During and long after the traumatic event, I remember feeling ashamed for fighting back and standing up for myself. I remember feeling shame for being abused at all.
Meanwhile, the people who hurt me the most back then most likely didn't feel a thing about what they did. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they were proud of what they did.

In other words, abuse is one of the most horrific most shameful thing one could do to another person. And yet, my abusers were shameless about what they did, while I'm the one who's ashamed of what's been done to me.

So, found out my 7 year old daughter recently took pictures of her privates with my 7 year old neice. That's bad enough, and we talked about ok and no ok behavior.

However, in talking to my daughter, she said the neice forced her to do it. Saying "do it, just do it".

To me this is a learned behavior hinting at a larger issue. Am I crazy for thinking that someone has done this to my neice?

Any advice is welcome.

i feel bored and a little lonely so anyone free? i can talk abt anything.

Male, 30. In my mid 20's, out of seemingly nowhere, I recalled my first time masturbating- I was maybe 6? What bothered me about the memory is that when I had an orgasm, I remember immediately thinking "oh that's The Feeling ". I recognised it, even had a term for it. It was almost like I rediscovered it. I've always been an anxious person with low self esteem, and am wondering what the odds are that I have some suppressed memories/trauma. Is it likely this is worth pursuing? Or am I just over thinking this? Any advice or insight is welcome, thank you in advance 🙏

Hi everyone, this is my first post here, and I wanted to share some things I've been going through. I'm hoping this can be a place where I can express myself openly and maybe find some support.

Lately I've been feeling a little bit more drawned than usual. I am a 28 year old woman with a backstory involving a lot of sexual abuse and lately, I just don't know where I should pull my strength from anymore.

Everything started with my biological mom. She met my dad (who was the face of her own father and also the age). They fell in love, got pregnant and married over a one year time. The rumors were terrible: my nannies had to take me out of the house, while my dad was working, because my mom took some dudes over, each at a time, and they'd scream, slaping sounds or make any sexual weird noises and I had to be rushed out of the house.

Their relationship didn’t last. My mom kicked my dad out while he was traveling, and almost immediately, another man was living with us. I still remember his name. Looking back, I realize how many men she brought into my life, and I think I was lucky that none of them was violent towards me. In fact, at the beggining, my mom did all that part.

After this time, there's a lot of confusion in my memories, specially because I was 2 / 3 at the time and they got into a lot of fights, I got to a lot of different homes with her or with him. It was all very confusing since I didn't have a routine, parents that could give me any good models or reliability in general.

I remember always feeling like a circus attraction. She used to expose me to everybody, proudly saying she made me, encouraging people to touch me, look at me while she asked me to dance, sing, smile and be pretty.

I was only 3-4 years and I use to wake up in the middle of the night, in her lap, while we were in a bar. I still had my pijamas and no shoes, in a fucking weird and unkown place, with all thar drinking and cigarettes.

After living like this for a while (there are more details but I'm trying to resume a little and be quick), mom got married with this guy we'll call Joel. I remember him so well. He was tall (I'm almost 5 at this moment), dark hair, thick glasses, deep voice and smelled like a nice perfume mixed with malboro red.
Joel was the best with me, I guess he was the first one to find out how my mom treated me. He felt weird about her, I could see in his eyes. She got very drunk, they used to have sex and then big huge fights, but mostly her yelling something that even she didn't know because she was just so so drunk all the time she could.

While we lived with Joel, she started to get worse. I had a nanny at the time, and was left alone too much time with her and the 11yld son. Obviously, it didn't go well. Oficially, I entered the be-abused world to only get out at the age of 24.

He used to always try to get alone with me. Touched me, my body, rubbed himself against me and, I even remember one time he putted his dick in my butt. Yup, I was 5. So far, it could only be children playing 'they don't know what they're doing', sure. Nobody found out, nobody ever knew and nobody was even suspiscious.

This was happening continuously, until the nanny never showed up again. Wich meant that everything should be done by my mom. Taking care of the house, of me, cooking everyday...

