I just looked back at the SR1 post to try and see how long it was between start and finish so I could compare

and I shit you not, my first thought was

why the fuck is Jolanda the second worst

I'm seriously scratching my head at Colleen, Greg and SEAN being ranked above Kelly.

see title

I get that it's an aggregate popularity contest but wow the people on that sub are just awful, tasteless mouth breathers. Sue, Ozzy and Twila are all god-tier characters and it's incredible to me that they didn't even make top 100 because enough pointless people gave them lower ratings.

So my viewing of this one was way more scattered than my other re-watches. I watched this one over two weeks and I don't really remember the pre-merge all that well. Oops.

Anyway, this is a weird season and I don't really know if I like it or not. I'll get into more detail in my character rankings, but my general thoughts are that I really like 5 characters, and then there's a huge drop to the other 13. There's a TON of people I care so little about, and then a couple people who I'm ambivalent about.

I think the storytelling this season is super all over the place. Aubry's arc dominates most of the post-merge, she kind of gets paired up with Tai whose arc also dominates most the season, and then both of them lose to Michele. Michele's edit does give her a ton of winner justification, but she also feels super tangential to most of the season. It felt like the editors were scrambling in the last couple episodes because they throw in a lot of confessionals where other people are saying how likable and dangerous Michele but it felt way too late to introduce that.

Also fuck all these twists, man. The extra vote is stupid, voting out a jury member is stupid, the fucking idols are stupid, all of them. And I get so sick of people talking about "big moves." Does the show maybe realize that they're screwing over a lot of their winners when they insist that winners win because they makes "big moves," but when a jury gives a pretty decisive win to Michele, the jury clearly isn't masturbating over "big moves" as much as the show is. The show is trying so hard to force their own narratives rather than showing the narrative of the individual season.

It's just frustrating. This season has some good moments but is otherwise just all over the place and I cannot for the life of me get a sense of what this season's story is, but the show obviously doesn't care. With each season I think it becomes clearer that the show's main interest is setting up people to play again. Like, why tell Michele's story when you can tell Aubry's and Tai's because you know you want them to come back because apparently returning seasons are all that fucking matter despite being completely antithetical to the entire conceit of the show.

Anyway.

CHARACTER RANKINGS

18) Scot

I want to like Scot. The 2002 Kings are one of my favorite teams of all time and Scot Pollard is one of the biggest NBA douchebags of all time, and I love NBA douchebags, and I thought Scot Pollard had a chance to be a great villain. In theory I love him. In practice… I can’t fuck with it. Scot’s arc is presented as the big bad villain with all the power, who got too cocky and met an embarrassing fall at the hands of Tai. My biggest problem with this is that Scot never really had all that much power? When Tai, Jason, and he were “running the game” it was just because they had two idols and Tai’s advantage, which is such an arbitrary, boring kind of power. The beautiful thing about falls of Survivor villains is that they have people on their side and those people end up turning against them. And Scot had that to an extent with Tai, but again, that’s really not that much clout. Not to mention that the Brawn tribe was the worst tribe, so that kind of ruins his image, right? I don’t know. He’s someone I’ll need to watch out for on a rewatch because right now his story doesn’t make any sense to me and he’s just kind of a sour, cocky bore with a couple of fun moments.

17) Jason

Ditto everything I said about Scot, including that I need to watch him more carefully on a rewatch. He confuses me. I think his arc is the most unique and complex out of the cast other than Tai, although I’m not sure whether that’s a good thing or not.

16) Nick

I have already forgotten basically everything about Nick. But I will say that I don’t like that he was the first of the post-merge alpha males to go because if Jason or Scot had gone there that would have been a bigger, more satisfying fall, and I feel like Nick would have been a better fit for the whiny powerless archetype that Scot and Jason fell into. Not his fault but, eh, he doesn’t really work for me.

15) Anna

Poker players continue to suck ass at Survivor. Hot though.

14) Caleb

I hate bringing Big Brother contestants onto Survivor. It’s stupid. Stop doing it. Caleb was alright but I’m not looking forward to him playing again.

13) Julia

I right swiped Julia on Tinder and I’m still mad salty she didn’t swipe me back. A little too new school “big moveeez” for my tastes, but she’s cute and fairly charismatic for a teen, which is a demographic that hasn’t had a whole lot of charismatic people on Survivor. So props to her for being better TV than Natalie Tenerelli or Spencer Duhm.

12) Liz

Liz was sort of likable and pretty smart and alright. Sucks that her story was relegated to Peter’s Sidekick, but oh well.

11) Darnell

Darnell was one of those first boots you feel bad for because he actually doesn’t seem like an inherently bad Survivor player, he just kinda had a couple things go wrong in a row. He’s a likable enough guy.

10) Peter

As great as the Pre-Merge Douche Failing Horribly is as a Survivor archetype, Peter never really clicked with me. I still feel like he should have gone in episode three and not Liz because he wasn’t really enjoyable cartoon douche, he was just like… completely normal, reasonable douche. Not bad but a little uninspired.

9) Neal

Fuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkk tthhhaaaaaattt twiiiiiisssstttt. That being said Neal’s passing words to Michele make me assume that his jury speech would have been abhorrent, so maybe it’s for the best for Neal that he didn’t get a chance to speak. But still, fuck that twist. Besides that Neal’s… fine I guess.

8) Joe

So the Joe boot is kind of morbidly hilarious for a couple reasons. 1) because the old guy lost because of his prostate and 2) Jeff keeps talking about how he’s going to be this huge inspiration to people and he’s this incredible guy when he’s been a complete non-entity for the entire season and, again, I can’t stress this enough, he literally lost because he’s old man prostate failed him. It’s not quite as beautifully absurd as Bruce’s medivac, but it’s in that vein.

Anyway, Joe was fine. I like crotchety old men who care more about firewood than winning.

7) Michele

I respect Michele as a player and I will always defend winners who are perceived as “less strategic” than other final jurists. But lord is Michele boring. The upspeak kills me. She’s really Kim Spradlin 2.0 in the sense that you ask why they were ever cast because they’re too obviously good at the game, and part of the reason they’re so good is that they’re normal and balanced and calm. Good for the game, bad for TV.

6) Alecia

Even though it’s kind of hilarious that Alecia was so hated by her tribe that her boot was the most transparent… ever? At least since Roger Sexton? I didn’t like how the show shooed her boot under the rug by rushing through it at the end of Caleb’s episode. She was so integral to the ineptitude of the Brawns that even though her boot’s lack of fanfare was completely justified and appropriate, it felt like they weren’t giving her her due as a great pre-merger.

5) Aubry

Aubry love is pretty self-explanatory. She’s a fun, geeky, smart, funny underdog. She gives good confessionals and she’s fun to root for. She’s good.

4) Jennifer

Jenny’ boot episode is one of the most horrific things to watch in Survivor history and I’m including Skupin burning his hands off. You get to watch every agonizing second of her plan falling apart, her realization that the story she wrote in her head was not going to happen. She thought she was going to be the badass who overcame a bug in her ear, rallied the women, and took down the big bad men. Nope. Not even a little bit. Watching her grovel for her survival is like watching Simba try to poke Mufasa alive, except better. And the best part is that you know Scot and Jason still regretted keeping Alecia over her. God bless.

3) Tai

So Kaoh Rong is the Tai show, often a little too much for my tastes. A lot of times I found his incessant waffling a little grating. That being said, it’s incredible to see someone cast this late in the show’s run who can rival the all time great characters in terms of being larger than life. Tai really does fall into that category of characters like Rupert or Yau-Man, those people too strange and too unbelievable to be real, who not only make a huge impact on their season with their outlandishness, but whose outlandishness becomes an inextricable part of the season’s story. Tai’s eccentricities dominate the early episodes obviously, because the early episodes always focus on the weird people, but his personality is so real and so dynamic that it becomes a lasting part of the season. Tai is the kind of character who elevates seasons to another level because Tai could never become “just a number.” Every vote that involves Tai has to take into account who he is as a person, what his values are, and how to connect Tai the person with Tai the player, two very different people. And that’s Survivor, baby.

2) Cydney

I mean I think Cydney is pretty self-explanatory. She’s just a ton of fun. She doesn’t take shit and she’s a walking ball of petty conflict but she’s not abrasive. She’s funny and engaging and likable. Any time someone can be ope in how annoyed they are with everyone AND be a good player (shouts to Sandra) then you’re a good ass character.

1) Debbie

Debbie is a fucking revelation and anyone who doesn’t love her needs to be detained. I guess how you feel about Debbie depends on how genuine you find her antics, that kind of complete subjectivity between “I find this ridiculous person fun” and “I find this ridiculous person annoying.” For me, I not only believe that Debbie is completely genuine in her absurdity, but I love damn near everything she did, the manic intensity with which she approached the game, and just the weird ways she talked with people. Like, Aubry would tell her they should vote Julia and Debbie tells her incredibly passionately “Yes. I completely respect how you think—I think your perspective is absolutely incredible. But no.” She is so delightful. God bless Debbie.

Ok I'm done now yay.

I said a lot of words about Micronesia here. Now I'll say words about the cast instead!!!:

20) Joel - Still exactly as much of a douche as I remembered and one of the easiest and most obvious last place picks for any cast ever even if he isn't the lowest-ranked. His entire episode five display is gross on a bunch of levels and I'm done typing words about him now.

Rank given: 20/20 for Micronesia; 437/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: lol obviously, as far as Micronesia goes. Surprised he didn't end up lower for the overall ranking, though, and I do think that one is too high. I mean, above Carolina and Stephenie 3.0?

19) Natalie - I don't really hate Natalie like some others do, and there is a significant gap between her and Joel that this ranking can't really highlight - but she still falls decidedly below the Ashby line. I like her jury question, and I sort of like her general presentation - that Tammy-esque cutthroat take-no-shit kind of personality - buuut it also manifested itself in really lame ways. Her comments about Jason were mostly annoying, she's easily the most sexist part of the season, and she's so wildly UTR that her entire existence is pretty much pointless. I don't think she's awful, but she is one of the laziest (non-Nick Brown) characters ever on the show, and if you replace her with anyone else, the season is almost certainly better.

She ultimately feels like a cheap knockoff of Corinne who is in turn a cheap knockoff of someone who's actually fun or interesting. So, yeah, I'll pass.

Rank given: 17/20 for Micronesia; 298/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: Yeah. I'd have her a bit lower but I don't think she's awful or anything, a middling placement is totally fine for someone as irrelevant as her.

18) Parvati - Parvati admittedly did more to entertain me than a couple of the ones immediately above her - but for the winner of the season, not nearly enough more. She has one of the weakest stories of any winner: she's basically irrelevant to the whole thing then suddenly surfaces to the riveting level of a gamebot. The BWB confessional is fun, the part where she ropes Amanda into all these alliances is fun, but those are like exactly two moments out of the entire season. By the time we reach the final two, I am still totally unsold on her as an interesting finalist, let alone a Survivor champion. Her win is very unsatisfying, which is something I think is wrong with the season, which in turn makes her weaker as a character than someone like Mary, because Parvati leaves me actively unsatisfied and disappointed while Mary leaves me with nothing. Honestly, if I were watching this live rather than after HvV (where she finally does start to come into her own as a character), I can't help but think that I wouldn't feel too differently about Parvati Shallow, Survivor Player after Micronesia than I felt before it. I didn't watch the season live so I'm not sure, but I definitely wouldn't feel like she's as much of an icon as she more justifiably is now.

Rank given: 16/20 for Micronesia; 296/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: Yeppers.

17) Mary - The fact that Joel sucks and her vote-off was pretty b.s. would cause me to rank her above Brook Geraghty, at least.

Rank given: 19/20 for Micronesia; 390/501 overall

Is this rank appropriate?: Obviously.

16) Alexis - Seemed sort of likable for the five seconds that they showed her I guess.

Rank given: 18/20 for Micronesia; 319/501 overall

Is this rank appropriate?: It's Alexis.

15) Jonathan - Kind of a douche, but I guess not in a way that really made any individual scene or episode hard to watch, and ultimately, I at least like that they were willing to give a medevac and early boot a fairly visible and well-rounded edit. But mostly I don't really care about him in this season. Idk. He's a memorable presence who isn't awful so I guess that makes him deserve to rank this high.

Rank given: 6/20 for Micronesia; 116/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: Yeaaah no. Way too high even if he has some fun challenge banter and the medevac was fun. That's, like, Passable Pre-Merger Level stuff, not nearly top 100 level.

14) Yau-Man - His JFP arc and voting confessional <3

His JFP arc and voting confessional being the only thing we really saw of him in three episodes </3

Rank given: 13/20 for Micronesia; 230/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: Yup.

13) Chet - A useful prop I sort of root for against Joel.

Rank given: 9/20 for Micronesia; 186/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: It's significantly higher than I would have him, which is weird because I'd previously always considered myself a bigger fan of Chet than most people, but I still think it's appropriate and reasonable, yeah. He's a big part of the story, fits his role well, is kinda likable, but the way he's utilized in the story just doesn't resonate to the tune of top 200 for me because I have very little investment in anything he actually said or did, I'm just happy someone who sucks so bad in challenges outlasted Joel.

12) Eliza - Stickgate is fucking hilarious rofl. Her total overconfidence in that episode is a glorious enough story to rank her this high, not quite enough to make up for her never really doing anything else interesting.

Rank given: 7/20 for Micronesia; 121/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: Eh, no. She is a really minor and generic part of the season up until her boot episode. Even her relationship with Jason isn't built up at all before the merge episode itself, iirc, it's really not a well-told story. 150 or so would be an appropriate place to have her while still having a gap between that ranking and my own.

11) Ami - I kind of like seeing the more vulnerable Ami in this season. We didn't see much of it or get much development on it, admittedly, but I still find myself really, really rooting for her and being drawn to the screen in her boot episode. I would have liked a bigger edit and actual focus on Hero Ami this season. And because we didn't get a bigger one or any real focus outside of when she was immediately relevant at the very end, I can't really justify ranking her any higher, but I did really enjoy what we got.

Rank given: 8/20 for Micronesia; 175/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: 175 might be a bit generous, probably more around 200 or so I think, but I'm fine with her being ranked higher than she arguably deserves because I do like her. So it's fine.

10) James - When Micronesia James is in my top half for a cast, you know it isn't one of the better Survivor casts. Still, <3 @ his vaguely Bitter Betty-ish-ness towards Parvati, consumption of bats, and Costeau reference. He was a better character in this season than I expected, even if he was very underutilized.

Rank given: 10/20 for Micronesia; 192/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: Are bats tastier without the skin?

9) Tracy - Tracy has been hailed as an "underrated" contestant for so long that some argue it's swung around into the other direction; at any rate, she certainly isn't underrated anymore, because she's always one of the first contestants people bring up as an early boot with untapped potential. While I don't really agree with her status as the #1 Could-Have-Been Early Boot Of All Time Always And Forever.. I do still think she's an interesting "could have been" character. I liked the energy that she brought into the season and the emotion she injected into her strategy, and I liked that, for all the talk of her being an underrated player, she was actually kind of weird and aggressive. I do think she had the potential to be a more interesting character - even if I don't feel as strongly about that as her fans do, it is hard to deny that she had a really distinctive presence and energy.

Buuut fact is we didn't see much of that energy, her presence didn't last long, and she ultimately wasn't a very interesting character, so here she is. Still, she made the early episodes a little brighter.

Rank given: 14/20 for Micronesia; 235/501 overall

Is this rank appropriate?: It's at the low end of what I'd consider arguably appropriate for her, but yeah. I think she could be like anywhere from 170 to 239 and it'd be reasonable, give or take. I would have her a bit higher but think this is still within the bounds of a legit ranking for the Tracy we got.

8) Mikey B - Mikey B had a kind of contagious enthusiasm and had some colorful confessionals, and I ultimately felt bad for him at both his TCs because it's tough to see Joel's total douchebaggery cost him the game. (On the other hand, I do get sort of tryhard-ish vibes from him that make me think he actually would have been less likable had we seen more of him; this "I'm sad he went home early :( " role is probably the best one he could have ever fit, preventing me from really being sad he went home early.) But, whether he would have been a douche with more episodes or not, I like his four-episode presence and what an enthusiastic and committed guy he is. I like him and he made the early episodes a little more colorful and had a good story.

Rank given: 15/20 for Micronesia; 241/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: I think he was a memorable and entertaining presence with a decent short-term storyline and should crack the top 200. He shouldn't go too deep into it and certainly not 150 level, but I definitely think he should be top 200 and not below Jerry, Brett, Tocantins JT, Whitney, Frosti, Chad, Joel Klug, Yau from this season... Definitely should be ranked more around Dolly level.

7) Amanda - So okay, for all the shit Amanda gets (and all the praise), I think that in her own weird and ironic way, she is actually a pretty consistently fun background character this season, no more and no less. I mean, there were a LOT of Amanda moments that made me laugh. I really do not want to no-sell what a gem of background comedy Amanda is. If you watch for her and realize how pointless or vapid almost everything she says and does is, you will be amazed. Like her weird freaking laugh during one strategic talk in the cave, or when Cirie is nearly passing out from fear in the water and Amanda just laughs and goes "Cirie! You're scared!", or when she tells Cirie to vote out Joel because then they can win Reward Challenges (because her image of Cirie is still Panama Premiere Cirie who would want nothing other than some nice blankets), or one part where she awkwardly tells Cirie "Give me some sugar..... baby!", hold up why do all the best Amanda moments involve Cirie?? Her Alexis jealousy is also a fun little character scene. Basically, remember when Amanda sucks at lying to Parvati in the HvV merge and just goes "MY HEAD HURTS"? If you watch for Amanda throughout most of the season, shit like that is all she's ever doing, and it's good stuff. Usually very low-key and you have to consciously reflect on everything she says to notice it, but it's worth it. She's just a kind of awkward person with an aura I can't really describe but definitely laugh at, and I sort of get why she's such a Sucks meme after this rewatch.

But I think putting her at #7 does appreciate that, and she also sort of makes the season worse: all of this stuff is, as I say, totally in the background - then in the last few episodes Amanda suddenly emerges as a strategist and it gets kind of funky... and more than that, there is really 0 story with her to where she still feels like a wildly underwhelming finalist. I don't think they were really trying to build up any story or character of any sort with Amanda, and that hurts the season when you suddenly get to an FTC between her and the also poorly-built-up Parvati.

Still, though, she made me smile even more than most of the people ranked above her. Also, even in the endgame, one fun thing is how she constantly insists that she didn't actually lie about the Idol. I remember her saying "I didn't have it THENNN so I didn't LIEEE" at the Tribal Council itself, obviously, but what I forgot is that she says that same freaking thing while telling Parvati she has the clues and back at camp after playing it. She's, like, so proud of this loophole she discovered and it's so weirdly endearing, because girl nobody cares if you lied about the Idol when they were voting you out, or if they did they won't stop caring just because of your loophole... and on top of all of that, her loophole doesn't even freaking hold water. What she says when she gets back to camp, and then again at Tribal Council, is that she couldn't find it because the current was too strong - so she's very committed to this "I didn't technically lie!" loophole nobody else would ever care about anyway... and then she actually breaks its legitimacy by outright lying rofl.

Anyways, I give Amanda a solid, like, 6.8/10 as a character in this season, and that is way higher than I expected. Not in the way the producers seemingly want me to - they want me to see her as an unironic 9/10, and she is really, like, a worthless 2/10, but she's so funny in her worthlessness that it circles around to her somehow actually being a good character in some twisted, ungodly way. In any case, I'm a fan.

Rank given: 11/20 for Micronesia; 200/501 overall

Is this rank appropriate?: I'm gonna go ahead and say that pretty much any ranking of Micronesiamanda outside of the top or bottom 30 is appropriate. She's like objectively pointless but her particular brand of that is ironically funny, while also sort of being a likable person. I don't even know, what a weird presence.

