"You never do realize how much something has deeply affected you until you step away and look back. I was 21 when I moved out of home to a new city to do my master’s degree, and I spent a lot of time reflecting my childhood and how relieved and lucky I felt to be past that phase of my life. I looked into getting a therapist to talk about it with, but as a student I couldn’t afford it, so instead I channeled all that energy into something that was free: writing. I mapped out possible explanations of my childhood experiences and analyzed everything until I was finally able to start making some peace for myself.

But my parents’ relationship made me deeply insecure. I was insecure about so many aspects of my life. Insecure about the way I looked, insecure about my future prospects, and mostly insecure in my romantic⁠ relationships.

I dated a lot of boys more than my peers when I was a teenager because I didn’t get any validation at home, and I needed to take my mind off things. My only experience of romantic relationships growing up were those of my parents and grandparents, another deeply fragile relationship.

This history and its impacts were reflected in the way I behaved towards my boyfriends at the time. I never normalized violence or thought it was acceptable, but I had definitely picked up my father’s lack of positive feeling and support for his partner⁠. I was distrustful, immature, and most of all, I lacked empathy – something that really wasn’t embodied at home. My lack of emotional intelligence and my inability to express my feelings came from an atmosphere of having to hide in fear that anything you say will be taken out of context and result in your mother taking a beating for not raising you right. This trickled through and made me the kind of person that runs away from problems rather than confront them head on. I picked up on manipulation as well, but soon enough discovered that was not me."

from Tani S in Growing Healthy Relationships After Growing Up With Violence over at Scarleteen.com

To read all of Tani S's piece about growing up witnessing the abusive relationship of their parents, the impacts it had on them, and getting to a place where they could have a healthy relationship of their own, click here: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/growing-healthy-relationships-after-growing-violence

I am a 21y/o trans masc, been on T for 3.5 years, had top surgery and now generally feel very good about my body. When I started T, I had an insane sex drive and masturbated at least 2 times per day. It decreased a little over time, but I usually "had" to orgasm once a day. Two years ago, I met my partner (24 nonbinary). In the beginning we had a lot of sex (like 1-2 times a day) which I enjoyed a lot.

After a few months, I had a hard time at work (was bullied and exploited) and from then my interest in sex decreased steadily. As I developed a makor depressive episode, I also went on Citalopram (SSRI) and then later switched to Duloxetin (SNRI). Both made my sex drive even lower. So, yeah, there are some "easy" explanations.

But I feel like from the beginning, my sexual attraction kinda worked different then for other people. I never really had the experience of thinking "oh they are hot, I'd like to have sex with them", I never had a "type" and I also identify as pansexual. I do not feel visually attracted by genitals, boobs or asses or other bidy parts although I like feeling and touching them. I'm aware some people who identify as greysexual feel that way, but I oftentimes heard that they don't like porn. I do though. But it's not directly the stuff I see that turns me on but more the fantasy of being one of the persons in there.

I also developed a special theoretical interest in sex, I like researching stuff and talking with others about their sexual experiences. I'm also a nurse, so it also interferes with an interest in how bodies work in general.

Now to the important part (sorry I usually tell a lot of backstory): I had some talks with my partner because they feel like I'm not physically attracted to them. I oftentimes do not feel like having sex with them or even making out. On the other hand I get turned on by spontaneous sex with people I don't know that well. I also do sex work from time to time and never have trouble getting wet or initiating sex with people, although my clients are a lot older than me and oftentimes not considered very attractive. Physically, having sex is never a problem (I get wet very easily and almost never experience any discomfort) and I also enjoy pleasuring other people but more because I'm generally a caring person. But I'm also kinda bored of habing sex with the same person for more then 2 years? I feel like having sex with them maybe 1-2 times a month.

Another thing is that I use masturbating as a way to cope with trouble falling asleep almost daily. I'm also pretty difficult to pleasure, I never orgasmed due to someone penetrating me, eat my pussy out or jerk me off(only with vibrators).

I'm very confused by my sexual ambiguity. Has anyone made similar experiences in any way?

If you’ve been around any queer⁠, feminist, or politically engaged communities lately, you’ve likely heard people talking about Project 2025, often in a tone usually reserved for asteroids heading for earth, wildfires, and other disastrous scenarios, and for good reason. What the heck is Project 2025? Why should you care? Is there anything that can be done to stop it (hint: there is)? This new guide from Sam Wall is here to help you understand some of what the project is and some of what’s at stake.

