It all started when seventeens dates for their world tour was announced. I was really disappointed and mad that Canada was not added because I wasted 2 yrs waiting and waiting with hope for them to come back here only to find out they won’t. What makes it worse is the fact that they could have had an ot13 tour before jeonghans enlistment but hybe decided that they are not doing that and made a “world tour” which includes Korea japan and 5 cities in the us and ofc no Canada. I was and am still really frustrated about that because this was my only chance to see ot13 but now I can’t and won’t be able to see them all together for a long time. To think that by the time all of them are gonna be done with their service I will be 27 scares me a lot, because I don’t know if I will still be just as obsessed with them as I am rn. I’ve been into them for the past 5yrs and to think that I might not even like them at some point in my life scares me a lot. They were not my first group in kpop but they were the best and the most sincere group that loved their members and fans a lot. I remember having depression a long time ago that changed me and the way I acted to the point that it was noticeable by closed ones around me. they were what got me out of that situation. Everytime something happened that upset me or someone annoyed or disappointed me I would always listen to their song hug. Even tho it was just a song the lyrics were so comforting to the point that it made me think that was a hug from them to me? I dont know how to explain it but that’s exactly how I felt. Everytime I listened to that song it felt like a physical hug from them. I listened to it sm to the point that now whenever it’s played all I think about is the bad moment I had that made me listen to it. It brings me back to that time and reminds me of how bad it was and how I had no one but them comforting me even if they didn’t know they were. They made me feel so loved and changed me as a person. I now know my worth as a person because of them and sometimes I think back to the times I didn’t know them. Would I have been here today if it wasn’t for them? I’m gonna be completely honest and say no I would not have been here today if I didn’t know them. I love my family so much but most of my problems and stress come from them so going to them for comfort is something I don’t ever think of doing. Also I tried mentioning my love for seventeen to them multiple times but I never feel heard. I feel like they don’t think of it as a big deal. Maybe they think it’s an era I’m going through and that I will get over them someday? Well it’s been 5yrs and here I am still just as attached if not more than before. I’m also scared because of something else about them that might not be true at all but I’m a paranoid person who overthinks everything so this has been on my mind. What if they are horrible ppl off screen? As a fan there’s only sm u know about them or u only know what they want you to know. After the case burning sun I’ve become extremely paranoid of who I stan because no matter who it is and how much I love them, if I find out they did horrible things in the past or present. I will not stick around any longer. Now for seventeen it’s different because they are a self made group while most of those involved were already popular from their debut. But I just can’t stop thinking about it. And I’m scared because I’m so attached to them I’m scared I will brush off their bad doings. Even tho my morals come before anything else seeing them and thinking about it makes me scared because no matter how much I say I won’t stick around anymore. I really won’t ever know what I will actually do if something like this did come out. Now it’s seventeen. Im convinced they they are the least likely to do this cause of the mistreatment and abuse they had to go through in order to make it. And they worked so hard to get to where they are now and I’m positive are thankful to every single fan that helped them and would not not want to disappoint us like that. But u never know and that’s what’s scary. The hate that they have been getting recently is also effecting me a lot. Yes they were wrong to include dj Khalid cause after all he is a bad person but like it’s hard to tell if they already knew about it or if they were clueless. They are also humans just like us so obv they’re not gonna know everything that’s going on the internet and to see them getting so much hate for this and have their own parents reach out to us to tell us to send love to the boys cause they need it scares me. It makes me wonder how they are feeling. If they are gonna be okay. And knowing them, they probably already do know of this issue so that’s why their parents would reach out for help like that. It also reminds me of moonbins passing. As much as I hate to admit it I often think what would happen to me if one of the member passes on for either suicide or other reasons. Now I wasn’t a huge fan of moonbins at the time he passed. I knew him (I used to watch Astro a lot that’s how I know of him) and definitely loved him and his bubbly personality not to mention that hes friends with alot of seventeen members. But the day he passed was one of the worst days in my years of living until now. And what makes it worse is the reaction of my family members especially my mother. I was doing so bad mentally because of it and had 3 panic attacks in 1 day which really affected me. It was my first time experiencing a panic attack not to mention three of them and to think that while I was in the middle of one, all I remember is my mother yelling at me for “ overreacting”. now I really don’t know why I was acting like that and why I was so effected by his passing cause I was never that much of a fan of his but the reaction of my mother at that moment was making me worse. So much worse. This is a kind of pain I would never wish on my worse enemy. I was having panic attacks and was overthinking too much but what did my family do? Nothing.now if this is how I reacted to the passing of a person I used to like but I am now just a causal fan of. I sometimes think of how I would have reacted if it was a seventeen member instead. Ik this is a really bad way of thinking but I can’t help it. I’m scared of it happening and I’m scared of what might happen to me if it does end up happening. After all they are my ultimate group and they always will be. I did realize yrs later why I was acting like that when he passed. Moonbin was such a bubbly person and someone you would never expect this from. I remember watching a fancam of him interacting with fans 2 days before he died and he looked so normal and smiley that it really scared me. It reminded me of the fact that like I said before we don’t know these idols, hence we don’t know what they’re going through and what they are feeling. And that they could be putting all of this act up while thinking about suicide. It’s scary especially now. Seventeen especially hoshi their happy virus are getting so much hate and it got so bad that their parents had to be involved. I’m scared. I dont know what to do. I don’t know who to tell all of this to. I know I need help. I’ve been asking for it but why is it not coming to me. All I need is for someone to comfort me and tell me everything is gonna be okay. Is that too much to ask for? Why does mom keep telling me to sell my dog milo. Why. He’s the only one that’s actually paying attention to me. He’s the one who knows when I’m sad. Hes the one who makes me feel better sometimes. Why does she want to sell him so bad? He’s just a fucking dog. They are calling me a bad mother who doesn’t take care of him well but what about them? I’m not the one who brought him here. But I couldn’t let them sell him so I’m taking care of him myself while struggling to pay off my debt at the same time. Why am I called the bad mother who doesn’t take care of him well when the one who bought him (my sister) abandoned him soon after. She made us take him out and help pay for him bills when she first got him. So why is she not helping at all after leaving him to me like that. This is so unfair. I sometimes think of selling but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t. I don’t know what to do. I thought leaving her to mom would do the trick and make her help out a bit at least by taking him out but why is mom leaving her too? I told mom to talk to her multiple times so why am I the one dealing with the aftermath of her mess. She promised to take care of him and pay all of his bills before she got him. So why did she abandon him just as fast. They think selling him will make him happier. But in reality it really won’t. He’s been with us for so long selling him now is gonna damage him more then anything. And how does she know that the next keepers will treat him better? She doesn’t. It’s risky and something I don’t wanna do no matter how much debt he puts me in because how makes me happy by the end of the day. I’m been so stressed these days. School started but I haven’t done a single assignment yet. I’m so upset about the seventeen situation that everytime i listen to their music i end up crying. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I feel so alone. I was with my sisters in the car the other day and I was listening to seventeen and I ended up crying again. I didn’t wanna tell them anything but they don’t need to know what’s wrong with me to comfort me. All I needed was a hug. All I fucking needed was a hug and it’s the one thing they didn’t give me. My sister (the middle) like usual yelled at me during my mental break down. While the youngest did absolutely nothing. I’m always there for them so why aren’t they there for me? I can’t watch seventeen at the moment too because of my emotions. Everytime I see them on the screen I get emotional. Why? I don’t know. I’m not doing my work instead I’m watching dramas one after the other to distract myself but it can only work for so long. I can’t fucking comfort myself by listening to seventeen. Why do I keep crying when I listen to their song. What’s wrong with me? I don’t know what to do with myself. I seriously need help. My head hurts really bad. My body also feels so numb. I don’t know what’s wrong. I need help.

