I just wanted to mention my most recent experience with therapy, because I think a lot of people here can probably relate to the dead set belief that we are individuals that can’t be helped and that we are completely immune to therapy. This might not be helpful for the schizoids that are content with themselves and their nature, but for the ones that are not, I hope this may help in some way.

I’ve spent the 8 years trying various therapists, usually dropping within a few months, always reinforcing my belief that they don’t understand me, can’t help me, don’t know what to do with me. Importantly, for a long time I also didn’t even have the words to explain what was wrong with me, (this is before I knew about schizoid and dissociating and splitting and all that) so I just knew that something was very very wrong, but had no way of conveying the extent. So I gave up on therapy entirely for a long time. But in the last couple years I learned about schizoid and trauma and so much other stuff, and realized how much my parents messed me up. Long story short I asked them if they would ever consider therapy, assuming they would say no and I would have more ammo against them, but they immediately agreed so I couldn’t back out. lol. They meet with her together and I meet with her by myself, but she’s also just like a regular one-on-one therapist for me.

We all have different backgrounds and families and trauma so I won’t get into the specifics of what I discuss with my new therapist, but I do want to say she is a trauma-based family therapist who is older, very experienced, CONFIDENT, and has ADHD, and something about this combination of traits made me finally understand why everyone says the relationship with your therapist is more important than anything else in therapy. I do not do well with anything that feels overly formal or professional or scripted, because the slightest sign of inauthenticity makes me close up and determine they’re not safe. I also don’t do well with younger therapists (or at least less experienced ones) because I can see on their faces that they don’t know what to do with me, and it would make me use a fake self that acted like they were helping me in order to make sure they didn’t feel incompetent. I’m also extremely avoidant, so anytime I actually did have a rare moment where I was honest, I’d feel too exposed and not go back.

But once I started meeting with someone I actually felt safe with, I realized it was a real opportunity for me to make genuine changes within myself. She was already meeting with my parents by the time she was meeting with me so there was no way for me to avoid the hardest topics to talk about-family and childhood- because they were the main reason I was there. I’ve never mentioned the word schizoid to her, but I describe all my traits as honestly as possible. It’s so interesting to witness my defensive mechanisms pop up as soon as I feel misunderstood - there’s some sessions I spend entirely convinced she’s stupid, can’t understand me, doesn’t get it just like everyone else, and my body is so physically tense during those hours that I’m in physically pain as soon as I end the call and release the tension that comes from wearing a hard shell around myself. I also usually dread the entire session up until the minute begins, and each time I log on I’m hoping her face won’t appear so I can get out of it. But I force myself to log on.

The sessions where I’m entirely honest with her and myself and just let myself sob or stare off into space are genuinely the fastest 60 minutes of my life. For the first time ever I feel how nice it is to have someone entirely focused on listening to you and hearing you out. I never knew I had so much to say, and there’s so many things I only realize after I hear myself talk about them out loud. And every so often, at least once a session or so, my therapist will mention something or make a connection that I hadn’t made before, and it forces me to realize that I actually don’t have all the answers, as much as I want to believe I do. So then this gives me a new angle to look at things, and new content to consider, and new things to say.

And right now I think that’s the thing that’s improving the most - the alogia (poverty of speech). I think a lot of schizoids struggle with it even if they don’t know the same for it, but it’s basically a lack of content in your head when you’re talking to someone, so you feel like you never have anything to say and can never carry on a conversation. Sometimes people with schizophrenia experience this as an effect from the onset of the disorder or their medications, but I feel like I’ve been experiencing it for my entire life, and it’s probably the most debilitating thing in terms of socializing and making connections (for pretty obvious reasons). I’ve always been extremely shy, nervous, quiet, selectively mute, and as a child I never felt comfortable around fun adults the way other kids did.

So the first few sessions would basically go like this: she would ask me a question, I would answer in a way that was very specific to the question, and then I would wait for her to ask the next one. Normally lots of silence followed. Like a q&a or awkward interview or something. I just didn’t have anything else to say besides the relevant answer to her question. I also struggled with losing my train of thought anytime I spoke more than a couple sentences, because I genuinely have almost no experience talking for extended periods of time, so by the time I was a few sentences in I would forget what I was even initially talking about. This is why her experience and confidence is so important; she always knows how to continue the conversation or switch topics in a way that doesn’t make me feel incompetent.