6) "Fairplay" - Fairplay was shaping up to have a pretty freaking epic return: He comes out dressed as Probst and it's fucking amazing, then they make fun of each other and it's fucking amazing, then he has a feud with Yau-Man and it's fucking AMAZING <3, then somehow, despite being the guy who should absolutely go home first no matter what, he ends up as the freaking swing vote, and it's fucking amazing...

Then it just sort of ends.

Obviously I don't blame him for effectively quitting or whatever, because I'm not Spencer Bledsoe or the excuses Jeff Probst uses to cover up his own personal feuds. Fairplay is still a legend, he's still one of the most entertaining one-episode characters in this season, and even his quit gives us the humor of no players knowing whether it's serious - but still, the part where he suddenly decides to leave, while it isn't bad or anything, it's just... weird. Especially when the reasons aren't really shown on TV, and you can kind of tell even from the episode that something is amiss. So it's like, the foundations of a totally epic, all-time legendary return are here... and then they just sort of disappear with a really funky exit.

But still, those foundations were wicked entertaining and I honestly think they retroactively enhance his legacy, so I still rate this return a success. Just not as great a success as it could have been.

(Also, underrated part of the Micronesia Fairplay experience: how everyone calls him "Fairplay". In Pearl Islands, people usually just call him Jon - at the very least, they almost always write "Jon" on their ballots, because yeah sometimes he openly says "Jonny Fairplay" but to their faces, he's mostly just a guy named Jon. But this time around, almost every single ballot says "Fairplay". In fact most of them don't even say "Jonny Fairplay", it's JUST "Fairplay". That's how freaking successful a legacy the guy created for himself: people start calling him entirely by his self-ascribed nickname, to the point where they ditch the half that was his actual name to begin with. He becomes larger than himself. He's no longer Jon the human being or the Survivor player - even in the eyes of the other players, he's this giant dramatic being of "Fairplay".)

Rank given: 5/20 for Micronesia; 108/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: Probably a bit more generous than I would be but not by much and definitely a legit ranking.

5) Ozzy - I originally had Ozzy even higher in this before deciding to stop underrating some members of the top four. Ozzy is a pretty dang effective character in this season. By and large, Ozzy's appeal is kind of hard to describe: he's just good at occupying this really delicious, like, halfway point between inoffensive alpha male and guy you root against. He's really secure in his position, and his strong confidence in that kind of veers towards the territory of cockiness - but without him ever actually being outright arrogant. It makes his blindside feel both justified, due to the borderline overconfidence, and satisfying, due to what a truly threatening position in the game he occupied that brought about that overconfidence in the first place - but at the same time, it makes me also pretty much see where he's coming from and not think he's a bad guy. There's a great duality where I both like Ozzy and also totally get why people are rubbed the wrong way by and root against him, and I can't really describe a lot of Survivor antagonists that way. In Edgic terms, he is pretty much MOR leaning towards but not quite hitting MORN and it is great.

I also think there's something fundamentally interesting about a player like Ozzy or Andrew Savage or James (I might rewatch China just for this reason) - someone who absolutely always is going to be an early post-merge target for super obvious reasons, but sincerely seems to not expect it on any level, and they talk about how people who play individual games and flip on their allies are mutineers, discarding human beings, pieces of shit, wimpy non-leaders, or eating apples, depending which of these guys we're hearing from. With a player like that, I genuinely don't know where sincere convictions about what's morally justified in Survivor end and their own self-interest begins, and that is always interesting to watch. (Or maybe it isn't really a matter of one of them ending or beginning - maybe a lot of players would ideally like to have the values these guys have, but they can't because then they'd never make the end? Someone like Cirie can't worry about loyalty, because being loyal won't win her the game. These guys having the comfortable position from the beginning means that everyone being loyal will benefit them, which allows and/or forces them to start talking about how important loyalty is... idk.) I mean certainly it's not a coincidence that you don't ever get a player like Cirie talking about the importance of not eating the apple, it is always the players who would directly benefit from people not eating apples. And I don't know where exactly that comes from, but in any case it's interesting to watch, both because it's ambiguous and because the particular brand of self-righteousness it generates keeps the spirit of Pagong alive. Or the spirit of Barramundi at least.

And then what makes Ozzy even better is that he really does get to inject some personality into that role. He's, like... I mean, what would you expect out of a 26-year-old guy from Venice who forms a showmance with Amanda Kimmel? Ozzy is basically that, which gives us his confessional about how Amanda "wrestled a four-foot shark by herself" like ten seconds after we see her walk up to its corpse sitting there in the net rofl.

More particularly, Ozzy gave us Stickgate. And giving us Eliza and Jason's mistakes is a wonderful addition to the story - but more than that, there's the fact that Ozzy freaking did it to begin with. Ozzy carved three lines into a random stick and decided it was a good enough fake Idol, and it never, ever should have worked. Ozzy deciding that a goddamn stick is as good as the real thing is almost as hilarious and baffling as Jason actually thinking it's the real thing, and who on Earth besides Ozzy would have done that? His "Jeff, come on! That took HOURS to make!" line after Probst burns it then adds a touch of self-awareness to the whole thing and is probably the funniest quote of the season.

...And in a way it's the opposite of self-aware, because not many players besides Ozzy would lampshade their own complacence like that by joking about how they barely even tried to create a fake Idol - which is simultaneously implicitly saying the person who just played the fake Idol and has now had their game wrecked is an idiot for believing it. Once again, Ozzy straddles the line between "not really doing anything wrong" and "sort of douchey" while still not quite being a douche. <3

And then after all of this, we have Ozzy's colossal fucking headscratcher of a clusterfuck jury speech, which would be a giant post unto itself if I even tried to tap into its glory and wonder, but I probably never even will because that shit defies commentary, so instead, I will just say that it is one of the best jury speeches ever and leave it at that. <3

Rank given: 10/20 for Micronesia; 193/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: I think he should at least be a bit higher. I'd maybe have him like 120 or so, I think he should be at least 170ish. But the 10 and 193 rankings keep him right next to Amanda in the ranking so it's okay.

4) Jason - So here's the funniest and most underrated moment of the entire season: Airai wins a food reward - some meat or something - and it's sizzling on the grill. Jason comments in a really elated voice about how even more than the food, he loves to just hear the crackling of the fire and smell the meal cooking... and then a giant fucking wave comes up and crashes onto their beach and extinguishes the fire no more than four fucking seconds after Jason says that. Seriously, I'm not joking: Jason talks specifically about how awesome the fire is, and a giant wave from the ocean immediately crashes up on the beach and puts out the fire. And the scene is presented in a pretty seamless way that makes it more or less impossible for this to have even been an editing trick (although it'd be funny in a totally different way if it were.) "God hates Jason Siska" was written as a joke on the Funny 115, but after watching that scene, I honestly think it's true. Even with all of the blindsides and weird Amanda moments and adorable Erik moments, this is hands down the funniest part of the season.

More broadly, this guy was an dumbass. I mean wow.

And like... I'm imagining someone who has never seen the season seeing this ranking and that one sentence, and telling me "Okay, Dabu, I'm not reading all of your ranking because it'll spoil the season, but can someone simply being bad at Survivor really rank them that high?" And I tell them why yes, it absolutely can, go watch Micronesia and you'll understand. And they say "Alright, I guess I'll go watch it, but I mean... I don't know. Kim isn't a good or bad character just for being good at Survivor, so surely just being bad shouldn't affect a character's merit, either. 'This player was dumb' just seems like too simple a rationale for a top 4 character, so I dunno..."

And then they watch Micronesia and are like "....................oh.

....yup. okay. I get it now."

See, it isn't just that Jason was dumb or bad at Survivor. Natalie Tenerelli was bad at Survivor and who cares about her. It's that he was so fucking astoundingly dumb and bad in such magical, outlandish, cartoonish ways. And the guy has a general aura of goofballitude that enhances how dumb his mistakes are, and the part where he interrupts Probst right before the votes to try and tell everyone how to vote in the most weirdly dramatic, roundabout way is glorious.

What sold me on him even more is realizing how his blindside is narratively fulfilling on a very, very meta level that almost feels divine or something. At first his blindside seems a little less dramatic than the Tribal Council before it... but then I realize, go figure... after all of Jason's beliefs that he was just like Ozzy when really he was just the cheap, dollar-store knockoff... even his blindside is just the cheap, dollar-store knockoff of Ozzy's.

Also he called Eliza Orlins "baby" which rofl

Rank given: 3/20 for Micronesia; 68/501 overall

Is this rank appropriate?: Definitely. I would probably have him a bit lower on the overall side of things, but yes.

3) Cirie - I actually originally had Cirie at #7, but then kept boosting her up until she was here. Cirie was pretty gamebotty this season, which prevents Micro Cirie from being an all-time favorite of mine the way Panama Cirie is - but not in such a way or to such an extent that she should fall out of the top three. In certain situations, purely strategic content can be interesting - particularly when that strategy tells me something interesting about the person who's doing it. "I am splitting the vote" or "I am looking for an Idol" don't really do this, but I think Cirie's content does. When Cirie completely mindfucks her alliance into voting off Joel, a move that benefits literally nobody on the tribe besides herself (and the alternate boot target), watching her do that is actually pretty damn entertaining and fascinating. Sometimes, strategy can become character. This never really happens for a Spencer Bledsoe, but it does happen into Cirie as she morphs into this larger-than-life figure who can allegedly talk anyone into anything. That's the way they talk about her in the endgame, and it's... really not unwarranted.

Additionally, considering Cirie's storyline in Panama, I think a more strategic focus is actually the most logical evolution for her character to take: the idea of Panama Cirie is that she goes from being the woman who was scared of leaves into a confident strategic mastermind - so what's the most reasonable next step for her character? Naturally, it's to show that, yes, the final stage of that transformation really did carry forward, as we see Cirie being a confident strategist from day one. The 3-2-1 vote in Panama is great, but you could argue she was capitalizing on how people were voting anyway and more or less getting her allies (Aras/Danielle) to do what was equally in their own best interest. Of course she still deserves full credit for that - but using her position as a swing vote to unilaterally remove someone nobody else wants out of the game in episode three? Getting people to want someone out of the game they have no reason to target in episode five? The Ozzy blindside and coming up with the epic Erik one? It's like Cirie evolves throughout Panama, and then here she Mega-Evolves into her final stage where she's bringing full power to everything and you're pretty much fucked. Her Panama growth arc retroactively feels more legitimate and more powerful for her incredible performance here.

Equally important, Cirie isn't just a gamebot in this season. More of one than in Panama, for sure - but she still gets "Back across the ocean." She still gets to comment on Ozzy's showmances. She still gets the finger-licking scene with Erik. It may not be as much as she gets in Panama - but it keeps her presence as the positive force it was in Panama and makes her someone who isn't just an incredible, dynamic player but is also a fun personality.

And then we get her depressing final words where ugh just fuck you Survivor producers I mean fucking seriously.

Her content is still a little too game-driven and her story arguably lacks a legitimate enough resoltion for her to rank #1 or anything. But she is still a better character than I initially gave her credit for in this season.

Rank given: 1/20 for Micronesia; 42/501 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: I think it's stretching the upper bounds of what I'd say is appropriate - maybe like five spots too high to be quite appropriate - but more or less, yeah. It's probably 20-30 spots higher than I'd have her personally.

2) Kathy - Kathy had a pretty damn effective Survivor presence. It's one that I think kind of speaks for itself but that still really lands with me. At first she's basically this kooky, sheltered, more offensive clone of Wanda and it's delightful. I love the mini story arc of her being a huge Yau-Man fan and then he helps her find an Idol, and then her making her first homogaymanfriend or whatever is, like, the kind of moment you're not quite sure how to react to but ultimately it's endearing and funny. <3

After a few episodes of Kathy filling this role, where she's sort of a zany caricature but it's all still sort of rooted in at least some degree of clear humanity, she then has a miserable breakdown, which I already mentioned in my season-long recap, but basically, as much as it is arguably one of the most voyeuristic Survivor moments ever, it still feels dramatic and uncomfortable in a "Survivor is uncomfortable" way rather than negatively unsettling in an "I shouldn't be watching this" way. It's sufficiently based in the elements (at least on-screen) that it feels like it really drives home how awful Survivor is. I think it is really one of the most rough, raw things we've ever seen on the show and, while I obviously don't know enough to judge this, I imagine it's one of the most accurate depictions of Survivor's unpleasant elements, because it highlights just how awful the things the Survivors come to accept as everyday through someone who never made that adjustment, the kind of perspective you can maybe only get from someone who on a basic psychological level is so far removed from their everyday feelings.

Altogether I think her #SurvivorBreakdown isn't just the high point of Micronesia but arguably one of the best and most unique things across the entire show in general and absolute must-watch material for any Survivor fan, and it really hits me as a viewer and is one of the most feels-inducing Survivor moments. All in all, pretty satisfyingly miserable cocktail party.

Rank given: 4/20 for Micronesia; 97/101 overall.

Is this rank appropriate?: I think it's a couple of tens too low.

1) Erik - Erik gets very little story and should have been a more consistent character, perhaps preventing him from being as high an all-time great as I'd have had him before this, but I still ultimately don't care because he's adorable and funny and generally everything that Sleckman's medequit is not. <3 When I think of him as a character I really don't even think of the giving up Immunity, I just think of what a fun sunny goofball he was and how fun it was to watch him have fun. And that's all I gotta say unless I were to just recap moments everyone remembers. He's fun.

Rank given: 2/20 for Micronesia; 51/501 overall

Is this rank appropriate?: Lower than I would have him but definitely appropriate given how inconsistent his focus was.

/r/SurvivorRankdown Exclusive: The only Survivor I've watched in over a year has been All-Stars, Micronesia, Cagayan, Cambodia, and a season that ended on a big fizzling for me with the jury twist. I have a big itch for something old-school, something classic - so I will go with the most classic of the classic. I will rebound from these consecutive rewatches of my #21 season (Cagayan), bottom 3 season (All-Stars), and #19 season (Micronesia) with my all-time favorite season in Survivor history. It's time to go back to Pulau Tiga and revisit Borneo in full for the first time in probably five or six years.

lol i finished this rewatch in like january and actually did most of this post then but i'm only finishing and posting it now. fuck all-stars

but okay i'll just copypaste what i wrote then add onto the ending part i hadn't finished.

I have finished my All-Stars rewatch! So now, as a few people have asked me about, I'll do this thing.

Here's a post I just made about the season on the main sub. I knew the boot order sucked, I knew episode six would be awful, but I was absolutely unprepared for how fucking awful everything else was, too. Seriously, it's like a giant black hole appeared in Panama and sucked up everything that could possibly be light or fun or interesting in any way, and this empty mess of disappointments is what we were left with. This is absolutely irredeemable garbage - and I went into it with high expectations and high hopes. I wanted to like it... but my god, it made it utterly impossible.

On my personal ranking, there have always been two ironclad, absolute truths: my top three is Borneo/Marquesas/Pearl Islands, and my bottom three is Cook Islands/Redemption Island/Caramoan. Unless something better or worse came along that doesn't exist yet, I've been 100% set on these rankings at the most extreme ends of the Survivor quality spectrum, and I never for a second, in years, have even imagined that they could change.

But All-Stars is truly unyielding in its commitment to being as simultaneously pointless and obnoxious as possible! So this season has managed to do the unthinkable and push Cook Islands out of my bottom three. Take Cao Boi, Jonathan, and the firemaking challenge out of Cook Islands, replace them with episode six, and what you're left with is pretty much Survivor: All-Stars.

I mean I am being colorful and over-the-top in this wording here, but don't confuse that with All-Stars being some colorful or season. It's not. It's just grey and empty and dreary. That is why it's so awful. Just... blech. There is literally no reason to watch this outside of wanting to watch every season.

SO! Cast time.

18) Kathy - My opinion of Kathy coming out of the season is more or less the same as it was going in, so I don't really want or need to reflect on her any further. Fortunately, her relevance to the story is limited entirely to the lame shit I remembered; she isn't the consistently awful presence I feared she might be. Most of the time, she just has no presence at all, but every now and then she rears her venom-spewing head just to be absolutely disgusting... basically a perfect microcosm for the season, which is also, more or less, totally forgettable except for when it wants to be repulsive. Her horrific bullshit about Sue "dragging everyone down into her core of hatred" is almost without question the most disgusting thing in the entire history of Survivor and all the justification I need to put her this low.

Where did we rank him/her?: 17/18 for All-Stars; 481/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: Definitely. I do think she especially should have ranked below Beckys and Sundras, and obviously the infamous cuts like Jolanda/Garrett, though. And I would also have her below the less-hatable-but-still-awful contestants like Kenny, Jane, or either Cochran - but this is more or less a fine spot for her. Higher than I'd like, but it's still bottom 20, so.

17) Rob M. - Woooow, this was a shock. I honestly thought I might enjoy Rob as a villain here, and for the first few episodes, I did, as I did in Marquesas. But by the time it was over, Rob was... just... such a thoroughly awful Survivor character. He was relentless in his quest to be as disgusting as possible, laughing even weeks later about betraying a close friendship, insulting Tom's kid to the cameras, and doing the fucking repulsive song after Sue's breakdown, which... speaks for itself - and he proved with his brother that he wasn't just playing it up for the cameras but was actually that much of a fuck. In Marquesas, and even early in this season, he's fun to watch because his jabs are witty and feel like they're being played up for TV, but here, not only does his sincerity become apparent, but eventually his witty mockery turns into just blatant insults. There's nothing fun or cute about saying "You're a dumbass. What a dumbass." That isn't some clever or snappy one-liner; that's just... swearing to insult someone. Ugh. He just leaves me needing a shower.

But wait, there's more! Rob was also at the center of the paaaainfully predictable boot order. And he was one half of Romber, the most riveting love story ever... except no, because how the hell am I supposed to root for or enjoy their sappy romance when Rob is a total cock? And how can I be invested in "Rob and Amber love each other" when that sentence is literally the only thing I know about Amber? Half of their relationship is confined entirely to the relationship; the other half is All-Stars Rob. No thanks.

So he's a gross person at the center of a game that makes garbage television and half of a weak, weak story. Easily one of the weakest Survivor characters ever created ever; Kathy's just so gross on a personal level that I can't bring myself to rank him lower than her. But... wow. It's like he was engineered in a lab to ruin the season.

Where did we rank him/her?: 14/18 for All-Stars; 447/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: All-Stars ranking is fine: these ones on the bottom are all so awful that the order really doesn't matter. But above 50 other contestants? Outside of the bottom tenth in the show's history? That is a little much - and even more than that, I'm surprised it happened. I'm not really irked by it, even though I disagree, just surprised, but I can take solace in knowing ELB probably has even more regret about not cutting him earlier, so.

16) Tom - During this one glorious span of like fifteen seconds, Tom said Shii Ann would align with a bush and accidentally voiced his fantasies about his neighbor's sister. In those fifteen seconds, he was as funny as he usually was in Africa. Other than that? Frustrating in the endgame, disgusting in episode six, and pointless otherwise. (If I'm bringing up episode six a lot, it's because, for so many of these people, it is seriously the only freaking time they're memorable. Also it's horrible and deserves to be brought up a lot. But it's not like I'm letting it outweigh miles of good content; so many contestants just... don't have good content in this season.)

Where did we rank him/her?: 13/18 for All-Stars; 442/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: 442 is deffffinitely too high and I wish he had been much lower, but oh well. All-Stars ranking is fine.

