My husband is a nurse practitioner with almost a decade of experience in joint injections, medical weight loss, and hormone therapy. He has applied to over 150 jobs in the last two years, had his résumé reviewed several times and complimented on it, and has had zero job offers. He has had three companies taken through several interviews, but two of those companies ended up completely removing the position (due to lack of investors), and the other company ghosted him after several interviews. It's mine blowing that he has applied to over 100 jobs and almost 2 years later, we still cannot seem to leave South Florida. Is it just extremely competitive right now in Raleigh North Carolina? Is there a surplus of nurse practitioners?

Hi everyone! Medpartner here seeking advice. My partner and I (both late 20s) have been together going on 3 years and have lived together a year. He is a surgical resident and just matched to a new hospital over 11 hours away. While I am super excited for and proud of him, I am also torn. He’s asked me to move with him, but that would require completely uprooting my life, leaving all my friends and family, changing jobs etc. I’ve asked in return that we are engaged and although he agreed, he said he doesn’t want to rush that process and that he needs more time. He understandably has a lot on his plate but I feel more anxious with the uncertainty now than ever. He’s moving in June and it’s hard to plan my next steps in life without more clarity. I love him dearly and want to spend my life with him, but it’s hard to not feel devastated by his hesitancy to ask me to be his wife. I’ve supported him gladly through a lot of ups and downs with his schedule changes and hectic hours. I’ve cooked nearly every meal this man has eaten since we’ve been together (which i love to do/also pour one out for our medspouses literally doing absolute most for humanity) and upon reflection really just wish to have more commitment from his side. How to balance giving him the space and time he needs while honoring the security I need? I know there are a few other posts about moving without being engaged/married but just posting this for some validation/reassurance/advice. Thank you <3

TL/DR: partner is moving for new residency position many states away and has asked me to join, but doesn’t seem as stoked about engagement as I do. have i just been playing house lolol ?

My husband is a 1st year resident. He is doing his intern year in IM and then finishing off with anesthesiology.

This year has kind of blown…we’ve missed thanksgiving, Christmas, family annual trip to go skiing, family parties, etc.

At no fault of his own. He even requested the week off to go to skiing but the program didn’t give it to him. He worked BOTH thanksgiving and Christmas Eve AND Day, even tho he should’ve gotten one or the other.

At home, it’s great. That’s not an issue. He prioritizes me and the kids.

It just SUCKS we miss these events and I feel like my dad and siblings just don’t get it. Maybe it’s all in my head. They don’t give me shit about it directly just more so confused on why we can’t make it to the party over the weekend. Or why he can’t just get the week off to go skiing.

It’s also hard to make weekend trips worth it. IF he has the weekend off then we leave Friday evening for a 4hr+ drive, then leave Sunday morning. If we didn’t have kids or dogs, it’d be easier but shit…haha.

Anyone else feel this way?

My family does make an effort to visit me and the kids. Even my cousins whom I’m close to. It’s just all fragmented and I miss being able to be altogether. I just don’t want my family to feel like we aren’t putting in the same effort.

Not sure if anyone has been through this and can give advice, or simply has been there and can help me feel less alone.

Husband and I have been together for 16 years this summer (married for 6). We had our first child just after Christmas last year. He’s in his final year of training before he can apply for consultant jobs from October. (We’re UK-based so unsure the equivalent in US terms!).

This past year has had him taking 2 big exams to enable him to complete his training. Whenever he’s had exams we’ve had a lot of bickering and arguments because he goes literally AWOL and will appear when I tell him dinner’s ready, then immediately go back to studying without us having any quality time together at all. He doesn’t take breaks and if I ever disturb him, he gets so frustrated (sometimes saying things like ‘feel like I’ve lost the last hour of studying now’). He isn’t like this at other times but around exams everything just feels lonely and slightly toxic. He passed the first exam in June and his second one is next week.

