May this year be better than the last :)

Covid lockdown has been a wild ride. I’m 27M (assigned male at birth), married to a wonderful (cis) woman who I’ve been with since high school. I have always self-identified and presented as a man my entire life. From the outside, things probably look about as “ideal” and “normal” as they can be, as far as societal norms go. We both have solid careers going, we have a house, we have a baby on the way, we’re about as fortunate and privileged as you can be at our age and I feel so lucky to be where I am in life with her by my side. I wanted to lay out this background because my story deals with societal norms and expectations, and I think this background context is an important part of where I’m coming from. Now, I want to write out a sort of journey I’ve recently undergone on a much more internal level, so here goes:

Starting a few years ago, I started to develop certain kinks that maybe hinted at some suppressed urges I had, but they were overall relatively tame and I didn’t really think too much about them when I wasn’t actively engaging in these kinks. (Really this was just limited to some light cross-dressing, wearing panties, and experimenting with penetration). I would always do these things in private, not involving my wife, because I felt ashamed and embarrassed. I had to literally force myself to admit to my wife that I ordered myself a toy because I figured she’d likely see the credit card bill or find it eventually. It was so hard to admit it to her but I eventually did, and she was very neutral about it. Very much a “do what you want, I don’t care” kind of vibe.

My wife and I have an incredible sex life, but as I’m sure is true of most relationships, there are some challenges that we’re working through together. She has a good deal of anxiety when it comes to initiating sex, and puts pressure on herself to perform, no matter how much I tell her I just want her to feel comfortable and that I crave intimacy, not sexual gratification. When we do break through that initial barrier, our sex is passionate and incredible. I would definitely call it somewhat “vanilla” in the grand scheme of things, but it feels really good, and we connect with each other emotionally in a way that I know I absolutely crave. Like, in the heat of the moment, I almost start to disassociate from myself, and instead start feeling like she and I are merging into one. It’s really hard to describe, but I absolutely love it, and I’m mentioning it here because I want to refer back to it a little later on.

Now, let me change gears to my more private, personal sexuality. My wife works long night shifts, which means that for a couple days of the week, she’s at work when I’m at home alone for a good 6-8 hours before I go to sleep. On some occasions, I take advantage of this alone time to really engage in what I’d call an “altered sexuality”. I feel differently about myself when I put on my wife’s lingerie than when I do when she is around. I still identify as the same person, with the same personality, but there’s a freedom to do what I want with no judgement that is thrilling. This thrill is very tightly coupled with arousal, which is why I’m describing this as an “altered sexuality” specifically. When I “finish up”, without getting too graphic, I put the lingerie away, I put on my normal clothes, I go back to my usual activities and way of thinking and feeling. I liked that it could be discrete, that I could hide all of the evidence before my wife got home, and nobody had to know about this embarrassing part of my sexuality.

So this pattern continued over the course of several years. With covid, the frequency increased, since I’m all locked down and working from home, but my wife is an essential worker who is still going out for her night shift job several times a week. Over the last week or so, the intensity of this sexuality felt like it increased, or maybe I was paying more attention to it, or letting it be more free or something. One evening about a week ago, while my wife was at work, I had a sudden, crazy idea - “what if I just shaved my legs?”. After all, it’s covid, nobody is going to see my uncovered legs for weeks, it sounds really exciting, why shouldn’t I? I knew I obviously couldn’t hide such a thing from my wife, so I texted her and said something along the lines of “for some reason, I want to try shaving my legs, I don’t know why but I think I’m gonna do it”.

Her response was basically what I expected - similar to when I told her about ordering myself that toy, she basically said “ok, do whatever you want, doesn’t bother me”. So, I did it. As soon as I started, I felt the same kind of thrill that I felt the very first time I ever put on panties. It was this incredible sexual excitement and arousal. This felt like the next level of this ‘altered sexuality’ pattern that I’ve been engaging in. The only difference was that this time, I couldn’t hide all of the evidence when I was done. I couldn’t just put everything away and go back to my “normal self”, because my legs were still shaved! I had to live with them, and the crazy thing was, I liked that idea.

