I have this problem that I've become increasingly aware of. When I meet someone whom I really like (whether platonically or romantically) and they politely withhold information about themselves in conversation I feel a sinking feeling of disappointment. This happens both online and in person, but is especially apparent in my online friendships where people are less likely to share information. I will speak to someone for a long time and they subtly brush me off when I ask them about their major (for example) and I'll just feel extremely sad, especially if we were having a deep conversation prior to that. I keep it to myself though because it would be inappropriate to insist on knowing what they don't want to know. People in person do this too but less obviously, they'll usually just be vague about things but I always notice.

I think part of why it makes me so depressed is because it makes me aware that I am not close to the person as much as I thought I was. It also bothers me because I would never share the information they tell me and it hurts knowing that they would doubt that, or worse, prefer that I specifically don't know.

I'm really good at acting like I don't feel this way, and I find it quite shameful to feel like this. But regardless of how much I hide it, I still feel like it regardless. It's easy to change behavior, hard to change how I feel.

In this thread, please share all that you've been struggling with. Find support and be witnessed in your struggless. You are encouraged to share the good, the bad and the ugly! Nothing is off limits as long as it's contained within our rules.

I’m 25m, AP (disorganized I think) 3 months out from a breakup with a girl 21f DA whom I loved (and whom I thought loved me). I’m really struggling to find purpose.

I’m in college now. I have two jobs. I have a band. I’m even talking to this girl that’s cute but I’m getting turned off from her because of the clingyness and her low sense of care about my well being. She’s also sending mixed signals and I hate playing games when it comes to dating. The clingyness though is almost like another kick in the gut because now I’m seeing how my ex viewed me.

Everyone said to do all this bullshit. “Fill your schedule up, go to the gym, have a purpose, try new stuff, go to therapy.” Motherfucker I did ALL of that and I STILL feel empty without the love I had with her in my life. I cannot for the life of me feel whole without love in my life.

I wish I could cut this part of me out. I feel weak. I feel like a failure of a man and an adult. I try to be happy in social settings but all of my friends have kids and it just reminds me of what I could’ve had if we just worked out. Times ticking, I’m getting older and nothing is working or changing.

Hello,

Sorry for the long text; if its too long you can just read the last paragraph :)

i feel overwhelmed about my feeling and cant really unterstand my behaviour, i think i lost myself in this weird „relationship“. Please help me to understand. Do you know these patterns?

I‘ve (F30; FA) matched with a man (M42;DA?) on a dating app 1,5 years ago. From the beginning it was different than with other men. There was such a good vibe. Normally i answer just every few days but with him there was no pressure. A few months in I texted a bit less and he too but there always was this connection. But i noticed he always was very flirty (but a bit awkward) and we never had deep talk, he only could talk flirty and sexual. After a few months he wanted too facetime but i don’t like facetime. He asked many times but i only agreed 6 months later. Then he asked for a date where he invited me for a trip and paid everything.

The trip was really weird. He was very distant and cold. We never hold hands or kissed in public, just in the hotel. There was always a distance (physically and emotionally). One time i asked for a bit attention (he was quote surprised). Then he tried to hold my hand but it was really awkward (he held my Hand for 30 minute straight and then suddenly pulled it away and he pretended he would be asleep (like deactivation)). On the way back to the Airport he couldnt even look at me..

After that i felt so bad. I thought i was too ugly, he was ashamed, i tried to change my appearance. We still texted but i was very distant, only answered every 2-4 days, he did too then. I had no confidence at all and was always afraid that he would ghost me. But i refused facetime and sexting and all that. Then he hadnt texted back 10 days and i was in panic. When i texted him he answered normally (as if he was happy). Just weeks later we facetimed again and were flirty. I was a bit happier because i thought he would find me attractive.