15) Jenna L. - This ranking is interesting because I actually don't reaaaally personally hate Jenna Lewis like some people do and like I probably did when I was fifteen or something. It's a totally understandable bandwagon to get on, viewing Jenna Lewis as some actually offensive personality like Rob M. or something, since she's the voice of the anti-winner thing then plays into Romber at the end and also made a sex tape around the time of the season and has her voice. But that really isn't why I am ranking her low; I honestly think Jenna L. is a stellar casting choice whom, fuck it, I'd be okay with seeing on the show again. She seems to see herself as the most OTTP cheerleader ever, which makes her likable while also being a catalyst for drama since she's so unaware of how she's really being perceived, and she's a hella cutthroat player - especially here as a former Pagong member. JLew's "Pagong Strikes Back" story sounds amazing here, in theory - JLew comes in with a chip on her shoulder about being seen as "the dumb tribe" and plays an even more cutthroat game now than she wanted to then. That sounds awesome.

But the big problem with Jenna is that she just... doesn't have much of a story here. That makes her first two episodes seem a loooot more annoying in hindsight, and it makes her dead weight in an otherwise horrible alliance... aaaand because she's on Chapera, she had to also get her own gross comment in about how I guess Sue WASN'T a reliable tribe member after all!! I still think Jenna's a way interesting casting choice, but... that comment was fucked-up and disgusting, does solidify her as personally objectionable in this season, makes me dislike her since it far eclipses the emotional response I get from anything else she ever says or does, and through her entire season of irrelevance, she does nothing to change my mind.

She says one disgusting thing, but I don't necessarily think she's disgusting or was too actively involved in ruining the season... but she's dead weight that helps those that are all of those things, so. My love for her as a casting choice doesn't really undo the end result we actually got, which is basically nothing other than some annoyance and grossness.

Where did we rank him/her?: 15/18 for All-Stars; 458/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: Eh. All-Stars ranking is too low considering who it is beneath; she's really not worse for the season than Rob, and her unlikable content is less prevalent as Tom's, which is also far worse. I think the ASS JLew hate is sliightly overblown and I definitely don't think she should be below those two. But the overall placement is definitely good or even generous.

14) Amber - This is something I did not expect! I thought, okay, even if Rob sucked (which I didn't really expect him to), Amber plays "good cop" and is sweet, right? She'll probably be like Danni or Sally Schumann or something, fundamentally likable even if I don't care a ton, with an okay background story? But... nope. Amber's story was Romber, and nothing else... which makes Romber actively weak, because how can I care about a couple when one of their characters comes down entirely to "is a member of this couple"? And she as much as Rob is a part of the horribly, horribly unsatisfying post-merge game. So she is a super weak character... and on top of that, she was basically as involved in the awful mockery of Sue as anyone else. Was she the one singing and dancing? No, but she was the hilarious one applauding it and telling the camera how this just makes Chapera the upbeat, FUN tribe!

Amber, you are not the fun tribe. You are Chapera.

Buuuut even outside of that one quote, Amber is still a bafflingly weak character with an annoyingly weak story and altogether an astoundingly pointless winner.

Where did we rank him/her?: 5/18 for All-Stars; 202/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: Nooot even a little, and I am honestly pretty surprised Solondz kept her in that long. She is a nearly totally empty character, and her story is awful, so... yeah, no. Way too high. She is not some likable, bubbly force that ever did anything to make the season better.

13) Rupert - And just like that, the entire final five is out! Rupert said early on that he was going to lay low this time after being so alpha in Pearl Islands, and unfortunately, he held to that. He played a great, quiet game... and Rupert Boneham being a smart, quiet player is exactly as interesting as you'd expect, since "smart", "quiet", and "player" really aren't the words I associate with why he's usually great. So for the most part, I just forget Rupert is even on this season, because he... wasn't "Rupert." I think part of it is his strategy and part of it is being on such a hard season soon after his first one; unfortunately, it seems that, under the right circumstances and with the right motives, even Rupert's energy can be killed. He did have soooome fun Rupert-ish moments along the way, like mentioning Shawn or just some of his quirky-ish narration, but I can't remember them offhand, and digging them up to mention them here would be a stretch just because I like him in his other seasons. Although the shelter was obviously hilarious. I love that shit.

Anyhoo. The reason why he ranks low instead of more towards the middle is, ONCE AGAIN, episode six. I feel like a broken record mentioning it, but Chapera talking about Sue is the most disgusting thing ever on the show, so if that means that my entire bottom six is based in part on those several scenes alone... then oh well, that's what it means, because it was fucking awful and the rest of the season is incredibly forgettable and pointless. Rupert talked a bunch about how he was sooo sure Sue had an AGENDA. Ick. And since that's somehow his only interesting content in almost any episode... here he stands; like JLew, he's mostly just dead weight. I am happy he dug a hole in the sand, though. (Although even that was soooomewhat less fun on the rewatch than I remembered. Still fun tho.)

Where did we rank him/her?: 8/18 for All-Stars; 284/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: Eeehhhhhh. I'm mildly okay with it because All-Stars is such a barren season that I can't blame people for clinging to the only member of the merge tribe who even comes close to resembling a worthwhile Survivor character. But that still doesn't make it an appropriate placement, no. I can definitely see ranking him higher than I do if you weigh the shelter thing more strongly than the Sue commentary, but for someone who has like one memorable and good scene across an entire season, 8 and 284 still feel a bit high.

12) Lex - Lex was basically just an irritating footnote for me. I wanted to like him as a character going into the season, but no reason to get into all of that, because I didn't. I'm incredibly frustrated that I didn't because his story has some resemblance to one that would be amazing, but I didn't. As most people agree, he was a douchey hypocrite and not particularly interesting about it. But he wasn't as awful as others and wasn't in the awful Chapera group, and honestly with how much everything else has already sucked I basically only have the energy left to roll my eyes when Lex starts talking. He's just another unfortunate cherry on top of this nauseating sundae. I don't hate him as passionately as others, but that is mostly because watching All-Stars kind of kills my ability to feel passionate about anything by the end.

Where did we rank him/her?: 18/18 for All-Stars; 484/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: He should for sure be below Kathy and Tom, but otherwise, while I'd rank him less low myself, that's a fair and legit placement. His manner of sucking just bugs me less than others, and his story feels more like an awkward footnote than something infuriating.

11) Richard - He was fun in the first four episodes, although even there he wasn't OMG FUCKING ASTOUNDING TOP TIER PRE-MERGER like I remembered - he was pretty good, but not great, and sometimes felt a little forced; the shark scene, though, was the main strong one. That scene was amazing, and outside of that, while he wasn't phenomenal, he was typically fun. However, he then proceeded to get naked and rub his genitals on someone without their consent... so... ....yeah....

Where did we rank him/her?: 2/18 for All-Stars; 89/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: Nooot at all. What he did to Sue was fucking gross, even if he meant it as a joke. Yeah, this season is bad enough, I like some of his stuff enough, and I love his Borneo stuff enough to want to view him as an awesome pre-merger and give the season something worthwhile... but he isn't one. Not going to overlook sexual fucking assault because he made me laugh sometimes, and I don't agree with other people doing it, either. And even without that awfulness I still think top 100 is too high - and this is coming from someone who once had him in their all-time top 10 rofl - he's just better on paper than in reality.

10) Colby - Eh. Little fun sometimes, little homophobic a few more times, uninteresting almost all of the times. He wasn't having fun and it showed, and he remains one of the all-time most forgettable iterations of any returning player.

Where did we rank him/her?: 6/18 for All-Stars; 217/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: Too high for this footnote of a Survivor return. It's not like he deserves a low placement... but he doesn't deserve anything quite this high, either.

9) Rob C - Eh. "Man of flame" joke was fun, though, and the part where he psyched them out with the Tree mail.

Where did we rank him/her?: 10/18 for All-Stars; 412/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: I don't think he deserves that low a ranking at all. He's okay. I get the rationale behind it, but I don't agree. But he's mostly forgettable so whatever.

8) Sue - I have mixed feelings in the first episodes but they're obviously strongly outweighed by the end of her story, which is a hard thing to comment on, but basically I'm just sorry that what happened to her happened to her and am happy that she seemed good with her experience at the reunion once she'd cleared her head a little.

Where did we rank him/her?: 11/18 for All-Stars; 433/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: Ehh. Depending on your perspective I get it in that she's not fun to watch, although then you'd think she'd be even lower. But I wouldn't rank her quite that low. But I don't mind a ton since at least she didn't rank below most of the ones who were actually awful about the whole thing. idk. I get low Sue rankings but I definitely do not agree with them.

7) Tina - Sort of ^_^ and bubbly throughout the first episode if you really, really, really watch for her. That makes her better than, like, Brook Geraghty - worse than everyone I actually care about. Her very minimal content here was a mildly okay continuation of her previous season.

Where did we rank him/her?: 9/18 for All-Stars; 405/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: See Rob C

6) Rudy - Is All-Stars Rudy. Mostly fun footnote with an inevitable early boot after he got injured and a good sendoff. And because it's All-Stars, he somehow ranks #6 in a cast of 18. lol

Where did we rank him/her?: 4/18 for All-Stars; 199/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: Sure why not

5) Jenna M. - Easy to like and root for, her quit was the best episode of the season, good albeit weird returning player story.

Where did we rank him/her?: 7/18 for All-Stars; 283/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: Yeah. I would maybe rank her higher, but she is way UTR in the first two episodes, and the third episode is more about circumstances than about her, so that's a reasonable and legitimate spot for her to rank.

4) Ethan - He's great in the first two episodes and in his boot, but what disappointed me is that that's... really all of his content. He almost totally disappears between them. Much as Kathy - fortunately - is not some consistently awful force but just a meh or irrelevant one with a few awful moments... Ethan mostly doesn't matter but has his few moments of awesomeness, with his commentary on Jenna early on and on Jerri later, and the decent TV of his failed attempts at proving his worth. I LOVE all of that stuff, it was great and made the best story-wise out of a shitty situation (I mean shitty for TV, not just for him.) But it was very minimal, with a lot of episodes of "eh" in between. Which I guess does make the Cambodia Woo comparison a little more accurate than I thought it was. He's never just a good character in this season; he's either stellar or irrelevant. And unfortunately, most of the time, he is the latter.

Where did we rank him/her?: 1/18 for All-Stars; 60/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: #1 for the season is totally legit. #60 overall... I don't think so, no. I just don't think the content is there for THAT high of a ranking. Top 100 is fair, but 60 puts him above Katie and Stephenie, above Teresa and Silas, above Paschal (fuck u i stand by it), above Jason and Sleckman and Russell Swan 2.0!!!! and waaay too many Nicaragua contestants. I think #80 or so would be a better placement while still higher than my own.

3) Jerri - "KEITH COULDN'T MAKE RICE. KEL GOT CAUGHT WITH BEEF JERKY." #knockknock

Like Ethan, it's some fantastic content mixed in with a lot of "eh." But her fantastic content is even better.

Where did we rank him/her?: 3/18 for All-Stars; 107/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: Higher overall than I have her but still reasonable.

I do think both Ethan and Jerri are successful enough sequels to their original return. But I still don't think they're as successful as characters within this season. The season adds good content to enhance the overall picture of "Ethan Zohn the Survivor character" or "Jerri Manthey's Survivor story" - but not much of it.

2) Shii Ann - Shii Ann, like Ethan and Jerri, was unfortunately a pretty minimal character in this season a lot of the time as well, with her peaks being the pretty memorable ones: her jury speech and her Immunity win are both highlights. Also props to her on hugging Sue and reacting the way you should in that situation. But being Shii Ann, she still isn't perfect; she's the person who's said to make allies with a bush, and I like the idea that she only voted for Amber to make herself look smart. It's a good continuation and enhancement of Thailand Shii Ann that provides some fun moments, the best of which are already the most memorable ones.

What brings her above Ethan and Jerri (and originally brought her to #1 in this ranking) is something I forgot about until the rewatch: her commentary on all Rich's shenanigs. Despite his low overall ranking, I do enjoy most of what Richard does here - and it wouldn't be the story it was without Shii Ann commenting on it, constantly flabbergasted by whatever he was doing. Watching her be so awestruck by Richard as a character was great, it's one of the very few times in Survivor that you get someone who seems to be watching the events around them as if they're a viewer at home watching the TV show. It enhances all of his content while also making her a fun and likable character of her own.

She is too spotty and irrelevant to a lot of the season to rank higher, in the season or overall, but I do still like her.

Where did we rank him/her?: 15/18 for All-Stars; 474/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: lol

1) Alicia - So a lot of people hate ASSlicia and I don't really get it? To be clear, while I'm ranking her #1, I am really not passionate about it or her, and the top four for this season are all pretty close. But I still don't think she warrants any degree of dislike, really, or get where it comes from. I think she's a forgettable contestant I happen to gravitate towards, and I can get others gravitating against her I suppose, but not hating her.

Anyways, as for my ranking of her - why I like her to begin with is that something about Alicia's narration just clicks with me. I tended to enjoy her confessionals and general presentation to the cameras. And... in this horrible cast, that really is enough for a high ranking, because with how erratic the edits of literally every other contestant I actively liked were, she's the only one I can say I pretty much liked on a consistent basis. But then what brings her to #1 instead of, like, #4 is that she also has some great peaks: obviously she's shown to speak against Chapera's disgusting treatment of Sue, but aside from that, I enjoy her OTT jury speech, her confident statement that "someone flipped!" at a unanimous vote is fucking golden rofl, and her final voting confessional against Rob is seriously one of the all-time greatest in Survivor history and deserves an instant place in any voting confessional hall of fame. So overall she's just the right mix of kind of self-absorbed and legitimately on point to be well-rounded in a way that speaks to me while also being a voice I enjoyed hearing actually speak to me. This would make her as a character a solid middling addition to any cast and here it makes her #1. Never watch All-Stars!

Where did we rank him/her?: 12/18 for All-Stars; 434/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: Like I said, I don't get it. Somewhere in the lower 200s seems more appropriate with me being someone who would randomly have her higher.

Next up: Micronesia!

Buuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I means... who cares? This season is such the zenith of everything about "new survivor" that I don't care about. And like, it's fine, I guess. The cast is full of charismatic people who make for good narrators so it's not all that boring, but it's just so soulless. It's empty. If I wanted nothing but numbers, I'd read the summary of a fucking ORG.

I like Jeremy as a person, I like Kass, I liked watching Varner and KWigs and Kimmi play again, but I didn't care about anything else. The first two episodes are actually pretty good. They play up the Second Chance thing well. But after the first tribe switch everyone loses any sense of character and people are only referred to as numbers.

And I knew this was going to happen as soon as Ciera said in Episode 1 that she felt like she owed something to the fans. This über-consciousness of the fact that you will be watched, of how people will see you and judge you. That's what ruined All Stars and that's what ruined this season.

If you like NuSurvivor, that's totally your prerogative. I just don't care. This kind of soulless strategic-focused Survivor is so uninspiring to talk about and write about.

So, I'm gonna stop writing about it. I'm not gonna rank characters because I don't think there are any characters.

So I watched all of this in one day because my life is a mess and I hate myself. But anyway.

GENERAL THOUGHTS

From what I've seen this is a pretty poorly received season, which I understand for obvious reasons. It's a completely incoherent clusterfuck of ugliness and uncomfortable moments, with the bigots actually making it farther than the nice people, and us having to watch as it happens.

But it's also funny. Like, really funny. Especially pre-merge, it's a huge explosion of character. You have things like Rodney and Lindsey fighting, Vince being a sexually jealous sociopath, everyone being annoyed and max and shirin, and the editors having fun playing with Dan Foley being a worthless sack of human.

You have little visual jokes of Max pushing Shirin out of the way during the puzzle of the first challenge, funny lines from people like Jenn and Will, and Hali's bizarrely passionate speech about how much she loves the constitution.

Looking at the season from a macro perspective, it's pretty damn bad. The only real narrative after Shirin leaves is Mike Vs. Evil, which is fine depending on how you feel about Mike, but it gets very repetitive very quickly. So the season absolutely putters to the end, having NO momentum whatsoever.

This results in arguably the most pointless, aimless Final Tribal Council ever? In fairness I don't remember One World or Caramoan all that well, but it felt like the editors had no idea what kind of story to tell at Final Tribal. 5 of the jurors gave pointless questions, and then Jenn, Shirin, and Dan all tried too hard with theirs. The final 3 wasn't even remotely cohesive, Will was entirely useless, and then, uh, Mike won. Because duh. And the plus side to the obviousness of Mike's win is that it can let you enjoy the coming downfall of Dan and Rodney a little more, without having to worry about them actually winning.

Looking at the season at the micro level, I feel like there were a surprising amount of fun moments. Just dumb stuff like Mike sneaking up on Sierra and scaring the shit out of her, Dan saying "I suck at life," to the absurdity that was the fire making challenge. I'm of the Mario Lanza school of dumb little editing jokes, and those small moments can make a season way more fun for me.

I won't go as far as to say that Worlds: Apart is a good season, but it's definitely one with a lot of fun moments. And the overall ugliness of the sexism can drown all that out, but while I'm a fan of those moments. It's dumb and incoherent and nasty and full of unlikable people, and it's kinda one of the funniest recent seasons.

CHARACTER RANKING

18) Will

On the one hand, Will has some great one-liners. On the other hand, he's a massive pile of shit as well as one of the most irrelevant finalists ever. So, yeah.

17) Dan

Ok I originally had Dan way higher than this, and then I watched like 5 minutes of the reunion and couldn't justify saying that I liked him. I hate Dan. He's obnoxious and he tries too hard and he's absurdly condescending. But I originally had him in the top half of this list because one of the most fun parts of the season is how the editors have fun with Dan. The editors show SO. MANY. MOMENTS. of Dan being a perpetually incorrect failure of a human being. And all this is capped off in Dan using his advantage (such a stupid twist), the advantage which he said was So Big For Him, and getting idol'd the fuck out of the game. He is one of the most pitiful people to have ever played the game. He lost his thong for christ's sake. That is so fucking funny. But then his jury speech happened and I remembered "oh yeah, he sucks." So even though the Story of Dan is an incredible storyline this season, I can't let myself say I like Dan. I like the editors. good on you, editors.

16) Max

I haaaaaaate when people make references to earlier seasons of Survivor. It's one of my least favorite things of the new seasons. And since that's Max's one real defining trait (although the feet in the water thing is a lovely accidental callback to Borneo, kind of, I don't know. RIP B.B.), I was not a fan.

15) Tyler

Yawn.

14) Shirin

Sooorrrrryyyyyyyyyy. I'm sure Shirin is a lovely person in real life but, like, ditto to what I said about Max. Her existence in this season just makes me largely uncomfortable, unfortunately. I totally feel for her, and I like how she stood up for herself, and I know she's completely genuine in her geekdom, but I don't like meta-references. Sorry.

13) Joaqin

I cannot for the life of me remember anything Joaqin did. He was a douche who said bro a lot and then got voted out when he got close with Rodney.

12) Nina

Yeah.

11) So

Super attractive

10) Sierra

Holy hell did Sierra really make the final 5? Did she do anything? Did I miss her big moments? Cause I'm drawing a blank.

9) Kelly

Kelly was a cool chick who got her forehead busted the fuck open. I liked Kelly.

8) Lindsey

Lindsey feels like an old school character, a badass girl who gets into heated arguments because someone pisses her off. I like those characters. I like characters who are willing to hurt their game chances to fight for what they believe in, because that's Survivor.

7) Joe

Joe is very pretty.

6) Rodney

So Rodney is another character who, like Dan, I'm conflicted on. I don't particularly like Rodney because of the whole "him being a twat" thing, and he got way too entitled at times, especially as he got mad at people for not giving up their rewards for him (seriously, we need to cut the shit with people giving up their spots in rewards to other people. Making the challenges individual, then forcing the winner to pick people to go with them is almost always better). BUT, I think Rodney's transition from Power Player to Pathetic Boy Who Sucks At Challenges And Can't Even Make A Goddamn Fire was funny enough to offset his annoyance. His impression of Mike was spot on and I love his weird analogies ("I feel like Luc Longley, bro"). Chalk Rodney down as a Problematic Fave.