Project 2025 is a step-by-step plan that outlines exactly how the United States political system can be taken over, gutted and repurposed to reshape society in the most extreme and violent ways. Unlike offensive tweets or hateful campaign speeches, it isn't just opinion or rhetoric, it's something far more dangerous: a clear and detailed plan, backed by rich and powerful groups. The ACLU summed Project 2025 up as “a federal policy agenda and blueprint for a radical restructuring of the executive branch authored and published by former Trump administration officials in partnership with The Heritage Foundation, a longstanding conservative think tank that opposes abortion⁠ and reproductive rights⁠, LGBTQ⁠ rights, immigrants’ rights, and racial equity. Project 2025’s largest publication, “Mandate For Leadership,” is a 900-page manual for reorganizing the entire federal government agency by agency to serve a conservative agenda.” The project is a blueprint that will most certainly be used if Trump wins the election in November, no matter how much the Trump campaign currently claims to be completely ignorant of it.

“Mandate for Leadership” is 900+ pages of the most nightmarish policy imaginable if you’re queer, trans, a woman, a person of color, a young person, and/or someone who cares even the tiniest bit about living in a democracy.

To find out some of what's in this dystopian nightmare of a plan and what you can do about it, head over to the piece on Scarleteen here: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/whats-project-2025-and-why-it-so-freaking-terrifying

\"Hazardous Waste Storage Area\" - the only fit place for Project 2025.

So I (ftm) have been dating my girlfriend (cis) for about a year now and recently we've been getting more sexually intimate. This is my first real relationship both romantically and sexually. We're normally really comfortable with each other but Ive noticed that whenever it gets sexual I'm very scared to do something wrong or embarrassed I guess. I want to change but I don't know how to. I think this may be because I never got a proper sexual education (at home at least) and that it had always been taught to me that it's a very weird and uncomfortable to talk about. I am not uncomfortable when I think about or do anything sexual to myself but with my girlfriend I am extremely embarrassed even tho I want her to feel good too. Any help or advice would be so appreciated please 🫶

So right off the bat, me and my boyfriend who is trans have been wanting to have sex for a while now and I need to be 100% sure that it will be safe. His parents are very Christian and worried so if something goes wrong his life is basically ruined, but we've both agreed that we really want to have sex. the reason I've come to this subreddit is because I do have a condom but I'm stressing over whether it will be effective enough. I found this condom in a dark, cool, dry, and long untouched place in my house and after heavy inspection, it's clear the package is in no way even close to being unsealed or broken. The first thing I did was check the expiration date but it says that it expires on the 31st of this month which is my biggest concern. The front of the condom says "LifeStyles: assorted colors" and after some research I found an article saying that they were some of the most effective condoms but I don't know how reliable that is. Not to get too graphic, but I also did check with another identical condom I found in the same place, and it seemed to fit on me pretty well but it was a bit snug, which I don't know if that's how it's meant to feel. Would someone who knows more about condoms please tell me if I can trust this one? It's really really important that this doesn't fail and I don't think I can trust the internet alone at this point. Thank you so much in advance

A victorian bouquet with the title of this piece and the Scarleteen logo

"Recent studies have shown sexual choking (also known as: breath play, strangulation or erotic⁠ asphyxiation) has become more popular recently, especially among young adults⁠. A recent study in Australia found that out⁠ of 4702 individuals 18–35 years old, a total of 57% reported being sexually strangled. Another study done in 2021 of 4254 randomly sampled American students, at both the undergraduate and graduate levels, found that among those with any partnered sexual experience, 43.0% had choked a partner, 47.3% had been choked, that the mean age of first choking/being choked was about 19, and that more undergraduates than graduate students reported first choking/being choked in adolescence. That study also found that women, transgender⁠ and other gender⁠-expansive participants were significantly more likely to have been choked than cisgender⁠ men."

"A normalization of sexual choking has been growing, where choking is viewed more positively and as risky but – falsely – as somewhat safe. Please understand the problem with choking isn’t a moral one: an interest in or being turned on by the idea or act of consensual breath play isn’t something for anyone to be ashamed about, it’s just that actually doing it can be very dangerous."

"It’s apparent choking is a fairly common sexual practice, that people of all ages can and will engage in it, and that everyone could benefit from information about it that is more balanced and relevant than what’s currently available."

from Breathe: Risks, Realities, and Safer Alternatives to Choking and Breath Play by Heather Corinna & Giselle Woodley

Perhaps a partner⁠ has brought up choking with you as something they want to try, or maybe you're interested in choking and want to know more. Perhaps you’ve heard about sexual choking and just want to know what the deal is with it. There's a lot to unpack. Scarleteen founder Heather Corinna and co-author, researcher Giselle Woodley are going to share some of the science, including some very real dangers, and offer some guidance, to help anyone make informed decisions in this arena to ensure safer, healthy, consensual and mutually-enjoyable experiences alone, or between themselves and any partners.

