Our first episode dives into how unmet needs fuel emotions like anger and depression, inspired by Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication.

Listen here: https://open.spotify.com/show/2gf0Fqa1nDlMwIQqjPv1lA

Hi all, I have been trying to incorporate NVC into my communication for many years now (professionally and personally). However, I really struggle when it comes to communicating with my husband. If I start a conversation with "I feel/I'm feeling" I can immediately sense his alarm bells going off. He had a challenging upbringing where feelings weren't discussed and I know big/negative emotions make him uncomfortable.

The challenge I am experiencing is with our differences in parenting, and emotional regulation in general. His parenting style involves yelling, empty threats ("we wont go if you don't stop", "I'll take away your toys if you don't clean them up"), rolling his eyes when they try to express their feelings, etc.

I want to approach him about his parenting methods but I don't know how. I have read just about every parenting book under the sun and studied child development in Uni. I feel very confident (most days) about parenting and have done the majority of it on my own. However, he is often criticizing my parenting methods openly in front of our children and telling me they are going to turn out poorly because of my approach.

I would love some advice or a script or resources or something. I don't even really know what it is I want to communicate that would help to improve the situation. It seems like such a huge thing for someone to accept and change about themself.

When I've looked on other subreddits the advice is always to "record the person" or make ultimatums but I know thats not going to result in healthy communication.

I’m looking for a program or course I can enroll in with my husband. We work with a marriage counselor already but it’s not doing enough to help us communicate and understand each other. Any help is appreciated

I'll try to be brief. My wife was at the gym, I gave the kids dinner and put them to bed. Then I was relaxing when my wife got home. I saw a mess I forgot to clean and was telling her what happened. As I told her, she cleaned the mess herself (I would have done so had she not, I had just forgotten until then). She told me she is always cleaning and the gym is her only break from it so when she comes home and there are messes she feels frustrated. Ultimately it escalated into a fight (I'm new to NVC, my wife is uninitiated, there was a lot of anger and not much communicating needs). She later messaged me some very long messages ultimately saying "I don't do a lot, I don't hold value, I'm never enough." I think that's what she thinks I think. But I know I'm supposed to hear feelings and needs instead of thoughts. How would you respond in this situation?

I’m curious about some of the most common and difficult things facing parents and couples with regard to communication. I’m keeping it open-ended on purpose to just hear from people and get some perspective, since I can only understand the struggles I have faced and those of the people close to me, until I learn from others.

I AM NOT PROMOTING my services. I am a coach working with parents and couples on emotional communication, and I want to get a better idea of what problems people are really facing that I can help solve, as I get ready to expand my practice and refine my approach. Sort of like market research. Any and all input is greatly appreciated :)

What is the best way to form, or say, an observation when it comes to addressing someone else’s behavior that is hurting your feelings?

For example, I have a roommate that I have been experiencing internal struggles with. Pardon my language, but she talks to me a lot, in really “condescending/sarcastic” ways. I hate to say this in this way but it’s the best I can explain right now, but she is someone who legitimately thinks she is always right and a know it all (she is really smart), and that being said, she often uses it in a way to passively exert power and control over people.

It has been affecting me bad lately.

Communicating feelings is new for me, and my therapist recommended NVC yesterday. Because lately when I’ve been trying to communicate feelings, it can come out as judgements on the other person. So far I have been looking into it and reading/youtube videos, and trying to make sense of the “making observations” for instances like this.

But I am having trouble with making an observation, that implies this tone of voice with said roommate, without it at the same time pointing fingers, or sounding like it’s inflicting blame. Especially if I want to talk about conflicts of behaviors in past tense.

Thank you all for reading and any suggestions.

My girlfriend has such a warm, empathetic, and genuine presence, and I really appreciate that about her. As her partner, I’m also learning more about the parts of her that might be vulnerable or protective. One thing she’s shared is that anger is a rare emotion for her; she’s mentioned that she almost never feels it and has even considered connecting with her brother about past family experiences in hopes of exploring it more deeply. When we first met, I did notice how incredibly nice and gentle she was, and I wondered if it might be a way of managing/masking/disassociating from emotions that she finds challenging to express.

