Hey all

I'm new to the RedPill community, so please be patient with me!

At the start of my relationship (I am 32F my bf is 30M), my boyfriend was often initiating conversations about our future together, telling me how much he loves me, asking many questions about our relationship and my day, giving many compliments about my appearance and character, giving many presents, and seeming very present. He was never on his phone around me.

We seem to be headed towards marriage, and overtime all of these things have diminished. He's on his phone around me for long periods, compliments me less, doesn't bring up our future of his own accord. He often won't initiate holding my hand or making physical contact when we're near each other. If I initiate conversations or contact he will reciprocate, but he rarely leads these things. I've noticed this increasing overtime, and it makes me sad. This NYE said I'd love to do something romantic together and he said he had to do laundry.

We do a lot together - share family holidays, exercise, share time with friends. We're headed towards marriage, so this merging of lives seems natural to me. In fact, these are all things he really pushed for - when I was more independent at the start of our relationship, he always wanted to speak in we terms and plan trips together and chat about our future more and always wanted to know if I felt the same way.

When I feel he has become more distant, I shrink into myself around him. I feel bad to always be the one to initiate romantic words and touch. But then if I sit next to him quietly while he scrolls, I feel resentful. I feel so stuck. I really could use pragmatic advice, or hear stories of those in similar boats. Thanks all ♥️

TLDR: Context of why I believe I have lost him to the red pill. What do I do?

Hi everyone, for context my boyfriend and I have been together since I was 17, almost 18. The initial stages of our relationship were tumultuous and difficult. He lacked discipline and I lacked a back bone, we were young and things improved. However, he had lied about something we both knew the truth to when I was 19, and I broke up with him due to frustration of his issue of lying.

This morning, I get numerous calls and texts from him as I am abroad taking care of my sick grandmother. He questions me and starts slut shaming me for what I had done on the trip in 2023 when we broke up. He slut shamed me for wearing a tank top with jeans, for hanging out as a group with other guys (we were a group of around 5 girls and 4 men), and for going to an MIT frat house (trust me, it’s not traditional frat culture). I had wore a tshirt and jeans and was sober at the frat house. He claims that I got “fucked” and my “mouth spat in and cummed on”. All random, out of the blue.

He also has started to become more racist. He randomly brought up when I had spoke to a black and hispanic man when we were not together and said that he “cant believe I would since they are the enemy”. For context, he is white and I am half white.

I am not political but he has shifted his political views and screamed at me for saying I dont know who to vote for in November. He said that I should “trust his word and not question it”. He has increasingly became more protective and takes care of me, but also more aggressive and angry.

My boyfriend started looking into the Red Pill movement when we first met, he retweets and likes some pretty weird things on X that say they are masculinity pages seem more incel-esque than traditionally masculine ideas. I grew up in a traditional, Pakistani household and I also agree with a lot of views in this subreddit after reading through. He claims he is high value but I have had a career, applying to dental school and I am almost done with my bachelor’s. He is a college drop out and was in prison last year, he claims that he is the prize.

In conclusion, has he fallen too deep into the red pill? A toxic aspect of it? It’s just sad to mourn my first love and the man who took my virginity. I feel conflicted.

I am pursuing a bachelors and will not be finished with it for 2 more years.

I want to move to another country, meet a guy there & get married & have many many children, but I cant wait anymore ughhh. All the sensless boring studying, everyone goes partying & gets drunk (this is so disgusting to me).

