Yesterday and today I hardly ate (a bag of chips yesterday, and a reces peanut butter cup today) it’s not because I was trying not to eat, I just really wasn’t hungry. Well I was smoking some weed (it’s legal where I live) and was baked and whatnot. Well like 3 and a half hours later I almost passed out. I don’t know if it was from the weed or the not eating. My vision went black and I almost felt drunk for a minute or two. I went to the bathroom and just chilled there for a minute. I was dizzy as hell. The weed was from my neighbor who’s like an aunt to me (she wouldn’t have laced me). Well immediately after I made myself something to eat. I’m going to try the rest of the weed I think and see if I feel the same, that way I’ll know if it was the lack of food or the weed.

I’m crying as I’m typing this. I’m 21 years old and I’ve struggled with eating almost my whole life and no one I know believes me. My parents who I live with don’t care and no one else takes it seriously. I finally found people who understand and believe me but the website was taken down. I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford therapy and I can’t talk to anyone about this. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt this alone. I lost everyone. Everyone who believed me, everyone who understood me, everyone who made me feel like I wasn’t alone. Gone. That was the only place I could be honest and vent and be real and have people listen. I feel like I’m going crazy. It’s been a day since I lost everyone and I can’t stop binging. I’ve overeaten so much I’m in pain rn and I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone and I just want somewhere to go where other people like me are. I need a new website or something. I don’t have any friends irl who understand either. I’m completely alone.

I am thinking to see a psychologist finally for the first time in my life at age 40, and was wondering if anyone has any tips on how to find one. I tried looking online for ones covered by my insurance and there are literally thousands. I don't know where to even start. I would like the psychologist to have a PhD, take virtual patients and have ED treatment as one specialty. I am not ready yet to bring up my ED with the psychologist yet - I thought I would start with other issues like anxiety and self esteem. I do hope to eventually feel comfortable enough to bring up the ED.

Is it best to find an office with multiple psychologists so that if I don't click with one there are other options to easily switch to? Any advice would be much appreciated.

I was really distraught when I saw my positive test October 2023. I even posted the photo on edtwt. At the time I was only 21 and very actively b/p-ing but I thought I could choose recovery for the life of my daughter. I gained way more weight than recommended because I only stopped purging. I felt guilty looking in the mirror wondering how I was going to go back to my old body despite growing life inside of me. My baby girl came into this world in May 2024. She’s the light of my life but I still couldn’t accept what I had done to my body. Ugly, fat, flabby, riddled with deep red stretch marks.

At times I felt comfort that she didn’t care what I looked like, but then I would look back at my first photos of her in my arms and how round my face looked. I immediately got back on birth control. I was oddly happy that my body wasn’t producing enough milk. I didn’t need to keep up my calories anymore. I could finally b/p or restrict again. How selfish of me.

Only a few months later I’m admitted to the emergency room, passing out from high blood pressure. They confirm I’m pregnant again. My daughters will only be 11 months apart.

I’m excited to bring home another baby girl. But I’m scared that I’m never going to be a role model to them. Or that I’m selfish for even making them stuck with a horrible mother like me, not able to get over the damn ED. All I can think about is all the things I’m doing after birth to try to be thin again. I’m stuck in this mentality even after 15 years.

Majority of my intake is at night, but I always take it one step too far. Always have to go back and get one more thing even if I’m not feeling starving for it, just feels impossible to let myself sleep without that one more thing. Soon as I finish it I regret it, think about how I’m suddenly exhausted now and I could have just laid down instead. Wanna kick the habit so I don’t wake up as guilty and keep up the cycle

Hi family. Want to share a win and a question.

Holidays are hard for countless reasons. But this holiday season, I didn’t hide and toss any food. I simply ate what I wanted, and stopped when full. This is a big win because in the past, I’d wrap food in napkins and toss it/ flush it. I’m really proud of myself.

My question: do you genuinely want to get better? I feel like identifying with this disease isn’t a true reflection of how multifaceted I am. I feel that when I make it a big part of my identity, it feels insurmountable. However when I approach it as a portion of my life story, I feel like I genuinely want to get and am getting better.

I fainted today. A touch of the ol' orthostatic hypotension. And it wasn't until then that I really thought about how hard I've been restricting lately.

Pretty sure things got away from me, and I sort of didn't even realize it. I knew I'd been losing strength and likely quite a bit of muscle mass, but I told myself it was just a cut. Looking back though, I've barely been eating any protein. It's been mostly broth for me, and not even like bone broth or something- the vegan flavors that come in like the broth tea bags. Other than that, I've had maybe one protein shake (30g) each day, salsa, and occasionally a packet of ramen. Looking back I have no idea how I've been surviving on this. It's been maybe 10 days of eating this way.

