What are yall drinking. And what size bottle do you get? Spiraling because yea vodka is low in cals in 1.5oz shots. But that's not all i'm drinking, ever. It takes me two days to get through 1.75 l bottle and that's apparently around 4500 cals. So even though Ive fasted for 4 days, I'm fucked. I'm so sick of this, please is there anything else I can do. I hate being trapped. Alcohol is the only thing that numbs me.

I woke up with a sore asscheek and my glasses (which I desperately need) across the room on the floor. I don't know what happened. It looks like I pushed over my standing mirror and placed it back somewhere else. I (intentionally) cut myself too. Gah my ass hurts. Eat something when you get super drunk, will ya?

Edit: just found out I also have hair stuck to my shirt because I probably laid down on old food 🙃

that’s it. now it’s wasted and i’m sober and i can’t sleep. lame

Thanksgiving sucked. I was actually hoping I could get a plate and one of the regulars brought us a couple. It’s everything I don’t eat. Plus the turkey was bone dry. I appreciated the offer though. I went to my old roommates house (first big holiday myself) so I could chill and do a load of laundry. But the washer and dryer was full so that’s a bust. I’m trying to wait until the 13th of December (glasses appointment). So I’ll probably walk half a hour to the laundry Matt to wash a back pack full of clothes (my work clothes, underwear and socks, maybe a couple of graphic tees and another bag with my towels in it). Everything else will have to wait. The only good plus I guess is there’s a liquor store nearby and a McDonald’s. I don’t drive

Low key wanna cry from eating today but I’m buzzed as hell at least so don’t have to feel it too much <3 just want to be black out or send me some vodka tbh hehe

I painted the town red last night (sh relapse) and am drinking vanilla vodka and some almonds for breakfast, I'm on my last bottle, but thinking about not drinking for a few days until my next pay day yeah that's all lol

Been drinking and getting pissed the last three days in a row and binge ate everyday while I have been drunk. Managed to through it up and maintained my weight over those days but today seems I have hit a platue. I have been drinking today too and have binged managed to throw up some but my gag reflex isn't working the same as it usually does fs. I'm so guttered. I don't want to gain weight. It's put me off eating the rest of the day and for a couple of days after so my gag reflex can sort itself out. Will still drink though.. why am I like this 🤔😮‍💨

I am drunk and I have eaten a normal amount today but I am just mourning being so sick. I mourn being very thin I mourn being underweight I miss that misery over this and would take it any day. It is because of my alcoholism that I’m no longer super thin and I hate myself and then get drunk and it’s a bad cycle. If I get sober I will prob just dive headfirst into anorexia again and that honestly sounds great. So sorry for the rant but that’s how I’m feeling.

I'm unemployed and my parents have been financially supporting me from 700 miles away.

I just went on a 2 week bender, ended up in the ER, refused care and continued to drink. Now my boyfriend, who is very supportive, has dumped me and my parents cut me off so I'm going to be evicted.

I have nowhere to go, nowhere to put all my belongings. None of my friends are willing to help either. I just don't know what to do.

I'm alone, and my dinner is green apple vodka 💖💖💖 love u all

a few shots of raspberry vodka and a handful of goldfish, burns but the goldfish can swim around ❤️

I feel more at peace tonight than I have in a long time, so I thought I’d write about it. I don’t know if I’ll ever share this with anyone. Maybe I’ll just keep it as a reminder to myself. A reminder of how at peace I am in this moment, and of how, if I could achieve this tonight, maybe I can keep achieving it.

I know that I have issues with alcohol. I went full Frank Ghallager from June to November of 2024, but really ever since I started college, I’d been drinking too much. For a while, I just didn’t know how to drink without blacking out. I didn’t drink that often—maybe two or three times a month, and only ever at parties—but when I did, I didn’t know when to stop. I’d keep going until the point of no return, and I’d wake up the next morning with no concept of how I got home or what I’d done the night before.

