PLEASE COMMENT

I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years and had an intrusive thought.

Before I got with my current lovely lady I was seeing another girl, we were casual, as soon as I met my current girlfriend I ended things as I’m not the type to juggle 2 women at a time.

Me and my current gf got together very quickly around 2 months of seeing each other. Once we became official I was hesitant to put it anywhere as I was worried I’d hurt the other girls feelings as I moved on relatively fast and she was still in my friendship group.

So I waited and the next time I saw her I told her I’d been seeing someone and things were going really well. However I did not explicitly say I was in a relationship.

Is what I did wrong? Should I tell my girlfriend I did this, I kind of thought saying that implied we were together however I am now having second thoughts?

A girl I rarely meet but is part of out friendcircle and I had a thing for 1,5 months. A bit intense we saw each other about 3 times a week etc. I honestly saw myself catching feelings. Well she ended things because she said her new work takes away to much time as long as shes still in the probation period and we wouldnt be able to see each other proberly.

We didnt have much contact afterwards but I must confess that I had a bit of hope after her 6 month probabtion period.

Now its been 3 months and its the first time shes gonna join us on an event again. Now she texts me if its allright if she can bring her new one along she meet on work or if I will feel uncomfortable.

I do feel a bit dissapointed, she was the first girl I had something with after 2 years of healing from another rl. This is a bit sudden and idk what I should answer her. It will feel a bit weird to me if she flirts along with a new guy but on the otherhand its my fault for beeing still so attached to her for a one month thing 3-4 months ago. And saying no will proof that I am not over her completly.

What would be the mature/logical thing to do?

Stream of consciousness:

I'm just tired.

I've only ever felt like my worth is based on what I can do, what I provide, or what I accomplish.

Most all of my relationships feel transactional. I'm loved based on what I can provide.

I grind myself to death for folks who only take.

I'm happiest alone and isolated where I can recharge.

Life made me cynical but I still care about people. I still try to do right by folks knowing full well they won't likely reciprocate unless it is out of obligation.

Every day I fight for my goals for a future.

I'm "sucessful".

Im happiest in my personal triumphs.

I seek victory and sucess for me. To prove I can.

Folk will fail you. I won't fail myself.

People generally don't give a fuck about me.

Fuck.

Keep going... I just keep going.

I was looking forward to this weekend for months now. Yesterday was a public holiday for me and so i took this friday off to visit my sister who lives about a 5 hour drive from where i live. I originally wanted to visit her at the beginning of the month but got sick and so we both cancelled plans for this weekend to finally see each other after almost a year.

My GF is currently sick and i was really worried i couldn't go but over the last couple of days it got better so this morning I packed my car and drove off. 3 hours in and I took a break when I got a call from my GF. Her temperature was climbing again, one of our cats had gotten diarrhea and smeared some on the floor and she couldn't handle it alone in her state.

So I called ny sister and broke the news and she was, as always, supportive and told me to drive back and we'll find another weekend where i could come visit. After I hung up everything came down on me and I just sat there for 15 minutes crying.

Drove back, took care of my GF, cleaned the mess our cat made, cooked a chicken based light diet for our cats, forced myself to eat something and now it's 3 in the morning and I will now try to get some sleep..

Just needed to get this off my chest because my GF already feels bad for calling me back and i don't want to burden her with the knowlegde that the driver seat of our car now has some of my tears in it. Thanks. Good night and take care all :)

Hey guys I really don't know who to go to with this so here. I have all the things a guy my age should have to be considered successful and happy. I have a girlfriend who I love, some of the best grades at the uni, an amazing group of people im lucky to call friends, conventional good looks, i really do have many things alot of guys wish for. But all that just makes me feel awful, because i feel like i dont deserve any of it. I have issues with my relationship that I never talk about, because i feel like i could never be worthy of such a nice girl. I have issues with my grades because I know they could be better. I have issues with friends because theyre genuinely the best people and I feel like they may not want me around when I am. I have issues with my body image because I hate how i look regardless of what people tell me.

My evenings now just consist of me finding a quiet place and sobbing until my eyes feel as though they may never cry again. I can't keep doing this please just tell me what I need or leave a kind message I need some light.

