Hello; seeking advice…

Parent of 14.5 year old child who was assigned female at birth.

We stacked diagnoses through elementary years, finally getting autism diagnosis at 12. Have had years of occupational therapy, and now is in talk therapy/pschotherapy. Therapist believes a mood disorder and/or personality disorder diagnosis is in the near future, too; we plan to do another neuropsych eval when they’re 16.

Yesterday they seemingly randomly blew up - though they were working on math homework in the hour preceding the rage-fueled meltdown.

They became physically aggressive, towering over me (they are taller than me, and per professional guidance over the years, I assumed a non threatening position where I was sitting with my hands in my lap) while yelling how much they hate me, and then shoved their dad repeatedly. Of course, any time I’d say a word they’d scream over me.

I honestly didn’t say anything to start this one - just asked them to let us know moving forward if they aren’t completing their homework; they seemed to have accidentally disclosed they hadn’t been doing math homework the last week and then seemed to regret the disclosure of that secret to me.

As they get older this is just so challenging - and honestly, scary... I’m 5’ tall and small; they are taller than me and still growing. We have a younger child, too, who is forced to bear witness to these situations..

I guess just sharing to get this off my chest and to pick up any guidance anyone may have…

Hi

Just found this sub and read through a few posts and comments. A lot sounds like my 6 year old. She was diagnosed with ADHD but now also showing symptoms of ODD. I am seeking to understand a few things: is ODD something kids grow out of? Or if left unmanaged, it gets worse?

• does ODD stem from family dynamics at all? For example, having a strong authority in household makes kids less prone to outbursts and naturally manages the symptoms?

-does having rigid schedule and organization helps? Does reward system help?

My child has ODD. She’s 8 years old. Nothing has worked for her literally. Time out, taking things away, I’ve tried EVERYTHING. And she does not care. Recently if I have to say no more then once. She’s writes lines. Just like in detention. I write a sentence at the top. Example. I will respect adults. And she writes the full page all the way down. Neatly. If it’s sloppy it has to be redone. She can’t play with her friends/ go outside. Have tv, any of the things that she likes, read a book, until her lines are done.

This has been working! I figured I would make a post so that other could try this and maybe it could help some families.

I am a 22y/o school psychology graduate student turning to Reddit because I feel I have no where to go. I feel that no one in my life understands how brutal, nasty, and violent the environment is when you live with someone with ODD. My sister is 20 years old and is a horrible person due to her ODD. I have constant anxiety in my own home. I no longer love my sister. I sometimes honestly wish she would die and save myself and my mom the stress and pain of having her in our lives. I avoid her at all costs. She has no conscience and no remorse for the things she says and does. She flips a switch as if she doesn’t remember that five seconds ago she was tearing me apart. She is a pathological liar and creates alternate realities to suit her argument especially when she is called out or embarrassed.

The worst part for me right now is that my mom is so overwhelmed with her behavior and being the only real parent (my father has bipolar and addiction issues) that she does not discipline her. My sister runs the house. My mom will enforce one rule (no showers after 11pm) and thinks this is effective parenting for ODD. I have already moved out once due to this environment and my mom basically begged me to move back home when my lease was up because she missed living with me, promising that things would be better. Surprise surprise… nothing changed! So now I am planning to move out again as soon as I find out the town of my internship in the fall.

I feel like my mom is choosing my sister over me. She says she can’t cut her out because she is her daughter but the way I see it, she is our abuser. She is also 20 years old. I love my mom she is my best friend and not living with her and my cats is sad. However I need to remove myself. I feel like my mom isn’t protecting me. She never protected me from my f*cked up father either. She says we have a special bond. I want to stay with her and live a life in peace together but she won’t let my sister go.

I’m at a difficult cross roads right now. Additionally, I feel there is no support for the siblings of people with ODD. I am currently starting an Instagram called ODD.siblingsupport where I can hopefully cultivate a community and host zoom meetings every month where we can share,vent,and support one another.

I feel really alone right now and would appreciate any thoughts/support/advice

Thank you.

The child's trigger for violent behavior is almost exclusively being told "No," or "stop." "I want what i want and I GET what i want" is a frequent phrase. Rewards don't work, and neither do consequences. Any suggestions?