But we’re a couple months in now, and I can feel my thoughts flowing more freely. I can’t explain exactly how or why, but thoughts seem to pop up one after the other, or they remind me of some other experience, or remind me of an example, and the content keeps coming in the way I imagine it would in an ordinary conversation.

I’ve always been fascinated with learning, and I think one of the best things schizoids have on their side is the fact that most of us have a very genuine desire to be better. Unlike most other personality disorders, we are highly interested in learning about ourselves and understanding why we are the way we are. So even if we’re not invested in therapy from an emotional perspective, I think there’s often a psychological perspective that’s very appealing to us.

So the one thing that motivates me more than anything else in the world is this fact: If you force your body to physically do something over and over and over, it has no choice but to get better at it. It is guaranteed to feel more natural after some time. So the more I talk, the more I will eventually have things to say. The more I force myself to continue logging onto our sessions no matter how much I dread it, the more the avoidance decreases as it begins to feel more natural and normal. The more my body feels safe talking to her, the more it will feel safe talking to others. The content of the talking itself doesn’t even matter nearly as much as the fact that I’m talking.

And the best part is that I feel this carrying over to my life outside the sessions as well. As a schizoid, you are in dire need of having positive interactions with people. Right now you have no evidence to believe they could ever be rewarding. You NEED to give yourself the opportunities to rewire your brain. Every single time you share a positive moment with someone or smile or laugh, cling onto this moment and remember it. Tuck it into your arsenal and let it be the reason you interact with someone again next time.

I genuinely notice myself interacting with people the slightest bit more freely now. I went into a new plant shop a few weeks ago, and I noticed how I’ve never been to a plant shop where every single plant was so healthy and thriving. Instead of tucking this thought away to be buried and forgotten, I acknowledged it and let the man ringing my plants up know that everything there looked so healthy. He told me about where they came from, I asked if he was the owner, asked how long the store has been opened, etc etc. He was smiling and genuinely flattered, and I walked away from that conversation with the vital evidence that it was one worth having. I’ve had multiple other interactions since then. There was one night recently where I was having a horrible day, so depressed from the state of the world and the country, and drove myself to a dispensary because I needed a joint to numb myself before bed. But the cashier ringing me up happened to be one of the kindest woman that could’ve rung me up, and the more she engaged in casual conversation with me, the more I felt my body soften, and I got back into my car and sobbed at the kindness of the way she interacted with me and how badly I needed it. (I even told her how friendly she was before I left, and didn’t spend the rest of the night kicking myself for saying such a cringey weird thing to god forbid make someone feel good)

I hate cheesy therapy stuff, I’m not big into inner child stuff or parts stuff, I don’t like imagine putting my emotions on a train and watching them ride away… but I love the idea of progression and learning. I take piano lessons and feel the same way about my fingers - I look at them and cannot believe they are capable of doing something that felt so unnaturally painful just a few days before. It’s the most reassuring thing in the world to me; get through this discomfort enough times and it will eventually dissolve. Maybe not entirely, but enough to make it bearable. So this is the stance I take towards being a schizoid in therapy; I don’t think these traits will ever fully leave me, but I also know there’s no limit to how much they may disappear, so long as I keep acting against them.

(And important to mention, I know therapy is often inaccessible, unaffordable, not an option for whatever reason. So if you’re lucky enough to have the opportunity, please consider using it. If not, there is still nothing stopping you from practicing these things, even if it’s not in a one-on-one professional setting)

i’m downtown with my brother and mom and went to a tea place and and coffee place and everyone is communicating and chatting. and i just feel? nothing. just a little annoyed. why are you talking easily about anything? why do you want my true opinions about it? why are you having fun just interacting with each other? i wish i could be like them and enjoy this, actually give people attention to what they are saying, they don’t deserve my blank face and my obvious hatred of this. but there was a dog with huge ears which was awesome.

TLDR at the bottom this is a long read,

Note: this is written from my experiences, not saying we are all like this, just how these symptoms have affected me.

Background: I decided that I value the help I've gotten to not off myself conflicted with my desire to enter the void, by way of my morality being: "I'm responsible for giving back to a proper degree of what was given to me"; Therefore, I got my shit together enough to be accepted and participate in a program to certify as a peer support. Person-centered planning was one of the big topics and It was very insightful for me. I've experienced more harm than benefit from those placed in care of me, and the beneficial help I received was centered around affirming what very little Identity and desires I had, which typically kept me going just enough to not fully self-destruct.

