I am a sober 30 y/o male

My Bio mom died when i was 1 and i had a step mom from about 7-16 and she stopped talking to me after my father died right after they sent me to military school. Im not really sure what to Make of things we have been estranged for so long. I wish I could get some other motherly options on things in my life. I feel like i would have made better decisions for myself had i at least been able to talk to her. After 12 years of not knowing how to communicate with her we sent only 2 letters back and i guess it didn’t go well. Is 30 too old to have mommy issues? Is it strange to be bothered they don’t want anything to do with me. There is a lot more to the situation. I just wish i had someone to talk too about it because its really eating me up.

Tw, rape, no details.

I’m currently typing up how I want to break the news to my mom that I’m not coming up this year. We’re pretty LC. I’m sending it in therapy tomorrow. Let me know how it sounds.

“Hi Mom. I wanted to let you know I won’t be coming up for Christmas this year. I am making good progress in overcoming my trauma from my rape. However, I do not feel safe around (her bf). Being in that environment will not be good for me and will set me back. I feel like you wish I would forget about the whole thing, but I can’t, not when it affects every day of my life. It’s not something I can pretend never happened, and having to act like that only makes it harder for me to heal. I hope you understand. I love you. ❤️ “

I always feel like she never gets it. Support would be lovely.

I don’t know if I need advice or just need reassurance. I went LC/NC with my mother about 6 months ago. Things were strained between us before that due to the growing disrespect and mistreatment of my family (my husband & myself) over the course of several years since my parents moved to be closer to me (i sponsored them when they asked me to).

The situation has gotten much worse after my father passed away. During his short battle with cancer I was literally at my mothers beck and call, and this pattern continued after his death. At first, I went with the flow because I attributed this downward spiralling to her grieving and loneliness. My “allowance” of her mistreatment started to affect my relationship with my husband. I would defend it by saying that it was temporary and she’s just grieving. He wasn’t convinced, which I thought was due to a different conflict around her scheming to get my dads inheritance/pension divided between her and my brother only. Don’t even get me started on that story. Slowly I started to disentangle myself from her by not sharing anything (grey rocking) and seeing her once a week, which brought on more lashing out, manipulation and guilt tripping. She started blaming my husband and said “he won’t even let you spend your weekend on me?” when I changed our weekly meeting schedule to a weekday instead of weekend.
Which upset me mostly because my husband never said a word about me seeing her. At one point, I specifically told her that she doesn’t respect me or my time, and she said “I don’t care about respect, you’re my daughter, I love you and want to see you”. I was extremely upset because I felt like I was treated like a property, straight to my face. And she was acting like this was the most natural thing to do. I suspected shit was about hit the fan in our relationship when she started bringing up quitting her job after I spend months helping her send out resumes, prep for interviews, finding employment agencies. Her recklessness with employment (and financial security it brings), was always an issue. She’s walked out from a job in the middle of the work day in the past because she didn’t get along with her manager. My dad worked at the time so they were OK. But here she starts telling me that she is going to quit her job and go across the country to help my brother and his family settle down (and of course she paid for everything with her savings/money she got from inheritance/pension). I told her that this not a good idea and that she needs to consider her own situation (she’s older, a widow, with a new job) and what stress it puts on my family (I had sponsored her to come to the country, so im financially responsible for her). Her response to me was that this is all my husbands brainwashing me. That I should just not listen to him. After that she decided to punish me by not talking to me (she’s done that before both in my childhood and in adulthood).

At this point I just had enough of her disrespect and blocked her.

Mother discovered that I cut contact two weeks after, when she tried to call/text me before she left, and couldn’t (I’m assuming because she needed help with packing things). This started a thread of emails in which I explained that I won’t be tolerating this type of behaviour towards my family and don’t want to have anything to do with her at this time. I tried to explain what brought this decision on, but she would only turn things around to try to manipulate me (we’ve done everything for you) or go on about how she feels guilty that she couldn’t do better for my brother like she did for me.

She left and would contact me every few weeks or so, asking how things are. I’d respond here and there depending on the email & tone.

When she was coming back in the city after a couple of months, my husband messaged her and asked her not contact us and give us our privacy. He said that she should find another job upon her return so she is financially secure. She flipped out on me saying he has no right to contact her. Said he’s a nobody to her. Among other upsetting things. I didn’t respond. She emailed again the next day about something related to her housing, to which I have responded.

After that, we had no contact for 2.5 months, and honestly those were the most peaceful months I’ve had this year.

She reached out to me recently on my husband’s birthday, telling me to wish him a happy birthday and asking how we are doing. I didn’t respond because I thought this was so manipulative and hypocritical after everything she said about him. This was just an excuse to get me to talk to her. She contacted me today again about that there was some information needed from me for her housing since I’m her sponsor. I responded directly to the representative with the info and copied her on the email so she knows it’s done. I didn’t respond to her. Shortly after, she send me a pleading email asking to reconcile, that she doesn’t need money or anything, she apologizes for everything (except she doesn’t know what she’s apologizing for as in one of her past emails she’s said “I still don’t understand what made you turn your back on me”), that she just misses “her kind and wonderful daughter”. I rolled my eyes at this.

On one hand I know what she is doing ~ trying to rope me in back to our old patterns. It’s clear as day.

On the other hand I wonder if I should respond and tell her I’m not ready to be in contact with her. Just to make things clear if they are not clear to her by now.

But shall I even bother? Will this make a difference? I want to believe that she is remorseful but I don’t trust her.