But i always stalk his Social Media (even though its private but i had seen a few accounts he follows; this was actually a few weeks after the trip). The Accounts are mainly young and pretty women from different countries and a few pages with Girls in Bikinis (literally girls/teenagers). I felt grossed out but i needed his attention and validation so continued texting. My heart ached when i saw he followed new Accounts or liked pictures. I knew from the beginning a relationship would Not work out (i had Never had one). But i felt he liked everyone more than me. He follows many Accounts of women but not me. We always talk on WhatsApp (as if i was a secret and embarrassing).

1,5 weeks ago we facetimed, after that we havent talked (last time he hasnt texted, i texted 6 days later but he texted back immediately). He has just texted back a Week later and sent a Photo of a City and asked me where he is. Before he answered i was really afraid but somehow when i saw he liked a photo i felt neutral, After that i felt relieved and i wasnt thinking 24/7 about him anymore. I thought it was a deactivation. When he texted on sunday i felt nothing really, just a bit confused. I asked myself if i should just ghost him or answer normally. Because we never talked about emotions, he would be so overwhelmed and i cant talk about emotions, i am so afraid of rejection. But now i just have seen that he was following a new girl from another country (i don’t know if they matched or something Like that) but he liked many pictures of her. And i am emotionally again, i feel worthless and thinks he doesnt care for me at all. He isnt wondering why i don’t answer in 3 days, i don’t know if they are texting. I am quite sure they hadnt met but yes i feel left out.

I think he is a DA (i am FA). So i am bit relieved to know that he will not have a long relationship (i don’t know if he had one yet, the sex was really awkward like mechanically or inexperienced and distant). I think no healthy woman would deal with his behaviour and he cant deep talk. I think he doesnt Even go on Dates because he is insecure but maybe had online things (he mentioned once he had snapchat). But i think this what we had was somehow special, it was quite intense and was for 1,5 years). Healthy people would think thats so weird why would you even do that and i don’t know this either (some kind of limerence i think).

What should i do now? Ghost him? Talk to him? Continue but more like a Virtual friendship (what it actually is..)?

As if I didn’t have am enough anxiety already my Facebook has been constantly full of relationship stuff the last few months and yes I know when you interact with it that tells Facebook you like it. I don’t, not anymore but once the algorithm has changed it’s so hard to get it to go back.

It’s just constant stuff about attachment theory (which is fine, find that’s stuff helpful) but then also reels about narcissists in relationship, how they act etc. All the inspiration quote stuff like “if they wanted to they would” or “you deserve better than this treatment” then not to mention the stuff on people having affairs etc.

It just messages with my head, it puts false narratives about my own relationship in there and makes me over think everything even more. Has any one else been triggered by content like this online? Should I just stay off Facebook? (I do use it for other stuff which is the issue) I just want it to stop messing with my mind, every time I see one of these videos I’m like “what if that’s what’s happening” it ruins any actual opinion I have on what’s happening in my relationship and puts doubt in my mind.

As an anxious-preoccupied (AP) person myself, I’m tired of hearing some APs villainize dismissive avoidants (DAs). First, remember that it’s a relationship—you don’t have to put up with things you don’t like. I know it’s easy to say and can be tough to do because I understand the feelings involved, but instead of burning yourself out, it’s okay to walk away.

Secondly, I feel that many APs lack accountability, which can hold back healing. If you’re not willing to be accountable for your emotions and the role you play in your relationships, it’s harder to identify your own patterns and work toward becoming more secure—or finding a secure partner. My journey of understanding my attachment style began when I admitted that my approach to relationships wasn’t healthy and wasn’t something I wanted to continue. If I’d gone into it believing the other person was the villain and I was just a victim, I wouldn’t have grown or moved forward.

We need to be more honest with ourselves and hold ourselves accountable. If you feel like you’re with someone who isn’t treating you right, it’s okay to walk away. Also, there’s an important difference between someone who simply isn’t interested in you and someone who’s dismissive avoidant. Sometimes people describe their partners’ behavior, and it sounds more like disinterest than DA traits. A dismissive avoidant isn’t someone whose actions show they don’t care, rather someone who may find it difficult to express themselves, BUT their actions still reflect their care.

I’d like to hear everyone’s opinions.