5) Carolyn

Carolyn was way better pre-merge, as her snark came across best when he was on White Collar, and she was able to roast the nerds of her tribe. Her finding the idol just by seeing where So and Joaqin were looking was dope because shout out to Gary Hawkins. I felt like as the season went along we got less and less of Carolyn's personality and more of her boring strategy, but she was always a fun presence.

4) Hali

I mentioned it before, but Hali's confessional and subsequent Tribal Council answer about the Constitution are hilarious to me because outside of those moments Hali is just a chill popular surfer girl along with Jenn, and then out of nowhere, boom, she's talking about why the Constitution is an inspiring structure of Democracy. That's funny. Outside of that, Hali was kind of like Jenn-lite, a much needed fun presence to offset the bitterness of the season. She's dope.

3) Vince

Yes Vince is the 3rd best character this season and honestly he could be number 2. I fucking loved his two episode arc of starting out as the super chill namaste man with no worries in the world. He then aligns with Jenn because of her "energy." Then he sees Jenn flirting with Joe and that upsets his penis very very much. He goes from the most no-collar dude to most paranoid sociopath in the matter of minutes, all because of his sexual anxieties. He gets voted out episode two because of this. That's funny. Chill Dude gets voted out immediately because his dick got jealous. That's funny. He was impossibly over the top an I love Vince very much.

2) Mike

Mike's edit was overbearing, his win was obvious, and he's often very one note. Buuuuut I still really liked Mike. He had a huuuuuge presence the whole season but I didn't mind it largely due to pure charisma. Mike's likable. He's another old-school-type character. The first couple episodes he's the bossy hardworking guy who hurts his game chances because he believes in hard work. And even after that, he won! See that, people? You can actually win Survivor nowadays without only being focused on strategy (ok Mike became very gamebotty pretty quickly, but still). Anyway, a huge part of the season was Mike Vs. Evil and even though it wasn't the greatest storyline, it was still satisfying to see Mike win. I also enjoy most winners who win purely off of immunity wins because it's a nice reminder that it's not always all about strategy. Even dumbos like Bob and Fabio can win because they're good at puzzles and balance. Mike was way more strategic-minded than them, but you get the point. Mike's cool. I like Mike.

1) Jenn

Jenn is my number 1 by a pretty good amount. The bitterness of the season desperately needed some levity, and a ton of that came from Jenn's narration. And her apathy was a nice change of pace from the big number of uber-aggressive players and try-hard personalities there were. I think she's just one of the most naturally funny narrators the show has had in a very long time, and without her the season becomes much much worse.

Ok donezo. Onto Second Chances where I expect to be very disappointed by all my favorites because that's what happens in returning player seasons and also fuck Spencer.

Hi guys.

Not sure if anyone will see this, but I wanted to write my thoughts down somewhere, and I figured this place could work.

So basically I've missed the past couple seasons and now I'm catching back up. I am fairly unspoiled (other than the winners), so this should be fun.

Anyway, I watched San Juan Del Sur the past couple days so let's get started.

Survivor 29: San Juan Del Sur Thoughts

So, first things first, I absolutely do not buy the Blood Vs. Water format. At all. I didn't like the original that much, and I didn't like this one that much either. The reason is similar to my problems with returning player seasons, and that's that coming into the game with previous relationships drastically changes the entire game, and kind of ruins the whole point of it. Survivor is based on building relationships with strangers, and having to form relationships from the ground up. It's inherently insular. And the fun is, we get to watch it.

When everyone has their own loved one, that's a bunch of relationships we don't get to see formed. You think Richard and Rudy would have become as close as they did if they were always looking ahead to the chance to work with a loved one? Of course not. I get the appeal behind it (anything that brings more tears is almost always a good format for reality TV), but I don't think we could ever have a truly great BvW season.

Anyway, SJDS suffered a lot from what's plagued the show recently, which is a lack of good multi-episode storytelling. There were some huge boots that could have had a great story to them. John, Drew, Jeremy, Jon. Hell, even Baylor. They could have built those alpha males up so much more, and telegraphed their falls more specifically, but they didn't, because they're too worried about keeping things "surprising." The Jeremy boot and the resulting revenge of Natalie should have been an incredible story, and it is, but they didn't show it to us. We just kind of know it's there.

So because of the lack of multi-episode cohesion, the season never really builds any steam. It just goes along episode-by-episode, and there are some fun moments and fun characters in there, but there's no momentum and often no energy, so I ended up not really caring about anyone all that much.

That being said, it's still a serviceable season of Survivor, and rarely actively offensive, so I didn't mind it. It's a pleasant season. I don't have my season rankings with me, but I'd probably place it somewhere around the 20th mark.

ADDENDUM: Hi guys it's Sloth, 3 days later. As I've continued this rewatch, I have gained more appreciation for the storytelling of SJDS. I thought about it some more, and SJDS actually does have some of the most coherent storylines in recent seasons, especially w/r/t Jonclyn vs. Natalie. I'll stand by, however, that the Jeremy and Baylor boots were botched.

Character Rankings

1. Natalie

   Natalie carried a lot of the end of the season on her shoulders, Daugherty-style. While her arc wasn’t nearly as dramatic, watching her come into her own post-Jeremy was satisfying, and she made for a fun presence even when she was mostly talking strategy

2. Keith

   I’ll always have a soft spot for the archetype of the old southern man who waxes southern philosophical and spouts Twainisms. It’s a bit of a tired archetype but Keith is a good addition to the category, and he was a consistent source of entertainment that was much needed in some of the season’s slower moments.

3. Jaclyn

   I don’t love that the majority of the merge was framed by the Barbie-Ken power couple, but I’ll be damned if Jon and Jaclyn didn’t make the framing as good as it could have been. Jaclyn in particular was good for smaller moments of comedy (I find "don't touch me" really funny for some reason), and the fact that the central figures of strategy had a defined (if a bit uninspired) emotional story was pretty nice.

4. Jon

   Ditto everything about Jaclyn. For as boring as his character type is, Jon himself was a decently dynamic White Male Strategist, whose moments of goofiness were enough to keep him from stinking up the merge.

5. Baylor

   Baylor feels like a discount Eliza Orlins, the young girl who seemingly gets votes at every Tribal and sticks around for way longer than she has any right to because she’s smarter and squirrelier than people give her credit for. This is probably a case of her character type being better than she is herself, but I liked what Bayor brought.

6. Drew

   Drew you fucking idiot. The thing about the season not being great at multi-episode arcs hurts Drew especially because his rise and immediate fall is super funny conceptually, but feels lacking in the moment. Regardless, it’s fun to see that even 29 seasons into the show we can get another overly alpha douchebag throw a challenge and get himself voted out. Shouts to Burton.

7. Jeremy

   The producers love Jeremy because he’s smart, strategic, and really good at talking about numbers in confessionals. I normally don’t like characters defined by their proclivity to talk about “the game” and “moves” and “numbers,” but Jeremy’s just a super likable guy with a good sense of humor who can keep you engaged when he’s talking about strategy, so, you know, good on Jeremy.

8. Val

   Val was a lovably spastic, self-destructive early boot (always fun) and watching her go with the kitchen sink strategy that doomed her made for a good episode. Shouts to Val.

9. Missy

   Nurturing Mother Who Backstabs The Fuck Out Of People is a beloved character type in Survivor. And Missy fits the mold, but she’s kind of bare minimum with it. She wasn’t that mean, or that sweet, and her Final Tribal roasting wasn’t that good. It’s a good arc, but she doesn’t add much outside of what we’ve seen from other characters before.

10. Kelley

    Ah, Kelley. Kelley fits into two Survivor archetypes: The under-the-radar young Kellys, and the quiet person who gets booted pre-merge who probably could have won any other season. Kelley was fun(ish) while she lasted (and I think she comes back for S31, right? Maybe? Don’t tell me) and, like, I don’t know, she’s a fun girl.

11. Dale

    Dale clearly didn’t know too much about what he was doing, but he fit the ornery old man archetype not too terribly. I’m a fan of any petty arguments, like about portioning rice, that end up affecting relationships and the game. Pettiness is some of the best stuff Survivor has to offer, so good on you Dale.

12. Alec

    Alec sucks, but his dumbfounded open-mouthed stare during Final Tribal made me laugh out loud a couple times, so I'll give him some credit there.

13. Wes

    Wes is a dull pig-nosed boy. He loves Two and a Half Men and tacos.

14. John

    John Rocker is an angry roided-up futon. I hate John Rocker IRL with a passion, but he made for a decent early game boss to beat. But he’s still a twat, so, he’s this low.

15. Reed

    Reed was a largely inoffensive gamebot for most of the game, and he had his spotlight with his couple episodes of scrambling, which was fine. But his jury speech was contrived and dumb and not really earned (at least from what we saw), so I think he kinda sucks

16. Nadiya

    The weird thing about never having seen the Twinnies on Amazing Race is that I know nothing about Nadiya, so Nadiya and Natalie feel like completely different people. She was pretty bad at Survivor and was not a particularly inspired first boot, so, yeah.

17. Josh

    Josh you dead-eyed whiny fuck.

18. Julie

I kinda liked Julie immediately post-John’s boot, but then she gave up and slinked away from the game and became a non-factor. And quitting at the merge is one of the more annoying times to quit in my opinion. The merge vote is usually big and complicated and fun and Julie’s quit kinda ruined it. Boo, Julie.

And nice, that's it. I'll be moving on to Worlds: Apart next. So now that I was able to form my opinions on SJDS with little outsider influence, what's the consensus on it? Do people like it, what characters did people like or not like, etc.

Ok that's all. Off to Worlds: Apart

Yo. Not sure if anyone will see this, but I find it helpful to write about things if I really want to nail down my opinion of them, and BB is definitely something I'd like to totally unambiguously be able to talk about my opinion of so here I am.

Now, I have seen Breaking Bad before. My verdict was pretty negative. I really enjoyed the first two seasons and then steadily liked the show less and less from there. I wouldn't call it a bad show, but I do (did? Since I'm refreshing my opinions here?) believe that it was the most overhyped show of my generation so far. But I love Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul and Bob Odenkirk and the whole gang, and I loved season 1 the first time around so lets not worry about that. Hopefully this will be positivity throughout, but at minimum, I'm definitely going to have nice things to say about season 1 and probably season 2. So lets get to it.

What I hope is that I can like it more. I watched it back when the fanbase was completely unbearable and also concurrently with The Sopranos (my favourite show of all time) whilst living in a house with people who very much were obnoxious fans. So it was kind of a perfect storm for me to hate the show. This environment has as much potential to yield a better result as it possibly could, so I figure I'd give it a shot. Maybe I can join the rest of the internet in regarding it as one of the greats?

Episode 1 going up in a moment. Just gotta write it.

So that a few months from now we can all sit back and reflect on how right I was!

#ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT QUESTION NEVER GONNA HAPPEN

18) Caleb - Awful person, stunt-cast cannon fodder. It seems like most of his thing is being blandly good at challenges, so even if he weren't awful and didn't have the BB target, he'd still be a throwaway contestant with no real chance of winning.

18) Kyle - "Russell Hantz did nothing wrong and I am going to play exactly like him!" gg

#ALMOST DEFINITELY NEVER, EVER GOING TO HAPPEN

16) Cydney - Blatant physical threat who apparently sees herself through multiple alter-egos. Probst said she's smarter than she appears, so if that's true and if she's able to be subdued... maybe? But absolutely nothing about her makes me think she's going to be subdued, so I just hope her flameout is entertaining.

15) Nick - Pretty transparently douchey. Was cast to be a "villain" who might do some dynamic (read: probably awful and Jim Rice-y) shit before inevitably ending up as the second or third juror, not to win. But maybe he's playing it up somewhat before the show since he's a big RHAP fan or something? Still... yeah, no. These two are baaarely above the other tier. I'd still bet a lot of money against either of them. Cydney and Nick have, like, a 0.00001% chance as opposed to a 0% chance. But I can at least theoretically imagine it.

#VERY LIKELY CANNON FODDER

Probably about a 0.5% chance each for these people.

14) Debbie - Could be a tier below this because she has a tiger swimsuit and is apparently Coach, but based on her demographic, she's just about guaranteed to make the finale, so she at least has that going for her.

13) Tai - A Tai win would be absolutely amazing, but I will be surprised if he survives three episodes, let alone the entire season. If he does end up on the new Tandang or something so he manages to make the merge, I still can't see how he'd possibly make it all the way to finals. Really fucking rooting for it, though. A Tai win would be absolutely glorious. Here's hoping he's just so lovable that they all randomly throw their games away for him. I at least see him winning a jury vote, unlike those below him. I just don't see him ever getting to one.

12) Alecia - Is Alecia. Does anyone think for any reason that she's going to win? I mean I'd be thrilled if she blows everything we have every reason to believe out of the water and ends up winning, but there's nothing to suggest it. We get tons of Alecias and they don't win.

11) Scot - Pretty much the most blatant physical threat ever and I can't imagine him being too socially subtle or manipulative. I think he's likable enough to win if he wins, like, literally every challenge, but I don't think that'll happen, so. (My gut prediction is that he comes in 8th and is the only juror to vote for Debbie.)

10) Aubry - If she's really that sold on being "weird", she belongs even lower, but I think a lot of it is probably her appearance. Still, just generally looking at first glance the way she does, she can't really fly under the radar, and while she's not as blatant a social threat as Tai or Joe, I still can't see people forgetting about her or letting her make the end. Maybe if it's, like, Caleb and Kyle at the end and they're absolutely convinced the jury will vote for whoever has the biggest dick or something. I could see her being savvy enough to get into a good position, but I don't see it going all the way to the end.

9) Joe - Like Tai and Aubry, just someone who, based on appearance, the other players will never be able to forget about, and a possible early boot candidate. But on his tribe, I do think he has a better chance of integrating than Tai does (I could see him/Aubry teaming up, actually, since they'd both go out first just on appearances in most seasons), and with his background, he's gotta be better in challenges than he looks and great at subtly manipulating people. But... he's still in his 70s, so I still can't see how people let him make the end. He'd need a Fabio-esque challenge streak or something. (Which would be pretty great.)

8) Liz - Seems to have a growing fanbase on here but I don't buy it. A losing gamebot who's going to do big stuff but be too unrestrained, too cocky, and too visible, so she loses. Like a less douchey Nick, or a hopefully less annoying repeat of Ciera crossed with a hopefully much less annoying repeat of Jim. I hope her jury speech is interesting instead of awful.

#WILD CARD PICKS

7) Julia

6) Jennifer

5) Darnell

I think all of these contestants are strong "winner threats" in a vacuum, if they weren't relying upon the biases of other people, so they still could pull it off... but are too likely to be dead the second they hit the beach or soon after. I think the other contestants will get one look at Julia's youth, Jennifer's... she's not an older contestant but she sort of comes off like it somehow?, and Darnell's race and socioeconomic background, and they'll all just be written off. For Julia it'll be as an early boot, Jennifer as an early boot or goat, Darnell probably as an early boot or as someone they don't want to vote for. But they could all overcome it, especially Jennifer/Darnell; there's a bit of a gap between Jennifer and Julia. I certainly hope they do because a Darnell win would be the greatest outcome possible for this season or virtually any other. It'd be so fucking magical. But I think most people will get a look at him and some part of them will think "Oh, we can't have him win."

#EH

4) Peter - Very likely to be a juror but Fabio and Bob and Morasca are winners, Brett is basically a winner, Natalie White is a winner. I don't think this is going to be the kind of season where someone wins just for being Ryan Opray, because there aren't enough Piombos to take each other out, but I wouldn't write him off either. If he's in FTC, he wins. But I don't know if he has the ability to get there. He'll probably be voted out soon after the merge, but with Scot and Tai and Aubry and Joe around, he could slip into the background.

#OKAY

3) Anna - I pretty much forget Anna exists, so maybe her opponents will, too. She's sort of like a more subtle Liz or a more adept Mick... I see very little reason for it to happen, but unlike everyone I've cut, I don't see any reason for it to not happen. She will probably just fade into Mickdom, but if she's a little smarter and more proactive than I'm remembering, then she can hide under her ostensible Mickdom and very possibly win.

#GOOD

2) Neal - Everything about Neal on the surface says he's in the Piombo spot of a big character / "strategist" who places early jury, but deeper than the surface, I really think he is more grounded than that. I think he has all that, like... Some of that weirdness, but knows how to reign it in, while still having the same strategic mind. He's obviously going to be a big character, and honestly, I could see him being subtle enough on the ground to win.

I think people will like him but underestimate him. I think it'll be like "Oh, Neal? We don't have to worry about him" - but unlike Darnell or Julia, that won't come with "We don't have to respect him." It'll be like "Oh, Neal!" and then it'll be like "Shit. Neal just outlasted all of us?" and then it'll be like "Neal <3 ". I think he has the soul of a spaz but the mind of a player and the spirit to match. And, crucially, the affability of a... Labrador retriever?

Or maybe he'll just implode. But I dunno. I think there's a fair amount going on here.

#AMAZING

1) MICHELE - Michele is 80% Kim, 20% Sophie/Natalie W., 100% your-favorites-could-never, and she is going to wreck this season and play one of the few female games that the fanbase ever recognizes as acceptable - maybe not Kim level, but like, Stapley level. (The casuals will wish that, like, Peter had won or something.) She'll have way understated people skills - someone who's definitely going to be a charmer to the other contestants, but not in a way that they'll notice. They'll all realize everyone loves Tai. I think Michele will be in everyone's good graces, and they won't realize how well-liked she is. I think she comes across very trustworthy, but I don't think she's naive, and I think she's smart enough to know how to use that trust to her own benefit.

I see her being someone who doesn't even form connections; she's someone with whom connections just materialize - and definitely someone who knows how to use them... in other words, Kim Spradlin. Not the CP5 Strategic Behemoth Kim that we saw, but the likable, interesting, unassuming, trustworthy Older Sister Kim that they saw. History remembers Spradlin as the female Tom - and on paper, maybe the moves she made did put her in the same game position, but on the island, she was just everyone's friend. You didn't align with her because you thought she'd help you or because you trusted her; you aligned with her because she was your sister and your friend - which is also why you trust her. I don't think Michele will be quite on that level of being everyone's fucking Patronus - but I think she hits the same angle; she won't have the Spradlin effect as strongly on as many people, but I think that she will have that effect on some level on enough people.

And then I throw in Sophie and Natalie White because in the OW endgame, people did know Kim was, and was seen as, the controlling mind who made things happen; they just hoped the jury would be upset about it and were happy to lose to her if not. I think Michele will form the Kim-esque connections, but from a Sophie or especially Natalie White, she'll borrow the appearance of a non-threat. I do not think anyone will hesitate about taking Michele to the end - and only after that will it become apparent to her competitors just how much of a threat she was.

All-Stars is horrible. I used to defend it, it was in my top 10 at some point, before falling out after I finished watching all the seasons. Its not even the talked about flaws. I don't mind Kathy, or Lex, or even Tom that much. I just hate the overall vibe of the season, it just feels miserable watching it. I just want to skip it, and go on to Vanuatu. It just feels like falling off a cliff. Once Colby and Ethan left, I felt like there was no positive presence left, and it just went on a negative spiral. I don't remember any of that from my previous viewing. Individual comments don't bother me at all, there are so many negative arguments, confessionals, and the emotions of the contestants don't help either. Rain also makes a season feel darker than it is Also, the season is incredibly boring. You know exactly what's going to happen a lot of the times, especially post-merge.

