🔖 Join the SubSanctuary Book Club! 🔖

Are you a submissive looking to connect with others and explore the world of BDSM through literature? Join us as we dive into Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns, a classic guide to the art of BDSM, focusing on safe, sane, and consensual practices. Through humor, personal anecdotes, and detailed advice, this book covers everything from the basics of power exchange to advanced techniques in bondage, discipline, and more.

📚 What to Expect:

• Weekly discussions and reflections on BDSM, submission, and personal growth.
• A supportive, submissive-only community to explore your journey.

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• NO DOMS. This is a space for submissives only.
• Switches are welcome, but all interactions must be from the right side of the slash.

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Once inside, we kindly request that you complete the following onboarding steps before interacting with the community:

1. Review the server rules.
2. Familiarize yourself with the server directory.
3. Introduce yourself in the introduction channel.

After these steps are completed, you will be able to fully participate in discussions and activities.

Come join us in the SubSanctuary Book Club and connect with others on the same path!

Discord Invite: https://discord.gg/ZFEmgu2Y this invitation will remain open until October 31)

We look forward to welcoming you!

Coming to terms with the idea that my perception of myself as a sub is changing is fucking me up. I've been a service sub for as long as I've been into kink. Just always putting my doms and their needs first and never asking for myself.

But now I want things. Things for me, you know. Wanting more than just taking care of their needs and wants, and it makes me feel like a bad sub.

How do you come to terms with your submission changing? Has anyone else ever felt like this? I feel so alone.

Sorry another post.

I’m in the process of getting to know and beginning the vetting process with some people.

One guy I started talking to on Reddit, and we moved to Telegram. But I’m starting to feel a bit uncomfortable and know I cannot continue with him. The biggest red flag was he is expecting me to agree to meeting him for the first time by him picking me up in his car from my home and driving me to his to stay the night?? He’s already deleted all his Reddit personals posts.

I’m worried about being honest with him and communicating that I want to end things here. My gut is kind of telling me to just block him, but I feel bad?

Feeling quite heartbroken and hopeless right now. Just needed to vent here to feel a bit less alone.

My previous dynamic ended a few months ago. It was not the healthiest of dynamics and I was not getting my needs met. However, for some reason, I miss it so much, and I’m desperately trying to find someone just like him.

I start talking to someone new and it might start off well but then I think, no, they’re not like him or they do things differently.

The vetting process, while absolutely necessary, is also exhausting. I’m so tired and sad :(

God it hurts. I broke up with him a few days after discovering her had regularly cheated on me. I am devastated. I had to do it. But god it hurts so much. He was Daddy and also my Master. So he was very nurturing and caring, but strict and I had a lot of strict rules to follow. I feel totally adrift now without that. I have all the training still instilled and it’s so lonely and I feel lost.

I’ve decided to be my own Dom and follow the same rules but to myself. So I record my meals for me, rather than reporting them to him. I make sure to record my feelings, for me, not him. Etc. it helps a bit. But it is so, so painful right now. My self care, my goals, my day-to-day life, and my sexuality are so tied up with him.

I simply miss him. I miss him as a person, as my Dom, my Daddy and my Master. Or who I thought he was.

Just looking for support with people who understand. I don’t have any friends in the scene.

hi. I’ve been interested in this for a few years but have no clue how to go about finding a dom and any tips/advice/spaces are greatly appreciated! I’ve got experience in the bedroom but am a virgin. Interested in men, women and nonbinary folks. I’ve got a few kinks figured out but a lot of it is going to be exploratory for me. I’ve tried on dating apps but no luck, not sure if people use emoji codes or something to signal to each other but that would be cool. How can I meet doms in my area and also how can I know it’s safe?

I (38F), kitten, am naturally more assertive/extrovert and I would like to be more willing to submit to Master (39M). He has expressed he is naturally more introverted/less assertive but wants to be more Dominant altogether.

Problem: I am having trouble getting into sub space, leaving behind control, letting go, etc. I somehow sit there and let the mind weasels get the better of me. Also sex has turned into a task that I have to stop everything for, instead of an enjoyable service & experience.

Looking mainly for audios for myself, however if there are some that I can recommend to him I would gladly appreciate any suggestions to present to him.