Needing some advice on how to not freak out when my DA partner retreats into themselves, and gets more reserved and quiet, seemingly without cause and out of nowhere. My mind immediately starts to analyze everything I could have possibly done to cause this and I’ve asked him twice now (two days consecutively) if he’s okay because he’s being quieter. Which is probably so annoying. I don’t want to do this anymore and I want him to not feel like he has to ‘perform’ in our relationship for me to feel comfortable and happy. I don’t want him to feel like he has to appease me by keeping up with me emotionally. He’s human and he’s going to have off days, just like me. I just always end up worrying that he’s on his way out. Has anyone here found any healthy ways to cope with the low periods, or the periods when a DA pulls into themselves and seemingly away from you? (For context, I’m FA, leaning anxious in my relationship with said partner…)

I feel like I'm in a catch-22. My attachment is so messed up I can't form a healthy relationship, yet I can't heal it because I have no positive relationship experience to dispute my belief that everyone besides my parents (who I don't have the best relationship/history with, hence attachment style. When I was a child they were wonderful and loving 95% of the time and angry, screaming and scary the other 5%. They are also helicopter parents) will leave me or hurt me after a while. How do I heal my anxious attachment while alone? I have issues in my life like being unable to drive but I can't fix those issues with no support system besides my family, who do not want me to drive, yet I cannot develop a support system without being able to drive. I live in the suburban US where you absolutely must drive to live a normal life. I struggle to even make friends because when people find out they see me as lesser. So I really have no one in my life to have a positive attachment with. I get so anxious around people that I can't stop talking and I can barely sit down. I need to pace around because new people stress me out. I've been told this is exhausting to be around. I can relax after a while but I drive most people away before that can happen.

H

G

More than a month since my FA discarded me, and told me he couldn’t see me as he wanted to get over me. I have never attempted to reach out. I want to but don’t want to to respect his boundaries, and more scared of hurting myself in the process. I must heal first, if I ever attempt to reach out. I was meeting a friend at a cafe close to his place today, I wanted to cancel that plan and move to another place instead, as I was scared to be in the same area again. But I told myself that I couldn’t avoid the city center, just because he chose not to be with me. But my mind and heart had other plans. The moment I got to the stop, my heart and mind started racing. To make situation worse, due to construction the stop has changed and stop was in the same street as his. As soon as I got down, I switched the street walking as fast as I could. Almost crying! When does this get better? How long do I avoid the normal things?

Wondering if any of anxiously attached people (or just genuinely people here) have had this mind set of often feeling like they have to impress their partner. Like dress up and look nice to keep them attracted etc. I’ll often find myself thinking I have to wear make up to like hotter for my fiancee or where clothes like the celebrities he likes. Recently I’ve put on a bit of weight because I’ve been comfort eating a bit. Starting to not like how I look and keep wondering if he still does and that I need to lose weight asap so he won’t lose attraction. Then also if I do want to dress up or try something new I never know if I’m doing it for me or to get attention from him anymore. Anyone experienced this? Any advice on how to overcome this mindset?

Edit: and no he hasn’t said I look bad or fat or anything.

If this a DA thing? I don’t know if it’s not caring or just not knowing what to say or do?

Earlier today I had a bit of an anxiety attack so went and sat near my partner and I just started crying. He was just looking at me and didn’t ask what was wrong but sort of lent his head against mine. I explain what was wrong and he just said “you’re fine” (my arm was hurting strangely and I have health anxiety). He just sort of carried on resting his head against mine and I held his hand because I didn’t know what else to do and felt awkward.

Anyway after like 5 mins of him not really saying anything and staring into the distance I just pulled myself together and made us dessert. Most of the time I’ve been upset during our relationship this has been his reaction. He did offered some sort of advice later when I bought it up but I just feel like I can’t get upset around him. Like there is no point because he doesn’t help and it seems like I’m bothering him so I should just keep it in.

In this thread, please share all that you've been struggling with. Find support and be witnessed in your struggless. You are encouraged to share the good, the bad and the ugly! Nothing is off limits as long as it's contained within our rules.