I started to look at and appreciate my legs in a non-sexual context. I liked how they looked and felt, not because it made me feel naughty and sexual, but because it made me feel like me, and I could actually look at part of my body and be proud of how it looked. This definitely felt like a revelation of sorts, but it was also scary too. I didn’t know what this was. Could I still call myself and think of myself as a man if I preferred my legs to be smooth and silky? What would my friends and family think of me if they found out I did this and liked it? I decided I had to do some research on reddit, since that’s what I’m often inclined to do when I want to know more about something new.

Now, I’m still not really sure if going to reddit right away was a good idea. I stumbled across subreddits like this one and was seeing an entire world of people, terms, and ideas that I didn’t understand. I’ve always identified as an “ally”, I’ve always tried very hard to stay educated and accepting of all types of people, but I admit I wasn’t aware that there was so much variety and terminology. I really wanted to find a ‘diagnosis’ for what I was going through. I came across some post or description of the term “genderfluid” and thought that maybe that’s what I was dealing with. After all, the word itself sounded like it could fit since I was sort of sliding into femininity with shaving my legs. But, after deciding that maybe I was genderfluid, I read another post that described genderfluid people as non-cis, and that if you aren’t cis, then you’re trans, by definition.

To be fully honest, this kinda terrified me. I don’t want to be trans, it doesn’t feel right to think of myself in that way. I think trans people are incredible, I think they’re some of the bravest, most courageous people on this planet, but I can’t think of myself in that group, or with that label. I know about other trans people who have described the trans experience, and I just don’t connect with what they’ve described at all. I don’t suffer from dysphoria, I’ve never wanted different pronouns or a different name than the masculine ones I use today, I don’t want to be a wife instead of a husband -- I am excited to be a father and a dad. But, I’m such a sucker for definitions and diagnosis that I thought “well shit, if liking my shaved legs makes me genderfluid, and being genderfluid makes me trans, then I guess that’s what I am even if it feels wrong to think of myself in that way”.

Another day or two went by and I was still grappling with this stuff in my mind. My wife, meanwhile, knew about the shaven legs, seemed totally fine with it, if not super excited by it. I started to work on a letter, in the mornings when she was still sleeping, because I knew that no matter what I was going through, I wanted to find a way to tell her. I wanted her help in figuring out what this was. So I worked on this letter over two different mornings, basically going over everything in this post so far, including my self-diagnosis of being genderfluid and the fact that this might mean I’m trans, even if I didn’t want to be.

My wife went to work another night shift. I distracted myself from the internal gender identity crisis I was going through by letting myself fall into that ‘altered sexuality’ mindset again. Instead of worrying about labels and diagnosis, I was once again focused on loving my body and the thrill of my new legs. I reshaved them to get rid of the stubble, and felt a sudden urge to paint my toenails. I decided to just do it, throwing caution to the wind. When I was finished, I of course loved how my feet looked, they looked pretty and sexy to me, and since I’m so unaccustomed to thinking of myself as being ‘attractive’ at all, this felt like even more evidence that yep, I guess I really am genderfluid. So, while my wife was at work, I sent her the letter, telling her that if she had some downtime, I wanted her to read it and let me know what she thought.

I think the letter kind of scared her. My usage of the label ‘trans’ in the letter definitely made her uncomfortable, and I think she interpreted the letter as evidence that I might want to become a woman at some point in the future. She said that she was confused and couldn’t really tell what I wanted. She told me she was really worried that I would someday want to change myself with hormones, or change my body with implants, or change my voice, and that idea made her afraid, I think because doing those things would change who I am to her and of course that’s a scary idea. She wants to be in love with me for the rest of my life, she knows that she is in love with who I am right now, but what if she fell out of love if I completely changed as a person? I totally get it, and I know I’d grapple with the same type of struggle if the roles were reversed and she decided she wanted to transition to being a man.

Anyways, her overall reaction to the letter definitely gave me a confusing mixture of feelings. On one hand, she seemed totally fine with me having a “feminine side”. She was excited to help me paint my nails, or try different hairstyles, or eventually do some ‘girly things’ together after covid like a spa day. That part of her reaction is awesome, and validating, and great.