Things got a little calmer. My mom wasn't even drikning that much wich helped a lot with the beatings, cigarette burns and yelling out of nowhere. Unfortunately, I got invited to be the ring bearer for my teacher-at-the-time wedding and this peace wouldn't last long.

When we went to the wedding, it was beautiful. I felt great, had fun, and everybody seems to like me. Felt like I was safe, my friends from school were there, my teachers and Joel. Fun!

After this great evening, when we came back home, very tired, my mom took me straight to my room -which i tought it was weird since I always took a shower before bed, and locked the door. Of course, I could smell her breath of i-had-too-many-beers and was so scared, not understanding what was going to happen.

She putted me on top of the bed, took of all my clothes, leaving only the underware and man, she started to beat the shit out of me. Idk how long that lasted, but I remember listening to Joel desperately trying to get in, yelling to her to stop doing whatever she was, but she wasn't listening to anything. Felt like she was in a transe, punishing me for being so loved, for having fun. I don't know, I just couldn't understand what I had done wrong that time. But with her, I never did.

Finally, Joel kicked the door open and got her out. He locked her in their room, I think he slapped her and after things got a little quieter, he came back to take care of me, I took my shower, went to bed, not syaing a word -how would I dare to do so, and went to bed. I remember waking up in the middle of the night and seeing her laying on the ground, sleeping in her guilt. I was so disgusted but also thankfull for her being there.

After this, they separeted. We were living in a house, of a favor, and there were a couple, male and female kids 12 and 15ages. There, they wouldn't give me the food my mom bought, just pure rice. (i guess it was something). Here it was much stranger. The family there was odd, it really felt that we were bothering them all the time and, at this house, I also got someones attetion. This time, it was the girl. She was always wanting to play under the covers and asking me stuff like 'do you know how to kiss' and asked me to kiss 'down there'. Remember, I was still 5 at the time and she was 15. This happened a lot of times, I really felt weird but didn't understand at all what was happening and I thought, ever since we could sleep and eat there as a favor, I should do as asked, always.

Finally, I think the Mom had a glimpse of sanity and asked the dad's family if I could stay with them while she looked for houses, apartments or any healthy place we could stay.

While this was all happening, I remember of discovering myself at a very young age. My sexuallity was very estimulated over this last year and I was starting to discover I could touch myself so I got caught several doing it. Not very good for the age.

After I change houses (and family) things got better for a couple of years, finally. I got to a place where there were rules, stability, reliability, controled enviroment, a lot of food and a tv channel that had only cartoons.

*hello! Thank you if you read so far. Today was very hard to write this, so I'll stop a little and come back to finish later. It's weird to just talk about stuff like this because, well, nobody never wants to talk about it and, when I open up, people usually get very sad, frustrated and anxious.

Tbh, it's always very frustrating to share. People or say that I should just forget it, get over it and stop "dragging chains from the past" but nobody wants to help during the healing part.

**Forgive me for any grammar mistakes, feel free to teach me! Not my first language.

i always start to overthink everything possible when arguing with my friend and thinking they’ll leave me or think differently abt me. i js want to feel im not alone bcs sometimes it feels lonely.

I’ve been looking into some fascinating theories on how psychedelics like psilocybin might help people recover from trauma, and they’ve really shifted my perspective on why these experiences can feel so transformative. The analogy that stood out to me was thinking of the mind as a snow globe.

When we go through trauma, it’s like the “snowflakes” in our minds—thoughts, memories, and emotions—settle into rigid, stuck patterns. Over time, these fixed grooves keep us trapped in old responses and perspectives. Psychedelics seem to “shake up” the snow globe, breaking those trauma-based patterns and allowing us to see things from a new perspective.

Here’s a quick breakdown of how this might work:

1. Epigenetic Reset – Trauma can leave “imprints” on our DNA expression, locking us into survival responses. Psychedelics may help reset these, opening new, healthier pathways in the mind.

