I was doing better. Eating normal caloric amounts and finally having my energy back. I was still bloating severely, but I took it as par for the course, and was getting through it. Then, on Thanksgiving, I went overboard ate as much as I could physically handle. The guilt got to me, I relapsed, and have been restricting for days now. My bloating is worse than ever and I feel miserable. I just need support right now.

Hi all,

I am trying to recover my period, but it has been a nasty battle. I have had long cycles most of my life (around 40 day cycles). i started bodybuilding last march and lost my period after about a month and lost quite a bit of weight too. then I started binge eating, which led to more exercising than I had been already been doing. when I realized that wasn't working I started purging. during my binging episodes my justification was that I needed to get my period back anyways so it was fine. but then I would purge everything and restrict the next day. since august, I have been binging a few days of each week and eating normally the other days. i have only purged a few times since august. as of now, I have not purged since October, but I am still binging. i thought I would be ok with the weight gain, since I really want to get my period back, but it hasn't come yet. it makes me question with the weight gain is even worth it. i am so so uncomfortable in my body and I weigh even more than I did when this all started. are there other reasons why it wouldn't come back even though I am a healthy weight? is there some sort of supplement I should take?

please help me. i really wanna be able to have kids some day

i am really having a hard time right now. i got home a few days ago after being in the hospital becuase of my ED. while i was there they made me eat and gain weight (obviously). i am home but i feel worse than ever. i am doing better physically but my thoughts are so much worse than before. i just feel gross overall. because i have gained weight, i don’t even feel like i should be allowed to be struggling. i feel so invalid and embarrassed. i don’t know what to do :( i want to get better but i also really want to continue with what i was doing before i was hospitalized. i thought recovery was supposed to help you feel better, but i feel awful and i don’t know if i can cope with it. i just really need support or advice if anyone has any..

My inner dialogue is a constant stream of food worry, recovery doubt, guilt, fear, and shame. I have zero faith the thoughts will ever go away, and that makes recovery action so difficult. I'm terrified of living the rest of my life with these thoughts. I can't stop believing that the thoughts and food obsession is the problem, rather than restriction. Should I keep eating? Even if I'll never recover my mind? What is the point? I think I might be one of those people that never. I can't stop thinking 'but what if it never goes away' . The more I try and convince myself that wont be the case the more I get stuck in the rumination. It's so constant. I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I just realised that in recovery I can eat everything I want, the only downside is the side effects of extreme hunger (mby body image, I accept myself now, but can't predict the future) . And when recovered I would be able to do it with no downsides because I will be satisfied and could say no without feeling restricted. And even if I ate more it will go to normal in some period of time. I feel such a relief

(I feel like this could possibly be triggering? idk, but be careful)

I decided to just take a small step towards recovery today by eating a small lunch, and I can’t handle the feeling of food in my stomach. I feel horrible and now I’m not sure if I can recover if it’s going to be like this. I’m just laying in my bed disgusted with myself. I’m kinda spiraling now, with a lot of bad and anti-recovery thoughts so idk what I’m gonna do.

I've had an eating disorder for half a year and although my parents are aware of the weight loss since it's evident, they don't know I have an eating disorder or that I'm trying to recover, although I think they might be suspicious about it. They also don't know I'm in therapy.

I'm not living with them now but I'll be going back home with my parents for the holidays and if I don't say anything I'm scared that they will make comments that could interfere with my recovery, but if I say something I'm scared that they will overly worry about it or invalidate my disorder completely. Whether I tell them or not it seems like a risk.

If anyone has been in a similar situation I'd love to hear about what decision they ended up making and their experience with it.

So I'm 27 now and due to my ed, I've never had a period. I've read about amenorrhea recovery and followed other people's journeys, but is anyone on here in the same situation?

What was a day in extreme hunger like for you? I know we are not supposed to compare. But does anyone else love reading what other people ate in extreme hunger. I find it so motivating. Especially when I'm going through it. It shows me I'm not alone, not nuts, and not a unicorn. Like I'm all about the peanut butter but I struggle with ways to eat it where I don't bulk it out with my "safe" foods (chickpea cookie dough with peanut butter and fake sugar). Also dairy to the point my stomach cannot take anymore (cottage cheese and cream cheese are my favs). I'm also amazed when people can eat proper meals. in extreme hunger because I feel like I just graze all day.

