I'm just so tired of this. We were on the fence for so long and then it happened without trying in the beginning of 2021. I felt very strange and felt very happy for once like things were finally falling into place. But that would all go away in two weeks and it was way more painful than usual.

I went to the gyno to tell him about this and he thought there was nothing unusual and I should have no trouble conceiving in the next few months. Three years passed and there's been a big fat nothing. Not even that strange feeling I had before. I should have scheduled another gyno appointment a year after the last one but I was too much of a wimp. In spring 2024, I got an email that my gyno is retiring. I took that as my sign to finally open up about this. Again, he wasn't seeing anything strange on his end but since it had been three years without anything, he ordered up some blood work for my and a SA for my husband.

Collecting a sample was much more awkward than we thought. We thought we had enough but we had to pay almost $400 for them to tell us it wasn't enough. My blood work came back all normal except for a consistent very elevated 17-oh progesterone which they said is a contributing factor. When I opened up to this to a long time friend she just said, "If you're stressed about money now, what do you think a baby would do? I don't know why you want a baby anyway with Trump back in office. And oh, you won't get to do your cool art and hobbies anymore after you have a baby."

Anyway, right before the gyno retired he referred me to the RE. The appointment is finally coming up in two weeks to look at everything and it looks like SA is significantly cheaper at that facility too. I am very nervous about the appointment. I want there to be something we can do. I want a Dr to give me a real answer about my diet, exercise, and black coffee consumption. I know I need to lose the 25 pounds I gained in the past few years and then the other stubborn pounds. I get afraid of dieting/exercising too hard so the scale stays the same. I know I probably drink too much coffee but no one's given me an answer about how much to drink when trying to conceive. At least I managed to lose interest in alcohol during this process. The old gyno didn't see them as being factors that would affect this.

This whole process is eating me alive. It seems like everyone around me left and right is getting knocked up. Whenever my mom calls, it's always to ask if I'm having a baby yet. And when I say no and sound sad, she says I should have a baby to help with the sadness. My MIL also asks but is more sympathetic. And if we say no, she says it's better not to in this political environment with all the woke stuff.

I just feel like a complete failure of a woman. Apparently J.D. Vance thinks so too. I do my best to make the holidays nice for my husband and for my inner child but deep done I feel like I am continually doing the holidays wrong without a child or big family to celebrate with. I feel this every year. My husband is sad about this too but it's not eating him up. I feel like I can't talk about this with anyone without getting my head bitten off.

Does anyone keep a journal of your infertility struggle? If so what do you keep track of, stuff you write down? I was going to start one with all the medicines I am out on, the doses, what day I started just to keep track better for the doctors. Just looking for other ideas of what to put in it.

Okay. I don't usually post public things so here I go. I've been ( by myself) dealing infertility for 7+ years. I feel like I'm at it alone. I've asked my partner to join a few times but they couldn't because of work at first. After a while my partner has had issues keeping work. I work really hard and I've had more success with work but less personal time to tend to myself. All of the sisters/brothers in-laws etc do not have children and can't or don't want any. I apologize if I'm all over the place. I have tried everything that I can to try and have children short of IVF ( because I'm the provider in my home and can not afford it). I'm frustrated because my partner can't keep a decent paying job and has loads to say about my feelings. If he had a regular job maybe we could do more. He likes to say " we should have more sex" or he'll bring up God and faith. At this point I don't believe in anything anymore. I don't believe in miracles, science, faith, fucking aliens.... like nothing. So anytime a close friend or relative announces they're expecting (of course without trying) I spiral. I don't know what I did so wrong in my life that I'm paying for it in this way. I never asked to have a child shaped hole in my life. I don't even know how to live life anymore in this grief. I feel alone and angry all the time.

I'm honestly really struggling mentally right now, I'm trying to put up Christmas decorations but im balling my eyes out.

There used to be a time putting Xmas Decs up was the happiest day of my year, I loved Xmas, the lead up, the family time, the Xmas films. But now it's getting harder and harder.

