I know there is no perfect comparison but lets hear some analogies to possibly get the point across to a partner that doesn't really value intimacy in a relationship.

In arguments with my ex girlfriend I would use "quality time" as an example because that was her love language.

"how would you feel if almost every time you wanted to spend time together I rejected you"

"how would you feel if for weeks at a time or even a month+ I made excuses to not spend time with you how long would that last before you broke up with me?"

Has anybody had success with their long term partner (SO/spouse) to be. More attracted to you?

For a few months I've stopped touching, hugging, grabbing her etc. Commenting on how beautiful she looks etc.

She no longer likes being close to me, (been this way for a long time)

I thought reducing physical contact with her would work, but I think she enjoys it, it doesn't really phase her.

Has anybody else had an success?

What I am trying is just focusing on myself, and improving my looks. (Working out etc) I'm hoping she notices this and eventually starts wondering/becomes aware that I'm moving ahead and this train won't wait for her.

Bending over to pick something up gets me every damn time no matter the view..

Somewhere on reddit I read a post that involved a guy with a refractory period of three or four days -- he wasn't interested in, or capable of, sex until at least that much time had passed. From other comments, it's not unusual. But it's made me wonder about something.

I've always had a ridiculously high libido, and stamina to match. I don't even want to think about how often it was when I was a teenager, but even now, in my mid-fifties, I'm good to go five or six times a day if I really want.

Thinking about it made me curious: Is there a connection? Does one of these factors influence the other in some way, or are they both signs of something? This seemed the best place to ask other high-libido men (or women) if they've seen any correlation.

So, in the interest of idle curiosity science, what's your experience?

Theoretical, but an important question in my case. If everything else in the marriage was fixed / going well but penis in vagina sex was never going to be an option would you still stay? Would you stay if that included other acts like HJs or BJs, etc.?

This might seem like a low effort post, but it’s something I’m grappling with.

Do you think if you got the amount of intimacy you wanted from your partner that your libido would increase, stay the same, or decrease? Sometimes I wonder if I was having as much sex as I wanted I would eventually want it less because I was “finally having it”. That being said: would that also maybe explain why some in relationships start out having “lots of sex”, and it then decreases because the needs have been met/ could be met/ sex is always available IF they wanted?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

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TLDR; HL is just one end of the spectrum that is not right or wrong. Don’t tolerate shame, neglect or abuse while working towards living authentically. Sexuality is a part of the human condition and it’s normal to be a sexual being.

I wanted to identify some universal truths that might help to solidify a more healthy outlook on high libido. Just some musings. Feel free to adjust to your liking:

1. Human desires are varied and natural: Everyone’s libido varies due to factors like genetics, environment, and personal experiences. A high libido is one end of a natural spectrum and is no more “right” or “wrong” than any other.
2. A healthy libido contributes to well-being: Desire is a fundamental part of many people’s sense of vitality and connection. It can support emotional health, release tension, and even deepen relationships.
3. Self-worth is not dictated by external validation: One’s value and desirability are not defined solely by how others respond. Self-worth is inherent and should be nourished independently of others’ responses.
4. Expressing and embracing desires builds authenticity: Openly acknowledging one’s libido is a step toward living authentically. Suppressing it to conform to others’ expectations can lead to frustration and lower self-esteem.
5. Healthy relationships involve communication and acceptance: Openly discussing differing libidos and finding compromise is part of a balanced relationship. Each partner’s needs, including the need to feel desired, are valid and worthy of mutual respect.
6. Desire is a source of creativity and energy: Libido can fuel creative expression and drive. When harnessed positively, it can add vibrancy and motivation to life in ways beyond physical intimacy.
7. Honoring personal needs is a form of self-respect: Recognizing and validating your own needs—including those related to libido—is a way of respecting and caring for yourself.
8. Sexuality is an essential part of human identity: Embracing one’s libido contributes to a fuller understanding of oneself. It’s a meaningful part of identity, and acknowledging it can deepen self-awareness and self-acceptance.
9. Communication about intimacy strengthens relationships: Healthy partnerships often grow from open discussions about intimacy, which build understanding, closeness, and trust. Sharing your desires and needs fosters intimacy beyond physical connection.
10. Desire is fluid and dynamic in relationships: Relationships evolve, and so do levels of desire. Fluctuations are normal, and having a healthy libido is just one part of that dynamic. It’s natural to seek balance, and adjusting together can bring growth in a relationship.