(this is a few months later) I’ve been watching k dramas a lot these past few months. Like more than I normally do and it did help me temporarily get better but I realized now that that was a big mistake. I kind of knew that it was not normal especially since I had schoolwork to do and I was rewatching shows more than starting new ones, but I didn’t really think of it much. It is now December and I haven’t even finished my first assignment but here I am rewatching my 10th+ show and I’m not exaggerating when I say that. I’ve been trying to do my work but I just can’t. I really can’t explain it but I feel like I’m being held back. So I keep watching dramas. I started the show “ alchemy of souls” with my mother a few weeks ago and I was so happy that she loved it. I wanted to show my sisters too but they declined at first. Then I made a deal with the youngest and she said ok. The deal was to walk Milo for her 5-6 times if she watches it with me. I agreed. We watched the first episode and she said she liked it. She said she’ll watch the other episodes later with me and I said ok. It’s been over a week now and that’s all she’s been saying, that she will watch it later. Or that she’s not in the mood. My patience can only go so far so when she said that she wasn’t in the mood today as well I flipped out. I’ve flipped out before but it was never this bad. Heck I even thought of hurting her but thank god I held myself back. I didnt know why I was like that. But I went to the room, had a chat with mom. I didn’t tell her anything but she hugged me and left. I felt a little better after that. I tried getting up but I fell and hurt my head on the bed frame, it hurt but I didn’t have the energy to get up so I stayed on the ground for some time. I was just staring at my ceiling. I’m trying to think. Why am I going this far? what is going on with me. But I bawled once again cause I realized that I don’t have seventeen to comfort me anymore. I felt like the world was closing up on me. I actually thought of dying. I wouldn’t go through all of this pain that I can’t even fix myself if I was gone. And my family would regret what they did to me and maybe realize how important I actually was in our dynamic. I know I’m an important person. And I also know that they all love me. But these thoughts still come and I can’t get them to go away. This has been going on for months, these feelings I’m feeling. But I actually exploded today. I couldn’t handle it anymore. Would my sister(youngest) regret not watching it with me when I was alive? Would the other sis wish she spent more time with me instead of others. Would mom finally realize that the only thing that was keeping me alive was her and seventeen. I feel like she still doesn’t understand how important they are to me. Even tho she saw my condition first hand. She thinks it’s something I can fix myself but I can’t they were my number 1 comfort group. And they comforted me through EVERYTHING. So now that I’m like this because of them mainly. I have no idea what to do. I asked for help. Nothing. I told my family that I’m not okay. They dont care. Or at least that’s how it looks to me. This letter that I spilled my heart to. That was only supposed to be for me and the professionals that can help me get out of this. I showed it to my mother. I told her to read it to try and understand me. I asked her if she did and she said yes. But nothing else. Nothing. So she read all of this but has no comments? None? I doubt she actually did read it. I gave it to her less then an hour before my work. My sisters came home 5 minutes later and I heard them all conversating from my room. I went to get my phone from her and she didn’t even get past the first half. She probably read the bit about seventeen and didn’t think it was as serious as she thought. They are probably all tired of me and my obsession with seventeen. But it was never my plan to get this attached to them. It was even scary at first. But I got used to it. Now I’m siting in my room. Wondering why I reacted like that when it hit me. All along I was watching these dramas to distract myself only for it to hit me in the back. Because now that’s my comfort zone. I remember I used to make big deals when my sisters tell me they are gonna watch seventeen but pull back on their words and i get mad. Like I get this mad. Now it’s happening with the shows I’m telling them to watch. Watching dramas is now my way of distracting myself from reality. And it’s me trying to comfort myself. And just like how I want my family to see the group that helped me become a better me and got me out of my worst states and relieved my stress. Having them watching these shows is also me trying to show them these shows that are really good at that too. They have comforted me and made me forget about seventeen momentarily. But this is not making me better. In fact I’m getting worse. Now I’m back to square one. And I don’t know what to do.

My son suffers from depression, anxiety, adhd, ocd and borderline traits. He has recently been hospitalized for a suicide attempt, which was not a good experience. I want to tell him that if he doesn’t start intensive therapy in December I wont pay for him to go back to college. His grades have been slipping and he says he feels totally stuck and unable to do any assignments to complete the semester (it has been a hard one for all students as they have lost over 2 weeks of class with hurricane shut downs and school is doing no make up days or extension of the semester). I feel his thought that everything will just magically be OK with a fresh start new semester in January is wishful thinking and that he will likely end up back in crisis.
Is this ultimatum fair? How else can I convince him that he can start to feel better if he starts treatment ( he has finally agreed to medication, but i am unsure how compliant he is and he has not reached a full therapeutic dose yet.) He is 22 and an adult, but i am paying for college and his car and feel like this is the only tool I have right now.

I’m 31, I have a 2 year old daughter and live with my husband. The pain of living is just becoming unbearable. I have one close friend who cares about me. My husband, not so much. My mom kind of cares but is preferential to my sister. I’m currently in my closet laying in the corner under my hanging clothes. I haven’t been able to stop crying for several days now. My birthday is tomorrow. I think the best thing for everyone, myself especially, would be for me to go away permanently.

so this past week, my mental came crumbling down. I've been extremely hyper focused on my health especially my blood pressure. I got numbers that threw off my whole self worth and esteem. I've been crying and not being physically kind to my body. I wish i could talk to someone but i don't have many true friends no one in my family cares for me and my therapist dismissed me years ago for being "cured".

So long story short, I have schizoaffective disorder, self harm issues, anxiety, and 1 past suicide attempt...more of I felt like doing it so I did. I feel like it was an impulse thing idk. I've been on a plethora of meds, had many psych hospital stays, even ECT. A few months ago I cold turkey stopped all my meds, which sent me into terrible xanax withdrawal. So I'm now back on meds, just different ones. Zyprexa and Lexapro. The voices and scary things I see are literally driving me mad. I'm trying so hard to not harm myself, but I'm struggling so bad. I'm just so tired of feeling this way. Is it possible I screwed my brain up more by stopping my meds? Will it always be like this? Do I need stronger meds? Please don't suggest anything inpatient as this doesn't work for me at all. I juat don't know what to do. I've got a great sister who helps me a lot, and an amazing doctor, I just don't think either of them realize how terrible I feel. Like I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, I just feel like out of control.

