I would like to know if there was a support group on whatsapp where we can support each other, share advice and ask whatever we need about this topic? I think it would be helpful to a lot of people! If there are such groups, I'd like to be added. ^•^

Hey everyone, I’m new to the sub and the mono/poly life in general.

A bit of back story- I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my fiancé for 5 years. 2 years ago he approached me with the conversation of trying polyamory. To be honest, I did not handle it well and had a bit of a mental health crisis. We put it on the back burner for about 2 years. 2 years in which he spent exploring his sexuality, we would periodically have conversations about trying and I was open to the idea. In those 2 years I have done zero research- which, I should have. I should have tried to see other people’s experiences and how they handled being the mono in a relationship. Last week he brought up the topic again and we agreed to try to app FEELD. Him downloading the app didn’t upset me. Now that he’s speaking to someone casually, I’m all over the place. In my heart, I’m not that upset, I’m sort of ok with it? But (I have chronic anxiety and MDD) my brain is driving me crazy. I’m feeling so insecure, having anxiety through the roof and am having a hard time with change in general. He has been patient and kind with me every step of the way and has let me cry to him when I get worked up. He offered to stay monogamous, but I feel incredibly guilty. A lot of the issues we are having is totally caused by my chronic overthinking and I’m aware of it, but am having issues shutting it down. I would like to add, that we both come from extremely conservative upbringings and have been working together to deconstruct our thinking. While growing up, I’ve known nothing but suppression so this part of me isn’t something I had ever thought could/would be explored.

I don’t want him to stuff himself back into the closet. The pain in his eyes when he mentioned going mono breaks my heart, but I just don’t know how I can cope with this change. Will it get better? Fellow monos, how did you go from a mono to a mono/poly relationship?

Please excuse any typos or grammar errors.

So I am mono dating a Poly person. When we started dating they did make it clear that sex was not something they were looking for in another person besides me. I have some sexual issues that I am working through with my therapist, We’ve done a few sexual stuff whenever I visit them. Today our conversation seemed off and I decided to look through there socials and found nothing. When I told my friend about this he logged on to Grindr and sniffies, and BAM! We saw they had made a profile for sex only and hosting. Should I confront them about it or should I let it go?

Background: M (55) F (53), together for 30 years, two grown up kids.

We have a mostly happy relationship and really enjoy each other’s company. I want to explore polyamory or at least ENM or an open relationship. She is completely against it. When I brought up the subject three years ago it caused a major crisis in the relationship. We worked through it. She’s more important than anything to me so I resigned myself to live a monogamous life style.

That didn’t work, I got depressed and lost all libido. So she suggested a compromise; I can chat and meet with women and have emotionally intimate relationships with them. I can go out by myself once a week and I can go to clubs without her once a month. The restriction is that I can’t have sex with other women (defined as kissing or more). Please note, this was her suggestion. For me, being depressed with her is much preferable to a life without her.

This was two years ago. It was tough in the beginning but it’s gotten better. Our relationship has become stronger, we’re closer, more loving and more intimate than I think we’ve ever been.

But we recently had a conversation and she says she still struggles when I’m away.

I tell her she’s enough, because I truly don’t want her to change. She’s perfect. She knows I love her and that I want to live and grow old with her. She does trust that I won’t cheat on her. But this is her rational side. On an emotional level she still worries.

I don’t think going back to how things were before is a solution, I’d just get depressed. But I want to help her feel more secure and safe. I don’t want her to struggle the way she does when I’m away.

Any thoughts?

Throwaway account since he knows my main and it would hurt him to read this. I'm venting mostly, I'm open to advice though.

The title basically. I wished I asked for a mono relationship at the beginning instead of trying to give poly a chance. I didn't because I was scared he'd reject me then, but goddamn I still wish I asked it. Perhaps he might've said yes. Perhaps he might've rejected me. Either would be easier than what's happening now.

He has a taste of what it's like to have us both, he doesn't want to give that up. He said I'd have to leave him if we ever were to break up. I don't want to. I just want him to leave them. Why can't I be enough, why can't he let me be enough? I don't want to be tied, I want to be first. I want to be different.

I don't want to break up. He's everything to me, I would be utterly destroyed by it and he would be too. I just want him to love me as wholely as I love him.

I swore to myself I wouldn't make him choose. I wish I didn't. I wish I could let myself be selfish and ask.

Not sure where to post this but I'm taking a chance and posting it here. I dated J for 3 years and lived together for 2. We broke up years ago but remained friends. We were Mono but they've come out as Poly since then.

In 2022 I had a bad injury and J came to help me for about 2 weeks. My recovery was difficult and I needed the help. I didn't ask but they offered. At the time I wavered between that is so kind of them to do vs they did it because a plane ticket to see me was cheaper then an airbnb (bc they were moving apts so had no where to stay until they moved into a new place.) I know I have trust issues.

Then a few months ago as we were chatting J offered to pay for a ticket for me to go visit them. On the trip they paid for everything. I got introduced to J's partners and friends. I loved everyone except for 1 of their partners. I thought they were too needy, too talkative and wanted to spend the majority of the time I was there with us even though they have a NP and children (just added for context as in they had other people to hang with and other things to do.)

Now that I'm back from the trip J has basically ignored me. I text them and they send a thumbs up emoji or a short sentence or 50% of the time no response at all so there is no talking it over. Non communication is 1 of the main reasons we broke up. Idk how they are poly because their communication skills can be lacking or maybe it is just with me.