We're 2.5 years into this mess.

Year 1 was: next year well be pregnant or with a baby; Year 2 was: were starting ivf so maybe we'll be pregnant

Year 3 im faltering. Realistically the earliest cycle is march, but after egg collection Its been suggested to do a lapsroscopy so earliest possible transfer is may assuming everything goes okay. But the current assumption is my egg quality is to blame. If my eggs are dud there's no guarantee may will work.

After 2.5years of this shit I'm so fed up and Xmas something I used to love so deeply has gone. It's dead to me.

Please help me frame this better in my mind. How are you coping?

I don't even know if this is the right thread for this, but here we go.

We've been ttc for over 2 and a half years. I've always known I wanted to be a mom and wanted a family, despite never really being around kids much growing up. I was always the youngest, we never did any babysitting for neighbors or friends, so I haven't really been around a lot of kids or babies for long periods of time before.

And then my husbands sister had a baby last year. He's one. I was thrilled for her and I was so excited to be an aunt. I daydreamed about the day we would walk in her house and he'd come running over to us to say hi, or the day he started remembering who we were and was excited to see us. Finally, a baby in the family I could grow a bond with. When he was an infant, it was really simple - you just held them and baby talked to them and they just laid there. They couldn't really express if they liked you or not. And now, our nephew has become old enough (1 year) to start walking and showing interest in different things. He's particularly found an interest in my husband. My husband is the most non-awkward person.. very easy to talk to and great with people and conversation. I'm a bit more quiet and a have a bit of social anxiety. But I'm pretty close with my sister in law, so I was never really worried about interactions with her baby. Anyway, now that he's a year old and starting to show interest in liking certain people and things, it's very clear that he has no interest in me. My husband is so good with him.. he seems to know exactly what to do, what to say, what goofy faces and noises to make.. it all just comes so naturally. And the baby laughs and smiles and just loves him. Now that he can walk.. he walks right past me (even when I try to interact with him), and goes right to my husband and reaches his arms up to him. I sit there kind of feeling like a piece of crap. We try to see them often, and go out of our way to make plans with them or just stop over so that we are in his life, but it seems like my husband is growing a bond with him, and I'm not. Last month, he had his first birthday party and I picked him up to try to get a photo with him, and he started crying, and reached his hands out to my husband. I felt awful. He constantly reaches for him and wants to see him, but wants nothing to do with me. Anytime I've tried interacting or playing peekaboo or anything like that, he's not interested.

Maybe it seems like I'm taking the actions of a one year old personally, but I'm just kind of feeling like everyone got a manual on how to interact with babies and I failed to get it. It just kind of hurts my feelings when he seems to bond naturally with my husband, and others, and he has no interest in me whenever I get to interact with him. It just seems to come really naturally for everyone. He has two other aunts, and they just scoop him up and start being silly with him, or feeding him, or cuddling him.. and then when I'm with him, he either cries, or wants to be with someone else.

My sister in law had a get together tonight with family and friends, and of course the entire focus all night was on the baby. I held him for a little bit, until he reached for my husband who was sitting next to me, and just felt like my ego was shot, so I didn't bother much anymore. When we got home, my husband was clearly in a good mood (he typically he when hes had a nice day with his family and he's gotten to spend time with his nephew), and he randomly said when we got home and sat down, "Hey, X really likes me!", and I just said, "yup, I see that." And I just got quiet after that. It is very clear that he likes him. He wants nothing to do with me, and honestly the more I try with him, the more I get shut down, and the less I want to bother.

I'm not the type of person to be all 'goo goo gaga' making silly faces and jumping up and down acting goofy.. it's just not me, I'm more reserved. Do I need to do those things to get my nephew to like me? It is just the age he's at right now? It's not like I don't try to talk to him or play with him, I do try, but he doesn't seem to respond to anything I say or do.

