I posted a while back about our infertility struggles and procedures/expenses with zero luck, and then the surprise of not only finding out she was pregnant a month after deciding to “take a break,” but it being spontaneous twins.. sure wish we could get some of that injections/IUI money back! Oh well.

Our due date was March 10th, but the girls decided that simply wouldn’t do. The morning following emergency OB visit #3 in as many weeks, Saturday November 30th my wife had an emergency C-section and we are now the proud (but also terrified) parents of micro-preemies born at just 25 weeks and 5 days. They have a long, long journey ahead of them… us too.

We’re fortunate enough to have a hospital with an adjoining NICU less than 20 minutes from our house, and we’re already trying to adjust to our new daily routine of visiting them. She was discharged from the hospital today, and returning home missing half of our newly-expanded family has hit hard as you’d imagine. We’re so thankful for amazing doctors and NICU staff that have been so kind and helpful thus far.

Guess you’ll find me over at r/daddit r/parentsofmultiples r/NICUparents etc a little more often going forward.

I have a lot of good things going on in my life right now, I'm married with my first kid on the way, I have a good job. I really have no reason to be upset.

However, right now I am spiraling.

I'm not sleeping. I'm barely eating and I'm grasping for anything I can control because so many things in my life are out of my control right now. Not saying necessarily those things are bad but there are things that are out of my control.

I've always been the type of person to want to know what's happening next to know what the next move is going to be and understand what I need to do. And right now I feel like I don't have any of that and it's honestly causing me to have a little bit of a mental break.

I'm trying to find small things that I have control over but even though was our getting difficult.

Can I control what I eat for dinner? No. Because my wife is having food aversion due to her pregnancy which I get. Can I control what I do in my free time after work? No, because of household responsibilities and family commitments. I spend most of my days at home trying to make sure things are super easy and comfortable for my wife.

And frankly, it's causing adverse physical effects on me, such as constant heartburn, grinding my teeth in my sleep and barely sleeping as is

I know that as soon as that baby comes I lose all sense of control because my life is no longer about me and I am so happy and willing to make that change an adjustment but right now

I just need to find one thing I can control in my life. That's it.

Any tips or walkthroughs or specific things to do once baby is here? I feel like I have labor and delivery down but now I’m in my head about “how do I hold him? When should I change him?”, etc.

I know there’s a lot of “you’ll just know when the time comes”, but I could use some reassurance for sure.

Apologies if this doesn't make sense. A lot to process right now.

My wife (35F) is generally speaking, a less happy person than I (29M) am. She has a harder time relaxing, and works a harder job than me, and generally has more stressors in her life than I do. That's not to say she's depressed or miserable, but I feel like she is often moodier than I am. I love my wife more than anything in the whole world and I am so worried about pregnancy and parenthood compounding these problems for her. Since I have an easier job, my plan is to give 100% effort on all parenting duties, and step forward to do just over half of the parenting duties.

Is this a good idea? Perhaps I am overthinking it, but I worry that stepping in to be the semi-primary caregiver and emotional support puppy could introduce some co-dependency into the relationship. If I am constantly worrying about her mood and prioritizing it over mine. This is currently not our relationship dynamic, but is this a normal and healthy dynamic for early parents in our situation?

We just found out she's pregnant so there are a million conversations yet to be had.

2am and finally got admitted. I am so excited (not just because of the couch) to meet our first child.

This sub has been a tremendous help and I am so thankful for all the sharing and support.

See you on the other side.

Wife and I went in because her blood pressure was high at 39 weeks 2 days. She ended up getting induced, laboring for 21 hours, then having an emergency C section when they briefly lost the baby’s heartbeat. Mom and baby are doing great though and we got home from the hospital last night.

I want to shout out the nurses and doctors that took care of her. Even in the middle of all the insanity they took the time to be friendly, give clear explanations about what was happening and our options, and even made a great effort to keep me in the loop and helpful. Also if you are at all on the fence about having a doula, get one. Ours was a saint and I don’t think it would have gone as relatively smoothly as it didn’t hour her.