1. The exercise was to first write your Hopes and Dreams, Likes and dislikes.

For me: The theme for basically all my hopes and dreams was to be the person I needed in my moments of need, and to achieve the highest degree of proficiency in that field. At some points it was to find someone similar to me in completeness, or someone who filled in all my missing gaps. At other points (my rock bottoms) it was to find someone who is broken all the way through so we could fix ourselves by fixing each other... The main thing being, I liked being happy, and observing other people's happiness. I disliked anyone who kept that from me or others; and the ways in which they would do so.

2. Secondly, we wrote our Strengths and Weaknesses...

For me: Strengths were:

Resilient [lots of trauma, im still standing],

Insightful [tons of introspection to verbalize all the ways to say what needs saying],

Empathetic [I've experienced a lot, I can understand a lot],

Mindful Language [I know what to say and how to say it for my intended purposes],

Loyal/Authentic [the people/things I truly pledge to, I never disavow, however I've only truly pledged to myself and only can to others when there is an overlap in values],

Critical [I can break down everything to lowest level, connect everything, and be objective pretty easily],

Creative [Intellectuallizing, observing, and attempting connection gave me alot of ideas for things... whether I try them or not is a different story],

Integral [there has always been a self-held belief for my actions],

Knowledgeable [all the things I did to keep myself going, gave me alot of niche knowledge not commonly held by people who maintain their sub-cultures/connections and rarely seek outside information].

Weaknesses:

Self-Criticism [high standards, and self awareness often ends up badly for myself],

Emotional Guard(ing) [when its hard to connect, or things are overwhelming and illogical, I am a void]

Over-commitment [I have so many skills, that when i get interested i distract from other skills and get spread thin]

Impatience for Inefficiency [slowness to adapt and resistance to change that would have led me to the void stirs something in me]

Real-time Vulnerability [if something threatens my sense of self-control, I'm entering the void]

Difficulty Accepting Help [if you help me, you may want something in return either now or in the future, its also an affront to my autonomy if it done wrong]

Improper Intellectualizing [I don't consider all the things, and accept some things as truth before considering the alternative, my baseline truth has been and is my current only truth: "people should do what makes them happy, and I should only match the negative energy given to me from a source. When I give it back to them, I should never exceed my output in relation to their input"]

Balancing Control [Self-control in relation to exhausting myself from rising above, and then taking any unresolved exhaustion out on the next person who connects with a metaphorical "low-blow": those unwarranted, untrue, negative, horribly constructed, and or unkind comment/criticism]

TLDR: Depersonalization, Dehumanization, and Dissociation from horrible experiences contributed to me being opposed to conformity and all that it entails. While also being: really resilient and insightful, but horribly self critical and impatient with people/systems who lack the awareness and introspection to be beneficial entities more than they can be hurtful entities.

From my limited time here, I felt like this is a pretty widely held thing in this sub. Just food for thought mostly, if ya want to, what do you think about possible strengths or weaknesses with the shit we got?

I do not have trauma to my knowledge but when things hit me wrong (and they often do) I’ll just.. go dormant, outwardly. Or try to. I can’t hyperventilate because my breathing gets hindered and I just sit in one exact position for sometimes hours, slightly twitching and only moving when I absolutely have to. Staring blankly at one spot. Being a person is what caused the problem, I’m sure not doing that again. Sometimes causes me to go nonverbal as well, and all of this applies even to whatever task I may have been doing or digital manifestations of myself. Freeze and loop. It is so deeply uncomfortable to do anything at that time I tend to continually expose myself to whatever caused it.

I also… seem to be in this state constantly in a small-scale way. I only feel safe to move and especially just in ways I enjoy where none can see me, in a completely dark room or in cloudy, rainy days when none is out. Otherwise I get stuck monitoring and that’s misery. I feel so out of it.

Does anyone else here experience this, and is it in the same way? Can it be quantified as catatonia or similar?

Next week on Friday I'll have my first ever job interview. I am (hopefully; need yet to pass 3 exams) going to finish my bachelor's in 1-2 months and am already looking for jobs and applying if something might fit me. But I am also anxious. I don't know how to behave. What to say and what not to say. And also... how do I sell myself and my strengths and my motivation such that the others are convinced when I am not that convinced myself? And how important is stuff like "being socially normal"? Should I hide that I am a loner and do have some difficulties with social stuff?