Hey guys, Sorry to bother, really. I don't have any sort of friends and I really need help. I had a girlfriend, we lived together for about 4 months. She was everything I could've asked for, I loved so much and she helped go through some positive changes, I quited cocaine, alcohol and cigarretes for her and generally tried to be a better person. We broke up, I tried to forget, Just ler the Memories fade, I met a Guy, we used to be friends and be told me that my ex is now happy and living with the New Guy in the same house we used to live. It Hurts so damn bad, of course I wanted her to be happy, but It feels weird... I have no one, no friends since she was my only friend... I'm tired guys... I've bleeding and don't know what to do. I can't stay awake 'cause It Hurts and can't sleep 'cause I'm too fucked to sleep... Pliz help

I am blown away by how much trauma a person can endure and always be there to help and have such a big heart. This has been going on since 2011, my mom passed away, i got married to a mean mean man, he.was good until we got married. I lost my job in 2019,and since then it seems like it just never ends. My oldest son had his heart crushed by his step father and his family, when we seperated, they disowned him as he was not blood, he was 15.

I was suckered into a trap house and after months of life altering abuse, I tried to kill myself. I got out of there and fou d an amazing g place to live, and then my oldest son and his wife lost their children to foster care, and they ended up homeless...my new.landlord wouldn't let me help them as she didn't want them near the house. My son ended up pushing limits and then I got evicted. I ended up moving into one of the most shady and disgusting motels, only because rents sky rocketed and being on disability, I was on a limited budget. I saw things that people shouldn't see, and just can't wrap my head around the hard addictions. I saw people die and get narcaned to life again, I saw people get shot, lose appendages, gang activity, things I never ever wanted to see. My son got jumped and he stabbed the person, and he put me right in the center of it when he, unbeknownst to me, threw the knife in the garbage and cleaned the blood off his hands in my bathroom, I have seen him get arrested before, and how brutal the police were, so I put myself in between him and the police guns. I ended up losing my home, my pets and attacked by my ex-roommate, and when I wanted to charge her with assault, they said there wasn't enough to go on, my face was bleeding and there were marks from where she held me up against the wall with her hands...now, my voice is hit amd miss, I sound gruff. When she found out about me calling the police, she told me that I had better run, because her people are looking for me, so I did just that. I moved and then in May my oldest son was murdered, and I just can't anymore. I have been fighting so hard just to keep it together, and it seems like everyday is a new issue and I can't seem to escape, I wish i was invisible.

I am so lost, and I feel so alone regarding how I feel inside, I miss my son, I miss how it used to be, before 2019, all family, all the time.

I hope this post doesn't get taken down because of it being kinda NSFW.

TW: Mentions of SH, SA, ED, suicidal thoughts, masturbation.

I'm 17 and have been very low mentally for around 5 years now. It's all just gone downhill since I've been SAed by a girl I thought was my best friend at 13. I've been struggling mentally before already because of how I was always excluded by others my age and bullied. It got very bad after that, though. The experience made me to be very hypersexual and indulge in SH. The additional problems of poor body image and gender dysphoria just stacked on top and I've been constantly stressed. Regular SH, either binging or not eating at all, suicidal thoughts... And well, masturbation. As much as the rest is treated seriously, this is a thing that's shameful and treated as normal. The internet tells me "it doesn't matter how much you do it, because it's healthy" even if I know that it hasn't been.

Currently, I'm recovering. I've been clean from SH for almost 11 months now, went to the gym, started developing healrhy eating habits and overall training on my self-image, but the thing that stayed is masturbation. As much as I know it's normal I can't shake the feeling of disgust I get after I do it. The way I feel pathetic and filthy. No matter how much time I withhold myself from doing so I just get frustrated either way and end up feeling like shit in the end. How do I make it stop?

Even when I don't do it I judt constantly think about it. Constant sex jokes, sexual thoughts about things I don't even want to think of. It's tiring and I just feel terrible. Not only I'm done, but my friends too. I'm tired of being the constantly horny friend, I'm genuinely not trying to. As much as I try to stop I'm still just associated with it even if it's happening rarely now. I do not consume as much NSFW media as I (unfortunately) used to, although I still do. I uninstalled apps, don't visit sites as often etc, but it just doesn't work. I try to stop, feel frustrated, do it once, feel like shit. And this circle just repeats. Should I completely cut everything off and just hope it resolves itself? Does anyone have any advice?

This ends with me. I will be posting a bunch of incoherent sentences but bear with me. This ends with me. I see mothers living through their daughters or their only reason for existence in life is to get their daughters through life. I will not be having children. This ends with me. It's unfair whatever happened to me and to my life. I have no friends and no support from siblings. I am in college in a foreign land. My parents pay for my groceries and college. But my life is meaningless and depressing. I have no friend circle. I think I wanna join the knitting club but depression prevents me from even doing anything. Whatever friendships or bonds that I tried to create since middle school never lasted. I can't even call my mother, all she does is cry and stress out about our financial situation. She is at fault for many of her miseries. I do not know how, I can not articulate how and why she is at fault but she is. I do not know how to come to terms with that. She is a victim of long standing abuse from my father. Not physical but psychological and emotional. My father tried to systematically oppress her and cut away her options to talk with her family. He did not even buy her a phone to talk to her family. I am from a third world country btw. I was almost kidnapped while on a date I was molested and when I tried exposing the predator on Facebook, it's me who got blamed and shamed even though alot of his victims came out and shared their stories with me My brain is fried from trauma and stress. The brain fog persists. Everyone feels like they are cunning and really have ulterior motives. I am tired .

A few days ago I stupidly clicked a link on Facebook and what came up was quite disturbing. I won’t go into details but it has really messed me up. I thought I could just block the page and move on but it’s just lingering and has been quite hard on my mental health. I’ve just felt sick ever since. Any tips to get my mind off of it and move on?

How depressing can it be to rely on man? I am a stay at home mother since May of this year and since I have stopped working my stress level has risen beyond the roof. I now have to soley depend of my partner to accommodate all financial needs and boi I tell you. For someone to makes as much money as he does, he sure isn't responsible. Every month since May around the time to pay bills, I am begging, pulling at tooth and nail for him to send me money, and on time. We are now at the end of the year and everything is still the same, financially and I literally am beginning to hate my life. I have really solid days in between days like this. And now I am beginning to question whether I am ever worthy of happiness, and peace. How is this so? Am I even worthy at this point because for the last 7minths all I've done is suffer, aloud and silently.

