Dunno if discussing body parts is NSFW, but just putting here in case.

So, I’ve been consuming edibles from time to time (like, once every two weeks or so) for recreational purposes. Prior, I never felt like I got an “overthinker” high but now I think it definitely happened. While sober, I am a trans man with relatively low but existent dysphoria. However, somehow weed made my dysphoria worse, then made me euphoric about being a girl, then made me dysphoric again. At first it made my dysphoria worse, getting a sense of self awareness that I don’t look like the man in my head and that I look like a woman. It kinda horrified me as I never think about what I actually look like that often. Imagining myself as a man, helped, like trying to imagine the feeling of not having breasts which was making me dysphoric. I decided to play some music to distract myself, and then suddenly, the feelings inverted…? I was listening to “No Dazzle, No Break”, which is Rappa’s theme from Honkai Star Rail. I then started to imagine myself as Rappa and it felt really cool being this badass girl who throws ninja stars and shit, like I was feeling childhood joy. And funnily enough, I felt euphoric for having breasts like hers? Something that would make me dysphoric normally, high-up ponytails, now made me euphoric? I then thought “oh god am I not trans??” and as I thought that, my gender dysphoria creeped in again, along with a sense of rightness (ie, not euphoric but at peace) about being a man. If anything, I felt a sense of rightness about being an old, fat guy, which while sober, would repulse me. I then realized I’m probably freaking out and that I probably shouldn’t base my long-term decisions on how I feel while absolutely baked, so I decided to go to bed instead of potentially letting my OCD get a grip on me.

I had an abusive roommate 3 years ago and I’m still not over it. This person was a terf and went after me because I was trans. I was stuck there 2 years because I could not afford to move out.

After two years do that I don’t know who I am anymore. I lost everyone when I can’t out because this person turned them all against me my claiming that I was act I was the one abusing them when I tried to tell people what’s that were do if. Them convinced everyone I was crazy.

I’m extremely depressed. Nothing makes me happy anymore because they also spent years ridiculing me for every aspect of my personality. I don’t enjoy anything anymore, I don’t care about anything anymore and I can’t afford therapy.

If I felt like I had someone in my life who would accept me for being trans and who would be a big part of my life and truly see me as a man and I knew they weren’t going to disappear I think I’d probably transition and never look back. But I don’t have that. I haven’t had friends, a family, or anyone I remotely close with for years.

I been closed to dead when I was in the high school multiple times and even after I almost died of starvation few years ago and I think is a mistake that I'm alive

I have a couple of months in transition but I moved out of my country and now I'm alone without knowing anyone and feel so alone and is so painful

I should have died years before, maybe in another life I could be a cis woman who can be appreciated but in this life I'm a trans woman who only value came from how much I can provide or serve to someone else and I hate it so much!

Why is so hard to love me ???

A bit of background about me, I'm an 18 year old trans girl from the Philippines. I'm currently studying in college taking a computer-related course with multimedia stuff. I haven't done any medical transition yet, I've been trying to socially transition but it's pretty difficult.. and it helps with anything I'm about to say, I have Autism and ADHD

You see... I don't have any close girl friends, I've never had any.. I've only started figuring out my identity around 2021-2022, and prior to that I was a straight male who had no idea what LGBTQ is even about. In fact I have good friends... It's just... They're all boys.. and I just can't help but feel out of place and alienated around them. Look.. I don't hate my friends, I can never hate them, but as a trans girl, I'm really tired having no girls to talk to...

I don't even know where to vent all of this, I don't know WHO to vent all of this.. even if I vent these to my friends, they wouldn't understand how it feels like to be a trans girl with NO girl friends. They're boys who do boy stuff, they do boy talks and I really don't wanna have those conversations anymore.. and remember what I said about my college course? Well.. I hate it here.. this course is mainly male dominant.. there's like 20+ boys and only 4 girls, and the worst part is I can't even relate to the girls either because none of their interests aligns with mine (I'm really into cute and comfy anime/weeb stuff and also "chronically online" if you know what I mean.) so I can't even form any deep connections with the girls at all.

