And no, i don't meant someone who's just simply weird, i mean people who are like OMG IM SO RANDOM! all the time i just find them so exausting. I know someone like this and i hate her so much, she also has a super weird fashion sense that screams HEY LOOK AT ME IM SO DIFERENT.
People keep saying they're just "begin themselves", so i just tell them i liked their "fake" self better, i don't understand why people wants this future full of annoying "quirky" people, i think i just dont get humans.

i'm trying to find work that works for me right now. i failed the last jobs i had because the interpersonal settings were too much.. so i'm trying now to go through a specialized employment agency- maybe they can find me accomodating employers- but they just assume bullshit. no, i'm not uncomfortable to go over my strengths and weaknesses because i'm embarassed; i just don't like talking about myself. i want it to be as impersonal as possible. i don't care for the praise of my so-called "skills." i can do any work that i do alone without people trying to get to know me. obviously, work from home is ideal, but i have no motivation and don't know where to start. i don't have education for special real skills.

they assume i'm autistic. asking me about sensory issues (i don't have any). i'm not going to get overwhelmed by going fast. i need it to be as fast as possible so i don't have to share so much about myself every time for so long. i also don't need prep. don't commend me for being flexible as if it's difficult. i'm not working; my schedules are free. i don't care how it happens as long as we only go over the necessary steps. the unknown doesn't scare me.

also, i really hated this, but they suggested me having someone else come to the meetings with me multiple times. someone "within my support network".. obviously, i have nobody. nor would i want anybody to come in with me. that would be even more personal and make me want to die even more.

they would be kind for anybody else but this extra stuff is an eh. i mean, they were truly nice but it's a bit annoying for a schizoid (i assume most if not all would feel the same). i'll be more clear when i meet with them. it was my first meeting with them over call and i was very restrictive because i had family present in the house. i cannot express myself clearly if there's possibility i will be perceived, so in person also won't be great but at least i can say more.

kind of crazy.. but.. i don't want my name known at work. if i could ask i'd ask to be called a random different name everyday ONLY IF i must be addressed by a name. i don't want anything that'll stick to me that can be identifying. if i can ever be free from this house, i'll leave and change my name.

i wish there was more i could do to be erased. i hate that i truly exist to others. i don't want to be real to anybody. i don't want to be seen, heard, "known." what they think they know isn't true anyway. i just want to be a ghost. ugh this was so long

I have always felt misunderstood and as if I don't belong anywhere. My grandma always asked why I never visited her by myself just only when my parents dragged me there. But to be honest I feel uncomfortable around her. I don't really have anything to talk about with her and I feel like she only asks about things because it's appropriate, not because she genuinely cares. She asks only superficial questions such as "How is school" and that is basically it. I have felt like this about every relationship in my extended family, everyone has their own life and I have never felt as if anyone was interested in me personally so I just withdrew at some point and feel indiferrent to basically everyone with the exception of my parents. Is that normal? When I was a kid I dreaded going to family gatherings and I felt physical sensations like stomach pain often, because I felt so uncomfortable from just sitting there for hours never being asked anything of substance. I felt so alone and left out. There were times when they just asked me things like "Why are you sad" or "Why are you not smiling?" and I had no idea what to say. It made me feel as if I'm making everyone uncomfortable by just being there. I feel guilty for not caring about them but it's stronger than me. I don't have a diagnosis but I think you will understand me.

22M, never had a girlfriend or a romantic interest towards any girl. I'm quite good-looking, so much so that I some girls show interest in wanting to hang out with me and give me their number without asking for it. Only went out on a date twice, and it was purely to satisfy my curiosity. I thought more in the way "What made you (her) want to know me better?", kind of like a way to understand myself better and how others view me. There isn't really a strong emotion towards romance or love. When I think about it, by seeing others couples and imagining myself do the same with somebody else, it feels weird. Maybe it is due to the intimacy, both emotional and physical, that freaks me out. This intimacy theoretically feels like a line that, when crossed, makes you uncomfortable as your privacy isn't being respected. It feels odd, weird, cringe, that's the best way to describe it.

What's your romantic life like? How do schizoids view romance?

