My two year old daughter received a mysterious letter addressed to her. There was no return address, just the name "Walter" written in the from spot.

Walter was my childhood cat's name, so it's clearly likely my mom trying to...idk...sneak a letter to her?

I went no contact with my mom about a year ago because of the way she was treating my daughter (not even getting started how she treated me). There have been zero attempts from her in that time.

I feel very ick about this letter and how it was addressed in a sneaky way.

Maybe I should have opened it..... Maybe I should have seen what it was about and given itt a chance.....but I threw it away.

TW: abuse, alcohol, depression, natural disaster

Estranged from my mother for nearly 3 years. No contact other than the occasional text from her letting me know what a horrible child I am- after about the first month I stopped responding. She bashed me on Facebook, tried to sabotage my relationship with my dad (her ex).. the list goes on. I cut ties after years of emotional manipulation. The straw that broke the camel's back was Christmas, my child's first Christmas. I'm in the pit of postpartum, literally weeks removed from a near mental breakdown. My 1.5 month old is crying, I can't handle it, I take baby to the bathroom (the only place I could go with a lock and some quiet.) Mom flips her lid, slamming doors, screaming, cussing my spouse and making them leave.

That after years (starting in my teens) of encouraging me to drink and f around because I was a total drag. Was always too dorky, too fat, too ugly, too embarrassing and not smart enough (I chose a degree/ profession she thought required no skill and had no clout)... Then when that didn't work, she'd sick my stepdad on me. Pin me down, cuss me, throw things at me, destroy items of value, threaten to kick my ass for her.

She recently lost nearly all her personal belongings in the floods. I reached out after a friend of hers begged me to. I let her know I was sorry and was glad she was safe. Knowing she lost some special items, I reached out to someone who could replace them.

She became upset when items I still had in the home (that I honestly forgot about) weren't damaged. Think baby pictures, highschool cap and gown, etc. She'd text letting me know how wrong it was that my things weren't ruined. Finally she let me know she didn't need me in her village and I could be updated on Facebook....

Then the delivery of the sentimental items happened. She doted on the person for being so thoughtful. The public social media post has a photo of the card where the person lets her know I had arranged the entire thing.

She's not contacted me since the text about her village. I didn't expect a thank you because to her I'm a horrible child. But I love my mom. And man does it hurt to feel like your mom is gone, but she's still living.

I've had a hard time with this lately as I communicated for the first time in years, and my child has started asking the "who is your mommy/daddy?" Questions and honestly when she asks who my mom is, all I can think of to say is her name and then change the subject as quickly as I can. My child has asked "who's that?" Lately after my answer.I was at a point where I thought I had accepted it all.

What do you do when you miss the thought of having a mom?

I was the only one left in my family who celebrated Día de los Muertos (Mexican day of the dead). The rest of my family made fun of me for it because they're soooo American now and I'm so cringe. I was raised by my grandparents, including my Indigenous grandpa who raised me in his culture when I was little. But he kept it secret, he went to Catholic school and learned to be ashamed of his culture. Sometime around when I was 9-10 he stopped. Little by little, he would make fun of me in front of others saying I was dumb for believing in "that Indian bullshit". Part of what he taught me was he used to believe trans folk were spiritual leaders. He said we were born to be sages and peacekeepers between the genders. Then one day, he wanted the government to hunt us down and exterminate us.

I went NC this year. I don't regret it, but today was my first DDLM alone. I was always alone but this year hurt different. It used to feel like my duty as the only trans person in the family. Today, I couldn't do it.

I had a fibromyalgia flare up and couldn't cook. Then I couldn't put up the pictures of my great grandparents, because I couldn't stop thinking about how they hurt my grandparents so bad they learned to hurt their children+me. I couldn't put up the picture of my birth mom's parents, because I left her behind. I couldn't put my aunts and uncles on the ofrenda (altar), because they were my grandparents' siblings.

I put my childhood cat and the pregnancy i lost when I was 12 on the ofrenda with some cookies and incense. It's all I could muster today. I started to cry after, then I dissociated. It's different this year and it hurts. I don't know how to end this, I just needed to process what happened verbally.

So, I had to leave the house with nothing more than a few changes of clothes, when I moved out years ago. I did sneak out with the jewelry that my grandmother had given me, as a heirloom.

I am VLC, because I don’t feel safe going NC, until I move to a different town.

I also stayed behind to help my siblings get out. I have since learned that my siblings aren’t remotely interested in getting out of the enmeshed family dynamic, that my friends have described as cult-like.

Since I see my family of origin on the holidays-I have begun just packing my car as full of stuff, as I can. When my abusers tried to stop me I told them to call the cops-I’d just love to see them explain themselves.

A lot of the heirlooms gifted to me have been purposefully ruined.

My siblings talk about me taking stuff out of the house in a passive aggressive manner.

It’s telling that there is no “possessive” words used.

I am always “taking the stuff out of the house”-I am never taking “my” or “your” stuff out of the house.

It’s such an odd way of speaking that it truly speaks volumes.

What are your thoughts on the matter?

(PS My siblings are all adults who never moved out.)

I (late 20s) saw somebody earlier writing on how their family does not accept them being trans, and that motivated me to remake a reddit account just to post this.

Everybody in my family constantly has had to walk on egg shells around my grandparents (late 70s to early 80s can't quite remember), due to grandpa's proneness to rage and shouting, and grandma suffering from heart problems, which made it so that nothing could ever be talked about around her, if it was something she disapproved of.

For example, I mentioned to my grandma one time that I had run out of ADHD meds, and was still waiting for my prescription to come through, so I was feeling loopy and out of it. The next day I was scolded by my younger aunt (late 30s), Kate, that I couldn't say those things around grandma, because she ended up not sleeping, and was making her anxious.