What are your experiences with applications and job interviews generally? Are there things that have or have not worked for you or that you think are important to consider or to do or not to do or...? I don't know what to ask for specifically so I'd really appreciate just general experiences and thoughts.

[For some context: I have applied for a job as a software tester so there is team work involved and it's not remote work. (it's hybrid; 2-3 days a week at home).]

I've been lurking here for a bit, resonating with many things, but also questioning if it’s really this or just my endless CPTSD-fawn response that makes me able to relate to everything and everyone. Because that’s what I do, I become my environment.

I don’t feel like I exist as a person in and of myself. Around others, I automatically mold into whatever the context requires, mirroring their expectations without even thinking about it. It’s like my presence is conditional, only real in relation to others. But when I’m alone? It’s not that I suddenly feel like myself, it’s more like I disappear entirely. I don’t even know if I’d call it loneliness, because that would require some core self to feel alone. It’s just nothing.

And yet, at the same time… I’ve been thinking about how the difference between depersonalization and enlightenment might just be a matter of trust. Resistance versus acceptance. If you fight the experience, it feels like an existential crisis. But if you lean into it, if you trust the dissolving, isn’t that just what monks and mystics have been chasing forever?

So I’m left wondering, who relates here? am I just seeing the world without the usual filters of a "self"?

Is this suffering, or is this freedom? Does anyone else here feel this paradox?

Curious to hear your thoughts.

Sudden fast heartbeat-especially in public places? A very uneasy feeling or sensation.

Usually disorders have a simple reason as to what causes them and are easier to understand. With schizoid and learning and reading so much on other people’s experience with it I truly can not understand because the reason people can have schizoid PD is from parents neglecting them, being instructive etc.

but I know a lot of people have actually experienced that in their childhood but aren’t schizoid. I myself have had an extremely neglectful family not just parents. I would say I have a lot of schizoid traits but I am still able to love, care a lot of the person I am in a relationship with or with certain friends I truly trust. I am genuinely able to care for others. I don’t hang around many people and don’t trust people easily but when I do I fully do.

In my experience I tell myself I wouldn’t ever neglect my partner or neglect my future children just because I’ve felt what that feels like and I wouldn’t want anyone else to feel that way. That’s my thought process.

Of course everyone thinks differently there’s no one way of thinking.

I’m still trying to understand what does it all come down to?

I’ve seen a lot of posts where people say they want to have relationships etc. but they can’t.

Where is the line between wanting and not being able to?

With other disorders they’re very visual and verbal. They’re so obviously there and with schizoid you wouldn’t even know someone has it unless you knew them a while and recognized certain behaviors etc.

At first I thought schizoid was just relationship related but now I’ve read so many of these posts on here and there’s so many other things I didn’t know.

A lot of people are saying they don’t have motivation for so many just regular tasks.

Where does that stem from?

Say how you are doing and what you are doing.

I’m not sure how to adequately explain this. I’ve just gone by “void” online for years now and none even thinks it’s weird, it’s just.. how I am. I don’t like having a face, so I’ll make various cryptid-like masks to cipher it if I can ever find enough drive to. I don’t feel normal around people, so I’ll dress like I came from some forbidden woods. There’s something nice about embracing the distortion and turning into some art form of fluid self. Often I’ll pick up entirely new personas out of the blue just to joke around with my few friends with. And then I keep it up for hours. For a long time I’d genuinely speak in code to people, various ones. Morse code, base64, even one made entirely between me and a friend jokingly. All with different meaning.

Like an art made of egodeath and alienation. Embodying the every-none in whatever way makes the most sense in the moment. The world isn’t made to allow this sort of abstraction, but I’m not a part of the world anyways. Everything is only tools in the end, even relationships, I’m just using them in a different way.

Still don’t know for what. But it’s fun at least. And then I crawl back into my tired little distance for a few months (which is why I’m here, jack nothing is interesting right now and I can enjoy interacting with people when it’s fleeting and asynchronous. I still get crazy uncomfortable when friendships start to form, which actually might be because something solid starts to form based on however the other person behaves against my will. Something is lost there.)

I feel particularly on the edge of something in my psyche breaking from reality tonight.

I have two general questions:

1. Has your diagnosis caused any issues in your life personally or professionally? Or has it just been a positive affirmation of what you already knew?

