Okay I don't know how to blur? But I won't give specific numbers. My daily budget it low 3 digits I generally eat under always. Sometimes Indo tend to go over. If when I try a new food even though everything is counted and calculated to the gram. I feel as though my anorexia is gone and there nothing wrong with me. I feel like I am failing my weights the lowest its been

I'm so sick im so sikv.k took way to many laxatives and just 2 diuretics. This is my life. I'm waiting for treatment but my weight my body eveyrthng it's shuttingndiwnm I finally hopefully for good my am done with the abuse I've endured by tje hands of that man that man upon mnhnthat hurtnme 7 years of with him being abuse physically, emotionally, psychologial tormemt.

I I'm tired of fighting for everyone but myself but I don't know what my worth is so I'll never know if I'll be able to do it. Wish me luck I struggling wthoing sontkredmtskdnvsf d

I feel like anytime I do something wrong I'm way too hard on myself and spiral out or give up any progress I've made, but worse than that, anytime I do something I should be proud of I'm just made so painfully aware of how there isn't a single soul in the world who gives a damn about me at all, let alone if I'm eating or not. I can't just be proud of myself by myself without just.. it's hard to explain to people who have people.

TRIGGER WARNING - Guilt/ ED thoughts etc., numbers (not referring to cals or weight etc.). Mentions of weight (no numbers)

I allowed myself lunch today it was only >! 3 smallish/medium-ish items !< so not enough but I'm trying to build myself up slowly. But I feel really guilty about it like I ate too much and consumed too many cals (I dont track but loosely check). I feel like I was just being a pig because I could + shouldve just had >! 2 items !<.

But on the plus side, I confided about the guilt to my relative and he reassured me it wasn't too much and I said to him "I'm sick/tired of living like this"

I think I might want to actually give recovery another shot but I don't want to let go of my sick body/ Weight. But I cant keep going like this otherwise I'll put myself in hospital or worst case scenario an early grave.

I rarely consume porn, but for the past year or so, I cannot watch it anymore. I immediately notice how small and dainty the actresses nowadays are, and I start feeling jealous and insecure. I wish that's how I looked naked.

Even non adult content causes that effect on me, perhaps a random girl on tiktok or in a cute outfit. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like girls nowadays are thinner and daintier.

I go through phases where I just don’t even entertain the thought of having keto sweets or sugar free baked goods. These periods are my intense restriction phases usually triggered by feeling like I’ve gained weight so it gives me that momentum I guess. But over the last several months I have probably lost weight and now my anorexia and malnourishment is reaching new levels. So now I am in a restriction phase where I am “allowed” to entertain the thoughts and ideas of baking my keto sugar free recipes that I’ve saved over the last year. My anorexic logic says that I’ve “earned permission” to bake and experiment and indulge in orthorexic baked goods because I’ve lost weight. But now my OCD is just spiraling because I am obsessing and ruminating about what I want to bake, what I can bake, what I shouldn’t bake, macros. Last night I caved and I tried baking, ruined some cupcakes that looked like the devil made them. Then I managed to make some very weird low calorie protein cupcakes that I ate and purged and then ate. This is so fucking chaotic and I can’t win. If I am restricting myself from all these things maybe my mind is more clear! When I allow myself to indulge and experience joy from keto baked goods, it will backfire and I will feel like I’ve eaten too much and I’ll purge so there’s no fucking winning. The obsessing is exhausting on a mental and physical level. Please someone tell me I’m not the only one here

this is not new territory, i know, but it's so ironic that i knew perfectly well as a disordered teen that what i was doing was a cry for help. i just wanted someone to give a fuck, but even at my most UW nobody around me cared (lol it is what it is). but like a drug, it was my gateway, and now on the tail end of my 20's this disorder isn't a cry for help at all anymore, it's my self harm of choice.

being honest, i like how muted and unfocused everything becomes when i'm hungry in the same way i like how unselfconscious i become when i'm drunk. i don't have many friends or family but i know i'm starting to get scary to look at and that it's selfish but i just don't care anymore. i don't have any goals outside of passively killing myself. i always want to be out of my head and my DOC is only a skipped meal away. "is this food worth feeling my feelings again" has a pretty predictable answer. donating to charity is the only thing that makes me feel a little better even though my job is shit and i can't give as much as i want to. my ed has spiraled so much since i stopped hoping for something to hope for.