To add background, I started therapy when we first stopped talking, and it helped me realize the pattern of our relationship very clearly. I was brought up to take care of my parents - household chores and errands were my responsibility since early age, and when I didn’t do what they expected, I’d get beaten. As a teenager, it was mostly manipulation to get me to do what they wanted, but by then I was already “trained” and did what was expected of me. I was fed, clothed, taken on vacations, etc., but my other needs didn’t matter. They allowed my brother to bully me, didn’t attend my school events or teacher/parent conferences saying they were busy working, or whatever else. At some point I’ve come to not to expect anything from them. I knew something was off about our family dynamics, but didn’t know what exactly. This caused a lot of personality problems in my adolescence (I had difficulty forming relationships with others) and mental health (depression).

I “escaped” when I went away to study at 17, built my life, a career, made lots of good friends, married a man who loves me unconditionally, but once I reunited with my parents in my 30s, I felt like I’d regressed back to my teenage years when I was around them.

Honestly, just typing all this out and rereading it, makes me want to go back on time and cut contact much sooner. But better late than never I guess.

I guess this is sort of an update to my post from a few weeks ago. Since then I've been talking with my older half sister every now and then and she was the only one who reached out to me on my birthday. Idk. Feeling kinda relieved but also disappointed that younger half siblings did not reach out.

I didn't mention this in my previous post, but I was actually working on my bachelor project since september and had to hand it in today. So I decided to "keep the peace" until then. Now I've deleted my younger half sister's number and removed my other younger half sister from my instagram profile. Kinda disappointed that this is how it ends, but it's best to keep my distance from toxic people who look at my stories despite obviously not liking me.

Anyway, thank you to everyone who gave me advice last time. It meant a lot :)

I have been monitoring postings on Reddit and TikTok regarding estrangement from family members for awhile. I am a Baby Boomer born in 1959. I, like many of you posting, made the difficult choice of reducing or going no contact with family. It’s quite a process and those who are considering it, its worth considering the full possible consequences before taking action.

I like to share how I went from trying to establish boundaries and learning to see the “real” dynamics of my families interactions with me and themselves. Once I saw how I was being harmed and in turn how I also participated in harming others in a similar fashion, it became easier and more rewarding to change and face the consequences.

As a teenager I had to stop bringing my report cards home to my parents, not to hide problems with grades but to stop my mother from sharing specific achievements to her friends as if they were hers and ignoring my concern for privacy and asking would she be so free with my private life if I were struggling? We clashed as my sister (11 years older and a free spirit) began to show problems with mental health and “self-medication”.

My father went from being a “functional” alcoholic to a dysfunctional one. There were family members enabling and explaining / excusing his actions. I held, I understood he was sick and needed help, including from us but! It needed to be acknowledged that we were being harmed and needed support and cooperation from him and his family as well, if only emotional.

Fortunately for my father, AA helped him find the support he needed to get sober and remain so. Like many I have observed since this time, they (AA) became his second family and sometimes his main focus. I don’t have a problem with that, it is what he needed and he wouldn’t have survived if it hadn’t worked but it did create a void between us that never resolved itself.

I realized, like my sister before me, that I needed to get out of the house as soon as possible and when I got a job and found that it would be cheaper to live in town than pay for commuting and paying a stipend to my parents because I wasn’t returning to college, I moved out.

Getting out of the day to day nonsense helped me see things I had gotten used to living at home. My awareness dialed down from trying to sense the mood of the occupants in the house. I didn’t have mental arguments reviewing or anticipating how they would react on a recurring basis. I found my mom wanted me to contact her to have her share her stories but not often listen to mine. Complaining when I called during normal social hours that I was disturbing her sleep, when I couldn’t know when she was on shift work. Same happened when I visited, they would talk about their lives but be less interested in mine. So I reduced my time with them, why bother?

While I became aware of being more attracted to males around 10 years old, it wasn’t until I was out of the house before I really explored it and found my first partners and ultimately first loves. Meanwhile I heard from my sister that my mother was gossiping about my sex life suggesting I was having an affair with a married woman that I spoke highly of. I made a point to visit her and point blank tell her to stop. That the gossip would likely not get back and harm the couple, and kid, that I had a great affection for but that it was none of her business, and completely inappropriate let alone from my mother and in fact I’m gay. Got no memorable response from her and left.

Note my parents both went to a art school college and were in the arts for many years and had to interacted with gay men and women for years. Of Course many were closeted but its hard to hide with long term interactions.

Through out we had many arguments that got heated and jumbled. I found it helpful and easier to write out my concerns, facts, and feelings and as I got more practiced, I added consequences if I couldn’t find a solution with them. I’m glad a kept copies of them and regret that I didn’t printout some of my email interactions. Those notes have helped my recall some of my life that went blank after several major events that occurred in my life.

My final break with them took place when I had to do an intervention for my sister and take her in or let her live on the streets at while I was 26-27 and facing corporate downsizing and starting to lose many friends and acquaintances to AIDS ( which didn’t have a name or known cause at the time).

How I resolved some of the emotional wounds that occurred to time and reflection. Here are some suggestions for you to consider:

People can’t give what they don’t have to give. It took me time and some therapy to realize that what my parents taught how a family should function was not how they acted. When I asked and expected they at least behave towards me as they would their friends, neighbors, or co-workers and they couldn’t. When I accepted that emotionally, as well as intellectually, I realized that I experienced loss like I had a death in the family. But I also got peace no longer allowing hope to trick me when they made another try to draw me back in.

I accepted that, with the brake, I wouldn’t expect support from them ( it hadn’t been forthcoming when getting support for my sister). It was frightening then especially at the time I was facing financial instability and being openly gay and with many friends with AIDS, regardless of my undetermined HIV status and dealing with a mentally ill family member. But I made it through and I hope you’ll find that you’ll get support from sources that you never expected and strengths you never thought you possessed.