I felt ‘stuff’ as a kid that I no longer feel anymore and I can express this as a truth because I used to shamelessly represent my excitement about a particular situation in front of anyone. I used to ‘love’ my parents, enjoy being around ‘friends’ and remember being the type of person I barely respect today. I used to be patriotic about this country. I wanted to be married with children. I wanted to be a normal person who would naively and opportunistically move to New York City or LA in their 20s because that’s what mainstream culture used as an element to perpetuate the idea of what it means to be alive.

I’ve always known I was different. I knew when I stole $5 dollars from my grandmother and said nothing while my family was looking for it. I knew when I was sexually attracted to my cousin (we made out) as a kid. I knew when I was molested by my step siblings as a kid, but liked it. I knew when my classmates would genuinely allude to me as being lame, awkward, or annoying because I could not socially tolerate instances of microcosmic manipulation framed as healthy interaction. In all of these situations, I felt nothing. I want to say the sentiment of feeling nothing comes from a dark place, but I would describe it as a neutral place. It would be an enclave of grey represented by the inevitable.

I’m 25 now and after a long 10 years of random experiences that I have had out of the need to conform, do the right thing or pursue glory, I am tired. I feel like an old man that has died before. A lot of people here struggle to keep jobs, interact, and find love. I can see why. If I didn’t fake my humanity up to this point in my life, I would probably be in the same boat. I make great money for my age, but what is ‘great’ money? I dread Friday afternoons, before logging out, because I know that I have nothing to come back to in the next room. I have no intentions to marry my girlfriend, but I will because that is what she wants after a few more years.

I will buy house because society tells me I have to buy this overpriced box to sleep, have sex, and raise a family in. I will reject the notion of autonomy over my own thoughts on the expectation, because I am a coward. The fear comes from knowing that solitude does not allude the poor in situations of despair. Courtesy is shit circumstances, but nobody cares to admit that to themselves because nobody actually believes they are an animal in this world. When I see a smiling couple at an event standing awkwardly while taking a picture, I see two scared children pretending like they are not just beneficially relating to one another. This relation shows itself through ‘love’, materialism shared by the couple or a displayed sense of solidity. One that almost makes it seem like they are a corporation pretending to be best friends.

When I look at acquaintances, friends (that will one day be gone because nothing last forever), and relatives accomplishing things in life, I do not feel happy for them. I don’t look at life as some type of game where there is nothing to do, but acquire or accomplish more. I think we made it up. The concept of a ‘man’ and abstract property we have tried to objectify is made up. There is nothing to do, so why can’t they just stop? Why do people keep trying to make whatever we are living in work? It’s obviously not working and I know it will never end. It has to keep going. That’s the worst part about it all.

I will be born. You will tell me to go to school. Now I have learned what there is to be learned even in a system asserting obvious signs of decay. Bureaucratic controls will ensure that I am on the right trajectory through the use of realistic models of interaction I am forced to be apart of with other people that are associated with the system. I will subconsciously cry for help against this structure as I attempt subjugate to others to the same myopic effect it has on me. This will be expressed as rebellion, deviousness, violence, social disruption, or criminal activity. You will punish me for this using another structure of control that I have no control to change or I will succumb to my own obligation of primal comfort through the use of self-alienation. Even in the event of the effort to save myself, I will be subjugated to societal judgement.

If I am accepting of this system’s model of interaction, I will go on to make friends, pretend to be raised by my biological family who is also pretending to have a say in a future that was already outlined by the system based on external conditions they have no control to change. My mentors will call this fate. I do well, but the cost is being inserted into a market of other complex systems in which I will choose to align with for the rest of my life or succumb to the implications expressed in the previous point. My colleagues will know this sentiment as “doing what you have to do” or choice. Was there ever a choice though? Maybe, but what does that even mean? I feel like I lost my mind at some point in life, and I don’t even want it back. It probably wasn’t mine.

Hello, I had the idea of drawing images of lesser known personality disorders. I feel like there is so little light on them. Mostly cluster A and C. So I wanted to draw art depicting it. And wanted to ask you guys for a better representation. I hope this makes sense!! I'm schizotypal and hate how little people understand us, lesser known pds haha. If you don't think this is a great idea, I'll just stick to my own diagnosis haha!!

Did it appear all of a sudden or gradually? What were your first symptoms? How long did it take to reach the full form of the disorder?

