He left me no choice. I found out he wasn't honoring our agreements regarding sexual health.

He knew how important these agreements were to me and how concerned I was about risking my health for the "poly life". I asked him if he was honoring our agreements after noticing a bump "down there" and his answer was... no. Turns out he wasn't asking new partners for a current sti screening before sleeping with them (as we had promised each other). He decided to "take their word for it" on their sti status instead.

Now I'm off to a clinic tomorrow to find out what I have.

I'm mortified. I'm so embarrassed to have subjected myself to a relationship like this, especially just for it to end in such a grand gesture of disrespect. I'm disappointed in him. I'm disappointed in myself for trusting him. He chalks it up to his stupidity. I really don't think he's stupid, just selfish.

I was bending and twisting myself so hard to try to fit into the poly structure for him. We had been in therapy together for months collaborating on how we make this mono/poly thing work. We had just worked through so many other typical mono/poly roadblocks. And the whole time he was breaking our safe sex agreement and jeopardizing my health. I'm disgusted.

I told him I wished there could be repair and a path forward, but there's just not. I think there's a part of me that might wish for a grand gesture. Begging. Pleading. Promising to prove to me that he can do better. But I think I know he can't. The breach of trust was too deep. Too reckless. He's shown me who he is.

One year together, reduced to nothing. It feels like he threw our relationship away for nothing. This is rough but I feel centered in knowing I deserve better.

Hi everyone, alittle history Me (F27) and my partner (M29) have been together for what we consider 10 years. We started dating when we were in highschool. When I was in college we separated for a few years bc partner cheated on me several times.

During the separation he found himself in a new long term relationship while I kept going in and out of toxic relationships where partners were mentally abusive and cheated. He eventually moved 16 hours away. We never ceased contact, and still hooked up once in a while. 3 years ago he ended the his long term relationship and came back to our state bc he quote “was tired of lying to himself about loving me” and I never stopped loving him.

He is the most sweet and genuine person I have ever met. He is loving and patient. He has so many qualities that I would love to gain. Although we had our issues we both went to therapy and felt like we both have grown as individuals. While we were rekindling he told me he discovered he was polyamorous and asked if I was okay with that. I was completely transparent with him and communicated that it might be hard but I can see myself becoming okay with it, that it might be hard due to our past.

We both agreed we wanted to try this out bc we both do not want to be away from eachother any longer. We both only want to marry one another and only see us having children with one another. We consider eachother soulmates. The issue i am having issues with is him being intimate with someone else. He wants to start opening up to dating other people and intimacy is important to both of us. I’m struggling with the thoughts of him being intimate and doing sexual acts with someone else and it makes me feel that it is taking away from our relationship. Honestly it makes it hard for me to be intimate with him. We have made tons of compromises for eachother on how we would navigate a mono-poly relationship and he has reassured me that all my negative/intrusive thoughts are not going to happen but yet I can’t believe him. We both have been transparent with me another and I have communicated every feeling I have through this process and he even agreed that him cheating in the past could play a part in this issue.

We had a miscarriage 4 months ago and I have asked him to wait so we can mend and heal as individuals and as a family and he agreed but still voices how he wants to have a relationship with another person but I am struggling with feeling jealousy, enough, special, and more importantly it feels like it did when he cheated on me several 6 years ago.

We both are in therapy to help with this issues but I am still struggling to navigate this feelings. Some days I feel like I’m ready for him to explore another relationship and some days I’m filled with panic from thinking about it.

Any advice would help. We do not want to separate, we have made that perfectly clear with one another but we want to fix this issue. Neither of us have practiced polyamory before this.

https://youtu.be/HL0lw7WcNZU?si=lmlrgovyxZdBmL6T

I feel like chill polyamory is one of the few people out there who do not automatically deem mono-poly relationship impossible to maintain and genuinely explore the nuances, hopes, fears, and possibilities.

Do you have any other recommendations in terms of books / articles / you tubers / etc. that have helped you counter that "mono-poly equals impossible" narrative?

Sorry if this is confusing, it's been an anxiety-riddled 24 hours.

Boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and has had brought up being poly-curious (I am monogamous) wanting to bring in a third (this was brought up after 1.5 years together, and was tied to some unsavoury events that we have thankfully worked through). After these events, he told me he knew it was me and only me.

The past week, I can tell he's been distanced and occupied in his mind. After pushing and pushing, it appears he's worried about our overall compatibility, but a few small things he said made me realize it's been brought back to the poly-curious topic. He hasn't outright said it, but I know that's what it is. I haven't brought it up- it's been an emotional few days– but I've been reading up about mono-poly relationships.

This is my person, in every way shape and form, and I know he feels the same, but the GUILT I have for almost being a barricade for him to explore himself eats at me, as I couldn't live with that. And the guilt that I see eating at him for feeling how he feels, is soul crushing. I myself, am a one-person-person. But I want to support and be there for him and have a good conversation about what we can do to go forward. I completely understand his viewpoint and his reasoning, and I agree on some points but not on others. I also know, that for him this is very real. This is not an out to cheat on me or to "get his cake and eat it too".

I will say that I had been struggling with my libido and ability to persue the act with him, but it's improved significantly over the past months. I believe I have low libido tied to mental stress and undiagnosed ADHD.

We live together, have animals together, our lives are completely intertwined and I know he's not bringing it up because of that. I'm so scared I'm losing my person. Please, give any useful advice or comforting words– I have no one to talk to about this.

Those of you who eventually adjusted to dating a poly person or came to terms with non-monogamy in some capacity, what has been the most supportive thing your poly partner did while you were on that journey?

Have they been validating your mono feelings and didn’t try to change them? In what way?

Please share positive examples that made you happy you gave it a try and made you thankful for the partner you tried it with.

Please see previous post first.

We've done a really good job looking at relationship expectations (we have even been working through the relationship menu). And these conversations have gone very well. We have committed to "we are in it to work it out or to remain friends."

For people that have successfully worked through things, and found joy (especially from the mono perspective) - what are we missing/what haven't we worked on yet?