My wife F20 has been in pre labor for the past 50 hrs her water broke 18 hrs ago. Shes very tired and has barely had any sleep. I don’t know what to do to help her… I’ve comforted her and been there through most contractions holding her hand. She finally gave the ok for pitocin, but I worry she’s too tired. She wants to have an all natural birth to the best of her ability and I’ll support her through any choice she makes but it’s killing me inside to see her in so much pain, she looks weak and tired. I wasn’t prepared for this, I don’t want to lose my wife or anything bad to happen to her. I don’t think I really need suggestions but mostly to vent. She the most beautiful, amazing, kind and strong woman I have ever met. She’s always been there for me and I want to return the favor, but I feel helpless…

I’m going to keep sitting by her, hopefully things turn for the best.

Edit I’m M22 and it’s our first ever pregnancy

Upd: I doubt anyone is going to look at this, everything ended very well. Baby was born yesterday at 9:06 pm weighing 7lbs 6 oz, Beautiful baby girl. Wife is now recovering and feeling better by the hour.

Glad to finally be in the group! My wife just told me tonight an hour after she found out. I can’t be more excited for the weeks and months ahead!

Now for the difficult part, keeping it from our parents until we’re further along. Based on my wife’s cycle we’re only 3 weeks along, which is too early to tell anyone for us. With the holidays, we’ll be spending a lot of time together and we’re trying to think of excuses for not drinking when we’ll be together for a couple long weekends day and night. Typically we’ll have a cocktail or glass of wine with dinner, do we just tell them we’re getting more serious about trying? They’ll think it’s odd my wife doesn’t have a drink at some point. Any advice?

Wife is almost eight weeks pregnant with our first, beyond stoked when we found out. However, for the last week it’s been beyond miserable for her. Like can’t get out of bed, just wants to sleep, is nauseous all the time, can’t keep food down, etc etc. not just the usual morning sickness. I feel pretty helpless here, I go and get her whatever she wants, clean up around the house, but I just feel useless. I’m also just worried about her and the baby and there’s nothing I can do. I know they say it gets better around second trimester, but another five weeks of this sounds beyond awful. Anyone with any prior experience with this with any tips or really anything would be super appreciated

Hey, All,

My wife and I (both early 30s) just found out she’s pregnant. We always talked about having a family, but we planned on waiting a little longer. We were literally in the middle of outlining an international trip and planned on trying after that.

Now things have changed and the plan has become a reality. I was initially happy but now I’m kind of going back and forth between happiness and fear.

1.) I’m scared of losing out on social opportunities. Let me be clear, I know it will change and I’m okay with that. I don’t expect to go out to the bar 5 nights per week. That’s not it. But I just feel like something like grabbing a beer with my friends is out of the question. I also fear being “that guy” that brings his kid to a social gathering.

2.) I love mountain biking, and I’m really wondering if I’ll be able to carve out any time for that.

3.) Fitness is a huge part of my routine and mental well being. And when I was at the gym this morning I had a thought like “oh god, will I be too tired to do this once I have a baby?”

Strangely enough, I’m not worried about raising a child. But I’m more afraid of losing my sense of self in the process.

I know this could be seen as selfish or unrealistic to want to “be me” while being a dad but I actually want to show my child that A.) their dad is a complete human with goals and aspirations and B.) I feel like I’ll be the best parent if I’m mentally in a good place and those little escapes help that.

Every dad I’ve spoken to has said that doesn’t happen but I’m looking for more voices.

I appreciate any input.

If all goes to plan. I should be graduating tomorrow. Cheers boys

With the holiday season upon us, I’m looking for gift ideas for my wife. Anyone have suggestions that would be meaningful for their pregnant wife or partner? Anyone recommendations would be greatly appreciated!

Hi all,

I’ll be 38 years old when we have our first child. I’m worried about not being as active or able to endure as much as I could say 10 years ago. Anyone else felt the need to prepare physically for a newborn or am I just overthinking this?

Hello everyone, my wife and I are both 27 and we haven't really been trying over the past couple of months but "pulled the goalie" knowing it was possible. For some context, my wife has PCOS, so we thought it was going to take us a while to have kids. Well, this morning she woke me up with a faint line. I immediately got in the car and got 4 more. She took two more and another faint line and a "pregnant".

She has been more eager to start a family, I wanted to wait a bit longer. I am still excited, but am freaking out! We just bought a house in August and we are combined making $110k/yr. I'm anxious about money, missing things with friends, and obviously being a good dad.

I just needed someone to talk to since I can't tell anyone yet.

