It's been eating at me for a while now. I always have this nag in the back of my mind that despite everything I'll do, I'll never be a "true woman," even though I KNOW that's not true. I just feel like I'm inferior to them because they're "true women" and I'm a trans woman.

Very basic oversimplified break down of My situation check post profile for the full details and everything if you want:

I accidentally shared a message with my parents about wanting therapy and struggling with body hair dysphoria. They reacted supportively—finding me a therapist, buying a razor, and easing up on haircut comments. However, their suggestions, like wearing dresses, feel overwhelming.

I’m struggling with job hunting, limited funds for feminine clothes, and family pressure to find a “real” job, even though I’ve started a small rock-selling business. I feel both fear and excitement about exploring being trans, but I worry about standing out in my conservative town and how HRT might affect my health (POTS and EDS). My biggest concerns are looking like my mom’s side of the family, becoming physically weaker, and feeling isolated. I’m looking for advice on managing dysphoria, handling emotions, and finding out who can prescribe HRT, and I’m leaning toward wanting to transition.

Explanation ends here.

I need help I don’t have for weeks and I’m struggling so much. My dysphoria get worse by the day I can’t look at myself with being disgusted. I wish it would all could be over soon but I’m so overwhelmed. I keep on realizing things daily about myself which is good but also a lot to handle. I realize I’ve been faking to make my parents think I’m fine. I’m want so much but I don’t know if I have the means to accomplish. I wish I didn’t have to be constantly scared of politics. I want to crack my egg be free of my mask but I’m too much of a wimp to do it. I hate my body it so hairy, gross, masculine, and ugly. I want to be myself. I wish I didn’t have to constantly being in a mental war against myself. I don’t want to sob every day from the fact that I am what I am. I would love to just know for certain that I’m trans. I wish I could have a source of euphoria that would last. I wish I could be like all you beautiful people. I wish I could break the mask. I wish I could be my true self and be loved for it.

I really need advice desperately and would love to hear it. Sorry it was so ranty I was crying the entire time.

First session of lazer for my facial hair in 13 hours. Stop me getting cold feet

I completely give up on socializing, with both cis and trans people. My experience talking to people, has been awful 99% of the time. I'm meant to feel lonely, and i need to get over it.

People are way too intimidating, and it's because they are. Everyone is hostile/mean, and all they do is hurt me. It feels like everyone wants to torture me, in some way.

I'm going to just do my hobbies, until I decide I'm done with everything. I don't think I'm ever going to be happy, and not feel lonely.

I give up

I know that im soo probably trans and ... I still doubting everything and i can handle this, so i gonna make this type of pots every day cuz why not? The doubts will still with Me for a long time, so there's nothing i that can do over that...(And i feel lonely :( ) *sorry if i have bad English or something

Anyway with respect to the post... Idk, is just some weird for me cuz i still wanting to be a girl And sometimes is automatic (Is just like "i don't worry about that but still wanting in some way") I don't really know if have disforia but is very probably (The disforia is super complicated for me) But i feel a kind of sadness or anxiety that i can really explain. But idk my biggest problem is i don't really know how i want to look like, dk if that is possible for me or if even gonna make feel happy. Soo ... I want something but i don't know What really is ...

May 25 2022: First got called an egg

Sept 18 2023: First questioned gender (semi-jokingly)

Nov. 2023: Getting repeatedly called egg by everyone around me

Dec. 29 2023: Egg crack

Jan. 2 2024: Coming out to a couple of close friends

Mar. 2024: Last time of cutting hair short, coming out to friends

Apr. 2024: First time presenting femme in public (turned out uncomfortable)

May 3 2024: First E pill (didn't continue)

May 22 2024: Sperm preservation and real start of HRT, 0th birthday

Aug. 8 2024: Formal gender dysphoria diagnosis attained, but HRT paused for family pressure

Sept. 5 2024: Resuming HRT

Sept. 24 2024: First laser session

Nov. 1 2024: First public malefail ⇐I'm here now

Chat, fellas uh yeah uh huh i have bras btw if that helps :3

thanks to everyone that helps

for those who don't know, the USA (where I live) holds its election day next Tuesday. currently our running candidates are the Democratic Kamala Harris and the Republican Donald Trump. for those unaware of the threat, the Republican Party is.... dangerous, to say the least.