For the past year I’ve felt like a single mum in terms of how much he’s been home. We can go 5 days without him even seeing the baby. And when I finally see him, I can’t mention anything about being tired because I get snapped at that it’s no fun for him either and how tired do I think he is?!

I find myself taking me and the baby out the house and planning stuff away from him to give him the space he needs to study, and to give me a break from the stress of just being in the next room to him in the house, but I don’t feel anything I do is appreciated at all.

I was diagnosed with post natal depression just before baby turned a year old - had been struggling for months but couldn’t say anything to OH without him snapping back. Really worried about him but also am on medication myself and he makes a point of not discussing that with me - it’s as if he has no capacity for me or time for me at all.

We have no family locally - we moved to a new area for his junior doctor training. I’m now starting back at work and really struggling but just feel so alone in the relationship. Because there’s an exam for him to focus on, I’m very much not a priority and the relationship is really starting to struggle.

I know it's a long shot, but I don't have much of a support network here and it gets a little lonely sometimes. We have two kids and my partner is starting his first year as a reg this year.

Thanks :)

My PGY-5 partner has been dealing with the hardships of residency throughout our 3 year relationship. The classic dangling carrot “it will be better after xyz ends” has been carrying me through the rough patches. I know however challenging it is for me, it’s much worse for him so I try to always examine my feelings before ever bringing them to his attention. I don’t want to be an extra obligation or a checkmark on the endless to do list he has to catch up on when he’s off.

His schedule has improved since this year and weekends are more available. However, I don’t see a correlation between effort and having more time. I understand that things dwindle as years go by but simple things seem to fall by the wayside. No plans or initiative is taken. Even a simple “hey let’s go to this coffee shop this morning” on a day off would go a long way. We took a vacation earlier in the year and he wouldn’t even help me look at Airbnb’s when I was having a hard time choosing.

I’ve talked to him about needing help to plan things since I can’t always gauge his energy levels or his capacity to socialize. He responded with let’s plan some stuff which hasn’t happened. When I ask about vacation dates, he responds by saying I haven’t thought that far ahead. It’s an endless cycle of saying let’s plan and then him not wanting to think that far ahead.

I accept that I have to take the leftover of his time and energy but it’s hard when he also pours so much into one of his hobbies that requires a lot of focus and brain power. He will lose himself for hours in this. At the end of the day, I know all of this may be unique to him and not a typical med spouse/resident experience. Maybe I just need to vent but I’m completely lost on how to navigate this.

I know he loves me but sometimes I just feel left with platitudes and no change. I can’t keep banging my head against the wall and repeating these conversations that lead to no where. Am I being unreasonable? Is it just survival mode and needing to escape?

Year 2, studying for his first board exam. He took one day off for my birthday a week ago. (He does have ADHD). One day off of studying turned into 2, but as we'd gone out Friday night it seemed appropriate. It's now been 6 days, he can't just sit and start. He's got anxiety over doing it and even if he goes into the office he ends up coming out complaining of dry eye or anxiety 30 mins - an hour later.

I'm trying to be a supportive spouse in this situation. But it does seem like the more i say 'please go study' the more he wont. Has anyone else had experience with this? He definitely goes through periods of complete burnout but board exam is less than a month away and this is the least I've ever seen him do. Anyone have any advice? I've also tried being gone all day, hoping it'd give him one less distraction, maybe it'd help, to no avail.

https://themedcommons.com/2024-physician-spouse-partner-experience-survey-key-insights-and-significance/

I'm sure there is response bias in the data sets but figured I'd share

What are your strategies for dealing with the scenario where you try to be generous to your family members but they nickel and dime you back?

Ironically my partner isn't even out of residency yet and despite us being generous to our family members and never asking for repayment when we incur expenses on our behalf, the slightest expense out of their pocket is met with a request for repayment. We're talking a few bucks here and there, versus several figures worth of leeway we've provided on our end.