It would be so much nicer to be married & have a big family, spending every night with people you love, going to mass together, it sounds like a dream. 😭

I just turned 29F. Is it too late for me to find someone and have kids? I haven’t been able to find the one, I made the mistake and spent much of my 20s studying and make 6 figures now which I know guys do not typically care about… I know it takes a while of talking before marriage and I currently have no prospects. I worry that I may not find anyone or be able to have kids. Any hope or advice for me?

hi gals, i'll admit i'm more of a "dabbler" when it comes to red pill, but from what i understand that's the prevailing attitude here -- take what resonates and leave the rest. this page has changed my approach to relationship in some major ways, but i'll admit one thing i just can't get down with is porn. i get that watching people have sex is sexy. i get that seeing sexy women is sexy. i get that men have a totally different mindset than us when it comes to porn. and i definitely get that an interest in porn is an indication of a man having a healthy sex drive, which i'm "fine" with since i also have a high sex drive and couldn't be with a man who didn't. i still don't LIKE it, and i never will. this is a case of me knowing my limitations as a woman and being mindful of it. for the past few years i've adopted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, where i will not pry or demand a man stops watching it, but i absolutely do not want to be reminded that he does.

i'm 24 and my bf is 27. last night i was doing something on his laptop (with his permission) and accidentally saw the porn subreddits he is subscribed to. i have struggled a LOT with insecurity and self harm and was having a bad day yesterday and sort of freaked out and started crying and told him it made me feel like i wasn't good enough. i explained why i felt that way and he felt bad that i felt bad but he really didn't understand my perspective at all.

in my opinion, subscribing to pages where more or less normal everyday girls are posting themselves alone, with their faces, bodies, and the things they say in titles/comments being the SOLE focal point is a lot different than watching a video where professional actors are having sex with each other. to me this is more akin to, for example, subscribing to an onlyfans -- it's like a parasocial affair. is that a mischaracterization? maybe, but it makes me feel like shit. i can't help but take it as a message saying i'll never be enough for him, even on my best days. and yes, i am an attractive woman who puts effort into staying slim and looking pretty, but obviously there are women just as attractive and more attractive than i am, and he is most certainly aware of this too.

the other thing is, he has issues with ED and finishing too fast. he puts effort into giving me pleasure in other ways if he can't get or stay hard so i'm not unsatisfied per se, but i do really wish we could have penetrative sex more often and for longer. at the beginning of our relationship he said he stopped using porn because he had a problem with it, but he admitted somewhat recently that he has started looking at it again. so now i also feel like ...really? you're willing to make it worse? (although on the other hand maybe he thinks it will help him be able to last longer...?)

i thought i got it out of my system, but i still feel awful today. i really, REALLY need advice on how to approach, or even better how NOT to approach, a man's porn use, both in my own head and in my relationship.

In the event of discussing your sexual experience and past to a potential partner, what would you guys include and exclude? Would oral sex be something you mention in your bodycount? I would like to be completely honest, but im unsure what guys ask for when they want to know your bodycount.

I'm a RPW who started dating a red pill guy BUT it was when he was between jobs. I ended up giving him some money to help pay for rent and stuff. He got a job and will pay me back. I also make more money than him.

My question is is it too late to change the dynamic in the relationship and reset to feminine/masculine role?

Edit (5 days since the incident) :

Hi all, this is not the original post. I deleted the text because it's a disturbing read. I am updating that I am utilizing legal and other forms of support to end this relationship in a safe way. The social worker was fired the next day without me doing anything, then they set me up with their most senior one.

Hi! Love the community here and the ideals have always like resonated with me but especially so now that I'm really thinking about the future more than ever.

I was just wondering if their are any celebs or influencers who are known to be RPW or at the very least definitely seem to live this sort of lifestyle? Or is having a following somehow even kinda against RPW? Lol idk! It would be nice to see some good popular role models out there in the world!

Hi could u give me some advices what to do in that situatuon and how I could reverse roles in my relationship?

Ive been in relationship for 3 years. This is my first relationship. I have a problem with my feminine energy and my boyfriend dont help me with it. Im pretty masculine from character person and Im working in men fields. My boyfriend is choleric and loves to discuss about everything, which isnt problem for me.

We like rivalization in healthy term and we rivalize in many fields. Im more quiet, direct and concise naturally than him and when it comes to intimacy, I must do almost everything.

I like to dominate but from about half a year I have some submission fantasies, which I deny thinking about practical stuff and interests. We talked many times about it and he keeps saying that he respects my boundaries even if I say him openly about what I want him to do me.

