Hi all, would appreciate advice as to how to navigate a cross-country move from a MCOL area to a HCOL area with two boys (1yr + 3yr) and going down to one-income as smoothly as possible. My husband graduates neurosurgery resident on 6/21/25 and his peds epilepsy fellowship start date is 7/1/25. We are selling our current house with the intention of having me take the year off as an RN currently working two part time gigs to support our family. For those of you that have done this, should I arrive first with the boys and set up our rental while he wraps up everything here or should he go first and we would follow after? We will have friends in the city that he is doing fellowship in but not the kind of support that we have built up here in the past 7 years during residency. His parents are 3 hrs away and they both work so I hesitate to ask anything of them as they’re also in their 70s. Is it ridiculous for me to be putting the boys into in home half day programs to give myself some bandwidth with the hope that we will recoup all the money after he finally finishes and we have attending money? Any and all advice and insight appreciated.

Hi everyone,

I’m entering my first year of med school. I have a beautiful partnership of 8 years and we recently got married, no kids yet. My wife has been incredibly supportive and will be the sole earner to support both of us while I’m in school. I’ve been doing a lot of work to learn the process and keep my wife informed of anything and everything I can learn about being a med student, residency and so on. I’m making sure that she is a part of decision making, especially for things that will impact our lives significantly. We have a great marriage and have been cohabitating for 5 years. She will be moving to a new country with me for this. She is making a lot of sacrifices for me. We will be long distance for year 1 and then move in together near my school in year 2.

This is a vague question but for the med spouses here, I would greatly appreciate any advice you could give me for being a good partner to my wife while I do this med student and residency thing. Any lessons learned you can share, any triggers or concerns that I should be mindful of, etc. I want to protect her from doing all the emotional labour during this tough time. I am afraid of being a totally useless husband.

Thank you in advance.

Husband is 2.5 years into being an attending at a single-coverage rural hospital in Northern Michigan. Works 12 hour shifts, which, because of single-coverage, lean more towards 13-14hrs. Works 12-13 of these a month, half of which are nights.

Our son was born days before graduating residency and I'm currently home with him full-time. The first 18 months were incredibly rough - he was colicky and woke me up 12-20 times a night (yes, you read that right). He went on to be diagnosed with severe sleep apnea at 10 months and later had 3 surgeries for laryngomalacia, subglottic stenosis, and then adenoid/tonsil hypertrophy. There was a ton of medical gaslighting that happened, including from my husband, who insisted I was just anxious when I would adamantly declare that something was wrong with my son's breathing and sleep. Anyways, I mention this because it's been 2.5 years of broken sleep for me. In that time, my husband has cared for my son at night a total of 4 nights. Otherwise, husband sleeps in a different room on a different floor.

This is where some contention arises. My husband's sleep needs are very high. When he's well rested, he needs a minimum of 10-10.5 hrs of sleep. When he's post- nights, he sleeps close to 18-22 hrs for an average of 3 days following a string of nights. This has grated on me this past year, as my son has become more active and more wanting of his father's attention. Inevitably, every couple months we get into an argument...I either say the wrong thing or say it in the wrong tone, a complaint essentially, when he's in this post-night zombie phase. He gets annoyed of me, annoyed of our toddler, and over and over again he emphasizes how important his recovery is. Nothing is more important than his sleep and recovery because that's what he needs in order to function at work, pay the bills, etc etc. If I am feeling burnt out from being home on my own with a toddler for up to 14 days at a time, it simply does not matter as much.

Anyways, I could ramble on forever, but I'm really hoping to hear from others who have navigated some of these issues. How in the world do you cater to your exhausted, cranky med spouse, while caring for young children, without developing any sort of resentment? When he's on a day schedule, we almost never argue. But night shifts are killing us. Any words of wisdom, support...anything ❤️.

I (female) have been dating a resident (male) for 5-6mos.

He went out of his way at first but, while our relationship has perhaps gotten more serious (key to his place, met his friends, etc), he's not made much of an effort and always says he's tired and often checked out. I understand this when he's working nights and more difficult rotations, but when he's working 8-5 clinic rotations, it's hard for me to be as understanding & not take it personal.

So tell me!...

— What's it like dating as a resident? - How can I be more supportive of him?

