She was my childhood best friend (elementary school best friend.) We were never truly on good terms after fifth grade, though, because in fifth grade some of the girls in our grade were against her, and I failed to take her side. I always knew that my failure to do so/decision to led to her having negative feelings towards me. It wasn’t that I was “against” her, it’s moreso that I tried to mediate and wouldn’t explicitly go with her in spite of the fact that we had been friends for years. I think it made her believe that I was fake. I suppose that I was.

When I think back to our childhood, I now actually remember her as having been somewhat sensitive.

In middle school, she angered a lot of our classmates, including our friend group. I recall that she tended to be kind of argumentative and abrasive. She wasn’t “nice.” Our classmates weren’t nice either, however, if I’m being honest. The majority of them made fun of her for being fat behind her back. In hindsight it makes sense to me that she was toxic, though, even though I don’t think it was okay, because I’ve always remembered that when we were kids, I never felt that her parents treated her very well. I always perceived that her little sister was her mother’s favorite child, and her father started struggling with drug addiction when we were in elementary school. I remember her as having been sensitive and fun to be around when we were children. I was very introverted, and she brought me out of my shell. She was the one between the two of us who I knew was better at making friends, and I never felt disrespected by her until 4th grade, when I started to perceive that she was bossy. It’s been so many years now that I can’t tell you whether or not I think she just changed, though.

Interestingly enough, in spite of the fact that she was rather disliked at the first middle school she attended (to a point wherein after her other best friend kicked her out of our friend group there was quite literally almost no one in our grade who wanted to hangout with her) she became quite popular very quickly after switching to a new school in either 7th or 8th grade (it’s been so long that I can’t quite remember which year it was anymore.) She switched to the middle school that had a joint high school. I remember that, when I mentioned her in 10th grade, two of the people I was then working with in an organization didn’t seem to “know” that she was so disliked at our old school nor immediately understand why (I may be misremembering, but I swear that one of them mentioned that in regards to her becoming popular as quickly as she did at the new school, they had “never seen anything like that.”) I know that she is a big fan of Lana Del Rey. She hasn’t posted to her Instagram in a little over three years, but I seem to remember that one of her last reels featured the song “Brooklyn Baby.”

She was no longer, I don’t think, really on the average person’s radar by the time we were upperclassmen in high school. I actually remember that she had to switch to a different high school (the one people in my area attend to make up credits) because her grades weren’t ideal. She switched over quarantine, I think.

She started smoking weed early on, in either 8th or 9th grade. She had a boyfriend in 8th or 9th grade as well who was two-three years older, I believe, who I never thought was attractive. I know that they fell out badly. I actually think I had anxiety group with him. I don’t remember him very well, but I didn’t necessarily think that he seemed like a super kind person.

She had stopped attending our old middle school in the first place because her other childhood best friend (their moms had always been close) told her directly one day that no one in our friend group liked her. It was true. I remember that in 8th grade, people in that friend group (who I ended up falling out with myself) found out that she had become popular at the new school through gossip, and unsurprisingly a few of them decided they wanted to be on good terms with her in high school so they could gain the same kind of popularity. When high school started, she actually began hanging around the people in that friend group again, including the girl who had told her off. I know she had always wanted to reconcile with that girl - I also knew that that girl sincerely didn’t like her and probably continued to talk about her behind her back after they reconciled, but I don’t think she ever caught onto it herself. I notice that they mutually stopped following each other on Instagram sometime around or after high school graduation, so I think she knows it now, and has probably moved on.

I also seem to remember that in middle school, before switching schools, she tended to make racist and homophobic comments (a lot of our classmates were like that though, actually. Middle school seems to be a time wherein people are at their worst.) She and her other best friend tended to use the slur for lesbian (the one that starts with a d) in casual conversation.

It seems that she grew up to be a Trump supporter, though she never posts about it. I noticed months ago that she follows him on Instagram.

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hi guys, I'm mainly struggling on finding my tritype. advice on my instinct would help too. please try to read it all, theres a lot of information and its not organized the best, its kinda scattered all over the place.

What is your strongest emotion?

I think the strongest emotions that I feel the most often are jealousy, admiration, and contempt. I know that sounds stupid but when I think about it that is the root of everything else I feel. when I talk to someone I am constantly in a state of comparison, comparing them to myself and to others. every time something impresses me I have to take note that they are better or worse than me in some aspect. I'm jealous of people for having better grades without trying, for being closer with friends I thought I was closer with, for being better at things I pride myself in, etc. I am often sad for seemingly no reason. I do not think it is necessarily my strongest emotion because it results from me constantly feeling inferior to everybody else in every way possible and feeling worthless like my life has no meaning and I have not and will not ever accomplish anything useful to this world.

What are you proud of about yourself?

I'm really not proud of anything about myself. When answering this question, I think back on what I have been praised for. So, I guess I would say the fact that I am very empathetic, as in I feel bad for people, I feel guilt easily. One of my friends said that she noticed that I'm uncompromising and stubborn, but I will suddenly feel guilt or feel bad when seeing the other perspective. I think it kinda reassures me that I'm not a terrible human being and an absolute shitface LMAO. Also, I like how I am able to notice a lot of small details in people. It often comes to their looks, how they style themselves, their test scores, their grades, etc. Their interests as well, but I don't care much about that, unless I am preparing to buy them a birthday present. When gifting presents, I always want it to be the BEST. I want them to see my gift and think "oh my god that is exactly what I wanted. how did she know?" I will not be happy unless my gift is the best out of all the gifts they receive. I also hope that people will gift me things I like too, and I am disappointed when they don't, but what should I have expected? (sorry kinda went off topic here)

What are you disappointed in about yourself?

That in my head, I turn everything into a competition. Even as I don't try in school, I put in no work and expect things to come to me, I am inconsistent in working out and even keeping up with my own extracurriculars. Everything becomes a comparison, I can never truly just admire someone for their accomplishments or feel happy for them without comparing them to myself and feeling inferior, unless i am completely uninvolved in that field (which may lead to why i don’t like participating in things im bad at).

I'm also extremely selfish. Although I don't like to admit it, I put myself first too much or too little, and I don't think I always have everyones best interests at mind, despite what it seems like. When talking to people, I always put them on a scale in my head. "1400 SAT? I'm smarter than you. You're inferior. 1500? Then you're smart and you have my respect. You have strong work ethic? Well, I don't, so I'll give you that. But I could do better if I tried. I have better style than you. But you are smart so that evens out and we are on the same level." I think I even avoid talking to people I view inferior. However, I hide this very well. I show myself as a very humble person, but internally, I am constantly judging everyone around me for every move they make, for every choice they make, etc. In class, even as I usually fall behind since I don't ever pay attention in class, when I do know what's going on, I love helping others to fuel my ego. It makes me feel like I am needed.

How do you want to be viewed in the eyes of others?

Ideally, I want to be viewed as a good person who genuinely cares for others and is admired for being good at SOMETHING and being the best at it.

How do you view yourself?

I'm in irrelevant person who hasn’t really accomplished something in her life and kinda worthless to the world, ingenuine and shallow and doesn't have many real friends who really like her as a person, like often I think to myself “If I left would they even notice?”, I'm incredibly lazy and won't do anything to change my situation, cannot motivate myself to do anything I enjoy, often can't even get out of bed

What is your personal solution to boredom?

Sleep, go on social media, text my friends, and sometimes play games (but I suck so I don't enjoy it) on a rare day when I'm feeling motivated ill go into a spiral of doing hobbies I enjoy, often even overindulging, for hours and hours on end even leading into several days. For example, I got into this one anime and I instantly binged the entire thing. Or, I got back into drawing and it was all I did for every waking hour of the day, for days on end. (And then I didn't touch it again)

What would you do if someone other than you cried?

Hug them (unless they don't like physical touch), try to comfort them, pat their backs, offer them tissues or bring them to a bathroom for privacy, just do anything I can to make them stop crying and feel better and probably try to spend money on them later. I want people to think I am a good person who wants to help others. I want them to think that I am someone they can depend on, even if I don't enjoy it if people keep asking me for things. Unless it fuels my ego. I want people see me helping them out, and go "wow, shes so nice." I want the friend to look at me and go "wow, she is such a great friend to me."

What is your view of humans?

Sometimes, humans can be so amazing and emotional and caring and beautiful, and I just admire the world that we live in. But sometimes humans can also be so terrible and cruel and mean and selfish. It really fluctuates a lot. And I guess there just has to be a balance between those, but I often wonder if maybe the entire world is just sick and people only do good and caring things for their own good. That is likely, but it is biased by my own perception. I think that I help people out of the goodness of my heart. I care for everyone because I am so good and nice and moral. But at the same time, I often don't care for these people. I just want them to see that I help them.

How do you feel about competition?

Ok I already talked about this, but for competition itself I think it's good in healthy doses. How else can you push each other and get better? But too much is bad too, nobody likes a super competitive person. and if u make everything a competition it takes the fun out of things

In a situation where you make a claim and everyone else is disagreeing, how do you react?