2. Restoring Harmony – Trauma disrupts mental “harmony.” Psychedelics might act like a tuning fork, helping us reconnect to a balanced state and a sense of collective healing.

3. Softening Rigid Paths – Trauma creates deep grooves in our mental landscape, trapping us in reactive loops. Psychedelics could help smooth out these pathways, giving us flexibility for new ways of thinking and feeling.

4. Anchoring New Patterns – After a psychedelic session, people often report long-lasting positive shifts. Scientists think psychedelics might help create stable mental patterns that “anchor” us in new, healthier perspectives.

5. Quantum Coherence – This one’s a bit heady, but there’s a theory that psychedelics might help the brain sync up at a quantum level, allowing thoughts and memories to realign and integrate more clearly.

These ideas suggest psychedelics could help us heal by disrupting trauma-based patterns and allowing our minds to find new harmony and balance.

Has anyone here had experience with psychedelics in their healing journey? Would love to hear if these ideas resonate with anyone!

Psychedelics shaking up trauma and reordering consciousness (https://myco-method.com/f/psychedelics-shaking-up-trauma-and-reordering-consciousness)

it can destroy my whole mood and makes me feel so miserable. i try to remind me of that nothing was as good as i remembered it to be which makes it feel better. but it’s like i never can really enjoy the life im living rn but only focusing and living through the memories of how it used to be. just for one year ago.

I just got out of school from practice and my friend asked me to drop him off and I told him sure so I was driving until he told me to take a left so I moved to the middle lane and then the light turned green but all of a sudden my brain just turned off and I went when I didn’t have the right to go then a car was driving and it hit me but luckily I turned left and she turned right but her car got scraped in the front so I was freaking out because this was the first week I get to drive to school and I messed it up by being stupid I honestly don’t know what happened when I turned it like I barley remember it. But luckily no one was hurt and she also had her kids in the car so I was really freaking out then I have her my info then my dad came and he was chill about it and she was chill it’s almost like they acted like it was kinda ok and I was just freaking out. But I still dropped off my friend and my dad was following me home to make sure I get there safe then when I got home I was just freaking out like no way that happened and I feel so bad and I just can’t believe how stupid I was and I should’ve been paying attention and I’m still freaking out idk what to do like I’m scared of driving like I feel kinda sad and depressed and I feel so bad for putting her kids in that situation I’m just so mad at myself even if everything went well and it was that bad I still feel bad and sad I just don’t know what to do. Can somebody help me.

Why do I give up easily? Life is harder for me than most people I know. I know I will always fail and never amount to anything. Why even try?

maybe not ALWAYS but majority of times when i’m meeting up with a guy i end up rejecting him after a while. not bcs i got bored but bcs i don’t feel the sparks between us. i’ve always been like that and idk what the issue is. there’s only one guy that i really felt much for and i really feel in love with him although i noticed it very late and it ended by him breaking my heart and im still not over it yet (it’s gotten much better). ig i was scared of going into a relationship with anyone bcs of my past (had a bad experience with being in a relationship that i feel locked in🔒) so i struggled a lot with that during a period of time. and during that period i understood why i didn’t want to have a relationship. but it’s not like that anymore, rn i really want a bf and im not scared of “missing out” or anything like that. but i struggle to find a spark, get feelings etc etc for people, sometimes even attraction… i don’t want to be like this since i can’t enjoy the time with a guy without that something needs to bug me with him. ughh. anyone else feeling similar or so? or maybe anyone knowing what this can be? i’m not asexual cuz i’ve got really attracted to that guy who broke me i js find it hard to feel ig 😕 forgot to mention i got attracted to that guy who broke me very easy, like already in the beginning but i’ve not felt like that with anyone else…maybe it’s js not the right time for my heart rn to let someone in.

hey, i’ve dated this guy for a short time and we’ve only met three times but i’ve started to notice that i don’t really have that much interest in him anymore, or maybe nothing at all…how could i possibly say that in the best way possible? i don’t want to come off rude or anything and i want to say it in a way i don’t hurt or disappoint him more than i will. this worries me of how im gonna approach so if anybody has any tips pls give me sum advice hehe

I wrote a post about the misconception that somatic experiencing mostly consists of doing somatic exercises in order to help us process trauma. I touched on the importance of co-regulation as well, and how it can be incorporated into our daily lives to help us regulate and nurture safety, the benefits of its awareness, the science behind it, and how a practitioner brings it into sessions.

