My mom told my pediatrician that she noticed odd behavior when I was a toddler. I would watch VHS tapes over and over again, have meltdowns, a lot of my play was just pressing the buttons on my Fisher Price Puppy or lining up rubber ducks, and I met some developmental milestones early. But the doctors kept saying that, nooo, it's just normal!

So I finally get diagnosed at 17 (January 2021). The specialist goes "Oh, but they should bring back aspergers. that diagnosis fits you so much better!"

And here's the thing: I'm not even low support needs. They didn't ask ME about how I have dealt with bADLs/iADLs. The ones that I struggle with, I can live without assistance, although it is extremely uncomfortable. I was much too embarrassed to tell my mom I have trouble with these, or I didn't realize they were an issue. They asked her, and she didn't know.

•The sensory impact of showering is so unbearable that I have and will go a whole month without showering before I force myself to do so because the way my whole body itches is unbearable. I also can't reach a large portion of my body to wash it off.

•I am semi-continent. I have trouble telling when I need to pee a lot of the time and by the time I know, it's either too late to hold it any longer, or I have to run to the bathroom. I'm not likely to have a full on accident in public, but that's because I am so anxious about the idea of it happening. I still will deal with a significant amount of leakage.

•I have trouble with wearing appropriate clothes. I know what is appropriate to wear, but wearing anything other than basketball shorts or loose fitting pants and a t-shirt or (again, loose fitting) hoodie is overstimulating sensory input.

•I have some difficulty with mobility. I can stand, I can sit, I can lay down, I can walk. But when I stand, I push myself up. I can't stand up otherwise. It hurts my wrists. My back, knees, hips, and ankles hurt just from regular standing and walking. When I got my diagnosis, I assumed I was just fat and lazy, and I am able to "tune out" pain unless it's agonizing, so I thought it was normal.

•I have trouble with toileting. Remember how I said I can't reach a large portion of my body in the shower? Well, one of those areas is my behind. I can only reach it somewhat from the front... and considering I currently have female genitals, that's not good at all.

(this is where iADLs start).

•I cannot clean without my ADHD medication, and then I need an itemized list of everything that needs done. I can't and never will be able to look at a room and figure out what I have to do completely unassisted.

•I have a lot of trouble taking my medication. I will forget to constantly, even with it on a routine. When I can remember, I have to take them with anything but water, or I gag and have to reswallow them.

•I can cook, but due to the mobility issues and how overstimulating it gets, it's extremely difficult. I struggle with eating and preparing a balanced diet, to the point where I know I have nutritional deficiencies, but my body will literally make me no longer hungry or even nauseous if I try to eat a lot of healthy foods.

•Shopping is so overstimulating that it takes all that I have to not have a meltdown. When people are with me, I get snappy with them because I'm so overwhelmed that somebody standing near me is too much.

•I cannot drive. It's not because I haven't learned but because between my inability to pay attention to multiple things and my debilitating fear that I'm going to press the wrong pedal and go flying into a nearby fence or something, it's just not possible.

I am also not even level 1.

•When I communicate with anybody outside of a professional setting, the fact that I am disabled socially is very obvious.

•I do not speak to anyone but my fiancée (who I met as a child) and mother unless I'm spoken to first (this does not apply to text purely because it's much easier to text someone a funny picture than to start a real conversation).

•I do not know how to have a conversation. I just kind of say things and hope it works out.

•I do not understand body language at all. The only kind of body language I even know exists is eye contact, which causes me physical pain to make.

•I stim nonstop in obvious ways (usually rocking back and forth). If I stop stimming for too long, I will start twitching.

•I did meet milestones early. That's the one place where I'm not really disabled.

And, get this, I'm not even entirely verbal.

•I can talk a lot and be talkative, but it burns me out to the point of being exhausted.

•My natural state is silent. I often speak to those I'm close to in noises, simple sentences, or single words.

•I use AAC occasionally, and it is literally life-changing. I go from constantly low energy to actually pretty okay.