I should note that we are not permissive parents and do not give in to appease. We are also low/no screen time parents because screens turn Child into a nightmare.

I’m a 25 year old female and my partner just split up with me for various reasons but one of them being my inability to control my moods. I am diagnosed with adhd and autism and I know how most of the symptoms of those conditions affect me. However, one trait I have that I can’t explain is the inability to get out of a mood after something has annoyed me. The thing that annoys me can be so minor but I find it impossible to stop being moody. I want to stop so bad and I know that if I don’t it’s only going to make things worse however I just can’t. It’s like my brain is fighting with me and not allowing me to stop. I know my partner was going to leave me if I don’t stop being a d*ck but I couldn’t stop. I would even on purpose do things that I know were inconsiderate and horrible. Is this ODD?

When our son, 9, has a typical episode (e.g. he gets outraged, screams and name calls, etc), it lasts about 20-30 minutes, followed by the 'switch,' where he starts to cry - or sob while apologizing. That lasts about five to ten minutes, after which, he is quite his normal, pleasant self for a long time (hours, or typically for the remainder of the day).

Have any of you experienced your child's episodes and following behavior in a similar fashion? I am curious to know if a neurological explanation exists for how this process repeatedly works.

Hi. We have a (just turned) 15yo son with ODD. We’re really struggling and honestly are only surviving because we’re separated and get every second week off.

Some brief background: he also has ADHD, pretty bad anxiety, and ARFID (Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder — basically eats few things and then very little of the things he will eat). He’s always been a very challenging child. We only really received the ODD diagnosis in the last few years although we have had in some therapy on and off since 7/8 without any real progress. Ritalin helped his ADHD but he lost so much weight we had to take him off it. We’ve had no luck with any subsequent medications because it’s impossible to get him to take a tablet on a regular basis.

He’s very sensitive and can be a sweet kid — as long as he is 100% getting his way. He’s still a vulnerable little boy in lots of ways. But he is extremely oppositional about everything. We’ve given up trying to get him to even do basic things like clean his teeth. He will loudly wail for days, literally, because he has a cold and it’s given him a headache, but if you offer him painkillers the he’ll just scream ‘They don’t work!’. Any attempt to lean in to him when he is struggling or suffering is met with anger and refusal. I think there is a lot of shame in the background of all this — he hates being vulnerable or needing anyone. And it is impossible to set any kind of boundary with him. Consequences mean nothing to him.

Sadly his behaviour is rapidly turning into conduct disorder. He’s regularly smoking weed (daily) and is constantly shoplifting stuff. He hasn’t been to school any regular way for 2.5 years. It feels like an enormous achievement when we get him there, but then his behaviour is so appalling he often gets suspended. The school have been incredibly supportive and patient.

We have tried therapy — he refuses to engage and will just refuse to speak for an hour. We’ve tried more somatic therapies like EMDR and more ‘practical’ therapies like occupational therapists. But he refuses to engage in any of this for more than a single session. He is clearly really depressed and has attempted to take his life on a couple of occasions. But it’s impossible to help him as he won’t engage with any kind of therapeutic processes or even take medication. It’s like watching somebody drown but when you throw them a life raft they refuse to take it. We have engaged closely with the adolescent mental health service in our area but they ultimately said there’s nothing they can do unless he is prepared to engage. We did do the Parent Hope Project with them which was helpful.

We also just enrolled him in a new government school for kids who can’t fit in to a conventional school. The staff are amazing. Class sizes are capped at 5 students with two teachers in each class. There’s no assessment at all. The focus is on practical skills, for example they’re running a barista course at the moment. But of course, his refusing to go. We’ve managed to at least drive him there — but this is with him screaming and punching me the whole way while I’m driving.

We’re really at the point of just giving up on him. We try to be loving and caring as much as we can and not battle him on the small stuff. But if we apply no pressure nothing will ever happen. It’s also really hard to maintain composure when he so endlessly recalcitrant, lazy and abusive.

Sorry, this has turned into quite the rant! I guess we feel pretty lost and have no idea how to move forward other than survive the next few years and change the locks the moment he turns 18!