Take time to journal your thoughts, memories, and feelings as you go through this journey. What little I did do and the letters/notes kept copies of helped later to sort my feelings and emotional wounds. It also allowed me to remember and reclaim the happy moments that I had with my family. I know they loved me and I did express my love to them, they just hadn’t have great examples in how to love and have a family and they passed that on to their children. The documents helped me recalled things later that got lost in my memory due to the chaos and trauma I had experienced during that time .

You cant expect that they wont move on with their lives and you may miss certain of their milestones as they with miss yours. But that may have happened if you remained in contact, it did mine while we were on limited contact. You may not replace or block the bad memories that get triggered by holidays, deaths ect but you can make new ones that offset or supersede them. I did like many with friendsgivings and similar christmas and other events. Heirlooms, special events, and inheritance may be lost but again that may have occurred if you remained in contact and is it worth the price for peace? I did attempt to give each member of my family acknowledgment of the love and good times we shared and the sorrow and loss that the unresolved conflicts caused us to separate. This did give me closure and few regrets when they passed. My only regret was with my mothers behavior and I could not get a reason from her or her friends when I had to look in her estate for my sisters inheritance. But likely that was not to be.

This has been long and a bit rambling, but I hope it gives you some food for thought and help in your decisions and journey to healing.

It's been spectacular. So little stress. My only regret is not doing it ten years sooner.

Before cutting him off I worried very intensely about the arguments it'd cause, how he'd turn up and shove himself into my life. Just the idea I'd see him everywhere and it'd be this huge awkward thing. Little did I know none of that would happen. All it took was a single text informing him I had actually noticed all the neglect and abuse I'd suffered throughout my childhood/teen years, that I was sick of it, that I deserved better. I told him I never wanted to see him again- and I haven't. It was that easy. He hasn't made a single attempt at contacting me since, and I'm glad. I hope he gets everything he deserves and I hear absolutely nothing about it.

See my post history for context:

https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/1ar06ro/new_here_estranged_with_my_family_of_origin_for_a/

https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/1cotarq/not_attending_a_family_gathering_leads_to_another/

https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/1fibcv4/update_not_attending_a_family_gathering_leads_to/

On the day of the banquet, husband and I already planned to stay over at a beach town during the weekend. It was fun weekend and a good break to get away with it all. We went hiking in the morning and exploring the town like locals.

After I told my parents that I will not be attending the newlywed's banquet with my dad's side of the family, my parents, of course, were upset. On the day my parents came to our home to stay for one night, they met up with my husband while I was at work since my husband's job allows him to work from home 3-4 times a week. My husband was able to talk to them as a mediator explaining why I have distanced myself in the past 3 years. Conversation lasted a good 45 minutes during his lunch break. In short, my husband told my parents on my behalf that I: (1) Wanted nothing to do with the church cult I grew up in; (2) Will not be attending any family reunions anytime soon; (3) Was abused by my older sibling that despite favoring him more growing up; (4) Am currently attending therapy after dealing with their shitty dynamic with them for almost 2 decades; (5) The real reasons why I refused to go the wedding and upcoming banquet; and (6) Stop disrespecting my boundaries and treat me better. According to my husband, my parents tried to justify their actions, but my husband doubled down by providing very specific details of events that put them into shame and called out their lack of accountability. My parents realized this and told my husband to tell me that they were sorry about how they raised me and wanted to start fresh. They also told me that I didn't have to go to the banquet anymore.

From this indirect interaction with them, I truly thought that I finally made a breakthrough with my parents that they will do better on work on themselves and eventually visit their new home. As time went by, however, everything dissolved back to square one that I am not comfortable visiting my parents at their new home during the holidays for the 3rd year in a row.

My mom texted me right before my weekend getaway saying that the invitation to attend the banquet is still open even though we were very clear on our stance a month after they stayed over.

A week before Thanksgiving weekend, my dad told me he wanted to change our showerheads in both bathrooms upstairs because found the water pressure too low for his liking. We initially accepted the offer, but in the end changed our mind and both told my dad via text separately a day before he came by as we realized we were already content with it and don't want to raise our water bill. Despite letting my dad know in advance, he ignored my message. He ended up bringing a showerhead to replace the bathroom I use, but not my husband's (we use separate showers). My dad then tells me the real reason why I "have to" change the showerhead in my bathroom is because my my mom said that the one I have installed is not good- even though the off-brand he got is illegal to have where we live since it exceeds the state's maximum water flow. Overall, changing out the showerhead was really about my mom's negative experience using my shower when she stayed over saying how it took "forever" for the water to heat up- which in my case it wasn't at all. I pointed that out to my dad that it was her issue to begin with, but he straight up ignored me, which was his indirect way to tell me that "I know what is best for you, especially if it is from your mom's end." I stood my ground and declined changing my showerhead.

My dad threw a fit and replied in my family's native language saying "Go ahead and freeze your ass off in the shower when winter comes, for I will not be helping you like this anymore!" After his drop-off visit, my husband went onto our group text to thank my mom for the gifts, which ended up as leeway for my mom to once again tell us again to be on their social media app chat despite telling her many times we don't want anything to do with it**. My husband responded with holiday greetings and also letting them know that we are fine with solely text messaging without the pictures and videos, considering the poor reception in their area. My parents, who always respond to text messages in their group of friends, did not reply.

