Hi y’all,

Looking for affirming Black churches in ATL or surrounding areas. Thanks in advance 💗

We’ve been adding some new flair options, including a custom flair for those of y’all that want to write in your own thing.

If you’ve got suggestions for more community flair, please let us know! These are very basic, so feel free to offer up more…

I’ve been analyzing my last involvement with a woman. I’m usually masc presenting but I would not consider myself a stud ( even though I’m black). My girl at the time was also black.

Occasionally( mainly for special events), I would wear makeup and dress more feminine ( honestly once or twice a year). And the one instance I did a full face of makeup and showed her, and she said I looked like a man and laughed? It hurt my feelings a lot because people don’t think I have a masculine face. For some reason she always did and always insisted that I was a stud even though I didn’t identify as one. I told her it did hurt me and my confidence and she did apologize. She said that she likes to joke and that I’m too sensitive?

Honestly was I being too sensitive or was this actually rude behavior? I do have a hard time joking with people in general, but she said that I’m too sensitive and she can’t joke with me because I take things too seriously.

Idk y’all, was I being too sensitive or was she being rude?

I’m trying to see something 👀

My current reads: Food For Millionaires Good Material

and I’ve been slowly reading Murakami’s 1Q84 and taking time with it.

Hey everyone,

I’m going to an afrobeats party soon, and I wanted to reach out for some outfit ideas? I am a 25 year old masc presenting black women that’s fairly tall (5’10”) and slim.

The invite is against causal wear such as bandanas, sweatshirts, sports attire,etc. I usually wear streetwear or smart casual/ minimalistic. But I just wanted to get ideas from others? It’s going to be pretty cold so I was planing to buy a jacket or sweaterof some sort.

We’re a group of friends in our early 40s looking to relocate to a small city that gives us a sense of belonging, especially as we age. Specifically, we’re searching for a small city with established, intersectional BIPOC queer communities, in a blue state that actively protects trans rights (this rules out blue cities in red states).

We’d also prefer a northern U.S. location, considering long-term climate trends. Big cities like NYC aren’t for us either as many of us are overstimulated by large cities and crowds, resulting in retreat and staying home.

Over the years, we’ve experienced the challenges of finding spaces where we can exist fully as both POC and queer individuals. Too often, queer communities overlook racial equity, and POC spaces don’t always embrace queerness. While we’re committed to contributing to community and intersectional solidarity, we’re at a point in our lives where we’d like to be part of queer BIPOC communities we can find belonging in without constantly spending spoons on calling people in on racism or homophobia.

If you live in a small city that sounds like it might be what we’re looking for, we’d love to hear about it!

This thread is a space for QWOC to discuss politics, share opinions, and ask questions. We know these conversations can be heavy, and some of us need a break from the political noise, so let’s be mindful and respectful of everyone.

Please try to keep more involved political discussions within this thread. We won’t be taking sides but will enforce community guidelines to keep things respectful and on-topic. Let’s approach each other with care, especially when it comes to issues that affect our safety and well-being.

Check through previous comments before posting to avoid repeating questions. Let’s keep it thoughtful and compassionate - this is a space for us all.

If you can't keep it civil, you can't participate in this sub.

Hi! I've seen that a lot of people use these terms on this sub when referring to their traumas. I was wondering what it means exactly and how it can be achieved? I have been reading the book polysecure which helped me realize a lot of my problems in my relationships are due to my traumas, and currently I'm also going through a lot of new traumas and anxiety, and I'm not in a safe place (I'm a refugee with an uncertain future) But I do want to put effort as much as I can to heal, therapy might not be an option right now for me as I wouldn't be able to afford it, but I'm still interested in knowing what kind of therapy helps with that (dbt? Or another method), are there books that can help? (polysecure has already helped me a bit but i need more)

Thanks!

This space is designed y'all to share and reflect on their experiences in white-dominated environments. It's a place to discuss the challenges and complexities of navigating whiteness within our societal structures. The goal is to foster constructive conversation, mutual understanding, and support as we work through these experiences together. Try to keep these discussions contained to this space. We encourage respectful dialogue and ask that such topics be limited here to keep the rest of the sub clear for other types of conversations that focus on qwoc.

The more I think about it, I truly feel in my heart like I am attracted to anyone but men

I've tried being with men before, but it always felt like such a performance

It felt like I was holding onto the internalized transphobia (I'm nonbinary) that I had to be this straight girl instead of who I am

I feel like when I'm with women/nonbinary ppl, I feel the most fulfilled and safe

When I see a lesbian couple in public, my heart swells thinking about my fiance

On the other hand though, I feel like I have to prioritize men's feelings and wants

I feel shameful for being attracted to women

I feel dirty calling myself a lesbian because of the male-gaze connotation

I feel like I'm no better than a man 😭

I'm not a creep though, so I feel like it's internalized lesbophobia

How did you accept it?

