Hi everyone, I'm new to non-monogamy, and I feel lost. I’d really appreciate some guidance to help me understand what I’m going through and what might lie ahead (I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and everything afraid me off). Should I just give up on my relationship and move on?

I’m 30 years old, and my boyfriend is 31. I’ve been in a relationship with him for eleven years, and for the past four, we’ve been living together. My boyfriend has always had many doubts and personal struggles, both with himself and our relationship. Recently, we decided to open up our relationship (we had tried this a few years ago, but back then, our relationship wasn’t in a great place, and it caused more problems than it brought benefits). This time, we were doing really well and were happy together, but he discovered that non-monogamy is a need for him. I decided to go along with it because I also find the idea of being with other people fun, though I don’t feel it’s something I need as much as he does.

I thought we’d just have very casual encounters with others, but he started seeing one of his friends, and now they spend a lot of time together. Since they share a group of friends, they play volleyball together, go out with friends, hit the clubs—activities he doesn’t do with me but now does with her. Even though they’re just friends, the fact that sex is involved makes it hard for me to separate things. He’s also compared me to her and said he feels more sexually satisfied with her than with me.

I feel threatened, jealous, and insecure. It’s been overwhelming. To cope, I’ve gone back to therapy and am trying to read as much as I can to calm these feelings. But I keep wondering if I should even be trying to go through all of this or if it would be better to end the relationship now. I love my boyfriend deeply and cherish everything we’ve built together—we have a beautiful relationship, and I didn't want to lose that. But for him, going back to monogamy is not an option, he says that I have to learn to deal with it and that from now on, the situations will only increase.

About that, another topic he’s brought up is that he identifies as non-monogamous and, beyond wanting sexual freedom, he’d also like to have other romantic relationships. This idea terrifies me when I think about the future. Even though he says I’m his priority, I'm afraid of no longer being anymore. I'm afraid that he might want to be more in other relationships than with me, have more fun there than with me, live new experiences only with these people, and think that they are better than me.

I’ve never wanted to hold my boyfriend back or tie him to me, we've always had a relationship based on a lot of freedom and respect. I want him to live the life he’s always wanted and experience everything the world has to offer, I love him so much. I believe we only have one life, and we should strive to live it fully. That’s why I feel like I could go through this, but my fears and insecurities get in the way too much. I'm mentally exhausted, and I just wish things could be okay again.

I guess I want to share this because it has made me so happy.

Me and my wife have been open for 2 years, almost 3. We don’t go by labels but we’re probably a hotwife/stag dynamic.

When we first opened up, we had a few problems finding suitable men for her. There were a lot of flakes, men who were just weird to be around and even if my wife liked them enough to have sex with them they would always disappoint.

A year and a half into the lifestyle we found someone who was good. He wasn’t selfish in bed and my wife really took a liking to him. He was the only one my wife was seeing for almost a whole year. But recently he moved out of the area so we had to look for someone else.

A month ago we were in a bar and my wife set eyes on someone who was really her type, he checked every box my wife had in looks. We were at our table and my wife really wanted to speak to him. And I told her she should try her chance before it potentially goes away for ever.

So that’s what she did, she went over to him and asked him if the seat was free and it seems like he got the gist because he looked over at me and then let her sit. They started talking and at the time I didn’t know what it they talked about but later on she told me they just talked about life in general (including our lifestyle).

Then she got his number since he had to leave. He gave me a hand whilst leaving and greeted me. Later that week my wife was on her phone so much and they (dirty) talked so much I never saw my wife this way over the phone.

Then like a week and a half in, she went over to his house with my blessing. He was okay with me attending, since I do like to attend every now and then but things came up so my wife had to go solo. And when she came back I could see the look in her eyes in the drive way that this guy was the real deal.

She went in and told me everything, and let me tell you I knew we hit jackpot. He pleased my wife at the first meeting like this I knew it would get better and better later on.

She met him a few times after that the first time as well, all without me for logistical reasons and also because I just want her to enjoy this as fully as possible. I know my wife loves it when I’m there to look and she has told me this but she also loves going alone to really get into the man and let go of everything else. And that’s what I want for her. We have had so many bad and average guys that I really want her to enjoy this guy and fuck like rabbits.

And this weekend she will be spending the weekend at his place and I’m so excited for her and the things they’ll do together.

A few details changed/omitted to prevent too much being identifiable to the right (wrong?) people, but hopefully they are insignificant. Hoping the flair is correct, since it's about insecurities but not about her dating, but my insecurities about me dating.