Here is the link: https://www.embodiedyou.com/blog/somatic-experiencing-somatic-exercises

I'm curious - what are your preferred ways to co-regulate?

Is it fear of failure, learned helplessness, or self sabotage if I am afraid of even trying because I know someone like me will never succeed? If I’m gonna fail anyway, why try? What’s the point? I want to understand why someone would think like this and how to fix it

I am hoping that my story will start a dialogue or to get feedback from somebody to help me process as well as shed light on what I believe about the power of the brain, mind, will to survive and specifically flight mode. This would be the perfect AMA.

At 41 years old, my mind was fueled by a question from my mom about if I had a specific memory from my childhood. This, coupled with anger at my father for a cocaine relapse triggered an onslaught of memories being recalled. I was broken in a spiral that I came out of after three weeks of processing 2-3 days straight at a time without sleep or eating. My life fell apart rapidly, but at the same time improved exponentially.

Both parents 60 years old. I am the oldest, a boy with two sisters. my sister is five years younger than me while my youngest sister is 17 years younger. Parents divorced when I was 19. My story involves three male predators. My father, my uncle by marriage and my grandpa. The patriarch on my mothers side who is 93 currently. My ex uncle died two years ago and the last time I spoke to my dad was six months ago. I have three cousins each of us within a year of each other. The oldest a girl with the two boys in the middle and the youngest a girl. Two sisters traumatized by my father as well. Six children total. The two female cousins were affected by my father and my uncle. Cousin, like a brother was affected with me the two uncles and my grandpa. The men also knew about each other.

One specific incidents was walked into by my mom and turned into a house being purchased by my grandpa as a payoff to my mom who was negatively influenced by her five sisters to just keep it a secret, only blinded by my grandpa and move on as my grandmother was in the midst of a nervous breakdown spending two weeks in the hospital, and the behavior was allowed to continue for one of the men and three of the children. My father, myself and my two sisters. My grandpa stopped and my Aunt divorced my uncle. In the span of a year from ages 4-5 my parents separated, but my dad was still allowed to have alone time with me. My mom became pregnant with my little sister and at five years old. The house was back together.. .

During a 3 week spin I validated dates through background checks and conversations with a few family members, even gaslighters tell you something if you ask the same question differently to each person. In the blink of an eye, I was a victim of complex childhood trauma, and suffering from CPTSD. My wheels came to a halt. One thing I’ve never experienced before was mania and this was it full force. Due to the volume of information I had to come to terms with. I handled it well looking back.

I disassociated at 1 1/2 years old and I was disassociated the major majority of time through 10 years old. In fact, the first time I disassociated was my first memory, according to my recall and my first real waking memory was turning down a sexual advance by an older child that I learned to accept over the years. Pretty much zero memories but enough stories from my family growing up that served as memories. I’m also gifted and diagnosed AuDHD, high functioning but questioning everything currently. The word trigger is now part of my vocabulary, no interest in guns. The triggers become less as time goes by but still too many to name. They range from alcohol aisles, drugs, words of affirmation, my mouth on the inside to name a short few.

Never ever have I considered anything in my life as trauma, seriously never even heard that word until everyone started talking about PTSD. But after going down a rabbit hole of research to save whats left of my mental health I think maybe my life has fucking sucked more times than most in a teal bad say.

For me it started when I filed for custody of my daughter to find out 18 months into the custody battle that I was not her father. That sucked so bad I sold everything I owned, packed up my truck, grabbed my dog and drove 2,500 miles away to start life over. Then in the mist of healing from that lose everything again thanks to a meth addict living in my house for 6 months. Car was stolen and wrecked and I literally walked home to find everything gone from my house all the way down to the appliances and over 100k emptied out of my bank account.

