I'm going to preface this by saying I love my boyfriend and he is a good person and I am not going to break up with him. A lot of times on reddit, people jump to suggesting that as I'm sure everyone knows. That is not going to happen.

My boyfriend is currently depressed, I think because of work-related issues but I'm not 100% sure. I don't know how many hours per week he is working and neither does he. I've asked him to calculate it and he just won't. I think he is feeling over worked and busy because he has a laborious job. He often talks about feeling like he's always doing something. We share chores pretty equally. I cook and clean and buy groceries the same amount that he does. He also is trying to get out of another gig that he is under contract for and his boss is not a good guy. I think that is probably his main stressor. Especially because this job will take him out of state for 2 months straight starting in February if he can't get out of it. I feel so bad that is is going through this difficult situation and that he is so stressed out.

He is complaining a lot and rather aggressively. He was complaining about a client at work and calling her bitchy, which is valid but it's also just hard to hear him be so mean about someone. It's hard to be around him. I've tried to explain this to him. I think I'm doing a good job validating that he's feeling like this and that it's ok to be stressed and also that it's taking over his life. He is getting in touch with a therapist and I've encouraged him to talk to a friend as well.

To make matters worse, I just had appendectomy surgery. I'm in a lot of pain and I can't move a lot right now. He is getting sick and pulled a muscle at work the other day. Whenever he is sick, he has a really hard time and acts miserable - I have a hard enough time with it when I'm healthy. He's complaining a lot about not feeling well and having a pulled muscle. I hate that he's in pain and I feel for him and also, I literally just had surgery. It's hard to be around him acting like this and not be able to help him and meanwhile feel pretty excruciating pain myself.

I really don't know what to say to him. I'm feeling angry that he's not able to be more considerate of my feelings right now. I try to let him know I'm not as emotionally available as I am normally and that I'm struggling myself with this pain and the fact that I am immobile and my own fears about how this will affect my ability to work next week.

I think he really needs to talk with a therapist and he's working on that. It's been months I've been encouraging him to do it without being too pushy. He is just waiting to hear back from this person for scheduling. I've also tried to encourage him to talk with a friend. I just don't know what else to say to him. We talk a lot about his situation and I try so hard to be validating and helpful but after a couple months, we're just not getting anywhere.

I don't know what I need to say to him exactly that I haven't already said. I've tried to say,

"I care about you so much and I am worried about you. I see that you're unhappy and stressed and I'm really sorry you're going through this. You're in a very tough situation. I have tried to be as supportive as I can to you and I want to continue to do that. I am starting to feel drained and like I need some space. It is hard for me to see you like this and it's hard for me to be around you when you are grumpy. I can feel myself pulling away from you. I'm not trying to say this to criticize you, I want to let you know how I'm feeling for the sake of our relationship. I'm glad you're working on seeing a therapist."

I don't know, I'm on pain medication and I'm in pain and I just don't know what to do at this point. I'm not as graceful or as thoughtful as I usually am. Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. 💚

Edit: thank you so much everyone for your insight and for taking the time to read and respond. You've all said very helpful things that I am going to be thinking about and processing. Really grateful for everyone's comments. Thank you.

Hey anyone know how many days nvc approved after interview date KDu

I really love NVC in a lot of situations, but I'm struggling with how to apply it with people in my life who, to put it in non-NVC terms, seem to be unable to empathize with me. I'll use one person as an example.

I've tried laying out my "observations" for myself. For example, when I mention going through something hard, there's a person in my life who doesn't ask follow-up questions, responds with flat affect, and soon diverts the conversation back to talking about himself.

However, if I tried laying out these "observations" and "requesting" he not do them, it doesn't seem like that would address the crux of the issue for me.

Again, to use non-NVC language - there's something that just feels very off to me in how he interacts with me. I really don't think the things I say resonate with him. I don't feel like he sees me or understands how much I'm struggling. He is struggling a lot himself, so it's not clear to me whether he's unwilling or just not capable right now. But the reality is, I feel lonely in the friendship.

I know what my needs are. Connection, shared understanding, empathy, consideration. From what I know though, I don't think I'm likely to get these met in this friendship, and I'm not sure how to go forward with it. I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I'm really tired of a friendship where I almost always feel drained after interacting with him.

Is NVC still useful if the whole relationship feels off? If it seems like the differences in where we're at are likely too vast to come to a resolution that can be addressed by requests?