Hello, I [M37 HL] am married to [33F LL] and we have one child together. I have had a terrible past two weeks. I've been busting my ass at work and putting in a some overtime.last night I missed my son trick or treating because I went to the ER due to a health issue. I've been really upset that my wife wants nothing to do with me sexually most of the time. It's almost like because we have had sex 2 times in October she met her obligations. No HJ, no BJ, always something like she is tired or don't feel good. She doesn't need the sexual attention like I do. She knows she is wanted and that I desire her. I want to be wanted, I want to have my confidence boosted by complemts and touching. I feel upset with myself for having these wants. We have been married 14 years and together for 19. She is the only person I have had sex with and I'm getting to a point where I'm curious about what it would be like with someone else. The lack of attention only fuels these feelings. We have a otherwise great relationship, but this trend of limited intimacy has me feeling lonely.

…. And at a certain subreddit

Companionship is great but……… I consider a relationship without sex……... less than worth it. I don’t want to make him feel bad or hurt his sobriety but…….. idk if I can do this a whole year.

I'm a 31F.

In my broad experience - Men seem to be all "Talk" and very little "Do" when it comes to fucking. I'm a woman with an above average libido. It's pretty high, actually. I'm not hyper sexual. It's in the way that, I can control myself, and I keep deep it dormant, but when I do have someone that I'm dating or an FWB, I want to fuck atleast a few times a week. Honestly, if I did find a decent man as a partner, we'd bang a lot .

Now the issue is, not one not two not three, but quite a few men I've had sex with - and they're all quite athletic , that's what I definitely look for in a sexual relationship with someone, it's important - and they all can't seem to perform very well more than once a week !

Clarification - This once a week sex is a few hours of sex and really great sex ! Anywhere between 2-4 hours. I'm not asking for a marathon each time. But even if I'm open to a short quick power bang, they can't do a great job with that too. They seem sapped.

Either they will find some excuse to make sure there's a 7-10 day gap between dick Appointments or if there isn't, say we've had sex 2-3 times this week, there's an evident decline in their performance. I've been told things on the lines of - "I really enjoy sex with you and want to do more, but you really drain me out, it's nothing like I've experienced with anyone else I've had sex , so it does take me longer to feel like I can do it again with the same energy and enthusiasm." And these are men who workout 3-6 times a week.

Men across the spectrum, on apps, on these subs, on the internet in general, EVERYWHERE - Are just "Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex ". But when it comes to actually getting down to it , it's like - Scuse me miss, I'm just a mere man .

Oh and of Different ages btw. I used to hook up with older men (late 30s early 40s) because they were better lovers, but then they do get tired sooner and have longer breaks between rounds of se, which can get boring fast. So I then moved to guys my age ( Late 20s to early 30s) - Same problem. They can have sex for longer periods and Multiple rounds etc , but they also seem to need a week or so to be able to get it together again. I know for a fact that it's not like they're hooking up with someone else in between. I am a fantastic and sensual lover and physically attractive too. My sexual prowess is unquestionable here - This is not only my belief but also feedback from every single person I've been involved with . Things only end with someone when I break it off , for a variety of reasons .

I'm a proactive participant when it comes to the whole process. I love sex, good sex, especially when the partner is a giver and enthusiastic and makes the whole experience super fun and pleasurable . Just to be clear - I've hooked up a bit when I was younger but I prefer FWB or casual and sexually monogamous dating, I'm not someone looking to add another name to some list, like men do. I'm STD Free and I do everything to stay that way , so the quantity and especially quality of men I have sex with is very important to me.

Does this make sense to anyone? Does this happen to anyone else ? What should I do ? Sex is important to me, if most guys can give their best like once a week, what's the point of anything? And when you have standards, not like it's easy to even get laid . It's actually quite a tedious task. I don't want to have multiple partners. It raises the risk of cervical cancer and STDs. But what am I to do ? When "The Beast" is caged up and sedated, it's dormant. If it's let out, it needs to be fed. I end up repressing my libido so much. Ugh. Thanks for reading/listening. Appreciate you all. Looking forward to hearing from you x

I'd like to Add - High Libido in men doesn't necessarily translate into great performance in bed. A man can claim to have "High Libido" , and still be a two pump chump.