So me and my partner have been somewhere between poly and ENM since we began seeing each other. She is also ace-spectrum, and our sexual interests (and kinks) don't enormously overlap - we knew this going into the relationship, and have always communicated it well. As such, there is no jealousy in our relationship when we are having needs fulfilled elsewhere and from that point of view there are no problems at all.

However, I have recently had a few knocks to my confidence in dating (and similar). The relationship is poly in principle, but I've only been on a handful of dates a while back, and the needs that I cannot get fulfilled with my partner I've not been able to fulfill elsewhere. Since it was thoroughly discussed, I've never had any resentment towards her about it whatsoever (something that she worries about, and I reassure her that I knew precisely what our expectations of a sexual relationship looked like prior to the relationship, and that how we have managed to find middle grounds in places has actually exceeded what I had thought our relationship might look like), but my needs are still there to be met all the same.

This extended period of not having those needs met was recently followed by being rejected by a close friend who I thought was flirting with me. This all exacerbated my long-standing insecurities and feelings of being inadequate and undesired. And whilst I was upset in the immediate aftermath, my partner thought it was a good time to reiterate that she doesn't find me physically attractive. To be honest, this utterly broke me at the time. Thing is, I thoroughly understand where she's coming from. I know that she meant along the lines of "I love you for you, I don't relate to finding people 'attractive' in that way", but how clumsily she put it in the moment just emphasised how I was feeling and left me reeling.

I communicated that, whilst I understood where she was coming from, it still badly hurt my feelings, and she immediately realised it was the wrong thing to say in that moment and apologised. But I am conscious that now, over a week later, I am still letting my feelings (on the recent rejection, the previous insecurities, and what she said) affect my interactions with her and my mood, and I'm trying to not let them impact upon her. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm being a dick, but I am very low and she can feel that. My partner is my best friend, but can at the best of times find long, emotional talks about my insecurities challenging, and is urging me to find someone to talk to who is less close to the situation.

I would usually talk to friends about something like this, but unfortunately my usual go to people would be: a) my partner, b) my friend who just rejected my advances, and c) another friend who (due to overlapping and complicated REASONS) is not an option in this case as it would be too messy.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated! How do I stop rejection sensitivity and related insecurities from impacting upon my actual partner?

or me, a relationship is built on love, respect & trust & this policy breaks the last pillar & HOW. but neither is my husband comfy with seeing/hearing anything about other men (im bi, leaning towards men a lot more) nor do i find it comfy to do the same (unlike him, i've seen & heard of him with enough women, have done by bit & more emotionally & couldnt anymore due to possessive hard wiring, inequality in terms of not getting this back & overall massive conflict over this journey)
now mono is off the table - he cant, & i dont even wanna do it with him. i think im a serial monogamist at heart but giving the marriage a last shot by exploring poly properly also cause im super sexual & a total catch so doesnt hurt to try (but also dont wanna damage myself more. really conflicted)
so anyway, cause of the reasons listed above. we have decided for now to proceed with a dont ask dont tell thing under the same roof which basically means what - lying/omitting your whereabouts - how does this shit even work? any ideas, tips, advice. be blunt & rip the band aid off guys
also, it doesnt help that he would fuck a tree hole if he could whereas im v selective & only into really good connections and/or fucks.
HELP

I've struggled with my wife being poly/non monogamous for a while. I've even come here for advise on how to be OK with it. Some of you have said it is OK to not be OK. I finally admitted I'm not OK. After some back and forth my wife decided we were incompatible. I'm currently staying at a friend's house trying to figure out where to go from here.

13 year relationship with a 10yo kid. Gone, just like that. I gave everything I had to give and it just wasn't enough. She told me I didn't do anything wrong and that I just couldn't give her what she wanted. I want to be mad, but I know there is no point. I just hope she finds what she is looking for in this lifestyle.

Since I no longer need to figure out how to be OK there is no need for me to be here. As such this will be my last post.

