/r/talesfromcavesupport

Photograph via snooOG

Tales from everyday Cro-Magnons about their struggles with those who are "evolved".

You here, this is what us do:

  • Solve mysterious problems of evolved
  • Fix problems, eat meat, drink old berry juice.
  • Help others feel better after dealing with evolved.
  • Post paintings of cave situations

Few rules:

  1. No bad speak to other. We get bad speak from evolved in day, no want here.
  2. Stay in Cro-Magnon form. We are proud Cro-Magnons, but we not evolve yet. Means no future big fight topics!
  3. Keep secret. We no stand for public stupids, only secret stupids.
  4. No bad action stories about others. We here to fix, not break. Breaking is for evolved.
  5. Keep safe for young.
  6. No no-work paintings. Paintings must be Cro-Magnon, not just painting name.

If you no do rules, you gone. Bad club is hungry for whacks on the way out.

Do want to talk with other Cro-Magnons? Join in big discord!

/r/talesfromcavesupport

48,882 Subscribers

74

Hello, I am "Evolved" Sheriff Jay of the Albuquerque PD speaking on behalf of the one you call "Gronar"

Unfortunately, your friend Gronar is in a bit of trouble here. Last night he was apparently very hungry and broke into a home within my district without a "fast four circle box" which I am assuming he means to say a car. I am assuming that he thought that means the house is vacant but unfortunately, they had left their younger child in the house alone. It is clear to us that Gronar had no interest in the child and was only there to steal food but the child called us and, obviously, we had to put Gronar under arrest for trespassing, breaking and entering and theft.

He physically assaulted us when we tried to apprehend him, screaming something about "evolved bad" and "Gronar not want to go take forever nap". Does that mean Gronar thought we were going to kill him? Apparently tazing him multiple times only made him more convinced that was the case. Unfortunately because of that incident, we now have to charge him with both resisting arrest and assaulting a police officer.

When he came to in his cell, he continuously started bashing his fists and head against the cell door and smearing his blood all over the walls. He kept murmuring something about "tribe bring old berry juice, you let Gronar go back to cave". Does that mean he wants to trade alcohol (I am that is what he meant, because he appeared to be mimicking a drunk person as he said it) for his release? Because unfortunately, our system of government does not work like that and old berry juice is not a proper item to use to post bail. (Bail is a payment you need to make in our society to come out of what he refers to as the "hard bed cold cave"). When we refused his offer, Gronar started to throw fecal matter at us exclaiming "evil evolved no scare Gronar, Gronar make evolved eat Gronor buttmud". Needless to say, he now has (another) charge for assaulting a police officer, this time with bodily fluids. He also has made one of our police officers uncomfortable with his stares and constant sexual motions while looking at her saying "oogabooga", so we also might have to tack a sexual harassment charge on him as well.

This is, of course, to speak nothing of his cell, which is now covered in blood and fecal matter, and since he refuses or doesn't understand the concept of a toilet, now has multiple puddles of urine in it as well. The stink in the cell block is becoming unbearable, and frankly he could use a good shower.

Now I am trying to be a mediator here and come to some reasonable arrangement to fulfill his release and make peace between us "evolved" and your peoples, but I am kind of stumped on how we can do this, because we are all very worried about what he might do should we open up his cell, considering he either doesn't understand or refuses to allow us to cuff him through the cell door, and we are taking his threats to bonk us on the head very, very seriously. It is amazing how strong you guys are. In addition, as an officer of the law, I cannot in good faith allow an individual like Gronar to be released without him:

A) having a full understanding of what he is done and that it is both wrong and unacceptable
B) an agreement that he will never do any of these things again and
C) a sincere apology to us and to the owners of the home he broke into for the harm and trauma he has caused

I worry that releasing him without these understanding made perfectly clear might result in an unsafe environment for the public at large in my district.

I would like to come to a peaceful conclusion to this problem, but I need your help. Although his bail is currently set at $25,000 (we evolved mostly trade paper money as a value instead of goods like your peoples do) I admit I do not understand much of how your society works, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for your way of life and furthermore, would like to demonstrate to you that "evolved" can be a respectable people that you can live in harmony with. How exactly can we bring this matter to an acceptable conclusion for both sides? I might be willing to lower his bail as long as he agrees to show up in court to discuss these charges and, assuming this all goes over smoothly, APD might be willing to drop all charges as a sign of common humanity and respect for other cultures than our own. If however he refuses to cooperate, we might have to default towards our legal code of punishment for his behavior.

Respectfully (I really hope you can understand this letter..),

Sheriff Jay

Albuquerque PD

26 Comments
2024/06/05
21:45 UTC

25

Me like you all to meet brother. He sneaky act like evolved to get back caveman stuff from 'mu-see-um'.