Over the years our sex life really has slowed. Lucky now if it's once a month, and being mid 30's, it's just not right. Constant feel of rejection is getting to me. I'm being made to feel bad for asking to have sex and when the no comes, I'm in the wrong for making a big deal of it. All you want me for is sex, is a frequent phrase, if that were the case wouldn't we be having sex more often? When sex does happen, it's always initiated by me and I'll always do the work and get next to no response. It's any sort of intimate act my wife avoids, doesn't want to touch my d**k and doesn't want oral sex as 'it's disgusting', wasn't that when we first met dear! I try massage and cooking nice meals to get her in the mood and show her how much I love her but all I get is 'im tired'.
I just feel I've gotten to a point I needed to get this off my chest as it's built up for so long.

Just had the random thought today of all the people I imagine being with through out my day and figured I can’t be the only one. So for those who need to hear this someone wants to fuck you… You might not want to fuck them but hey 🤷🏻‍♂️ still a win in my book.

Love my wife more than anything. Want intimacy and physical desire sent my direction so much. Just doesn’t happen. Wish I could just ignore my emotions.

I told her that I felt like I should get an award for being the one to hand her the tissue box. So how did I make her cry?

I told her about my plan to stifle my sexual self.

It's actually a pretty simple concept... I (39M) read "Come as You Are" by Emily Nagoski as a way of trying to improve my sex life with my LL wife (35F). After it backfired in my face (somehow it upset her...) I decided to start using what I learned as a way to combat my own urges.

Context is key? No more context - I no longer watch porn and I will straight up leave the room like your protestant grandpa if a sex scene comes on during a show. I'm taking my foot off of my sexual gas pedal - No more masturbation and no more exercise; They both spark my libido too much. I'm even practicing mindful exercises where I pop my wrist with a rubber band every time I think about sex. The idea is to break myself of the obsession.

Here in my explanation is where I realized she was quietly crying. She told me that it was just so sad to hear me trying to kill this part of me that has been such a big role in my life. She said she couldn't condone what I'm doing, even though it's working surprisingly well. I told her that I wasn't asking for her approval. I can't live like this; Something has to change and the only thing I have control over is myself.

I'm just so tired of suffering.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to chime in, but I'm mostly just befuddled by bringing a trained professional to tears and wanted to share it with someone.

I have often wondered if our LL partners, in constantly rejecting us, are actually trying to push us into initiating a divorce or separation. This is something I found to be true with my ex wife. Instead of just admitting that she was part of the problem and doing the work to either fix or not fix it, she just strung me along to see if I would finally get fed up enough to finally make the first move in nuking the marriage. That way, she got to not look like the bad guy and it would look like it was all my fault. That seems to be a thing with a lot (not all) of them. Accepting responsibility.

Sadly, in my ex's case, that backfired on her, as she was actually cheating. But it does make me wonder. Thoughts?

I've seen it mentioned in here a number of times, as well as other places.

I will never understand physical cheating on the part of the LL in a relationship. Every time I see.it, I'm baffled. You couldn't be bothered to consider sex within the bounds your relationship where you had a comparatively endless font of it. It bothered you to talk about it, and you turned it down with consistent frequency... and then you sought it out elsewhere.

I just don't get it.

This line of thought was sparked by a post in here that mentioned getting into a new relationship where there was finally enough sex, and that previous partner(s) had cheated.

I am feeling very lonely tonight. Masturbation and porn doesn’t do anything so I didn’t even bother. I just want some cuddles and kisses if not for the entire thing. I am kinda annoyed with myself and with my d*ck too for being this way.

Sorry had to vent. It’s hard to fall asleep when you’re feeling so empty inside. Night y’all

It kills me that we not on same page but when we get intimate it's always hot 🔥 Just not having it as much as I would want to or as much as I've had it in my previous relationships. 😒

I (hlf) have always had a high libido but I have now reached my mid-thirties and I was not prepared for my “sexual peak” and neither was my normal libido husband. I know a lot of people here are dealing with dead or dying bedrooms and we certainly were a year ago. However, after a lot of work we’re up to multiple times a week (thankfully).