We have both started reading Polysecure. We are going to restart couples counseling. We are having serious conversations about intimacy. We are both spending time doing our own personal interests. We are both spending quality time together.

Throwaway account again.

If you look back on my previous post, you can make the correct assumption that I’m trying to work through some of my uncomfortable feelings around polyamory. I want to try and make this relationship work with my partner, even if it’s not forever. And in doing so, I think having another partner(s) of my own will help with some of the anxiety and insecurity I feel.

My issue now is, how do I get over the feeling like I’m cheating on my partner? I didn’t feel like he cheated on me when he had other partners, nor does the thought of him seeing new people bring up feelings of cheating. And yet, I’ve been talking with a few potential new connections, and I get this overwhelming feeling like I’m doing something nefarious, especially once the conversation moves past texting and goes into phone calls/planning dates.

Any advice, friends? Thank you.

HELLO wonderful Redditors,

I’ve kind of been absent since the last time I’ve posted and asked a question in here, but I figure I share an update or something to my situation to somehow maybe give some hope to others or a fun read.

Last time we left off my relationship was kind of going to quite frankly shit, I was getting jealous and triggered by my partner hanging out with their partner they were dating unofficially. Though I guess I should explain a bit of that situation? Basically my partner decided to drive about 2 hours to go see this person and spend the night and might spend time the next day but was supposed to go to a friends Halloween party. Well to keep some details straight and narrow, they ended up having intimacy with that person for the first time and spent the the night and that Saturday I called to hopefully surprise them for their friends Halloween party which I asked permission to go to, which I was given. But when I told my partner  I could go with them to the party, they said they probably wouldn’t go because their best friend is sick and that was the only person they felt like they could help support them meeting new people with. I understood, but they kept telling me they might go they might not, which left me unsure of their communications of their plans. 

 To preface this, I told my partner I wanted to go to a pumpkin patch and that it was non-negotiable and it was a big thing to me. I didn’t give them the full reason why it meant a lot to me but I mentioned to them multiple times that it meant a lot to me. Nonetheless back to this day, that day of the party they ended not going and then I found out that they (my partner and the person they were dating) went to a pumpkin patch which you know crushed me and mixed with the anxiety and the fact that they had slept together and me making up scenarios of them being extremely intimate, i basically crashed out and kept feeling like I was getting too triggered and would give myself a break but then I would be triggered again. I didn’t yell at my partner but I did lay in why the pumpkin patch thing was wrong and to have a conversation in the future of things main partners do and not other partners to do. They didn’t get it but days later when we weren’t so disregulated we discussed everything. 

I know at this point this is just too much to read but I trust you it’s gets better, we have had a big discussion on what exactly caused me to be triggered and why they felt to be on guard with their accountability in their actions. We had a heart to heart and started to make a plan to prevent what happened that day and other things from happening or at least having the abilities to handle the situation at hand. 

Moving forward a month or so, my partner has been going through a hard time in general, but the partner they have been dating hasn’t really been texting them and been leaving them on read (but has been posting on social media about being lonely and wanting a relationship/sexual stuff), and they had another potential partner who has also not been really texting them and had been giving excuses why they can’t talk. My partner told me that they reached out to both partners, and partner 1 (who is the one they slept with) responded but left on read what my partner replied with, and partner ish 2 responded with excuses. So they said if they don’t respond in two days to start a conversation or whatever and apologized then they were gonna unfollow both and move forward. Which feels awkward to me because partner 2 is gonna be at our friend’s thanksgiving. But I stated that I am not comfortable with partner 1 being in their relationship circle cause of the hurt they have caused my partner but also they have only caused more pain in our lives and that with partner 2 if they do apologize and work on getting a partnership started I wouldn’t mind but be cautious because they act and seem to me emotionally unavailable. My partner said that they understand and agree on the partner 1 thing.

  That was a lot but I am not done, our relationship hasn’t been perfect but we our both attending individual therapy soon! Soo sooo soooo excited right?! My mental health is meh but my partners mental health is at an all time low. I’ve only been supportive and have cared and help fold clothes and put them away, or cook food and leave leftovers to help them have food because they aren’t exactly financially good and do anything that helps with their mental health. But I kind of feel like a lot of their energy is wasted at work and they hardly have time to do anything else besides cleaning and stuff. They have good days which seems rare cause they have chronic illness and is on higher ozempic dose and stuff so it’s hard to do anything, but also on bad days they cry a lot and have terrible body aches and stuff. All I can do is,  comfort them and try to help them being productive, by making everything a fun game to reach the goal of cleaning or something. 

 I truly feel like we are doing okay though we did have a fight?(no disagreements but I did crash out) I was getting triggered and pointing out things I didn’t like that they handled in past situations and stuff. Which was like an eye opening moment of me realizing why things were bothering me but it was also not exactly nice towards my partner I said a mean thing which I feel guilty by. But we have been alright, we are getting ready for the busy holiday season and currently are devoted to our relationship and to ourselves, and of course shopping for presents for everyone. (I swear it’s hard to find gifts the truly aren’t breaking the bank this year)

 Sorry for the long update and stuff but I figure I give insight that some situations can get better and that sometimes it’s okay to leave a situation like I am in. But that as a mono person I can truly say this relationship has really changed my perspective on ways people love and how to love someone and especially love yourself! Love you guys thanks for reading this! 