It's really making me think deeper about this whole having a kid thing. What if I'm not good at it? What if my own baby doesn't like me? What if I have no clue what I'm doing? What if my baby wants nothing to do with me and just wants to be held by my husband? I don't think I could handle that.

I feel like ever since my sister in law had a baby, it's ALL that everyone talks about and focuses on when we're around. Anytime we all get together, we all just watch him run around and laugh at him and talk about him and it's just what all our get togethers are centered around now and I honestly feel just like an outcast that I can't seem to form a bond with him, and yet everyone else can.

Again, this is my husband's sister's baby. Do you think I'll be more comfortable/it'll get easier if my own sister has a baby? Why is this so hard for me?

A month ago, my friend unexpectedly announced her pregnancy at a Halloween movie night. “We literally JUST found out.” I smiled and offered to heat up some cider for everyone (removed myself to cry). I experienced a loss in July that she didn’t know about, and I certainly wasn’t going to tell her while she was so excited for her pregnancy. After I composed myself, I was secretly nervous for them because it was so early to announce.

A few weeks later, she let me know that she had a missed miscarriage and that the fetus didn’t develop past 5 weeks (estimated). I told her about my own pregnancy lost and offered for us to get together as women to talk about it. I was grateful for a chance to help in anyway I could, knowing how devastating it is to go through a loss.

Our meetup was bittersweet. While I was thankful for the chance to tell her what has helped me and commiserate on the dumb things people say after loss, a few things just kinda poured salt in my infertility wound (and I know nothing was intentional on her part).

1. Her and her husband got pregnant on their first try. And they were only using an app to track ovulation.
2. She had no idea what an OPK was or how ovulation even really worked. She didn’t know about when you get referred for further testing after pregnancy loss. She didn’t know a lot about reproduction. God I wish I didn’t know as much as I do!! It’s only out of necessity.
3. She said that she thought it was beautiful that her body “held on” to her baby. And that she thought it would have been a failure if she started bleeding/actively miscarrying. I had a normal chemical pregnancy/early loss, so I guess my body failed lol I know she didn’t mean any offense but it wasn’t fun to hear!

Idk!!! Just needed to vent. This is all so torturous.

Hosted thanksgiving this year and SIL had to tell me they weren’t staying the whole time so her kid could go play with his cousins and not be bored. She’s very well of our infertility struggles and still has the nerve to say shit like this, every chance she gets. Thanks for reminding me we are unintentionally childless.

Infertility sucks and so does Debra in accounting, who just came back from her maternity leave. Who are you mad at IRL this week? Call out anyone who has wronged you and add a nice "fuck you" at the end. Or just type out a whole bunch of swears. We won't tell on you.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 7 years and didn’t try/didn’t prevent basically for the entirety of the time we’ve been together. We have been actively trying for 2-3 years now. I am waiting to start my 4th round of Letrozole because I have PCOS and I finally found a good doctor that was willing to do something other than tell me to lose weight. I’ve only had one cycle since starting Letrozole that I have successfully ovulated.

I found out a few weeks ago that his youngest sister is pregnant with a guy she just met “after their first time without protection.” She knows it’s a sensitive topic and I’ve tried to avoid talking/hearing about it as much as possible.

Today we had Thanksgiving and I struggled all day to push back my feelings when the subject came up. A close family friend came over to eat with the family and they told him and I just had to leave and walk outside. I spent probably an hour on the front porch away from everyone trying not to bawl my eyes out (unsuccessfully). I know it’s going to be all they talk about indefinitely and it’s making me want to skip Christmas for my own peace.

I’m 33 and I feel like my time is running out. I realize that her fertility has nothing to do with mine but constantly hearing that it happened after the first time while I have to medicate for even a chance is leaving me a little bitter.

My husband and I live in a different state than the rest of our (hometown) friends and family. He’s in the military so every year, we host any other military friend who can’t go home for the holidays. Today was no different. We were expecting like 10ish people, so I started prepping a ton of stuff last night and even more this morning, including the turkey. I was already overwhelmed and stressed out about the whole thing.