While I was there we cuddled. kissed and tried to have sex (They lost their erection after a few mins of penatration.) They initiated the sex by putting my hand on their sexual organs. The 2nd reason we broke up was lack of sex for a year (we were mono so as far as I know there were no other parties involved.)

I want to know why can't J perform with me? Am I that gross that they'd lose an erection? Is J not communicating because they're embarrassed? Or are they mad because I said I didn't want to hang out with 1 of their partners (I liked the others very much)? Or is this a *love bombing manipulation? I don't want to keep texting or call and get rejected. I know I know J has the only answers to my questions.

I know I know I should just let it go. Block their number and forget about them. I just wanted feedback I guess that I'm not crazy. That they seem NOT into me now but they seemed into me before? Or were they just trying to be nice? Trying to pay me back, in a way, because I helped raise their daughter and basically supported us during our relationship. Or is it the love bombing manipulation (not sure what the end result they'd want is)? Or is it because we seemed to fall back into a relationship and J didn't want that since it was Mono before and they only want Poly?

*Love Bombing ex. paying for trip and all expenses, telling everyone I'm not just an ex I'm family, telling me I can't get rid of them because we're family so I'm stuck with them (we have no children together), telling others they was trying to convince me to move where they are (even in jest it's a lil sus especially since they posted it on social media too) but then later on saying you don't want to move here, saying we are good together (like a question wanting me to reassure them thay i thought we were good together) on several occasions, telling people I'm like a step parent to their child, in jest J saying "This is why I married them" bc we finish each other's sentences, I know the foods they like and we're generally in sync (no we weren't married but I thought I wanted to be.), telling me often they love me.

Please be gentle in your response and critique. TIA

Sorry for this long one ramble, im just trying to make sense of it.

I (mono) was content with dating other people, and seeing how things go. All my previous relationships have been mono.

I met this girl and we hit it off, flirting and then eventually started texting, then eventually meeting and hooking up. As we talked more, she shares she's poly/open and is emotionally unavailable, and doesn't want a relationship and just wanted casual stuff. I was okay with that, being where I was at that time in my life, and agreed to continue seeing each other for casual/fwb situation.

I never really taught about our relationship outside being casual and sexual. But as it grew consistent; seeing her weekly, her asking if she could spend the night or me offering the same. We shared vulnerabilities and intimacy with each other. After the first few months we were doing this, I noticed I started to develop feelings for her but decided to against it. As I spent more time with her, I got to know her better and she shared her past experiences, her traumas and plans for the future, sometimes me being in it. With all this happening, at the same time she is saying she doesn't want a relationship that I'm free to see other people. We eventually got to the talk about how many people were seeing and if we needed sti tests, turns out we weren't seeing anyone else.

Several months in, I needed to move and look for a new apartment, so I jokingly asked if she'd have me at my place her place as I look for a new apartment, and she agreed. I lived with her for over a month, and it seemed to be good, we were constantly in each others presence and talked everyday. We got along well, happy for each other's company but it was not with trouble on how chores were done in the house and not being used to having a lover daily. I think that's what sealed the deal for me, that I loved her and I saw a future that I want to make real. We still weren't seeing anyone else and we were closer than ever, even to her saying that I bring her peace when she and that I quiet her mind and that she sleeps peaceful when im beside her, she used to have troubles sleeping at night. With all those things in mind, I asked her to try and see where we can take our relationship to, see if there's a good middle to her and mine.

She reluctantly agreed to try, and that was the time I found an apartment and had to leave her place to move to my nee one. And as I left, she started her tinder again, reached out or reconnected to all her previous partners. Not even left the town yet, she already had someone in her bed. I thought I was ready for it, but it was so sudden, the rate and quantity of people she let in. And I stressed out and spiraled because of it. I read books and consumed polyam information to get a better understanding and she validated me as well, saying what she does doesn't take away anything from what we have. That our relationship isn't diminished because she is seeing and seeking all the other people in her life.

I became a little more understanding of her lifestyle and I thought I'd be okay with it. I wanted to know what was happening so I can process and act accordingly. It helped me in a way. And then another new-to-me situation would arise and the stress and spiral would start all over again. As she validates me, she would end up saying that my emotions are my own and I should have better control for it or that "I'm sorry you feel that way about my actions, but I'm not sorry for what I'm doing." Went on for a few months more. But in between those months she told me some memorable things like "I saw a few people checking me out and i could've gone with them but choose to be with you tonight"; "I have like 3 people that I can have here or even be along, but I asked you to be here."; "Talking to you made me realize what a close friends you are, i think you might be one of my best friends."; "If i ever changed my mind about kids, I would like you to be the father of my children."; "were not just fwb, our relationship is more than that, im sharing you my soul and my future" and "i love you". The last incident that broke it was when we spent all weekends together for a month and then she chose to spend all her weekend for the next month with someone else and maybe she'll see me in between those weeks, if she has the time. This broke me, but I tired to understand the situation. One weekend, she asked me to take care of her farm for money, as she goes on a weekend trip with her other partners. I lost it then, and she eventually got tired of talking and trying and she broke it off. I said we can work on it, and she decided to go no contact for a month as she does all her trips with her other partners. Upon returning, she realized that I was too much work and that her partners were easy and relaxing and didn't want to work on us anymore. And left me at that. I was a mess and brought me to a low and dark place I never thought i could be in.