I’ve (20F) been plagued tonight with some severe sadness that won’t leave. Me and my friend (23M) of 6 years have finally confessed our feelings for one another which is wonderful, and I feel on cloud 9 for the most part. The only thing casting a shadow of doubt in my mind is how it seems unrealistic for us to be together seriously. I have a lovely fiance whom I’m marrying in 2026. My friend is a cis het male who was raised in a very traditional household. He himself has become less and less “traditional” over the years, but I still feel like he would pursue a life involving a marriage and children in the future. He of course knows about me being poly, and knows about my fiance. They are good friends. I just worry that if me and my friend are to pursue a relationship that is more than FWBs, (which it seems like that’s the direction it’s heading), that we can’t realistically last long. I imagine that later down the line he would want a wife, someone he can marry in front of his family. I am now on guard and am so depressed at the feeling of not being able to become romantically involved in him because it will end in heartbreak. I wish polyam was the “norm” sometimes and that I could just marry whoever I love. I don’t even know how to bring up to him this topic as I feel it’s too early to do so. I don’t even for sure know what he wants for the future of our relationship, but I know him pretty well so I am making some educated guesses. I know realistically some relationships aren’t meant to last forever. But we’ve been close for so long, I would hate to lose him. Another thing that worries me about this is what if he doesn’t want a serious relationship, he just wants a sexual one? That would be totally fine but if that’s the case I feel like my heart is being kind of toyed with from how loving we’ve been to each other these past few weeks. Sigh. I’d really appreciate not having to read comments that are telling me I’m stupid. I’m just venting, and I’m emotionally drained. Thank you.

My gf suggested we open our relationship sexually to other people (not poly relationships). I’m onboard with the idea. What are some ideas/suggestions that I should keep in mind as the boyfriend?

I feel like I am crazy I want my husband to sleep with other women it turns me on so much, is anyone else in this position? Like for example last weekend he went out on a works night and said a girl was all over him and I made him come home and fuck me pretending I was her and it was amazing. I actively encourage him to chat other girls up and love reading there conversations.

We’ve been together for 10 years and married for 5.

But I am the complete opposite other men literally repulse me and I could and would never be with anyone else I like my husband to be protective over me.

Any words of wisdom!

My partner (19F) and I (19M) have been together for about a year and a half. We’re in a poly/open relationship, though we’ve both agreed on only getting with other people casually, since we both don’t want to be in any other full relationship besides our own. My partner has a best friend (19F) who she’s been close with for years—they’ve known each other since school and are basically identical to each other in how they act. Her friend and I get along really well too, and we’ve hung out plenty of times, but their relationship is definitely closer and deeper than mine is inherently.

The idea of a threesome only popped into my head a few months ago after my partner and I watched a show with a threesome as part of the plot. It was surprisingly wholesome and cute, and it made me wonder if it could be something we’d ever try. That led to an initial conversation with my partner about how she feels about threesomes in general, and she explained that she’s not totally opposed but that the idea might overwhelm her, especially due to her autism and anxiety. I think her biggest concern is how to handle the practical side of having more than one person involved. That said, she’s mentioned getting turned on at the idea of watching me sleep with someone else in front of her (though she gets really shy and embarrassed about admitting it).

Her best friend recently got out of a long-term relationship, and while she seems mostly over it, I feel like waiting a little longer might make more sense. I don’t know how her friend feels about me or my partner in this way, so this is still entirely hypothetical. But I do think her friend is attractive (and she shares a lot of the traits in my partner that I’m attracted to, which also makes me attracted to her), and this feels like a better option than trying to find a random person for the experience, since we already trust each other and have a strong dynamic. If it never happened, I’d be fine with that too, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about.

One thing that stood out to me was a moment a while ago when my partner casually asked if I had a crush on her friend. She said it in a curious and kind of smiley way-not overly serious but also not completely joking-and I said "no." What struck me was that she didn't seem upset or uncomfortable about the possibility; it felt more like she was testing the waters or just genuinely curious. That moment stuck with me because it felt like she wasn't scared of the idea of me being attracted to her friend, though I don't want to read too much into it.

I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, especially my partner or her friend, since they’re both so important to me. I also don’t want my partner to feel weird about being around her friend after hearing this idea.

So, is this just a bad idea overall, or could it work given the trust and openness we already have? How would I even bring it up with my partner again in a way that feels respectful and not pressured? I know that threesomes with friends can go badly, but this feels a little different because of how close we all are. I’d love advice or feedback on how to approach this—or if I should just let it go entirely.

Hiii, so I’m in a pretty new relationship with my girlfriend (both in the end of our 20s). From the beginning, I’ve made it clear that I wanted some layer of openness in our relationship. In my head that meant potentially even finding other partners if the right people showed up.

After making the relationship official, we’ve had a conversation where she explained that she still wants an open relationship, but she only want us to have sexual interactions with others together - also keeping it to psychical stuff.

I think I’m okay with this, but I have no experience with a relationship where you occasionally hook up with other people—together. So, can anyone share some thoughts, experiences and perspectives on an arrangement like this?