— What would you need from a partner as a resident? (i.e. time alone to decompress, help with errands, etc. Open to ideas.)

— Do you think these issues are residency related or "he's just not that into you" related?

— What's worked for you in a relationship during residency?

— Anything else you think I should know? I'm open to candid advice and opinions.

We are exclusive, and I want to be understanding while also staying in my worth.

Also- he has about 1 more year of residency. He means a lot to me, but l'd hate to put myself through this only to realize residency wasn't really the problem.

Hi, My situation is a little different from many of the posts I’ve seen here. I considered posting in a dating advice subreddit, but I don’t think that would provide the specific advice I need. My girlfriend is in her second year of residency. We’ve been dating for about 4 months now, and there are a few issues that are really bothering me. I’m not sure how to address them or if these problems are normal during residency. She has taken out her work-related frustration and stress on me a couple of times, being extremely critical and reactive about small things and blowing them out of proportion. For example, she got frustrated with how I explain things. When I apologized, said I understood, and expressed that I felt insecure about this, she doubled down on her viewpoint and then blamed me for keeping her up too late. That conversation left me feeling unsafe to be vulnerable at all. She has also lashed out numerous times over minor issues, which has impacted my trust in her. She also became defensive when I asked if she wanted to try the app Paired. I offered it as an idea and made it clear it was okay if she didn’t want to, but it turned into a multi-day conversation where she basically said that even mentioning it felt like pressure to her. This is making me feel like I can’t say anything at all. There are other smaller issues that bother me as well. She never asks about my day and rarely provides emotional support. I understand that she’s busy and exhausted much of the time, and that she doesn’t have much emotional energy, but even a little reciprocation would be nice. I’ve even stopped being the first to reach out because I’m worried about how she’ll perceive it. I should add that I have a history of sexual abuse and significant trauma. I’ve been working on this - 3 years of weekly therapy, EMDR, ART - so it’s not like I’m neglecting self-improvement. I have a lot of self-awareness. However, this entire situation has me questioning whether our relationship can work. I’m wondering how much of this is because of residency. I know it’s been suggested that she’s addressing me in the same way an attending might address her- which obviously isn’t good. Will it ever improve?I’m just feeling very hopeless about it all.

Hello everyone. My fiancé (M39) is in EM and normally works 80 hours + weekly. Despite working long hours he still manages to be an amazing partner. Last year was our first Christmas together but my dad had recently passed so I didn’t celebrate . This year I want to pamper him. He was my rock through it all.

So far I have bought him a personalized luxury bath robe, a nice passport holder, a key chain and shirt from his fav brand of car and some Nike shoes.

We just ordered a cold plunge and sauna as our Christmas gift. So I’m thinking a nice essential oils kit.

What are you all getting your SO? What past presents have they really enjoyed receiving?

Wife is 18 mos from end of fam med residency in US. She knows the region, but unsure how to find gigs. Any good resources outside of just cold calling?

My partner (26M) is an OMS-1 and we are in an LDR setup (intercontinental). Every time they have block exam and right now their finals week, I feel unsure on where I stand in his life. I understand that med school is demanding, and I am always trying to be patient and understanding, but no matter what I do, I feel neglected. I feel jealous on how the people near him can have more contact and update about him and I know this sounds irrational but I just can’t help but feel lost and anxious. I keep on breaking down without him knowing so I won’t add up to the stress he is facing right now.

I feel resentful because I celebrated my birthday and our meeting anniversary without him being totally present on call. I felt lonely.

I know this won’t get any better but sometimes I can’t help but think maybe med students are really meant for med students because they are the ones who can totally sympathize with their schedules and frustrations (I am a newly registered nurse so I can’t help but feel the difference between the profession).

I would like to ask for some advice on how to cope with this as this is all new to me. If someone can be willing to talk to through DMs I would really appreciate it.