Again, I apologize for the big wall of text. I'm just trying to process what happened, did I push too hard? Was i wrong to ask her of a relationship when she said she didn't want one and was emotionally unavailable. I was a wreck and still trying to cope from it.

I'm a monogamous male (25). From early on, my gf (21) let me know that she was poly. I hadn't dated in years and didn't know what poly meant but I gave it a shot anyway. Those first few months were torture since she had a casual partner while dating me. I should've taken that as a sign to move on. But I was sure of my love for her after 5 months or so of compromise. She didn't feel the same way until around the 7 month mark. After her casual partner broke things off, we were basically in a monogamous relationship. Not by her choice; she didn't meet anyone who stood out. That is, until recently.

She started talking to another poly guy for 2 months or so. He has his own gf and casually has sex with other women. I was trying my best to compromise my own feelings to support her but I just couldn't... She went on a date with him and they had sex. I was devastated. In my mind, a first date is to get to know someone in person but she explained that when she has a good connection with someone, sex is gonna happen. I wanted to have a talk with her about where our relationship is at and how we could move forward but she told me the conversation was making her anxious and she needs a week of space...

So here I am typing this at 3 in the morning. Haven't been able to sleep, occasionally crying and can't stop thinking about her and what we had... My heart literally hurts and I wish her and I could work things out but I don't think we can. I keep replaying the fact that she basically said he's more compatible with her than I am. What's the point in staying together if their relationship superceded ours in such a short amount of time? When the week is up, we're gonna meet and discuss us but it's about time I let her go. I don't deserve to be treated like the past year meant nothing. I know that polyamory means having multiple distinct relationships but to me there'll always be a priority towards some partners more than others. I don't think I can watch what we built devolve into something less.

I know that she loves me in her own way but I need that added security. Sometimes I wish our relationship styles aligned because we're compatible in every other aspect but this. And if there's one thing this relationship taught me, is that I can't try to be something I'm not for the sake of someone else. Maybe we were meant to be together to learn from it. I needed to get better at knowing my wants and needs. She needed some stability to form meaningful poly relationships. The heartache from our separation is something I'm not looking forward to experiencing in full swing. But it gives me a bit of comfort knowing we'll be alright after.

So like all of you, I have a very long story to tell.

I’ll try to keep it as short as I can but yeah haha it’s quite involved.

10 years ago, I was on tour with my band and one early evening, I met some one who I felt very drawn to. Earlier that day, I randomly said to myself, “I need my ((name))”. Hours later, this girl had that name. She also felt very drawn to me. I was 26, she was 22. And so began a 2 year long distance relationship. We were able to see each other for a few days every month because we were only a 6 hour drive apart.

We made music videos together, had many romantic times, and we just generally had a cool relationship. Some of my friends for some reason, didn’t like her. They kind of pushed me to break up with her, and I ended up doing that. But I always felt drawn back to her so we got back together. And then we broke up again, I don’t even remember why. And THEN back together, this time, she moved in with me from where she was currently living two states away.

For some reason while living with her, the break up make up happened again. I blame myself for being young, stupid, and an overthinker. Nothing was even happening. We ended up moving to a house in my hometown.

Several months later, I guess I was tired of her or something. I seriously don’t remember. I was deep into the rock n roll lifestyle of partying and drinking too much. At no point in this story will I claim to be completely rock solid as a person. I met some one else, and wanted to be with her. So I broke up with my gf yet again, this time, for 5 years.

We remained friends over the years, and both of us were pretty comfortable in our respective relationships. Well, sort of. The new girl I had turned out to be pretty abusive to me. Silent treatments, freak outs, anxious attachment type stuff. I stuck it out. And then…she had sex with my drummer, later saying that he groomed her and SA’d her. I found out the total truth in little segments, and it destroyed me, my friendships, and my band. Still, I took her side and continued to stick it out.

One day she told me that I could have a “free pass” to have sex with some one if I wanted to. I declined. She started even suggesting an open relationship, because she wanted to have sex with my former drummer more even though she claimed he…did that to her. I was firmly against it and that was that.

Months later, I did a show with my ex gf. She’s a performer too, and became quite popular and good at it. Something about that night flooded my mind with memories of our past together. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I told her, and because she and her current partner had an open relationship (that she never acted on), we could make it happen. I used my free pass.

Despite my gf saying it was ok, she lost her mind about it…which, I understand. She wanted me to stop talking to my ex, and I did try. Months later, my ex told me she hooked up with a “vanilla white dude” and it aroused a beast of jealousy within me. She told me she was trying to make me jealous when I asked why she was telling me about it. I became despondent and didn’t know what to do. I broke up with my gf, and pursued my ex once again.

We were very passionate and clearly falling back in love with each other. At one point she told me that she had taken a step back from the Vanilla guy, and that was the last I knew. She still had her main partner which she lived with, but they never had sex, and I knew they’d break up eventually.

Months later, she and I are on a nice long trip together. One morning, it comes out that she is still with Vanilla, and another person, and she’s actually partners with the guy.

I was blindsided and thought that stuff had ended. Turns out, on all of our trips and all the stuff we did together, she was having sex with two other people. I told her that I couldn’t do it. I confessed my love for her and told her I would marry her tomorrow if I could.

