Basically as the title says, I've been going to therapy for a long while now. They've diagnosed me with BP/BPD/ASPD now they're thinking its schizoid. He claims both of those can co-exist since im showing signs of pretty much every. This whole ordeal of what is wrong with me feels so exhausting. I'm medicated yet other symptoms keep popping up.. Why does the human psyche have to be so damn confusing? Im exhausted of everything and I'm so lifeless even in now critical situations where i need money i simply don't look for a job because i dont know. I simply don't know anymore.

Say how you are doing and what you are doing.

Almost everyone around me has ambitions, dreams and plans, but I have none of them. I think I've been in this mood (szpd) for about 3 years and I feel like I'm losing my cognitive functions as time goes by. I refuse any therapy because the conditions for therapy are not that good in the country I live in (it is a fact that even in better countries, therapy often does not work). I will graduate from high school in 1 month, and in the country I live in, you have to take a central exam that includes all courses to enter the university. There are like 40 days until the exam and I haven't even studied at all. Even though I have the right to take the exam forever, my family's expectations remain an pressure and stress factor on me. I don't think I have the strength to struggle with anything. I have trouble with living. If I don't feel anything, If I can't connect to anything and If I have no religion why I live? I think my life is just a waste of time and I don't want to waste time anymore.

For context I was diagnosed with the inattentive type of ADHD, and I’m about 99.9% sure I have SzPD but haven’t discussed these symptoms with a professional.

Anyway, going through threads and posts I relate to so much of it, and also realize WOW there are a lot of people here with issues related to focus, motivation, cleaning/other tasks, circadian rhythm + sleep, chronic boredom, and emotional regulation.

I’m not sure if ADHD maybe makes you more prone to having such a personality disorder? But I pretty distinctly have both and am curious how they may be related?

I can't be the only weirdo.

I’m an altruistic person, I like to help people, it’s our job as humans to help one another, but I don’t like to be human, I don’t like my limitations, I don’t like that small stuff like sleep, nutrition, hormones, illness can affect my routine, I wish that I was “born” a machine, no need to eat, drink, sleep, no bias, no need to directly interact and live among people, no need for petty problems, just a grey machine that will always function 100% of the time and not be affected by any outside event.

I've noticed I tend to date narcissistic men. They're the easiest people to spend time with because they love talking about themselves and taking up all the conversational airspace. They don't really care if you share anything about yourself and even if you do, they probably won't remember or care.

The problem is, I don't think I actually like them and dating them is getting boring because they're all copy/paste. Nothing new to uncover.

I'm trying to break out of this habit. It's just so easy.

Does anyone relate to this?

this is why also i always hated or feared hippies and communists since i was a kid, i think i would become real mad forced living all day without personal space and without a house or even a room or a bathroom that are all and only mine without any privacy and silence etc... how do you think you would feel if you were forced to live in that way?

I read a passage in a book about two strategies for handling a life that presents itself as a bottomless pit:

you can either eliminate all need and treat the emptiness as an ideal, or you can reach a stage of fulfilled completion, which is also a way to extinguish need, but through satiation.

I don't know, I find both of them unsatisfactory. Wouldn't be good to establish a balance between the 2 strategies?

So one of my colleagues died a few weeks ago. She was very kind and I liked her, she was very caring and fun (even to me!), so yeah… However from an emotional point of view her death did not affect me at all. I don’t really feel anything different, but obviously I have to show my grief or something so my other colleagues can see that I’m not a monster.

Some extremely stressful and annoying days, and the funeral is next week.

I have no idea how to act like I’m sad or at least touched by it but this is a very serious and sensitive thing to my colleagues and the occasional “how are you holding up?” questions make me feel even worse so I answer with lies.

I have to show something but not much otherwise I come out as a mocker or an even bigger idiot.

Seeing people have these intense emotions over a person’s death (???? I’m trying not to be offensive but I often ask myself why people get so worked up over a death? it’s one of the most casual and normal thing that happens to the living, they act like it’s a surprise or something, “Who would have thought that a human being will die sooner or later?”) made me uncomfortable so when I’m at work sometimes I just hide.

I’m sure I’m a terrible human being but I just can’t hold this in myself any longer and for obvious reasons I can’t share with anyone…

Any of you had similar experiences?