ANYWAY, up until today, I just kept thinking about all the “little turkey” announcements that would be made. I don’t have any social media so I didn’t have to worry about it myself, but I was worried about my husband. All morning, I was waiting for a “hey babe, I know you don’t want to hear this, but…” with the inevitable this person is pregnant comment. But none came, and I was feeling okay.

I hadn’t gotten the normal text from my group of best friends, which I thought was weird, but we’re all in our 30s (and they all have families of their own) so I didn’t really think much of it. About 30 minutes before everyone was due to get here for dinner, I see the best friend group chat pop up. I open it up and all I saw at first was a “(kids name) fit for today.” Then I look at the picture and sure enough it’s said kid holding ultrasound pictures with a “baby boy coming 2025.”

I nearly lost my mind. Of ALL THE DAY AND WAYS to tell someone, you choose a holiday group chat when both other friends already have 2 kids each and I’m THE ONLY ONE who doesn’t have a kid because I’ve been dealing with infertility for 3+ years. When I told my husband, he did the obligatory “good for them, you should be happy for them.”

Then as the minutes passed, my husband was getting more and more angry. Mumbling to himself about how it’s a holiday and it’s so inconsiderate and how my friends need to learn how to read a room. He is usually Switzerland with this kind of stuff and I’m usually the one who spirals immediately. But today, it was him who really took it to heart. When I say, I’ve never seen him as angry as I did today about this fertility nonsense, I am still shocked it hit him so hard.

I just cannot wrap my head around the audacity it takes to announce like this. Mind you, last year, as a Friendsgiving with the same friends, a different friend announced she was pregnant with her second. So the fact that after last year and seeing how upset I was, she still decided to announce this way is just even more ridiculous to me.

It’s just so unfair. When will it be my time to have an announcement. When can I be the one who shocks my friends with a baby. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, but this year just doesn’t feel like it should and it absolutely sucks.

I’m sorry to anyone else who had to deal with a really shitty announcement today then continuing on like everything is hunky dory. I see you and I’m sending you BIG TURKEY hugs. ✨

My husband and I are approaching 2 years TTC and the third month on clomid. He's incredible and has mental strength I could only dream of. He could have sex every day even those days he works a 16 hour shift, yes I know! But personally, I am becoming tired of having sex for the requirement of conceiving. I'm desperate to be caught up in the passion of it, but how can I when every month is focused on conceiving?

As we approach the new year, tipping into 2025- We often get drawn into the goal setting, making wishes and manifesting This will be my third New Year TTC.

The first New Year, I'd been trying to concieve for a few months at that point, and I approached it with the almost certain, giddy understanding that I'd be holding a baby this time next year (I was naive to the journey and what was to come 🙃).

The year after, I approached the New Year a bit more delicate with my manifestations- a diagnosis of PCOS under my arm. I told myself that I'll at least be pregnant by this time next year- surely after trying for so long, I'd get pregnant sometime soon...

And now where here- approaching another New Year and the magic that comes with it. The fresh starts and intentions. My third year.

I'd smile to see an positive ovulation test at this point, since I randomly stopped ovulating Year 2 (I had tests, my lack of ovulation and anovulation were attributed to PCOS). I'll break into a dance just to be told my eggs are mature and look good.

I do have a bit of hope still- I've not really responded to letrezole so far.. but it's early days and I keep telling myself that.

But as I look back at my New Year's wishes (luckily I just tell my heart them, rather than writing them down- no one wants that sad reminder and evidence) I've went from 'ill have a baby' to 'ill be at least pregnant' to 'ill be ovulating regularly with mature eggs' 🥲

God who knows what I'll settle with next year 🙃. Maybe I'll just be greatul if I haven't cracked up and let the bitterness consume me, as I get lapped by all my friends.

I'm in my feels today, Christmas time is magical and I was hoping for something different.