I never thought that I would make my feeling and struggle here on Reddit but fuck it maybe It will be the last thing I post on this earth after I end it once and for all

So I am 32M I wasted 12 years of my life doing nothing no career no girlfriend and only playing video games every time I try to make a change I get back to my lazy ass and after that, I start hating myself more and more and without mentioning I watch porn every day and masturbate to relieve myself from my sexual urges.

the only thing that will relieve my parents from me is to end it once and for all I hope they will forget about me sooner rather than later and live a better life than when I was alive.

sorry if I give any of you a bad mood or negativity sorry just sorry and farewell.

Two years ago my wife decided she would be happier single and divorced me. Our daughter lives with her because I'm just fucking depressed and not sleeping at night. I felt forced to quit my first ever "big boy job" of five years because it was too much of a physical/emotional strain and frequently filled me with dread. Overeating junk food has caused me to gain weight. I'm addicted to sugar and need insane amounts of caffeine just to function. I have low self esteem. I just feel like a goddamn mess and I can't stop beating myself up over the divorce.

Right now I'm looking for a new job and trying to lose weight by exercising and cutting out excess sugar. I feel obligated to at least TRY to fix my life for my daughter, even if I have no hope for myself. I fear that I will never be happy. I am prepared to be alone for the rest of my life because I am mentally sick and don't want to bring people down with me. I'm taking meds but they only work somewhat.

I'm 30 years old. I've lived a blessed and fortunate life but goddamn I am struggling and I am tired. I wish I had a normal brain and that I could be an adult without fucking hating it

I'm just trying to get some advice and bit of guidance so I know where to go in life. I seem to be wasting a lot of time overthinking and waiting for something which I don't know why. I have this false sinero that I'm living as if someone will save me or someone will tell me what to do then from there I'll just take those steps until I reach success. This has lead to avoidance on my personal growth. I'm not taking actions and I seem to living in the past. Time is ticking. World is evolving. People around me are getting day by day smarter strong and capable meanwhile I'm living in a very poor mindset. I seriously just want to fix my life. I have too many things that I need to fix and I just hate how I'm easily accepting failure and defeat. I have no idea how do I become emotional mentally strong and resilient. What can I do to get in shape maybe that too will boost my confidence.

I'm not sure how much I can do this anymore. My girlfriend of 8 months finally broke up w me after weeks of arguing, and I got hit by a car today (just got back from a&e). I really want to be w my girlfriend but she just keeps pushing me away saying how we'll never be together again. She meant a lot to me and my life is really meaningless without her. Today I got clipped by a car going 50 mph while I was walking and I barely survived. Somebody must have been watching me because I only got a couple grazes and bruises despite the car going so fast. After I got hit by the car my whole view on life changed bc I knew at that moment I could have died. And maybe the worst part is I wasn't scared when I got hit by the car. Nothing holds meaning to me anymore and I just don't know how much longer I can pretend I'm fine when I'm really not. I have a therapist/psychologist and he knows about everything and even though he helps a lot I feel so helpless and lost.

As the title says I want to cry, I've had to say at my father's house for a little longer and being a twenty year old still living with his dad isn't exactly something he's proud of, I get shit for it almost every time he sees me, on top of that my family is almost entirely homophobic so I've had to hide that part of myself for so long, it's truly something awful to have to laugh at or ridicule the groups I'm part of in order to not end up on the street. To be honest this wasn't even the part that killed me today because all of that is old, it's been the norm and I've treated it as an "it is what it is" of course then comes along the fact I was recently lead on by the guy I like and today he told me he can't and probably won't want anything like that from me ever. I've avoided sad movies all my life, ignored sad songs since I was 12 and have a streak of almost 11 months, but I think I'm going to break it soon. My question is when? Do I go for a late night walk to the park? Do I stay at home tomorrow and wait for every one to leave? Right now my father, brother and his girlfriend are all home and it'd be a whole storm if I broke the streak now so when? When do I do it?

A Youtuber by the name Douglas Bloch passed away Saturday 10/26 at the age of 76.

For those who are unfamiliar with him, he was an author, a mental health educator and made mental health videos on YouTube.

Some of his works include "Healing From Depression" and "When Going Through Hell, Don't Stop". I've been subscribed to him for many years and he's helped me along my journey and I'm devastated to hear of his passing.

I just need to get this out and I feel like this is a good place because Douglas was the embodiment of positive masculinity. He was authentic, compassionate, empathetic, full of wisdom and made everyone feel seen, heard, valued and loved. It is because of him, I believe my purpose is to find joy and bring joy to others.