2. Were you diagnosed borderline? What was the reason? What do you think about it?

-This one is more personal; I was told they would score me as full Schizoid, but due to an intimate romantic partner I had, they said I was borderline. I found that silly to a degree. But, that led me to wondering about question 1, and any negative impacts from being diagnosed as full Schizoid vs borderline?

Before you jump on me, hear me out.

Both disorders share: a lack of sense of self, lack of adequate vocabulary for own emotions/mental states, and as a consequence, they both experience relationality as a fusion with the other, they are both too sensitive to others' moods, as well as having frequent depersonalization-derealization.

They both have this emotionally starved, sensitive, underdeveloped, or kind of primitive sense of self.

The difference lies in, schizoid fears engulfment more than loneliness. Borderline fears loneliness more than engulfment. Both are excluded from real relationality due to their lack of internal self.

Schizoid copes with their undefined self by preserving it in isolation. They do not believe that they can be understood.

Borderline copes with their undefined self by seeking reassurance that they exist. They have hope that they can be understood.

In the middle, you can have people who oscillate between avoidance/overwhelm and seeking reassurance (schizoid dilemma and quiet BPD). (Also, me. Hi)

It could be said that schizoid is a discouraged BPD, but that would be reductive, as it's also a matter of innate personality traits (social battery, impulsivity, autonomy, etc)

But the core is the same - essentially a toddler-like structure of the self.

Schizoid is more detached from their emotions, but if they connect to their core wound, that detachment turns into unbearable pain.

BPD is more in touch with that pain on a daily basis.

This explanation makes perfect sense to me, what do you all think?

I've been living a happy life as a recluse since last April. Before that, I was a part-time admin at a non-profit. I enjoyed the work I did and the pay was decent, as was the schedule.

But I hated the commute, walking amongst wet, nasty fall leaves, in the rain, in the freezing cold, in the snow (I don't have a car). I hated having to spend money on lunch and eat more than I normally would. I hated having to use the public bathroom and be around people's crumpled up tissues everyday, eww. I remember enjoying the job but looking back, all I can think about are the tissues and the bathroom.

But even more to the point of this subreddit, I hated the interaction and having to leave my solitude. I'm happy in solitude. I feel very uncomfortable interacting with people due to past trauma. My isolation is about peace of mind and control. i agree with Schopenhauer that it's impossible to be happy without a considerable amount of solitude.

I've been looking for remote work with help from a job coach, to no avail. I've applied to over 90 jobs. I keep getting rejected and have only had three or four interviews.

Apparently, competition for remote work is stiff because everyone wants to work remotely. On top of that, with this new administration, we're being encouraged to go into the office, even those in IT.

So I don't know if I should keep looking for remote work only or expand my search to onsite work.

Thoughts?

Hello. I think I’ve read somewhere, maybe a post on this sub, where it isn’t uncommon for schizoids to also be asexual. Do any of you relate to this / share this experience?

I’m so happy that I get to have the experience of being asexual and schizoid because not only does it mean I’ll die a virgin, I’ll also die alone! :)

Okay I’m kidding (kind of) but yeah, the combination is quite the doozy when it comes to finding / maintaining relationships. Maybe I just need a strictly online relationship with someone in a different time zone lol

What about you guys? Do you relate?

Anyone else here wonder why people are so easily manipulated by group acceptance? Other than making life easier in terms of financial or professional skill network I don’t see any other reason to care.

Motivation is hard for me. I’m sure that’s a common thing for many not just people with Schizoid traits. What drives people to desire expensive cars or jewelry? To me all of that stuff does nothing but force you to work more hours to obtain and maintain. Now I have wants but let me explain…

I run a mowing business…I do desire nice equipment…not for show off purposes but to do a decent job in the quickest possible time. Been shifting towards commercial from Residential mostly because constant socializing is draining. So my only motivation is to make money to have for having shelter, reliable vehicle for transport, food. The hardest part for me is forcing myself to reconnect and redo contracts every year.

I was laid off last november and decided to start applying for a job earlier this month

The manager that was interviewing me asked "Why we should not hire you?" and instead of answering with the typical responses like "I sometime focus to much on something and that can make me slow" or something like that I answered the question with "I'm not a social person, I prefer to keep my personal and professional lives completely separated and I will not attend any outings or things like that unless is mandatory, if that is a deal breaker for you then I think I'm not the person you are looking for"

I obviously specified that I don't mind working on teams and that I'm not antisocial, just asocial.

