Hi

The pain I am going through is getting worse every day and I know I will never get over the struggle I am going through every day. I knew things were so bad that I couldn't be a normal person for the rest of my life, and I wasn't going to take that chance. All the memories that happened in my life, in my childhood... fights, arguments, bullying, loneliness, and it's all still happening to me. If there's one thing I want in my new life, if I'm lucky, it's my creativity, love of music, and peace of mind. I know I will never see my brothers, or my cousins grow up. I wish I was there to look after and protect my baby siblings when they started school. I'll miss everything in the future. I didn't understand why things had to go this way, but that's life, I don't want to feel alone anymore.

Lots had happened for my 21 years of life to me recently, my mind is not as strong as itg used to be and my friends who used to be by my side is no more. Used to be a bright burning fire for people and friends to help and guide them, but now I am just an ash waiting to be swept away.

I feel very loney, my chest hurts a lot and I feel empty.

I wish my friends and My love ones to be happy and have successful dreams. I really can't take it, I feel pain in my chest. Can't take it anymore. I'll spend a few more time to appreciate some stuff, last time.

I wish that when someone ask for help, try helping them, it's painful and sad when you need help but no one is there for you. I have always been there to help others, but when I need them I didn't get any.

I'm on the verge of just resting forever, I wish I can make it. But if not, then at least my final words in this hidden place can stay forever.

Please help anyone if they ask help, whenever you can. It means a lot for them. Thank you for your time.

Thank you for everything. I have to go now. this message wont take long. All I want to say is that its better to continue life without me. My life already ended, and I dont want to be remembered. What I wish is to thank you for whoever will read this. At least you now know the real me in this at least just once, this post.

Dont be like me, be yourself, trust me. Your enough.

its really a shame I wont get to meet you since my neck will be broken.

but...thank you still.

Thank you for everything. I have to go now. this message wont take long. All I want to say is that its better to continue life without me. My life already ended, and I dont want to be remembered. What I wish is to thank you for whoever will read this. At least you now know the real me in this at least just once, this post.

Dont be like me, be yourself, trust me. Your enough.

its really a shame I wont get to meet you since my neck will be broken.

but...thank you still.

S.V.G

I know I say some mean things at times as fo you. That dosnt excuse the fact that I hate this. I hate what you have done to us. I hate how you push the blame on me all.the time. I hate thatbuou can't just be honest with me. This entire situation was avoidable. Now you crossed the line and I have to stick to my guns. But I'm sorry for the words I chose. I wanted to hurt you but not like that. For that I apologize

This is for everyone that has known me. I'm done. To clarify I'm not killing myself, although I'd be kidding myself if I didn't think of that. I mean who hasn't, right? But I can't. I can't just leave this world because of other reasons. No instead I'm talking about the aspect of people. They have always failed me. They don't listen to me but I was always happy to listen to them. I don't know if there is anyone that genuinely cares about my well being in this world. I've tried to reach out, but all I get in response is a bunch of people saying that they can't hear things like this right now, or do you know how much others are hurting. Thats always been the excuse I've been told. I couldn't vent in the past and when I did I was eaither shut down or just punished for showing that kind of emotion. I was just suppose to smile and to never bother people like my parents or my siblings with problems I face. I don't even feel like this is a problem anymore. I don't think I can even feel anymore. I'm just numb to this place that surrounds me. I am just not getting anything from anyone. It's all blank now. I don't feel happy, sad, angry, scared. Its just nonexistent now. I look at others and feel nothing. I look at myself and feel nothing. I couldn't tell you the last time I looked in a mirror. I fantasies about just cutting my face off and seeing what is really underneath. To see what I really am. I don't know anymore. Its so hard to reach out. When I try to talk it's all shut down. It's like I don't have a voice. Well now I'm just going to accept that. I'm tired of trying and not having any different results. I think I need help but I'm too far gone now. I don't want to go back. I always thought that someone would contact me and just talk with me. But that never happened. Not with family, not with friends. Nobody even asked about me when I'm not within their line of sight. If I'm not immediately infront of someone, they dont think about me. I've tried so many times to call out to someone, but theres always just excuses after excuses. I know people have lives outside of mine, but I feel like I have never been given a real chance to be a part of it. But now I'm just leaving it. I don't care anymore. I don't want it anymore. I need to make it clear that this isn't a suicide note or a cry for help. Think of it as more of a way for me to vent. I'm tired of the family that don't care for me, the so called friends that don't care enough to stay in touch. Believe me I had tried but they all just ignored and left as if the time we spent together was nothing. Thats what all My time was, nothing. If nobody ever sees this, you must realize it is too late to help. I don't want the help anymore. But if there is a chosen few that stumbles upon this and read it. It's not too late for you, reach out and get the help you desire. As for me, I simply want to vanish.