Has anyone had any success turning around ODD with someone who won’t engage in therapy (which would require admitting there is a problem!)?

Thanks!

It’s incredibly difficult watching my teen struggle with high school math/science and beat herself up because those classes drag her GPA down. Of course she won’t accept any advice from us because…ODD. She’s on a 504 but that’s been useless. Contemplating an IEP but have no experience and don’t even know is if she qualifies. She wants to go to college for psychology but she’s very down on herself and doesn’t think she’ll ever get into college because of her GPA. She’s incredibly intelligent and has taken advanced language arts and wants to take AP LA. It’s very hard to witness because I was her only 30+ years ago. I didn’t go to college but I’ve worked my way up in my career and know that I would have kicked butt in college if only I had believed I was smart enough. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

My soon-to-be 11-year-old son was diagnosed with O.D.D. (along with a slew of other things) about 2 to 3 years ago. I'm a single parent with no real support system (friends, family, etc...) I was curious if anyone has ever been able to find any online support groups that aren't time specific. The only ones I've been able to find are normally going on when I'm at work. Any information is greatly appreciated.

I have a 13 year old who has ADHD and ODD. He’s also the warmest, most loving and empathetic kid when he’s not feeling triggered or having a meltdown.

Ever since puberty and hormones hit, his argumentative and defiant behaviours have escalated. It’s beyond exhausting but also the violence has started again. It’s ruining my relationship with my almost 16 year old because she expects me to do more in the way of removing him from our home.

On top of all of this I have so much anxiety about his future. I don’t think I’ve ever read a story about an adult who manages their ODD well and is a successfully functional independent adult.

My anxiety is going to give me severe trauma. I have been and am willing to continue putting in the hard work to get him help, but I don’t see much improvement. I feel we get ahead 2-3 steps and then take 1-2 back.

I’m terrified it will turn into conduct disorder and he will be in and out of jail.

Can anyone share a positive story or does anyone know of someone that was able to manage their ODD? I just need some hope.

So this is gonna be partially a rant, but I don’t know where else to get support. I recently reached out to my therapist and told her what I’m dealing with with my 11-year-old with the ODD. My daughter uses her screaming as a weapon. She’ll scream as loud as possible because she knows it gives me a migraine. My therapist says oh just ignore it but it’s easier said than done when it causes me to have migraines. I’m curious if anyone else out there has an ODD child that uses being loud as a weapon and how do you deal with? My therapist says just ignore it, but that’s easier said than done. And it’s just absolutely infuriating because I try very hard to remain my composure but sometimes after being screamed out for 20 minutes straight by somebody screaming at top volume on your head feels like it’s gonna burst and a half from the headache. It’s hard not to react. I wind up yellling or arguing

Hi I have a 13 yo with ASD and ADHD diagnoses who is on 3mg of guanificine and seeing a therapist weekly. In the past couple of months he has become increasingly aggressive at school, cussing at teachers, banging his head, throwing chairs, and has been suspended twice. When he isn't having a meltdown, he is a bright and pleasant kid to be around. It has begun to affect him where he calls himself r****ed, dumb, and says he's hopeless. It breaks my heart to see him like this...

Has anyone had a similar experience with their child? And what worked? Maybe I could bring it up to his therapist and neurologist. I just want what's best for him but feel at the end of my rope and don't know what else to do to help him. TIA.

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I am not a parent but godmother and honorary grandmother. My godson has just turned 7. When he was born I started caring for him two full days a week. He was a joy and a delight until about age 5. We did art, cooking, singing, dancing, fun trips together.

Now he is impossible. With preschool, school, and other activities, my time with him has gradually come down to about 2 hours once a week - for which I am grateful. I can barely get through the two hours. I'm not sure his parents actually need this short childcare slot, but they value my presence as an intentional family member. He often proclaims how much he loves me and misses me if he doesn't see me. I can no longer stand being with him. It is stressful and exhausting.

Parents are well aware (one is a practicing psychologist) and he is seeing a therapist. parents are divorced and disagree on possible medication options. I am caught in a dizzying vortex between "This is the child I have loved so much, shared so much with, I can't give up on him" and "he's your nasty disrespectful problem, get him away from me." Am tempted to say I can only see him every other week instead of every week. I don't want to burn bridges but I dread the two hours I spend with him.