Some time ago few people who are so called close to me started imitate the way I speak, and the words I say such as, because, no, and get yourself together (it sounds different in my native language). I say them quite often when we talk and I get that why it might be funny to them but ffs they know me 5 to 6 years and they started doing this recently. When they do that, inside I want to rip them to pieces. What do I do, I can’t tell them, they won’t get that. I guess that I have to listen to this mocking untill I get used to it and it won’t bother me anymore, anyone can relate?

Hello everyone. Awhile back, I decided I wanted to be tested for autism and OCD, and today I got those results back.

I have OCD, that much I figured. But I wasn't diagnosed with autism. Instead, I have a "schizoid personality". They made the important distinction that it wasn't enough to qualify for the disorder. But I did meet 2 of the 4 required criteria out of 6.

I just, don't really know how to feel about all this? I never even heard of this until today. I knew autism was kind of a long shot, but it still felt like a "good answer" in a sense. I don't know about this.

I just don't know how to process this. I mean, I literally asked for this, yet I just feel a huge pit in my stomach.

My desire for a romantic relationship is inconsistent. However - I sometimes find myself considering life with a (hypothetical) partner and I occasionally crave physical intimacy.

Can anyone else relate?

I rarely leave my apartment and have a largely anonymous presence online - so I'm unsure of how I would even find someone.

This might be a stupid question, but I need to face the shame of limited knowledge to acquire more.

It is commonly stated that humans are social creatures and they need to socialize. It's also stated that there are numerous negative side effects to loneliness and lack of socializing. Everyone is different with socializing. But I wonder for those who relate to my blob of text below. Do we require less socializing? Are we like the plants that need less water than others in order to grow? If you over water those kinds of plants, they wilt away. Whereas some plants need an abundant amount of water to grow. If you underwater them, they wilt away as well.

In everyday life, I see people interacting with one another every day. They interact with the same people and they're always together for something. I've participated in such interactions the first few days of college, moments as little as walking to class together, going to breakfast, or going off campus.

However in my case, this act slowly slipped away. I don't contact people to do things with them, I go to classes alone, I do things alone, I eat alone, etc. I don't feel lonely at all, I don't feel deprived of anything, I don't feel like I'm going insane. I've dealt with this for many years and I never faced any of the "negative side effects" they claim you get from loneliness. And you know what? I'm able to socialize with people just fine. Only when I want to though, which is the "problem." I hardly want to socialize with people. It used to be to avoid disappointment, but I've gotten used to that feeling. I take everything as it come even if I must undergo disappointment. I just lost the energy and will to talk to people. Nobody is that interesting enough to keep the appeal of socializing with them. I hardly remember anything about them, and I don't talk about them as enthusiastically as others do. When I have something in common with them, I don't care to befriend them. If I happen to like them more than I like others, I can befriend them, but I don't maintain the connection for long. Eventually I get bored and go back to socializing with myself.

Sometimes I get that need to socialize, which is when I turn to online friends, or I go out and talk to people randomly for no reason. I like to make them laugh or smile. It's a rare need however. It's a moment where I finally feel hungry. I satiate this hunger, then go back to my own life until I feel that hunger again. I can only eat so much before I get full and not feel hungry until like... three weeks later. My social stomach is in it's original size, which I think is like the size of a fist. Another thing is the societal pressure to talk to people. It reminds me of the time my grandmother would force me to finish the food on my plate before leaving the dinner table, but I couldn't because I was already full.

Idk, this is just a random thought. What do you think?

I'm bad. I buy a daily planner, and then never use it. I always buy them, thinking I will do better this time, but it never pans out. It's weird because I know people that are married to their daily planners and always consulting them. I guess nowadays people use a smart phone version but still.

It's always been a "problem" in my mind that I'm unable to create art.

For instance, I love escapism. Anything from videogames, music, books, movies, series, animes, anything really. I even spend most of my time in "make believe" worlds I've always had in my mind. These worlds are "rich" and "vivid", but not completely original.

The thing is: I can't create art. I can't write poems, because they all "feel" wrong. I don't "feel" anything, and therefore I don't have anything to write about. If I do write one, it feels forced and almost eerie.
I can't draw, but besides the technical aspect, I have _nothing_ to draw about. I don't feel any affinity towards anything. My mind is "blank" (more on this later on).