I can’t stand to look at my body in the mirror even tho i haven’t even been gaining much weight since starting recovery & it’s been months.

It’s especially worse on days when i skip exercise. In early days of recov, I’d tell myself to avoid mirrors so as to stop obsessively criticizing my body every single time I’m in front of one.

Now it’s turned from that to me telling myself to avoid mirrors so I don’t feel disgusted with my body on days where I either don’t exercise enough or eat a lil too much. It’s tiring living with this dumb disease. No matter what things still manage to circle back to me being obsessed with my body image.

The worst part is, everyone in my family’s told me that I’m actually loosing weight as opposed to gaining it. That I shouldn’t be so worried about exercising when I either haven’t gained a single pound or I’m loosing more than ever & that they’re worried about me. But I just can’t bring myself to believe them, i already feel like a pregnant whale even on days where i eat like one meal then call it, even on days where i exercise for hours. It feels like they’re just lying to me so I can keep gaining. I trust them less now

I’ve started recently telling myself that If I don’t exercise for the day, I won’t eat. Why does it seem like I’m the only one who can’t bring myself to notice what’s happening to my body?

I obsessively exercise, then I obsessively critique, then I obsessively eat, then obsessively starve. It’s the same cycle over & over & over again yet I’m still not satisfied w/ the results.

There’s always something I’m not satisfied with , always something that sets me tf off, always something that I either notice every waking moment or can’t notice at all.

I’m exhausted yet not satisfied.

I started recovery last month and I am severely struggling with extreme hunger. I’ve never in my life felt this way and the anxiety and panic it gives me is ridiculous. Ive been trying to honor it and have been eating much more (especially since Thanksgiving was two days ago). However, I am losing weight. I will not give specifics but it’s not good and I’m scared. Why is this happening? I’m seeing a nutritionist and she said it was probably my metabolism spiking, but I would feel bad messaging her on a Sunday lol. Just looking for support. Thanks 🫶🏻

I am at such a low weight and I want to gain weight because I hate how skeletal I look, no clothing fits me and I look like a little boy. Yet i am my own enemy and can’t eat. When I do eat, I’m not even proud I just feel guilty and my mind goes nuts - so I just rather not eat than have to deal with the anxiety of afterwards. Anyone else relate or have advice ?

So i have been in ed recovery for about 4 months now, i started it in august due to me otherwise bejng hospitalized (sorry if triggering) and school was and still is very hard for me, i am able to eat alone cus otherwise i nust can't eat (cus of my friends watching) and i know thta i have to start eating around others more but here is the thing, i have 3 super triggering friends: one that has growth and hormonal problems and because of that she is very underweight and shs has a small stomach so she doesn't eat lunch at school cus she claims she is not hungry (i have confermed that she doesn't have an eating dusorder tho), one friend that keeps saying how " we shouls swap places" and by that she means like i need to start eating more like her and she less like me, cus she apperently 'needs to lose weight' i find tgis kinda rude and disrepsectful towards me but yeah, i alsp think that that friend has orthorexia bc of her parents but thats besides the point, then my bsf has a weird thing like sometimes she just thinks she looks ugly and needs to lose weight, but recently she has been getting better tho :) but yeah, they are all very triggering to me and i don't know what i should do, should i tell them, or ignore it, or are they not so good friends after all (besides my bsf she is the best, even tough she triggers me) so yeah what do yall think???