I've done it before for many years and with different therapists but I never felt like it helped. I'm thinking about it again but idk.

i've been so obsessed with this idea of suicide for so long. and i've been so obsessed with my own intelligence since i was a kid. i wanted to be smart and when i saw other people being better than me, i either started feeling jealous (when i was very little) or started hating myself. it's my tendency to be a huge doomer, tbh. it's because it's so hard to acknowledge that i care, even if things could go wrong. it's just so much easier to give up and pretend everything was always hopeless since the beginning.

and i'm finally done with this shit. i'm not afraid to say that i care about my life and that i will try my best to keep going even if it's hard and even if i fail. i'm not perfect and i never had to be, i accept that. i accept that i could fail sometimes and that that's not so scary anymore. it's just a part of life, no matter how crushing it feels. i'm not going to kill myself, not now, not ever. i'm gonna keep going as long as i can because i know that i want to. no matter how shitty everything feels all the fucking time, i'll be brave enough to hope that it could be okay some day, even if that hope could be crushed over and over again.

i felt "okay" the last two days and honestly, that hasn't happened in a very long time. i didn't want to kill myself at all. and i don't know if i just got "lucky" or if i am getting better but i'm finally brave enough to hope that things really are getting less shitty

Obviously I’m preaching to the choir and repeating an oft repeated message here.

Feeling nothing constantly is agonizing, and it’s even more agonizing when you can’t actually feel or express the agony that you know is there. Most of the time I can’t even be bothered to complain anonymously on the internet despite how easy it is to do so. It’s a bit of an absurd condition.

I have no one in my life. My woman left me and I need a sexual partner. I spend most of my time on my hobbies, and on walks. Bars don't really interest me because I don't drink. There are no attractive women among my coworkers. What do I do?

He’s been saying it for 5 years now but doesn’t want to reach out. (I just found out recently). He started seeing a therapist to talk about me. Do you guys have any insight on this?

He feels guilty about how he treated me but I thought schizoids don’t care about anything? Is he just bored and wants something to think about in his fantasy world? Lol Is he having imaginary conversations with me every day or what? Is the reason he doesn’t reach out because talking to me is more fulfilling inside his mind? What should I do?

Thanks everyone I appreciate the responses

I'm not sure if I'm schizoid as I've not had any professional diagnosis but can relate to certain symptoms such as:

• little to no empathy
• reserved and muted emotions
• strong solitary preferences
• low motivation
• low interest in being sexually active or being active with others in any way, etc

Anyways I'm a gay man who heavily feels disconnected from the gay community that's hyper sexual and loud, I'm the complete opposite, reserved and quiet, I kinda chuckle to myself about any gay schizoids are bascily an oxymoron, of course everyone is different so this won't apply to everyone.

I used to use hook up apps like grindr and scruff and before apps I would use interactive male chatline back in early 2000s (I'm 34) but gave those up and haven't looked back.

So any gay schizoids here or anyone who knows a gay schizoid?

What has life been like before and after being diagnosed as schizoid?

Edit: I want to thank everyone for their insightful replies, I didn't expect this to gain much traction, I enjoyed reading through every reply and reflecting on them, feel free to share this post, anyone else who comes across this and would like to add their two cents, feel free as well.

I won’t go into too much detail but I’m going to be either accepted or rejected for something today that will significantly impact my chosen career going forward. I expect to be rejected. If I am rejected I will use helium and a plastic bag to end my own life. I haven’t purchased the helium yet and plan on going for an almost 3 hour walk to get it so that I have time to reconsider. I don’t think I’ll choose not to go through with it but it’s important to me to have the option so it isn’t just impulsive.

I know I should probably pivot my life into something else but I lack the desire or perhaps the strength to do so. I’ve never enjoyed life but at least my current path through life offered me intellectual stimulation. When it’s gone I will officially have nothing and no one.

I’m not sure why I’m posting this as I’m not going to write a note. Although I’m debating texting a long distance friend of mine (my only friend, as pathetic as that is) only because I don’t think they’d find out what happened to me otherwise.

I think the reasons as to why I’m going to kill myself would be too hard to explain to any normal person. They’d think I did it because I was rejected but that’s only a half-truth. I’m doing it because life itself has been deeply unsatisfying to me ever since I was a small child. Strangely being rejected might even be better than being accepted as I’ll finally be free from suffering. I thought some of the people here might be able to actually understand.