In our minds its wrong to ask your close family for money when it's relatively insignificant, and we wanted to be generous with our families, but now we're considering whether to stop being generous altogether, or if we need to become the Evil Tax Man and defend our money the way they defend their pockets. Mind you, we have the lowest income right now out of any of these counterparts, and they know how much residents get paid.

So how do you handle it?

Hi, is there anyone here whose spouse went through the MD-PhD route willing to share how that journey went?

For some context: I'm in a 2 yr relationship and live with my partner, who is a 5th year student hoping to graduate in 2027 and pursue IM residency on a research track. He's also leaning towards being a physician scientist and pursuing academia.

We're also interested in having kids somewhere along the way, but it's hard to plan given how long and uncertain his journey is! Are there any special/different considerations or advice you would give for navigating this? Thank you :)

Hello! My partner is very set on psych and we will be getting close to residency soon, I wanted to know how their experience was during that time. Were they super busy? We just got engaged and the only time that would be best for us economically to have a wedding is during residency? Trying to weight our options on whether or not we should just elope. I don’t want a wedding to be another stressor for him through residency!

Hey all, I would love to hear some wisdom on how folks who have faced the relationship dynamics my (37F) partner and I (32M) have been navigating over the last few months.

For some context, she is an M4 who has dual applied to Anesthesia as well as Surgery, and I have a full time WFH job.

From the onset of the selection process she has indicated surgery as her primary specialty choice.

However, she decided that maybe Anesthesia would offer her more work life balance which would be beneficial to us starting a family during Residency. She was really struggling last year with being able to keep her mental and physical health in check, which are things that are very important for her. So she decided to dual apply.

This summer she attended a surgical rotation solo which she loved. We then went to a surgical rotation across the country together which was really exhausting for her.

She also did an Anesthesia rotation at our home hospital in which she noted that it felt like the position would be very sustainable. She feels like it’s hard to be in the op room and not being “in” the surgery, but found it engaging in a unique way. During this rotation, she seemed so happy just to have some time outside the hospital on her hands.

Throughout the duration of this time she has been oscillating on what to do. I have tried to stay neutral and explain that I want her to ultimately do what she feels is best for her, as the specialties are very different commitments from my perspective. She has interviewed at 10 programs for each specialty.

Last week we started on the topic of starting separate rank lists to compare. I was feeling kind of sad thinking about moving, being alone in a new place, and really not understanding where ultimately that would be. I expressed that I felt surgery was going to be hard. This is certainly something that I signed up for and knew was coming but I just wanted my feelings to be validated.

From her perspective: -I have been asleep at the wheel as it was always going to be surgery. -My experience as a partner of someone in residency won’t change regardless of her choice between the specialties. -Kids in residency is tough, but people figure it out.

From my perspective: -Surgery and Anesthesia are very different animals, with significantly different time commitments both in terms of volume and duration. -She has not made up her mind yet as she’s is still doing Anesthesia interviews. -Her top choice for surgery has made a point to accommodate pregnant residents. Slipping down the list will significantly change the dynamic she experiences should we have a pregnancy. -She is caught up in the perpetual cycle of excellence in medicine attached to surgical specialties and can’t admit it. Just because you are capable of doing something, doesn’t mean it’s what’s best for you.

Can someone tell me if my perspectives are off base here? Has anyone else experienced this? What conversations did you have?

I am really struggling with how to navigate it all. It’s coming so fast. There’s so many balls in the air.

Hey all! My husband is nearing the end of residency and has interviewed a few places with offers in the pipeline. (These offers are at private practices if that makes a difference too). I’m curious what sort of things your spouse negotiated with their contracts coming out of residency? Things to obviously look over are:

— Base Salary — RVU payout — Insurance — Time off — Access to shares

But what else? I am not in the healthcare industry so not super sure what to be looking for. I do have experience with contracts and legal jargon but I want to make sure to catch everything when reviewing.

Bonus question: what’s something you negotiated into your spouses contract that was maybe unordinary?