Willing to listen to pretty much anything, including (and probably preferred) subliminal. Vids I have a bit harder time because of family/everyday obligations, however I can add to a playlist for starting/ending the day.

Any assistance would be greatly appreciated! Thanks for being here!

Emphasis: D/s, kitten

Hard limits: scat, urine, permanent bodily alterations, free use outside of couple, public nudity, MMF, others tbd when discovered.

It’s been a very long while since I’ve had a consistent partner and while I used to be able to deep throat (with no problems literally could trigger a “gag” reflex for more spit if he wanted me to) I wanted to continue practicing on my own cause I have a MASSIVE oral fixation and cause I want to deeply please him one day.

Anyways because I’ve never had to practice? Learn? On my own do y’all have any tips? I’m noticing it’s difficult to do with my certain toys but I think it’s cause they have mechanical parts in them.

So I’m new to bdsm, I’ll preface this whole thing by stating that. Lol and I’m not sure how to process this or how to go about how to work through this situation.

When I was younger (17/18 I am in my 40’s for context) I had my head held down while I was going down on a guy as he came, which he knew I didn’t want. I had issues for a long time surrounding oral but eventually came around to it. And in the past with vanilla relationships I’ve been able to go down with no problem even with a hand on the back of head.

I met this dom about a month ago and we chatted for a bit, had a vanilla encounter and everything was good. I did warn him about another unrelated sexual trauma which he was cool with and was respecting that boundary. A couple nights ago I was having my first scene with him in which I was giving him oral and he grabbed my head and I’m sure you can see where this was going. I started pulling back very forcefully. He stopped immediately and asked if I trauma surrounding that and what triggered it. He was great about it all, like no joke I’ve never experienced this level of care from anyone, it’s taking a bit.

But back to my point, is how can I work through this so I can have him do what he was doing without reacting the way I did or be triggered by the action?

I'm just feeling so strongly after a nice experience last night I just have to get it out. It's sappy so I might delete this later, I dunno.

Yesterday I was feeling down for reasons not worth getting into. My domme of about one year (whom I also consider a very intimate and close friend) picked up on it via text then asked if I wanted to call. I have this bad habit of downplaying my own negative emotions or just kind of isolating myself when I'm sad, so it took a little coaxing from her, but she talked me through some and it helped.

Towards the end of the call she said I was a good girl, and I must've reacted because she leaned into it - she has this kind of amused, superior tone she brings out and she kept with it for a few minutes, praising me, telling me to take care of myself for her. Before she hung up she made sure I was alright, too... sometimes when I'm feeling submissive I need her help to come back to reality, but I wanted to be cozy there for a while and ended up falling asleep with that feeling.

Y'all. I have been wary before of mixing submission and wellness. I see other people wanting it and never thought it was for me, getting kink tied up with comfort so directly. But being cared for in that moment in that way was so affecting I'm still a little misty about it. I can't believe how nice it was, it was almost like subspace but not quite. I felt handled.

Lordy, what did we do to deserve good dominants. I'm so thankful.

Hi all. I identify as a sub and am going to start exploring some BDSM style things with my partner (who has never really identified with this life style or kink in general). Knowing him, I think once we got into everything and are more comfortable, he'd probably love being dominate. Just looking for ways and tips and tricks to get him there.

I recently bought a decent "BDSM for beginners kit" which I think intimidated him. Nipple clamps and butt plugs turn me on but make him nervous - even if they're going on me! He was open to restraints and blindfolds though. I told him we certainly didn't have to do every kinky thing in one go but I do want to start trying more things.

Any advice would be helpful!

It's finally time to say goodbye to daddy. I'm moving really far away for my career. I feel so alone all of a sudden. I really opened up to my daddy after being really hurt before. It feels almost impossible to find someone else now. I'm so sick of having people come into my life and then saying goodbye.

Long read, but in need of clarity and guidance from others well versed in this realm.

After a 21 year marriage, I found the love of my life and my best friend. We had a soul connection from the beginning, which was undeniable. BDSM is some thing that identifies both of us at our core. I crave to serve and please. I am sweet, nurturing and kind. he was the perfect Dom for me. 11 years older, similar life experiences, emotionally supportive, caring, gentle, nurturing, and protective. He became the perfect daddy Dom and I, his baby girl.