I tried to hang myself once in the 6th grade but it felt almost like theater. None of it felt real. None of it but the moment where I thought I was going to die. My body acted on its own as it desperately tried to save itself because it wants me to continue living and pass on my genes. It’s a strange feeling to have yourself so disconnected from your body like that, that the two are at war. I often think that some part of me really did die that day. Of course I’m not sure what’s actually left but I intend to finish the job whatever it is. My body can’t fight for its life when I knock the fucker unconscious.

Don’t give me platitudes about not doing it, I don’t care and I’ve heard them all. You might be able to talk me into pulling a Chris McCandless, as I’ve considered it but figured it wouldn’t solve my underlying issues. I put the flair as casual because I thought it was funny.

Edit: Ended up getting accepted so I’m still kicking for now. I’ve had suicide as a backup plan for a long time but it’s weird to have been so ready to actually go through with it.

I still stand by what I said and I was very much ready to do it, I just didn’t get rejected so now I actually have something to pursue. I only add this because I imagine some people will think this was some pathetic, attention-seeking larp. I promise it wasn’t but I don’t know if anyone will believe me, I suppose it doesn’t matter if they do.

Thanks for the replies, some of you might have even convinced me to hold off for a little while if I was rejected. Thanks to everyone except for that weird reincarnation dude that is, I think you might actually have more issues than me somehow.

Is anyone else unable to associate something to themselves? I am unable to belong, so that being said, I can't register in the brain such a thing, as, lets say, something being mine. I literally don't belong to anywhere.

For example: this website is what others use, sex is what others have, chatgpt - aaah that guy who first let me know about it, his thing.

I don't know what can be mine other than my traumatised brain.

It's literally i am unable to see myself doing/having any very generic things a human literally must have.

I don't know that I'm actually schizoid, although I'm suspicious I might be. Anyways, what I'm about to describe certainly seems related.

I know that this is probably conditioned by the fact that I haven't had anywhere near as many real life experiences as 'normal' people, but I genuinely at this point in my life generally feel like virtual or artistic experiences you get from watching films, reading about interesting topics and delving deep into the recesses of the internet are more real or better than real life experiences.

Real life experiences and human interactions have always felt so dull and uninteresting, particularly after the first 30 minutes or so. They just become tedious. They pale in comparison to the virtual, speculative world. People in real life social interactions are totally inhibited and fake, whereas people are much more raw and unfiltered and authentic when they're expressing themselves anonymously on the internet or when making art.

I feel like I'm talking to a chatbot after talking to someone in real life for more than half an hour or so. After a certain amount of time, I feel like I know everything I need to know about someone. They're just basically a wikipedia article to be consumed.

I just don't believe any longer that any real life experience I might have could match the emotional and intellectual enchantment offered by the mental world.

for example, say your car is having trouble and you mention it in passing to a family member. you immediately regret this, because then they start getting upset on your behalf, which is never something you asked for, and now you have to manage the original problem AND their emotional reaction. maybe they say something like "awww that sucks so sorry that happened!" but you know they don't care and won't do anything to help you. it feels so invasive and shaming to me, like a cheap manipulation to make me feel better and therefore not need anything from them. the message I actually get in a situation like that is "take your problems somewhere else." but, if they had something useful to offer, like what might be wrong with the car, then I wouldn't mind at all.

Ive been on the maximum daily dose of lamotrigine for almost 3 years now thanks to what i think are two consecutive misdiagnoses (bipolar and borderline), and it feels like during that time ive only gotten worse. Ive come to realize lately that its extremely likely that i have SzPD, so, in response, i stopped taking the lamotrigine and am instead focusing on SzPD coping mechanisms and (continuing) taking 300mg of bupropion daily. My mental state has never felt better in my life.

My theory is that the lamotrigine prevented me from feeling anything but the most extreme of emotions, effectively killing what little bits of emotion i would normally feel day-to-day. The utter lack of emotion pushed me to take extreme measures to feel something, which put me in situations that caused my mental health to deteriorate further. I.e.: medication induced vicious cycle.

Im wondering if anyone else has had any experience with lamotrigine and could offer their insight, or if anyone could weigh in with their opinions on my theory. I'd appreciate any input people want to provide.

Sort of a continuation of this. I asked about fiction in the original thread and most of the responses answered they prefer non-fiction. That didn't occur to me because I personally just don't like engaging with media much, fictional or not.

Engage = Reading, watching, playing, listening, etc. I don't know what the best one word captures these Non-fiction = Including research, studies, news, informative posts, etc.