The position is 100% remote and the interview was via zoom so I'm not sure how much that answer will affect my chances of getting the position but at my age (28 y.o.) I'm just too tired of being covert so if they are looking for new friends instead of new employees then I wouldn't accept the position anyway.

We all are already pretty isolated bu a societal standard but I mean be able to reach of a point where you barely have to see another human beings face ever. That’s kind of my goal is to gather as much money and investments that I so I can get a home in the middle of nowhere and just chill out till my death.

I despise everything about human beings and the world in general I’m not built for suicide so this my only alternative .

So I saw a psychiatrist and she told me they can't diagnose both schizophrenia and szpd. Indeed, she told symptoms of szpd were mild symptoms of schizophrenia. What do you think about that? I saw a video of Tracey Marks where she says szpd can co occur with schizophrenia thats why I am mixed

This has been a growing frustration within me while reading different things and listening to others - the fact that everyone has to fit into some arbitrary norms or they are "broken" and need to be fixed. I would argue that the main source of unhappiness in schizoid people and other neurodivergents isn't the disorder itself but how it is perceived by others and society and as whole. I do not enjoy the same things as others, I don't get satisfaction from casual hanging out, I like to isolate a lot but it's not those things themselves that make me frustrated - it's everybody's insistence that it is wrong and needs to be changed. It seems to me like the default response these days is "have you seen a mental health professional" which is annoying me quite a bit - why is it so hard to just let people be? I think it would go a long ways if people could go outside and behave how they really feel inside without being showered with fake "heartful concern".

People seem to be so proud because there is much more discussion about mental health and people are more open about it than in the past but I don't think anything has meaningfully changed - imagine that you are talking with somebody and say that you aren't really interested in what are they saying right now or their jokes don't really make you laugh - you think the response would be "well that's ok"? No shot. But you can be guaranteed that if they don't get offended they will for sure recommend you a wonderful therapist that can help solve your "problems". Why do they have to be perceived as problems, why isn't there more acceptance for being different?

I think we all agree in most cases, us Schizoids would be terrible servants or slaves. Our lack of motivation, disdain of emotional engagement and disinterest towards social status would be a pain in the ass for a conventional tyrant to deal with.

Now, let's assume a tyrant or ruler has the magical means (enchantment , physical transformations, etc) to impose a role on an SzPD and guarantee their obedience and allegiance, and even their behavior, but without changing their inner personality...

I want your opinion:

1. What would be the best/optimal role (and/or) transformation to inflict on an SzPD to make the most out of their natural competences?

2. What would the worst possible role (and/or) transformation an SzPD could endure in such fantasy scenario? What would cause you the most distress without being obvious torture?

… or is it just and only related to depressions or other mental health issues?

^(Am asking for an … err, "friend" of course.)

I figured that this particular subject might be an area that schizoids will break with everyone else on.

Let's say you went to the dentist (even if you usually don't), and the guy says that a front tooth requires a crown. The dentist offers to place a zirconium crown or a gold crown. Let's also say that, for whatever reason, the crown is on the house - you don't have to pay for it.

The zirconium crown looks like a natural tooth, but your dentist claims that it will likely last 10 years. However, the gold crown has a clear yellow shine, but your dentist claims that it will likely last 30 years. And since this crown will be placed on a front tooth, eagle-eyed people will likely see it if you smile.

Which would you choose?

It is said that many neurotypicals would choose the zirconium crown without hesitation - they would not be able to stand anything that doesn't look like a natural tooth. But I suspect that schizoids may feel differently; the option to avoid any further work on that tooth for a much longer period of time may be seen as worth it.

I have little attachment to my country and have a hard time feeling proud of my people whether it's athletic champions, musicians, writers, etc. I feel that that's their accomplishment not mine. I don't understand why people feel proud of them. I think this may be because I don't feel represented/relate to them.

One of the biggest hydrances of this PD is that I never experienced falling in love with someone.

As many of you, I also have a rich inner world. I did felt something similar (I guess?) for my characters, some habitants of my inner world but that's it.

I do feel salty about this. I wish I had feeling these feelings when I was younger or even now. The very few times I was with someone it was purely for masking purposes (attempts to fit in). I DID try to be a good companion and I did try do fall in love with them, I tried my best. It all ended the same: I couldn't stomach. Even hearing their voice made me feel bad, sometimes I ended up nurturing a disgust of them, and eventually left.