I was In a push pull cycle with a strong FA (That’s what my research tells me). I didn’t know about attachment styles until quite recently and I guess I FA leaning secure myself now, but in the cycle my anxious side was triggered.

He would vanish for days, and Worst part? In the 12 month cycle, may be we met 12 times. In one point in the cycle he asked for at least 2 weeks no contact, I never Messaged him, and he came back after 10 weeks and explained How he had been feeling like his body was rejecting idea of relationships. In the next months we met a few times, and We maintained minimum contact through text, I thought I used to overwhelm him, so I kept my distance unaware of attachment style. In out last two meetings I told him I didn’t wish to get physically intimate till I found some kind of commitment - I didn’t ask for relationship, but opportunity to date, but I was faced with silence. In my last meeting when we were almost getting intimate again I pulled myself from him telling that the cycle for harmful for us. I didn’t realize that he would internalize it and say that he was hamring me. Which I told was a wrong choice of words as I was an equal part of it. But I also told him that I had started feeling that I was inserting myself in his life, and was scared to lose him.

He then said that he would communicate on call as he could not stop himself when he was physically around me. On the call, he said the same relationship thing away and rejected the concept of dating. I told him if he was ever ready for relationship, I would be open and found him worth the risk, but he told me I would meet someone great. He said that he has been able to talk to me like no one before. But suddenly At one point he mentioned that he felt emotionally not well around me, which broke my heart, especially because ee had shared some emotional and physically intimate moments in the past. And I asked him if I could wish him on his birthday at that time in 15 days, he told me he should not see me as it wont be good for him, and he needs to move on.

It has been over a month. I havent reached out as I want to respect his space. At the same time, I miss him and his beautiful heart. I dont think he will ever reach out, most likely would have deleted my number altogether. I want to heal myself to ensure I dont end up being s burden on him, and if in 6 months, I am in a good place, I do want to reach out. But it freaks me out to imagine he would block me, or ask me to get out og his life. Also, I Wonder if he doesnt reach out by then, he technically wants me out of his life completely.

I know that no two people are same, but if possible, I would really appreciate your perspective here!

Thanks for your time and patience

Really struggling to self soothe leading up to a scheduled discussion with my partner tonight. Looking for any advice on how to approach things.

My partner and I have been fighting and our communication and trust has been getting worse for a long time. Last weekend it reached a crisis point and I've been staying elsewhere all week. The idea of going back to the house make me feel scared but I also hate feeling like I'm running away. I've been doing research and it seems like we are in an avoidant/anxious attachment dynamic that is getting worse. I am the anxious partner and I keep reaching out with connecting behaviors to try and resolve my fear of rejection. She keeps responding with distancing behaviours to protect herself. this has been escalating and we are both doing very badly now.

We agreed over text to talk tonight, she requested a phone call. I asked how she felt about talking in person, and she provided a long list of reason why she was more comfortable with a phone call. I responded that I had wanted to come home, and she reiterated that she wanted a phone call, but also that she didn't want me to feel like I couldn't come home. She didn't express any curiosity about where I was at or why I was asking to approach our conflict resolution the way I was.

I am trying to find the balance of prioritising myself, and looking after my own needs, without being inconsiderate to her, but also not needing a specific response from her to make me feel better. I've been very careful this week to assess internally if I'm taking space for myself or if I'm being punitive (and I do think I am motivated by trying to be kind to both myself and her) but our messages last night have thrown that. I feel like if I stay away it will be a petty and self deprecating response ("fine, if you don't care about my needs I won't either") but if I go home it feels like I would be doing it wanting to get a rise out of her.

I don't even think I care if I end up going back tonight or not, but I want to find a way to feel good about whatever way I end up going.

