Hi MOS, Haven’t been here in a bit due to be being super busy. And the knowledge that more and more people that I know have been looking at my Reddit But I think today I reached a point that I haven’t been at in a while I sobbed so hard and cried that my jaw and throat was hurting and it just wasn’t fun As of recently I feel I’ve been under so much pressure and trying to do stuff and it doesn’t feel like enough As much as I love the college I go to and what I’m studying it’s just a lot of pressure and it’s hectic and crazy, I find myself getting way more upset and being generally sad And it kind of sucks But what really got me today was an idea that I’ve been stuck on recently, just an overwhelming sense of loneliness which makes me feel like an asshole because I’ve had more friends and people I get along with than I’ve ever had but (not even from a relationship perspective) I just feel alone even though I’m surrounded by caring people and it sucks :( The last time I was feeling like this was not a very fun period and I don’t want to slip back into the mindsets and habits I kept up back then. Hope yall have a good one MOS :)

next week my school is doing jabs for the people who are missing some (including myself) and i’m acc terrified! 😍 it’s a problem that they never specified what day the jabs will be so it’s not like i can prepare or anything.. all i know is that it’s going to be a random day next week. as well as that, im in the uk so i have uniform and there’s no way i could dress to cover myself up (we wear jumpers with blouses underneath so im always covered up but would have to take my jumper off for the jab).

they are on my forearm so i could wear something like a bandage or a sleeve but that’s gonna look mad suspicious. i do suffer from very severe atopic eczema so i think that excuse is my best lie. but when i put it into perspective, my head of year will see me walking around with a bandage on my non dominant arm and he’s not exactly stupid!

and honestly the timing is awful because i was 4 months clean until last week (which is my record ever since i started) and i don’t see them healing within the next few days. especially since my eczema prolongs the healing time a lot and i often find my wounds expanding/turning into eczema - unrelated note but if anyone has experience in how to ease this i would be so grateful. it wouldn’t be much of an issue if i was clean as my school knows i used to self harm about 2 years ago, but they are under the impression that im clean, when as of recently i am in fact not! my parents also don’t know (idk why the school didn’t tell them, i can only assume they thought it’d make me a bigger danger to myself and i had many support networks from the school). but it would really annoy me if this is how they found out because i view this relapse as a one-off (although i may be deluding myself) and im about to go to uni so i’ve nearly survived the lie😭 i have a good relationship with my parents but this is something they would never understand (im sure most people resonate with that) and i have established a good image of myself with my parents that i don’t want to erase

but yeah any advice on what to do would be greatly appreciated! thank you!

Nothing super urgent, I'm just tired of guessing and I need someone who knows what it's like to help me, so I guess I'm asking for advice.

I think I might have issues with substance abuse, and it's destroying everything in my life silently from within. I'm gonna try to keep this post short since I know no one wants to hear me ramble, but I'll also try to include relevant details.

I'm not going to say my age, but I live at home with my mom, dad, brother, and sometimes my sister when she is home from school. I also attend college, but I commute. My mom has stage IV breast cancer, and she's been fighting it on and off since I believe around when I was in 7th grade. When we first found it, it was only stage one, and they told us that there was a pretty low chance that the cancer would return or worsen in the next 5 years, but unfortunately, statistics are not always on our side. The cancer had spread beyond the initial site, it was now in ny mom's spine and brain.

This only started happening in the past few years. She has been in and out of the hospital with low red blood cell counts, pneumonia, a recurring, possibly treatment related cough, and of course for chemo/oncology appointments.

My family has been on my mind a lot recently, and I'm just starting to think about thinks from a crazy new perspective I never saw before cause I've been doing shrooms, and I had a particularly "Bad?" trip just a few days ago, but that was more about who it was with than anything tbh. It was awful, but also I got to express my years of repressed, built up anger into a text file on my phone because my mind didn't immediately and automatically stop me from remembering things. I feel as though I am at a crossroads. I have a few decisions I could make. Problem is, I'm so confused and disoriented and I don't know what the right thing to do is and I need help. Maybe this is all just part of the stages of change, but I'm having so much trouble fully and actually realizing sometimes that I am unwell and I Need Help. Denial is strong. I know I could try and get better, which is what I say I want to do, but my actions are not matching my words. I know I have Cannabis Use Disorder, and I'm pretty sure I have Cannabinoid Hyperemesis syndrome too, but I need to verify with a doctor first. Problem is, my actions don't match my words. I'm saying I'm gonna quit, or for my own wellbeing, I have to quit, and I'm trying to cut back to only smoking to stop the vomiting/pain/nausea, but still I keep going over to my using friends houses and ripping the bong over and over. I swear I go through the carts I buy in 4 days. Just last week I smoked all day so much for so long that two 60mg brownies did nearly nothing. After that I cut back to only hitting the cart, and only enough to stop the physical pain that would accompany cessation, but I keep going back to heavier use.