Hi, thanks for reading.

Some context: My partner and I are both nonbinary afab people. We’re both queer. They have a religious background, and are not out to their parents about me, who live in the same city as us. My family is welcoming of us, but live states away.

We met on Instagram and sexted for half a year before flying to meet up with each other, where we realized our feelings for each other and have been together since. We were long distance for about two years. I moved across country and moved in with them about a year and a half ago.

Since moving in together, I was hoping we would get more opportunities to have sex, because our bottleneck before was that I was 3000 miles away. But that hasn’t been the case (for good reason)— they found out about a month or two after I moved in that they had thyroid cancer. As of May this year, they finished their treatment and are now cancer free.

It was strange though, when I first arrived. They had been almost hyper sexual before, and it was the opposite. Cancer does explain that, especially thyroid.

It’s been about 6 months since they wrapped up treatment, and our sex lives haven’t changed. I’ve even asked if they think they might be asexual, or demisexual, and they replied that they don’t, they just think it ebbs and flows. We might have sex once every 2 months, when they initiate. I stopped initiating because time has told that unless they initiate, they usually aren’t enthusiastic (sometimes they are, but mostly not). I don’t want to do anything if the person I’m having sex with is not enthusiastic— that feels coercive, even if they are saying yes.

Last night I came home and they wanted to have sex. I had a long eventful day at work, and had just gotten home. I was excited they wanted to have sex and was surprised, but I needed to get myself into the mood. I told them I need some time to decompress from work and then I would love to. I guess I took too long (30 mins), because when I was ready they said they were too tired now and hit a wall. I felt rejected and disappointed and sad. I woke up still upset about it.

I think being a secret from their parents makes me feel rejected or like I’m getting mixed messages. They want to tell their parents, but decide to do it on the one holiday or birthday meal they are going to see their folks. Their brother is getting married and I’m having to just figure out how to act when they are all excited about it, and their friends are too, but it’s a sore spot for me.

Any advice? I’m not trying to make them have more sex, but I’m confused about why our sex life was so different in years past. I don’t want to make things more tense or keep a cycle going by having a negative reaction to rejection, but it just sucks. We had an open relationship when we were LDR, but in practice, we didn’t utilize it aside from sexting folks. I have been thinking of asking if I could have permission to have sex with folks, hookup with someone regularly (FWB style), but I don’t want to make things worse.

Really, I’d rather have sex with them but I feel sad we don’t have sex, & sad that I have to cope with being a secret to their family and also living near their family.

It would feel different to me if we lived far away from their family. When I moved to be closer to them, we had an understanding that I would want to move somewhere new in about 2 years and did not want to settle down here for good. The cancer very understandably changed that, but now they want to go to law school and hope to get into a school in their hometown where we live, which is a 5 year commitment.

Any advice & fresh perspectives are very much appreciated.

I don’t know if it’s emotional unavailability, discomfort with commitment, baggage, just regular evolutions in a persons sexual appetite such as from cancer, guilt/their own feelings about having felt they need to keep me a secret in order to keep their family, or what. I love them so much and we have really supportive and kind relationship. We talk a lot about growing old together, maybe having kids someday, our life together, etc. I just feel like I’m missing out on some needs/wants of mine, and maybe compromised too much on my end to be here, and that what we talk about is only ever going to be a fantasy. I guess having a sex life too would sweeten the deal.

💖 thank you for reading all this!

I rubbed the tip of my penis (unprotected) over my girlfriend's panties. Before that, I had ejaculated 10 minutes ago. Could this cause pregnancy because of the sperm residue?

I (genderqueer, 19) am home for the weekend from college to visit my family. My brother (M, 16) just got his first girlfriend (F, 16) and our mom is freaking out a little because she suspects they’re going to have sex. She had a conversation with my brother in which he expressed interest in it and refuted her when she said that she thinks 16 is a little young to be sexually active (“why is 16 too young?”)

I don’t think trying to scare them out of it or promoting abstinence is the right choice, but I would like to make sure they’re safe if it does happen. I’d like to make sure my brother knows where to get protection (condoms, etc.)… it’s just that he’s not really the type to go seek it out himself. I know that he knows the risks that may come with being sexually active, as does his girlfriend, but they are also 16 and I don’t 100% trust them to think things all the way through!

How do I and/or our mom have this conversation with him? Should we give him condoms/leave some in the house somewhere? Mom feels like that would only encourage him to have sex, but I think it would be a good way to promote safety. I don’t want to force him to talk about it if he’s not comfortable, but I do want him to know where to find resources. Help!