**When I was on their messaging app group chat, my mom always criticized, nitpicked, and made poor assumptions of everything I share online with them while on their end keep gloating each other posts among my parents and sibling**

So much for starting fresh when they ended up reverting to their old habits and two-faced, sexist treatment between me and my husband, as if the conversation with my husband never occurred. They save face when my husband is there, but then demean me when my husband is not there. They get involved into my life that were never problems to begin with but for their own self-serving interests and treat me as an extension of themselves. My parents have become more sly and passive aggressive in how they present themselves rather than doing the work to change their relationship with their only daughter.

hi, this may be a little long of a post. i’m 20, nearly 21 years old and my dad only came to see me once when i was a baby. he hasn’t seen me or attempted to contact me since.

him and my mother broke up when she was early in her pregnancy because he was a bad man. my mother lived with him and his parents for a bit (who sold drugs) then with him and his brother (who took them). she has told me a story about being passed a substance in tin foil and asked if she wanted any (she’s very anti-drugs and obviously she was terrified). she also worked in a factory through her pregnancy to try provide, but my dad would call her and get angry he could hear men in the background (she worked in a car factory). she was only 17/18 and ultimately made the decision that this was not what she wanted to raise her child in.

a few times in my childhood he expressed an interest in seeing me, but only with his girlfriend. my mother refused, as i didn’t know him, never mind his girlfriend (i completely agree with her decision making). he responded “i don’t go anywhere without my girlfriend” and so never saw me.

his girlfriend is (or was, not sure they’re still together) insane. she messaged my mother on my dad’s account pretending to be him, begging to get back together after 10-12 years. my mother just laughed it off and ignored it. this girlfriend is part of what has put me off contact so far.

i have watched his social media for a few years now and it seems he has also succumbed to drugs (based off his appearance). i know he went to prison for some time, but no idea what for. what has provoked me is that he clearly used to be on steroids, but the only recent image i found of him (from within the last year or two) he is horrendously sunken in and gaunt. he looks like he’s terminally ill (again, i presume this is all down to drugs).

for years i’ve expressed zero interest in contacting him, because i do not care for a man that so clearly does not care for me. now though, i’m considering it. i want to at least know more. the curiosity has gotten to me. i have no desire for a familial tie or a reunion. also i have seen posts on his facebook about mental illness (i also suffer) and want to know about his family health history to aid my own diagnoses.

obviously this may all be a terrible idea, but i feel no emotional attachment now and think this could be the right time to start formulating a message. how on earth do i start though? what do you say?

edit: considering just adding his facebook and seeing what happens rather than a direct message. is that better or worse? what would a message even say?

I’ve been no contact with my mother for a few months, I have luckily had no issues so far apart from that awkward convo with my Grandad.

I sent him his Christmas present (I moved away from where they live), he asked me if I put any presents in for mum. We just lost Nan last Christmas and that anniversary is coming up. But what about my message of no contact suggests I’d send her anything?

Am I just being overly sensitive? Or maybe naive thinking I’d get listened to?

I went NC with my mother and grandparents a couple of months ago. In the last weeks, I get more and more dreams about my family. Some are positive, like how I wished them to be, many are situations that have happened similarly but not like reliving actual situations. Some days this really gives me a bad feeling. It's not that I regret going NC but it is being reminded of all the pain as well as being reminded of my fantasies of how I wished my family to be. It can be tough some times. I feel like my brain just starts now unpacking all the bad moments, all the trauma.

Although it's stressful, I'm actually quite thankful for it in a way, since it gives me the feeling of really starting to heal. I think distancing myself from my family was absolutely necessary for me to even be able to have these memories revealed and give me the space to process them.

Does anyone of you experience this as well? How do you deal with it?

I plan on making a series of posts that debunk some myths about estrangement between family members. This is post #1. I want to debunk the claim that EAK's choose estrangement as their first option.

This is my first post in this series. Please feel free to provide feedback on what sort of information you would like to see and what myths you would like to be debunked. And feel free to answer the question with your own story and research.

Something I want to point out: many parents (especially neglectful or abusive parents) do not listen to their children nor take them seriously. Any efforts a child (adult or still underage) does to try and mend problems in the family may be ignored, mocked, criticized, or sabotaged. It's less effort from the parents when they can enforce the status quo and not have their parenting questioned.

Children are biologically inclined to want to stay with their family and want it to be a healthy, supportive environment. It is up to the parents to provide this. Many parents ignore family problems (or push all the responsibility and blame onto the child) and don't recognize that there is an issue until it is too late.

Let's be real here... it's quite often human nature for anybody to ignore any sort of problem until it blows up in their face. It's not a stretch at all to apply this to family dynamics.

If children are stuck with their parents until they are at least 18, that means there are potentially years of effort on the child's part to do what they can to keep problems at bay. Countless people have learned how to people please and put aside their own needs, because they were forced to growing up. There is an incredible amount of pressure from folks in society for people to stay together with their families no matter what happens. It is highly discouraged to instantly give up on any family member, especially a parent or other elder. It's ridiculous for anyone to assume that EAK's have never given in under this pressure.

My own story in a nutshell: I went NC with my parents when I was about 21. I spent my entire childhood trying to please people who were abusive and were never satisfied with anything I did. I gave up on life at that time. For the next 10 years, I tried to cater to the rest of my family and bond with them. I found myself getting the rug ripped out from under me. I found myself ghosted by them. I found that they only reached out to me when they wanted to dump their problems on me. I finally went NC with the rest of them. I spent 30 years trying to work things out in different ways. Nothing worked. They don't want to get better.

Estrangement is not a first choice.

Two years ago, I made the difficult decision to bring my 10-year-old dog to live with my mom. She was struggling with severe separation anxiety, and since I live alone, it wasn’t the best environment for her. My mom and her boyfriend are home more often, have a backyard, and my dog was already comfortable there since that’s where she spent most of her life before I moved out of state.

At the end of October, my uncle passed away. I went to my mom’s house to stay with her and attend the funeral services. I was excited to see my dog again since it had been a while. When I arrived, I didn’t see her and thought, “Oh, she’s probably in the backyard.” As I headed out, I asked my mom’s boyfriend where she was. He gave me a sad look and said, “She passed away three weeks ago.”