Despite everything, I really wanted to experience this at least ONCE in my life, man. How do you guys deal with it?

note: im in discovery on this diagnosis with my providers

For me depression is weird because im depressed about my fantasies being unachievable and my anxiety is having people engage with me negatively. Beyond that its just a whole lot of nothingness. Fleeting low intensity emotions, day dreams, and dissociation. Like I’m not seeking companionship, and then when I do I’m engaging with people in such a limited way…

Anybody have something anecdotal to this?

I don't know if this is too 'heavy' for the sub so the moderators can delete it if it's inappropriate.

I am by no means 'advocating' for suicide, just that this 'community' is where people are able to discuss it without the typical 'panicked' reaction everywhere else that comes off as insensitive and shallow to me instead of legitimately sympathetic. It's nice to be able to talk about the desire to die without having to wade through a billion 'think of the people who love you's'.

Anyway, I have attempted suicide multiple times in the past, and after my last one in 2023 I decided I wanted to finish a story I was writing, and to end it right there. The story's really long and is feasibly going to take several years to finish so if I 'change my mind' in the time since it's whatever, but considering my personal history it's not off the books. The story is by no means 'great' but it's associated with the few things that have 'meaning' in my life so the idea of finishing it before I die gives me some sense of closure, I suppose.

I've never had the ability/luck/whatever to get certain things I want, and also have fucked up enough to lose the things I had. I feel like I staked so much of the 'purpose' (?) of living on being intelligent and eloquent (for personal history reasons) that being unable to 'have' that makes me feel like there's not much of a purpose in staying alive other than to settle the one project I 'care' about.

I find a lot of schizoids are 'passively suicidal' but don't go through with it for a reason as 'simple' (for lack of a better word) as 'I can't be assed.' Most other suicidal people stay alive for the sake of the ones who love them, which isn't particularly relatable to me, and I feel like other schizoids are the most likely people who can understand what it is like to have nobody you want to live for.

I am curious to hear about the experiences of people who are also staying alive for the sake of finishing a particular goal/etc. and not just the vague sense of inertia. More loosely, I wonder what sort of things are 'valuable' enough to be equitable to one's own life.

Sorry if this sounds like a rant, but I’m at a point where building relationships would really help my career, and I hate how it makes me feel.

It seems like a big part of this is forming friendships first, then maybe one day those connections become useful. But that feels fake to me—like I’m pretending to care just because there might be a future benefit.

Some people seem to genuinely enjoy the process, but I struggle because I only see the transactional side, and it makes me feel manipulative. Even if what I’m asking benefits both sides, I still feel pressured to play along with this social norm of acting interested in people.

I wish we could just be upfront about it. No one expects a cashier to build a connection before you buy something, so why is this any different?

Does anyone else feel this way, or have any advice?

How do you that what you have is apps and not just crippling depression? Don’t the symptoms sound awfully similar? Isolation, lack of interest, not enjoying any activity, low libido, and all of that - all of this could be chalked up to crippling depression as well?

I guess spd would present itself as more ‘severe’ of a condition, but letting depression go untreated for years can also lead to the similar result?

Also I guess depression may get more severe over the years if not treated, but so can spd because many people say how their symptoms have gotten worse as they aged (or vice versa- for both spd and depression). So there is no real evidence that regression or lack thereof of the symptoms is depression or anything of that sort?

I have been managing depression and anxiety for some time, and it was only a few years ago that what has probably been lifelong ADHD (Combined type) was finally fucking diagnosed. It explained a lot.

I eventually wandered into the r/SchizoidAdjacent sub, and found that I can relate to many of the memes there. I know it's hardly all-encompassing, but some examples include often feeling indifferent to external social interaction, articulate thoughts getting lost in translation on the way to my mouth, and finding questions such as 'where do you see yourself in 5 years' awkward because the brutally honest answer would be "I don't fucking know."

Far be it from me to self-diagnose, but between my ADHD going undiagnosed for so long and my feelings about those 'lost' years of my pre-diagnosis life, I can't help but wonder what else went undetected. If anything.

(While we're on it, flying under the radar in life overall is very much a double-edged sword.)

I know that suspicion doesn't equal diagnosis (I've suspected myself of having some covert narcissism, too), and certainly there must be a lot of overlap across conditions, but I couldn't help but notice.

Sorry if that was long-winded; TBH, I don't know that I really have a point here.

Anyway, thanks for listening.