I wanted to post this awhile ago to see if i should end my relationship. 4th year med student moved in w me 1.5 years agoo. Good times- lots of issues logistics, house chores, both of us saying what we need. I feel alone in our problems. 5 months ago he buys a house and starts residency. I debate not also renting my apartment but keeping it incase i need it eventually. Im 34 and want kids and marriage. I struggle to speak up but i do it. We have problems, he doesnt listen when i say i didnt feel he was there for me, then one of us yells or gets mad. Ive never been like this but he drives me crazy always needing to chill when he comes home, then i feel so bad and do everything, and i wonder how i take care of a beautiful home and not have children yet. I said lets evaluate this. When i say this, he does his classic, invalidate me by saying why everything is fine. I asked about our timeline and we said 6 months ago we would talk and i bring it up 5 months later and he says 6 more months (till talk about getting engaged then get pregrnat then) i felt he moved the goal post for that but maybe i didnt understand too. We made a couples therapy appointment for December. I broke up, said i was staying at my moms (didnt offically break up but was going to do it at my own pace), i ended up joining bumble, just to look and then had emergency at moms (mice and fleas in house) and he helped me. His great uncle had recently passed and we started taking. He found out i was on bumble and things got deep and we both have felt up and down since then about our future. Could there be any? I feel i have too much ocd, and think too differently and come from my background. Culturally he is syrian and 6 years younger. Since residency not as much shared activities, shared house tasks or straight chill vibes. Is that our sign? Or am I the problem who cant fix things and work things out?

Friends! Ill start with some thanksgiving gratitude and say I am grateful for this community and all the support.

Any advice on waiting out Residency Match? I'm glad to say we received interviews from a number of good options and I'm excited about 55% of the locations (the rest would be fine too, just not as excited). My partner has involved me a lot in this process, which I'm really grateful for... I just really want to know where we're going!

Beyond the general "fill your time" advice, does anyone have any specific advice on how to wait this thing out?

There's only so many times I can check ResidencyMatch a day 😆

I’ve recently started seeing man who is 45 and Chief of ICU. He also does work with a separate company that does airlifting. And he is currently working on a medical app… so as you can imagine he is incredibly busy. He also has two kids that he shares custody with so double the busy.

As expected … he doesn’t have a lot of time for dates. Coincidentally, we live in the same neighbourhood, so that’s been helpful.

The problem isn’t that he’s too busy; I kind of like that because I’m in my 40s and like my alone time. I just wanted to ask if it’s reasonable for him to not ask me out on dates. Ever! He does initiate “getting together “ and is very sweet, he orders nice dinners and wines and we get along great. I’m just curious if your husbands are finding time for date nights or if this is just a situation where time is too limited. I don’t even really want to go on dates. I just want him to ask me to one and I’ll be happy.

We’re in Canada btw in case that makes a difference

I am looking at attending medical school and after going into radiology residency in the next year as someone who is in my early 30s with a pretty good career already and two kids and a wife. Who has been in this same boat? I am just looking to get someone else's story, suggestions and how to approach this next stage of my life.

A little about me:

• Male early 30s

• Undergrad in electrical engineering, masters in electrical engineering, masters in physics

• Been working in various engineering/physics roles for ~ 10 years

• Currently work as a chief engineer/physicist of r&d in mri design and development.

My job is very flexible and I will work thru the four years of medical school as well. I'm used to large workloads and staying busy as both of my masters were while I was working, and I found it quite easy actually. I understand medical school has a larger amount of material to learn, but the concepts are nowhere near as difficult to grasp as my other degrees. I understand it's going to be a lot of work, but I like studying and learning new things.

I want to go into radiology not just because it's one of the medical disciplines with better work-life balance, but because I have always been a problem solver, and it seems like each scan is like a little puzzle that needs to be deciphered.

Any input from those that went a similar route is greatly appreciated. If you have any questions feel free to ask.

I had a massive venting session with my therapist about how in the last couple of weeks, the semester has started to weigh on me and I am so exhausted from working full time and maintaining the household. But I also know we get to go home for Christmas in a few weeks, the semester ends on December 12th, and my hubby gets a 3.5 week break!!

I know we are all so drained right now, but we are SO CLOSE!! Also, here's your sign to plan that summer vacation. Utilize those loans, friends!

Hello Everyone,

I am a sociologist and also a significant other to a physician, a resident. There was a recent study called "Impact of Work on Personal Relationships and Physician Well-being" which made me curious!. I have made a survey, kindly asking anyone who is a significant other to a MD/DO,PA-C,DNP,CRNA,CAA, etc to fill out, to get their perspective on how their significant other's job affects their personal relationships.

