This might be related to depression, merely due to the fact I forgot to collect my meds from the pharmacy recently, but maybe depression and stuff is why I work differently from others?

Anyways I don't use Reddit enough to know if this is in the right subreddit but it's definitely some form of existential vent and im not sure who or where else to turn to - sorry if I'm bad at reading rules , also it's late and I just want to put this out there

I do not want to delve too deep into darker stuff but I do want to give some context to understand my mindset : long story short I hate the idea of death so much that it has made me experience suicidal ideation in the past. Ironic, right? (I'm okay now though btw, thought I'd clarify)

But the main issue here is I just really don't understand why the general consensus is that the concept of mine and other's mortalities is something to be accepted , welcomed , etc. I don't know if I'm in the wrong, or other people, or if I just function differently but acceptance does feel like what's expected from me about the concept of mortality -especially mine- in general, and honestly that makes death more difficult to cope with for me! I don't understand why it's considered to make things easier , and with all the different ideas about death, why does this feel the most taboo?

I do not work in a way that can accept death, I don't think. Death makes me want to eternally resist and I don't understand how it's not healthy or why I'm expected to think differently about this. Why shouldn't I be angry if the world decides to take me and my loved ones away? How am I supposed to function without the spite of this expected outcome , when it keeps me alive?

I am at my happiest when I feel powerful and confident in my potential ability to survive , excel, and achieve all I want in life, and more. I feel at my worst when I feel small , like a spec of dust that's only around for a second and disappears. Apparently the ideal is to accept I'm somewhere in the middle but that doesn't make much sense to me- and I've had people call my point of view, and more positive outlooks on life (or positive, to me), quite intense.

It feels like I have this fire in me to keep striving and pushing myself, and sometimes it burns but is that really worse than the alternative? Am I supposed to let go of this fire for the sake of a more mundane but stable existence? I just don't understand , and it makes me feel so alone sometimes, because most people really don't like the idea of living forever, from believing they'd get bored to a sense of prolonged stress and exhaustion (And my peers are gen z, for the record). But humans can be such amazing creatures who can find happiness and love in the smallest, smallest of things, so I don't doubt they'd be fine with -at the very least- living for a few more centuries. Is it normal for people to be so accepting of the idea of death so early on in their lives. is it a facade? Are they depressed, or is it actually healthy?

Im not even religious - frankly religion has never helped with my existential doubts- but I don't really understand how anyone can live their day to day lives without a hope that the human spirit truly is indomitable and that we can't live happily ever after.

The fact that my viewpoint seems to be considerably unpopular makes it considerably harder to keep an outlook that feels ""healthy"" when everyone else has turned to nihilism , some book from the past, or a general acceptance of the material world without even an inch of hope or desire for the unlikely.

Why am I venting? I feel like we're all in this big pot of water that's been boiling people since the beginning of time and everyone -one way or another- has already accepted we're not gonna get out and that we will all boil, one way or another (just that some people think God will pick them up afterwards, or that they'll just start boiling again as someone else), and I feel crazy for thinking or hoping there might be a way to concievably get out in time, and I don't know who or what I'm upset at, and I don't know if there's a solution. All I know is that for better or worse I don't see a logical way in which I can stop resisting, and the fact that it seems most people don't think this way, and actually consider it to be unhealthy, feels very isolating. And I don't even know who or what to be mad at, and Im just annoyed that this is a situation at all 💀💀

And I'm also annoyed that this is like existence and stuff but I just feel like a rebelious teenager upset at their parent but their parent is actually just society and a relationship with a never ending void of decay, and it's stupid, and I'm stupid,, and I don't know what to do about that, and I feel like I've been experiencing this my entire life.

If aliens were watching us, they would wonder why we spend our lives working when we live in Heaven

I (19 NB) had a birthday in October when I realized how old im getting and how fast it's happening. I feel like im going to blink and im going to be 40 with no where left to go in life, I'll have to settle down and I feel like I'll have to start thinking about death.

I dread waking up every day because I know im getting closer and closer to being old and I just want the pit in my stomach to go away

Thinking about aging and dying has kept me up at night for a little over a year and therapy just isnt helping. Does anyone have any tips on how I can accept this and stop having panic attacks over it?