I pick him up from school and sometimes drive us around for half an hour just to kill time because he often falls asleep or just pleasantly tells stories or listens to music. Things go well when we do laid-back things like draw with crayons. Sometimes he asks to do a project or something, then it becomes troublesome. It was never troublesome when he was younger. I have the luxury of backing away, which parents don't. But in the big picture, I don't want to. I want the "old" kid back.

My 13 year old son was diagnosed ODD when he was 5. We recently just got an ADHD diagnosis to go with it. We started medicating him when he was 7. We've tried about 10 different things over the years...

We were finally getting decent results with Focalin. Being a controlled substance, it was hard to get and I had to keep switching back and forth to different doses, depending on what was in stock at various places in my area.

We finally decided to get with a neurologist instead of just listening to the pediatrician. The neurologist suggested a Genetics test so we could see which drugs react best with his body. It turned out that Focalin was not in the good column. It was recommended to switch to a non-controlled med that was in the good column, so we did...

He is now on Strattera. Because of the genetics test, we found out he has MTHFR and started on L-Methylfolate. He started getting bad headaches, which I read that the L-meth does for many people, so she added in Amitriptyline 16 days ago. He's only had a handful of headaches since, so we think that part is working...

However, the behavior overall is horrendous now! The teachers have all noticed a change of behavior for the worse since we changed to Strattera.

Who has done the Genetics testing, and did going by those results work? I need to know experiences to know if we should go back to Focalin since we saw decent behavior with that, though his genes are telling us we shouldn't be.

Hi there,

So ive had a few different doctors now give us different diagnosis for my son (10). One says he has ODD, one says he doesn't, then his GP yesterday said he may show some tendencies of it but she thinks his lashing out is more due to his impulsively issues (combined type ADHD) and his delayed emotional regulation skills from his autism. His GP has know his since he was a week old, so part of me on inclined to believe her but I wanted to see if others had heard this too.

Thanks!

Has anyone done PCIT (parent-child interaction therapy)? My 4 y/o is undiagnosed, but in his neuropsych evaluation he presented ODD symptoms. The psychologist said there may be other things at play, such as ADHD, and that although he presented ODD characteristics, she wants to check in next year.

She recommended PCIT, which I looked up but was unfamiliar with. Has anyone tried this before? What did you experience and did you find it helpful? Thanks in advance.

My son has odd on the spectrum and ADHD. He is a huge reader. I'm trying to find books for him to read that might help him cope and understand and grow past his odd compulsion. He is very smart way above his grade level. And due to issues in school and outbursts ECT we have started home schooling. It's such a struggle to just get him to finish tasks and mostly writing putting pen to paper so I've been trying to work on this as much as possible to hopefully get him over the largest obstacle. Making fun writing with fun prompts or just writing his favorite books word for word. I'm at a loss. He is amazing in other subjects like math and science reading ECT. So idk sorry if this post is a mess. Lol I just want to know tips tricks or even motivateing books or something for him to become inspired or something idk I'm at a loss at a brick wall and loseing hope.

Hi everyone, I adopted my son from foster care. I have had him since he was 8 days old. He was exposed to marijuana, alcohol, and fentanyl during the pregnancy and born addicted to marijuana. Up until this past August he has not had any concerning behaviors. In August he was terminated from his daycare that he had been at since he was four weeks old. Since August he has been terminated from 3 other schools. The littlest things set him off. I could tell him to put a toy away or it’s time to go to the store and he gets extremely angry. He will hit, punch, headbutt, growl, yell, and say that’s what you deserve or that what’s you get your the worst parent ever. We are currently on a waitlist for a neuropsych eval. We are also on a wait list for regular therapy and occupational therapy. In the mean time they have put him on a medicine for blood pressure that is suppose to help with aggression ( it’s not helping and we have an appt to discuss that later this week) overall he does fine one on one when I send him with babysitters while I work or even one on one with me ( until I have to ask him to do something) I have tried everything I can think of. If I ignore him hurting me he just tries harder to hurt me. He’s also very sweet, loving and kind, especially to other children. I’m just at a loss of what to do especially while we wait for services. I would greatly appreciate any advice or ideas on how to work through this anger with him. Thank you !