She wasn’t going to leave all those people for me, and said we could date, it would just “look different”. Every time I stayed away, she would reel me back in. I had fallen hard, and it was too late for me to go back once she revealed the truth. We took a month apart, and I pined for her. She sort of made me think that she’d eventually just be with me, and I held onto it.

I convinced myself to be in a poly situation with her because I wanted to be with her so badly. I moved up to the city she was in to be closer to her. Isolated and away from my friends and bandmates, I suffered tremendously. I kept telling her I can’t do it, and she wouldn’t let me go. Not that I truly wanted her to.

Eventually, she and her main partner broke up, and the other one got married and stopped being poly all together. So now it was just me, her, and Vanilla.

We were on a trip to see her fam over the holidays, which i was reluctant to do because I couldn’t deal with the situation, and told her so. While driving to see them, she told me she’d “phase him out” and said “how long can you last”.

After we get back, it’s business as usual when she lies to me about going to hang out with him and his other partner. I find out, and I get really upset. Over this time period I have become so depressed and anxious that I become suicidal. I put myself into a psych ward.

She is very concerned, and she and him “take a step back”, but never informs me when they go back to normal. This entire year I have monthly blow ups about it all. A few months after the psych ward, she stops having sex with him, and then a bit after that, they break up.

I’m still extremely anxious about it all. There were times she agreed to him not spending the night, and then “forgot” that we decided that. Then, we get engaged. I know, it’s crazy. A month later he crashes on her couch a couple times, which I found out later. I guess jn her mind, it didn’t count because he wasn’t in bed with her.

She kept our engagement from him, and I urged her to tell him, because from what I can tell, he still thinks they are still together. He freaked out. He said all sorts of things, essentially saying that she shouldn’t marry me and that she never asked him if he was interested in that. It’s been two months, and they haven’t talked about it again.

They’re “best friends” now. They have a music project together.

Even though they’re broken up, I’m constantly suspicious. She’s left out huge details before to “protect” me, so why wouldn’t she do it again? She’s had a sex dream with him, has sexual thoughts about him, they both want to still be together.

I feel like trash. Like I’m just in the way. She says she’s “chosen” me and has always loved me, reassures me all the time, but I just feel so messed up about it all. There’s a ton more to the story, of course.

I’m in her bed right now, and I’m going to take my anti depressants and anxiety pills to make myself fall asleep. My mind is a constant battle ground of comparisons, competition, jealousy, inadequacy, and sadness. We are about to start couples therapy.

Another thing, she has events all the time. Popular ones at that. I can’t go to many of them because he’s there. Because I’ll be upset if I see him. I’ve been mean to him a few times. So I just stay home, often times in her bed, and feel worried that they’re holding hands and being close yadda yadda.

I’ve become a shell of my former self. I’m far from perfect, but I’ve never experienced constant anxiety like this in a relationship. My issues with it end up getting blamed on me having poor mental health and CPTSD, but…I know that it’s this situation making me insane.

Our times together are generally great, but I’m at the point where my worry overshadows the good stuff. Even though they aren’t together. It strangely hasn’t made it that much better and I thought it would. But she still has feelings for him, and spends time with him. She’s pushed him aside and completely has prioritized me, but it’s like it’s not enough.

Ok yeah sorry this is so sickeningly long…but. Idk. I need help. I don’t want to lose her but I’m far past losing my mind at this point.

So I have been poly for thr past few years and met my current partner while i was single. We got involved and they expressed the desire to be mono. After much conversation and conflicts I was the one who made the jump from poly to mono to be with them. Now 1. They cant seem to acceot that I did that. 2. Everything seems to be an issue even if it is as simple as everytime i go hang out with friends or have someone over (i am very intoverted and have very little socisl life) it seems to be a big issue. If i show platonic affection for someone it seen by them as soft launch into poly behavior even when I tell them repeatedly it isnt. 3. I underdtand we both have wounds but i may have changed my relationship style for them but i wont change my world view. I see no issue in showing friends affection or having them sleep over even if they have to sleep in the same bed as me if i have nowhere else (this is rare i have sleep issues so i avoid it at all costs but its more the principle than anything)... maybe that is because i was raised female and transitioned to non binary but regardless. I am tired of having to "fight" bc the think every little thing i do is a threat.

Am I being unreasonable?

Hi!!! I’m back again, I truly want to bring the best version of my relationship with my poly partner. I’m completely mono though my partner said they wouldn’t care if I did have partners or sexual relations or etc but honestly that hasn’t really interest me.

With a previous post I am dealing with jealousy, and someone suggested that it won’t get easier but that I need to garnish coping mechanism or skills regarding this. I just wonder if there is anyone who can share stuff that works for them.

Hi I (22nb) have recently this year been dating someone who is poly and I want to state I am mono, and I know there are dynamics like this in the poly community, but I’m adjusting a lot to the changes and the difference of dynamics compared to my past relationships. Well when we dated we were mono but they weren’t comfortable being monogamous and already had interest in someone they had become friends with on a date app before meeting me. So we opened the relationship after several hard conversations and expectations.

With that being explained, I’m new to polyamory and have been dealing with jealousy and I know it stems from my insecurities that I need to work on but also me and my partner when we were working on opening the relationship, we took a week of space (not a break) because we were going through hardships and needed to cool off before coming back and discussing what we wanted from the relationship.