Its not kinky, just want him to be more masculine in some fields. He often tells me when Im gently providing some cuddlings and games that he is sleepy. I feel rejected and neglected and think that he only likes my "tomboy" side of character because its easier for him to function with it. I think he doesn't like women attitude and is kinda submissive to me in some fields and clearly saying that he isnt.

I feel disrespected as a women who sometimes have need to just throw everything apart and be with her men and not analyse every choice consequence and result of every actions. He is pretty feminine in character as a boy but have masculine interests which he is good at. I must initiate everything in intimacy..

Talked about it many times excluded that he doesnt see me attractive, religious vievs, even that he truthfully likes boys..

We are virgins from choice who are waiting till marriage but some sorts of plays are needed to keep the fire burning in relationship.

Im jealous about women who have masculine man who take care of them. Im the masculine man who take care of two of us and need to rest, sometimes biology kicks in..

EDIT: thank you all for the sound, solid advice. I know my next steps. Y’all are wonderful.

I’ve been pouring over this sub for the past 48 hours and damn, I wish I found it 10 years ago! I’d love your advice able a situation with the guy I’m dating.

He is a HVM. We’ve been dating for almost 3-months, but we’re not exclusive. We have great emotional, physical and mental chemistry. He’s told me he feels safe, carefree, and relaxed with me. Last weekend he took me on a four-night trip out of state.

For context: this is my third Christmas without my dad (grief), and my hormones are all over the place (I suspect PMDD) so I am extra sensitive. This is his first Christmas without his ex of 15 years (I know, I know). It was his idea to go on vacation to escape the holiday blues. I took the risk. Great idea in theory, right? In hindsight, it was far too soon, especially bc we were both in emotionally fragile states—we did not know the other’s needs or how to effectively communicate.

On our last day, we hiked to the top of a hill and watched the sunset. At dinner, I asked how he was feeling. He shared that he felt some sadness watching the sunset because the scene reminded him of the engagement photos he took years ago with his ex. Instead of offering support, I immediately went into shock because the engagement was news to me. I went quiet. “Am I damaged goods?” he asked. I also stupidly said I didn’t know they were that serious. Really, I felt his profound sadness. I haven’t mastered STFU, and I need to work on pausing before I speak because I have a hard time articulating my thoughts. I lost sight of my intention which was to be a safe space for him. He was hurt and disappointed in me—and rightfully so. This also triggered more sadness about the ending of his relationship. He shut down. The rest of the night he was quiet. I cried, pressing him to talk about things. It ruined the trip. I messed up.

We have exchanged minimal texts since. He wished me a merry Christmas Eve, shared photos from our last night together, small talk about Christmas. No talk about the situation. I’m overwhelmed with anxiety—the little girl in me is afraid of abandonment and I want to resolve things. What do I do next?

1. Give him time and space. Accept it for what it is and don’t reach out. STFU. Let him initiate a talk.
2. Send him an apology text and give him time. This sub has given me great direction on positioning of my apology. This is what I would say:

“I’m really sorry I reacted that way, it was inconsiderate, hurtful and I’m so sorry for causing you more pain. I was also wrong for pushing you to talk on my timeline. Your feelings and needs matter, and it was unfair that I was preoccupied with mine. I have always admired you for opening up to me, because I see strength in your vulnerability. I know you are a good man, and I want to make you feel good. You didn’t let me down. Thank you for being patient with me while I learn to two-step with you.”

I want to continue seeing him, though this may be it for him. Although the promise of a relationship is not imminent, I want to keep going.

I guess I’m looking for advice or validation on my next steps about this situation.

I have been seeing more and more TikTok videos of princess treatment (men buying their girl flowers, expensive purses, expensive vacation, etc.)

What are RPW thoughts on this?