Thats a start of dominos falling, I can go on but really dont want to at this moment

Let’s start from the beginning as a kid I was hyper seual I know I was in elementary an around when this started I learned about the birds an bees from a friend an this later turned on a prn addiction around 5th grade but maybe a year prior I don’t know how it started but I 8f an my sister 10f started doing things together to wrap this up I knew that sx was for an adults an that’s about it I knew lightly what r** was but not to the extent where I know today. It usually started with me engaging when we were playing with dolls I’ll spare you part of i think I started it an some of the time I talked her into it stoped shortly after we don’t speak of it at all an I have guilt that shows up now qn then but during 5th grade I started talking to strangers on the internet sadly this was a terrible choice an I talked to people that I now realize were adults (peddofiles) one of the first ones I talked with convinced me after a while to send photos an I did this it became a cycle I think part of it was the attention an the fact I had someone to talk to because I was lonely an my siblings felt they were to old to spend time with me but maybe a year or so in I was talking to one an it started the same an after I wanted to stop sending pictures he threatened to tell my family I was scared an I deleted the whole app an everything about it.this whole situation along with some other background on my earlier childhood has caused me sort of a trauma not like ones that some people have gone through that are really bad but this is something that’s effected my life an put me through a lot most of it has to do with my parents yelling an hitting us not the kind that’s child abuse but when. We fucked up An did stupid shit there was the wooden spoon that they’d hit us with this kind of distorted my veiw on is violence ok an how to control my anger but I was a kid that had a lot of out bursts an I think that it stemmed from my view on violence

So a few questions after I told you my story Should I still feel that Guilty for it I realize I changed a ton an that we were both kids I want to know if I should hold onto it because of what I did. Another is should I bring it up to her should I bring back the past an apologize Because I don’t want to break open an old wound

hey everyone. js moved out for like 4 and a half months ago and i haven’t really gotten used to it yet. i often go to my moms house for a sleepover since she lives very close to me and i want it to stop cuz i want to start to enjoy my own company and be okay with that. i often feel very isolated and lonely when i don’t have anybody around me and that’s when the anxiety comes up. sometimes i don’t even know why i start to get anxious. ig this feeling of feeling lonely will pass during time but it’s hard atm. i js feel so lonely, im not lonely in general but my mind thinks i am. i js wanted to vent a bit

Last year, my friend approached me during a very very difficult situation and offered me help, and being desperate, I took it.

But I didn’t rely on them completely, and there was so much shit going on in my personal life such as my sister’s abuse and the lost of my longest relationship.

We’ve kinda talked about it, I wrote them a letter, and we got in a call when they read it and they apologized to me surprisingly and made it clear to me that we’re still friends after everything.

We were in a call yesterday, and I really wanted to talk to them about it, but I couldn’t, and I even froze when they said they were glad I’m still here and that we’re friends.

I did almost everything I could to make up for what I did last year, it was a really, really bad thing I did, and I put them in a horrible situation, and the guilt has eased, and yet I still find I can’t talk about it because I just want to put it behind me since I’ve long accepted I will never receive a proper apology from the people who’ve hurt me and I don’t wanna move forward based on that.

But I need to think about the future for once, with everything going on, and I feel I need to talk to them.

My therapy appointment isn’t anytime soon, so I can’t talk about it with my therapist (alongside the fact it would only be our 2nd session)

I should trust them. I know that. And I should cherish them, I think I do.

But I don’t really know how to open up about it all without crying about it because I’m still not over some of the things that happened and I’m being confronted with my guilt and trauma over being horrifically sick and how I should have just never done any of this.

I need to talk to someone who actually knows what I’m talking about, and they’re the only one who would understand just how bad it was.

I guess I’m writing this to ask, how do you go about approaching a hard topic? That YOU need to bring up?