Well at the end of the week my partner kissed someone they had of interest which I didn’t know they were interested In this person and told me right away. Reason they said they did it was because they thought (irrationally) that our relationship was gonna end but they feel completely guilty. Well at first when I got hit with the news I was mad but calm afterwards cause a kiss isn’t terrible to me, yes it’s still cheating but I wasn’t mad about that tbh. Well at least not in the moment. Anyways we worked on the relationship and opened it and when I found out the kiss, I did say if we wanted to continue I would need them to limit contact with that person and not pursue a relationship with them. Well my partner didn’t like that, and said it wasn’t fair because they felt connected and they felt bad but they didn’t not want to pursue that person in the future. I caved in and basically said to limit flirting or anything and hold off on the relationship until we were good. 

   Well months have gone since that and I will note my mental health has been dog shit so all of my insecurities and confidence in me and our relationship has been not great. Recently my partner planned to see that person that they cheated on me with because they are dating but not official and I will say the person is very nice and absolutely no hate to them. But I feel like I’m jealous a lot more that their relationship has increased, and I think they are planning or already had sex which to me is a big deal. I feel like I’ve been a mess and I asked my partner if they could pause their relationship to work on ours and they said they aren’t willing to do that cause their happiness matters too, but this is killing me on the inside. 

 I will say I know this isn’t a normal poly experience, but my partner is truly a great partner besides this stuff, and we do talk a lot about things concerning this and I know they feel like they don’t know what they can do to reassure me without stopping their relationship with their partner. When we are together we are all good, but I am the main partner and we have a lot of time spent together. I think my jealousy can stim that their partners (only two) and close friends live in the same place which is a hour and a half/ 2 hour drive and I only live a hour away from them and they hardly come to see me because they are nervous meeting my family and have strong family trauma and feel mentally exhausted after hanging with their family. Which I can get maybe like 2 months in but we Are nearly 4 months in and they are finally gonna meet my family this upcoming week. 

  So I obviously feel jealous that they can easily go on a nearly 4 hour road trip (there and back) but can’t make the nearly 2 hour drive all together like I do every week. We have talked about it and are making plans for them to see me. I truly want to build a serious relationship with my partner since we are working on moving in together this upcoming January and wonder how I can deal with my situation and jealousy? I’m trying to work on my insecurities but I feel not special and like I could build resentment towards them if actions aren’t taken. 

 Sorry for this rant I just needed to get this out and see if i can show these comments to my partner and have a good conversation on what we can do. Love you guys! 

I ended one relationship with a FWB who is actively poly. It went as well as something like that can go. We’re still friends. We are still attracted to one another. But i won’t force myself to live with that deep aching discomfort of knowing he wants someone else. I feel better now that it’s gone, but also worse because I miss the role he played for me, and I for him.

I’ve been sort of involuntarily, mindlessly polyamorous for a couple decades, from when my first marriage started to fail, through second marriage when partner was bisexual and wanted to explore, up to now with 2 FWBs. I realized that I don’t have to be poly. I don’t have to torture myself that way. It feels good and natural and healthy to choose what I want, to be monogamish.

Thank you to all of you who have shared and encouraged in this sub. Thank you Thank you Thank you. You made all the difference.

I've been with my poly partner for over a year now (I'm mono) while I understand a lot of what polyamory is and has to offer I struggle like any person does.

2 months into our relationship my partner introduced me to a platonic friend. 2 days later I find out it is no longer platonic and they had messed around. (Found out via her bragging to mutual friends) to me this was cheating and I've been working through it but he continued to see her. It's been a constant emotional strain in our relationship. I do not ask him or tell him that he can't be with her and I have been very vocal with my feelings of how this hurts me. It usually ends in promises that I'm the primary and the life time partner and these other ones won't be around forever (I hate when he says this because it kinda feels gross) I am at a complete loss and am constantly hurting over it. I know there is no ethical compromise so short of ending the relationship, what can I do?

Newly created account to post this.. Well I’ve been silently reading a lot of posts on polyamory, monogamy and the monodatingpoly subreddits. Racking my brain to find myself in these stories, to find my partner in these stories. Ultimately on the search for hope.. My partner and I have been together for 6 years now. We went to a poly panel, I left feeling blah about it and my partner left feeling excited. My partner is ex Mormon and from what I have gathered it is very common for ex religious folks to turn to poly after leaving high demand religions. I have been trying to learn about poly, reading the books, listening to the podcasts, therapy, I’ve been diving in and I just do not see myself in what I am consuming in the last year+ of my studies. My partner has not deep dived the way I have, to be honest this frustrates me. My partner moved out about a year ago when they “came out” as poly when things kind of hit an all time low in our relationship. In that time I healed quite a bit and in reading poly secure I found a lot of information about how I could be a better partner. I was not very emotionally available due to some unhealed trauma. I can’t deny I was feeling pretty desperate to feel a spark for poly so we could make that work, but didn’t find much joy envisioning poly in my life. My partner wanted to keep trying for our relationship after they interacted with someone else and so we kept communicating. Things got amazing, better communication, more support, better owning of our own roles in our issues etc. I will add that we are actual best friends, we adore each other, we are almost always laughing, we are very affectionate, wonderful intimacy, caring, kind, even when we do argue we are never mean or angry, just sad at worst.