According to the rules, I can't post links, but if you go on YouTube, just type his name if you want or need resources for healing from depression and anxiety.

Alright. This is not a big deal. It’s hardly worth your time. You’re better off looking and helping other people that need it. I’m just venting because I had a large disruption in my life and it did not go the way I expected. So… here we go.

For most of high school, I was an absolutely hopeless romantic who would get to know someone and then move way too fast, and just try again. It made me some good friends, but even then, most of the time I felt like I was really shallow in my efforts, and of course I realize now that I was missing the entire fucking point. I was lovesick. My friends were nerds, they sympathized. My senior year was by far the absolute best year of my life. I got into my dream college, finally went to world championships after seven years of competing with the best robotics team a TC could ask for, I graduated and got my degree, and hell, I was even making new friends with incoming freshmen. In May, life was as good as it could get. May 12th. My best friend isolates from me. She says that she wants to have a new life in college, and she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. No reason given, and ghosts me. Despite attending the exact same college. Devastated, I latched onto my new friend who lived in another state, as I was panicking, wrought with unjustified guilt and sadness. I totally leaned on her and we grew very close because of it. We start a very weird but intense long distance relationship. I learn very very quickly that she’s had a fucked up life. And her boyfriend is a completely bipolar asshat. So my summer was spent on FT with her, living my best life, and my dream of finally being in love. It also was wrought with fear and panic, as her bad days got worse, she talked about offing herself, kept letting her past eat her up and bring her down. I was eager and happy to lift her up any way I could. But seeing her in those moments, crying, feeling so damn depressed, it got to me. A lot. I tried to get her help but she refused. So I kept on. On her bad days, I did everything I possibly could to help her. Just to get her through to the next day. Convince her to sleep, to eat, to not give up on college, despite her having no aspirations for life. It was exhausting. But it was worth it. Because with every time that she climbed out of her pit, and she said thank you to me, I cried tears of joy. And she would then proceed with consoling me. And we would be better for it. But I saw a very dark side of humanity through her eyes. Ignorant and selfish people who would take advantage of others without a second thought. Safe to say I have a list of people I would personally give a vasectomy to if given nothing to lose and being in close proximity to. It felt like the start of the school year was a time bomb. She swore to me on the first night, and we moved in on different days because fuck luck, she would die within a month. That night I didn’t sleep. She was so homesick, and she was right here, but I couldn’t do anything. But, as I moved in, we got orientated, she settled in shockingly easily. But it was like getting to know her all over again. My advances were blocked, she didn’t trust me, and always thought I had an ulterior motive. She even briefly thought I was cheating. (Ironic, considering she was still with her dick boyfriend at this point). I was lost. I felt like every move I made drove us apart. Stressed out between her and classes, I tried to break it off. One argument was too much and I started to block her everywhere. But, I came back and we sat down physically and talked it out. It made sense why she had trust issues. She wanted to be better. So, I caved. What really broke me is that she was finally going to therapy. Even giving her a way out, she clung to me, and I realized that, despite how broken she might be, she cared for me too. I had the best weekend of my life. But, after that, she avoided me for two weeks. And then finally, It was over. We were intimate. Something about that felt off to her. So she opened a door, and started to change over the next two weeks. I finally caught her and tried to get her to talk, because I was worried. I was right. She had broken off all of her ties with her boyfriend and other less than awesome people she knew. And to that end, she didn’t feel anything romantic for me anymore. It was the worst day of my life. I had never cried so damn much. What made it worse is that she said that I made her happy. I don’t know what it was about that… but it was all I wanted. Even thinking about that makes me cry a little. I don’t think I’ll ever know why. I still love her. We are still good friends. She still helps me through my bad days and I through hers as well both kinda cope with this. It’s nice, and I have made a lifelong friend. But whenever I see her, my heart goes nuts. I usually end up in a sad mood afterwards. Now, two months later, it feels like I’m living after the end of my life. The best things that could have ever happened to me have happened. My friends, despite still being nearby, don’t really talk to me anymore. I struggle making new connections now, and I prefer to be alone. I’m sleeping in a dorm, and I miss home. But whenever I am home, it’s… not home. There’s something wrong. I’m more alone than I have ever been in my entire life. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Because everyone I know leaves. My family is caring and great and kind, but if they knew what I was really going through, they’d pull me out immediately. I can’t do that. I’ve worked to hard to be here and pursue a lifelong dream. But, I feel defeated. Homework takes more out of me than it ever has. I don’t really eat, but I don’t feel hungry. The drive I had going in, is gone. I find myself going on long walks into the night, and not remembering where I’ve been. I care too much about my parents and her to commit suicide. I can’t do that. But… if that isn’t an option, then what is? Everything feels so far away. I don’t know how to go back. How to find my old self and get to work like I did before. Have friends like I did before. It feels like I’m not me. It feels like I’m a ghost, sticking around too long after I’ve already died. Thanks for listening.