Well, usually if I make a claim I'm correct or very confident in what I'm saying. I wouldn't make a claim I am adamant on if I'm wrong like that's just embarrassing. Depending on the group, i will either (1) shut down and let them keep being wrong and screw it up I told u so lmao (2) firmly defend myself and probably get pissed and raise my voice and do anything I can to prove I am completely in the right and I am correct. if someone goes like “ok fine well go with your idea” or just seems like they're going with it to make me calm down, I will get more pissed and try to convince them fully that I am right and make them truly BELIEVE me. Because I HAVE to make them see the error of their ways, because I am right IM the one whos been right, how dare you not believe me in the first place.

When do you feel the world is against you and no one is listening to you?

When I'm trying to make a point and everyone ignores me, or anytime I say something I think is important and get ignored.

What do you believe is the ulterior motive of everyone around you?

Not sure! I think everyone’s inherently very selfish but idk

How judgmental and critical are you of yourself and others?

Very…………… I think you got the gist from my previous answers… I am constantly judging people! i am also constantly comparing people to myself and to others, I am not proud of myself for this it kinda sucks it makes me feel like a bad person

Elaborating on this: like I said, I mentally put everyone on a scale in my head. I rate people's intelligence purely off of their SAT's. Grades are just work ethic. Raw SAT is a good measure of intelligence. This persons smarter than me, this person's dumber, etc. You aren't worthy of talking to me. This persons prettier, this persons more popular. I rate them all in my head.

Do you feel like there is something you lack that other people have?

Yeah lots of stuff like work ethic and being a good person and being liked and meaning something to the world

Extra notes:

Academics - In school, I am very laid back. Although my grades are extremely mediocre, averaging at a low B to high C but in almost all 5.0 classes, I never feel like studying, so I don't. I am often overconfident on tests, even after only learning the unit the day of, and then I am surprised when I don't score as high as everyone else. I have almost no ambition. I prefer to stay at home and rot in my bed, to sleep away my life. Yet, I still want to be the best at everything I do. When trying out something new, if I do not pick it up pretty quickly, or even if I do and there are still many who are better and make me feel inferior, I get frustrated and discouraged. However, I do have ambition in some cases. I have been able to finish the majority of a 10 page paper in one night due to sheer procrastination and last second panic, and squeak past with a high B or low A.

I put off studying for tests until the last second. Sometimes I'll even skip class just because I don't want to take it and didn't study at ALL. And I never turn in assignments. I have like two 50 point projects missing for a class that doesn't accept late work, but I don't panic. I always just shrug it off. "Whatever, it'll work out in the end." Even if it doesn't work out. I failed a class last year. But I didn't panic. It is what it is, I couldn't change it, what use is it to panic? I'll just not fail next year lmao. And I have so so so much missing work I haven't turned in. And I never worry. I have zero worry. I have full confidence it'll work out in the end, and even if it doesn't, its whatever. Its a little embarrassing when people ask to compare GPA's but I'm always like, "well i don't really try lmao." I've never cared about the Ivies either. I HATE studying. If I was given the choice to be accepted, I would decline. I'm fine with the state university that has an 80% acceptance rate, since so many people from my school go there. I try less than so many people around but we're all gonna end up in the same place. So, who's the real winner here?

Also, I rationalize a lot. "I only failed that test because I didn't study lmao." "Oh yeah we got the same score... but I only studied for thirty minutes last block." Who's the real winner here? 😂 (probably them because all these tiny victories don't matter but whatever I don't give a shit lmao as long as I feel good in the moment I don't care)

Self-image - I struggle a lot with self-image. I look in the mirror and I can't bear to look at myself, because I see myself as such an ugly, worthless, failure of a human being. I can almost never go outside without makeup. I pay very close attention to how much attention all my friends receive, and I compare it to myself. Why do boys like her more? Why do people pay more attention to her? What about me? What's wrong with me? My confidence is often very low. I'm constantly checking my appearance, does my outfit look good? Do I look fat? Do I look too skinny? Is my hair messy? Is my makeup neat? However, sometimes I will be SO overconfident. Usually late at night, or on a good day. I look in the mirror and I'm like "damn.. I would too." There is just this insane fluctuation.

I’m also always obsessed with the latest beauty standard. Two years ago, I was literally researching skin whitening creams and weight loss (even though I am underweight) because I was obsessed with kpop. Now, I’m obsessed with the gym and “abgs.” The ideal look changes from time to time.

Role models - Adding on to the self-image part. In order to make myself less boring, I take what people insult about me and attempt to improve them. One of my friends, who has very niche music taste and prides himself in it, insults me all the time for my music taste being bad. Over a few months, I completely stopped listening to Kpop, even though I used to LOVE it. I still do enjoy it, but I feel shame for not listening to better music. I saw that a lot of my friends listen to hip hop and rap, Kendrick Lamar, Tyler the Creator, etc, and I immersed myself in it. Of course, I enjoy it too, but that was part of the cause. I see that my friend is pretty and popular and people like her, so i subconsciously copy her. Her mannerisms, her confidence, and sometimes even her outfit choices and hobbies.

My demeanor - This entire post has been extremely negative, but this is all stuff I would never admit. I have only admitted any of this to one of my closest friends, who is an even bigger typology nerd lmfao in order to find my type. If you met me in person, without seeing this post, I'd seem a bit closed off at first. Pretty timid, afraid to talk to strangers, etc. However, if I see some value in becoming friendly with you, e.g. you're friends with my friend, I consider you cool, I consider you smart, etc, then I will be more friendly. If I don't give a shit about you I won't try to give off a certain impression, but I do try to be polite. When comfortable with friends, I become very loud, often not being able to control my own volume level. I am usually very positive. I repeat brainrot because I think it's funny. I repeat jokes when I think they are funny. I try to be funny and likeable.

TDLR In person I'm very positive, fun loving and extroverted. Closed off to strangers, sometimes closed off to friends when my social battery is out or I'm annoyed I've been ignored, I haven't been having as much as I could be, everyone is having more fun than me, etc.

Praise - Any praise sticks with me forever. Any criticism also sticks with me forever. If someone praises me, I will hold it close to my heart. I will reference back on it when I doubt myself in that field. I still remember when my father remarked that I have "perfect shooting form" around 7 years ago. I don't even play basketball that much. I also still remember the time a kid at a summer camp told me I was weird and unfunny. In the moment, I went "haha, thats a compliment. I like being weird!" But I really didn't. People often told me I was weird in elementary school, and I didn't like that. I would tell everyone that I liked being weird, though. I did not change myself in order to fit in. I was friends with the people that thought I wasn't weird (like one friend lmao) and thought to myself, "ha none of them deserve to be friends with me. I'm so much better than the rest of them."

My whole life I've been plagued by the thoughts of being a monster, and I've always feared that I am unlovable and no one would care if I died. Despite always avoiding conflict, I'd rarely explode in anger, insult everyone around me and destroy relationships with them. I became extremely aggressive in my last relationship where my boyfriend would constantly make me feel insignificant and unimportant and we'd argue literally every day with me being very verbally violent. If I feel like I can't afford to be angry, I run away completely.

In public I'm serious and rather cordial, but while I used to be absolutely starved for love and attention, now I've become a misanthropist who prefers to avoid people altogether. Seeing people happy kind of pisses me off anyways so I don't wanna see how well everyone else is doing. I used to be very open with my feelings and thoughts, but since I got called whiny and everyone treated me as annoying, I stopped giving a shit about sharing my thoughts and emotions with anyone, about which I feel extremely bitter and hateful. I feel alien.

While I'm constantly ruminating about how miserable I feel, I don't really allow myself to truly feel these emotions and I'm stuck in this low energy state, robbing myself off of happiness so I don't have to deal with my suffering. I mean, I don't believe there is any love and goodness for me in the world anyways, so why bother doing anything anymore. I feel discarded, betrayed, forgotten, insignificant and abandoned. I don't even know what I'd need in life to feel happy, I just imagine that being loved would make me whole, but there is nothing but a deep empty void in my chest, and I'm having doubts there is anyone or anything who could fill it.

I'm very inactive and don't do anything until I have to, in order to avoid any disappointment I'd feel in case I fail. Instead I live in made up scenarios in my head, imagining scenarios where I'm special by either being completely insane or an emotionless machine, so someone finally notices me, or I dream of power and control. These scenarios may or may not be violent in nature. I can't make a decision until I drive myself to a point of near insanity and then go "fuck it, it doesn't matter what I do as long it's something". I've already abandoned my entire old life once and started over completely from scratch, and I feel sort of compelled to do it again.

I fucking hate society, I just wanna be a nomad with one person who'd truly love me.

I feel like I see traits from 4s, 6s, 9s, 8s and 2s in me and there are points in each that i relate to, but I can't make sense of it, and none really fits more than the other.

I accepted last night after multiple conversations with my mother, whose mental health is declining more and more every day, that I am not doing as well as I could be doing now that I have been out of high school for a year because of my family and life experiences. I am working (second job I’ve had since graduating from high school as a behavioral technician, which I am actually really enjoying) and taking community college courses, but I feel as though if I hadn’t experienced so much trauma, I would be doing even better. Sleeping better, more comfortable with the idea of using the money I’ve saved up (nearly $22k, and my father owes me some more since he started taking from my bank account when I was seventeen without my knowing) to move out. Since I grew up with so little of it, I am very careful about saving money.