that out of the way, I'm terrified either way. if Trump wins, he'll definitely try to take away the rights of minorities (including trans people) and if he can probably try to exterminate them as well. if he loses, there will probably be a shit ton of Republicans that worship him who will riot and probably kill people out of anger. I'm so scared that this will be my last week alive, that I'll be a target for them. if not me, any of my friends or even my girlfriend could get hurt or killed in this whole mess. I'm just not very hopeful either way right now and while I can't do anything about it at this point (I'm not even old enough to vote) I'm still so scared and hope there's some way out that doesn't force me to flee the country (again, I'm not old enough)

I wish I could celebrate Halloween with friends in a costume I like being in, rather than one I put on each day…

I wish I could take this costume off and be my true self, and be able to have fun with costumes during stuff like Halloween but I can’t…

Sorry >_<

Currently moments away from a panic attack and really wanna disappear. I'vescratched my arms as self harm and am likely to do it again. Help...

Three sleeps ago, the girl I have a crush on invited me to sit in a Discord voice chat with her while we sleep. We ended up doing that again the next night as well, and it was really nice. My usual loneliness was replaced with feeling safe and cared for. I know that's stupid of me because she probably only did it out of pity, but I take good feelings where I can get them.

But now the loneliness is fucking deafening. I spent years building up my ability to ignore it, and it took two nights to shatter that. I got a taste of how things could be, if only anyone actually wanted me, and now all I can think about is what I'm missing out on.

I don't blame her, because this pain isn't her fault, but it hurts.

I just wanna sleep, but it's all-consuming. It's all I can think about as I lie here in bed.

Not sure why I wrote this, but feedback or advice is appreciated <3

I’ve often found myself attempting to put the feelings surrounding my dysphoria into words, and each time I’ve failed; this is yet another effort that will likely be in vain. Whether this is worth it or not, I don’t know, but I have few other outlets or choices. I, like many others, am no stranger to emotional pain and distress. I’ve dealt with addiction and depression, loss of friends to suicide, overdose and accidents. I’ve mourned family, friendships and relationships that were never to be. In this way, my experience is not unique; however, the pain I’ve felt throughout my life pales in comparison to the tedious agony of waking up each day unsure of who I am, of seeing “me” in the mirror, and feeling as though there is no route to improvement. In no way am I the first to experience this pain, nor will I be the last, and yet I somehow find myself feeling so incredibly alone in my circumstance. I see success stories left and right, I see those who couldn’t take it any longer, and I’ve seen some who have had everything taken from them for being like me. In an increasingly hostile world, I find it difficult to see things getting any better for people like me, and it leaves me wondering if it’s even worth trying. Nowadays, I often find myself abandoning my responsibilities and health in exchange for cheap thrills and distractions, subconsciously hoping that if I can only distract myself until I die, I’ll never have to face what I am, who I am. I’ve tried my hand at investing myself in others, hoping that if I can only help them, I may find a bit of self-fulfillment in some backwards way; this failed. I’ve done my best to live freely and not care about my circumstance, hoping that if I can only ignore it long enough, my hatred of myself would go away again; it didn’t. I’ve reached a point in my life that I can no longer run away from the reality that I am, in fact, trans; however, to face this reality head-on feels like an impossible task, and I’m in no way confident that I can handle it. This realization has driven me to the edge and my legs are shaking, I don’t know how much longer I can keep my balance. I need help but have no idea how to ask for it. I need to do my best, but my best has proven itself to be insufficient. Finally, I need to learn to care for and accept myself; however, this is a concept so foreign to me that I don’t know the first step in accomplishing it. I’m not fully sure why I sat down to write this. Maybe it was a way of avoiding direct confrontation with my reality, or maybe it’s the first step down a road of self-discovery. One thing is certain however, I’ve reached my limit and I’m not sure how much longer I can carry on like this.

Im not happy here and me hating my body isn’t helping and I’m stuck in this body forever. I don’t think I can stay alive much longer. I’m sorry for everything

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckufkcufkcukfjfjcjc

i’m wasting my fucking life. i turn 20 in a week and im still a fucking man. i’ve known i was trans for nearly a year now and im still not on hrt. i could diy any fucking second and i’m wasting it. i’m fucking dying and no one cares. if i grow up as a man ill kill myself and im still doing nothing. what the fuck is wrong with me

no one is gonna help me, they all view me being trans as a problem rather than who i am. im dying i’m dying i’m dying i’m dying and no one’s gonna help

I've since bought three more and shaved my legs. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm too old to have waited this long. My homophobic parents are still alive. Maybe I'm just wading in the gender fluid. Nothing to worry about. I mean I put a skirt on as soon as I finish my post work shower and wear it until it's time to leave for work but... crap. Now? Seriously?!