But on the other hand, she was definitely hung up about my self-diagnosis of genderfluid. I don’t know if she fully believes me when I say that I don’t want to become a woman, possibly because I was “okay” with using the term “trans” in my letter even if I didn’t feel that I can identify with it.

I think the part that makes me feel a little bit bad about her reaction to my “coming out” letter is that now I have this lingering feeling, like, ok she might accept me for who I am today, but what if she ends up being right? What if 10 years from now I decide that I do need to transition or something? And what if I were to do that and she wasn’t able to completely accept me? I think she would try her absolute hardest but at the end of the day, it would be such a massive change in both of our lives that I wouldn’t blame her for not being able to do it. I try to tell myself that this is a silly line of thought though, that I shouldn’t worry about a version of myself that doesn’t currently exist. But it’s hard to completely ignore that tiny bit of worry.

I think this is maybe a problem with trying to grab labels, terms, and definitions as diagnoses, especially so early into the process of questioning who or what you are. I’m not as educated as I can be on these issues, and neither is my wife. I feel like I had enough knowledge and awareness of gender issues to support that community as a cis straight man, but now that I’m questioning my cis-ness (and to be honest, also my straightness), it feels pretty overwhelming to try to find a label that matches my mindset, especially when that mindset is evolving and changing day by day.

So anyways, back to the story: The next day, while my wife was asleep, I did a bit more reading, and came across a term I hadn’t seen before. This term was “gender non-conforming”, and it immediately resonated with me, I think because it seemed to describe actions instead of identity. Me shaving my legs is 100% a non-conforming action to take as a cis-man, and I know that I liked taking that action. I knew that I wanted to do more things that are non-conforming in the future, with my wife, and it felt right to want those things. I feel like identifying with this label gave me the freedom to want these new things without changing who I am fundamentally. I think this is what I thought gender fluidity was, but now that I have some understanding of both labels, I like ‘gender non-conforming’ a lot more.

It also gives me a feeling of empowerment: gender roles suck, I’ve always thought so (and so does my wife). By refusing to conform with some traditional aspects of masculinity, I’m demonstrating my displeasure with these societal roles, and I like how that feels.

When my wife woke up, we talked a lot more, and I think this conversation made us both feel better. I showed her what I read about “gender non-conforming”, and she agreed that that term made her feel more comfortable too. At the very least, it gives me something to think about myself that doesn’t scare me or my wife at all, which creates the freedom I need to explore this more.

We had sex that night, and it was incredible to get to feel open about myself. I took on a more submissive role than I ever have before, I unashamedly rubbed my smooth legs against hers, and kept thinking about how sexy my feet looked. It was incredible, and I also realized that the entire time, I wasn’t worried about whether I was having sex as a ‘man’ or as a ‘woman’. I was having sex as myself, fully and without any filter. If my body wanted to assume a submissive, feminine pose, I let it. If my body wanted to moan or make noises, I let it. If I wanted to grab her and switch to a more masculine position, I did so. It was a freedom I had only ever felt in my private, ‘altered sexuality’ sessions, but this time it was with the person I love and I wasn’t ashamed at all.

Remember way earlier when I mentioned feeling like my wife and I were almost merging into one entity when our sex was really good? In a way, I almost feel like this is happening on a broader, more permanent level. By freeing myself of all worry about my role and expectation based on my gender, it feels like I’m closer to her now than I ever have been, both sexually and non-sexually.

For example, since shaving my legs, I’ve started to dislike a lot of my super masculine boxer-style underwear, and I asked my wife to help me shop for some new ones. I found a website that sells underwear purely by style and not by men/women categories, and it was such a great feeling to shop with my wife in a completely genderless mindset. We ended up each getting something with the same style (just different sizes), and it was somehow such a good feeling that she and I weren’t categorizing ourselves differently. I also picked out a thong for myself and just the fact that she was sitting there with me, helping me pick it out was so reassuring and affirming.

