TLDR: I’m turning 40, going through my 2nd divorce after a very toxic relationship, recovering from some serious mental health issues and am open to advice about this stage of life from an elder.

I’m in a weird place and turning 40 next month. I don’t have anyone in my life who is older than me and can relate to my experience so I’m putting myself out here for any advice from a wise elder who has been through some shit. Advice on my current situation, mindset about turning 40, how to welcome in 40 and celebrate it on my actual cake day, healthy habits to adopt now that I’m 40 and want to begin taking better care of myself, etc.

I’m ending a 10 year relationship. My husband and I have been married for the past 5 years of it. This is my 2nd marriage. In short there were clear issues going into the marriage phase of the relationship. As things continued to decline in the relationship I came to learn that I have a lot of codependency traits and he likely has BPD/NPD. My experience was that he was overly reliant on me and needed a lot of affirming but was also completely unaware of himself and unable to regulate his emotions.

I’ve always been very career driven and have my fair share of perfectionist and OCPD traits. My background is education and I completed my PhD in Dec. of 2019. From all of the stress of life I was extremely burnt out. Then cue the pandemic. In 2021 I received a cool job offer that allows us the opportunity to move to be closer to my family out of state. After the move I suffered a breakdown and have really struggled on the journey back from it over the last 1.5 years. But after doing a lot of work with a therapist and psychiatrist I’m in a much better place. I’ve worked through a lot of stuff related to the emotional trauma I experienced as a result of the guilt and shame I’ve secretly felt for being gay and the experience I’ve had as a result of that over the post 20 years.

I began the process to divorce a couple of weeks ago because I felt my mental health slipping again. Since then he stopped going to work and so has lost his job and is unemployed for the 4th time in our relationship. It’s been contentious and antagonistic since then so I’ve left him with the house and the pets while we work through the divorce with lawyers. Financially I’ll probably be lucky to be in the black when all of this is said and done.

What advice would you give me to help me prepare for the road ahead? 40 and beyond?

I'm conducting a thesis on LGBT representation and feelings of belonging within the gay community, I think it's especially important to hear perspectives from our older community members. I was hoping to start a discussion on how media may have played a role in your life. Were there any important people or productions that made you comfortable in your queerness? Any experiences of alienation? Please share your stories!

My name’s Lachlan, I’m a senior at the University of San Diego, and I’m currently researching media effects on the development of our sexual identity. My IRB approved research study focuses on the experience of self-identifying gay men in the United States. As a gay man myself, I have seen a profound shift in the representation of LGBT people within my lifetime. As queer culture and #Pride become uplifted to the mainstream, how exactly does that change the gay experience? What is gained in that transference? What is lost? I hope to explore those questions through our own coming out stories, spanning several decades. My aim is to track the connection between mass media representation and feelings of belonging within the LGBT community. To qualify for this study, participants must be over 18 and identify themselves as gay men. Your stories are invaluable to my research, and sharing your experience will shed light on the progress we have made and the resilience we contain as a community. Participation involves a one-on-one, 30 minute, audio-recorded Zoom interview with the researcher. This research study is completely anonymous, and participants will receive compensation for their time. If this seems of relevance to you, please reach out to me via DM or email at leicholzer@sandiego.edu. I hope to hear from some of you very soon!

I am a 65 yr old in Boston married kids and full of shame each time i meet a guy. looking for others to just talk to. how do you deal with both emotions joy of being with someone and then all the guilt of being with him.

Hey everyone,

My name is Spencer and I am researcher for a TV production company.

I am currently researching a project on LGBTQ people who come out later in life, and the realities of diving into the dating pool as a newly-out queer person.

I've been reading through the posts in this Reddit community and am being reminded of the importance and relevancy of the project I am currently researching. I am wondering if anyone in this group has come out recently - or is in the process of coming out - that would be willing to share their story with me? Specifically looking for Canadians or Americans.

Thanks all,
Spencer

(and in case anyone is wondering, I too am part of the LGBTQ community) =]

As Psychology Honours students at Charles Sturt University, we are currently running a study that investigates how motivation and ability to set and achieve goals and being kind to yourself might protect against depressive symptoms among lesbian, gay, and bisexual adults.

This online survey is open to lesbian, gay, and bisexual men and women and will take no longer than 15-20 minutes.

Please click the link below for further information and to complete the survey.

https://lgbwellbeing.questionpro.com.au/

we would really appreciate your time!

Thanks

Jordana

I’m slowly trying to come into my place as a man that is attracted to men. At least in a sexual manner. All is well until after the experience is over and the guilt or shame slides in and makes me feel bad.

Does anyone else ever experience this?

Hi people,

I am a student ethnographer (Cultural Anthropology and Jagiellonian University) currently working on a project focusing on lives of senior queer community from/in Poland. Please DM me if you are interested in a talk - sharing your story or/and your opinions about current events/political struggle/activism (it might me a text conversation or zoom call, whatever suits you).

How has the dating scene changed now compared to the time before you ltr.

What event or moment let you know your family really didn't approve of your gay life

I very much enjoy being a husband, partner, boyfriend, and used to feel lonely in the times between pairings. But at 56, I'm realizing that for the first time I'm reveling in the freedom that comes with being single. I care about others, but I also care about myself, and feel it's a good time in my life to not have to coordinate with someone, even someone I care about. Very liberating. I hope you all are having your best lives!

Open minded and willing to learn.