Over time, I’ve observed that she sometimes finds it difficult to connect with others when they’re experiencing intense emotions. She freely admits that she has trouble accessing empathy if her partner is crying or coming across as emotional. Both of our mothers are borderline personality and it has caused us to not take people with emotional highs very seriously. Recently, I had a panic attack in the night, and it felt overwhelming. I have been having panic attacks for the past 2 months because my girlfriend told me that if I speak in anything other than NVC, I am causing harm to her and our relationship. I immediately internalized that I am emotionally abusive and got very down on myself. During the panic attack, I gently woke her up, hoping she might hold me, as I find physical connection really grounding in those moments. I wasn’t asking her to take away my discomfort, just to be there with me through it. If you were watching the situation, you would see me hyperventilating but not crying, asking her to hold me. I wasn't emoting onto her about the panic attack and I was not hyperventilating with no solution. I was having a severe issue and I was literally scared at how intense it felt. I was experiencing a problem and I was asking for her assistance in calming myself. She felt that I was seeking for her to fix my inner world, which wasn’t my intention. I was simply reaching out for some comfort because I felt afraid. I only recently told her that my panic attacks were rooted in the misalignment between my needs and my ability to express them safely in this relationship. She claims that she has always held space for my emotions, as long as I led with vulnerability (aka - NVC). I do not feel this is the case. There have been plenty of times where I was simply a little more quiet than her in the car, and I was told that if I cannot engage with her on the level she needs, that she experiences emotional neglect. This signals to me that even being a little more quiet is not acceptable. It signals to me that I cannot be myself and I feel terrified about what this means for us as a couple.

I also fear that her strict need to adhere to a framework of communication that gives her the linguistic guard rails against being unempathetic, that she may be using this as a way to provide cognitive empathy. I am terrified at that thought and I do not know how to explore that in my mind.

I feel a longing for us to find ways to support each other in these vulnerable moments, even if it feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable. I really care about her and hope we can both feel safe to show up fully as ourselves.

I'm wondering how, between people that are practicing it, you have adapted the teachings a little bit to fit your preferences. Or if you haven't and you have consulted nvc trainers, have you noticed differences in their approach?

I(34F) love my girlfriend(37F) deeply and care about building a supportive, lasting relationship where we both feel safe to be vulnerable. Recently, I’ve noticed that I feel most comfortable sharing my emotions in an open, honest way, even if it sometimes means just expressing how I feel without perfectly organized wording. I dont call names or freak out. I just try my best to describe how I'm feeling.

An example is one Friday, I felt excited to spend time with her because it had felt like our recent interactions had been a bit disconnected—likely because we’re both so busy. I got dressed up cute, looking forward to being close, but then I realized she didn’t know we were planning to hang out. I felt a wave of sadness and embarrassment, as though maybe she hadn’t been as interested in spending time together, even though I knew it was probably just a misunderstanding.

I ended up crying and shared with her that I felt sad and embarrassed, admitting that I was interpreting things as though she didn’t want to be around me. One of the things I said was "I feel sad and embarrassed like you dont want to hang out with me". Her response was that my words came across as if I were blaming her, which wasn’t my intention; I just wanted to express the feelings I was sitting with. What I hoped for in that moment was to be able to share my vulnerability without feeling like I needed to justify or carefully craft my words to avoid any misunderstandings. I hoped she might just hold space for me in that moment, maybe even with a hug or reassurance. The reality was that we were not able to move on with the conversation and had to table it for the next day. She felt very defensive and blamed.