I’m a minor, my girlfriend is too, and I’m not sure when it’s appropriate to actually fully have sex, especially with wlw it’s definitely more.. hands on… so I’m not sure if that means we should wait longer? And I also don’t really know how to bring this up to my parents, not that I want to. I know about safe sex and staying clean and uti’s, and obviously there’s no pregnancy risk, but a part of me is scared I’m still to young, but I also feel ready, so I’m not sure what to do.

My partner told me they haver never had sex with a girl before until they met me. It’s no big deal for me with that news and I believe people can learn overtime. There is no problem with me giving to my partner, I want to create a comfortable space for them so nothing too much happen yet. However, when it comes to them giving me, they kinda know what to do but it’s hard for me to feel like okay i can come. It’s cute how they tried and asked me if everything is okay, I love them for that. It’s hard for me to get orgasm in general, I don’t blame them at all. It seems like they feels disappointed in themselves for the lack of experience. Of course I missed that steamy wild sex experience I had in the past but it doesn’t mean I love my partner any less. How can I support my partner on this journey where we’re both trying to build that compatibility in sex?

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so i touched myself after i had touched my bfs month old dirty semen soaked boxers and ever since last night i’ve had the paranoing feeling i’m pregnant.

am i? is it possible? if not then why do i keep feeling like i am?

If someone were to perform unprotected oral sex on a penis owner and they orgasmed, then the person performed oral sex on a vagina owner, what are the chances the vagina owner could get pregnant, if any?

First time my partner spend the night with someone else

Conext: I'm a 17M and my partner is 18M , we've been together for 6 months in an open relationship because he is polyamorous, it's not only my first open relationship but also my first relationship so I'm learning a bunch of things.

Yesterday night my bf told me he was going to spend today's night at his other "man? " house, they're not hanging out but share romantic and sensual attraction, I don't know which is the exact term. Well, he told me that they're going to fuck and that and everything is okey for me but today every moment I think about it a bad feeling in the guts invades me and I feel gross, I don't know if I'm jealous, I don't know if it's normal the first times...

I met the guy it's super kind, we are kind of friends and we can even met without my bf, maybe a bit old 32M, but seems like a good guy. The thing is I don't know if it's normal and in addition to the bad feeling I feel but about myself with the possibility it is because I'm jealous because I thought I would be good enough for my boyfriend to handle them.

Im very confused, srry if I don't make a clear point english is not my first language and I don't know if I look likes I'm venting or looking for advice

Since our last update on Monday only $202 has been donated, and only 1 person has signed up to be a recurring donor. This leaves us $12300 short for the rest of 2024 and $55K short per year from 2025 onwards unless way more people pitch in!

If we can’t raise the funds we need to, we will expect job losses, service cutbacks, loads of unpaid overtime for some of our director team, fundraising hell, reduced/no stipends for our amazing volunteers, reduced budget to pay our fantastic writers, and lots of staff & volunteer burn-out!

Please help us close this funding gap so that we can go back to providing our world-leading information & support across all our articles, advice columns, message boards and text/sms & chat services - all with some semblance of humane working conditions!!

You can donate by going to Scarleteen.com/contribute or clicking “Pitch In” in our website navigation. You can also help by sharing that link with anyone who you think might support what we do.

Making your own post with your own words is also likely to do much better than just sharing ours on most platforms not least because we regularly get shadow-banned on social media!

We are not where we need to be!

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If you support the groundbreaking, inclusive, affirming, feminist, comprehensive, young-people-centered, queer SRE for all we've provided for 25+ years to over 90 million people, please help us raise the $15k we need to pay our bills in 2024, or become one of 250 new donors we need for 2025!

You can do that at Scarleteen.com/contribute or by heading to our site and clicking ‘Pitch-In ’.

If you’re already donating (thank you!) please consider increasing your monthly amount, if you can, even a little bit. We’ll count any increases we get towards our two goals! You can do that by clicking 'Manage Your Donation' in your latest donation receipt.

If you can’t donate yourself, can you tell your friends, family and followers who we are, why you value our work and ask them if they’d be willing to donate? You can share this post and the link above, but using your own words is the most effective!

Despite leading the way in SRE online from the 1990s on, and always making sure young people have access to good information even when it is suppressed elsewhere in their lives, we remain underfunded, including funding to pay our staff a fair, living wage.

We need to meet this $15K goal to fund our most basic needs and our tightest budget. If you can help us do that, we can focus on providing awesome SRE, growing, improving and kicking-ass, and finding more #funding for 2025.