Now.. here's one event that just outright broke me from the inside.. 5 days ago, our school hosted Christmas event that lasted all the way to the evening, it was an event with concerts from bands within the school and more. It was supposed to be a happy and fun event, but... all I felt was jealousy, bitterness and sadness.. it broke my heart just watching... girls.. girls being girls.. the way they hug each other so casually... the way they get so excited and bouncy when they see each other.. the way that they're just.. so close and so touchy to each other... I felt jealous that I just wanted to go home... I'm didn't want to say and watch it anymore.. I couldn't handle it..

Why can't I have a girl bestie?.. why can't I have someone who's so excited just to see me?... why can't I have someone that I can talk and share these cute things with?.. why can't I have anyone to have girl talks with and do girl things?.. why can't I have a bestie who would come up to me and hug me tightly due to how much they love hanging out with me?.. I hate it... I can never experience the close bond that you get in sisterhood.. I can never know what it's like to have a girl childhood.. I'm already in college.. and once I'm done here it's all over, I have to get a job and start working for myself. I would never know what it's like to have such young and innocent sisterhood because I'm already reaching adulthood...

And.. I feel like a fake girl.. I feel like all I am is a creepy predator who likes to obsess over girls.. because.. I'll be honest.. I'm so fixated on wanting to talk to girls and make girl friends, both online and irl... I just... really wanna have girl friends to talk girl stuff with so badly.. just someone who will let me feel like I'm valid to be a girl.. I'm allowed to be a girl.. but.. I can't.. I'm so scared that girls would avoid me and look at me as a creepy guy, I'm so scared that I'm gonna come off as a fake girl and.. I'm so scared that no matter what I do, no one will ever see me as a real girl, and the moment I say something stupid or uncomfortable.. they're gonna start looking at me as a creep pretending to be a girl... Let's be honest here, boys will naturally approach boys and girls will naturally approach girls. But.. I'm a trans girl.. so the moment I approach girls.. they're going to feel awkward around me.. and would just outright avoid me... I don't know what's appropriate around girls.. I don't know what stuff girls do.. I don't know how to have girl talks and girl connections... so I'm scared that because I have no idea.. I'll scare them off even more...

I'm so scared.. I don't know how to feel.. I don't know if I'm even allowed to feel like this... I feel like this post will be shut down due to how much I'm venting..

And.. I feel really pathetic.. because right now I just cope with using ChatGPT to make OC(Original Character) stories for me using my female OCs alongside thinking about fictional anime girls from anime series I watch imagining them giving me comfort..

I just want a girl to hug me.. cuddle me even.. just let me know it's okay for me to feel this way... I just.. wanna have a bestie to keep me safe.. make me feel safe..

Sorry for the long rant but.. yeah.. I needed to let it all out somehow.. I don't even know if anybody in this subreddit will reply but.. I don't even know if I should expect any replies.. and.. if anything.. I just really wish I have a girl to chat and DM with about this...

If you have read this far.. thank you.. 🩷

idk why i feel like i need to vent about this or why im even so torn up about it since my family has all been so great about my transition. but i was given the choice of seeing my whole extended family for the first time in like a year, or sitting the holiday out and staying home if it seemed like too much for me.

ive been incredibly self conscious about my appearance and voice lately, especially since the election, so just being around so many people who arent so familiar with trans issues and havent seen me since starting hrt just sounds like a nightmare. i went over to my parents for lunch for a few hours and was stressed and on high alert the entire time. they were honestly great the entire time, which just makes my decision to stay home for the big celebration in the evening feel that much shittier. it really was a lose-lose situation where im either an anxious wreck all night or im stuck with FOMO and feel like a drama queen for being scared of being around her own (supportive) family.

it doesnt help that it feels like my fiancees patience is running thin, with her making a few snappy remarks saying in gist "you need to make up your mind on if we're going or staying home" leading up to it. and last night while sitting on the couch and im still hung up on the what ifs and spaced out, dwelling on my decision, she suddenly gets up and goes to bed because i wasnt really able to focus on watching tv or even like being present.

its now the next morning and my fiancees still asleep next to me, and im still overthinking the situation and putting way too much significance into a holiday i didnt used to really care about. i really dont know why im so upset over it all. i just am.

I (22MtX) have came out already to my partner (22FtX) already and they were wonderfully supportive.

