Assuming you had to either sit or lay down with no other distractions (obviously no sleeping)

I imagine i could do this for quite a long time if i wanted

I see some say they prefer acquaintances and feel uncomfortable getting into deep relationships; some say deep relationships are the only thing they could tolerate, hence they have trouble getting acquainted with people and cannot develop new relationships as a result.

[Edit: am just wondering since I've come across an old meme on this sub, saying they prefer acquaintances over friends. https://www.reddit.com/r/Schizoid/s/gUj7tonFSp Probably a question for folks who still have some level of need for human interactions.]

I’ve been wrestling with this gnawing sense of frustration and grief over the life I always dreamed of living versus the one I’m actually in. Growing up, I had this vivid, almost idealized image of the person I could become—someone who thrived in creativity, connection, and authenticity. I’d dream or write about it endlessly, a kind of escape from my reality. So much so, I convinced myself and at times others, I wasn't void of this impostor feeling, being disconnected but cosplaying, something that I am not to try to have what I never got to experience.

Recently, as an adult, I’ve become aware of the gap between who I pretended and wanted to be and who I am.

What’s worse is that the fantasy of myself still exists in my mind—this internal projection of a confident, expressive, and fulfilled person. But instead of inspiring me, it feels like a constant reminder of my failure to become that person, I feel like I'm failing myself. I harbor resentment at my parents and caregivers for not paying attention to me enough as a child to intervene. Who has a child and thinks it's normal they don't cry, don't talk to family members, spend all day in their room, hiding from others, always playing alone, no friends.... teachers who put me down, didn't notice my lack of support, wrote my tardiness as lack of care, scolded me, instead of asking me if everything was okay, when no one picked me up from school.

It’s like I’m stuck in this endless loop of knowing what I could’ve been if only things had been different but feeling powerless to change it now. The people who I disconnected from unconsciously, out of fear or these lingering beliefs that were not true. I feel like I'm missing out on the life I wanted to have. The anger I have at the circumstances that shaped me, myself, not being aware of how to push harder at the world to make it happen.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else feels this way too? This void, this disconnection, this not knowing has stolen my life and its become so engrained in the way that I am that there is no changing it, even if there was this possibility, I live with a scroll of things I have never done or become and being years behind of everyone else. Always looking over my shoulder. Always aware of the tail of people I've not been able to connect to the way I wanted to because I don't know how and I'd rather be alone and at peace. This is my life. How do you reconcile the person you are with the person you want to be? Or do you just keep dreaming and hope it’ll feel less heavy someday?

Is this possible with ScPD? Because I experience both.

I already knew this information but I just thought it was because it looks like tired eyes. But I looked at some videos that I make to leave in the gallery. I rarely blink my eyes, they move strangely, and it feels "empty." Does anyone experience something similar?

(Resource request)

https://search.alexanderstreet.com/search?searchstring=schizoid&sort_by=search_api_relevance&sort_order=DESC&f%5B0%5D=discipline_subject_hierarchy_facet%3APsychology%20%26%20Counseling

There are a couple of session transcripts stored at Alexander Street, particularly in the Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Collection. You need to have institutional access (or ask your institution to do the 30 day free trial). And... sharing is caring?

Hey all,

On a quest to cure some features of schizoid that I have.

I have am notably following the "schizoid cure" reddit post.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Schizoid/comments/1fk8ung/schizoid_cure_update/?rdt=63392

I have wellbutrin coming in as well as all the supplements. We'll see how it goes. Just missing stimulants, which I'll probably be prescribed once my psychological assessment in January.

I am doing this without medical supervision I'm afraid, however, I am a nursing student (fucking somehow despite being schizoid and borderline autistic alcoholic) so I'm confident in this. I'm also completely unhinged so not like I care.

Strange to say but I think I'll have to pretend to be more adhd than schizo to get them, but that's okay.

Any medications that have worked for you guys, especially anedonia or apathy?

I have this idea that the symptoms that are also consistent with Dopamine dysfunction I can treat with supplements and wellbutrin to regulates this system. This should also help my daydreaming.