As I'm getting older and wiser I've learned to question the news, media and pop culture instead of mindlessly consume and believe. More specifically and especially with the whole Diddy ordeal, I anticipated a decline in popularity of celebrities. I thought that since these stars have been exposed and Hollywood's influence is almost gone; that "regular" people would come to their senses about the whole industry and just how desperate their idols were for fame that they would reject it (background on me,I have autism and strong sense of moral and ethical justice). Now, if I see a gossip article or a "fan" post on instagram of one of the newer, big names we've met the last few years, I feel like I can tell it was probably a person on their team who made it, pushing this illusion that Sabrina Carpenter, for example, is really that special and popular (either to distract us, make money, etc), and I see young people gobble it up and go crazy as if we've never seen someone like her before (just a blonde Ariana grande).

Am I crazy?? You know??? Like are we still out here in this never ending cycle of worshipping whoever Hollywood decides is worthy, or is that just what the news is trying to portray?

What is the Red Pill ideology or perspective on these things?

Does anyone have the book called "Getting to <<I do>>" by Patricia Allen in PDF format, please?

I just came back from my husband family Christmas dinner and I’m completly confuse because my husband’s father hit my baby in the face trying to « correct » her because she hits him in the face first 😭

I was so shocked that I just packed our things and go out of there with my baby crying in my arms. It was not a little slap. She had a mark on her face. My daughter’s gonna be ok but I am not. I feel so bad. I don’t know what to think or do. I don’t know how I will be able to sleep tonight.

He tries to tell me that a child can’t hit someone without consequences and I just replied and said : So you too!

My husband thinks that I overreacted and it’s just makes things worst in my head because he thinks like that.

I know in my heart and my bones that no one in this world should touch my baby like this.

Need your toughs 🙏🏼

*p.s. I’m a french canadian so that’s why my english is not perfect

Merry Christmas & Happy Hannukah to those who celebrate. My light and love fill your lives and home.

And to my brothers and sisters in Santa Claus, may the joy and blessings of the season be with you.

I’ve always acted kind of masculine, brash, aggressive, foul mouthed, loud etc. Growing up I had a lot of guy friends which may have influenced this. Recently smo asked me if I was a guy in my past life…

I dress feminine but I don’t act it. How I can speak softer be more considerate and act more feminine overall?

I feel like I attract more soft/feminine men then masculine, but I prefer masculine men/a mix.

Hi everyone, I apologize if this post is low quality, but it seemed like the best place to discuss this with people who will hold me accountable. I had a drunken one night stand about a year ago, shortly after turning 18, and I deeply regret it. It doesn’t represent me or how I value myself or my relationships; it was simply a mistake from being insecure and desperate for male validation. Now, because my friends know I feel like they don’t respect me, and I’m scared nobody will, especially when it comes to dating. Is this something I should keep to myself while entering a relationship, or is it better to be honest? I work hard in school, try to be feminine, and after years of improving my appearance, I'm pretty attractive (sorry not easy to say and not sound annoying). Does my past not make me "high value" to a respectable man? Again, I apologize for this garbage post. I just don't have anyone to talk to, and I'm tired of being anxious about it.

I really need advice and help!!! I’m 19F and I’m joining the military, my hearts been pulling me to the marine corps,

I’ve always been a super feminine girl, going to church every weekend, never engaging in hookup culture, I love to cook, bake, I had passions and hobbies and loved to read..

Recently, I’ve also tried to enter the dating scene to find my forever person, and It’s been really discouraging, I meet these guys some from my tiktok where I have a bit of a larger following, who are my type, and everything I’ve ever wanted and all they want is just one thing, and I’ve slowly been starting to give up and just engage in hookup culture too like most of the girls my age I know.

I haven’t had sex or anything with these guys but I feel like it’s the attention aspect.. The best relationships I have are with guys that court me and put in the effort but most guys dont take me seriously until they sit down and have a conversation with me, and realize that I’m more than just how I look… But Im having trouble even getting that first date..

Is there something I’m doing seriously wrong? Is there any way to fix this before it’s too late? :(

edit: and mods please take this down if it’s not formatted correctly !!!

I keep seeing this sentiment everywhere and I kinda don’t understand what kind of “rich” they are talking about. Are they talking about nepo babies?