Yeah so I’m fairly fit work out like almost every day whether its cardio(3 times a week) or lifting weights(3 times a week) sometimes playing basketball with friends. Love extending my streaks on my Apple Watch (ie like 400 days in a row 2 yrs ago). I’m about to get my first one hopefully today(A BOY!!) had to stop my current 100+days streak today since she was having contractions and was worried at 3am in the morning(they used the gel yesterday morning to induce).(was planning to wake up at 5am to get a full week completed this sunday, but I opted to just sleep in since we had to be at the hospital for 8am.

Thing is for me I got a small gym at home with weights and a bench. I have a indoor bike and rowing machine that I use a lot during the winter since I don’t run outside when its cold. So I would be saving on a lot of travel time, and at work I have access to a gym which has a treadmill as well(which helped me push myself to wake up at 5am to get workouts before the day started too).

I know I’ll have to scale my intensity back at the beginning however I would like to not let it go too much since I know its hard to get back on that horse once you’ve gotten off. I’m 34, and I want to remain as healthy and fit as possible so I can enjoy my life with my family play basketball with my son(if he loves it hopefully he does cuz I want to beat him at it until he’s too good and I’m getting cooked constantly by him) or any other sports. More importantly my pops died of colon cancer when I was 25, and I would like to be prepared as much as possible if were to get it as well.

My wife is due to give birth in three weeks. I'm having trouble thinking of a good gift for her for after the baby comes. Any ideas? I'm not very good at this stuff.

Does anyone recommend any Japanese sites/stores that have good baby toys, accessories, gadgets etc?

We are expecting and I thought Japanese gadgets are always good and could be good for newborns and new parents

Want to start off by saying this is the first baby for me, (due in May) and my wife and I are so stoked. She’s about 15 weeks in, and the first trimester was not fun for her. A significant amount of nausea, fatigue, and morning sickness…..which is still lingering around, but ultimately getting better.

Well, this has affected our sex life (of course) and it has me feeling anxious. Deep down, I think I know it’s because of how she’s feeling…..but essentially no sex over the past two months has me feeling a disconnect. I know my wife is battling way harder than I am, and it’s probably not even on her mind…..but just wanted to vent / chat with other dads to see if this was your experience as well? I almost don’t even want to breach or push for sex, and just let her come to me when her body tells her she wants it again?

I’m hoping she starts to feel better and this turns around a bit into the second trimester…..but who knows!

Appropriately for the season, Christmas is coming early! Enjoyed a great thanksgiving last night and then we woke up (when my work alarm clock accidentally went off) to a broken water!

In-laws wanted to do a gender reveal at Thanksgiving Lunch today, it’s gonna be a girl! It’s our (30 M&F) first and we are super excited 😊 we’re at 16 weeks this week

Ever since me and my then fiancé found out we were having a kid things changed rapidly, she stopped telling me she loves me back and became distant. I’ll admit my faults as well I didn’t help by not asking in the very beginning and trying to make her feel like she wanted. But I am trying everything I can to be with her after she gave the ring back and even before then. She is 5 months along and every time we talk she says she wants to fix things but then immediately says I’m a liar when anything goes wrong. My vehicle broke down right before the holiday and I had to tow it and trade it in yesterday so I wasn’t able to make it to her in time and had to get a hotel. She then told me not to even come and that it proves exactly who I am. Is this just the hormones making her this irritable at everything or is there more to it? It’s starting to wear on me and I’m breaking down at work and crying on the side of the road :/

Im totally overwhelmed with what to buy this blackfriday lol. I was thinking on getting the doona but its sitting at 450, does it go cheaper on cybermonday?

What are you guys gettings? have you find any good sales?

Well, the equivalent of probably 43 BK whoppers actually: 10lbs 13oz at 22 inches long!

I’ve been a longtime lurker here and I feel I’ve done everything I could to prepare to this kid with countless books, articles, and dad stuff. Through all of the books though they really don’t tell you EVERYTHING that I wish I knew. If it helps in any way, I wanted to make a list that may help:

A perspective on a Cesarean Birth:

• after being zipped up like your being sent into chemical warfare, you enter the room seeing your wife moving side to side from all of the tugging they are doing. You get brief looks what’s going on down below but you wish you didn’t. After about 5 minutes (that feels like 50) the doctor says “get your camera ready dad!”. No, you’re not ready and fumble for the camera… that is already in your hands.
• You hear him before you see him and then you see him. Your … boy…. It takes you a second. It’s not what you expected and feel soo terrible for feeling soo disconnected.
• the nurse takes him to the table and you follow her like a lost puppy. You’re so afraid to touch him but long for that connection. You ask the nurse and she just stares blankly and says “well, he’s yours dad so yes you can touch him!”.

