Tired of a boring, lonely life full of coherent physical concepts?

Visit Naked Singularities and get acquainted with the breakdown of known physics.

Stare deep past the extreme gravitational lensing and accept the sweet embrace of madness upon witnessing the cosmic absurdity of the singularity.

Shatter your preconceptions of basic reality. Forget physics' broken promise of a coherent world. Keep your gaze into oblivion. And come closer...

• The previous was an example of spam email

received over the [REDACTED] net. Please stay vigilant.

Date of Inspection: 8518-GC-B.

Officer's Name: Henry Bertrand.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Inspection Details: Henry came in complaining about his constantly liquidating tissue, in which case i assigned him some medication for it, since it wasnt anything too serious, and sent him off for the day. A few months passed and Mr. Henry came back to my office with his condition having worsened. His skin has turned mostly a black color, and most areas of his skin have become soft and would melt the moment i touched it with my hands. I asked him what he had done for the past few months and he told me he doesnt remember very well, most likely due to long term amnesia, but he told me he went into one of the areas that had been closed off due to being contaminated by accident. He told me that there weren't any signs showing that it was closed off, nor was the door ever locked. I wrote a letter for Mr. Dalahan explaining Henry's situation and sent Henry off with the letter and had him go to Mr. Dalahan for further treatment.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————

Possible illnesses: Long term Amnesia, a feaster cell entering his body through the nasal airways, mouth, or eyes and multiplying inside his body throughout the months that i hadn't seen him, and through some last minute tests a possible undiagnosed cancerous organ growing next to his gallbladder.

Footnotes: Mr. Henry has since contacted me and seems to be doing better now since the last couple months i've seen him.

I work in dermatology. The number one thing we see patients for is cosmetic concern. They pay for a visit just for us to tell them the answer is differin gel over the counter. Works for wrinkles, hyperpigmentation, sun damage, scars, uneven texture, skin dullness etc

For the past eight months, we've been sending various objects of little worth through time by using the Space-Time Dissociation Station (STDs) in conjuction with the Subatomic Transport Inertia Service (STIs).

The objects in question include pens, fruits, chairs, a few interns, and an unsigned divorce settlement.

None of the objects we sent appeared in the expected times, so we all assumed they just disappeared from existence. Some of us have been using it as a convinient way to dispose of trash.

But today, our contacts at NASA have informed us of an alarmingly fast increase of reported space debris in Earth's orbit.

In response to this, we have initiated operation G.A.S.L.I.G.H.T. to sort out this mess. Until then, please stay away from the STDs and STIs.

Stay Away, Don’t Drink, Contains A Tiny Bit Of Poison, And Venom, !DONT DRINK!

———————————————————- Page 1/8: “Well, We Need People To Contain It, I Think, But, How?..”

• [REDACT3D.]

I have been interested in the catacombs of Paris for a long time. So I wanted to ask if anyone knows of some entries to the catacombs of Paris. That it is not paying, but alternative and secret entrances.

Thanks

Everyone has a week to get into position.

Hello dear member of this secretive club.

If you're reading this, it means I've surpassed the need for a mortal body, that, or Mr. Vent has finally managed to kill me (if so, please see addendum 122-5-CAESAR)

I've grown into a being incapable of being tied to any dimension, any canon, any limited idea of what reality is.

All my life I've experienced visions, most of them were of worlds and realities different to my own…

In one my mind had been fractionated into three different parts that fit into Sigmund Freud's description of the human consciousness.

In another, my best friend had become a part of a terrorist group called OASIS, and I was forced to take care of him.

In other, the world had fallen into a dystopian future where cloning was a common occurrence and in order to keep the order of the world i had to betray everyone that ever trusted me.

Like these ones, there are many more, one where a secretive council of small amphibians controlled humanity, one where everyone was a toaster for some unimaginable reason. Each more contrived and less stable than the last.

This is the reason why I've been going through a spiritual trip, eventually coming to the realization that I must fulfill the D.O.OP. mission to its greatest extent. Leaving behind my former identity and devoting myself to maintaining the balance of the multiverse.

Remember “If not us, who will?”.