This summer became my summer of degeneracy. I lived alone, and thus, I drank alone. A lot. The drinking turned from a few times a week to almost daily. I slowly began to turn every social situation into one with alcohol. If my friend wanted to go to the beach, I’d want to get drunk by the ocean. If one of my summer flings wanted to go bowling, I’d say, “Hey, you know what’s more fun than bowling? Drunk bowling.” I drank when alone, and I drank when not alone. I wanted to get fucked up above all else, to the point where I dropped my summer classes and stopped showing up to work. I accomplished nothing this summer and had so much fun in the meantime. 

When the summer came to a close, I moved to a new apartment with roommates. None of my roommates are big drinkers—actually, they don’t drink at all—so I didn’t want to reveal the extent of my alcohol abuse to them. I kept two water bottles next to my bed every night—one full of vodka, and the other full of actual water. I stopped eating because the alcohol hit harder on an empty stomach, and I drank nightly without anyone knowing. I built up a tolerance. No matter how much I drank, I could no longer black out, and I could easily down a fifth a night. I got good at lying, and at acting sober. I’d be entirely too fucked up while having hours-long conversations with my roommates, and I don’t think they noticed the state I was in. Or maybe they did, but were just too non-confrontational to say anything about it. But I doubt they noticed. I really did become a great liar. 

Throughout this, I had a few wake-up calls. The first was when I visited my parents. I couldn’t stay sober, not even for one night, so I waited until everyone in the house fell asleep to steal a few bottles from my father’s liquor cabinet. He was probably an alcoholic too. I remember him drinking every night when I was a child, and he was the worst type of drunk, too. The violent kind. I may have inherited my drinking problem from him, but I’m grateful that I was spared from inheriting the violence. My uncle’s a big drinker too—wakes up in the morning and gets wasted on a bottle of wine by noon. Maybe I was always destined to this struggle.

I relished in my degeneracy, I think. I knew what I was doing was self-destructive and wrong, but it was fun and crazy and might make for a great story one day. I was too willing to give up my education, health, relationships, and, well really, my life for the perceived “cool girl” points I gained for abusing drugs. Beyond my genetic predisposition to alcoholism, I’m sure that my environment, the people that I chose to surround myself with, influenced my choice to push myself down this path. College students love the “work hard, play harder” culture. High achievers chase the hedonistic, materialistic high of grinding for 60 hours a week so they can get blackout drunk at the end of it—a means to an end. All my friends partied, so I did too. 

But it gets worse when you have particular people who actively enable your addiction. For around a month or two—I’m not quite sure how long our “relationship” lasted. I don’t remember much anymore—a random man from the internet who’s as old as my father would send me money in return for me sending him videos of me drinking absurd amounts of hard liquor. In total, I received $436 from this stranger. I didn’t see anything wrong with it at first. I mean sure, it’s really fucking weird that a 40-year-old man is willing to spend that much money to see a teenager get fucked up. It’s probably some weird fetish thing that I’ll never be able to understand. But it was easy enough to do, it paid for my daily fifth, and I was going to drink regardless—whether or not someone else was watching me do it. So why the fuck not? 

He eventually ended it because he decided I was too young, and because I told him I wanted to get sober. I did that a lot in this period of my life. I’d tell everyone I was committing to sobriety and then find myself walking to the corner store a few hours later. In the last message that the internet stranger sent me, he said he wanted to end things on “good terms,” so naturally, I never responded to that last message and blocked him.

My second wake-up call was when I woke up in the morning after finishing a fifth of vodka. My hands were flushed to a crimson red, my legs were numb and tingly, and I had a nosebleed. I could feel my body shutting down, and I was scared. My heart racing, my head pounding, my entire body shaking—this had never happened before. When I realized that the symptoms weren’t dying down, I dragged my sorry ass to urgent care. The doctor looked at me with pity when I told her how much I’d drank the night before. It was shameful and embarrassing, honestly. I decided I’d get sober for life, starting that very day.

My sobriety lasted one week. I went out with my friends and drank. I woke up the morning after that night out and kept drinking through the day. And then I drank through the rest of that week. I started mixing stuff with the alcohol: weed, nicotine, cigarettes, pills. I mixed anything I could get my hands on. And with all of the substances mixing in my system, I continued to eat next to nothing. I’d refuse to eat on the days that I drank, which became an issue when I drank everyday.

