MTF 25

Since, I've started my transition (came out around New Years), I have slowly learned more and more about myself. I am now aware of how intensely I feel the need to have a feminine body and even mind. The dysphoria that comes with this realization is extremely intense, right now.

I recently started HRT about 3 weeks ago, but it's only 2 mg sublingual Estradiol daily monotherapy. I have noticed only a few emotional changes (in a good way) and no physical changes.

Now, I'm not saying I'm expecting a bunch of changes after just starting light monotherapy to introduce me to HRT. It's just the realization of how strongly I feel that the body I have and range of emotions I currently experience are so misaligned with who I feel I really am, and it's killing me.

I'm going through so many stages of grief at once, right now, trying to come to terms with what I've been missing my whole life. I am just feeling absolutely devastated, right now.

I've had an incredibly traumatic life. Everytime I get a handle one a source of trauma my subconscious is like: good, good, have you looked behind this door I've been hiding? But realizing I'm trans and that body dysphoria was driving large sections of my self-hate, loathing, dissociation, suicidal thoughts. Was like a door being blown off it's hinges. I want to start HRT asap. It feels right, but I'm lost, I need someone I can talk to about this (other than my therapist)

Hey, so I kinda hard realized that I'm at the very least genderfluid if not just full on MtF this past Saturday. I've had thoughts about being a woman since early puberty but it was never problematic until now (currently 25). I've basically been in a state of constant anxiety ever since and it's been making it difficult to work this week. Like bad enough that I came out to my parents, and while they're incredibly supportive I'm still basically in full on freak out mode. I live in a southern state so it likely wouldn't be safe for me to do anything super overt atm, but if there's any ideas for things that I could do discretely that would maybe give me an outlet until I can talk with my psychiatrist and work things out more I would massively appreciate it.

can people stop saying it gets better at x or y time? because ive waited and waited years and nothing’s changed. my health continues to degrade as i swear to myself “I’ll be happy once i can be myself” all ive done is wait and wait and wait and wait.

I hate my boy so much,my body is very dysphoric and like i hear somewhere that like hips stop fusing or some shit at around 25 years old.I am 18 turning 19 next month and it's making me very dysphoric and i hate my body so so much.I need to find a way to castrate myself soon before i'm 25 and i get fucking hopeless.My fucking ribcage is already making me very dysphoric.I'm stuck on this stupid island called Barbados and i'm trying to escape this place as an asylum seeker and stuff soon so i can escape this stupid anti lgbt place and get somewhere safe but i feel fucking hopeless so for my hips i'm thinking about needing to castrate myself soon.i really just wish i was fucking dead.

i can’t control anything rn… i’m already past the point of puberty and i can never change how broad by chest looks and narrow my hips looks and it sucks. I just look ugly i look so ugly. I always just look bulky and out of place because i couldn’t get treatment in time. I should just give it and call it a life

I feel like I’ve been doing okay, but lately I’ve been feeling incredibly overwhelmed and insecure. I was recently diagnosed with some serious neurological issues and it’s depleted my energy/happiness/and overall just livelihood. On top of that, my spouse came out as transgender(MTF) I want to be her person and I trust her. I’m just worried my NES is too much for her. She’s been jumping through hoops to get on estrogen, and she just got approved to be on it, I’m not even sure anymore. I just feel like my issues and anxiety has contributed to her anxiety about transitioning since doctors still don’t have answers for me. I’ve considered getting on disability, but what if I’m too broken for her. I want to be able to make her happy again. I use to have no issues and work without issues either. Now I’m too depressed and anxious to leave my apartment some days.