I think my cat is dying. He had surgery on Friday for an infected abscess and I am literally syringing food and water into his mouth. We go back to vet tomorrow; I need to make it through till then.

Disclaimer: I know in an ideal world I should see a doctor and not be an anorexic, however, in the immediate future those aren’t options.

For about a week out of every month one of my toes (never the same one) decides to just go MIA and I lose all sensation in it. Rarely it will turn white which makes me think it’s a circulation issue.

I don’t have insurance so I can’t go to a doctor or go to inpatient, so does anyone else with anorexia experience the same thing? Although I can’t go to a doctor, anecdotally, how concerned should I be? Any harm reduction tips because I am not currently capable of seeking medical attention or recovering (been through it multiple times ik it’s the one actual answer just not in the cards for me rn).

I've struggled on with restriction off and on for more than 26 years. I just turned 40. I had some large fluctuations in weight when i was in my team's that led to my skin losing elasticity as I got older. Most of it has been in the usual areas - thighs, abdomen - which I've come to terms with over the years.

During the past 6 months, I lost some weight and am experiencing creping skin on my arms which I've never had before. They look like the arms of a 70+ year old and I am embarrassed now to wear short sleeves, whereas before I used to show off my arms because I liked them.

My question is, will the creping go away if I gain weight? Im underweight now but working on remedying the situations.

Has anyone else found them to go hand in hand for themselves? Like I literally only did started meth because it made me not eat and made me thinner. And I only continued to do blow for the same reason. Even though they make me feel and act crazy. Like I basically lock myself in my apartment and cry and writhe. I relapsed (thank god for only half a month) and I want to be sober again starting today. But I'm terrified of throwing away the bag of this mystery powder (because between you, me, god and these four walls - It's more research chemicals than coke) because I am scared I'll eat. It's like I'm in a stand off. I think of flushing it down the toilet, then I think about if I get hungry what I'll do, then I just stare at it from across the room and leave it. I don't want to touch either.

I can live without drugs. But I can't avoid food forever without drugs.

TRIGGER WARNING - Mentions of ED thoughts etc.

Today I brought a bunch of different types of chocolates to challenge (+ reintroduce them and figure out which ones don't upset my stomach) I also brought some caramel shortbread slices and belgian milk chocolate cookies (couldn't decide which one to chose so panicked and got both).

Now I feel really guilty about buying these foods because they're 'unhealthy' and I feel like I'll be eating too unhealthy if I eat them and that I'll gain too much weight and ruin everything etc. Plus my birthday is coming up next month so there might potentially be cake and I feel like I shouldn't even be eating these foods especially since my birthday is coming up.

I'm not really sure how to start off this post, but I was abusing laxatives for a couple of months. I would take 2 to 3 a week and I stopped back in April. This is so gross but I've noticed now that I have less control over my bowl movements. I'll have some weeks where I'm constipated and it hurts and other weeks where I'm running to the bathroom or I don't make it in time. This is so embarrassing because I'm only 22. It shouldn't be like this and I don't wanna go to a doctor. I'm so scared. Nobody knows about my disorder expect for one person and my therapist, but and I barley scratched the surface of my issues. I feel so fucking alone. This disorder has taken so much from me and it still continues to even after I try and recover. Anyway, does anyone have any experience with this after laxative use and have any idea what's happening?

struggling since a teen but i felt people were more caring back then. they listened to you.

as an adult i feel like most adults with eds are not taken seriously as majority of those who are not suffering see it as something which effects teens and young girls.

im 27, a full grown adult like they say, pushing 30s and as a child i thought id recover by now and had so many milestones for me in my head. but rn none of that seem like a reality ill ever reach.

it's so lonely here. no one to talk to about it. no one who'll understand. no support systems because eds are just not recognised here in my country. bulimia is rarely, if ever, talked about.

i feel like ive fallen so back in life compared to my peers. cancelling on plans, cancelling on potential dates and date nights, cancelling on dinner with extended family, cancelling on birthday parties all because of this disorder.

i constantly think of food, calories, working out, explicit bulimic thoughts (not going into details) and i feel like ive ruined my life :(

Hey all I'm Sara from new Zealand and Ive been suffering from anorexia for around 2yrs this time by restricting.