In case of flat affect, it's not a killer. People find it funny and I can get away with just being funny or dressing well.

Lack of initiating conversation - I have used cocaine, speed, or shrooms in the past to overcome this. Considering this, a stimulant prescription may help this, along with wellburin as it might resolve underlying anxiety.

In terms of social skills, I have used psychedelics this summer to overcome some difficulties. I am more spontaneous with what I do and say I find. Less worried about consequences, which is more human.

Quitting alcohol and cigarettes will help, if I eventually get the motivation to do that. It is so hard but I'm strong enough deep down.

Despite this quest, I understand that I exist more internally than externally. Knowing that I exist solely in my mind is a huge mentality change I need to take.

Not giving up yet. Will be human one day.

Few months ago I started reaserching how to cure this condition. Although it's incurable there are few possible options that work. At least for me.

Years ago I smoked a lot. In retrospection I was feeling good back then. When I quited I started to be less motivated. I didn't had even motivation to watch movies or do anything on the internet. And it wasn't just withdrawal syndrome. It lasted all the time.

Now I'm using nicotine pouches, caffeine is my friend. Nootropics overall work. Now I can read a book in a week, study hours daily, work out. In summarition I'm pretty functional. I almost completely got over avolition. It's not the healthiest way to deal with it but it work and that's enough.

But there is one big downside. I don't know what pleasure feels like anymore. I'm quite a hedonist rn, not some hardcore one, but in my own way. It's paradoxical but from all of this I think that I am in constant loop of pleasure and this amount of dopamine is my basic level. Nothing feels "special" anymore. Relaxation after work should feel like something long awaited but it's not. It's something average.

I don't want to boast through writing this post. I know I'm in better position than many of people here. I don't want to advertise chemicals, everyone should decide for themselves if it's a good way for them.

Let's go to the gist. Is there anything I can do about this? Afaik the only way to boost even more pleasure is onece in a while do something even more pleasurable. Let's say meth or something. And that's not the right way. Is there anything else? If not that's okay too. It's not bad situation right now. It always could be worse.

I don't watch TV or movies. I don't play video games. I barely enjoy music and it's almost always just 2 or 3 one-off songs I play on repeat for months to years at a time. I'm not engaged with politics. I studied IT for a while but don't care enough about it to want to talk about it. I occasionally slog my way through a book, but I never enjoy the process.

It hard to make friends when my hobbies consists of zoning out, pacing in circles, and endless daydreaming. I watch YouTube for hours just for some stimulation, but I don't really enjoy it.

A former therapist told me it was very unlikely for siblings to have the same personality disorder, and more than two siblings sharing the same one was basically unheard of, pretty much impossible. She even used this as an argument to say that, whatever exactly I have, cannot be a personality disorder. What do you think of that, is that actually true? Do your siblings also show at least a few schizoid symptoms, or are they completely normal?

I always found my family situation quite interesting in that regard, PD or not:

I have two "full" siblings, and one half sister, who has a different dad. And my half sister is the only one of us who seems to be completely normal. Me and my two other siblings have always been weirdos though. No friends, very uncommunicative, bad social skills, rather shy and introverted, if not even anxious. All that to a degree where it could definitely be considered pathological or some sort of disorder. You could definitely see schizoid traits in all three of us, although there are still differences. We aren't completely the same, but oddly similar.

I sometimes wonder if our similarities are due to genes or nurture, I think both would be possible. Again, my half sister is totally normal; She has a different dad, but also is several years younger than the rest of us, and therefore didn't grow up under quite the same circumstances. So who knows.

I am Autistic, and while not as extreme as SPD, the one symptom i DO get to quite a huge degree is an aversion to close friendships or relationships.

Difference from actual SPD is that i CAN enjoy being close with people, its just incredibly, incredibly rare. And really tricky to maintain, assuming i feel the desire to maintain it in the first place.

In spite of how much i genuinely love people, and no matter how much i expect myself to be comfortable with it, i cant. I genuinely thought this made me a really horrid person, because autism couldnt explain it. It was more than a low social battery. Because many other autistic people seem to still actively want friendships, Which baffles me. I dont get it, no matter how hard i try to. Friendships and continued communication drain me to such a massive degree compared to everyone i knew, even more than other autistic people with low social batteries. So I didnt get why anyone would actively want more of that. The fact i didnt get it was more reason to believe that there was something really wrong with me.