I have also begun to notice that I have recently been surprisingly calm while watching my mother’s mental health deteriorate. Last night, she stayed up very late - until 6am, actually - talking to herself, yelling aloud throughout much of the day yesterday, about how my father and aunt “set her up.” She suggested to me that she believes they have been working together, that both are involved in awful things because this is what her tarot cards told her (sex trafficking.) She believes they both “manipulated” my brother and I into turning against her. She also revealed something very dark about my grandmother. It really is a lot to take in, and I have to say that I’ve been coping by trying my best to avoid thinking about it. When I have thought about it, I’ve thought about how really, I need to work towards obtaining a college degree and figuring out what I want to do longterm to better my chances of getting away from all of this. I haven’t cried over it or anything, though. Although I may be wrong for this, I actually tried to refrain from laughing at points when hearing what my mother was saying about my father and aunt being involved in such horrific things because it’s all just so absurd. All of it. My family, that is. I actually do believe my mother about some of the things she’s said my father and aunt have done (that my father took a lot of her money, that my aunt stole her ID years ago) and I know that I should really encourage her to seek out some mental health support. But I’d be lying if I said that it wasn’t a lot to deal with, because it is. And I’ve been dealing with it by trying my best, actually, to not think about it even though I know that what she is saying is… well, extremely dark. Deep down inside I’m worried about it, but I probably look or seem calm on the outside.

My mother described me as being cold towards her. I think I am, because I know that her energy is off. I do admit that I think I distance myself from my mother somewhat. I feel that she is a bad person, more bad than good, in spite of the fact that I believe most people simply don’t have good morals as opposed to being “bad.”

I have been told that I, for the most part, come off “normal” in spite of what I have experienced over the years. I looked rather sad in high school at times, though. I know that my family is “abnormal.” I think that in my case, it helps that my childhood (5-10) was more stable.

I have started studying ahead of time for an exam I’ll need to take for my job in order to receive a $2/hr raise. I try to study a little bit every day, and I actually have taken the practice tests so many times that I now “remember” the answer to certain questions. I need to find a different way of studying, and I know it.

I actually presently quite like my job. I’ve had a client for a little over a month at this point. I find the principles of ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) fascinating and I love that I have a job wherein I am able to help others. I worked the longer shift last week and enjoyed it for the most part. I have tended to ask my BCBA’s a lot of questions in the group chat since I started working with client (what protocol is when client climbs on table/how to safely get them down, questions about whether or not I’m scoring something correctly, etc.) I honestly did this often at my former job, too. It frustrates certain people, but I wouldn’t want to risk a child getting hurt in my care nor get in trouble for doing something wrong and I do believe that asking questions is what helps one become better at their job.

Something I’ve noticed is that as I grow older, I feel like I’m calming down. I don’t know what it is. Well, actually, if I had to guess, it might have something to do with my brother not living with us anymore. I actually had quite a bit of sympathy for him between the ages of 16-17 after realizing how abusive our parents had been towards him… but I’d be lying if I said that the way he behaved when his own mental health was declining didn’t unsettle me. Things I can’t even talk about because of how bad they were. I’ve also tried my best to stop thinking about him as much as I’ve become an adult, even though it may not be fair, because I think that for me, it really is healthier.

I understand that it is best that I do not have a boyfriend, because with my trauma and family issues, I know that the relationship is bound to fail. I am ISFJ.

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1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?

I'm looking for something to fill the deep all-consuming void in my chest. Some sort of purpose or a reason to live. Realistically I should seek inner peace, but in my delusion, I believe some infinite source of external love could replace the love I cannot give myself and make me whole.

I don't know what I could say about drive in life. The only thing that drives me are bouts of rage, but besides that, I don't really feel a pulling find. If I feel betrayed, I will be relentless in my fury, but other than that, I don't see a point.

2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?

Internal peace and happiness.

3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?

I want to avoid wasting my life and then die with regret.

Authenticity, honesty, love and freedom are important to me.

4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?

Being left completely alone to my own devices without help or support. I'm terrified of having to take care of myself, as I don't consider myself competent.

Also the anger of someone who has some control over my life.

5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?

I want others to see me as wise and intelligent. To see me as superior to themselves.

I see myself as a failure, an empty shell of a person, and a monster.

6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?

I feel the best when I do what I consider a necessary course of action, no matter how emotionally distressing it might be to myself or someone else.

I feel the worst when I betray myself, get betrayed by someone else, lose control over my emotions or when something in my life is out of my control and there is nothing I can do.

7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.

Anger: Uncontrollable, violent and powerful. In the moment I feel strong, but afterwards I feel incredibly exhausted and inhumane.

Shame: I suffer from a lot of internalized shame. It exists mostly in social settings, where I could be subjected to public ridicule. If my perceived failure is judged silently by the opposing party, I criticize and torture myself on their behalf (or at least what I believe that would be). If however the other party explicitly confirms I'm being judged, I become defensive.

Anxiety: A prevalent part of my life. I hold a very damaging belief that if I am too happy, something will go terribly wrong, and therefore, if I want something to turn out well, I have to be anxious about the outcome.

8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.

Stress: I get consumed by the pressure and can't mentally function.

Unexpected change: I can't stand unpredictability. The lack of control makes me angry and irritated.

Conflict: I'm not very conflict averse perse if the opposing party is of equal or inferior status to mine, that is, if I believe a conflict with said person couldn't have the potential to damage me existentially or socially. Then I retaliate with full force. If they are hierarchically superior, I prefer to avoid conflict altogether, but if I feel continuously disrespected, I will reach a threshold, which will lead to me either exploding in rage and cutting all connection with this person, or leaving quietly while cutting all connection with this person.

9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?

I don't believe in authority, I don't look up to someone who tries to be a leader, and I viscerally despise those who need to externalize their source of security by giving up their freedom to such a figure. I need no God other than myself.

While I like to fantasize about having power and imposing my values onto others, I do not want anyone to exert their power over me, and I will rather die than let someone impose on me how to live.

10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?

I consider life a curse rather than a blessing, as it's filled with so much senseless pain. The worst part is that despite life being ultimately meaningless, when living in psychological torment, the meaninglessness of suffering only leads to greater suffering. As I cannot consent to being born, the act of creation is in my opinion therefore immoral.

I both love and despise humanity. Humans have such deep capacity for both wisdom and absolute idiocy. While I do not believe in a higher power, seeing goodness always lose by just a tiny fraction makes me wonder if someone is just fucking with us at this point...

Optional Questions

Comment on your relationship with trust.

The closer someone is to me, the less I trust them. After all, betrayal always comes from a friend, not an enemy.

What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?

I'm not good at noticing things in strangers, I usually identify every action as negative or threatening. But I think I'm much better at deeply understanding human psyche and if someone becomes very close, I can identify why they behave a certain way, even if they don't know it themselves.

If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?

I wouldn't really care if someone explicitly insults me, as I'd consider it more of their personal problem than mine. I'd either just ignore the person, stare at them for a couple seconds and leave, or insult them back if I get an opening. I'd rather come out victorious out of this interaction after all.

If someone compliments me, I'd be very careful accepting such praise, as my first thought would be that it's meant to be a disguised insult. If they seem genuine, I'd politely thank them, but such compliment couldn't really reach far before being executed by the omnipresent shame I feel.

She is my mother. She is fifty-two years old as of this year, and her mental health declines more and more each and every day. It has become worse, I’d say, ever since about a month or so ago when I discovered that my father has been taking my money since I was 17, and took $10k of it (I had to open up my bank account when I was a minor as a joint bank account due to laws in my area.) He has started paying me back, but her paranoia has increased since then. I think that for her, this was the final straw. I think it has finally truly sunk in for her - truly sunk in - that she has made a pile of bad decisions. She has told me many times in the past about how she is partly so poor/not financially stable nor independent because my father stole or took a large chunk of her money, in addition to my aunt who also took a lot of inheritance money they had gotten from my great grandmother’s house. She is additionally disabled and we are having a hard time affording surgery, so I think that all of these are factors as to why her mental health is steadily declining (it’s been a gradual decline, not all at once. I first remember her suggesting that most people are “robots” when I was very young, probably about 12. My brother was in high school, and that kind of talk was more influential for/on him. He is presently in rehab, and has been for many years, though he is nearing 25.)

When I say that her mental health is declining, here is what I mean: she has spent most of the past two days accusing my father of having been apart of a plot with her sister to “set her up.” She is very overweight, and looks very tired. She has gradually started to take worse care of her appearance as her mental health has declined. When I was a child, although she was overweight, she took very good care of her appearance - wore the right makeup, changed up her hairstyles, etc. I know that my aunt has wronged her - she mentioned that my aunt stole her identity (got, I think, a DUI or something in her name) when I was little. I believe her.