The thing I am struggling with is that it’s not feeling right that they are denying themselves of poly to be with me. In my deep dive into poly I started feeling really awful about denying my truth that I am, for the most part, a romantically and sexually monogamous person (I like the idea of us playing with a third). The idea of living an inauthentic life just felt too painful, my nervous system would be fried. I don’t see how them denying their authentic poly nature to be with me is any different. They swear they are consenting (something I can’t do with poly), that of all the roads and all the options, the only thing that feels right for them is to be by my side. I’m trying so so hard to believe that they are making an autonomous decision to be monogamous with me but I can’t help but feel like they are just shoving their true feelings down because the thought of losing me is too great for them to cope with. Today they said, “ I have no doubt that this will fade and shrink out of my life and who I am.” I am so stuck between, “I trust and believe them and this autonomous decision they are making for themselves” and “they are being self abusive and shrinking themselves to be with me.” There is no coercion, I am not extending any power over them, if anything I’m adamant that they come to their own conclusions but they keep swearing it’s a future with me they want most and since I have made it clear monogamy is the healthiest relationship dynamic for me they understand that I don’t consent to poly and are promising they are okay with that in order to be with me. I can’t shake the feeling that there isn’t something right about this but I also have read that some people thought they were poly and that they later learned they weren’t. I know everyone is their own person with their own journey but I am really wanting to hear your thoughts. Any advise, input and experience is very welcomed. I’m tough, give me the cold hard truths. Also thank you for reading this far along!

My partner decided he is poly about a year ago after years of us being monogomous together. Since he first brought it up I did see the appeal of polyamory. I love the emotional intimacy and close connection I get while being in a relationship so logically it makes sense that having more than 1 relationship would be amazing. However, I also don't feel like I need to pursue crushes. I am perfectly content and happy being with one person. It's like the romantic box in my head is checked. Because I wanted to stay with my partner and see the appeal of it for myself, I figured I would give polyamory a shot. Since the beginning I felt a lot of fears and stress about this though.

I am struggling with a lot of emotions and wondering if this is a lifestyle i can be happy in. I dont know if I just won't ever be able to handle my partner having other relationships or if I am feeling this way because this is new and or because I have an anxious attachement style or codependent tendencies.

This is what I feel:

1. I liked feeling like I was my partner's biggest priority. it made me feel special, loved, and cared for.
2. I liked feeling like my partner was romantically fulfilled and satisfied with just me because I am fulfilled and romantically satisfied with just him.
3. When we were monogomous i had this sense that we were a bonded pair, a team. And now my partner's love and care is split between two people. I know my partner still loves me as much as he always did. But I can't shake the feeling that I am sharing him, like I don't have a full partner.

4.It feels unsettling knowing that while my partner is building a whole romantic life with me, he is also building that with someone else.

We have been learning about and discussing polyamory for about a year and my partner has been dating the same person for 2 months (they are in a relationship as of 2 weeks ago). How much more time should I give this?

30F, Recently closed my marriage and realized most of my dating and relationship history has involved some form of non-monogamy. So I feel like I’m trying monogamy out for the first time. I appreciate many of my experiences with NM but am also recovering from some more traumatic ones. I often saw myself as someone capable of either relationship style but at this point in my life, monogamy feels like a better fit. So far, I love how much more time and energy I have for myself and my partner. I’m focusing on goals I kind of abandoned and love not going through the highs and lows of the dating cycle. I’d love to hear from others who transitioned from non-monogamy to monogamy. What practices (if any) have you kept? What was difficult about the transition? What do you love about monogamy? Would you ever go back?

Hey all!

I’d been considering monogamy for over a year, been polyamorous for 8 years.

Today is day 1 of being monogamous again, I’ve FINALLY decided to commit to it. I’m super proud of myself for recognizing this is what I needed.

I feel so much better already, and I really thank everyone who commented when I was asking for reasons to be monogamous, as they were very comforting to me during that day of finally making this decision. The post wasn’t the deciding factor, but it helped reaffirm 💓

If you are in a similar boat, I feel for you and wish you well 💓

I’m mono, but recently out of a relationship with a non mono person and it was terrible toward the end. Wondering if anyone has any horror stories with a similar dynamic? I’m still reeling from some things that happened and would love to discuss with an experienced non mono person to find out if my negative feelings are valid. Please feel free to comment or PM me!

If you’re reading this, you’re likely in a similar position to the one I used to be in.

Three years ago I was madly in love with somebody who wanted our relationship to be non-monogamous.

Because I was so in love, and so deeply attached, I spent months and months and months trying to accept this, reading, justifying, ruminating.

I spent all my days stuck in constant thought loops trying to make the situation okay…and it never worked, it was never going to.

If you are monogamous, and your partner sees/dates other people, your relationship is, by definition, not monogamous.

There is no middle ground, there is no compromise, you two share a fundamental incompatibility.

At the end of the day, don’t you want someone who values love and sexuality in the same way that you do. Don’t you think your soulmate will feel more sacred?

Have that hard conversation, have the courage of your convictions. Get out, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel I promise.

Hello all,

I really, really, really appreciate your time, in advance!! ☺️💓

As the title suggests, I am seeking pros of monogamy, that are not “anti-polyamory” or don’t paint polyamory in a bad light.

I’ve been REALLY digging deep for months/ years on whether I want to continue to be polyamorous after 8 years of this lifestyle.

A couple examples I can think of are:

• theoretically more free time.