In my last post I waxed on about my many tribulations, and although they are many, there have been some transgressions in my life in between now and then.

First off, I'd like to thank /u/Iffycrescent for speaking their honest truth, not holding back, and making me realize just how adverse to help I had become.

/u/AntonioSLodico offered some practical advice, stop drinking, stop talking to your ex, stop being on the internet. I can't say that I've adhered to these virtues, but I respect them and I want to make actions to my words by following suit and actually becoming the actor of these actions prescribed.

/u/Warm-Mechanic-3981 said many things, I do not agree with their second-to-last paragraph where they bid me to never make a depressing post again, but one thing that I did faithfully takeaway from their post is to "believe in good" because I have felt this from this community, to trust my pain unto others and receive genuine feedback from it.

/u/WhatIsLoveMeDo and /u/RageReq speculated upon my degeneracy and they came to the right conclusion, unfortunately. But it's the truth, I have become ensnared in a web of misogynistic power-dominating, Ego-fueled, dopamine-dependent, reliance of graphic images of humiliation and degradation for my own gratification - or, put more simply, for the sake of honesty, I've sought out extreme porn of women in humiliating and compromising situations just to sate my own ephemeral grotesque horny desires.

/u/Ghostyyyyyyyyyyq Motivated me by showing me a way beyond the drink, I know this way, but it is hard for me to follow, but I cannot express my appreciation for the encouragement, it does more than you might think.

/u/Fabulous-Creme5995 circumnavigated my anti-help rhetoric by just speaking their mind anyways. I protested against "this too shall pass" and they said "everything is temporary", well shit. If that was the whole of it then I'd have a sarcastic retort, but you showed empathy and care in the rest of your response.

In many ways your candid response resonated with me, it let me see what my voice might have been like, if I were advising others from my own situation - if only because our situations are so unfortunately alike.

/u/Upset_Fold_251 I sincerely hope that you make a separate post on here, because you deserve all of the great input that this community has to offer.

Now that I've gotten all of that off my chest, let me enlighten you on the catalyst of my change (five dollar words are pretentious but this is just how I genuinely speak).

Two days ago one of my customers died in front of me. I saw them vomiting up blood, water, and bilirubin. They were very elderly, without a spouse and without any children with them, which I am grateful for... but being there and seeing them die affected me more than I could have imagined.

It seems selfish to claim their death as my tragedy, especially as they were a stranger to me, from a far-removed generation and of a different nationality. But I provided first-aid and did everything I fucking could to revitalize them, CPR, calling emergency services, commanding others to remove the bystander effect.

None of this was to any avail, and I was certainly not the only one trying to prevent this man's death. If anything, I was just a little piece out of a massive machine. A machine of empathic people who came together to do their best, to support each other, to guide the customers arriving - or already in the area -, to give the man some dignity, to supply the actual professionals with useful information... I was literally just a teensy-tiny-little nothing-special little cog in this whole response.

I genuinely did nothing special.

Seeing the man's face drain of colour and life, that did something do me though. He was in his late 80's, but it put into perspective how much I take for granted, which is fucking everything.

I've been so selfish and egotistical, even in the recounting of the events, I can't help but relate it back to myself.

[I] have been through a lot and suffer for it, but I am still grateful to be alive. Between the comments that I have received and the experience that I have gone through, I find it hard to feel sorry for myself - and I am grateful for it.

I would like to thank everyone who I have mentioned above, I apologize for the depression I might have caused with my experience, and I hope that this sub continues to be a reprieve for lost men who just want to vent or share what their mental state is at.

If absolutely nothing is fucking working, then just scream into the world in any way you can. Have a voice, and then listen. Listening is the most important part.