2 Comments
2024/06/04
10:44 UTC

5

Why Frug’s skin-snake shedding?

Me Thruk. Have friend Frug. Sometime Thruk and Frug compare skin-snake. Frug much bigger than Thruk but that not why Thruk worry. Thrum’s skin-snake is shedding and skin-snake’s head is never cover. Is safe? Is clean? How Thruk tell Frug Thruk worry for Frug’s skin-snake?

2 Comments
2024/06/02
23:47 UTC

7

hark!

a fiendish sorcerer with the head of a dragon and the body of a man hath cast an evil spell to transport me to an era yonder. do ye know anything about these cursed beasts?

5 Comments
2024/06/02
10:42 UTC

73

Give talking lesson to evolved

1 Comment
2024/05/28
22:52 UTC

56

Rootsnoot find ting call 'me-me'!

4 Comments
2024/05/28
02:42 UTC

21

UPDATE: BAD TRIBE CHIEF BAD

Last sun Me and VugVug see hunted big cat. VugVug bonk man from bad tribe and me admit blame for bonk. Bad tribe chief give new war club and invite me and VugVug to feast. Feast taste good but weird. Me go out to empty butt, then me see missing good tribe people forever sleep sleep in pile. BAD TRIBE EAT GOOD TRIBE. Me tell VugVug. Us run, throw butt mud at Bad tribe chief before leave. We hide in cave please help.

2 Comments
2024/05/22
17:18 UTC

9

Friend bonk bad tribe man me need help

Me was watching Glug do Shaman ritual with mushrooms and me friend VugVug wanted show something. He show me new hunt (big cat), then bad tribe man comes towards me and VugVug. Bad tribe man says hunted big cat his, but me know how VugVug hunt (with sharp stick not bonk stick because VugVug smart) but Bad tribe man say he bonk. VugVug get angry and steal bonk stick from Bad tribe man then he bonk him. Bad tribe man friends with Bad tribe chief. Me need help

Edit: Me go admit blame for VugVug's bonking of Bad tribe man. Bad tribe Chief respect me for no lying (even though me did lie) he give me new war club

3 Comments
2024/05/21
13:30 UTC

17

me am love??

Me am meet in big mountain. Very pretty, hair like fire. Me am love them?? what do??

13 Comments
2024/05/20
05:09 UTC

5

me have slim shadetree flat-rocks!

me ook. me look for tribe. me also has two slim shadetree flat-rocks. flat-rocks let other cave persons see slim shadetree speak fast and talk to slim shadetree (/uncave basically VIP passes). ask for flat-rocks to get!! (also you has to let me join tribe)

6 Comments
2024/05/17
15:29 UTC

25

Me new here, me share story.

Chiburn (me) once go big waterfall park with clan. Clan say “go on big waterfall” but Chiburn say “Nuh-uh!” So brother talk Chiburn into go on big waterfall. Chiburn and brother went down big waterfall, was fun. Legs shaked after go down big waterfall. Lesson is: no be scare ls to try new thing, may be fun!

Chiburn sorry if story bad…

13 Comments
2024/05/17
01:22 UTC

12

Frug find odd mushroom. Frug eat odd mushroom. Now Frug feel funny and see things. What Frug do?

2 Comments
2024/05/13
21:59 UTC

25

Sun am angry??

many year ago, it am still cold. Flower stay many days, fruits grow not until later. Now, flower come and go in few day, fruits growing now. It am too hot. sun god angry?

6 Comments
2024/05/06
00:47 UTC

14

Again Hurg. Need eagle advice.

In Hurg tribe, ancient tradition of unga bunga with drum and bone flute for long into moon realm. Unga bunga good, small burn mammoth meat and rotten grain water, many old hunt friends, little death until much later. When come back from little death, go outside for wash self, get hit with rock from eagle. Message from Old Wizard!

Old Wizard live in hollow tree some step away, but say hear unga bunga all moon realm, and send no iz com plain. Old Wizard say no more unga bunga ever, or call spirit of eagle. Hurg seek advice from great shaman Lau Ur, but say that no speak until big mammoth meat, and sharpest tool, and berries.

Hurg need help! Unga bunga good! Old Wizard bad! Hurg not even can get berry for Lau Ur, berry on old wizard land. Hurg thinking club or spear for Old Wizard. Thought?

7 Comments
2024/04/30
03:46 UTC

8

Who want hunt with darb?

Darb want hunt. Darb have many hunting stick and red berry juice. Darb knows place with many mammoth. Who want hunt with Darb?