Need someone to listen without judgment or advice? l'm here to help. You can talk to me about anything on your mind, whether it's relationships, work, hobbies, dreams, struggles, or successes. Don't suffer alone reach out today. Looking forward to hearing from you Soon.

Comment on this if you are unable to DM.

I was broken up with a few months ago and it's led me down a sort of rabbit hole of realizations. My last partner never actually like me, he just saw that someone else was going to ask me out and got envious thinking of them dating me and asked me out. I said yes and we started dating. In our relationship it was pretty obvious they didn't love me and actually didn't even like me that much.

My ex boyfreind before that one was pretty similar and the girlfreind before that ex also didn't like me nor love me. I've found myself only becoming the boyfreind of people who ask me out that don't like me. I get asked out or have people who are clearly into me try and get closer to me and I turn them away. It's like I can't love someone who likes me.

I have a few theories on why this might be the case. I hate myself and so its harder to like people who like me. My mom and dad both hate me so maybe Freud was right and I'm only interested in someone like my mom who hates me. My first crush and childhood freind was extremely cruel and abusive to me basically being my bulky calling me names and beating on me while I still loved him deeply, so maybe I'm trying to relive that toxic firat love.

Whatever the reason is, it's not working for me clearly. I mean how can I have a healthy relationship with someone who doesn't like me? The answer is I can't. So I need to find a way to dispell these thoughts of disinterest or "the ick" as modern girls say when someone shows they actually like me. It's hard to find a way to comfort myself when in thinking how unattractive someone is just because they actually show an interest in me. If anyone else has experienced something similar or has tips for this please tell me. I'm lost on how I should approach future relationships.

I should mention I know I don't need love for others to be full and happy. I'm finding happiness by myself and living life but I do hope to enter a fulfilling and healthy romantic relationship one day and if I keep going for people that don't like me then I don't ever have a chance.

The Truth is too sensitive to be spoken directly. A layer of abstraction is necessary; it must be fictionalized.

A further layer of abstraction: this fictionalized Truth must be related to real world events to obscure its personal nature

A further layer of abstraction: these real world events must also be fictionalized so as not to slander or misinform

A further layer of abstraction: combine the involved parties into composite characters to hide the Truth behind ambiguity

A further layer of abstraction: encrypt the Truth in dense and obscure references to your personal interests, such that only someone with your exact frame of reference has the key to unlock any potential Truth

i hardly get horny since i had my heartbreak over this guy. i compare other to him (both looks and personality)…i hope this is js a phase

he’s been a douchebag back in the days, we lost contact for a couple of years and then he decided to come back. i decided to give him a chance bcs people can change to the better. we’ve been hanging out for three days and today when we hanged we had a weird vibe, it didn’t felt as genuine and comfortable as before and then he sent me a snap when he looked so serious and mad. we’ve been talking yesterday and everything and he just switches moods. idk he just still feels like a dick, maybe not as big as before but still….ugh he gets on my nerves. i want to give him some more chances but idk tbh. i feel confused abt what i decision i should make

I’m rereading some old journal entries from my abusive past. My parents were physically and emotionally abusive. However now that I’m reading them I’ve been getting some memories back of a few other things.

• Attempting to make out with me as a child
• rubbing genitals under running water to clean up after I was done with my business
  • I was a kid and they stopped after I was around grade school
  • I’ve heard this is a cultural thing though and it makes sense but I’m still not sure
• Lying on my bed and also not looking at my eyes (slightly lower….) (after puberty)
  • Full on like mermaid style lying down ☠️
• Calling my feet pretty
• Calling me sexy
• Sometimes just staring at me until I noticed them and gave them a reaction
  • this one bothered me the most; I absolutely despised the way they looked at me

Is this sexual abuse?? Have my parents completed the trilogy of abusive styles ☠️

Today I became a CPSP/CPRC and gave a small speech to my class. We all have a story and we all are able to live the life we have always imagined. You are not alone 💚 LOVE