For the purpose of the poll consider 'engaging' to be an active choice and don't include stuff you 'have' to do against your will (eg reading something for school/work).

I'll leave whether you count 'mindless' (for lack of a better word) consumption to your volition (eg scrolling through Reels/Shorts, reading Reddit comments, etc.), though I'd appreciate if you elaborated in the comments.

Bonus questions if you're inclined to elaborate on any:

• Do you have media-aligned or otherwise creative hobbies? (Drawing, writing, doing media analyses/reviews, etc.) What kind?*
• For those who answered the last choice, why don't you? (Avolition, anhedonia, find it shallow/meaningless, no time, etc.)
• For those who have media-aligned hobbies -and- answered the last choice, do you think they correlate somehow? If yes, in what way?
• Are you comorbid with anything and do you think that affects your choices?

• If you want to count stuff like elaborate mental worldbuilding even if you don't explicitly make 'content' of it then feel free to do so.

I'm curious if it's common to like making stuff despite not engaging with pre-existing works since 'You need to read/watch/etc to know how to write/draw/etc.' is the prevalent mindset among creators. Personally I just can't get myself to care that much about something that I didn't make myself, and even those things I barely care about.

I also think my disposition is heavily affected by being schizotypal and dissociation hence why I'm curious about comorbidity.

Sorry this post is longer than I expected. lol

View Poll

I usually leave my house once a week/two (just when I run out of food) however, recently when I went outside, I felt like I was in a dream - even though the vision was normal, the perception of reality was limited to just sounds and familiar places. My yard, the store I always go to, the street - everything looked normal, yet seemed "small" and artificial. The quietness of the street was too quiet; even though it is always quiet. The crowded store was too noisy; even though it is always noisy. Suddenly I felt difficulty breathing - I couldn't stand still because I felt I was about to pass out if I didn't sit down somewhere right away. I ran to the nearest bench and I sat for a few minutes and then went home. Since then, every time I go outside it looks like this - feeling like I'm in a dream, having a different perception of reality which looks similar but has something in it that makes it feel artificial… and then comes this difficulty breathing and feeling that I am going to pass out. It's been two months and I'm too scared to go outside - I know what is going to happen. I tried to fight it many times, but I nearly fainted or suffocated. I always try to hold out as long as possible but at some point my vision fades and my brain only thinks with the "fight or run" instinct.

My recent diagnosis (my last post in this sub) was really helpful to me. And I've realized something about myself recently. I have a tendency to sabotage (potential) relationships with others.

I push them away when they start to get too close, and I've become increasingly aware of why. I can't stand people getting too close to me.

As lonely as I do feel at times, and have fantasized for years finding that perfect mate, when I do find someone (which is very rare), I push them away until they leave.

Not saying others here are like this, but, I've begun to realize this about myself and why I do it. Funny thing is, I don't feel heartbroken over it, I feel relieved.

How do go with kids generally? Do you mask with them?

So I wake up and go to work and when I'm trying to get out of bed, I feel just AWFUL. I would do almost anything to stay in bed, because I hate leaving my peaceful place so much.

But then I go to work and honestly it usually isn't that bad. I just cannot for the life of me get over this hump. I can't think "into the future" to put me in a better mindset the only thing I can think of is now, and how uncomfortable I am with changing what is now

All she does is cry, and she's a revolving door patient for eating disorders/suicide attempts. We're both 16, but i am a college student. We were together in person, but i had to move across the country, so we're long distance now. All she does is call me sobbing, and I'm forced to help her and calm her down. Everytime I see there is an incoming call from her, I dread picking it up, because If I do she will just cry to me, and if I don't she'll throw up in the bathroom, or cut herself. Its so fucking stressful, and if I break up with her she WILL kill herself, I am not exaggerating, she has told me she would in the past. I hate her, I just want to be alone forever, but I'm stuck and there's nothing I can do. My family loves her to pieces, but I just want out, I think they'll be disappointed in me if I "give up on her". Everyday I wake up, I am reminded that after a long day of doing shit I hate (studying, socializing, class, etc) I will be forced to come home, and console her.

Is anyone here who really has both (ADHD and schizoid) diagnosed by a professional? Or has a family history of both? My mother was from a schizoid family and in the family of my dad runs ADHD. The fact, that they were almost polar opposites, made them attracted to each other.

I see ADHD as a disorder of proximity, whereas schizoid PD is a disorder of detachment.

How do you live with this? As this combination is quite contradictory?