Every time something fell outside the predefined mold my grandma had imagined for any of her daughters or grandchildren, it caused her to spiral.

At some point I let my parents know I was a trans woman and would be starting hrt. The reaction initially was mixed, but they have since come around, being extremely supportive. In an initial panic, my mom told her middle sister, Anya (early 40s) about my queerness, which I don't hold against her.

Anya got in touch with me and kept it pretty civilized, with very loving words, that I should talk in person with her, and maybe the two of us could travel alone somewhere and bounce ideas (red flags??... Foreshadowing yes). Long story short, I got pretty uncomfortable with somebody trying to isolate me from all my friends and partner at such a sensitive time, and suspiciously enough trying to push me to go to therapy and explore "alternatives" as I am not trans according to her. In the middle of all of this, she also sneaked in that I couldn't transition because I had to think of my grandparents. Oh yeah, I did not mention, they are very Catholic, so y'know...

A few months passed and my partner and I went back to my hometown to try and come clean to my grandparents and clear the air. My mom tried to devise a plan with us to try to make it go as smoothly as possible, and we agreed that it would perhaps be better to get Kate up to speed, as we could use the extra person on our side.

Aaaand Kate did not take it well, she said what I was doing was unnatural, that there are too many LGBT people coming out, and we all just demand to be respected, without respecting other people's beliefs, how I was going to confuse her daughters (a young child and a preteen), how she didn't understand, and how my grandparents wouldn't accept it. But the biggest banger was comparing my transition with a man dressing up as a dog and pretending to be a dog. Eeesh.

After this confrontation, Anya blew up my phone after Kate told her what happened and proceeded to misgender me, call me deranged, and a selfish radical (??) because I wanted to tell my grandparents I was Trans. She also slut shamed me on a message she quickly unsent afterwards, but not before I saw it on my notifications tray.

When I confronted Kate at a later date on why her kids would be confused she answered that she was teaching traditional family values to her kids, and how a family is between a man, a woman, and the children. Oh yeah, little detail, she joined her husband's weird church in her early 30s and feels like a completely different person to be around.

With all of these happenings I decided to go NC with my aunts and grandparents, since my aunts kept on trying to gaslight me and try to get my mom to help me understand that they love me and that I am only taking into consideration the bad things they said, and not the good ones... Which... holy shit, I can't even

Fucking clown Circus eh? There's so many details I had to leave out, since this post was already going off rails.

I guess this is kind of about politics so please um if it is offensive or against the rules I’m sorry I read them but it said nothing about this not being allowed.

I’ve been estranged from my dad for about 3 years, extremely low contact (maybe a text every few months) with my mother.

I see my grandma once or twice a year maintaining contact calling maybe weekly, though.

My parents were pro Trump in 2016 and 2020, I voted like my parents in 2020. Since then, I’ve moved out and learned a lot. I just voted for Harris.

When I moved out, a lot happened. My parents took away my health insurance (removing me from the policy) to “teach me a lesson.” My dad tried actually charging me like $2000 and then $150 a month under the condition of sharing my location with him and if he ever loses my location he’d remove me from the policy. Hell no.

I’ve pretty much learned my parents are kind of crazy after being away from them and estrangement. I feel so much better especially not living with my controlling dad and even have nightmares about him.

Also, my parents say they aren’t racist, but basically are oblivious to the fact that they kind of are. They are the kind of people that think you can be racist to white people in the US.

I still have issues with how I view women. For instance, as soon as I turned 14, I was forced to be injected with a nexplanon and it was terrible. I have trouble when I see women in more showing clothing, like obviously they are just people, but because of how judgmental my parents were, sometimes I hear that judging voice in my head sometimes. Or even say it. I am aware of this though and I am really trying my best to be more pro-women and less judgmental. I know clothing is just what someone wears. My parents constantly made fun of women for what they wore, how they looked, etc.

Anyway. My parents aren’t that great but my mom has always been more human than my dad who is like. Terrible. I tried explaining to her how awful trump would be and all of the stuff that’s bad about him and she voted for him again.

Oh and to mention, my dad lost his jobs and the policy I would’ve been on he lost anyway. Then my mom forced him to put me on the new one. Then my mom apologized and said they should’ve never removed me after like not covering me for 2 years. And that my mom made my dad not charge me for it now.

I explained how trumps plans are to get rid of the ACA etc, and I’m literally chronically ill and have a lot of health issues which is why it’s so important to me. I should’ve mentioned that earlier. And they known I been chronically ill. Literally when I got diagnosed my dad didn’t believe it (also they are anti-covid) and finally did after over a year of my initial treatment. (I finally also got my covid vaccines but my parents never did).

Anyway.. I forgot where I was. Basically I tried explaining he wants to charge more for people like me that have preexisting conditions and my mom voted for trump anyway. Like really? You want me to believe you changed from taking my health insurance then giving it back two years later and then voting against people like me. I’m like… ok.

Anyway I talk to my grandma often and I tried explaining everything to her (she has health issues and social security and Medicare) and used IVF and she literally voted for trump. Like are you kidding me. I told her the same thing about the ACA and she said it doesn’t affect her bc she gets it for free. LIKE IT AFFECTS ME. AND OTHERS.

I am just annoyed because I’ve pretty much lost my family which I’ve accepted mostly but I talk to my grandma often and have to see her soon and I just feel sad when I talk to her and she still voted for him. She didn’t even get to graduate high school so I’m like I can’t blame her because how trump targets his voters. Idk I’m just sad.

Does anyone have advice I feel so sick and scared about the future and sad about my grandma not understanding.

A family member suggested I do therapy with my sperm donor in order to “move forward.” By “move forward,” I assume they mean sweep everything under the rug so the rest of my family can stop having to hear my sperm donor complaining about the estrangement, etc. My sperm donor hasn’t even done therapy by himself or meaningfully reached out to me to express any sort of remorse or real desire to reconnect. At this point, I couldn’t care less if I never speak with him again.