I found this comment, while browsing the sub, that really seems to describe my experience:

"I hate creativity because it feels unfair to me, creativity in the real world relies on a person's interpretation of the world, im unable to interpret the world like a normal person because i dont feel much about anything in the world, without feelings there is nothing really to express, i cant do art, i cant write, i cant do any of the creative things, being creative means to ctrl+c ctrl+v from other creative humans, i dont know how to make things myself, even as a kid i never knew what to drew, i needed someone to tell me 'this is what you need to draw' because when you dont feel anything about a kid or a plane you dont feel like its 'cooler' to draw a plane than a kid, or the other way around, they are both boring in the same way."

There are some aspects I don't relate to with 100%, but the general idea is there.

The same profile also made this comment:

"I live in my head, i dont live in the world of objects, my expiriences have no form, i just feel them and thats it, i cant express it on a paper because the paper is outside of my head and i'm not present there"

This, I feel, completely translates my experience.

Returning to my "blank mind" and this comment. I don't "think" or "feel" how a normal person does. I don't have aphantasia, but I never "imagine" anything in my mind while thinking. It's almost like my thoughts and feelings are so abstract I can't even translate them to the physical plane, only get them as they come to me.
For instance, I will be stuck on a certain problem, and seemingly out of nowhere, the answer just... "appears" in my mind. I can't write poems, for example, because I can't think about the words or any topic in particular.

This feels unfair, because I would love to be able to write poems or to express myself through painting. I'm not that bad (even if I'm very selective with what I take a picture of) at photography, because I just "feel" like a certain angle or particular thing I'm seeing will look good as a photograph. It's hard to explain.

In conclusion, my mind seems like an alien lifeform cohabiting my body with "me" (whatever that "me" is). We don't really fully understand each other, but my mind communicates to "me" and I just listen.

Hi fellow schizoids, I have tried numerous antidepressants from escitalopram (SSRI), venlafaxine(SNRI), vortioxetine(SSRI) and other SSRIs. I am a sort of pharmacy degustator. And none ever worked, just made me numb. But then i found bupropion, it is DNRI which means it inhibites reuptake of dopamine and noradrenaline. And this seems to work ! And then it made me think about if we as schizoids are low on dopamine ? Because for me the worst symptome is not feeling plesure from activities, which makes me depressed. So, maybe try bupropion if you are struggling like me ! :)

college is so exhausting in my opinion as a schizoid, especially living on campus. i’m a current junior and was prompted to enroll in an in-person college as a means to overcome social anxiety by my former therapist who (mis)diagnosed me w social anxiety.

in freshman year i saw everything as a challenge to overcome my SA, but of course now i realize why it never really helped. luckily i haven’t had a roommate since freshman year so at least i have my own room, but still its so draining to be around others literally 24/7.

recently my 2 long term friends started introducing me to their other friends and i just have to pretend that i like them tbh. nothing wrong w the ppl, but when i find my group i don’t feel the need to expand at all. but now whenever i want to hang out w my 2 friends they bring their other friends too 🥲. and everyone just wants to hang out all the time which is flattering on one hand, but very annoying on the other.

anyways, this is my last sem at my current school before i stay back home and do online college and (hopefully) get a job. i’m glad my parents supported my decision and i can’t wait to do online school and be free from this :)

Hello, here's the obligatory "finding this sub blew my mind, i thought it was just a combo of autism & toxic masculinity but this fits better" etc etc

My question is, do you feel the desire to change at all? In my experience, I always sort of craved being close to someone "in theory", but always just felt really averse to it when thinking about it in person. I used to think I just needed to find people that I clicked with and then I'd feel ready to become close, but I've spontaneously lost all interest in enough friendships by now that I don't think that's the case anymore.

I hate the idea that I'll just be this isolated for the rest of my life, even though right now I'm much more comfortable like that.

I just feel "incomplete". But shouldn't schizoids feel comfortable or at least indifferent to an isolated future?

I'm undiagnosed, so who knows if I actually am schizoid. I'm just wondering what other people who have more experience with this is.

If I can go on a rather unrelated rant, I don't understand what I'd gain from an szpd diagnosis (besides clout on this sub). It's not like there's a drug that I could get prescribed from it. If anything I'd worry about myself internalizing it as an inherent part of me and it preventing myself from changing. It seems much more useful just to identify my symptoms individually (lack of social motivation, difficulty getting close to people, emotional blunting) than to lump them all together.

Title.

Ik borderline and antisocial personnlaity disorder mild when ahing so I was wondering if it is the same for SzPD

I don't understand how people can care.