We are at the end of our rope with my 16SD. She's been diagnosed ADD, PTSD & ODD. I've been in her life for 8 years. She's always had issues with anger & control but it's escalated to me being afraid to be in my own home.

Some backstory - she has a difficult relationship with bio mom. She wants a good relationship desperately, but her mom acts more like a peer. Her mom has a long time boyfriend & they have a son together. They will not allow her in their home bc she's threatened to call CYS on them if she doesn't get anything she wants

SD has serious issues with control. She wants what she wants when she wants it, if she doesn't get it, someone will pay. She is manipulative & smart. A few years back she began stealing regularly (not from stores but from family). Anything you want has to be locked up & even then it's not safe. Gift cards, cash, credit cards, and everything from candy, makeup, hair products to expensive items like air pods, vapes, basically anything she decides she wants.

We've tried every therapy - family based, in home, psychiatrist, MST - anytime anyone says anything she doesn't like, she swears at them, storms off & will not participate. She has been in short term treatment & even almost a year at an RTF. Which basically just taught her laws & loopholes for more manipulating. She knows not to say she wants to harm herself, even tho she cuts. She hides where she cuts. She knows what to say or not say to get out of mental health evals. Her psychiatrist recommended her to a treatment facility & she fired her. (Age of 14 in our state gives right over her mental health treatment.)

She has been on every different kind of medicine. If she thinks we think they're helping & she's mad, she'll stop taking them. We've seen improvement on some but she will stop taking them consistently or say she has a bad side effect. There's always an excuse for everything & it's never her fault.

She's starting to get more violent. She's been expelled from school & now goes to an alternative program. She's pushing things to see if she gets in trouble. Her father & I also have a 4 year old son that lives in the home. Her fits are beginning to effect him. Her father works many nights so I'm left as the main caregiver. Now she's getting combative & throwing things at me when I say no & remain calm. I'm concerned for her going after my son if she can't get me to react.

We've contacted every authority & service we can think of. Police, EMS, crisis, CYS, the public school psychologist, blended case manger, current MST therapist... No one can help. There's nothing we can do to have her under control or removed from the home. I pushed her back from myself when she was hitting me & they asked her if she wanted to press charges. She's filed false claims on us 3 times to CYS saying we were denying her food & the restroom. She has her own bathroom & got in trouble at school for giving out food & snacks to students during class.

We've tried taking her phone, Wi-Fi, TV, limiting access to luxuries, she spends more time trying to find a way around the punishment than just correcting the issue.

Now that she's hitting & throwing objects at me, I've called the police. They do nothing because she turns off the light switch like nothing is wrong & I'm crazy. She lives in my house & it's a prison. We have to walk around with keys because everything is locked or she steals. We have 2 safes & need more. Our son had 2 piggy banks & she emptied them.

She's stolen close to $1000 from us in the last 3 months. Not to mention she destroys the room she lives in - trash everywhere, stains on the floor, used tampons thrown, it's beyond disgusting.

What can we do? Anyone with any ideas we haven't tried? Anything in the law of the US we can look into? She wants to be emancipated but they're telling us she can't prove she can live in her own. She's lost a job for hitting a coworker. We're suffering & our son is going to be affected. We just want any way to get her help & all be safe.

Hi everyone,

I’m hoping for some guidance. My 6 year old step son has been displaying ODD type behavior since he was 3 (a little after I started dating his dad); the violent outbursts, verbal outbursts and just moodiness has me at a total loss.

He has officially been diagnosed with ADHD, Explosive mood dysregulation disorder, anxiety and depression. He hits his teachers, spits at and on them and has extreme physical aggression. His triggers are being told no or if he has to stop an activity he particularly wants to do. He has been in an inpatient facility last year after he threatened to shoot and kill his classmates and his teacher’s children.

He is on Abilify, Prozac and Medadate. He is extremely aggressive still and I hate to say that I’m afraid of a 6 year old, but his outbursts are scary. Nothing scares him and when he is at that point there’s no reasoning and calming him down.