So i cant begin to really articulate how comforting it is to know this is a real thing that other people also get too. While with SPD its a bit more extreme than what i get, i still resonate wholeheartedly with what im reading on - especially here. Its comforting to know im not the only one in this weirdly restrictive bubble. Because its not something i can really change about myself, so in all this guilt, and no matter how much i feel a bit trapped by this -theres someone else who too has a social life running on windows 98. I feel like i dont have to shut up about feeling this way anymore.

This is all i wanted to say. Thank you :)

Tldr because i tend to yap: Im Autistic, but autism couldnt explain my huge aversion to, and avoidance of forming any close friendships or relationships. Its been something which has caused me to feel a terrible degree of shame. So i cant begin to describe how comforting it is to know its not just me.

Hi everyone! I love this group because you guys make me feel so comfortable that I don't have to mask, I can say anything i want so here's my story.

I am gay, born in a homophobic country. I had to fight to escape and gain autonomy. I might lose that. I don't have the citizenship of the country i am in and even if i did, right wing extremism is on the rise globally. I had to quit my job because my boss was extremely toxic, I went on to get additional training but I could have very easily not been accepted and then I would have had to go back to the country where my abusive family is at, where people feel like i am a punching bag.

The point is, the autonomy i gained is not unconditional, it takes effort to maintain it and I might fall short one day. If I gain anything else that's "good" but not unconditional, the effort to maintain it might be enough to make me lose everything and no-one is gonna save me. That is why i need comfort that's eternal and absolute control and support. Because if it's just 50% it can turn into 2% tomorrow.

Positive emotions have never done anything good for me. It wasn't hope that got me out of my country of birth, it was frustration. Happiness is not what makes me keep going, fear is. Passive suicidality is what makes me feel liberated because I don't think about tomorrow since I don't wanna be here today. My pessimism has done more for me than anyone else, along with my inner world, it's the only thing i can trust to have my back. If proof of some form of afterlife was to come tomorrow, my negative emotions wouldn't keep me here in a state of suffering, gaslighting toxic positivity might try that.

i also hate it when my gay friends say they care. If I had to go back to my country tomorrow, not a single one of them would offer to marry me so I can stay. Don't get me wrong, I can't ask that of anyone, but the point is you care if your actions prove it. If not, you're an egoist who thinks the ability to feel empathy makes you an angel.

And in the following years while she was going through chemotherapy I was never distressed about the whole situation, even though I love my mom dearly. Has something similar happened to you?

Why am I so devoid of emotions? I cannot understand it. Could it be a self-defense/coping mechanism? I suppose it has its advantages too because I am never stressed even when in stressful situations.

(I'm 21, if that's important for you to reference.. for some reason) Ever since breaking up with my first girlfriend (first friend, for that matter), I feel like I have lost a necessary tether to the external world. I met her at a previous job which I had been at for years, so I had had time to adapt to communicating before meeting her. After another quick contract job, I started working from home. This is when she became the only person which I communicated with at the level of even small-talk.

Me and my family went to a memorial service for my deceased grandfather a few months after our breakup, and this is when it became abundantly clear to me just how much my ability to communicate had declined. I was unable to have a conversation with any of my family members and couldn't even manage small talk without fumbling my words or being at a total loss for a response to (presumably) basic questions.

My ex called the other day. She does this from time to time just to check in. The calls are almost entirely silence, and its mostly just me listening to her go about her day because she has no interest in actually talking, nor do I. In one of these extended silent calls, I found a joke which made me chuckle. She asked what was funny and I started trying to read it out, but I noticed that I couldn't muster up the ability. I physically could not read out the joke. I could speak sluggishly in general, but for some reason couldn't read the words aloud at all.