Hi all and thank you for reading, I’m seeking advice/ ranting a bit

Me (m22) and my partner (F21) opend our relationship and it’s interesting

A few months ago I’ve asked if we could open the relationship, back then it was a very hard no. 2 weeks ago she actually came to me and told me she wanted to open up bc she had a talk with her bff and she was in the “process”(+2) of opening up. Now my partners reasons are basically her bff told her she could just sleep around no strings attached and that was it (+1). At first I shared this outlook/ having a good time and experience with someone else was the main point and being able to express my kinks that I can’t share with my partner

Do tell me if I’m a hypocrite for this but I got the feeling she opend the relationship for personal gain and not because she wants me to be happy and fulfilled, if so I could not blame her for it, I wanted it like this and it is something I should accept?

In retrospect there is also the interest/ want for different romance witch I communicate and was met with a hard no ( being she wants to be my only romance and I’m barley even handiling that) witch is fine and definitely true

Before we opened we talked about rules/ things we are allowed to do/not to. We also agreed that these are subject to change/ we can talk about it if these do not meet our expectations. And I think we handled it pretty good

(+1) she was reluctant telling me there whole convo (I was actually interested why she came around to the idea) but one of the points that she mentioned why it’s fine with her now is being able to have a threesome with her bff and another guy witch I would be fine with if it was the bffs bf or me but I’m heavily against it beaing a random dude ( probably out of line since I should not be controlling this) For now we’ve settled on no threesomes

(+2) she just gave her bf the ultimatum open up or break up witch I definitely do not condone and heavily judge

I’ve not read any books on the matter but the ethical slut arrives on Friday

We’ve both been with other ppl now and I can confidently say it didn’t rock my world, my other experience was a bit weird but I’m not against doing it again.

She knows aftercare is a very big need for me, the last time we’ve been intimate she just got up and dressed herself (she used to do this before we where a couple as I’ve been the first and only guy she has been with who finds it a necessity after intercourse) and that just hit me like a truck, I almost cried and was pretty mad at this and all I got after I told her was „sorry I was on autopilot“ after that I just went home angry. Are my feelings valid?

I’m sorry for any spelling mistakes and formatting errors

Most of us came into this for the sex, some for the love, but I’ve come to realise that there are so many unexpected joys in ENM besides that.

As I’m writing this, I’m home alone, enjoying some rare time to myself as the kids are in school and my husband is visiting his girlfriend. And that got me thinking, that I’ve really come to appreciate these little, regular pockets of me time that comes from him having a girlfriend.

Here are some other unexpected joys of ENM I have come across:

• The friends I have made. One lover turned into a really good friend I’m in touch with almost daily; a girl I went on a date with became one of my closest ENM friends instead. A couple of other people have become more casual friends.
• The other people I have met. Some have become irregular fixtures in my life, others have been fun acquaintances that came and went.
• The stories I’ve heard. My life is so much richer for talking to so many people from all walks of life, sharing the funniest, sauciest stories they have.
• The beautiful handmade ceramics mugs I was gifted by one of my husband’s exes.
• The non-sexual experiences I’ve had: the sauna dates; the clothes optional spa; the burlesque show; the nude beach; the boat trip; the art gallery; the walk in the park under the autumn leaves.
• Getting to know the city in a new way, having visited bars, pubs and restaurant all over town.

I could add about the personal growth; about becoming more open with each other; learning to handle emotions and communication; etc etc, but I wanted to focus on things that were rooted in joy, not in overcoming struggles.

What positives has ENM brought you that you maybe hadn’t considered before entering non-monogamy?

The person that I'm recently dating is telling me in dept stories about his feelings, insecurities and beautiful moments he has with his nesting partner and other dates. For some reason it makes me insecure and I'm in doubt what I am for this person. I'm curious how much people here wanna know and when is it considered oversharing? I don't wanna be an inconsiderate to him but sometimes it feels like I'm a sounding board to hear how special he has it with other people.

I’ve noticed that most of the people in my big city are poly, I’m not.

Are there any apps primarily geared toward just hookup or swingers?

OP: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/XNOZzGXC24

Hi all, I highly doubt anyone would remember my last post or that anyone wanted an update but here we are.

I linked my previous post but essentially I was processing unexpectedly becoming poly with my gf. Feel free to read it but only if you don’t have anything better to do. On to the update..

Long story short, I pretty much ignored everyone’s advice 😅. Not really. I do appreciate all the input that I got on my last post. But every time I wanted to broach the subject, either something got in the way or I just chickened out.