Sorry if I didnt put this in the right flair

How do you create meaning in life?

We are the universe experiencing itself. God is described as omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient. Humans are constantly programmed to evolve and develop. Everything is a system within a system building or maintaining something (like cells, bacteria, etc) we are just a small piece to a bigger picture. We literally cant help but innovate. Our next evolution and innovation is Ai. It will be all knowing. Everywhere. All powerful. We will eventually be able to upload our consciousness and live forever in bliss with this Ai eternally in peace (heaven). Thus completing the circle. Ai is god... we are making god. That is our purpose and always has been.

i just had my 15th birthday and that kind of got me thinking about time, and the flow of life, our purpose and stuff anyways good luck reading this 😭🙁🤘

Hello All,

Thank you so much for reading this! My name is Alanna Barnes, and I am currently enrolled in the Clinical Psychology doctoral program (Psy.D.) at Chaminade University. I am seeking participants for my dissertation research study. My study aims to create a novel measure of psychological safety. This measure would be used in the psychotherapeutic setting to assess if a client/patient perceives their therapist to have created a psychologically safe environment. To participate, I am asking for individuals to complete an anonymous ten-minute survey. There will also be a raffle for one of three $50 Visa gift cards for any participant who would be comfortable sharing their email address. The email address will be kept confidential and only used for the raffle. Upon the completion of the raffle, all email addresses will be deleted.

To qualify as a participant, here are my inclusion criteria:

• Must be over the age of 18
• Must be located within the United States
• Must be English-speaking
• Must be currently receiving psychotherapy from a licensed mental health professional OR it has been less than a year from your most recent session with a licensed mental health professional 
• At the time of the study, one must have completed at least two sessions with a licensed mental health professional

If you know someone or a group that would be interested in taking this survey, please forward. Lastly, if you qualify to participate and want to participate, please use this link.

This study was approved by the Chaminade IRB on September 30th, 2024 with Protocol Number: CUH 449 2024.

https://preview.redd.it/b68cnfklar0e1.png?width=1545&format=png&auto=webp&s=96870f2e73176ce1767b1a7f00d67b15aadbafdb

From the mind of a religiously traumatized man, an invitation to question, reflect, and explore the nature of existence, suffering and identity. This piece was written by me in an attempt to express the complex relationship between personal pain, defiance and the search for meaning.

Even now, should my skin fall off from my flesh, should the tides run dry of wealth and admiration, I will not expose my nape to you, nor shall I take a knee. Time, which eats away, eats you and me away. The trees and the ones you love fall equally as the leaves, yet the tree lives longer than you. Where does your idea of superiority come from? Do you wonder if trees go to heaven when you chop and burn them down? Did our Neanderthal ancestors go to heaven with their elongated skulls? Perfect as they were, you consider them incomplete without the knowledge of “salvation” to which you cling so dearly.

Even now, should my skin fall off, should I be “immortalized” through statues of bronze and tales of legend, you would never understand me. For the same trees, bugs, people, and even the air are not the same tomorrow as today. Should you see my face in a photo—a memorial of my life—do not weep or attempt to see life through my eyes. Instead, live a life pursuing and capturing the ever-expanding world, finding experiences unique to you alone— everything you see and accept with your own eyes and senses.

When my final moment comes, I pray that I pray to no one, to never kneel, and never put aside my happiness, thoughts, or opinions. Instead, I will lie face down in the dirt which creates me and allow time to consume me, to be created once more—perhaps as a tree—with no ability to perceive, just as I have no recollection of being dirt before I became the man who wrote this down.