I would think a successful doctor or lawyer would marry a school teacher but maybe I’m wrong bc actually don’t see it very often

RPW please help me!!!! Yesterday I was sitting next to my bf of one year and he opened his “App Store” on his phone to download an NFL app. I happened to glance down and I saw the word “Hinge.” I am 80% sure it was being advertised to him, and was not appearing in the “recent search” spot. I.e. I’m 80% sure this wasn’t his fault. He proceeded to nonchalantly download his app while I sat next to him silently freaking out. Finally after 30 seconds in a slight panic I said “why did I see the word Hinge?” He was like “what are you talking about?” He clicked back to the page where he had searched for the NFL app, and the word Hinge was gone. I glanced down for one second but didn’t want to seem paranoid and scoldy so I tried to brush it off and apologize and said it must have been an ad and that I was sorry for sound accusatory. He said “no problem” and we went on with our day.

Should I be worried? Should I bring it up again and seek clarity? What would you do? I’m worried that bringing it up again plants the idea where it may not actually exist. It also harms the relationship by implying that I think he’s capable of something like that, which I always worry could become a self-fulfilling prophecy with any guy.

For context, in a year of dating, he’s admitted to struggling with pornography, and doing everything in his power to fight it, including downloading internet blockers, praying, exercising, and attending 12 step programs. With that said, he has never given me even the slightest whiff of suspicion of cheating on me IRL, and is not a flirtatious person with women.

Should I let this go or bring it up again? My gut says let it go but curious what you guys think.

I’m a 41-year-old woman who might not fit the typical mold of the “red-pill” philosophy, but by many accounts, that’s where I land. I’m smart, independent, and run my own successful practice in a women-focused, emotional-centric field. At the same time, I deeply value traditional dynamics in relationships. I admire strong, masculine men and have worked hard on cultivating my femininity—being non-controlling, respecting my man, and creating an environment where he can lead while I nurture intimacy and depth.

The issue is, I want a child of my own. Badly. My partner of three years—who I’m not married to—already has two children, and while I believe I’m a good stepmom, it’s not enough for me. I want the experience of raising a child from the start.

When we got together, he said he was open to having another child, but about a year into the relationship, he changed his mind. By that point, I was already deeply invested in the relationship and didn’t leave, even though I should have. Now, I’m at a crossroads.

I’ve frozen my eggs and done fertility testing, so I know having a baby is still possible for me. Financially, I’m in a strong position with a multi-six-figure business and the means to pay for childcare and support a child on my own. The problem is, I don’t know how to reconcile this decision with my identity and values.

I know modern feminism has sold many of us a lie about having it all—I’ve been successful, but I don’t feel fulfilled in the ways feminism promised. And while I’m okay leaving this relationship to pursue motherhood on my own, I feel stuck in a cultural mismatch. The single-mom-by-choice (SMBC) community leans heavily liberal, and while I respect others’ choices, I don’t share many of those values. I’m concerned about feeling out of place or judged for being a more conservative woman in a largely progressive space.

Is it possible to stay true to my values and raise a child as a single mother by choice? Am I betraying my red-pill ideals by doing this? I’m ready to leave the relationship and take the leap, but I’m grappling with the fear of being isolated in my beliefs as I navigate this next phase of life.

Would love to hear from anyone—especially other women who’ve navigated similar decisions—on how to reconcile these competing desires and concerns.

I'm in a fairly new group of friends at college (actually hanging out for about 3 weeks, known them/seen them around for a year or so). It's mostly male, and very much a RP, conservative, religious type group.

I have a massive crush on one guy in the group, who kinda took me out for a date-- but as I've been trying to hide that I like him I've mostly been treating all the guys the same. He messaged me non-stop for a couple days and then got really patchy with replies, now nothing-- my last message is unopened.

I've interacted with him in person since sending it and I don't know if he was flirting-- he was glancing at me, and reciprocated small touches, but I don't know what he thinks of me.

Would it be off-putting if I were to make a move? Is that too masculine?