In conclusion, that doctor was absolutely wrong. I am lvl 3, MSN. I'm just also high masking.

I don’t feel human anymore

I fundamentally don’t connect with so many societal structures, and a lot of those are seen as inherent to being human. I don’t understand the feeling of romantic attraction, sexual attraction, gender, the status quo, social queues, and concepts associated with them, such as marriage, the standard of monogamy, allocisheteronormativity, the, sharing a house, flirting, or even just touching people, but also the perceived divide in attributes of men and women, fat and skinny people, gay and straight people, cis and trans people, and femme and masc presenting people.

I don’t feel attached to any identities on those spectrums. Asexual aromantic agender, ahuman, “a”-anything.

I don’t like my body and I think I’m physically incapable to, because anything that makes people make any assumptions about me as a person bothers me deeply. It bothers me deeply how the way I speak, write, type, walk, sit, lay down, look, sound, and smell makes people put me in a box, no matter how broad that box may be. I just hate being perceived, having to think about how I’m being perceived, having to adjust my behaviour to be perceived differently, and failing at doing so.

I honestly don’t know what I am.

I have to take like 25-30 total pills per day (all prescribed medication) I can’t take more than 1-2 at a time and I have such a hard time swallowing them. There’s a certain spot in my throat where they get stuck and I cough them back out. This happens 50% of the time and then I have to try again with a new pill. Crushing them and trying to eat them in food would take way too much time and I don’t know if I could eat that much food. Because I’ve had so much bad experiences now I have bad anxiety when I take any pill and it makes me tense up and make it even harder. I can’t even take them with regular drinks I have to find really thick ones which normally is a huge texture issue for me (I usually only drink water but it’s not thick enough to take the pills)

I don’t think there’s anything else I can try…so I guess I just vent. People can give suggestions if they have them though. The last couple nights I’ve had a meltdown crying when it was time to take them because I really don’t want to. I feel so much better when I take them and even that isn’t motivating enough…

I wish I could be a good son and do something with my life and be normal so that they didn't have to deal with me I feel like I've destroyed their lives just by being alive they just want a normal and happy life and I've ruined it for them

Head up its kinda long so Im doing my best to space it and will have TLDR at the end to summarize.

So I've had a major burn out that's lasted 2 years now because I pushed myself too hard to work like people are supposed to for a couple of months thinking I would be able to bounce back but as Im getting older that is no longer a guarantee (Im 28 now).

I know brains dont have nerve endings but I SWEAR I can feel a very specific part of my brain turned off. Its almost like a clog or an itch I cant relieve and its on my left frontish side.

After being robbed of most of my executive function in my severe rage and frustration I did research and learned about TMS therapy where they stimulate specific parts of your brain to treat MDD (major depressive disorder), OCD and PTSD.

However I also read that its been used in studies to treat symptoms of autism depending on the area of the brain theyre treating and I also learned that the one part they treat for depression is the same one they treat in autism for executive dysfunction. (That being the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex AKA THE LEFT FRONTISH SIDE OF YOUR BRAIN)

While I cant get the insurance to approve TMS for the Autism treatment because its not cleared yet I was able to get them to approve it for MDD which was caused by my burn out.

At my first appointment they told me it takes some time to notice change, but placebo effect be damned, the second they started zapping me I accidentally made the technicians uncomfortable because I went from a blank expression to a huge smile for no reason and I didnt even realize

I know I might sound like a lunatic but let me tell you the zapping felt like I was finally able to scratch the itch and relieve tension. Like the relief I feel when I bump my head to relieve my meltdowns but without the damage. I felt my brain relax finally and I even fell asleep during treatment.

Its only been 2 treatments but Ive been able to since reliably follow my night routine instructions again instead of just sleeping wherever I land on the bed without brushing my teeth or chaging my clothes.

34 treatments left to go.

Im still going to be shit at interacting with people and dealing with sensory issues and probably wont ever be able to work a normal job again but getting a bit of contol back of my body was worth the fight to have this covered completely.