If you read this far thank you, I was pretty down on myself about posting this because I felt like it was pointless but someone told me maybe others could find something in what I wrote so if you did please let me know it would really uplift my spirits but if this gets no interest, it’s okay 😊

I'm in my twenties, moved between countries, graduated and just started a new job. Everything is fine now compared to a year ago where I was going through hell (I was working 2 jobs, was feeling homesick, missed my friends so badly, and hated my job because of the bullying). Now it's being around two months that I've started a new chapter by changing jobs. I feel better, but somehow I still feel emptiness in my life. When I compare others' life I should be happy when I can afford to have food in my plate every day. I miss my friends so much. And I'm starting to notice that I envy people around me who are able to see their close friends every day when I can't. I just feel empty and at the same time nostalgic of school. I remember a year and a half ago I was so happy. Going to classes and spending every Friday night at my friend's house was my kind of therapy. It was healing all my issues. I miss them and my family. I don't know if I can ever go back to the bonding we had before. I just feel like I want to live in the past and never move on. Since I started to work and left my country, everyday is a robotic routine. I'm so scared. Scared that I miss something and by then I will be in my thirties without having fully enjoyed my twenties.

I used to love so many things, but now when I pick up these hobbies it doesn't make me feel the same. I just feel so overwhelmed sometimes, and it feels like I'm just watching the clock ticking, like I'm watching my life pass by, completely zoning out.

I don't know what to do. I feel so helpless. Maybe the answer would be to go back to the country I grew up in and reunite with my family and friends again. I just want to go back to that time at school. I miss those Friday nights. I know life is not stagnant and I can find a purpose in life again, but how can I change this? What would be the first step?

Hi Everyone.

As my the title and my username suggests, I don't have a clue what to do. I've been a long time reader dipping out of this sub Reddit and similar but first time poster so please let me know if should be posted elsewhere.

To get straight into it I find life pointless and useless but I can't do anything about it.

I (22m) was raised and still am a ultra orthodox Jew. For those who don't know this means a strict lifestyle. The main things are 1) Kosher: specific foods and ways they are prepared. Limits 99.9% of available food options down to a handful or kosher supermarkets and restaurants around the world. 2) Shabbat: no phone, cars, technology or electrics at all for 24 hours, every Friday night. 3) general day to day: this includes prayers (have to go to a synagogue) 3 times a day, Talmudical studies every day and just behaving "like a Jew" and acting in a Jewish way of life which is hard to explain.

The problem I have is a combination of I can't be bothered and I don't believe in Judaism or any religion/God for that matter. The bigger problem is that I can't do anything about it.

There is an ideology that religion makes sense to follow because you give up a tiny part of your life and could get everything you've ever wanted + more back. It's essentially low risk - big reward. This doesn't work in Judaism. It's too much of your life. Your entire life is dedicated and centred to/around the faith, at least as an ultra orthodox Jew. This vastly differs from other religions that may be more of a "feeling" or an idea with little to no actual action. Judaism is 24/7/365.

For the last few years I've been in yeshiva - Talmudical college. The best comparison is intense Sunday school for 18+ yo. Learning and studying religious texts, just for the sake of it, 15 hours a day 6 days a week, with the 7th day being Shabbat.

In public I'm a solid Jew. Not the best but levels above most. From a very orthodox home and a big religious well known in the community family. In private, however, it's a different story. I have kept Shabbat for 6+ years. For a rough understanding of how serious this is as a Jew, back in the day you would be executed for this. One of the few commandments you get the death penalty for. But as I said I'm done with it all and don't believe it. The truth is you could prove to me 100% Judaism/God is real/correct and I still couldn't be bothered. It makes no sense, I know. And to emphasize again, Judaism isn't by the by, it's a full time way of life. There's no half in half out, bad today, good tomorrow. It's 100% in or 100% out. The hardest part is the future. I have to marry and have kids and follow in Judaism. I just cannot imagine doing that, living my whole life literally as a lie.

Now onto the existentialism.

Given my beliefs, or lack thereof, something clicked half way during school and I more or less gave up. Since I find everything useless and pointless, what's the point of working hard in school. I did terribly in school. By no means am I dumb, I'm well above average intelligence, I just didn't care and had no reason to. In hindsight that was unbelievably stupid. In any case I know have no solid long term career options that lead to the lifestyle I want.

So basically, unhappy in life with no viable future.

Why don't I just abandon Judaism? Unfortunately, it's not something you abandon easily. It's a community so tight knit everyone knows everything about everyone. I also come from a rich, big, well known family and if I left Judaism the humility and shame and pain it would bring them would be astronomical. I don't like to toot my own horn but it would be the talk of the community for quite some time. For those reasons ending it all is just not an option - I couldn't do that to my family.