Also, I gotta get clean before this March. I'm going on a vacation with my family and we're taking a plane, so I can't bring drugs, (I mean I guess I could bring benadryl but after the delusions I got after I overdosed last time I dont think I want to do that, at least not while I'm still around my parents), but even though I know I have to be fully sober, I'm looking at my actions and I see that I'm still trying to get drugs and it doesn't seem like it's going to stop. Just the other day, I tried reaching out to get LSD, but (honestly, lucky for me), no one had any. Until just yesterday, my plan was to place an order and grow shrooms long term so I could afford getting fucked up and also shift away from cannabis. I know this is absolutely still in me, which is why I need help. Last time I tried to get help, actually, every time, it goes Terribly. My symptoms are literally corroding my life away from the inside, and since I'm sooo smart all the time and blatantly lie to providers to avoid uncomfortable conversations, no one Ever takes me seriously, so as a result I stop talking to or trusting them, because they have all made me feel like I am stupid for suggesting I might have something actually wrong with me, and instead opt to tell me that I should try to manage my social anxiety better or something. I know they can't help if I don't tell the truth, I'm just realizing this and I still don't know how to tell the truth but I want to give help another try maybe, but this time I'm ready.

I went to rehab last summer, just for weed (as far as anyone else knew, and for the most part, it was just about weed, kind of*). I ended up in rehab after a chemical dependency assessment I did in the hospital after having what was probably a trauma related episode. I needed so much help mentally, but somehow of all the things, 3 or 4 months of smoking weed ever seemed like the biggest problem to everyone. I was trying to tell them I was having mental health issues. I wanted to go to a mental health residential place that was co-ed, since I'm trans, and at the time didn't feel comfortable with being alone with either gender like in a boys only substance abuse treatment program like I got placed into. I couldn't do any research really either, since before this I was in the hospital, (psych wing), and we didn't have internet access. I ended up feeling so suicidal and far away from everyone else. I could relate to no one and no one could understand me. The first night, I actually almost tried to kill myself. I was sitting on the bathroom floor, (private bathrooms were in each room, and I was the only one in the 4 person room on my first night), and the next day I told the staff "Hey. I almost killed myself. Don't feel safe here, I think it would be best if I went to the hospital. I'm not sure how safe I am going to be here." Wanna know what they said? They told me "Well, it's not super common that we see people wanting to go back to the hospital from here, and if you're not in immediate danger, the hospital isn't gonna take you anyways. We're confident we can give you the help you need here, we treat mental health alongside addiction!" OK so, 1, no the FUCK they don't. Maybe they think they can help with some of these things, but everyone there was so incompetent and fucking stupid that they couldn't help me even when I was directly asking for it. I remember I spent maybe 4 or 5 days, almost completely dedicated to writing out my life in a journal. Went through some bigger events in my life, and I felt horrible too because I knew I had no one safe to share it with.

Eventually, the therapist there was someone I thought I could be safe with. So I shared my notes with her, and also added some about the not awesome things that were happening to me in treatment. One of the guys there, maybe 3 or 4 years older than me? started being really weird around me at one point, he was sending me secret love letters and COMING INTO MY ROOM, AND MY QUARTERS (THEY WERE BLOCKED OFF) AND SETTING THEM ON MY DESK. He was very mentally ill. Eventually, he left, he was not super popular there, he was a total rule follower among some of the more "forced to be there" 18-26 year olds. He had lots of yelling fits on the unit, and god just writing this i dont miss him. Anyways, one day I get permission to use my phone to write emails since I have things I need to do, and in my notifications, I see ONE HUNDRED PLUS MESSAGES FROM THIS MOTHERFUCKER, AND THEYRE ALL OBSESSIVE WEIRD STALKER COMMENTS. He's saying stuff about how we should meet up and go to meetings and whats my address and where do I live and eventually, because I didn't respond, (BECAUSE IM IN GOD DAMN REHAB), he starts going off on how im a terrible person, and he keeps going between "You're gonna make me kill myself" to "I won't do anything stupid" to "I'll give u the positive love but font get it twisted ur still my bitch and I'll still fuck that pussy right" (this last one is an actual text message he sent). Which is pretty much actually the whole FUCKING reason I wanted to get into somewhere co-ed!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways, because this was happening and no one was listening to me I started swlf harming. I wore my fair share of tshirsts around at night too, and not a single person noticed, even after I directly wrote to the therapist that I was actively cutting myself!! idk if she didn't read it, if she's stupid, or if she just didn't gaf, but after reading my giant block of text that I filled my journal with for most of the week, all she had to say was Wow! That was a page turner! Well, my heart goes out to you, but you seem to be doing really good on the unit now! (Does everyone think that just because i sometimes have conversational skills that im not unwell???) People who say I'm "doing good" are missing the whole God damn point. That isn't real healing, its pretending. I'm tired of it. I am scared that its gonna happen again. I almost don't want to get help because of it. but I think I have to try?