—

My childhood was quite the ride, at times I feel it would’ve been better if my dad had really made me die. He sure knew how to make his son cry. Abuse to abuse, I was told by the ones I loved, ‘Boy, you’re making excuse after excuse.’ These things don’t happen to boys like you. Was the Spider-Man shirt I wore too inviting? Did I do this to myself because I refused my dad’s call to learn how to fight? I had no idea what I had experienced, so I put my heart up on the shelf. My pride was broken, my past is full of pain. I used to think my life was a spilled mess, but now I know it’s just a stain. Growing up, I just knew I wanted to help others. The sad part about this is I’m here with you and I can’t even help my own brother. If that was bad, wait until we talk about my mother. That lady’s crazy… But that lady took me back in when she got out of prison and she loved me and showed me what it meant to be a man and how to treat a lady. If I’m being real? That woman made me. Looking back, I always find myself in disbelief… I couldn’t believe that my parents were growing up themselves right beside me… Life is different now, I’m in a different town and surround myself with a different crowd. People, places, things, substance abuse led to me throwing away all of my childhood dreams. But one remains… How can I help others not become the same? How can I guide another to never feel that pain?

I met my wife in the most beautiful of ways. A typical dating app and a girl over a thousand miles away made my days. I drove… weekend after weekend… “Yes, mom I’m just down the street” as I’m sitting in a Chicago Cubs seat. My grandma was on her deathbed and we were bouncing around taking care of her, when I got the call that the time was near. I was there… then I was told she would make it; so I did too, back to Illinois and back to see the one girl who saw ME. She didn’t understand what I had to gain but she saw through my soul and knew I was in pain. I disclosed my substance abuse from the start, maybe the bad boy persona came across kind of attractive. But slowly and surely, our love grew and grew, and then she packed up and started her life anew. Together, we went on a limb and eloped. Man, I wish you could see this love story from my perspective. She saved me, but not because she stayed through hardships, but because she gave me my baby. We call her Sage’y.

My story is weird and I don’t even know what led me here. Something bigger than me, but I’m done questioning the things that I can’t see. Faith is exactly that, and I will not falter because now, the roles are reversed. My childhood was a wreck, but that doesn’t mean Sage can’t be the best. She plays games with mom and dad, even when dad is mad or sad. Family is the ultimate medicine. And looking back, I wonder if my father’s most severe withdrawal was the day he lost his son due to what he was doing… and no… I don’t mean the abuse that you see, I’m talking about the underlying disease that had control of his soul. How ignorant I was? I always thought him dying would be the end of that childhood rage. But now, as I sit here, one day away from my daughter’s first birthday… I just wish he could meet Sage. I forgive you, dad. I forgive you, mom. I love you both.

I will end with my favorite line of all time…

The things I went through were to make myself. I gotta admit, I need some help. Sometimes I still think about the drugs and feel like I can’t even save myself. I wish I could take myself and break myself, just so I could reshape myself… I would say nobody has felt the pain I’ve felt, but here we are, sharing, letting it out to the whole world. We aren’t embarrassed. You may be sitting in your seat wondering, ‘Is this guy a liar?’ Let me tell you the truth… I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor. 💚

sometimes i randomly remember the things my ex did to me and put me through whenever talking about him to someone and its almost like reliving the situation and i told this to one of my close friends and she told me it was trauma blocking? i just don't want to put a label on whatever this is until i sorta know for sure.

Where to begin.

Given everything I've seen on reddit, I don't believe I've had an overly tough life. But boy does it feel like it sometimes. 

My Family Picture: I'm a 25M with three younger brothers, Dad 45M, Mum 45F, Step-Dad 44M. The youngest two brothers are from my Mum's current marriage. 

I’m not sure whether it's trauma or my lack of brain capacity, but I don't have many memories of my childhood... I’m not sure whether I blocked them out or I can't remember - can a therapist can explain this?

From the age of 5 my parents have been divorced. My mum has since re-married to my step-dad or as I call him the Devil Incarnate. This man has been in my life for longer than I can remember and I can honestly say I hate him, pure visceral hate.