TL;DR feels like my relationship is dying and i don't know what to do

I was with my partner for third of my life, good and bad 11 years. He played such a crucial role in who i am today - for that I'll be forever grateful. We had very rough patches, mainly situations were coming from him, but we were a unit and i would support him through the darkest storm. I admit we fell into codependency. I was trying to combat it as good, as i could. Fast forward to last September. He polybombed me... I agreed to enm, but no equal or secondary romantic relationship (fine with fwn, swing, sex clubs). He fucked up multiple times through the year... Now my heart is broken and i barely know how to feel good, therapy and pills are barely keeping me afloat. He started therapy (what i was always pushing him to do). And now he grows (which is amazing). But he continues to push for enm... I know not even deep down that i do not want enm long-term. I want a healthy relationship and trying to work on myself, but my heart just can't stop hurting. He tries to be there for me, be gentle, give present, support me. I am very afraid to admit that it still feels like a slow death of the relationship.... I am very scared:(

I 23 F and dating a 24F at my law school who is poly ( a very tragic situation happened in her life and she wants to explore poly but has never done it before) she has never been in a poly relationship and hasn't started seeing anyone in that way before. She told me from week 1 that she thinks she is poly. We have been seeing each other a lot for the last month and a half. My feelings for her continue to grow and I don't think I would be able to handle it if she began dating someone else while dating me. I want to talk to her about our boundaries and how to deal with the situation. She told me she'll tell me if she starts seeing someone else which I appreciate but I feel like I just keep thinking about when she will start seeing someone than just focusing on the now. But when I focus on the now I know its just for now then I might get hurt once she starts seeing another. I really don't want to start seeing someone else she's the healthiest and kindest person I've ever been with and I don't want to lose her this soon because were so alike and are really good friends on top of being together. idk if I should just end it now to keep myself from feeling hurtin the future or I should continue with her then once she starts seeing another I end things ughhhhh idk advice pls

UPDATE: So I've done extensive research on polyamory and asked her what her definition of poly was and it was NOT at all the definition of poly. She has a relationship pattern of 1 - 3 month relationships and in her own words "does not have thoughts going on in her head and feels no emotions." Her definition of poly was just having sex with multiple people and I'm pretty sure the def of poly is being able to love more than one person. After the insanely traumatic event in her life she had felt nothing and went right back to hooking up with people. idk...i asked my therapist about it and she said she potentially a psychopath based on the traits I told her about. She mimics behaviors of others and is able to feign emotion but she doesn't have the capacity to feel emotion. We talked and instead of looking at my face her eyes were staring at my v@gin@ the entire time! Not one look at my face and I was wearing clothing.... so that's that!

For those of you with functioning mono/poly relationships, how do yours work? What kind of boundaries do you have, and how did you get there? What does jealousy look like in your relationship, and how do you tackle it?

Looking for inspiration and examples of how vastly different relationships like this can be :)

Edit (Update): AITA:They received a text from someone they say they'd made a connection with two years ago. The contact info said "[name] Tinder." Instead of asking who they were, given this whole situation, I just asked them to leave, to which they responded with a long description about how they cheated on this person, risked their sexual health, and they parted, but remained friends and that's all they are. The tinder connection apparently already has a girlfriend and my partner has no intentions with this person, as they'd stated. They said that I was being unreasonable and should have just asked who they were instead of jumping to conclusions. Admittedly, I could have asked; they made a persuasive argument. My partner offered to show me the texts, a request I refused, because that's a level of privacy I refused to infringe upon. Should I have read the texts? Should I ask to see the texts now?

-----

Hello wonderful people. I was wondering if I could ask your help in gaining some clarity about how I feel about something that is currently happening in my relationship. My partner and I are in the process of opening up the relationship. I am mono leaning and they are poly. I've done a deep dive into the process of being in an open/poly relationship, definitions, processes for opening, aiming for compersion as a goal, or at least being okay with opening up. They are wanting to be open. After alot of unethical behavior, lying (both outright and by omission), which my partner recognized and is trying to take responsibility for, we are continuing to try to maintain the relationship. As we are working on this, I'm finding some behaviors and talks/arguments are making me feel uneasy and I don't know why. My questions are:

1. We'd come to an agreement that we will keep the current structure, where I do my research and continue therapy (that I just started a few weeks ago in response to this), and we will not open up the relationship and have a big check in after 5 months. However, as part of this agreement, they stated they require at least a little amount of "openness" in the form of getting phone numbers of people in whom they are interested pursuing after I'm "ready." They are asking for specific definitions now of what is deemed appropriate for interacting with these people they are interested in, like, is it okay if it is 1:1 hang outs if, in my partner's mind, that it is purely platonic acts, or group hangouts with the same provision, where previously, they said they will not. The back and forth feels like pressure, but I'm not sure. I tell them that this feels like turning thoughts and intentions into action and that the back and forth doesn't feel right. As I understand it, attraction for other people will happen, and that's fine, but this feels like action. I'm not sure. Why does this make me feel icky?
2. We are working on defining the structure of the relationship including what is okay and what is not okay. What makes me feel unease is that I'm the only one coming up with these definitions; and I have to be incredibly specific about each possible situation, whether emotional or physical. I also don't know why this makes me feel unease.

I was hoping I might gain more insight from anyone in this dynamic and what you've done to successfully navigate this opening up process? As I am incredibly new to this, please let me know if there is any additional information that might be helpful. Thank you so much in advance.

I don’t think poly is for me

Throwaway account.

I’m having a very hard time right now reconciling that I don’t think poly is for me. It’s hard, it makes me uncomfortable and feel insecure. I should just stop and go find a partner to be monogamous with.

But, at the same time, how do you walk away from someone who has been the best for you? I’m not overdramatizing at all. My current poly partner has been the most kind, gentle, loving, communicative, safe, person I have ever been in a relationship with. Add on top how funny, smart, interesting, and genuine he is.

Our relationship structure is not good for me. But he’s good for me. He tells me I deserve more than he can give me, but he’s already gives me so much more than I’ve ever had.

It’s just very hard. I am very sad. I feel like both my options are unappealing.

I've always been very monogamously-minded, but I fell in love with a poly man so I'm giving it my best shot. It all feels so unnatural to me, but I'm trying to date other people too. The other day I got rejected by someone I had a lot of interest in because he's only looking for monogamy. I feel like that rejection broke me a little. I wanted to scream, "I want monogamy too!!!! I'm not actually poly I'm just in a weird situation!" It made me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. It made me take a hard look at the potential I'm giving up and how painful I find polyamory to be.

