no cap this world is full of disgust for us, i face harassment and constant questions about my identity. Online i see nothing but hatred, death threats, and the like

meanwhile personally, gender dysphoria is unbearably fucked, like a constant burning that stops me from doing basic ass shit. i hate being trans and am preparing to end my life.

what reason is there to keep going, any fucking reason, something i havent heard before. i don't think it will convince me, not like y'all are required to since this is just a vent.

i hate myself, why wasn't i born a girl, why do i have to get deadnamed, laughed at, be forced to do shit i hate

fuck i just want to get gendered correctly, and wear fem clothes.

i also feel fat, i want to be thin, and i want fucking boobies, i want to die, i hate this crap.

I thought I would finally be able to leave my parents house but I’m just realizing how expensive the real world is. I am entirely unprepared for independence and it hurts. I want to move out. I want to be with my partner. I want to start transitioning. I feel worthless being unable to do anything about it. I want to hurt myself.

Maxwell doesn’t exist

Maxwell never existed

I can’t change that.

Even if I looked close to how I think I should, I know deep down I’ll never be seen as a man.

I want to be something I’m not.

I’ll have to see a false reflection of myself in the mirror instead of the man I am inside for as long as I live.

I won’t ever be who I am inside.

I am Maxwell, but I’ll never be Maxwell.

Because I’m simply too young.

To be clear, theyre not being actively malicious. But they just moved a lot closer to my family, and when we went over to visit they misgendered me the entire goddamn time.

I have been out for three fucking years.

I am on testosterone.

I am planning top surgery.

I deliberately masculinized my appearance as much as I could before we went over.

And they still fucking misgendered me the whole time.

I think I'm going to ask my parents to use he/him for me when my grandparents are around, because I just want them to get the fucking memo that I. Am. Not. A. Girl.

For fuck's sake, it's not that difficult. It takes like 3 months tops to stop slipping up. Just figure it the fuck out already, would you?

I don't understand how I'm not supposed to kill myself. I'm not prepared to lose all my family, I'm scared and hopeless, i'll never be a man. I don't want to be homeless, I'm not crazy. I just want my parents to love me.

its the 2nd last day of school, and were having a Mario kart tournament in class. at first the teacher said they would have 2 tournaments, one for experienced players and one for beginners/novices. but now I saw the final placements and there's more groups, and theyre gendered... is there a reason teachers are so insistent on dividing kids based on "gender"? cuz really, its not gender. its genitals. I just want to be able to do stuff other kids do but I cant because everything is gendered :(

I saw too much of transphobia at once, and i feel horrible, any tips how to cope with knowing that so much people hate me, because of something i have no control over?

Also i feel like i 'm way too sensitive, even very indirect, or not intended things makes me cry very easily, and i can't imagine how could i possibly react, if i ever get to experience any hate in person.

Called my insurance for an update on my appeal, turns out they denied coverage for my hrt AGAIN. I waited for over a month just to get this bad news. Yes, they say they cover gender affirming hrt. I'm so fucking sick of this. Out-of-pocket, my testosterone cost $200-$400.

I dont know what to do. I know I will have to switch insurance. It's just difficult to find good insurance that I can afford. I'm still on my family's insurance since I'm covered up to age 25.

I dont know how to cope mentally in the interim. I have been suffering with horrible gender dysphoria for a long time. Now that I have no idea how to afford my hrt, my already fragile mental health plummeted further.

I relapsed and started self harming again because it's the only thing that makes me feel better. I keep on having thoughts about wanting to die. I know that's an exreme reaction to the situation. I just feel so trapped with no escape from my mental agony.

I hate my fucking existance. I wish I was never born. I hate this fucking body, I just want hrt to help alleviate some of the dysphoria and I can't even have that. I have no idea how to cope.

And they have every right to think that because I haven't told them. But i can't tell them. My dad side of the family are Mexican and they have some pretty conservative views. No im not saying all Mexicans are conservatives. My mom does seem more supportive than my dad telling me when I was 13 that theirs only two genders and being gay was wrong. But im still scared. I don't know how she's gonna react. My brother always says he wants a little brother and im right here but he also says trans people should be put in mental hospitals. My sister is the only one supportive but sometimes I don't think she sees me as a boy. I'm just so tried of pretending to be someone im not but I'm not sure i can face my family to tell them who I really am. I don't think I can wait 3 more years.