I’ve learned so much about myself over the last week, and I know that I still have more self-discovery ahead of me. I wanted to share this because writing it all out helps me reflect on it, but also because I think there’s something to be said for the danger of reaching for labels and diagnosis, especially so early into a ‘questioning’ phase. When I finally let go of finding the perfect label or perfect term, and just focused on doing what I want to do, regardless of what that might define me as, I started finally feeling happy and able to share my full self with my wife.

Some day, I think it’d be awesome if I could build up the courage to show off this feminine side of me more publicly. But for now, especially when this is so new and different, I’m perfectly content to just be myself around my wife. I love her so much and I’m so glad I opened up to her. If you made it all the way through this, wow, thank you so much for taking the time to read about my experience.

And while letting go of labels and terms was helpful for me to keep exploring myself, if I said anything that is incorrect, or problematic in any way, especially about the terms and labels I described, please let me know! (Especially if I accidentally said anything that could be transphobic). I’m always looking to broaden my understanding of myself and other people. If anyone reads this story and feels like there actually is a term that fits very close to what I’ve described, I definitely would love to hear it. If anything, knowing which topics and labels I should read more about will only improve my understanding, as long as I’m not so eager to immediately apply them to myself. In general, I still feel like I’m actively “questioning” who I am, so if you feel like you have some insight after reading this, please do share it. Thank you so much!

https://www.standard.co.uk/insider/living/femboyfriday-tiktok-femboys-femme-men-a4533051.html

Hello,

My name is Laurel Watson, and I’m an associate professor of counseling psychology at the University of Missouri-Kansas City. Along with my research team, we are conducting research regarding therapeutic writing to enhance body image and well-being among transgender people. In order to participate, you must a) be transgender (e.g., trans woman, trans man, non-binary, gender queer, etc.), b) be 18 years of age or older, and c) live in the United States.

If you are interested in participating, you will be asked to complete a brief (10 to 15 minute) writing task and several short surveys. Your participation should take 20 to 25 minutes, one time only. Participation is entirely voluntary. If you are interested in participating, please click on the following link:

https://umkc.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_7PeongIedVJJJaJ

​

Or, if you would like further information, please email Laurel Watson at watsonlb@umkc.edu

The first 128 participants will receive a $15 Amazon.com gift card, at the conclusion of data collection.

This study, protocol number 2016887, has been reviewed by University of Missouri-Kansas City’s Institutional Review Board. If you have any concerns about your rights as a participant your concerns please call 816-235-5927

​

Thanks for your consideration!

So, this is all new for me, and right now I'm more on the agender boat, but I'm at a point where I'd like to start trying out some feminine clothing, to see if I feel good in it or not (as in, find out if it depends on my mood, or sexual arousal, to feel good in such clothing or not). Excuse me if it doesn't fit the sub.

As you surely know, if you look up male thongs online you'll find either the masculine kind (aimed at very male, stereotyped gay aesthetics), or products for bachelor parties or strippers and such, which tend to be poor quality.

I wonder if there's any brand or online store that I could check up (as a southern European, close to Barcelona, if that's relevant).

I'm also considering getting into modding or doing my own clothing, but that's more mid term, after finding out if this is going to be more permanent on me or it's just a phase.

Thank you.

Hello, so I’m a newly out but not irl nonbinary individual. And I’m not really in a lot of contact with a lot of LGBT+ individuals to talk to irl. So I started a groupme for just LGBT+ individuals a month ago for all over the country and the world and its developed into a pretty good group if anyone is interested

You're invited to my new group 'Area 41' on GroupMe. Click here to join: https://groupme.com/join_group/41400909/kKPYB7

Hello hello hello! Enbies R Us Discord server that's a home for everyone that identifies as nonbinary! Whether you're demiboy/girl, agender, bigender, dualgender genderqueer or anything else outside of the gender binary, you're welcome in Enbies R Us!

https://discord.gg/qSjjv3H

Also, if so, what was the experience like?