She was conventionally attractive, a long time ago. The type who knew how to prep her makeup and style her hair. She has had multiple boyfriends throughout her lifetime, technically ranging back to her childhood, though if you met her now you honestly may not believe it. She was still conventionally attractive up until

She had an extremely abusive childhood. Her father was physically abusive, often beating she and my aunt (she described a memory of my grandfather punching my aunt in the face when they were minors “like a man.”) She was on the streets by the age of twelve, I believe, after she and my aunt called the police on my grandparents.

As I type this, I can hear her talking to herself (screaming, which she has been doing often throughout the last two days) about how she believes a doctor who gave her tests poisoned her. She just said that “game time is over” and that this is “wicked shit” - a lot of “collaborations” is what I just heard her say. And just thanked Jesus afterwards. She also accused my father earlier today of putting poison in the donuts he recently bought for us (which doesn’t make sense, actually, since I ate one when I got home from a babysitting gig this morning and wasn’t hurt.) She actually went back into their bedroom to accuse him of doing this directly, and asked him to eat one to prove it wasn’t poisonous. She has been claiming for the past two days that my aunt and father have been working together to kill her. After learning that my father took a lot of the money I’ve been saving (has been doing this and lying about it) she also demanded credit reports from him I think. She’s been spiraling since then.

I recall that when I was about sixteen (potentially fifteen) I could tell once based upon her body language that she was prepared to hit me when I suggested I wanted to get the Covid vaccine. After she “lost” (really quit) her job as a social worker due to the vaccine mandate in 2020, she started spending the majority of time at home, watching conspiracy videos about the vaccine. She is still insistent on it being the flu, and her energy when she thought I had gotten the vaccine this year was off.

This was her profile caption years ago, perhaps a decade or more ago: “I am a politically motivated Leo who loves her intellect to show. I am super magnetic, lyrically energetic, and oftentimes I am prophetic. To me, it is easy to relate. On me, you should never hate or I will continuously berate til with anger you quake!”

It’s like all of her trauma is coming out at once right now. I have to admit that for the last few years, I’ve had mixed feelings towards her, because I don’t believe she truly wants to get better. She has started going to the doctor more often which I think is great, but I’ve honestly understood since I was in middle school (8th grade) that her energy is off. She is mentally unwell (and upset about my father and I having suggested this, she tends to shout it in a mocking tone) but I also believe that she is just a bad person. She used to “hit” my older brother sometimes when he was little, which I’m confident contributed to his mental health problems. She stayed with my father even though he was emotionally abusive towards my brother and threatened to physically abuse him when he was a child. When I was a child, she was better. She was a homemaker/stay at home mom and involved with my brother and I. Her parenting wasn’t perfect, but she was “normal” for the most part. She has also been loudly accusing my father of cheating and of being “on the down low” (LGBT, cheating with men.) Her husband (my father) is off, too. He’s always been heavy drinker, and both of them started talking about “gangstalking” when I was in middle school. I try my best to not think about any of it. I suspect that she has schizophrenia or something close to it and always have, but I must admit that I’m not sure.

She has called herself a “sweet” person multiple times over the past two days (she’s not.) She’s shouting right now about my aunt - about my aunt’s old eating disorder (I know she has a fear of vomiting into adulthood because of childhood experiences with her,) her “devious ways,” about how God has shown her, etc.

She has been talking over the past two days about how all of her dreams have been interpreted, religious dreams. What’s interesting about her is that when I was a child, she really did seem so normal - used to seem more empathetic than she does now when I was in elementary school, none of my classmate’s parents nor my teachers (with the exception of one middle school science teacher) seemed to know that anything was wrong. I’ve complained to her in the past about her swearing in conversation with me as well, she claimed that since I’m an adult there’s nothing wrong with it. I still think it’s odd to swear in conversation with your child who graduated from high school a year and a half ago, though. Doesn’t seem normal, but then again a lot of things about this family aren’t.

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I looked a lot into on google. It said 5w4 were more sensitive and creative. I am a very creative person and I love art and music but I’m not very sensitive. I tend to be sensitive over things that most others aren’t. I’m not sensitive towards people or being called out but I become sensitive by things much more complex than being made fun of or being sad. For example if I’m around too many people or too many loud noises I’ll become sensitive. If I get kicked out of doing something I’ll get sensitive but im not sensitive towards people and also I’m an autistic and I’m an Intp. I’m also very creative and I love to draw, make little songs and all sorts of things like that. I’m very introverted, people frustrate me, scare me, I get very tired and withdraw when I’m stressed or do not like to be social anymore. My social battery runs down very quickly. I’ve heard that 4s tend to be more idealistic and aren’t as logical and are very intuitive. I need things to be logical. One time my sister said she wanted a band called moonstars it was creative but the problem was that the moon doesn’t have stars and stars are very far away in space. I’m imaginative but in my own way. My imagination is all things that can possibly happen. I do not imagine about things that are impossible or sound weird. I’m also very analytical, I search for everything when observing things. I’m also very observant in social situations like school. I like to watch people and understand them. I pay attention to their behaviors and how they act. I tend to keep away from the people I know are going to frustrate me. I can get social towards the people I know but for a very short amount of time. When with family I don’t like to hang around or mess with them I’d rather watch a movie. I tend to stay in my bed all day and either draw, think or sit on my phone. I have a very strong interest in paleontology. I’m seeking information from it and also typology. I know I’m a type 5 because my behavior matches how they are described. I tend to let the environment adapt around me than adapt to the environment. I like to look into subjects I’m interested in and very deeply. I look into things for very long times just to get the answer or learn things I don’t yet know. I’m a bit inflexible and skeptical around things when im uncomfortable. People try to push me out of my comfort zone making me seem inflexible because I choose not to do things they try and make me do. I wanna know what you guys think though I’m probably going to look more into it when I get answers.

She is one of those people I attended high school with who didn’t turn out the way I’d expected, now that she has been out for three years. She is the mother of an infant, and wrote on a profile around the time baby was due (first month of 2024) that her most recent experience was as cashier at Home Depot. Her younger sister also recently wrote “also run me my money dafuq” towards the end of a Thanksgiving post for/about her, which makes me believe that as I suspected, she is not financially stable. The impression I get from her is that she has been saving up money for years, though having a child is of course expensive. And although her mother has always seemed well off from my perspective, our area is expensive to live in, and considering that she has three younger siblings (one close in age,) it’s hard for me to believe that, family support or not, her mother is able to help her out enough to a point wherein she would never have to worry about money.

In high school, she seemed a lot different than she does now, from my perspective. I had always thought that she’d prove to be successful post high school - I thought she was going to end up high income like her mother, and I don’t think I was right about that. She seemed compassionate, sincerely compassionate. She was good looking, and I had also thought at the time that she was smart (I recall that once I was in our school’s learning center. She was able to help me with Geometry problems I was having trouble with, and had actually given me her phone number at the time just in case I needed further support.) I actually first met her in PE when I was in ninth grade, I think. She’d have been a junior. I think that I had looked really depressed (I actually was, at that time in my life.) She sat next to me, and just listened. I sensed that she was empathetic, truly empathetic.

In 2020, she had also come to a protest I planned and told me about the conditions of the city she lived in, and how people in her city could also use help/support. She talked about it for a long time - about her life, about her experiences. I actually did listen, even though I think she had believed towards the end that I hadn’t. I recall she suggested that she knew people who were in gangs, who “had” to join gangs because of the kind of conditions they’d grown up in. She’d told me about how her father had once been addicted to drugs (when she was a child) and about how her parents had her when they were teenagers.

Later on that year, towards the end of it, she ran for Black Student Union President as a senior (I suspect that she did this because at the time, she was still thinking of going to a 4 year university after high school, and knew that it would look good on an application.) She won, as did another popular guy. I lost. I was the person who had wanted the club to return, and had asked to be appointed. This was a mistake. After she fell through on a fundraiser she had planned for the club, she kind of fell into the background (which I’ve always thought was intentional. I think that she was embarrassed/ashamed,) and I started planning things for the club by myself. She actually knew I had complained about this on my personal spam account, I know she must have known because there was a girl who had won treasurer of the club (I think, it’s been so long that I don’t remember) who went through my private spam acc and told her, I think. I admit, now that I am older, that my communication could have been better. I don’t think I was fully in the wrong, though.

After graduating from high school, she actually did not immediately unfollow or block me, though. She gave me advice, including relationship advice. I realize when reflecting that she wasn’t as nice as I thought she was, though. For example, I seem to remember that she suggested I was likely “a phase” for the guy I was going out with - and this was probably true, but I personally would have used different/more polite terminology. She also said, I think, “wow really” when I said that the guy I ended up dating had a crush on this girl in our grade (she must have remembered the girl) who had bullying tendencies. She had planned on becoming a nurse, I remember, and was taking college courses geared towards nursing. I suspect she changed her mind about this. She also, strangely enough, continued to follow my former partner after blocking me even though I had asked her if I should tell my therapist that my former partner said he had viewed CP. She may have thought I was lying. I wasn’t. She blocked me shortly after I asked for makeup advice (she had responded and asked what kinds of brands I was looking for, then blocked me not long after) in… April 2022.