Is it all in my mind? Or is it truly circumstantial? Just so you know, every month we risk eviction with a one year old. We risk me loosing my car, which in all reality provides me with the little freedom I have now. Will you answer my prayers God? -signed a depressed mom

I (13F) have serious mental issues, I won’t get into them here cause that’s not the point of this post but I have been sewerslidal for a few years. The main problem is that I have a very bad idea of a “perfect relationship” in that perfect relationship I am the top priority and the partner would put me above everyone else, never argue, live only for me, and most importantly ALWAYS support me in any situation. I know for a fact this is a very bad way of looking at relationships but it isn’t just me wanting someone to always be a doormat to me, As I would do these exact things for my partner as well. The bottom line is I know I would be a very bad and probably manipulative partner but I still want to HAVE a partner. So does anyone know a way for me to get better ways of thinking about and potentially being a partner?

For the past two years I've been self employed which I've loved, but I hit a run of bad luck and I think I have to accept defeat - I haven't run out of funds yet, but realistically taking it to the end would be more of a pride thing than genuinely believing I can turn it around. That feels selfish and I don't want to risk becoming a financial burden on my partner.

I'm really struggling to accept that I tried and failed - additionally my only real work options are going back into my old field which I hated, burnt out on and quit before setting up on my own. Again, I can't bear the thought of becoming a financial burden on my partner but the thought of going back into that world, especially with it being my fault for fucking up my own business, is really bringing up all my old self loathing and hate. I don't think I'd ever get to genuine suicidal thoughts but I have recently been tempted by self harm and my diet/sleep/interest in hobbies are all gone to shit. My partner recently lost a parent so I don't feel comfortable dumping this on her.

I don't really know what kind of support I'm looking for but lately I feel like I had my life together for about 10 seconds before I absolutely blew it up, so if you've read all of this I appreciate you.

idk how to start this but just for a little backstory, i’m fairly young, still in hs, i’ve been through a lot, moms an addict never knew my dad, me and my two siblings were in n out of cps a lot til i was around 7 cps took me for good. my siblings on the other hand went back but not me. i was adopted by my 2nd stepdads sister. i struggled a lot, got into physical fights w my new family, had bad outbursts, screaming crying etc. around 3rd grade i started smoking weed, from there i started getting into alcohol and eventually pills. it led up to me using harder drugs. i started having issues w my family because of this, i stole, lied, ran away, etc. me and my adoptive mother started pyschally fighting, i used to be afraid of her because she would push me down the stairs, punch, slap , etc. but eventually i started fighting back. at some point she found out k was expelled from school and we got into it so bad she hit me in the face with a metal water bottle. fast foward i got molested by a close family friend of my Adoptive mother. he was a pastor. it all ended up on the news and my using got worse. i had to do a grand jury and talk to some people. at some point my adoptive mom stopped believing me and my brother found out about it, he was the only one who believed me. i had to take a polygraph test just so i can somewhat prove i wasnt lying. i felt so alone because my adoptive moms daughter married the pastors son and it hurt me to see that she sided with him. point it everything went downhill from there.i got arrested and got put into a drug abuse program, not rehab but more like a support group. from there i stayed clean , had a couple relpases. but im clean. but i managed to mess things up so bad my adoptive mom gave up custody to my mom again

i started seeing a psychiatrist after 5 months sober. i got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, social anxiety, and ocd. the meds worked, i was stable for some time until now, my bio mom just got custody back about 4 months ago and things have been bad. she’s dipolar and has severe mental issues, which makes things bad for me. recently i’ve had this weird feeling kinda. it’s hard to explain but i’ll do my best. i’ve always struggled with de realization but nothing too bad. but lately it’s like im still in the past. i drew it out so i can understand it and i drew me rn in the center and around it i put my bad and good memories. and connected them to the middle. it’s not that im getting sad from what happened to me, im living it all again. for example, when i turned 10 me and my adoptive mother and sister took a pic outside the house, and im still 10 taking a picture. if that makes sense? but its like that with everything i can remember. i’m still at the lake where the pastor touched me, from waking up and getting in the car to leaving and getting home to sleep, and when that day ends it plays again. but not just one memory. it’s every single one. i think the worst one out of all of them is being in jail. because im stuck in a literal box and cant get out until i get released, and then it plays again. and it feels so painful and im scared. the good memories playing aren’t so bad but i have a lot of bad ones that it hurts to relive them over and over, feeling my emotions from that moment hurts so bad. and sometimes when i go by a place i have a memory in, i get stuck there, while also being stuck everywhere else, but since i saw the place, that memory becomes that main one playing. and when i have a really bad memory come to the front of my mind, i get stuck in it for 2-3 days and when i “wake up” i panic because i have no recollection of being alive for those 2-3 days. the only time i truly remember not living all my past again is when i was using, yeah i remember still like being in it but it was so faint it didn’t bother me, and don’t get me wrong my sobriety means everything to me, but it’s been getting hard to stay sober because even if i am sober rn im still in ms getting high and nodding out, so it’s like even if i relapse it won’t matter because in my mind in reliving everyday of my addiction. and getting high is the only way i don’t have to remember and relive my traumas. this is really hard for me to understand because that sentence i just wrote, im stuck in it and reliving it. by tomorrow morning, ill still be writing this. and no it’s not too bad but when it’s bad memories it’s so dark and horrifying. and now that i think about it , i’ve always felt this way and up until now, it’s getting really bad. i know the best thing is to talk to my psychiatrist but i just needed to get this out in hopes that someone understands and maybe has been through this. i’m so desperate to get out of my head that i would do nearly anything. sorry that this is so long but if you took the time to read this, thank you. and if anyone knows like what this is that im feeling please please tell me. i’m scared for my sobriety. my life fell apart because of my addiction and im so afraid to ACTUALLY go back and not just relive it in my head. i’m not just scared for my sobriety, im genuinely scared , im reliving all the physical abuse, sa, jail, suicide attempts, and being a kid and seeing my mom with a needle in her arm, and being beat so bad by my siblings bio dad. i’m so fucking scared.

Hi all.

Really struggling at the moment. 26 (M)

My girlfriend “Jane” is 24 and we have been together almost 2 years, living together for 1 and I am the father figure in the house to her 2 and a half year old.

Here’s the issue. Jane’s ex boyfriend is a narcissist and is using the baby to stay involved in Jane’s life. He’s a nasty piece of work that we’ll call Keith.

Everything has been fairly calm for a few months now. Keith has travelled to Jane’s local capital to see the baby and to do handover.

Now this has changed as after Christmas, thanks to Mediation, the contact can progress to Keith’s hometown, 5 hours away by train.

Jane has said she would meet Keith halfway to process the contact, but Keith has thrown the toys of the pram and is now threatening court. This isn’t uncommon from Keith as he’s a narcissist but I digress.

Jane and Keith’s relationship consisted of DV. Which is why Jane left, as she was mistreated throughout the whole relationship including the first few weeks their child was born.