I was in shock. When I confronted my mom about why she never told me, all she said was, “What was I supposed to say?” I was devastated. I immediately left and went to my godmother’s house. Later, I sent my mom a voice note expressing how hurt I was. I told her I deserved to know, to grieve my dog properly, and to make decisions like cremating her. Instead of taking accountability, my mom said she didn’t tell me because I’m “always depressed and too stressed out.”

That response broke me. If she had admitted to being overwhelmed or explained herself in a thoughtful way, I might’ve been able to understand. But instead, she gaslit me and shifted the blame onto me.

This was the final straw in a series of boundary-crossing behavior. Since then, I’ve gone no contact with her. It’s been a painful journey, but I’m learning to prioritize my peace and protect my energy. I miss my dog so much and feeling a lot of guilt for leaving her under my moms care.

I’d (24f) been low contact with my mom for years and finally have had zero contact with her for about 2 years now. Recently, she somehow learned I was moving to a new city and we have an old family friend who lives in said city and she told them. Well, family friend reached out and now will not leave me alone about forgiving her. The childhood I was given was 1000x worse than anything my mom went through and I’ve never used it as an excuse to treat people badly. I really care for this person, it’s hard to lose another relationship due to their lack of understanding. Even after saying he’d keep our relationship separate he decided to begin sending me pictures of her. Oh well, I guess. This person is not worth it to destroy my peace.

Has anyone simply cut contact and that's it?

Not explained why because there is no point as they won't understand and it will just cause more exhaustion seeing them deflect, avoid and take no accountability for their actions since they did things for 'our' best interests.

It's been more than 6 months and it's finally dawned on me that I probably won't want to ever speak to my abuser again, just imagining her crying being sad and upset makes me exhausted....like what now? want me to fix things? upset again? no, we don't have that relationship anymore you manage your own shit from now on. Knowing they just sit and wait for me to contact her one day when i am less angry, not making any meaningful changes just sitting there and being dumbfounded at why her own child cut her off.

Stupidily role played what it would be like if we went to family therapy and even a fake role play caused me to nope the fuck out of that idea. The thought of having to state all my boundaries just to get her to behave like a healthy adult, go through all the trauma and having her react with ignorance and self pity makes me puke and shake with disgust.

So that is it folks, a bitter sweet yet profoundly liberating end and also a new beginning. It's been an exhausting year to have come to such revelations, all the 'for my benefit' was never for my benefit at all, not really, it was more it is for my benefit if it aligned with hers, a very very big subtle, yet big difference.

Edit: this years holidays will be ...something...it will be quite an experience probably the hardest one to go through because afterwards once the new year comes well this is just the new way of life...i hope.

Edit2: I remember in therapy I got asked 'how to describe my mum' nearly 3? years ago and struggled to respond....well I finally can say she is a stupid woman whose actions directly drove away her only child. HAPPY HOLIDAYS !

Edited: I'm not sending it. Thank you everyone who commented.

My father has undiagnosed issues and I haven't spoken to him in about a year. (He thinks because he was caught bad-mouthing me to my teenage niece but I've forgiven him for that - it's just really hard for me to be around him, my siblings feel the same). I'm starting to feel sorry for him, though I know a relationship with him at this time would be bad for my health and wouldn't make him happy anyway.

He has tried reaching out to me (left voicemails and sent hand-written letters) to half-heartedly apologize/make me feel sorry for how terrible he feels that my brother and I are both not speaking to him and keeps bringing up the fact that we have to sit down and hash out his will (he's been saying this the past decade - he uses the will to try and control us). I see through his gestures but at the same time I feel bad just ignoring him. I also don't like getting random calls/ letters from him and my husband wonders what he'll do next, so he thinks I should send him this email. Bad idea?

Dad,

First, I want you to know that I hold no anger or resentment toward you for anything, past or present. Our relationship has shaped who I am in many ways, and for that, I’m extremely grateful. You’ve given me experiences and lessons that have impressed upon me, and I truly value those moments.

That being said, I’ve come to realize that, for my own well-being, it’s best for me to step back and love you from afar. This isn’t about your worth or my feelings toward you but rather a choice I’m making to protect and honor my emotional and mental health. Sometimes maintaining distance allows for a healthier dynamic, and I believe this is what’s best for both of us for the time being.

I know your will is important to you, and I want to be honest: I prefer not to be involved in the decision-making. A will is deeply personal and should reflect your own wishes and priorities. My love and respect for you are unconditional and not tied to any arrangements, so I ask that you honor my wish to stay out of this process.

This hasn’t been an easy decision, but it’s one I feel is right for me at this point in my life. I care about you deeply, and I truly wish you the best. While I feel it’s best for us to have space, please know that my respect and goodwill for you remain unchanged.

We're trying family therapy. The first session was awful. We have a second session coming up, and I want to do a better job of being my own advocate since I'm not good at it when I speak to them in person.

Every time I try to talk with my parents about our issues, I end up breaking down and crying. I want to be able to stay calm and not get overwhelmed, but I have a hard time keeping it together especially when they're being dismissive.

Honestly I don't have a lot of faith in this therapy, but I feel like if I don't give it a few sessions at least I'll suffer immense guilt if/when I go no contact. This might be our last session, depending on how it goes, and if nothing else, I want to come away feeling like I didn't let myself down again.

Does anyone have any tips?

I've been no contact with my 'dad' and his wife for close to a year. I had a birthday card this time last year, and some mail that was delivered to them that they posted on to me (I'm 15 minutes away, they could have hand delivered them......).

Otherwise, I've heard absolutely nothing.

I heard tonight that his wife has been reaching out to several extended family members, telling them they've tried to get in contact (lol no they haven't), and they just want to make sure I'm okay (lol no they don't).

I've blocked his wife on Facebook and that's it. I've lived in the same place and had the same phone number and email address for 20 years. They have absolutely not attempted to contact me, at all. No texts, no phone calls, no letters, no visits, no emails....