I feel like it was a loss that was never mine to begin with! I ended up developing feelings and he kept me at an arm’s distance. I did convey I wanted us to be more, and both of us admitted liking each other! He wasn’t even open to dating. All the while, I knew it won’t go anywhere, and after he ended it - I am unable to completely grieve him. My therapist says it is weird that I have no feelings of resentment or anger towards him. Has someone ever been through the same. P.S. It has been a little over a month since it ended

Looking for tips and exercises that help for nervous system regulation. ☺️

Last week was really anxiety inducing and really great at the same time. My BF met my family and I met his. Overall it went good (despite me being a shy person), but this is all new to me and I definitely had my fight or flight going up and down all weekend.

I'm trying to utilize breathing exercises and somatic exercises, but could use more.

TIA!

In this thread, please share all that you've been struggling with. Find support and be witnessed in your struggless. You are encouraged to share the good, the bad and the ugly! Nothing is off limits as long as it's contained within our rules.

I'm 26M and he's 24M. I myself am fearful avoidant (leaning anxious), but I'm quite conscious of my behavioural patterns, and I'm trying to do the best I can to not spill the beans.

We met a month ago through a group of common friends, and at first sight I didn't even realize he was into guys... He knew I was. Some days ago, we went out with our friends to grab some drinks and I directly asked him if he was bisexual -- and he said yes. It was safe to do so because at this point we were already good friends. At this point I was already quite interested in him, and now that I got the confirmation, I felt that I could "enable" myself to grow romantic feelings towards him.

You see, it is quite difficult for me, as a homosexual man, to freely fall in love with another guy, unless I explicitly know he's also into guys. I've been single for over six years now, and I don't desire sex -- I want intimacy. Personally, it's been a tough journey trying to find someone to whom I'm attracted to and who also has enough courage and emotional maturity to go beyond one-night stands and actually risk trying to form a relationship. And... I suppose, I guess, this might be the one.

The second time we went to the bar, I said I was interested in him, I said that I liked him and that I wanted to know him more, but he was just so... Hermetic. I mean, he talks a lot about a variety of subjects, but never about his experiences in life. I said I couldn't quite grasp what he was feeling or thinking deep inside. Well, he said he didn't like to talk a lot about himself because his life was "boring" (which I totally disagree) and that we should go on a date, just the two of us... Next month... Some of our common friends also told me he's known for being this way with them too.

Another time when we went out together (with friends), I briefly tried to explain what an attachment style is and how it is formed. He had some wide eyes when I told him how FAs come to be, and he even told (he was tipsy already) that one thing he didn't learn from his family is... How to show love. Later on, when we were heading home, he asked for my WhatsApp.

We started chatting and (only through text!!!) he said he was also into me and that he also found me interesting -- he said that after I told him all the qualities he has that sparked my interest in him in the first place. He takes a lot of time to answer my messages, but when he does, he's quite lovely.

But I'm totally lost. I'm totally into him and, ideally, right now we would be hugging, kissing, going out, having conversations and sharing stories/knowing each other and establishing that deep, vulnerable connection with each other. But that is not what's happening, and I have some guesses for why that is so, but I'm totally in the dark, without any concrete answers, and it is driving me crazy.

Maybe he really does have difficulties getting in touch with and expressing his emotions, or maybe he's more interested in girls and not really that much into guys, maybe he's fearful that I will break through his barricades and make him vulnerable, or maybe he's just slow and doesn't have much practice with relationships (especially with man), or maybe he's not really interested in me at all.

Really... I don't know what to make out of all of this. This is all new for me, too. Sorry for the lengthy post. I do know this is not the ideal place to bring this situation up, but I didn't know any other place or person I could discuss these matters with, in these terms.

Please help me.

Nothing to add

I know he is a very nice human being, but his attachment style made me think I was too much. Even though he explixitly mentioned ‘you are not too much’. I knew Nothing about attachment style until 3 months before he ended the cycle by removing me from his life. I never dared to talk about it, and the discard took place once I asked him to date me for real. He also said he should not see me as it wont be Good for him, and that he needed to move on from me! I know I should walk away, and I have successfully not reached out to him even once since then. But I cant stop hoping for us to be something down the Line, which I believe is completely out of question.

My FA or DA, I'm not sure, disappeared after a really nice vacation last year during which she talked about our future every day all week.