Around 2 weeks ago, I went to the doctor and she told me to gain x pounds before I see her again in mid-January. I thought I’ve been doing good and eating more, but I checked this morning, and I haven’t gained a pound Ugh . I guess I’ve just been maintaining? I just wanted to get this out somewhere lol She never told me how much to eat, so I’m kinda on my own with this. Wish me luck idk (I hope none of this broke the rules)

My family has a history of GI issues but I can’t help but think I really did myself in. I’ll never forget years ago on ED twt or tumblr some girl made a post about how she screwed her digestive system by fasting so much and denying her body food. I don’t think I did as extensive damage because for the most part I always eat. But there was a couple of months where I’d restrict as much as I could before I started throwing up bile from all the stomach acid. I eventually stopped embarrassed by my self missing classes I paid for because of my own vanity. My rational brain always stops me from hitting full send on my ED thoughts. But unfortunately no matter how good I’m doing I will always think I can be skinnier (I’m average weight now I guess) but anytime I eat or feel full I feel guilty I wonder when it will end if ever. In my mind if I lose an adequate amount I can give myself grace. From middle school to high school I had gained a significant amount of weight. No one ever outwardly ever called me fat maybe because I’m tall (and this isn’t the 90s) but I get triggered from a lack of compliments (my sister was so beautiful and skinny and I was awkward and lanky somehow while still having a belly.) Anyways after all of that (I was 12 when I really became conscious of my weight and I’m 27 now) now I consider it a win if my food stays down. I have to eat soup most days and tiny portions. Most of my meals look like they’re for toddlers but I’m just trying to make sure that I get nutrients since recently I only have about 10 bites worth of space in my stomach before I get full and if I eat beyond this I will puke every time. I used to binge after smoking and I’d eat so much that my stomach would literally hurt and I’d wake up still in pain. I had on multiple occasions tried to make myself get rid of the content of what I’d just eaten but it never worked for me. So instead I’d exercise that week each day for 2 hours also making sure to walk 15k steps dance and restrict the entire week. I’m not as bad now but when do the thoughts stop. The urge to just not eat. I also can’t tell anyone now because they’ll just look at me and get sad and say I’m skinny even though I literally just became average bmi recently due to my health issues. Before I was overweight and people were telling me I was skinny so I think I’m just making people uncomfortable so I struggle in silence.

Sorry for the ramble tldr; I’ve had an Ed for 15+ years and might’ve given myself GI issues. I’m hoping that I can fully recover but the bad thoughts are like sirens in the night trying to get me back into that mindset.

it sounds silly but this is a big thing for me. i usually will throw half of it away but today i was like i will try to eat it all and yk what, i did, ever single last piece of it !!!!. im trying to make small steps for now and this is one of the things im trying to overcome. proud that i actually did it :D

I've been in recovery for a few days (literally released the day before Thanksgiving) and my dad is already pushing me into social situations. I really wish he would give me more time to recover in a safe place and learn to accept myself over time. I panic whenever he decides for me that im going somewhere and I have to beg to stay home. He says that im fighting the ED by socializing, which I know he's right, but I feel like I need more time? I know I've pushed some of my friends away, and I miss them, but once they see me, I know they'll say that I 'look different' or other triggering things. Who is right here?

I got my period back omg im actually so happy AHHHH 😝

I'm about 6 months into recovery and the water retention on the rest of my body has seemingly gone away for the most part, but my face still seems quite puffy. Is this normal? And if so, when can I expect it to go away? Tbh I also don't know if my face is actually puffy or if it's just body dysmorphia.

I feel like such a fake. Everyone I see always talks about how hard it is for them to eat but I eat so much snacks all the time and I can’t stop. I feel like it’s so easy for me? But I’m not even hungry I just keep eating, idk what’s wrong with me. Whenever someone says “I worked so hard to convince myself to eat” I feel so greedy bc Im like the complete opposite? Do I even have Ana at this point? Was i just faking everything? Anyone else feel the same way?

I been in real recovery for 3 weeks, no b/p or restricting anymore but honestly, I’m battling urges to relapse and start all over again. Everyday is different battles I face, feeling hungrier or not feeling hungry at all or eating normal amount. I just want my weight to stabilize, I reached healthy weight 2 weeks ago since I was in “recovery” but not real recovery for 3 monthss since I did let myself eat “bad” foods but sometimes I b/p in those 3 months too, which caused me to gain weight bc I also keep food in and I was trying to stop b/p and restriction bc of threats of hospitalization but now I’m in 3 weeks real recovery and I feel like I gained to much weight, and I’m always so hungry or not or normal hungry. I just want my weight to stabilize with my hunger.im tired, i dont think I can do it anymore, any tips from ana b/p user who made it through recovery and these thoughts and feelings ?