This is the first true touchy experience I've had with possible anti-trans rhetoric since "cracking" a few months ago.

For context: He showed it to me from the angle of "I don't normally follow conspiracy rabbit holes, but THIS truly is one that the researchers are trying to cover up!"

I'm not even close to being publicly out, but I'm unsure how to handle this given he was trying to show me something he found amusing. It didn't FEEL hateful, but definitely not looking to be supportive. I don't know what anybody's true stance is here, but I'm hoping it's more indifferent ignorance than actual hate.

I really wanna push back, but it was just in quick passing. But if it comes up again, how should I handle answering like this civilly if it's not being intentionally hateful on his part?

So, it's been a while since I said anything here. I just need to vent about something...

When I got a girlfriend I was so happy and really thought that I'll be able to go through this at the end. I was so wrong. About a week after I got a girlfriend I just because depressed, a lot, and it just seems like it's getting worse with every day and I feel like I'm just making things harder for my girlfriend because of that and I don't know why. I really can't do this, I don't think I've ever been so depressed in my life, I just want to be a girl... Am I asking for too much... Why does it feel like I'll never even transition, like I will just be stuck like this forever... I'm so tired... I want to cry so bad...

ill maybe probably update u afterwards

edit: i couldn’t say it so i wrote it on paper and then we talked about it and i just dissociated the whole thing through

Like, I boymode irl for my personal safety, but girlmode on occasion and slowly began irl socially transitioning on day 5 (yesterday) of my HRT regimen. I've been out online for a few months and it seemed so easy, because people just referred to the disembodied username and voice as "her" on my Twitch streams. Irl is a completely different beast and it scares me. I almost don't want to transition just out of fear from social backlash. E makes me happier, and is like a more advanced form of my welbrutrin which I was taking pre-E meds from my PCP. It makes me happier and calmer and more even keeled, so I'm like 90% I want to continue medical transition but, I'm scared, I'm alone, and like the meme said.... I might feel more comfortable as Roxanna, but the rest of the world seemingly isn't.

Men are creeping on me on dating sites, despite my profile pics being me in boymode and absolutely malemaxxing...and because of said malemaxing, women who do match with me clock me as male... and it's like, I just want people to hang around with and be free with..

But I'm too manly looking for other women to not see me as a guy in a dress, but girly enough for desperate men to chase despite me being stupid ugly... ugh...

Excerpt from a chat I had (sorry if it seems so random):

My last few day have been like this: sleep, walk up, school, dysphoria, school, dysphoria, school, questioning everything, school, denial, school, even more denial via explaining thing away poorly, school, partially accepting, school, get scared about politics, check polls, get scared and depressed, get dysphoric because of depression, realizing the signs 🪧 we’re always their, school, think about my body and how much I hate its masculine features, egg cracking, school, finally wishing I was not a man, immediately get extreme anxiety because I think about me faking it and maybe I would regret it, being scared of everything, wish I was a girl (really hard to write out), wanting to try girl clothes, remembering I don’t have money/a way to secretly get them, get depressed then dysphoric, want to be able to shape shift and become want I want to be or just me so small and cry in a corner, school finished.

One of the weirdest of me is I have one part that is saying you’re make everything up but it’s excuse have been get weaker but the side saying I’m trans (that is also extremely hard to say) and a girl or enbie

It’s really hard to type but if give the opportunity I would without question been turned into a girl or femboy before my other side could say something

I wish I could just try the fem cloth and finally put the other side to rest.

I can’t look at my self in the mirror without look away in disgust of my masculine features or crying because I’m hate my body.

TL;DR: The past few days have been filled with a cycle of school, intense dysphoria, questioning my identity, anxiety over politics and body image, and realizing signs that I might be trans. I struggle with self-doubt and fear of regret, yet feel a deep desire to express myself as a girl or enby. I have also been having depression that leads to dysphoria in a cycle. If given the chance, I’d choose to instantly change I would become a girl or femboy or enby without hesitation before my the inner conflict get in the way.

Sorry for errors, grammar, and misuse of words.

First off sorry for the massive wall of emotional dumping. I need to get my thoughts straight.

My (30 amab) minds been kinda all over the place lately. I've been looking back on the last decade or so of my life and really reflecting on the choices I've made and the paths I've taken. I can't say there are many I regret. I'm content with my life.