I actually recall that she was pregnant between late 2021-early 2022. I think she aborted, though she had been insistent on having the baby even though her mother and younger sister disapproved. I suspect, though I also can’t prove this, that the boyfriend she had at the time broke up with her after she told him she wanted to keep the baby. I recall she had said that she wasn’t looking forward to telling her family because they were religious, and suggested that she and her boyfriend were living together. Later on, she had suggested that she was working on saving up money in time for the baby’s due date, with no mention of the boyfriend, which let me know that they broke up even though she never explicitly said that.

She is seemingly still religious as an adult. She was overweight while pregnant and still somewhat overweight after having the baby. I notice that her vibe has changed. In high school, I don’t think she “knew” that she was good looking (I’m sure she had been told, but I don’t think she “knew” it. I remember that she once suggested when in a field trip for BSU as a senior that she didn’t know why a boyfriend she’d had in 10th grade had wanted her.) As a young adult, she looks like she knows that she’s pretty, though. She was always the type who looked like she prepped her makeup in the morning. On Tik Tok, she tends to like a lot of romantic geared posts (dating related, like about men buying you flowers, that sort of thing.) It’s clear to me that she’s a romantic, though the fact that she is an unwed mother makes me believe that her relationships haven’t worked out. The fact that she has a child will make her dating life harder, pretty or not. She looked irritated in November ‘23 in a picture her mother took of her while heavily pregnant. She doesn’t really have a social media presence, which I also think is intentional.

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Can’t tell which one I am, I think I’m too angry and hold too many grudges to be a 9 and I think I’m too passive to be an 8. When I’m angry I’m not ashamed and I just do things I want for myself, don’t live for any principal and yk. But I’m relaxed, not domineering, lazy, and I can even put others desires over my own (sometimes). I keep in the background and don’t talk all that often, I’m just concerned with doing what I want, when I’m provoked I respond and I can even struggle to forget about things . However, unless you do something particularly annoying I won’t care. I laugh it off when I’m insulted and even when people talk crap to my face I can take it without needing to respond, even smile back. I ignore and put off my responsibilities a lot and when I’m unhappy with a relationship I can cut ties almost immediately, though I regret that often. Don’t need to be a leader, somewhat comfortable taking orders as long as I don’t feel like I’m being bossed around. I can justify things I do by bringing up bad things that happened to me in the past. Kind of shameless. If I know I won’t win a fight/argument I won’t get into it. I hate when people try and scare me, and I hate adjusting my lifestyle/plans for anyone’s sake other than myself. Stubborn, observant, calm but temperamental, lazy, undisciplined, pleasure-seeking, reasonable, standoffish, eye for an eye, dress in sweats basically everyday, rbf, I can be pretty social, the closer we get the more likely I am to show my anger, but I’m still okay with showing it regardless. I think I’ve made a lot of stupid decisions out of anger, trusted my emotions too much, now I don’t. I can try to spite people years after they did something to me, I hate letting people get away with things, capable of it tho.

So I took the Truity Enneagram test yesterday and several others. I never get a consistent answer. These were my Truity results and it says I am a nine. My MBTI is an INFP. Please help!!! Thanks!

He is the only person I have dated. We went out in eleventh grade. We had started talking initially because his ex girlfriend (ESxP) moved states without telling him, and he had posted to his Instagram stories about feeling suicidal after it happened. I remember that he sounded legitimately upset. I will admit, in spite of the fact that this may make me a bad person, that I had partly reached out to him/tried to help him out because I understood that his ex girlfriend was not conventionally attractive (physically unattractive to me,) and thought that this meant it was more likely he may develop a crush on me/decide he wanted to take me out (although I was also concerned about his mental health/wellbeing.) He confessed, in November 2021 I believe, to having “feelings” for me over text. I suggested if we hung out in person I may come to return them (we did, and when I saw him with his mask down I liked his face enough that I decided I wanted him to take me out. He is overweight, and I recall that I wasn’t necessarily ‘attracted’ to him before seeing his face.)

The relationship proved to be terrible. I’m an ISFJ, and actually think about it sometimes as I almost find it kind of hard to believe when I reflect on it that I could be that incompatible with someone. The first month of it actually went very well - communication was good, things seemed like they were moving along smoothly. The last two months were very bad. Throughout the relationship, he disrespected my sexual boundaries multiple times (likely about three or four, once even seeming disinterested in me/seeming petty about it - it’s been years so now I don’t remember the specific circumstances - after I said I didn’t want him to feel me up or something like that, in the moment. I recall that he apologized later on and we talked about how it’d made him feel guilty, but when things like that happen it eventually starts adding up and leads to anger/frustration.) I also remember that I felt strong resentment toward him because he did not initially want me to tell the principal and/or dean that his ex girlfriend had threatened to fight me “on sight” and wanted to send someone after him as well, because our peers would “take sides” if they heard about it (typing this is also helping me remember that he once suggested early on when we hung out that he wanted to be famous. I also had the impression that he cared about popularity/his reputation, in a way that annoyed me a bit - hard to explain, but I remember feeling as though he kind of believed others cared about him more than they actually did.) This was even more frustrating for me since the situation with his ex actually came up again later on (and the school did not handle it well, but that’s not surprising.)

His ex (ESxP) was his longest, strongest crush. I recall that part of the reason as to why I had initially been curious about him is because when I learned that the ESxP (who I honestly had mixed feelings toward) had a boyfriend, I was surprised. She didn’t have the “look” of most girls who guys at my high school thought to be attractive, and I had also subjectively regarded her as being unattractive (I sincerely didn’t understand/“get” why someone would have a crush on her. She had an abusive mother and a very traumatic childhood, and was in foster care when I was chatting with her. I remember perceiving that she could actually be quite toxic even though I don’t think she lacked empathy, and seemed like she could have bullying tendencies. I didn’t quite understand the appeal.) I recall he once suggested when I admitted I hadn’t thought his ex was attractive that she looked like “a rat,” and suggested he only went out with her because she has a conventionally attractive body (I don’t think this is true. I think he really did like her.) I’m confident that it wouldn’t have worked out between them, though. He suggested that she moved states without letting him know because he “did something” and as someone who dated him, I can see how he could have angered her enough for her to make that kind of decision.

I recall that, although he had an IEP (not that having an IEP means someone isn’t smart) and wasn’t notably intelligent in my opinion (he asked me after I admitted my therapist had once called CPS in freshman year because of something my older brother did why I didn’t just ask her not to call CPS, didn’t seem to immediately understand that this wasn’t possible) he was still good at explaining things, things that he actually individually understood, if that makes sense. He was taking pre algebra as a junior, yet he seemed to recall different things about musicians he liked - I also remember that he was doing well in his chosen courses, or was on the honor roll as a senior. I saw him once, I think, when I was attending community college in person, so I know he actually did enroll in college courses, but I don’t know whether or not he’ll attain a degree.

Early this year, he posted stories wherein he is smoking cigarettes (which kind of made me sigh when I saw it. I was surprised when I first saw it, but then thought about it more and decided that it made sense - I remember he once suggested, whilst sounding very depressed like he sometimes tended to, that he grew up with his father and older brother smoking marijuana and sometimes found himself wanting to try it in part because of it/due to the fact that it was what he had been “surrounded by.”) Toward the end of our awful relationship, he suggested that he wasn’t as eager to go on dates because I had become (I actually don’t immediately remember what it was anymore) a bad relationship partner. I felt bad and apologized and stuff but realized after we broke up because I learned he’d blocked me from his stories that he is an awful person, and our relationship failing was really both our faults. We broke up over text, in part because he had “lost interest in the relationship.” I made sure about two weeks later to post on Instagram with a caption of “ain’t got no time for boys have plenty of time for friends” (I believe someone told him, and this prompted him to text me asking for the hoodie he gave me back. He also shoved past me in Art, which is actually where we had met.)

I recall that a former friend of mine suggested that in History as a junior, he had seemed “shy” and was very quiet and would hide behind his hoodie when he was supposed to do in class presentations.

I recall that when I told him about my older brother’s situation (depressed, not working, not taking college seriously, mainly living at home, had very traumatic/abusive childhood) he actually suggested that since my brother is (and was) an adult, he needed to take better care of himself and would likely benefit from trying to live on his own/obtain more independence. I remember I had been a bit offended by this at the time - it’s admittedly hard for me to say, as an adult myself now, how much I agree with this perspective (when my ex and I were going out, I do think I was at a stage in life wherein I was really inclined to coddle my older brother after realizing he’d had it rough as a child. I understand my ex’s perspective, but at the time I’d just felt like my brother was being judged and thought it was more important for my brother to move at his own pace.)

I also recall that my ex boyfriend thought abortion was “wrong” (and I’ve always thought this was an insane, illogical opinion. I think maybe his mom, who is an xSFJ 2w3, thought the same thing, but I remember we almost argued because of this - we didn’t, but we almost did.)

I recall that he was honest with me about the fact that he is bisexual. He also recently posted to one of his stories about how he supports those who are transgender. I remember he suggested he was afraid to come out to his father and brother because he felt that they’d see him as less of a man (as someone who remembers the vibes between he and his father - he’d admitted to having “issues” with his father, who was an older man - I also wouldn’t be surprised if his father were homophobic.)