Intellectually, I can grasp the concept, such as a mother caring for her child. However, what I cannot comprehend is how individuals can instinctively and intuitively care for others. I have only ever cared for someone because it was expected of me, due to the situation or the nature of the relationship I hold with that person. But my care is only limited to what I believe is appropriate for my role, which honestly should be called acting at this point.

What’s even more worse is when this caring extends to me.
I recognise their intentions and that they act out of my best interest, yet I feel annoyed and insulted. It even just feels like an invasion of privacy when they're simply asking if I've eaten yet, or if I will go to sleep soon.

I’m curious—Are you able to truely care for someone else? Or, at the very least, can feel that innate of desire to care?

First I wanna say that this post will be long. I've always known that I was different from others since I was a kid. When other kids my age were playing enthusiastically and doing what every kids do, I was almost always alone sitting and thinking hard. I sometimes went out to play with them but I couldn't stand them fighting over unimportant things and grew tired mentally and physically in the end, and left. Some people say I was matured for my age and I'd like to think that way but even after I've grown up and became an adult, I've realized that I kind of never fit into any group—or most group—of people. I don't like listening to people ranting over their relationships, falling in and out of love, their success or failure or whatever. I always felt like something's wrong with me and like I'm not a human. Everyone wants to be something and I don't want to be a thing. I'm fine being me except that sometimes I become depressed.

There were two short while I was in relationships: one time with a guy and another time with a girl. Being with opposite sex didn't feel right, so I tried to give it a chance with same sex and turned out I'm just not into people in general for long run. Being virgin for many years that I concluded myself as an asexual. It isn't like I don't have sexual desires, I just don't want to practice with people. The thought of being in a relationship also bore the hell outta me. I understand why other people do it but it's hard for me to even meet up people. And I can't with the constant needs. I always have troubles keeping up with everything but these days it has worsen because I lost two important persons, my mom and my grandma, in consecutive years. Although I look indifferent, it does affect me inside I guess. I lost patience in anything easier than before. I'm not even sure whether I'm sad or disappointed. I also don't care or feel like the need to explain why I keep distancing from people.

Most people my age in my country are married, has jobs or kids and here I am, having none of the things mentioned. It's not like I don't make earnings but I don't have a proper job but I don't like explaining people. I mean, do I need to! I had this one friend who has a stable job and all. She was a close friend of mine and a few months ago, I had learned that she was always looking down to me. It's true that her social status is definitely on higher level than me (not that I care) but I don't think she's in the position to condescend people, at least not to me and not for the reason I don't have to suck up to people from higher levels. I ghosted her completely. Cutting people off my life has never been hard for me; all my relatives are cut off from my life after all. The only ones I feel guilty over are my best friend despite the differences and that I don't think she understands me all the time. But she live on the other side of the world, so I can't help but keep disappearing on her too.

I always wanted to figure out what's going on with me. I wonder if it's just personality thing, sexual preference or I'm just a selfish person who doesn't care about other people or their feelings. I thought about seeing a professional but being someone who doesn't even like to see a dentist once a year and think of it something like a commitment, I choose not to. I'd rather talk to random people I come across, ones who don't really want to know about me. A few months ago, after long years of self research, I found out about Schizoid and maybe because of human nature, I somehow felt a bit happy and relieved that indeed there are others like me although I can't be 100 percent sure with my unprofessional self-diagnosis.

Ive realized that my attraction towards jobs that require uniforms to be worn is likely based from this condition. It satisfies my desire to contribute and be a part of something bigger than myself/group/team along with my need to disconnect and return to the peace and tranquility of solitude at the end of the day. The uniform also allows me to put on a social mask without the feeling of faking or being an imposter which has at times been source of stress for me. In the past there have been a few times where I’ve been accused of doing so and would react with an explosion of anger due to the implication of malevolence in my motive which was not my intention. These days I don’t put nearly as much weight into what others believe. I suppose it’s because it truly doesn’t make any difference, people will believe only exactly what they want and it just isn’t possible to know the intentions of another.

The most insignificant things irritate me: that I have to get up in the morning, that I have to work and pay bills, that I have to feed my cat, that it's snowing outside, that I have to talk to people...

My brain is going crazy. I'm 27 years old and it's getting worse every year.

I would have left this world long ago, but I'm afraid of becoming disabled if something goes wrong.

I just need to talk it out. Sorry for my English.