I think I'm starting to lose respect for myself over how much I'm compromising for my poly partner. He's out on a date tonight. I never wish to know when he goes on dates, but he makes it too obvious. We fought about it. He's out with some woman and I'm alone, wondering if I can keep doing this. I never wanted to be this person. I judge myself for being this person. I think my past self would be ashamed of me.

I will never be enough for him. He will never only want me.

Exploring polyamory has made me realize how special I think monogamy is. I'm not holding out for monogamy with my poly partner because know he doesn't have it in him. He could never commit to one woman like that. Non-monogamy just feels like a lesser form of love to me. I know poly is supposed to be about "more love" but it just seems like scattered love to me? Love dispersed? Detached love? I feel like deeper love comes from more focused efforts on one chosen partner.

And you know what? Seeking more partners when you already have a partner DOES take away from your existing connection. At minimum it takes time away. At minimum. But it reality, it takes away and complicates so much more.

I'm struggling tonight. I'm feeling like I need to detach and protect myself. Feeling like I don't know if I have a choice because I find his interest in other woman so deeply unattractive. Feeling like I'm too precious to be in the position and he has no idea what he has in me.

Like the tag says, just sad.

I think deep down i already know it won’t work out for us in the long run, but i just want to talk about it. I’ve been a longtime lurker in the past but stopped recently as we just had a baby.

Husband and I got married two years ago after 3 years of dating. We’re both expats living in a foreign country. Shortly after marriage he revealed that he has needs for sexual variety. We’ve been in a dead bedroom for a long time, and tbh sex was never great from the start. We did discuss it before marriage, and he said it’s not a problem for him as he was in previous relationships with great sexual chemistry at the start but they all fizzle out eventually. I was on the same page, but said we should work on it eventually. He did some work on himself and purchased some course from an online polyamorous influencer i think, and realised he needs emotional variety as well. He said he can try and be monogamous for me but it is not sustainable in the long run.

I was shocked and blindsided, but tried to learn more about polygamy and all. He was anxious to open up the relationship, but waited till i was ready. All these took place within 3 months. Finally i said okay and when i first asked him how he was planning to find dates, is it via dating apps or what, he said he had no idea. Then as soon as i said ok, he went on a date with his colleague and a few days later, spent the night at her place. I was surprised at the pace but was ok with it. I have a lot of hobbies and i was happy to hang out with friends during times when he was out with her so i didn’t mind it that much. He later admitted that he had her in mind all along, but didn’t dare to tell me for fear of freaking me out.

All along, i was adamant about starting a family, and he knew it was non negotiable for me. Our beautiful baby was born 6 months ago and it changed a lot of my thinking. The parenting journey also revealed how self centered he is and I’m not seeing him through rose tinted glasses anymore. I’m also doing 90% of the parenting and taking on the mental load, it’s exhausting. I can’t even rely on him to take care of the baby for more than 3 hours. It also changed my whole perspective on polygamy, i became more certain of a monogamous lifestyle. I became more resentful of the times he was away, not spending time with us. Although he did cut back on a lot of time spent with her, i still feel disappointed every time he chose not to spend time with us. He doesn’t see it that way, and thinks it’s nothing different than him spending time with his friends or working for instance.

I had a boundary that he can’t spend festivities or holidays with her. This year, we are going to my home country until year end and will spend Christmas there. He’s only joining for the first half of the journey so he won’t be there for Christmas. When we were deciding on the dates, he said that he will most probably go back to his home country for Christmas. Turns out he didn’t book anything and decided to book a ticket to spend the holidays with her in her home country instead. He thought it doesnt matter since we’re apart anyway. I told him its a boundary i have, he can still change the ticket and tbh its not that expensive, he can definitely afford it. Now he seems resentful that I’m asking him to change the ticket.

I feel like in the long run, i just have no choice but to accommodate him more and more in our relationship and the incompatibility will just become increasingly obvious. I also want another child, but he is not convinced as it will take more time away from his own needs. He insists that we’re his priority and that he will choose us every time, but all i hear are empty words.

Tbh it will be hard for me to find someone else and have another child as I’m already in my late 30s. It seems like my choices are to either 1. Suck it up and stick it out, accept that he will only be around 70% of the time but at least baby has a father figure; 2. Move on. Maybe I’ll meet someone, maybe I’ll get a sperm donor and have another kid by myself, maybe I’ll just remain as a single parent.

So my partner and I stumbled into a discussion about marriage and I shared that I don’t see a point in marrying a polyamorous person. Coming from a monogamous point of view, I don’t feel it would be smart to legally bind myself to someone who is not reciprocally committed to me. I feel like poly people are committed to their autonomy and freedom not their partners, which is their right.

I want to reiterate I know polyamory is valid. My point is if my poly partner could never be happy (romantically or sexually) with just me, why should I sign a marriage contract with them? To make it harder to leave?

Naturally my partner was offended🙃. What do ya’ll think? Would any of y’all monos be interested in marrying your poly partner? Married folk, any regrets?

I’ve started seeing a girl who’s heavily involved in the local ENM scene (we’re in our 30s).

When we first got together I thought it sounded like a blast. I’m no stranger to casual sex and having a fling so I assumed this would be no different.

She’s added me into group chats with her friends who she also has parties with - usually between 10/20 people per party, and usually every 3 months or so they would meet up and all have a fun night together.

Since being involved in the chat I’ve started experiencing jealousy which honestly is a pretty new experience for me. I think it stems from the fact that my partner is the best looking out of the group, has the most experience, is fun and just generally a blast to be around. However I’m just feeling a bit odd about how everyone talks about her body parts, and their experiences together and what they like to get up to (please note, my partner joins in these conversations, so it’s not just people being inappropriate).

I think I’m also just not attracted to this group of people, knowing my partner is the best looking there, it just feels odd to sleep with someone who’s not as good looking? My partner doesn’t agree with my stance and is attracted to all of the group.

I think I initially agreed to ENM before I realised just how much I was going to fall in love with her. Is this a common thing?