She is still seeing the other guy. Let’s call him “Caleb.” Life kinda sucked at first since they were mostly using our house to avoid his roommates but this summer he got his own place. So they no longer meet at ours. Which is great because accidentally coming home when they are together is not great. Hearing your gf scream another guy’s name takes a long ass time to fade from memory. I’ve met the guy. He seems nice enough. Total opposite of me so I see why she’s so into him. Dude’s like 6’2 with that lean surfer boy type look. I’m like 5’7 and shaped like a tree stomp haha.

Anyway, so that problem pretty much solved itself. She stays with him about 3-4 nights a week. Occasionally, she’ll stay over for a long weekend or even a week. They’ve even gone on a few trips together. Tbh, part of me is jealous but at the same time, I see how she looks at him. I just don’t have the heart to get in the way of that.

Unfortunately, our sex life has taken a bit of a dive. Not long after they started seeing each other, we stopped being intimate as often. We still are but it’s only like 1-2 times a week. Everyone got tested and they’ve gone barrier free. Supposedly she was just tracking her cycle but did have a pregnancy scare. So now she’s on birth control.

I’m not particularly happy. I mean I’m happy she’s happy but this isn’t really what I pictured for my life. I always imagined having this passionate, loving relationship where we were everything to each other. Sometimes I just feel like more of a connivence than a partner. It’s pretty obvious she was never into me as much as she is him. That sucks but can’t change it.

On the health front, unfortunately I don’t have great news to report. Turns out I do have cancer. It wasn’t as aggressive as they thought but it is terminal. At this point, I’m looking at somewhere around March.

Gf doesn’t know. I know I’m an AH for that. I’ll tell her eventually. She’s just not around much and when she is I just wanna be fun. I know I can’t compete with Caleb but I don’t wanna just be the sick one. I thought about just breaking up but that seems mean.

I recently saw Twilight for the first time. When I finished the part of Bella mourning Edward leaving, it made me wonder if she’d feel the same. Tbh I don’t think she would. Caleb is pretty much primary at this point. So I’d rather be peaceful on the way out. When I do go, she’ll have him.

Work sucks because I can’t ride the engine anymore. Once I got worn out walking up steps in bunker gear, I knew I can’t fight fire anymore so I’m just on the medic now.

Anyway, that’s it for now. Hope y’all have a happy holiday. Hug your loved ones tight.

Hi folks, please let me know if this question isn't welcome or just annoying. If it is allowable, I really appreciate hearing the ENM community's thoughts on this topic and I thank you in advance for your expertise.

My partner of 21 years is interested in discussing what it would look like in our otherwise monogamous relationship for him to flirt with other people. This conversation stemmed from a situation in which he was flirting via text with a former coworker with whom he'd developed a close friendship. In other words, doing what he has since told me he wants to make space for in our relationship, but lying to me about it (not going into details there, but he was concealing this). In short, I found out, and I felt betrayed. We're each seeing individual therapists and a couple's therapist. Without going into details, I feel very certain that we are both deeply in love and committed to our marriage. He's told me that there's something important to him about flirting, about feeling that connection with another person who is not me. This is how we started talking about what it could mean to allow flirting in our relationship.

When my partner poses this question, I find myself immediately wanting to know what the end game is. To me, flirting is an opening of possibility between people. It's an invitation to romance. Being charming or extroverted feels different to me - those things are easily plutonic and can still be charged with the joy of meeting someone new and developing a more intimate friendship with them. Flirting (to me) feels like the end game is always physical romance or at least a pretty big leveling up of emotional connection (on par with someone you're fucking) with that person. I'm willing to be told I'm wrong about that, but that feels threatening to me, and given a brief but somewhat traumatic history with this, I'm not at all trusting that my partner would know how to stop if there was an opportunity to move to the next level with the person he's flirting with.

We're working on this, and we both understand that rebuilding trust is the first foundational thing we have to do before we could start something new.

I'd absolutely love to hear from others who have successfully incorporated flirting into their relationship(s). Or those who haven't and maybe have some hot tips for me/us. I also recognize that for folks in successful ENM relationships, flirting being threatening might sound so ungodly vanilla and lame. But I'm really struggling with this and I ask your kind guidance in helping me assess how I can help my partner fulfill this desire without it harming our relationship, and while staying true to myself and my needs, as well.