So I'm a teenager who has come out to my parents multiple times, though somehow I always get pushed back into the closet. Like I know my parent don't get it, but every time I tell them it's like they ignore me. I feel like I'm going crazy because every time one of my parents says "it's no big deal, just say you're trans" then they proceed to misgender me and act like I didn't tell them anything. It's been almost two years since I've told them, I've tried to reiterate that I'm trans, but every time they come up with an excuse for why I feel like this. This time is different (maybe?) because my other parent said that they would try to get someone that I could talk to, though I don't feel like that'll happen at all. I bury my feelings and act like its fine for them, but lately I've been so annoyed I can't take it anymore. So I decided to vent on this sub; thanks for taking the time to read my vent.

I'm sorry if this is the wrong place for this, mods are free to delete if they want, i just don't know where else to turn, or where I should look for help, or if I even deserve it.

I was permabanned from /r/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns and I don't understand why. My best guesses are that it was either:

on a post about "Instead of buying the new Harry Potter game, just give 60 dollars to a trans woman" I linked my paypal donation link, which was removed within the day after someone suggested I do it (since it shows my full name)

or

I attempted to reclaim the slur >!troon!< in a comment in which I explicitly stated I was trying to reclaim it.

And if those are unacceptable, that's totally okay, I'll happily never do them again, but no-one's telling me anything. The message about my permaban had no reason, and I reached out to the mod team 1, 4, 5, and 6 days ago without any response whatsoever.

I really love that community. I love being part of it. I miss it. Is there anything I can do? Anything I can stop doing? Am I a bad person for whining about this and not just moving on?

I just don't understand, and it hurts...

Quick edit: And it doesn't help that I was recently fired from my job at starbucks, so I'm already under a lot of stress. I just feel... Unwanted.

sorry again if this is a bad post or isn't welcome here, if this post is deleted or I'm banned I'll understand.

It's been almost fifteen years since I came out.

Over that time, I've faced so much violence, whether at the hands of cis people or trans people.

It's pride month, and I'm tired of only seeing things that support transwomen.

I'm really fucking sick of it.

Transmisandry is absolutely a thing. I'm tired of transmasc people not getting the help they need because they're men.

Just fucking support men and masculine identities in our queer and trans spaces already, goddamn it.

I hate my feminine features and pear shape body. I'm 5 months on T-gel with nothing to show for it. No one can even tell I'm on T. I get assumed to be a cis woman all the time and not even a GNC one just a regular cis woman. I feel like an absolute idiot and a failure calling myself a man.

No voice drop, barely any bottom growth, no fat redistribution.....my transition is a failure through and through. I failed.

I feel like I have bad genetics and waited to long to transition. I just hate my body. I hate telling people my pronouns and have them act shocked and then pretend to remember.

I'm not a guy. I'm a hairy woman. I feel like an idiot for even bothering. I hate looking in the mirror

“Cassy”= my girlfriends friend. “Lexi”= my girlfriend

I was on a call with my girlfriend earlier tonight. She was drinking with her friend. It was fine but, i feel terrible. I know they didnt mean to make me feel bad, and most of it is my fault. Her friend, “cassy”. They were talking about me, not talking bad, just “lexi” being drunk and saying im hot. Which she does all the time since she knows it embarrasses me. Cassy said “he’s hot to you but i don’t date trans guys, only straight guys but im still supportive.” i dont understand. What does being trans and sexuality have to do with anything? Plus i have a girlfriend? How is that not straight? I understand that its a preference but why say “straight” ? Lexi then went on with saying more but i just didnt know what to say. But then Cassy called her boyfriend. His voice was way deeper then mine. I just stopped talking. His voice was that of an actual male. Its not fair. I hate being trans. I wish i were a boy. Just a boy. Without people seeing me as trans. I wish i was a cis gendered male. Im tired of having to deepen my voice so much to try and pass just for me to not. I hate how bad my ribs hurt when i wear a binder for the whole day. I hate taking a shower and seeing the ugly fat blobs hanging from my chest. I wish i could be on something. Anything to feel good about myself. Everyone keeps telling me that this wont help me, that i have to learn to love my body. I cant love my body when it isn’t my body. I want MY body. Not this stupid body i got stuck in. I don’t want this body. I thought people would get that when i started cutting it. Or binding my chest so tight to the point where i couldn’t breathe. I heard Cassy say to her boyfriend “Lexi talking to some trans guy”. Why couldn’t she have just said “guy” or maybe “her boyfriend” why can i just be referred to as “male” “guy” “boy” i want to be cis. Why cant Texas or whoever the hell makes laws here understand that i am a human. I just want to feel like i actually was meant to be born. If people who are against us could live in our bodies for a day maybe they’d understand. Understand the self hatred. The dysphoria. The mind set you get stuck in when someone misgenders you. Im not asking for much. I just want the right to feel okay. If i can feel this bad at this age then why cant i at least do something about it. Its not like i want huge surgeries right now. I just want to be on testosterone and hormone blockers. I wish they could understand that i want to kill myself because of this. Its not a mental illness, it made a mental illness. And if i could have access to the materials to fix it wouldn’t have made all of this.