But whatever, maybe I'll still go big and wish for a baby- I'm already disappointed enough with how this journey has turned out, so forcing myself to hope over again, when I never truly really stop isn't too bad- Maybe I'll go big, maybe I'll light a candle or something, throw paper wishes into the fire and get really into it 😂

But ultimately I just want my body to fucking work and let me start the new chapter I was ready for years ago, instead of tainting the last page of a chapter I was really proud of, by hanging around after it was supposed to finish 😵‍💫

I wasn’t anticipating how hard this holiday season would be. Today is Thanksgiving and I woke up feeling so angry. Not to mention, I’ve been consumed by thoughts about infertility and our upcoming IVF journey everyday prior. I feel like I am really processing the fact that we are about to reach THREE years trying to conceive. I never would have imagined that day would come, or that we’d even be close to it. I remember when we first began trying and I’d read online or in forums about others experiences, and when I would see that someone was trying for even ONE year I’d feel so much empathy for them but also- didn’t ever imagine that could even possibly be me. Getting to that one year mark ourselves, I never thought it possible we’d be at two years, let alone three, without one pregnancy. I thought letrozole would have worked, or getting my polyps removed, and when it didn’t, I thought IUI would do the trick and we’d be the lucky ones. It hasn’t. And I feel like it’s becoming more and more real that something is really wrong with me. And I’m so angry it’s this. Having children, something we imagine ourselves doing our entire lives, something you’re expected to be able to give your husband and his family, becoming a mom, a parent, how exciting and full of a love that I still don’t know and can’t feel. Seeing people from high school accidentally pregnant or on their 5th kid or have these perfect stories of becoming a mom is brutal and I can’t help but wonder what they must think of the fact we haven’t had kids. The pity or sympathy, just feels so awful.

Infertility is hard, and we all have coping mechanisms. Sometimes we need to just treat ourselves. Whether it's eating cheetos all day and marathoning your comfort show, a video game, a really great recipe you just made, or a haul from a store you love, what is your treat this week?

My friend is pregnant again but she just won't tell me yet. Her first baby is only 7 months old. She posted a photo of her perfect abs and flat stomach just weeks after giving birth. I saw her last weekend and she had an obvious bump but never mentioned it and of course it's inappropriate of me to ask.

This will be her double lapping me (she gets pregnancy twice and manages to have 2 kids the entire time I'm trying). I am supposed to see her tomorrow so I think she might tell me then, but it is going to tell like a hostage situation for me. I told her last time to please tell me via text so I have time to process it.

Well now I have time to pre-process and formulate a response ahead of time. What should I say/do? Imagine I cannot leave this situation for a few hours after she breaks the news.

Hello, I tested negative for my 3rd IUI this morning and found out we can't move on to IVF until the end of January at the earliest. We were given the option try IUIs until then, but my husband is suggesting I take a break from treatment/meds during that time. He wants to resume with trying another IUI in January/February before deciding on IVF. The impatient side of me wants to just push through and not take a break. Wondering if anyone has had any regrets after taking breaks from treatment? I don't want to feel like I'm intentionally missing out on chances, if that makes sense. I'd really appreciate any thoughts or advice.

Like many of us I’m struggling with some friendships while going through a difficult IVF journey - multiple cycles, myomectomies, awaiting a further transfer next year.

One of my “best” friends has the view that she’s there for me but I won’t let her be, however in reality she’s been very insensitive (eg complaining about contraception side effects while I was a few weeks post-miscarriage, sending pics of kids all the time when I’m stuck recovering from surgery) and inconsistent (unavailable many times due to tired/busy etc, but then when she’s available sends lots of texts saying she’s always there and wanting to catch up even when I say I’m not feeling physically or mentally up to it. Just always on her terms). In reality I wish it was different but previous catch ups have not been helpful but more painful - she doesn’t seem to understand any of the grief that we’re experiencing, and feels emotionless and almost cold in her responses to me. Also never follows up if I share something difficult that’s happened.