Im excited to possibly be motivated to do things I used to enjoy like play videogames or draw and just be able to have the will power to make food for myself like rice or sandwiches.

TLDR: Im treating my autism burn out symptoms with TMS therapy, my insurance thinks its for depression, but same difference since its all the same symptoms and treatment area minus the feeling sad part and I have felt bits of my executive function come back since starting.

Has anyone else gone through TMS and felt similar??

Yesterday, I cried because I ruined my wonderful dragon. Today, I got upset because my OCD made me worry about something again.

My colleague, who also happens to be my friend, is currently on vacation and I was supposed to be alone in the office room for two weeks. But then this guy came and said “I was told you have an unoccupied computer here, mine is down, so I’m gonna use this one for a while”. He keeps coming every single day and stays dusk till dawn in the office. I feel like I was robbed of the only safe space where I could spend time when I didn’t feel like going home, and he spends much of the time on the couch and doesn’t leave at 5pm. Instead, when it’s around time to call it a day, he orders food, sits on the couch and enjoys it over a youtube video. Something that I usually do. He knows I’m always swamped since I have to fill in for my colleague but he keeps bombarding me with his questions that have absolutely nothing to do with my job and are super distractive to me since my brain simply can’t focus on work while also focusing on discussing something totally irrelevant. I get overwhelmed. I asked him countless times to cut it out but apparently he dgaf.

He recently started giving his unsolicited comments about my behavior. “I wish your friend was there, she’s way more talkative and friendly than you are”, “how did you two happen to become friends? you seem like the polar opposites of each other”, “why are you always pacing back and forth, it’s kind of annoying, can’t you just sit at a desk?”, “why are you vaping indoors, it shouldn’t be allowed, I guess I’ll talk to your boss(no one ever had an issue with that)”, “why are you doing this with your hands repeatedly, this looks weird” yada yada yada.

I had to show up for work on Saturday since I had lots of stuff to do. He was also in the office for whatever fucking reason. He met me with “oh hi, your clothes look crumpled and your hair is unkept, where did you spend the night?”, I freaked out and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing in the office on a Saturday morning. He said he was there for work and followed it up by asking me if I wanted to be alone. I said yes, I hoped so. He kept quiet for the rest of the day, left much earlier than usual without saying a word to me. That evening my boss called me to ask why I was being so rude to him. And I’m at a loss actually. Where exactly could I possibly come off as rude? I didnt even talk to him much, just one or at best three word sentences and he reported me for being rude.

I wished I could connect with people better, so would like to make online friends who likes one (or more) of the following things I like:

• reading books
• sloths
• the vampire diaries
• the hungergames
• ww2
• drawing/sketching

I might’ve even been only 10 years old at the time, but it’s hard to remember. I was there for 2 and a half months, but it felt like forever (since I hadn’t yet been sent to Utah) and being autistic and struggling with selective mutism, it was an insurmountable task to get my needs met. Our huts were set up on a panopticon, with a very tall watchtower in the middle. You would have to yell your name and where if you wanted to go (really he only place to go was to the latrine). At this age and with the severe anxiety caused from my mutism, I ended up pissing myself and free bleeding, trying my best to hide it. No one noticed for weeks since we had to do our own laundry with a washboard and bucket. That’s when a female staff member noticed my bloody pants I was washing and didn’t know I was menstruating because I was so young, so I was never provided feminine products.

Also, being autistic, I was a very picky eater and we would get chickpea powder with water and a slice of pita as our lunch almost every day. I would end up throwing up the chickpea water (this was my first experience with “hummus”, if you can even call this hummus) and any portion I threw up meant I had to be served the same portion again and keep it down, because they had a number of girls with eating disorders. I remember puking 4 times and shaking as I held myself up on the ground, unable to stop vomiting. Staff would take pity on me and just put my portion in the ice box (but the rule is that I would have to eat it the next day)

I also had some skin problems here, but it was just severe eczema that caused the back of my knees to be itchy, raw, and/or scabbed over. Since this was a place without medical care, I was told to chew some plantain leaves and apply the poultice to my wounds. It was actually quite effective, but turned my scabs green and made them a bit unsightly…