My concern is this; Jane will now be over 2 hours away from myself or family support for future handovers which is terrifying considering Keith bullies women and takes advantage.

I can’t go as Keith would not agree for me to be there, probably out of fear that I would assault him considering how he’s treat my girlfriend even now while co-parenting. He’s scared of men but I do not trust him nevertheless to be with her in “no man’s land”.

Furthermore, and most annoying, despite these changes not being finalised yet and needing to go to mediation to find agreeable terms (As Keith is being unreasonable) He is messaging Jane daily through the use of TalkingParents. The only way we can see the contents of the message is to open it, which Keith will be able to see. We of course don’t want to cause any unnecessary friction but we may have to start reading and ignoring his messages now as he’s misusing the app to unnecessarily message Jane, about matters not relating the child (which is what the app should only be used for) The child spent a few hours on 30/11:2024 with Keith but in the week running up to his weekend, we had nonstop messages about why are we seeking mediation, why are we stopping him seeing his daughter, blah blah blah. How, as of yesterday, our first day with our daughter, he’s messaged to confirm the disagreements so he can put it forward to his mediator. This is absolutely an unnecessary message. There is non-deletable messages over the past fees detailing the disagreements so why message?

It’s causing Jane and I massive levels of stress and anxiety as we are constantly waiting for the next notification from him.

As far as we care, he should either message while she is with him, or 24 to 48 hours prior to seeing his child to confirm pick up and drop off arrangements. Anything else should not be messaged.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do for my own good as well as my partners in this situation to stay calm and in control of the situation?

I have tried hiding how I feel as Jane’s mother said that Jane “has a strong man behind her” (me) but I don’t feel it at all. Just fed up of the constant nonstop hassle which is likely to continue for a few years until the child is old enough to chose if they want a relationship with him or not.

Also, what can I do to support my partner? We think I may have ADHD but I already have a tempter when pushed too much.

Of course I know that despite my own wants, I can’t viciously assault him to teach him a lesson as I’ll lose my partner, the baby and my own future, however, given the crap he’s caused us, it’s unbelievable hard to just feel like I’m “sitting back” and “allowing it”

Important FYI, Jane is also 8 weeks pregnant which adds further worry as I don’t want her in potentially dangerous situations while carrying my child.

The last message Keith was listed above. Jane clarified his first, slightly poorly worded point, and agreed with the rest and that should have been conversation over. But now Keith has responded again. What’s there to respond? Nothing more needs saying now until next Thursday/Friday when Keith is due to have his child overnight on the Saturday? Just pointless harassment it feels like. Just any excuse to either disrupt our day or to spark pointless conversation that Jane has no interest in,

Thank you for reading. Open to any response. Just really struggling to keep myself together with all the extra stress.

I want to get better. I don’t want to give up. I want nothing more than to be better.

For a bit of backstory and context: July 2024 I get really unwell with tonsillitis. Two rounds of antibiotics and anti inflammatories before it goes. Because the tonsillitis was so bad, the chest infection that I had was completely missed. This turned into the pneumonia, which has left me with some sort of respiratory issue. We think asthma (which is what we’re treating) but I’m undergoing tests to find out exactly what’s wrong. Either way, I have to use a mobility scooter and I can’t do much anymore without pain/coughing/can’t breathe/being sick/needing to use the blue inhaler.

One of the medications my resp dr gave me was a tablet called montelukast. These can cause side effects such as sleep disturbances and mood disturbances. I would like to add, I noticed these side effects on Saturday last week (23rd Nov) and I stopped taking them last Monday (25th Nov).

I have bpd. My mood is often disturbed, without the extra help. I don't believe this is all caused by the tablets, but I do think they were the catalyst. I think it's general feelings of despair and hopelessness caused by, well... the late part of 2023 and 2024 as an entirety. I lost my Nan in Oct 23, my best friend in Jan 24, then I got poorly, everything has gone to shit, and it's all coming out very unhealthily thanks to the tablets.

I have self-harmed. I’m suicidal. I can just so plainly see how much better off everyone would be without me. My partner. My children. My friends. I can see what seeing me like this is doing to them and I just don’t know how much longer I can do this, I'm trying so hard and it's not getting better and I can't keep hurting everyone. My partner is wonderful but he’s said he feels lost at what to do. My friends are worried. I’m trying to keep it hidden from my children but they keep catching me crying, I have less patience than normal with them, it’s not their fault and well, it’s just not fair is it? On them, on anyone.

I don’t know how much fight I have left in me.

I’ve been in contact with the crisis team, I am waiting to hear back from the gp, I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing. And it’s getting worse and worse and worse.

I’m scared. I’m really scared.

I don't know if this is allowed but she left me and I've been thinking of ending it and I just want help finding a reason to live this can't be it this can't be why I do it but it might

I'm currently crying because I feel like I don't have a choice right now and I don't know what to do.

My brother will need a ton of support (they are dealing with mental issues) once they come home from the doctor and my mother cannot give it. I went to inspect the house while he's in the hospital and they are living in squalor.

I am currently staying with my aunt, who might have allowed me to stay longer since I've started therapy and I'm trying to get disability because I believe I've reached the point where I can no longer work.

My problem is if I go stay with my mother to help my brother, I will be stuck there. My concern is bringing something back to my aunts house because while my mother says she doesn't have any bugs, that doesn't mean that they don't. I'm already mentally fragile and not sure what else to do except reach out to my therapist to see if she can offer help, but I've literally only had one session. I was having suicide thoughts last year and don't think that will get better if I live with my mother. But I don't see how I can help my brother from afar. Part of me feels like if I go over there it will be the end of me. My mother is hard headed and doesn't seem to think she has a problem. Sadly, I don't think her losing one of her kids would even wake her up.

Hi everyone,

I’m about to become a father for the first time, and while I’m incredibly excited, I can’t deny I’m feeling anxious about the journey ahead. The uncertainty, the responsibility, and just wanting to be the best I can for my child have all been on my mind.

I know I’m not the only one who has felt this way, so I’m looking to connect with others who are navigating (or have navigated) this same path.

Does anyone know of communities, online spaces, or even apps where dads-to-be can share experiences, advice, and support? I’m especially interested in spaces that are positive and focused on mental wellness.

Thanks in advance for any suggestions or words of wisdom! 😊

!TW! ABUSE!

This is a long story, I am going to sum up our relationship, describe the probelm, and then put important bullet points at the end.

My brother and I are only two years apart. We didn't have it easy growing up, at all. Over our childhood my brother would often lash out on me or my parents. Threatening to kill us, hitting, kicking, us. We are now 17(me) and 19(him).

My brother has been diagnosed with BPD, schizoaffective disorder, ODD, Autism, ADD, anxiety and depression.

I am currently being pushed by my therapist to seek out diagnosis for various mental issues.