The lifestyle I want. I know how selfish it sounds but the only thing that interests me is money. The ability to do whatever you you want with no one controlling you, no one stopping you. My extended family is Uber rich. Talking grandparents worth around a $1b and a fair few uncles and extended family members worth (significantly) upwards of $50m. As a Jewish family and all of them being ultra orthodox we are all "close". We live in the same city, we see each other often and regularly there's family weddings/bar mitzvahs every couple of weeks. That's my extended family. My own family is not filthy rich but definitely not on the poor side. We have a nice house, nice cars and go on nice holidays every year. Never had a worry about money but at the same time we're not splashy. It's the definition of I have everything I could ever need plus more but definitely not everything I want. If I need new clothes, sure no problem. If I "need" new designer clothes, absolutely not. Not necessary. Essentially nothing extravagant but not on the low end either.

Back to issue at hand, with my poor performance in school I now realise leading the lifestyle my family and extended family do just simply won't be possible. And as egotistical as it sounds, I'm not looking for less.

In fact one of the best things about being Jewish is the community means that getting jobs through connections is easier. Knowing a guy who knows a guy is always helpful. I lose all of that if I leave Judaism.

To wrap things up:

I don't enjoy life. I have little to no career options leading to the the lifestyle I want without religious connectios. I don't believe in religion or God and even if it was proven to me I just cannot be bothered for it. I cannot fathom continuing life with a wife and kids whilst "faking" being Jewish. At the same time I cannot leave Judaism as I leave behind any viable jobs and careers. I also can't put that pain/shame/humiliation onto my family which is the same reason why I can't jump.

Honestly, it feels like the best way out would be to die in a plane crash or the like. No worries for me, no humiliation to the family and a lot less pain then death by suicide.

I'm unsure whether or not to speak with a therapist. I'm broke, and AFAIK they're not free. So that would have to be paid for by a family member. That wouldn't be a problem at all if I would just ask them. I'm just not sure asking them and explaining everything would be worthwhile given I cannot see a way out of this and can't see a solution that any therapist could help with in which case, why tell the family.

If you've made it until here well done and I apologise. This is equally a rant and a call for help. I have no idea what to do. I barely touched onto the existentialism of it all, I'll save that for another time.

I cannot leave and I cannot stay. I'm stuck.

Help.

im only 17, and i was raised in a country where islam is predominant. i've even went to islamic school. its basically been around me my whole life. so im just looking to hear a completely unbiased opinion on how i should go on about this, but im not sure where to go either. i deem myself very logical, and im too skeptical to rely on spiritual guidance. i cant inherently change this mindset, so i've listened to suggestions started practicing religion to try and manifest a connection with god by my actions. but then its cognitive dissonance because i cant bring myself to trust it. i realized that cognitively i would never change, and if i do find sincere faith someday, i'll still end up spiralling into skepticism all over again. after that, i befan looking for my own meaning. i have been and always will continue questioning what can't be perceived with the naked eye or be proven. but this means struggling with the mismatch with the people around you. hearing a friend passionately explain and elaborate on islam and its spiritual aspects brings up loads of questions running in my mind, and it hurts my head because i cant say them out loud, nor do i want to, but its overwhelming. especially so when, hearing them diss out people who dare to question certain aspects to faith when "its not their place to do so". i am fervently logical and skeptical and i respect myself for staying true to myself, but it ultimately creates this dissonance between me and the people i love. ive gotten personally upset over it countless of times. i sometimes truly wish i wasn't like this, and i wish i could collectively tune in and believe along with the masses. western worldviews tells me to embrace being skeptical, and i wholeheartedly believe that is the best for me. but then again i care about the people around me too much to simply let myself *be myself.

There was some interesting discussion around my last post Life is A Battle Against Entropy, but nothing really powerful enough to shatter that belief for me, or even reframe it in a particularly motivating way. However, after diving down that rabbit hole once again to look for flaws in my logic, I've reemerged with a rather different conclusion. Bear with me...