This physician study found that many physicians experience work-related isolation and detachment from loved ones. This is linked to increased burnout. Women, younger physicians, and those with young children are at higher risk. High workload, night shifts, and certain specialties like emergency medicine and physical medicine and rehabilitation are also associated with higher levels of this isolation.

The study suggests that this is a systemic issue within the medical profession, rather than an individual problem. Organizations should implement policies to protect work-life balance, reduce workload, and foster a supportive work environment. Additionally, individual support for physicians struggling with isolation may be beneficial.

The top six specialities with the highest odds of moderate or high impact were

Emergency medicine 93%

PM&R 67%

Neurology 24%

Family Medicine 18%

Internal Medicine 18%

With the lowest odds of impact on their personal lives included pathology, general surgery, and urology. 

https://www.mayoclinicproceedings.org/article/S0025-6196(24)00146-0/fulltext

The Purpose of the Survey

I am interested in the spouses of those in intense medical professions. I want to explore how their significant other’s work affects their personal relationships, not only with their spouse but also with their children and others.

Hopefully, this survey can provide a better sociological perspective. It’s important to recognize the contributions of doctors, PAs, NPs, and others in these demanding professions, but it’s equally important to acknowledge the unique challenges faced by their spouses as they navigate these careers from a different angle.

I will close the survey December 26, 2024 at midnight, ET. Please feel free to send to other Medspouses. Thank you for your time.

Here is the survey link: https://forms.gle/N4NmbwoLzZLSaZBa9

this link is addendum to survey to clarify if anyone would like to add their current employment status, or add that they do more than one type of job : https://forms.gle/WKYnA9hVu4ybp7Dx9

I don’t know how much longer I can do this. My husband is in his M3 year in a small rural town. I’m used to big cities having lived in New York for four years, then dc the next. I’ve joined a fully remote team that I enjoy much less than my original team to accommodate the move and to follow my husband. This past year has been nothing but built resentment over moving jobs, moving to a less than ideal location, and leaving friends/family. On top of this he’s so busy with school, rotations and classes that I’m the one in charge of most of the housework, bills, etc. on top of my full time job. My question is, is this to be expected of a medspouse? How much longer until I feel that all of this change is worth it when it’s tearing me apart day by day (and it sounds dramatic but I’m really struggling here). He complains that I simply don’t put in the effort to try and enjoy it here but the environment is obviously not conducive to my types of hobbies. How can I stop building this hatred and resentment towards him and med school?

Hi everyone!

My partner is a first year resident and has been having a lot of anxiety & depression recently. He is feeling inadequate, dealing with imposter syndrome, and catastrophizing about how he feels like he will be fired (though, there has been nothing he has done that is of concern).

He did SOAP, and ended up in a speciality that was not this top choice. I think this is where a lot of the anxiety and feeling like he doesn’t “belong” is coming from.

I want to start doing daily check ins with him- and am wondering if any of you have any specific questions you like to ask your partners as a “temperature” check.

I like to ask him to name a few things he felt like he did well today. But, I feel like that’s not enough. Of course I’m always providing reassurance and support, but I’m wondering if there are any pointed questions that could help him talk through his tough emotions during this time.

Thanks in advance, y’all 🩷

Do any of you ever feel like you have to pull the "My spouse is a physician" card or even have to get them involved in order to get the care you need?

I feel like I'm just increasingly stuck in this feedback loop where I don't get taken seriously unless I get my spouse involved and I feel like it's ludicrous and shouldn't be that way AT ALL and it almost feels like it has been across the board, specialist or not. I had a bunch of symptoms that my provider was basically ignoring and now everything has just kinda come to a head and my spouse asked them to order the test I was asking for which came back positive for THE EXACT PROBLEM I THOUGHT I HAD IN THE FIRST PLACE. But if I ask for the test, they don't see the need. They get a text from my spouse and they're on it faster than lightning.

Of course I'm going to use whatever I have at my disposal to make sure my health is taken care of but I feel guilty that others could be going through so many things and not getting the attention they need.