Not necessarily looking for advice, just venting about the sheer ridiculousness.

For context, I presume everyone's familiar with the reality TV show Pawn Stars, but did anyone else here ever watch Hardcore Pawn? (Original Run: Aug. 2010 to Apr. 2015)

Granted, the show and cast are certainly not everyone's cup of tea, and I freely admit there are some problematic and less-than-tasteful elements, as well as ambiguity over how much footage is candid vs. staged! That said, even after all these years, I do occasionally go back and watch old scenes/clips: Largely for the entertainment element...

...but also the rare cathartic moment. To wit, the brief 2-min. clip linked below:

• Hardcore Pawn - Rule Breaker Tries To Score Camera -- long story short, the would-be thief tries to inconspicuously slip the device into his hoodie's pocket, but the manager's having NONE of it! 🤣

However, entertainment and amusement aside, the sketchy shoplifter is more than a little bit reminiscent of estranged parents, plus other toxic relations, who struggle with "consent" and "boundaries." While people such as ourselves may understand that "no is a complete sentence," apparently this dude did not get the memo -- as he tries to browbeat and intimidate the manager into capitulating.

First, he starts with the "why?" and "why not?" demands, again much like any toxic/abusive parents whose (under-18 or adult) offspring has ever asserted a boundary or refusal. Then, he begins to push, needle, and argue while attempting to make the manager participate in his "endless JADE-ing" trap, yet it leads to this exchange that I absolutely *LOVE:

• Sketchy Thieving Creep: (snarky, indignant tone) "But it makes no [bleep sound] sense! I'm going to buy the camera..."
• No-Nonsense Manager: (firm, assured tone) "You know what? The best part of being the owner of this place: It doesn't have to make sense to everybody, as long as it makes sense to ME!"

😁🔥 burn! 🔥😁 Right?!

I thought of this, in fact, while reading the "Estranged Parents and Boundaries" section of Issendai's website, specifically the part about parents who balk and cry foul about boundaries -- responses ranging from questioning and attacking their validity and reasons, to outright refusals to abide by them -- just because they do not even recognize such boundaries, terms, and personal standards as legitimate, to begin with! 😡

To the contrary, they see their offspring's boundaries and personal standards -- as children, teens, OR fully-grown legal adults -- to be disputable and negotiable, not to mention completely violable. In their minds, "NO" is not a sentence at all, but merely the opening salvo in what (according to their beliefs) should be a debate or "federal case" 💯 Including, amongst other things, the assumption that a boundary should have to "make sense" to them, as a precondition to be recognized or respected, or even acknowledged at all...

Regardless, remember Seth the Pawnbroker's wise words: "It doesn't have to make sense" 🙏

When I was a child I lived with my mother, who was a prostitute and struggled with crack addiction. The situation got so bad CPS intervened and I moved out Valentines day that year. I didn't hear from her until late high school and I attempted to have a relationship with her. She never apologized or attempted to address what she did to me. Only through therapy have I come to terms with my SA, binge disorder that comes from severe malnourishment under the age of 4, and the many other horrible things that happened to me under her care. I stopped talking to her again about six years ago. I'm doing great with not contacting her and I've changed numbers to keep her away from me. Aside the occasional rude comment from my older brother she no longer crosses my mind.

Now, I come to the sequel. My father took custody when my mother lost her rights and I went to live with him full time. He was in a marriage with a second baby on the way. That household was stressed out. I only discovered a couple years ago that the divorce wasn't from the huge strain but due to my Dad cheating on his wife. He once told me that I was the reason for the divorce. Dad raised me on fear and threats. I had to tip toe through the house until I no longer lived there to avoid his wrath. He ended up getting an equally awful girlfriend. To give her context she's backhanded me from giving her a dirty look and kicked me out on Christmas Eve because she was "afraid of being alone in the house with me". Dad was going on a business trip starting Christmas night. My Dad backed her up in helping to get me kicked out. He barged into my bedroom and grabbed my shirt and lifted me up against a wall. He was choking me. Both of us are large, tall men and it took restraint not to strike back. He screamed until he became red, "what's your problem!", "I'm tired of your bullshit!". I had to pack my things and live in my car a few nights, one night I slept in the family business, and some friends offered me warmer places to sleep once they knew about it.

Anyways, his anger is explosive and he is severely narcissistic. He has this constant need to be macho. I remember warning him about how if he kept treating us like this when we were children that none of us would speak to him anymore. I've chosen to stick around because my youngest sister still lives at home and she's part of a package deal. Now that she's about to move to college I feel like now's the time. The last time I cut a parent off my family was supportive because it was my drug addict mother. This time I'm not too sure I'll get that same comfort. I've mentioned being distant to some of my family before and they get really apologetic on his behalf. I've been "complaining about this my whole life" one of them said. It hurts to think that I might not have most of my family anymore but I can't continue to pretend everything is ok. I never feel at ease when I have to be in that house.

Feeling down about my life. Recently cut off my mother again, but have no close friends. Struggling to find community at work, and to feel like I’m being valued, even though I’ve been trying my best. Been feeling put down by one of my colleagues, and negatively compared to. Hurting inside, and unhappy in my romantic relationship.

Just wishing I could start over, but finding it hard to do in this economy. Lacking financial resources. Been trying to solve my own problems, but feeling so discouraged.