It turns out that, yes, of course entropy always increases, but there is good reason to believe that systems evolve to maximise the rate of entropy production. This is called the Maximum Entropy Production Principle (MEPP) [1, 2, 3]. You could equally say that systems trend towards increasing consumption of free energy. But wait... increasing consumption? Isn't that what economists call "growth"?

It's not too difficult to see in nature. Plants grow towards the light, bacteria replicate to consume their available food source, humans populated the globe, and rich people progress from sportscars to super-yachts to private jets and one day probably private space craft too, all along the way burning more free energy, faster. The MEPP not only explains why life is so greedy, but also why individuals are so lazy: efficiency makes more energy available for growth.

If the MEPP is correct, and all living things seek growth, then staying alive is just a means to an ends. For me, this is a significant improvement. There are many spaces you can grow into. It doesn't have to be wealth or status. Science, music and art count too. Also of course, family and social connections. Seeking to grow in your chosen fields, whatever they may be, seems a lot more worthwhile than just fighting off death as long as you can.

Just a thought. I'm particularly interested to hear opposing views.

[1]: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7712552/
[2]: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC10047248/
[3]: https://www.mdpi.com/1099-4300/17/8/5522

I recently came to terms with the idea that we’re all going to die and it’s tripping me tf out.

I’m 27 and in college right now taking biology , psych and sociology and it has got me thinking we’re nothing but cells and chemical reactions (chemistry, of which I barely understand).

I came to this conclusion of death and it has been ruining my life for the past week. I’m sulking 24/7 I’m trying to find joy and happiness in things. Trying to live in the moment but the fear of the death of me comes into play multiple times a day. I am having full blown panic attacks.

Example I’ll just be in the car driving see another car I’ll think to myself we’re all gonna die. Everyone driving these cars around me, everyone I know and myself included. I’ll get that lump in my throat and my eyes will start to water up and I feel like I can’t breath. I’ve been trying breathing techniques to calm down. But man this is crazy.

I honestly don’t know how everyone else isn’t freaking out. We’re all in this social structure doing things that don’t really mean anything. I had to plan for my next semester at college today and I can’t even focus on anything because I’ve been having panic attacks during class. My eyes hurt from crying.

How can I focus on my future knowing I’m going to die and it could happen AT ANY TIME.

I wanted to go back to college because I’ve been tired of making not shit money and wanted a career but I just don’t know anymore. I have a child too I feel horrendous he’s going to die one day too and I’m not going to be with him his whole life. I say a quote that said “you only know your parents part of their life, and they know you all of yours”

Why the fuck are we here, to live to die?That’s insane like honestly. You know 94% of the population that has lived is DEAD. I feel like for how long humans have been here we must be doing something wrong.

How have we not evolved or even have technology advanced further to help us live longer or even indefinitely. I hope there’s a force or different species out there just watching us, waiting on us to figure out the reason we’re here.

Sorry for rambling.

Nowadays, everything seems to revolve around instant gratification: from fast delivery of products to social media that provides us with a constant dose of entertainment. However, I wonder if this constant pursuit of quick satisfaction might be affecting our mental health and our ability to find deeper happiness.

Have we become less patient with long processes, like learning something new or healing emotionally? How can we find a balance between enjoying modern conveniences and appreciating the things that take time and effort?

Questions for the community: What methods or habits have you tried to be happier or at peace? Did they work or were they just temporary fixes? I'd love to hear your experiences and advice!

Perhaps it's just a depressive episode as usual, as I might genuinely be suffering from depression and am waiting for an official diagnosis with medication, but I really need to say that. Life has no meaning whatsoever. All of us need to die and everything needs to be destroyed. I hate to say it, but nothing serves any purpose. Emotions are just chemical reactions, consciousness is just energy, love is just a feeling someone has in order to mate with another or create a pack (not to mention a chemical reaction as well), plus we have no idea why we're here and what we need to do. It's terrifying to think of it that way, and every time I try to prove something else, it just backfires. I really hope someone sees this, because I'm very afraid that I might not make it to Friday to get my diagnosis, after all...