I'm trying everything not to fall apart. This will be long.

Last Tuesday I learned that I'd lost a friend to suicide. I wouldn't even consider him to be a close friend, but we would meet from time to time at local bars or restaurants, having small chats. I remember the night I met him in October 2022, hearing his story, how he recently quit his job as a manager, moving in with his Mom again because his father was very sick... I remember how he told me after a few drinks, that he was struggling with addiction and already attempted suicide in the past. I cannot explain, but I felt he was a broken soul even before he told me that. At the end of the night I said to him: "At least, please try not to die young" and he told me he would try... I somehow felt we got some sort of connection. I suffer from depression as long as I can remember. That night I told my boyfriend "He's a very bright, loving person, but the way he struggles with himself... I'm afraid we will not have him with us very long."

Months passed, we would meet here and there. He went in and out of new jobs and moved to another city. It was about a year ago, when I met a friend of his mom, who told me he was in a dark place again, using substances... So I asked her to give me his number.

I reached out to him, asking how he was doing and when he's planning coming back to town... He red the message but never answered. So I met him a few weeks later. I assume he came back after his fathers illness got worse and he eventually died. My boyfriend and I made sure to tell our friend that he could reach out anytime. He never did.

At that time he started saying things like he's running out of time and that he'd be afraid to become schizophrenic just like his father. That he'd be afraid of "going crazy".

I figured that all I could do was making sure to let him know I cared about him. So I would send him messages on random occasions, telling him I hope he was doing ok and that I'd like to meet him again soon. I always felt relieved, when I saw that he'd seen the message. One time we met and he told me "thank you for your kind messages... You know, I just didn't feel like I could answer". I told him it's ok and that it's enough for me to see that he'd seen the message and acknowledged it. That it's enough for me to know he's still here. That I know the feeling of not being able to answer. So I never expected one.

He then started his own business, things seemed to go well for him. I wouldn't meet him as often, because he spent some time abroad because of that. He looked good, seemed full of plans.

September last year I saw him at a local restaurant, all alone, looking sad. I approached him, asking him what's wrong. He was very drunk and didn't want to talk about it. So I just sat there with him for maybe an hour trying to be some kind of company but eventually he would go smoke and never came back inside. Sure enough I messaged him again, felt relieved everytime he'd read the message but wouldn't see him in weeks.

Fortunately we had mutual friends who would tell me about what he was up to. It was always ups and downs. I would see him once or twice after that but he always seemed busy, maybe watching a soccer game at a local bar and leave right away after it had ended.

So at the beginning of January I messaged him again, we even ran into each other a few days later and he told me, his mother would go on vacation for three weeks and that we really should meet sometime, that "we could make that work". I was happy, said I'd love to and just have a little chat about what's going on in his life. He seemed good. Looked nice and healthy. I just got an new, green coat prior and he told me "You look so colorful today, I really like that." I thanked him and told him - as always - that he should take care of himself. Three weeks passed like nothing and I didn't hear from him. I was not thinking much of it, since we were not that close. I assumed he had a lot of work and that he eventually forgot about our conversation.

Friday, January 26th I got a random message from him. My heart rushed. That was the first time he ever messaged me. "Hey, thanks again for your kind message, that I just stumbled over again right now. How are you doing and what are you up to?" I responded less than 20mins later. I assumed he would be in town, sitting in a bar and reaching out to see if I was out too. So I told him how happy I was about his message and that I was a bit stressed, going through finals at university and just had closed my laptop but that I'm okay and hope he's okay too. I asked if he could find some rest in the time his mother was on vacation, since I knew their relationship wasn't always easy.

In the big picture, I was insignificant and unimportant and I wouldn’t have bothered leaving an explanation to why I’ve ended my life, except I felt an obligation to try to ensure the few who knew and loved me my suicide was absolutely not their fault and there was nothing they could have done to prevent it.