And now it's Thanksgiving. I am a bit worried about refeeding syndrome, but also just throwing up immediately after eating. I'm at the stage where my stomach has shrunk and likely will reject real food if I try to put any in there. Kind of unsure what to do; obviously I don't want to offend anyone by not eating all their delicious food, and I don't want to bring any attention to my weight or eating habits.

I think I hate this holiday.

I’ve fucked up my metabolism from years of under eating. I started eating better for awhile but I just gained so much weight back (from underweight I’m now overweight) and now anything I do to bring the scales down doesn’t work anymore, not even my old habits. What is there to do can anyone help me, I’ve been teetering between the same 3 pounds for 3 months now

I’ve had anorexia since I was 13, I’m 24 now. Mine is not severe, as in I’ve never been hospitalized for it and I’ve never fainted (been very close to but I haven’t passed out). I’ve been very good the past 3 months, my bf pointed out how proud he is that I’ve finished all of the meals we have each time we have a meal, and that they’re high in calories or protein. He mentioned that he noticed the positive weight gain in all the right spots and that I look healthier and curvier and that he loves it. But the past few days I’ve been getting those ITs about how I feel too bloated and I’m terrified of gaining too much weight. The fear of gaining too much weight is overtaking me and I like the feeling of an empty stomach more than a compliment on my figure.

I’m too scared to say something to my bf because he’ll make sure I’m healthy, and I just can’t take the feeling bloated and gross anymore. I was doing SO good for so long and then up of the blue, I woke up feeling gross. I pushed it with not eating anything for dinner and now here I am, surviving on a premier shake and a cheese danish.

I see people on this forum and other similar ones talking about how they are planning a relapse, or asking if they should plan a relapse.

I have been disordered for more than 26 years and I have never "planned" a relapse; every time it sneaks up ok me when I am confident it can never happen again. Ironically at times when I actually start thinking about how maybe I should lose a bit of weight, I can't lose anything. But then when everything is normal and I have now weight loss goals/expectations I somehow begin to restrict a little bit, sometimes without trying or noticing, and very very quickly I've found I've gone to far and can't stop. Is anyone else out there like this?

Peeps, my scales finally died. But I see this as an opportunity... for a new one lol. Mechanical or Digital? Vote now 😎

I've been struggling with my job and anxiety spikes lately.

I need to buy some food but I am so low I can't think properly.

I miss eating warm and filling foods. But I am a lazy cooker and being depressed doesn't help.

I was wondering if you could suggest me some basics and ideas for good meals.

I know will get some vegan yogurts I love, chickpeas, canned corn, bananas, eggs and juice. Besides that I am lost.

I have bread, jelly, instant noodles and a potato at home... kinda sad.

I am vegetarian btw.

If this is not an appropriate post I am sorry I just don't know wherelse to ask. It's getting harder to keep my shit together.

Thank you for your help

UPDATE: Thank you so much for the suggestions and nice words! I made it to the grocery store. I got quinoa, eggs, vegetables, lentils, yogurts, OATS! and more stuff. It's difficult to make decisions when you are feeling like crap so it was really helpful. Thanks 🙏

Hello. I hope a mod will quickly delete if not ok but I didn't see anything in the rules.

I am an Outpatient therapist and I mainly work with young adults. I have had male and female clients who have been diagnosed with different EDs. I was hoping that someone may feel comfortable letting me know what you found helpful in therapy? What you hated? What you needed in a therapist? I'm in recovery for ooiod addiction and I always find the best stuff I give of myself in sessions is from life experience and not a book. Thank you to anyone who responds.

To parents who have had a child with an ED how did it affect you?

I’m 20 F and have had an ED since 9 and been under Mental health services since 11. And I get that must be pretty hard on my especially because she’s a single mum (dad passed away).

I get I’m her only daughter and she must feel very powerless that she can’t help.

But she makes comments on how ‘awful’ I look - and she refused to give me a hug because I was ‘too skinny’ She’s said that everyone thinks I look awful - and how I’m gonna kill my grandparents with the stress And today said that if this disorder is going to kill me she may aswell let it because there is nothing she can do.

I understand it’s hard for her But I’m trying to understand what’s leading her to make these comments My family haven’t seen me in 3 months due to me being at uni (I call them and FaceTime them weekly but they won’t see my body) So I’m just confused- or wondering if anyone had any advice on how to help my mum feel better about it or how I could approach it with her.