His other ex is now a Trump supporter. He created a LinkedIn profile five months ago stating that he is a food runner at a fast food joint. There is no college listed (no community college) although I remember seeing him around during my first semester of community college. I recall he once said something towards the end of our time together that made me believe he thought I wouldn’t make much money… though it’s obvious to me that he likely won’t make a whole lot of it himself. Just a terrible dating experience.

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Some tests say I'm 5w4 and some 5w6 because I'm very introspective and also very anxious (on the spectrum). Any tips?

Ok, a little bit about me.

I'm 20 years old and a male.

Things I like and things I hate. Idk. I like sleeping a lot and also eating.

Sleeping too much is a bit of a problem I have. I'm very lazy and don't wanna do shit, I could spent entire days in bed doing just that.

But I enjoy playing sports and indulge in extreme physically stimulating activities, to the point that a few times I went as far as almost risking my life for stimulation. I enjoy manual labor too, it's something that gives me joy and makes me feel very energised, especially if I get to eat some good food when I'm done with it.

I enjoy doing crosswords too. But I'm not very good at it and look at the solutions a lot.

About my thinking. Idk really. I like to analyse things and dissect them, I look for the principles of stuff, see if I can make it make sense and everything... but thinking too much has never really been my forte, and at times when I don't have to solve a problem or something my head is just empty, especially during discussions that get too complex.

I can be very stubborn. When arguing about something I always assume I'm right and get very aggressive and defensive to prove my point.

I'm very introverted. I don't talk much... but when I get comfortable with people or the conversation is about something I know well I get very talkative and expressive. Yet everyone I know tells me that I'm extremely quiet and always have the same facial expression. Maybe my self awareness does suck ig.

Despite feeling things very strongly inside I'm never vocal about it, I tend to ignore the problem straight up. So I'm pretty emotionally detached, with low empathy I don't understand people's feelings in general nor mine.

No one ever said I like change. I go to the same takeaway every night, order the same junk food I always order every night. I know it tastes good and satisfies me so why should I change right? And I also have particular rituals while eating it to enjoy it fully.

I've been told multiple times that I'm a person that can't detach from the past and dislikes changes.

I'm a guy with no direction in life. Someone with no real goals or ambitions who lives by the day and tries to get by. I've never really thought about my future once. I have no confidence in my skills unless it's manual labor. And I consider myself pretty much worthless and would sacrifice for the people I care about.

I like animals and spending time outdoors when the weather is nice.

I like to buy the newspaper on sundays.

Some quirks I have.

I am very territorial. Whenever I settle in a place I delineate my territory. The things and people inside it are under my protection and whoever trespasses it and threatens the quiet is going to get their ass kicked by me. It's also hard to separate me from it when it's time to leave.

I have some old objects that I don't want to separate from for some reason, and whoever touches them is going to get their ass kicked by me.

I don't like to be touched or hugged.

Ok this is it.

Some test results.

Eclectic energies test: type 5

IDR Labs test: type 6

RHETI test: type 9

My mbti istj (or istp idk)

I've been reading stuff about enneagrams out of curiosity but had trouble with typing myself.

I'm similar to type 5 in many ways. I'm bookish, not very sociable, low on energy, and pretty stable emotionally. But I don't relate to the core fear or desire of type 5 at all. I'm not afraid of being useless, and I wouldn't say being competent is a very high priority for me. I don't seek knowledge to better understand the environment, I'm just curious and think it's fun to learn new things. And I don't like to research things in depth. It gets boring quickly, and I move on to something else.

In contrast, I relate to the fear and motivation of type 7 more. I want to avoid negative emotions and experiences at all costs, I'm prone to boredom, I always seek to distract and entertain myself somehow. My habit of turning a blind eye towards the problems makes them get even bigger and crash onto me at the worst time. I'm very undisciplined, easily start, and then drop things as they lose interest to me, and almost never put hard work into anything. But all descriptions of type 7 paint them as outgoing, energetic, and positive while I'm none of that. I'm rather lazy and prefer to daydream and fantasize about exciting stuff rather than actually doing it. I mostly entertain myself on my own or in a close circle of friends. My hobbies are solitary and passive, like reading books or playing video games, and I'm a calm person.

I have similarities to type 9 as well. I tend to bottle up my anger and avoid confrontation, I prefer to compromise with people and sometimes let others walk over me because it's easier than starting a fight, and at times my bottled up anger can overflow and cause outbursts. But I'm rarely acting as peacemaker, I'm not particularly attached to people, and I wouldn't say I strive to find some inner peace even if I dislike conflicts.

Also, I did this IDRlabs test just for fun.

I usually get 8w9 but it'll be fun to see what you guys suggest!

Stuff my friends have said about me:
"OP, everyone wants what's best for you, you just have to open your eyes to that."
"It's clear you've been hurt before. Like more than what you're telling me type of hurt. I hope you receive that love you've been giving out for years."
"Didn't expect you to be that deep." (Context will be added soon.)

General trivia:
Alright, fun stuff. This is going to be tough to do as I generally feel kinda weirded out sharing personal tidbits about myself to strangers on the internet (who wouldn't, right?) but this thought hit my mind and I just HAD to act on it, so here we are.

• I am generally pretty blunt but also have quite the emotional streak, I get very passionate with whatever I'm interested in and the people I'm close with, often to the point of actually bothering them because my energy is just too much sometimes.
• I put up this act of being very brash and impulsive because I would rather the general public not expect much out of me and then save my actual better qualities and nature for the people I'm closest with.
• I have lost many a relationship because I either struggled to empathize with my partner (I wanted to empathize but couldn't find the right words and messed up when I did say something) or was just terrified of them getting close to me and having to drop that act.
• Many of my friends, despite getting easily annoyed by me, know I would do anything for them and would be there if they needed it in a heartbeat because of how loyal I am. They know where they stand with me and how much they mean and they don't take advantage of that. Things are pretty chill.
• I have quite the temper streak in me, mostly when I fail at things or cannot salvage something from a bad situation. Case in point: I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and tried to be empathetic and understanding to them for years because I thought that if they listened to my words, I could make them better. Eventually, after having tried everything, I have been forced to live with the realization that everything I did was for nothing and I still have to see the same pain and the same people I love in pain. I don't enjoy thinking about that.

I usually get 2w1 but I also get other ones.

Common test results: 2w1, 9, 7, 6, 8

Some things about me: -MBTI = ESTP

• people often find me intimidating as my relaxed face looks mean, but really I’m a kind person
• I’m more aggressive when it comes to people mistreating me or I see someone doing something wrong to someone

-I want to be loved -I want to be recognized -I was born for the stage and performing -I get tired of being the enthusiast after a while -I am not ambitious and not a goal setter

• I don’t go along with the crowd

-I stand up for what’s right -I’m blunt -I love to be there for others: help, care, and support -I like to be the leader of social settings -I’m bad at adapting -I’m outgoing and introverted at times -I want people to feel comfortable, loved, and safe -I love to public speak -My dream job is to be a psychologist -I don’t like people constantly telling what to do -sensitive to criticism -Care about what others think or perceive of me -I’m not afraid to punch someone in the face -I don’t like surprises or the unexpected -I am spiritual/religious -I feel if someone does something for me or gives me a gift, I must do it in return -I constantly love to be on the go, multitask, sports, working out -I cannot sit still -I get bored easily -I’m mature and proper -I love fashion and cool outfits -I like challenges -I struggle with forgiveness and hold grudges -I have trust issues and it takes a long time for me to open up to you -I don’t like rejection

What is my enneagram and wing?? Thanks

A few months ago, I got typed as an ISFP Sx4w3. Naturally, being averse to being typed as both a sensor AND a feeler, I tried to argue with the typists about the result. Looking back at myself then, I realized how desperate and preposterous I looked.

Once my disappointment of being typed as an ISFP died down, I started seeing some more rational and logical reasons I might not be an ISFP. For one thing, I believe the typists failed to get a well rounded assessment of my personality. They must have thought I was this lonely, sensitive, and neurotic individual, when I am far from that.

Anyway, I later got typed as an ESFP which isn't ideal as it's still a sensing+feeling type, but I suppose it's better than being an ISFP. (Note that I don't know if I'm an ESFP either) Se-Te is more powerful than Fi-Ni. ESFPs are also more outgoing and have a better advantage in modern life. After this, I started looking into Enneagram. Keep in mind that I don't know much about Enneagram. People sometimes vibe typed me as an 8 and Se and 8 also fit. At the same time though 4s can sometimes seem like 8s. How do I know which one I am?

I wouldn't say my demeanor is intimidating like 8s stereotypically are. I definitely act very childish and hyperactive around others, disregarding how my annoying behavior affects others. However, I suspect this is caused by neurodivergence. When I want something done or when I care about something, I definitely become more authoritive and '8-like.' People are probably taken aback at how authoritative I act during these times, due to it contrasting my usual demeanor and behavior.