I hate my life im trans but not out. Im maried and have a child. If i come.out as trans i will loose everything my job my wife my kid. Everything i worked so hard for would be gone. My wife knows i "crossdress" and she hates it and everything to do with it she says "im not atracted to girls" i wake up everyday and hate that i cant dress the way i feel i should. When i look in the mirror i cry sometimes because its like a stranger looking back at me. I dont know what to do its killing me inside. I just want to live life feminine and i cant. I feel so stuck and i know people are gonna say "well if she doesn't support you she doesn't love you" but i feel thats not true i know she loves me and i love her so much. Im so lost it hurts

I'm done with this world
[5:51 PM]
I'm going to kill myself tonight
[5:51 PM]
I don't know why i went on reddit
[5:51 PM]
Searching up ways to make my fucking ribcage smalle
[5:51 PM]
and assholes telling me not to get ribs removed
[5:51 PM]
liek i give a fuck what evehappepns to my fucking organs
[5:51 PM]
i hate my fucking body enough
[5:51 PM]
so i'm fucking done with tihs world
[5:52 PM]
and killing myself tonight by slitting my wrists and then hanging
[5:52 PM]
goodbye
[5:52 PM]
fuck this world
[5:55 PM]
It would be so much better if i had a gun to do it with tho,so this could be a much more satisfying result

OI can tta ekr it anymore,every single fucking day i live with fucking dyshoria and my ufkcing dont care abotu em anymore and now my fucking upper shoulder sand torso are giving me so much dysphoria now that i cant tkae ity anymore.Im done.im fucking tired of it it all.Tongiht is rhthe last ngiht i suffer anymore.Fuck this world.

Johanna 2005-2024

I hate my body so so much,whenever i look into that mirror i get so much dysphoria..my face,my shoulders and by stupid torso that looks so fucking wide that it's giving me a lot of dysphoria.

I already don't have much hope in my future and i consider suicide every day so i am just wondering if there's any surgery or method or someting i could do to make my stupid upper torso less wide...I am also considering castrting myself by tying rope around the genital area until they turn purple and go bad...At this point i feel so hopeless that i might as well kill myself and be done with this stupid body.

Are injection needles on amazon trustworthy/okay to use? My health insurance at my new job doesn’t start until May 1st and I can’t refill my prescription without it, and I just ran out of 25g needles. Does anyone get them off amazon religiously?

I can't take the fucking dysphoria nyrore,i ant that fuckign rogan removedall i go online and i eeep saeeing shti after shit after shit about fucign higher cancer rates and stuff and it's givign me unbearable dysphoria rn to the point that i want to fucking kill myself,cancer this,cancer that,prostate shit.I can't take it anymore.I want this goddman useless fucking masculine organ gone. or else i'll just go ahead and fucking kill myself becasue i swear to fucking god i rather be dead rn than live anymore in this fucking body.

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So I'm a 28 year old transgender woman. I currently live in upstate NY. I relocated to NY form Arizona 2 years ago as a medical refugee. I don't want to live somewhere cold anymore. I don't even want to live in USA anymore. I've been looking into places that might be what I'm looking for. I'm also looking at my options considering my qualifications. I have worked in food, hospitality, and caregiving for over a decade now. Only have a highschool education. I actually like working with food. I want to learn a new language (currently teaching myself Spanish, french and Portuguese). Where in the world is a viable option for me and my skill set. I've been looking at France, Spain, Portugal, Thailand, and Chile. Would I be able to immigrate to another country with my skill set and experience? Someplace warm-ish 🤞I hate cold weather, I especially hate snow.

I feel so stuck. I don't pass. I never will, but I wouldn't care that much if it wasn't ruining my life. I can't get a job cause I'm trans. So I can't afford surgeries cause I'm trans. I can't even get education to have a better shot at getting a job cause I'm trans. I lost all my trans friends cause I haven't been able to get my surgeries after all these years. I can't regularly take my hrt cause I can't afford it. Cause I can't get a job cause I'm trans. And every time I don't take them my puberty comes back destroying my body even more. Making me pass even less. Making everything harder yet again. I just wish I wasn't trans.

All my life I've always struggled with depression, I've always been alone, always hated myself, always felt hopeless, always felt worthless, always wished I was a girl...

For most of my life I've just wished to die... its just another ordinary day...

I've already given up on so many things anyways... maybe I should just give up on this useless wish to be a girl too...

I'm not a fighter... I've never been able to stand up for myself or say what's on my mind... so its not like I would be able to talk about being trans...

It's not like it would change much anyways... it'd make my family hate me... and I'd still be me... I still wouldn't be good enough anyways...

Things seem to be getting worse lately but at the same time does it even matter... you can't crush what is already broken...