I’ve asked her on numerous occasions to not comment on my body but she continues- but I just wanted an idea on how I could move forward

Thanks in advance x

i’m definitely alone in this but the wicked ariana convo doesn’t trigger me like oh i need to look like her, it bugs me bc i can she’s a similar bmi or only like 1 lower (based on the countless bcs i’ve stared at on various disordered corners of the internet 🙃) as me >!mid 14s!< and everyone all oh she looks anorexic/sick/unwell in reaction to her but no one reacts like that ab me like i walk around and it’s just what ever and no one cares esp my family so i’m just like frustrated. also i feel like even if she does have an ed she doesn’t owe it to ppl to confess something like that just even me personally i find it impossible to talk ab and that’s without the whole world watching me like if i was her i’d also just be like pls don’t talk my body. plus i feel like my ed was triggered bc ppl commented on how small i was it made me like fixate on it and more conscious of it and that could b the case for her. like even if she didn’t have an ed before she probably will now just bc of how much discussion there is just ab her body. idk just emphasize w her bc there’s this frustrating line with having an ed where u end up having to lie so u aren’t oversharing the “gory” details and aren’t alarming ppl around u and having to act Normal

For those of you who have had their EDs since they were teens, I am wondering if you found it easier to live with it as a teen or as an adult? I am 40 and have been struggling with a restrictive ED since age 13-14.

I find it so much easier as an adult than as a teen. First, people are not on my case about my weight and what i eat like they were when I a teen. Also, if you're over 30, people, even doctors, don't really even consider that you have an ED since you're not part of the demographic that's prone to it.

I also feel like my life is so much less physically demanding as an adult. I have a sedentary job and work from home a couple days a week. As a teen, I had all day of school , clubs, sports, homework, etc.

What are other people's experience?

like oh wow i watched the substance tonight finally and it struck a chord with me. like that is how bulimia feels like . i cannot explain but somehow it feels similar

you hate yourself, so you try to find a way to make it easier and in the beginning it's all happy and yay easy weight loss and then boom things start going south so fast. puffy face, teeth chipping and falling out, acid reflux to name a few and it's just a downward spiral from there unless you recover

anyone have any recommendations for adult inpatients/residentials in the new england area that do ng tubes and treat anorexia and arfid. struggling so much w an awful appetite on top of everything else and iop isn’t cutting it

Before my surgery I was told to gain weight beforehand since I would lose weight because of an inability to eat solid foods and I did end up losing a few pounds which brought me close to my target weight.

However, my family was concerned and told me to make sure I was eating well when I was allowed to eat solid foods so that I could bring my weight back up.

My problem is that now all I want to do is eat and that I'm never satisfied with just eating a little or a normal amount of food.

I've told myself that it's fine because I should be careful and eat enough so my body can heal properly but the other part of me is frustrated and hates watching the scale go up and I hate sewing my body change in the mirror.

I'm extremely conscious of the possibility that my family or peers might catch on. It's to the point that I'll go out of my way to plan weeks ahead for times when I'm eating with a group, just to make sure that I eat what will seem to be a normal amount of food in front of other people.

There are times where I can't pull it off and let the ED drive, and I notice that it catches the attention of people around me. I haven't been confronted, but I'm deeply afraid of that happening. I can't tell how rational the fear is, and I'm starting to think that I'm spending a lot of time and energy on something that doesn't actually matter. I've had other obvious problems that got ignored as long as I was able to pay bills - and those were unquestionably visible to people around me. Maybe it's just a holdover from when I got fussed over as a minor.

Anyone else do this? Has anyone actually been confronted as an adult? I'd love to know what other people have experienced around getting clocked for their ED in adulthood.

Recently confirmed with myself that I've fullly relapsed into my ED was difficult to come to that conclusion especially because my ED mind could only think about being skinny but the habits I've been participating in are similar to when I was younger. Like counting calories, stimulant abuse, restrictions...

Sucks because like having to work & just being older I feel the toll on my body more....

My biggest concern is that I don't know if I'll be able to recover since last time recovery happened because I started to transition, and since I've been transitioning for over 4 years. I really don't know if I'll ever be able to have the same goals for myself. :/ just wanted to vent I guess

Disclaimer: English is not my first language, sry for any grammar mistakes

Backstory - I (27F) was in a pretty abusive relationship in my teen years (for about just over 6 years) and experienced traumatic situations (rape, domestic violence, death threats,..). I developed an eating disorder, as well as an anxiety disorder and depression. I was speaking to a doctor before but it wasn't a fit since he only wanted to do group therapy and doesn't do ed topics.

My eating disorder is mostly about having control over a part of my life in times that I feel uncertain. It has been bulemia for most of the time, with some very restrictive phases in-between.