My partner loves me back, and has voiced that she can’t imagine having a monogamous relationship, that she’s just not built that way. Which I understand, she’s been in several different poly relationships, and has been friends with this group (who she meets up with) for years now. They’re all very close friends, they go on holidays together and meet up without sex too.

My question is, is this something you can get used to? It’s still pretty early on in the relationship however I do genuinely love her. She’s ambitious, hilarious, so incredibly witty I can’t keep up. Without the ENM she is hands down my dream girl.

I think I’m struggling with the sheer amount of people who want, and do succeed, in having sex with my partner.

I’m sorry if this is the wrong sub to post in, I don’t have anyone in real life who can understand the situation without being biased.

Cross posted! Throwaway account and need advice. My partner and I have been dating about a year and a half and moved in together this summer. We were both exploring non-monogamy when we first started dating but decided to be monogamous for a while to build a strong foundation for a long term relationship.

My impression was that maybe some day in the future we'd open back up for things like group sex or the occasional other person but now he's saying that he just is non-monogamous and wants to see other people like maybe twice a week.

I'm just really struggling - he says it has nothing to do with me but I can't help but take it personally - like inherently it means I'm not enough for him, right? He keeps telling me that's not it but I don't understand how that can't be true and feel like I'm going crazy. He's the kindest person I've ever met and otherwise treats me like a queen. I've never been with someone who understands me and loves me like he does. So I don't want to just throw it away - am I doomed to just feel unhappy in this relationship? Has anybody else been through this and had it actually work out?

I would like to know if there was a support group on whatsapp where we can support each other, share advice and ask whatever we need about this topic? I think it would be helpful to a lot of people! If there are such groups, I'd like to be added. ^•^

Hey everyone, I’m new to the sub and the mono/poly life in general.

A bit of back story- I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with my fiancé for 5 years. 2 years ago he approached me with the conversation of trying polyamory. To be honest, I did not handle it well and had a bit of a mental health crisis. We put it on the back burner for about 2 years. 2 years in which he spent exploring his sexuality, we would periodically have conversations about trying and I was open to the idea. In those 2 years I have done zero research- which, I should have. I should have tried to see other people’s experiences and how they handled being the mono in a relationship. Last week he brought up the topic again and we agreed to try to app FEELD. Him downloading the app didn’t upset me. Now that he’s speaking to someone casually, I’m all over the place. In my heart, I’m not that upset, I’m sort of ok with it? But (I have chronic anxiety and MDD) my brain is driving me crazy. I’m feeling so insecure, having anxiety through the roof and am having a hard time with change in general. He has been patient and kind with me every step of the way and has let me cry to him when I get worked up. He offered to stay monogamous, but I feel incredibly guilty. A lot of the issues we are having is totally caused by my chronic overthinking and I’m aware of it, but am having issues shutting it down. I would like to add, that we both come from extremely conservative upbringings and have been working together to deconstruct our thinking. While growing up, I’ve known nothing but suppression so this part of me isn’t something I had ever thought could/would be explored.

I don’t want him to stuff himself back into the closet. The pain in his eyes when he mentioned going mono breaks my heart, but I just don’t know how I can cope with this change. Will it get better? Fellow monos, how did you go from a mono to a mono/poly relationship?

Please excuse any typos or grammar errors.

So I am mono dating a Poly person. When we started dating they did make it clear that sex was not something they were looking for in another person besides me. I have some sexual issues that I am working through with my therapist, We’ve done a few sexual stuff whenever I visit them. Today our conversation seemed off and I decided to look through there socials and found nothing. When I told my friend about this he logged on to Grindr and sniffies, and BAM! We saw they had made a profile for sex only and hosting. Should I confront them about it or should I let it go?

Throwaway account since he knows my main and it would hurt him to read this. I'm venting mostly, I'm open to advice though.

The title basically. I wished I asked for a mono relationship at the beginning instead of trying to give poly a chance. I didn't because I was scared he'd reject me then, but goddamn I still wish I asked it. Perhaps he might've said yes. Perhaps he might've rejected me. Either would be easier than what's happening now.

He has a taste of what it's like to have us both, he doesn't want to give that up. He said I'd have to leave him if we ever were to break up. I don't want to. I just want him to leave them. Why can't I be enough, why can't he let me be enough? I don't want to be tied, I want to be first. I want to be different.

I don't want to break up. He's everything to me, I would be utterly destroyed by it and he would be too. I just want him to love me as wholely as I love him.

I swore to myself I wouldn't make him choose. I wish I didn't. I wish I could let myself be selfish and ask.

Not sure where to post this but I'm taking a chance and posting it here. I dated J for 3 years and lived together for 2. We broke up years ago but remained friends. We were Mono but they've come out as Poly since then.

In 2022 I had a bad injury and J came to help me for about 2 weeks. My recovery was difficult and I needed the help. I didn't ask but they offered. At the time I wavered between that is so kind of them to do vs they did it because a plane ticket to see me was cheaper then an airbnb (bc they were moving apts so had no where to stay until they moved into a new place.) I know I have trust issues.

Then a few months ago as we were chatting J offered to pay for a ticket for me to go visit them. On the trip they paid for everything. I got introduced to J's partners and friends. I loved everyone except for 1 of their partners. I thought they were too needy, too talkative and wanted to spend the majority of the time I was there with us even though they have a NP and children (just added for context as in they had other people to hang with and other things to do.)

Now that I'm back from the trip J has basically ignored me. I text them and they send a thumbs up emoji or a short sentence or 50% of the time no response at all so there is no talking it over. Non communication is 1 of the main reasons we broke up. Idk how they are poly because their communication skills can be lacking or maybe it is just with me.

While I was there we cuddled. kissed and tried to have sex (They lost their erection after a few mins of penatration.) They initiated the sex by putting my hand on their sexual organs. The 2nd reason we broke up was lack of sex for a year (we were mono so as far as I know there were no other parties involved.)