It's just an ordinary everyday pain... its just the same old meaningless tears I shed... it just the same old melancholy... what does it matter...

Maybe I don't even want to feel better... all it would do is open my heart back up to be hurt again... maybe its just better to stay behind these walls and hurt myself so others don't...

Happiness is too big a dream to be chased...

I wish I knew what warmth felt like... but then again the cold never really bothered me anyways... maybe its just better...

I don't know...

It's not like this wish could ever come true anyways...

What's it matter... its just the same old ordinary pain... it already broke me long ago... not like things can get much worse...

I don't know.... everything's pointless anyways...

I feel depressed and suicdial again,i'm tired of people saying bilogical males and shit,I'm fucking tired of it.I seriously want to kill myself,i don't want to be a fucking boy anymore,i'm sick and tired of this fucking body and i fucking hate it,the chromosones and shit,it's really making me depressed and i rather kill myself than be a boy.

I had a very long, very sad talk with my girlfriend of 5 years a few weeks ago and everything’s different now. I fell into a deep depression about a year ago, there were many many changes in our life and I wasn’t handling them very well, we moved cities and thing didn’t go as planned money wise, so I started feeling a lot of pressure that I wasn’t able to communicate and my attitude changed gradually, I started having many negative thoughts and just spiraled but wouldn’t say shit ‘cause I didn’t want to be a burden. This backfired because with my emotions bottled up I would just be grumpy until I felt better again and act like “normal”.

Somewhere along the line I finally told myself that I was trans. This had been brewing on my head for a very long time, but I was in denial. Hell even when I admitted it to myself I stayed in denial, thought I could just ignore it and go on since there were more important things to deal with than my gender identity, this added up of course, the dysphoria got out of hand along with my mood swings and one day (sometime in November of last year) I told her, during a mental breakdown, shaking with fear and crying. She said she would support me but I could feel the disconnect and disbelief of what I was telling her, she has this defense mechanism instilled by her upbringing that saying things while crying or breaking down isn’t really truthful or valid, it’s not something blatant or even voluntary, I know she fights this type of reaction and works on it in therapy, I’m really not trying to make her look bad here, just trying to explain how I percieved things at that time. After that things were a little better for a while, I finally got a job, met a really nice friend to whom I told I was trans and was extremely cool about it, validated me so much, and I just felt a really good connection, I should mention no one really knew about this except for my gf and my friend. My gf family is not really the most inclusive so we kept it a secret at home, which made me dysphoric, she would still use he/him pronouns with me and all in all, I just really didn’t feel like much support regarding my transition, so I just started dressing up when no one was home, got some clothes and whatnot, when I told her she’d be like “cool” but again I felt like she wasn’t having it, thought to myself “maybe she’s just processing it” I went into this knowing that it might be too much for her. The most amount of support I got was her trying to get me involved with the trans community in events and that sort of thing, which was nice, I met a couple of people there too, went dressed up and had a really nice time. She’d also send me resources and other things, but again, in person it just didn’t feel like she was happy with the way things were.

I ended up losing the job, because the company that hired me lost a few clients and they just didn’t need me anymore, that got me real bad, my anxiety was through the roof, and my attitude was off again. After that my grandma had to have surgery because she fell and my family needed me to come back to my hometown to help for a little while, so I did and here’s where I am now, when I left I decided I would tell all of my friends here that I am trans, I brought all my clothes with me and let me tell y’all. Telling my friends was the best thing that could ever happen, they’ve been extremely supportive and all around amazing these couple of months, instantly started using my pronouns and making little get togethers to be girly and validate my gender every chance they get. After a couple of weeks here my gf wanted to talk to me, she felt like I wasn’t including her in my transition/life in general and just didn’t know where she stood, she felt I didn’t see her as my partner anymore and (this is what broke me) she really missed her boyfriend and didn’t even had the chance to say goodbye to him, she added that there was this feeling she was fighting that this just may be a temporary thing and things could get back to normal, after that she apologized and said she wasn’t trying to be transphobic, I do understand I know she’s not, she’s in fact very pro trans rights and women’s rights in general. I honestly understand where her feelings come from, in my depression I started to seclude myself from everyone in general and she wasn’t the exception. I’m not trying to blame myself or her for this situation, it just got out of our hands and many emotions were just hard to deal with on my part and I struggled with communication all along. We ended up agreeing to not make any harsh decisions until I got back, but I can’t stop feeling like we’re over now it’s just a matter of time til I get back and we talk things over again, I’m in a lot of pain because I feel like my relationship’s lost for good.