Reflecting on it, I realize that when I feel restricted in how I can share my emotions, I start to feel anxious about expressing my needs at all. This is a growing pattern that I find very concerning, as I really value openness and honesty. My gf says we need to speak only in non-violent communication when we talk about emotions and needs. My hope is that, even if my words don’t always follow a specific framework like NVC, my intention to communicate with love and openness comes through. I don’t want to keep suppressing feelings to avoid tension; instead, I want us to prioritize the intention behind our words and hold space for each other, trusting that our honesty is always rooted in a desire for closeness. We do really great sometimes in our communication, but I am seeing that the need on her side is that is a "almost all of the time" kind of thing.

One compromise I thought of was that, for a little while (like a few weeks or a month), we practiced just allowing our feelings to be heard as they are, even if they aren’t perfectly stated? We are not toxic people. We do not call names or yell. I think it is important to prioritize emotions and the hyper strict framework of needing NVC 100% of the time, feels like a barrier to that. Sometimes I just need to hear that it’s okay to feel a certain way or to be reassured in that moment rather than having things explained or defended. I have read books on NVC and I am even attending a workshop on it. I truly want to get better. But the level of anxiety of not being able to share my emotions unless I can trust that I can talk about it using NVC for the large majority of the conversation, has me truly alarmed.

Is that unreasonable or maybe even harmful to ask?

I'd really love to get together with individuals or a local group to talk about and practice NVC with but I'm not sure how to find them.

Are there any websites or other ways that have worked for you to find people in your area?

Though the end of our relationship had many fights, I thought we were actually on a pretty good road. We had just lived together a very stressful professional moment, and were back from holidays that went very well.

He dumped me kinda out of the blue even if I can see why some things we lived together might have been challenging. I've read a lot and seen a therapist, and now I can see that many of his behaviours were to protect himself, and that even if that is not my way to communicate because I can be very straightforward, I am not unsettled by it anymore, that I have compassion and though still hard for me because you can't change in just six months, I am willing to do better to not hurt him. Just so you know, we still work at the same place, we don't have the same friends there but we definitely see each other. I am currently going through the process of getting a new qualification that he passed with huge success like year and if he's willing to, I'll like to have is imput.

How to communicate to him that I understand, I really do, and that the door is very much open to reconnecting if he is interested (we had a very great connexion and he showed a lot of commitment in the relationship, as well as his family welcoming me with a lot of love and care), without triggering him or making him fearful because I feel a lot of fear ?

I was the one that asked the last few months for an explanation, he agreed, and he was the one reminding me a few days ago that we had said we would talk.

I just wonder about how people deal with anger towards themselves. Like for instance if I'm angry "at" someone, I can talk to them and tell them how I feel about something specific. I would do that with someone I know I can have that conversation with that would be willing to answer to a request of mine for clarification, etc. But with yourself... how do you deal with it? Say you just are angry you aren't disciplined enough and go to bed later than you want to more often than not and you feel hopeless and angry with yourself and this bad habit. I know it sounds absurd and silly because it's about willpower and discipline too but how the heck would I go about that with my own self? I usually realize if I'm angry with myself it will manifest through self-sabotage and just a lot of feelings of hopelessness because of feeling stuck. Essentially, when it comes to inner conflicts, how do you deal with them in an NVC way and how was NVC helped you respond to your anger towards yourself?

Thanks in advance for any responses.

Explain it to me like I’m five. How do I consider someone’s feelings? Just ask them, how are you feeling? This request always puzzles me. Thanks.

On the recommendation of my meditation teacher, I am getting started with NVC. They have suggested that I look at Marshall’s talks on YouTube as they bring it to life more than the books. I have watched https://youtu.be/eF6kMJxOpvI?si=bsmLgqIC-yW-rg4G and I have got a sense of how it works. In fact, I found it very moving. I wonder if you could recommend anything else

Hi Reddit,

Trigger warning: talk about suicide

My partner [42M] and I [40F] have been together for almost 15 years, but recently, things have been really tough between us. For almost a year, my partner has barely communicated with me beyond basic household matters. Whenever I ask about their life or try to share things about mine, I'm met with one-line responses. They don’t ask how I am or show much interest in what’s going on with me.