How do I explain to someone that it’s just not helpful to be around her, and that I really love her and wish I could lean on her more but so far due to her reactions, I just haven’t been able to? I feel like I’ve lost so much already that I don’t want to lose another friend and say anything potentially hurtful, but also struggling with all the texts wanting to catch up and the “I’m here for you” (even though it feels nothing like it) 🙏

Hi all. I’m sure I’m not the only one on here that is having a tough time with the holiday. I can’t seem to even try and make the few dishes that I agreed to for my family dinner. All I have done is cry. Called my therapist who was on the way out of town to see her family, so I cannot burden her with this. I just keep thinking back to when I felt like things were going so good last year and to have the news this year that we are not going to be able to move forward in our TTC journey is breaking my heart. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t know how to stop crying. I don’t know how I’m gonna face anyone. I feel like a failure. I can’t seem to just swallow this for a couple of days in order to get through this holiday. There are plenty of people out there that are going through really tough things and they are pushing through why can’t I?

So me and partner have been TTC for over 2 years now with absolutely no results and it’s pretty well known among my friends. A few months ago one of my closest friends let me know she was trying as well… Today she let me know she’s 12 weeks pregnant and although I knew it was going to happen and I was preparing myself, the pain I am feeling right now is just unbelievable. I keep telling myself I’m happy but my god I actually just want to stop breathing. I feel every negative emotion and I want it to stop. I also feel like a selfish dickhead for not just being happy for her… sorry just needed to rant.

I just wanted to vent and was looking for a safe space. We are in this consciously TTC journey since last two years, been married for 5. Though we never actively tried to prevent pregnancy from happening for the first 3. I used to be in a lot of pain and found out had adenomyosis requiring an emergency laparotomy and an adenomyomectomy last year June. Since then had two failed iui and planning/preparing for IVF. The disheartening part is my cycles are all over the place, making it so much more harder to try. The hormone medications don't help me at all. I had bleeding straight for a month and within two weeks the next cycle started. It is so so so frustrating! I m pediatrician and with babies/children all day. Each time i attend a delivery call and tell the family about their baby, my heart breaks a little, always wondering if i ever get to hold mine. The worst part is no one understands what i feel like. Friends/colleagues/ family are all like you are with kids all day anyway and you don't even have to do the difficult things of parenting. That's such a blessing. You have such a good career and life. No needless expenses and worries.

Well i don't even want anyone to understand but saying this is the greater scheme of things and that I m sooo so lucky is really really hurtful

What's making you say "WTF?!" this week?

I just need to vent. I feel so broken, empty, jealous, and tired. so tired. We’ve been at this for years. I’ve had 2 MMCs at 12 weeks, so we moved to IVF. First ER we made 0 embryos. Second ER we made 1. First FET to transfer our lone embryo was cancelled because my lining was crap. probably from 3 D&Cs. ugh. literally all of my friends (all 8 bridesmaids) got pregnant first try on their honeymoons, no losses. I started trying at the same time as 3 of them, and all 3 have now announced their seconds. first try again. I feel like such a monster. such a loser. every single person in my life is just floating through their fertility journeys creating the families they want on the exact timeline they want. living their lives at pumpkin patches, trick or treating, going to see santa. meanwhile all I do is go to appts, take meds, google search every last anxious thought until I fall asleep, cry. so much crying. nothing makes me excited anymore. I’m dreading the holidays. I’m dreading getting christmas cards and having to see everyone’s family photos all month. I’m dreading another christmas just hanging 2 stockings. another christmas longing for the babies I’ve lost. I don’t want it to turn 2025. another year over and no closer. another birthday and year older right around the corner. I want to run away and disconnect from everyone and everything. this is such a cruel, grueling journey. again, I’m just so tired.