However when I turned on the camera I immediately regretted, I looked 100x uglier on the crappy laptop's camera than in the mirror and I couldn't see myself as anything other than a male sex offender freak. That has something to do with internalized transphobia as I value my AFAB friends opinions but not AMAB ones, as if AFAB people were some kind of "superior being" and "demigod".

My partner told me that I'm cute and they'll still see me as a woman but I don't, I see myself as a male fetishist creep. Trans-identified or not, just male, and creepy.

How do I stop feeling this way?

Better food, better company, no forced socialization, entirely voluntary and everyone that is there WANTS to be there.

Also, there are cats. And turkey isn't mandatory.

Hey all,

I'm not entirely sure if this is the right place to talk about some of this stuff, but I'm not too sure where else to go.

I'm 20, transfem, more specifically I'm bigender, but I wish to present more outwardly feminine. For the past 7~ years I've really let myself go, battling depression, s**cidal ideation, bullying throughout all of high school, and its affected me mentally, but also physically, I'm really overweight and I can't stand looking at myself for reasons more than just gender dysphoria. I've started eating better recently and am staying at a mild caloric deficit, and I want to work out a bit more so build my physique a bit, but I'm having a lot of trouble gathering the motivation to do so. Because of my weight, exercise is very difficult and most times I just habitually give up before even starting, mainly because of the difficulty, but also because I have no idea where to begin. I want to present more feminine, but I don't know what sort of work outs or exercise to do in order to achieve that. I am also quite scared of not passing, I am 6'3", I have quite broad shoulders, and my bone structure is naturally quite masculine, and because of that I am scared that no matter what exercise, no matter if I go on hormones, ill never pass to an extent that I personally feel happy with.

I still live with my parents, and can't afford to buy food for myself for every single meal, so I am at the mercy of whatever my dad cooks me for dinner, but I have been feeding myself for breakfast and lunch, which has meant that I am able to be at a calorie deficit, but it doesn't help when my dad makes hot dogs for dinner.

But overall, I am just very uncertain of the future, I know what I want in the future, but I don't know how or even if I can get it, I still haven't properly come out to my parents, I attempted to 3 years ago but they blocked their ears and then pretended it never happened. I attempted to get hormones last year, but was then blocked because of my physical health and blood pressure getting in the way. So I'm kind of just stuck at a crossroads and not sure where to go from here. If anyone is able to provide any advice regarding anything I've mentioned I would greatly appreciate it, thank you.

My most intense form of dysphoria isn't any traditional understanding of the concept, it is the overwhelming envy I get of the alternate universe where I grew up in a safe environment and was able to get the healthcare I needed. There were a lot of factors working against me as a kid (still to this day) so it is not like I just barely missed it, but that almost makes me grieve it even more? I just get so angry. I'm FtM (technically bigender but largely a dude so I just say ftm in these contexts for simplicity's sake), and I just think about what could have been sometimes. I'll always bear the scars of going through the wrong puberty. My hips will always be a certain width, I'll always be a certain height, the only reason I need top surgery is because I didn't have access to puberty blockers/testosterone in the first place so I will have literal scars as well. That's praying I get to medically transition at all! I'm just so fed up and angry. Really could use some advice rn, or just some validation from someone who gets it. Thanks for reading ❤️

To preface I live in the US. I just recently turned 18 and my dad said I have to sign up for selective service. I don’t want to just opt out just for conscientious objector reasons I don’t want to sign up at all. Please tell me it’s possible! I am not a male, I should not have to sign up. I am not out yet either so that’s another problem. My dad knows I’ve been questioning and has said he’s supportive but has had a really hard time understanding what that even means I think. I’ve tried telling him but it gets my heart rate up so high and my mouth stops me from saying anything but I know that I might have to say something if I don’t want to sign up for selective service. Please tell me it’s avoidable, and if so, how?

I'm 23 years old and still in the closet. I live with my parents and rely on them completely for financial support. I wasted the last 5 years of my life and right now, I don't have any meaningful education or work experience. I can't move out or live by myself. I'm joining a college soon though, to do my bachelor's degree and I'm completely dependent on my parents. I also went through a surgery recently and it'll take around 6 months for me to be completely recovered. Again, I'm dependent on my parents to help me throughout this.