[Addendum 122-5-CAESAR]

PEANUT BUTTER REQUISITION FORM:

RECIPIENT: Mr. Vent

REQUESTED ITEMS:

• 1x 50 gal. drum of “JIF” peanut butter.
• 3x 50 gal. drum of “Carrefour'' peanut butter
• 2x Nutella pots
• 1x “Thumbor’s favorite” peanut butter with soul extract

C@←DN←OJJ←NOMJIB←AJM←OCDN←RJMG?'←IJ←JI@←><I←>JIO<DI←CDH'←C@←HPNO←=@←<KK@<N@?←RDOC←@<MOCGT←?@NDM@N'←<ITOCDIB←C@←R<ION←C@←HPNO←B@O)

He’d recently visited the doctor’s office. He’d been coughing up blood. Breathless more often than not. It hurts to breathe. He’s constantly tired.

After tests and a biopsy, it’s discovered he has lung cancer.

u/Rectanglehead has lung cancer

And he can’t get treatment

He’s sitting in his office, smoking a cigarette. He hadn’t smoked for years. But he can’t get lung cancer again

He’s struggling with it. And also the fact he can’t afford any kind of treatment for it.

Sorry for the out-of-character meta post, but this is likely to be my last post on Reddit, and I wanted it to be here.

In November 2013, after I'd only been on Reddit for a year, a friend of mine asked me a very unusual question - "Do you know what the Vent Tigers are?". I didn't, and was further confused when he told me that since I didn't know, he wasn't allowed to tell me. Despite that, it didn't take much pestering to find out the answer, and for the first time in my life I was directed to /r/secretsubreddit.

After about a month of lurking and enjoying the madness that unfolds here, I decided to join in. I picked the name "Department of Experimental Experiments" purely because I thought it sounded silly, and made my first post - Development of the [REDACTED] cannon has begun. It's a relatively normal post by this subreddit's standards, but the next week I came back and posted something else, and then I was hooked. My time in the secret subreddit had begun.

Over the next three years I posted in this sub almost weekly, and at some points I was commenting daily. I even started a second account, /u/ArmedVendingMachine, to play the Facility's malfunctioning vending machines who thought they were the security department. It was great fun, and even though our conversations were always about Vent Tigers, aliens from Zerx, evil gnomes or sentient chicken nuggets, this subreddit gave me something nothing else on Reddit ever did.

Reddit as a whole is a very impersonal experience. Even back in 2013, the main subreddits were so big commenting there was essentially like screaming into the void. Nowadays even hobby subreddits have hundreds of thousands of members, and you'll rarely see the same username twice. But here? Here, we had a community. A mad community, full of fake rivalries, failed science projects and complete abstract nonsense, but a community nonetheless. The best time I ever had on reddit was when I was in /r/secretsubreddit.

I dropped out during the furry invasion of late 2016, but never fully went away and properly came back when we revived the subreddit in 2020. Even since then I've been lurking here, upvoting everyone else's nonsense. It's been ten years since someone asked me if I'd heard of the Vent Tigers, and I'm glad to know they're still going.

Nowadays about 80% of my time on Reddit is through RiF, and the remaining 20% is through old.reddit. RiF will be shutting down tomorrow, priced out of the market by Reddit's API changes. When this was first announced I just expected to be here a lot less, but the rumours that old.reddit is next on the chopping block, combined with spez's recent actions, have convinced me to just leave for good. Over the last month, reddit has accused third-party developers of blackmail and threats, then doubled-down when presented with evidence to the contrary. They've bullied and harassed mods and users taking part in the blackout protests. Their actions are despicable, and I don't want to support a website run by people like that.

Tomorrow will be my last day on reddit, and after that, I think /r/secretsubreddit will be the one place that I will genuinely miss. This has been the best experience I've had on reddit, so if my last post has to be anywhere, I want it to be here. Thank you - all of you, whether you were here at the beginning or just joined recently - for making this subreddit the best place on reddit.

I've considered deleting my account and post history, but I've decided to leave it, mostly because of this place. Maybe in years to come someone will discover my posts about the Installation Wizard, Operation: Set The Entire universe On Fire or the "multiverse" incident (aka the time I spent about 3 days getting confused about which alt account I was on - there's a reason that storyline never had an ending!) and hopefully get some amusement out of them.