I am 17 weeks pregnant with my son. I am terrified he will hurt my son or even that my son will have the same issues as him- does anyone know the likelihood of this being genetic? His mother’s side of the family has schizophrenia and bipolar disorder in it and his father has undiagnosed ADHD.

How do I navigate this and keep my child safe? Does this get better?

Title. I'm an adult with ODD with a fiancé who has ODD. I have spent years researching the condition on my own and most of the few true friends I've had in my life have had it.

Ask away. Let me know how I can help you. And don't be afraid to ask whatever you honestly want... I am not easily offended.

I’m curious if people have heard of Pathological Demand Avoidance / Pervasive Demand for Autonomy (PDA). It seems to be the trend now (a good one, in my opinion) to rethink ODD as possibly PDA. Some families are feeling like the ODD diagnosis was a mistake and that PDA better explains the experience. Curious if anyone has had this experience. There are good subreddits on PDA (for both parents and individuals) if anyone is curious.

My 9 year old has been showing signs of ODD for a couple years. But she only displays these behaviors with her stepdad and me... so her dad doesn't see the struggles we're dealing with. He'll get brief glimpses of her defiance and argumentativeness but he just shrugs and says "she's just like me".

Is it possible for children with ODD to be selective with their behavior?

hi, yeah i know i sound bad from that title but im not abusive toward my mom, this is the only time ive ever actually hurt her and i never want to do it again.

((sorry if this is all worded terribly, its 2 am and i cant sleep, plus this wasnt really thought out too much. i just wanted to get it out there because its eating at me a bit))

i (14f) was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD a few months back, ive always been “rebellious”, even when i was super super little, but i wasnt nearly as bad as the other “bad kids” growing up so it wasnt a concern to my parents or teachers until now. :,(

ive been struggling terribly with school this year because i cant get out of bed in the morning. this has been happening for years, but it’s especially bad recently to the point where i have 60+ absences in multiple classes, and im failing all 4 of my courses this semester

this, and the fact that i was almost caught smoking weed a few weeks back (she knows but cant prove), has strained me and my moms relationship a lot.

were usually super close so its stressing me out and its making me act out even more. (and obviously, me acting out is worsening the situation)

everything kinda got to a boiling point a few days back, so ill just get to that

its exam week and one of my exams was last Friday. my alarm didnt go off and i guess my mom noticed i hadnt left my room yet and went to wake me up

i kept falling back asleep though cause i really didnt want to go to school (didnt care about the exam as im failing anyway) and my mom got fed up and came into my room and tried to rip my covers off, but im a little stronger than her so i ended up “winning” and taking them back before she left my room again.

maybe five minutes later, she came back in and tried to take my phone, but again, i just held on

this time instead of leaving, she stayed and was yelling about how when i leave shes gonna rip all my stuff down off my walls.

then she actually reached to rip of my posters and i grabbed her hand and just squeezed it extremely hard and pushed her over. she spilled her coffee everywhere and got up quickly before leaving and yelling something at me.

she got some coffee on this blanket she made for me… man that broke me. felt so guilty looking at it

ive never really put hands on her ever before this, and i feel terrible because shes gone through so much for me and i just treat her like shit but i cant seem to realize how shitty im being until i think about it after. i want to stop being so mean to everyone but i feel like i cant

i dont know how to, or if i should, apologize to her. its been a few days and were talking again so i might just leave it alone.

Mine will be 18 next month. Im a single mom cuz as you know, no one wants to date you & be brought into that horror show.

Im looking at 2 BR apartments because living with this rage & cruelty has completely destroyed me. I almost lost my job, my friends, and hes so manipulative that I actually did lose my family.

I havent spoken to my mom or dad at all in months, no holidays, nothing, because they somehow believe I did something to cause this. They guilted me so badly about everything & hes a spoiled monster to me cuz of them.

I cry everyday. Everyday I feel a deep sadness being near him, all of the doors in our home are broken, all the walls have holes. Hes so cruel to me, calls me a bitch & tells me to shut up. I feel so beat down.

I have to escape this, & now I legally can.

He has me blocked on a phone I pay for, so that line will be removed too. Im scared of reprecussions but at 18 the cops can finally take him.