I don’t know how people are able to maintain toxic relationships with family.

made a recent post about having my mom at my wedding. a lot of you asked why i would even bother and recommended against it, and i made excuses for her. a wedding is still way in the future but she went and did something i consider very very hard to forgive and i realize everyone was right

what’s the point of trying so hard to understand her point of view, have empathy for her, when she never had any for me and never will? it’s all about her and her feelings. i was born to fulfill her emotional needs and when i couldn’t, because i was a little kid, she lashed out at me. she doesn’t respect my ‘no’ and never has. i’m so sad for the scared little girl and depressed teenager in me who didn’t have the family she deserved. i shifted to blame my dad for a lot of things because i know she was mentally ill but damn. she just had such little respect for me. i’m just not gonna tell her when i get married and focus on myself and my partner instead.

WHY do I feel the need to tell every single person I talk to about my dad? I am always embarrassed afterwards and I tell myself I'm not going to do it again. I can tell it makes people uncomfortable. How do I stop?

I blocked my grandfather from calling me on my phone. So instead of seeing his call, I saw, he left a voice mail today. I couldn't listen to it, but my SO did and they told me that it was a brief message of my grandfather telling me I should call him "if I'm brave enough".

I went NC a couple of months ago because my family does not accept of me being trans. Cutting them off was the last option I had after being ignored and having my boundaries crossed for years. Today I really feel why a lot of people advise others to not send that letter, we probably all wrote in one way or another. In my granddad's eyes, it is cowardly to write a letter, he implies I wasn't brave enough to tell him face to face. And frankly, he is right about that. But it is not about being brave. It's not about me being strong enough to face his anger, his condescending remarks, his abuse. There's nothing brave about putting myself in a hurtful position, just to show him.

Today I'm sad about this whole situation. I can't comprehend how a family would not accept their child, because of their gender. It's such a ridiculous thing to be so intolerant about. I tried so hard to make it work, through years and years of hiding, playing along, lying about my true self.

I'm finally brave enough, I'd rather be myself than play along.

The video was relatively short and I was just gobsmacked at the sheer entitlement of this sperm unit, along with his mistress, suing his own son and DIL because they weren't producing grandchildren on HIS DEMANDS!!!!

I was just horrified at the AUDACITY!!!!

Halloween always reminds me of my dad. He used to have this scream mat, that just let out a howl any time someone stepped on it, and he would hide it all over the house. It drove my stepsister insane. I still chuckle remembering the time he put it under the carpet in front of her bedroom. She was always a good sport about it, but she was so easy to get... and dad just never could resist. Dad was good at pranks. Dad was good at having a good time.

It's been 12 years since I talked to my dad. I've talked to my stepmom here and there, but not dad, and not my sisters. I lost my sisters when I went NC with dad. I don't fault them. He was a better parent to them, I guess. I'm glad they don't share my resentment. I do miss them, though.

12 years and I still wish things were different. I still wish I'd had a different relationship and a different dad... I miss a dad I never had in the first place. Lol. That's so ridiculous, but it's true. I miss an experience I never had. I envy people who are close to their fathers.

I dunno. Just bugs me... it's been over a decade and I still think about whether I did the right thing... I know I did, but it just doesn't always feel like it. I know in my head that I did the right thing and that I needed the space... but... I guess I never figured out what to put in the hole in my heart where my dad and his family used to be.

My mum is going through a divorce and has said some horrible things to me. 3 weeks ago she said I've fucked her off just like I fucked my dad off and that's why he doesn't talk to me. She also is seeing the neighbour now (after weeks of my dad leaving) and told me if I can't accept him then I'm not in her life anymore and that I'm 38 and I just need to grow up. This was all because I asked her to respect the fact I'm still grieving my dad having left and she keeps forcing her boyfriend into my life when I thought we were supposed to be spending time together, he's always there. I've said it's too much and for her to respect my boundaries. She reacts without empathy and blames me saying it "always has to be on your terms" etc.

Anyway, she knows I'm struggling with a house sale and it fell through today. She offered to buy me groceries and drop them off, which was very kind and I was grateful for. She dropped them off, listened to my problems for 10 mins and then goes into her problems with the divorce etc.

She also tells me I'm the reason why people leave my life and stop talking to me i.e. my siblings and my angry emails pushed them away. They were angry emails because I am frustrated that I am ignored and dismissed. Yet when my brother humiliates my in front of everyone on a family holiday and shoutwd at me calling me a "stupid bitch" she tells me to move on and let it go. It was 3 years ago, I didn't and still haven't received validation and an apology for the affect it had (my mum cried in the aftermath of that day and i was the one having to comfort her despite actually being the innocent party here). I was actually on anti-depressants at the time and struggling with my mental health. She even once said maybe I deserved it. Therefore my emails have been trying to express to everyone in the family how their actions have hurt me.

I told her to leave my house and that she doesn't learn. She doesn't respect my boundaries or apologise and we are done. I cannot have a relationship with any of my family members. I told her to get out.

I feel so manipulated, angry, upset, taken advantage of. My constant willingness to empathise and forgive keeps setting me back because she hasn't changed. None of my family care about me or want to change/be in my life and it hurts because I would do anything to re-build relationships if it were genuine.

I estranged myself from my dad when I was 12 or 13 for reasons involving my own safety and the fact he was physically abusive at times, waving a gun at my brother and I, drunk driving, y’all know the drill. My life improved in all sorts of different ways. Today I am 24 years old and I got to this point completely content with my estrangement, but I now have a half sister, my dad’s daughter. She seems like a sweet, cute, little kid and they are still telling her about me, I do not know to what extent but she has no ill feelings towards me. I’ve only met her once and she is 4 years old now. I need to be a part of her life because I know this embarrassment of a father is going to mess this up real bad, already divorced from her mother, just like my mom was. My half sister doesn’t hardly have a family on her mom’s side and my dad’s side is very enabling and content with my dad’s behavior so I’m afraid she will get seriously hurt, in any way, she won’t have anyone but me and my brother. How can I possibly approach this to be a proper big brother with minimal contact with our shared sperm donor? It’s so confusing.