In terms of reddit alternatives, I'm Avengier_Than_Thou on both Squabbles and Tildes (couldn't get the hang of Lemmy). If any of you are considering leaving reddit too and end up on one of those sites, give me a shout. Maybe we can start a secretsquabble for old times' sake.

Best of luck to you all, and keep watching out for those vents.

This is Avengier_Than_Thou, Department of Experimental Experiments, signing off.

Next time someone sees the cheesemastet please tell him we need him immediately. The cheese is too quick, and isn't attracted to the provided bait. And it keeps getting bigger. טימטהעטולמאנטיילאר חיסע מאניפולאטיאן טעסטינג Foursday, April 19th

Team,

I’ll be out of the office for the next five years, with an expected return three days ago.

V/R

BG Burwell Baxter “BB” Bagshaw

Gone were anything resembling homes. All that remained in the great desert that clued him in that people once lived here were the skyscrapers looming over him like shaved cacti, now buried up to their 14th floors. He picked up his rifle, whistled for his dog to follow and set out towards the nearest one, hoping the scavengers weren't around. He glanced at his reflection briefly, looking at the LI carved into his head. Why was he here? Where was the facility?

Hello, I was led here by u/Rectanglehead , I need shelter and a place to stay, will you be so kind and caring to let me stay here?

―NOTICE―

Due to an employee error, along with an unscheduled, large-scale electrochemical experiment, persistent storm clouds have been randomly appearing and disappearing throughout the chemical storage warehouse, as well as the production areas. This extremely dangerous scenario is being kept in check using our mobile lightning rods, however, mitigating these violent electrical discharges has slowed down production to almost a stand-still, due to the random nature of the phenomena.

We never know where the clouds will appear, or when they will disappear, but if the mobile lightning rods aren't in position as soon as the clouds form, the entire eastern end of the facility could potentially explode.

A new hire, Designate JJ-155096, poured an entire 330-gallon IBC of dimethyl sulfide into the saltwater tank, instead of the ethanol tank. This wouldn't have been much of a problem, if not for the unscheduled, large-scale electrochemical experiment being conducted in the upper levels at the same time. I don't know what happened up there, but we sure as hell felt it down here.

Production area E-C is equipped with proper insulation and grounding capabilities, but they must be activated in advance of any large-scale electrical/electrochemical experiments. It takes two weeks to completely remove and replace the insulation and grounding material for the whole sector.

Reminder: the entire warehouse/production facility is 41,817,600 sq ft, and it is company policy to give at least 24-hour notice of any and all large-scale experiments, along with the sector its being performed in, so that we can prepare the necessary specific countermeasures.

Bottom line: My crew and I are weary, and becoming demoralized. I don't know how much longer we can keep this up. We need help from one of you big brains at the surface: How do we permanently dissipate these clouds? I thought the positive-pressure ventilation system would have dissipated them by now, but still they persist. It's as if the clouds are deliberately taunting us…

Though it may have been under different circumstances, but I don't want a repeat of what happened back in 2011. I'll never forget the screams, or that smell.

Regards, St. Gulik Supervisor, Drum-slinging Grunt Division

P.S. I have already contacted HR about the recent lowering of standards in hiring personnel, and Designate JJ-155096 has been properly disposed of, as per company policy.

“My desk has become sentient, grown limbs and is now in an active sword fight with me! Chemicals are weird, man!”

Tea, coffee and biscuits will be provided

u/I-am-Reddit123

Right now there are three maintenance workers down with the bubonic plague. A stowaway Druid is hiding somewhere in HydroPod 1 - 4 and Henry VIII is in Dr. Chester’s office refusing to go back to his own time due to 'unfortunate spousal issues’ as he puts it.

I don’t want to be forced to put up the ‘Clean up after yourself, your mother doesn’t work here’ sign AGAIN.

Thanks // Mabel, Housekeeping

Ps. The above also applies when using any of the Stargates.