She came back this summer after 7-8 months and really wanted to connect. Texting all day, asking if I was dating. But she couldn't really speak up about what she wanted and deactivated after two weeks.

I pointed it out and said we could stop communicating if she wanted to, she said no, she actually wanted more communication. But over the next 10 days it didn't get better. After two days of what felt like ghosting I told her kindly that I was done and didn't want to be communicating as we had been.

What does this mean? That she wanted to come back but was too scared to say so? It just wanted to see if I was still waiting? Is there any point in asking if she wants to talk? l'm not interested in blaming her. I would be interested in saying, hey, that took courage to ask if I was dating and I think we both held back, and this is common and we could talk about it.

I recently had some relationship problems and started self-reflecting. I did some research on attachment styles and realized I have a pretty extreme case of anxious attachment, and the person I'm in a relationship with is dismissive-avoidant. At first I thought it was a them problem, that they were unwilling to work with me and didn't care enough about me, but then I realized that they had been communicating their needs and boundaries this entire time and I was the one ignoring them. I convinced them to give me another chance, promising that I would do the work I needed to benefit the relationship along with myself.

Since then, I've come to a lot of epiphanies; my attachment style stems from my fear of death and grief, and I tend to relate losing a relationship to someone passing away. I have a lot of trauma surrounding death and terminal illness, and I didn't realize that it was the same feeling until now. It makes a lot of sense. I'm trying my best to work on it, to give them the space they need and to stop relying on them emotionally by practicing self-soothing. I'm also working on feelings of guilt and shame along with negative self talk and self esteem issues. Basically, it's a lot of work and a constant battle. It's also incredibly lonely.

I've been having a hard time today, and I desperately wanted to reach out to talk to them about it, but I'm really trying not to push my emotions off on them. I'd like to add that I also have bipolar disorder, which I'm constantly trying to control too. I'm so sad and lonely and tired. I know I need to do this for myself, and I'd be determined to do it even without my partner, but I'm just so tired. How do you stave off the loneliness? I'm trying to explore hobbies, but it's hard when you're depressed and don't have the energy for much. I just don't know what to do.

1. I need to explain avoidant attachment to an avoidant person who prefers to learn through video. I am anxious and prefer to read. Can someone suggest resources attuned to her style as I realize my favorites may not be hers?

2. I remember a video that showed a metaphor of an energy field and how an avoidant pulls their energy off the field so the anxious person spreads their marbles on the field. Anyone know this video?

3. Any recs for attachment videos hat deal with lgbtq issues and/or spirituality?

So I have been dating this guy for about a month but we were in a situationship for 2 months prior so have basically been together for 3. He’s really sweet but we have some issues from past traumas, especially me who broke up with my ex of two years 8 months ago and just overall had an extremely abusive upbringing . It’s honestly been super rocky and it’s all my fault. I started crying about my ex in front of him hoping to push him away, get kinda mean, randomly ghost him, and half the time am talking to my friends about him tryna figure out if I even like him, while he is genuinely such a sweet nice genuine person. I know he doesn’t deserve how I’ve been treating him, and that I need more time to heal from my ex alone but every time I push him too far or break it off, I get so anxiously attached it feels like I’m dying. I get severe panic attacks over him being gone and then call him, work it all out, only to be yearning for being alone a week later.

I think this whole thing is because I’m not healed from my severely emotionally and physically abusive relationship, were I had initially been kinda aviodent but mostly healthily attached in the beginning but eventually got stripped down to be so anxiously attached I’d have at least one panic attack a day because my ex would “break up” with me if I did anything “wrong” like telling him I had a bad day and was sad. It ended extremely badly as you can imagine and I am really traumatized from him and am now terrified of relationships because he was my first one.

I really like this new guy, it feels like I struck gold and I genuinely don’t want to ruin it but I just keep pushing and pushing. I know I’m the shitty person in this situation but I really want to try fixing it. Any advice or opinions would be super helpful. Ideally I would like to stay with him but idk if that’s even still possible at this point.