TW: D*ug Use, OD

My mother has never been what you could consider a good parent. She had me when I was 16 and gave me to my great-grandparents.

My great grandmother began to lose use of her legs when I was about 6, which left me isolated as her main caregiver until I was 13. My entire family abandoned me and left me to give up my childhood to care for her.

When I was 13, I finally made a call to my mother and told her I wanted to be with her. And she made all of these promises and none of them came to light. She mocked me for having different interests, yelled and screamed all day, kept horrible ass men around and was just…not a nice person. I lived with her for four years, until she went back to prison in 2007.

Fast forward many years and I go to college. She skips out on my wedding, cusses me out on Facebook in front of my in-laws and to this day has never seen me graduate any level of schooling. However, I always wanted my mom to accept me and love me and so I stood by her. I sent her money, completed job applications for jobs she never stayed at and dealt with her other horrible decision making. I helped her through her first addiction a few years back.

This summer I begin to notice a shift. She quit her job, which was a job with the government, lost her car, and began slowly asking me for money again after a good streak. One day she called and sounded like she was dying. I rush over there and find out she’s got a kidney infection, but something’s off. I see her balled up on the couch, there’s vomit on the floor and I know something’s up. I help take care of her anyway. The last time I saw her however, confirmed my suspensions. There were random people in her house, who I knew were drug users. She wasn’t herself and had lost a shit ton of weight.

A couple weeks later, I get an email letting me know that’s she’s been evicted. There was a court date she didn’t even show for. She was so high that she didn’t even call me on my birthday. Then I get a call from a hospital letting me know I can pick her up because she’s overdosed on an unknown substance and they’ve had to Narcan her to bring her back. At that point, I refuse to pick her up. And it was the hardest decision I have ever made.

Since then, she’s been blocked, but got a new number and has found a way to contact me and beg me not to leave her again. And in response, I have blocked that number. Not only has she contacted me, but I suspect my grandmother is trying to get me to deal with the entire situation on my own by trying to call me and give mundane updates. In my lifetime, my grandmother also left me to shoulder the burden of taking care of her mother (my great grandmother) and is now refusing to do anything for her daughter. Am I wrong for remaining estranged from my mom and considering low-contact with my grandmother. My heart is broken and I feel so guilty.

(TL; DR: After years of looking after my mother, she’s on drugs. I’m tired. Am I wrong for blocking her?)

I’m still not great at crying, and I still stonewall a bit too much by default. But now, these days, I feel a “big cry” approaching over a couple of days.

Today I just felt sad, and highly irritable. Halloweens are just… triggering, I guess? I felt so much joy as a kid on Halloween. Friends, candy, expressing myself, getting out of the house. Freedom.

So I really need to cry, but I just can’t. Instead, a “big cry” builds up for a day or two. Then, I sob it out and cannot stop for like 15-20 minutes or more. And it really freaks out my husband.

Anyone else deal with this? How to express it a bit better? Or do I just go ahead and have the big cry (and be out of commission for a half an hour)?

How was Halloween when you were a kid compared to now as an EAK?

--

Halloween was always my favorite holiday. It's a holiday outside the home. My parents had to be on their best behavior around other trick or treaters or my friends. It was the most time I got to spend around non-religious kids. And I don't remember the pressure to make the holiday look picture perfect.

Now I feel compelled to make sure the neighborhood kids have a good time. I enjoy seeing happy kids, even though I have no plans to have my own.

I read a post here earlier from someone asking if anyone else was estranged without there having been abuse. I'd like to share my own story to see if others have any insight or angles I haven't considered. This is a throw away account for obvious reasons.

My family was the nuclear type, parents only ever married to each other with two kids. Father was not absent, but perhaps distant throughout the vast majority of my childhood, but he'd be there for things like long summer camping trips, soccer games, school concerts, etc. My brother and were home schooled by my mother for a significant time (me for 3 years, my brother for 9-10ish), so we saw her much more than we saw him. When I moved out and went abroad to study and then to university on the far side of the country, my mother was always the main point of contact by phone, Skype and such. My father would occasionally pop in, but my mother was the one who'd reach out by and large and be there to talk.

After spending five-ish years working abroad after graduating from university, I made the choice to move back to my home country to do a master's. During the five years away, my brother went through cancer treatment where my mother spent the year with him where he was living to be there for him. The whole experience made me feel that I needed to be closer to home, but while I briefly entertained the idea of going to university in my hometown, I ultimately chose a school a couple hours' drive away so it was close but not too close. When I moved to my new city, I met my now husband. The first Thanksgiving I was back, I brought my partner home for the holidays. He then met them again at my mother's 60th birthday celebration. A little while later at Christmas, we made arrangements to come home again. My father drove to pick us up and all seemed good.

During the holidays, my father seemed off. My husband picked up on it immediately and said that he thought my father didn't like him. I brushed it off because my father had always been a little distant. He's diagnosed with some mental health disorders (not completely sure which ones) and has been on medication for them, so I chalked up a lot of his irregularities to that. My husband's birthday is a few days before Christmas, so my mother and I got him a cake to celebrate. I don't remember if my father was part of it, but if he was, it certainly wasn't a significant way. My husband's the child of a single mother and never met his father, so I was a bit miffed but still not yet concerned.

Christmas Eve rolls around and I think maybe I wanted to cook something fun for breakfast. My parents were up in their room and I went up to ask where to find something I needed. The moment is a bit of a blur, but I just remember my father sitting on their bed talking to my mother when I came into to ask about whatever it was. He said that now was not a good time. I guess I didn't quite get it, cause I think I asked again, at which point he stood up and yelled the same thing in my face, at which point he walked out, down the stairs, got in his car and drove away to god knows where. I was in absolute shock. That night, we went to Christmas Eve service, where I had an anxiety attack, then came home to a bunch of unwrapped Christmas presents just dumped under the tree unceremoniously. Christmas Day came and my father walled himself up in their room and we never saw him. A day or two later, my husband and I got in touch with a friend to come pick us up and take us home rather than staying the whole holiday period like we had meant to. That Christmas Eve was the last time I saw my father. I can't even enjoy Christmas anymore, which used to be my favourite holiday, and I always get extremely emotional around that time.