Hello, My name is Laurel Watson, and I am an assistant professor of counseling psychology at the University of Missouri-Kansas City. I am currently conducting a study investigating transgender individuals’ experiences of discrimination. In order to participate, you must a) identify as an individual of transgender experience (for example, gender queer, trans woman, trans man, nonbinary trans individual, gender fluid, and so on), b) be 18 years of age or older, and c) live in the United States, and d) be willing to participate at two different time points: now and 2 to 3 weeks from now, for a total of 10 to 20 minutes altogether.
If you are interested in participating, you will be asked to complete an anonymous online survey twice: 1) now and 2) 2 weeks from now. You will be provided with an email reminder two weeks from now to complete the surveys again. Your email will be disconnected from your survey responses, maintaining anonymity. The surveys will take about 5 to 10 minutes to complete each time, for a total of 10 to 20 minutes altogether. If you are interested in participating, please click on the following link: https://umkc.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_8vOUBeUNW3eJncV Or, if you would like further information, please email Laurel Watson at watsonlb@umkc.edu For your participation, you may choose to enter a raffle to win one of two $25.00 Amazon.com gift cards. This study, protocol number 16-113, has been approved by University of Missouri, Kansas City’s Institutional Review Board. If you have any concerns about your rights as a participant your concerns please call 816-235-5927

Thanks for your consideration, Laurel B. Watson, Ph.D. Assistant Professor University of Missouri, Kansas City Counseling & Educational Psychology watsonlb@umkc.edu

Hey y'all! I'm new to this community. I tend to present masculine, not necessarily by choice, but have been wanting to paint my nails lately and maybe try eyeliner. In addition, I've always felt more femme on the inside and am looking for ways to nurture this identity externally. How would y'all react to a more masc-looking guy with some femme features? I've also been told I have a femme aura, which pleases me deeply.

Hi. I am new to this group. I have been lurking for a while, and now I want to add my story.

I think I was aware that I was different from an early age. In preschool, my best friend was a girl. If I could have, I would have only played with the girls.

When I was a teenager, I thought that I was transgender because I wanted to be a girl SO MUCH. I know now that I am not transgender because I do not feel that I am a girl. I am a femme man. I want to be loved for being a man who expresses his feminine side. I do not love my body, but I do not hate it enough to undergo gender confirmation surgery.

My parents were aware that I was not like the others boys -- and they did everything they could to butch me up.

In a sense, it worked. I followed my parents' path. I went to college and grad school and got married and fathered a child.

Just one problem, I have never been happy living my “normal” life. In the last few years, I have been very lonely. My girlfriends are now married with children. I am not friends with their husbands. I can’t be my true self with them. (I do not want to watch football! Being with “the men” after Thanksgiving makes me sick!)

I married a woman who wants me to be a “real man.”

I want her to take the lead in our relationship and “be the man.” I want be a househusband or an assistant to a powerful woman. I only want to have “lesbian” sex with my wife (i.e., I go down on her for as long as she can stand to have orgasms). I do not want to penetrate her. (In fact, I would love her to penetrate me with a sex toy!)

I feel alienated from my son. He is a “real boy.” He wants to play sports, and he loves competition. I just want to talk to him.

Recently, I changed my story. I separated from my wife and moved into the apartment of a BUTCH lesbian. She has no problem with me cleaning up after her or serving her friends when they come over.

And, the biggest change: I started to have gay sex for the first time since middle school. (I have had gay crushes since I was a teenager, but I mostly did not act on them for fear of being labeled a SISSY FAGGOT.)

I live in an area with a gay bathhouse. I could easily spend 8 hours on my knees servicing men (if my jaw would hold up!) I know that this is not political correct, but when I drop to my knees or spread my legs, I feel so femme! Oh, my God, I am in heaven when a man cums in my mouth! (Anal sex is not such a thrill. I can’t feel a man cum in me because I always make men wear a condom.)

I feel more comfortable in the gay community than the straight world. The gay community is not particularly friendly to femme men. But, it is certainly better than the straight world. I wish that femme men would come to my bathhouse.

When I am in the gay area of my city, I dress somewhat femme (e.g., super tight jeans, panties, silky tops, women’s jackets.) In the summer, I love to show a lot of skin. I shave my legs and arms. I have had my chest and butt hair lasered off. I am going to have more hair lasered off soon. Next summer, I am going to hang out -- in my bikini -- at the gay men’s beach.

I would love to find a group a femme men to hang out with.

I cant quite figure it out