my tenuous hold on my mental health. I honestly cannot remember a word that was said in any of my evaluations/documented counseling sessions/write up meetings. The stress caused my brain to check out. That is neither here nor there, but it is a testament to how much I cared. I cared so much I have made myself sick with the endless stress and sorrow.

My boss also does this thing where she changes her mind and then (without meaning to I hope) gaslights me (because either she never did change her mind and I’m just wrong or I should have read her mind and just “known” to do it differently). This is the single most important reason for me leaving. I don’t read minds and I don’t appreciate putting work in on a project she asked me to do only to have to throw out my work because she wants to do things exactly her way without telling me what she actually wants.

My boss would tell you she tried everything to help me. She gave me links to resources, she researched time management opportunities and gave me endless chances. I will never disagree to those statements.
What I will say is she always gave me enough rope to hang myself. I don’t remember her trying to redirect me before I got bad enough to warrant another write up. Some would say that was not her job. Perhaps that’s correct. It’s what I need to be successful though, so I’ll go in search of a place where I can get it.

In general this job is a bad fit for me. I’m stuck in a small office where everyone has easy access to question or torment me.
One coworker in particular has caused me grief my entire time here. This person regularly had comments about my weight and eating habits. In addition they refused to listen to directions or accept change to any process. All I’ve seen for 4 years is this person never ever changing their behavior and still remaining employed. I stopped telling my boss about their behavior when I gave up on living up to her expectations. On to the endless questions. I’m treated as a secretary, but rebuffed by my boss because this takes up so much of my time, but I get attitude or huffs from folks when I attempt to tell them to find the file or information on their own or (heaven forbid) write down the message and place it on the desk of the person they want to relay their message to.

I never know what I’m supposed to be doing. Mine is a “new” position and I received some direction from my boss in the way of yearly goals, but no direction on how to actually complete the goals. She’ll put something like “create a database” for something on my yearly goal sheet and then give me no direction as to what she wanted or how I should go about doing this thing that I have zero experience in and no one else in our department has ever done. And see above on her changing her mind. She’ll say something at the goals meeting and then change her mind about and not tell me, or she’ll not keep me informed of things that directly affect or change the scope of my goals. It’s frustrating and you start to believe you’re going crazy.

Lets take a moment and remind ourselves that my boss is a person. A person with a personal life that has been shitty and emotional at times and has been happy and good at times.
At work she may seem to be “perfect” in practically every way, but surely she is not. She can’t be. She’s got to have bad days, she’s got to have forgotten things or made mistakes. I’ve just never, ever seen it. And god damn it, it is disheartening to never live up to perfection. And her level of inhuman perfection is the standard she holds everyone to, so of course we are always a disappointment.

Now on to me. I’m a less than stellar employee. My giving up has not helped this.

I have pretty pronounced ADHD and depression, for which I have been hospitalized due to being suicidal.
I am late often. I think I can just get that one more thing done before leaving the house OR I struggle to get out of bed due to depression.

I thrive on disorganization. Seriously. I am more creative and better at problem solving in what other folks call a mess, I occasionally have to do a reset, but that’s my process. This is not a positive attribute when working with type a people.

I have anxiety that is “triggered” when I supervise people. I’m generally afraid of people and so supervising is not something I do well. I also hate this because I don’t want to be a bad supervisor to people, so I’d rather not be one at all.

I’m bad at returning emails if I don’t have an answer for someone. I’ve been working on doing the “I’m not sure right now and it will take me a bit to research this for you” email response.

I am easily distracted by the “now” and have a hard time keeping track of projects that stretch across months. I complete the daily tasks and am generally quick to help everyone research “stuff” or to find that file that’s not where it should be, but switching back to incrementally planning something that is 6 months away is difficult for me.

I have ADHD. My desk is in the center of the room with desks all around me, no partitions to block noise or movement. I’m not allowed to listen to music and I’m not allowed to use earplugs. It is literally my hell on earth. As a result I’m not focused enough and am easily drawn into other people’s projects and conversations.

I get passionate about projects. Meaning I’ll focus all my energy on making it great, while not keeping up with other things as well. Lately I haven’t been doing this because everything at my job is now lackluster and I don’t find anything worthwhile.

I work best under pressure. I have great ideas one or two days before a program and will sometimes change everything (always an improvement btw). See above about working with type a folks.

I constantly research ways to make programs better and try new things, it is arguable that my time should be spent elsewhere.

I am not what my boss wants me to be. I am not a mini-her. She believes she could do everything (EVERYTHING) I do better. Better organized, better quality, better timeline, just always better than I could.

So I’m quitting my job in December. I don’t know if I’ll be okay. It’s scary. It’s new. But I’ll get a fresh start and hopefully find something that works with my personality and not constantly against it.

I’m sad about it. This is my home. It has been for 5 years. I’ll miss it.

I’m trying not to tear myself down. I’m not a great employee, but in the right place I could be. Just because I didn’t fit here does not mean I won’t fit anywhere. I’m not a bad person because I didn’t succeed in my workplace. Sometimes I don’t believe these things. Sometimes I believe I’m a trash human. That I’m taking up space, air and energy that should belong to someone more deserving.

Did I mention I’m terrified? I don’t have a bulletproof plan. I’ve decided I'm not going to pursue a job in this field because the community is small and they all idolize my boss. I feel it would be a bad plan. I also feel burnt out.
But I also have a mortgage and other debts. I may become bankrupt. I may lose my house and I may kill my decent credit. I’ll lose my health insurance. I’ll be cut off from my therapist and doctors. I’m not exactly sure how I’ll get my medications.

I may go back to school. I may get a dead-end job making 1/3 to 2/3 my usual income to slow the inevitable financial ruin.

I may do a lot of things, I may be okay but I may also kill myself because I may not be able to handle it.

But right now I’m adrift and that’s scary as hell.

I don't have any friends, and even if I did, I wouldn't want to impose upon them by making them clean up after me.

My SO tries, but he barely knows how to operate a vacuum. Plus, he's usually at work - as am I, really - so asking him to support me during this time is going to be really difficult.

Basically I just want to whine. I'm sorry if this isn't want this sub is for, but I've reached a point where it's either whine or address my depression (which is impossible because I'm broke).