I’ll end the post here as it already got too long, If anyone got this far, thank you for reading. I missed a lot of the details of course but I just needed to put this into words.

I’ve been out for over a year, I’ve been in transition for that entire time. I’m on hormones, I’ve changed my name and I am so much happier with myself as a result. And I also feel like I’m loosing all the very best parts of my life pre transition. All the things I loved, the people I loved are pulling away from me.

And I’m struggling reconciling the two things. I feel burnt out by the whole journey, the good parts are overshadowed by an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness for what I’ve had and seen disappear. I fear the future and if I’ll ever find a fraction of what I’ve lost, how anyone can love me or want me as I am I don’t know.

I feel utterly worthless and like the worst person on earth, it’s a horrible place to be, I just hope it can get better

I'm pathetic... I'll never be a girl... I'll always be too afraid to talk about it...

I 'tried' calling a trans support line again today, normally you never even get though the last few times I tired I actually got someone. But every time I couldn't even get out a hello...

I'm so stupid and pathetic... I mean if I can't even handle that then I'll never be able to be a girl... I've always been a stupid unless worthless coward... I can never do anything right... Its scary enough to just say I want to be a girl out loud when no ones around...

No one else can hear my voice inside my head, but in reality my voice is often lost...

If I can't speak up no one will even know... and all this pain... and these wishes may as well not even be real...

Nothing will ever get better for a coward like me... because I have to say there's a problem before anyone would even care... otherwise all this pain and all these tear will simply remain hidden...

I hate myself so much... I wish I was even a little brave... instead of being me...

Everyone's already basically said they'd hate me if I was trans but there's nothing I can do about it... maybe if they understood the pain... but even then... would anyone even listen...

All my life I've been alone all my life I'll be alone... I just go with the flow... never challenge anything...

The world said I was worthless and that I didn't belong and I accepted it... every bad thing anyone ever said I accepted all of it...

I'm 28 now... I live at home still off of disability support and working part time, I have non-verbal learning disorder and crohn's disease... I got nothing going for me... my family is transphobic, I have no friends I've never even been able to make any in my life... heck if I died no one would even notice...

I need help but I can't get help because I'm too afraid...

but what would it even change anyways if I was a girl... I'd still be stupid old worthless me... just maybe I'd at least feel closer to human... instead of a lost little alien... I'd still be dumb, awkward and broken at best... and then I'd have to face the world alone... and I couldn't do that....

I'm stuck with no way out... just waiting to die anymore...

I just can't do this anymore my whole life has been loneliness, depression, and gender dysphoria... I can't take all this... I'm too weak and afraid... too lost and broken... there's probably no fixing me anyways...

Most of my life has been spent just waiting to die... maybe I should just stop waiting... its not like there is anything else I can do... its the only way out... its the only way this story ends... a pathetic end to a pathetic tale...

No one will hear my useless cries that echo in my head... no one will be there by my side... there's no way I can say all the words I hid away...

I wish I wasn't trans... I wish I was born as a girl... I wish my family would've been supportive at least... but its pointless... I'm trans... I can't escape that... and if I want to feel better than I need help... but I've spent a lifetime running from these feelings... maybe I can't even stop now...

I just want to be a girl... but since I can't at least have that much then I want to die... and break this endless cycle of pain...

My younger sibling has come out as trans to me a few months ago. Unfortunately I know our family will not be supportive and have discussed my concerns with them. From our talks it seems quite likely that as soon as they turn 18 they will wind up "running away" from home and live with me and my significant other, in part due to them being trans but there is also borderline abuse in the home. I'm already the black sheep in my family so I am prepared for going through this fight to support them.

However my question is does anyone on this sub have any recommendations on how to best support them? When I got away from home I was experiencing more indepth and different types of abuse so I want to be able to fully support them knowing a decent part of their abuse is related to their orientation.