I've been reading up on men and their natural tendencies, especially after recently discovering my boyfriend's secret porn and Instagram accounts. I'm trying to understand male sexuality and how it coexists within a committed relationship.

From what l've learned, it seems men naturally crave sexual variety and are hardwired to be attracted to multiple women, regardless of their love or commitment to their partner. I've come to terms with the idea that a man's fantasies often don't involve his partner and that his sexual urges aren't a reflection of how he feels about me. I know my boyfriend finds me very attractive and loves me deeply, but I also understand that no single woman can fully satisfy a man's need for variety.

That said, I'm struggling with where to draw the line. For example, my boyfriend has an Instagram account where he follows sexy women and saves lewd images. When asked why he doesn't just watch regular porn, he explained that he likes looking at these pictures throughout the day to "get turned on" or because he finds it enjoyable. He told me he watches actual porn when he masturbates, but scrolling through Instagram is something he does more casually.

I'm trying to accept that men are visual creatures and that sexual variety through porn is natural. But I worry about how far this need for novelty can go. What if it escalates? What if it affects what happens between us in the bedroom or desensitizes him to real-life intimacy?

My boyfriend already struggles to orgasm during vaginal or anal sex. He can only finish from a blowjob or by using his hand, which he has conditioned himself to prefer through strong stimulation. He says this isn't a problem because I should appreciate that he "lasts long," but it makes me feel inadequate. I put in a lot of effort to please him, and while I'm happy to finish him off however he needs, I can't help but wish he could orgasm during sex with me. l also feel hurt when he denies being attracted to certain women (saying they're "ugly" without me even asking) but secretly follows their accounts and saves their pictures. I don't know if he's ashamed or just doesn't want me to know, but it feels deceptive. My question is: how can a man balance his natural urge for sexual variety with being satisfied by one woman? If men need variety to stay aroused, how do they continue to be sexually fulfilled in a long-term relationship? Don't they get bored eventually?

I want to give him the freedom to express his sexuality in a way that feels natural for him without imposing limits or making him feel judged. But I'm afraid his porn use and habits will lead to him preferring fantasy over reality-and me.

How do you ladies handle these challenges in your relationships? I would really appreciate some advice.

Hello ladies! I have just joined this group and thought it would be a good place to discuss this, if any of you have any knowledge and wisdom to share.

My husband and I both have fairly traditional values, we met online from overseas during the pandemic and flew across the world to commit ourselves to each other, based on our values, attraction and compatibility.

My husband moved to Australia to be with me, and within the course of a year and a half he has done really well, two months ago he started his own gardening business, and has been working basically seven days a week for the last two months.

I support him through cooking all of his meals and lunches, giving him a massage after a long day of work, he’s pretty spoilt with bedtime tickles basically every night lol.

I work 4 days a week full time hours and help him on the occasion on the weekends with his business. I help him with all of his invoicing etc. I feel like im a pretty good wife and he does comment a lot how grateful he is for me etc. I know he is more burnt out, and from this he’s spending a lot more time on his phone/gaming. I’m starting to get more sensitive and triggered by it, trying to have a conversation with him and he won’t put the phone down or listening to me, or we go on our usual walk in the evening with our dog and he’s watching reels.

I got to the point last night on our walk where I told him to stop showing me reels and he kept doing it so I pushed his phone out of his hand, not a proud moment. Or if I ask him to do something nicely he will create a big fuss. I feel like he sees me as trying to destroy his peace and I just want him to understand how it feels from my end. He’s making me feel irrational and unheard. But then I feel like I’m being selfish because when we have spoken about it, he says by complaining I am making his life more stressful which is not helpful because he already feels burnt out. I want to be the best wife but also want to take my needs into account.

Does anyone have any advice? I know logically that this is a temporary period, I’m sure this will calm down as the seasons change next year, but I said to him, when we have children, we will be faced with tough times again, and I’m worried that he will then resort to using his phone as an escape. He says it will be different with children and one of our values for why we got together was trying to limit these modern day addictions.