I don’t want this to devolve into a political discussion.

Just wondering if anyone else’s medspouse is in academic medicine and is being affected by this? Has the topic come up in your household? What are they doing to pivot or are they not worried long term?

My husband is halfway through his intern year of residency. His program requires 3 2-week blocks of general medicine/ICU night shift work. His shifts are usually either 4pm-7/8am or 9pm-9/10am.

For these 2 weeks he is NEVER fully rested, totally thrown off his routine, and generally depressed. Which is understandable.

My struggle as a spouse is that I subconsciously start flipping my own schedule… Something about knowing he’s running codes at 3am makes me unable to sleep until 3/4am. Instead of getting a full night’s sleep and working a normal day, I nap with him when he’s home and then log on late at night (I work remotely)

The problem is this is also making me exhausted and cranky and miserable, and he’s mad that I am not keeping my own strict schedule of being awake during normal hours/sleeping at night. I hate intern year. I hate nights. I will never understand the educational reasoning behind multiple 2-week stints. A few night shifts every quarter, fine. But asking residents to regularly switch from 2 weeks of 6am-6pm to 2 weeks of 4pm-7am then back to 2 weeks of 6am-6pm is inhumane. And doctors know how important sleep is to health!!!!!!

My husband and I are facing a bit of a dilemma, and I’m looking for advice/wisdom from people who have potentially been in this situation before. My husband got into a medical school out of state and a medical school in state. Out of state is actually quite a bit cheaper and the city we would live in is cheaper as well, which means walking away with substantially less debt. That being said, we do want to start our family soon and the in state school is only 30 minutes away from both of our families. I guess I’m just wondering, if you had to choose sacrificing for 4 years to be away from family but cheaper tuition + cost of living, would you? Or is it worth it in the long run to be closer to extended family when having kids? Help!

My guy is a M4. We’ve been together for bout close to a year and the communication just isn’t working for me anymore. I adore him, but I think I’ve reached my breaking point. It’s not uncommon for him to go 5 or 6 days without chatting with me or just saying hey. I don’t really mind the gaps if he lets me know. Well it’s been a full week counting of not speaking. Like the last time I saw him, everything was great. He said he loved me and that his communication might be bad coming up because of his schedule. We’ve been inseparable for the past four months. I reached out, no reply.

I don’t think this is normal and I am just at a loss. Has anyone had my communication issues with their partner and were able to live past them?

Hi!!! I’m really not sure on what I feel rn.

Please give me advice. Will this ever end? Do we have to break up? What do I have to do?

Few details about us, My boyfriend and I have been dating for > 5 years already and he is currently working in a public hospital, he is a 1st yr resident of General surgery. I’m also a doctor but haven’t entered residency yet (considering to enter next year). We don’t live together so we barely see each other.

So back to my dilemma, i fully understand that he’s mostly busy but there are times wherein i just wish for him to call me even though for a short while. I know the demands of surgery are high and he’s tired but can’t he atleast ask how i am… i just really feel sometimes that I’m not part of his life anymore. I know, i know he’s busy and all it’s just that it gets tiring sometimes to understand him… sometimes he texts me that he misses me then end of convo. I get to hear from him maybe the next day night time already. i’m fully supportive of him and I don’t text as much. I just idk feel irrelevant in his life sometimes… Is this really normal?

Also to add, i have things to do also in my life, i’m not here just sitting and chatting sooo ughr. I hate residency. :( it just gets lonely sometimes.

Is anyone else’s stressing about match coming up? So much is about to change. Nervous about what the letter will say when we open it up. Just wanted to see if anyone else is stressed about it.