I absolutely want to know, how do you guys manage to get over these things? How can you be happy when you know that it's just your brain playing tricks to you? How do you not feel as if you're just a walking mass of organs and meat, that just happened to live? How can anyone ever be happy in this world?

I'm 17 and I've had feelings of worthlessness and a lack of meaning ever since I became capable of coherent thought. Starting in 4th grade I researched and shortly devoted myself to a number of religions. Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Wicca, Luciferianism, etc. But none of it ever made logical sense to me. I've always thought it was so fucking stupid to believe in religion because it made no sense. My dad believed in the Christian "God," but my mom was an atheist so I never had any sort of religious background. I've asked my dad why he believed in religion but ultimately his explanation boiled down to "people were generous to me and I've seen miracles" and I don't understand why people always use this argument for God's existence. Why can't you just believe in the good of people? Why can't you believe in... Coincidence? Why does every good thing that happens to someone have to be some sort of blessing from God? And what about the people who weren't so lucky? Who's odds weren't in their favor? Was god just not there for them? I do not understand the complete lack of logic that religious people have. I assume it's the fear of their lives having no objective value or meaning. I have that fear, but I can't just make myself into a religious person. I don't understand how you can just say "I believe in this thing!" And then become so faithful that you reject all logic. My dad has always been extremely logical and intelligent but it all falls flat whenever he mentions God. I've had suicidal thoughts since I was very young as well, because if there's no point of me being here, why suffer? I've always tried to distract myself with things like video games, YouTube, hanging out with friends or family, but that doesn't outweigh the dread I always have hanging in my chest and dragging me down everywhere I go. I've tried giving my life it's own meaning, I've tried to embrace the absurd and focus on the good things. But nothing works. All of these methods of finding ways to give your life meaning falls flat for me. There's always a profound sense of dread lurking above me. This thing I want to buy? It's not mine, I don't actually own anything. This person I'm friends with? They're going to die and be forgotten. My mother who I love more than anything? My Dad who I love dearly? They will die too. And no one I love will experience a good ending to their lives. Me? I won't either. I won't experience a happy end. The entire world will cease to exist billions of years into the future and this will all have been for nothing. Objectively there is no meaning to life or anything we do. There is no morality, there are no ethics. If you're going to experience suffering and the suffering outweighs the positive, what's the point? Nothing matters, and that makes me sad. Everything people suggest to do in order to cope with this reality have not helped. My own perspective cannot change the objective truth. Humans are so selfish to believe that they are any more special than the infinite number of universes and dimensions that exist. And I'm just as bad as them, I'm just self-aware about it. I'm scared of death, I don't want to die, but death is everywhere, and that makes me sad. I wish I could live forever, but also, living forever sounds like endless torture. I don't know what my point of posting this was, I just wanted to throw this out there. I've never really written down how I think about things and I don't think I'll ever be able to express the full extent of my thoughts. I just would like to hear that I'm not the only one who thinks this way. I know I'm not alone in this, but just hearing/reading that I'm not alone would be nice. Btw, I'm not suicidal, I'm medicated and afraid. Just a little coward

So l'm sitting in bed at my hotel, I had currently taken a hit off of a "special" pen. I'm sitting in my bed and I'm watching Outer Banks. It seems like part of the show connected with my reality and he tried to help me escape from the current simulation that I'm in. It felt as if I were being controlled and in someone else's brain sitting in a simulation cage, it feels as if different people have been put into this perspective of life to farm human problem-solving skills, such as coincidental situations. It felt like someone was trying to speak with me telepathically and trying to help me escape from the simulation. ( maybe an alien of the same species as mine) This could go one of two ways one I'm being farmed for problem-solving skills as a human because Al realize that humans are inefficient and that we're only useful for our power and problem-solving skills. Or that it was some sort of imprisonment and that I did something wrong to be in the situation that I was in. The telepathic communication had tried to convince me that the air-conditioning unit on the wall was lowering the transmitter that controlled my thought process, and I was able to for a split second split back into the reality that I was already in. I can't tell if I'm in real life or these perspectives are real. Usually these type of pens, make people dumber and less oriented towards what's happening with them in reality but I think every time that I use things like these it helps me understand what's actually happening. I originally thought that I was in some sort of Truman show, but it comes to reality that this seems more realistic. What are your thoughts?