In the months following, my mother came to visit once or twice, and contact between them and I dropped and dropped. Every time I would talk to her, I would just be completely stunned at the way that she acted, as if nothing had happened. The elephant in the room just went unacknowledged and like I was just meant to continue interacting with her like the person she was married to and living with hadn't just nuked our family dynamic seemingly on a whim. Within a year, we made the decision to marry and move back overseas. I've been NC with them for probably around the last three years. I puzzled out in the end while we were still LC that my father's issue was apparently something to do with my husband's job, his clothes and his manner of speaking, but ultimately, I don't believe that any of those were excuses for what happened.

The whole episode was an eye opening catalyst for examining my entire childhood. I had my blinders on up until that point, but as soon as they came off, so many things started making more sense. The signs had always been there. The narcissistic personality, the enabling, the snobbery, the shallowness of the family dynamic, the unrealistic expectations. I was never abused physically. I'd like to make that very clear. I don't think I was abused emotionally either, but I do think that there was massive emotional unavailability and immaturity that exploded very suddenly. I'm also a rare case on this sub where they don't try to reach out and pull me back in. I'm not sure if that makes the whole thing hurt more or less. The ease with which they let me go was shocking. I received a very bizarre "apology" email from my father a few years after the incident that was full of half-hearted attempts at accountability and a bunch of absurd nonsense about his perspective of me as a person that was just completely false, as if he had constructed this false image of me, a child he had always had fairly low connection with, and then gotten angry about it. He referenced things I had done (which I hadn't) to talk about how he was disappointed in me and that explained his reaction. I'll post the email here later if anyone's curious cause that's a whole other layer of insanity.

Is it obvious that I can't afford therapy? I apologize for the insane word dump, but my poor husband is probably exhausted of hearing about this over and over again, and I don't really think I should burden friends with it. I'd love to hear others' take on it if anyone has any thoughts. Was I abused? Am I wrong for going NC over this? There's another layer to why I'm estranged from my father that happened after we went NC, but I don't want to add to this already long post. I have an old comment about it on my profile if anyone wants to click through.

Much love to everyone in this community. I always get some kind of solace from reading others' stories.

I’m using a throwaway as my main Reddit account is recognisable. I am a long time member and commenter of this fantastic sub.

Just posting to get this off my chest.

I have been NC with my parents for almost a year. It was a long time going after years of emotional neglect and abuse.

I was isolated as a child from friends and family. My mother had 8 siblings and fell out with 7 of them during my childhood. I had no relationships with aunts uncles cousins, and for a 6 year period my own grandparents (my mothers side). Those grandparents only lived about 2miles away and I adored them. It broke my young heart. During Covid they passed away and while I got to say good bye I didn’t recognise any of my extended family at the funerals. My mother was a bitter individual at the funerals.

It took me years to realise that she was the problem. She fell out with everyone. Any friend I tried to make at school was met with “their parents are cunts” Without contact during the summer months I missed out on many friendships. As an adult this has stunted my ability to make friends. But I’ve worked on that. Now I have 2 great friends.

I am now 30, I moved far away since the age of 18. I have a lovely home, partner, dogs and car. I have a great job. Nothing was good enough. When she visited me, she criticised it all. The house was tacky. The tiles that I picked, “angry”. The car was “shit”. The dogs were ugly. My father, he visited a whopping 3 times since I left home. I have been working up to NC for years but that started to send me over the edge.

I do not want to post the rest of my story, but when I was a child I used to hurt myself at the dinner table as I couldn’t cope with noises. They laughed at me and exaggerated the noises. I was in therapy for a long time with 2 suicide attempts AS A CHILD. I also had to endure my father’s father (my grandfather) watching porn in-front of me, as a child. I kept that to myself after telling my mother what he did. No consequences were faced.

In the past 2 years, my grandfather on my father’s side has been ill. In and out of hospital. They didn’t tell me. Last year when he had sepsis, I heard it through the grapevine. I seen red, I was livid. They could have told me. I sent a very straight text to my mother stating why I was pulling away from them after being asked. I put the blame on them both and I was met with a barrage of abusive messages. My favourite was that, “I live in a bubble!” (After the childhood of isolation!)

So I pulled the trigger. And I blocked them. And I never heard from them again. Slowly, my grandmother and grandfather stopped responding to me. I lost them too I thought. Until this week. My grandmother rang me in tears. Grandad is dying. Organ failure. Come up to the hospital please. Put everything aside with your parents. So I did. Begrudgingly, I drove up at night, coincidentally on my 30th birthday. I did this for my grandmother, who didn’t contact me since May. Why did I do this when my grandfather put me in an awful position as a child? I don’t know. Obligations I put on myself perhaps.

Well wasn’t I in for a shock. I wasn’t allowed in to the room as the nurses had him down for the night making him comfortable. I understand that completely, but my grandmother could have said that. I sat in a family room and my father who I have not seen in a year walks in. “great to see you OP!”

I waited for 3 hours as my grandmother said the nurse might come in and let you see grandad. The nurse never came, I think I walked into a trap. Everything is cold and I’m so so angry. But I make small talk, and I let the rage stay inside for my grandmother. My father talks to me about his trip to another continent. He talks about trees, gardening. I am sitting there going what the fuck. My grandmother knew that I wasn’t going to be able to see my grandfather. I bail at the early hours of the morning and drive home. I am livid absolutely livid. NC was broken momentarily and my father acted like everything was normal.