For the past year, I've felt very disconnected from everything, like the world is going on around me yet I can't feel anything.

I feel numb, no feelings whatsoever, no cares, no excitement, just like watching from out of my body.

Is this normal?

I'm not in recovery, I'm at a healthy weight but I've relapsed recently after a binge episode. I'm in a new relationship and my boyfriend know I used to have an ed but not that I've never really recovered. I'm staying with him and I'm not eating a lot and eating my own food which he is noticing. Tomorrow we're having a full day together and I already know that he'll be telling me to eat and I'll have to find an excuse. I'm tempted to be honest but I know it'll put strain on him and he'll go into a helper mode and try to help me. I'm not ready to receive help. Anyways.. just needed to share with someone

I'm so sick of being advertised to for this avenue went into Google ads and tried to get them to stop, but they won't. I'm currently in residential treatment and it absolutely has been unhinging me.

I have AN, and don’t heavily restrict but compensate by walking a lot. I’m exhausted. I would love to have even just one day where I don’t walk but still eat around >!1200!< calories but I’m so scared that either I’ll gain weight or that then I’ll be tempted to again tomorrow or both. I’m so conflicted

Hello everyone!

This subreddit was shut down a while ago because it was left unmoderated, so I requested ownership to help bring the sub back alive. You might know me and most of the other new mods from r/EDAnonymous and r/EDanonymemes

We're planning on keeping this subreddit moderated and bringing life back to it, but also adjust the rules to make them a little bit more clear. While we intend to align the rules a little bit closer to the main sub, we also feel like the rules here don't have to be as strict because we're all adults and we should be able to manage our triggers and behaviors a little better ourselves instead.

Is there anything you would like to see on this sub? Weekly posts, certain rules changes, memes or no memes, userflairs, postflairs, a Discord server? Let us know!

Feel free to reach out to us via modmail for any issues related to the sub, users or posts.

TRIGGER WARNING - Mentions of challenges, rules (no detail) etc. Weight loss (no numbers)

Today I challenged myself to a snack and challenged timing rules (it's closer to my tea meal) etc.

I feel proud of myself but anxious at the same time because its like my body's gone 'oo hold on we've got food now!' And I want to get more food.

But I only challenged the snack because I've reached a >! Weightloss plateau!< and I >! want to lose more !<

I hate that food is included in every social situation. I can’t have certain foods due to health reasons and then my ED makes me quite picky as well… but every single social situation involves food.

hangouts, dates, weddings, and even funerals.

I fucking hate it. It feels like my choices are try to be social and eat things I know are harming me from a medical standpoint or be a weirdo around food. Neither are great. I’m at the point where I am probably going to have to give up dating and trying to be social simply because of how food is involved in everything.

I don’t have friends, I’m trying to make them so explaining my weird food shit right off the bat isn’t ideal. I suggest things that don’t involve food, but food is somehow added in to the equation.

I hate it. I give up. Isolation is better than self sabotaging in hopes of some sort of social connection.

I've been "recovered" for over a year and a half. I have to accept it, I didn't actually recover, I just became obsessed with working out and counting macros. I still bodycheck at every given opportunity, instead of checking if I'm thin enough, I do it to see how much muscle I gained; If I look like I work out, if I look lean, if I look muscular, if I look strong, or if I look fat, if my gut is sticking out, or if my arms still look like twigs.