Recently, my brother has been saying that I am obessed with him. He has been saying that my friends and I have alt accounts to stalk his social media, and post him online to embarrass him. I stay far away from him on social media now. Which I will sum up why I do in the bullet points. When people press him further and ask for proof, he has none other then saying Im obessed with him. He believes I am the reason his friends leave him; I do not talk to his friends. The only time I did was because of my little sister. I know that he is telling his friends that I am doing this, because my little sister has told me. I am very scared because I do not know if he's revealed my personal info, taken pictures of me without my consent, or who these people are. I am very scared of the possibility of information about myself being out there to random people. I don't know what these people are capable of.

I'm struggling to understand why he's projecting this onto me. As twisted as it sounds, I genuinely do not care for him. I don't plan to have any sort of connection to him when I move out. Living with him is a constant reminder of things he's done to me and my family. I cant say I wish him well, that I hope he has a good life. I dont, I wish that he'd go through the same things he put me through. But, I really don't have the free time to stalk him, or the want to. I won't hurt him, or lash out unless he's done first. I'm just worried that my little sister and I could be under threat from random people. I've talked to my parents about this, and they just blame eachother. I feel like no one cares about my safety.

!BULLET POINTS OF SOME THINGS MY BROTHER DONE TO BETTER UNDERSTAND WHERE IM COMING FROM!

●He has threatened to kill me and my family in multiple ways, starting from a young age

●He has psychically abused me, and my family

●He has written fan fiction about me and published it online

●He has bullied me in various ways throughout the years

●He has gone on internet rants before calling me names, including places where people know me

●He has broken, and destroyed many things

I’m completely lost in thought rn. These past weeks I’ve been doing everything I’m supposed to and I felt fine- until tonight. It’s not a late thought I came up for my brain to toy with while I wait ‘till my seroquel hits, genuinely I feel stuck. There’s a part of me fantasizing of leaving everything behind, including the old me and the people who’ve helped built me up to who I am now. And that is SO wrong to think about but I don’t know why I’m craving that isolation. Time after time I’m able to figure out the stem of my thought-filled issues but this one is taking more time to gnaw at. If anyone has suggestions of what this feeling may be, feel free to share or PM me. <3

*Trigger Warning*

Some background: I (28m) moved home to pursue a job a few weeks ago. My dad lives at home and my mom lives in a different state. They are still together but in different states because of work. My dad is older, slightly past 70, and has had Clinical depression most of his life.

I moved home partly to help my father and tried to be excited and demonstrate new life skills that I learned from living on my own (cooking, cleaning, excercising etc..) My mom said when she last came to visit my dad he was... falling behind with household chores. Honestly, from what I see, this doesn't seem to be the case. But he does seem to be different. Much... darker? He has never been much of a talker, but he barely talks, and when he does he just seems really old and depressed. I can't remember the last time I saw him really excited about a single thing. It really hurts.

Anyways, even his constant low depressed energy would be tolerable, however I've heard him say things in the past couple weeks that I really don't know how to deal with. In the past two weeks, on four different occasions, ive heard him say the following things (to himself):

1. I really don't know anymore

2. I give up

3. I hate my life

And tonight, I heard him say one of the following:

4. Either: I want to kill myself OR I'm going to kill myself. I believe it was the latter.

In all cases, he was talking to himself when I think he thought noone could hear him. I don't know who to talk to about this, or how to help. My dad has a lot going for him, hes retired, he has a wife, and healthy adult children who now live close. Everyone is supportive and wants to help but he wont even help himself. Everyone was just here for Thanksgiving, and although we have a small family, it was a lovely time. No fights, relatatively low stress, games and everyone was present and talking about plans for future. Our family has had a rough go of things but it really felt like this Thanksgiving we began coming out the other side of the difficult times.

Yet, in this season which should have been his happiest, he says he wants to kill himself. Today my mom and sister went home and it's just me in the house with him. If anyone with clinical depression or other mental health experience could help me understand either how to help, or at least what he may be feeling, it would really help.

(18 M) Everyday is the same, I know you have to actively work to make it different but I have no energy for that. I can't sleep more than 5 hours a night and it's always horrible sleep that doesn't even recharge or energize me in the morning. This means I end up sitting around wasting my time doing nothing, I can't even get hired at a simple minimum wage job like McDonalds (I have worked since I was 14 but I've been unemployed since September 2024)

I've been to the hospital twice in two months now and I think I'm changing for the worse. I've had mental health issues since I was 10 because of traumatic event's and how I was raised but it feels different now. I just want to die, before I wanted to die but I had reasons to stay. The only person left in my life is my girlfriend (She's the only person that really means anything to me but she'd move on) I can't see her all the time so I'm just stuck living with my family that does not understand, nor care enough to actually help me. I'm drowning and I don't know what to do anymore. All I do is smoke when I get my hands on extra cash but that's because it's the only thing I can afford to do, it used to be fun but now I just feel the same emotionally as I do when I'm sober. Medication doesn't help, therapy helped at first but now it doesn't. It feels like nothing really will help. I live in Canada which makes all of this way worse. Our healthcare may be free but it is the slowest system on the planet and it just makes my situation feel even more hopeless.

I can see how I'm hurting the people around me but that just makes me feel worse, sometimes I consider making my self homeless and just letting fate decide the rest.

I'm so tired of waking up everyday and I don't know what to do anymore.

I don’t know what is wrong with me, I need some help but I don’t know where to go, mentally I know I can kill some one and not feel bad about it, I’ve shot deer and not felt bad, all my family members for some reason always cried when they shot there first deer but I just stood over it thinking I don’t know why they are crying and my parents are asleep next to my room, I feel like I can just go in there and kill them and feel nothing, the only thing stopping me is the repercussions

I don’t know what is wrong with me, I need some help but I don’t know where to go, mentally I know I can kill some one and not feel bad about it, I’ve shot deer and not felt bad, all my family members for some reason always cried when they shot there first deer but I just stood over it thinking I don’t know why they are crying and my parents are asleep next to my room, I feel like I can just go in there and kill them and feel nothing, the only thing stopping me is the repercussions

I'll feel this way usually at least once every week, or every night if I Don't have music to listen to. I don't imagine that a person or group of people will attack me, but usually some kind of demon or metaphysical thing despite not believing in demons. A few years ago, it would be so bad that I would have panic attacks a lot, but its much rarer now. I think it may be some sort of sleep anxiety, but I never am afraid of a real thing hurting me.

I simply just exist to survive day to day, I wake up, go to college, make dinner then sleep, I’m too burnt out to care for any of my hobbies and I have no friends

I have nothing or no one to look forward to, I just live but I’m not happy and I’m exhausted

I've been suffering with chronic back pain for over 2 years now, as well as depression, anxiety and c-PTSD. The pain is the worst tho. It's caused by compressed and bulging disc between L5/S1, causing constant pain in my back, and nerve pain in bladder and legs.