Now here comes my third wake up call—and I really do hope that it’s my last one. I visited my mother for Thanksgiving, and she begged me not to fall into the same cycle of drinking that my father and uncle fell into. She doesn’t know that it’s already too late for me. That night, I waited for her to fall asleep, poured my father’s gin into an empty water bottle, and sat alone in my childhood bedroom, drinking and praying that she wouldn’t wake up and find out what I was doing. It would probably break her heart. 

I haven’t drank in around 24 hours now. I’m trying to quit again. We’ll see how long this bout of sobriety lasts. I wish I could commit to getting sober for life, but I know there’s a pretty good chance I’ll end up at my nearest liquor store by tomorrow night. I really don’t know how some people do it—”it” being existing in a sober body 24/7/365. There’s this one boy I went on a few dates with over the summer who I can’t get out of my mind. His father’s an addict, even worse than mine. He said that he doesn’t like talking about his dad, but he talked about it with me for some reason. He said that his dad abused alcohol, meth, and some other stuff. His dad got violent like mine, and when that happened, he’d escape to a friend’s place and crash on couches. Before I moved out and stopped talking to my family, I did that too. I’d sleep over at a friend’s house whenever my home life got to be too much to handle. But unlike me, he made the decision to stay sober for life. He understood what drugs could do to you and stayed away. I wish I had made that decision sooner, before I got this deep into it. I thought that we understood each other to some level, that we could relate on things like this, but I guess he doesn’t need another addict in his life because we don’t talk anymore. 

I’m trying to find a purpose outside of substances again. I don’t really have any hobbies, any interests, any life goals. I figured I’d die young in a hedonistic bender, so I didn’t concern myself with having any sort of direction or purpose. I think that the whole “sober for life” thing would never work for me. Maybe it’s just a symptom of my teenage rebellion that I’ll eventually grow out of, but when I think that there’s something I can never do again, all I want is to do that thing one last time. Just one last time, then we’ll stop. But it’s never really the last time, is it, and then the cycle repeats. Now, I’m just trying to get through the day. I might drink again tomorrow, or next week, or next year. But the future is no longer a concern of mine. My only goal is to not drink today, to just get through this one day, and tomorrow is a problem for tomorrow. All I have to endure is today, and if I can do that, maybe I’ll be okay.

Usually when I go to get my vodka (This time its my nearest grocery store, I went to the liquor store a few days ago and I don't wanna visit for at least another week or two) I usually try and wear my cutest outfits and shower the day before or straight after work, and do my makeup and hair (only takes me 10-15 minutes) because these past few years I'd just go in my work uniform or throw on a sweater, all sweaty from the sun and looking greasy. (But now that I'm more insecure than ever, I do all this extra stuff just to walk in and out) on the brightside I feel nice, insecurity aside. also a bit nervous because the last time I went, this new worker was standing by me (way too close) because I guess she thought I was stealing, (I usually wear a black backpack and I was putting my stuff in there during self checkout, I hope they don't suspect that again or ban me (I looove overthinking and anxiety) so I'm gonna wear my hello kitty bag instead)

Long time lurker, first time posting. I’ve been drinking everyday for maybe four or so years now. I think I’m starting to feel physically unwell from it. Does anybody constantly have brain fog. Is it dangerous to quit cold turkey?

I’ve been drinking since I was 21. It’s always been bad but I could always find some way to eat. But things got worse than better. Then worse again. So here I am in a state by myself, no family. Just me in my apartment. Drinking everyday. I replaced my SH habit with starving. And it sucks. I truly do not eat until I absolutely have to and 7 times out of 10 I’ll throw it back up. My coworker told me it looks like I’m losing weight which made me happy

I’ve gained soo much weight since my drinking turned to alcoholism around 2020, went from >! 100’s to 190’s!< . The only time I can starve properly is when I’m sober, which is like never these days. I get like, 1-3 sober days a month maybe. September was the last time I attempted a longer term sobriety and I lasted 2 weeks :p

When I’m drinking, I think my calorie counting brain just turns off because I don’t even want to know how much I’m consuming. It’s funny bc besides alc I fear liquid cals and only consume 0 cal drinks lmao.