So, I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about this. Apologize if it isn’t the right forum. And if this is rambling. My husband has been depressed lately. I do think most of it stems from our fertility issues. I’ve tried to get him to go to therapy, alone or couples. He has sought out help for his depression, but the medication is causing issues in the bedroom. I know it’s normal to not want to do things but he doesn’t do anything besides the ‘fun’ things he enjoys. He says he has no energy to take care of the things around our home. So lots has fallen to the wayside and it gets to a point where we end up having to clean up messes or things are broken and have fallen into disrepair. This weekend we were cleaning things up that are from a result of what I’ve previously mentioned. As we were talking and working, we started talking about children and life. He said that he would feel more motivated if we had kids to get stuff done. I asked him, “why I am I not enough to motivate you to keep things nice/taken care of?” He was taken aback by this and immediately apologized and said he didn’t mean to say that in a mean way. He then also said, “don’t you also feel like something is missing?” This isn’t the first time he’s shared something along this sentiment. Another time he said, “well I don’t really look at us as a family because we don’t have kids.” Let me know your thoughts or if you’ve gone through this and how you got through it. Infertility is hard but sometimes I really feel like the cards are just stacked against us anymore. Also, please let me know if I’m being selfish or a jackass. Thanks in advance.

I dread every holiday get together because I'm afraid of a surprise pregnancy announcement. .

Thanksgiving is stressing me the hell out.

Did anyone else experience an unusually Light period after a failed medicated iui? I just had my first iui, and first iui fail, and my period has been extremely light. I normally have a full 5-day period with most of the bleeding days 2-3. This month I only had one day of actual bleeding, and two days of spotting… and now it seems to be over. I guess I just expected it to be heavier due to the meds and I had 3 mature follicles. I have an appointment with our RE tomorrow, and will bring it up to her, but I was just curious if anyone else experienced this.

Just a vent. Maybe i'm looking for some advice on how to handle this whole situation a bit clearer?

My SIL is very pregnant and about to give birth in the next few weeks. I went to her baby shower on the weekend. I really didn't want to go, and it was shitty, but I did it for my husband and I was proud of how I handled it. A few days later after processing it all, and the emotions are bubbling up.

What i'm struggling with most is how my in-laws have basically abandoning me and my husband through the whole pregnancy. They live out of town and never come to the city where all three boys live. They've been coming a lot more regularly in the lead up to the birth, but have not once visited my husband and I. They have even turned down invitations from my husband.

I feel so neglected. Not that we are super close nor do I especially want to be, but I do value family. It is just this huge elephant in the room. The family knows we have been having issues for years, and the younger brother is the first to have a baby. But no one mentions it. No one asks how we're travelling. My SIL texted me once after they announced basically saying they couldn't wait any longer to tell us and didn't want us to find out from others (which was a weird way to put it), but since then, crickets. We're basically being ignored.

I'm feeling it more than my husband, as he just kinda accepts that his family is emotionally disconnected, although he said he is hurt his dad hasn't asked him about how things are going for us in a long time. Obviously I don't expect lots of attention, but just some acknowledgement or care would be nice.

Don't know if there is anything to do about it. It's just one of those things that comes with infertility. But I'm sick of having to be the polite one, internally dealing with all my feelings when around family, putting others needs first, whilst everyone just goes along happily. I'm dreading the baby being born to be honest. BIL has asked us to get vaccinated before the baby arrives and the resentful/hurt part of me wants to not get it just so I can avoid the whole thing for the first few months.

Yes, i'm in therapy lol.

How doing today? Let everybody know in gif, emoji, or text format.

If you don’t know, Joy on Netflix is a new movie exploring the invention of IVF. I have endometriosis and recently got told I’ll need IVF to conceive as the damage is so great, and so I was reluctant to watch the movie as I thought it would destroy me.

And yes, it did. But it also made me feel seen in a way I never have before. You can find plenty of movies or TV shows where a woman is suffering from infertility, but it’s always portrayed as a negative character trait that makes the woman cold, bitter, psycho, obsessed with other people’s babies etc. And yes, I’m sure we can all relate to the feelings of being bitter, but it’s hurtful go see infertility portrayed as a negative character trait when we’re watching TV, as if it’s something we need to be ashamed of or apologise for. The infertile woman is always portrayed in a certain way and it makes me so fucking angry. Recently had to stop watching a favourite show of mine because they developed a plot where an infertile woman kidnaps the baby her husband had with his mistress, and it made me want to kill myself.