There's other disturbances beyond the social realm. I find myself watching YouTube videos on mute for large chunks of time, many of these videos aren't visually centered and it might just be a guy talking into the camera. I find myself switching between tabs at an alarming rate, not reloading the page for anything new to appear, just pointlessly clicking through the same tabs, not even noticing what's contained in them. I spend hours pacing in circles just spinning my wheels, only to realize I don't remember what I was thinking about, and then I to go back to spinning my wheels.

I stopped working enough hours to sustain my bills and needs. I live with my mom so I will probably get kicked out when I tell her I blew all my savings because I stopped working. I will likely become homeless and I don't care.

What would be the difference between the two? I definitely do have schizoid traits, but when I bring up being schizoid to my therapist or psychiatrist they brush it off.

My psychologist explained that I had schizoid traits last month. And while it made sense on the surface, I feel like there's a distinction in that I don't feel happy like this. Even just taking this subreddit for example, a lot of people seem content not having platonic or romantic relationships. And for me, at the very least, it's not so black and white. I have very few platonic connections and I've never had any romantic ones. And what I know is that I don't feel happy with the way that things are, I want more out of this life. But I also don't know how I would even approach fixing things.

(In hindsight, now that you know as an adult)

For me, I think my issues definitely stemmed from a very cold/impersonal mom that I never connected to, an emotionally absent and unhappy dad, and total emotional neglect. However I think I was also genetically “primed” for this disorder in a way my siblings weren’t, because they turned out reasonably healthy and adjusted, with the capacity to form meaningful relationships.

One of the biggest signs for me was that I was an extremely sensitive child, probably since birth. I’m not autistic but do relate to all the symptoms of highly sensitive people. I remember being very clingy, very nervous to start preschool and kindergarten, and very quick to cry. I had an overload of empathy that felt unbearable. I have vague memories of being anxious in the mornings and throwing up before early morning flights when I was very young.

Another is that I was an extremely quiet toddler that never cried, but I was told I cried as an infant, so I think it’s more likely that I eventually stopped crying when I realized my needs weren’t going to be met anyways. My mom says I was always happy to be quiet and observing people. These are the only words I’ve ever been described with: quiet, shy, observant, curious, well behaved.

As I got into adolescence is when the more notable symptoms started to emerge (in my opinion). I was always extremely private, and as I got older it got even more pronounced. I read a lot of Nicholas Sparks books and remember fantasizing about relationships and what not, but one thing that always bothered me was that I couldn’t even imagine sharing a room with someone. My room felt so immensely personal to me as a kid, and it was filled with so many journals and things that felt so shameful and private, that the idea of ever sharing a room, much less a home, seemed unfathomable.

In middle school I did develop crushes, but as soon as I realized the other person actually liked me too, all my attraction immediately vanished. I only felt attraction when it felt secret and safe, where I knew nothing would actually come of it. I honestly hated telling my few friends about crushes because they always expected me to want to do something about it, and that was always the last thing I wanted to do.

In high school and college I struggled SO much with class discussions. I always struggled with participation, but it showed the most in discussions. I could not come up with any kind of spontaneous thought. I would read the books and do the assignments, but it blew my mind that people could hear a brand new question, briefly think about it, and then come up with an elaborate response with specific examples out of nothing but pure memory. I did perfect on writing assignments but failed every discussion.

I’ve struggled with spontaneous thought and alogia (lack of speech) for as long as I can remember. I always wondered how jobs like radio hosts and broadcasters worked, because it involved so much spontaneous talking. I couldn’t fathom how people could be so quick with their words like that. Same with podcasters. How did they always have something to say? It never made sense to me as a kid.

I also struggled with selective mutism a lot as a preschooler. I remember going on playdates with other shy kids and just standing there in front of each other, not talking. I was so inhibited to the point I have memories of my preschool classmates sitting in a circle and standing up to all dance together, but I would remain seated every time. Had no desire to participate whatsoever

If you think you are avoidant predominately, then feel free to join. It's a very open-minded server. It is labelled as Avoidant Personality Disorder, but it is open to PDs such as Schizoid.

https://discord.gg/VfKqYhWe

Beauty is a mask for me but also not a mask, it's my real personality. It's both soul-deep and surface-level, at the same time. Both too much effort and too little effort into my appearance are indicative of poor mental health for me.