How many more trans dead bodies is it going to take for you to understand?

I'm 20yo (pre-everything) and even before I knew I was trans, I've hated myself, and adding on the weight of gender dysphoria on top of already existing body dysmorphia makes it so much worse. I weigh over 300 lbs, I'm extremely hairy (both face and body), and although my hair is finally long enough for a ponytail, I just look like a fat, ugly guy with a ponytail. I know HRT would probably make things better, but I just absolutely hate the way I am now. I wanna be cute and pretty and girly, but whenever I feel the slightest bit of euphoria, I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I just look and feel stupid. I'm only out to a handful of close friends who are very supportive and have offered to go clothes shopping with me and other girly stuff, but I always feel ugly beyond repair. They always try to tell me I'm pretty, which I appreciate, but it all feels fake and I can never make myself believe it. Every moment where I can feel my body is agonizing. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to keep going if I have to live in this body. I'm sick of even being perceived, and I just wanna disappear forever.

My mom always yells at me and she says i will never be a real man, no matter how i look, how masculine i dress, how masculine i sound,i was born a woman and im gonna be a woman forever, i just wish i was a cis guy, everything would be easier, i feel so uncomfortable everytime someone calls me a girl because im not out,but it hurts anyway and i wish could be out but im scared to tell my friends, i don't wanna loose them,i don't wanna loose my mom's love neither, but that's impossible, i just want to be a guy.

Btw im not out to my mom but she suspects im trans, and she says that if she discovers it some day she is gonna take me to a psychologist

On HRT for two and a half years, I’m almost 30, look distinctly and disgustingly male, I’m a fucking unattractive fat cross dressing disgusting pervert. I don’t know if these estrogen patches are actually doing anything. And even if they were, literally nobody would want to be around me lol. Awkward and fat and shamefully trying to be a woman. And also with BPD and major depression. A total catch.

I’ve grown uglier over the last couple of years and look even less close to femme than I did before. I have literally zero people (not kidding) who’d even think of shooting me a text. And I just look so awful when I want to try and be pretty. I’m just an ugly brown shemale. I’m so fucking unattractive it’s unbelievable. And just boring. My friends are tired of me, I know nobody would remember me if I were gone. I hate this life.

I’m never gonna be accepted, let alone be actually loved, body and mind, by someone. I fucking hate this so much. And when I think of roping I think of how disgusting I’d look dead with how fat I am. Fuck being born in the wrong body lol. Like. Fuck it. I honestly don’t know how I’ve kept on going for more than two decades now, and I’m so fucking tired. I want to die a woman, not a man.

I get to go to my grandparents house this weekend with a friend who I'm out to (I'm a trans guy) so that's gonna be fun. But the issue here is my mom wants me to start shaving my legs, since we will be swimming. She said that she just doesn't want to me to get made fun of. I think being made fun of for hairy legs is more bearable then the extreme dysphoria it'll bring tbh. Plus, I'm gonna come out publicly as trans in school next year, so at that point I'm pretty sure poking fun at unshaved legs will be the last thing people target. Idk, a lot of bad things have happened lately relating to me being trans, and any amount of euphoria I can get makes things at least a little better. Now I'm not only gonna have top dysphoria, but now my legs are gonna be another source of dysphoria. I already felt a bit dysphoric from my thighs, but the leg hair was what helped me feel more like myself. It probably sounds stupid, but leg hair is really a great source of euphoria for me, now the lack of it will be the complete opposite. I'm just repeating myself at this point, so I'll end the post here

im just so tired of being so extremely lonely

never have a ever had a partner and i’ve had transphobic friends for 15 years and just now have i managed to get out of it, but then im left with no friends at all

so i was gonna live a bit this summer but i hate myself, i hate my body, i can only procrastinate and I cant do things

how can i solve this?