I want to know why can't J perform with me? Am I that gross that they'd lose an erection? Is J not communicating because they're embarrassed? Or are they mad because I said I didn't want to hang out with 1 of their partners (I liked the others very much)? Or is this a *love bombing manipulation? I don't want to keep texting or call and get rejected. I know I know J has the only answers to my questions.

I know I know I should just let it go. Block their number and forget about them. I just wanted feedback I guess that I'm not crazy. That they seem NOT into me now but they seemed into me before? Or were they just trying to be nice? Trying to pay me back, in a way, because I helped raise their daughter and basically supported us during our relationship. Or is it the love bombing manipulation (not sure what the end result they'd want is)? Or is it because we seemed to fall back into a relationship and J didn't want that since it was Mono before and they only want Poly?

*Love Bombing ex. paying for trip and all expenses, telling everyone I'm not just an ex I'm family, telling me I can't get rid of them because we're family so I'm stuck with them (we have no children together), telling others they was trying to convince me to move where they are (even in jest it's a lil sus especially since they posted it on social media too) but then later on saying you don't want to move here, saying we are good together (like a question wanting me to reassure them thay i thought we were good together) on several occasions, telling people I'm like a step parent to their child, in jest J saying "This is why I married them" bc we finish each other's sentences, I know the foods they like and we're generally in sync (no we weren't married but I thought I wanted to be.), telling me often they love me.

Please be gentle in your response and critique. TIA

Sorry for this long one ramble, im just trying to make sense of it.

I (mono) was content with dating other people, and seeing how things go. All my previous relationships have been mono.

I met this girl and we hit it off, flirting and then eventually started texting, then eventually meeting and hooking up. As we talked more, she shares she's poly/open and is emotionally unavailable, and doesn't want a relationship and just wanted casual stuff. I was okay with that, being where I was at that time in my life, and agreed to continue seeing each other for casual/fwb situation.

I never really taught about our relationship outside being casual and sexual. But as it grew consistent; seeing her weekly, her asking if she could spend the night or me offering the same. We shared vulnerabilities and intimacy with each other. After the first few months we were doing this, I noticed I started to develop feelings for her but decided to against it. As I spent more time with her, I got to know her better and she shared her past experiences, her traumas and plans for the future, sometimes me being in it. With all this happening, at the same time she is saying she doesn't want a relationship that I'm free to see other people. We eventually got to the talk about how many people were seeing and if we needed sti tests, turns out we weren't seeing anyone else.

Several months in, I needed to move and look for a new apartment, so I jokingly asked if she'd have me at my place her place as I look for a new apartment, and she agreed. I lived with her for over a month, and it seemed to be good, we were constantly in each others presence and talked everyday. We got along well, happy for each other's company but it was not with trouble on how chores were done in the house and not being used to having a lover daily. I think that's what sealed the deal for me, that I loved her and I saw a future that I want to make real. We still weren't seeing anyone else and we were closer than ever, even to her saying that I bring her peace when she and that I quiet her mind and that she sleeps peaceful when im beside her, she used to have troubles sleeping at night. With all those things in mind, I asked her to try and see where we can take our relationship to, see if there's a good middle to her and mine.

She reluctantly agreed to try, and that was the time I found an apartment and had to leave her place to move to my nee one. And as I left, she started her tinder again, reached out or reconnected to all her previous partners. Not even left the town yet, she already had someone in her bed. I thought I was ready for it, but it was so sudden, the rate and quantity of people she let in. And I stressed out and spiraled because of it. I read books and consumed polyam information to get a better understanding and she validated me as well, saying what she does doesn't take away anything from what we have. That our relationship isn't diminished because she is seeing and seeking all the other people in her life.

I became a little more understanding of her lifestyle and I thought I'd be okay with it. I wanted to know what was happening so I can process and act accordingly. It helped me in a way. And then another new-to-me situation would arise and the stress and spiral would start all over again. As she validates me, she would end up saying that my emotions are my own and I should have better control for it or that "I'm sorry you feel that way about my actions, but I'm not sorry for what I'm doing." Went on for a few months more. But in between those months she told me some memorable things like "I saw a few people checking me out and i could've gone with them but choose to be with you tonight"; "I have like 3 people that I can have here or even be along, but I asked you to be here."; "Talking to you made me realize what a close friends you are, i think you might be one of my best friends."; "If i ever changed my mind about kids, I would like you to be the father of my children."; "were not just fwb, our relationship is more than that, im sharing you my soul and my future" and "i love you". The last incident that broke it was when we spent all weekends together for a month and then she chose to spend all her weekend for the next month with someone else and maybe she'll see me in between those weeks, if she has the time. This broke me, but I tired to understand the situation. One weekend, she asked me to take care of her farm for money, as she goes on a weekend trip with her other partners. I lost it then, and she eventually got tired of talking and trying and she broke it off. I said we can work on it, and she decided to go no contact for a month as she does all her trips with her other partners. Upon returning, she realized that I was too much work and that her partners were easy and relaxing and didn't want to work on us anymore. And left me at that. I was a mess and brought me to a low and dark place I never thought i could be in.

Again, I apologize for the big wall of text. I'm just trying to process what happened, did I push too hard? Was i wrong to ask her of a relationship when she said she didn't want one and was emotionally unavailable. I was a wreck and still trying to cope from it.

I'm a monogamous male (25). From early on, my gf (21) let me know that she was poly. I hadn't dated in years and didn't know what poly meant but I gave it a shot anyway. Those first few months were torture since she had a casual partner while dating me. I should've taken that as a sign to move on. But I was sure of my love for her after 5 months or so of compromise. She didn't feel the same way until around the 7 month mark. After her casual partner broke things off, we were basically in a monogamous relationship. Not by her choice; she didn't meet anyone who stood out. That is, until recently.

She started talking to another poly guy for 2 months or so. He has his own gf and casually has sex with other women. I was trying my best to compromise my own feelings to support her but I just couldn't... She went on a date with him and they had sex. I was devastated. In my mind, a first date is to get to know someone in person but she explained that when she has a good connection with someone, sex is gonna happen. I wanted to have a talk with her about where our relationship is at and how we could move forward but she told me the conversation was making her anxious and she needs a week of space...