But I'm now aware they've reached out to (at least) two of my family members and told them they have tried contacting me, that I haven't responded and they're 'worried'.

I don't know. I'm just pissed & venting. It seems like they're laying the foundation that I'm the one at fault, I'm being petty and that they 'care' and are 'trying everything's despite knowing absolutely nothing personal about me for 2 years now. (Information diet prior to NC)

The Fuckin Audacity.

I went nc with my mother in sept, a little before my birthday. She still sent me a card and gift cards for my birthday and I sent a thank you text, which I shouldn’t have but I felt bad not acknowledging, but did not respond when she tried to continue the conversation.

I’m worried that she’s going to still send Christmas gifts to my house, even though I haven’t spoken to her since then. How should I handle this? Do I break nc now and tell her not to send anything? Do I send it back or refuse delivery? Do just not acknowledge if something arrives?

TW: toxic parents, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, financial blackmail, racism . . . . . . . . Hey, I hope it's ok to vent about this here. I'm having a bit of a rough time.

So, I basically had to cut contact with my mom and stepdad. It was a huge, drawn-out thing that started because of an argument we had 2 years ago. This caused me to move out. They were saying some racist stuff and didn't like that I called them out on it. And then they gave me the silent treatment for a week, were extremely rude to a friend of mine who came to visit me, and then they said I had to apologize for their behavior.

At the time, I did mostly just to keep the peace. But it was the emptiest apology I've ever given. I basically quit my job, went back to school, and got my current job. And then I was able to move out. During this time, they pretended like everything was fine. But I don't think I can explain the betrayal I felt. I felt like they stabbed me in the back, and it was like I was seeing them for who they really are: incredibly emotionally immature.

Anyway, they helped me with moving and setting up my new place, painting and putting lights up. But I just kept feeling so uncomfortable that they were helping me because we weren't addressing the root issue. So in March, I told them I needed some space, and they freaked out. I asked her not to contact me unless it was an emergency.

My mom sent me a spreadsheet saying I owed her money for all the stuff they did. That just absolutely broke my heart, but I gave her money for the first one.

Fast forward to May, my grandma died. She was my dad's mom, and we were not close. I messaged my mom saying she passed. My mom didn't come to the funeral, but instead asked me if she should. She and my grandma didn't get along. So it really felt like she was putting me in the middle of their beef, and I was really annoyed.

In July, she sent me another spreadsheet saying I owed her for the kitchen table and guest bed they said I could use. And she said I had to give her the coffee table back. This was hurtful for me because she gave it to me, and it was made by my great-grandpa. It meant a lot that she gave it to me since he died when I was 10, and it was an honor that she trusted me with a gift. So, the fact that she basically held it over my head like that was so upsetting. I started getting worried they would just come over and demand I give them all my things. Where would they draw the line? I told her I wouldn't pay her. But I did give her the table back. And I hoped she would leave me alone.

But a couple of weeks ago, she messaged me saying my grandpa (her dad) was in the hospital. He fell and broke his spine. And then the next day, he had a stroke. I didn't reply right away, and she asked, "Was this not emergency-worthy?" So I said, "I hope he's ok. Sad to hear this news." But I was upset by her tone. So I poked the bear, and I regret it. I asked her what sort of response she was looking for because I did not have any sort of connection with my grandpa. He lives out of state, and we barely saw him at all growing up. And she had mentioned that she was going to fly out to see him, so I was confused about whether I was supposed to do that too, which didn't make sense to me. It's not that I don't care about him or wish him I'll. There's just no relationship to speqk of. He is going to be ok, BTW. He is going to do physical therapy.

She said I was self-centered, that she offered words of comfort when my grandma died (which she didn't actually). And she said I should think about how to be kinder towards the family who were there for me when I didn't reciprocate.

And I couldn't let it go. I said, "Maybe you should take your own advice and ask yourself how you can be kinder towards your own child."

Because she still didn't answer my question. I can't provide any sort of emotional support or grief counseling. I'm her kid. Not her parent.

I told her I would never forgive her for the spreadsheets. That pushed me over the edge. And I said that she's not right. Literally, every single person I have talked to about this whole mess has been like, "What the hell? That's so f'd up." And it is. Toxic behavior all around. But I expected better from them. I haven't actually talked to my stepdad since March, but she also tried to manipulate me with that, too. "Oh, he thinks of you as his own daughter," even though I am also trans (that's a whole other story).

It's like they have this image of me and refuse to grow with me. They refuse to understand or hear what I'm saying. They can't see that they have hurt me, and it truly is all their fault. So I deleted her number and all the texts so I don't have to look at them anymore. I didn't go to the family gathering. And good riddance.

But it still really sucks to have to deal with this. I oscillate between feeling so proud of myself and feeling really sad and guilty. Because I don't think anyone wants to do this. But there was no other choice. Anyway, thank you for reading this. I'm hoping someone can relate.

Did any of you feel too damaged to have kids yourself, just to make sure you don't 1) create an extra fucked up human being and 2) end up in your parents current shituation?

I'm personally really triggered at the sight of children and try to avoid them, because I feel huge pangs of grief and envy. I always knew I would never, ever have them myself, even if sometimes people tell me I would make a good mother.

Over the past 4 years, I have undergone some miraculous changes in my life and have healed through most of my guilt and anger of the past. Through this, I realized I legitimately not only have the option, but it is imperative I spend time with people I love and respect. In so doing, my conversations with these people are very deep, give and take, but always end with both parties feeling good about themselves and each other. This type of communication takes an inordinate amount of time.

Occasionally, I ask myself if I’m ready to communicate with my mother and extended family. At this stage of my development, most of the pain and anger has gone away, and I do feel strong enough where I could, if I wanted, start to involve them back into my life.

But the problem is I don’t like these people. I really have no interest in spending another moment with them.