Developing a connection

• you put your finger in his tiny hand and he grabs at it like his life depends on it. You tell him how sorry you are he’s crying but everything will be ok.
• the nurse is talking to you and you are so overwhelmed your embarrassed to ask what she just said for the past 5 minutes. Then you hear what your son has going on “low glucose but still within range, mild jaundice but should go away, fetal heart murmur but should be fine or go away”, you rip out your phone to take notes to ask these questions later.
• so much is being thrown at you and you just keep looking down feeling sorry for this poor little guy screaming his head off. It starts there though. You put your finger in his hand and look back at your partner watching you and see her begin to cry.
• you get taken back to the recovery room and just want to keep holding him. You realize it’s not WHAT you’ve been looking forward to but WHO.

What they don’t tell you:

• feeding is every two-three hours no matter what, 24/7. You don’t really sleep anymore, you micro-nap. Feeding also exponentially increases through the first week so mom is going to feel extremely pressured to keep up.
• you will cry for mom after seeing what she has to go through: the third trimester, major surgery, little sleep, having to provide for a baby, etc. If you have a shred of empathy you’ll feel for her so much.
• big babies come with big surprises: for me it was stressing over his glucose in the beginning and now his bilirubin levels.
• bring a 1” thick yoga mat for the dad bed. Trust me, it saved my back.
• hospital cafe food has come along way and is actually really good! I’m glad we didn’t pack any snacks.

I hope this wasn’t too long and helps someone out! Feel free to ask me anything I may have missed or want to know more about 👍 good luck future fathers and may god grant you lots of sleep!

My bed for the next night or so! See y’all on the other side!

We are less than 24 hours out from a scheduled C-section to welcome our double rainbow baby earthside. Four years of infertility, two years of IVF, multiple losses and unimaginable obstacles all culminating in what is simultaneously the happiest, scariest, most anxious day of our lives.

Any last minute golden advice/rules for this first time dad? Give me your best hospital comfort suggestions/tips.

TIA.

How many of you are getting a push gift for your wife? How do you determine your budget for the gift? How did or are you determining what gift to get?

any good suggestions in the comments I'll add

• One pieces with zips or very simple Velcro only.

  • This is because you're going to be changing clothes when super, super tired and battling with snaps or buttons while your newborn is crying and you're wiping up piss and shit off them and you is going to get real old, real fast.
  • If any parent gifts you clothes with snaps or buttons, they're not a friend and you should frame them for a murder they didn't commit.

• Find a one piece you like, and buy exclusively those.

  • Changing can be simple or it can be an ordeal and it's all a dice roll, except this game of craps is usually literal.
  • When every outfit is the same, you can do it automatically without thinking. This is good for changing at night, when out and about, any time really.
  • Buy one or two "cute" outfits for when you're showing baby off, but 99% of the time they're going to be asleep, making oil paintings of wet grass in their diaper, or suckin' mad tiddy.

• Snoo bassinets can eat every micrometer of my asshole.

  • Don't be lulled into buying a Snoo. For every baby that loves them, there's another that hates them.
  • The official instructions say it can take weeks for the newborn to get used to it. You know what else takes weeks for them to get used to? Fucking anything.
  • It's stupidly expensive and aimed at people with too much money who treat their baby like an accessory in a (sometimes literal) pissing contest. They keep decent resale value, which is great because you're going to have loads of free time to sell overpriced pseudo-scientific bullshit when you're raising a newborn.
  • I believe it's also French. Gross.

• Learn to swaddle. It takes like 5 minutes and it's cute.

  • Here's a simple image on how to swaddle. It's simple and then you don't need to buy swaddle sacks.
  • My wife likes swaddle sacks, but she isn't doing the laundry and she has no idea the mess that the Velcro wings on those bastards can cause. They're honestly fine but if you learn to swaddle then you save a load of money and people will be impressed (which is depressing considering how low effort it is to learn).