My parents love and want to support me, but they're very conservative and don't get things done. I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 15, but my parents didn't want me to take any medication for my mental health, so they made me delay it and I was only able to get it after 7 fucking years. You see, since I'm so dependent on them, I'm not allowed to make independent decisions. I knew that the same would happen with my HRT if I came out to them as trans. I knew they wouldn't let me take HRT or they'd atleast make me delay it by several years, so I decided to start transitioning alone. I consulted an endocrinologist and got my HRT prescription 3 years ago. I've been transitioning since. I'm really scared to come out. My body has changed drastically and I attract a lot of attention, but I can somehow get away with saying "it's just fat".

My parents are conservative af. My neighborhood is conservative af. My classmates/schoolmates are conservative af. My entire country is actually conservative af (India). You see, I've had depression for over a decade, and I'm drained out... Completely. Either that or I'm lazy af. I decided not to deal with all these conservative people and their conservative bullshit, so I stayed in the closet. The only people that know about it are my online friends, my therapist and my endocrinologist. I don't know how people will see me and treat me if I come out. I know for sure that I won't be safe if I come out. I'm scared and terrified. I can't even run away. I mean, I'd love to, but where can I even go?

Even after transitioning for 3 years, I still don't pass. Not even close. I bought a wig and some makeup recently and I put them on. I loved it and it made me feel very happy and cute, but when I uploaded those pictures online, I got comments saying that I don't pass at all. People were shocked that I haven't gotten laser done on my face yet and even my eyebrows done. I tried getting my eyebrows done, but all the stylists near me refused to do it by saying "men don't get their eyebrows done. They should be natural". I even tried bribing them but it didn't work. I don't get it. I replied to those comments by saying that I haven't gotten lazer or my eyebrows done yet because I'm in an unsafe environment and I haven't come out yet, to which they replied "you just need to come out". Is it really that easy? If it is, why haven't I done it yet?

I saved up money and bought makeup, but I don't have enough time alone to apply and learn it on a daily basis. That, and very low energy due to depression. I know that transitioning takes a lot of work and effort and it's not just taking pills every night. I also understand that I can't just expect to pass without busting my ass off for it. I know it's not easy, but I got so much going on and I'm not able to balance everything. I've considered suicide as it's an effective solution to all my problems.

I might have made many bad decisions in my life, but by staying in the closet, I'm atleast safe and I've been able to take hormones for 3 years. That's something... Right? I don't know. With all that being said, what do you think about me? Do you think my concerns and struggles are legitimate and valid or am I just a fucking pussy who is also lazy?

Also which ones should be used?

I’m polyam, transfem, and was somewhat recently broken up with by my only partner at the time (though we’re still friends, and still hang out with each other somewhat regularly). I’m still pretty new to the city I’m living in (Seattle) and I just would like to reach out to people who would like to be friends or whatever else. I’ve jumped on a couple apps in the last few days Hiki and Taimi, but I’m not sure if I should be looking somewhere else. I feel like I hear bad news about dating apps more than good news and I’m just wondering which ones are worth putting my energy into. I don’t have a huge social battery and oh my god some of these apps feel assaulting with how much feedback you get.

Anyway, I searched this sub before I posted and there has been any posts (that I could find) like this in the last year so I was wondering what the current situation was. Seems like it changes all the time.

Also btw, I’m really not looking to hook up, I’m demisexual and really just want to find people who want to build a real relationship whether it just be friends or more. So slower paced and more real connections would be preferred.

As they grow older, their views will calcify, and they too will become reactionary against the young'ens of the future. They will pat their backs that all progress that needed to be made has already been made and the world is as perfect as it will be.