Needless to say, I was the youngest one there. The second youngest there at the time was 15. My mom made the Missing Persons List while I was in wilderness, and that was probably the only time I ever talked in group. I remember the teens reaction to finally hearing me speak, only to say that I was informed that my mother was a missing person by one of the therapists that was phoned by my grandparents and that she had a history of running off due to her addiction to drugs. Most were there because of recreational drug use (almost all these kids were sent to wilderness for smoking pot) so to hear that my problems were even remotely close to that (I had not used/tried any drugs at this point, being so young and staunchly against them) and they all said they were humbled by what I said, and it made them re-evaluate the perspective they have with their parents.

I'm a moderate support needs Autistic with some cognitive impairment due to medical conditions/emergencies in the past.

I'm working with a therapist who's helping me apply to some online college courses right now.

That being said, I have incredibly horrible anxiety, depression, dissociation, and confusion.

Even if I start making some money, how am I ever going to attract someone to me like this?

What is going toappeal to them if I can't fully take care of myself?

I don't think a girl is going to want to be a part time caretaker for me and I don't want that either.

Is having a weak sense of self a symptom of autism?

Like not really having your own experience of life? I guess this might be more in line with dissociation?

Sometimes I get confused as to what's me and what's not me.

I came across this video of a "neurodivergent meetup" and its a bunch of people talking and smiling and laughing in a room.

I came across it because one speaker is a girl who works at Coyote Ugly (if you don't know, they dance suggestive and wear very little). She was recommended on my page because she identifies as autistic.

But I feel bad when I see people like this because first of all, she has normal movements and can make facial expressions and can smile and joke around and look normal. Even if I try to dance or try to make a face, it comes off looking weird and not coodinated.

And then a whole room of people who say they are autisitc...but I can not relate to any of them. I see them all smiling and laughing and acting normal and I would probably be hiding in a quiet room probably.

It just upsets me because are there actually autistic people who present like this and can act almost normal like this? Or are they fake and using autism?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/C3VamfTNzdO/?igsh=MTVkMDdvZDJwdnl5bA==

I will remove the link and/or delete poat if this is againat any rules. Please let me know.

So today I was at a friends house warming party. People started to drink and I was offered some. I nicely said no and explained I don’t like the taste of it. People began to say I’m so “innocent”! Do people know that alcohol tastes gross but they drink it for fun? I’ve always been labeled as “innocent” and I don’t know how to get away from that label.

I’m in therapy with a therapist who has years of experience working with individuals on the spectrum which is cool but I can’t get over the fact that she sees me as autistic.

She seems nice and interested in me but I can’t help but think that she’s just acting that way or that she doesn’t truly see me as capable or worthy of respect.

It messes with my head to think that people are just friendly with me because I’m disabled and underdeveloped. Almost like in a “little buddy” type of way (if you know what I’m getting at).

I want to be seen the same as others and get the same level of respect and appreciation but I’m not sure if that will ever be possible.

Just a rant. I’m kind of frustrated.

I was never given adequate access to language until I was nine.

I still have problems due to this. I have mild to moderate autism but I have such severe communication issues that in some ways I might as well have level three autism. It is due to language deprivation.

I was born hard of hearing. My mom learned how to sign a little. I did speech therapy. Everything was going fine.

Then I stopped doing speech therapy. My parents stopped signing. I stopped learning new words. I possibly regressed as well. Whether this was due to autism or language deprivation I don’t know.

By third grade, I was isolated, frustrated, and falling behind. I became withdrawn and my speech became unintelligible.

Yes, I am autistic. But if I had continued having speech therapy and/or learned more than 10 signs, I could have made significantly more progress.

My hearing deteriorated.

At the age of nine, my parents decided to have me get reconstructive ear canal surgery. It went alright except for the doctors forgot to give me pain medication.

I had difficulty communicating that I was in pain due to both autism and limited verbal skills (I had stopped signing completely by the time I was 6).