Could be spent on things you love, quality time with that one partner, alone time, friends, family, etc.

• not forgetting information about a partner, or confusing it with information about another partner (this happened to me once 😬)

Hi everyone. I recently (as in a week ago) started seeing someone who is poly. I have always been mono and plan on staying it. He has 2 partners and solo dates, though his partners do know each other.

I guess my thing is where do I start with this? I want to know what’s right to do what’s not right. I have asked a few questions and he told me I could ask whatever I want and he would answer as best as he could but how do I know where to draw the boundary?

How do I know what is too much in terms of expecting attention and talking? I think dating someone poly could be good for me because I’m not a fan of texting 24/7 and seeing each other every day. It’s nice to say have a good night at 5pm bc he has a date night with one of his partners and not have to deal with it but I do enjoy talking to him when we are talking.

I guess just give me any advice you have as a new comer. Not sure what I’m even asking lol.

Thanks in advance!

I (36F) and my bf (36M) have been having a lot of discussions about opening up our relationship on his side, not mine. He says it’s more of a physical thing for him and he doesn’t want an emotional relationship where there are expectations involved. He has stated he is very committed to our relationship and that he doesn’t want to be with anyone else in the same kind of way. I, however, am skeptical. I’m sure a lot of it is my own insecurities and past traumatic experiences, but I’m just having a hard time understanding how this works or if it is even a possibility. He swears that it will help our relationship if he’s able to be who he truly feels that he is, but part of me believes that the“poly” lifestyle isn’t what he truly wants he just needs to heal some of his own traumas. Because from what I’m understand based on what research I’ve done, his ideas and actual polyamory do not line up. Also it might be worth mentioning that I can’t have another partner unless it’s a female. Anyone have any helpful advice on how to navigate?

I'm relatively new to this, I (26F) have been with my partner (27M) for 9 years. Since we were so young when we had first dated, we had a lot of growing up to do together. I am definitely more of an emotional person, I've made a lot of mistakes when I was younger and my partner has carried the weight over the years. This year after being the more emotionally mature one for so long, he has decided to be choose himself.

To start the story, we had originally started swinging maybe 3 years ago or so to help us with some of our sexual problems we had. Which definitely was not a solution looking back on it, but it was fun and no feelings involved. Casual sex has never bothered me. Now fast forward to this year, we met another couple (27F & 36M) and after two meet ups we decided to try it out. I could immediately tell she was immediately smitten by their sexual encounter and had a really good time. When we were heading home I got upset over it, as I felt like he just enjoyed her more than me and felt like she was just the spotlight of the night. We fought but got over it. But then they wanted to see us again. This time my partner brought up the fact that him and his current secondary were talking about the ddlg dynamic and without realizing how deep it really is, I said sure go for it. Big mistake.

They went for a talk for an hour leaving me alone and then came to me, and explained that feelings will evolve and I just felt heartbroken. Now I've been coming to terms with everything and my partner has been moving respectfully with his secondary. They have gone on two separate dates now. And he has been reassuring me that it's only me that he wants, he sees the future with me etc. And I believe it, as the other has been in a commited marriage for five years and my partner is a very grounded individual. but something just hurts about the idea of him with another girl when it's been us our entire young adulthood. For some context my partner has an insatiable passion to understand and learn and experience everything life to offer. While I definitely stick to a more vanilla route of life. Now as a younger child I never really did understand him in that sense but being older I do want to understand it more. At this point in our relationship all I really want is for him to be happy. But it still hurts nonetheless when I see them flirt over message or the idea of them acting like a couple in public.

Now we've kept our swinging life a secret, Ive talked to all parties involved too about my feelings. And while they are all super supportive I just kind of feel crazy because they are all poly positive while I am seemingly getting upset. It's very comforting to see people in a similar boat as I am.

If you got this far, thanks for reading. If anyone has any advice I would definitely love to hear.

My wife of 15 years is pushing for us to become polyamorous. I'm not interested in polyamory, and I don't believe I can handle my wife being in relationships with other men. Some of that is from insecurities around being replaced or inadequate, which I'm trying to work on.

It's recently come out that my wife had an affair, and we've been trying to work through that with counseling and finding ways to better meet each other's needs. This polyamory requirement from my wife comes on the heels of the recent infidelity and incomplete healing. (Clarification: this was primarily an emotional affair, with the desire/intention to have sex, but was found out before they had a chance. Included them saying they were in love with each other.)

I feel I have been stepping up to more consistently meet the needs she has expressed that have been unfulfilled, as well as encouraging her to explore her inner self and create more friendships. But I feel my wife has not been reciprocating to the level I need. She doesn't seem to be putting in the effort or commitment to healing our marriage and I haven't seen a significant change in my needs being met.

The affair has caused trauma for me in the exact areas of our relationship and trust that I feel would need to be very strong in order to make polyamory work.

On top of this, we have 3 children. I feel I am a more present parent, and engaged with their schoolwork, their emotional needs, etc. I work from home and my wife is a housewife. She has considerably more free time for dating, friendships, hobbies, etc. than I do.

My biggest reservations about her being poly is that if she isn't prioritizing our marriage now, it feels far fetched that she would prioritize it more once it's only one of many. She has a very avoidant communication style, and communication sounds like a primary requirement for healthy polyamory. When she was having the affair (I guess in some ways exploring polyamory in a non-ethical way) I noticed a withdrawal of attention and time spent with me, so that feels like evidence that above board polyamory would be the same in this respect.