A year ago is also around when I shared with them that I was struggling with my mental health and was feeling suicidal. They were concerned and encouraged me to tell my family, which did help. But soon after that, they stopped communicating with me like normal, only speaking about day-to-day things. I know they struggle with anxiety, which is why I've been pushing them to get help for themselves for a while now, but it’s been hard to live under the same roof with such distance between us, especially when I needed their support the most.

I've been in therapy myself for about half a year, dealing with my own issues. I eventually brought it up, even though I didn't want to be the one to initiate the conversation. They apologized and admitted that they were in the wrong, and they started therapy. We agreed to keep working on the relationship. However, a few months later, things are pretty much back to the old silent treatment. They had also stopped going to therapy after the first few sessions, and I have to admit that I haven’t made much of an effort either.

What’s really concerning me now is that I feel something has fundamentally shifted for me. I don’t trust that they’ve got my back anymore, and I’m not sure I ever will again. I find myself not wanting to put in the effort to fix things.

I'm at a point where I want to give it one last good shot to restart communication, since my partner clearly struggles with that aspect.

Specific advice I’m looking for: What steps can I take to initiate better dialogue between us and make sure both our needs are addressed? I'm unsure how to approach this again after things have fallen back into silence.

TL;DR: I [40F] have been with my partner [42M] for many years. For almost a year, communication has broken down to minimal day-to-day talk. After sharing my mental health struggles, my partner briefly started therapy, but communication has since returned to a silent treatment. I've been in therapy for half a year myself. How can I restart meaningful dialogue and ensure both of our needs are met?

Something that has come up time and again within my family context, both with the mother of my child in our conversations, but also with coaching my child in emotional conversations and conflict resolution with their best friend is the phrase "That doesn't feel like a real apology."

I don't like that term when the mom uses it on me, and I've seen that exact sentence trigger retaliation and defensiveness when my child uses it on their best friend. Specifically, I've noticed their best friend has trouble accessing her emotions and their apologies will sometimes feel flat or forced.

What would be a better way to express that sentiment as the person who received the apology, and how can I coach the best friend towards communication that feels more authentic and provides better closure for all involved?

Thanks in advance.

I've known many people who interrupt so much that it's hard for me to have a conversation with them. I figure that it would help to request what I want—for them to listen to what I or others are saying before they speak. But I'm not sure how to ask this without triggering various things I don't want, such as defensiveness or arguing about the interrupting, inhibition, feelings of shame, or metaconversation that crowds out the original topic. For many of these people, listening without interrupting might require deliberate practice; it might not be something that they can just do right then if asked.

The level of interruption I'm talking about is: usually before the other person can finish even one sentence. Some of these folks interrupt to argue, usually misunderstanding the person they're interrupting. Some of them are reminded of an anecdote and start telling it immediately, interrupting after a couple seconds and holding the floor for several minutes or more, ignoring nonverbal cues from others to yield the floor, much to the annoyance of everyone else.

I've talked about this with a few of these people over the years. Here's what they said:

• Several of them have said that they're "saving time" by interrupting to argue. When I've pointed out that they and the person they're arguing with just spent an hour repeating themselves, each annoyed that the other person isn't addressing what they're trying to get across, it didn't sink in, and they still insisted that they were saving time.

• A few people have said, "I know what the other person is going to say, so there's no point in listening to it."

• One person who interrupted to talk about somewhat unrelated things, most commonly repeating a several-minute tangent with no apparent point four times before yielding, explicitly objected to "having a point", saying that he preferred to "just talk" and claiming that no one else had a problem with him. In fact, others were very annoyed with his "pointless talking" but didn't talk with him about it and found ways to avoid him.

• Recently, one person who interrupts to argue as soon as someone starts talking, usually about matters expressed only in vague, introductory language so far, so that the interruption blocks the detail needed to understand the idea, said—with pride, I think—that this instant arguing with everything is the result of "philosophical training".

All of them seem to me oblivious to their mis- or non-understanding of what people were trying to tell them as well as to the irritation that they're triggering.