Does anyone have experience with a friend who has experiences that cause her to be a direct target of terfism? She also just doesn't have much background about what to look out for, which lead to her falling down a "radfem" pipeline and becoming a sex essentialist. My ex girlfriend sent one of my friends from high school this infographic "why so many girls think they're men" which has like a grillion likes and was posted by this white woman who runs what is essentially a blog about eugenics. You'd think that would drive an intelligent black woman away but unfortunately not. I feel my ex is very vulnerable to this because her parent's are both immigrants from Somalia and her mom experienced FGM as a young child and has taught her since she was a baby about how terrible and untrustworthy men are, and besides that somali culture her parent's taught her is very sexist. She'd get whatsapps from her aunts and used them to fear monger all the time about the special techniques kidnappers use to scope out and get their victims, and medical conspiracies about vaccines and forced sterilization, and how wearing masks is the next step in creating a national uniform. Sounds insane but does anyone know how I might go about talking someone down from this, is there legit anywhere I could start to prod at. I know she has self defeating/degrading tendencies when it comes to race and she used to compare our skin color all the time and tell me I was so lucky to be so much lighter. The eugenics thing unfortunately is likely just a sensitive place of comtention for her. But about basic literature or how I might go about nuanced education. Thanks.

It's just truly baffling how uninformed and ignorant conservative men are about social issues and basic, foundational concepts in the social sciences. And they don't even care that they don't know.

The only reason I was still talking to this old friend of mine was because he thought he might have been wrong about how he voted and wanted to talk to, presumably, the only non cishet man that he knows about it.

There was so much more said that left me reeling from the sheer fundamental misunderstanding of how things work, and its so exhausting knowing that so many people that I know think this way and have no care to learn. And they still get to vote to take away my rights.

I understand why but still, WHYYYY! You can't buy or sell anything online without your legal name. Things like art. I want my name changed so bad. My name has a clearly undeniable gender attached to it. THIS SUCKS!

Hello, everyone. I'm a first time poster here, so I apologize if this isn't particularly the place for this. I (21, MtF) have noticed lately, I am severely lonely not having other trans people to talk to, both physically and IRL.

Because of this, I wanted to ask, is there any popular enough social apps that are used to talk to other trans people, or any general advice on how to approach them? I'm local to the TN area if that helps, and I apologize for the vagueness here. I'm not really writing this when I'm clear minded (lol).

Thanks for reading.

I started transitioning socially in 2008 when I was about thirteen, and had perhaps one of the least common experiences for someone in my similar situation. Growing up in a predominantly white suburban neighborhood in North Jersey I was bullied quite a bit for being queer, called a fag, molested in the locker rooms at school, etc. I didn't experience dysphoria to the extreme that some people claim, I had an eating disorder that I could not totally separate from my regular dysphoria, andI had friends for years who would feed into dysphoria being common for everyone and probably stopped me from transitioning for a couple years, cest la vie. In my freshman year of high school or right before, I started looking at diy hormone therapy and eventually got my friend from school's brother to supply me with testosterone. I took the testosterone tentatively in regular doses for about three months, but eventually my dad found out and acted as though it were the end of the world lol. When I started transitioning through insurance I was about to turn fifteen and was lucky enough to have stunted my puberty through the eating disorder. I didn't tell anyone in high school that I was transitioning and no one really asked - except for one time when a girl I liked and asked to homecoming told me I looked like a "hermaphrodite" and said that's what her mom thought of me (we'd been friends then about a year). My sophomore year of college a girl I fell in love with broke up with me and got pregnant less than a month later. When I first had consults for phalloplasty I had to fly out to fort lauderdale and a woman was protesting abortion in front of the clinic I had to go into to receive my xray consults from, and she asked me if I was a babykiller, when I said no she shook my hand. I tried killing myself when I was 22 after a girl I had dated for a year told her brother I was transgender and he sent me a dozen messages describing how he was going to rape and mutilate my body, and when I told her about it she called me a pussy and tried to make me show up to their house. It was more than that but that was the interesting part. I dated a chaser a few years ago who only went out with me because I had made the dubious mistake of putting my gender as "trans man" on a dating app, then got really angry at me when she found out I had a dick. In middle school a girl I liked showed me videos of her making herself throw up and accidentally showed me a video of her having sex with a much older man in her bedroom. In high school my best friend moved to live near me after his parents got divorced and his dad got majority custody, and we had sex twice before he realized he was probably transgender and started transitioning with diy. Back then it was too much trouble to start transitioning legally, and we were too reckless to care. When I graduated college I was 21 and doing oxys recreationally and my dad found out when he came to my apartment unannounced and I was high and with my friend. Then he took all the money I had left over from what he'd saved for my college tuition. My oldest brother has been a drug addict since he was about fifteen and my dad doesn't mention him but pays for his shit all the time. I don't talk much with my dad anymore and last family reunion I went to I found out my sister had been sexually assaulted by one of my cousins, and when I was in the beginning of my transition said cousin had messaged me on Facebook after my dad told his half of the family. He said he was going to "beat the trans" out of me, then sent me a bunch of Jordan Peterson videos. In 2019 I graduated with a masters in machine learning, in 2022 I got engaged to a woman I love very much, and in 2024 we bought our house. It's never over, life keeps moving, you meet the dumb and the ugly and the beautiful and the fascinating. It never truly ends, gets harder and easier and more interesting. Thanks