I wish i could give my life to a person who has a fatal disease and wants to live, i hate to live most of the time, i feel lonely, i feel isolated,i am incredibly depressed and hardly smile anymore, i feel stuck because of the situation i am in with my toxic narcissistic parents. I can’t even be genuinely happy in my birthday anymore, it’s like this for last several years. I am sure lot of people would call me spoiled for complaining about my life but i don’t care, i hope i will have a heart attack in my sleep soon and disappear completely.

I don't know what goes wrong with my self confidence after day 1 of talking to women. First of all, I have a disability, an imbalance condition which never really stopped me from approaching women with confidence and humor. I'm funny and have average looks. AS SOON AS the first day with a woman goes well and I get back home, my insecurities start crawling up. My mind starts screaming "OH YOU FUMBLED" no matter how good the date/meet up went which hurts my self confidence and due to which I become desperate. And it goes on to double, triple and soon quadruple texting when the lady does not respond to me. When I'm not attended to, I'm thinking oh yeah she's not texting you again and becomes a tug of war to keep her in my life even though there's like a million girls out there. Y'all give me advises man. Some real ones not the regular "engage on stuff" things because I am an active guy, regular gym goer, makes music and all that. I know the villain is my own mind. But I don't know how to shut it down. Please tell me the specific thing I should do when I get desperate for a response. Thanks.

Hey lately I’ve been feeling like I have no purpose in my life like I feel like whenever I look around and see the people from my high school that I just graduated with had everything figured out and I just feel alone as a 20 year guy and I feel like I can talk about it with anyone especially my own mother or siblings because I feel like a burden to them I don’t know but does anyone relate to a similar situation ?

I haven’t had much luck with girls. I’m a pretty good guy, I’m an up and coming actor, go to the gym, got a decent job. However, every time I try to pursue someone I’m interested in I always get turned down. I don’t want to give up on the idea of love but right now I feel like I have to channel my energy in different areas. Does anyone have any tips for self improvement in this area?

I debuted my first cosplay (Ghost from MW2) last Monday and that was probably the only time I've gotten a lot of attention this year. It was a school event to commemorate our last day in high school and that was the only time I've ever gotten attention or someone talk to me ever, and what hit me the most was that I was behind a mask. Barely anyone knew it was me and even then everything just went back to normal after.

This entire thread is going to be a self-indulgent sob-story, you've been warned.

I fucking hate my life. I'm past my prime. I'm no longer in my 20s and am disillusioned with how the world operates as well as my place within it.

Where do I even begin?

When I was a child I got raped by my grandmother.

My parents are both disabled. They separated when I was 2 years old.

My 3 half-siblings received all the love and support I have always yearned for.

I'm co-dependant.

I'm severely depressed, I've been this way for years despite immense self-work and attempts to get better.

I'm a hypochondriac.

I'm anxious every single day.

I'm an alcoholic, but "manage" it.

Every single partner I've had has cheated on me, even my former fiancée who fell back in love with her ex because his appearance is superior to mine (not conjecture, but a confessed fact). She still talks to me every day, I still love her.

I was almost a father, but the fetus died early on, probably for the best.

There are aspects of my physicality that cannot be fixed with exercise and a good diet, if I could even manage that.

My apartment is terminally filthy. The floor may be wearing away from mold, haven't had the energy to check or do anything about it.

My job requires me to be incredibly social, I'm an introvert, every shift takes more than half the day, the commute is more than an hour both ways. The worst part is, I'm amazing at my job. I can socialize with literally anybody and brighten their day, but like Pagliacci I can't do anything about myself.

My moral values are intense and don't align with the majority of society. No, I am not autistic. Despite this I have done things that are unforgivable.

My former best friend betrayed me in a way that is irredeemable. I have no real friends except my ex, but, as you can imagine, this is a problem in and of itself.

I may be of atypical neurology. Even if I am, there is no help for me in my country.

I am financially destitute. Paycheck to paycheck.

I am terminally online.

I am a perverse degenerate, there is no fixing this.

I am just smart enough to know how stupid I truly am.

I have achieved all of my dreams. They have not fulfilled me. If anything, the "highs" only highlight the immense lows.

I have too much empathy. It is such that I cannot even kill myself, because I cannot bring myself to cause the few people I care about this immense and everlasting pain that my death would cause. I am a prisoner of my own empathy.

I have done therapy. I have met psychologists. I have tried medicine. I have done cognitive behavioral therapy. I have immersed myself in stoicism. I have gazed upon the beauty of the world and it has gazed back, yet I am still empty. I have transgressed. I have regressed.