Thought I'd give NVC a crack with housemates leaving the kitchen messy ... Thoughts?

I have been reading about NVC and I want to take some classes and workshops. However, I am confused by all the different organizations and programs. Is there one "official" program that is recommended? If people advertise workshops and call them NVC, are they officially certified, and if so, by whom? I see that CNVC has 9-day long programs, is this a good place to start?
Any help is greatly appreciated. I am excited to get started on my NVC journey soon, thanks!

Maybe it's unlearning a few decades of generational toxicity and the usual antics, although I can't help but feel like seeing friends who go down NVC roads wind up being so porcelain with their communication that they begin to live under a glass case marked 'do not touch'.

Has anyone else had this experience?

It feels somewhat pretentious, in the sense that people who don't play by NVC rules are looked down upon by the NVC-users as lesser.

Thoughts?

Hello! I wanted to invite more people who are interested in discussing productivity to join our discord server, Compassionate Communication.

It seems to me that shifting the way we listen to our "shoulds" can make us more motivated and less overwhelmed. I'd love to have more people in the community who are wanting to bring more intention to their daily tasks so we can work on this together :)

I've also occasionally been working while on the voice chat, and it would be cool to have more people joining so we have a sense of working with a community (I'm going to be online on the coworking VC for a while after I post this).

If you're interested, please join us here and let me know how you think we can support each other!

I do really hope to don't be offensive in any way. Take on account that I'm not english mother tongue so maybe I'll not express perfectly something.

To be really brief I'm in a relation with a girl that grow up like a jackal boss. I was quite the opposite but still not so able to express what I was feeling in a perfectly giraffish. More, we do live and work together. We do circus, something that need a lot of dedication and as we do contemporary circus we do also have the theatrical part of putting your emotions on stage.

This just to give a brief image.

We often argued during the years (4 of relationship), never for reasons but only because of a bad communication. Doing research I discovered Marshall that open my eyes a lot. I shared all with her and we started to work together in the direction of improving our communication and our self empathy and listening.

I can say that I'm a bit more "advanced" because I did already plenty of research on the argument, i come from a very empathetic family and also some years ago without knowing Marshall I recognised that I have some communication problem and I decided to live 2 years alone to know myself better.

This help me in helping her when sometimes she don't find words or she block herself from expressing what she feels. In general, I'm really glad of everything Marshall is giving to our relationship, I do feel like someone watching a newborn coming to world every time she alone reach a conclusion, express to me something about herself that she didn't know or she didn't see until that moment. I'm not mentioning so much about my personal discoveries but I'm still learning a lot too on myself and on how I do express myself.

The problem is in the week before her menstruation. There, she just can't stand her own emotions. She do feel angry but without being conscious, so she answer me bad and with acid to anything with no reason. I do see this sometimes and try to help her making jokes, asking if she would like to take a day off, but she's completely disconnected from herself. I saw her on the edge of a panic attack for things that normally she would do without even thinking and when I try to tell her she feel criticisms, she put a lot of judgement that I never said, she accuse me of being the problem. When I ask her how she feel she just answer like "fine, what's your problem?" and I do know that's not true. Problem is that in circus this is also dangerous, you can't train without being conscious because it is a moment to hurt you really bad.

Only after this week end she "apologise" (she do apologise a lot for everything, we're working also on that) telling me that were just hormones, that all those emotional state where "fake" or "illusory", but I'm kinda devastated anyway because even if for her is just an emotional rollercoaster, I can't stand all those lows moments without starting to accusing. I'm not perfect, I've a lot of work to do for myself and I'm also in charge of looking for works, place to live, organize our transfers, our creations, train myself, grow up and maybe in some moment I would even love to relax a bit. This week is devastating for me as all the time that I give her is time lose for me (and us as circus company).

I asked her to don't work together those days as I'm not able to sustain them and my mental health but she told me that she feels like a failure in not working because of that. She always told me that she HAS to work and I'm trying to explain her that this obligation that she put on herself is violent in her and in mine regards.

How can I save myself from those days without making her feel worst?

It is horrible to me because being a guy I can try to imagine but I would NEVER really understand what it means to be driven from emotions that aren't "real" but just products of hormones, so I can't find a working strategy.

Every tip will be welcome!!

P.s. "to be really brief"

“I’m feeling uneasy with your ‘okay.’ I wish I could trust it, but I really don’t. I’d like you to take a moment and tell me whether it would meet your needs to do as I requested.”