The doctors never gave me any sort of auditory training and I went from severely deaf to mostly hearing in a single day. Well, I freaked out. I picked up vocabulary very quickly, but I started getting overwhelmed by every sound. Sometimes I cried all day long sobbing. Nobody seemed to care.

Then I went through an awful period of having to keep my siblings safe from a monster who dares call themself my family member.

I stopped progressing at around the age of seventh grade and didn’t really gain new skills until 11th grade.

Two years later, I am unable to have a conversation face to face but can type and write just fine.

I don’t know if I would have ever been “normal” if someone had cared enough to help me have accessible language, but my communication skills would be much better.

I’m learning to sign now.

Hi! I was not formally diagnosed with autism( Many problems with eval including doctor misspelling my name repeatedly and getting info wrong) but have all symptom. I am MSN and going into college next year. I have to meet with their disability office. Anyone have any tips?

EDIT: I am officially diagnosed with Other Specified Neurodevelopmental Disorder. I just not diagnosed with autism. I am medium support needs due to that and other disabilities.

He has hives he is struggling with and is having a melt down about not being able to swallow a pill smaller than his fingernail. I have tried water and milk, he ended up spitting pills out both times and is now screaming and crying. Is benadryl crushable? What else can work? He has ARFID as well and already has a hard time with food.

I frequently play Dragon City and I accidentally got rid of my favourite dragon, Steve the Kai-Croc dragon. He was level 35 and very powerful.

I recalled him without knowing what it meant. I have extra orbs now and extra Kai-Croc dragons, but I don't have my original Steve in his proper form.

I started crying when I realised that I no longer have my powerful Steve. I contacted Dragon City's customer support and I hope I'll get him back.

I understand many disabled people have cognitive and developmental disorders, but having known people who would be described that way... they don't have the mind of a child. They've all clearly been adults who have a disability, who respond and interact with people differently than children do. A person being non-verbal obviously doesn't make them a toddler, just because it's not communication in a neurotypical way doesn't mean they're children.

Is there a medical basis to assigning younger ages to people's minds or is it more their carers/family that do that? It seems very arbitrary given that disabled people are often very advanced in one area but limited in another. (I'm sure every single one of us could identify areas that we're not in line with our peers, and areas where we excell.)

I might be way off base and it's actually acceptable but tbh every time someone is described this way I cringe and am a bit angry on their behalf, because it is often used to justify treating fully grown adults like little kids.

Idk, what are our thoughts on this? Is there a more accurate way to speak about this? How should I respond when able people talk about disabled people in this way?

My friends think I'm strange for almost never watching TV/movies. Even my autistic friends find it strange. One of them says "you need to watch more movies to understand the world".

I'm autistic and I don't really understand people. All day, I have to try my best to act neurotypical (and fail at it despite trying so hard), make eye contact, try to figure out sarcasm, jokes, implied things, facial expressions, body language, when theyre being literal, when theyre not, its a lot. Yet I'm a freak if I dont want to do all that with a film when I'm trying to relax?

Tbh, I find it a bit hurtful and hypocritical that he thinks I dont understand the world bc I dont watch films. I'm outside in the real world whenever I get the chance, and he spends all of his free time watching actors say things thry dont really believe, getting into fake scenarios with pre chosen outfits, makeup and then special effects and editing. Besides, films are full of stereotypes and unrealistic attitudes/ideas that often dont work IRL. Thats why I prefer documentaries, because they teach you about real people.

Sometimes I like watching films but I typically watch a few a year at most. I got into watching films again recently a little bit but really I prefer documentaries, books, video essays, video games, researching different topics, music, looking at behind the scenes stuff, socialising with my friends, and going outside in nature. Even running errands is fun to me because it keeps me productive.

I see real life as my own movie. I mainly see movies as a replacement for real life. if you want to watch actors get into pretend scenarios, more power to you. I like it too, just not all the time. Why cant people respect that?