Now, I got a birthday card in the post from my parents, my mother’s hand writing “here’s to another great year” on the front of the card. She joined LinkedIn and viewed my profile. Never had I to use the block feature on LinkedIn before, but here we are.

It’s like the moment of seeing my father has made them think I am crawling back. I’m so angry. I feel obligated to go to the funeral now. But I won’t. I don’t want to see anyone that has caused me pain. But not going feels like I have lost my grandmother forever.

Thanks for the space to rant it out.

Sorry if the title is confusing. But I guess the whole being estranged and finding the right level of estrangement is a confusing journey.

I was LC for years with this person, but mentally I was not okay, every contact, however infrequent always brought up a lot of emotion. And I was a wreck, every single time.

Eventually I went completely NC. Life was calm, I got better, but I wasn’t completely at peace. People around me were somewhat supportive but I can tell it bothers them that I was NC. A part of me felt bad.

I’m not sure what triggered me last night but I got back in touch, after a lot of back and forth in my head over the last few months. I think the NC period healed me in a way I was never able to while I was LC that I stayed calm during the entire phone call. I still feel calm. I finally found peace I wasn’t able to while I was NC.

I can’t say this person changed but I guess the NC period made her less intense. And I was able to handle the usually triggering comments with more grace. Maybe because in a way, they were dead to me while I went NC. But the hurt wasn’t raw anymore. I think I can deal with LC while maintaining my mental health now. Not that I did this just to please other people, but the fact that people around me feel better about this new status quo makes me feel better too.

Obviously, this does not work for everyone and I’m not advocating to get back in touch. I just needed to share with people who understands

Some background:

I've been NC with my mom for 4 years now due to many reasons, mostly her inability to let me have y own life that she didn't influence, and also because she has conveniently forgotten physical and emotional violence and relationship issues.

My mom's half brother just passed away. Over my life I only saw my extended family on the holidays (Xmas and Thanksgiving) and didn't really interact with them outside of that. My uncle did come to my high school and college graduations, and I think he was at my wedding (that's a whole other awful mom story). In the years since I went N/C with my mom, my uncle and my aunt (his wife) tried to maintain some contact with me through emails. I had been invited to visit twice, which I did. I saw my uncle just last month.

So while I wasn't terribly close to my uncle, I do feel positive emotions towards him. They're having a small memorial for him next month and I'd like to go because it feels like the right thing to do - but my mom will be there.

My mom is very good at talking circles around me. I am good at expressing emotions in writing, but my mom is a charmer and everyone loves her because she's given her life to helping the disabled. Nobody knows that she hit me until I was 20 and started fighting back, or demanded I do things her way with my own home, completely destroyed wedding planning, and became of her I had a major meltdown that caused my fiance to basicaly physical cut me off. No hugs, no kisses, no sex, no touching. Even though I told her about this and how unhappy I was and wanted to call things off, she said, "You don't have much of a libido, so this isn't a big deal." She also told me how selfish I was for not giving her grandchildren. She is a manipulative ass who, despite telling me I was not allowed to date anyone black, says she's not racist.

I figure she will either confront me outside the service where no one can hear her shout at me, or tell me how disrespectful I am for not going to the service. I'm sure if I don't go, the rest of my family will not speak to me again. Well, really only my aunt and uncle were talking to me. Never heard from any of my cousins, which is fine.

I know that the right answer is probably not to go, but I want to be supportive to my aunt and also explain that I genuinely fear the manipulation my mom will lay on me. My mom is not trying to make things better. She's not getting therapy (in the beginning I suggested family therapy, but then she wouldn't let me know any information about the "therapist" (like name and phone number) and insisted I could only schedule appointments through my mom. I know that isn't true, but she will deny deny deny that she is ever wrong.

I'm not sure what to tell my aunt. "I can't come because the issues with my mom are far worse than I let on?" "I don't trust her at all and she's made no attempt to fix anything"?

I know I will probably be hearing from my mom and I need help with a solid response for her.

I (30s F) have been estranged from my parents for >15 years. I’m one of lucky ones with three parents (bio father, mother and stepfather) all of whom I’ve had to cut off.

Bio dad was absent throughout childhood, never interested and has a violent history and so I cut all contact when I was 13.

M and SD are who I’ll focus on. M was always emotionally unavailable and unsupportive. Regularly compared me to friends, cousins etc saying “why can’t you be more like [insert girl’s name]?” until I finally snapped one day and said “why can’t you be loving and accepting like their mothers?!”. Only then did she finally stop. She also took me to a Child Psychologist when I was around 6 years old which I remember vividly. He sent me out whilst he spoke with her, I’m guessing to say nothing was wrong with me, and we never went back. She vehemently denies this ever happened but I remember it all as it was yesterday. My grandmother also recalls occasions when I screamed the house down to get her away from me when I was 2/3 years old (I don’t remember this), she came running because she thought I was in danger. I regularly remember feeling distant from my mother and trying to keep away from her instinctively thought my childhood, I never turned to her for comfort or support because I felt that I couldn’t.

For reference, I did well in school, never got in any serious trouble, had good reports, had a part-time job since I was 13, first in my family to go to uni, get a masters etc. Still wasn’t good enough. Anything I was upset about she’d turn it round, play the victim and make it all about her, turning on the tears on command.

She has one sister. There have been times that sister (my aunt who’s also very self-obsessed and righteous), my grandmother and I all stopped talking to her at the same time, uncoordinated (I didn’t know and was NC for years first). Another time shortly after my grandfather passed, the three of them took a trip abroad to his home country. I was told it was a “mother/daughter” trip; in her only child and daughter, and the only grandchild and granddaughter - I was not included in this or permitted to go. Gives you an idea.