I'm so fucking dysphoric rn.I came across soem stupid news story about like..welll..it involved utetuses and shit and i automatically feel dysphoric.I'm MtF and my body is already an unpassable piece of shit,i don't want to live anymore plus i have no uspport around e and everyone fucking hates e.i dont even care anymore.Every fuckign day i just wish i had brain cancer or something so i coiuld die already and be doen with thi sshit.

Earlier today i made the mistake of looking at myself in the mirror in my "dad"s room when i was doing some stuff and i immediately felt awful.Everything was bad.

My face,my wide shoulders,my stupid ribcage that makes things looks awful,my big feet and my stupid height.I feel suicidal,i feel like my body is completely ruined and the only thing i can do now is to commit suicide and free myself from this stupid body.I've considered going to the nearest gun range and getting my hands on a gun,then blowing my head off for good an being done with this world and then maybe i could jump off a cliff or building nearby..or if that doesn't work just drink bleach,slit my wrists or run into oncoming traffic,anything to free me from this unending pain.

I've also considered self-castration by like tying a rope around the 2 stupid things until they turn purple then going to the hospital to get them removed so that i don't get an infection or something

I am a 18 year old transgirl living in the Caribbean with my two unappcepting parents and i kinda hope to escape this country to safe place for transgender people,maybe a safer country as an asylum seeker or something as that's my only hope.

Is there any clavicle reduction surgery for the shoulders,any surgeries for the face and my stupid ribcage,shoes and feet I can't take the dysphoria anymore and it's driving me on the edge of suicide.I don't want to live anymore

I want surgeries for my :

Face

Eyebrow Thing

Ribcage

Shoulders

Feet

Height

Please just fix this shit before i end up killing myself which i honestly feel is my destiny at this point.

I've been using it on my body for a bit and with a few exceptions its really not bad. i hit the edge of a tattoo one day and that shit made me jump. i tried doing my face a bit and it was almost as bad as when i accidentally hit the tattoo. am i doing something wrong? do i need to turn it down because of the density of the hair?

So wish I had a trans girl friend to help.me with hormones or a trans boyfriend I'm so shy

https://www.voicebykylie.com/post/vocal-alchemy-shaping-mtf-ftm-resonance-with-advanced-techniques

I'm gettng some serious f*cking dysphoria rn,it's too much for me t take,like i heard somethign a while ago about like bones or skeletons being dug up and identified as "Male" and shit.and it's worrying me,because like i'm18 and i don't want to get misgendered after death and sh*t.

I want to get cremated but i'm scared that if i k*ll myself in Barbados my stupid parents won't let me be cremated so i'm even thinking about self-immolation,setting myself on fire to end it because i feel so trapped rn,First,i'm trying to escape this stupid transphobic country and now i'm worrying about my fucking bones,i can't take it anymore.I wish i had cancer and died rn asap

Right now i feel so suicidal and hopeless with this infomation,the only thing i can think of is like creamteion so that i don't get called a man and shit.because i cant go on hormones rn and my arms and shoulder are so wide and masculine and my height is a litttle tall so i feel hopeless rn.i want to end my life i cant take the dysphoria anymore,so might seriosly end my life today,it's just too much

Will cremation make sure that i dont get misgendered for the end of time in a museum because of my stupid bones,I want to just die rn,i see no more point in living anyways as i can't transition rn,i want to die,i can't take it anymore

I'm 20yo, mtf transitioning and I've been on and off hrt for about a year because of moving and switching insurance. Over that time, I started to gain a decent amount of weight (specifically going from 6', ~200lbs in March 2023 to 6'2", ~330lbs presently) due to lifestyle changes and a more seditary/home oriented routine due to unemployment.

My dysmorphia and dysphoria are both wildly flaring up recently; my breast growth has halted, so my proportions look wildly off compared to the more rounded out hips and larger bottom half, plus my belly makes it hard to find anything cute to wear pants wise.

I always see skinny trans girls on social media, and most of my trans girl friends are on the thinner side as well. I feel like I'm not valid as a trans person for being overweight and it makes me sad ):

Aside from the stuff like exersise and eating healthy (which I do plan on doing in the near future), is there anything I could be doing to help these feelings?