2 Comments
2024/04/29
02:28 UTC

16

Unevolved caveman

I am in cave and caveman come in my cave not asking. So unevolved. Wanted my sheep dress

7 Comments
2024/04/28
16:13 UTC

25

Brug find man-thing. Called "orangtan." It like me, but with long arm and orange. Anyone else know what is?

Me and other find it in jungle. It seem to be no angry. We wondering if it tasty, or we should just let be.

6 Comments
2024/04/27
20:32 UTC

6

Guk spears break often

Guk make spear from big stick and pointy rock. Guk find new problem where spear break much while hunting. Hard to make new spear. Should Guk try new hunt method, or should Guk try make stronger spear?

7 Comments
2024/04/25
06:42 UTC

15

Sprarg get re-po-zest

Me Sprarg. Me not like evolved. Me see evolved outside cave. Evolved tell me to give shiny rock and green dol-lar leaf. Me scared so throw rock. Evolved leave Sprarg cave. Evolved come back with metal mammoth and take Sprarg rocks and skulls Sprarg hunt for.

Me sad and have no rock.

2 Comments
2024/04/24
20:22 UTC

10

Gug find purple

Gug eat purple.

2 Comments
2024/04/24
20:07 UTC

61

Why few caveman need so many shiny rock?

One caveman named Jenga Benga have so many shiny rock! Too many to count, more than five! Why he need so many? He not even do work to get it! He get other caveman to do work and then take some of shiny rock just because he own cave where work done! This while some caveman not even have enough shiny rock for cave! Why we let happen? There many of us and one of him! Me think tribe would do better if no need shiny rock at all, caveman just help each other to survive, like in good old day! (three day ago)

9 Comments
2024/04/18
11:41 UTC

34

Did you see sun go bye bye behind moon?

Why this happen? Me scared that moon god make sun forever bye bye next time. Me hope sun god fight back.

11 Comments
2024/04/18
11:30 UTC

18

Hi. Me Hurg. Have question.

Hurg find red berry on hunt. Watch red berry for five moons. Bug no eat berry, but boar eat, seem strong. Hurg eat berry, feel like teeth god, run circle two moon. Hurg like, but Hurg question. Red berry witch magic? Red berry demon magic? Hurg no want curse. What think?

9 Comments
2024/04/15
12:25 UTC

20

Cave painting need be censor

Me name the Reeugha (it noise make when fire touch). Yester time I was walk and saw evolved made cave painty painty. They paint Reeugha wife Betharock with the no wolf skin on. Who need the many berries to go and scratch out Betharock cave paint paint?

7 Comments
2024/04/08
05:41 UTC

65

Evolved make fun of Brug

brug eated and was play with little cavetiger friend and then evolved make fun of brug for giving little tiger kisses!! but brug love little tiger and does not like when evolved are mean... brug held tiger extra tight and gave many kisses and she made happy rumble noise! evolved so dumb they dont even know how that tiger are for friendship!!

12 Comments
2024/04/03
14:12 UTC

19

Guk make new friend

Me Guk. Guk find cave home since last post. Two moons ago, Guk discover wolf outside cave. Wolf look hungry. Guk feel bad and give wolf meet. This moon, wolf help Guk hunt wooly mammoth. Guk did not ask for wolf help, but like wolf help anyway. What Guk do now?

7 Comments
2024/03/30
06:20 UTC

15

Man tribe think forest belongs to them. We decide not kill, but do make our point.

For context, we "Amazon Tribe", strongest huntresses in land. We settle 600 moons ago. I lead tribe now. We not like many tribe. Women make up 60%. Women lead tribe for many moons, too many to count. Moon goddess start tribe, says cave wall.

Man tribe move in. Wolf almost go extinct. Man tribe offers we share resources. But if resources shared, Gorga tribe starve.

We decide on peaceful option. We burn man tribe, no kill needed. They leave same night with offerings, carry nothing with them as many tribe run.

Edit: Added "we Amazon Tribe"

1 Comment
2024/03/30
03:38 UTC

22

YEEEOOUUUCHH

Grungus caught foreskin on thorn of bush. YEEEEOOOOOUUUUUCHHH!!

13 Comments
2024/03/29
16:14 UTC

13

No share secret but nice rock maybe

Hi, I Gnark see cavemen singing Ooga-chaka ooga-ooga when moon goddess at hag hour. Gnark tell elder, but he throw a rock at his head. My melon hurt but wowza nice rock.

0 Comments
2024/03/22
03:23 UTC

40

Find strange rock. What do?

Gurg on hunt, but have no luck. Ate last food two sun ago. Gurg find white rock. Me never see new rock. Gurg try eat white rock, make Gurg mouth feel like desert. What do with thirst rock?

12 Comments
2024/03/22
03:22 UTC

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