He is a literal man child. My first memory of him was being sat in his gaming room, just watching as a kid and trying to give my opinion or helping him win. Next thing you know he's swearing and shouting at me, telling me to get out of the room. 

The memories of him progress from there. I remember we moved to his city and his house. Which means he had his friends there, this would result in drunken nights where he would cause arguments with my mum. To the point where he was kicking doors down, making the whole house shake and screaming the place down for no reason at all, other than he was drunk. Again this progressed to the point where he would physically hit my mum, but nothing changes after this. 

At some point my dad caught wind of what was happening in that house and as you can imagine he was not very happy. We came back to my dad's house one day during the summer holidays, to which him and my mum started arguing and it got heated to the point where my dad ended up with a coffee table over his head and throwing it across the room. This is anger, I have never seen from him before or since.

Things did get better for a little bit, when my mum moved back to our home city where she had her own house and the step-dad only came to visit to see his son. However this was shorted lived, as he soon wormed his way back into our lives. Eventually living with us again, and as you can imagine some people never change. More of the same drinking and arguing ensued for years and years.

Oddly enough I distinctly remember a lot of arguing happening on a Thursday evening. My younger brother had already had enough and left our house to live with our dad, as he hated my step-dad and resented my mum for staying with him. 

To this day I am used a communication tool between that brother and my mum, as they rarely speak so I have to try bring them together or even get them to talk. Often times I would have to comfort my youngest brothers who would be balling their eyes out in their room. 

Again arguments became physical, loud and aggressive. A lot of the times things in the house were broken from the arguments and at times my mum would have black eyes. To the point where sometimes, I would message the neighbour to call the police (not that they did). This is where I realised, there are not many people out there that will help you.

Besides, countless other things he's done when drunk, one including walking into the hall where are shoes are kept thinking it's the bathroom and pissing over all our school shoes... The day before school, with my mum having to clean up his mess.

When I was around 10 it was just me and my mum in the house. My dad and brother were at their house, which was a 5 mins walk away. I heard a glass smash downstairs and I come down to see that my mum is cutting her arm with a broken glass. I couldn't get her to stop. 

So, I had to phone my dad to help but maybe I didn't explain the urgency as my dad seemed to be taking a while to get there. So, I had to get on my bike and pedal as fast as I could to get to my dad, I met him half way and told him she was bleeding, to which he started running. He couldn't get her to stop cutting, in the end he had to threaten to calling the police before she would stop. 

Fast forward a few years, the normal cycle of arguing and drinking has continued. When I was 14 we had a street party. This included all 4 younger brothers, my mum, step-dad & his sister with her two kids. As you can imagine there was plenty of drinking going on. Again my step-dad went too far, to the point at which he was outside the house trying to dance with other women. 

My mum managed to get him in the house and us kids were now in our rooms. He was arguing and wanting to continue the party and to keep drinking, he came upstairs and threw up in the hallway, went to their bedroom and came back out the room accusing other people for throwing up, blaming everyone else in the house. Again screaming, shouting & kicking doors around the house, at this point his sister was so scared she took her kids and left. 

After which he proceeded to punch holes in the walls and TV. He then went downstairs continuing to argue, then falling into self pity ending up picking up a knife in the kitchen threatening to cut him himself (police now phoned) he continued to bellow and cry saying his kids don't love him. He did end up cutting into himself, making his arm bleed deep enough that both the police and ambulance were needed at the house to take him away. Still, my mum let him back in the house the next day, as she took care of his arm.

The cycle continues.

I think this is it for now, my younger years were the peak of the mountain for me, but that doesn’t mean this has stopped. He is still here, he may be older but his narcissitic behaviour is still plaguing our lives, as for my mum she doesn’t get any better. 

Typing has been a form of therapy for me, maybe I’ll share more in the future. 

Thank you to those to took the time to read it. If you have unfortunately related to this or are going through the same thing, I hope you have a good support network around you and you are taking the time to heal.