People love me for my optimism, yet I am hopelessly misanthropic and negative, I am just extremely good at being positive and likable in my day-to-day life.

I am intelligent, caring, lovable, confident, capable, and have proven my worth in multiple fields. Despite this, I have the face equivalent of a burn victim, and the body of a hacky-sack bag, and my positive attributes are socially negated by virtue of superficial qualities.

I am progressive. I am not misogynistic. I am not racist. I am not homophobic. I do not judge people based on their appearance, yet I harbor hate for humanity as a whole.

I have tried. I have fuckin tried. Now I am fucking tired.

What is left for me? "This too shall pass", so will my gas. "There is someone out there for you" but I have too much trauma to ever be able to trust again. I am too anti-authoritarian, too anti-hegemony, and too anti-human to be able to give this hypothetical person anything of value. "You've achieved so much" and yet all this success has left me hollow.

My native language is at high risk of extinction within the next 50 years, and despite being a native speaker, I am seen as an outsider by my own tribe; to explain it would require an entire essay.

I have body dysmorphia.

I have people that rely on me. They are my only motivation for staying alive.

I have tried suicide hotlines. I have tried the Red Cross. I don't care if your "inbox is always open" to me, you are a stranger and you cannot help me.

I have given all that I can give. There is nothing left. I am a husk. I am an empty shell. Yet I am compelled to keep going, at least until those I love die, then I can die as well.

None of these words are able to truly encapsulate my feelings, my situation, who I am - they are wrong, both too harsh and too modest. I cannot even accurately express myself.

I am alone.

I want to die, but I don't.

This has gone on for far too long, but there is no end in sight.

Will venting all of this bring me some reprieve? I hope so.

I do not need your pity, or your kindness, or your help. I have had it all before. I have been on the other side, I have saved lives, but I cannot mend that which is within.

Hope flickers on a mote of dust, and I am the landfill which contains it.

Me 18F and my girlfriend 18F (but 1 grade older) of 2 and a half years finally broke up. We had an extremely rocky relationship. There were times where it was clear we didn’t click at all and times where it could’ve been said that we were soul mates. That being said, it’s over now and she has dumped me and is refusing to talk to me (giving me absolutely no closure). Our rockiness started off maybe a month into our relationship when she was kinda cuddling with her ex in gym class. I didn’t really think anything of it cus i was just dumb as fuck but then i talked to her about it and she apologized. We were like 15 and this was just kinda silly stuff. I had her cut the guy off, but with every single one of our 10+ breakups (i’ll get to later) she would always go back to him to text and talk to him (which is wtv relative to the other things ig). Then there was this other guy who she used to like who transferred schools her sophomore year and she was really sad so she asked if she could go to starbucks with him (alone) and i was like “uh no please don’t”. So she said okay but then i caught her going anyway, she lied about everything and even sent videos of the empty car trying to prove he wasn’t there (he was in the trunk☠️). I believe she didn’t cheat on me though, she wouldve told me.

That is Something you all should know about this girl, she cannot lie for more than 24 hours. Lying breaks her very spirit and she has to get it out of her. She ended up admitting the thing to me before i could even finish my sentence proving she lied.

Anyway though, at high school graduation she would take a bunch of pictures with this guy because momento (she didn’t ask me to go to her graduation).

Anyway next there was this other guy who was like barely a guy he was basically a man in a child’s body (5’ 2” 130 pounds) and very immature. She would often use this guy for attention and would always be texting and calling him whenever she got kinda bored of me which made me kinda sad. The guy was in my grade, and I knew he was bad news. He would frequently assault me, so i warned her that she should stay away. She lied to me that she cut him off. Then one day the guy told her he had a 20$ gift card for her and she lied to me and went to go meet up with him to get it, where she was then raped by said guy. She hid this for as long as she could, but then eventually told me. This was the summer before she went away for college.

Then in college it was just really worse. I was such a good boyfriend during this long distance. I sent her flowers and those “open when blank” letters for her to open and bought her a build a bear with my voice in it but she kept complaining that she didn’t feel loved at the most minor inconvenience.

She kept comparing me to this one guy who she knew liked her and said she wished i was more like him and had his types of long language (he was country and catholic, im this atheist city nerd; even though, not to sound like an obnoxious jerk, but i’d say i was more conventionally attractive than him, he had this weird ahh neck beard and was about 5’5”) anyway though, she immiediently regretted what she said and told me she was wrong, which was nice! but it didn’t stop there.