How did you embrace it?

It's already so hard to find fellow queer women but the fact that I'd prefer to date another women of colour makes it 10x worst. There are so few of us... and we all have so much trauma too.

What's eveeyone else's experience like ?

Can you date a white woman and still be GENUINELY accepted within the black community or is it a “once you go you’re gone” type vibe? My brother’s opinion is regardless of how pro-black you are once you introduce a white woman into your situation all of that doesn’t even matter anymore. Where as my mother says it doesn’t necessarily have to be an “us vs them” thing if you keep a level head and always remember who I am. What y’all think?

It’s a very confusing situation because I have always considered myself as strong and secure. This woman was not an ally. She couldn’t understand my experience as a woman of color and why the current political climate is scary. I don’t hate her, but I’m now A bit scared, seeing how her circle blocked and removed me from social media, acting like they have to hide from me, like I’m capable of violence.

I got turned off by the performative activism she displayed, like the blue bracelets for strangers, but not giving a shit that the queer woman of color that she loved was struggling with dark thoughts and the feeling of not belonging. In retrospect, there are some red flags I think would have explained the fetish I’m suspecting, like constantly asking if she can touch my hair, at some point, you can stop asking, especially when you’re touching me everywhere else…

I don’t know how to explain it because it’s still fresh, and I’m trying not to be biased, but the fact she’s crying about hurting me scares the shit out of me. Like girl I’m not about to comfort you??

Edit: one very confusing experience is how she always positioned herself as my protector against the mean whites. Girl, I make 4 times more than you, I have a PhD, I speak 5 languages, can we please not see me as a person to protect? Just stand by me when shit gets rough

Update: I want to thank each one of you here for showing up. I wasn’t aware of how little i felt seen and how much of myself I had been erasing in white spaces. Thank you

The 5 languages are Fufulde, a common indigenous language in Cameroon, French because it’s the administrative language, and my family moved to France when I started middle school, Spanish, English, and German

The PhD/focus of my research is on sustainable computing. The design energy-efficient processors and data centers.

I'll start.

I went out on a date with this girl who seemed very cool at first. We went on a date to an art museum and strolled around for a while. My date made it very clear she wasn't interested in the art that I wanted to see and just straight up walked away into another part of the museum. Okay? Later on, we walked over a to a bar and got drinks and the entire time it just seemed like she wasn't into me and was incredibly bored. She was also a little feisty and combative so I'm like...can't wait for this date to end.

So we leave the bar, I walk her to her car and we have this moment like...this was fun (it was not). And we both reach in to say goodbye. I'm going in for a hug and she apparently is going for a kiss and what ends up happening is I put her in a headlock, y'all. Apparently she did like me so we did kiss but she ended up being the sloppiest, wettest kisser ever. We did eventually go on another date but it didn't work out for a number of reasons. But I will never forget putting that woman in a damn headlock on a first date.

Found this search history on my phone a while back 😭

I posted a few weeks ago about this friend arguing with me that because i didn’t want to eat out a girl i wasn’t lesbian. YES, I wasn’t lesbian but that’s not the reason lol.

In the post, I had in the caption of it that im like 95% attracted to women, but there’s a very specific 5% of guys that i still like.

People started arguing about it, and i didn’t know that claiming to be lesbian while silently liking some guys was problematic. (I’m sorry about that)

I got told that i have internalized biphobia, which is probably true, but the label just feels so wrong. A few years ago i used it but that was before i kinda just stopped liking guys as much. I changed it to lesbian because “well, when i think about getting married, kids, etc, i really can’t picture it with a man that often, therefore i’m lesbian” and i just kinda went with it. It felt really good, and there was even this time my science teacher went out of his way to get me a spare little lesbian flag that i still have in my room. It means a lot to me because he was one of my favorite people, but now i don’t know what to do with it.

I’m not lesbian, and wearing the title would be hella disrespectful, but bisexual just feels so wrong. But there’s nothing else to describe what i am. i AM bi, and no matter how little that margin of men i like is, that won’t change anything.

Ig it just hurts because i spent so much time getting into lesbian culture, only to realize it’s not my space at all. Just frustrating i guess because i’m also biracial, and i didn’t want to also have to constantly have an identity crisis about my sexuality when i already do that enough with my race.