Sometimes, my wife will ask me “do you think you’re ready to talk to your Mom again?” And I realize, I haven’t thought about that person for 8 weeks! And then I realize how far I have come!

While I have been on this fantastic journey of growth. They are still the same. They still send their messages, but the messages don’t have the impact on me they once did. They were unlikable people before, they’re unlikable now. I do not like my parents and their choices, therefore I am unavailable to them. And you know what? Not liking someone is enough of a reason not to spend time with them.

This was my first Thanksgiving after going NC with my mother and sister, and it was the most relaxed and enjoyable Thanksgiving I have hosted!

Here's a quick timeline of the major events leading up to this massive success, if you're interested; background is that I was essentially parentified to the point that I was prioritizing my sister over myself (and by extension my family.)

2014: I give birth to my first child 3 days after my mother's wedding; my mother moves 6 hours north with her new husband, leaving my GC sister, "D," at the time 24 years old, to her own devices in the family home, with absolutely no idea how to keep a house.

2016: my husband and I buy our house and can host Thanksgiving instead of traveling to two sets of family with a toddler!

2019: I have a one-year-old and a five-year-old, and my mother convinces me that it's my idea to move D, now 29, in with my family so she can sell the homestead. It's... not great, but it works okay. After less than a year, D moves into a room in a house a couple of blocks away. We only see her on holidays, unless we run into her around town.

T-Day 2020: After 4 years of my painstakingly accommodating my mother's ever-increasing list of "food allergies" (I use quotations, because while they were officially diagnosed by a doctor, she 'cheats' often on her own time and just deals with the consequences) turning my holiday menu into a complicated balancing act, my mother (and stepfather) use the Covid lockdowns as an excuse to stop coming to our gathering, and then essentially stop visiting at all (unless they're passing through to visit someone they actually care about.)

2021: my childhood friend (non-biological sister) who lives locally, K, divorces her awful husband, and we absorb her and her teen sons into our celebration; finally we have someone to help D, who is vegan, eat the turkey-less roast.

T-Day 2022: We start deprioritizing turkey; D keeps my wine glass full, and I think this is her trying to help... until she offers to grab the standing rib roast from the oven for me when the timer goes off so I can have a quick shower before dinner, and then promptly forgets beef, ovens and timers exist until I come back downstairs; an embarrassingly overpriced roast is overdone, but still delicious. I'm so drunk by the time dinner is cleared away that I don't remember kissing my kids goodbye to go to their sleepover at my husband's parents' house, nor the several rounds of Cards Against Humanity that followed, but according to K's younger son A, I was hilarious.

Spring 2023: An unspecified gastric complaint knocks me on my ass. Urgent care prescribes anti-emetics because I can't keep anything down; I'm wearing adult diapers to bed, but I'm also trying to keep a household running and parenting two neurodivergent children. On my birthday, D is evicted by her landlady/roommate and lands on my sofa. She graciously allows me, already disabled and now also recovering from a months-long illness, to handle absolutely every single step of moving her in. (Thank goodness for my husband.)

Summer 2023: My mother visits me for ONE HOUR, during which she compliments my weight loss (from the gastric illness) and brushes off my pleas for backup (as I've realized D doesn't even respect me as a PERSON let alone an authority in my own home) with "I knew you girls would have a hard time getting along." Realize my mother doesn't respect me as a person either.

Autumn 2023: When it becomes apparent that the growing hoard in our living room and its owner aren't going to relocate to another address**, too late to salvage Halloween (my favorite holiday,) my husband carves a small bedroom out of our unfinished basement to contain the chaos. **because ours is within walking distance of the largest downtown/most active nightlife in our state.

T-Day 2023: K is on 'making sure I don't forget to eat' duty, so D can't derail me with the bottomless wine glass trick. Bought a less expensive roast, too. My husband's parents and sister are celebrating with other family who are more local to them. D divides her day between belittling my then-5yo son for checks notes behaving like a five year old... and making sure I can't have a single conversation with my only guests, K and her son A. While fixing my plate, I have to yell at D to stop bullying her nephew in his own home. She is the only person who enjoys this gathering, but the roast is perfect. My mother texts three times, asking what to get the kids for Christmas, even though she knows I'm busy hosting. She doesn't call, but she'll complain later that we didn't call her. My husband accidentally sends a text about the Thanksgiving disaster meant for his mother to my sister, so she offers a non-apology.

Winter 2023-2024: by now my mother has been having the kids' gifts shipped here for me to wrap for a few years. This time, I don't wrap them or even wait for Christmas. She texts on Christmas day that she wants to video call the kids, but never calls. In March 2024, I have another health crisis, and my mother reaches out -- for attention, which I have no patience or bandwidth to give her. I ask her for help with motivating D, who has become a hostile albatross around our necks, to find other lodging; she suggests lying to the police, to get D into emergency housing that doesn't exist -- for the fourth time -- before blocking me. Two weeks later, my husband and I give D her eviction notice. She stops speaking to me in May, and burns every possible bridge on her way out the door in June.

T-Day 2024: K and A came over, and my husband's sister was here, too! It was chill, and everyone had good food and a nice visit. 🦃🥂🥧

I went NC again after a year of LC. Whenever I post here I feel carried and seen because I see the narcissism has a common thread. Yet it is so sad to me that I continue to have to have boundaries around PTSD from abuse and neglect. I'm the assh0le in their eyes because I walked away. And I continue to get messages like this...

https://preview.redd.it/xc1uqu0sf94e1.png?width=1754&format=png&auto=webp&s=f0f3126b819a0329e9795eb52eda471422f43785

My father is a diagnosed narcissist, and I was the scapegoat. He emotionally and physically abused me, but not my siblings. At one point, he gave me two black eyes. My mother was an enabler and covered it up with makeup. Anyways, I’m 26 now, I’ve been no contact with my father for a year. I had confronted him, and he told me I was actually the abuser and not him and that’s when I decided I was done. My mother was there, and she is still with him. I always thought my mother was so much better, but it hit me the pain that she has caused and it almost feels worse. It feels like the crushing realization that no one ever loved me as a child. My mother chose my father and is still choosing him. My sisters pretend it didn’t happen, and we’re all adults now. It just feels like such a deep pain, and I am questioning if I should go no contact with my mother. She posts photos with my father like a happy couple even though I know they hate eachother. It feels like, she has to choose me or him, and clearly she chose him 10 years ago when he hit me and she did nothing. It is just such a deep pain.