A week later in college she met this other guy that liked her, and she said she was confused and wanted to go on break. She wanted to go on break because she wanted to confront the guy about it and wanted to make sure we weren’t dating in case he tried to pull something, so therefore it wouldn’t be cheating. This is probably the DUMBEST thing i’ve ever heard come out of a persons mouth.

There are many other things that happened over the course of our relationship, but these are some of the worst. I was not perfect to her either, but nothing i did rose to these levels. I also got much better as time went on, and was basically perfect for the last year (which was ironic cus she got so much worse).

This brings me to this week. We got back together after the second college guy because she said she changed. Then I took a look at her phone and few days later and saw he was still second on her snap best friends list. Now even though i’m an 18 year old, and snapchat is really for children, this just made me snap (twist on words LMAO). I said that I needed space and felt sick. I told her when I got home that i was hurt by how she was still talking to him. She then broke up with me☠️☠️☠️☠️. She said I am toxic and not good for her. I begged her for a slow breakup because I needed closure and couldn’t go cold turkey without her but she refused. I’ve now been begging to speak to her for even a little. Whenever we broke up in the past, I was always so nice and gave her everything she wanted to be okay. But then the one time she breaks up with me, she refuses to give me what i need.

I did everything with this girl from 15 to 18. She was my first love and so feel like my entire childhood is gone now that she is. I think that’s a big reason of why I let her get away with so much. She was the most perfect, loving person I had ever met at times.

My questions to everyone is.

1. How do I stop myself from gaslighting myself into thinking there’s no other girls out there? I always feel like i’m never going to meet someone with the positive attributes she has.
2. How do I get over this
3. I’m gonna add more questions as I get responses and think of more things

Thank you so much for reading and responding. I’m sorry if the grammar or story make no sense. I am sad. Please feel free to ask clarifying questions.

I know it’s not my responsibility but like sometimes it really does bother me the way my father acts.

My father, I love him, but sometimes like it feels like he uses his struggles with depression as an excuse for bad behavior or not to do something

I know that’s horrible to say but like, sometimes it feels like it.

Like it’s not like he hasn’t improved at all cause he used to cope with it by drinking and drugs

He does less of it, which is a major improvement

But like today, he came over to my moms to do laundry, and he was hungry and I had an extra meal prep, and I gave it to him and he liked it.

I offered to come over and teach him how to make them and he was just like, “Ugh do you know how much energy I’d have to muster to feel like I could do that”

I mentioned it cause it’s a way to save money a way to eat healthier

Which is something he always complains about. Like he eats and gets high like 24/7

Look it’s not like I don’t have empathy I don’t think I’ve ever truely been depressed which is why I don’t like to use that word.

I definitely have traumas and shit I work through and my own demons but like I didn’t have the childhood he had.

Like he grew up in Ireland, in the 80s Catholic, Ireland a lot of horrible shit people of his and his parents generation went through at the hand of the family culture if it wasn’t one of the church members

Like we’re talkin happiest days of our lives/Another Brick in the Wall Pt 2 kinda stuff

My dad is also the kind of guy that thinks, cause he apologizes it means everything is ok.

Which depending on the context it is.

But he will act like all he has to say is sorry, and then like it’s all ok.

We all make mistakes, won’t make it again proceeds to make the same mistake again.

One thing he does that really pisses me off, is I’m aware I can ramble but he will ask me a complex question like a history question

And I’ll start explaining and he will cut me off and tell me to give him the short version.

And when I say it is the short version I can’t condense the French occupation of Egypt into 4 sentences.

He will also give lectures about depression and how debilitating it is, and be aware, and that’s why something like his apartment is a mess. Or why he is high all the time.

Like I just I feel bad for even typing this cause he told me like a few months ago that, I’m kinda an inspiration to him and a lot of people in my family for the work I’ve put into myself.

Eating better, working out, losing 40lbs, going to therapy, being honest with myself.

I’d walk on hot coals for my dad, and I know he’d do the same, I also know that you can lead a horse to water but you can’t force it to drink, I’m also aware that im 21 and he’s a 45 year old man, we are both adults, in control and responsible for our own actions.

I also believe that, shitty situations don’t justify shitty behavior but shitty situations lead to shitty behavior