After years of being on the verge of underweight, following a very strict vegan diet without enough supplements, and a raging exercise addiction, I have pretty bad arthritis in my left foot. I’m so pissed this happened. I was never that thin. I was never clinically underweight. I had orthorexia/OCD & was very active. I was convinced I was healthy & taking care of myself by exercising 2 hours a day and avoiding all processed or animal-based foods. I had several deficiencies (B12, vitamin D, etc), but still kept going.

The foot doctor I recently saw said I really shouldn’t be running or doing any high-intensity sports. They also said they can guarantee it’s probably going to get worse because arthritis is degenerative. And that I’ll need surgery with 10 years. There are probably genetic components as well, but my food and exercise behaviors clearly didn’t help 😀

I’ve since gained weight & incorporated necessary foods after seeing a dietician, but the damage has been done :(

Just really struggling right now. No one my age should be dealing with this. I genuinely love being active, but I’m going to have to change the way I do that & scale back now.

Please take this as a sign that everything should happen in moderation. Even “good” things like exercise. You CAN exercise too much even if you feel “ok.” And realize that a few “bad” things like desert aren’t going to hurt you nearly as much as your eating disorder.

I never thought it would catch up to me but it did. So please take my warning seriously 🙏

My friends are catching on to my ED and they make comments about it ([name] that’s not lunch, that’s a snack. You need to eat more), I have panic attacks almost everyday at/around lunch (in hs) I know I should recover and I know how bad this is but it feels like I’m not sick enough. I know there’s “no such thing” but I’m not underweight, it feels like it’s “invalid” for me to recover. my brain tells me that I’m not sick, and I should get sicker. I don’t know what to do.

Hi, I don't know if I'm not breaking rule 4 if so pls delete the post. If you're thinking about food and aren't calm around it - just eat. Mental fullness feels like being hydrated, when you see water you just pass by it. You can think about food but in a calm way like "I have cheesecake in my fridge, it's for sure delicious, but I don't feel like eating it right now" But when you start stressing over it and it interrupts your day you should just get it. Normal relationship with food means you treat it like drinking or going to the toilet. You don't doubt yourself and don't wait till you shit your pants

Edit: Wow, I didn't thaught it would get more than 5 upvotes lol. I feel even better knowing that I've helped somebody, thank you

I was diagnosed with atypical anorexia a few months ago and I told most of my friends about it, and most of them have been supportive and I'm really thankful for that. One of my friends, who has always been quite similar to me, has not really been so helpful, and I find hanging out with her to be quite upsetting and mentally draining. I really like her and I have known her for a long time (probably like 8 years maybe) but I don't really want to keep seeing her if she makes me feel sad. Whenever I see her she tells me about how little she has eaten, and about how unhappy she is with her weight or looks and how horrible she feels. I have told her about how these thoughts are unhealthy, and she should ask for help from someone, but she always tells me she isn't interested in finding help and she isn't bothered to ask for it. I'm not really sure why she is even telling me all this if she won't listen to my advice about finding help and if I tell her I don't like it she gets defensive. I'm not even really sure why she tells me about this stuff when she knows I have an eating disorder and I might react to it in a bad way or get upset by it. I know I shouldn't hang out with her if she makes me upset, but I feel kind of guilty or selfish about trying to distance myself from her because I can tell she is not doing well, but on the other hand, she's an adult so I can't really force her to listen to me about seeking help, and I shouldn't see her if it will cause me to be upset. Has anyone else had a similar experience, and am I being selfish?

Today I got a call from a private number. It took me a minute to figure out who the voice on the other side was: my dietician from years ago. She was asking me how I was, since I'd never been discharged and had just left my sessions without much explanation. She said a word I hadn't heard in ages: eating disorder.