The guilt is eating me alive though. I don’t want to abandon him but Im crying everyday, this is no life worth living & I have a younger daughter who does not act like that. I already feel like everyone hates me & my biggest fear is her hating me too cuz we left him.

How did you escape? How did you navigate that pivotal legal marker?

I have no support. Obviously, he can go to my delusional parents home if need be (45 min away) but I still feel so much guilt. I tried really hard but he has wrecked me inside. I’ll never be the same person, I dont know why this was the child I was given after being abused myself as a child. The trauma inside me has layers now, it’s too much to carry.

My heart feels so heavy😔

My son is 10. I knew way back when he was 3 he was “different”. Him and his now 8 year old sister have always had a different relationship. He never really loved on her except when she was a newborn. By 6 months, he was after her. I have video when she was a year old of her and him playing on ride on cars. Every time she would go forward he would rush in front of her and block her. He didn’t keep his eyes off of her. I remember thinking how strange it was he wasn’t playing alongside her and it was like he was trying to “get her”. I thought I was over thinking it. Forward to now- he is still like this. Mostly with just her. If she does anything “to” him even if she doesn’t mean to, like brush past him, he HAS to get her back. He cannot let it go.

They’ve always had a strained relationship that I guess I thought would improve but it hasn’t. He tells her she smells like fish (she absolutely does not), calls her ugly etc. She is such a great kid. Has a ton of friends, does so well in school, is athletic. It’s like he’s insanely jealous of her. I remember those second time mom thoughts when I was pregnant with her worrying about how he would adjust to her and everyone telling me “he’s so young, he’ll never remember what life was like before her and it will be fine”. I guess we’re the except to that.

More so, he does pretty well in school. Great in math, great in ELA. But his science he has a D. He will NOT take direction from me. The class had a project on adaptation where they all had to pick an animal and he chose a dog. He wrote well written paragraph about dogs, but it was NOT about adaptation. It was more so about what he likes about dogs and why he chose that animal. I tried to tell him and direct him to rewrite it, but he wrote it in about 10 mins and refuses to do any more. This is how he is about homework and projects. He whips through them and “wings it” and will not accept me trying to help him. Well, he got a D on it. I’m not surprised. He also has bombed the 3 tests they’ve taken so far. I told him we would study together by going over the chapters but all he says to me is “the teacher didn’t say to study” meaning it’s “optional” and anything optional he won’t do. He doesn’t get that if you don’t know something well you need to study and practice it. He is SO black and white.

He was dx with adhd, anxiety, depression, and some form of conduct disorder because she said he didn’t “meet the threshold for ODD”, but I can tell you he has it. We have tried SO many meds- non stims, stims, Zoloft, lexapro, abilify. He was a MESS on abilify and we had to stop by day 3. But after talking with his psych a few weeks ago, she decided he must have a mood disorder. He is just SO moody and reactive. We can’t ask or tell him to do anything. He either ignores or explodes. We decided to give the mood stabilizer another try, this time risperidone. So far, no negative reactions like abilify, but also no positive. It seems to have made no difference.

I’m really struggling with his behavior and attitude and he is ripping our household apart. He embarrasses me when we’re out in public. He will complain and repeat himself over and over and over again just trying so hard to get the answer he wants. I took my kids solo to an assembly the other night at school (husband was traveling) and I was talking to my daughter’s friend’s mom when he came running up to ask me something. Just started talking over me. I quickly told him I was speaking and I’d be right with him. He yells “yup, COOL. So anyways…” I was SO embarrassed. I saw her eyes widen and mouth drop. He does this kind of stuff all the time. SUPER impulsive and cannot ever control himself and seemingly cares about nobody but himself. His psych has said if this doesn’t work, we should look into an outpatient program but it’s an hour away, every day, for 3 hours. I just don’t know how it would work.

Anyways, tonight, I asked him multiple times to shower. Instead, he brought his little sister’s (4) stroller into the house after we said no, and was pushing her down the hallway when he tipped it backwards and she was hurt. I yelled at him to go take a shower like I had already asked. He yelled back and told me to shut up and called me a “f*ing bch” then ran into his room and locked the door. I followed him in and told him he is not allowed to talk to me like that. He repeated it. He has ZERO respect for us. LIKE NONE. I do not want my kids to “fear me” nor do I want to parent being in “control” of them but we literally have zero control over him. He just says and does what he wants. He also hit me. He isn’t typically violent except when he gets mad at his sister his first reaction is to yell and just whack her.