So here I am typing this at 3 in the morning. Haven't been able to sleep, occasionally crying and can't stop thinking about her and what we had... My heart literally hurts and I wish her and I could work things out but I don't think we can. I keep replaying the fact that she basically said he's more compatible with her than I am. What's the point in staying together if their relationship superceded ours in such a short amount of time? When the week is up, we're gonna meet and discuss us but it's about time I let her go. I don't deserve to be treated like the past year meant nothing. I know that polyamory means having multiple distinct relationships but to me there'll always be a priority towards some partners more than others. I don't think I can watch what we built devolve into something less.

I know that she loves me in her own way but I need that added security. Sometimes I wish our relationship styles aligned because we're compatible in every other aspect but this. And if there's one thing this relationship taught me, is that I can't try to be something I'm not for the sake of someone else. Maybe we were meant to be together to learn from it. I needed to get better at knowing my wants and needs. She needed some stability to form meaningful poly relationships. The heartache from our separation is something I'm not looking forward to experiencing in full swing. But it gives me a bit of comfort knowing we'll be alright after.

So like all of you, I have a very long story to tell.

I’ll try to keep it as short as I can but yeah haha it’s quite involved.

10 years ago, I was on tour with my band and one early evening, I met some one who I felt very drawn to. Earlier that day, I randomly said to myself, “I need my ((name))”. Hours later, this girl had that name. She also felt very drawn to me. I was 26, she was 22. And so began a 2 year long distance relationship. We were able to see each other for a few days every month because we were only a 6 hour drive apart.

We made music videos together, had many romantic times, and we just generally had a cool relationship. Some of my friends for some reason, didn’t like her. They kind of pushed me to break up with her, and I ended up doing that. But I always felt drawn back to her so we got back together. And then we broke up again, I don’t even remember why. And THEN back together, this time, she moved in with me from where she was currently living two states away.

For some reason while living with her, the break up make up happened again. I blame myself for being young, stupid, and an overthinker. Nothing was even happening. We ended up moving to a house in my hometown.

Several months later, I guess I was tired of her or something. I seriously don’t remember. I was deep into the rock n roll lifestyle of partying and drinking too much. At no point in this story will I claim to be completely rock solid as a person. I met some one else, and wanted to be with her. So I broke up with my gf yet again, this time, for 5 years.

We remained friends over the years, and both of us were pretty comfortable in our respective relationships. Well, sort of. The new girl I had turned out to be pretty abusive to me. Silent treatments, freak outs, anxious attachment type stuff. I stuck it out. And then…she had sex with my drummer, later saying that he groomed her and SA’d her. I found out the total truth in little segments, and it destroyed me, my friendships, and my band. Still, I took her side and continued to stick it out.

One day she told me that I could have a “free pass” to have sex with some one if I wanted to. I declined. She started even suggesting an open relationship, because she wanted to have sex with my former drummer more even though she claimed he…did that to her. I was firmly against it and that was that.

Months later, I did a show with my ex gf. She’s a performer too, and became quite popular and good at it. Something about that night flooded my mind with memories of our past together. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I told her, and because she and her current partner had an open relationship (that she never acted on), we could make it happen. I used my free pass.

Despite my gf saying it was ok, she lost her mind about it…which, I understand. She wanted me to stop talking to my ex, and I did try. Months later, my ex told me she hooked up with a “vanilla white dude” and it aroused a beast of jealousy within me. She told me she was trying to make me jealous when I asked why she was telling me about it. I became despondent and didn’t know what to do. I broke up with my gf, and pursued my ex once again.

We were very passionate and clearly falling back in love with each other. At one point she told me that she had taken a step back from the Vanilla guy, and that was the last I knew. She still had her main partner which she lived with, but they never had sex, and I knew they’d break up eventually.

Months later, she and I are on a nice long trip together. One morning, it comes out that she is still with Vanilla, and another person, and she’s actually partners with the guy.

I was blindsided and thought that stuff had ended. Turns out, on all of our trips and all the stuff we did together, she was having sex with two other people. I told her that I couldn’t do it. I confessed my love for her and told her I would marry her tomorrow if I could.

She wasn’t going to leave all those people for me, and said we could date, it would just “look different”. Every time I stayed away, she would reel me back in. I had fallen hard, and it was too late for me to go back once she revealed the truth. We took a month apart, and I pined for her. She sort of made me think that she’d eventually just be with me, and I held onto it.

I convinced myself to be in a poly situation with her because I wanted to be with her so badly. I moved up to the city she was in to be closer to her. Isolated and away from my friends and bandmates, I suffered tremendously. I kept telling her I can’t do it, and she wouldn’t let me go. Not that I truly wanted her to.

Eventually, she and her main partner broke up, and the other one got married and stopped being poly all together. So now it was just me, her, and Vanilla.

We were on a trip to see her fam over the holidays, which i was reluctant to do because I couldn’t deal with the situation, and told her so. While driving to see them, she told me she’d “phase him out” and said “how long can you last”.

After we get back, it’s business as usual when she lies to me about going to hang out with him and his other partner. I find out, and I get really upset. Over this time period I have become so depressed and anxious that I become suicidal. I put myself into a psych ward.

She is very concerned, and she and him “take a step back”, but never informs me when they go back to normal. This entire year I have monthly blow ups about it all. A few months after the psych ward, she stops having sex with him, and then a bit after that, they break up.

I’m still extremely anxious about it all. There were times she agreed to him not spending the night, and then “forgot” that we decided that. Then, we get engaged. I know, it’s crazy. A month later he crashes on her couch a couple times, which I found out later. I guess jn her mind, it didn’t count because he wasn’t in bed with her.

She kept our engagement from him, and I urged her to tell him, because from what I can tell, he still thinks they are still together. He freaked out. He said all sorts of things, essentially saying that she shouldn’t marry me and that she never asked him if he was interested in that. It’s been two months, and they haven’t talked about it again.