I don’t like the fact I like men. I’ve had mostly uncomfortable experiences with them and there’s only a select few that’d i’d feel comfortable with. i just wish that part of me would go away. it feels disgusting almost. Like why would anyone like something that’s actively harmful? Guys have proven time and time again that i can’t trust them and that they’re scary asf— but i’m still bi :/

Anyways yeah that’s pretty much all. Just feeling disappointed with myself. any advice would help lol.

I need a girlfriend I don’t want to embarrass myself woman can be intimidating idk how to tell a straight woman from a lesbian and idk how to make my move lmao help

Every mf I have talked to or dated always comes back and want to have conversation or ask for advice. Girl fuck you and your cry for help cause you left me and I left you alone for good. Read the room and quit bothering me.

I hate dating. Well not dating itself, but I hate how difficult it feels. Being black and queer already sets some significant parameters on your dating life. Neurodivergence adds a completely new layer to it. I’m going on twenty and nobody my age seems to be interested in anything long term (which is completely fair, we’re young). But being neurodivergent, I strongly dislike casual relationships because I feel very deeply for people. I know what I want out of a relationship, but nobody else seems to want the same thing. I have a very intense longing for a romantic relationship, but people not knowing what they want and leading me on just sucks way too much. I know I still have plenty of time, but man what I’d give to have a beautiful black neurodivergent love.

My now ex gf(40) and I(39) started talking last year in November right after my birthday. Everything was good in the beginning. then she started becoming distant and inconsistent. We became official in July.I truly did love her but I felt like I was giving her too many chances. Throughout the whole relationship, she didn't do anything for me. I realized she only wanted me to give her attention and to build her confidence and ego. I also realize she was lying alot because her stories she told didn't make since at all. I think the last straw was when she stood me up for the 3rd time this past weekend. No calls or text at all. It's like she just ghosted me. Before that, She didn't even send me a card for my birthday and then at the last minute wanted me to travel to see her on a buddy pass and just come there for few hours. She knew about this a whole 2 months in advance and kept making excuses. smh! Last time we talked was last Wednesday. Last time I heard from her through text was Friday. I even reached out to her sister yesterday asking if she heard from her. When I called several times it went straight to voicemail, so I stopped calling. seriously I get so tired of running into toxic people. After I reached out to her sister, Hour later I saw she viewed my profile on tik tok. She saw the message i sent her and never replied. Seriously, she's 40 years old and acts childish. The whole time I was constantly telling her the same thing over and over. The relationship felt like a friendship then anything because she would go days without calling or texting.

I told her sister maybe she need some space and I'll let her reach out. I really liked her sister too but even she is in a relationship with a toxic alcoholic person and married her after dating for 6 months. But I don't think I'm going to do that. I believe the only reason she gifted me expensive shoes was to reel me in and to give my trust to her. I decided either I send them back to her or give them away to a kid who actually need shoes. Because at this point, I don't want to have anything she gave me to mind me of her. She showed no effort at all and was always making excuses. She never apologize for anything that happened. I realized she never cared about me. As of today, I decided to do no contact. I will delete her from all social media. I really loved her but it's a shame that she couldn't be honest with me. Again, I feel she's really a narcissist or just toxic. I had actually educate myself on narcissist people. I'm just saying that I feel mad and pissed about the whole situation because I let go on for this long when I should've been let her go. But I'm letting her go this time and I can actually start to heal. I just refuse to go into 2025 unhappy. I know it's going to take me a while to get back out there but I not going to let this bad experience stop me from meeting people. I don't know if i can do a long distance relationship again.

Welcome to the monthly matchmaking thread! This space is for QWOC to connect for dating and friendship. Please follow the guidelines below to ensure a respectful and safe environment:​

• Respect Privacy: Don’t share any personal contact information here (use DMs for that after connecting).
• Safety First: Avoid sharing highly personal details. Meet in public spaces first if you plan to meet in person.
• Use Caution: Trust your instincts when interacting online. Report any concerning behavior to the mods or Reddit.

_

Find Your Match!

Purpose:

💖 Dating | 💛 Friendship | 💚 Both

Distance Preference:

• 🏡 Locals Only – Connections within the same city/region.
• ✈️ Willing to Travel – Open to traveling within the country or nearby states but not internationally. Ideal for someone who's flexible with travel but prefers to keep it domestic.
• 🌍 Open to Long-Distance – Willing to connect regardless of location, including across states or internationally.

Purpose + Distance | Region/City

Pronouns | Orientation | Identity/Presentation etc.