Edit* took a test and turns out I’m just a fearful avoidant so I guess that explains everything. Tips to deal with that would be great😭

In this thread, please share all that you've been struggling with. Find support and be witnessed in your struggless. You are encouraged to share the good, the bad and the ugly! Nothing is off limits as long as it's contained within our rules.

Update:

I am doing this and it is making ALL of the difference with dating. I don't always bring up issues right in the moment, but when I get a bit of time alone to collect my thoughts and decide how I want to bring up my questions and the "stories" in my head, then I'll bring them up.

Every single time has felt insanely vulnerable and scary to do so, but it has ALWAYS been great afterwards, is solving issues, and keeping me from building a castle of reasons to break up.

The reasons why it feels so scary is: I feel silly, I feel like a bother, I feel like I'm making things serious and not light and fun, and I'm afraid to look insecure. But every single time afterwards my bf says things like "This was good. This was a good conversation. Had substance."

Original post:

I am fairly new to healing my attachment style (FA), I'm learning so much and it's been very helpful and eye opening. I didn't realize how much I avoid until I learned the signs of that: shutting down, not sharing or being vulnerable, looking for signs and reasons to break up to "protect" myself, etc. The list goes on.

I've come to understand that my mind is extremely hypervigilant, looking for signs constantly that my boyfriend thinks I'm boring, no longer likes me, doesn't actually care about me, on and on. I'm noticing that the smallest thing can make me spiral down a hole of negative thinking, to the point of my brain telling me things like "break up now", "you can't do this anymore", and "run away!"

I dated this guy for 5 months. During that time I never could fully open up and be completely vulnerable and real. I broke up with him as I do with all guys, and did lots of reading about attachment over the next 4 months.

He showed up at my door one day and we talked over everything. After being single for a time I felt more regulated as a FA does, so I decided I would give it another go.

It is better this time around with the knowledge I've accumulated over the past months, but I still find myself spiraling and getting overly activated, becoming insecure and withdrawn over the smallest triggers. I realize I'm making up huge assumptions and stories in my mind about tiny minor things - it could even be a facial expression like he's looking too stoic, or he waited too long to respond or he sounded bored.

I'm practicing receiving love in all the ways he shows it, I have a track record of being bad at receiving love. And possibly giving it, too. Now that I'm sort of keeping a running list in my head, I know he cares. He communicates every day, he calls me, he plans great dates, he remembers things I want to do and makes them happen, he helps me physically and fixes things for me, he pays when we eat out, it goes on. He even read a book twice I said he should read, during the time after I had broken up with him.

Sorry, I'm taking so long to get to the point!

I asked him if I could ask him questions to see if the stories in my head are true or not, and he said yes, he's fine with me asking questions. The questions would be like this "My mind is making up a story that you don't care about what I have to say and you think I'm boring. Is that true?"

I feel like all of the dating advice goes against this because it makes me sound insecure and possibly annoying, but I really don't want to go down those spirals any more. I don't want to keep negative stories alive that grow and grow, resulting in me shutting down, getting cold and closed off.

Any advice here? Is this a good or bad idea?

I already asked him if he'd rather not deal with me, maybe I should work on myself without dating, and he said he has no issues with it and would rather someone that is working on themselves.

Hello everyone. I (F22) have a girlfriend (F22). I really love her. And I am willing to do everything to make her feel love.

I am aware that we are polar opposite. I am aware that I have anxious attachment. And I am doing everything not to trigger her because the way she acts, I think she has dismissive attachment style.

I know others will tell me to run, to leave her alone. But I don't want to. I know she loves me, in her own way. I may not feel her love the way I wanted. But I know that she loves me on her own way.

I always do some research to know how to love her. How to show love the way she wants.

Here's my question. Isn't it rude if I ask her if what is her attachment style so that on my end, I exactly know how I will love her based on what she is? (By the way, she is a Psychology student, so she is aware what Attachment style is). I don't want to assume based on what I am seeing. But I don't know also if it is proper to ask her that question, and I don't know how to ask her properly.

Thank you for helping me.