It torn my life apart, my mental health is worse than ever, I spiralled into drug abuse because of getting next to no treatment despite doing what I could, I managed to stabilize my use somewhat tho. I can't function normally, but I have to get a job because insurance stopped paying me.

I don't feel like myself anymore, I don't even recognize myself. I hate what I've become. It's ruining my relationship with my gf, and it feels like we are close to breaking up, she's the last good thing left in my life. I lash out, not because Iam angry, but because I can't take the pain anymore, but people interpret it as anger, causing issues.

There's nothing that can be done to actually fix the pain.

I can't live in this agony for the rest of my life, it's torture. Iam considering ending it all at this point, I don't want to, but it feels like the only way to stop this suffering.

I would be thankful for any advice or anything. I can't live like this

It all started when seventeens dates for their world tour was announced. I was really disappointed and mad that Canada was not added because I wasted 2 yrs waiting and waiting with hope for them to come back here only to find out they won’t. What makes it worse is the fact that they could have had an ot13 tour before jeonghans enlistment but hybe decided that they are not doing that and made a “world tour” which includes Korea japan and 5 cities in the us and ofc no Canada. I was and am still really frustrated about that because this was my only chance to see ot13 but now I can’t and won’t be able to see them all together for a long time. To think that by the time all of them are gonna be done with their service I will be 27 scares me a lot, because I don’t know if I will still be just as obsessed with them as I am rn. I’ve been into them for the past 5yrs and to think that I might not even like them at some point in my life scares me a lot. They were not my first group in kpop but they were the best and the most sincere group that loved their members and fans a lot. I remember having depression a long time ago that changed me and the way I acted to the point that it was noticeable by closed ones around me. they were what got me out of that situation. Everytime something happened that upset me or someone annoyed or disappointed me I would always listen to their song hug. Even tho it was just a song the lyrics were so comforting to the point that it made me think that was a hug from them to me? I dont know how to explain it but that’s exactly how I felt. Everytime I listened to that song it felt like a physical hug from them. I listened to it sm to the point that now whenever it’s played all I think about is the bad moment I had that made me listen to it. It brings me back to that time and reminds me of how bad it was and how I had no one but them comforting me even if they didn’t know they were. They made me feel so loved and changed me as a person. I now know my worth as a person because of them and sometimes I think back to the times I didn’t know them. Would I have been here today if it wasn’t for them? I’m gonna be completely honest and say no I would not have been here today if I didn’t know them. I love my family so much but most of my problems and stress come from them so going to them for comfort is something I don’t ever think of doing. Also I tried mentioning my love for seventeen to them multiple times but I never feel heard. I feel like they don’t think of it as a big deal. Maybe they think it’s an era I’m going through and that I will get over them someday? Well it’s been 5yrs and here I am still just as attached if not more than before. I’m also scared because of something else about them that might not be true at all but I’m a paranoid person who overthinks everything so this has been on my mind. What if they are horrible ppl off screen? As a fan there’s only sm u know about them or u only know what they want you to know. After the case burning sun I’ve become extremely paranoid of who I stan because no matter who it is and how much I love them, if I find out they did horrible things in the past or present. I will not stick around any longer. Now for seventeen it’s different because they are a self made group while most of those involved were already popular from their debut. But I just can’t stop thinking about it. And I’m scared because I’m so attached to them I’m scared I will brush off their bad doings. Even tho my morals come before anything else seeing them and thinking about it makes me scared because no matter how much I say I won’t stick around anymore. I really won’t ever know what I will actually do if something like this did come out. Now it’s seventeen. Im convinced they they are the least likely to do this cause of the mistreatment and abuse they had to go through in order to make it. And they worked so hard to get to where they are now and I’m positive are thankful to every single fan that helped them and would not not want to disappoint us like that. But u never know and that’s what’s scary. The hate that they have been getting recently is also effecting me a lot. Yes they were wrong to include dj Khalid cause after all he is a bad person but like it’s hard to tell if they already knew about it or if they were clueless. They are also humans just like us so obv they’re not gonna know everything that’s going on the internet and to see them getting so much hate for this and have their own parents reach out to us to tell us to send love to the boys cause they need it scares me. It makes me wonder how they are feeling. If they are gonna be okay. And knowing them, they probably already do know of this issue so that’s why their parents would reach out for help like that. It also reminds me of moonbins passing. As much as I hate to admit it I often think what would happen to me if one of the member passes on for either suicide or other reasons. Now I wasn’t a huge fan of moonbins at the time he passed. I knew him (I used to watch Astro a lot that’s how I know of him) and definitely loved him and his bubbly personality not to mention that hes friends with alot of seventeen members. But the day he passed was one of the worst days in my years of living until now. And what makes it worse is the reaction of my family members especially my mother. I was doing so bad mentally because of it and had 3 panic attacks in 1 day which really affected me. It was my first time experiencing a panic attack not to mention three of them and to think that while I was in the middle of one, all I remember is my mother yelling at me for “ overreacting”. now I really don’t know why I was acting like that and why I was so effected by his passing cause I was never that much of a fan of his but the reaction of my mother at that moment was making me worse. So much worse. This is a kind of pain I would never wish on my worse enemy. I was having panic attacks and was overthinking too much but what did my family do? Nothing.now if this is how I reacted to the passing of a person I used to like but I am now just a causal fan of. I sometimes think of how I would have reacted if it was a seventeen member instead. Ik this is a really bad way of thinking but I can’t help it. I’m scared of it happening and I’m scared of what might happen to me if it does end up happening. After all they are my ultimate group and they always will be. I did realize yrs later why I was acting like that when he passed. Moonbin was such a bubbly person and someone you would never expect this from. I remember watching a fancam of him interacting with fans 2 days before he died and he looked so normal and smiley that it really scared me. It reminded me of the fact that like I said before we don’t know these idols, hence we don’t know what they’re going through and what they are feeling. And that they could be putting all of this act up while thinking about suicide. It’s scary especially now. Seventeen especially hoshi their happy virus are getting so much hate and it got so bad that their parents had to be involved. I’m scared. I dont know what to do. I don’t know who to tell all of this to. I know I need help. I’ve been asking for it but why is it not coming to me. All I need is for someone to comfort me and tell me everything is gonna be okay. Is that too much to ask for? Why does mom keep telling me to sell my dog milo. Why. He’s the only one that’s actually paying attention to me. He’s the one who knows when I’m sad. Hes the one who makes me feel better sometimes. Why does she want to sell him so bad? He’s just a fucking dog. They are calling me a bad mother who doesn’t take care of him well but what about them? I’m not the one who brought him here. But I couldn’t let them sell him so I’m taking care of him myself while struggling to pay off my debt at the same time. Why am I called the bad mother who doesn’t take care of him well when the one who bought him (my sister) abandoned him soon after. She made us take him out and help pay for him bills when she first got him. So why is she not helping at all after leaving him to me like that. This is so unfair. I sometimes think of selling but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t. I don’t know what to do. I thought leaving her to mom would do the trick and make her help out a bit at least by taking him out but why is mom leaving her too? I told mom to talk to her multiple times so why am I the one dealing with the aftermath of her mess. She promised to take care of him and pay all of his bills before she got him. So why did she abandon him just as fast. They think selling him will make him happier. But in reality it really won’t. He’s been with us for so long selling him now is gonna damage him more then anything. And how does she know that the next keepers will treat him better? She doesn’t. It’s risky and something I don’t wanna do no matter how much debt he puts me in because how makes me happy by the end of the day. I’m been so stressed these days. School started but I haven’t done a single assignment yet. I’m so upset about the seventeen situation that everytime i listen to their music i end up crying. I don’t know what’s going on with me. I feel so alone. I was with my sisters in the car the other day and I was listening to seventeen and I ended up crying again. I didn’t wanna tell them anything but they don’t need to know what’s wrong with me to comfort me. All I needed was a hug. All I fucking needed was a hug and it’s the one thing they didn’t give me. My sister (the middle) like usual yelled at me during my mental break down. While the youngest did absolutely nothing. I’m always there for them so why aren’t they there for me? I can’t watch seventeen at the moment too because of my emotions. Everytime I see them on the screen I get emotional. Why? I don’t know. I’m not doing my work instead I’m watching dramas one after the other to distract myself but it can only work for so long. I can’t fucking comfort myself by listening to seventeen. Why do I keep crying when I listen to their song. What’s wrong with me? I don’t know what to do with myself. I seriously need help. My head hurts really bad. My body also feels so numb. I don’t know what’s wrong. I need help.