Our relationship has always had undertones of a BDSM nature. I deferred to him and everything and trust him without question or fail. Last April I had a hysterectomy and because of my previous marriage there were a lot of traumatic things and PTSD that surrounded it. I was vulnerable and shared those in advance. He was well aware of my trauma, and worked through them with me, though his approach is more tough than I’ve ever received and took a bit of getting used to.

Ever since then, he claims I am not the same person. That since then I have submitted to my own inner Dom and that I am a fake person in our relationship. We have been together for 3 1/2 years and over the last 18 months, a very predictable pattern has formed. My Dom will become frustrated over, a perceived facial expression or tone and decode it as disrespect or lies. Full disclosure, I have lied to him very early on in our relationship when we were at our worst moments. I have come clean all of those and have lived a very transparent life. He has access to all of my communication, devices, accounts, and I share my maps with him anytime I travel without him.it has now become as frequently as once or twice a month we will have very verbally and emotionally abusive disagreements that last for an average of five days.

A couple months ago I came to him after a fight and said a lot of the emotional trauma and PTSD I had was not allowing me to fully engage in a BDSM dynamic, and it was not fair to our relationship. I requested that I needed to put our BDSM dynamic on pause so I could heal myself and re-enter the dynamic whole. BDSM was a bonus to, not a contingency or even how the relationship started.

While I have been healing myself, I’m not ready to enter that dynamic with him because I do look at him with concerns for my emotional safety. I have heard his feelings and his emotions on the matter many times. As my Dom, he tells me that he will never serve a brat. He will only dom a good girl, which I know I am. My Dom claims that as I have submitted to my inner Dom, I am living a fake life, and that my true self is a brat. In order to love him and be in a relationship with him, I must kill my inner brat. This is the 100% cause of every argument we have. When asked what my inner brat is, I am told it is any amount of disobedience, disrespect, interruption (verbal, or body language), speaking over him in conversation, pointing out his flaws, correcting him when he is wrong, etc.

He consistently holds our relationship over my head. Things like a soul connection and experiences and things we have shared cannot be faked and I know it is genuine. I suspect the hurt he is holding onto something he refuses to let go and he refuses to trust again, even though the trust and honesty is there.

He has stripped me of my collars and all of my jewelry. I am constantly told that he is on the hunt for another sub because I am unworthy. He is constantly telling me to fix myself and stop being afraid to trust him. Tonight he removed all of our photos, all of the gifts I have made for him, all of my childhood photos, my aftercare blanket, and my aftercare teddy bear, and put them in trash bags by the curb. (We share a home, not married)

I have done so much work on myself. I know my purpose in life, I know who I am. My spirituality has never been stronger. I meditate daily, I spend time in self reflection, I spend time in nature. I truly dive deep into understanding BDSM from an emotional place, not just for the rough sex.

From a traditional relationship standpoint, I can see the red flags and the markers all over the place. We do have a local lifestyle club, but I truly feel powerless right now. He is a veteran at the club and I am a newbie so I do not feel safe there either. I’ve reached out to friends in the past and he has punished me relentlessly for it.

Where I need guidance here is from a submissive standpoint, what am I missing? I would truly love to hear from other Subs what your experience and thoughts are here. My Dom is my partner and my best friend. I don’t know if I have been too controlled by him or if I am truly lost and do not see how far I have fallen from being the genuine good person I am?

Hugs and thank you

— Clearly a throwaway account. ❤️

Is it possible to form a dom/sub dynamic with someone you’re not in love with or emotionally connected to? That’s the question I’m grappling with. I’m happily married and have no intention of falling in love or becoming romantically involved with anyone else. In my mind, my husband is my master, but in reality, he doesn’t enjoy playing a dominant role in the bedroom, and his love language is completely different from what excites me or aligns with my submissive fantasies. Because of that, he encouraged me to explore experiences he can’t provide, which led me to join Fetlife to meet others who might help me explore this side of myself. However, I’m finding it difficult to figure out what kind of Dom I should connect with, and the thought of engaging in a dom/sub dynamic with strangers feels intimidating. It requires complete trust, which means I’d have to invest time in truly getting to know them. Can I ever feel comfortable in such a vulnerable position with someone I don’t have a deeper emotional bond with? How do I navigate the boundaries between trust, safety, and intimacy in this kind of relationship? Can a purely physical dom/sub dynamic still be fulfilling without that emotional connection?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Sometimes I feel like I’m the only black sub on the planet maybe it’s just me but I feel like there’s not much representation or maybe it’s proportional and there aren’t many black subs compared to other races? I feel like there’s a lot of pressure to be a dom especially as I’m 6’3 so people just assume/treat me like a dom and it’s super awkward to be like actually no I’m not so usually I kinda just go along with it, anyone else had similar experiences??