Those close to me knew I was struggling with profound mental illness for a very long time and in unbearable pain. My illness made me different and off-putting and I was misunderstood and ridiculed by many people my entire life.

I tried so very hard but I wasn’t able to fit in or be understood which caused extreme anguish I could simply no longer cope with.

I’m truly sorry to hurt those who loved and supported me. It may not be understood, but my illness caused my life to be unbearable and I made the very difficult decision to end my pain and be at peace.

I hope anyone who might be affected by my death will be at peace too knowing the nothingness I’ve chosen is far, far, better than the pain I have endured in life.

Despite my fervent desire to do so, I never made a positive impact on anyone in life, but my last wish is my death can somehow bring validity and understanding to anyone suffering from mental illnesses.

If I could help just one person be heard, or even inspire someone to be kinder to others, my life could have some meaning.

Please be kind to each other. Happiness and love are so precious and worth more than anything else in the world.

Dee

Who is your 'Red Person'? Describe someone who brings out your best self, making you feel at ease and less alone. feel free to even mention that person

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His last email. Always sweet, always ready with open arms.

We weren't talking because he wanted me to leave my boyfriend and come live with him (as a friend). He always meant well. He had Asperger's/autism, so didn't always understand what was appropriate. I wish I could have explained better to him what was wrong.

A month since you've been gone, I'm not going to lie and say this has been easy. If anything, it felt like October was never going to end and that I'd be in a mental prison forever.

I miss you so much eventhough I know I shouldn't. I miss the good mornings/nights. I miss seeing your name on the very top of my notifications. I miss our daily calls and hearing my favorite voice and the silly noises you make. I miss asking about your day and whether you've eaten or not and vice versa. I miss bombarding you with my shenanigans, rants and just spewing nonsense. I miss you telling me how I'm more than enough and how the world isn't ready for my gift. I miss the "i miss you sm" messages I miss you. But I know you're fine without me.

It still hurts me that every day you deliberately choose to not have me in your life, but that's okay. I can't force you or anyone in that matter, to keep me around, that's entirely up to you.

I can't help but wonder whether you also sometimes stay up late at night rethinking about everything we've said to one another, the promises, the giggle gaggles and overall 'situationship', cuz lol I do. You probably don't cuz you're just a silly boy who can't even form his thoughts/feelings into words, who didn't care about me/like me enough to be given the respect I deserve when you decided to walk away.

Was it worth it? How was it that easy for you to walk away from all this all like it was nothing? Do you not feel any guilt for the shit you put me through? Do you not regret ending things that way with me? Was I really all that you said I was to you? All these questions bombard my head every now and then, which isn't ideal because I will never have the answers to them.

I know you walked away first and may have moved on first, but I'm slowly getting there too, even if I didn't want to at first. I want you to be back cuz I know I'd accept you back within a heartbeat. But I also know that you aren't coming back anytime soon and you've been making that crystal clear. It took me a while to realize that, if your feelings aren't speaking as loudly as mine, I need to put myself first and walk away. If ever that you eventually follow, I'll forever let love lead the way. And if not, I had my answer and closure already anyway.

Regardless of how you treated me, my heart is still open and I still think fondly of you because I'm just a silly lover girl. I deserve more than how I was treated in the end, hopefully you'll realize that too and give me the proper apology that I deserve. Whenever it is that you decide to finally man up and reach out.

Until then, I'll be waiting for that apology, not you tho. Don't get me wrong, you still mean the absolute world to me, you just aren't worth the fight anymore.

Dkkd

Hey K so here i am again writing something like this but I guess this will be the last time it has to be all i want is for you to be the woman for me but I’m coming to learn it isn’t going to work between us no matter how hard i try and delude myself it will we are completely different people who from what I can see want completely different things its really hurts me that you’d rather go out with people from the pub than spend time with me or arrange anything I know you want to escape your mum and thats what i wanted to do take you away from her but it feels like in your eyes I can’t be the person you need but on that side aswell from this I don’t think you can be the person i need i have learnt my value and what i deserve and you can’t give me that and I don’t think you ever really could i just wanted you to be E so much but you’re not and never will be you will always hold a place in my heart but its time i really let you go so i can be the person i am meant to be because I’m hurting and i cant hurt anymore I’m sorry its come to this theres so much about you i will miss take care