For added clarity, when I've asked my partner what his end goal is, he has said he doesn't have one other than flirting. He's said he's not trying to create a pathway toward sex with others, he wants to explore the idea of flirting with other people. At this point, this is an academic conversation - he does not have someone he wants to flirt with now, but wants us to talk about what this could be like in the future. When I've asked, he has said he's not trying to play a long game here.

Thanks for reading this long-ass, probably super lame post.

We era both 40 and sometimes I feel jealous and insecure. We are enm for a year and we both had some luck but my wife obviously a lot more than me. I feel comfortable overall with my wife having intercourse with other men but sometimes I have the odd thought of sorry to say it like this but a dick being in my wife’s mouth or closing my eyes and making an image of her with her in some sex position and a guy thrusting. After a while I’m ok and back to normal, after a few days again.

Not sure if I'm using the best flair. Still new to ENM (February will be one year for me), looking for advice, experiences, even anecdotal advice. I'd also consider this a bit of venting/ as well.

I struggle with scheduling, I typically living life flying by the seat of my pants. It hasn't really affected my relationships yet as most of my partners have only 1 or 2 or no other partners so it was a lot easier to call them up and ask what they were doing tonight.

I recently started getting serious with Christie, she has 2 other boyfriends and a handful of FWBs. No big deal but she likes to put plans in her calender a month ahead of time. As a partner I get preferential scheduling but I struggle to plan that far ahead most of the time for events that's are major (vacations, holidays, birthdays, ect.). I've tried calenders and planners and nothing works for me. Even though I take personal responsibility for this I have a job that can make it difficult to plan ahead as well.

I've been lucky and caught her when she's free or been stood up a few times, and other times where I haven't been so lucky. We both like eachother enough to put in effort but I'd like to accommodate her structure more. I can't be the only one who has been in a situation like this.

Edit: Thanks to everybody who commented, I haven't been able to reply to you all but I've read everything you posted. I know that my job and suspected ADHD contribute to my difficulty planning, but ultimately it is a me problem. Christie actually enjoys my spontaneity when it works out, the problem it is doesn't always. There's a lot of great advice in this post and I intend to use it to have the best possible relationship with her.

Hey yall im looking for tips/advice/date suggestions because myself and 2 friends have realised we all like each other and are all polyamorous/non-mono.

We're planning on going on a 3-way date to see how all of us feel and what dynamic we'll have, if we fit together.

But everywhere i look i can only find information for when you're bringing in a third, i cant seem to find anything about when your relationship is starting as a triad.

We get along great as friends so i doubt any of us will be upset if only 2 of us work as a relationship or if only one of us is dating the other 2

Hi everyone, I’m very new to open relationships, and I’d really appreciate hearing your opinions. My boyfriend and I recently agreed to an open relationship, and while I’m okay with it, I come from a sheltered environment, so this is all very new to me.

I don’t feel insecure or question my place when it comes to my boyfriend having one-night stands with strangers. That doesn’t bother me because I don’t see it as a threat to our relationship. However, the idea of him having friends with benefits is different for me.

What makes me feel a little insecure is figuring out the difference between me, as his girlfriend, and a friend with benefits. I’ve always viewed romantic relationships as friendships with the added aspect of intimacy, so I’m struggling to understand what sets a girlfriend apart in this scenario. My boyfriend has reassured me that only I will get ‘girlfriend treatment,’ but I’m not entirely sure what that means.

I love my boyfriend and trust him, but I’d love to hear from others who have experience with open relationships. How do you define the difference between a romantic partner and a friend with benefits? And how do you maintain that distinction in an open relationship?

I'm a newly ENM, married hetero man, dating solo near a mid-sized city. I'm interested in adding one consistent partner to my life, as a sex-focused relationship, but with a baseline of comfort, trust and familiarity. Not interested in a lot of casual hookups with different people.

What would be an effective approach to finding a woman with a similar mindset/situation? I have no moral judgments about how many partners a woman has, nor any preference for exclusivity to me, but from an STI-safety perspective I would prefer to be with someone whose graph of partners doesn't change frequently (as I don't want mine to either).

Does this seem like something achievable at all, and if so, how?

Thanks!

I (32M) have been dating my girlfriend (31F) for 6 months. We have incredible sexual chemistry and great communication. Before we made our relationship official, I explained that having non-monogamous sexual experiences would be important to me, and I gave her space to think about whether she'd be comfortable with that. I wanted to start things off right with her and make my desires clear from the get-go. After thinking about it, she said she thought it would be exciting to explore together, though she wants to do things as a couple first rather than date solo.