I also think that the Kathy comments are way overblown, just a way to sell the season as bad. They maybe totalled 30 seconds, and didn't bother me whatsoever. I didn't find Lex's comments to be particularly bothersome either. Tom, yeah, it was pretty horrible, but not what made me dislike the season.

When Shii Ann is your favorite non-Rupert post-merge character, I think that basically means a bad season, or at least a horrific post-merge.

Everything I hate in this season pretty much stems from Rob, the predicatbility, negativity, arguments, etc, so really don't like Rob 2.0 at all.

There, All-Stars rant over.

What did everyone think of the premiere for the season? Early favorites?

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hlzoAvbgcRakNiJ3HFFbyuYiYShQUSkAgjbFx5d4g94/edit?usp=sharing

Seriously, watch this, it is well worth the download time and the rewatch. Here's the link- I'd recommend finding a really good computer but if you can wait, trust me, Samoa fucking rocks.

https://www.reddit.com/r/survivor/comments/3kjtjj/entire_reedit_of_survivor_samoa_uploaded_finally/

Redemption Island - What is this fanfic nonsense?

The first four episodes

In any discussion of Survivor: Redemption Island, its defenders (of which there aren't many) will often say "the first three episodes are actually pretty good." I've always taken their word for it. I've never been interested in finding out for myself.

I feel like it's important to watch all 30 seasons. I've watched most of the heavily praised ones and a few of the duds. But if I'm going to watch all 30, I don't want to be sitting at 27 with Redemption Island, South Pacific and Caramoan left to watch. That's not a trio to look forward to.

So I'm starting at the worst. Season 22. Two seasons earlier, a rivalry formed between Rob Mariano and Russell Hantz, two insufferable male fan favourites. How they became fan favourites? Overblown edits and inexplicable constant praise from Jeff Probst.

Firstly, the one-returnee per tribe invariably robs the other new players of material.

After the premiere, I had a good idea of Russell, Rob, Phillip, Francesca, Kristina and Ralph and almost no idea about anyone else. I got a whiff of Mike being unfamiliar with the show, Natalie being young and Matt being Christian.

After the second episode, I got more of Matt, lots more of Rob, a bit of Steve, more Russell, some Stephanie. A little drop of Julie. Ralph weaved all the way through.

But that's really it. I'm four episodes in. There's apparently someone called Sarita on this season. And there's a Krista, a David, an Ashley and a Grant too. This is a cast of 18. I have no idea who half of these people are. I have a vague idea of who a third more of them are, but I know who Russell, Rob and Phillip are. Yay?

I mean, Russell's left armpit has had more character development than most of the other contestants. And it has been voted out already.

Secondly, Redemption Island (the twist) is nonsense. Designed to keep Rob in the game, it messes with the impact of the tribal council vote and more noticeably, the pacing of the episode. The elimination occurs halfway through the episode. Why even bother watching the second half?

And thirdly, the casting is atrocious. I like Steve, Julie, Kristina, Ralph and Andrea. And that's it. Is it casting's fault? Is it editing's? Who knows. But it is making the season unbearable. At this point Rob is the onnly person playing on his tribe. These have to be some of the stupidest people ever cast. At least, on Rob's tribe. Russell's tribe seems full of people who would vote off anyone who would even attempt to take charge. It makes me wonder how random that buff draw at the start of the game really was.

And as an aside - what the fuck is with the art direction? The logo is, hands down, the worst I've ever seen. The meso temple theme is kind of jumbled with some Pacific island influences and just doesn't look good. The challenges, bar the five minute toolbox commercial, have been the only good part of the season so far. Spin Cycle is barbaric and just because you had the set leftover from Nicaragua doesn't mean you should reuse it.

What a steaming pile of horseshit this season is. Really. I'm four episodes in and I'm not even remotely interested in what happens next. I can't watch it without doing something else to distract myself from the fact that I'm watching Redemption Island. I'm getting really good at tetris though.

Ok so I finished rewatching Vanuatu a few wees ago and now that I've had time to think, here's my cast ranking (and later) my thoughts on the season as a whole.

18: Mia Galeotalanza (15th Place): Yeah so being outwardly offensive is worse than bores like the young men on Lopevi. The big thing with Mia was her temper and mouth and the fight with Twila. Yeah, I can;'t even fathom someone calling Twila of all people on this show fake and then her consistently repeating the same line and the fact that she was totally wrong in the argument. Not a fan at all.

17: Brook Geraghty (18th Place): So I mostly remember him complaining about Rory and then being sure Chris was going once they lost the challenge. Uh, yeah that's about it. I felt we got to know the other young men more and we got something from them.

16: Brady Finta (14th Place): Basically here because JP had two funny scenes and Brady basically has the scene of getting the spirit stone for the men and that's pretty much it. I think he's the one to officially call the 5 older men alliance the "Fat Five" so there's that.

15: John Palyok (16th Place): JP has this funny moment where he wonders if he's supposed to fight the tribesmen who have spears and he has....nothing? lol that and him confronting Bubba after the first vote are funny moments that let him make top 15, gj. He also did seem to have some potential, but wasn't meant to be.

14: John Kenney (11th Place): He was very nice to look at it, had a solid move with how he scoped info from the women, and an lulzy episode in his boot ep. I also love how just spending a few hours with her, drove JK crazy with Eliza <3333

13: Chad Critterden (8th Place): Easily the weakest character to make the merge in the season. He had a good premiere where he revealed his leg to his tribemates. Then, is fairly boring throughout, though I do like how disgusted he is by how cocky Ami is. Also the Chad shocked face is funny too, but yeah for someone who makes final 8, not good. Would have loved to have seen Rory outlast him. A Rory jury speech <3

12: Lisa Keiffer (12th Place): So this might be kinda high for Lisa to rank, but I can't get over how Lisa aligns with the young girls. It seems so odd since she is older and I'm curious what common ground she'd have with girls like Julie or Eliza. She's annoying, but in a funny way like her "I go bye bye?". She gets wrecked by Ami in epic fashion though so kudos for that.

11: Travis Sampson (13th Place): So now we're getting to the ones I actively like, yay! Bubba had quite a few funny moments through the show like his boat tipping over at the start or the way he explaiend to JP why he voted Brook and the big thing he's known for: telling Chris to remember the merge. Haha his excuse for it is even better. I thought he'd be a bigger character, but he was fun. First official victim of our Ice Queen.

10: Dolly Neely (17th Place): Dolly had a pretty good story arc, but I think everyone else is stronger. To start, Dolly has a pretty cool and badass job. We see her get along with both the younger and older women, but in episode 2 we see she's completely stuck in the middle. She handles the posittion poorly, but my heart went out to Dolly who really didn't wanna hurt anyone and was probably for the best that she went this early. The deception and lying and voting people out was not for her and that's something refreshing to see.

9: Lea "Sarge" Masters (9th Place): Sarge was a very good character in a sea of great characters and a few personal favorites so he ranks here. Sarge with the hilarious way he avoids being chosen to get the spirit stone and we see him as the leader for them. We frequently see him and Rory get into it about many things, which were always funny and the "YOU ARE MESSING ME UP!" will never not be great. At the swap, we see him bond with Twila and Julie very easily. The scenes of him and Julie flirting including tanning nude were cool. The men get owned at the merge and oh my god, the Sarge/Scout encounter at the fire is amazing. Probably a Scout moment, but still. He goes on to give an epic jury speech and one that breaks Twila. Very good character and I enjoyed all of his content! Just liked others more.

8: Leann Slaby (7th Place): When I mentioned random favorites, I was mostly referring to Leann because yeah she's pretty UTR for the season. Still so adorkable and endearing with the volcano confessional and the reward with Julie (awesome reward btw). I wish we'd gotten to see more, as based on some accounts, Leann was the brains of the alliance, but still she was a fun presence even with the edit she got. ooooh and yeah, her voteoff is easily one of my all time favorites. The fact that they even include that she felt she didn't need to win immunity and the arrogance rising with the women makes it even better. She also has the devous chicken wings scene. Really someone I wanna see back and someone who's really underrated as a great UTR character with some very good confessionals!

7: Julie Berry (5th Place): We're at the point where I LOVE everyone left so shit is getting hard. Julie has a rough start with how her allies never stick with her, but she still somehow gets herself into a good spot after every TC and even finds a majority on Lopevi and for a bit during the merge. Talking about Lopevi, it's soooooo awesome how easily Julie wrecks the game of about 4 different people in 30 seconds when she reads Twila perfectly and gets her to sufficiently doubt the men. Julie has the great relationship with Chris, the reward with Leann at final 9, and her emotional jury speech. As for why she's only 7th, she doesn't feel as complete as the other characters and I feel as though we know the other 6 a lot better. Still, she's amazing and this is just a testament to how strong this cast is that she doesn't even make top 5. Shame we'll never see her return.

6: Rory Freeman (10th Place): Maybe a surprise that he ranked this high, but Rory is one of the stars of the premerge and makes things so much funner. The confessional about a black man being welcome on the island it gold as is the "classless" dancing by the women, Rory being a grown ass man and not taking kindly to orders, and generally speaking and acting so dramatic about things. His performance over Ami revealing he was next to go and then the reveal that it was just an act and how fucking giddy he is about it <333 and then he has this random "what do you mean????" when Ami questions what he''ll say to the guys back home if he sides with the chicks.

I realize this is more listing Rory moments, but they're all just coming to me now haha. Another great one is the reward they get where they get letters from home and how Rory was gonna burn the camp down before his wife told him "lol don't". <3 His disgust for the women and especially Eliza come the merge is fantastic and the way he makes sure to point out that Ami is the leader and crushed Bubba like a bug (what the fuck haha). It's all so good and come the merge, Rory gets taken down first which blows. Imagine a Rory jury speech? Fantastic character!

5: Scout Cloud Lee (3rd Place): Ok so I first thought Scout was overrated, but wow Scout is incredible. The main takeaway I had is Scout IS mean, those voting confessionals for Mia and Ami are so cutting and then oh my god, the way she needles Eliza is insane. "Oh little one" is just so passive aggressive and the way she puts Eliza out with Coconut Chop type challenge is perfect. The singing to Sarge is epic too.

The running gag of Scout every damn time they had to go to TC gunned for Eliza is not lost on me. I didn't realize it, but we see a lot of Scout just shit talking Eliza haha. It was interesting to see what a role Scout played in taking Ami/Leann down though, we see how Scout was willing to do her own thing with how she really didn't wanna boot Lisa. A few times we see Scout want to vote this way and Ami goes "nah". It's an interesting power struggle there. The best part about Scout is even with all of this, she was a challenge away from winning the game. <3 I'm imaginging Eliza's face when she realizes she has to vote for Twila or Scout and I'm cackling. Loved Scout!

4: Chris Daugherty (1st Place): Blindside? Ok, everyone in this top 4 is in my top 50 and are all insanely good characters. My thing is mostly, Chris is very lowkey premerge and while there's nothing wrong with someone getting more time to advance their story as the season goes on. I felt Ami, Twila, and Eliza all had more consistent time and I personally enjoyed their stories more. The season really becomes Chris-centric around final 8 or final 7.

With that said, Chris is fantastic. He has this over the top way of giving confessionals which I love. It was pretty ironic to see how rough things began for him in the premiere. You also, do see that Chris did have some sway with Sarge as he prevents Sarge from doing anything reckless and booting Rory in the premerge. Also his "SARGE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" was hilarious.

The story arc of him overcoming this evil alliance of women is amazing and of course the back to back Julie and Eliza voteoffs are super cold. He also has this way of saying things that probbably didn't endear him to the audience like the way he talked about women as if they were all crazy, but I still enjoyed it and didn't give it much thought. Gives an epic FTC performance and a great contrast to Twila, and easily one of my favorite winners. The other 3 are just better in my book, still love Chris and some of this just comes down to personal preference.

3: Eliza Orlins (4th Place): I can't fathom that Eliza is an actual person. There is a castaway who has annoyed everyone she's played with. Like even in her short interaction with John Kenney, he was annoyed by her. Right off the bat, Scout is complaining about how Eliza talks too much. We also she's a potential target when the women go to tribal, but she flips it on Dolly. Her annoying JK isn't even my favorite Eliza thing about episode 3, but mostly that when Lisa says she doesn't know if she trusts her, Eliza responds with "Fine, don't trust me. I'll flip to those other guys. <333

Postswap, we see Eliza's name get brought up again, but yeah as is par for the course she sticks around. We also get a great bonding moment with Ami where she gives Eliza a pep talk in a big/little sister way. The merge hits and we see Eliza/Scout heat up with Scout putting her out of a challenge and Eliza FUMING back at camp, which Scout is quick to point out lol. Around this point, we see Julie get brought into the fold with Ami and Leann and Scout is worried and because of this, wants to vote out Eliza.

The irony of the final 7 where Twila and Scout can finally put Eliza out, but decide to use her to fuck Ami/Leann over is great. Eliza nodding back at Ami as the votes are being that round is sooooo good. We also get the loved one visits this episode and Eliza gets to spend time with her mom at camp and her mother's reaction to "they say I talk too much" is perfection. The next round, we get a lot on the relationship between Eliza and Ami and how Eliza would miss Ami, as they both go on to cry at TC thinking of their relationship. Ami's mention of how much Eliza has grown out there is absolutely perfect. By this point, Eliza and Twila go after each other nonstop, including the fight by the hammock and where Twila thinks Eliza is undeserving of being here. The perfect conclusion to their feud is Eliza demanding an apology and Twila telling her to fuck off.

Eliza is a great narrator, super likable underdog, yet obnoxious young girl who talks too damn much and is shit talked by EVERYONE. She makes for excellent TV and was electric in Vanuatu. A particularly fun aspect of Eliza is that while she is annoying, when people bag on her, she doesn't sit there and let herself get bashed. She DOES stand up for herself even if she does it such an Eliza (aka highly annoying and over the top) manner. I still can't get over how she made it to the final 4 when her name was brought up every single damn time she had to go to TC. One of my all time favorites for sure <333

2: Twila Tanner (2nd Palce): Twila's path on Survivor is an incredibly unique one as we this strong willed woman get ripped apart through the game and turn into a very different person. I went into that FTC hating Twila and leaving wanting to give her a big ass hug,

We see early on she gets along better with men, as she's in her element at the Lopevi tribe with Chris, Sarge, and Chad. At the merge, she's caught between the women and the men, along with Julie and she has to betray the men here. Julie has quite a bit to do with Twila choosing to screw the men, as she finds out Julie played her.

When her and Scout begin to thing about going with the men, she gets caught by Leann and goes on to reinforce her loyalty by swearing on her son's name, which is what goes on to haunt Twila at the next TCs, including the FTC. After Twila let's Chris know what he has to do after the girls plan on turning on Eliza, we get a massive blindside and the fallout is immediate between Twila and Ami and even more so, the fallout from Twila lying on her son's name. This won't be the first or last time this promise is brought up. After Ami is booted, we see Twila raise hell with Eliza for siding with Ami and bringing it up even further about her promise. This is where the Twila/Eliza feud hits its peak with "Girl if you ask me one more time, I'm gonna let those damn things rot in the ground." Already talked about the hammock fight as well.

Once Eliza is finally booted at f4 with much delight from Twila and Scout at f3, we have ourselves a beautiful FTC of Twila and Chris. Twila starts off FTC by telling Eliza to shove it and also has gems like admitting she didn't trust Ami and letting Ami know she wasn't a real villain and just got wrapped up in the power. It's obvious the Sarge speech is what breaks her, for someone that she absolutely respects to rip into her and basically say he wants nothing to do with her kills her. Her closing speech absolutely breaks my heart and "It wasn't the game I intended to play and it was the game that ended up playing. If you all can forgive me, maybe I can forgive myself." I will always get chills from that line and the fact that Ami, the person who was likely most hurt from Twila's lie, voted for her is really epic.

One of the best story arcs the show has seen and I know people wanna see her back, but I don't know I wouldn't mind her being one and done as her one appearance is just everything I could want from a survivor. Twila <3333

1: Ami Cusack (6th Place): So yeah Ami was always going to be #1 after my latest rewatch. I was floored to see how multi dimensional and complex Ami was. We see this a lot in the characters of Vanuatu, but none more than Ami. So many layers from being such a warm and compassionate friend to a ruthless Ice Queen, from her trying to cheer Eliza up and telling Twila to try to bond with the young girls to being so cold and wrecking Bubba and Lisa. Ami Cusack is just fucking top notch. So let's get into it, shall we?

We first get introduced to Ami as she reacts to how the females are being shit on and not being used to being put second to a man which is pretty perfect for this theme. Ami is part of the older women crew with Twila, Scout, and Leann early on and overall, Ami is pretty lowkey early on. We do get the awesome Ami moment where she tries to get Twila to meet the young girls on their level and to attempt to relate to them. It's a really cool moment and paints Ami in a great and reasonable light. The following episode the women win a reward where they snag Da to help them in finding food on the island and such.

Then the swap happens and Ami gets a shit ton of content here. As we have men on the Yasur tribe and Lisa is eager to show them everything Da taught them and Ami has the best deadpan expression and flatly asks "Why? Why would you wanna show them that?" and while, we see the other girls be very welcoming to the men, Ami reminds us that she's still all about girl power. She catches Bubba in his tracks at the challenge and wrecks him here. Great soundbite with "You don't need to vote people out. They'll vote themselves outta here." The next episode we get more on how complex Ami was where despite being an Ice Queen, she comforts Eliza after she fucks the challenge up and encourages her in a very big/little sister way. In this same episode, after they lose an immunity challenge, Ami decides to vote Lisa out and tells her this to her face for a simple slip up. It's so cold and ruthless. <3 When Yasur wins reward, we learn that Ami has a little brother who died in a car crash years ago, which plays a critical role later. Again, we see her as an ice queen, yet still get these sympathetic and endearing scenes.

The merge hits and immediately we see Rory tell the men how Ami is running things and needs to be taken down asap. Meanwhile, the girls wanna know who to vote for and Ami goes "I don't know, just vote out a guy" We get a great scene where we see Julie, Eliza, and Leann surround Ami in a way that makes her look so badass. Also, comes the fun "I don't think Julie and Twila ever left the women's alliance." It does show that Ami is assuming all the women are as passionate about this alliance as she is and don't have other agendas. It's an interesting flaw. Rory is voted out and the women have definitive control of the season now. This is also where we see the women get more cocky and arrogant, the scene where the girls only leave the men the bones of the chicken wings sums that up pretty well. Next round is where things get interesting where Ami wins reward with Eliza, Chris, and Chad and it's a very fun one with all the kids and the dancing. When they get back to camp, Ami realizes a plan has been set to save the men and boot Eliza, mostly by Scout and Ami goes "nah" and shuts it down. It's perfect when you realize what happens next vote. Before Chad goes, Jeff does note the cocky smirk Ami has at TC and this is pretty much Ami at her peak.

Final 7 is where things go crashing down for the women and especially Ami and Leann. They don't placate to Twila and Scout enough at this point and straight up tell Scout she's not making their endgame. This is where Twila makes "that" promise, which later strikes a cord with Ami. Ami goes on to win immunity and it's decided they'll let Eliza go and Chris deserves to stick around longer. Ami at TC is amazing as the votes are being read and Eliza turns to Ami and she's given such an arrogant head nod that yeah Eliza is going. The look of smug to absolute shock and disgust is fantastic. We go from a smug leader to a strong underdog in the final 6 as Ami goes to war with Twila and Scout in her final episode. We see how Ami is just apalled at how Twila would lie on her son's name like she did. She tries to plead her case to Eliza and does a great job, even if it's pretty impossible with how Ami voted Eliza the last vote. At her previous TC, we saw Ami arrogant and cocky and here we see Ami hurt and emotional which again goes to show the complexity of Ami. The scene with her and Eliza and how much Eliza would miss her and Ami complimenting Eliza on her growth is beautiful. She goes out with a bang with a stinger of a voting confessional and last words of wanting to drown Twila. She gets humanized at FTC too as Twila breaks it down that Ami wasn't a true cold villain and just got a bit too wrapped up in herself and the power.