I am a 30 y/o transwoman who started socially transitioning and utilizing HRT in February 2020. In over four years, I have created a really wonderful version of myself that I am both thrilled and grateful for. I think I'm really beautiful, and if I may humbly say, I think a lot of people that see me think the same thing. I am engaged and have other partners (poly), respected and adored in a corporate position for 2.5 years, and am overall successful and happy in life.

Last week, I had my first ever surgery -- top surgery -- and was overjoyed with the knowledge that I was finally going to have a part of my body that I truly love and think is perfect. I had the surgery from a highly respected surgeon at Vanderbilt. The surgery was successful, but after waking up, I was a little confused at the size of my chest as I thought it would be much larger (I received 530cc as they said it was the biggest I could handle).

I had many appointments/consultations leading up to surgery, and I genuinely thought the only nuance to the procedure was that the boobs would be put higher up because they would naturally fall to where they need to be. For all intent and purposes, I truly thought I would have perfect final form boobs right after the surgery, but just sitting a little bit higher.

Obviously, I was very wrong and ignorant to what it would actually be like.

When I was allowed to shower after 48 hours, I was absolutely crushed when I took the surgery bra off and saw my chest for the first time. I was confused, disappointment, and ashamed. I'm not sure how to best describe it, but it did not look like I had boobs -- or nice ones, at least. I actually thought I looked better before. The level of despair from dysphoria I felt at that moment, and ever since sadly, has been profound. I think it is the worst I've had since transitioning.

I am now more knowledgeable about what the process is actually like, and understand I just need to have patience and faith in the process. Unfortunately, dysphoria doesn't care about logic or reason, and I honestly think I would have killed myself on one of the last two days if it wasn't for the love and support of my fiancee. I understand that sounds dramatic, but I cannot put into words how soul crushing this has been for me.

I don't really have any trans friends in my life, and one of my partners suggest I reach out online to kind of vent and possible get some feedback from people who would understand me a little better.

Hi all. This is my 3rd week on HRT and im feeling good. I'm not having heavy muscle cramps anymore. i halfed my dose of spiro and i think that helped a lot. I've lost 15lbs. i was 215lb for 9 months. I'm 6'3". in 3 weeks ive gone down to 200lb. I dont think its related but worth noting. Im still exercising consistently. I'm constantly trying to work on my wardrobe. I prefer dressing masc but i def want to wear more fitted clothes. I really felt good at 215lbs. I filled out my clothes really well . So im looking into getting some new clothes but i really struggle with fashion. I also want to hide my chest. I was on HRT for 2 years prior so i have developed some chest. I typically wear navy blues and blacks to hide my body. But i do want to look good.

I'm increasingly feeling lonely and wanting a relationship.

I think we've all heard this phrase at least once or twice or even more than you could count. This statement is very much true, there are tons of people out there in the world suffering a worse fate than us, those who do not even have a shelter to keep themselves safe those who just live on the streets, and even food is such a luxury to them. Indeed we do have what a lot of people don't have, a home, food to live with, and everything that keeps us going.