We’re both new to this and neither person has experience with non-monogamy within the context of a committed relationship.

Recently we shared fantasies and I told her I'm interested in things like sharing her with another guy or playing with others in a sex club setting. Initially she seemed shy but receptive, and as we've explored more in our dirty talk, I can tell it genuinely turns her on. Awesome!

The catch is - she's not super verbal about it. She's described herself as shy, and while she's gorgeous, sexy and confident in her body, she doesn't flaunt or tease about her sexuality in public like some of my past partners have. When I describe scenarios like two men ravishing her at once, she gets clearly aroused and says she'd like it, but she's not one to proactively express these fantasies herself.

My girlfriend is very extroverted and social but also takes prefers to be “well-behaved” in public (her words). However, behind closed doors she's incredibly dirty and sexual - she just doesn't advertise it. She’s also very submissive and enjoys me deciding what happens to her and bringing her pleasure.

Because of this dynamic, I can tell she wants me to take the lead on exploring these fantasies for us, but I want to do it in a way that lets her embrace that dirty side while still feeling safe and comfortable. I want to be confident that she’s genuinely enthusiastic and not just going along with things.

Worth noting: We're both straight but not totally opposed to same-sex play, though neither of us have explored that.

I'm thinking a sex club could be a good eventual first step - we could go as voyeurs first, then maybe play privately, before considering anything public or with others. But since she's shy about expressing these desires openly, I'm really curious:

• For couples where one partner is clearly turned on by these scenarios but shy about expressing it - how did you help them open up and get more comfortable vocalizing their desires?
• What specifically helped your more reserved partner feel comfortable letting loose in that environment? Any specific steps or progression that worked well?
• How do you handle the social dynamics when you run into other couples, given she might be hesitant to openly display interest even if she's feeling it?

FWIW we are based in the SF Bay Area. We haven’t jumped into any lifestyle groups or events yet because I want to do this the right way and ensure she feels safe and comfortable every step of the way. Thanks!

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1gy87wn/my_comet_didnt_tell_her_new_bf_about_us/

I posted about a month ago, it seems to get a bit of traction so I'm posting an update as I recently visited her.

A commenter made me realize that I never straight up asked Sarah if she intends to be monogamous with Gary. So I asked her bluntly, which she said yes. Sarah is less non-monogamous as she was taking an opportunity to explore our sexuality, as she admitted she had a crush on me for a long time. We've been friends for a very long time so neither of us wanted this to end our friendship.

I previously had plans to visit Sarah for her birthday, which neither one of us wanted to cancel. I had a chance to meet Gary, he seemed like a decent guy and we got along fine. Sarah didn't mention anything about our situation so I kept my mouth shut.

I've decided that Sarah and I should just remain close friends unless she wanted to formerly adopt a non-monogamous lifestyle, as the back and fourth just wouldn't be fair. I certainly understand now why a lot of people in this group won't date mono people.

Sarah and I plan to visit again after winter, I suspect our friendship will survive for a very long time. Not the most exciting update, but it's here for anybody who was curious.

Hi there, im still quite new to non-monogamy and want to explore. I know there are events to meet like minded people, but where do i find these events? I live in the Netherlands and looked for groups on facebook. Are there any tips for group chats on facebook of telegram?

Hi guys!
I'll keep our relationship history short: My partner (24F) cheated on me (23F) two years ago. For months after finding out, I kept asking her to be honest, but I eventually went through her phone and discovered she was still flirting with person who she cheated with and talking about a future together. They had fallen in love and wanted to be together but also include me and his partner. Later, my girlfriend told me that nonmonogamy felt like the right option for her (for various reasons I won’t list here).

After attending couples therapy for the cheating, we started working toward an open relationship this June. Before anyone asks—yes, I also want an open relationship.

Now to my current situation: Lately, my girlfriend has gotten close to a guy from her work. The person she cheated with was also a mutual friend and colleague. Recently, at a work party, some of her colleagues made mean comments about her and this new guy, saying things like, “Does his girlfriend know how he behaves?” or “That’s not okay to your girlfriend (to the guy),” after they went off together to grab some wine.

My girlfriend admitted she’s worried she might develop feelings for this new friend. I told her it’s okay to communicate openly, and we’ll decide what to do if feelings arise. At first, I brushed it off and defended her, saying those comments were unfair and slut-shaming (which I still believe).

But yesterday, I felt a wave of jealousy because the situation reminded me of the past cheating. I’m almost 100% sure she’s not cheating now, but I worry she might omit things or unintentionally cross boundaries in the future. I decided to talk to her about my feelings and asked for reassurance that she’s clear on my boundaries and our current agreements.