Julian says going over to noah in true form to apologize, "I'm sorry for treating you like shit, you clearly already receive enough of that from everyone else, I could hear from listening in on some of the conversations in the vent" begins walking away "shoot me if you'd ike"

user: Kingcrimson
password: ********
(2) Unread Messages /Mail to read them
Current file: c:/Doop 134/Files/PER-KYLE-C.C. [XX/XX/XXXX]
Alternate title: Personnel, Kyle, Current Condition [XX/XX/XXXX]

The subject seems to be completely unaware of his past, displaying signs of anomalous alteration to a genetic degree, turning a forty years old man into a teenager, altering his bone structure, his developmental stage, and even his physiologic state, believing totally in the fact that he is indeed a teen around the age of 16 years old, disregarding any evidence to the contrary.

This Alteration went through different stages, starting by a mere psychological alteration, resulting in some very weird situations where he was still a 40 year old man, just in total belief that he was 16 years of age and still in high school. Eventually the changes got so advanced that the local reality got so distorted he started becoming younger and younger until he really was a 16 year old boy,  leaving no evidence of his past, although the abilities he once possessed still manage to shine through some if the time, particularly if threatened, this is clear in incident report OP-567,  where after finding out that [REDACTED // YOU SHOULD REMEMBER, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT STILL CAN] 

The local reality seems to be affected by this so much that no one seemingly remembers his status as leader of OASIS, nor the fact that he once was the most respected or feared member of the foundation, the only one willing to do whats necessary.

Addendum 1-A: 
I'm afraid there may not be a way of returning Kyle to what he once was, this anomalous changing in local reality is so strong it even managed to fuse, me, pinky and brain together once again, the resulting mashing of consciousness managing to put me out of commission for a few months. 

I keep torturing him mentally seeing if i can get what he once was to shine through again, but so far there's been no result.

The casing of the computer appears to be a creamy white, although it is yellowed by years of use and decay, and its clear that its missing some parts from its years of abuse. The Monitor suddenly lights up and its fans start rapidly spinning throwing dust around the room, it displays a prompt.

user: Kingcrimson
password: ********
(2) Unread Messages /Mail to read them
available files:
OP-171
OP-245
CP-QE-14
CP-RT-32
CP-FG-43
PER-FR-1
PER-FR-3
PER-KYLE-C.C. [XX/XX/XXXX]
PER-ANM-1
PER-ANM-2
PER-ANM-Mr. Vent.

It looks like you may be able to select different files and functionalities by using different commands.

Deep in the heart of the jungle, there lies a secret facility known only to a select few. It was once a cutting-edge research center, dedicated to unlocking the secrets of the natural world. But now, it stands abandoned and forgotten. Or so it would seem.

As a team of scientists and adventurers, we set out to uncover the truth behind the facility. Led by our fearless leader, Garry the Gecko, we braved the treacherous journey to reach it, fighting our way through dense jungle and treacherous swamps.

As soon as we entered the facility, we knew that something was off. The power was still on, but the place was eerily quiet. We soon discovered that the facility had been taken over by a group of ruthless villains known as the Vent Tigers. They were using the facility as a base for their illegal activities and had taken the previous staff as hostages.

Garry, being an expert in stealth and infiltration, immediately took charge of the situation. He led the team to sneak into the facility undetected, freeing the hostages and gathering information on the Vent Tiger's plans.

With the information gathered, Garry and the team came up with a plan to take down the Vent Tigers and shut down their operation for good. The final showdown took place in the depths of the facility, where the Vent Tigers had set up their stronghold.

Thanks to Garry's quick thinking and bravery, the team emerged victorious. The Vent Tigers were defeated and the facility was secured once again.

He's been oddly quiet lately.

Considering that's Garry the gecko got loose last week, I'm concerned about his safety...

Noah is lying down on his bed, eyes red. He has a high body temperature, around 100, and feels really, really tired. He had woken up, brushed his teeth, and then immediately got back into bed. Normally he would’ve had company, as he used to share this room with Luna, before she lost her memories. He’s been having coughing fits, and it kinda hurts when he coughs. He’d like some company, specifically from a certain someone.

Hey, so i noticed that Garry isn't in his contaiment cell terrarium, so i was wondering if anybody took him out...

Remember, Garry is a very dangerous criminal that will not hesitate to resort to violence if cornered.

If you see him inform the D.O.OP. personnel as quickly as possible.

Will the strange figure “Julian” please come to my office? We can have a civilised discussion. There’s… something I need to talk to you about