Thoughts on make-up:

It's less about beauty and vanity (although that's also present) and more about hiding. Whenever I've felt the heat rise in my ears and cheeks, I know my face gets very red. On those occasions, I wish I had worn foundation to hide my flush. Why should people know whatever I'm feeling? Why should people know that I've not slept well? Conceal that shit! The eczema flairup on my face is attracting too much attention. I wish I could wear makeup to hide it.

I want that perfect botoxed blank face in those situations. Nothing moves and nothing flushes. Whatever's wrong, never shows. Plastic perfection. Nothing of note, I look mass-manufactured just like all those other beautiful surgeried women. Hell, I think some of those surgeries also destroy your ability to cry tears! I want that kind of ultimate stoic face.

Too pretty mask:

In depression no. 2, I lost a lot of weight, used makeup and would put myself together extremely well. It was a mask for all of the unhappiness I felt inside. I didn't want that unhappiness to be seen. I was pale and anemic and skinny. I looked sick but I was also weirdly attractive, sort of like That Japanese beauty trend. I couldn't identify with my reflection in the mirror, it seemed like a beautiful alien. Too pretty, not me.

A bit of background:

I realised very late actually that people find me attractive. I fall into the cute/child-like/innocent category. We never had a full-length mirror at home during my teens because my parents deemed it unnecessary. My mother dislikes indulging in vanity. She doesn't like it when I look ugly and also when I look "too pretty". Even now, I forget to check myself in the mirror before leaving the house because I never developed the habit in childhood. And have more than once walked out with shirt on inside-out. Appearance was just ignored in my home. For the longest time, until I turned 18, I never thought about my appearance and didn't consider myself attractive. Only realised that when I learnt all the boys gossiped about me being an ice queen. And there I was feeling like I'm unseen and inconspicuous lol. I was initially weirded out that people found me attractive. I look nothing like the actresses on TV. I'm sure all of this baggage also contributed to me not identifying with my "pretty reflection".

Don't care at all:

Depression no. 3 (last year) - This was the total opposite. I didn't shower, my hair loc'ed up, I didn't wash my clothes, I gained weight, I didn't wish to be seen. I did not care about my appearance at all, even to do basic maintenance stuff. I felt ugly. Depression 3 was worse than the previous 2 episodes. Way worse. I'd never had SI before and had thought myself incapable of such thoughts.

Beauty, a sense of possession and jealousy:

My relationship to my appearance is all over the place, but in all other areas of life, I need and cultivate. I want my living space to be gorgeous and cozy because it's my sanctuary where I spend most of my time. Yup, I'm a maximalist and greedy. I want things and pretty things to boot, because it helps make a space my space. Things make me feel as if I am rooted enough in a place to call it home. I hated it when my mother rearranged stuff in my home, when she visited because her rearrangement made it not mine. This was also an issue when I was rooming with a college friend during our first job together. We sort of rearranged the kitchen each time we went there. She wanted her way. I wanted mine. It's surprising how we didn't have an argument over this and just continued the rearrangement in a passive aggressive fashion. Because things moved and not where I put them annoyed me.

It also makes me happy when people admire me/my stuff and wish they could live like me. I enjoy being the object of jealousy. And it kinda makes me feel like the stuff belongs to me and I belong surrounded by all my stuff. The pretty jealous-making stuff, beauty, my hair - sort of imbue me with a "me-ness".

Yes, rather surface-level but also not? Personality is not a shallow concept. It's comforting and makes me feel whole, I am who I am. But also other people's jealousy defines me so it is also shallow at the same time.

Say how you are doing and what you are doing.

I don't even know what to do with that. Please don't get attached to me, I never learned how to be a human being.

All the "negative symptoms of schizophrenia" hits me hard, how to not end up homeless with that? Seems impossible to me.