About a year ago I met my now boyfriend who is really supportive even though he struggles to understand my issues. This helped me a lot and I stopped vomiting almost completely for about half year now. I am getting confident in eating, having fun cooking when I'm with him. He is my safe space.

Now I want to go and try one more time to go to therapy and heal. I found a psychologist and she put me on her waiting list (gonna be about 3-5 months)

Since then I am struggling because when I'm not with other people I just can't motivate me to eat. It's exhausting. I have no appetite and basically starve myself. Skipping breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. It disgusts me to force myself to eat. It's still better then to vomit but I feel like my nerves and energy are getting lower and lower.

My bf said he needs more time alone for his own mental health. he doesn't want to feel responsible for my well being and doesn't understand why I can't eat when I'm alone. I respect his decisions and try to give him space. I feel bad for sucking his energy and it makes me question if I'm a good partner. It is just so hard to get through this time alone until I get the help I signed up for. I tried reaching out for family but they live far away and are not really confident and or comfortable in helping and dealing with my problems. I think this feeling of uncertainty and loneliness makes my ed worse even though I thought it got better because I stopped with the bulimia.

I don't know if anyone can relate. I'm searching for advice on how I could make it through those months.

And this is exactly why “recovery” doesn’t even appeal to me. Because recovery is all about weight gain and I can honestly say that when I was a healthy BMI and my highest weight I was extremely miserable and could barely fucking function. Now.. I am closest to my LW than I’ve been and while it’s frightening at times and I struggle with exhaustion and other side effects, I am happier and more content than ever because I actually feel good in my body. And I know this has everything to do with trauma and how weight and sensory issues process for me and my neurodivergence. I don’t feel like I will ever be the kind of person who can feel comfortable in a body with a healthy BMI. I am physically more comfortable and mentally stable when I am underweight. And yes I know this sounds insane but I know I’m not alone here… I know there’s tons of people in this community who feel the same way. It’s just taboo to actually express it. But if I compare my mental health now to when I was fat, I am way more productive and happy low in a very underweight body. I just want my Ed to feel less intense. Harm reduction is all I can do

Does it cause anyone else to go into a tailspin when someone says you look healthy? One of my good friends just saw pictures of me at my lowest weights and said I looked healthier now, which I of course, as we all know, means I'm now fat. My last relapse started with a similar comment. I'm already on the edge of a relapse and this just adds to this. Doesn't help that my medication made me gain a bunch of weight and even with working out the weight isnt coming off. I do know how to lose weight, just not in a healthy way. Down the rabbit hole I go...

This is absolutely a rant, but full time job, full time school, AND full time eating disorder?! I get how teenage me handled this with just school but I don't know how some people manage this much. And for those of you who have kids, I can't imagine; I just work with them. This is not a lifestyle in which I can be this weak. But I have rent!!

Something I'm learning about myself is that I have a strong need to be perfect. I am obsessed with making sure that I'm constantly being productive. I realized that I take everything to the extreme and have created limits and routines and have a desire to control every aspect of my life, not just food and my body.

I sleep from 9-5. If I don't, I did it wrong.

I drink two gallons of water a day. If not, it's wrong.

I drink two coffees every morning. I can't do anything unless I've had at least one. And before that I need at least half a gallon of water. My brain will spin if I don't drink enough water before my coffee.

I read at least 50 pages of a book. I feel anxiety if I don't reach that number.

At least 7,000 steps.

And I can't even explain the depression I feel when I don't get a workout in.

Is anyone else like this?

Right now Call to Mind, America Public Media’s mental health series, is producing a national public radio broadcast program about eating disorders.

 
Throughout the program we will amplify as many voices and experiences impacted by eating disorders as possible. We’d like to invite anyone who has a story to share to submit a 30 – 90 second voice memo.
 
TO SEND A STORY: Using a mobile device or computer, record a voice memo with the following information (if recording using a smartphone, please use earbuds or hold the phone up to your ear like you would on a regular phone call): 
 

1.  Name ("My name is...") 

2.  Location (city, state) 

3.  Share your story! Tell us anything you want us to know about experiencing an eating disorder, finding treatment, and anything you’d like to share about how you (or your loved one) is doing right now.

4.  Let us know if you would like to remain anonymous if we use your voice memo in the program.

5. We need all story submissions by Friday, Nov 29**^(th)****.** Please email your voice memo file to calltomind@americanpublicmedia.org with the subject line "eating disorders story submission."  

We value everyone’s story and sincerely thank you for sharing yours. Please pass this along to anyone you think might be interested in sharing.

Jessica Bari
Senior Producer / Call to Mind

and me, an APM employee and fellow ED kid <3