Early apologies about how long the Ami entry was, but wanted to explain just why she's my #1 and how complex and interesting she is. We even get a direct quote from Ami that goes "Yeah I'm cocky, I'm also one of the more caring, giving, loving people in the world." And the great thing is, that she is all of that and it's not black and white as far as being a hero or villain. So much content with Ami in learning about her brother, how passionate she was about all women making it to the end and costing her a bit, how when she finally decides to show some heart for someone who's not a woman she gets taken down. Love her to pieces and probably one of my favorite characters to date. I would have loved to have seen an Ami win, but I almost prefer that she had obvious flaws that led to her downfall.

All this being said found Vanuatu to be a top tier season and sits at #1 on my list, though I still have a ton of Seasons to rewatch and rank. It has a perfect boot order, quite a few complex characters, overarching storylines, and the endgame is electric. Even the premerge is solid enough with Rory and Eliza screentime and the rise of Ami in the swap episodes. Vanuatu <33333

It didn't fly on the main page, at all, so I'm reposting it here. This is just me praising a character for being a fun, dynamic subversion while convincing the major audience he was the real deal.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1xlPaNbw7LcLd5-kC28TKuPbjqkRDDa45joV04Or6kis/edit

Clearly my priorities were on goddamn point today.

So with all of the pregame press finally here, I figure it's a good time to rank the cast that we've been thinking about for 3 months now. After taking everything in, I'm even more excited than I thought I would be. And unlike in most seasons, I really don't see much happening to change any of these placements before the premiere, so now is as good a time as ever.

20. Kelley: I don’t understand the massive hate-boner for ******. I also don’t understand the disproportionate amount of Wentworth flairs on /r/survivor. I don’t understand why she was asked back in the first place. I think she seemed like she could’ve been fun during SJDS, and there were certainly worse options in the voting pool, but she’s the one who I feel has the least to offer out of anyone in the cast, and that’s why I rank her last.

21. Spencer: I’m on the fence here. If we get a continuation of his r.obbed g.oddess fan favorite edit who can say and do no wrong despite being really arrogant and “strategic”… he’ll be terrible like he was throughout most of the Cagyan postmerge (I still love him in the premerge for his role as the one normal person on Luzon, and I think he pulls it off well). If we see some growth out of him, humility that he might not be right all the time, or (even better) he gets ownt out of the game by Kass I could enjoy him. Sadly, I don’t see those things happening. Hopefully he’ll surprise me.

22. Tasha: I was surprised on my Cagayan rewatch at how unspectacular Tasha really was. She was amazing with Garrett (although her “HE’S NOT LETTING US PLAY THE GAME!!” was annoying) and she’s a decent background character, but there’s something just kinda… off. Not really sure how to describe it. She was always going to come back, and I don't dislike her at all, but she’s possibly the person I have the least strong feelings on in one way or another going into the season. Hoping she shows what she showed at her best in Cagayan.

23. Vytas: Like with Spencer, I’m on the fence here. I have mixed feelings on BvW Vytas, because he did have a cool backstory and I liked him as a foil to Aras (sort of like an anti-Aras)… but he was still really slimy and creepy at times, especially during the swap. If anyone is going to be a male villain, he is it, and I do think he’s an interesting and charismatic speaker that could pull off the role well. Of course, if he pulls it off too well, he’ll just end up reminding me of why I can’t fully get behind him in the first place, like Brian Heidik. So like Spencer, this could go either way, but I’m not optimistic.

24. Joe: Let’s be real here, if the vote was done two seasons later, there’s no way in hell casuals will still remember who he was. But he’s here, and he’s a nice guy who was in an amazing alliance that just fell on the wrong side of the numbers. I think that he’s the guy that will probably change the least from their first appearance, but I did like him in WA, so I’m not complaining too much. I can’t see him making this season amazing, but I can’t see him having a negative impact in pretty much any way whatsoever, so I’m cool with him being here and I’m looking forward to seeing him (albeit very mildly).

25. Savage: Savage is one of the ones I’m more intrigued by in the sense that I really don’t know what role he’s going to fit. He’s maybe the smallest name in the entire male cast? So that alone, combined with the fact that he was the leader of Morgan and is difficult to think of as anything other than an alpha male leader, makes me really wonder what his role will be. I don’t see him making it particularly far, since I just don’t think he’ll integrate with a cast like this. Looking at Bayon, I don't really see anyone who he would align with. But whether he becomes a leader or not, it’ll be interesting to watch. I’m not particularly invested in Savage himself, but I’m looking forward to how he fits in over the first couple of episodes.

26. Terry: I see Terry getting along with this group better than Savage. I think he’s a little more fluid, a little more dynamic, and I think he’ll do better with the younger people. I don’t think he wants and needs to be the leader as much as Savage does. It’ll be interesting to see how he holds up physically, also. I don’t like Terry as much as most of the people I put above him, but I also don’t dislike him like a lot of people do — after all, he did help contribute to the Casaya postmerge trainwreck. I’m looking forward to seeing how an “old-schooler” like him is able to do.

27. Woo: Woo has perhaps the best potential for a multi-season growth arc out of anyone in the entire cast. The question is whether or not he actually will change at all. Even if he doesn’t, at worst he’ll be a mildly likable background character, which will be good to have in a sea of gamebots. There’s potential here to end up in my top 5 if we see a growth arc like I have a hunch about — but even if that doesn’t happen, I can’t see him having a negative impact on the season overall.

28. Ciera: The thing about Ciera is that I feel like everything that makes her interesting — her relationship with her mom, her teen pregnancy — is stuff we know already. She was a great, fleshed out character in BvW… but I’m not sure what else we can learn about her that we don’t already know. Most of the things that made her interesting were dependent on the theme of her original season. If we get more of the same personality, I’ll still probably like her, because I did like her a lot in BvW… but I’m not sure how much more she has to offer.

29. Stephen: I’m really torn here. I really like Stephen in Tocantins, and I’m glad he’s finally getting the opportunity to come back. He’s relatable, likable, just an all around good guy that could be in any season and probably be good in it. The problem I have is that nobody else in the entire cast is as well-versed when it comes to social capital in the Survivor world. Hopefully the fears are unwarranted, because I did like him a lot in Tocantins, but I can’t say I’d be shocked to see him march his way to a win with all of his pregame connections. So like with Ciera, I’ll love him if we get more of the same… but unlike Ciera, I think his worst case could potentially be season-ruining. Hoping for the best.

30. Kimmi: If you had told me 6 months ago that Survivor 31 would feature Kimmi Kappenberg retuning to play again… I would’ve called you insane. But here she is! Kimmi is back, and better than ever! Out of anyone in the cast, she may be the most changed since her initial appearance, lifestyle wise. But I don’t see the character of Kimmi Kappenberg changing all that much. She’s annoying, she’s loud, and she’s great to watch. It’ll be interesting to see how she deals with people like Abi-Maria and Keith this time around. I don’t see her lasting long or fitting in (she was booted before the merge in a season from 15 years ago), but however long she lasts she’ll be a fun addition to the cast.

31. Monica: Of everything that happened the night of the cast announcement, Monica getting in was probably the most shocking. If you had told me T-Bird and Shane would be snubbed, I would believe that (although I would also assume that that would mean the casuals controlled everything and got Carolyn and Brad Culpepper in over Peih-Gee and Terry). But I NEVER expected Monica to make it, and I’m so glad she did! As with lots of people from Samoa, she showed a spark and personality that would’ve made her a fun character if she got more airtime. Most of this is contained within her boot episode, but still, we’ve already seen two Galus return and be interesting characters thanks to no longer being a part of Samoa’s absurd editing. I don’t expect her to get much airtime, but I think she’ll go far and she is a legitimate threat to win, and I’d be really happy if she does (also lol @ the Joenica showmance hinted at in the meet the cast video).

32. Jeremy: Lots of people have turned on him since SJDS aired, and after rewatching the season… I don’t get it. The guy is an awesome narrator and super likable guy. People dislike him for being too whiny, but like… that’s the point. You have this extremely strong, pretty intelligent guy who’s perfect for Survivor on paper, and the idea of people being happy just pisses him off, which I find hilarious. I don’t think he ever got to gamebotty (his boot is actually super tragic), and his jury speech would’ve sucked if he could speak coherently, but… he couldn’t, so it was kinda lulzy. I think he’ll do well this season; there are bigger threats out there, and he didn’t last long enough in SJDS to come in with a huge target. Can’t wait to see how he hangs with some of the bigger personalities here.

33. Kelly: I’m honestly amazed that Kelly Wiglesworth, who didn’t enjoy Survivor before it became the strategy-heavy, polished TV product that we know today, agreed to come out and do this again. But damn it, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to it. The fact that this woman, who basically went into hiding for Y2K and didn’t come out until 2015 agreed to go on Survivor again is just amazing. She is going to be in over her head, she isn’t going to enjoy herself, she has no idea what she’s gotten herself into and she isn’t going to last long. But she will be a fascinating case study while she’s there and has tons of potential for a multi-season growth arc.

34. Keith: lol. Keith is one of the few in this cast who I’m not looking forward too that much as an individual — we know what to expect from him, he seems like the type that can never change, and him in the Meet the Cast video is proof of that — but there is nobody who I’m more excited to see interacting with some of the other characters out there. He’s always good for a soundbite in the background and for accidentally shaking things up. There’s not much to say about Keith — he’s one of a kind, and his interactions with the likes of Kimmi Kappenberg, Kass McQuillen and Abi-Maria Gomes are guaranteed be comedic gold.

35. Abi-Maria: This season, there's going to plenty of strategy, comic relief, and hopefully some character growth. Abi doesn't really fit into any of those categories, and is mainly here for causing drama. She tells it like it is, she probably doesn't like you, and you probably don't like her, and as a viewer, I wouldn't have it any other way. I would've LOVED to see her interact with Shane, but we can't always have nice things. Still, Abi is someone you could plop in just about any season and be entertained by. The way she reacts to people and the way people react to her will never not be TV gold.

36. Jeff: I still can't really believe that someone as random and forgotten as Jeff Varner is coming back to Survivor after all of these years, but I'm really happy he made it! I didn't care much about him and forgot him for the most part myself until I rewatched Australia a few months ago, and I was surprised at how much I enjoyed him there. He seems so happy about being out there and is ready to go. I've seen him compared to Jonathan Penner recently, and I do really like that comparison. Both are enthusiastic, excellent speakers who just naturally seem like they belong on TV, and both talk about strategy a lot and are very aware of it, but aren't able to execute particularly well. He could go early for not fitting in/being too old school, but I think he's unthreatening and likable enough to do very well, and I'm very excited to see it.

37. Peih-Gee: I rank her down at #3, but there's nobody I'm happier to have back in the entire cast, because I really thought Peih-Gee's ship had sailed, while Shirin and Kass have plenty of time left. But yeah, China is far and away my favorite Survivor cast ever, nothing even comes remotely close, and PG is one of the stars of the season. She had such a roller coaster of a ride, from being annoying and overbearing to in a position of power to an underdog to everything in between, all the while getting the best out of other characters like James, Dave, Courtney and even Amanda. It's going to feel weird having her back, since she seems to have a pretty complete arc in China, but I'm super excited for it, and she is probably the one I have the least idea out of how they're going to go in this entire cast; she could be first boot, winner, or anywhere in between and I wouldn't be shocked. I'm so happy she's finally back.

38. Shirin: Shirin has gotten a ton of backlash recently on /r/survivor, which both surprises me and doesn't. I still love her in WA and think she'll be amazing here, however long she lasts. She probably worships some of the people she'll be playing with, and it's hard to imagine most of us wouldn't be the same way if we played Survivor and got invited back to play with this cast immediately. I think her annoying -> paraiah -> slight growth story in WA was by far the best thing about that awful season, and I think it's very unfinished. I don't think she'll go far, or even make it past the first couple of TC's, but I really, really hope I am wrong because I don't think anybody has a better potential winner story than she does (and even making the merge and being likable enough would be enough to make Dan Foley shut the fuck up). I think she's a super relatable and just overall really fun person and character and I'm really happy she gets a shot to play with people that aren't horrible.

39. Kass: duh. Kass was destined to rank #1 on this list the moment Redmond confirmed she wasn't actually backing out. I don't really know what to say about Kass that hasn't already been said, but she's going to stir up shit, she's going to play absolutely terribly, and she is going to be the first boot. But none of that really matters, because Kass brings absolute gold every scene she is in. Her commentary, interactions with others, and "fuck it" attitude towards everything is unlike anything we've ever seen on Survivor. Like I said, I will be absolutely shocked if she is anything other than first booted from Bayon, but she will be great every time she appears on the screen and will hopefully help the season get off to an awesome start.

This ended up a lot longer than I expected, but oh well. Sept 23 can't come soon enough!

I'm also doing this on Clubs under my new username CadencesGalaxyScarf, but figured I'd still post it here for others to read.

Unlike many, I don't think age has necessarily slowed Survivor down- it's still capable of turning out strong seasons even with the new aims and intents. Philippines and SJDS are fantastic Survivor seasons and even Cagayan has a lot of tremendous peaks. Even if seasons like Caramoan and Worlds Apart utterly blow donkey cocks, I think Survivor can still capture the elements of the zeitgeist it used to be.

I find that a lot of the best documentation of Survivor things seem to break down from around Philippines on, which is a shame because that's when I started getting really into Survivor again. Commercials about Russell on the back of the already OTT Coach made 15 year old me think Survivor had jumped the shark for good so I skipped through Samoa to SoPa (the fact that apparently there was a season where a guy named Fabio was all over the place didn't help but I soooooo massively misjudged him <3). In SoPa, I'll admit Ozzy's stunt to jump to RI to oust Christine, as much as it guts me now, was fascinating to me and made me pay attention to the season only to get bored to fucking tears, and OW wasn't any help. However, Philippines saved the show's ass for me- great characters, great storylines, and great moments made it shine. Caramoan was abysmal, sure, but the desperation to wash it out of my mouth is what led me to TvTropes, and (yes, I know) the Funny 115, and PoS, and other Survivor havens that got me hopped up and addicted. From then on I was a sucker.

So that's the era I might focus all of my rankings on, the renaissance more-or-less of Survivor. I feel like you can say a lot about any of the next six seasons, whereas from 19, 22, 23, and 24, all you can really say is "is it over yet?" So I'm going to start off by ranking the top 20 exits and the bottom 15. I'll probably rank one of each at a time, giving some leeway to the Top 20 since it's more than 15, no durr.

Wish me luck and read along if you'd like!

Alright, so, Cagayan is DUN! Overall assessment of the season... I did an episode-by-episode assessment in my other thread, so obviously, you can see more details on it there. But basically, I agree - very extremely - with the people who say that this season is excellent up through the merge but tanks after that. Like, wow, I honestly wasn't expecting such a dropoff in quality, because lord knows I didn't feel that way at the time other than the F6 episode and finale - which I still had issues with but now turned out to be among the best post-Lacina episodes of the season. The premiere is just as fucking hilarious as everyone remembers it being, and it alone makes me feel like I'm doing this season a disservice in where I rank it.. but then I gotta remember that episode three is super lame. J'Tia's boot is a weird one in that it's totally building up to one payoff (the challenge) - but man, what a payoff it is. The swap episode is very well put together and definitely an above-average Survivor episode, and the Alexis boot episode is decent. Obviously the merge episode is self-explanatory.

But after that... wow. You could skip the next four episodes and miss virtually nothing good, honestly. Jeremy's "model" thing is fun, I'm a bigger Jefra fan than I should be, and there's some okay back and forth between Morgan and Kass in the former's boot episode.. but that's basically it for four straight episodes, yikes. Then the F6 episode.. it's sort of entertaining on a surface level, but it's edited poorly and the Tyler Perry Idol, which is a bottom-tier Survivor twist of all time ever and I hope is never brought back ever again ever, casts this big shadow over it. F5 episode is finally up to Lacina territory, though, and the finale is pretty decent even on a rewatch. But like, there's legitimately a span of five straight episodes that I think are weak and/or not worth watching, and the Brice boot episode is also one weak one pre-merge, and the finale isn't great. So the season has a hard time maintaining momentum early on, and right when it gains it back with the merge, it totally plummets and really never recovers, despite a good finish.

End result: I rank it #17 out of 28. Now, this is Survivor, so the fact that it ranks below 16 other things largely speaks to the quality of the series; I mean, what I'm putting it right below is Philippines and China, so. But by Survivor standards, I don't think this is at all one of the strongest seasons simply because absolutely everything that I'd recommend watching it for comes in episode 1, 3, 6, and maybe 4, with 5 and the F5/finale admittedly also pretty good. Its high points are really, really good - but they're few compared to the total mediocrity of a lot of these episodes. When I think "Maybe I shouldn't rank it this low", literally the only things I think of that sway me in that direction are Garrett and J'Tia, so like.. this is the only season in Survivor history that peaks with the premiere.

Now, if you watch the show for wholly different reasons than I do, then you'd probably enjoy the season more than I do... but this is my own personal ranking, so, yeah. As far as the post-HvV seasons go, I put it solidly at #4, behind Nicaragua, SJDS, and Philippines but above Blood vs. Water and the ones that suck.

And now, most crucially, the CAST RANKING:

18) Tony - My feelings on Tony are really mixed, so I'm not ranking him last in the blatant "fuck you and your eyebrows" way in which I rank, like, Phillip or OW Colton or Vytas last. (obviously there's a big gap between phillip/colton and vytas but those were the first ones i thought of okay) Like, if only because I know he has a lot of fans who I don't want to just scroll past this because he's last, I'll start with the positives: Tony was a really, REALLY excellent casting choice. His personality is kooky but also sincerely likable, he's confident and assertive in who he is and how he plays but also self-deprecating in some of his jokes, the elements make him crack enough for him to cause drama but not enough for him to bully Danielle DiLorenzo until she cries. Throw this guy on any season and he'll probably be entertaining; hell, on this one, I'll totally admit, even as a Tony detractor, that he was entertaining a lot of the time. For the sake of length in what I'm sure will already be a wall of text, I won't rattle them all off, but basically if you consider it a fun Tony moment, I probably do too, and he also has a ton that you've probably forgotten, like when he looks at the mirror and is all "I'm happy it didn't crack! :D" This really isn't a fuck you on Tony.

But it is me really not liking the role that Tony happened to fit in this particular season. Fortunately, it wasn't as bad as I thought going in; I legit thought that he could come out of this rewatch as one of my 10-15 least favorites ever, and I don't rank him nearly that low. But I do still rank him low, for these reasons:

• The Tyler Perry Idol. Holy fuck, this thing is unbelievably horrendous. Probst said at the reunion "But you guys would be happy if SPENCER had it, right? :D Then that makes it a good twist!" - which lolno. That's like saying that because you CAN win millions of dollars at the lottery, spending your life savings on lottery tickets is a worthwhile financial investment. Yes, if somebody who was in an underdog position found and played this, it would be fun for, like, an episode. But if somebody in a position of power finds it, it is really, really un-fun for the entire season. (And when you consider that there are super weak, passive players who won't ever find it - not to say that all people who find Idols are good/strong players, because ew, but like, Morgan McLeod is never going to be in a position of power and is also never going to find this Idol - that makes it even more dangerous.) If someone finds it who is in a power position, then that completely tanks the suspense and "anything can happen!" nature of week-to-week individual play that make the strategic side of the show interesting, and that's what we got here. In portions of the endgame, especially the final six episode, it was built up like someone might be about to take out Tony.. but literally none of this content meant anything because he had the Idol anyway. Does that reflect on Tony Vlachos himself, no, and he actually used it in an inventive way with his lie and fun way with his bag-o'-Trix - but it is a part of his Survivor story, and it's a part I hated.