I also hate to lose- to the point that I sometimes avoid playing group games (unless I'm confident I can win) that are meant to be fun and lighthearted. If I have no choice but to play, I'll play it extremely safe, even if it means losing on my own terms. As long as I don't get defeated. I would rather lose by forfeiting than by being defeated by someone. If I lose, unless it was against someone obviously better than me (such as a professional) or if it was someone that I knew, I will usually get very sour and sometimes lash out. I express my anger outwardly, shouting, cursing, hitting myself, etc.

In spite of the fact that they are a person of color (no one would look at them and place them in the “white” category,) they follow Donald Trump and posted stories making fun of Kamala Harris. They look more black than they do white, though - they are visibly mixed, and the only feature of theirs that gives away that they are mixed would be their eyes.

I did speak to them in ninth grade. I remember they laughed at first w their friends when I came up me started talking to them (asked them smthn) but his ex looked sort of confused like they thought I was younger, I got the vibe they weren't trying to be mean. I eventually had anxiety group w them and remember that they were nice to me and like came off empathetic (toward me?) But they hung around this toxic group of girls who didn't take it seriously. In pe they didn't rlly approach me when they still had the class but like threw the ball to me once, though they were mean to other peers for no good reason (once became kind of confrontational, I remember, with a peer who was a decent person.)

they once like looked surprised when I came up to them and asked if I was ugly even tho I had a gap between my teeth in freshman yr, am black, and have been called ugly before. They said no. I think they knew I thought they were lying and repeated it, they said “seriously. No” I mentioned someone said that and they said “whoever said that can just die” and looked serious. I think they knew it like threw me off but they j kinda idk awkwardly smiled idk? My former partner said when I mentioned it that they “made jokes like that a lot” (dying thing.) I think they were serious, however. They looked serious.

I do know my former partner’s relationship w them ultimately traumatized him (well I’d describe it as trauma idk.) He mentioned to me once that up until he started to get to know me more the whole situation w his ex had him waking up in cold sweats. It just sounded so so very unhealthy. We had started talking because this person moved states without telling him over the pandemic, and this led to suicide ideation for him.

This individual, in spite of the fact that they were an adult by that point (eighteen, held back a year) threatened to “fight me on sight” and to have their sibling fight my former partner on sight after learning that we were dating. Multiple times, actually. They even took the issue to the head of our school, who badly mishandled it.

I recall that they had had an abusive childhood (an extremely abusive childhood, placed in foster care by the time of middle school.) I remember that, although I used to feel bad for thinking this, I sensed in 9th grade that something was “off” when engaging with them. I judged their appearance which I admit wasn’t fair of me, but it was more than that. Even though they were kind to me in 9th grade for the most part, I just knew something about them wasn’t right, and I wouldn’t call myself an intuitive person/say that I’m normally good at sensing that sort of thing. They just kind of seemed to me like the sort of person I should stay away from. I didn’t avoid them, necessarily (not in ninth grade. At least) because I knew it wouldn’t be polite.

One of their toxic friends in ninth grade described them as the “sensitive” one of their group when we all had anxiety group together. I know they have BPD, which may impact their typology.

My former partner suggested that after they broke up, they had a friend look through their phone to find out whether or not they had any pictures of them together in it. He suggested that they had “paranoia” like their mother. I recall he had also suggested that they “hated” the middle school they attended (placed emphasis on the word “hated”) and never wanted to visit because they had been bullied there.

I admit, though I acknowledge once again that it was wrong of me to make this judgement, that I was surprised when I learned that my former partner had had a crush on this individual for multiple years. A peer who I mentioned her to was surprised as well - they mentioned that when they had a class with her in high school, she tended to talk over the teacher (they said this as though it was intentional) and described her as being toxic. They said that it was shocking that someone had liked her for years, and seemed to really mean it.

My former partner described them as “living in the past, present and future at the same time.” Her former partner had also described her as having been “very manipulative,” which I could believe. Though as someone who actually dated him, I must say that he isn’t a good person himself.

She sent me these texts a few days after my 18th birthday, and attempted to directly video call me twice beforehand as well: “Dont think that I haven't forgotten about your predator ass!” and “You better pray and hope I don't catch yo ass out somewhere” and “Cause I promise you that ass in feigning for”

I remember that when we were on good terms she was taking community college courses per the recommendation of her adoptive parents, though I have a feeling that she hasn’t obtained a degree from one of the local community colleges in spite of this fact. Her adoptive mother suggested in an old social media post that it took “a loonngg time” for her to become comfortable with/around them.

She apparently identified as nonbinary at some point during quarantine, and told her ex to not tell anyone because she didn’t want him to “come out” for her. I don’t think most people would have cared, though. She really wasn’t anywhere near being a “popular” student. He said that she was going by a different name/wanted to change her name. I don’t think she identifies as nonbinary now, though.

View Poll

Openness: 71

Conscientiousness: 60

Extraversion: 61

Agreeableness: 66

Neuroticism: 36

Feel free to ask questions, too

whats the difference between pride and vanity? how would so5 and sp1 affect how 2/3 acts?

I decided to write essentially an overview of my traits from my perspective, but in a sort of biography style. I started off in third person to try and see myself as like a character that someone wrote up a description about, then I turned it to first person, and I feel like I achieved my goal of a somewhat objective representation of my traits. Anyways, I'm hoping this gives enough about myself to identify a type despite not following the questionnaire. I tried not to make it cringey but my apologies if you do, sometimes I can't help myself lol.

I am a sensitive, private, and patient person who tends to think a lot before making decisions. My choices are usually focused on the short term but are always made with keeping as many future possibilities open as possible, careful not to close any off before I’m ready. I care deeply about the people I enjoy spending time with, though I can be a bit aloof around new people. I form opinions about others quickly but revise them when they give me reasons to do so. I’m generally optimistic about people, and keep my judgments to myself since I don’t think it’s appropriate to freely share them if they’re unrefined and made so quickly.

I’m very patient with people and situations, and I strive to treat everyone fairly, sometimes to a fault. Despite my calm exterior, I often feel anxious and unprepared, which sometimes manifests as a short temper and a critical nature, and shows when I feel threatened. Because of this, I need space from people and prefer to let them take initiative in getting to know me. I feel uncomfortable when others try to protect me, as it feels transactional, like another obligation I have to fulfill. Although I’m not always sure how, I feel a strong need to protect others from negative feelings, which mirrors how I tried to shield my brother from such things when we were growing up.

As a teenager, I often withdrew to comfort myself, hiding parts of who I was and keeping certain traits or quirks to myself. I felt like too much self-expression was dangerous, and I felt that letting people know everything about me felt like a betrayal of my fragile and sensitive nature. During this time, I became more interested in introspection, finding ways to define myself as unique so I could get space from others. I saw these unique traits as tools for developing independence and self-sufficiency, which eventually became something important to me. I eventually developed a sense of forgetfulness and still space out frequently when required to engage too much in the outer world, as it puts a strain on the reservedness I still rely on to protect these traits, and it is currently one of my more prominent traits.

I have a close relationship with my brother and often compare our traits, taking a lot of interest in the differences between us. My attachment to him can be a bit disorganized; I can be clingy one day and distant the next, depending on my mood. I see my brother as a source of balance, when I feel too scared to take action, he takes action without thinking to just get it done and over with quickly. While I criticize him for being reckless and impulsive, I secretly appreciate when he takes action for us, and relieves me of stress I don’t want to confront.

I struggle to recognize my emotions, relying instead on observing my reactions and thought patterns to understand what I’m feeling. This makes it hard for me to define happiness, so I often default to prioritizing stability instead. My mindset is generally focused on survival, believing that weathering the storm and escaping my immediate situation will eventually lead me to the right circumstances. I don’t have a clear vision for the future but think of it in terms of meeting a few conditions. I constantly revise what those conditions are, since I don’t have a clear standard to follow. This gives me an external appearance of stoicism, but my actions often betray that when I appear visibly anxious or exhibit people-pleasing traits. Compartmentalizing stress allows me to maintain a sense of peace, but it comes at the cost of long-term happiness. I tend to choose partial comfort over confronting challenges that would lead to black and white decisions. I see the world in shades of gray, and confrontation feels like it disrupts my ultimate goal of peace of mind through stability. When I was a child, I was more expressive, as I didn’t yet feel the need to prioritize that stability, so I felt more willing to just say what I thought or felt without thinking first or refining my expression to something more useful.

I value deep understanding in relationships and idealize connections where I can let my guard down and speak freely without overthinking. My ideal life would be one of complete stability, where I understand my emotional responses and use them to take effective action, where I’m an expert in my field and my skills are both needed and I’m paid enough in my job to live comfortably, and where I’m surrounded by people for support when I need them. I view my relationships as ways of filling in parts of my life that I can’t provide for myself, and I believe I can always learn something from others with different experiences. At the same time, I crave space and love the idea of being the king of my own castle, free from the emotional demands of others. Otherwise, I feel suffocated, as I often did as a teenager.

I enjoy variety and can improvise when necessary, but I prefer having structure and clear standards. I fear stagnation, believing that a lack of productivity leads to laziness and uselessness. External standards help me measure whether I’ve done “enough,” although I’ll take shortcuts to meet those standards. I’m perceptive about how situations could unfold, but I often think of negative outcomes, which makes it hard for me to trust the process or stay consistent unless someone guides me. In the short term, I can make quick decisions and adapt strategically, but I frequently need to pause and re-evaluate my next steps. If this isn’t possible, however, I end up doing nothing and can do so for long periods of time, falling into the aforementioned lazy/useless trap.