Last night I felt so bad and I wished so much that I had someone to talk to. I know some people call their sponsors when they're feeling like I did last night. But I don't have one. Idek if I'm ""qualified"" enough to have one? idk. I still feel like im a faker somehow and that I don't belong with "real" addicts. I feel like it would be stupid to get a sponsor for myself because I don't have "actual" problems. I am scared to join because I don't want anyone to know I am not ok. I want to heal in silence so that no one knows anything was wrong in the first place, but this may be something I have to let go of. I'm in school right now so I feel like I don't have time for getting better. I want to talk to my professors and just at least let them know I'm struggling, but I just can't make myself. I'm taking a drug education class actually, (I knew i had to take this class the moment I first saw it, even if it didn't end up being related to my major at all), and the professor himself is open about having struggled with addiction in the past. He is a phenomenal professor, and has experience in the medical field/treatment side of things too, so he is Knowledgeable. I feel like if I talked to him, I could maybe find a way to get the help I need from someone who actually knows something g about this, but at the same time, I could never. It's stupid and unprofessional, and there doesn't seem to be much of a reason to talk to him anyways. I should be able to find the help I need on my own. Plus, I'm tired of opening up to people. I just end up feeling stupid and ashamed and wishing I hadn't done it in the first place. I'm really good at bothering people and making people uncomfortable because I'm just so far removed from all of this that I don't even understand whats socially ok and whats not. Man, if literally anyone read this, thank you. and if you reply, Bless your soul lmao. I've been in an awful place and even if it's short, I just want a little bit of input. thanks 🥲

Yall so I literally tried to unalive myself today bit stopped because I got scared. I had to go to the hospital and get stiched which I've never had before. And the doctor was a massive asshole, he was telling me I'm stupid and why would I do this, and he was like you don't want to die. And they didn't even let me talk to a mental health doctor. They just gave me some appointment for 4 days from now and sent me home. I'm so confused and also super pissed about the doctor because he was being super aggressive and just jerky tbh.

I feel i want to self harm a lot at the moment i haven't felt so bad with life stuff, my mother is dying from terminal Cancer she at end stage and has anorexia is emaciated, and it triggers my eating disorder and my mental health. I feel like i want escape all the time dissociate all the time.

He said to me once " I got angry took a razer cut my arm one time though no other time". He also said in a call "when the mental health so bad you cut yourself and your parents lecture you for 50 mins about money of razor blades." then brushed it off. I will be looking closely at his arms and if warm legs to look for (repetitive) cuts. It seems he is and I'm concerned.

tw ig // kina long accidentally one swiped a bean 2 days ago even tho i been SHing for 10 years, this is my first one and yes, i mean it when i said it was by accident i was really stressed out after work n decided i was gonna relapse, but since my blade is old af(like 2-3yo), i figured it was really dull and wouldnt do too much damage since the last few times i relapsed, it was a struggle to even get a deep styro.
but ig my anger made me press alot harder than i realized i didnt even think it was possible to one swipe one :')) and since ive never done beans before i have no idea how to take care of it

usually i just rawdog my sh

let them bleed till they coagulate, wash the blood away n then let them be (no bandages, no antibiotics) n i never had n issue

but i feel like i shouldnt do that with this one

first day, i held pressure for about 20min, n then rinsed the area and wound with saline n put a bandaid on it

2nd day, i replaced the bandaid, rinsing the area with warm water before again, rinsing it out with saline, patted it dry, and put a bandaid with triple antibiotic ointment on it

and today, i washed the area with hand soap and warm water, patted it dry n let it air out for a little bit before taking a cotton pad and using smaller bandaids to hold it in place (i only had the 2 big bandaids so had to improvise this time) i didn't put any triple antibiotic on it this time

idk is what im doing wrong? what do i do? how long will it take to scab over/heal?

im so lost n i really dont want it to get infected :')) n i cant go to the doctor to get stiches cause then my roommate will know n he'll kill me if he finds out plus im scared of doctors

Honestly, is it even a relapse if I was only clean for like a week? Either way, definitely a rough day for me. I am NOT made to live in this reality 😭

I’ve been reading/watching the walking dead thinking about how much easier life would be in a zombie apocalypse. Like, I wouldn’t have to worry about a career and about money and understanding social queues. Like, surviving would be good enough. I wish I lived in a world where just existing was good enough.

Idek why today was so bad. I just woke up feeling way shittier than normal. That almost makes the relapse feel worse, I genuinely don’t know why I did it.

Anywho,, has anyone read Coming Up for Air by George Orwell? It’s my favorite book and I’ve read it like twenty times now