1:45:30

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=l7TONauJGfc

New Podcast Episode !!

https://open.spotify.com/episode/1IM3NBeNpAIN5fU1S9XTw6?si=4FTmtCqgS5ScvYVDnqJWvg&t=3

Tap to Listen🎧⬆️

Does anyone moderate it, because I see lots of people making posts that belong in AITA or AIO but have very little to do with NVC.

Even worse I see lots of people responding in kind.. offering free instant diagnoses (which Marshall was very much against) and little empathy or teaching.

Oh well, cya in a few months.

I would like to introduce some of the young staffers in our nonprofit to NVC and was wondering if anyone has videos to recommend that are available online.

I have been listening to some podcast about building community, and one of the shows talked about how online culture has made it easier to be dismissive and judgmental, since you don’t have to look the person you are addressing in the eye. So perhaps younger professionals don’t have lifelong experience of getting along with groups of people.

This person is my dad. I just had an argument with him. I feel exhausted and disappointed and sad because I really wish he could communicate with me differently when he's angry instead of making assumptions about me and judging me - he called me arrogant, he called me someone who thinks they're smarter than other people, he said I have no humility or curiosity or empathy when I didn't show interest and was asking questions (mostly whys) about something he thought was an opportunity for me that I didn't think would be because it's not in the field I want to go in. He called me things I really don't relate to and don't think. I am definitely not smarter than other people nor do I think so or act like I am, and I have a lot not figured out yet. My disinterest in talking to someone from another field comes from a place of knowing I don't belong in that field -knowing I have no interest or skills for it -not of arrogance. But I don't think he understands and feels controlling with his judgmental words. When I would call him out by saying can you please stop using judgmental language he would get very pissed off and start saying here we go again, you're judging once again what have I done wrong. I see him as judging me- because he shows me with his words. He doesn't seem to understand how it's hurtful and thinks I'm trying to change the topic.

I've been living with this all my life and have never understood how to solve this communication problem with him. It brings me some grief (used to be a lot more before learning some NVC) and I often feel isolated because unfortunately I avoid talking with him about my life because I feel like I can see how easily it can derail and go off into a bad tangent and I don't want to ruin my day. That may be selfish of me, but I feel a need for a peaceful conversation where someone is interested in what I want and feel and doesn't judge me insyead.

I know what he needs and wants is to be helpful for me because he values me but I just - I am not at the stage where I can ignore the fact that if I oppose myself to an idea I get heavily judged, and if I call him out for it, he acts like a victim and judges me even worse.

What would you do if you were in my position?

PS.This is a phenomenon that's been happening throughout all of my life. He acts like a victim when I call him out for his judgmental language (in this case when he brings out an opportunity that I know is not for me) - and then ends up judging me even more. But it's even more of an issue now that I'm finding my way through life post college.

I can't "feel" disrespected but I can have a need for respect, right? Or can that be dissected into more core feelings? Like regard, dignity, consideration. Please help me think about this.

I enjoy it, i cant explain why, maybe its the power, control or the fact that i know im good enough to do that to someone and not only do that but get away with it.

I enjoy physical violence sometimes im angry at someone when i fight and sometimes i just enjoy the fight itself or other times i dont even fight them physically and i enjoy the power over them emotionally to watch them break down and know i have the power in the situation especially when they see it as a competative standoff trying to humilate me in return and i ruin them.

Im aware this is bad but i cant fight the urge even though ive tried to cut down on it. Usually i prefer men over women as victims and ive never liked the thought of physically hurting a women aside from sexually nor have i ever actually hit a women.

Sometimes when i see somebody in that state i will feel powerful, other times i want to belittle and degrade them, sometimes i feel genuinley sick to my stomoch that a person could be like that and on some occasions more often with girls i get the urge to comfort them rather than degrade them at all.

I feel empathy sometimes but its rare, sometimes if i see somebody broken theres a chance id feel some or if i see someone whos partner cheated or if someone tells me they hear sexual things in their parents room id feel the same revolted and heavy eyes feeling as them just usually dulled down slightly in comparison as if it happened to me.

I dont know how to stop feeling this way, i recognise its wrong and can get me in bad places but how do i stop enjoying it? I enjoy being a nice person aswell but it makes me feel like a tool as if im being used if i become too kind or giving it feels like im losing control and enjoyment in my life.

Our first episode dives into how unmet needs fuel emotions like anger and depression, inspired by Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication.