Thank you! ❤️

-- The Scarleteam

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It’s been a while since we looked at what it’s like to start #dating #guys when you’re a #bisexual guy, and there’s still lots to cover.

In his second installment on this theme, Adam England covers:

• How some guys might not want to date bisexual guys, or may otherwise invalidate your identity

• The challenge of finding men to date in the first place

• Considering your safety differently

• Keeping your sexual health in mind

• Bringing your date into the rest of your life

• Dealing with new relationship energy and the honeymoon phase

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Andy says, "You might be surprised to learn how many of the conversations we have with our users at Scarleteen are about friendships. This is because friendships are vital and often the most important relationships in our lives, which is also why I love this personal story from Alice Draper in 'Learning How to Love Through Friendships' all about this very topic."

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New today from Lisa Laman!

I had sex with my bf everytime we see each other and I always felt so anxious after having it. And then one day my bf felt anxious too because he said that I was overthinking things. So I took an emergency pill just in case because its my ovulation week, but he didn’t ejaculate inside me. And then the day after I took a pill, we had unprotected sex again and he still didn’t ejaculate inside me. Will I still get pregnant if I already took a pill and he didn’t cum inside me?

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There is no blueprint for the ideal way to date or do relationships. (There is also no ideal way to do relationships in the first place, so that figures.) That makes it unfair to judge ourselves based on a grading scale that has no real reason for being graded. A majority of classes you take in school are not even on a pass/fail scale. Most are on a continuum so that you still get credit for doing work that is good enough. Yet, many of us use this rigid binary⁠ standard to judge ourselves, as though it were possible to actually fail at dating.

To find out what psychologist Kelly Justice has learned that helps people reframe this kind of negative mindset so you can do it for yourself, check out this helpful new piece!

Hi everyone! I’m a transman looking to buy my first binder, and I’m looking for recommendations. I’m looking for one that is cost-friendly, comfortable, and long-lasting. I’m 5’5” and weigh about 200 pounds, with a larger chest and stomach

Me and my gf of almost 2 years haven’t had sex in 3 months. I had zero interest in sex until recently because of a severe depressive episode, but I’ve been slowly starting to recover and get my sex drive back. Our relationship is really good. We spend a lot of time together, go on dates, and cuddle a lot. I’m still anxious about having sex again though. I don’t know how to get comfortable with it. We planned to have sex last week but I got overwhelmed and we just cuddled instead. She’s never pressured me. We’re both pretty inexperienced since we’re each other’s first partners and we’ve probably had sex less than 10 times over the past couple years. I feel like I don’t have anyone in my real life to talk about this with.

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Nurse, author and comic Kelli Dunham, answers a new advice ask today at Scarleteen!

not sure if this is the right sub to ask, if not, please let me know and i'll take down my post! thank you :)

me (21 afab ftm) and my partner (20 amab nb) have been together for almost 4 years. my partner is on the asexual spectrum. they’re pretty eh about sex, they say they could go the rest of their life without it. sex wasn’t really a problem for us for the first year of our relationship, mainly because i was always giving and i didn’t ask to receive, or when i did it wasn’t often and it wasn’t for very long. i would give them manual or oral sex pretty much every time i saw them, which was usually at least 3 times a week, and sometimes i would do it up to 3 times throughout the day. they initiated it probably 90% of the time. after that first year, when i did want to be touched, things became a bit of an issue. when we do have sex, it is me doing all the work with the goal of making them orgasm. when they orgasm, we are done. the only physical contact i get during sex is them holding me and the internal stimulation from PiV. sometimes they will touch me, but they have never made me orgasm. they told me before that they have an aversion to genitals so i think that comes into it, but they can’t even touch me over my underwear and the times they’ve used a vibrator on me and didn’t touch my actual skin, they still couldn’t do it for long. they have untreated ADHD and they say they get bored and tired. they say they want to want to touch me, but they just can’t. they say it’s like a mental block. i get touched for less than a minute maybe once every 1/2 months and we typically have sex maybe once a week or every other week. foreplay only lasts a few minutes, and it’s more often than not me doing something to them, with the rare occurrence of them touching me a little. actual intercourse itself has never lasted over 5 minutes. they also say that my female genitals are intimidating and much more difficult to work with than their male genitals. we have never had sex with anyone other than each other. and yes, they are attracted to me, and when we have sex they’re the one who initiates it

was hoping someone somewhere had a little insight into what we might be able to do, mainly because they say they want to be able to do things for me and they’re not really sure what's stopping them. if there’s any questions or anything you need clarification on, i’m more than happy to answer. tried to keep this semi short so hopefully i would get more responses because i’m really at a loss and would appreciate any advice. also they know i’m posting this if that matters !