Then there's days when just any little thing drives me over the edge. It's so stupid, I just saw a really tall and skinny dude walking by, minding his own damn business, and now I'm here almost panicking because I need to go back to being that thin. I'm once again looking through my old bodychecks, I know I shouldn't have them. I swear I had deleted them, but I came across them completely by chance and now they're back in my phone storage.

Vent/advice/support welcome<3

I work in assistance job, thankfully only part time, while I do my studies. The person I work for is in their 50s and obviosly has no filter when it comes to topics like diets, obesity, all the things that lead to it etc. I work with them a couple times a week and everytime they start talking about how people nowadays get overweight and lists all the reasons they think is causing it. Also talks about their weight, the desire to stay skinny, how to eat healthy.

What sends me the most, is that it's usually the lunch time when that kind of talk happens. I don't know if other people working with the person are feeling uncomfortable about it or if it's just my ed that makes me feel icky. Pretty much everytime there's talk about portion sizes being this, sugar being that, the freaking obesity epidemic etc. I'm currently relapsing and it just makes me feel like shit.

I don't care how they choose eat, I try to be polite about it and just listen/tune out when they talk about that kind of topic. I definitely feel like it is not directed to me or anything (I wondered a little since I'm a bit heavier right now), but it just seems to be something they like to talk about. I do sense there's a bit of disordered eating there, but that's their business and I don't want to get nosey or anything. I also do not want to let them know how much I know about food related stuff (due to ed).

Due to the nature of the job I am interacting with them a lot and eating lunch together a lot. Otherwise it's a good situation to me since the job isn't too taxing etc. I just don't know how to handle that diet talk and I'm not socially super talented so I could sneak a topic change in everytime without it being awkward.

Thanks for reading! Any comment, support and advice is really appreciated<3

Heads up this might be incoherent, but I tried. I made the trifecta of awful ED decisions today, and ruined my date my with BF. Context is that we had planned to celebrate his birthday by going out to dinner and going bowling. I was super excited for this, and had brought it up multiple times to confirm that we were still good.

Poor decision number 1, because we were going out I restricted all day at work which always causes me to get dizzy, frustrated and nervous. I had the idea that we would be going straight to the restaurant before bowling so I knew I would be able to keep it together long enough to eat. Needless to say, when I got to his place after I got off work he tells me that "He just ate, because he woke up late". Then I panic because this was not the plan in my ED brain! I had been googling menus all day and dreaming of eating like a normal person. He's very sweet about it though and offers to make me something or stop somewhere before we go out so I can eat something. I refuse all of these choices because I am dumb sometimes!

Poor decision number 2, instead of changing plans to do something less physical or grabbing something that I can eat that feels safe, I say "Oh, it's no biggie!" and take him bowling. I then got so dizzy I have to buy candy out of the vending machine to keep from passing out while trying to lug around 8lbs bowling balls.

But wait! There's more, poor decision number 3 occurs promptly after we finish bowling and go back to my place. I still have not eaten because i'm expecting things to start heating up and I start panicking about having food in my stomach. So I decide to smoke with him instead, and we end up watching Paprika (2006). At this point in the night I am exhausted, frustrated, dizzy, high, and scared shitless watching this movie. I begin to panic and cry as the animation is melting on the screen in front of me. I end up having a panic attack from being so overwhelmed, and no we did not end up hooking up. I took him straight home and microwaved noodles immediately after.

Just a big long rant. Having an ED and trying to be normal even when you think you have everything accounted for sucks so bad sometimes.

I have struggled with my weight my whole life, I always was at least a bit overweight but now I'm like 115 kgs (~254 pounds). I mostly struggle with stress eating and I love sweets, but because of my mentall illness(es), I had periods of low-key starving myself for days (the most I could do was not eating at home for 6 days, so I don't think I was in physical danger ever, really, it's more about intentionally hurting myself)

So I have a job now, finished uni half a year ago, and one of my coworkers is a 50-60 yo woman who has issues. She complaines daily about how much she eats (I dont think she eats too much but I dont really know whats normal), how fat she is (while shes half my size and weight), etc. I dont want to invalidate her, she has her reasons for having issues, but its damn hard to try to stay positive about myself and my body while she so blatantly doesnt even seem to try to accept herself. I am in a not quite good place rn (mentally), and I want to starve myself and make myself vomit out my meals. I'm afraid I'm gonna develop an ED soon and dont know how/dont have the energy to stop it.