Listen here: https://open.spotify.com/show/2gf0Fqa1nDlMwIQqjPv1lA

Hi all, I have been trying to incorporate NVC into my communication for many years now (professionally and personally). However, I really struggle when it comes to communicating with my husband. If I start a conversation with "I feel/I'm feeling" I can immediately sense his alarm bells going off. He had a challenging upbringing where feelings weren't discussed and I know big/negative emotions make him uncomfortable.

The challenge I am experiencing is with our differences in parenting, and emotional regulation in general. His parenting style involves yelling, empty threats ("we wont go if you don't stop", "I'll take away your toys if you don't clean them up"), rolling his eyes when they try to express their feelings, etc.

I want to approach him about his parenting methods but I don't know how. I have read just about every parenting book under the sun and studied child development in Uni. I feel very confident (most days) about parenting and have done the majority of it on my own. However, he is often criticizing my parenting methods openly in front of our children and telling me they are going to turn out poorly because of my approach.

I would love some advice or a script or resources or something. I don't even really know what it is I want to communicate that would help to improve the situation. It seems like such a huge thing for someone to accept and change about themself.

When I've looked on other subreddits the advice is always to "record the person" or make ultimatums but I know thats not going to result in healthy communication.

I’m looking for a program or course I can enroll in with my husband. We work with a marriage counselor already but it’s not doing enough to help us communicate and understand each other. Any help is appreciated

I'll try to be brief. My wife was at the gym, I gave the kids dinner and put them to bed. Then I was relaxing when my wife got home. I saw a mess I forgot to clean and was telling her what happened. As I told her, she cleaned the mess herself (I would have done so had she not, I had just forgotten until then). She told me she is always cleaning and the gym is her only break from it so when she comes home and there are messes she feels frustrated. Ultimately it escalated into a fight (I'm new to NVC, my wife is uninitiated, there was a lot of anger and not much communicating needs). She later messaged me some very long messages ultimately saying "I don't do a lot, I don't hold value, I'm never enough." I think that's what she thinks I think. But I know I'm supposed to hear feelings and needs instead of thoughts. How would you respond in this situation?

I’m curious about some of the most common and difficult things facing parents and couples with regard to communication. I’m keeping it open-ended on purpose to just hear from people and get some perspective, since I can only understand the struggles I have faced and those of the people close to me, until I learn from others.

I AM NOT PROMOTING my services. I am a coach working with parents and couples on emotional communication, and I want to get a better idea of what problems people are really facing that I can help solve, as I get ready to expand my practice and refine my approach. Sort of like market research. Any and all input is greatly appreciated :)

What is the best way to form, or say, an observation when it comes to addressing someone else’s behavior that is hurting your feelings?

For example, I have a roommate that I have been experiencing internal struggles with. Pardon my language, but she talks to me a lot, in really “condescending/sarcastic” ways. I hate to say this in this way but it’s the best I can explain right now, but she is someone who legitimately thinks she is always right and a know it all (she is really smart), and that being said, she often uses it in a way to passively exert power and control over people.

It has been affecting me bad lately.

Communicating feelings is new for me, and my therapist recommended NVC yesterday. Because lately when I’ve been trying to communicate feelings, it can come out as judgements on the other person. So far I have been looking into it and reading/youtube videos, and trying to make sense of the “making observations” for instances like this.

But I am having trouble with making an observation, that implies this tone of voice with said roommate, without it at the same time pointing fingers, or sounding like it’s inflicting blame. Especially if I want to talk about conflicts of behaviors in past tense.

Thank you all for reading and any suggestions.

My girlfriend has such a warm, empathetic, and genuine presence, and I really appreciate that about her. As her partner, I’m also learning more about the parts of her that might be vulnerable or protective. One thing she’s shared is that anger is a rare emotion for her; she’s mentioned that she almost never feels it and has even considered connecting with her brother about past family experiences in hopes of exploring it more deeply. When we first met, I did notice how incredibly nice and gentle she was, and I wondered if it might be a way of managing/masking/disassociating from emotions that she finds challenging to express.