A Bit About You (please don't be shy)

Big 3 (Sun, Rising, Moon) [OPTIONAL]

✅ what you’re looking for:

- Age Range | Identity/Presentation Preferences

- ❌ Dealbreakers

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EXAMPLE POST

💖✈️ | Canada | Late 20s

She/They | Lesbian | Butch

I’m someone who enjoys the balance of quiet moments and meaningful connections. I’m introverted by nature, so I value deep, one-on-one interactions rather than big crowds. While I might not always be the first to speak up in a group, I’m definitely the type of person who listens, remembers details, and enjoys thoughtful conversations. I’m all about quality over quantity when it comes to relationships, and I tend to connect best with people who appreciate sincerity, kindness, and a good sense of humor.

Leo Sun, Virgo Rising, Pisces Moon

✅

23-30 | No real preference | Casual dating

❌

• If you're still emotionally attached or haven’t fully moved on from a previous relationship, that’s a dealbreaker for me. I’m looking for someone who is fully available and ready to build something new.
• If you're struggling with substance abuse related to drugs/alcohol

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Thank you for joining our monthly matchmaking thread! We hope you find meaningful connections. Remember to stay respectful, communicate openly, and prioritize safety, especially when meeting in person.

If you make a connection, feel free to update your post with an edit to let others know you're no longer looking for matches. If things don’t work out, no worries - take your time and keep looking for someone who aligns with you!

Thanks for helping keep this space welcoming and inclusive for all queer women of color. Happy connecting!

Tell me how you're spending your day!

I recently attended a virtual event with Little Gay Book & while I can say it was a better experience as compared to using the apps, I was the only woman of color in attendance.

I’ve been unable to find a platform that caters to queer women of color and thus would appreciate if people would share any they were aware of.

Thanks in advance!

Ladies and theydies, pls tell me if you have felt this way at some point. I need a big sister/sibling, auntie, mother, etc. Also send me a hug. Slight TW in advance: bullying, incredibly dark thoughts

I'm 25 and feel like I relate to no one. Btw I am in Boston, which also may have something to do with it. I'm here stuck in kid-mode, playing catch-up because I've been in therapy half my life.

I barely made it thru high school since I dealt with serious bullying there and at home; I was like a therapist to her, yet she tore me down and let her much older son tear me down, with no punishment on his part. Not to mention she invited some folks I specifically asked her not to attend to my HS graduation. I wanted to end it all for years and almost did. Hell on Earth.

Still feels like I'm 15 at 25 except everyone has nice jobs and a career, a loving spouse, and actual friends. Kids as well. I also noticed that many women (in hetero relationships) tend to center their bfs and husbands and make everything about them. Or their kids. I feel so left out and no one seems to get it. I don't wanna feel like this, but social media is amplifying all the aforementioned. The festivities are nearing, it's dark and cold and I hate it here.

Hey Y’all,

Many of you have expressed interest in a matchmaking thread in the sub, and we want to hear your thoughts!

We’re curious to know if this is something our community would enjoy and how to format it in a way that would make it fun and make sense for everyone.

If you’re excited about the idea (or even if you have concerns), leave a comment below! Share your ideas, input, etc and please add to the poll so we can get a rough idea of how many of y’all are actually interested and want to participate.

We know people come from all walks of life, areas, countries, so planning and logistics matter.

View Poll

i hate these responses to someone coming out. i get that some people who say it aren’t trying to be patronizing but istg it really rubs me the wrong way. it’s so tasteless; it takes profound strength to come out in a world that actively hates and kills queer people. many of us suffer quietly, fearing those we love will hate us for virtue of being ourselves. so when i see people gloat they always knew someone was lgbt, it really seems to come from a place of self righteousness. especially as some people don’t even know they’re queer, and it can require a series of processes to really unlearn internalized homophobia and come to an understanding with yourself and your sexuality. besides, if you knew someone close to you in your life was queer, were you being an ally to them all this time? were you ensuring you were a safe space they could come to and share their fears and worries without being judged? or were you making casually homophobic comments that they had to swallow and try not to think too hard about? as a woman who is queer and open with a small group of friends, but appears straight to much of the others in my life, i’ve had to hear casual homophobic shit from so-called allies my entire life. and i call it out but it’s so exhausting. i know if i come out to them, they’ll probably say oh i always knew, there were signs, etc etc. but if you knew, why say those things? why hurt me in that way? it’s just exhausting. gloating about your gaydar like that when someone comes out can lack tact and kindness imo 🤨