As a teen, I had anorexia. It sucked my happiness, my friends; food and exercise was all I thought about. At one point, I think it stopped being about my body and started being this rut I was stuck in, that I was scared to get out of. I recall trying many times to get better, whether it was inpatient (hell) or outpatient (slightly less hell), 'all in' recovery, documenting all my aesthetic meals in albums on my phone, boasting about all this food I ate. Yet at the same time, I would injure my poor legs with all the running and read nutrition labels like the Sunday paper. The therapists told my parents I would live with it forever, because it was just the way my brain worked.

But after six years of fighting... things changed.

It wasn't overnight, I know that. I believe it started with asking my mom to let me pick my own cereal bar or something. Then I would take it without asking. Slowly, over time, the thoughts just went away. Fully, completely away. I'd love to tell you what I've eaten today to give you some idea of normality, but I can't even remember. I don't really care, to be honest. I can't believe I'm even typing this right now; those years feel like a fever dream. No one really said a word of it again at home, as if we hadn't been screaming at each other over a potato just weeks ago.

I realise I never got the chance to be grateful for the fact that I can eat and sit down and walk and sleep in peace now. This sub was everything to 15 year old me, so I've come on here to tell you all that there is definitely hope. There is so much beauty on the other side. Trust me, I've seen it all.

i don't even know. yes, an-r has been destroying my life, but it's been so gradual - but in the past month or so that i've started BP behaviors - or at least the "p" - i feel like i've crashed and burned completely. i want to go back to previous stages of my ED, but i know that's not how it works - EDs only get worse, and i've never had any control over it anyway. there's no hierarchy of better or worse suffering, it's all just suffering.

i really think i'll need to return to treatment. but my parents financed treatment all summer, and i got nowhere (deep down, i think i knew i wasn't ready.) i hate the thought of returning to residential care, but this past week of thanksgiving break and being around food and family, i've eaten more than intended then purged literally every day. i would not be able to HANDLE it if this is what my upcoming eight week winter break ends up looking like, too.

point being: i hate the idea of going back to treatment, i hate the idea of asking that of my parents, i'm still obsessed with weight loss and so scared of weight gain that it doesn't even compute as an option in my head. and i can't be away from family in res over the holidays??? MEANWHILE: i've hit mental rock bottom, i'm resetting my purging sobriety tracker multiple times a day, i'm telling myself i won't eat every day, then eating until i feel sick and purging and doing it again. i'm lying to everybody all the time, i'm gaining weight, i feel like shit physically, and no matter what i do i'm failing miserably at it. i don't want to recover, and i don't know how much longer i can actually live like this. but i know it'll just get worse.

i just don't know what to do. god, how the fuck did i get here.

been recovering and doing well, however I can't sleep as well or for as long as I used to.

I'm less tired than I was when I had an eating disorder and recovery has helped with that.

Wondering whether it's all changes during recovery and mental processing perhaps which keeps me awake.

I started a vague recovery plan about 3 days ago using my nutritionist’s advice and recommendations. It was somewhat fine, I started trying to eat normally (outside of thanksgiving. That was quite the day for me in many ways) and it was fine until yesterday. I got an appointment with an eating disorder facility in a few weeks and now I feel both guilty and relieved. I feel like I’m faking my disorder due to having eaten better those few days and beginning a plan but I also feel happy that I began trying to heal myself. However, as soon as the realization that the actual appointment for a professional is a few weeks away, I began to spiral and my guilt and anxiety got worse. I quit my recovery and started my previous eating habits and now I feel miserable again. I genuinely don’t know what to do. I want to eat and continue my recovery until I can get a professional’s help but I also feel like I’m just lying about everything and I wouldn’t be sick enough to actually get the help I want.

TW: body image !!! I hated my body before being underweight and I hate it now aswell. I still can’t cope with the weight gain and I’m stuck in a recovery relapse cycle even though I’m on a mealplan and desperately need to gain weight. Nothing fits me, everything I own is too big and I don’t want to buy new stuff since I know I have to gain weight. My jeans fucking fall off and when I wear them with a belt it looks like I shit myself because I have zero ass. I look sick but I also look like a child. I have no boobs , no ass, no curves whatsoever. Am I going to hate my body for the rest of my life..???