Hello, recent medspouse here :) My husband is an M1 in NYC, and I’ve started planning Christmas gifts. With recently landing my first job and having bills, we’ve been talking about saving more and being mindful of pricey wants vs. needs (mostly me 😭)

That said, this has made Christmas shopping so hard because I really want to treat him! I’m not talking about anything super expensive or luxury, but I’d like him to have a few things to open—useful things that he’ll enjoy. It’s our first Christmas together in our place and although we will probably be traveling between both sides of the family, I will want to have a little moment to open gifts with each other. I’ve been considering getting him some professional clothes or tickets to something like a sport or show 😭. I will definitely add some small fun things but I am all over the place when it comes to the main gift. What do you guys recommend, or what are you getting your husbands? Mine never wants anything and gift guides always feel so cliché. Last year was easier since I could focus on med school essentials, but now I’m at a loss.

Also, sorry if this is too specific of a question, but what are realistic budgets for you and your partners? We usually discuss it every year, but I’d love to hear from those of you who’ve been navigating medspouse life and budgeting during the holidays. Also thinking about gifts for our families as this year the budget is definitely a little tighter for those gifts. I am so excited to start decorating but thinking about all of this is stressing me out 😭 Christmas is exhausting.

Thank you in advance and I look forward to chatting with more of you in this group as I navigate through this journey! 😊

I was going to post this in relationship advice, but I thought this sub might be better as you all can relate to being a med spouse. My partner is a current MS3 and we’ve been together for 7 years and have lived together since he started school. I’ve learned to lower my expectations of having a “normal” relationship, but lately things have felt exhausting. The most common theme is me feeling like we don’t spend any real quality time together. When he is home, he is exhausted and doesn’t want to do anything but be on his phone, play video games, watch tv, etc. It has gotten to the point where he has his AirPods in his ears from the moment he gets home to the moment he goes to bed. I’ve been trying so hard to be patient, but he just finished his surgery rotation and immediately started making plans with his friends/family and has made no effort to do the same with me. I of course WANT him to spend time with all of the other important people in his life, but I can’t help but feel so hurt and jealous that he doesn’t have the same desire/excitement to spend quality time with me. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he says “i feel like all of my free time is spent with you”. Meanwhile, I feel like we just co-exist. Has anyone else gone through this? I’m struggling so much right now and I know things will just get harder once residency starts.

Hi! I’m trying to help my husband compile a list of responses to get him out of the room when seeing a patient. My husband is super polite and empathetic so he has a hard time leaving/staying on time. Looking for go to phrases to help him!

Please ask your med spouse partner what they use to leave the room.

Thank you!!

My fiance works in medicine. He has started going to a female coworkers home for a few hours every weekend, alongside almost daily study sessions online with her. This is to study for an exam he has coming up. The exam involves communication so that's why he wanted a study partner.

They have started studying online which I didn't mind. However he has recently started going over to hers. This is for a few hours either on a Saturday or Sunday every weekenend. She has a boyfriend, sometimes he's there, but not always. I'm assuming the reason they don't meet in a public place is due to convenience or places to study not being open.

My fiance said she is reluctant to come to our home to study as she prefers being in her home. Apparently her home is bigger and nice than ours so that's why she prefers to stay there. Am I being unreasonable to be uncomfortable with this situation?

Dating a specialist surgeon just wondering if I’m being dramatic I’m an ENFP and like a lot of talking and cuddling and some days he is quiet just stares at tv or nature and I feel a little invisible? He says he likes me and is seeing me only

My spouse is a 5th year surgical resident and has what's known as 'the hardest' rotation of residency coming up. It's notorious for 3-4 hrs of sleep per night for 12 weeks straight, plus call and a ton of admin work. Unfortunately, I have two events that will cause me to be away for two consecutive weekends - a wedding and my sisters baby shower. I brought up the travel tonight and he was mad I was traveling and "leaving him alone." He gets frustrated that I won't be there for 7 days total to ensure he has meals / sleeps etc. I feel so torn and frustrated because I feel like an awful partner on one hand and want to put him first, but on the other hand this experience has been isolating from my family and friends (not located in the city we moved to for residency). These big life moments are the times I get to see them / maintain our relationships. I tried to calmly point out that I wasn't leaving for a random trip / vacation and that these are big moments I don't want to miss out on / that I would meal prep for him etc. and still he is so upset. Most residents here don't have partners to support them, but they still manage through these hard periods. Have you experienced this? How have you navigated this together?