, all of yesterdays Sub space was due to my Orginal character is this bad of me?

Am I projecting what I love about my husband onto a totally different character in my head?

What does this say about sub space for me?

I talked with my husband about it because I felt Bad and he barely reacted so yeah

Hi everyone. I hope it's ok to post this here cuz I'm worried about posting in other spaces where people may not understand my submissive nature and needs and get upset or triggered if they look at my post history since I have humiliation/degredation, misogyny, and CNC/rape kinks that I've explored on my profile that might be hard for the average person in general mental health communities to accept. I might be overthinking it but just don't wanna get reported or banned just cuz of how I express my nature and needs within kink spaces.

So I'm really grateful if it's ok to post this here since I figure some other subs might deal with similar mental health issues and be able to provide me with some advice and insight into what's been helpful for them that I can use in some way towards my own situation.

Basically my question comes down to whether anyone has any positive affirmations or mantras that help calm and center them when feeling overwhelmed by mental health symptoms like anxiety, depression, or c/ptsd? They don't need to be directly related to being a sub or a kink mindset but I won't mind if they are and would really appreciate any and all advice anyone has on what has been helpful for them.

I'm currently in therapy to address issues related to my mental health and trauma but my submissive nature is a core and central part of me that is very connected to my mental and physical wellbeing and self care practices. I've been assigned homework to come up with a personal mantra that I can tell myself in times when I'm feeling really sad or scared or overwhelmed but I've always had a really hard time with finding something that feels right for me, something that I can truly believe and doesn't just sound like a empty platitude or cliche or just awkward in my head. My mind also gets stuck trying to figure out the exact right and perfect thing to say to myself and it all just kinda makes my head go blank trying to think of anything.

Really sorry if I'm just rambling now since kinda feels like I am. So basically just wanna know if anyone has any positive affirmations or mantras that they've found helpful for themselves?

Thanks to everyone for reading all this and anyone who ends up taking the time to respond. 💚

Hoping for some suggestions; my situation is a bit nuanced.

I’m in a long distance D/s relationship and saw my Dom this past weekend. We only got two nights together and normally get at least 4.

We had two pretty intense scenes two nights in a row and had to leave one another quite early the final morning.

It’s been 2.5 days now and I’m only just realizing my anxiety, head aches and intense emotions/weeping/sadness might be prolonged sub drop. Likely from this being the shortest visit we have had in multiple years, combined with the most intense scene we have had in a very long time.

Have any of you had sub drop that lasts multiple days? Or sneaks up multiple days later? I won’t get to see my Dom for nearly a month now and that is also making it really hard to cope. I want snuggles and pets and quiet cozy time with him and can’t have that in any way at all.

I’ve tried early bed times, snuggling my stuffy he got me, masturbation, sending pics to him and chatting with him, self care practices like reading, bubble baths and eating well etc. I’m not sure what else to do.

At a minimum, maybe knowing this isn’t completely abnormal would be helpful as well as just cathartic to talk about. But I’m crying just writing this!

I have looked online and there seem to be many discrepancies on what defines them, so what is the difference between the three?

I want to start by saing there is 2 things in this same section. So long story short my partner once told me she really wants to have sex with another female how do I tell her I want to watch her get fucked by a dominant female and not being able to do anymore example I'm roped to a chair wearing a chasity device.

As for the second my partner once told me that if I wanted to have sex with another person it has to be another male and I have to be the bottom (which I'm ok with both) but how do I tell her I want her to watch me get fucked by a more dominant male? (She has also once said she likes more to watch then to be watched.