I would just hate myself a lot less if I were a skinny alcoholic instead.. So chic and manic pixie dream girl core 🤪 (joking). Instead I feel like a greasy obese rat-whale hybrid 24/7 🐀 I just turned 27 and hate that I’m wasting my 20’s away

I've been doing ok the last few days, eating properly and not drinking etc, but yesterday I bought a bag of chocolates as a Christmas gift, and today I've opened and pretty much eaten the whole bag, then thrown it up.. Now I want to keep going, keep making things worse for myself, drink, eat more, throw up more.. I feel like I have to now.. I feel like that's something I have to do I can't just pretend that it didn't happen..

Now I'm writing this for I don't know what reason.. To rant, for advice, for permission to drink??

I'm also supposed to be vegan and have been for 4 years (the chocolates were not vegan) which is a whole other issue that fills me with shame and disgust..

:(

Love being reminded!!!

After a 6 day (voluntary) hospital stay, I immediately went on a wild drinking binge even though I promised sobriety to everybody.

As I'm sitting here sobering up with the worst hangover I've ever had, I finally admitted to myself that I'm an alcoholic with severe depression. I always said I was not depressed and I just had anxiety. I've been lying to myself for years.

I've also been wilding out on this subreddit and I'm sorry for that 😞

But thank you to everyone for the mostly kind words. Good luck everyone.

So, my diet these days is basically kefir (3.75% fat!), Michelinas ziti with chili crisp, Red powerade and assisted other red beverages, canned grape-leaves, and SALAD 🍄🍄🥦🍄

And then going to a nice diner or something for A TREAT 💄✨️ which is definitely not in any way a form of binging, because there's no specific purge anymore.

So, clearly and obviously, my disordered eating has still not yet taken the little flippy flip into a whispers you know what.

Soooo, as my hero Andy Samberg likes to say, cool cool cool cool cool, AMA and FML

but im sick of wheezing after walking up one flight of stairs. help.

I’m making a list so my drunk ass will follow it. I’m making 6 different copies and posting it in different places in my house

Well today I tried and after 6-8 shots of vodka I just felt nothing, after an hour of my last shot I vomited the fuck out every food I've eaten today and drank again and I felt fine

I'm be trying to get this but I haven't eaten all day and this soup is calling me after drinking

I consumed all my daily calories in alcohol last night and got in to an embarrassing argument with my little sister maybe I should kill myself tbh! It’d be better than this constant cycle of shame and humiliation I can’t stand it any more and no one can stand me

I can't remember the last day I didn't drink (I know it was, at most, back in March). I drink daily and I'm gaining (I'm sure it's my drunk cravings). The irony is I drank to stop the hunger cravings.

Like my friends will drink on occasion, but some of them don’t even like being drunk in general bc it makes them feel off i’m like what??? I get drunk to wake myself up at 10am, it gets rid of any stress or anxieties, and best of all i’m not my true self while drunk. You don’t think getting drunk before any simple task would make it more enjoyable? I love having a soggy dumb happy brain but it’s so embarrassing to admit I drink alone daily I literally feel like my uncle with 4 Duis

I just spent 6 days in the hospital.

Immediately went back to drinking.

Now I'm drinking ice water but am afraid to suck on the ice because I don't want to choke.

How is religion still a thing? def offensive but In my opinion it’s literal mass hysteria and baffles me how it still exists. I wish I could belive in God bc them believers have a reason for living, But if you have an ounce of reason, it’s not a feasible idea. we are misfortune of nature, we should not be able to process the concept of death. people don’t want to accept that they truly die, no rainbows in the clouds after. therefore religion and “Heaven” exists. It’s how humans thousands of years before us coped with the thought of death yet people still let it dictate their lives. Just my nightly thoughts