hello medspouses! i was hoping to get some input on the different types of badge reels that your spouse/partner uses. my partner is a psych resident currently and i wanted to surprise him with a custom badge reel for his birthday. he browses the residency and psychiatry subreddit frequently, so i was hoping to get some help here.

i don't have a chance to inspect his current badge reel in person because we are semi-long distance right now, and i dont know if i will be able to get my gift in time the next time i see him.

my current concerns are small technical things, such as size, material, etc. i was thinking of something around 1.5in size with a belt clip. but i think there are also retractable options, and some with a carabiner clip, and swivel ones. i know that his current one doesn't have a carabiner clip, so i'm thinking of sticking with just a circular one. i also think there might be safety concerns depending on the type of badge reel used :O

My finance is a 1st year med student. We have been together for 10 years and our relationship has always been very strong with great communication. He is my best friend and I still get butterflies when I see him.

He is having a really difficult time adjusting to the load of med school and balancing life, our relationship, family, etc. I understand the load is a lot and I want him to focus on having time to study and practice skills, which makes it difficult for me to talk to him about feeling so lonely in our relationship. We have had the discussion a few times over the past month and a half, but nothing has changed. When he isn’t studying he just wants to play video games and watch YouTube. This is understandable as it’s a way to just numb his brain, but I feel like I am constantly left to the side and just his roommate. It’s tricky because previously quality time has been his love language, but now we don’t even have that.

I am wondering what I can do to support him (when I ask he says he “doesn’t know”, which is so avoidant and unusual for him) but also if people feel like they made it out of this stage?

Again, I understand that he is struggling and I hate feeling like I am adding to his stress, but I am so heartbroken and miss our relationship before med school.

Yesterday my wife (PEM Doc), was driving home from picking up our daughter with her dad. They passed by a neighbor's house and saw the old man fallen in the yard, struggling to get up.

She dropped them home and went to go check on him. I followed suit after settling my daughter down.

When I arrived, she'd done a quick check up on him to make sure he wasn't severely hurt had a broken hip, and then I helped him up and walked him to his front porch. We met his wife there.

My wife went on to ask him a few other questions about medical history and advised them that if anything developed on his hip over the next hour to 24 hours, that they should call the ambulance. Both are in their 90s.

As always, it was awe inspiring to watch her take command of the situation and to see the trust and respect with which they listened to what she had to say. I know we go through hard times as med spouses and doctors will often talk about how society doesn't treat them with proper respect anymore (and I hear those stories from her too), but it was great to see that interaction and just her skill at resolving the situation too.

On top of that, as someone who has been the guy to go to check on a neighbor or random stranger who might need help, it was great seeing her have those same values. A lot of folks are bystanders and she took action.

I went to check on them twice today. No response either time. Called our Police Department and it seems they took her advice and went to the ER. Hopefully they're okay. I'll be checking in daily.

I come on here often and see so many people being treated so poorly. Let me remind you once again: no job title gives anyone an excuse to be a terrible partner.

My girlfriend of two years was in clinic today. Her 8:40 patient canceled, and her next one wasn’t until 10. She could have easily stayed at work and not mentioned it, but instead, she drove 10 minutes to Chick-fil-A, picked up breakfast for me, and drove another 10 minutes home. She only got to stay for about 20 minutes before heading back, but knowing she took that time to do something thoughtful was the highlight of my week. 💜

Just remember: if they wanted to, they would. You are so deserving!

Hello fellow medspouses,

My med student partner and I are moving to another state next year for her clinical rotations, and I wanted to ask the community - do you have any recommendations for a moving company, and an auto transport company?

I've been looking at PODS and Reliable Carriers auto transport, but I've also heard some things about PODS and I'm a bit worried about Reliable Carriers being rather expensive (considering they brag a lot on their site about transporting expensive luxury cars...)

Just making sure I'm getting this move planned out properly in advance, I'd ideally like to avoid driving for 12 hours straight in each of our cars, or trying to juggle a Uhaul truck.

If he matches in March and starts residency in June, that gives me a limited time to find a job in the new city. It took me over 6 months to find my current position, so I worry about finding a new one in such a short time. How did you navigate this period? Were you unemployed once arriving in the new city? Did you move at the same time as your partner or once you found a job?

For all those going through fellowship rankings, best of luck finalizing those rank lists that are locked down after today!

May you and your SO’s get your top choices on match day!