Over time, I’ve observed that she sometimes finds it difficult to connect with others when they’re experiencing intense emotions. She freely admits that she has trouble accessing empathy if her partner is crying or coming across as emotional. Both of our mothers are borderline personality and it has caused us to not take people with emotional highs very seriously. Recently, I had a panic attack in the night, and it felt overwhelming. I have been having panic attacks for the past 2 months because my girlfriend told me that if I speak in anything other than NVC, I am causing harm to her and our relationship. I immediately internalized that I am emotionally abusive and got very down on myself. During the panic attack, I gently woke her up, hoping she might hold me, as I find physical connection really grounding in those moments. I wasn’t asking her to take away my discomfort, just to be there with me through it. If you were watching the situation, you would see me hyperventilating but not crying, asking her to hold me. I wasn't emoting onto her about the panic attack and I was not hyperventilating with no solution. I was having a severe issue and I was literally scared at how intense it felt. I was experiencing a problem and I was asking for her assistance in calming myself. She felt that I was seeking for her to fix my inner world, which wasn’t my intention. I was simply reaching out for some comfort because I felt afraid. I only recently told her that my panic attacks were rooted in the misalignment between my needs and my ability to express them safely in this relationship. She claims that she has always held space for my emotions, as long as I led with vulnerability (aka - NVC). I do not feel this is the case. There have been plenty of times where I was simply a little more quiet than her in the car, and I was told that if I cannot engage with her on the level she needs, that she experiences emotional neglect. This signals to me that even being a little more quiet is not acceptable. It signals to me that I cannot be myself and I feel terrified about what this means for us as a couple.

I also fear that her strict need to adhere to a framework of communication that gives her the linguistic guard rails against being unempathetic, that she may be using this as a way to provide cognitive empathy. I am terrified at that thought and I do not know how to explore that in my mind.

I feel a longing for us to find ways to support each other in these vulnerable moments, even if it feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable. I really care about her and hope we can both feel safe to show up fully as ourselves.

I'm wondering how, between people that are practicing it, you have adapted the teachings a little bit to fit your preferences. Or if you haven't and you have consulted nvc trainers, have you noticed differences in their approach?

I(34F) love my girlfriend(37F) deeply and care about building a supportive, lasting relationship where we both feel safe to be vulnerable. Recently, I’ve noticed that I feel most comfortable sharing my emotions in an open, honest way, even if it sometimes means just expressing how I feel without perfectly organized wording. I dont call names or freak out. I just try my best to describe how I'm feeling.

An example is one Friday, I felt excited to spend time with her because it had felt like our recent interactions had been a bit disconnected—likely because we’re both so busy. I got dressed up cute, looking forward to being close, but then I realized she didn’t know we were planning to hang out. I felt a wave of sadness and embarrassment, as though maybe she hadn’t been as interested in spending time together, even though I knew it was probably just a misunderstanding.

I ended up crying and shared with her that I felt sad and embarrassed, admitting that I was interpreting things as though she didn’t want to be around me. One of the things I said was "I feel sad and embarrassed like you dont want to hang out with me". Her response was that my words came across as if I were blaming her, which wasn’t my intention; I just wanted to express the feelings I was sitting with. What I hoped for in that moment was to be able to share my vulnerability without feeling like I needed to justify or carefully craft my words to avoid any misunderstandings. I hoped she might just hold space for me in that moment, maybe even with a hug or reassurance. The reality was that we were not able to move on with the conversation and had to table it for the next day. She felt very defensive and blamed.

Reflecting on it, I realize that when I feel restricted in how I can share my emotions, I start to feel anxious about expressing my needs at all. This is a growing pattern that I find very concerning, as I really value openness and honesty. My gf says we need to speak only in non-violent communication when we talk about emotions and needs. My hope is that, even if my words don’t always follow a specific framework like NVC, my intention to communicate with love and openness comes through. I don’t want to keep suppressing feelings to avoid tension; instead, I want us to prioritize the intention behind our words and hold space for each other, trusting that our honesty is always rooted in a desire for closeness. We do really great sometimes in our communication, but I am seeing that the need on her side is that is a "almost all of the time" kind of thing.

One compromise I thought of was that, for a little while (like a few weeks or a month), we practiced just allowing our feelings to be heard as they are, even if they aren’t perfectly stated? We are not toxic people. We do not call names or yell. I think it is important to prioritize emotions and the hyper strict framework of needing NVC 100% of the time, feels like a barrier to that. Sometimes I just need to hear that it’s okay to feel a certain way or to be reassured in that moment rather than having things explained or defended. I have read books on NVC and I am even attending a workshop on it. I truly want to get better. But the level of anxiety of not being able to share my emotions unless I can trust that I can talk about it using NVC for the large majority of the conversation, has me truly alarmed.

Is that unreasonable or maybe even harmful to ask?