I will probably tell her to stop soon, because I just cant. I hate myself for wanting to eat, I hate myself for eating.

Ive been in communication with an ED treatment center mostly looking for something out patient. I just got an email saying they recommend I do residential. Every other place Ive talked have said I either need that or PHP I dont really want to do either so Im not sure why I bothered contacting them. It seems like my only options are deal with this by myself since theres no ED specialists that take my insurance, or go to res and lose a chunk of my life.

....She called me a flax seed girl then went on to say I need to broaden my diet because "it's not very original". This was after I committed to writing a food log spanning eight weeks and handed it to her at our follow up. There are truly nicer ways to talk to a patient with disordered eating. Her hate feels potent and like she couldn't wait to pounce on me when she saw my diet is indeed dysfunctional. I have osfed caused by a number of factors. I do want to eat healthier. I do also struggle with feelings of disgust and shame. Not eating I think subconsciously makes me feel less guilty or ashamed about my life/myself. But there are other issues as well that genuinely make eating healthy difficult--I have problems fatigue, brain fog, and with executive functioning where I forget about what food I have in my fridge or forget vital ingredients to make something healthy, and it goes bad and it doesn't matter what tricks I use to avoid this problem, it always falls through. I have emetophobia which has resulted in a debilitating fear of handling raw meat or even store bought meat. The only meat I trust is meat that has already been cooked into a meal from my parents or someone else I trust. As a result I eat more vegetarian meals to compensate but I am not good at keeping myself nourished. I'm more like a carbitarian honestly, lots of bread to make up for everything. It's not good but it's the best I can do rn.

I also just....don't like cooking that much. It's a lot of work, patience and money that I don't have. I would like to one day be able to meal prep but I don't think I'd ever be able to do anything beyond pasta maybe or soup. I like food, I like healthy food and veggies and all of it but it's so much work and money. I can cook, I'm not bad if I try to cook. It's just frustrating and tedious work that saps my energy.

Frustratingly, I have symptoms of ADHD but the doctor keeps ignoring this fact and instead is blaming and berating me for how I eat. I try not to restrict. But it does come up. I binge, restrict, and purge through exercising. I don't even notice myself doing it. It was really hard to show her my food log, it was very vulnerable. Then for her to call me names and put me down just was like insult to injury. I don't understand. I feel like she doesn't even see me as an individual person, she just sees this disordered eating issue I have and hates me for it. Well, I don't like her much either. But there's no other doctor to go to. I just feel so hurt and depressed by this. I don't do this stuff on purpose. But I couldn't explain that to her. We can only talk for thirty minutes and see each other once a month. I don't think there's a point in explaining to her. She's already made up her mind about me. Nothing I say would change that.

TRIGGER WARNING - mentions of restriction, weight loss, calorie counting etc etc. (No numbers or specifics mentioned)

I've noticed that the past few days I've been tracking cals again but only in my calculator (not actually logging them) and I've been restricting more and I've >!lost more weight, I'm almost close to my GW !< but the ED wants me to lose more and I feel so stuck and trapped in this disorder.

I have been struggling to lose weight I put on due to depression, and I am becoming more and more unwilling to eat at all. Today, I almost fainted/threw up and had to buy a brownie (there were no healthy options near me), but I want to be able to lose weight without the feeling of sickness hovering over me. How can I achieve this? I usually don’t feel hungry, and it’ll just go straight towards nausea, but recently I’ve been inclined to throw up all of the bad food I eat and start again. I’m not in private enough to throw up unfortunately, so that can’t happen. I don’t want people to think I’m pregnant or something, but I can’t stand the food once it’s in my body.