At this point, since it feels like we have incompatible relationship requirements, I think divorce is the best option. I would rather part amicably and be able to be friends and co-parent our children in a positive environment.

However, there feels like a small chance that if I could get my insecurities in check, maybe this would save our marriage. It's possible my wife would get the NRE she craves, she would prioritize physical and emotional intimacy with me, and I would get the committed and secure relationship I want.

I don't really know what to do here. I'm deeply in love with my wife, and she loves me (in the safety net, secure and comforting presence type of way, as far as I can tell). But I don't know if that is enough.

Any thoughts or advice?

Edit: I should point out that I'm less concerned about sex with outside parties (though still not thrilled). It's the falling in love and pursuing additional relationships, that she claims is her primary motivation. That's the aspect of polyamory that I simply don't want in my marriage. I respect those that do, but it's not a choice that works for me.

Also I've tried to explain that it's not just me dragging my heels about the timeframe for healing from infidelity. That 1 year or more is pretty common (it's been 2.5 months). I've also tried to point out this is PUD, and that polyamory usually can't fix a marriage in trouble. She claims to have not seen any of these things I mention in her reading about polyamory and fixing a marriage, so I don't know how else to appeal to an authoritative source to show how this isn't a reasonable request on her part.

Hi everyone 👋

Please help me welcome u/Platterpussy to our mod team! 🎉

They are an experienced mod with a good, holistic understanding of polyamory and monogamy and have an abundance of compassion with practical advice. I have no doubt they will be of great support and leadership to this sub.

Thank you, u/Platterpussy, for offering your experience and insight!

I (33f) have fallen in love with my poly FWB (36m). We've seen each other almost 5 months now. I'm new to poly while he practices solo poly and has a girlfriend.

I think we've both pushed the limits of "casual". He asked at the beginning if that was what I was looking for, and I said yes, because that's what I thought I wanted at the time.

Flash forward. We don't feel casual, and I've developed very strong feelings for and towards him. But now I'm also filled with anxiety of how to talk about this with him - the fear or rejection is quite strong.

Sorry for the ramble, I just needed somewhere to put all this - open to any and all advice. Ya girl needs some help!

i (26 nb transmasc) am the mono, my partner (26 nb) is poly, i fell really hard for partner without thinking i actually could (thought i was aro) and now here we are 9+ish months later. i love them so much. im having self esteem issues though, and i notice that i compare myself their bf (nb transmasc) a lot in my head, and think of myself as an option, or replaceable, interchangeable. im in therapy so im working on that. i also cant tell if thats all my fault or not tho my partner has been rlly reassuring lately since i told them abt my increasing thoughts of wanting monogamy. but a bit early on they did cancel on me (once was accidental cuz they overbooked and dont see their bf as much as me) to do the same date plans w bf. (the second time bf cancelled on him so i went cuz i rlly wanted to). anyways, this is mostly just to ask- anyone out here with a partner that went to monogamy for you? anyone have a partner break up w a meta to stay w you? disclaimer: not saying id want this from my partner cause i want them to be happy and i love them, but i am a little curious if it has happened?

ETA: can I get some optimistic feedback? This is why I stay off reddit in the first place.

Please see my (32f) partners (32m) original post first for the TLDR.

Since that time we are in a much better place, have talked about trying again and working on our relationship. His partner at the time of his post has since broken up with him in order to pursue a closed relationship with someone else (which i know bummed him out, but i have my own feelings about that which arent so nice, but im trying.) He and I have both been on dates with others. We still own a home together and still have separate bedrooms, though often he will stay with me in my room.

August marked 1 year of us not being "together." He's leaving for a work trip and when he comes back we agreed to have a discussion about what needs i would like to have met as far as "romance" goes because he is not a very physical or romantic guy. What bothers me is I feel like in making this list it contributes to the "I don't feel like he wants me for these things" inner voice and that just makes me frustrated all over again.

The things I'd love to have are:

1. Intentional date nights. We run a small business together and have shared friends and interests so having something that is like "hey this is us time" is really important to me.
2. Feeling like he wants me around/to be with me like holding my hand, walking next to me when we are out (he can be kind of a fast walker and I have short legs) and PDA.
3. Physical affection that makes me feel desired (we struggled a lot in the past with "boring" sex and not enough intimacy, and me feeling like he didn't want to be with me. He struggles with some body image stuff too and some ED stuff which I know bums him out.
4. He doesn't flirt with me. Like, he says that "he likes to flirt" and talk with people but I know that he sexts people and receives photos (or at least has) and it's like that whole part of our relationship died and was replaced by these "new" people. I feel like things are very platonic and while we have grown closer and been more affectionate I still just feel like a buddy sometimes and that gets me really depressed.

Its To the point where it's like "well maybe I should be open/try poly so someone will pay attention to me and make me feel wanted" but that's toxic af and makes me sick just thinking about it. Like why stay if that's where my minds at ya know?

He is a wonderful man. We have shared 6 years of our lives together and he is truly my other half. I know (and trust when he says) that I am the love of his life and life is better with me in it, with him. I just keep having these "my needs aren't being met" moments and while I'm in a better place to communicate this to him, I don't know what to DO about it.

Thanks for sticking with me.

#help