I feel like I’m at a point right now where I’m just having to control my emotions when I’m feeling upset and it feels a bit exhausting and unhealthy at times and I feel alone, like he doesn’t understand me. But I’m doing my best to see it from his perspective because I’m sure he feels like I don’t understand him. I just don’t know where to go from here?

Our relationship is good, and we do love each other so much, I just feel like the technology part and me wanting him to put in more effort stands in the way of the connection that I crave with him. So i thought i would ask for advice so I can try nip this in the butt.

This weekend I am going to help him on a full day of his work, as I thought that might be a way I can relieve some pressure from him. Ultimately though I am hoping that it will provide us more connection and time together at home.

Our sex life is also not great. He said he wants to but he just feels exhausted. I don’t want to put pressure on him and understand but I crave it a lot. I think that physical connection is hard for me to not have. FYI he has started taking a supplement which will hopefully support his energy a bit.

How do you do something nice for a man who asks for nothing?

My (F27) boyfriend (M27) is the type to never ask for anything. He will get what he needs, solve my and his family/friends problems, and is happy with his life. So whenever I ask, "Would you like me to xyz for you?" "Will you eat it if I make xyz for dinner?" "I can get xyz for you if you'd like!" The answer is always "No it's alright." "You don't have to make dinner for me." "No, I don't need it."

Sometimes I'd feel at a loss. I want to be a partner to my boyfriend. A co-captain. We are in a LTR and close to engagement. I feel more inclined to do things for my captain, yet he always declines. I started to feel like I was taking advantage of him. He'd do so much for me and never ask for anything in return.

And then I started to do it anyway.

I don't ask if he needs his work clothes cleaned I just do his laundry when I notice his work clothes dwindling. He is always pleasently surprised by his full closet the next morning.

I stopped asking if he'd like such and such for dinner and if he'd be done with work and started saying "This is the dinner menu. This is dinner time." And 99% of the time his answer is "Oh sounds delicious I will be home for dinner in time!"

I stopped asking if he would like a certain thing and just...get it for him. Often times it becomes his new favorite clothing item, gadget, or tool. I know him well, and let's be real, yeah he did want the thing all along.

So how do you do something (anything) for a man that wants for nothing?

Just do whatever that thing is anyway.

The result so far has always been a happy and grateful captain.

BONUS: If you know your person well then you know he will enjoy the things you decide to "do anyway".

Hi guys,

I wanted to get your opinion about this trend going on TikTok - be the “black cat” in the relationship as a female so he can be the “golden retriever” to chase you. The last year or so I tried implementing these strategies in my personal relationship but it honestly backfired for me. Anna Kristina talks about this on TikTok. She basically claims that “selfish” women that focus on themselves more than their man keep their man hooked. For example, if your man goes out, you don’t need to be calling him, asking him how he’s doing, if he ate, etc. Another thing she made a video about was if your man does something you dislike, pull your energy back. I did so many of these “black cat” strategies that literally backfired on me. When I implement Laura Doyle’s empowered wife stuff, I find he comes closer. I’ll give examples.

1. He used to go out with his friends every single night. I just “pulled my energy back” and didn’t say anything. This led to him thinking I don’t care enough for him. When I confronted him about it, he said I go out with my friends because you don’t spend time with me and I’m lonely. I’m like … wait huh. Now that I’ve been calling/texting, he’s barely gone out with them. He wants to come home and hang out with me.

2. She also claims to not be his mother and that it kills his drive for you. Aka cooking, cleaning taking care of everything for him. When I stop doing all of that, my husband gets so mad and thinks I don’t value our home. This just doesn’t work for me at all. I do my best of course, I don’t always keep track of everything that needs to be done but I also realize that it is important to him. He said when he comes home to a clean house he feels relaxed and can unwind. Maybe I’m not getting what Anna Kristina is saying here?

3. She says black cats don’t reach out first. This has really messed up my relationship. When I stopped pursuing my husband, he also started pursuing less. In my husbands case, he likes the attention. He wants to be seen by me. He craves that deep down but hasn’t admitted it. But after going through so many things together, I’ve realized that’s what he actually wants out of our relationship.