I have NEVER seen so many people with identical relatable traits to my own.

Since being ask to leave my family’s property (certainly justified and reasonable on their part)I have been living in a motel for the last week or so. Soon to be homeless, or maybe I’ll just consider it “car camping..” with no money left, just waiting for the next terrible thing to happen or a painless death preferably. All of my problems and the consequences I’m experiencing are obviously because of my choices. I don’t sleep often, sometimes not at all. My choice to keep feeding my raging addiction is the obvious cause. Substance abuse has been a lifelong issue for me. Im quite certain people are and have been following/harassing me. I don’t really care to do anything about it, nor could I do anything I imagine.

Anyway, hearing what I’m going/putting myself through might make some of you feel a little bit of relief or gratitude for your current situation.

I’m interested in seeing what my brain will do with this newly found information on Schizoid.

Title is funny, but it’s true. If I lose at something, or someone insults me or jabs at me etc, most of the time I don’t care and it doesn’t bother me. But what does get under my skin is when that person won’t allow me to be unbothered. They’ll continue to taunt and proclaim I’m secretly seething just without expressing it.

Can you develop schizoid personality disorder from bad experiences with socializing? As a kid I was naturally extroverted and enjoyed social interactions, but all the bullying/ostracizing through the years has made me very jaded, antisocial, and pretty much a misanthrope.

Does this sound like I'm schizoid? Or am I just bitter from horrible social experiences?

I'm a college student, a little over halfway through my degree, and in typical schizoid fashion, I have no close friends and hardly any acquaintances. This is in spite of having gone through two years of heavy involvement in clubs, sports, internships, and even ridiculously social stuff like student government.

It's known to us all that having few contacts is a bit of a disadvantage in the career world, and so I've taken it upon myself to set goals for social interaction. I'm not particularly anxious in social settings and can put aside my reluctance for conversation pretty easily, yet for some reason, in my day-to-day, unless a situation calls for interaction (partnered work, group projects, club activities, etc.) people tend to handle me with a 10-foot pole.

In these forced scenarios, people are pretty open to me. My jokes land, my opinions are acknowledged, etc. I understand timing, distance, body language, and most any other aspect of my presentation. I was raised to take pride in my appearance, I'm consistent with hygiene, I'm never late to plans, I listen actively in conversations, think before I speak, and refuse to talk behind others' backs as a rule. I'm respectful of other people's sensitivities, and I'm comfortable being myself, and I'd even venture to say I've got an attention-grabbing face people have little difficulty remembering, but outside of being forced to talk to me, you'd think I've got a big ol' "QUARANTINE" sign on my back. People rarely respond to my texts and only ever message me when they need something. It's very clear that it's a shock to others if I enter a room, and I'm almost never welcomed. It's as if every interaction requires me to make space for myself and it never gets easier no matter how much I put myself out there.

I'll say that earlier in my time in university, I often skipped lectures to conduct research and thus didn't really make any friends in my classes early on, but even now when I interact with some people for the first time, it feels like they're keeping a certain distance. I'm caught halfway between being totally fine with not having to entertain people who clearly want nothing to do with me and feeling like I'm somehow defective for not managing to foster any worthwhile relationships. As the saying goes, if everywhere you go smells like shit, you should probably check your shoes.

Interestingly, professors/mentors/teachers/older adults in general seem to like me a lot, and kids trust me more than I think they should. I'm only treated like this by people my age, and it's the damnedest thing.

Whenever I express a question, concern, or make a simple statement, it’s as if people read far more into my intentions than I am actually presenting. They’ll look at me with either suspicion or become defensive as if I am interrogating or criticizing them. I don’t know why this is— it’s even when I speak in a pleasant or neutral tone and oftentimes I’ll even politely smile to them as I’m saying it. I genuinely don’t understand why I am getting reactions like this, it really annoys me.

Anyone else get this kind of response from people? Why do you think they react to you like this?

I was diagnosed as bipolar type II with Schizoid tendencies twelve years ago and finally understand what it is. When the psychiatrist told me I didn't bother asking more and she didn't explain it, so I wrote it off as calling me schizophrenic. Turns out I just didn't care to learn more and today, randomly, I stumbled upon an article explaining what it was and it just amazed me. Like an 'oh' moment. It doesn't change anything, but explains a hell of a lot about my life and how I view things and other people and myself and why I am how I am.