• Use the quick clean option on your laundry machine.

  • You're going to be doing a lot of laundry. This seems intimidating, but unless you've marinated your clothes in the blood of an HIV patient, a full program is likely overkill. I set my machine to heavy soiling, low temp. It's done in 25 minutes.
  • Also get separate baby detergent. It's softer on their skin (apparently) but it also smells like nice baby smell, which is great and I highly recommend it.
  • When drying, put they dryer on for as long as it can go, lowest heat. Just keep that bad boy going and add in clothes as they finish in the washer. Yesterday I washed all of the hospital clothes, baby clothes, new blankets and some bedding. People were impressed and very thankful but it was a piece of piss.

• Hybrid car seat strollers are dope and worth the money.

  • I have the Uppa Baby travel system, but there are others out there. My boy's car seat is also the pushchair seat. It just clips in and out. It's great.

• You're going to argue with your partner. No you're not above it.

  • Oh you guys never argue? Well that just means you have no experience and you're in for a rude awakening because it is absolutely going to happen.
  • Good news is, it's just because you're both tired beyond tired. Accept that these disagreements are likely stupid and that you're sorry that you're both going through this. Don't be a melt and take all responsibility, but you are going to be the dickhead time to time. Being an adult is admitting to your errors, not being a coward and lying to yourself that you're perfect.

• WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SLEEP.

  • This isn't hard an fast, but we're talking priorities here. If you and your partner are massively sleep deprived, then sleep is your priority above all else aside from keeping baby fed and warm.
  • "I need to take trash out, clean the bottles, do the laundry" - stop. You need to sleep or you're going to give yourself a heart condition. Check your martyr complex at the door. Your partner isn't going to be impressed that you haven't slept when she also hasn't slept but additionally has ejected an entire human being out of her body.
  • Also it gives opportunity to cuddle and be close with your partner, and they're really going to need your support.

• Learn how the machines work.

  • Breast pump, sterilizers etc etc. They look complicated but they're really not.
  • I can take apart the breast pump bottles, wash them and have them in the fridge in about 5 minutes. The sterilizer I can load in about 2. Keeping on top of that stuff is going to be really, really helpful.
  • Also it's fun.

• Your partner is going to be fucked up for a while.

  • "My mum was back at work within days!" ok Oedipus, you fetishise your mother while the adults get shit done.
  • C section or vaginal birth, it's going to be a rough time for them physically. The only miraculous thing about giving birth is that a living being can survive with that amount of blood loss.
  • It's also important to let them know that you see how much they're putting into this, and that you've got their back.

• Pacifiers are fine you weirdos.

  • Baby crying but not hungry? Try a pacifier. Oh, did a Mommy blog tell you it can ruin a latch? Yeah maybe. You know what else can ruin a latch? A stress induced blood clot. Do what you gotta do.

• There's a lot of asshole Mothers online. Convince your partner to stay the fuck off TikTok and groups for the first week or so unless it's for something specific.

  • Also for yourselves remember you're on their team, so don't make this a dick measuring contest, least of all because you'd lose against my immaculate javelin of a cock.

Ran out of steam. Open to more things to put on, and adjustments made to anything said here if I've made any egregious errors.

Wife and I are expecting our first in July (yay!). Does anyone have a good checklist of To Dos that Dad's might want to think about across the next 9 months that contain items some might not typically see in a similar list for the mother. I know there will be a million things to do and want to spread them out nicely not to be overwhelmed.

Edit: used the search and found one book recommendation, "Expecting Better" and posts with a few tips but no links to a full list. Also, we are in Ontario, Canada if that is helpful.

Hi hi howdy, fellow future dad here.

My wife is due in May (ish), we’ve only just found out baby gender. Is it normal for me to just…not sleep?

I’m not sick, dealing with mental health issues, etc. I’m just….awaiting baby.

We’ve never had a child, and I don’t have a lot of experience having a dad myself, so I assume it’s just these two contributors.

Is there anything y’all would recommend?

Well, my girlfriends (26) parents are super old school religious and believe in marriage before anything else. We are planning to tell them after Thanksgiving. She’s very scared and anxious and well I’m just scared for her. I don’t have a problem with telling them since I’m really go with the flow but I can see why she’s nervous and scared. Is there any advice anyone can give me? Please.