(this is a few months later) I’ve been watching k dramas a lot these past few months. Like more than I normally do and it did help me temporarily get better but I realized now that that was a big mistake. I kind of knew that it was not normal especially since I had schoolwork to do and I was rewatching shows more than starting new ones, but I didn’t really think of it much. It is now December and I haven’t even finished my first assignment but here I am rewatching my 10th+ show and I’m not exaggerating when I say that. I’ve been trying to do my work but I just can’t. I really can’t explain it but I feel like I’m being held back. So I keep watching dramas. I started the show “ alchemy of souls” with my mother a few weeks ago and I was so happy that she loved it. I wanted to show my sisters too but they declined at first. Then I made a deal with the youngest and she said ok. The deal was to walk Milo for her 5-6 times if she watches it with me. I agreed. We watched the first episode and she said she liked it. She said she’ll watch the other episodes later with me and I said ok. It’s been over a week now and that’s all she’s been saying, that she will watch it later. Or that she’s not in the mood. My patience can only go so far so when she said that she wasn’t in the mood today as well I flipped out. I’ve flipped out before but it was never this bad. Heck I even thought of hurting her but thank god I held myself back. I didnt know why I was like that. But I went to the room, had a chat with mom. I didn’t tell her anything but she hugged me and left. I felt a little better after that. I tried getting up but I fell and hurt my head on the bed frame, it hurt but I didn’t have the energy to get up so I stayed on the ground for some time. I was just staring at my ceiling. I’m trying to think. Why am I going this far? what is going on with me. But I bawled once again cause I realized that I don’t have seventeen to comfort me anymore. I felt like the world was closing up on me. I actually thought of dying. I wouldn’t go through all of this pain that I can’t even fix myself if I was gone. And my family would regret what they did to me and maybe realize how important I actually was in our dynamic. I know I’m an important person. And I also know that they all love me. But these thoughts still come and I can’t get them to go away. This has been going on for months, these feelings I’m feeling. But I actually exploded today. I couldn’t handle it anymore. Would my sister(youngest) regret not watching it with me when I was alive? Would the other sis wish she spent more time with me instead of others. Would mom finally realize that the only thing that was keeping me alive was her and seventeen. I feel like she still doesn’t understand how important they are to me. Even tho she saw my condition first hand. She thinks it’s something I can fix myself but I can’t they were my number 1 comfort group. And they comforted me through EVERYTHING. So now that I’m like this because of them mainly. I have no idea what to do. I asked for help. Nothing. I told my family that I’m not okay. They dont care. Or at least that’s how it looks to me. This letter that I spilled my heart to. That was only supposed to be for me and the professionals that can help me get out of this. I showed it to my mother. I told her to read it to try and understand me. I asked her if she did and she said yes. But nothing else. Nothing. So she read all of this but has no comments? None? I doubt she actually did read it. I gave it to her less then an hour before my work. My sisters came home 5 minutes later and I heard them all conversating from my room. I went to get my phone from her and she didn’t even get past the first half. She probably read the bit about seventeen and didn’t think it was as serious as she thought. They are probably all tired of me and my obsession with seventeen. But it was never my plan to get this attached to them. It was even scary at first. But I got used to it. Now I’m siting in my room. Wondering why I reacted like that when it hit me. All along I was watching these dramas to distract myself only for it to hit me in the back. Because now that’s my comfort zone. I remember I used to make big deals when my sisters tell me they are gonna watch seventeen but pull back on their words and i get mad. Like I get this mad. Now it’s happening with the shows I’m telling them to watch. Watching dramas is now my way of distracting myself from reality. And it’s me trying to comfort myself. And just like how I want my family to see the group that helped me become a better me and got me out of my worst states and relieved my stress. Having them watching these shows is also me trying to show them these shows that are really good at that too. They have comforted me and made me forget about seventeen momentarily. But this is not making me better. In fact I’m getting worse. Now I’m back to square one. And I don’t know what to do.

I'm in my fifth semester on university, my grades are SO so low that my Kardex is below 60. Five. Semesters. And is not even because im dumb, teachers have seen my work and they've told me that I have a lot of potential and talent, the only thing I'm lacking is dedication. I don't have any dedication. I got six or seven subjects this semester and I passed only two, I don't even have the energy to go into EX (which is a test you do so you don't fail the class), I don't have energy to do anything. I didn't do anything this whole semester. I didn't do shit this whole career. I'm a fucking failure and only because I don't have any energy to do anything, I've been feeling like this for so so long and I used to have good grades back in high school but now that I'm in university and "free" basically I'm a fucking failure, I'm failing every single god damn subject and it's ridiculous, it's humiliating. And I know that it's 100% my fault and the consequences of my actions, nobody knows that I'm failing because it's such a fucking embarrassment going from the art kid who will be a great artist to a fucking failure in ART SCHOOL. I have do many advantages but I'm still falling SO so behind. I'm a fucking failure. I can't concentrate on shit, I can't take care of myself, I can't even fucking brush my teeth or clean my room. Am I really that lazy? Am I THAT much of a fucking failure? What will happen when I graduate and they announce my final grade? What will everyone think? Easy, that I'm a fucking failure