• He dominated a lot of the edit. Is this necessarily the producers' fault, no, because Tony was playing a really bold game that was really directly consequential to a LOT of the events on the island. He has to be the centerpiece of the final six episode, of the Jefra episode, of the LJ episode. They have to build up the FTC speeches at him, they have to build up why Woo's decision was so game-ending, etc., and while watching the season I didn't get the sense that there was a ton of air time that could easily have been removed the way there's so much for Phillip, Hantz, etc. (Although there was certainly /some/, especially in the LJ episode. He did have some strategy confessionals that could toootally have gone to someone else.) But still, at a certain point, I just get sick of hearing his voice. To put it in perspective, using m4milo's new charts, he got as many confessionals as Colby got in Australia... but Cagayan had 100 fewer confessionals to begin with. He got over one-fifth of all the confessionals in the season. There are some of those they certainly could have removed, I refuse to believe that they couldn't have removed a fair amount of them with other, equally consequential footage I don't know about... and to whatever extent the producers /did/ get dealt a shit hand with him being such a proactive, dominant winner.. well, that still doesn't change that at a certain point, I don't want to hear Tony's voice and see his face anymore. At a certain point, enouuuuuugh, he's already an overbearingly dominant personality and player without an overbearing edit to match.

• ...but while the producers did sort of get dealt a shit hand, they also didn't really do themselves any favors. I don't feel like the edit justified Tony's win, and I made it a point to mark down things in the episodes that felt pro-Tony or anti-Tony and was thinking I'd dig through these to come up with a strong analysis of the edit, and maybe I will at some point, but for now I don't feel the need to. Since this is my purely subjective ranking, all that really matters is that I, as a viewer, personally do not walk away from this season feeling like Tony's win has been sufficiently explained to me. We got a whole lot of "Tony's running the show" - but at NO point did we see his personal conversations with people or work around camp that gave him the social capital to run this show in the first place. Spencer calls him a puppetmaster, but how did he come to hold the strings? We have no idea - and meanwhile, to build up doubt, we get lots of "Tony's a jerk! Tony's our Russell Hantz! Tony's paranoid! Tony's pissing everyone off!" So we're given all these reasons why nobody should trust Tony at all ever - and none why they do. Then, past that, we get to the FTC where a ton of jurors have these super visceral speeches towards him.. and then they all vote for them. Why? If he consistently annoyed everyone with his paranoia, made his allies wary, and played a game everyone saw as immoral, then why did people team up with him and suddenly decide they respected him enough to win? I'm not satisfied by what we got. I feel like they expected us to buy into "Big Moves = deserving winner", which, for me, does not hold up when those big moves were deemed offensive and made by someone who was consistently shown to annoy a majority of his tribe. We needed to see more of what Woo did to alienate people, or more of what Tony did to win people over, for this win to really feel sensible to me. I can piece together post-show material with some realllllly minor snippets during the season to figure out how he won, but I shouldn't have to do that, and the episodes themselves didn't justify it to me.

• And then - though this is a lesser factor - there's the fact that I just don't dig, for a winner, the way he played. Swearing on all that stuff and breaking it with little to no remorse isn't something I really like to see rewarded. I could stomach it more if we saw more of why the jurors were able to stomach it, buuut we weren't - so these points kind of blend together.

So yes, Tony himself is entertaining.. but from a TV perspective, we got unlucky that he played SUCH a major role in the game while also finding an Idol that renders him literally invincible - Tony shows that you can be the most dynamic personality in the world and being SO overbearingly dominant still hurts the season - and then, past that, I don't think the edit sold the story of his win well enough, which also makes it harder for me to stomach the parts of his game that I don't like.

I remembered his story being told even worse than it was, him getting more air time, the Tyler Perry Idol being a factor, and his personality being more annoying and less entertaining than it was, so I exit this rewatch with a higher opinion of Tony than I feared I might.. but still, if you take him out of this season, it becomes wildly different in a way that I'm almost positive I'd enjoy more. In time I might look over my episode posts to try and really refine this opinion down to specific instances, but for now I'm content with saying that when Tony, despite being a fun personality, was at the center of absolutely everything I disliked about the season, I can comfortably rank him #18.

Where did we rank him?: 1/18 for Cagayan, 24/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: Ha, a second straight season of me ranking the rankdown favorite in last place. Honestly, though, Tony isn't one I'd contest so much as Vytas or others. He's undeniably the star and the breakout character of the season, so I feel like there's really not much of a middle ground here and he's gotta be near the bottom or top of your list, and if you enjoyed him, I can see how you'd rank him #1 for the season. That said, even if you don't have some of the problems with his winner story that I do, that stretch of four dismal episodes and especially the Tyler Perry Idol does have me thinking that 24 is basically at the very upper end of what wouldn't be too high for him. Although I guess it also depends on if you're going in their role in the story or just their personality. I don't know. I am more willing to agree to disagree with his fans, though, than a lot of the other contestants I'd rank low, because again, I totally respect what a dynamic personality he is.

And now I'm really fucking tired of writing about him.

17) Spencer - Spencer is probably even more tiresome to write about than Tony, but fortunately, there's not nearly as much to say. I don't think he's zomgawful like some people do; for a lot of the season, he's just a neutral gamebot whom I really can't care about because his confessionals are all pretty blandly obvious. "If Tony is paranoid that his alliance will backstab him and I survive another round, that's good for my game!" ...no shit? So for a lot of the rewatch, I didn't care either way (outside of his douchey, annoying estrogen quote)... but then he says in his voting confessional that Jefra "didn't PLAY THE GAME", he starts talking about how everyone else KNOWS SO LITTLE ABOUT THE GAME, and he gives maybe the second-worst jury speech in Survivor history. So yeah, I don't care about him 95% of the time, and he's unbearably awful the other 5% of the time. And now I'm happy to move on to the parts of Cagayan that - gasp - aren't Spencer and Tony!

Where did we rank him?: 15/18 for Cagayan, 431/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: 100%. Low but not way, way low, roughly on par with such gems as Julia and HvV Candice.

16) LJ - I remembered LJ being kind of likable, albeit in a bland way. Turns out it was just blandness. And his boot episode was the most tedious of the season, which makes him one of the few contestants I actively resent for being so uninteresting - he's not just a Mick who's dull but whom I can easily forget about, but rather a Denise Martin or a Cook Islands, who's all up in my face with their dullness to where it makes the season worse. Not much worse, because it's LJ and lol @ the idea of him heavily influencing someone's Cagayan opinions, but still.

Where did we rank him?: 12/18 for Cagayan, 371/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: 12 for Cagayan is clearly higher than I have him, but that's more differences in the other cuts than anything (the infamous Garrett/Morgan ones and other rankers disliking David/Lindsey more than I do and not liking Cliff.) I think 371 - well out of the bottom 25% of all contestants, and just one spot below Brooke Struck - gives him a little too much credit and suggests that he's just a neutral entity, but I'm not too bent out of shape over it.

15) Lindsey - Lindsey herself is someone who I think would annoy the bajeezus out of me on most seasons, but I do still appreciate her quit as a relatively complex and dynamic moment and, more than that, one that added to the fallout of a blindside and made it more visceral. Her early confessionals bug me and I don't think she herself is a character I'd ever really enjoy, so I rank her below the contestants I don't really care about either way... but in this particular season, she's memorable primarily for something that I think made the season better, so this is where she ranks. gj lindsey!

Where did we rank her?: 16/18 for Cagayan; 435/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: Yeah. Her quit is one of those things that I'm fine with but wouldn't really argue about with someone who disagrees, like Ben Browning or Survivor: Thailand.

14) Jeremiah - Model scene was fun. Painfully uninteresting otherwise.

Where did we rank him?: 11/18 for Cagayan; 275/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: Yup.

13) Tasha - omgcontroversial maybe? I don't know. Tasha was suuuper popular during Cagayan, but I've virtually never seen her discussed since then - even when she was on a ballot to return to Survivor again. So I'm not sure whether people still remember her fondly, or decided she wasn't that interesting, or whatever. Either way, though, Tasha really wasn't a big character at all like I thought she might be. I remembered her being this vaguely likable MORP3 force, but really she's just Mick Trimming with a few challenge wins. Good for her for the challenge wins, and she's decent enough in some of the early Luzon episodes that I'm wiling to rank her above Jeremiah, but I really don't care much about Cagayan Tasha. I do think she's a naturally expressive person, though, who has the potential to be more interesting a second time around, so I'm totally okay with her return.

Where did we rank her?: 6/18 for Cagayan; 184/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: Clearly different than my own but I'm fine with it. She has a lot of fans, and other rankers didn't enjoy some of the other characters as much as I did. If it were 6/18 for Cagayan because she ranked in the top, like, 50, then I'd question it, but 184/501 puts her right next to Leann Slaby, which I think is a fine area for her even if I'd put her lower.

12) Brice Johnston - Sort of colorful early boot. Not sure why I found him annoying before. Interesting casting choice who helped make the tedium that was original Solana somewhat less tedious, and I'd probably be a big fan of his if he and Morgan had ended up with Jefralexis somehow, but that was one pre-show dream that just wasn't meant to be.

Where did we rank him?: 9/18 for Cagayan; 247/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: Yeah. I wouldn't have cut him quite so soon or for the same reasons now, but I'd probably end up cutting him in roughly the same place. Went into the rewatch feeling negative emotions basically as weak as it's possible to feel towards any contestant; I come out of it feeling positive ones basically as weak as it's possible to feel towards any contestant. Cool.

11) David - Annoying and had the potential to be an awful season-ruiner, but fortunately he went out first so I can laugh at his total ineptitude and cockiness. It's nothing too entertaining, but it's more than, like, Ashlee Ashby ever brought to the table, so here he stands.

Where did we rank him?: 13/18 for Cagayan; 382/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: Yeppers.

10) Alexis - Utterly pointless within the actual episodes but ranks this high due to pre-show bias and the fact that I think she could have been good on another season. Is it super hypocritical and inconsistent to rank her high because she could have been okay on another season, while ranking David high even though he would have been awful on another season? Absolutely... but who cares, it makes me rank Cagayan marginally higher overall and also I can't imagine anyone getting worked up over where someone ranks David and Alexis.

Where did we rank her?: 10/18 for Cagayan; 249/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: Yeah, especially in the immediate afetrmath where the pre-show stuff is stronger. Man, for all the talk of Cagayan being a godly season with one of the best casts ever, it has a LOT of minor characters.

9) Cliff - Cliff was a little less MORP than I remembered, but also way more imposing strategically - he was super cold re: Trish in his boot episode, and I forgot how much his tribemates low-key idolized him - which balances out to make him less fun but more complex, a tradeoff I'm okay with. He still remains a random favorite of mine in any case and is to this season what Buzz is to Spyro 3: a little entertaining, a little imposing, but mostly just a tiny hurdle the cast had to step through before we moved on to things that actually mattered.*

Where did we rank him?: 14/18 for Cagayan; 394/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: I think 23 spots below LJ is a little suspect, but I know he's a random favorite so I get why others would cut him in a more neutral area. Still, I think he's a little too low because he is pretty important to some of those early episodes.

(*Although it feels weird to say pre-Cliff Cagayan "didn't actually matter" when it was best Cagayan - but fuck it, it made the analogy work.)

8) Morgan - When people say Cagayan had one of the most strategically impressive casts in recent years, I am going to go out on a limb and assume they are not talking about Morgan McLeod.

Where did we rank her?: 17/18 for Cagayan; 477/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: Naah. I can get why some people would find her particular brand of mean-spirited, one-note vapidity a little annoying or even forced, but bottom 30 of all time within 5 spots of Caramoan Phillip is absurd. On the other hand, she was one of like two contestants Solondz disliked at the time, so I guess her ranking so low in this format with these people was sort of inevitable. Still, nah.

7) Jefra - She started this rewatch a random Dabu favorite, and she exits it the same - in fact, I'm even more confident about it now that I've seen the episodes and know her edit wasn't full Alexis. She's still a minor character so this still might be a little unwarranted - but not wholly like I feared it might be, because she's minor, not irrelevant. Anyways, I think Jefra is fucking adorable and delightful every second she's on screen, she honestly helped get me through that really dismal post-Lacina stretch, and I hope she's on Second Chances 2. <3 With luck, she'll win and retroactively become one of the greatest players ever like Parvati. That would be such a dream come true.

Where did we rank her?: 8/18 for Cagayan; 235/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: I'm pleasantly surprised she ranked so high. <3

6) President Lacina - lol. I entered the rewatch thinking Sarah could rank #1 and expecting her power trip to be a bit better than it was - basically, I remembered it being as sudden as Marcus's, but in reality her vote-off at Tony's hands had been pretty strongly telegraphed - but still, anyone who says "I'D get rid of me if I could!" and brags about being the President in the same episode that they're blindsided is destined for a top 6 placement.

Where did we rank her?: 4/18 for Cagayan; 87/501 overall

Is this ranking appropriate?: Most definitely.

5) Woo - Woo was waaaay UTR, more than I thought he would be, with relatively few character moments that I didn't already remember. If it weren't for that, he could easily rank #1, but he still ends up cracking the top 5. I find Woo super entertaining and think he delivers some of the best narration of any contestant. He can take us through a scene in a super charming and lively way, and I wish he'd shown that personality more often or to more of the other players. He was having lots of fun, and it was lots of fun to watch. Part of me wants to rank him low for taking Tony to the end and robbing us of a Kass FTC, but it tied into all his honor stuff - it wasn't fully a Colby/Ian thing because he did think it was the best for his game and outright said so, but he also clearly tied it to his martial arts values - so I'm good with it. He's a unique character, especially for modern Survivor, and a very inspired casting choice who I think shined even through such a minor edit and whom I'm very, very excited to see on the show again.

Where did we rank him?: 7/18 for Cagayan; 219/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: I think 219 is a little low for him even with the UTR edit. I wouldn't expect him to rank quite as high as I and some others might rank him, because he was low-key, but I think he at least deserves top 170 or so.

4) Trish - Trish definitely exits this rewatch higher on my list than she entered it. The interpretation of her as an old-school character transplanted into a modern season toootally sells her for me and makes her a contestant this season definitely, definitely needed. In this particular season, she does feel a little disjointed for me to fully love her.. but you could just as easily argue that that makes her a complex character, and she could end up as my #1 if I come around to that way of thinking over time, which isn't unlikely. I do think she might be a little better in theory than in reality, but in any case, her loyalty culminating in that jury speech, her legit strategic chops, and her abrasiveness make her an excellent character to begin with; the fact that it's all contained in such a naturally expressive and even superficially discinctive person makes her one of Survivor's all-time best casting choices whose second season I eagerly await. If Trish isn't at or near the top of your "People who need to return" list, you're probably due for a rewatch.

Where did we rank her?: 3/18 for Cagayan; 49/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: I think I'd have her either higher or lower than 49 - if I'm going off her potential or thinking that the reality really as good as it theoretically sounds, she's easy top 30 material; if not, then I'd probably have her closer to the 70s or maybe 60s. I feel like she deserves a lower or higher placement than 49, specifically, but I definitely can't complain about her being a top 50 character. Boo @ Tony beating her once again, though!

3) Garrett - jfc

..Okay. I'm going to post #1 first, because I went back and forth on this top two for, like, an absurdly long time - but fuck it, I'm gonna stick with my gut and rank:

1) J'Tia - <3333 #blindside? I never expected this at any point in time - not even while writing this post, until I hit the middle of a J'Tia write-up. But somewhere along the way (probably while thinking about that time she compared herself to a cat on a poster), I realized, my heart told me, that J'Tia was my true #1, and dammit, I'm gonna follow it. I already explained pretty much exactly why in the post about her boot episode, but I'll repeat it! I gained a lot more respect and love for J'Tia as both a player and a character on this rewatch. <3 She's still a walking bag of lulz, for sure. Garrett is an utter god in that premiere's second half, but it's J'Tia burning the rice that people remember. That's what all Garrett's stuff is building up to, and that's what makes his blindside so shocking for most of the viewers. Garrett himself is even enhanced by it, because the whole thing just becomes so much more fucking hilarious when BOTH of our boot candidates are THAT bad. Everything about that round brings out the best in absolutely everyone, and it's kind of hard to do a write-up on "this is comedy" so like, just fucking watch it. The reality of what J'Tia does is fucking gold, and her narration, the reactions, and the aftermath cement it as a legitimate top-tier moment in all of post-HvV Survivor. <3

On top of that, not enough can be said of how fucking out of nowhere it is. J'Tia bombs the challenges but actually feels really bad about it, she vows to do better but then sucks on the second one too and breaks down during it, and it's just sad times that make you think she might get a redemptive arc or be the Woobie or something, especially the former once a plot is coming together to keep her around... then, oh, she's burned all the rice. Well then. ... <33

But what's also great is how self-aware J'Tia is. I don't think.. maybe any other contestant in the entire history of Survivor, ever, has been so in tune with what their season's story is. She totally owns that the rice thing was a monumental fuck-up, and after Garrett goes home, she says that her tribe is a total trainwreck but it's at least an entertaining one, and she says "I stuck around because of a lot of luck, and a lot of Kass. :D" By the time her boot episode hits, she gives a fantastic confessional about how she's been just barely hangin' in there like the cat on the poster. <33 J'Tia is so remarkably self-aware of how the narrative will come across on TV that it feels like she's speaking for the audience - while also creating that narrative and giving us the things to speak about in the first place. It's brilliant.

And then something I'd totally forgotten, and this is what makes her even more dynamic, is that J'Tia is, like, actually pretty skilled at social maneuvering. Girl was on the right side of two straight votes despite being an utterly worthless challenge competitor on a losing tribe, and while that's partially due to Kass's (<3) awesome play at the second TC, it's still nothing to sneeze at, and I'm totally of the opinion that if you got to the next level, you did something right socially just as much as the person who decided you should end up there. She managed to outlast 1/3 of her tribe while being totally awful at everything, and it wasn't just because she was a goat - nobody was thinking "goat" when they were down 6-4, lol. It was because people actually, actively thought "Okay, so she's made some mistakes, but we still ultimately like her, we trust her, we can work with her." For people to still trust you after you've dumped out all the rice? That's pretty big.

And her TC answers are on fuckin' point, too. The most standout one is where Tasha says J'Tia is weak, and Probst, trying to stir up TV drama, asks J'Tia "How do you feel about Tasha calling you the weak link?" And J'Tia totally deflects it and says "She didn't say I'm a weak link. She said I'm weak in challenges, but that's not all there is to the chain, and I'm still a valuable link in other ways." She's super perceptive, she's charismatic, people trust her.. I honestly think J'Tia's biggest weakness is just challenge strength, but like, Sandra exists. And I'm not saying J'Tia's on the level of Sandra, obviously - but if you throw her on a Koror or Tandang, or even just a Drake, who knows what she could do? I really do think there's something to all the pre-show hype J'Tia had; she just got frustrated enough by Garrett Adelstein's existence that she wanted him to starve to death, and really, don't we all? <3

...also, she was so fucking bad at the episode three challenge that she played a major role in making Luzon lose to a tribe that was actively trying to lose the challenge. I have never laughed so hard at a thing on Survivor ever, and that shot of J'Tia flailing towards the ball and somehow knocking it off the course entirely is like the best thing I've ever seen. <3

So yeah, J'Tia kicks ass. The second half of the premiere is easily the high point of the season, and she deserves massive credit for its climax and for carrying it forward into future episodes as a legitimate storyline. On paper she's a hilarious trainwreck of a contestant, but there's some legitimate depth underneath that, and for me, that's enough to rank her #1. God bless J'Tia, and let's hope that she somehow gets brought back and somehow isn't voted off immediately for her reputation. <3

Where did we rank her?: 5/18 for Cagayan; 144/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: 5/18 for Cagayan is fair, but I think 144 is way too low for such a colorful and surprisingly complex character, however short-lived her run may have been. Definitely top 100 material at the very least.