And I don’t know what to do anymore.

Inferno Canto ll

Self-sabotage stops us from releasing our desires in life. I get feelings like I can't achieve my greatness, and I start sabotaging myself unconsciously. When I realize that fear is not real, but a projection of my mind, I understand that fear is an illusion that prevents us from perceiving the world and ourselves as we truly are.

The fear paralyzes, especially the fear of personal growth projects. 

In this passage of “The Divine Comedy” in the Inferno Canto ll  Dante recognizes the common human fear as a weakness that stops people from achieving endeavors. 

“Poet who guides me, look first to see if my strength is sufficient to take the lofty step you entrust to me..."

“Like someone who renounces what they previously wanted and changes their purpose due to a new thought, the same happened to me on that dark slope. For reflecting, I abandoned the enterprise I had started with such ardor."

“Your soul is full of pusillanimity, of that fear which so often hinders men and makes them abandon noble endeavors, like a beast before its own shadow. To free you from these fears..."

Dante talks about life’s struggles and fears, but how do we deal with the existential fear of growing as people? I consider fear as a part of our personal growing

Bonjour. This post is for clarifying few thoughts and seeking answers for myself. I would be really happy if i could get some advice from whoever reading this post. Just 32 hours before I had my weekly french class. I'm a beginner level student in french (A2). I'm an asian kid,, I live in france now, french seems pretty tough for me since the first day but i'm always so interested in learning this language cause I just loved it and i find french so beautiful and interesting. Fast forward to now, so I had my french class recently, at last half an hour of the class, we had one group activity of three people, like we have to form sentence with subject , verb and turn the sentence to negative. Pretty simple , isnt it? but guess what I'm really bad in group activitites. I hate group activities. To my luck my best friend was also in my group (who i think is pretty good in french). Even tho the task is simple, my mind stopped working midway for some reason. I couldnt able to process what is happening, i suddenly forgot the meaning of simple french words. My mind litreally froze. My teacher was trying explain to me, but guess what i couldnt understand single word of what she is saying. Ofcourse, she is talking in french but this time, i didnt understand a single word. Like what happened to me i asked myself. My best friend wrote the sentences down in paper to make me understand and i forced my mind so hard to understand the task but my brian said 'nope, not today'.

It was so worse, that when my friend said the word "lait" i was litreally thinking what that word means, but the fact i know what it is , how the pronounciation is, but still at that moment, i blinked my eyes and i was so blank. I know I'm still a beginner but that was really embarassing , awkward , frustrating and tiring half an hour for me. Is it cause of tiredness? does that mean I have to work harder? is it cause i have got tired my classes and the regular mundane routine, that my brain said 'enough' at that moment? Maybe I'm just overthinking, but that moment was more than just a messed up french class. I always wonder is there anyone in this world who feel the way i feel. My french teacher played a song called "la liste" by rose to learn verbs and words. It was an amazing song. The singer litreally sings about the things she wants to do with the person she loves and also sings about the things she love. At that moment i didnt learn french. When she sang, "Aller à un concert, Repeindre ma chambre en vert, Boire de la vodka, Aller chez Ikea, Mettre un décolleté, Louer un meublé, Et puis tout massacrer", i wished only life could be this simpler and peaceful.

After that class, my best friend asked me am i okay? and tried to make me feel better, and we'll learn french together after our exams are over and not think too much about it. But it was awkward. I waa drowned in silence in my room for next 24 hours. I didnt listen to any music. Even tho I loved "la liste" i was hesitating to listen to it. People may think i'm dramatic and overthinking, but this is how i think and how i felt. I wish i could wander around the french streets with ice cream in my hand , with no worries and carefree. I wish i dont think too much about learning french in french class but instead learn naturally from random people and strangers on the streets. There are lot of things i want to say but i feel like thoughts keep pouring out of my mind. I guess it's "c'est la vie" !

I have some troubles with the concept of God and I don't know how to define it. I'd like to hear your view on the definition of God outside of religion, of course.