Do you have any suggestions for how to constructively request of these folks that they listen and understand before interrupting or arguing? My own need at stake has usually been to explore a topic collaboratively, often toward agreeing on a plan for something that we are working on together.

Do you know of any "good" online meeting group where one can practice nvc?

Eric Weinstein - Why Does The Modern World Make No Sense? (4K) - YouTube

I thought this would be interesting listening for NVC folks, and maybe even more interesting for us to discuss.

Related, I think sometimes in NVC practice, the compulsion to give empathy can feel like a dodge when someone has brought up an issue that's important to them and what they want is discussion of the issue and coordinated response. Kind of like...

Copilot: "We're about to stall!"
Pilot: "So when the plane is nose-up and losing speed, you feel concerned and have a need for the safety of the passengers and crew, is that right?"
Copilot: "Shut up and push on the damn yoke!"

I read the book about a year ago and tried to incorporate it into my life but as time went by I found myself shifting back into old habits, etc. I remember either in the book or in one of his lectures that I listened to, Dr. Rosenberg mentions a man who had a cue card that he would pull out to help him throughout all his interactions each day. Does anyone remember this or know what was on his cue card?

I'd like to add at the bottom that if they agree to the request, I would pause on seeking a divorce lawyer and separation, but I wouldn't want that to come across as a threat of punishment.

Observation: When you raise your voice and show signs of irritation/frustration because of something I either said or refuse to say (not something I did or didn't do)...

I feel: afraid, worried/nervous, confused, dejected, disappointed, distressed, and surprised...

Because I need: to be understood, to be seen, connection, acceptance, communication, consideration, compassion, cooperation, emotional safety, empathy, respect, and trust.

Request: Would you be willing to explore finding an individual therapist, and put in genuine effort with him or her to help work through your underlying/subconscious pain & trauma in order to develop healthier (more effective) responses to things that I say that anger you?

does anyone have any comments about the difference between gray rock and NVC as communication methods with an ex?

Hi, so I used to live with my extended family two years ago during college. I think I have a love/hate relationship with them. I love them because they’ve helped me with so many things, but I also have been hurt by my aunt’s words and actions a couple of times before. My aunt would raise her voice at me at times, scold me in front of other people, and make decisions for me (it was during COVID and I lived under her roof, so I had limited freedom). She also read my messages one time when she borrowed my phone. She didn’t want me staying up in my room alot because she wanted me to spend time with the family. She also treated me differently than she did other people. Needless to say, she crossed a lot of my boundaries but I was too scared of her and I was a huge people pleaser at the time. Eventually, I moved out, did therapy, found people who treated me better, and did some inner work to realize I NEEDED to set boundaries and recover from being a people pleaser. But still, sometimes I’d still need to meet with my family during holidays and I’d have to pretend everything was fine, when in actuality, I still have built up resentment. Cutting them off is not in the picture (Asian families always stick together) and I do still love them, my aunt is a very thoughtful, helpful and compassionate person. I just don’t know what to do with the leftover resentment—I’ve tried journaling, I’ve thought of getting self-help books on forgiveness and setting boundaries. I don’t know if telling her how I feel would be helpful, since it would be like bringing up the past? But if it is the right decision, how do I go about telling her using NVC?

A couple years ago, I came across a YouTube video in which Marshall Rosenberg pointed out that NVC or giraffe talk is actually the way we all started out communicating. He illustrates this with a made-up example: a hungry baby, instead of crying, criticizes its parents by saying something like, "What terrible parents you are! Any good parent would have had some food ready long ago. Where did you get your parent training? What a couple of incompetents! Letting your own baby sit here and starve—sheesh!" Rosenberg points out that when a baby cries, its parents understand that it's hungry and they are happy to give it food. But if a baby asked for food in jackal style, the parents might not want to.

I've been searching for this video again the last couple days in order to share it with a friend. But I haven't found it. I think it was actually an audio recording—a video with a still image as the audio plays. Do you know what video or audio recording I'm talking about? If so, can you please post a URL that I can give to my friend so she can watch it?