They’re “best friends” now. They have a music project together.

Even though they’re broken up, I’m constantly suspicious. She’s left out huge details before to “protect” me, so why wouldn’t she do it again? She’s had a sex dream with him, has sexual thoughts about him, they both want to still be together.

I feel like trash. Like I’m just in the way. She says she’s “chosen” me and has always loved me, reassures me all the time, but I just feel so messed up about it all. There’s a ton more to the story, of course.

I’m in her bed right now, and I’m going to take my anti depressants and anxiety pills to make myself fall asleep. My mind is a constant battle ground of comparisons, competition, jealousy, inadequacy, and sadness. We are about to start couples therapy.

Another thing, she has events all the time. Popular ones at that. I can’t go to many of them because he’s there. Because I’ll be upset if I see him. I’ve been mean to him a few times. So I just stay home, often times in her bed, and feel worried that they’re holding hands and being close yadda yadda.

I’ve become a shell of my former self. I’m far from perfect, but I’ve never experienced constant anxiety like this in a relationship. My issues with it end up getting blamed on me having poor mental health and CPTSD, but…I know that it’s this situation making me insane.

Our times together are generally great, but I’m at the point where my worry overshadows the good stuff. Even though they aren’t together. It strangely hasn’t made it that much better and I thought it would. But she still has feelings for him, and spends time with him. She’s pushed him aside and completely has prioritized me, but it’s like it’s not enough.

Ok yeah sorry this is so sickeningly long…but. Idk. I need help. I don’t want to lose her but I’m far past losing my mind at this point.

So I have been poly for thr past few years and met my current partner while i was single. We got involved and they expressed the desire to be mono. After much conversation and conflicts I was the one who made the jump from poly to mono to be with them. Now 1. They cant seem to acceot that I did that. 2. Everything seems to be an issue even if it is as simple as everytime i go hang out with friends or have someone over (i am very intoverted and have very little socisl life) it seems to be a big issue. If i show platonic affection for someone it seen by them as soft launch into poly behavior even when I tell them repeatedly it isnt. 3. I underdtand we both have wounds but i may have changed my relationship style for them but i wont change my world view. I see no issue in showing friends affection or having them sleep over even if they have to sleep in the same bed as me if i have nowhere else (this is rare i have sleep issues so i avoid it at all costs but its more the principle than anything)... maybe that is because i was raised female and transitioned to non binary but regardless. I am tired of having to "fight" bc the think every little thing i do is a threat.

Am I being unreasonable?

Hi!!! I’m back again, I truly want to bring the best version of my relationship with my poly partner. I’m completely mono though my partner said they wouldn’t care if I did have partners or sexual relations or etc but honestly that hasn’t really interest me.

With a previous post I am dealing with jealousy, and someone suggested that it won’t get easier but that I need to garnish coping mechanism or skills regarding this. I just wonder if there is anyone who can share stuff that works for them.

Hi I (22nb) have recently this year been dating someone who is poly and I want to state I am mono, and I know there are dynamics like this in the poly community, but I’m adjusting a lot to the changes and the difference of dynamics compared to my past relationships. Well when we dated we were mono but they weren’t comfortable being monogamous and already had interest in someone they had become friends with on a date app before meeting me. So we opened the relationship after several hard conversations and expectations.

With that being explained, I’m new to polyamory and have been dealing with jealousy and I know it stems from my insecurities that I need to work on but also me and my partner when we were working on opening the relationship, we took a week of space (not a break) because we were going through hardships and needed to cool off before coming back and discussing what we wanted from the relationship.

Well at the end of the week my partner kissed someone they had of interest which I didn’t know they were interested In this person and told me right away. Reason they said they did it was because they thought (irrationally) that our relationship was gonna end but they feel completely guilty. Well at first when I got hit with the news I was mad but calm afterwards cause a kiss isn’t terrible to me, yes it’s still cheating but I wasn’t mad about that tbh. Well at least not in the moment. Anyways we worked on the relationship and opened it and when I found out the kiss, I did say if we wanted to continue I would need them to limit contact with that person and not pursue a relationship with them. Well my partner didn’t like that, and said it wasn’t fair because they felt connected and they felt bad but they didn’t not want to pursue that person in the future. I caved in and basically said to limit flirting or anything and hold off on the relationship until we were good. 

   Well months have gone since that and I will note my mental health has been dog shit so all of my insecurities and confidence in me and our relationship has been not great. Recently my partner planned to see that person that they cheated on me with because they are dating but not official and I will say the person is very nice and absolutely no hate to them. But I feel like I’m jealous a lot more that their relationship has increased, and I think they are planning or already had sex which to me is a big deal. I feel like I’ve been a mess and I asked my partner if they could pause their relationship to work on ours and they said they aren’t willing to do that cause their happiness matters too, but this is killing me on the inside. 

 I will say I know this isn’t a normal poly experience, but my partner is truly a great partner besides this stuff, and we do talk a lot about things concerning this and I know they feel like they don’t know what they can do to reassure me without stopping their relationship with their partner. When we are together we are all good, but I am the main partner and we have a lot of time spent together. I think my jealousy can stim that their partners (only two) and close friends live in the same place which is a hour and a half/ 2 hour drive and I only live a hour away from them and they hardly come to see me because they are nervous meeting my family and have strong family trauma and feel mentally exhausted after hanging with their family. Which I can get maybe like 2 months in but we Are nearly 4 months in and they are finally gonna meet my family this upcoming week. 

  So I obviously feel jealous that they can easily go on a nearly 4 hour road trip (there and back) but can’t make the nearly 2 hour drive all together like I do every week. We have talked about it and are making plans for them to see me. I truly want to build a serious relationship with my partner since we are working on moving in together this upcoming January and wonder how I can deal with my situation and jealousy? I’m trying to work on my insecurities but I feel not special and like I could build resentment towards them if actions aren’t taken. 

 Sorry for this rant I just needed to get this out and see if i can show these comments to my partner and have a good conversation on what we can do. Love you guys!