For years life has been a mess in one way or the other. My old job i worked for 10 years became more and more demanding. When I left I had half the team I led with 3 times the work and 12 hour days. My husband developed severe anxiety and depression we worked through together. I developed severe anxiety from my job. 2 of my parents had cancer. My grandfather had cancer. I had my own cancer scare which turned out to be a hormone imbalance. Even so.

8 years married to the love of my life. My new job respects me as a person and the demands are far less and hours more reasonable than my old job. My husband and I bought a house in our budget after years of looking. Things have finally settled down. This should be the happiest I have ever been yet I find myself grumpy and yearning in a way I'm familiar with but at the same time different matured.

Growing up I had a fondness for the softer things of life. I preferred stuffed animals to action figures. Playing pretend to sports. I wanted an ez bake oven and to cook. I thought my mother was beautiful and was jealous i didnt look much like her, taking comfort that my best qualities, kindness, intelligence, empathy all came from her. Her clothes were always really pretty and while some looked uncomfortable (looking at you high heels) i wondered how they felt to wear. None of these should be considered gendered so I put no thought to them.

Puberty was an odd time. I had zero interest in dating. Everyone was talking about who they were taking out or sleeping with which was odd in a catholic school (family isn't religious just was a better education than the local public). I was focused on school and porn.

I learned early on that I had a very widespread interest in such content. Regular videos got stale quickly and my search bar probably had my personal fbi agent (joking) worried. Chastity, cross dressing, submissive men, femdom, lesbian content. Always found myself focusing on the woman and the pleasure she was having. Eventually I discovered gay porn and it was similar enough that I realized I liked men and I liked the thought of bottoming. This led me to eventually identifying as gay. I still had no interest in dating.

Within the subset of gay porn eventually came sissy crossdressed bottoms and I had an obsession. I wanted those fantasies. Someone to show me what a man was and it would come in waves. I was always very cautious about one thing though. I didn't want to fetishize the trans community. This wasn't about trans women but guys who dressed like women for a scene or experience. It was two men just one more feminine in pretty clothes. Mxmtf is not gay porn after all it's a man and a woman and whike it is lgbtq you had to respect their gender. Since this was the horny talking when I'd watch this videos and imagine myself in those situations it clearly was a fetish. And I think this is where I went very wrong.

I met my husband on grindr and while he is pansexual i wouldnt have met him if i didnt identify as gay at the time. When I got married and started having actual sex I didn't enjoy it. It always felt uncomfortable. There was a certain wrong feeling to it that I couldn't quite word. Not the act itself, not that it was two men but something felt odd about the how. Eventually my identity shifted from gay to homoromantic demisexual to homoromantic asexual.

During my time identifying as gay and then this i still appreciated the beauty of women. It did feel like I could have been in a relationship with a woman if I felt the same connection i did with my husband. Sex didnt equal intimacy to me. For those wondering if this impacted my marriage, it did for a while. My husband is very sexual but also respected my boundaries. Eventually after some strife we did open our marriage with very strict rules to ensure we both were respected. I won't bore with details but to summarize my feelings on it it is like he is going golfing. I sure as hell don't wanna go and he enjoys it and has friends to do the back nine with if you know what I mean.

I'm now thirty. As I mentioned I have diagnosed hormone imbalance. There is no sex drive and the only masturbation I do is maintenance when I am really stressed and it happens to be up. I still look at a great deal of porn because I find it fascinating. It's beautiful and expressive in a way I don't fully understand. I also follow positive trans support groups on my main account and I realized something in the last year since my drive has been completely gone.

I still wish I were pretty. I wish I had a nice feminine body. That I looked good in a satin dress or heeled boots. A nice hour glass figure and a soft face. I wish I was short and looked good in my husband's hoodie instead of my 6'4 giant self. I'd wear a nice vanilla perfume and just some blush and eye shadow. I'd have a small set of breasts that pissed me off when they'd get in the way and a vagina whether used or not. Softer body hair and a fair complexion.

Oh well. Hindsight is 20/20

I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die

https://preview.redd.it/usxyjfxjaqxd1.jpg?width=922&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1d355a761b67d2e69e12e536f90e57475825183a

This happened like 2 months ago, but it's back at the front of my mind again.

I get that it's a big load to drop on someone. That's obvious. But she could have handled it a little better. She kinda just started interrogating me about it, and saying things like "maybe you're just non-conforming/non-binary," "everyone your age (high school sucks) thinks these things, "what if you're wrong," etc. etc.

I just feel like it was such a weird experience, especially once she kinda forgot the next day since I basically went back into the closet again.