I honestly feel so loved when my partner takes charge and helps me when things are stressful. Like submitting and letting them take control/take care of me is just so great. Obviously I’m into the more sexual submission side too, but I’m curious what yall have found in terms of the everyday. Right now, the only big example I wanna try is seeing if they’d put my phone in a lock box when they know I’m procrastinating studying, but I’m looking for more wholesome submissive things like that. Any ideas?

This has been on my mind for a while and it’s hard to put into words. But anybody else enjoy/need the d/s dynamic, but you’re pretty….vanilla concerning ‘kinks’? Like not into being degraded or hurt, don’t enjoy rough sex; pretty much love soft and gentle but with the power dynamic present

Have been struggling since most doms seem to be in it for the more physical things they can do sexually, even soft doms. Been kinda feeling like maybe I’m a selfish sub or not one? But anyway just wanted to see if there were any others that feel similarly!

I bought a new butt plug a few days ago and i kinda struggled to insert it but in didnt hurt at all. After about 6 hours of wearing it i tried to take it out but it was rly unconfy. Long story short ive been wearing it for 2 whole days and i still cant take it out , the pain is not unbearable but its rly unconfy. I dont have anyone to help me take it out and going to the hospital isnt an option.The plug is a silicone one abt 2 inches in girth. How can i take it out smoothly¿

Helloo, The title kind of says it, 23 year old sub (kitten for specifics) looking to make friends that are also subs whom i can connect with.

I do have friends in the community so would like to make some!

So if you're interested!! Please message me

Talking to a new Dom and his one limit is anything that will get him arrested. Ehhhh, seems like a red flag, could use a consensus.

We have discussed this!!!! I have certain things to do when I feel it’s the time. I think he would do it right know even, if I asked correctly. But he said it’s my choice when it happens. Which I like. Im so so tempted to be like yes collar me now… but also collaring is something that’s a really big deal for me and am not sure how serious we should be or how long I should wait to know it’s the real deal.

Is it crazy to think it’s the real deal after only a few months…

I have been collared before and when that happened I was extremely unsure but went with it anyway- we ended up going our seperate ways shortly after so I’m a little worried this may happen again. I know in my head this is a completely different dynamic and much much better but to be safe how long should I wait?

I attended another event this month and even dressed up in a nun costume to go with the party theme, I talked to more people this time, made a couple friends and recognised a few people from the workshops I've been attending and I met people they knew. Focusing on real life meetups and events instead of looking online has been really good for my mental health and overall happiness, I have a little community now that I feel part of.

Just had a match with someone who alluded to dominance on Bumble, and then I added them to telegram and their name was Master A_____ - probs wouldn’t have matched otherwise.

I would be the worst slave ever, so here’s how the convo went:

Me: “Hey, Master A, huh?”

Him: “Yeah I am still trying to decide whether I am master or Sir”

Me: “Have you done a lot of this dynamic?”

Him: “yeah I can confidently say I’ve done a bit” (??)

Me: “So what are you looking for?”

Him: “Depends on what the other person wants”

Me: “Well, if you’re a master, are you looking for a slave dynamic?”

Him: “It depends. I’m into total power dynamics.”

Me: “Ah okay, I’m a fun bratty sub who plays with pleasure doms and Daddy Dynamic, so I don’t think we’re a good match.”

Him: “That’s absolutely what I’d be looking for. M/s takes a lot of effort so we could try a casual dynamic”

Me: “I’m going to be honest and say I don’t want to take this further but I hope you find someone fun to play with.”

Him: “I have a counter proposal. We go for a drink and decide.”

Me: “no thanks” (block)

My alarm bells were going off. As a sub, even a bratty one, you need to have absolute confidence that someone knows what they’re doing. Bad situations arise when people are inexperienced.

Grateful to my two comet Dom partners (I’m across the other side of the world for a while 😿) for their confidence and firm strength.

(Edited to try and fix formatting, on the phone unfortunately)

My husband unlocked something inside me recently. I love being “daddy’s little slut” and just something clicked in my brain

Only issue now is it’s all I think about? I mean it’s only been a day but is that normal?

I’m still figuring out what kind of submissive I am

I don't think I have ever experienced a sub space or sub drop, so please enlighten me to what it feels like. Many thanks.