I am late diagnosed and was assessed to be split-level 2/3 yet when I was a kid I was very verbal and could just power through most things that caused me stress. I could easily just copy whatever someone else said socially and that's how I remained undetected (or so I thought)

I feel like the fact that I got no kind of therapy or help is why I'm worse off now. I never learned I actually had social and communication deficits so I was never able to learn how to address them. All I did was copy the person right next to me in whatever they did or said. Like a programed robot.

Whenever I was left alone, I would find someone to ask what I should do, basically. And that's how my life went. Now that I'm an adult, this annoys people and they ask why can't I just live my own life. I've had to realize that I rely so much on direction from others that I can't function on my own. When left alone it's like I forget to even move from the spot I'm sitting in.

It's like I'm just waking up or something, to being a person. So my adaptive skills are woefully lacking because all I've ever done is try to copy.

I got an oral sensory fidget on Amazon and it has been really helping but it looks like it's for children, because it is. It's on a quick-release lanyard and I just feel embarrassed by how childish it looks.

Anyone know where I can buy one that's made specifically for adults?

I'm a huge fan of games that involve pretty menial tasks, they just seem to relax me, and the low stakes of a virtual world means that it isn't too overwhelming if things go wrong or out of order.

Do you guys have any recommendations for games like this? I like shapez, colouring game, the task parts of among us, civ 6, and fallout shelter. If I want to play puzzles I usually play minesweeper.

i (21 ftm) still live with my parents. im trying to move out but theyre starting to put way too much pressure on me and i dont think i can handle it much longer.

i dont work much but the amount that i do can take some energy out of me. i also need time to take care of myself, which i basically never do outside of the relax time i get with my partner and friends online.

my room is a mess, bc they dump chores onto me so i never have the energy to clean my room. they yell at me when i dont get chores done in a timely manner. they claim that theyre proud of me for how far ive come, then turn around and say that i need to get my shit together.

i try to tell them that yelling doesnt work for me. i try to tell them that im trying. that treating me like a child isnt helping. they dont listen and idk what to do. i want to move out but when i live in this kind of environment i just feel awful and exhausted all the time.

at this point idk what to do. i try to communicate my needs and it doesnt work. i have a hard time doing the dishes, and have an easier time doing other chores. i dont respond well to yelling, or to being nagged, to being forced to follow a schedule like theirs. they just continue to do it anyways. i dont know how much longer i can keep doing this.

Anything i should know? its a mitski one i love her so much 💓 thanks!

Note: I have been formally diagnosed as Autistic with Level 2 support needs later in life.

I just wanted to ask people's thoughts on this situation. I have a friend who when I was going through the Autism assessment process was pretty mean to me. They were pretty ableist in their attitudes and started talking badly about my Autistic traits. It was to the point that they no longer wanted to be friends with me anymore because of me being Autistic.

But now they are thinking that they are Autistic themselves. I can kind of see it, but personally think that Autism does not impact them to the same extent (e.g. I generally can't speak in a lot of social situations and that has always been the case whereas they can socialise and hold conversations pretty well unless experiencing high levels of burnout).

I am struggling because so many of our arguments in our friendship have been about how we are so different and they do not understand me at all and them talking badly about my Autistic traits. But now suddenly they are trying to keep saying we are super similar and experience the same things and it is just that they were high masking. I definitely do not describe myself as high masking. They have even started describing their experiences using the same words that I have used to describe my own even though I really don't think we have the same experience - we think so differently, socialise so differently and act so differently and always have (I have known them for years) - that can't just suddenly not be true because of masking. Also, the fact that they could mask to such an extent is a massive difference because I have not been able to do that.

I feel like they just keep wanting us to be the same so that they feel more confident in their self-identification of Autism. But I feel uncomfortable about it because it is not the same, I wish I had the social communication skills they have which they are now denying they have but I literally haven't ever really had them. Also, they were not really supportive about Autism until they thought they were Autistic themselves.

Like I get the big mental health impacts on high masking Autistics but I don't really think that is the same as having higher support needs due to being more impacted directly by Autistic traits. But I am open to what others think.