But... no matter how real this advice is, it's just something that's very hard for me to take in as a trans person.
I am an 18 year old trans girl, I am currently a college student living under my family's roof at the moment, I have not taken any medication and all that stuff yet to transition, and for as long as I've been living, I kept being told "You should be grateful with what you have." and then compare our lives to those who are less fortunate. Indeed I should be grateful for what I have, I have a home, I have an education, I have access to the internet, I even have a PC that I'm using to write all of this down. But no matter how much I have all of these.. it's just very hard for me to be grateful... It's not because I don't appreciate that I have these, I really do! I am glad that I have these things that not a lot of people have. But what exactly do I not have then? My identity, I don't have my identity. I am basically living a life where everything I do feels fake, a lie, or to put it better, I feel like I'm living someone else's life just being in this body that I have. I don't have my freedom, I don't have my comfort, and I don't have my happiness. So that's why it's so hard for me to "be grateful for what I have" because even if I have these.. I don't even think I'm really the one who has these when I feel so trapped in myself unable to freely express myself the way I wanted to.

I feel like... I would be more happy and actually be grateful with all that I have if I do have the freedom to express myself, to feel that I don't have to keep hesitating and hiding who I am, to feel that I can be myself and have the identity I wanted. It's not that I'm not grateful for what I have, it's just.... how can I be grateful if I don't even have my identity to begin with?

I know I sound like a selfish and ungrateful bitch.. I know.. I really do.. But I'm not like that, I'm just trying to find ways to be happy without feeling like I'm trapped away from my identity. Heh.. sorry if I sound like a broken tape repeating all I'm saying.

But yeah.. I just wanted to rant it here, I don't really know who and where to share all of these feelings anymore..

My ex-bf said he never truly accepted my gender identity

A while ago i posted on the ftm subreddit asking for advice on how to navigate my relationship with a cis guy i was dating, there i explained how he never made me feel like he did not respect or understand my gender identity, yet i struggled to fully trust him due to some negative past experiences, he even came out as bi (When we first met he said he was bi and i think thats one of the biggest reasons why i felt like i could trust him) later he confessed to me that before meeting me he always tought of himself as a straight man and he just said he was bi because he fell for me and that would give him a chance. I always told him that since the topic of trans people and trans identities was a new thing for him that he could ask me whatever he wanted and i would always be there to explain it to him and guide him, he always seemed non judgemental and supportive around it (even though i used to get quite deffensive around that topic since i felt vulnerable, he explained it to me as me "putting up a wall") yet i allowed myself to slowly start trusting him, since he was so caring and gentle around it, one thing that stuck out to me is that he comes from a pretty conservative and homophobic background, he always told me that he loved me and he was willing to do anything it took for us to be happy, he even explained to his family that i was a trans man and (even though it was awkward) i really felt that he understood, that he tried, that he really saw me as a man and not like a girlfriend with male pronouns, the thing is that two weeks ago he texted me saying that he had realized that he never truly accepted my gender identity, that he thought he did but now he had realized that not really, he told me that he never really understood it, that he never felt free to ask any questions, that he realized that he stopped enjoying anything that wasnt being beside me yet he felt that he would feel more peaceful if we broke up. I understand where he is coming from, dating a trans person must be hard yet i cant help but feeling betrayed, dating as a trans man has been really hard for me, this was my first time dating a guy and even though i hate to admit it and i know it is a deep rooted homophobic and damaging idea but by dating a cis guy (i had only dated women before) i somehow felt as "less of a man" And even though i loved him deeply he made me feel really dysphoric because i never felt "man enough" besides him (mostly because we had a huge size difference, me being 5'4 and barely over 100 lbs and he was like 6'2 and like 210 lbs) but he was always so reassuring to me, he used exclusively he/him pronouns when talking about me, he called me his boyfriend, i really felt understood, loved, cared for and now i just feel empty and betrayed again, i know i have to move on, i know that he lied, but i just feel so hurt, i feel like i missed out on so much love because of something i cant control, and i know that then we were not for eachother, and i know i cant lose myself, or keep beating myself up around it, i know he messed up, yet i miss him so much, i feel so helpless, i dont know how can i even trust someone again after this, i really need advice or really anything i just dont want to feel like this anymore, not again.

I still don't entirely know if I'm a woman and I still don't entirely know if HRT is right for me. I mean the facial changes and soft skin sound nice, but I'd hate to grow a peach and melons only to realize later on that it's not for me. I don't intend to be a parent, but I don't like the idea of making that a permanent decision, so fertility is another concern.