I cannot get over the fact that even though this was not the first item he’s said this to me, that he actually even has the guts to talk to me like that. We are so lost. We have no idea what to do with him. I ask myself every day what I did to deserve a kid this disrespectful to us. To my husband. To his siblings. And how are we going to survive this?

He clearly is not okay. He is not in therapy because I’m worried it will just do nothing. He has said he doesn’t want to go. So I’m afraid he won’t participate. And also, he is SO reactive I can’t imagine him ever being in the right headspace to put anything he learned into action.

If you made it this far, thank you ❤️ I am out of ideas. I feel like giving up. He will apologize later but I just don’t have it in me to even respond to him. I love my kid, I know I do. But I certainly don’t like him. I don’t deserve to be treated like this by him. I used to cry every day at drop off last year because he was so awful to me in the mornings. The only reason I don’t this year is because I’m on anti depressants that almost prevent me from crying.

What do we do? What options do we have? I wouldn’t consider him “violent” or anything. But we just are so so lost. I feel like our family is the most dysfunctional family I’ve ever met.

My daughter who is just shy of 7 is having outbursts and defiance at school, we went all summer and 3 months of the school year with no issues and then at the same time of year as last year she started up again at school. Is that common? I don’t know if she has ODD it has been mentioned to me I should get her tested but again it’s not all the time.

He’s often argumentative, has explosive tantrums, gets angry super duper fast (rarely does he get sad, he just bypasses that to pissed off), says mean and vindictive things when he is angry (calls us a bad mom, bad dad, we need to go to jail, we need to move out, etc. all that is said in response to us simply telling him no or that he has to do something he doesn’t wanna do), hits his brother and cousin a lot, gets in the dogs face and tries to sit on him even though we tell him not to over and over again (the dog is medium sized and won’t get squished too bad but for both the safety of our child and dog we stop this behavior), he used to bite when he was a baby until age two and a half, and is extremely energized throughout the day and doesn’t really slow down much, if he wants someone’s attention he will become super annoying to them (getting in their face and being noisy, climbing on them, etc.), refuses no for an answer and usually results in giant never ending tantrums (they tend to go on because we don’t give in). He also doesn’t seem to really care if he hurt someone physically or their feelings, he often will act like he was wronged instead.

All that being said, he can be such an awesome kid. He’s very very smart, creative with an amazing imagination, he is definitely a sensory seeker, and is really funny.

Anyway, he just seems to lack compassion and empathy. It can freak me out. He’s apologized unprompted before, but it’s rare. He did get upset and/or uncomfortable when seeing emergency situations on tv or movies (like simbas dad being thrown off the cliff by scar in the lion king ), but when he’s the one responsible for the pain of another, he often doubles down and gets mad at the person he wronged. We don’t know how to go about getting him to understand the situation better for him to see he should care that someone got hurt because of him. Sometimes he even laughs.

Now I get it, he’s only four years old. But I have a 6 year old and have nannied children before I had kids for ten years. I have a lot of experience with kids and I’ve only met one other child like mine, my cousins kid. So maybe it is something genetic. My grandma also told me my dad was a giant handful as a child so I could be onto something. My dad does have ADHD, but ODD wasn’t ever labeled on him. Is ODD genetic?

He also shows signs of anxiety. For instance, we signed him up for s tiny tots basketball activity and he refused to participate and worried about joining in the entire time. His preschool teacher said he kept to himself at first for about a month before slowly opening up to the environment. He behaves fine at school, but did have big emotions around nap times

I also don’t know if he’s too young to see ODD or if it could be ADHD. Or how I even go about assessing for this. His pediatrician? A therapist? Or do all four year old kids kinda act this way? Is this just a more difficult temperament than what I’m used to? I feel like I’m parenting on hard mode.

Thanks for reading!

TLDR: my four year old shows signs of ODD…or is he to young to show real signs?