There are also plenty of feminist movies and TV shows around, but motherhood is very often a core aspect. Which is fine and necessary, I respect that. You’ll also get feminist media where the CHOICE to not have a child or choice not to be in a relationship is celebrated, again, that’s brilliant. But when the media wants to cover infertility, the whole feminist point is forgotten and it’s all about “How crazy, nasty and bitter can we make this woman?”.

But Joy is the first movie that mentions infertility in a way that doesn’t demonise the infertile woman. It’s the first feminist perspective of IVF I’ve seen in media. It has aspects such as The Ovum Club (a group of women who assist in research with the goal of helping other infertile woman), the main character’s struggle with endometriosis, knowing it’s too late for her but wanting other women to have their babies etc. The scientists involved fighting for these women, and talking about how whether or not to have children should be a CHOICE. In modern feminism, choice is always talked about in abortion (rightly so), but then people completely change their attitudes when discussing the fact that some women want to chose to have children but can’t due to their health. This movie finally shows that fertility treatment is healthcare and shouldn’t be demonised.

Also, suffering from endometriosis, this movie particularly spoke to me. I’ve been educating my partner about my condition, which he’d never heard of before me, and he researches it and asks questions to learn more. When endometriosis was mentioned in this movie by the main character, I got excited and shouted for him to come and see lol. He was happy to see it acknowledged too, and asked me to play the movie from the beginning. One of the scientists in the movie pioneered laparoscopic surgery, which once again is a big deal to me as an endometriosis sufferer. I was able to explain to my partner “That’s what I’ll be going through.” Finally having my illness acknowledged in the media is such a validating feeling. Like no, I’m NOT making this up! My illness (endo and infertility) is real and serious, serious enough that these scientists dedicated their careers to it.

My mum, who conceived 2 children spontaneously in her late 30s, also talks shit about IVF and how it’s playing god (yet still pressures me to get pregnant so she can have grandchildren, lol). I told her to watch the movie, and she actually got back to me and apologised.

The movie truly healed something within me and my perception of myself.

Hey everyone,

I’m struggling right now, and I just need to get this off my chest.

We’ve been waiting 20 months for partially covered IVF, and it’s finally coming up in just 4 weeks. The wait has been long, especially with having to go through surgery for endometriosis and a septate uterus resection, which only added more delays.

Yesterday, I spent hours filling out IVF and PGT consent forms, and just when I thought I could breathe, the clinic raised their prices for the third time—one embryo is now $1590. The financial burden is overwhelming, especially with everything else going on.

The paperwork alone was 18 pages, and next week we have more to sign for the drug teaching and injections. The holidays should be a time for peace and joy, but instead, I’m buried in IVF prep. On top of that, I was up at 2 AM last night after a recent loss, and my clinic still hasn’t responded about further testing. It feels like the emotional weight of this journey never lets up, and the holidays just highlight that.

Infertility is hard enough without all the added stress of everything that comes with IVF. It feels like no one talks about how this time of year can be even more draining when you're going through it. If anyone else is dealing with this during the holidays, I’d love to hear how you’re managing.

Thanks for letting me vent. We’re all in this together.

Last week I found out once again a particular aspect of my career will not be moving forward yet again.

Usually I would be depressed for days, I would feel like life is flying by and thinking it may never happen. But this time I just feel calm? I think infertility has taught me life isn’t going to be exactly what I want it to be but I can still make it beautiful. And who knows, maybe I’m having a delayed response but it’s just a regroup and move on, try again, maybe take a weekend trip. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just numb to it all? Who knows. I’m happy I’m taking things better than expected. I’m glad I’m at this place mentally. Still have hope, still give things a try, but still remembering life exists outside of pushing for the things I truly want.

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m glad for tiny mental health victories. It’s a far cry from where I was before when I was almost institutionalized.