Unfortunately it’s just… not enough. It’s like my hormones are in overdrive and over the last 6 months I’ve become insatiable. It’s not even a mental craving but I’m physically aroused constantly, especially near ovulation. The sex is great, I have rolling orgasms, and I’ve never been more confident in my abilities. But I’m just never done. If I didn’t have other responsibilities or the ability to chafe, I would be content to just fuck indefinitely. Meanwhile my husband has the lowest libido he’s ever had (he’s going to get his testosterone checked). He’s trying really hard to keep up but I know he’s feeling like nothing he does is enough.

Now he’s starting to feel insecure, like I’m not being fully satisfied. But it’s just very good so I want more of it. I know I sound selfish and I should just be happy for what I get, but I can’t be the only person dealing with this, right? What do we do when high libido gets REALLY high?

I don’t want to take medication. I honestly don’t even want to lower my libido. I love sex and this revitalization has made our escapades much more enjoyable for us both when they happen. Sex has never felt so good. But I’m finding myself constantly frustrated that we’re not having it more and my husband is getting frustrated with my constant advances because he feels bad for telling me no. I know I should just suck it up and find a hobby, but it’s hard when it feels like my vagina is screaming at me all day long.

I know everyone has different hormone cycles and one persons mid thirties hormones are not the same as another’s, but someone phrase tell me there some level of “normal” to this.

Specifically, a question for the ladies here who are on antidepressants and have noticed a decrease in libido -- how long would you say it took for that to happen?

Ive been reading through some of the DB subs and have also posted in a few, so thought I’d try here to get some advice for a close friend.

She’s in her late 30s, HLF, and she’s been with her LL husband for over 10 years. She recently opened up to me about how their dead bedroom and the constant rejection is killing her self-esteem. She’s starting to feel like she’s not attractive or desirable anymore, and it’s really messing with her confidence and I’m noticing a real shift in her energy lately.

For those of you out there who have found ways to deal with this — how do you hold onto any sense of sexual identity when your partner just isn’t into it?

I’d love to share any advice or experiences you’ve got with her. She’s feeling super alone in this, and I know she’s not the only one dealing with it.

Thanks to anyone who replies.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9Rm9uEcnwY

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Drop a 🔔 below to ring the gong.

Prior to 8:30PM last night, I had several things I wanted to type here. A vent about asexuality, a thank you letter to my HL ex girlfriend and a list of things I have been wanting to say out loud over the past month.

1.5 months ago, my wife said we should try to schedule sex on Thursdays or Sundays. We proceeded to not have sex on either of those days or any other time. There was always something preventing it.

"I have an appointment that day."

"It's my period."

"I'm out of birth control."

"My x hurts."

Etcetera. Well yesterday, none of that applied. We had the whole day to enjoy at home, fully stocked with BC and condoms. We got naked and jumped into bed, but we did nothing. She just wasn't in the mood. I tried every trick in the book to excite her, but nothing worked.

In that moment, it truly felt like this woman was no longer my wife... Merely a roommate that shares my bed. I was quite convinced that the two of us would never have sex again for as long as I live. This sentiment was not aided by the fact that she proceeded to research libido and came to the conclusion that she is a grey ace asexual.

I was in a funk for the rest of the day and night. Just about an hour before bedtime, my wife told me that she truly loves me even if she is a grey ace. I shook my stomach and said:

"Even though I have a nasty, fat gut?"

She proceed to hug, rub, kiss and otherwise lavish praise upon my abdomen. It felt good, despite everything.

Apparently, this got her motor running as she asked me to close the door, get naked and put on a condom. She climbed onto me and rode me until we both saw God before rolling over and asking for my lingual sorcery.

I no longer believe there is any knowable logic or reason to our love life. Truly, it is a mystery for the ages. IDK what else to say.

For some reason I randomly thought of a fairly forgettable Chris Rock comedy called "I Think I Love My Wife." His character is a successful family man, only his romantic life is suffering. There's a scene where a friend suggests he takes Viagra for a date night with his wife. He does the date night, the wife goes to bed, he's all ready with the Viagra, and she's asleep.

I was trying to think of any other scenes in other movies/shows that portray this issue, and thought it could be a topic for the sub.