Grandmother won’t drop it. Only member of that side of my family I speak to. Regularly brings it up, “but she’s your mother”, “they (M and SD) don’t understand”… until I remind her that he chose not to speak to me unless I have a relationship with M. I also have to remind her that I’m an autonomous adult able to make my own decisions and I’m not giving in to someone else’s whims when it’s detrimental for me. To this day, I still struggle with constant internal anxiety about not being enough, social anxiety (which I mask very well and come across confident when I’m absolutely not).

Am I really that wrong for not wanting any contact or relationship with them? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

TW: mentions of CSA

I just want to early preface that the call didn't went as badly as expected, but still feel I will share my experience and how I feel.

Original context: post. So eventually my parents realized i can't be reached and they have been trying to do so via my SO, although they didn't go overboard. few days later eventually it was passed via my SO that there are "urgent matters". although reluctantly and mulling over it, i eventually decide to call back just to understand what is this level of urgency according to them.

I won't go over the details of the urgent matter, but not surprisingly it is not an emergency, and my mother tried to treat it like a normal conversation like everything between us is good despite the long VLC and not being able to reach me. i asked if she this was a good time to talk privately, and if i can bring up a difficult conversation. she said yes. so i started.

told her that were 2 main things i wanted to talk about. first is me opening up about my CSA that happened in their home when i was a child. her first response was 'so, what do you want me to do???' and then 'is your SO treating you badly???' which i was not surprised. but i pushed on the conversation, even though she tried to cut me in between conversations a lot but i now have the maturity compared to when i was younger to firmly say 'let me finish, i will listen to your side later'. i managed to tell her how i feel and that i feel unsafe around her. also the next thing was how my last visit to her didn't feel great and how it was also triggering to how i was brought up.

long story short, her main response was her saying very sorry many times, acknowledging her parenting is not the best and it was not her intention to hurt me, although in between there were also things like 'you are making me feel very bad guilty', a lot of 'so what do you want me to do', 'you need to learn to forgive', 'so you don't want to come home anymore????.

but overall she did listened (good enough) and has been mostly respectful enough, surprisingly no screaming or insults. on my side there was also a lot of 'i hear you, i know it wasn't easy for you', 'i'm not blaming you but i'm just putting it out here' that i try to say to her. although she did once try to say >!why not you just meet that member, i don't think he will hurt you anymore!< i just said no i'm not doing that and don't want to meet him anymore, please respect that and she didn't argue and said okay. she eventually said >! that happened to her too!< so i guess this is just her passing on how she coped to me, which i firmly said no if i'm visiting again please arrange so that we don't have any contact whatsoever with him which see seems okay with.

i can't fit everything i said into this post but overall the call went without anyone screaming, i got my mother to for once listen and tried to reassure her that other than some boundaries set so i don't meet my past assaulter i'm thankful that she was listening and i don't expect her to do anything to solve the past; so i think that's a great start. although ofc i think i can wish some extra empathy and supportive words but i am at a point where these are things i am coming to term that i will work on myself via therapy and reparenting on my own.

tbh i'm still a bit anxious because historically she has a tendency to rage after she mulls over something when i was a kid, but i acknowledge that this is also the first time i got to open up to her without things going south too quickly. i feel i need to really iron out my boundaries with my parents and make sure they are respected, but yeah. i may break the NC and hope i am not baited back into dysfunction, worse come to worse maybe that happens again i just go NC again, but as confusing as it is for me, i might try to see how it goes and see if i can trust my parents that they at least respect boundaries (no more adult tantrums, talk things out).

I know the short answer is no, I don't have to. But what would you do? So me and my DH and kids are moving in the next 7-9 months or so. I am 51 and we have a lot of stuff! A full basement worth of stuff! And so there are many bins full of cards and letters from all kinds of people from my whole life. Unfortunately I kept most everything and I know I don't want to bring these bins to our new house. I have slowly been going through some of the bins and it just brings out weird feelings because some of the stuff (a lot of it) is from the parents that I have been no contact with for over 10 years. When I was in my early 20's I lived in another state so narc mom would write and send me cards and letters all the time. Reading these (even skimming over them) makes me feel bad. She literally would count down the days until she sees me again but then when I saw her in person she sometimes would treat me badly.

I have been watching the documentary about a serial killer recently and for some reason as I was reading the mom's letters and cards to me, it made me think that she was similar to a serial killer in the way that she can be charming and say all "the right things" but then when I would see her, a lot of times her words and actions did not match at all. And really, on a side note, I feel that most people's words and actions do not match at all when it comes to anyone in my life now.

Do I really need to "torture" myself by reading all of these things from the parents or really anyone? Could you/would you just throw stuff out without looking at it?

I went NC with my mother about 1.5 months ago, and the responses I’ve been getting from my extended family has been wonderful. I know that this isn’t always guaranteed, so I’m so thankful to have their support.

My mother, in typical fashion, has been playing the victim. Telling everyone that I’m refusing to speak to her, but failing to acknowledge the hurtful things she said just prior to my decision. This mostly consisted of her denying, and claiming to have no memory of, traumatic incidents from our past. My aunts, uncle, and cousins have all reached out to me and, whether by phone call or text, have told me that they’re sorry for all that my siblings and endured, that they’re proud of us, and that they support my decision to distance myself from my mother.

Some already knew about some of the abuse and neglect, and some only knew limited details. When I shared more with them, no one doubted anything I said. I always had faith that my family would believe and support me, but it was still a relief to receive those responses.

I also found out that she has been telling my sibling that it’s their fault that I went NC. I assured them that she was lying, and it was 1000% her fault, and no one else’s. I don’t want to rule out reconciling at some point, but it’s obvious that she is still playing the victim, not taking accountability, and blaming others for her own bad behavior. I cannot see myself speaking to her again if she’s not ready to be honest with herself and my siblings and I.