I like doing things I’m already skilled at and find it frustrating to have to learn things from the start and stay consistent. This is the opposite feeling I had in my childhood, when I was a quick learner and enjoyed learning things quickly. I still struggle with feeling inadequate compared to my younger self for this reason, and get impatient and want to give up quickly if I don’t get results quickly. 

I enjoy hobbies that allow me to create or produce something tangible, where I can see a return on my investment for my time and effort. These include reading, building things (like origami, drawing, and more loosely related to this, playing the piano), and playing fantasy board or card games. However, these hobbies are always secondary to my schoolwork, which I see as the way to achieving the stability I crave. I believe that once I achieve self-sufficiency, I’ll be able to indulge in these interests more freely and explore, but for now I don’t put much time into them since I feel compelled to spend little time on anything other than school.

So, my biggest weakness among many others is that I cannot for the life of me deal with negative feelings, especially if they derive from failure. I take in an extremely self destructing way, sometimes verbally aggressive towards others that I consciously know did nothing wrong. However, if I don't let out negative feelings that way they inevitably make me suffer so much it's too much to take. I know this makes me seem like a terrible person, and maybe I am, but I cannot keep lying to myself. I can't cope without having a mental breakdown or without throwing myself into destructive behaviour. I can't fail. Never. I just can not come to terms with whatever I percieve as negative that has happened to me. I just want to give it all up.

INTJ 6w5 sx/so 648 VLEF chol–mel LII, Is this combination generally valid?

and the combination INTJ 4w5 sx/so 468 VLEF(or EFVL) chol–mel LII is it possible?

I will say that I do not speak English and am writing through a translator. average growth I was typed a year ago, but didn't go into much depth, according to the 16 personality type. Now I have delved into studying other aspects and I have succeeded xNTJ IF(S) 6W5 SX468SO ESI EFVL chol-mel. Is this combination valid? If not, then why?

I thought I was a so7 cuz 7 + social, but apparently so7 has a martyr/messiah complex and suppresses their own gluttony.

Neither of that really describes me. I never deny myself, don't naturally consider anyone but myself/loved ones/people I have momentary use for (though I've been working on consciously being more altruistic and exercising empathy, being a better person etc, though it's hard to stick to cuz it's not my default).

So ruling out social 7, that leaves sx7 and sp7.

I definitely have a big imagination like sx7 is said to, but only when I deliberately tap into it, like during creative projects. Day to day, I'm very grounded/realistic and focused on real world stuff. I've been tapping into spirituality more lately, but again it's something that takes discipline to do, rather than my attention being always on real life goals.

My partner thinks I'm sp7, to the point where he's compared me to multiple sp7 characters and worries about my decision to move to NYC to pursue my career goals, because he thinks that due to my tendency to push past my limitations and do everything excessively, that I'm gonna end up being like the Wolf of Wall Street and genuinely made me promise I wouldn't pick up a cocaine habit lmfao.

But sp7 doesn't fit either, for two major reasons. One, a visceral refusal to rely on anyone for anything even when it would've been smarter to do so. I have this thing about insisting on handling my own shit all myself and wanting to be entirely self made, like a pride thing. This goes against sp7 relying on their network for things. I got over it as I learned how much the world really does run on connections, but my natural default is to want to do everything on my own.

Also, I'm bad at sp stuff. I hate boring things like bank errands, taxes, paperwork, house cleaning, etc.

hii guys. i feel like im quite reactive but due to social anxiety not very assertive at all. i feel stuck!!!! same goes with mel-chol and mel-phleg

What’s your biggest fear?

Being unwanted and unloveable, everyone hating me. Being ugly and undesirable.

What’s your biggest desire?

To be loved and admired. Mostly by the people close to me. (My boyfriend)

What are you ‘’the best’’ at?

I’m the best at whatever I put my mind to. But in all seriousness, I’m the best at self-improvement. Whatever I don’t like about myself and especially what others don’t like, especially my bf and friends, I’ll change it. Wether it’s my physical body or my mindset. I rarely do things for myself alone.

How do you see yourself right now?

A student trying to succeed so I can move on from my current situation. Improving myself for my bf and trying to be a better person for him and for my friends. (Mostly him)

How do you see yourself 5 years from now?

I hope I have the life and career I want and living with my bf by then. Maybe going back to school to advance my career.

How do you express yourself?

Listening to music mostly. I sometimes like to draw and talk my feelings out with the people close to me.

How do you feel about those near you (family, friends)?

i feel like i'm a disappointment to my parents and I’m not good enough for them. I think they’re starting to come around in my adult years. I hid being trans from my parents in fear of disappointing them further and I ignored my own dysphoria because of the potential consequences of losing my family and being an outcast. The pain was getting to me after years of ignoring it and repressing it so I had to come out.

The most important person in my life is my bf. I will do anything for him including being the best version of myself. I love being told I’m perfect and that I’m the hottest and I’m the best boyfriend ever. I want to be the epitome of attractiveness and sexiness for him. He said I really don’t have to change anything and he loves me for who I am but I have a hard time believing him since I don’t feel good enough or loveable as I am. I think there’s always room for improvement. I always try to be what he likes. I don’t have many friends but I cherish the close ones. I’m polite and open to everyone. I’m not the most social or talkative but I’m very receptive.

How do you feel about strangers?

I generally give people the benefit of the doubt and I assume most people are good. I do sometimes think I’m better than most.

I’m very sensitive to the opinions of others and how they view me. I tend to be chameleonic and blend with whatever the situation requires in a social environment. I’m very high masking. The only think I can't do is be an extrovert. I can do it for a short time tho

How do you view change/uncertainty?

Makes me uneasy. I understand change is sometimes necessary for improvement and preventing stagnation.

How do you make decisions

Pros and cons, how it affects others, what are the benefits, how important is this decision? What are the future implications of such a decision? How do you solve logical problems? I go by what I think is right. I just use common sense and my own understanding of a thing. Whatever makes sense to me I guess

How do you deal with your emotions?

Mostly ignore them in favour of others’ feelings. I feel low self-esteem and sorrow deep down but I try to ignore it. I’m worried about being bogged down by my intense dark feelings and I don’t have time for that. Then suddenly my emotions come out at the most inconvenient times and that’s when I discuss my feelings with others and the people close to me. Generally I don’t like ruining the mood. I just can’t hide my feelings sometimes.

What drives you in life? What do you look for?

Attention, love, admiration, connection to a single person. Mainly my attention and love need by a single person. Being taken care of by someone.

What do you hope to accomplish in your life?

Finding the love of my life (I think I already have) and to keep it. Not fail like every other relationship and making me feel worthless and unlovable. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you? I avoid being mean, cruel, but even I reach my limits. I’m very patient with others and like I said, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. I try to stay calm and cool. I validate other people's emotions, try to be a good partner, listen, be receptive and attentive to what they need from me. I don’t really have an identity because of it, but I don’t really care. I’ll be what they want me to be. What they need me to be.

How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?

I see myself as a sexy and good boyfriend but I doubt it sometimes. I want to be the perfect lover. I want others to see me as kind, generous, attractive, giving, incredible, sweet, and caring. Im not sure how I see myself.

I see myself how others see me.

Describe how you experience each of: a) Anger; b) Shame; c) Anxiety

anger: my anger is quite repressed. I try to remain patient, calm and easygoing. I want to be seen as patient and caring. I get angry when I see others behaving in certain inappropriate ways, but I rarely say anything. I snap on rare occasion but I generally keep a lid on my anger. It’s when people take advantage of my kindness and patience is when I snap.

Shame: deep down, I think I’m quite shameful. I don’t like who I am and I don’t think I’m good enough as I am so I adapt my persona to others' liking. I automatically blend in with other people and I never asked myself why. Maybe it’s to be more likeable and to accommodate others. I adapt to social norms of a particular group as to not be rude.

Anxiety: overthink 100%. I need reassurance from others, if the anxiety gets too much I distract myself and shut my brain off. I don’t like being overwhelmed by emotion

i’m pretty sure my tritype is 74x but i can’t find my gut fix, i somehow see myself in all of them

for 9:

• i like having a sort of structure and basic routine in my life
• i like chill activities some times like drawing while listening to relaxing music
• i want everyone in the team to be happy with each other
• i do sacrifice my needs for the sake of the group most of the time (and i secretly judge people that don’t)

for 1:

• i can be a perfectionist when it comes to work
• i need some things to be perfect even if they it doesn’t matter
• i have a lot of unrealistic goals

for 8:

• i’m always suspicious of people
• if i sense that they feel superior to me in some way i get pretty defensive
• i have zero tolerance for people like that and i will make it really obvious that i don’t like them
• i have no problem telling someone they are being problematic
• i think arguments can help relationships to get stronger a lot of the times and they are needed (i hate when people are not being true when arguments arive because this just ends up to more secrets around the group)