We are expecting our first baby. I have noticed in my med SO (attending/consultant anaesthetics) that anytime I share something related to the healthcare experience of a pregnant friend or whoever, my partner is overwhelmingly protective of the medical profession and it sometimes comes off like he lacks empathy and invalidates the experiences of women. E.g., I was telling him about our friend who recently had quite a traumatic birth and she shared it with me. Premature baby, emergency caesar etc. Baby quite unwell in NICU for weeks. To me there's just... no argument - that would be traumatic and awful and emotional. Our friend in this scenario was very stoic when she shared her story and is in healthcare herself, not that it would matter, but if anything she was probably downplaying it. And certainly made no negative comments about the care she received. Anyways I'm not going to defend her story, as far as I'm concerned anyone with an ounce of empathy could envision how challenging that experience would be. Yet my SO's reaction was kind of insinuating she was being dramatic and made a few comments about patients remembering things differently and to him it doesn't sound like it was that serious etc etc. It just infuriated me, we got in a big fight and now I just cannot even bring myself to be near him. I don't know why he can't just say "Yeah that sounds awful", and shut up. Why is there a need to have a medical opinion of how it actually doesn't sound 'that bad'?

He's never been the most emotional person but during this pregnancy I am finding myself feeling this sense of unease that I can't fully rely on him because of this lack of empathy. There have been a few other instances like the one above that add to this feeling but I won't bore you with the specifics. I'm worried about how he will support me/baby. Will he always just think whatever happens to us 'isn't that bad' because he's seen worse? I'm worried when it comes to my recovery and my experience that he will invalidate it. I'm worried that if we were to face any kind of issues with the pregnancy/delivery/our baby, he would just make me feel like I'm dramatic and not provide the emotional support I need.

This is mostly just a rant but please do provide any advice if you have any.

i (f18) started med school last june (mbbs system) and its been such a blast. through a few organizations i became friends with a lot of seniors, and one of them introduced me to this guy in 3rd year (m20). the moment we met, we immediately hit it off. hes sooo funny and our conversations just keep flowing (n hes rlly cute guys) his place is literally walking distance away from mine and im literally there all the time, and throughout christmas and this january holidays we have been texting and calling non stop. its very clear that he wants us to be more, and he has even hinted at it a few times. but im actually so scared that pursuing this right now wld actually ruin the connection we have.

the way our med school is structured is that in 4th year you have to take your courses at another campus which is an hour away, so we wouldnt be able to see each other everyday again. hes entering his 4th yr this june and he would also be so busy with his thesis (he already is ngl) so it would become more difficult to meet him because he is doing his research in a lab at a different university. rn hes still third year until june so our classes are at the same campus and i see him everyday in between classes and sometimes we hangout after class.

overall hes just going to be so incredibly busy and due to our 2 year gap, in like another 6 months, i wont be able to see him everyday again. with our busy schedules i doubt either of us would make the effort to meet up and this will fizzle out. even in the case that we would make the effort to see each other, after that comes his clinical years (5th and 6th) and thats just constant no sleep for 2 years. ngl if ive been at the hospital until 2am the last thing i would want is to have to go and meet my gf/bf.

ive only known this guy for 4 months but i genuinely trust him and i really want things to work out, and im so scared that pursuing this now would just make it end quicker just because of our schedules. wdyt reddit? give me some hope rn i like this guy so much and its very clear he likes me a lot as well. are there are success stories about dating in medschool with a 2 year gap?

thanks guys xx

Hi guys!! Would love words of wisdom from those who were long term partners, and didn’t get engaged until after residency.

Been with my significant other for seven years, started dating in MS1, and he is now PGY-3 about to finish his program (he’s a little off cycle).

We’ve always discussed that our end goal is to get married and start a family, and I know that the medical journey involves a lot of delayed gratification. He knows I’ve been anxious about it, and he does all he can to reassure me that he does plan to propose. His reasoning is that he needs to save for a ring, we haven’t really be able to save much due to living in a HCOL area. He has said that after some time as an attending he’ll be able to buy a nice ring and be able to help with wedding planning.