EDIT: thank you for all of the responses sharing your own insights and experiences. I feel so much less alone ❤️

She abandoned my cat to punish me for "leaving her".

After I graduated my country's equivalent of high school, I got zilch support on what to do next, apart from her malicious celebration of being almost done with the burden of caring for me.

When the opportunity arose for me to vanish to the other end of the planet for a year, I took it. It was the first time away from her for a longer period. I didn't know it consciously back then how much I needed that and was stricken with guilt for not calling or writing an email everyday.

On one of those rare calls, I was lucid enough through all the FOG to ask about my cat, Cosmo.

"Oh, him? Yeah, he's been gone. For months, actually."

"... what? How? Why?"

"He left one day in winter, didn't come back."

"Why didn't you look for him??"

"Didn't feel like it."

That was the conversation. It just resurfaced and hit me on a whole new level. "No regards for me or any other living being" is an understatement. I finally have the safe space to grieve Cosmo, but it's an audacity I even have to feel this. This evil woman.

Rant over. Feel free to unload a horrific memory of your own. We need a space for these kind of experiences.

This is the place to share positive news, events, goals, accomplishments, good moments and general chit chat with each other.

I've been estranged from my mom for 2 years. Therapy has reinforced that it was the right thing to do but I still have doubts sometimes.

Thanksgiving night I was driving home from work through a residential neighborhood. It seemed like half the houses were glowing with light and bustling with people. Driveways overflowed onto the street with cars. It was....dramatic. My reaction to it caught me off guard. I was overwhelmed with sadness, loss, regret. I always wanted a big TV family growing up. A bunch of siblings and aunts & uncles who all loved each other and said so. Instead I got an absent father, a cold, passive aggressive, manipulative mother, and no sibs.

Last summer I lost someone very very dear to me. Tonight my husband & I accidentally ventured into a different location of what had been our favorite restaurant. I haven't been able to go back since he died. I thought I could do it because I didn't want to make a scene or inconvenience the server. My sweet husband said no one will notice and the server's only brought us water. So we left. I've spent the rest of the evening trying to put on a happy face but dying inside. My husband's asleep now so I can release the tears at my pity party and hope tomorrow feels better. I hate this time of year.

I know I would be justified, but I’m scared that a NC decision will radiate and impact my relationship with my sister (close) and my mom (working on it).

But yes, he parked the car and yelled and screamed for three fucking hours. I eventually couldn’t take it anymore, blacked out, started screaming and cursing. I don’t know what I said in those moments and that had never happened before. I’m not proud of myself and it makes me feel even more afraid that I’ll end up like him.

When I recounted the event to my sister and mom, they both had trauma responses. We are all victims of his abuse and there simply is not enough good to outweigh the bad. This is not something I need in my adult life.

Any and all comments or advice would be appreciated.

A few days ago I posted about potentially being estranged from my parents due to a very brief response to my email regarding boundaries. As a follow up, whoever said the lack of communication wouldn't last totally called it, lol.

I got a text from my mom yesterday that turned out to be bait - she asked how I was doing, and when I said "fine" she decided to share how hurt she was that I wasn't reaching out, and how horrible her health is. This is something I didn't mention in my last post, but my mom has had health issues my whole life, and lately she's been having a whole host of issues. She called a couple months back to tell me about it all, but then downplayed it and said "don't worry though, I'm not worried."

I responded to her text by explaining that I didn't reach out because I was letting her read/process the letter I sent. I got a novel in response to that.

She started by saying she didn't know what I wanted her to say or do... In response to the letter that told her exactly what I needed her to say AND do. Then she listed out all of her health issues, which I now realize is manipulation - she told me not to worry about her health, but now that she wants something, she says she doesn't feel like I care about her because I haven't asked.

After that, she told me they love me unconditionally, the most, forever, except for God who loves me more. She also told me they, and God, would "never give up" on me. There was also something about how I should honor my parents because they raised me. So basically a lot of religious talk, after I specifically asked her to not preach at me.

Finally, she ended with the line "if it isn't good, it isn't from the Lord." To me, this just says "anything I think is bad is caused by the devil", which is basically my parents' entire belief system. Because I'm trans, and when I first came out she implied that the devil made me feel that way (and then denied that she said that), all of this religious stuff comes across as her telling me she will pray for me to change my mind about being trans. I know if I mention this she would 100% deny it though.

I am planning to respond and point out that I told her exactly what I need her to do, and that if she refuses to ever call me her son, her "unconditional" love is not the type of love I need. I'm also going to reiterate that I want to spend time around people who respect me, and if she respects my boundaries, she can be one of those people. After that, I don't think I will engage with anything they text me beyond surface level stuff.

I could use some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing, and some encouragement to not engage with any future novels they might send me. Thanks for reading (again).

UPDATE: I sent a response early this morning telling my mom to reread my letter and acknowledging her health issues. I appreciate and understand the comments that it might not be a good idea to respond, but I (perhaps selfishly) did it to make myself feel better. At this point I don't think I can make anything clearer, so I don't plan to respond to future messages from her. Thanks again for the support.