Unfortunately, she felt attacked. This stems from our history—early on, I struggled to express my feelings without sounding accusatory, though I’ve improved a lot. She told me she doesn’t want to be “babysat” and wants to take care of herself in this situation.

That response really hurt me. I felt like I couldn’t rely on her to hold space for my feelings of jealousy, and I felt rejected for the first time in a long time. I communicated that, and she apologized, saying she’ll work on making future conversations better. She clarified that she knows and respects our agreements and truly wants us to work.

However, after this, I had trouble feeling close or connected to her, which is now an additional issue.

My question is: How can we handle these situations better in the future as we navigate an open relationship? I want her to work on her defensiveness, and I need to work on not withdrawing after feeling rejected. Jealousy conversations are difficult for us, and I feel lost because I want them to be healthy and constructive. I know jealousy will resurface—likely more often as we continue this journey—so we need a better way to address it.

TL;DR: My partner (24F) and I (23F) want to transition to an open relationship after cheating and couples therapy. She’s recently gotten close to a male colleague, triggering jealousy for me because of a similar past situation. I communicated my feelings and concerns, but she got defensive, which made me feel hurt and disconnected. How can we have healthier conversations about jealousy and boundaries in our open relationship going forward?

We been together for a little over 4 years, I’m(25F) monogamous and he(27M) wants to be non monogamous, any thoughts?

My spouse and I and in the primary steps of opening our relationship. We are taking it slow and have our first appointment with a marriage counselor who has worked within the EMN/poly/LGBTQ+ communities later this week.

I’ve been reading through posts here and on r/polyamory gathering the recommend reads and podcasts and I know our therapist will also have some for us.

My question is: is there anything out there that it is generally recommended to avoid? Like once an algorithm clocks what you’re listening to/reading and gives you the “you may like this” list.

Hi! I’m very new to nonmonogamy (I’m reading Polysecure and I have a primary partner and I love them to pieces!) I think the most comfortable I am right now with it is to be sexually open, but not romantically open, but that seems like something that people can’t control? Can that be a boundary if people can’t control how they feel? What if romantic feelings just end up happening by accident?

Also! My partner and I might want different things and that terrifies me because I’ve never loved someone the way that I love them. (Damn I’m getting weepy even writing this down!) what do people do if they want different boundaries? Can that work?

I’m also still figuring out what I want re: nonomonogamy, and I’m having a hard time being in touch with my own feelings/ I’m trying to do research like going on dates with new people and seeing how it feels! If anyone has advice on how to navigate that I am all ears. Also is it normal to feel competitive with your partner? Like my partner is out here fuckin and I wanna be having as much sex outside our relationship as them! Wtf is that about?!

My wife 34 myself 26 are very new to the lifestyle with two in person experiences that I have shared in previous post. Lately we have discussed opening up more and playing solo I have found a female friend and she has found a male friend we both like and talk to separate and are yet to play with other than me meeting and kissing my “friend” and her planning to meet hers. So a couple questions and guidance please

1. If you’ve experienced this were you jealous? We have been jealous in the past but as of recent we both feel happy for each other.

2. Do you feel it has brought you closer together? Lately after venturing out we have both been extremely open with each other and have both had amazing deep conversations with each other.

3. Did you feel guilt for anything?

4. What did you enjoy in your experiences?

5. As we move on from this and gain more experience what can we expect?

My gf (F25) and I (M25) have been together going on 9 years. We both came out to bisexual to each other about 6 years into dating. Since we’ve hadn’t explored our sexuality (because we were each others first) so I suggested we open our relationship. She was skeptical at first but open to the idea, and eventually agreed. We were open for a little over a year, which I enjoyed but my partner didn’t enjoy so much.

I’m admittedly am a bit more sexually adventurous than she is. So I liked being able to explore with others, as was my gf. She’d have fun with others but would get upset with me when I’d seek others out. Eventually we closed our relationship again. It has been a year since then, I miss it sometimes. And just today she had brought it up how crazy it was but also somewhat fun. I immediately started getting turned on when she brought it up. She’s open to being open again but we’d need to have a deeper discussion about it.

I’m open to the idea but am worried she’d feel envious again. Any advice on how to go about this? Or if someone has been in a similar situation, I’d like to hear how it was resolved. I understand jealousy can be normal at first, but what are some methods to reassure your partner means much more. Please any thoughts would help, thank you!