2) Kass - I think everyone ever expected Kass to rank #1 in this, myself included, and don't get me wrong - she's also fucking fantastic. (FanKasstic?) She's a top-tier casting choice, especially in recent Survivor history, who I'm thrilled to see again for however long it ends up lasting. I just think that in this particular season, she didn't quite live up to all I hoped she might be during the late pre-merge and a lot of the post-merge. In the first episode, the merge episode, and the endgame, she was fucking awesome, but that's a lot of episodes where she just didn't live up to what I'd hoped for and her story just randomly drops off because it isn't convenient. A full season of Kass at her finest would be an easy #1 ranking.

With that out of the way, though, let's appreciate Kass at her finest. <3 (This won't be super long, because this post is long enough already and it's late so I wanna just sort of finish.) Popular opinion holds that the merge is the best Kass episode, but honestly, I think the premiere and the endgame ones are. In the premiere, the sheer reality of Garrett going home is just fucking astounding, and we have Kass to thank for that. The fact that Kass can be so pissed at J'Tia, but then set it aside and vote out Garrett.. I mean I love emotional players so in a lot of instances that sort of thing might bug me, but in this case, it leads to the Garrett blindside and killer premiere, so I'm incredibly happy and proud that Kass compartmentalized things so effectively. <3 The endgame, meanwhile, is where Kass really does get into full-on villain territory. She gets totally stubborn based on things she thinks she hears, she says the sentence "I don't even know what I said but I'm sure it was accurate", she does it all with this smirk that infuriates the rest of the cast to the point of countless meltdowns. <3 Watching Kass piss people off so much basically just by existing, watching her needle her competition so relentlessly, is definitely the high point of post-Sarah Cagayan. On top of all of that, while I'm not crazy about Tony's victory, that merge episode alone makes me think it's definitely better than a Sarah/Tasha/Spencer final three where Spencer probably wins, so thanks, Kass!

Ultimately her edit's just not quite as big as I hoped it might be. But in retrospect, and taking into considerations things I didn't include in this write-up for time/length (her discussion of gender, how strategic a lot of her decisions were), I could definitely see her ranking #1. But for right now, my gut says J'Tia, and I'm gonna stick with that. Still, Kass is fantastic.

Where did we rank her?: 2/18 for Cagayan; 25/501 overall.

Is this ranking appropriate?: Top 25 of all time is definitely fair for Kass. Still not a fan of Tony beating her but let's not go down that road again!!

yes I know this isn't about surivvor but whatever. watch this space!!!!!

Snow White review will be up hopefully in the next day, and we'll go from there! Disney!<3

So I watched the super long Cagayan premiere!

Thoughts n' Observations, of which there are many:

• We open with Spencer calling himself a diabolical genius. zomg what a heroic underdog g.oddess <333 I actually didn't care a ton about Spencer either way in the premiere - like, on paper pretty much everything he did here was annoying, but in practice I just didn't care either way. That said, I have decided, for shits and giggles, to keep a running tally of how many Spencer confessionals involve talking up his own game or belittling someone else's. So far, that count stands at 5 out of 6. (...That said, when his tribemates include Garrett, J'Tia, and David... I can't really blame him. It's really just the "I'm going to be the best player ever and I'm a diabolical genius" that's pretty cringeworthy.)

• Woo is so pretty.

• LJ is as I remember him: the definition of bland, mildly-agreeable-when-not-too-visible, MOR/CP-neutral. Like, it's almost comical how fucking perfectly this guy fits into the trope of "vaguely nice but uninteresting, athletic, CP-lite, neutral male who goes out early post-merge."

• Kass had subtly amazing premiere, one that is a lot better when you're doing a rewatch. She was already set up in subtle ways as a villain: her first confessional talks about how everyone's going to see her as the cute mom but really she'll be more ruthless than any of them - which she backs up way more than most contestants back up their opening confessionals. There's a bit of a hit in the music when she tells J'Tia she's honest, and in the latter half of the premiere, she gives a great confessional (which I think was enhanced by some chilling music, but I might be wrong) about how she really doesn't care about handshakes. The seeds of chaos are already being sown. <3 And of course, we also got "Not very smart for the brain tribe" and wanting to see the data.

• I love the dichotomy between Kass and Spencer, too. She's already being set up as more fun than him: after she's on the outside with the David vote, she shrugs it off and says "Okay, cool. Now I'm someone's #3 - let's see how I can play that for myself." She owns the situation for what it is and is ready to go back in to see how she can make it work. On the other hand, Spencer's response to being on the outside, meanwhile, is "Who wants to welcome me to the bottom?! -_-" like bro, come on, it's pretty clear that J'Tia sucks harder than you and Garrett was an anomaly. Seriously, Spencer and Kass were handed into the producers' laps like few other stories in Survivor history: they end up having their whole feud later on, they totally represent polar opposite segments of the fanbase, and they're already unknowingly giving the editors this awesome contrast. Can't wait to watch them play out more. (Also, this write-up kinda reads like I hate Spencer, but I really don't - at least not yet. I just think he's kinda a joke, but I think he works as a joke and foil to Kass... at least for now.) Also, last note on Kass/Spencer: when they show three confessionals from each tribe at the start, the Luzon ones obviously include David as the first boot; the other two they include, though, are Kass and Spencer. <3

• David was a decent first boot - more than I remembered. He himself is pretty cringey and I'm definitely now on board with the "He would have been fucking awful if he had stuck around and we dodged a colossal bullet" bandwagon - not that he's necessarily a bad person or whatever, but he just has the Jim Rice-y approach to the game that I don't like watching. But as it stands, I think he works as a first boot, because he just fucks himself up so badly and is so tangibly slimy from the get-go. Immediately correcting his tribe by saying "IT'S NOT A SUIT BECAUSE IT DOESN'T MATCH -_-", confidently saying "I make decisions all the time and I didn't even have to think I choose GARRETT because I'm thinking about Day 39!" in front of fucking everyone, overthinking the gimmicky division by being "scared to [his] core" about why Garrett's on the brain tribe... seriously, this guy could have been a major season-ruiner - but as it stands, I think his ineptitude is a little fun to laugh at and he serves as a good warning against absurd early overplaying.

• Before we handle the utter deities of failure that are J'Tia/Garrett, I'll move on to the other tribes where I have significantly less to say. Solana are pretty much irrelevant: Jefra is UTR cute <3, Alexis is just UTR, LJ I already covered for some reason. Brice was an alright character with his crayon confessional and purple pants - it feels like he's being set up to go way further than he does. And as for Jeremiah, I had to think for a few seconds to remember whom I was forgetting.

• This leaves us with the star of premiere Solana: Morgan. I know she has her detractors, and maybe as the season goes on I'll feel similarly (because I remember her edit basically tanking after the first episode lol), but for now I think she was fantastic. She's such a walking stereotype - an ultra-concentrated Strobel; the embodiment of how Jeff Probst views every attractive woman - that I can't not love her. She's quick to let everyone know that she's totally not conceited; she just happens to get everything she wants all the time because she's hot. She describes LJ, aged 34, as "old." She calls Luzon nerds. She says that clearly the only reason LJ picked her is because she's so hot that he would have gotten tempted by her. Seriously, how the hell does someone like this exist past the age of maybe 16? I mean it's not like she's particularly unique in any way, there are a bunch of Morgans and she has no depth whatsoever, but.. you don't really get people like her on Survivor.

• Cliff/Woo remain adorable, and I continue to love Cliff's laugh. <3 What a great duo. I wish they'd been so much more than they were. (I'm also happy that Cliff being a basketball player gets out of the way early with nobody really caring so his story, however small, can be more about him himself.)

• Lindsey sort of bugs me. Not awful, and she's dynamic in her annoyingness, but.. she's still kinda annoying. But she doesn't go far, get a big edit, or impact the season, so I think I might be able to settle on liking her. Pretty sure that the word "Malnutrisha" and her quit are literally the only things she does the entire season; let's see!

• Trish is a decent character so far, at least for what we've seen of her. I know on here folks told me I should like her because she's an old-school-ish contestant, which obviously is right up my alley, so that's what I'll be watching for - and all the content she's gotten so far fits that. She's just sweet and belongs on an early season, not caring at all that she wasn't picked or being as enraged as the twist wants her to be, and righteously picking rice over the food. Good on ya, Trish.

• Some good setup for Sarah, whom I expect to rank as one of my favorites for the season when all is said and done. Though Brice was my personal winner pick at this point live, Sarah feels very, very traditionally "winner-y." Her quote about blood, sweat, and tears is fun and shows her owning the angle and fighting, we see her real life tied into the game, and we see her being perceptive - it's so hilarious how un-hilarious and straightforward her totally traditional winner edit is at this point knowing that she turns into Christy Smith <33 oh my GOD I cannot wait. But if you look for it, there is actually some setup to that: she's described as a "talker" while they're all on the mat, and in the first challenge when she solves the puzzle, she tells Jeff "Wait, the Brains are still working on it? I think I'm on the wrong tribe ;))))", which holy fuck what a self-absorbed thing to say in front of everyone I mean she said it playfully but still, it just.. I can see how someone like that might destruct a little later on. (Also, I can't imagine that her line about how she gets paid to punch people in the face would have played nearly as well now, even just a year later...)

• Also on that note, I love the whole scene where Sarah's calling Tony on being a cop. The interplay between them is just great and it's the kind of awesome character scene you can only get a premiere; I think it might be my favorite scene of the first half.

• Also, I got this buddy, one o' my favorite folks to talk Survivor with. And he watches the show basically entirely for strategy stuff - he has 0 patience for people like Ian or Gretchen, and if every single season were comprised entirely of Brian Heidik and Yul, he would do nothing but rewatch them; he would probably pay money to just glance at one strand of Brian's hair. And he HAAAAATED this scene - and his reason for hating it is yet another angle from which to love it: He pointed out that it's basically Sarah and Tony trying to constantly step up above the other one in terms of unnecessarily awful social play. <3 Sarah asks him if he's a cop, cool. But then Tony denies it, which is pointless and awful. Then Sarah keeps pressing him for no reason, which is pointless and awful. Then Tony continues to deny it - this time channeling his inner Hogekins by saying "I know all about cops, I got like 50(!!!) friends who are cops. But wait, why would you ever think I'm one?!?!" which holylol And then Sarah continues to openly deny him, and Tony offers up his fake "confession" - they're doing it light-hearted so none of it matters, but it's also pretty idiotic if you look at it that way. It's just a fun, playful scene that I love. <3 I love those first impression type things. I think those are among Survivor's best moments - the moments when people are first interacting.

• Tony was great in that scene - I love his playful "confession" and his absurd "I have like 50 friends who are cops." That's about the best we get from him this premiere, though; the second half of the episode is a tedious Idol hunt and some strategizing I don't really remember. Also have to give a bit of a thumbs down to them building up their winner via "I would have totally taken the Idol clue." :/ Oh, and the Spy Shack was lulz. That might have been in the second half, actually. So that was good.

• I just realized I never mentioned Tasha, oops. "THEN QUIT!" was fun, and so was her joyous, charming attempt to turn the tides on Garrett. <3 Her talk about being unable to "play the game like it's SUPPOSED to be played" is kinda annoying buuut she was talking about a guy who was trying to shut down literally all conversation, so I think I can forgive her.

Okay, okay, so, now the two people that really mattered in this episode: J'Tia and Garrett. I forgot about pretty much everything J'Tia did here besides dump the rice. She actually has a very good arc in the first half that at the time had me convinced she'd go out first: at first, she's veering into classic OTTN territory, confessionalizing that she's "the smartest person, hands down!" and going to tell everyone what to do, and then we start to get shots of her directing people around... Remember how confident everyone was pre-show that J'Tia would win? Remembering that context, and remembering how I felt when it became apparent that she'd instead be out first... This right here, the moment where she gives that confessional and we cut back to camp, is basically the lulzy, Survivor equivalent of when "The Rains of Castamere" starts playing.

But she actually does get positive and sympathetic later in that portion of the episode! She breaks down a little bit in a confessional about how she'd thought she was being motivating, and then at TC she manages to have a chipper and productive attitude about it, saying that she understood the criticism, had just been excited about her plan, and had only wanted to help the tribe - and if people wanted her to shut up, she'd do that, too. Her TC answers were actually pretty great here, and it made me think that she was going to get a Carolina-esque boot episode of complex bossiness. When she survived and then started to bomb the next challenge (Jeff Probst dick moment: "J'TIA STARTING TO PANIC! YOU CAN SEE IT IN HER FACE!! YOU'D THINK THIS IS WHERE THE BRAINS TRIBE WOULD SUCCEED!" like what the actual fuck @ telling everyone to look at her face to see how much she's panicking??), then she started to seem like the Woobie of the season: like she couldn't do anything right, but you still start to feel bad for her.

...But thennnn, the Garrett nation attacked <33, and things did a total 180. More on Garrett himself in a bit (much more), but he proceeded to let J'Tia know that she was going home and then leave her alone with all of the rice... which she proceeded to destroy, as if Luzon needed another fucking thing to go wrong for them. And then when Kass returns, we get a fucking hilarious exchange as J'Tia tries to pretend she doesn't know what happened to the rice , prompting a Kassive-aggressive "Oh, did the Rice Fairy take it?" <3 All of this played alongside J'Tia confessionals about being legitimately insane. Fucking hell, has anyone in Survivor history ever had such a strong premiere episode?

...yes, because Garrett Adelstein exists. My god. I knew Garrett was robbed here, but I wasn't really too invested in him before. Now, even aside from the meme on here, I'm in love with him. First off, what I forgot was his fucking voice. In short, I can see why people on Sucks call him "GAYrett" "Unfortunately, these HIDE AND SEEK type activities just AREN'T my area of expertise! I'm emBARASSING myself!" <3 He's just.. so flamboyant - which makes his OTT bitterness ("'You can help yourself or your tribe' - well just cross out that last part!") even better. Going along with that, we get him freaking out when there's a spider at TC ("It's, like, crawling on me! :D" <3.) And I completely forgot that he drops a "People see how sexy and muscular I am, so it surprises them to find out that I'm also a genius ;D" line, too, channeling Pete Yurkowski. <3

All of that is just from the first half of the episode. In the second... We get the main thing that I remembered: "This isn't FUN. Starving isn't FUN... I wanna play Survivor to outwit people. I don't wanna play Survivor to, like, survive." Like, remember when James joked about Jean-Robert being unable to handle people not serving him food? Garrett is actually that. <3 Pre-show he bragged about spending like thousands of hours preparing for Survivor or w/e, then he fucking melts down the instant he realizes it takes place outside <33

He then proceeds to fucking try to sit down and unilaterally keep very single person in the shelter because "I don't want to talk"... like, what the fuck? How is this not out of a fanfiction? This guy actually tried to just dictate what everyone would do for the entire day by whining - he tried to sit down, say "J'Tia is going home, and now NOBODY TALK FOR THE REST OF THE DAY" <3 - and he tried to set it up as an open forum for the tribe to voice their concerns... while saying literally nothing of his own. "Hey guys, let's all just say what's on our mind. says abso-fucking-lutely nothing" (Of course Kass would be the one person to take it seriously and just lay into J'Tia about how much she sucks. <3) And then, after making it abundantly clear that he's voting for J'Tia... he leaves her alone with the rice... and we know how that ended. And then we get:

• Saying that "like, painting me in a negative light is, like.. unfair"

• Saying that it's unfair to blame him for what happened

• Saying that you can't expect him to not follow you when you're trying to talk strategy, like stalking people's small-talk is the most obvious fucking thing ever

• Talking down to Tasha about how voting out J'Tia (which hasn't even happened yet) isn't against her; he just had to split her up from her ally!! It's like the most condescending thing that I can't imagine how he thought someone would tacitly accept it - like Don Eladio saying "I just had to spank you!"

• His fucking LOOK when he votes for J'Tia - a look of sheer bafflement and offense at her very existence <3333

• Not even bringing his Idol

I mean this fucking guy.. Jesus, he makes Silas look smart. This guy actually fucking tried to sit everyone down and prevent them from enacting ANY STRATEGY WHATSOEVER that didn't go with his plans, then followed them when they tried to talk... in the process leaving a known loose cannon by themselves at camp right after telling her she was going home... being offended that people had a problem with it... openly voicing all his strategy at Tribal Council and then pretending he didn't have the alliances to which he'd just confessed, while simultaneously telling the people in his ideal minority to accept the existence of those alliances... and still being SO CONFIDENT nobody would care that he didn't even bring his fucking Idol. Ultimately, it culminated in these glorious final words: "...it's really embarrassing in a lot of different ways. Really, really embarrassing." There, at least, he showed some self-awareness for once. <3

If I ever revise my old ranking of favorite vote-offs, that one has to be high, because it's also set up well in the story: Spencer and Garrett are set up as super confident about their position from the opening moments of the episode, and I fucking LOVE the facial reactions to it. Kass and Tasha look SO smug about having voted him out, and Spencer the student of the game is just baffled. I also love it strategically; Spencer tries to say later that Kass makes decisions emotionally or whatever, but if that were the case... she wouldn't have voted out Garrett over J'Tia. It was a totally calculated move most people wouldn't think to make. 10/10 all around. When I rewatch these episodes, I make little notes of moments I want to remember or things I want to post or whatever, just a bulleted list in notepad or whatever. For this episode, 30% of the things I typed were about Garrett. God fucking bless him. <3

Overall take on the premiere... I mean, it contained the entire surreal fucking saga of Garrett, so obviously, I loved it. It was incredibly evenly edited; everyone had gotten focus even just by the first TC - a TC that gave us a great mix of both personal and strategic justification for the vote, and a good mix of providing some suspense while also explaining the outcome and not just blatantly misleading us. Most modern episodes can learn from how that TC was handled. The ep. does have some flaws, though: the "Tony finds an Idol" scene was waaaaaaaaaay drawn-out and tedious, like most Idol scenes. The edit building it up like Trish is wrong for taking the rice is really annoying on a fundamental level, and the opening twist - though one I'm fine with since it's still ultimately social - is heavy-handed in its execution by Probst.

I think it definitely belongs in the conversation for best first episode ever; I mean, it gave me this much to write about. That said, I don't think it's fair to compare it to other ones, because it was basically two episodes in one. Garrett's entire fantastic storyline is in this episode, and you don't really get that with other premieres. It's a whole different sort of thing to where I wouldn't feel okay with comparing it to others - but I definitely do think that it's one of the best, alongside Africa, Amazon, Pearl Islands, Vanuatu, and HvV.

Onward and upward to shorter episodes which will probably have shorter posts, too.

Hello Survivor fans!

I, like many, was captivated by this rankdown, tuned in for every cut and still visit my favorite writeups to this day.

Of course, I've wanted to participate in my own rankdown since I saw this one, and I've been excited to see I haven't been alone in this sentiment.

So I'm proud to announce that /r/SurvivorRankdownII is kicking off within a couple days, and hope that you tune in.

This isn't just another imitator rankdown doomed to poor writeups, attendance, and a premature death! This rankdown features several dedicated lurkers from the original rankdown as well as the valiant holdovers from the first reddit spin-off, /r/survivorrankdown2.

We're bringing a talented, committed group of rankers as well as a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FORMAT than the first rankdown! So head on over to the page, subscribe and hope for the best. We probably won't match the quality of the first one, but we're bringing a fun format and a lot of enthusiasm, so I'm excited to see where this goes.