I think my schizoid tendencies can summed up as having no motivation to initiate anything socially. The thing is, I don't mind if someone else starts a conversation with me, and can potentially even enjoy it (unless it's just small talk, but of course that's a low bar). There isn't really a fear of connection; in fact, I enjoy the attention when somebody takes interest in areas of my life I care about. Praise (and criticism) highly affect me. What makes it odd though, is that I almost never have any interest in others' lives. This understandably means that, despite reciprocating every social gesture I encounter, it's rare for a genuine relationship to form due to lack of my own initiation/care for the other person. According to my mother, I was like this ever since I was a young child -- I could enjoy playing with other children, but would be completely disinterested until they came to me. That mirrors where I am now: No desire to put in the effort associated with social connection, but can sometimes enjoy the novelty whenever I happen to experience it.

I'm wondering how common this is, especially given how 'fear of engulfment' is often referenced as a central schizoid characteristic. Not sure how much I relate... of course, I'm a rather extreme introvert and thus value my personal space and autonomy, but I've never had to push people away (at least to any significant degree) to preserve it. Ime, if I don't seem actively interested in another person's life, they end up leaving me alone naturally.

I recently got diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder, and I started questioning it. Towards my mom and brother it didn't really apply (Diminished or completely gone), so did it not make sense anymore to be diagnosed with it?

My therapist told me it still fits. It doesn't have to be in all situations of my life, just a large variety of them. So I started wondering, is schizoid personality disorder the same way?

Currently I'm diagnosed with paranoid personality disorder with schizoid traits, but if this is true I'd like to go over it again and see if an actual diagnosis of SzPD makes sense.

Will bring this up in my next meeting, but I wanted to hear some of yalls experiences.

Hi, I'm nearly 40yrs old and have been 'different' my whole life.

I've never had a partner or relationship (I've never had sex)

I have struggled with my mental health my whole life. I've been diagnosed with treatment resistant depression and anorexia.

This last year I've had a major breakdown and spent most of it in hospital. I took an overdose and had ECT which lifted a bit of my depression briefly then I spiralled straight back into hell within a couple of weeks.

I'm currently in a residential eating disorder treatment facility which means spending 24hrs a day around other people. From 07.30 - 9pm you have to be in a common space with up to 17 other people having group therapies, eating, and just being around each other, then even at night you have to share a room.

I have NOT coped well with this AT ALL. Everyone else is going on about how they've 'found their people' here i.e with the eating disorders, but I feel even more alien here than before and have never felt so alone, misunderstood and just different.

I am scared of people, I can't connect with them. I can superficially, and can 'mask' for a bit so I'll have seemingly 'better' days here where I force myself to engage etc, but then I crash for days afterwards and am so zoned out and in my own head it's like I'm not on the same planet.

1:1 interactions scare the shit out of me and make me incredibly uncomfortable.

How do you ever get through with this? All the therapy here is all about how humans need connection for survival, and here I am unable to relate to anyone even in a psych facility. I have never felt so broken.

I had a traumatic childhood with a physically and emotionally abusive, manipulative alcoholic father and an emotionally cold and unavailable mother, whilst also being bullied in school.

curious to see the results.

i mainly ask this as i believe that it's common amongst schizoids (and those with schizoid traits, actually) to have a unique or impaired relationship with food; whether that be overeating, binging, under-eating, etc which typically impacts weight. sometimes i see a dislike for food completely and needing meals to be forced for sustenance which gets me curious.

please share your experience!

My boyfriend is somewhat popular in the sense that he has many people he knows / talks to regularly (compared to me who talks to a grand total of 4 people including him regularly). So when we are out together he gets approached a lot by these acquaintances of his.

He will stop to talk to them, and I keep walking acting as if we don’t even know each other. If he is on the game or on the phone with them I leave the room. After this I will not be able to talk to him or anyone else for a few hours, I go completely nonverbal.

I don’t feel attractive enough to be with him so I’m always scared him friends are gonna wait until I leave and then talk about how ugly I am and how he could do better. And I have grown to absolutely despise his friends, who are good people, because of this.

This fear has turned into rage and I don’t know how to get over it. A few years ago one of his at the time best friends sexually assaulted me so maybe that is the reason. Whenever I see him talking to a friend it feels like I’m being cheated on. Why do I feel like this. Does anyone else experience this? What do you do? Why can’t I be normal?