I do understand all of this, but it is VERY VERY hard to not feel like it may never happen and I’m just along for the ride until after residency and then he’ll end things. It also doesn’t make things better when people I barely know tell me that “if he’s been dating you for that long, he has no intention of marrying you.” (usually my PT patients) I know that most people don’t understand the intensity of residency, but it does suck when people say it. I hate having to defend our relationship.

If you read this far thank you for your support.

Hi everyone,

My wife is currently in medical school, and we recently welcomed our first baby—a 9-month-old. Typically, we split the nighttime and weekday caregiving duties 50-50. On weekends, when she doesn't have exams, I take on about 65% of the childcare responsibilities.

However, things have become challenging lately. After a particularly long weekend where I was responsible for approximately 95% of the caregiving, I became frustrated and asked her to take a break from studying to help me more. Her reaction was that she doesn't trust me to handle the responsibilities adequately and that our marriage is struggling under these circumstances. She expressed that she needs someone who can provide more support.

In addition to these challenges at home, I’m working full-time in a demanding job to support our family. Honestly, after more than eight straight hours with the kids, I start to feel completely exhausted.

Would like to hear some of your insights

My spouse (attending, have been together since med school) grew up in a very eco conscious household, perhaps to a fault. They were shamed as a kid for any sort of food waste, recyclable material thrown in the trash, not using an item til it was absolutely in shreds from overuse, etc.

I did not grow up this way. We had more relaxed standards around waste - obviously we tried our best to minimize it, but it wasn’t the end of the world if we couldn’t.

My spouse has brought this anxiety about waste into their adult life. When they were in residency, I dealt with the vast majority of chores and they didn’t see much of what I did bc they were working all the time. Now they’re an attending and have more visibility. They are constantly anxious about the way I deal with our household food waste and recycling/composting.

It’s gotten to the point where they give me “assignments” (ie, I was just going to throw an item out, they want me to drive across town to donate it at one specific place) and get anxious/upset if they find out I did not follow through. My view is that since I’m the one who’s spending time and energy on this stuff, I should not have to accept requests/assignments on exactly how I deal with it. If my spouse cares that much they can do it themselves on their own time. My spouse disagrees and says their work schedule precludes them doing it all themselves (which is objectively true).

I’m at my wits end. Thoughts?

So today is my girlfriends birthday and unfortunately we can’t do much due to the fact she has an exam on Monday and I was curious what you guys do to celebrate your partners birthdays while they have to study for boards or any type of exam

I guess I just need support/somewhere to vent.

I live with my boyfriend of 1.5 years and we're two months out from match and things are TENSE over here. He had 3 interviews and will be ranking those 3 places. Of those three, all of the interviews went really well and he had letters of recommendations directly from DR.'s at each hospital + they continuously put a good word in for him + text/email him. From the outside looking in - you're like, 'of course one will work out' and 'it just takes one' - but then you come on here and learn how many people are basically promised spots and don't match.

If he doesn't match, he'll SOAP, if he doesn't SOAP - then I'm petrified to even have that conversation because we really try to keep things positive to prevent either of us from spiraling.

How are you guys managing the stress of the unknown? And how are you navigating heavy 'what if' conversations without spiraling your partner into the worst-case-scenario?

I know any fear I have, he already has it 10x greater, so I try to keep things happy/positive, but then I just internally spiral alone. It's been really hard to navigate my personal feelings, while trying to prioritize his.

My husband is done with interviews and now we're struggling with making his rank list. We have a 9 month old and plan to continue growing our family during residency, which will be 5 years long. Right now, we're 4 hours away from any family and have been making it work okay, but a lot of this has also included quite a few months of less intense rotations for him while I'm working full time with pretty strict limitations on time-off (and still plan to work full-time in residency). Right now he's stuck between some programs that are his "favorites" but are at least 3 hours away from any family, and programs that are still decent but within an hour from all my family. I guess I'm wondering how important proximity to family has been to you all during residency when you have little ones (and are both working full time), or how you weighed location vs program as a family?