I've seen some videos from the Happy Wife School YouTube channel. The videos resonate with me even though I've never had a prolonged DB. Are there any former LL wives that can corroberate what the channel says? The main thing it says is that wives loose interest in sex because they are unhappy and they are the cause of their unhappiness.

I don't know why I'm crying while writing this. I've been through rejection a million times before, I honestly thought I got used to it. So how on earth I'm still shocked and sad. My husband (36) got a job in another city. We get to see each other once every two weeks or so. I'm ( 33) spending my one week vacation with him. Ever since I got here I was cleaning his entire place which was like shit. Then I started cooking his favourite stuff. And before he comes home I rush to change and put on some make up because I want him to come to a beautiful wife. I do my best so that everything is perfect before he gets home and I'm happy with it. Lately I have been influenced by social media to have a romantic date night at home so I did my best to put our son in bed as early as possible. And got everything ready ( the plan was to belly dance for him because it has a sexy and sensual aspect to it.and because of our Arabic origins. I now feel like an idiot) I dimmed the lights, turned the music on and put his favourite dessert that I made earlier on the table when I wanted to start he said he was too exhausted. My eyes got filled with tears immediately and I hugged him so that he doesn't see me crying. He knew I was hurt so he asked me not to be too sensitive about it. Then he went to bed. And I'm sitting in the living room and I just can't stop crying.

Have sex, wait two three days have sex wait two three days… I just need more than that and I hate masturbating in between… my wife is already very limited about what she’s into, I know I’m not rejected but it feels that way. She’s never given me a hj or bj to completion and I so wish she could do it for me. Anything. I feel my body getting tense and I try to not get snappy with people around me. This is the pattern that keeps happening. Sex 2-3 times a week. I know this is ‘normal’, I don’t care I need to vent I hope everyone here can please be understanding. Every time I’m in this mindset with blue balls I wonder why I married this woman, she’s great at like everything else. And just because I didn’t prioritize sex when I met her I’m now stuck with this incompatibility and it makes me so angry with myself. I’m also fucked because we had kids and I tossed my career to be a stay at home dad. I feel so imprisoned.

Thanks for reading. Sorry for the rant. I just need to vent.

Edited to add, because I guess I wasn't very clear, but when I said "gaming is apparently the majority of our evenings" i didn't mean that was ALL we/he did ever, hes not a screen addict and his physical fitness is fine. He'd rather do ANY activity than sex, it's just gaming is one of the only "after dark" things. He was the same way at 18 when he was in the military doing PT every morning and hitting the gym for fun....

....

That's the post really. LLM husband had to go out of town again and left late at night. It was the typical send off. I pack him some sandwiches, we hug, say bye and he leaves. He DOES ask me if I want to play a game together cause gaming is apparently the majority of our evenings. And when he gets home he will be happy to see me. He'll hug me and say I missed you let's hang out. Cause that's what we do. Hang out.

I actually slipped up and made a joke the other day. He said I won't see you for a bit want to do something with me?" I said "yeah but it's usually off the table"... Because in any healthy relationship that question would clearly imply physical intimacy but not for us. No he means a game or movie or something. But he laughed and gave me the "oh you silly jokester" look before clarifying he meant something of the non intimate variety. Yeah.... I know.

Reminded me why I don't make those kinds of jokes. I wanted to just go to bed and cry. Most other women if their husband put the kids to bed early, poured them a glass of wine and told them to change into something comfortable theyd know where the night was going. So do I. It's just definitely not sex. Cause we already had the once a week self scheduled "well let's get this done" session and absolutely NOTHING moves that frequency needle.

I mean I'm glad we're friends and all. But DAMN dude could I just once in a while get some PASSION? Could "hey kids are in bed and I have to leave tomorrow wanna do something together?" NOT mean gaming? For once could he just drag me off to the bedroom for a proper goodbye? Could I once get a road text from him promising wicked unspeakable things and actually follow through? Could he one time come home kicking the door in to grab me, send the kids to their rooms with their tablets and throw me on the bed because he missed me so much he's got to have me right this second?

No?

Cool...

Honestly if he did at this point it would just feel forced and faked and I'd probably ask him what the hell he was smoking... 😞😞

I fucking hate this.