Was feeling OK today, went out without a problem, came home and tried to use a livestream website. Got a fellow autistic person clocking me immediately and being all edgelordy about it, then a girl calling me ugly.

So long story short my mom isn't alive anymore and my dad has been in a realtionship with his current girlfriend for some years now, last year i decided to come out to both of them. Now my dads gf has never been "good" with trans people, for example when i came out she suggested that i should choose a name that's similar to my deadname so it would be easier for others to remember, even though i had already chosen another name. Recently things have gotten even worse. Sometimes when she talks about trans people she will refer to them as "a trans", and she has begun openly and perpousfully misgendering other trans people, including my friends, to my face, she has also not once used my chosen name or pronouns. The worst part is i live at home, and recently the plans i had to move out with a friend fell a part so now i might be stuck here for another year, but i don't feel safe transitioning while living with her and yet i also want to start transitioning ASAP. I honestly just feel trapped at this point, at least i am able to avoid her most of the times but those hours i'm forced to spend with each day are just awful.

i feel like such a fuckin dumbass for even think like this but there's this discord im in thats full in trans and enbys and i like talkin to them and recently like a few weeks ago one of my friends at least i hope were friends has made an tried to made her voice more feminine and im really happy for her. but i feel weird now cause my voice when not fem is kinda deep and well alot of the time when talkin i feel kinda like im not really trans but i know i am and it every time i talk i feel like there judging me by voice and i dont want to talk with them but really want to talk with them and i did i think yesterday but it also may have been the 2 days ago i dont know and it felt weird and i felt wrong for being there even though one of the trans girls in voice chat had a deep voice but i still felt weird and i dont know why i just did.

sorry if this is all over the place this is just my brain vomit gonna try and talk to them right now

I went shopping for some clothes for hiking and I put on a sports bra and some biker shorts. Man o man I never felt so bad about my body. I don't have much on top, but I still keep looking for bras and things, but I need to just not do that for a while, let things develop. But the top with the bottom, and with my stomach (I am a fairly large woman) I just hated how I looked. My shape is so ick. I have lost a tons of weight, and an trying to loose more, but right now I hate how I look.

I know I will look better as I loose weight, I need to keep it up. I know I should look for different styles that will compliment my size and shape. I know things will be better. It just doesn't help how I feel now.

I did find a couple really nice tops, and a few pairs of shorts that I really liked, but I did not get any affirmation from my time trying on clothes. I just don't have the body shape I want yet, and I have to deal with it and work towards it.

Feeling kinda low. I only went shopping because I am meeting up with a friend I haven't seen on like 2 years and she knew the "man" I was who weighed 100lbs more and was always drunk. I wanna impress her, but more than that I just wanna show her my real self, but I don't feel I am at my real self yet.

Thanks. I just needed to vent.

I'm actually really happy with how I look, I think I pass really well. But no matter what I do I never get gendered correctly in public. No one ever calls me a boy until someone tells them I'm trans and it's really embarrassing. I think I look like a kind of pretty boy but no one ever really wants anything to do with me. I really want a boyfriend but no one is ever interested, they all just think I'm an ugly girl. It's not enough that I like how I look, I want to share that with others but there's no one there to. I wanna date someone before it's too late and I don't look good anymore.

every day presents its own unique set of challenges huh!

my only access to hrt for the next two fucking years is shitty DIY from india

meanwhile im almost 6 feet tall with a fucked up chest and literally no discernable feminine features

and my hair doesnt even fucking begin to look feminine the more it grows

at this point im literally just banking on getting better luck next time in reincarnated because this life is a total fucking wash and im really just done im actually just gonna board a euthanasia coaster at this point