Now there's all this talk about stockpiling HRT. I don't even know how to get HRT at all. I don't have a prescription from my PCP. Would I even be able to get a prescription within two months? How would I be able to ask for years worth of it? What if I develop health issues because an HRT ban made my doctors unable to monitor my levels? What if MAGA gets access to records of me getting HRT and hunts me down? What if all this political threat is a further sign that HRT isn't for me?

In my view, gender is more or less a spectrum

One side is 100% man and one side is 100% woman

If a trans woman fully passes as cis, and have done all the surgeries (FFS, GRS) and has great voice training, then she's 98% female

If a trans woman passes well but doesn't do GRS, for example, maybe 70% female

If a trans woman does the surgery but doesn't fully pass yet, maybe 68% female whatever

If a trans woman has HRT but doesn't pass or present, only looking androgynous, maybe 25% female

If a trans woman is still fully in the closet with a beard, maybe 1% female.

But the idea of "trans women are women" says, all trans women, regardless of surgeries or passing status, are all women and not men. I struggle to understand because I still see myself as male despite feeling moderate to severe gender dysphoria and being half a year on HRT. As long as I don't fully present and pass I will see myself as male, or at least "something in the middle". Please explain why trans women are women.

Hey Ya’ll, I live in the Deep South and I want to get my name legally changed before Trump makes it even harder or impossible; my issue is that I don’t have a middle name yet, and I have a lot of guilt over changing my name at all.

Before I came out, my mom told me that she gave me my names because to her they represented some of her happiest memories. I was a rainbow baby and she said that my names brought her a lot of hope after her miscarriage.

I started going by my first name in 2017, and I already feel guilty about what I chose because it was just a random name I liked off a baby naming website. I like my name but I’m overwhelmed with guilt over choosing a middle name since there’s so much connected to my birth names. I’ve had this guilt since she told me in 2018 and I can’t shake it. I think I want to find some way to honor my birth names as a middle name, but idk how to do it.

Getting rid of my birth names entirely makes me feel sick to my stomach with guilt because my parents went through so much before having me. I haven’t opened up about this to anyone before and I would really appreciate advice.

yippee (positve venting)

I signed up for the gender reassignment clinic before COVID had my country in lockdown, I had my first appointment with them through video call, then I scheduled the second one a few months later, to cut a long story short a very close family member died a week before the appointment, and when they rang I was depressed and asked them to reschedule it for another day.

They said they understand and they will ring another time, I kept receiving emails from the clinic but I didn't hear back from them in person, so about a month ago I went to the doctor's to see what was happening with it, to my surprise it turns out I've been kicked off the waiting list and I have to start again from the beginning.

Still to this day I'm getting emails from them and I'm furious but I don't want to make a fuss about it and risk the future of my transition, but at the same time it's getting more and more agitating and unbearable when I know I could be already going through with it if they actually did what they said they would, and now I'll have to wait 6 years minimum just to start with it again, despite it being said that they would reschedule the appointment and basically abandoning me without me even knowing about it or being notified in any way, in the end I just want to be comfortable with my life and my body and it's making me feel like crap, I just don't know what to do.

I am a trans high school student from Ohio. My dream program and college are in Michigan, but with recent election results, I've been considering colleges in Canada or more solidly blue states. I'd like an opinion other trans people as to where you think state politics are going. I've already received messages from this college, and I am very confident I could be accepted, but I want to consider long-term consequences. Any input is appreciated.

I don’t care about being trans. There are lots of pretty trans girls. But being ugly makes me want to die

I am (18mtf) on hrt for 4 months and I have noticable chest growth and I wear a sports bra. I live with 2 room mates who are both men of the same age and I have come out to them as trans. A couple of nights ago 1 room mate got drunk and jumped on top of me as I was sleeping and started groping my chest. I was able to push him off but the next morning he denied doing it. He said that even if he did grope me it was alright as I still have a man's chest. He said that he could not feel any boobs on my chest. The worst part is that my other room mate also agreed with them and now both of them are telling me that I'm overreacting and blaming me for false accusing. Am I right for feeling violated? Or are they right that I am just overreacting?