She does say some good things like how black cat energy means don’t be clingy or anxious in the relationship, which I do believe in. My husband doesn’t like clingy but he also doesn’t like NO attention either or me being really cold.

What are you guys thoughts? What do you guys think about “black cat” energy?

I’m at a loss. For the longest time I’ve been in toxic, abusive, relationships. I’ve had my fair share of black eyes and DV police calls from neighbors. Now I have a boyfriend (we’ve been together one year as of December 17) and he’s so nice to me. He respects me, pays rent, is kindhearted and doesn’t look at any woman but me. But im so unsatisfied. The sex is good. It didn’t start that way he used to ejaculate prematurely but now he lasts long. I think what I miss may be termed as aggression or dominance. I feel like im providing the masculine energy and leading the relationship. He does what I say, whimpers, whines, and it’s hard for me to respect him. He has very low self esteem and confidence - I NEVER want to contribute to that. He has a dead end job but I believe that with a good attitude you can turn a situation around. He’s weak spirited and soft. I want a man to choke me, tell me what to do, I want to be able to go home after work and turn my brain off because I know my man has shit under control. Instead im deciding what we watch, what we eat, when we go to bed, it’s tiring and draining and it makes me lose attraction fast. Im also sober now (1 year today) so it’s hard not being able to instill passion by drinking or other means and having to rely off of just our own feelings.

Truthfully sometimes I miss the toxic relationships because I knew where I stood. Those guys were solid in their character and I felt protected in public even if they hurt me behind closed doors. Am I wrong for feeling this way? If I break up with my boyfriend will I regret it? Is there even a point of breaking up because the alternative may not be a healthy sort of man? I’m painfully confused and over this whole dating thing and sometimes wish there was just arranged marriage in my culture but I know that’s insensitive.

Hi everyone, Looking for guidance on how to navigate the talking and dating stage… is there a cookie cutter way of how things should be? Are we still expecting the man to plan dates and dictate the pace of the relationship or is it time to express our needs? Also how do we express what we need in this stage of a relationship?

Also if I’m completely off course please kindly redirect me

Thank you !

Hi all. I’m new to this community. I grew up raised by a single mom who really taught me I can do it all on my own. I work in a male dominated field. I’ve been with my partner for 2 years now, and after a very rocky patch we’ve been stuck in I’ve started to self reflect and take accountability. I’ve realized how dominate, masculine, and competitive I am and that isn’t really who I want to be.

At the recommendation of this group I read Laura Doyle’s The Surrendered Wife and it really hit home everything she said. I have severe control issues and have genuinely treated my partner poorly and emasculated him due to this. He is a fantastic provider man who tries very hard to make me happy, and somehow it always isn’t enough for me. So I’m going to start implementing the methods Laura covers in the book, and start deep diving where my control issues come from.

The one area I’m unsure of how to proceed with is step kids. My partner has full custody of a 10 year old daughter and 14 year old son. Both decent kids but lived with addict mom for formative years so some gaps to catch up on. As a man(maybe I’m making excuses for him) he doesn’t notice small details. Like the kids not washing hands before unloading dishwasher, or forgets they already had fast food 4 times this week they can eat something healthier. The personal hygiene is one of the biggest struggles with the kids and is one of the biggest things my partner and I fight about. He is defensive about his kids behavior and I most definitely come on way too strong attacking him. I’m very triggered by his son who doesn’t shower regularly and who’s room stinks sits on the expensive couch using my throws and blankets but then when asked to help clean them, is too incompetent to complete task. My partner wants me to have a relationship with kids but no delusions about me filling a mom role and I do what I’m comfortable with the kids.

So my question is, how as a women do I manage letting the man lead when he’s a single dad who could use some guidance with the kids….? Do I just duct tape even when I feel grossed out by germ issues? Am I allowed to bring up concerns about kids based on Laura’s tools?